Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,954 --> 00:00:11,623
[engine shuts off]
2
00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:16,399
Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.
3
00:00:16,432 --> 00:00:17,672
I think someone's following me.
4
00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,439
Who?
5
00:00:19,472 --> 00:00:21,176
Get in here.
It's the doc crew.
6
00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:22,512
[sighs]
7
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,617
You, too. Come on.
8
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:26,186
When I ran away from Nandor,
9
00:00:26,219 --> 00:00:27,430
I didn't really
know where to go.
10
00:00:27,454 --> 00:00:30,294
[Nandor] Guillermo!
11
00:00:30,327 --> 00:00:33,801
[Guillermo] So I just
flew for hours and hours.
12
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,404
Which was a little cool because
13
00:00:35,437 --> 00:00:37,208
that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.
14
00:00:37,241 --> 00:00:38,511
But also not cool
15
00:00:38,544 --> 00:00:40,214
because I knew Nandor was trying
16
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:41,651
to track me down to kill me.
17
00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:43,788
Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...
18
00:00:43,821 --> 00:00:45,124
I had no one else to turn to.
19
00:00:45,157 --> 00:00:47,261
I've just been laying low,
20
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:49,398
hiding for who knows how long.
21
00:00:50,768 --> 00:00:53,407
I wish they had Bravo here.
22
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,545
["You're Dead" by
Norma Tanega playing]
23
00:00:55,578 --> 00:00:58,150
♪ Don't sing if you
want to live long ♪
24
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,555
♪ They have no
use for your song ♪
25
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:03,293
♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
26
00:01:03,326 --> 00:01:06,232
♪ You're dead and
out of this world ♪
27
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,675
♪ Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪
28
00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:13,480
♪ You sold out your
dream to the world ♪
29
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:15,752
♪ Stay dead, stay
dead, stay dead ♪
30
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,856
♪ You're dead and
out of this world. ♪
31
00:01:17,889 --> 00:01:20,360
♪ ♪
32
00:01:27,942 --> 00:01:29,713
[door closes]
33
00:01:29,746 --> 00:01:31,291
I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have been
34
00:01:31,315 --> 00:01:32,284
- tailing you, too.
- Derek, that was them.
35
00:01:32,317 --> 00:01:33,921
Whoa.
36
00:01:33,954 --> 00:01:35,734
- You guys are good. Respect.
- Derek, just promise me
37
00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:37,562
you haven't told
anyone else that I'm here.
38
00:01:37,595 --> 00:01:39,509
Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?
39
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,469
Because... yes,
actually, I did tell Chad.
40
00:01:41,503 --> 00:01:42,839
This is serious, okay?
41
00:01:42,872 --> 00:01:44,317
My master is actively
trying to kill me.
42
00:01:44,341 --> 00:01:45,712
Did you bring my meat?
43
00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,649
Yes, burgers, extra
rare, just like you asked.
44
00:01:47,682 --> 00:01:49,829
I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.
45
00:01:49,853 --> 00:01:51,524
Turns out, I'm bad at it.
46
00:01:51,557 --> 00:01:52,835
So, um, I don't know
if you use Venmo
47
00:01:52,859 --> 00:01:53,937
or maybe you're a Zelle guy...
48
00:01:53,961 --> 00:01:56,399
[retches] These are not raw.
49
00:01:56,432 --> 00:01:58,312
I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.
50
00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,839
- [stammering]
- [knocking]
51
00:02:06,954 --> 00:02:08,700
- Sup, bitch?
- What the hell are you doing here?
52
00:02:08,724 --> 00:02:10,227
Did anyone see you? Get inside.
53
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,405
No, and it wouldn't
matter if they did
54
00:02:11,429 --> 00:02:13,935
because, hello, I'm in disguise.
55
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,170
Stop dancing, get inside.
56
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,607
How did you find me?
57
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,352
Your friend Derek told
me where you were hiding.
58
00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:19,622
[old-timey detective
voice] I paid him a little visit
59
00:02:19,646 --> 00:02:21,483
earlier today, see?
60
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,719
So, that was you.
61
00:02:22,752 --> 00:02:24,288
-[laughs] -Who did
you think it was?
62
00:02:24,321 --> 00:02:26,359
She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.
63
00:02:26,392 --> 00:02:28,339
- [Nadja] That's funny.
- I'm gonna need you to do me a favor, buddy.
64
00:02:28,363 --> 00:02:32,672
Can you go to the market
and get me some raw, raw meat
65
00:02:32,705 --> 00:02:34,619
and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.
66
00:02:34,643 --> 00:02:35,854
- Can you do that?
- Can do, can do.
67
00:02:35,878 --> 00:02:37,549
- Thank you, buddy.
- Okay, great.
68
00:02:37,582 --> 00:02:38,794
- Okay. Thanks so much.
- See you guys in a minute.
69
00:02:38,818 --> 00:02:40,522
Idiot.
70
00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:42,893
Guillermo. Sit.
71
00:02:42,926 --> 00:02:46,466
You simply cannot talk to
the vampire who turned you
72
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,303
with such disrespect.
73
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,340
That is a sacred relationship.
74
00:02:50,373 --> 00:02:51,844
You have to protect him.
75
00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:53,815
Like we protect the
Baron and the Sire.
76
00:02:53,848 --> 00:02:56,453
If anything was to
happen to that stupid man,
77
00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:58,958
the effects for you, my
friend, would be catastrophic.
78
00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:00,762
- Yes.
- [blows raspberry]
79
00:03:00,795 --> 00:03:02,608
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.
80
00:03:02,632 --> 00:03:04,745
I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know...
81
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:06,306
Nandor trying to kill you thing.
82
00:03:06,339 --> 00:03:08,511
- Awkward. [laughs]
- Which, by the way, um...
83
00:03:08,544 --> 00:03:09,713
Any progress on that end?
84
00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:11,817
Uh, yeah, um, a little.
85
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:12,819
- You talked to him?
- Yeah.
86
00:03:12,852 --> 00:03:14,255
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
87
00:03:14,288 --> 00:03:15,390
What'd he say?
88
00:03:15,423 --> 00:03:17,495
- [screaming]
- Nandor, come on.
89
00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:18,831
I'm gonna murder him!
90
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,504
Maybe if I write him a letter...
91
00:03:21,537 --> 00:03:24,242
Yeah, like if you wrote
him a suicide note,
92
00:03:24,275 --> 00:03:25,879
and actually
followed through on it,
93
00:03:25,912 --> 00:03:28,751
then that would
probably cool him down.
94
00:03:28,784 --> 00:03:31,824
- [faint moaning]
- [springs creaking]
95
00:03:31,857 --> 00:03:34,596
Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?
96
00:03:34,629 --> 00:03:35,732
[exhales]
97
00:03:35,765 --> 00:03:37,936
[sighs] Why did I do this?
98
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,807
Look, relationships evolve.
99
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,753
Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.
100
00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:45,518
At first, I was just using
them to get rid of my hex.
101
00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,454
But then it turned out...
102
00:03:47,487 --> 00:03:49,560
I really like hanging
out with those guys.
103
00:03:49,593 --> 00:03:51,296
-[loud moaning] -I
know you didn't mean...
104
00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:52,708
[clears throat] I
know you didn't mean
105
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,068
for things to turn out this way,
106
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,005
- [loud moaning]
- but I think it's time
107
00:03:56,038 --> 00:03:57,441
you need to accept...
You know what?
108
00:03:57,474 --> 00:03:59,278
Hang on, I cannot
take this anymore!
109
00:03:59,311 --> 00:04:00,748
[man] Yeah!
110
00:04:00,781 --> 00:04:02,427
- [springs creaking wildly]
- [door crashes open]
111
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,489
- It's hard, you know.
- [woman moaning loudly]
112
00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:05,934
-[indistinct conversation] -To
know that you've done something,
113
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:08,664
that you messed
up but you can't...
114
00:04:08,697 --> 00:04:10,802
- [moaning resumes]
- fix it and...
115
00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:13,039
- [Nadja moaning]
- And she's joined them.
116
00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:14,510
- [moaning]
- [thudding]
117
00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:18,316
[Nandor] Night
after night, I hunt.
118
00:04:18,349 --> 00:04:22,692
I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath
119
00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:25,632
and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.
120
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,736
So I've been
watching the one place
121
00:04:27,769 --> 00:04:30,909
I know he will
return to eventually...
122
00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:32,979
Panera Bread.
123
00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:34,983
I've got you now.
124
00:04:35,016 --> 00:04:36,720
He can run,
125
00:04:36,753 --> 00:04:38,524
but he cannot run far.
126
00:04:38,557 --> 00:04:40,661
Because he has very short legs.
127
00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:45,838
-[gasps] -Guillermo,
now you will die.
128
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:48,043
- I-I didn't do anything.
- [roaring]
129
00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:51,784
Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.
130
00:04:51,817 --> 00:04:53,119
And this disguise
131
00:04:53,152 --> 00:04:54,823
that has slightly
altered your appearance
132
00:04:54,856 --> 00:04:56,125
does not fool me.
133
00:04:56,158 --> 00:04:57,862
I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!
134
00:04:57,895 --> 00:05:00,067
I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.
135
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,037
- Patton Oswalt?
- Yeah.
136
00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,507
- An actor?
- Yes!
137
00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:04,877
What would I know you from?
138
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,680
- I was in Ratatouille.
- Is that a movie?
139
00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:08,584
It's... It was animated.
140
00:05:08,617 --> 00:05:09,786
I was the voice of a rat.
141
00:05:09,819 --> 00:05:12,091
- I prefer live action.
- Uh...
142
00:05:12,124 --> 00:05:13,694
Do you know John Slattery?
143
00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:15,531
I don't know him
personally, I know of him.
144
00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:17,535
- He seems really cool.
- He is.
145
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:20,040
Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...
146
00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:21,543
[groans]
147
00:05:21,576 --> 00:05:23,648
[coughing, gasping]
148
00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:24,917
Oh...
149
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,154
My apologies, Patton Oswalt.
150
00:05:27,187 --> 00:05:29,458
You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.
151
00:05:29,491 --> 00:05:30,962
I have been lying
in wait for him
152
00:05:30,995 --> 00:05:32,899
on the top of that
building there.
153
00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,035
It's only a matter of time
154
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:36,072
before he returns
to Panera Bread,
155
00:05:36,105 --> 00:05:38,410
like a gazelle to
his watering hole.
156
00:05:38,443 --> 00:05:41,850
And when he does, I will strike.
157
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,921
Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?
158
00:05:43,954 --> 00:05:45,601
- What do you mean?
- There's a lot of Panera Breads.
159
00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,562
They're... They're
all over the city.
160
00:05:47,595 --> 00:05:48,630
Shit.
161
00:05:52,939 --> 00:05:54,576
- [knocking] -Who is it?
- [Colin] Gigi?
162
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,580
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
163
00:05:56,613 --> 00:05:58,149
- How did you find me?
- Oh, I just...
164
00:05:58,182 --> 00:06:01,624
took a map of Staten
Island and laid it over a grid
165
00:06:01,657 --> 00:06:03,168
and looked for any
motel that shared a square
166
00:06:03,192 --> 00:06:05,865
with an Arby's, a party
store or a sweater shop.
167
00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,736
Well, I'm not near
any of those things.
168
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,773
Yeah, I know, so
I just asked Nadja.
169
00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,977
Great. What do you want?
170
00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:14,148
First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.
171
00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:17,154
You're a nice enough
guy caught in a bad sitch.
172
00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,127
I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.
173
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,864
- [briefcase unlocks]
- Thank you.
174
00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:26,005
Secondly, I am here to
conduct your exit interview,
175
00:06:26,038 --> 00:06:28,143
from your job as a familiar.
176
00:06:28,176 --> 00:06:30,748
And also your life, so...
177
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:34,155
Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,
178
00:06:34,188 --> 00:06:36,894
I know it's valuable. [chuckles]
179
00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:39,498
Because there's
so little of it left.
180
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:40,702
- Okay.
- [clicks]
181
00:06:40,735 --> 00:06:44,208
Familiar exit
interview, 10:47 p.m.,
182
00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:47,014
Colin Robinson
conducting interview.
183
00:06:47,047 --> 00:06:48,551
Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"
184
00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:51,890
what's prompting
you to leave your job?
185
00:06:51,923 --> 00:06:53,561
Nandor trying to kill me.
186
00:06:53,594 --> 00:06:56,800
And... what was your
salary as a familiar?
187
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,537
Oh, I don't get paid.
188
00:06:58,570 --> 00:07:01,643
[chuckles] No, but
honestly, for this to work,
189
00:07:01,676 --> 00:07:03,681
I kind of need
a ballpark figure.
190
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:05,183
$500, $550 a week?
191
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,787
- I don't get paid.
- Uh-huh.
192
00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:08,557
And do you think
we can get away with
193
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,528
not paying the next person?
194
00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,799
Okay. This interview's over.
195
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,972
Interview concluded by subject
196
00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:19,713
who was cooperative and
at times almost articulate.
197
00:07:19,746 --> 00:07:21,058
- [recorder clicks]
- Okay, thank you.
198
00:07:21,082 --> 00:07:23,086
This is just from me.
199
00:07:23,119 --> 00:07:25,525
It was nice having
you in the house.
200
00:07:25,558 --> 00:07:26,960
Thanks, Colin.
201
00:07:26,993 --> 00:07:30,601
"Jay Sturkel, Quarter
Four Sales Leader, 1977."
202
00:07:30,634 --> 00:07:34,509
I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.
203
00:07:35,845 --> 00:07:37,915
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
204
00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:42,726
I think what bugs me the most
205
00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:44,896
is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.
206
00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:47,836
This is a gift I do not
give to just anyone.
207
00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:51,543
Uh, you know, friendship
has to be... earned.
208
00:07:51,576 --> 00:07:53,113
How is your, um...
209
00:07:53,146 --> 00:07:54,616
- Turkey Bacon Bravo.
- Yes.
210
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:56,018
It is, it's good.
211
00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:57,230
And I usually get the
bread bowls here...
212
00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:58,958
I think what it is
213
00:07:58,991 --> 00:08:02,063
is that I thought
Guillermo had earned it.
214
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,707
You are a good
listener, Patton Oswalt.
215
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:08,318
You know, it's funny
because something like this
216
00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:10,848
happened with me a couple
years ago with my manager, we...
217
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,986
- Shh. Just listen.
- Oh... [grunts]
218
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:15,290
We are not talking
about you right now,
219
00:08:15,323 --> 00:08:17,027
are we, Patton Oswalt?
220
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,864
- No, we're not.
- Mm.
221
00:08:18,897 --> 00:08:21,035
- So, go on.
- Thank you.
222
00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:25,711
[knocking]
223
00:08:27,782 --> 00:08:29,586
Who is it?
224
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:31,255
[Laszlo] Housekeeping.
225
00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:33,268
-I should ask how you
found out where... -Shh, shh.
226
00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,294
What?
227
00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,002
I'm guessing you're
content with your...
228
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,773
toilet paper situation?
229
00:08:39,806 --> 00:08:41,209
Yes, thank you.
230
00:08:41,242 --> 00:08:43,012
All right.
231
00:08:43,045 --> 00:08:44,749
Then I will...
232
00:08:44,782 --> 00:08:47,354
leave you to watch the
television for the evening.
233
00:08:47,387 --> 00:08:50,160
And I will say... goodbye.
234
00:08:50,193 --> 00:08:51,897
- [quietly] Sit down.
- What's going on?
235
00:08:51,930 --> 00:08:54,870
I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.
236
00:08:54,903 --> 00:08:56,205
All those science experiments,
237
00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:57,876
they were nothing
but a blind alley.
238
00:08:57,909 --> 00:08:59,679
Laszlo, you tried your best.
239
00:08:59,712 --> 00:09:01,282
No, there's been something I...
240
00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:02,886
You-you should
probably put something on
241
00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:04,288
that's a bit louder than this.
242
00:09:04,321 --> 00:09:06,292
Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.
243
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:08,029
- [airplanes whirring]
- That's better.
244
00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:11,169
I've known you since
you were a young familiar.
245
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:13,039
And I may have been
hard on you in the past,
246
00:09:13,072 --> 00:09:15,177
- and, uh...
- [gunfire on TV]
247
00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:16,780
Could you put something that...
248
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,784
is as loud but less percussive?
249
00:09:18,817 --> 00:09:20,262
- [engines roaring]
- Sport, yes, that's better.
250
00:09:20,286 --> 00:09:22,224
And I say, does
that thing have any...
251
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,629
programs of the adult variety?
252
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:27,201
Uh, I suppose, yeah.
253
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,706
-[giggling] -[Laszlo
gasps] -There you go.
254
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,944
[clears throat] You were saying?
255
00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:33,046
Sorry?
256
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,315
- You were saying?
- Yes.
257
00:09:34,348 --> 00:09:35,918
I was saying...
258
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:38,657
I've known you since you were...
259
00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,327
- a young fa...
- [moaning on TV]
260
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,064
What do you think
they're gonna do?
261
00:09:42,097 --> 00:09:43,667
- Yeah, Laszlo...
- Yes, yes,
262
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,272
s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.
263
00:09:46,305 --> 00:09:48,978
And, uh, I'm about to
tell you something now
264
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:50,748
that I've never told
anyone else before.
265
00:09:50,781 --> 00:09:52,685
[moaning on TV]
266
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,723
- L-Laszlo?
- Good grief.
267
00:09:54,756 --> 00:09:56,292
You were going to
tell me something
268
00:09:56,325 --> 00:09:58,363
- you never told anyone before...?
- Shh. [laughs]
269
00:09:58,396 --> 00:10:00,000
You might have to
give me a minute.
270
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,803
[Guillermo] So, yeah,
even Laszlo came by.
271
00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:03,339
If I would've known how...
272
00:10:03,372 --> 00:10:05,010
my last couple of
days would play out,
273
00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:06,713
how the last couple of months...
274
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:08,225
I would've never
asked Derek to turn me.
275
00:10:08,249 --> 00:10:10,120
It's not that I
don't want to die,
276
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:11,999
and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,
277
00:10:12,023 --> 00:10:15,698
but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.
278
00:10:15,731 --> 00:10:17,100
My friends.
279
00:10:17,133 --> 00:10:18,880
I always figured if I got
turned into a vampire
280
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:21,442
that it would... bring
me closer to them.
281
00:10:21,475 --> 00:10:24,414
But it's just left me feeling
more alone than ever.
282
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:27,989
Nandor, can I ask
you a question?
283
00:10:28,022 --> 00:10:29,759
Yes, Patton Oswalt.
284
00:10:29,792 --> 00:10:33,166
Your friendship with
Guillermo is very special, right?
285
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,370
I thought it was.
286
00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:38,109
And I bet...
287
00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:40,748
killing a friend...
288
00:10:40,781 --> 00:10:42,184
would really hurt.
289
00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,388
I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings
290
00:10:44,421 --> 00:10:46,158
a person could have.
291
00:10:46,191 --> 00:10:48,396
So, what if you...
292
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:50,400
repair the friendship?
293
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,137
- You repair it...
- So you're saying
294
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:55,143
that I should not
kill my former friend?
295
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:57,414
- Uh, yes, you-you...
- This is your suggestion?
296
00:10:57,447 --> 00:10:59,084
Well, you know, you rebuild...
297
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,757
After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?
298
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:05,230
All that betray me
must be destroyed.
299
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,234
-Wait, wait... -Goodbye,
Patton Oswalt.
300
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,271
[screaming]
301
00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:10,775
[body thudding, crashing]
302
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,044
- [loud thud]
- [sighs]
303
00:11:12,077 --> 00:11:14,247
He does make a
good point, though.
304
00:11:18,824 --> 00:11:20,984
-[on video]...arm, and a
block of... -[knocking loudly]
305
00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:23,366
Of course.
306
00:11:23,399 --> 00:11:27,775
Hi. I just came by to
pay you my condolences.
307
00:11:27,808 --> 00:11:31,182
"Sorry for your
loss of your life."
308
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:33,754
Is there anyone who
doesn't know that I'm here?
309
00:11:33,787 --> 00:11:36,158
Well, I'm usually the last
one to know, so probably not.
310
00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:37,461
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
311
00:11:37,494 --> 00:11:39,131
And then I also
brought some friends
312
00:11:39,164 --> 00:11:40,768
who wanted to say goodbye.
313
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,337
Hiya, Daddy.
314
00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,375
- Hey.
- Guide lady said you're going off
315
00:11:44,408 --> 00:11:45,452
- to a big, beautiful...
- Hey, big guy.
316
00:11:45,476 --> 00:11:47,447
Farm in the sky.
317
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,285
- Can we come?
- [Guillermo] Oh...
318
00:11:49,318 --> 00:11:50,888
- No, buddy.
- Aw.
319
00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:55,063
- There's no room at the farm.
- [sniffling]
320
00:11:55,096 --> 00:11:56,867
"In the death of a good man,
321
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,004
eternity is seen
looking through time."
322
00:11:59,037 --> 00:12:00,841
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
323
00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:03,212
- [sobbing]
- Okay.
324
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,949
- So... Oh.
- [phone buzzing]
325
00:12:04,982 --> 00:12:06,052
Sorry.
326
00:12:06,085 --> 00:12:07,889
Hola, Ma.
327
00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:09,859
[Nandor] Hello, Guillermo.
328
00:12:09,892 --> 00:12:11,897
I've been looking for you.
329
00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:13,567
Where are you?
330
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,873
Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.
331
00:12:16,906 --> 00:12:19,445
In her apartment.
Where she lives.
332
00:12:19,478 --> 00:12:21,015
My mother has
nothing to do with this.
333
00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:22,518
If you touch her, I swear...
334
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:25,858
[Silvia speaking Spanish]
335
00:12:25,891 --> 00:12:27,571
Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here
336
00:12:27,595 --> 00:12:29,365
and we can discuss
what happens next.
337
00:12:29,398 --> 00:12:30,500
[phone beeps]
338
00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:32,404
- I have to go.
- Bye, Daddy.
339
00:12:32,437 --> 00:12:34,050
Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?
340
00:12:34,074 --> 00:12:35,811
[Dog Guillermo]
He's not coming back.
341
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,217
- Ah, come on, you stupid...
- [dings]
342
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,529
- Get away from her.
- Guillermo.
343
00:12:44,562 --> 00:12:47,033
[speaking Spanish]
344
00:12:48,603 --> 00:12:49,839
I'll be back, okay?
345
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:50,908
¿Cómo está, mijo?
346
00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,879
- Hey, Mami.
- Mwah.
347
00:12:52,912 --> 00:12:54,582
Don't be long, Sylvia.
348
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,419
Still want to see the
photographs of Guillermo
349
00:12:56,452 --> 00:12:58,423
in this gotico phase.
350
00:12:58,456 --> 00:12:59,859
You can kill me if you want,
351
00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:01,004
but you leave her
out of this, okay?
352
00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,431
Oh, I know I could kill you.
353
00:13:02,464 --> 00:13:04,334
And you'd deserve it.
354
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,407
[Guillermo panting]
355
00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:12,484
But I have decided not to.
356
00:13:12,518 --> 00:13:14,021
Yeah, well, I don't believe you.
357
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,358
No, of course you don't.
358
00:13:16,391 --> 00:13:19,398
But something
happened recently and...
359
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,202
it's made me change my mind.
360
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:24,509
- Oh, yeah? What?
- My friend Patton Oswalt.
361
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:27,515
He passed away quite
suddenly. And, um...
362
00:13:27,548 --> 00:13:31,021
it didn't feel good
losing a friend.
363
00:13:31,054 --> 00:13:33,059
How do I know
you're telling the truth?
364
00:13:33,092 --> 00:13:34,863
Because I give you
my word as a vampire.
365
00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:38,637
- [scoffs] Not good enough.
- Then I give you my word...
366
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,206
as a warrior.
367
00:13:40,239 --> 00:13:42,578
- [hisses]
- [grunts]
368
00:13:43,947 --> 00:13:45,984
[speaking Persian]
369
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:49,324
Translation:
370
00:13:49,357 --> 00:13:51,161
"If I'm lying...
371
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,502
then kill me now."
372
00:14:04,354 --> 00:14:05,490
Then it is settled.
373
00:14:05,524 --> 00:14:07,494
You'll come home with me, alive.
374
00:14:07,528 --> 00:14:08,630
Mami, no!
375
00:14:08,663 --> 00:14:11,302
[speaks Spanish]
376
00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:12,471
Wow, that worked.
377
00:14:12,505 --> 00:14:14,108
-Mm? -Hmm?
378
00:14:14,141 --> 00:14:15,644
[owl hoots]
379
00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:17,147
We return with news.
380
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:19,686
I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.
381
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,222
- Yay.
- [Nadja] Yay.
382
00:14:21,255 --> 00:14:22,601
He will live here in
this house, with us,
383
00:14:22,625 --> 00:14:24,394
- as an equal.
- [Laszlo laughs]
384
00:14:24,427 --> 00:14:26,098
As a vampire.
385
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,138
- Boo.
- Where once we were four, we are now five.
386
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,541
I think your math is off.
387
00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:32,578
If I had known Gizmo
was going to stay with us,
388
00:14:32,611 --> 00:14:34,949
I would've said just kill
him and be done with it.
389
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,586
[Colin] Where
is he going to sit?
390
00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,431
I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?
391
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:42,030
Hold on a second. Gizmo
cannot fully become a vampire
392
00:14:42,063 --> 00:14:43,667
due to his Van Helsing blood.
393
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,270
[Nandor] Laszlo, Laszlo,
394
00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:47,407
with all your experiments
and your notetaking,
395
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,679
and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,
396
00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:52,217
you never thought of
the simplest solution.
397
00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:55,724
- Which is?
- You never got Guillermo to drink human blood.
398
00:14:55,757 --> 00:15:00,132
- Wait. Y-You never thought of that?
- Shut up.
399
00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:03,640
- I don't think I can do this.
- You must.
400
00:15:03,673 --> 00:15:05,243
Or else you'll be
eternally frozen
401
00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:07,581
in this painful, unending
limbo. Now drink.
402
00:15:09,017 --> 00:15:10,453
Come on, Guillermo.
403
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:12,233
- Drink, bitch.
- [Colin] Yeah, drink it, bitch.
404
00:15:12,257 --> 00:15:14,203
- [Laszlo] Yes. -Drink it.
- [Nadja] Swallow it all.
405
00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:15,673
- Drink. Drink.
- [Nadja] Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink!
406
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,568
- Swallow it.
- Drink. Drink. -Oi, drink.
407
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:19,761
- Drink. Drink.
- [Nadja] Drink it. Take it like a man.
408
00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:21,576
[gasps]
409
00:15:21,609 --> 00:15:23,246
[Laszlo] Fangs.
410
00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,718
-[laughs] -Wow -Ah.
411
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:27,354
I've never felt more alive.
412
00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:29,258
I really should've
thought of that.
413
00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:30,393
I'm a vampire. [laughs]
414
00:15:30,426 --> 00:15:31,696
I'm a vampire!
415
00:15:31,729 --> 00:15:35,170
- I'm a vampire!
- [Laszlo] Yahoo.
416
00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:36,238
Yep.
417
00:15:36,271 --> 00:15:37,742
- Nicely done.
- [laughs]
418
00:15:37,775 --> 00:15:41,081
[whooshing]
419
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,154
- One sip of blood and he's like Cornholio over here.
- [Laszlo laughs]
420
00:15:44,187 --> 00:15:45,356
Yes.
421
00:15:45,389 --> 00:15:46,526
-[Laszlo] He likes that.
422
00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:48,229
- [glass shatters]
- [Nadja] Ooh.
423
00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:51,202
Behold what I've become.
424
00:15:51,235 --> 00:15:53,306
Yes, yes, we've all been there.
425
00:15:53,339 --> 00:15:55,076
Why are we all
sitting on our asses?
426
00:15:55,109 --> 00:15:56,746
Let's do something!
What do we do next?
427
00:15:56,779 --> 00:15:57,782
Get a broom.
428
00:15:57,815 --> 00:15:59,752
Now, we hunt!
429
00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,558
-[cheering] -[Nadja] I'm
sorry, Mommy needs to eat.
430
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:04,294
- [Nandor] Hunt, hunt, hunt!
- [sighs]
431
00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:05,496
Hunt, hunt!
432
00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,266
FOMO.
433
00:16:10,439 --> 00:16:12,410
[Colin speaking quietly]
434
00:16:12,443 --> 00:16:14,014
Which reminds me,
435
00:16:14,047 --> 00:16:16,653
what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?
436
00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:20,460
You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.
437
00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:23,099
[chuckles] Just a little
wine humor for you.
438
00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:24,434
Oh. [belches]
439
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,680
[Colin] Sommeliers
are a dying breed...
440
00:16:25,704 --> 00:16:28,309
Oh. I've eaten too
much. I feel sick.
441
00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:29,746
Go on, Guillermo.
442
00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:32,785
I bonked this one on
the head just for you.
443
00:16:32,818 --> 00:16:34,454
They're much
easier to drain and kill
444
00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:36,225
when they're not
wriggling around.
445
00:16:36,258 --> 00:16:38,296
Oh, no, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.
446
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,068
Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long
447
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:44,742
when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.
448
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:47,047
[growling, slurping]
449
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,351
[Guillermo] I've never
killed anyone before.
450
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,157
I mean, I guess
dozens of vampires.
451
00:16:52,190 --> 00:16:53,760
And I did bring humans
452
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,598
to the vampires so
they could kill them.
453
00:16:55,631 --> 00:16:56,833
And I've dismembered,
454
00:16:56,866 --> 00:16:58,704
like, a ton of dead bodies.
455
00:16:58,737 --> 00:17:01,275
But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.
456
00:17:01,308 --> 00:17:03,513
And when I leaned in to take...
457
00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:04,515
I could...
458
00:17:04,548 --> 00:17:07,220
smell their shampoo
459
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:09,157
and all I kept thinking was
460
00:17:09,190 --> 00:17:10,561
this guy was at CVS
461
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,497
just sniffing away
all these shampoos
462
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,434
and says, "Eh, I
think I'll get this one
463
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,582
because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."
464
00:17:16,606 --> 00:17:18,209
[whimpers]
465
00:17:18,242 --> 00:17:20,113
I can't do this, I'm
sorry. Could we...
466
00:17:20,146 --> 00:17:22,316
- I can't...
- [audio cuts out]
467
00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:27,460
[door closes]
468
00:17:27,493 --> 00:17:29,531
[approaching footsteps]
469
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,646
Just as I feared.
470
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:41,555
Guillermo is not cut
out to be a vampire.
471
00:17:42,658 --> 00:17:45,129
I will fix.
472
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:50,106
[whooshes]
473
00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:51,308
You summoned me?
474
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,379
Yes, I wish for Guillermo...
475
00:17:53,412 --> 00:17:56,118
Eh, eh, you ran out of
wishes a long time ago.
476
00:17:56,151 --> 00:17:57,597
Have you just been
carrying me around?
477
00:17:57,621 --> 00:17:59,291
Maybe.
478
00:17:59,324 --> 00:18:00,728
- Yeah.
- [groans]
479
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:02,230
Okay, well...
480
00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,535
Nice to see you
again. You can, uh...
481
00:18:04,568 --> 00:18:06,271
Can't I stretch
my legs a little?
482
00:18:06,304 --> 00:18:08,342
I wish I could
help you, but, uh...
483
00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,379
- That's very funny.
- Get in the fucking lamp.
484
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:17,427
I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...
485
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,565
Wait, what was the
ceremony called again?
486
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,370
The Ceremony of
Vampiric Transmogrification.
487
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,472
-Oh. -Don't be nervous,
488
00:18:23,506 --> 00:18:24,742
we have all been through it.
489
00:18:24,775 --> 00:18:26,880
Well, is it scary?
490
00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:28,884
Nothing you cannot handle.
491
00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:31,589
The ancient ceremony will
help hasten you along your path.
492
00:18:31,622 --> 00:18:34,662
[ominous music playing]
493
00:18:34,695 --> 00:18:35,931
It is time.
494
00:18:35,964 --> 00:18:37,601
Are you ready?
495
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,437
I am.
496
00:18:41,876 --> 00:18:43,479
♪ ♪
497
00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:44,949
Hey.
498
00:18:44,982 --> 00:18:46,653
Derek is here, too?
499
00:18:46,686 --> 00:18:48,957
Yes. Fucking guy.
500
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:52,230
But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.
501
00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:54,702
- Come on.
- [Guillermo] Hey, everyone.
502
00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:56,472
Hello.
503
00:18:56,506 --> 00:18:57,641
- Derek.
- Hey.
504
00:18:57,674 --> 00:18:59,311
[music shuts off]
505
00:18:59,344 --> 00:19:00,857
- [Nandor clears throat]
- [stomps, bell tolls]
506
00:19:00,881 --> 00:19:04,555
Vampires all, gather we
here in the dark of night?
507
00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:05,824
[vampires] We do.
508
00:19:05,857 --> 00:19:08,429
We have made of
ourselves a circle?
509
00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:10,275
- The circle... -The circle unbroken.
- Unbroken.
510
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,872
[Nandor] We gather
here in a circle unbroken
511
00:19:12,905 --> 00:19:15,410
at the crossroads
between life and death.
512
00:19:15,443 --> 00:19:18,984
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?
513
00:19:19,017 --> 00:19:20,621
I am.
514
00:19:20,654 --> 00:19:23,459
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind
515
00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:24,896
and strong of body?
516
00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:26,398
I am.
517
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:27,701
A choice will be made.
518
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,972
This choice can
only be made by you.
519
00:19:30,005 --> 00:19:33,279
We vampires here
are only witnesses.
520
00:19:33,312 --> 00:19:36,351
Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.
521
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:37,821
[clears throat] That's me.
522
00:19:38,923 --> 00:19:40,694
Nicely done.
523
00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:44,702
Guillermo de la Cruz, I will
now ask you one question.
524
00:19:44,735 --> 00:19:47,608
The answer must
come from your heart.
525
00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:49,545
For this is the last time
526
00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:51,583
you get to make
this final choice.
527
00:19:51,616 --> 00:19:53,687
- Do I make myself clear?
- Mm-hmm.
528
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,661
The question is: Would
you rather be a human...
529
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,000
or vampire?
530
00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:11,287
A human.
531
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,566
As I predicted.
532
00:20:16,599 --> 00:20:17,877
It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,
533
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,337
- I really, really do.
- Sure.
534
00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:20,741
It's all the killing.
535
00:20:20,774 --> 00:20:22,443
You can spare us
the details, it's fine.
536
00:20:22,476 --> 00:20:24,615
You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.
537
00:20:24,648 --> 00:20:26,060
- We're gonna make it happen.
- Wait, what?
538
00:20:26,084 --> 00:20:29,692
Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.
539
00:20:29,725 --> 00:20:31,328
That's me again.
540
00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:34,434
- You're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Derek.
541
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,047
- Can I get a smaller...
- They're unisex.
542
00:20:36,071 --> 00:20:37,817
- It's a one size fits all situation? Okay.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:39,779
Do I get a hood, or...
544
00:20:39,812 --> 00:20:40,781
- [Nandor] Hurry it up.
- [Baron] I have one for you, too.
545
00:20:40,814 --> 00:20:42,383
[Sire] Thank you.
546
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:45,657
We blind ourselves
that none may witness.
547
00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:47,460
Hoods on, everyone.
548
00:20:47,493 --> 00:20:50,066
♪ We blind ourselves ♪
549
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:55,577
[together] ♪ That
none may see. ♪
550
00:20:55,610 --> 00:20:58,315
[Nandor] Very nice.
Proceed to position two.
551
00:20:58,348 --> 00:20:59,819
[bell tolling]
552
00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:01,364
[Derek] I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?
553
00:21:01,388 --> 00:21:02,791
Just as you are,
Derek, that's fine.
554
00:21:02,824 --> 00:21:05,564
- Wait, what?
- It is the only way, Guillermo.
555
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,601
- W-Won't I die, too?
- No.
556
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,805
You'll go back to how you
were when you were turned.
557
00:21:09,838 --> 00:21:12,410
You'll just get a month
older really quickly.
558
00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:13,813
There's got to be another way.
559
00:21:13,846 --> 00:21:15,751
There's no other way.
560
00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:17,921
It is the only way.
561
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,389
[exhales]
562
00:21:38,495 --> 00:21:40,099
- I can't do this.
- [coughs] Knew it.
563
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,045
[Derek] I'm sorry, can't do
what? What am I missing?
564
00:21:42,069 --> 00:21:43,038
[Nandor] Just keep that hood
on, Derek. You're doing great.
565
00:21:43,071 --> 00:21:44,040
[Derek] Thank you.
566
00:21:44,073 --> 00:21:46,010
You want me to do it?
567
00:21:47,948 --> 00:21:50,119
- I don't know.
- I do.
568
00:21:50,152 --> 00:21:51,722
Give me that.
569
00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,731
[Derek grunts]
570
00:21:55,764 --> 00:21:58,837
[Nandor] Guillermo, you okay?
571
00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,616
- [Colin] Whoa! [Laszlo] Um...
- [Nandor] Oh, shit.
572
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,443
[Guillermo] Everything's
kind of blurry.
573
00:22:02,476 --> 00:22:04,013
I think I need my old glasses.
574
00:22:05,617 --> 00:22:07,487
- Here.
- Thank you.
575
00:22:07,521 --> 00:22:08,957
Well, that was fun.
576
00:22:08,990 --> 00:22:10,603
Can we turn the regular
lights on now, please?
577
00:22:10,627 --> 00:22:12,865
Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these
578
00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:15,002
hoods and robes?
579
00:22:15,035 --> 00:22:16,915
Eh, just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.
580
00:22:16,939 --> 00:22:20,112
I must say, the, uh, the
banners are a lovely touch.
581
00:22:20,145 --> 00:22:21,583
You know, I like them, too.
582
00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:22,851
What do they mean?
583
00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:24,622
I don't know, to
be honest, Baron.
584
00:22:24,655 --> 00:22:26,926
I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.
585
00:22:26,959 --> 00:22:28,462
Very nice, yes.
586
00:22:28,495 --> 00:22:30,132
[speaking vampiric language]
587
00:22:30,165 --> 00:22:32,504
We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.
588
00:22:32,537 --> 00:22:34,116
- Good evening.
- Kalinychta. -[Guide] Bye.
589
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,613
[Nandor] Anyone up
for a game of parcheesi?
590
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:38,082
[Nadja] Maybe a movie.
591
00:22:38,115 --> 00:22:39,527
- I'm zonked.
- [Colin] The Brothers McMullin?
592
00:22:39,551 --> 00:22:40,830
That wasn't even a
real ceremony, was it?
593
00:22:40,854 --> 00:22:42,558
No.
594
00:22:42,591 --> 00:22:45,631
I found the robes in a
box in the attic and, uh...
595
00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:48,034
the candles I think we
got from a Home Depot?
596
00:22:50,674 --> 00:22:52,578
I'm sorry, Guillermo.
597
00:22:52,611 --> 00:22:53,889
It was the only way
for you to figure out
598
00:22:53,913 --> 00:22:55,717
what you actually wanted.
599
00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:58,489
It was a horrible
and hard decision.
600
00:22:58,523 --> 00:23:00,058
I think you made
the right choice.
601
00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,198
I know.
602
00:23:03,231 --> 00:23:05,111
Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse
603
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:07,874
before sunrise,
that would be great.
604
00:23:14,521 --> 00:23:17,528
Its alright i"ll
give you a hand.
605
00:23:17,561 --> 00:23:18,929
Thanks, Laszlo.
606
00:23:20,199 --> 00:23:22,871
♪ ♪
607
00:23:26,044 --> 00:23:28,182
- You take the bag, I'll take Derek.
- Okay.
608
00:23:28,215 --> 00:23:30,486
Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.
609
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,631
[Guillermo] Mr. Necromancer?
610
00:23:31,655 --> 00:23:33,058
[knocking]
611
00:23:34,661 --> 00:23:36,833
And you have the
necessary items required
612
00:23:36,866 --> 00:23:38,503
for the procedure to succeed?
613
00:23:38,536 --> 00:23:40,540
He means the cash.
614
00:23:40,573 --> 00:23:41,952
[Guillermo] Yeah, it was almost
all the money I gave Derek
615
00:23:41,976 --> 00:23:43,913
to turn me into a vampire.
616
00:23:43,946 --> 00:23:46,853
He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"
617
00:23:46,886 --> 00:23:49,190
that he got from Hot Topic.
618
00:23:49,223 --> 00:23:52,196
You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.
619
00:23:52,229 --> 00:23:53,666
I should trust you
620
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:55,504
when you when you
show me no respect for me
621
00:23:55,537 --> 00:23:57,541
or my beguiling powers?
622
00:23:57,574 --> 00:23:58,943
Respect? For a fraud?
623
00:23:58,976 --> 00:24:01,114
But you've seen my
methods succeed.
624
00:24:01,147 --> 00:24:03,853
I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.
625
00:24:03,886 --> 00:24:05,590
Okay, okay. Boys,
why don't we focus?
626
00:24:05,623 --> 00:24:07,894
[chanting]
627
00:24:10,099 --> 00:24:12,871
He's doing his scatting shit.
628
00:24:12,904 --> 00:24:15,744
- [chanting]
- [bell tolls]
629
00:24:15,777 --> 00:24:19,183
- [thunder crashing]
- [manic chanting]
630
00:24:22,791 --> 00:24:25,262
Yah! [spits]
631
00:24:25,295 --> 00:24:27,166
Get in, you dirty bastard!
632
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,937
[gasps]
633
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,139
[gurgling]
634
00:24:30,172 --> 00:24:31,274
Derek...
635
00:24:31,307 --> 00:24:33,613
[gasping]
636
00:24:33,646 --> 00:24:35,817
[raspy] What's up, dude?
637
00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:37,688
All right. Begone with ya.
638
00:24:37,721 --> 00:24:39,224
He's all yours.
639
00:24:39,257 --> 00:24:41,696
But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,
640
00:24:41,729 --> 00:24:43,098
we do have a new offer.
641
00:24:43,131 --> 00:24:44,602
Of course you do.
642
00:24:44,635 --> 00:24:45,913
- For a nominal fee...
- Here he goes.
643
00:24:45,937 --> 00:24:47,273
A rehousing option.
644
00:24:47,306 --> 00:24:48,743
- [whistles] Topher!
- No.
645
00:24:48,776 --> 00:24:50,312
[snarling]
646
00:24:50,345 --> 00:24:51,716
[Laszlo] What the fuck?
647
00:24:51,749 --> 00:24:55,022
[guttural] Who calls... Topher?
648
00:24:55,055 --> 00:24:56,659
What's this "Thriller" shit?
649
00:24:56,692 --> 00:24:59,297
- [gasping]
- [screaming]
650
00:24:59,330 --> 00:25:00,867
[normal voice] JK.
651
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,045
-[laughter] -[Laszlo]
Oh, it's that guy.
652
00:25:02,069 --> 00:25:04,274
- Topher!
- Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?
653
00:25:04,307 --> 00:25:05,911
How you doing, Guillermo?
654
00:25:05,944 --> 00:25:07,748
[Guillermo] Topher,
you look, uh...
655
00:25:07,781 --> 00:25:09,326
- You look like shit.
- Well, I'm au naturel, babe.
656
00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:11,021
I've had some work done.
657
00:25:11,054 --> 00:25:12,591
You know, I'm still undead,
658
00:25:12,624 --> 00:25:14,127
but I'm making
the most of it, man.
659
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,997
Once you get used
to the zombie body,
660
00:25:16,030 --> 00:25:18,168
you can actually learn
to talk normal again.
661
00:25:18,201 --> 00:25:20,172
Like this. Pretty cool, huh?
662
00:25:20,205 --> 00:25:21,952
- He just does the accent for the tourists.
- Eh, you know.
663
00:25:21,976 --> 00:25:23,680
Take 'em for an arm and a leg.
664
00:25:23,713 --> 00:25:25,282
- [laughter]
- Yeah, man.
665
00:25:25,315 --> 00:25:26,752
Who we got here?
666
00:25:26,785 --> 00:25:28,957
- Der. Ek.
- [Topher] Oh, hey, look at that.
667
00:25:28,990 --> 00:25:30,694
Yeah, he's trying.
668
00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:32,072
It's gonna take him
a couple months
669
00:25:32,096 --> 00:25:33,666
to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.
670
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:35,670
But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.
671
00:25:35,703 --> 00:25:38,142
Hey, Derek. How would
you like to join a gang
672
00:25:38,175 --> 00:25:40,212
of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?
673
00:25:40,245 --> 00:25:41,949
There's always
room for a new friend.
674
00:25:41,982 --> 00:25:44,354
- Friend?
- Yeah. Friend!
675
00:25:44,387 --> 00:25:46,091
High five! [laughs]
676
00:25:46,124 --> 00:25:47,895
Oh, yeah, takes a second.
677
00:25:47,928 --> 00:25:49,297
- Come on, buddy.
- Whoa!
678
00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:51,368
- Easy, Derek.
- [laughs]
679
00:25:51,401 --> 00:25:54,809
Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!
680
00:25:54,842 --> 00:25:56,344
- [zombies cheering]
- [laughter]
681
00:25:56,377 --> 00:25:58,115
Hey, you like
eating human flesh?
682
00:25:58,148 --> 00:26:00,654
- [growls]
- Oh, you will.
683
00:26:00,687 --> 00:26:02,056
Very... cool.
684
00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:04,394
- Bye, Derek.
- [Laszlo] Bye, Derek.
685
00:26:04,427 --> 00:26:06,665
["Infidel Zombie" by
The Dickies playing]
686
00:26:10,105 --> 00:26:12,043
♪ Well, I've been
running for a while ♪
687
00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:16,051
♪ And I know that
the I'm next in line... ♪
688
00:26:16,084 --> 00:26:17,654
Do you take Venmo?
689
00:26:17,687 --> 00:26:20,794
Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.
690
00:26:20,827 --> 00:26:22,063
Or Zelle.
691
00:26:22,096 --> 00:26:24,668
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
692
00:26:24,701 --> 00:26:27,206
♪ And she gets
depressed with duress ♪
693
00:26:27,239 --> 00:26:29,210
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
694
00:26:29,243 --> 00:26:31,883
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
695
00:26:31,916 --> 00:26:34,354
♪ And she gets
depressed with duress ♪
696
00:26:34,387 --> 00:26:36,358
♪ A love that cannot find me ♪
697
00:26:36,391 --> 00:26:38,963
♪ She's an infidel zombie ♪
698
00:26:38,996 --> 00:26:41,401
♪ Let me tell you,
I don't believe it ♪
699
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:44,073
♪ There's a bullet with
my name on it now ♪
700
00:26:44,106 --> 00:26:45,844
♪ I don't believe it ♪
701
00:26:45,877 --> 00:26:47,122
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it ♪
702
00:26:47,146 --> 00:26:49,017
♪ I said I don't believe it ♪
703
00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:51,956
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now. ♪
704
00:26:51,989 --> 00:26:54,193
♪ ♪
705
00:27:07,754 --> 00:27:11,257
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org
51112
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
