All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S01E01.Cigarettes.and.Funions.and.Crap.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Last night, I woke up

with one of
those 3:00 a.m. panic attacks,

realized
our "One Year Fertility Break"

had turned into three

and now I am way closer
to 40 than 30.

Yeah.

We're like
"That Couple with No Kids"

in a family neighborhood.

The neighbors kind of think
we're pitiful and weird,

which is ridiculous,

because we're objectively
so much better than them.

But we're ready
to try again.

Totally. Yeah.

We wanna do this.
We're... We're all in.

We are all in
this time.

[woman]: How often
are you having sex?

Excuse me?

How often are we having sex?

Uh...

I mean, to be hon--

we've been off our game
a little bit lately.

I've been working crazy hours
on this huge pitch,

for a fancy new theater
at The Hamilton School,

where Jack works?

-She works...
-So the last month...

isn't really
an accurate representation

of how often we... have...

intercourse. Ahem.

Right. And also,

I've been having this, like,

persistent kind of acidy thing
in my stomach here...

That's...
it's kind of a problem.

Maybe the fact that
I'm talking about it

so incessantly

is another factor

in why we're not reaching
our potential, I guess.

I'd say we do it, uh...

1.5 times a week?

I mean, not that we have
fractional intercourse,

She means...

we have it, like,
six times a month.

-[woman]: Hmm.
-She-- she wrote it down.

-Is that more than--
-[woman]: Okay, got it.

That means we're doing well?

That's pretty good, right?

Yeah, that's pretty good
I would say, right?

I mean, what's your--

National average?

Yeah, we're doing
good, right?

[duck quacking]

[♪♪♪]

[birds twittering]

[♪♪♪]

Sorry.

[woman]: Trakarskys!

How'd it go?

The doctor asked us
how often we had sex

and we lied.

With disturbing specificity.

[man]: Oh, you gotta lie.

Like I'm gonna tell
the whole neighborhood

we haven't had sex
in two months?

Well, you just did.

[neighbor]: Yoo-hoo!

Oh, boy.

Party time

for the Real Housewives
of Hawthorne Heights!

Hey... Lori.

Whoo!

[Lori]: Okay, carry on.

Why would she be coming
to Jenna Weeden's divorce party?

They used to work together
or something.

You're gonna change
before we go out, right?

Nobody under 40's gonna hit on
that biz-cas bullshit.

Hey what are you doing?

Wanna crack a couple beers,
watch a game,

maybe get some pizza?

Um... no, I gotta read over
some college essays, so.

Is it because he's crying?

Do I actually
have to answer that question?

It's called
teething, okay?

He's trying
to get teeth.

Imagine that for the first time.

Making teeth.

It's a big deal.

Yeah. Thank you, honey.

[♪♪♪]

[dog barking]

[football game
plays on television]

What the hell?

What?

Are you jacking off
to football?

[turns TV off]

No!

That is so fucked up.

I was just--
I was just cradling it.

It's okay,

because we...

are about to do
some intercourse.

[♪♪♪]

You ready for this?

Meow!

[♪♪♪]

Do you know why...

Jenna got divorced?

I couldn't pick Jenna
out of a lineup,

so I have no idea
who you're even talking about.

Well, when the divorce party
went "predictably dark--"

[thud!]

Oh, my God.

You have to have some
water or something.

She said they fell deeply

"out of lust
and deeply into like."

You air quote so much
when you're drunk.

Does that sound
familiar to you?

Oh, yeah?
You like that?

I don't know.

That's good,

'cause it is about to get
real dirty up in here.

Can you even hear
what you're saying?

Can you even hear yourself?

Can you?

Yeah.

I can hear you.

What does that even me?

Oh, God. Did you smoke
the entire pack of cigarettes?

Did you eat an entire bag
of Funions?

Of course not.

There's till some left,
I think.

Good...

'cause this is raw.

This is cigarettes
and Funions and shit.

Come here.
Come here. Slap me.

What?

-Spank me.
-Spank you? No.

Pull my hair
and spank me.

This is seriously
what you want?

Spank me.
Come on.

What are you talking about?

Spank me. Spank me.
Spank me. Spank me.

-[slap] Like that.
-I'm not doing it.

-Try!
-I'm not doing it.

Ow! What the fuck?

It was like a sexual atrocity.

Seriously, arms were flailing,
and breath was stinking.

We should've filmed it
for an abstinence PSA.

Ah, the venerable cycle
of masturbation.

I don't think that's a thing.

Oh, no. The less
you get it on,

the more you jack off.

The more you jack off,
the less you get it on.

Well, maybe
that is a thing.

Shit, bro, you okay?

I don't know, man.
It's like...

Is it really
that serious?

I think it might be.
I think it is that serious.

I mean, we love each other.

That's-- it's not a like,
it's a love situation.

That's not the problem at all.

We're, like,
trying to manufacture passion,

and it's resulting in me
getting a fucking black eye.

I would love to blame it

on two years
of, like, robotic baby sex,

but even before that,

it wasn't like
it was "9 1/2 Weeks."

Can you say something, please?

I may or may not

have done something
in another dimension

that no one in this universe
could ever know about.

It's like a tree

falling in the forest,

except it's my dick
going into another woman.

You had an affair?

Hey, shh! No, no.
It's too messy.

God.

Why don't you yell it, huh?

I was startled.

Because the legally deaf woman
on the other side of that bridge

can hear it.

So... you were with a hooker?

No. I'm talking about
an escort.

What's the difference?

-No penetration.
-What?

No penet--
is that even a thing?

Okay, okay.

Sometimes,
there's penetration, okay?

But there's not
supposed to be, right?

That's why they can advertise.

12, I don't know,
something like that,

sites here
in Portland alone.

When's the last time
you guys made out?

If I stuck my tongue
in Emma's mouth,

she'd probably just
crack up laughing.

You do it with someone
you don't know,

someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.

This actually worked for you?

You took this back
into your bedroom?

Fuckinay right I did.

This is a lot for me to process
over fuckin' hot cocoa.

[Female TV host]:
On today's Home Seekers,

zookeeper Amanda
and her accountant husband...

Oh, God...

Oh, God.

Homer, lock it
down, buddy.

Unbelievable.

I have officially hit the age
where a hangover lasts 24 hours.

[female TV host]: We've got
our work cut out for us.

[male TV host]: One thing
I know about women,

they never stop talking about
bathtubs or closets.

If I hear that line
one more time,

"Where do your clothes go?"

I'm going to--

[female host]:
I'm going to piece together

why you never got married.

[male host]: Claw-footed tub,
authentic Victorian staircase...

What are you doing?

[sighs]

I just thought maybe
we could, you know...

Are you seriously
proposing sex right now,

when I'm one pug fart away
from regurgitating vital organs?

Suddenly over it.

If I die,
know that I loved you.

Love you more.

[chimes]

What kind of monster

lets a guy pay her 400 bucks
to treat him like shit?

You don't look like
you're begging.

You don't realize

what kind of a bargain
you gave that dude.

He can have any woman,
any thing he wants...

except not getting
what he wants.

Crawl.

[♪♪♪]

Until you.

Izzy Silva.

His angel of denial.

Okay, Nina, that
actually didn't suck,

but do you have any idea
how guilty I felt?

This morning,

there was a homeless guy
outside of our apartment,

who asked me
for a cigarette.

So I gave him 80 bucks,

hugged him,
and said, "God bless you."

I've never said that
to anyone in my life before.

"God bless you?"
Who says that?

I am so disappointed
in you, Iz.

Translation:

you don't want to float
my half of the rent again.

Si, senora.

[sighs] Fine.

One more week.

There's my little hooker.

We're escorts.
It's different.

Oh, right, absolutely.

It is different.

-That's what you told me.
-It is. Don't worry about it.

I texted you, like.
20 times last night...

Oh.

Oh, my God, I think
I just sprouted ovaries.

You did?

Yeah.

I think I'm officially the
chick in this relationship.

That is so fucking
sexist, Andy.

Both genders pursue that
which retreats from them.

Oh, so you're
baiting me, huh?

Oh, get over yourself.

You free
tomorrow night, Andrea?

Don't fuck with me,
I'm menstruating, okay?

Yes, I'm free.

[professor]: Because of
the complicated nature

of rationalist thinking...

[text alert sounds]

[professor continues faintly]

Who is it?

Another hubby lost his mojo.

Easy-peasy.
Bread and butter.

[♪♪♪]

[cell phone rings]

It's probably not fair,

but I kinda wanna pop you
in the other eye.

You do? Why?

I don't know.
I'm missing our old apartment,

living downtown,

being in the middle
of everything.

Why? Is there something else

I should be violently
enraged about?

No. No.
I can't think of anything.

Are you drunk already?

Maybe a little bit.

Get drunker.
You sound weird.

I'll be home around 9:00.

Okay. Have fun.
I love you, weirdo.

I love you more.

Fuck. What the fuck
am I doing?

Oh, my God.

Okay, this can be undone.
Undo it.

This is, um...

Something came up at work.

I have to cancel.

Something...

Something came up at work.

Very sorry.

I have to cancel.

...And send.

[knocking]

[woman]:
Fred, are you in there?

Um, no.

[text alert sounds]

Funny.

-Hi, you.
-Hi.

Um, so I haven't exactly

settled on a formal
cancellation policy,

but this is definitely not it.

You need to get paid.

I really do.

-Could you just wait a second?
-Yep.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.
Something came up at work.

I had a...

Um... um...

It's a long story.

Here it is.

You are so not a Fred.

What do you mean?
What's-- what's wrong with Fred?

I have an Uncle Fred.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
My scalp is sweating.

Can you see that from here?
The way--

What do I owe you?

So what was your excuse
to the wife?

My wife?

Your wife. Yes.

Um... Happy hour?

Well, you have
a mini-bar.

I do?

Yep.

So when did you know

you wanted to be
a high school counselor?

I'm not a high school
counselor, first of all.

I am Assistant Dean,
Head of Student Services.

Oh...

Yup.

Sorry. That's
very different.

It's a big
difference, yeah.

Is it?

Kind of like the difference
between prostitute and escort.

Mm.

Okay, well,

as clearly stated on my profile,
I don't screw my clients,

so, yeah,
it is very different.

You can answer the question now.

I was kind of a hot mess
in high school,

and...

Don't look at me like that.

This isn't--
this is a true story.

I wasn't too popular
with the faculty, really,

except for
this one counselor,

and she was really great,
and she kind of saved me--

Fred, this sounds like a story

that you've told
at a few dozen barbecues.

Why don't you give me
the real shit?

Ouch.

My father was
a cheating asshole

in a V-neck sweater,

so my bullshit detector
is, like, wicked sensitive.

So you're an escort
with daddy issues?

That's so rare.

Blow me, Fred.

Well...

I know what
you were saying before,

by the way,
about, like, your family,

because my family, also,
was, like...

a quiet little corner of hell.

Mine was shiny perfection
right up until it wasn't.

Yeah, Mom's been on

the Geese 'n' Oxy diet
ever since.

Is that something
I should know?

Vodka and pain pills.
Yeah. I'll never be like her.

So instead, you just do this?

Hmm?

Just kind of like
an emotional tourist.

Damn, Fred. That's...
That's pretty good, actually.

I'm Jack, by the way.

I can't do this any longer.

It's Jack Trakarsky.

Jack Trakarsky.

I'm Izzy Silva.

Izzy Silva.

I've never told a client
my full name before.

[both talking at once]

It's a long handshake.

Yeah.

It might be
the light beer,

the craft beer, the vodka,
and the wine talking,

but...

I don't think that I stayed

just because
you have a mini-bar.

No?

You're not too old
or too annoying.

So...

Thank you.

I figured
there are worse ways

to avoid doing
a sociology essay.

And you are also unhideous.

You think I'm unhideous?

That's cool.

Do you wanna make out?

Shit. Sorry.

Nope.

I sound crazy.

I promise
I won't boil your rabbit.

I don't have a rabbit,
so you can't.

I have a pug.

Who boils a pug?

I'm not a monster.

Do you have a cat, though?

No, I don't have a cat.

Um...

oh, shit.

We're-- we're over.

I'm sorry. I should--

Thank you.

So I guess you better
make a move on me now, right?

That's the hole in your game,
isn't that what you said?

Show me what you got.

Um...

Okay.

I mean, come on,

we're never gonna
see each other again, right?

Okay. Okay.

Um... I'm bringin' it.

No. Don't say that.

It's been a while for me.

Um...

Hi.

Hi.

You're like a unicorn.

Okay...

that's not
what I was going for, but...

we can keep going.

No, I mean you're the rare girl
that looks better up close.

Like, the closer
I get to you, it's--

No, that-- that was nice.

-Was it?
-Yeah.

You're nice, I think.

Sorry.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[fabric tears]

-Fuckinay.
-No, it's fine, it's fine.

It's my roommate's.
Keep your focus.

[♪♪♪]

I'll pay for that--

No, it's--
Shush.

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry.
This is not--

That was
way too far.

Jesus, I can't do this.
What's wrong with me?

No, you know, I--

It's all good.
This is my bad.

The booze and the unicorn line
definitely factored in, but--

you know what,

let's take it back.

Let's pretend
this didn't happen.

-Okay.
-Okay, yeah.

[cell phone rings]

This is my wife.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

Hey, babe.

No. I...

I'm going to be home...

Okay, so...

All right.
I love you more. Bye.

Fuck.

[Emma]:
Are you fucking kidding me?

I came clean!

Don't I get points
for coming clean?

"Points?"

I don't know.

You want fucking "points"?

You get points for admitting

to scarfing down the second half
of my panini,

not for confessing
to spending happy hour

in a hotel room with a hooker!

She's an escort.

Oh, great.

She's an escort, okay?

She's, like, getting
her Master's in psychology, so.

Mm-hmm.

Sex was never
part of the agenda, I swear.

I made sure it wasn't.

It said it right in the profile.

You're a fucking idiot.

Are you...

figuring out ways
to kill me?

Tell me more.

Tell me more about
this fascinating young lady.

It's not about her.

Oh, so you did
find her fascinating.

I don't know.
I mean--

That was well said, Jack.

Let me rephrase the question...

Did you like her?

Oh, my God.

This has nothing
to do with her.

This is about us, okay?

Did anything happen?

We didn't have sex.
We absolutely did not have sex.

That's not what I asked, Jack.

Did anything happen?

I want you to tell me precisely
what you did with that girl.

We made out,
for, like, a brief time...

and then I snapped out of it,

and I--
and that was it, it was over.

Show me.

Show you what?

I want to see her.

Honey, that's not a good idea.

Show me.

Are you serious?

Do it.

I think maybe we should
talk about this.

Do it.

[Emma]: I made him show me
what she looked like.

[Carmen]: And did he?

Yeah.

Eventually.

Was she a total skeeze?

Actually...

she looks...

exactly like what she is--

a grad student from Colorado.

Look at her skin.

Make it bigger.

It's perfect.

Do you ever see
that movie "Mask"

with Eric Stoltz in the '80s?

It's like a Doppelganger.
Turn it away. Please.

You're a good friend.

I try.

I hate her!

-You wish he hadn't told you?
-I don't know.

Probably.

I mean, it's worse than
if he just fucked her, right?

He met up with her,
he liked her,

he confided in her...

he made out with her--
they made out.

We don't make out anymore.

It's so...

intimate.

He practically sprinted home
to confess at your bedside.

I mean, who does
that, right?

Oh, fuck.

He took relationship advice
from his loser brother?

Was John Mayer
out of the country?

So what are you gonna do?

So which one of you
lovely ladies is Lola?

Well...

Okay, Lola...

tell me something
about yourself.

What're you into?

What's... what's...
What's your jam?

What's my jam?

I don't know.

Okay...

Can I be honest with you?

I'm a little drunk.

No shit. Really?

Okay, but here's the thing--

I usually--
I usually get drunk,

because I get so nervous
before these things,

but you are my first lady date,

so I got, like, double--

double super nervous.

Well, you're doing well.

Wow, you are really pretty.

Okay...

For my age?

And very angry.

Are you shrinking me now, Izzy?

Wait. What?
How did you--

Never mind.

Do you ever read a book

and you know exactly
what's on the next page?

There are zero surprises...

you know,

and you think,
"I must've read this before."

But... no way,
because it just came out.

I'm gonna go.

I helped
make this mess,

-and I'm gonna go home and--
-[object drops]

What was that?

Oh, you dropped your--

Oh.

Surprise.

Can you be cool?

Yeah.

A little cooler than that,

because you look like somebody

who's getting a foot job
under the table.

I am getting a foot job
under the table.

Hi.

Am I doing it right?

Do you want me to stop?

Shit, am I
freaking you out?

This was Nina's idea

and then you said you had
no surprises in your life,

and that made me
really sad, actually,

and have I mentioned
that I'm pretty drunk?

Okay, I'm gonna need you
to stop blathering

and look me in the eye.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Are you okay?

I don't think so.

But-- but--

Lola!

Lola?

I just wanted
to make sure--

Make sure
you got paid?

No.

I was actually...
worried about you.

Oh, the venerable hooker
with a heart of gold.

Lucky me.
Take it.

A, I am not a hooker,

and B, you called me,

so...

My name is Emma.

Hi, Emma.

I'm Jack's wife.

Okay...

Minibar Makeout Guy
from last night?

What?

Yeah.

Why would you do this?

He liked you.

I wanted to find out why.

Well, did you?

I mean, find out
why he liked me?

Yeah.

Unfortunately, I did.

I like you right back, Emma.

So, I'm...
I'm just gonna...

Izzy?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Surprise.

[♪♪♪]

Hi.

Oh...

Are you eating here, or?

No, I...
You know what, it's--

Interesting fact--

it turns out

four out of five
Griffin grad students

actually live
in this building, so--

Plus, I saw

your name on the directory

in the foyer.

I've been pushing
the button non-stop.

Okay.

Can we sit down
for a sec?

Yeah, sure.

I love my wife.

I really do.

Just so you know that.

And I, um...

She's one of
the few things in my life

that I'm actually sure of.

Jack, I was your escort.

You don't have to
break up with me.

You just don't call me again.

-Right, right.
-Right?

Um...

I like you,
like, a lot,

and... we can't
have that, so.

I don't know when I'm gonna
stop thinking about you.

I just really, really
hope it's soon.

That's what I wanted to...

[♪♪♪]

-Okay. Bye.
-Bye.

[Jack]:
The reason why I hired you

is to save my marriage,
actually.

I don't think

I'm like the other guys
that hire you, to be honest.

I came to this

with, like, really...

good intentions.

That sounds so crazy.

[♪♪♪]

My marriage is in this,
like, weird place.

Hey.

Hey.

I really don't talk about it
with anyone,

but for some reason,

I feel comfortable talking
about it with you.

[♪♪♪]

What's that about?

You're beautiful.

Yeah? [laughs]

What's rockin'
your world hardest,

my Pebbles' 'do
or my thermal socks?

I thought
that this might help...

in my wife and I's situation.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

What're you doing?

Can I turn this off?

What're you doing?

This is gonna take
longer than three minutes.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Yeah?

Although probably
no more than eight.

Are we seriously gonna
do it on the kitchen floor?

Mm-hmm.

I'll take that as a yes.

What the fuck?

Izzy?

Oh, my God!

What the hell happened?

You're what happened.

What? What the hell
did I do?

Listen to me closely, Nina.

I quit.

Yup. I'm serious
this time, okay?

I'm done getting tangled
in people's lives,

and if you try
to talk me out of it,

I will snap,

like, go the fuck off.

Do you understand me?

Yup.

Yeah. Roger that.

I'm very resentful

that I don't have
a fucking solid door right now.

You chose that room!

Stop talking to me!

[sighs]

What're you thinking?

I met Izzy today.

What?

We made out.

After she gave me
a footjob under the table.

And I probably
should've told you this

a long, long time ago,

but, um...

she wasn't my first girl.

Or my second.

♪ I see the world
through brand-new eyes ♪

♪ I see the light
reflecting bright ♪

♪ From the faces
and the things I see ♪

♪ Oh, now I see

[♪♪♪]

♪ And it's up to me
to see it all through ♪

♪ But it's easy with you

[♪♪♪]

♪ Na, na, na...

♪ Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na
Na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na...

[♪♪♪]