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1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,015
Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
2
00:00:05,035 --> 00:00:06,601
So, he's still alive...
3
00:00:06,637 --> 00:00:09,171
Must mean you haven't told
Mom you're pregnant yet.
4
00:00:09,206 --> 00:00:11,773
We want to be careful to do it right.
5
00:00:11,809 --> 00:00:13,275
Now you're being careful?
6
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:14,843
I can't keep this secret anymore.
7
00:00:14,878 --> 00:00:15,844
Look at me!
8
00:00:16,595 --> 00:00:17,646
Ugh. She's going gray.
9
00:00:17,681 --> 00:00:19,181
Oh my God, she is!
10
00:00:19,216 --> 00:00:20,715
I was just gasping at the haircut.
11
00:00:20,751 --> 00:00:24,453
Apparently, this is what
happens when I feel stress now.
12
00:00:24,488 --> 00:00:26,254
Well, we're telling them today, okay?
13
00:00:26,290 --> 00:00:27,689
That way, if Mom freaks,
14
00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:30,392
she'll have 10 days in
Bermuda to calm down.
15
00:00:30,427 --> 00:00:31,927
Okay, then go now!
16
00:00:31,962 --> 00:00:33,962
She's never in a better
mood than on Christmas Eve.
17
00:00:33,997 --> 00:00:35,597
Wait, is this a good way to tell her?
18
00:00:35,632 --> 00:00:37,466
We hang a stocking for "Grandma Claire,"
19
00:00:37,501 --> 00:00:38,934
and when she goes, "I'm not a grandma,"
20
00:00:38,969 --> 00:00:41,203
we go,
"Tell that to Haley and my's baby."
21
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,994
Promise me you won't
home school this kid.
22
00:00:47,498 --> 00:00:49,064
Hey, Mom. What are you doing?
23
00:00:49,099 --> 00:00:52,334
Ugh, Christmas cards are just clutter.
24
00:00:52,369 --> 00:00:53,502
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
25
00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:55,037
You can't throw away Uncle Cam's card.
26
00:00:55,072 --> 00:00:58,340
You know how sensitive he gets
about his piano placement.
27
00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,242
Remember that one year where his card
28
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:03,011
was slightly behind the one
from our old babysitter?
29
00:01:03,047 --> 00:01:05,047
Mm, I believe
he spoke the charming phrase,
30
00:01:05,082 --> 00:01:06,548
"And who is this whore?"
31
00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:08,784
Well, Christmas
is at Grandpa's this year,
32
00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:12,120
so Cam will never see it.
33
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:13,855
Check out the sledding polar bear paper.
34
00:01:13,891 --> 00:01:15,624
Can't look at that and not
be in a good mood, huh?
35
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,458
Yeah.
36
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,360
I am so sick of that stuff.
37
00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:21,163
I ordered five rolls from
some kid for a school drive.
38
00:01:21,198 --> 00:01:23,966
He shows up with fifty... his fault.
39
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,133
Kid bursts into tears.
40
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,169
Like it's on me that he can't count?
41
00:01:27,204 --> 00:01:29,371
- I was six, Mom.
- Mm.
42
00:01:31,809 --> 00:01:34,109
Bermuda just gets it...
43
00:01:34,144 --> 00:01:36,044
formal yet casual.
44
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,046
And home of the most perfectly tanned
45
00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:40,449
lower thigh,
upper knee region in the world.
46
00:01:40,484 --> 00:01:42,784
Not hard to pick out a
Bermudan in a locker room.
47
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,187
No. Oh, hang on.
48
00:01:45,222 --> 00:01:47,789
Wait. Well, this can't be right.
49
00:01:47,825 --> 00:01:49,791
This itinerary says
we're on four flights
50
00:01:49,827 --> 00:01:50,993
with three layovers.
51
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,361
Oh, yeah, um...
52
00:01:52,396 --> 00:01:54,930
remember how I found that
amazing airline deal online?
53
00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:57,833
Yeah, but two of these
layovers are six hours each.
54
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,735
Yes, but the third one's
only 12 minutes.
55
00:01:59,770 --> 00:02:01,069
But it's at O'Hare.
56
00:02:01,105 --> 00:02:02,371
Honey, we'll have to sprint
57
00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:03,739
from one end of the
airport to the other.
58
00:02:03,774 --> 00:02:06,341
It'll all be worth it when
we wake up on December 27th
59
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:09,011
in Bermuda,
where the forecast predicts...
60
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,779
hot fog.
61
00:02:10,814 --> 00:02:12,114
Can't we just take a direct flight?
62
00:02:12,149 --> 00:02:14,282
There's no changes,
the terms were very clear.
63
00:02:14,318 --> 00:02:16,385
It was part of a promotion
for a new website
64
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:17,652
called Tickets.Plane.
65
00:02:19,323 --> 00:02:21,056
Oh, yeah, I have a showing
right down the street.
66
00:02:21,091 --> 00:02:22,624
Okay. Wait, hang on.
67
00:02:22,659 --> 00:02:23,525
Don't leave. Don't leave.
68
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,594
What is Economy Minus?
69
00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:28,263
A plus, actually,
70
00:02:28,298 --> 00:02:30,332
since no one's jealous of
people with aisle seats,
71
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:34,436
because it's basically two
innovative 18-person benches
72
00:02:34,471 --> 00:02:35,470
facing each other.
73
00:02:36,507 --> 00:02:37,606
Phil?!
74
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,342
What?
75
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:41,376
Nothing.
76
00:02:57,561 --> 00:02:59,061
Who moved Cam's card?
77
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,863
He's gonna be very upset
if he's not on the mantel!
78
00:03:01,899 --> 00:03:03,265
I put it in a drawer until he gets here.
79
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,833
That glitter was getting on everything.
80
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,135
I breathed some of that in.
81
00:03:07,171 --> 00:03:09,004
I cough gold now.
82
00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:11,840
Gloria, you got a package from Colombia.
83
00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:13,842
Must mean the government
took back the airstrip.
84
00:03:13,877 --> 00:03:17,879
Those are the gifts from my cousins!
85
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,649
Beautiful!
86
00:03:20,684 --> 00:03:25,120
Back home we call these
suéteres de Navidad.
87
00:03:25,155 --> 00:03:26,822
So... Christmas sweaters.
88
00:03:26,857 --> 00:03:30,325
Put them on so we can take a picture.
89
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,260
Wow, these are really soft.
90
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,062
Damn cozy is what they are.
91
00:03:34,098 --> 00:03:37,432
Oh, look,
they also sent a banana leaf wreath.
92
00:03:38,430 --> 00:03:39,434
Banana spider!
93
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:40,602
- What?!
- What is that?!
94
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,437
It's a deadly spider! It will kill you!
95
00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:43,371
I know what deadly means!
96
00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:44,439
Well, where'd it go?
97
00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,574
I'm wearing backless house slippers!
98
00:03:45,609 --> 00:03:46,408
I think it ran over to the...
99
00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:50,412
He took the tree!
100
00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:52,714
Am I the only one who feels kinda itchy?
101
00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:53,961
The sweaters.
102
00:03:54,251 --> 00:03:56,418
Where there's one, there's many!
103
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:57,219
- Run!
- Let's go!
104
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,023
Dear God, he's got the remote.
105
00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,127
Okay, smile!
106
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,761
Can we go look at phones after this?
107
00:04:06,797 --> 00:04:09,498
No, Lily, you are not getting
a cell phone for Christmas.
108
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:11,166
They're expensive,
and you haven't proven yourself
109
00:04:11,201 --> 00:04:13,435
responsible enough to own one yet.
110
00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:16,304
Uh, I was responsible enough
to come to a foreign country
111
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,739
and build a life with two strangers.
112
00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:20,142
Okay, you used that one to get
a later bedtime, all right?
113
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:22,010
Oh, Cal, you're next.
114
00:04:22,045 --> 00:04:23,512
Ho, ho, ho.
115
00:04:23,547 --> 00:04:26,047
We want Cal to have a perfect Christmas.
116
00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:28,183
It's tough with his mom being in prison.
117
00:04:28,218 --> 00:04:32,120
Plus, his holiday season kind
of got off to a rough start.
118
00:04:32,156 --> 00:04:34,556
You know, of all
of our wonderful ornament selects,
119
00:04:34,591 --> 00:04:35,891
these are my fave.
120
00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:37,092
Merry Christmas!
121
00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:39,261
From Mitch and Cam!
122
00:04:39,296 --> 00:04:41,863
♪ Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause ♪
123
00:04:41,899 --> 00:04:44,332
♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪
124
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,835
♪ Down through the chimney
with lots of toys ♪
125
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,237
♪ All for the little ones'
Christmas joy ♪
126
00:04:49,273 --> 00:04:51,740
♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪
127
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:54,242
♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪
128
00:04:54,278 --> 00:04:56,678
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click ♪
129
00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,448
- He was fine. Fine!
- He was fine.
130
00:05:00,484 --> 00:05:02,083
We barely got through three verses
131
00:05:02,119 --> 00:05:04,386
and a repeat chorus before
we realized our mistake.
132
00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:06,621
- Although that rainstorm came out of nowhere.
- Yeah.
133
00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:09,424
Merry Christmas, little Cal!
134
00:05:09,459 --> 00:05:11,660
Lily, take your cousin over there.
Relax a little.
135
00:05:11,695 --> 00:05:12,561
Okay, go.
136
00:05:12,596 --> 00:05:13,929
- Hi!
- Hi!
137
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,364
Hey, Santa. So, just wondering
if you could you do us a favor
138
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,801
and tell us what our nephew
just asked for for Christmas?
139
00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,369
I know you. You're that lawyer.
140
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,871
Oh, no. This is never good.
141
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,473
You're the ADA who charged
me with public intoxication.
142
00:05:25,509 --> 00:05:28,009
Got me sentenced to fifty
hours community service...
143
00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:30,045
working as a mall Santa is part of it.
144
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,948
Okay. Well, I'm sorry.
But can't we move past that?
145
00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:35,283
We really need to know
what our nephew asked for.
146
00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,385
He asked for a more
lenient justice system.
147
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,621
Well, I doubt that.
He's pretty conservative.
148
00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:41,389
We have to pretend to be roommates.
149
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:42,657
Can we move this along?
150
00:05:42,693 --> 00:05:44,659
I only have my kids for
four hours this week.
151
00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:48,705
Merry Christmas.
152
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:50,540
You know what? As a former mall Santa,
153
00:05:50,576 --> 00:05:52,576
I vowed never to comment
on a sitting Santa,
154
00:05:52,611 --> 00:05:54,544
but you're a disgrace
to the red and white.
155
00:05:55,681 --> 00:05:57,280
Phil, I just got
off the phone with my dad.
156
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,149
We're moving Christmas Eve to our house.
157
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,250
I got to run out and get some groceries.
158
00:06:00,285 --> 00:06:01,585
See you soon. Bye.
159
00:06:03,755 --> 00:06:04,688
Where's the tree?
160
00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:06,490
Where are the gifts?
161
00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:09,426
I assumed you canceled Christmas
because you found out that I...
162
00:06:10,729 --> 00:06:11,962
But I interrupted you.
163
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,630
Did your dad take them to his showing?
164
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,032
He's always doing this...
he steals my decorations
165
00:06:16,068 --> 00:06:18,301
to stage his houses to make them homier.
166
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,570
He swore he would stop doing this!
167
00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:21,972
At least he left the "wreaf."
168
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,039
Wreath.
169
00:06:23,075 --> 00:06:24,374
Eh, I've heard it both ways.
170
00:06:24,409 --> 00:06:26,376
No, I have, too. Doesn't make it right.
171
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:28,445
What are we supposed to do?
172
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,580
We can't host a Christmas
without a tree.
173
00:06:30,616 --> 00:06:32,482
I thought you weren't allowed
to host Christmas anymore
174
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,483
after last year.
175
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:38,121
I took a swing at a new
way to prepare turkey.
176
00:06:41,786 --> 00:06:43,019
Well, this is frozen.
177
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,820
No, Dad, you just... you hit a bone.
178
00:06:44,856 --> 00:06:46,255
I saw this on "Top Chef."
179
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:49,025
They cooked an entire
turkey in one hour.
180
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,560
Luke had some, you're fine.
Aren't you, buddy?
181
00:06:52,196 --> 00:06:53,095
Check on Joe.
182
00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:03,272
Oh, your father isn't answering.
183
00:07:03,308 --> 00:07:04,540
You knew about this, didn't you?
184
00:07:04,576 --> 00:07:05,841
I could tell you were hiding something.
185
00:07:10,248 --> 00:07:12,048
Phil?
186
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:13,783
Phil!
187
00:07:13,818 --> 00:07:14,784
Ph... Oh!
188
00:07:15,787 --> 00:07:17,653
This theater is totally soundproof,
189
00:07:17,689 --> 00:07:21,390
so no one will hear you yelling at
Jim to pick up his socks, Sandy.
190
00:07:21,426 --> 00:07:22,525
She does get loud.
191
00:07:27,131 --> 00:07:28,898
So, all of this,
192
00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:31,033
plus it's in a great school
dist... rict.
193
00:07:31,069 --> 00:07:33,536
Oh my God,
was this house just robbed?
194
00:07:33,571 --> 00:07:35,404
I told you this was a sketchy area.
195
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,139
I am not going through
another home invasion
196
00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:40,209
with the kids and me banging
on the panic room door.
197
00:07:40,244 --> 00:07:43,079
So, you guys chat, and I'll,
uh, take a minute,
198
00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,381
see if I can find a replacement tree
199
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,483
and nine identically wrapped gifts.
200
00:07:48,786 --> 00:07:51,420
It's the perfect way to get
your mom in a good mood.
201
00:07:51,456 --> 00:07:53,623
Think about it...
cupcakes are little cakes
202
00:07:53,658 --> 00:07:55,458
just like babies are little people.
203
00:07:55,493 --> 00:07:56,659
I guess.
204
00:07:56,694 --> 00:07:58,194
I just want this to go well.
205
00:07:58,229 --> 00:07:59,662
I'm in a really good
place with this baby,
206
00:07:59,697 --> 00:08:01,864
and I want my mom to be, too.
207
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,766
She wasn't in the
best mood this morning.
208
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:04,800
It's Christmas Eve.
209
00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:07,436
She can't stay a Grinch all day.
210
00:08:16,839 --> 00:08:17,851
Thank you.
211
00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:19,787
That was the exterminator.
212
00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,241
He is, uh, on his way,
213
00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:23,478
but he's gonna have to tent
the house for a couple of days.
214
00:08:23,513 --> 00:08:26,181
And I'm trying to book us a hotel,
but the call keeps dropping.
215
00:08:26,216 --> 00:08:28,516
Joe, let's go to the backyard.
There's better reception.
216
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,187
Hey, listen. I left something inside.
217
00:08:32,222 --> 00:08:34,789
I need you to get it for me.
This should keep you safe.
218
00:08:34,825 --> 00:08:37,091
Are you crazy? I'm not going
back into that spider's nest.
219
00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:38,460
Fine, I hate them, too.
220
00:08:38,495 --> 00:08:41,262
The problem is,
they're attracted to my musk.
221
00:08:41,298 --> 00:08:43,097
I went to the insect room
at the zoo a while back,
222
00:08:43,133 --> 00:08:45,033
and they all started banging
on the glass like inmates.
223
00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:46,534
What'd you leave in there
that's so important?
224
00:08:46,570 --> 00:08:47,502
It's a medication.
225
00:08:47,537 --> 00:08:50,004
I'm fine, but I didn't tell your mom
226
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,206
'cause I didn't want her to worry.
227
00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:53,541
Can we just stop by a liquor store
and refill your "prescription."
228
00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:55,477
It's a medicine! Look...
229
00:08:55,512 --> 00:08:58,213
I'm sure our hotel has a top notch spa.
230
00:08:58,248 --> 00:09:00,748
One that might add a,
uh, hot stone massage,
231
00:09:00,784 --> 00:09:02,250
an herbal soak...
232
00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:03,818
Do I look like someone
who can be bought?
233
00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,854
No, but you do look like
someone who might enjoy
234
00:09:05,889 --> 00:09:07,856
a four-handed Balinese seaweed swaddle.
235
00:09:09,226 --> 00:09:10,925
You son of a bitch.
236
00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:16,097
So, Cal, what did you
and Santa talk about?
237
00:09:17,529 --> 00:09:19,129
It's a secret.
238
00:09:19,164 --> 00:09:20,430
Me, I'd be fine with just cash.
239
00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:21,698
You guys have enough on your plate.
240
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:23,667
Okay, you're not buying yourself
a phone, all right?
241
00:09:23,702 --> 00:09:25,202
Ooh, Santa's on break.
242
00:09:25,237 --> 00:09:27,337
Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again.
243
00:09:27,373 --> 00:09:29,506
You guys need me...
maybe throw a please in there.
244
00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:31,575
- Yeah. Hi!
- Hi!
245
00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:33,310
Oh, it really is the most
wonderful time of the year.
246
00:09:33,345 --> 00:09:35,579
- Beautiful.
- Isn't it? So, listen, do you mind if...
247
00:09:35,614 --> 00:09:38,315
Do you think you're the first parents
wanting to take a peek at my scroll?
248
00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:39,683
Better stick something in my bootie.
249
00:09:39,718 --> 00:09:41,051
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry. What?
250
00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:43,086
Cash in the slipper, perv.
251
00:09:43,122 --> 00:09:44,221
Oh. Do you wanna...
252
00:09:44,256 --> 00:09:47,524
Yeah, yeah, I got...
I got, uh... I've got $10.
253
00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:48,992
Thank you.
254
00:09:49,028 --> 00:09:50,460
No, this is just a list of toys.
255
00:09:50,496 --> 00:09:52,029
None of the kids'
names are next to them.
256
00:09:52,064 --> 00:09:54,097
Oh, oh. You know what?
257
00:09:54,133 --> 00:09:55,465
Uh, we'll look
at pictures of Cal in line
258
00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:57,267
and then match the kids up behind him
259
00:09:57,303 --> 00:09:58,735
with the toys on the list.
260
00:09:58,771 --> 00:10:00,137
Okay, so, well, I guess this Asian kid,
261
00:10:00,172 --> 00:10:01,371
he maybe wants the, uh...
262
00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:02,372
There's no time to be
politically correct.
263
00:10:02,408 --> 00:10:03,206
- He wants the calculator.
- Calculator.
264
00:10:05,119 --> 00:10:06,652
- And he wants it bad.
- Yeah.
265
00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:09,188
Wait, does that mean that this little
boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?
266
00:10:09,223 --> 00:10:10,522
Yep, look at the turned-out foot.
267
00:10:10,558 --> 00:10:12,291
- Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.
- Hey!
268
00:10:12,326 --> 00:10:13,792
Which means Cal wants...
269
00:10:13,828 --> 00:10:14,760
Hot Wheels!
270
00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:16,395
Okay, okay.
271
00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:17,229
Let's go.
272
00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:18,764
- Thank you!
- Thank you.
273
00:10:18,799 --> 00:10:20,265
Uhh...
274
00:10:20,301 --> 00:10:22,301
Don't worry. They come back.
275
00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:27,639
Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.
276
00:10:27,675 --> 00:10:29,474
No, but we're gonna tell them in song.
277
00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:31,109
Listen to this part.
278
00:10:31,145 --> 00:10:33,846
♪ Soon a baby as cute as us ♪
279
00:10:33,881 --> 00:10:36,315
♪ Will spring forth
from Haley's uterus ♪
280
00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:38,183
I love it!
281
00:10:38,219 --> 00:10:41,220
She's lying. She just wants us to get
it over with so her eczema will go away.
282
00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,188
I don't have... Oh, my God!
283
00:10:44,358 --> 00:10:46,091
Okay, you got this.
284
00:10:46,126 --> 00:10:47,226
You're quicker than those things.
285
00:10:47,261 --> 00:10:48,760
- I doubt that.
- You're smarter.
286
00:10:48,796 --> 00:10:50,128
I can't make a web out of nothing.
287
00:10:50,164 --> 00:10:52,397
- Plus, you got a weapon.
- A leaf blower?
288
00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:55,033
Hey, that thing can blow a
Pomeranian through a hedge.
289
00:10:55,069 --> 00:10:56,869
Let's just say little
Mimi from next door
290
00:10:56,904 --> 00:10:58,604
won't be visiting our lawn anymore.
291
00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:00,105
Now hurry up before your mom gets back.
292
00:11:01,208 --> 00:11:03,442
We'll be in constant communication.
293
00:11:03,477 --> 00:11:05,677
Go. Go, go, go.
294
00:11:05,713 --> 00:11:07,446
Keep your head on a swivel.
295
00:11:07,481 --> 00:11:09,882
Head for my bathroom. Remember.
296
00:11:09,917 --> 00:11:12,384
That spider can sense the
subtlest sign of fear.
297
00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:15,020
Something just ran past my foot.
298
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:22,660
Damn it, the power's out!
299
00:11:22,694 --> 00:11:24,127
Then so am I!
300
00:11:24,162 --> 00:11:26,262
No! You just leveled the playing field.
301
00:11:26,298 --> 00:11:27,330
They have eight eyes.
302
00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:28,731
You only have two.
303
00:11:28,767 --> 00:11:30,533
You just took away their one advantage.
304
00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:33,163
What about their sac of poison?
305
00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,467
Okay, I'm in the bathroom.
306
00:11:37,503 --> 00:11:39,603
Good, good. The medication...
307
00:11:39,638 --> 00:11:41,505
is down below in the cabinet.
308
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:44,274
You want me to reach my hand
into a dark, damp breeding ground?
309
00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:47,077
It's all the way in the
back on the far right.
310
00:11:47,112 --> 00:11:49,112
Just feel around for the jar.
311
00:11:49,148 --> 00:11:50,647
So, skitter my hand back and forth?
312
00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,016
That's basically a spider mating dance!
313
00:11:57,122 --> 00:11:58,789
Got it.
314
00:11:58,824 --> 00:12:00,023
Whoa! Ow!
315
00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,792
Talk to me, over.
316
00:12:03,429 --> 00:12:04,628
Manny!
317
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:08,699
Not leaving!
318
00:12:08,734 --> 00:12:10,601
Still shopping!
319
00:12:10,636 --> 00:12:12,736
As if getting robbed wasn't bad enough,
320
00:12:12,771 --> 00:12:14,171
now that we were hosting Christmas,
321
00:12:14,206 --> 00:12:16,340
I had to get a new tree
and gifts into the house
322
00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:17,541
before Claire got home.
323
00:12:17,576 --> 00:12:20,043
Fortunately,
I had a copy of her gift list.
324
00:12:20,079 --> 00:12:22,446
It was eerie how many of these events
325
00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:24,915
were lining up with the plot of
my children's book in progress,
326
00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:26,550
"The Realtor Who Saved Christmas."
327
00:12:29,681 --> 00:12:31,548
- Hello?
- Buddy, I need a favor.
328
00:12:31,583 --> 00:12:33,016
Remember that polar bear wrapping paper
329
00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:35,051
you made us buy so much of
because you can't do math?
330
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,586
- Uh-huh.
- Grab a couple rolls of it,
331
00:12:36,621 --> 00:12:38,822
meet me out in front of
the house in 20 minutes.
332
00:12:38,857 --> 00:12:41,391
We're all out. Mom used the
last of it on this year's gifts.
333
00:12:41,426 --> 00:12:44,961
Damn it! I need a bunch of it.
Where am I supposed to f...
334
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:47,363
♪ Hallelujah ♪
335
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,499
♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪
336
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,701
- ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- All good, Luke.
337
00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:07,817
Well, we got what we need.
338
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,753
I'm glad someone's getting
what they want this year.
339
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,087
You know what? Here, take my phone.
340
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,389
If you can get through a day
without losing it, it's yours.
341
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,798
You must've run through some hairspray.
342
00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,333
Your boots are like flypaper.
343
00:13:23,368 --> 00:13:24,601
That's why that spray was banned.
344
00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:27,237
Birds were flying over the factory
and getting stuck together.
345
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,507
Hey, wait, wait a second. Wait a second.
346
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:32,208
This is your medication?
347
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,810
"Good Old Fashioned Elbow Grease?"
348
00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:35,278
I suffer from dry elbow.
349
00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:36,846
That's what I risked my life for?
350
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:40,083
Supple elbows are heavily
featured in every good power pose.
351
00:13:43,041 --> 00:13:44,508
That's how I got the
cover to Closet World.
352
00:13:44,543 --> 00:13:46,309
I literally elbowed my way to the top.
353
00:13:47,735 --> 00:13:49,312
I booked us a hotel.
354
00:13:49,348 --> 00:13:51,147
Manny, you're sharing a room with Joe.
355
00:13:52,651 --> 00:13:53,450
Fix that.
356
00:13:58,123 --> 00:13:59,589
What are you roasting
on the space heater?
357
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:01,758
Oh, I threw those cards in the trash.
358
00:14:01,793 --> 00:14:03,260
They got all soggy.
359
00:14:03,295 --> 00:14:04,628
- Even Uncle Cam's?
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:14:04,663 --> 00:14:07,864
You have to save those for seven years,
like tax returns.
361
00:14:18,944 --> 00:14:20,911
- Hello, Phil.
- Oh!
362
00:14:20,946 --> 00:14:21,912
Oh, that's right.
363
00:14:21,947 --> 00:14:23,380
The tree's back where it belongs.
364
00:14:23,415 --> 00:14:24,514
You stole it?!
365
00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:25,949
Oh, no, you did.
366
00:14:25,984 --> 00:14:28,818
Just like you stole my family
of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys,
367
00:14:28,854 --> 00:14:30,320
my inflatable Easter bunny,
368
00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:32,122
and my Uncle Sam piñata,
369
00:14:32,157 --> 00:14:34,257
all for your open houses.
370
00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:38,684
Today was my chance to shed
a very unfair reputation.
371
00:14:38,719 --> 00:14:39,329
Claire...
372
00:14:39,364 --> 00:14:42,198
I put two people in
the hospital one time,
373
00:14:42,234 --> 00:14:44,167
and now I'm a Christmas ruiner.
374
00:14:44,202 --> 00:14:45,368
Fire!
375
00:14:45,404 --> 00:14:47,437
Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher!
376
00:14:47,472 --> 00:14:49,940
Aah! It's Cam's glitter card! I knew it!
377
00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:50,774
Stand back!
378
00:14:50,809 --> 00:14:52,175
Aah!
379
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:53,143
The tree!
380
00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:54,311
The tree, Phil!
381
00:14:54,346 --> 00:14:56,323
Do the tree, Phil. The gifts!
382
00:14:57,149 --> 00:14:59,349
The... The... Honey...
383
00:14:59,384 --> 00:15:00,850
It's out!
384
00:15:00,886 --> 00:15:03,954
This must be the one Luke and I
used for our jet pack prototype.
385
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:08,325
You know, we're being crazy.
There is no perfect moment.
386
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,461
We're just going to walk in
there like adults and tell them.
387
00:15:21,132 --> 00:15:21,897
Honey...
388
00:15:21,932 --> 00:15:22,998
It's no use.
389
00:15:23,034 --> 00:15:24,733
It's over, Phil.
390
00:15:24,769 --> 00:15:25,934
The house smells like smoke,
391
00:15:25,970 --> 00:15:26,969
we have no tree
392
00:15:27,004 --> 00:15:29,905
and nine scorched,
yet soaking-wet gifts.
393
00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:32,341
Worst of all,
I have to make Mitchell's day
394
00:15:32,376 --> 00:15:34,743
by telling him we're moving
the party to his house
395
00:15:34,779 --> 00:15:39,081
and I'm on permanent
host probation forever.
396
00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:40,549
Who knows?
397
00:15:40,584 --> 00:15:44,153
Maybe in a couple years they'll
toss me a pity holiday...
398
00:15:44,188 --> 00:15:48,691
"Welcome to my non-alcoholic
Earth Day brunch."
399
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:50,626
In brighter news,
400
00:15:50,661 --> 00:15:53,295
I am getting on a prop
plane in a couple hours.
401
00:15:53,330 --> 00:15:55,397
Bermuda Triangle's still a thing, right?
402
00:15:55,433 --> 00:15:56,365
Claire.
403
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,434
Honey, I just can't right now.
404
00:15:58,469 --> 00:15:59,568
I'm not in the mood for...
405
00:16:03,319 --> 00:16:05,507
- How?
- Merry Christmas from me.
406
00:16:05,543 --> 00:16:09,144
Did you sneak out earlier and buy
all this stuff to cover your tracks?
407
00:16:09,180 --> 00:16:12,381
Or you can choose to believe
it's a Christmas miracle.
408
00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:13,749
I choose miracle.
409
00:16:15,786 --> 00:16:17,152
Happy holidays!
410
00:16:17,188 --> 00:16:19,521
- Hey!
- Hey!
411
00:16:19,557 --> 00:16:21,256
Thank you for taking over.
412
00:16:21,292 --> 00:16:22,858
- You saved the day!
- Merry Christmas.
413
00:16:22,893 --> 00:16:24,960
Well, you know, it's kind of what I do.
414
00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:26,228
Come on, drinks in the kitchen.
415
00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:27,963
- Yay! All right!
- All right!
416
00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:34,435
Ooh, Manny,
what's up with the noggin bump?
417
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:35,303
What? Where?
418
00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:36,370
Oh, no.
419
00:16:36,406 --> 00:16:38,372
That looks like a banana spider bite!
420
00:16:38,408 --> 00:16:39,841
It's not a bite, he bumped his head.
421
00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,275
No, that looks like a bite.
422
00:16:41,311 --> 00:16:44,278
My sister got bit by a Missouri
Silo Spider... lost a toe.
423
00:16:44,314 --> 00:16:47,281
Happy ending...
she was born with eleven.
424
00:16:47,317 --> 00:16:48,916
Manny, we need to get that checked.
425
00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:50,184
There is an antidote,
426
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,687
but if you have never
been bitten by the spider,
427
00:16:52,722 --> 00:16:53,921
it might kill you.
428
00:16:53,957 --> 00:16:55,523
- Let's go to the car.
- I... Jay.
429
00:16:55,558 --> 00:16:56,991
Stop! He wasn't bitten.
430
00:16:57,026 --> 00:16:58,626
He bumped his head when
he went back in the house
431
00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:00,495
to grab my... medication.
432
00:17:01,464 --> 00:17:02,396
What medication?
433
00:17:02,432 --> 00:17:03,965
Oh, my God, Dad, are you okay?
434
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,800
We're gonna get through this, buddy.
435
00:17:05,835 --> 00:17:08,336
It's an elbow cream that I secretly use
436
00:17:08,371 --> 00:17:10,371
every night after Gloria falls asleep.
437
00:17:10,406 --> 00:17:13,808
You sent our son into the
nest of a deadly spider
438
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:14,876
for a beauty cream?
439
00:17:14,911 --> 00:17:16,210
It's a medicine
440
00:17:16,246 --> 00:17:19,580
that treats the heartbreaking
condition of dry elbow!
441
00:17:19,616 --> 00:17:22,316
It requires a
veterinarian's prescription
442
00:17:22,352 --> 00:17:25,052
because it's primarily used
on rhinos and elephants.
443
00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:29,390
I see on our march to
become a perfect society,
444
00:17:29,425 --> 00:17:30,958
elbow shaming is still allowed.
445
00:17:31,961 --> 00:17:33,694
I get a little dry sometimes.
446
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:36,597
Hey! You're just as much a
person as everybody else.
447
00:17:36,633 --> 00:17:38,566
I can't believe that
you're so vain that you...
448
00:17:38,601 --> 00:17:42,069
Wait, is that my Christmas card
stuck on the bottom of your shoe?
449
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:44,205
And why... why is it singed?
450
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,873
Ugh, you got to be less about the cards.
451
00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:47,542
We all think it.
452
00:17:47,577 --> 00:17:50,778
Didn't you empty a can of powerful
hairspray in the bathroom?
453
00:17:51,873 --> 00:17:52,838
And did you go in there, too?
454
00:17:55,343 --> 00:17:58,944
Fine! I needed something, okay?
455
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,213
But at least I went in myself.
456
00:18:01,249 --> 00:18:03,649
After you offered me $20 and I said no.
457
00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:06,151
Some of us can't be bought.
458
00:18:06,187 --> 00:18:07,620
What did you need?
459
00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:10,189
Whatever it is,
we're gonna get through this.
460
00:18:10,224 --> 00:18:12,124
A night guard.
461
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,660
I didn't want to tell you,
but every night,
462
00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:17,396
I wait for you to fall asleep,
so I put it on.
463
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,365
It's so unattractive.
464
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,332
That's it?
465
00:18:20,368 --> 00:18:23,669
Ith not thex-thee. I look hideouth!
466
00:18:23,704 --> 00:18:25,938
Oh, that really humanizes her.
467
00:18:25,973 --> 00:18:27,106
I don't care for it.
468
00:18:29,663 --> 00:18:31,997
Okay, one of my teeth is loose.
469
00:18:32,032 --> 00:18:33,432
I am begging you to tell them.
470
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:34,500
That's what this is.
471
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:36,068
I'm coming down the chimney as Santa,
472
00:18:36,103 --> 00:18:37,703
delighting Joe and Cal.
473
00:18:37,738 --> 00:18:39,538
Mom will see how good he is with kids
474
00:18:39,573 --> 00:18:41,773
and then be super chill
with us being pregnant.
475
00:18:41,809 --> 00:18:43,008
Ugh...
476
00:18:43,878 --> 00:18:44,776
Uh-oh.
477
00:18:44,812 --> 00:18:46,278
I'm stuck.
478
00:18:46,313 --> 00:18:47,679
Okay, everybody, come on, picture time!
479
00:18:47,715 --> 00:18:49,081
In front of the tree, let's go.
480
00:18:49,116 --> 00:18:50,315
Oh, God. Just be quiet!
481
00:18:50,351 --> 00:18:51,984
There you are. Okay, where's Dylan?
482
00:18:52,019 --> 00:18:53,418
Aww, Mom.
483
00:18:53,454 --> 00:18:55,220
What? We need somebody
to take the picture.
484
00:18:55,256 --> 00:18:56,255
Harsh.
485
00:18:57,224 --> 00:18:58,423
What was that?
486
00:18:58,459 --> 00:19:00,893
Don't we always have the fire on?
487
00:19:00,928 --> 00:19:02,194
- No!
- I'm sure we do.
488
00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:05,230
Last year we used it to finish
cooking Claire's turkey pieces.
489
00:19:05,266 --> 00:19:06,698
Jay, go turn it on.
490
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:07,833
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
491
00:19:07,868 --> 00:19:09,735
Every... Everybody 12 and under, out.
492
00:19:09,770 --> 00:19:13,272
What? Honey, what's going on?
493
00:19:14,275 --> 00:19:15,407
Dylan's stuck in the chimney.
494
00:19:17,344 --> 00:19:18,277
Why?
495
00:19:18,312 --> 00:19:19,411
He's dressed up as Santa.
496
00:19:19,446 --> 00:19:20,779
He was gonna hand
presents out to the kids.
497
00:19:20,814 --> 00:19:21,847
Aww.
498
00:19:21,882 --> 00:19:24,016
Don't tell them now.
I want to be with you!
499
00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:25,884
Tell us what?
500
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,052
Nothing. It can wait.
501
00:19:27,087 --> 00:19:28,687
No, it can't! Please!
502
00:19:28,722 --> 00:19:30,389
My organs are shutting down!
503
00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:31,857
Okay, fine. I...
504
00:19:33,994 --> 00:19:36,461
We have an announcement.
505
00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,597
Dylan and I are having a baby.
506
00:19:44,102 --> 00:19:45,635
Are they smiling?
507
00:19:45,670 --> 00:19:47,570
You're pregnant?
508
00:19:47,605 --> 00:19:48,494
Yes.
509
00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:51,707
And w-we're really happy about it.
510
00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:54,177
Why wouldn't you be?
511
00:19:54,212 --> 00:19:55,011
Wow!
512
00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:57,280
Mom?
513
00:19:57,315 --> 00:20:01,117
It's... it's a lot
to process at once, and...
514
00:20:04,822 --> 00:20:06,789
A baby. Unbelievable!
515
00:20:07,992 --> 00:20:11,727
- Congratulations!
- Oh, my gosh! A baby!
516
00:20:11,763 --> 00:20:13,162
Oh, God.
517
00:20:13,198 --> 00:20:15,965
You handled that a lot better
than I did back in the day.
518
00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:17,433
Outside.
519
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,235
- On the inside, I'm you.
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:20,870
Can somebody save my life?
521
00:20:20,905 --> 00:20:22,738
- Oh, Cam, grab a foot.
- Yep.
522
00:20:23,908 --> 00:20:25,341
God, he's really wedged in there.
523
00:20:25,376 --> 00:20:27,143
Ah, if only we had some
kind of award-winning,
524
00:20:27,178 --> 00:20:28,611
placenta-based lubricant.
525
00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:29,679
Fine!
526
00:20:29,714 --> 00:20:32,114
Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this.
527
00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:34,984
I can't believe a little
Dylan is gonna pop out of you!
528
00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:36,219
What would that even look like?
529
00:20:36,817 --> 00:20:38,521
Oh!
530
00:20:41,993 --> 00:20:43,492
Everybody come on in for the picture!
531
00:20:43,528 --> 00:20:44,727
I'll set the timer.
532
00:20:44,762 --> 00:20:46,996
This is all gonna work out, right?
533
00:20:47,031 --> 00:20:48,297
Definitely. Yeah.
534
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:50,900
Hang on. Let me get my elbows ready.
535
00:20:50,935 --> 00:20:53,536
Okay, everybody smile, say "baby!"
536
00:20:53,571 --> 00:20:55,071
Baby!
537
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,828
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
538
00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:02,933
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
539
00:21:02,968 --> 00:21:05,001
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
540
00:21:05,037 --> 00:21:07,137
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
541
00:21:07,172 --> 00:21:09,473
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
542
00:21:09,508 --> 00:21:11,742
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
543
00:21:11,777 --> 00:21:13,877
♪ Did we leave the kids
at Claire's house? ♪
544
00:21:13,912 --> 00:21:15,979
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
545
00:21:16,014 --> 00:21:18,048
♪ Lily really needs a cell phone ♪
546
00:21:18,083 --> 00:21:20,350
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
547
00:21:20,386 --> 00:21:22,519
♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪
548
00:21:22,554 --> 00:21:24,785
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
549
00:21:27,967 --> 00:21:29,985
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com40196
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