All language subtitles for Susan & Alfie

You're lucky, you know.

I rarely allow anyone into my flat.

I know...

Humble digs.

Not exactly what you'd call
a "panty peeler."

Do you know what I mean?

But it suits me just fine.

To be honest, I rarely spend a night
in my own bed anyway.

You see, here's my theory.

For most women,
if a guy's a good provider

and generally a nice chap

six-pack abs
really aren't a deal-breaker.

On the flip side, however,
even though the PC boyfriend

sat next to you with his arm

slung around your shoulder
will deny it...

and he will deny it,
for us boys, it's all about "FBB."

Face. Boobs. Bum.

I'm just being honest.

It's been said that clothes
speak the international language.

And I have to admit,
I'm a bit of a fashion whore.

Unfortunately, today I've got work

and I have to tone it down
a little bit, but that's all right.

Gucci. End-of-summer sale.
Very understated.

And I can easily spice it up with...

What? No.
I know what you're thinking.

If you ooze masculinity,
like some of us do

you have no reason to fear pink.

Smashing.

Now, in the cologne department,
most men overdo it.

Americans practically spray it on
with a crop duster.

My rule, nothing above the neck

though I do like a little splash
on "Big Ben."

You never know
where the day may take you.

Almost forgot.

New word for the day.

Ostentatious...

The attempt to attract attention
to oneself.

Who? Me?

Oh, blimey. I'm so rude.
I haven't introduced myself.

- I'm...
- Alfie?

There you go. Alfie.

Are you the little elf that left
these mocha bonbons on my doorstep?

No... You must have a secret admirer,
Mrs. Schnitman.

You are such a doll, Alfie.
But I'm supposed to be on a diet.

- On a diet?
- A diet.

- You?
- Yeah.

Now, I don't mean to be forward, Lu,
but you should know by now

that a full-figured girl
like yourself

- is every guy's secret fantasy.
- Stop it.

So she's a tub of lard.
The ship's already sailed

so why not make her feel good
about herself, right?

- Lu?
- Yes, angel?

I'm working the night spot
at the moment

and my apartment is a horror show

so I'm sorry if I keep you up
with the dustbusting at 2am.

Don't you worry.
I'll give it a quick straighten.

No... you don't need to that.

Nonsense.
I like doing things for you, Alfie.

I'm a blessed man
having you in my life.

- Thank you.
- Keys are in the usual spot.

Now, back home,
you're always hearing tales

about some bloke
migrating to the States

and winding up with buckets of money.

So not long ago, I packed up
my bucket and headed west.

Now, I must admit,
I had a second motive.

I'd always been told that the most
beautiful women in the world...

resided in Manhattan.

And when it comes to shagging birds

It's all about one thing...

Location...

God, I love this city.

All right, girls.

I mean, just look around.

I mean, every one of them
unique, special, like snowflakes.

And with such a plethora...

Calendar word meaning "abundance,"
of gorgeousness and diversity

well, how could a man ever choose
to settle down with just one?

I myself subscribe more
to the European philosophy of life.

My priorities leaning
towards wine, women...

well, actually, that's about it.

Wine and women.

Although, women and women
is always a fun option.

So... to live life to the fullest

I require only enough
to cover my modest expenses.

I've no desire to be
the richest stiff in the cemetery.

I think this might just be
my favorite position.

I know it was President Kennedy's.

He was such a great leader.

Of course, JFK used
the old "bad back" excuse

but if you ask me

he knew it gave you maximum pleasure
with minimum exertion.

What is it about the back of a limo?

Obligatory cuddling.

Thousand one, thousand two...

Cripes. Hey, I've gotta get cracking.
I've got a ten o'clock pickup.

You better hurry up.
You don't want to keep her waiting.

Quite the number, isn't she?

Yet, she tells me her old man
hasn't shagged her in six months.

Six months.

I mean, thank God
there are gentlemen like me around

to pick up the slack.

Just look at her.
Legs like a racehorse.

Perfect yoga bum.
I give her my highest grade...

A-minus.

Where did we tell the old man
we were going tonight?

A movie.

Treasure, please, no...

Stop messing about.
You'll ruin my presets.

Sorry.

What movie?

I don't know. What's the difference?

The difference is,
the more detail you give

the less interested he'll be.

It wouldn't matter what I said.

It would never occur to Phil
that another man

would ever look twice at me.

Dor, darling,
you fishing for a compliment?

No.

You should know by now

they only come from me
when least expected.

Now, come and have a mint
so Phil doesn't smell

the Alfie on your breath.

I don't care if he does.

There's one thing
that puts me off marriage.

It's married women.

Dorie doesn't know it yet

but you won't be seeing
much more of her.

I've got that
all-too-familiar feeling.

Sooner or later

she'll be wanting a little bit more
than I'm able to give.

Wouldn't it be great
if I was going home with you tonight

instead of Phil the Pill?

Yeah.

It's definitely time
to stage a disappearing act.

So next Tuesday,
same time, same place?

I'm sorry, love, it's Fashion Week.
I'm booked double shifts.

I'll call you
the instant things let up.

Okay.

In the meantime, I left you
a little souvenir to remember me by.

Oh, Dor?

Your derrière looks really rather
ravishing from this vantage point.

See?

A compliment when least expected.

What can I say?
Happy as a pup with two tails.

- Hi.
- Hey, baby.

And I think I've done old Phil
a bit of a favor too.

Of course,
he'd be the last to see it.

Never expect any thanks in this life.

You know what I mean?

So, Tuesday...

10.03pm.

Do I drag myself home
to a cold flat, empty fridge

or nip across town for a hot bath

warm body, breakfast in bed?

Decisions...

Yeah, I think I'll pay a visit
to my semi-regular

quasi, sort of girlfriend.

My sweet Julie.

Let me guess.
Unexpected last-minute fare.

Yeah. She had me going
up and down for hours.

That supposed to be funny?
Because it is so very...

not.

Hey!

I'm not kidding, Alfie!

I'm not kidding.
I hate you sometimes.

You have a very ostentatious way
of showing it.

Yeah, I sure do.

No, darling. Can we hit pause?

I just need a second to unwind.

I nicked half a bottle of Stoli
from the limo.

How do you want yours, on the rocks?

I just want my usual, Alfie.
Straight up.

No, I'm so totally knackered.

I'll make it up to you
in the morning.

Cross my heart.

But tonight,
all I'm good for is a bite to eat

hot bath, and a nice long sleep.

You know,
this isn't a Holiday Inn, Alfie.

What's that again?

Where were you tonight? Really?

You've got to open a restaurant.
That's seriously delicious.

Thanks, Alfie. It's just chili.

Hey.

A little eye contact, please.

We have something here

or am I just a glorified booty call?

Hey.

Hey.

Here's what she's really saying.

She wants me to commit.
Translation? Become "domestified."

Now, it doesn't do to become
dependent on anybody in this life.

Change your nature,
you're a dead man.

Chili, please.

Don't get me wrong. She's adorable.

Cute? Absolutely.
But is it ever enough?

I told you how we men are.
We want showstoppers.

And the problem is,
Julie hasn't got enough

of the superficial things
that really matter.

- I don't deserve you.
- Yeah, that's probably true.

Too bad I love you.

Thanks, babe.

- Alfie...
- What?

Alfie.

You're giving me the "Thanks, babe."
You're giving me the "Thanks, baby."

- Calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down!

- I know how you feel!
- Wait a minute.

- You're gonna wake up...
- Max.

Hey, little man. Did we wake you up?

Yes.

Now, lads, learn from my mistake.

Never get involved with a single mum.

See, they come with accessories,
some of which can be...

unfortunately, irresistible.

Sights like that make you realize
we all have an expiration date.

And women do have a shorter
shelf life than men, don't they?

I think that's what Julie
was banging on about yesterday.

Elegant Limousine and Chauffeur.

This is where I make
my reasonably honest living.

Standards of elegance has taken
quite a pounding, wouldn't you say?

I know. Believe me,
it's merely a stepping stone.

Currently parked on one of those
stepping stones is my best mate

and future business partner, Marlon.

Black. Like Lonette's skin...

which I will never again touch.

I'm afraid you're not meeting my man
on top form.

See, Marlon's got a problem.

It's called Lonette.

And very recently, it dumped him.

Oh, dear.
Come on, what was it this time?

Three-a.m. begging, at her front
door.

- Level of inebriation?
- Vomiting.

Right. So let me get this straight.

You were at her front door,
3am in the morning

begging and vomiting?

And what, she wasn't charmed by that?

Alfie?

Why is there no Stoli
in car number two?

I've no idea.

I gotta watch this guy like a hawk.

That little chap's name is Wing.

My boss and owner
of this tragic enterprise.

- Wipe that car good.
- Owner, that is, till me and Marlon

swing a loan and buy it out
from underneath his scrawny...

Hello. You miss bird shit.

Wing.

He's barking mad.

Check out the way he talks
to the little woman.

She's given him her best years,
cooked his chop suey

helped with the business,
and I bet at one time

he couldn't wait
to rip off her kimono.

And now look at him.

And I'm supposed to respect
the institution of marriage?

That's a great figure, man.

We swing that loan, cash your IRA,
I hock my Vespa...

We're gonna take Wing by surprise
with an offer like this.

I could've predicted this.

See, Marlon and Lonette
have reached that critical 18-month

"Where are we going, what are we
doing, what's happening here"

crisis point that rears
its ugly head in every relationship.

Lonette wanted ring, home, baby.

Marlon wanted another 18 months

to make sure nothing better
was coming his way.

I fucked up egregiously.

I see you're making the most
of that birthday calendar.

By the time he realized
he'd made a mistake

and he wanted her back...

it was too late.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

Carol.

- Carol. Hi, Carol.
- Hi.

Hi. You look wonderful.

So, Carol,
well, it's nice to see you again.

You be well.

What's up with that?

Put it this way, the show closed
after one performance only.

- Do I even wanna know why?
- No.

Come on, it would be
less than discreet to tell you why.

Hair on the arms. Seriously.

Long, thick...

What are you talking about?
You don't have hair on your arms?

You're looking very lovely tonight.

Thank you.

Dude, the iron door
has slammed shut, man.

Classic, isn't it?

Now that he can't have her,
he thinks he can't live without her.

Some people are funny.

Marlon's predicament got me
thinking about my own situation.

Maybe it was time
to stoke the home fires.

Anybody in the mood
for a little Alfie, straight up?

This isn't a good time, Alfie.

Got a lot on my mind.

Oh, God. Yeah, I really hate
when that happens.

Open up, baby.

You look seriously beautiful.

- Not tonight, Alfred.
- What's the matter? Tell me.

- I don't... I'm just...
- What?

Well, I guess I'm just...

I'm just... seeing red.

I mean, the poor guy, he's dying.

Come on, haven't you?
You've tortured him long enough.

Alfie, he should've thought
about all that

before he was screwing around
with that ex-girlfriend of his.

Those fake-ass, five-dollar titties.

- Those are fake?
- Hello?

I'm devastated. They've got, like...

Alfie, you're supposed to be
consoling my devastation, remember?

Yeah, I am.
Look, he came back, didn't he?

Begging, crawling on his knees,
vomiting...

I don't care.
I'm sorry, I'm not that easy.

I don't forgive
and I definitely do not forget.

- Is okay if I leave now, miss?
- Sí, Felix.

And hit the lights
on your way out, por favor.

I better go.

It's really coming down out there.

Yeah.

And I'm wearing suede.

You're telling the truth.
That's brilliant.

Okay. I got one.
I never swam in the Pacific Ocean.

- Me neither.
- Oh, shit. Okay.

Okay.

I've never seen a James Bond movie.

You're joking.
Not even a Sean Connery?

You serious?

Wow, I don't know
if that's magic or tragic.

Okay. Five ball. My go.

- I've never made my own bed.
- Oh, bullshit.

No, I repeat,
I've never made my own bed.

Well, what kind of mama you got?

That's a good question.

Let's see. All right.

- I got something for you.
- All right.

I've never had sex...

I've never had sex
with two people in one night.

Six-five, your favor.

Gotcha.

So, Alfie, what's the most
you've had in one night?

We've stopped playing the game,
haven't we?

Am I wrong, or is there a little
innocent flirting going on here?

Driftin' on a memory

Ain't no place I'd rather be
Than with you

Loving you

See, if I had that kind of talent...

And a song...

Go on, finish your sentence.

If I had that kind of talent,
and I looked like you...

And a song...

...I would be strutting my stuff...

- Oh, yeah?
- ...on a stage.

Trust me, what happens next
was the furthest thing from my mind

when I dropped by tonight.

But then I thought to myself,
"You know what?

If this will help her
get past her anger towards Marlon

I owe it to both of them,
as a friend, right?

To do whatever I can to help."

I find that, lately

even lying to myself comes easily.

The next morning

and I can't get last night
out of my mind.

So, Alfie,
what's the most you've had...

Try desperately to focus
on something else, anything else.

Anything to get my mind off
my best friend's incredibly hot

best-ass-I've-ever-seen-in-my-life
girlfriend.

Alfie.

- Alfie...
- Shall I pretend I can't hear him?

Dude.

- Hey!
- Too late...

- Dude, would you slow down?
- Hey, Marly, what's up?

"Marly"?

Hey, listen, I gotta talk to you.

You know what,
you ain't going nowhere

till you tell me
what went down last night.

- Down last night?
- Dude, don't mess with me.

What happened with Lonette?

Have you ever heard the word "knock"?

- What went down?
- What? Nothing happened.

- We had a few shots.
- Missus give me silent treatment.

Little she know, not hearing
constant "blah, blah, blah"

is gift from heaven.

You keep it up.
Keep it up, mate, it'll work.

Alfie, what happened?

Fuck a duck, man. Look, I...

- I drank a lot last night.
- Drunk.

Well, I...

I really... I don't remember.

- Dude, you did something to her.
- No.

Yeah, you did.
Because she shows up at my house

at four in the morning,
saying that she wanted me back.

She even said that
if I needed more time

that she understood completely.

How fucking crazy.

Chalk one up for the blokes.

Thanks to me, Marlon won the game.

Which means he's off scot-free,
and so am I.

This is a bloody miracle.
That's fantastic. Fantastic.

Come on, what did you say to her?
Come on.

- Look... It's all good.
- Come on, what did you say?

I asked her to marry me.

You know you're my best man, right?

Moral of the story?

No good deed goes unpunished.

New word for the day?

Resilience.

The ability to readily recover
after disappointment or loss.

Capacity to spring back.

Understand,
it's not about replacing Julie.

I just wanna get back
to the simple life.

Women who mean nothing to me.

So I've struck up a friendship
with a nightclub hostess called Uta.

Hello, Uta.

Now, as a heat-seeking bachelor

I have to live
by some very simple rules.

Alfie Elkins' credo or philosophy,
which is probably best summed up

by the only advice
my father ever gave me.

He said, "Son, whenever you meet
a beautiful woman...

just remember, somewhere there's
a bloke who's sick of shagging her."

- Can I help you, man?
- G and T, please.

Explain to me what everyone sees
in that Eurotrash.

I think it's incredibly unfair
that it's acceptable for men

to be sexually experimental,
than with a woman

if she wants to try something...

a kiss or a threesome.

You know, that they'd be judged.
I wouldn't judge them.

And I think if you two
were to kiss, I would...

I would just see it
as a thing of beauty.

Although I'm living every guy's
Rat Pack fantasy

something feels a bit off.

And throwing myself back
into the old lifestyle

isn't going quite as smoothly
as I'd hoped.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

You carry on without me.

Oh, my loves, I...

I don't know what happened.
This is so unlike me.

Yeah, you... you two just...

I used to think there was nothing
worse than death.

Then, from out of nowhere...

the unthinkable.

Now, I really don't get
what everyone sees in you.

It just keeps on happening
and happening.

Or more accurately,
not happening and not happening.

This never happens, Uta.
Honestly, never.

Honestly.

Not the word around town.

"Peewee."

- Mr. Elkins?
- Yes.

Miranda Kulp.

Miranda.

The penis doctor is a he
with a little bit of she thrown in.

So I understand you're experiencing
some erectile dysfunction.

I am experiencing a little...
a little bit of...

What you just said.

Not to worry.
That's my area of expertise.

So have you been under any unusual
emotional stress lately, Mr. Elkins?

Stress? Emotional? Me? No, never.

Well, unless you count...
that recent chat I had with Julie.

I can't see you anymore, Alfie.

- Why? You angry?
- No, I'm really not angry.

Just, you know,
we want different things.

And I can't have you traipsing
in and out of Max's life.

You've changed your hair,
haven't you?

- You have, haven't you?
- Yeah.

No, you have.
You've changed your hairdo.

You cut it? It looks gorgeous.

- Thanks.
- How come...

How come you never...
had it like that

when... we were together?

I really gotta go.

Well, I guess you need these back.

Thank you.

Alfie?

You gonna be okay?

Yeah. No worries. I'm always okay.

All righty, let's take a gander
at that penis of yours.

I see.

- Hello.
- Well.

- It seems we have lift-off.
- It seems we do.

Wunderschön.

What a relief.

Well, I mean,
if he can give me a stiffy

I should have no problem
keeping it up

for the target demographic,
shouldn't I?

Well, there doesn't appear to be
anything physiologically wrong.

- No.
- So, in short

we can be fairly certain your problem
was simply stress-related.

Translation, Julie-related.

Like I always say,
if they don't get you one way

they'll get you another.

However...

I did feel something a little kooky.

Kooky?

There is nothing to get upset about,
Mr. Elkins.

I thought I felt a lump...

on your penis.

But with any luck,
it will be nothing.

The words "lump" and "penis"
in the same sentence.

There's something
you don't hear every day.

And so young Alfred
got an early Yuletide gift.

A penis biopsy.

I get my test results
in three days...

Well, five.
Five counting the weekend.

Oh, Lord...

How am I gonna stop myself
going completely bonkers?

I'll be fine...

I'm a young man.

Shift focus, Alfie. Shift...

Let's go, kids. Let's go.

Move along, children.
Look straight ahead.

Come on. Do not look at the man.
Look straight ahead.

In the meantime,
perhaps I'm safer hobbling on home.

Alfie, dear, what's wrong?

- You look like death warmed over.
- No, I've just...

I've got a bit of a football injury,
that's all, Mrs. Schnitman.

- Hello, Mrs. Liberman.
- Hello.

You two look lovely. Where you going?

- Shopping. You need anything?
- I'm fine.

Hello.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Ladies, this is my friend Lonette.

She's lovely. Good for you,
dating an African-American.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, girl. I missed you.

Don't mind us. We're not here.
You kids keep talking.

- Very nice to meet you.
- See you, Mrs. Liberman.

Shop till you drop, girls.

So how... have you been?

I'm pregnant.

It seems to me

the problems
you worry yourself sick about

never seem to materialize.

It's the ones that catch
you unexpectedly

on a Wednesday afternoon
that knock you sideways.

I offered
to face the music with her...

but she wanted to go it alone.

We both knew
that if the baby was born

with any white-boy features

it would mean the end
of Lonette and Marlon.

Not to mention,
your host for this evening.

But standing in the cold,
I find myself having regrets.

Thinking thoughts like

"Here's another kid you'll never get
a chance to know. Your own."

Didn't take long.

Bloody hell, you're freezing.

How do you feel?

Empty.

That night in the bar

I thought I was getting something
for nothing.

Doesn't seem to have worked out
that way, does it?

Good morning, Dr. Kulp's office...

Oh, man. If everything turns out okay

maybe this little brush
with mortality is a sign.

I should think about making
some changes.

Possibly.

- Next week.
- Excuse me. Did I just...

Did you just look at me?
Did I just notice you turn away?

Look, if you know the results
to my tests

and they're telling you...

- Mr. Elkins.
- Please...

- Mr. Elkins.
- Yes.

For the millionth time, sit down.

Mr. Belson, I have a cancellation
on Tuesday at 11.30.

I'm gonna be fine.

Would you like me
to slot you in, then?

- I just feel it.
- Thank you. Goodbye.

I'll just be a minute. Or ten.

- It's all right. Take your time.
- I don't have a choice.

I used to pee. Now, I trickle.

- I'm Joe. What's your name?
- Alfie.

So how you doing, Alfie?

- Hanging in. You?
- Shitty.

Yeah, me too...

- I like the bolo tie.
- Thanks. I have a collection.

You know, when you're old,
you learn to be patient.

Yeah. Used to be
I never had time for nothing.

Go...

- I know that feeling.
- Yeah.

My wife was always hawking me
to take a little vacation.

Hawaii. Reno.

I always said,
"Next year, Evie, next year.

I got too much on my platter."

I always thought I'd have more time.

Then one Sunday night

she takes the pot roast
out of the oven.

Yells, "Soup's on,"
and slumps to the kitchen floor.

Just like that.

Dead as disco.

Jesus, I'm sorry.

I tried picking up the pieces.

Even went to Waikiki alone
on the eight-day cruise package

she was always yakking about.

Couldn't get Evie out of my mind.

There's two things
I learned in life, kid.

You find someone to love

and live every day
as though it were your last.

She's all yours, Alfie. Enjoy.

You all right, son?

Yeah. I hope so.

Look, if you ever get bored
or feel like schmoozing...

give me a holler.

- You'll never call.
- Maybe I will.

All right, good.

We'll go to a bar together,
hit on some chicks.

Damn right. Thanks, Joe.

Hey.

I'm... sorry about Evie.

We...

we weren't all that fond
of each other...

but we were... very close.

If you know what I mean.

I think I do.

I've been thinking a lot lately
about God and death.

And how, if what they taught me
in Bible class is true

I'm really in for it.

But I won't be partying with Lucifer
any time soon

because my test results
were negative.

I'm gonna live...

I ruined my Prada lace-ups
and I don't care.

Don't think I've forgotten my oath
to completely change my life

because I haven't.

Carrot-apple
with a dash of wheatgrass.

Yep.

Health is now priority number one.

Business plan moves
onto the fast track.

If you say so...

Tonight's preview at St. Ambrose...

No, I definitely don't want to talk.
Okay, hold on, what else have I got?

Okay, yeah.

All right, if we must,
we must, but...

New slate. New beginning.

- What's your name, driver?
- Alfie, sir.

Wait here, Alfie.

Do you know how long
you're gonna be, roughly?

You got someplace to go?

No, I was just gonna nip off
and get a cup of tea.

Look, why don't you just stay put?

Yea or nay?

A definite "yea," I think.

Really. Stunning.
Wouldn't you say so, sir?

I'm sorry, didn't I ask you
to wait by the car?

I reckoned I should help the lady
with her packages.

Definite yea?

I think.

With one minor...

- May I?
- You may.

Adjustment.

Bullfighter. Another lifetime.

Don't ask.

Fifty, if she's a day.

But don't they say 50 is the new 40,
and is she not living proof?

I mean, have a look.
Beautifully preserved.

And cleavage like the Holland Tunnel.

- Better?
- Much.

You are so right to trust Chanel.

A pair of hot-pink stilettos,
and you're good to go.

- Well, aren't you Mr. Full Service?
- We try.

He's getting a little pissy,
isn't he?

It's fine. It's good for him.

Is your husband a lot older than you?

He's not my husband.

He's wearing a wedding ring.

Well, I never said he wasn't
somebody else's husband.

- Grab the stuff from the trunk?
- You got it.

Cheers.

Ma'am, if you require my services
in the future.

Happy Christmas, sir. Ma'am.

Now that, my friends,
is a real woman.

Smart and sexy and...

You noticed the little flirt
going on between us?

Makes me think, if a woman like that

of that caliber, should take notice
of a bloke like me, then...

perhaps...

Perhaps, I'm selling myself
a bit short.

In a flash,
I have my New Year's resolution.

Aim higher.

Catastrophic. Doomed.

Desolate. Cataclysmic.

Bought him a word-of-the-day
calendar for Christmas.

Big mistake.

Holiday season,
busiest time of the year.

I try to run a business.

- What's the problem, Mr. Wing?
- Your soul brother. He quit.

In the letter Marlon left me,
he called me his best friend...

but apologized for bailing
on our business scheme.

He said his whole thing now
was to make Lonette happy.

They decided

on the spur of the moment,
to move upstate

and I had a standing invite
to drop by any time.

Somehow Lonette convinced Marlon
it would be too painful

to say our goodbyes in person.

And to make matters worse

it all dovetails into the second
loneliest night of the year

Christmas Eve.

A night that brings on
all those familiar festive feelings

of hopelessness, anguish, despair.

Not a great time to be flying solo.

That's why I'm of the belief
couples should never split up

between Thanksgiving and January 2nd.

Always have a relationship
to see you through the holidays.

Always.

The downside, of course, being gifts.

Personally, I've always suspected
that everyone else

is having a far merrier Christmas
than I am.

Not that I've ever actually
had a Christmas.

That's a whole other Dickens story.

Taxi.

Taxi!

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, mate

it's against the law
for me to carry any more than...

Thank the Lord.

A Christmas miracle.

All right, hop in.

Thanks for saving us.

- I was freezing my little tush off.
- No worries.

You know, it's gonna be...
it's pretty full back there.

- Why don't you...
- Good idea. Why don't I?

Hey, watch the champagne.

All in.

They don't get out much.

You wanna watch out, you guys.

You'll end up with a lump of coal
in your stocking.

You're English. I love English.

- What's your name?
- Alfie.

You wanna abuse
a little substance, Alfie?

No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.

All right. One hit.

- Merry Christmastime
- Merry Christmastime

There's an expression the Yanks use,
"Go with the flow."

So, yeah, I got a dose
of the holiday blues.

But when a girl
of this mind-blowing caliber

invites you to a party

it's time to get going
and start flowing.

Maybe it's the late hour.

Maybe it's the heavily spiked eggnog.

I don't see why...

Maybe it was simply
a mutual desperate desire

to have ourselves
a merry little Christmas.

Whatever the reason

hooking up has never gone
more swimmingly

and I find myself saying something
highly out of character.

I'm renovating my apartment
on the Upper West Side.

But, say, you could...

crash at my sublet, if you want.

See you through the holidays.

That sounds inviting.

And so it came to pass,
that after all those years

little Alfred finally got
what he wanted for Christmas.

The 12 days of Christmas
were flying by

at a surrealistic pace.

Yeah, it's been quite the ride.

The package was irresistible.

A showstopper with
a new-school brand of sexiness.

Who wouldn't get off on the way
she makes heads turn?

Plus, we have so much in common.

She's sweet

and fun, original, exciting,
full of surprises.

And did I mention,
she makes a cracking good bed?

I began to wonder

could this be the one...

who finally holds my attention?

- Three, two, one!
- Three, two, one!

- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year!

In every doomed relationship,
there comes what I like to call

the "uh-oh moment."

When a certain little
something happens

and you know you've just witnessed
the beginning of the end.

And suddenly,
you stop and you think...

"Uh-oh, iceberg ahead."

Yeah.

With Nikki,
that was the first of many...

"uh-oh moments."

It began with petty arguments.

Followed by random bouts
of melancholia.

Major highs and manic lows.

This girl never knows
when she's had one too many.

And there had been constant displays
of erratic, reckless behavior.

And thank you, no.
No, I did not have insurance.

But whenever I begin to feel
there's little reason to go on

I'm reminded that we still have one
very major thing in common.

If only she didn't insist on smoking
before, after and during.

What time are you gonna
be home, honey?

Hear that? "What time are you
gonna be home, honey?"

That's dangerously close
to wife-speak to me.

Because I'm making something
really special for din-din.

"Din-din"?

I'll call later.

Listen, are you sure you don't think
that color's a little bit intense?

I think you're a little bit intense.

Careful, because you've got paint
all over your hands.

I mean...

Plus, you're wearing my favorite
shirt to paint the house in, Nik.

Don't...

Sorry, baby.

I gotta run. No, I've gotta run.

I bet that I can make it
worth your while to stay.

I'm sure you can.

But you know what?
I've got that meeting.

- Haven't I?
- Yeah.

You know you're in trouble
when a sight like that

can't keep you planted.

When I was a boy
at St. Alban's Secondary School

the school took us
on this cultural trip

to observe art at one of the...

One of those big famous
London museums.

Anyway, when I was there

I came across this statue
of a Greek goddess in marble.

Aphrodi... Aphrodite,
something like that.

Beautiful, she was.

Perfect female form.

Chiseled features. Exquisite.

I stood in awe of her.

Finally, the teacher
calls us all over

and I'm walking past it

and on the way, I notice,
in the side of this Greek goddess

all these cracks, chips,
imperfections.

Ruined her for me.

Well, that's Nikki.

A beautiful sculpture...

damaged...

in a way you don't notice
till you get too close.

I lost the signal for a second there.

But, I don't know.

It's just a lot of personal stuff
going on.

You know what I mean?

- I know.
- Welcome, Mr. Alfie.

Good to see you, Elvis.

Look, I hope you don't mind me
rambling on.

- Enjoy your evening, sir.
- Thank you.

As you can see,
the lad's moving up in the world.

It's just that I've got this friend
who's, let's say

outstayed his welcome.

Absolutely right.

It's a lot tougher getting them out
than getting them in. I like that.

You'll never guess
who I'm dropping in on now.

I wouldn't have believed it myself
a couple of weeks ago.

Why don't you just try being honest

and tell your friend that the hotel
is under new management

and that they have to vacate
the premises? You know what I mean.

That kimono does wonders
for your décolletage.

- Big word.
- Big décolletage.

Why don't we have a drink

and you can tell me
the rest of your troubles?

Instead of me listening to hers.
That's a change.

You know, for someone so very young,
you're terribly wise.

Secret admirer?

One of many.

You would never think of bringing
a girl flowers, would you, Alfie?

- It would only encourage them.
- I'm gonna make us that drink.

What's your poison, sweetheart?

I'll have a spot of whiskey, please.
Midleton Rare, if you've got it.

I like dropping a fancy brand name
in now and again

let her know she ain't
the only one been around.

Why not make this
an absinthe afternoon?

Brilliant.

- No idea what she's talking about.
- You've had absinthe?

Not recently, no.
Remind me, what is it again?

"The Green Fairy."

The French impressionists'
liquid drug of choice.

And I got you some of those little
egg thingies you like so much.

I mention I like something once,
next thing I know

I get it on a silver platter.

Perfect, huh?

Kind of pad I plan
to earn myself one day.

Understated elegance
with just a touch of the trendy.

She's a regular fashionista.

You don't have to tell this one
which slingbacks go

with which frock.

Owns her own cosmetics company.

Empire, actually.

Started out doing facials
in a fancy salon.

Took a handful of mud,
mixed it with a dash of papaya

put it on the market, and bingo!

All this.

This stuff is so illegal.

I smuggled a whole batch of it
back from Prague

in Listerine bottles.

I checked out your business plan.

- And?
- I'm impressed.

- You seem surprised.
- Not at all.

Because underneath all that bravado
beats the heart of a guy

who's a lot smarter
than he thinks he is

but not nearly as cocky as he'd like
everybody else to believe.

What are we...

what exactly are we basing this on?

This insight into my personality?

That it takes one to know one.

What?

I was just wondering

if there's a clever
little tattoo artist out there

who could change
"Pablo" into "Alfie."

Here's to clever
little tattoo artists.

Jesus.

It made me feel all warm going down.

That's my job.

You know what they say.

What do they say?

"Absinthe makes
the heart grow fonder."

Oh, great.

Check this out.

Have a look at the size of this tub.

She's had two husbands, both croaked

and I have a feeling
this was the scene of the crime.

Come on, baby, let's get wet.

If she keeps this up

we're gonna be updating
that tattoo of hers

a lot sooner than she thinks.

Remember how little Alfred
finally got

what he wanted for Christmas?

Be careful what you wish for.

There's something else.

Hey.

Dozed off?

Yeah.

I tried waiting up for you.

God. Your meeting ran late?

Very. I'm knackered. And wet.

But...

I do want us to have
a little chat, Nikki.

Okay.

Sure.

Why don't we talk
over a midnight snack?

I made roast beef
and Yorkshire pudding.

That was your favorite
as a young lad, right?

And check the place out,
if you please.

Your little girl
worked her fanny off.

I noticed. It looks brilliant.

Really smashing.

- So, Nik...
- Alfie, I've been thinking.

Will you look at these cute
little potatoes?

Okay. I know I have been
a real handful lately.

I don't know, I think it has to do
a lot with me feeling displaced...

and not totally trusting.

Sweetie, cutting to the chase.

I am gonna do better.

I promise.

I am gonna take my medication
religiously from now on.

And everything...

everything is gonna be easy
and breezy.

Sound good? Honey?

So come and sit. A feast awaits.

I already ate, Nik.

Of course.
No worries, we'll have leftovers.

I can whip up a little
corned beef hash for brunch.

What's the matter, Alfie?

Nothing. I just...

I've got a lot on my mind and...

- I'm feeling a bit...
- What?

Cold? Distant? Remote? What?

Nik, this is a complete drag.

Everything happened so quickly.

I'm not the best
at this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

I don't know exactly how to say it.

Sure you do, Alfie.

You've had plenty of experience
dumping girls.

Don't worry.

I'm already gone.

Strange.

But even when you know
it has to end...

when it finally does...

you always get
that inevitable twinge...

"Have I done the right thing?"

I must admit...

I do miss the companionship.

Nikki was a showstopper.

But as me ugly old Aunt Gladys
used to say

"Looks aren't everything."

I used to think that was
a load of bollocks, but...

just lately I've been thinking...

maybe the old bat had something.

Julie?

Alfie, hi.

What a surprise.

God, I haven't seen you since...

Yeah.

You look... you look amazing.

Thanks. You too. You look good too.

Yeah. I'm getting over a cold.

- But you're okay otherwise?
- I'm fine. I'm always fine.

Yeah.

It's good to see you.

And you.

Hey, you know, I was...

I'm sorry about what happened
between us.

And I'm sorry how it all ended up.

It wasn't... it wasn't good.

I felt bad about not seeing Max
and about not seeing you.

- It's water under the bridge.
- Good.

You know...

I'm wondering.

Maybe we...

You know I can never
promise anything.

But if you want, if you like,
maybe we could see each other again.

It would be okay by me.

It would be more than okay,
it would be... it would be great.

- Alfie, I...
- Yeah?

This is Adam.

Hey, how are you?

- Hey, how you doing, Adam?
- Pretty good.

- Adam.
- Yeah.

It was great running into you.

You look fantastic.

Thanks.

What time is it? I've gotta go.

I'm late for a meeting.
Nice to meet you, Adam.

Julie?

How's Max?

Really good.

- Will you say hi?
- Sure.

Or not.

Be well.

Hello.

Hello.

Mrs. Wing, is everything...

Wing.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying. Get out.

- You sure?
- I'm fine. Get out, Alfie.

I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to see
if I could borrow a car.

She leave me.

Sorry?

- Blossom leave me.
- Blossom?

Is that your wife's name, Blossom?

What I do wrong, Alfie? Love her?

Hey, look, mate.

Come on, you can win her back.
Woo her.

Send flowers and chocolates.
Write a poem.

That what you do?

Well, actually, no,
I've never done that

but it... may be a way to go.

What rhyme with Blossom?

I would try... "awesome."

Okay.

You never cease to amaze.

Hey.

Great to see you too, Lon.

I guess I should have rung.

Hey, Sam.

Well, that would have been a plan.

Well, you know, I'm sorry,
it was just...

It's nice.

Look, Lonette...

This is so uncomfortable, I know.

- Because...
- You don't have to whisper.

Marlon's not here.

I really miss you both.

And I just wondered, maybe...

Maybe me and you
could put it all behind us

pretend like it never happened,
and then move forward, you know?

I just...

You know, Alfie...

dropping by wasn't a good idea.

You two didn't have a baby.

You did have a baby.

No, you were right the first time.

Thinking back to that day
at the clinic

I remember trying to look
in Lon's eyes to see

if I could even begin to understand
what she was going through

and how she wouldn't look at me.

And I think I knew then.

I just didn't want
to admit it to myself.

So classically...

I said nothing.

I knew there was a good chance
the baby could be Marlon's.

At least, I hoped.

This is a lot...

for me too, Lon.

Marlon stayed.

For now.

Is there anything I can do?

What are you gonna do, Alfie?

Hey.

You know, I never...

- I never meant...
- You never mean to hurt anybody.

But you do, Alfie.

I felt I needed a friend to talk to.

Problem was,
they were suddenly in short supply.

And I don't... I don't remember
being in the car.

I just... I was stopped.

And I'm crying.

- Crying for the little one?
- I don't know exactly.

Maybe for him.

Mostly, I think, for me.

And Marlon.

I never had anybody look at me
quite like that before.

And believe me,
I've had some looks that could kill.

He stood by Lonette.
I could've never, ever...

You don't know what you'll do
till you really love someone.

Well, now what?

You gonna shoehorn yourself
into the situation?

No.

You did the only thing you could do.
You behaved like a gentleman.

I've never been accused
of that before.

Don't get all choked up.

You also behaved like a scheming,
backstabbing

so-low-you-can-look-up-
a-snake's-asshole son of a bitch.

Next time, think before unzipping.

It's all right. You screwed up.

So, what are you gonna do?

Run to the bridge?

The question is...

what's gonna happen
with the rest of your life?

I'd be lying if I didn't admit
the events of the past few weeks

have knocked me for a bit of a loop.

All right...

Hello, mate.

And what can we do
for you this evening?

- How much are one of those?
- Five-fifty.

And you'll need to put them
in water immediately.

Right, I'll have that.

Second thought.

Actually, this is...
this is sort of a special thing.

- What's the occasion?
- Say again?

Proposal?

No...

Well, I do want to extend an offer
to maybe have a go at it for a bit

give us a spin, that kind of thing.

I get it. Commitment issues.

Tell me what she, or he, is like

and we'll find the appropriate bloom.

Well, she is...

You know what, she's adventurous.

- Frivole.
- And very sexy.

I'm thinking Dolce Vita.

A little mischievous.
You know, cheeky?

Avalanche, with a touch of mi amore.

And then under it all, she's just...

She's just kind of... sweet.

Liz?

Hello?

It's me, my love.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I didn't expect to see you tonight.

I thought you were working.

I had a cancellation,
so I took the night off.

Listen, I thought we should
get up early

get out of the city,
go to the country

and see if we can stay at
that B and B you're always on about.

Honey, I'd love to, but I can't.

I have an investors' breakfast
in the morning.

- How about on the weekend?
- Brilliant.

- Yeah.
- Better.

All right. I thought you may...

Oh, my God.

No. Alfie.

- What a sweet gesture.
- Milady.

They're not out
of some plastic bucket.

- No.
- I handpicked, like, every bud.

I can see that.

And apparently, I have a bit
of a flair for flower arranging.

I'm impressed.

- Talk about being blown away.
- Good. Mission accomplished.

I like surprising you.

Well, you certainly have done that.

All right, then.

Well, you're up early, so I'm off.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna see you
tomorrow night? All right?

Yeah.

When we speak, there's some things...

well, some thing
I really wanna talk to you about.

What, honey?

I'm gonna wait
for the exact perfect moment

and that's all I'll say.

I'll ring you in the morning.

And, Alfie,
thank you for the flowers. Really.

- They made my evening.
- Really?

In that case, maybe I'll stay.

I don't...

No, it's not a good idea.

There's a guy in there, isn't there?

God...

Go.

Don't do this.

What's he got?

Better than me?

Alfie, please.

Tell me. Please?

Really, I would like to know.
What's he got? Tell me.

I want to know what he's got.
Please tell me.

Come on...

Come on, just tell me.
Just tell me, come on.

What's he got better than me?

He's younger than you.

"He's younger than you."

I've gotta admit,
I didn't see it coming.

She caught me off-guard, all right.

You couldn't tell, though, could you?

As you've learned by now

I'm rather skilled
at hiding my feelings.

You see, the thing with feelings
is they have this quiet way

of sneaking up on you
when you least expect it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like with Liz.

Who would've thought,
of all the women I've known...

the one I let my guard down with
delivers the knockout punch.

Ironic.

Calendar word.

Dorie.

- Hi.
- Hello, Alfie.

- I haven't seen you in ages.
- Maybe because you stopped calling.

I know.
Things were getting a bit too...

Don't bother explaining.
I'm way past needing excuses.

All right.

No, you know what? I want to explain.

What? You had your fill of me?

Someone cuter came along?
I don't need to hear it, Alfie.

- Look, Dorie...
- Really.

Look, Dorie...

What happens with me is...

I don't know, I get...
when it gets too...

not close, but something like that,
I start to feel...

not stifled, not trapped

but something like that.

And I... and...

You know? You know what I mean?

Did that make...
did that make any sense?

I think it has to make sense to you
more than me at this point.

Yeah, fair enough.

I need to go.
He'll be waiting for me.

Dorie.

I'm sorry.

Good luck, Alfie.

I warned them all from the beginning.

I always said something
along the lines of

"I must advise you

I am stamped
with an invisible warning.

I will not commit.
I will never marry."

Despite my best efforts

I'm beginning to feel
some small cracks

in my faux finish.

You know, when I look back
on my little life

and all the women I've known...

I can't help but think about...

all that they've done for me.

And how little I've done for them.

How they looked after me,
cared for me...

and I repaid them
by never returning the favor.

Yeah.

I used to think I had
the best end of the deal.

What have I got?

Really?

Some money in my pocket.
Some nice threads.

Fancy car at my disposal.
And I'm single.

Yeah.

Unattached. Free as a bird.

I don't depend on nobody.

Nobody depends on me.

My life's my own.

But I don't have peace of mind.

And if you don't have that,
you've got nothing.

So...

So, what's the answer?
That's what I keep asking myself.

What's it all about?

You know what I mean?

Translator: IYUNO