Original subtitles

In march 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen

for a few weeks. My friends couldn't have been less excited.

Hey, everybody.

Sorry, we... we can't stay along.

Are those real diamond earrings?

Yes, they are.

- Thank you. - I didn't say I liked them.

I got a great deal on them, so...

Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone

would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers.

But really pretty.

Meet me upstairs.

They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.

Karen's a douche.

- Thanks for sugarcoating it. - "Douche" is sugarcoating it.

Believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date.

It's my life. I call the shots.

- Ted, now. - Coming.

I don't know what Ted sees in that

horrible woman.

I mean, she's got boobs, but...

I guess I get it.

I think it's because they met in high school.

She was his first real girlfriend.

We look at Karen and see a jerk.

Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener

besides himself, his mom, and his peditrician.

It's almost 2:00 a.m. I better get ready for work.

How can they call that thing you're on

a "morning show"? 4:00 a.m. is still the middle of the night.

I don't see how you do it.

It's been almost a month.

I'm used to it.

Plus the show's not half bad, right?

- Totally. - I've never seen it.

Have you guys ever watched it?

- Of course! - I've never seen it.

What is your favorite segment?

- Weather. - I've never seen it.

You guys have never seen my show.

- It's true. - That's what I've been saying.

Yes, it's dull and generic

and we get spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel

that only shows Kim Jong-Il riding a horse, but...

guys, it would mean so much to me

if just once I knew my friends were out there watching.

I'll tell you what.

This Friday morning, everyone can come to our place

3:30 a.m. we'll all put on Pjs.

We'll watch Robin's show.

- You guys are the best. - We just want to support you.

I just want to go to sleep!

I hate Robin for not being more successful.

Sad annoucement,

Karen broke up with me.

- Go ahead. - I knew you were listening!

Traduction : MiniBen314 et Lino72

Synchro : Mickeyte et MiniBen314

Relecture : MiniBen314 Transcript : Shooter.cn

How I Met Your Mother 4x17 - The Front Porch

par la "Have You Met Team" pour www.forom.com

We shouldn't be celebrating.

Ted's just been through a bad breakup.

Buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened.

Seriously, spare no details.

What did she say? What did you say?

How did it feel?

If you were to do it again,

all over,

would you maybe...

How did it happen?

It was the stupidest thing.

We were just hanging out, you know, being funny...

You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.

No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.

Wait! What is this?

Looks like one of Robin's earrings.

That's weird.

- You're... - How did it get in your bed?

I don't know.

Have you been sleeping with Robin?

What? No, of course not!

It probably got mixed in with the laundry or something.

Why should I believe you?

Maybe because I've always been faithful to you

while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch.

- Cool-blooded! - Right, right.

I totally should have said that.

Why should I believe you?

Maybe because I've always been faithful to you while you...

I love you.

I knew this was a mistake.

That's it.

It's over.

And that was it.

She left.

What a story. So brave of you to share that.

Wait. Those are your pajamas?

You sleep in a pyjama suit?

Of course! Why do you think I sleep in?

A coffin.

That doesn't look comfortable at all.

- You're wearing a tie. - First of all,

it's a sleeping cravate.

Second, it's not about confort.

It's about looking good all the time.

Why do you have to look good all the time?

Marshall, let me tell you a little story

about something that happened a couple months back.

We were just having a "who's hornier" contest

and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves.

- Nice pyjamas. - Can we use your shower?

That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie.

Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from...

Never mind.

The point is, it could happen.

And if it did, and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts,

I'd regret it forever.

I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most ridiculous

sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life. Anyway...

Marshall's wearing a nightgown!

Marshall's wearing a nightgown!

You know how in the future we're always saying

"Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"? This is that time!

It's a nightshirt.

You can call it a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want.

Doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser.

Whatever, dude. It's comfy.

So, flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing?

Let me go next!

Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed and take

Charlie to the chocolate factory?

Something about Scrooge!

Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team.

I don't know. I lived with Marshall for 12 years.

Any time he's wearing clothes at all, it's a victory.

- Show's about to start! - Be right there!

Good morning, New York. I'm Robin...

Marshall, I just found Robin's earring on your dresser.

Did you have something to do with the other one being in my bed?

- What are you talking about? - You've always hated Karen.

You've been telling me to break up with her.

You did it. You... put the earring

in my bed so that Karen would find it.

- I would never... - Admit it!

- There's nothing to admit! - Then why was Robin's earring

- on your dresser? - He was accessorizing!

I swear to God, if you don't tell me the truth right now...

Marshall didn't do it.

I did.

I broke you and Karen up.

You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane?

- What gives you the right to do that? - I did it for your own good.

You just weren't seeing how awful she was.

She failed the Front Porch Test.

What's the Front Porch Test?

You, me, and Marshall have been best friends since college.

Think about how much we all mean to each other.

So when I picture the future, I picture us all together.

How we'll all be retired,

sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house,

playing bridge all day.

Bridges are wild.

Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge.

I see your bridge

- and I raise you three bridges. - Bridge!

I win!

You have no idea how to play bridge, do you?

- We're gonna take a class. - It's important to stay active.

So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while,

I do the Front Porch Test.

You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years?

And when I think about Karen there...

Bridge! I win.

Fantastic. Another game of bridge.

Don't read a book or anything.

Look, dear.

Dolphins.

They seem happy.

I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront

property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet.

It will. That water will kill you.

It is a toxic deathtrap.

- I'm gonna take a dip. - I'll join you.

Karen failed the Front Porch Test. She had to go.

I can't believe you did that.

Think about all awesome you, me, and Marshall are.

Seriously, think about it.

- We're pretty awesome. - We're totally awesome.

So whoever you marry, whoever joins Team Awesome,

the bar is set pretty damn high.

Look, I'm not saying what I did was right, but...

You're better off without her.

And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true.

You know what? Fine, make your little jokes.

Seriously, why would you wear something like that?

- Lots of reasons. - I bet you can't name five.

One, no need to wear anything underneath.

I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs, buddy?

Two,

sexy.

I can vouch for that. Will you uncross your legs, buddy?

Three, my Grandpa Olaf wore one and he lived to be 107.

Four, no elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks

around my Thanksgiving belly. And five,

every night,

when I go to sleep, it's the freest,

most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel...

like I'm flying.

So that's how I go to bed every night,

happy.

Weightless. With a heart full of joy.

What about you?

I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.

But at least I'm not wearing a dress.

How mad are you?

I don't know. I mean...

I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, then

maybe it was for the best.

I really am sorry.

I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go.

Again?

Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend?

Never! Six.

- Like who? - No one! Angie.

Sophomore year.

She was just using you to get back at her ex,

and you clearly didn't see it, so...

one day when she was taking a nap...

Creed?

Oh, my God, I have to break up with her.

So that's where my Creed CD went.

Who else?

Remember that weird sci-fi girl

who wanted you to propose after, like, two months?

You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so...

Listen, Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult,

but I think we're looking for different things.

Live long and prosper. Or whatever.

That was you?

- This is insane! - Ted, I did those things to help you.

You're a commitment junkie.

You fall in love with these women, even if they don't deserve you.

What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children?

If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything.

- Like with Victoria, or Stella... - or Robin.

Or Robin?

Did you break us up, too?

Did you brake us up, too?

Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy!

You weep for these women, but you have the luxury

of not knowing what I know.

That those breakups, while tragic,

probably saved you from a crappy and very expensive first marriage.

Did you brake me and Robin up?

You don't want the truth.

Because deep down, you want me out there watching out for you.

And deep down, you know

that none of those women were ever gonna be

- the mother of your children. - Did you brake me and Robin up?

I do what I had to do.

- Did you brake me and Robin up? - You're damn right I did!

Your grandpa Olaf was a wise man.

You broke me and Robin up?

- It's not... - I cannot believe this.

I need another drink.

You know, I feel a little breeze down there. It's nice.

You think that's something?

Stand over this heating vent.

Like your junk is on a tropical island.

Little Barney says "Mahalo."

Seriously, what is wrong with you? How could you do that?

I did it because I care about you!

I am so glad that is the one you watched!

Dear God, what happened to you?

You didn't watch my show?

The show? Sorry.

Something special happen?

Same old, same old.

Lily just told us that she broke you and me up.

What? Broke... broke us up?

What does that even mean? Why are these guys wearing nightgowns?

- It's a nightshirt. - It's called a nightshirt.

Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself

to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours.

Robin was different. I didn't want you two to break up, but

wanted completely different things

out of life and refused to deal with it.

I could just picture that front porch.

Two of hearts.

Just like the hearts of the two children I never had

because my lovely wife hates kids.

A deuce.

Exactly what my career dropped

once I decided to settle down and marry Ted.

Bridge!

I win.

I do not like that scenario one bit.

All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues.

I didn't know I was feeding you the words that would lead to your breakup.

Here's a fun question, just for fun.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

You know what's fun? Fun questions.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Where do you see yourself?

Not to put words in your mouth, but

you probably want to be married.

I probably want to be married.

You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris.

I probably want to be in Argentina.

- Argentina? - Or Tokyo, or Paris.

We have an expiration date, don't we?

You can't manipulate people like that!

I've known you 12 years and I got honestly say

I have never been more furious at you!

- I didn't mean to... I was just... - I don't even want to hear it!

Settle down! Let's just settle down!

Now, I have one question.

What do these bad boys feel like in bed?

Come on. Let's go see.

So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating?

Or you would have stayed together far too long, had

an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remained friends, and

then you and I would never have become best friends.

Don't even say that.

Stop hugging!

You had no right to interfere in my relationships.

You got lucky.

You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18.

But that doesn't give you the right to play God

to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone.

You're so concerned about

who you and Marshall are gonna end up on that front porch with.

You know what? You can have it to yourselves.

What happened to your jacket?

Soot, bread crumbs, placenta.

Did you at least TiVo it?

You're this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you?

That's what marriage is all about, unconditional love.

You can wear whatever you want and still get laid.

Tell me more about being married.

Sometimes,

when you're married,

you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table.

- And coffee, too? - And coffee, too.

Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase

- of freshly cut flowers. - I love flowers.

And sometimes,

when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life

and you're not nearly the man you want to be,

what does she do then?

She tells you that you're great

and it's all gonna be okay.

That's wonderful.

And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with?

I guess. Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand.

Little guy had a big day.

We'll talk about it tomorrow. Sweet dreams, slugger.

The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily.

Until...

What are you...

Lily came by and explained everything.

And she gave me this note for you.

Ted, I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter to me who you marry. I know they'll be awesome

because they'll think you are.

To show I mean it, I put together a little surprise

for you and Karen upstairs.

Love, Lily.

P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open.

I had to read what she wrote.

Marshall.

Sabotaging our relationship?

I got to say, even using the specially-ordered extra-low bar by

which I judge your friends, Lily really outdid herself this time.

Obviously, we can't ever see her again.

I know. It's a big loss, right?

Remember your old college roommate?

He was married to that shrill little idiot girl.

- It's been so long. - God, I hated him.

Anyway, here's his obituary.

And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what

my friends think of my girlfriend,

But it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends.

So you ended it?

So if you want to be my plus one,

Lily's a damn good cook.

Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits.

No wonder Marshall dies at 68.

So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner.

Well, for her it was breakfast.

And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along,

we talked about our relationship.

So, Lily broke us up, sort of.

Kind of makes you wonder.

If it weren't for her, would we still be dating right now?

Maybe.

But Lily was right.

We weren't ready.

We both need to move on, do our own thing.

Still do, I guess.

We should make a pact.

If the years go by, and we both turn 40, and we're still single...

Will you be my backup wife?

A girl always dreams of hearing those words.

A million times, yes!

All right, It's a deal.

So, should we set up some ground rules for this?

- Like what? - I don't know.

Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that.

I only have one, you can't wear a nightshirt.

- I will never wear a nightshirt. - Thank God.

Never mind.