Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,907 --> 00:00:04,242
In march 2009, I'd been dating
my high school girlfriend Karen
2
00:00:04,362 --> 00:00:07,182
for a few weeks. My friends
couldn't have been less excited.
3
00:00:07,302 --> 00:00:08,507
Hey, everybody.
4
00:00:10,008 --> 00:00:12,208
Sorry, we...
we can't stay along.
5
00:00:14,327 --> 00:00:16,515
Are those real diamond earrings?
6
00:00:16,804 --> 00:00:17,992
Yes, they are.
7
00:00:18,196 --> 00:00:20,853
- Thank you.
- I didn't say I liked them.
8
00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:23,808
I got a great deal on them, so...
9
00:00:23,928 --> 00:00:26,826
Cool. I'm sure all the exploited
diamond miners in Sierra Leone
10
00:00:26,946 --> 00:00:29,834
would give you a high-five
if they still had all their fingers.
11
00:00:29,954 --> 00:00:31,354
But really pretty.
12
00:00:31,842 --> 00:00:33,192
Meet me upstairs.
13
00:00:33,624 --> 00:00:36,285
They only need one finger to
give her what I'm thinking.
14
00:00:37,613 --> 00:00:38,871
Karen's a douche.
15
00:00:39,934 --> 00:00:43,334
- Thanks for sugarcoating it.
- "Douche" is sugarcoating it.
16
00:00:43,454 --> 00:00:46,892
Believe it or not, my friends
do not get a vote on who I date.
17
00:00:47,012 --> 00:00:48,899
It's my life. I call the shots.
18
00:00:49,019 --> 00:00:50,409
- Ted, now.
- Coming.
19
00:00:52,215 --> 00:00:54,828
I don't know what Ted sees in that
20
00:00:54,948 --> 00:00:56,101
horrible woman.
21
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,367
I mean, she's got boobs, but...
22
00:00:58,724 --> 00:01:00,077
I guess I get it.
23
00:01:00,314 --> 00:01:02,405
I think it's because
they met in high school.
24
00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:04,450
She was his first real girlfriend.
25
00:01:04,570 --> 00:01:06,373
We look at Karen and see a jerk.
26
00:01:06,473 --> 00:01:08,876
Ted looks at Karen and sees
the first person to touch his wiener
27
00:01:08,976 --> 00:01:11,487
besides himself, his mom,
and his peditrician.
28
00:01:11,844 --> 00:01:14,281
It's almost 2:00 a.m.
I better get ready for work.
29
00:01:14,401 --> 00:01:16,413
How can they call that thing
you're on
30
00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:20,069
a "morning show"? 4:00 a.m. is
still the middle of the night.
31
00:01:20,305 --> 00:01:21,580
I don't see how you do it.
32
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,317
It's been almost a month.
33
00:01:23,437 --> 00:01:24,565
I'm used to it.
34
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,455
Plus the show's not half bad, right?
35
00:01:26,575 --> 00:01:28,725
- Totally.
- I've never seen it.
36
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:30,822
Have you guys ever watched it?
37
00:01:30,942 --> 00:01:32,562
- Of course!
- I've never seen it.
38
00:01:32,662 --> 00:01:34,301
What is your favorite segment?
39
00:01:34,401 --> 00:01:35,867
- Weather.
- I've never seen it.
40
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:37,580
You guys have never seen my show.
41
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,646
- It's true.
- That's what I've been saying.
42
00:01:40,322 --> 00:01:42,362
Yes, it's dull and generic
43
00:01:42,482 --> 00:01:44,724
and we get spanked in the ratings
by that Korean channel
44
00:01:44,844 --> 00:01:48,107
that only shows Kim Jong-Il
riding a horse, but...
45
00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:50,293
guys, it would mean so much to me
46
00:01:50,413 --> 00:01:53,714
if just once I knew my friends
were out there watching.
47
00:01:54,884 --> 00:01:56,006
I'll tell you what.
48
00:01:56,126 --> 00:01:58,473
This Friday morning,
everyone can come to our place
49
00:01:58,593 --> 00:02:00,815
3:30 a.m. we'll all put on Pjs.
50
00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:02,548
We'll watch Robin's show.
51
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,417
- You guys are the best.
- We just want to support you.
52
00:02:06,537 --> 00:02:08,619
I just want to go to sleep!
53
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,881
I hate Robin for not being
more successful.
54
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:17,235
Sad annoucement,
55
00:02:18,124 --> 00:02:19,555
Karen broke up with me.
56
00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:24,620
- Go ahead.
- I knew you were listening!
57
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,483
Traduction : MiniBen314 et Lino72
58
00:02:28,603 --> 00:02:30,323
Synchro : Mickeyte et MiniBen314
59
00:02:30,443 --> 00:02:32,810
Relecture : MiniBen314
Transcript : Shooter.cn
60
00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:36,443
How I Met Your Mother
4x17 - The Front Porch
61
00:02:36,563 --> 00:02:39,033
par la "Have You Met Team"
pour www.forom.com
62
00:02:42,157 --> 00:02:43,976
We shouldn't be celebrating.
63
00:02:44,096 --> 00:02:46,546
Ted's just been through
a bad breakup.
64
00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:49,525
Buddy, tell us everything.
Tell us what happened.
65
00:02:49,645 --> 00:02:51,537
Seriously, spare no details.
66
00:02:51,794 --> 00:02:54,094
What did she say?
What did you say?
67
00:02:54,486 --> 00:02:55,786
How did it feel?
68
00:02:56,096 --> 00:02:57,631
If you were to do it again,
69
00:02:57,751 --> 00:02:58,681
all over,
70
00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:00,137
would you maybe...
71
00:03:01,857 --> 00:03:03,257
How did it happen?
72
00:03:03,704 --> 00:03:05,554
It was the stupidest thing.
73
00:03:05,766 --> 00:03:08,562
We were just hanging out,
you know, being funny...
74
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,668
You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.
75
00:03:12,343 --> 00:03:15,092
No, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.
76
00:03:15,844 --> 00:03:17,344
Wait!
What is this?
77
00:03:18,795 --> 00:03:20,786
Looks like one of Robin's earrings.
78
00:03:20,886 --> 00:03:21,840
That's weird.
79
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:24,119
- You're...
- How did it get in your bed?
80
00:03:24,506 --> 00:03:25,656
I don't know.
81
00:03:26,029 --> 00:03:27,665
Have you been sleeping with Robin?
82
00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:29,496
What? No, of course not!
83
00:03:29,616 --> 00:03:31,814
It probably got mixed in
with the laundry or something.
84
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,684
Why should I believe you?
85
00:03:33,949 --> 00:03:36,293
Maybe because I've always been
faithful to you
86
00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:39,468
while you've cheated on me,
like, six times, bitch.
87
00:03:39,966 --> 00:03:42,389
- Cool-blooded!
- Right, right.
88
00:03:43,413 --> 00:03:45,099
I totally should have said that.
89
00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:47,359
Why should I believe you?
90
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,480
Maybe because I've always been
faithful to you while you...
91
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,490
I love you.
92
00:03:55,973 --> 00:03:57,773
I knew this was a mistake.
93
00:03:57,980 --> 00:03:58,980
That's it.
94
00:03:59,228 --> 00:04:00,228
It's over.
95
00:04:01,604 --> 00:04:02,904
And that was it.
96
00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:04,201
She left.
97
00:04:04,668 --> 00:04:07,842
What a story.
So brave of you to share that.
98
00:04:08,627 --> 00:04:10,993
Wait. Those are your pajamas?
99
00:04:11,316 --> 00:04:13,141
You sleep in a pyjama suit?
100
00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:15,629
Of course!
Why do you think I sleep in?
101
00:04:15,749 --> 00:04:16,699
A coffin.
102
00:04:17,496 --> 00:04:19,925
That doesn't look comfortable at all.
103
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,355
- You're wearing a tie.
- First of all,
104
00:04:22,589 --> 00:04:24,179
it's a sleeping cravate.
105
00:04:24,687 --> 00:04:26,599
Second, it's not about confort.
106
00:04:26,948 --> 00:04:29,143
It's about looking good
all the time.
107
00:04:29,427 --> 00:04:31,478
Why do you have to look good
all the time?
108
00:04:31,578 --> 00:04:33,317
Marshall, let me tell you
a little story
109
00:04:33,417 --> 00:04:35,426
about something that happened
a couple months back.
110
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,936
We were just having a
"who's hornier" contest
111
00:04:47,056 --> 00:04:49,876
and we spilled massage oil
all over ourselves.
112
00:04:49,996 --> 00:04:52,417
- Nice pyjamas.
- Can we use your shower?
113
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,963
That's not a memory.
That's from a porn movie.
114
00:04:58,180 --> 00:05:01,242
Not just any movie.
That's the exact scene from...
115
00:05:02,154 --> 00:05:03,204
Never mind.
116
00:05:03,732 --> 00:05:06,048
The point is, it could happen.
117
00:05:06,244 --> 00:05:10,090
And if it did, and I didn't look my
absolute best for those greasy sluts,
118
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,810
I'd regret it forever.
119
00:05:12,919 --> 00:05:15,163
I'm sorry, dude, but
that is just the most ridiculous
120
00:05:15,283 --> 00:05:18,433
sleeping attire I've ever seen
in my life. Anyway...
121
00:05:19,646 --> 00:05:21,482
Marshall's wearing a nightgown!
122
00:05:21,602 --> 00:05:23,078
Marshall's wearing a nightgown!
123
00:05:23,178 --> 00:05:25,061
You know how in the future
we're always saying
124
00:05:25,161 --> 00:05:27,454
"Remember when Marshall wore
a nightgown"? This is that time!
125
00:05:27,574 --> 00:05:28,607
It's a nightshirt.
126
00:05:28,727 --> 00:05:31,703
You can call it a
Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want.
127
00:05:31,823 --> 00:05:33,641
Doesn't make you any less
of a cross-dresser.
128
00:05:33,761 --> 00:05:35,611
Whatever, dude. It's comfy.
129
00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:38,987
So, flying to Neverland with Peter
and Tink, was that amazing?
130
00:05:39,107 --> 00:05:40,152
Let me go next!
131
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:43,050
Was it nice to finally get out
of that crowded bed and take
132
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,320
Charlie to the chocolate factory?
133
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,176
Something about Scrooge!
134
00:05:49,671 --> 00:05:52,071
Come on, guys.
I'm carrying the team.
135
00:05:52,203 --> 00:05:54,675
I don't know. I lived
with Marshall for 12 years.
136
00:05:54,873 --> 00:05:58,073
Any time he's wearing
clothes at all, it's a victory.
137
00:06:00,811 --> 00:06:03,461
- Show's about to start!
- Be right there!
138
00:06:17,219 --> 00:06:19,569
Good morning, New York.
I'm Robin...
139
00:06:21,677 --> 00:06:24,574
Marshall, I just found Robin's earring
on your dresser.
140
00:06:24,674 --> 00:06:27,037
Did you have something to do
with the other one being in my bed?
141
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,430
- What are you talking about?
- You've always hated Karen.
142
00:06:29,530 --> 00:06:31,338
You've been telling me
to break up with her.
143
00:06:31,438 --> 00:06:33,237
You did it. You... put the earring
144
00:06:33,357 --> 00:06:35,391
in my bed so that Karen would find it.
145
00:06:35,491 --> 00:06:36,891
- I would never...
- Admit it!
146
00:06:36,991 --> 00:06:39,305
- There's nothing to admit!
- Then why was Robin's earring
147
00:06:39,405 --> 00:06:41,483
- on your dresser?
- He was accessorizing!
148
00:06:42,244 --> 00:06:45,382
I swear to God, if you don't tell me
the truth right now...
149
00:06:45,850 --> 00:06:47,323
Marshall didn't do it.
150
00:06:48,961 --> 00:06:49,761
I did.
151
00:06:50,545 --> 00:06:52,295
I broke you and Karen up.
152
00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:01,587
You broke me and Karen up?
Are you insane?
153
00:07:01,891 --> 00:07:05,353
- What gives you the right to do that?
- I did it for your own good.
154
00:07:05,473 --> 00:07:08,427
You just weren't seeing
how awful she was.
155
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,846
She failed the Front Porch Test.
156
00:07:11,471 --> 00:07:13,371
What's the Front Porch Test?
157
00:07:13,715 --> 00:07:16,944
You, me, and Marshall have been
best friends since college.
158
00:07:17,064 --> 00:07:19,938
Think about how much
we all mean to each other.
159
00:07:20,196 --> 00:07:23,233
So when I picture the future,
I picture us all together.
160
00:07:23,850 --> 00:07:25,435
How we'll all be retired,
161
00:07:25,535 --> 00:07:28,098
sipping tea on the front porch
of our beach house,
162
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,894
playing bridge all day.
163
00:07:30,944 --> 00:07:32,469
Bridges are wild.
164
00:07:32,589 --> 00:07:35,217
Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge.
165
00:07:35,337 --> 00:07:36,851
I see your bridge
166
00:07:37,061 --> 00:07:39,857
- and I raise you three bridges.
- Bridge!
167
00:07:40,049 --> 00:07:40,876
I win!
168
00:07:41,579 --> 00:07:43,539
You have no idea
how to play bridge, do you?
169
00:07:43,659 --> 00:07:47,091
- We're gonna take a class.
- It's important to stay active.
170
00:07:47,483 --> 00:07:50,051
So whenever you've been dating
somebody for a while,
171
00:07:50,171 --> 00:07:52,266
I do the Front Porch Test.
172
00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:56,262
You know, how is this person gonna
fit in with our group over the years?
173
00:07:56,382 --> 00:07:58,393
And when I think about Karen there...
174
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:00,529
Bridge! I win.
175
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,525
Fantastic.
Another game of bridge.
176
00:08:03,645 --> 00:08:05,484
Don't read a book or anything.
177
00:08:05,847 --> 00:08:06,897
Look, dear.
178
00:08:07,693 --> 00:08:08,642
Dolphins.
179
00:08:08,994 --> 00:08:10,248
They seem happy.
180
00:08:10,368 --> 00:08:12,816
I guess the chemical runoff from
this elitist beachfront
181
00:08:12,916 --> 00:08:15,460
property hasn't rotted out
their blowholes yet.
182
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:18,135
It will. That water will kill you.
183
00:08:18,255 --> 00:08:20,116
It is a toxic deathtrap.
184
00:08:20,773 --> 00:08:23,669
- I'm gonna take a dip.
- I'll join you.
185
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,173
Karen failed the Front Porch Test.
She had to go.
186
00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:29,243
I can't believe you did that.
187
00:08:30,381 --> 00:08:32,912
Think about all awesome you,
me, and Marshall are.
188
00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:34,882
Seriously, think about it.
189
00:08:39,264 --> 00:08:41,682
- We're pretty awesome.
- We're totally awesome.
190
00:08:41,802 --> 00:08:45,631
So whoever you marry, whoever
joins Team Awesome,
191
00:08:46,346 --> 00:08:48,760
the bar is set pretty damn high.
192
00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:51,989
Look, I'm not saying what
I did was right, but...
193
00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:53,574
You're better off without her.
194
00:08:53,694 --> 00:08:56,076
And if Clarence the angel
says it's true, it must be true.
195
00:08:56,196 --> 00:08:58,279
You know what?
Fine, make your little jokes.
196
00:08:58,379 --> 00:09:00,381
Seriously,
why would you wear something like that?
197
00:09:00,481 --> 00:09:03,133
- Lots of reasons.
- I bet you can't name five.
198
00:09:03,253 --> 00:09:05,135
One, no need to wear
anything underneath.
199
00:09:05,235 --> 00:09:07,505
I can vouch for that.
Will you cross your legs, buddy?
200
00:09:07,605 --> 00:09:08,298
Two,
201
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:09,218
sexy.
202
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:12,426
I can vouch for that.
Will you uncross your legs, buddy?
203
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,766
Three, my Grandpa Olaf wore one
and he lived to be 107.
204
00:09:17,038 --> 00:09:20,680
Four, no elastic waistband leaving
its judgmental pink teeth marks
205
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,242
around my Thanksgiving belly.
And five,
206
00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:24,625
every night,
207
00:09:24,725 --> 00:09:27,204
when I go to sleep,
it's the freest,
208
00:09:27,664 --> 00:09:30,652
most wonderful feeling in the world.
I feel...
209
00:09:31,425 --> 00:09:32,725
like I'm flying.
210
00:09:38,517 --> 00:09:40,358
So that's how I go to bed every night,
211
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:41,686
happy.
212
00:09:41,893 --> 00:09:44,161
Weightless.
With a heart full of joy.
213
00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:45,557
What about you?
214
00:09:46,589 --> 00:09:50,470
I have to lie perfectly still
so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.
215
00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:53,680
But at least
I'm not wearing a dress.
216
00:09:56,191 --> 00:09:57,703
How mad are you?
217
00:09:58,051 --> 00:09:59,611
I don't know.
I mean...
218
00:09:59,731 --> 00:10:02,713
I guess if you guys feel
that strongly about Karen, then
219
00:10:02,911 --> 00:10:04,363
maybe it was for the best.
220
00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,025
I really am sorry.
221
00:10:06,145 --> 00:10:09,024
I hated doing that again,
but Karen had to go.
222
00:10:10,637 --> 00:10:11,450
Again?
223
00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:15,325
Wait. How many times have you
broken me up with a girlfriend?
224
00:10:15,445 --> 00:10:16,549
Never! Six.
225
00:10:17,118 --> 00:10:19,118
- Like who?
- No one! Angie.
226
00:10:20,669 --> 00:10:21,919
Sophomore year.
227
00:10:22,616 --> 00:10:25,358
She was just using you
to get back at her ex,
228
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,459
and you clearly didn't see it,
so...
229
00:10:28,321 --> 00:10:30,782
one day
when she was taking a nap...
230
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:46,600
Creed?
231
00:10:48,511 --> 00:10:51,061
Oh, my God,
I have to break up with her.
232
00:10:52,214 --> 00:10:54,367
So that's where my Creed CD went.
233
00:10:55,166 --> 00:10:56,232
Who else?
234
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:58,632
Remember that weird sci-fi girl
235
00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:01,669
who wanted you to propose after,
like, two months?
236
00:11:01,789 --> 00:11:05,330
You barely even liked her, but
you were still thinking about it, so...
237
00:11:08,364 --> 00:11:12,153
Listen, Ted, you're great,
and this is so difficult,
238
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:15,382
but I think we're looking
for different things.
239
00:11:16,461 --> 00:11:19,207
Live long and prosper.
Or whatever.
240
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:26,351
That was you?
241
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:30,318
- This is insane!
- Ted, I did those things to help you.
242
00:11:30,438 --> 00:11:32,317
You're a commitment junkie.
243
00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:35,736
You fall in love with these women,
even if they don't deserve you.
244
00:11:35,836 --> 00:11:38,431
What if one of those women was supposed
to be the mother of my children?
245
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:42,268
If there was ever the tiniest chance
of that, I swear I didn't do anything.
246
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:45,537
- Like with Victoria, or Stella...
- or Robin.
247
00:11:47,814 --> 00:11:48,898
Or Robin?
248
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:53,336
Did you break us up, too?
249
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,256
Did you brake us up, too?
250
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,924
Stop talking to me
like I'm your enemy!
251
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,140
You weep for these women,
but you have the luxury
252
00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:04,132
of not knowing what I know.
253
00:12:04,252 --> 00:12:06,071
That those breakups, while tragic,
254
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:10,527
probably saved you from a crappy
and very expensive first marriage.
255
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,189
Did you brake me and Robin up?
256
00:12:12,309 --> 00:12:13,599
You don't want the truth.
257
00:12:13,719 --> 00:12:16,857
Because deep down, you want me
out there watching out for you.
258
00:12:16,977 --> 00:12:18,442
And deep down, you know
259
00:12:18,562 --> 00:12:20,590
that none of those women
were ever gonna be
260
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,085
- the mother of your children.
- Did you brake me and Robin up?
261
00:12:23,185 --> 00:12:24,382
I do what I had to do.
262
00:12:24,502 --> 00:12:27,579
- Did you brake me and Robin up?
- You're damn right I did!
263
00:12:33,384 --> 00:12:36,004
Your grandpa Olaf was a wise man.
264
00:12:40,942 --> 00:12:42,634
You broke me and Robin up?
265
00:12:42,754 --> 00:12:44,464
- It's not...
- I cannot believe this.
266
00:12:44,584 --> 00:12:46,054
I need another drink.
267
00:12:46,539 --> 00:12:48,735
You know, I feel a little breeze
down there. It's nice.
268
00:12:49,005 --> 00:12:50,337
You think that's something?
269
00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:52,332
Stand over this heating vent.
270
00:12:52,452 --> 00:12:54,952
Like your junk is
on a tropical island.
271
00:12:56,807 --> 00:12:58,735
Little Barney says "Mahalo."
272
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:02,948
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
How could you do that?
273
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,109
I did it because I care about you!
274
00:13:05,229 --> 00:13:08,197
I am so glad
that is the one you watched!
275
00:13:08,709 --> 00:13:10,758
Dear God, what happened to you?
276
00:13:13,251 --> 00:13:15,001
You didn't watch my show?
277
00:13:15,290 --> 00:13:16,590
The show? Sorry.
278
00:13:17,306 --> 00:13:19,056
Something special happen?
279
00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,485
Same old, same old.
280
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:25,571
Lily just told us
that she broke you and me up.
281
00:13:25,691 --> 00:13:27,391
What?
Broke... broke us up?
282
00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:30,767
What does that even mean?
Why are these guys wearing nightgowns?
283
00:13:30,916 --> 00:13:33,052
- It's a nightshirt.
- It's called a nightshirt.
284
00:13:33,152 --> 00:13:35,174
Turns out Lily has taken
it upon herself
285
00:13:35,274 --> 00:13:38,242
to sabotage many of my relationships,
including ours.
286
00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:41,938
Robin was different. I didn't want
you two to break up, but
287
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,901
wanted completely different things
288
00:13:44,021 --> 00:13:46,493
out of life and refused
to deal with it.
289
00:13:46,613 --> 00:13:48,660
I could just picture
that front porch.
290
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:50,912
Two of hearts.
291
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:53,492
Just like the hearts of
the two children I never had
292
00:13:53,592 --> 00:13:55,792
because my lovely wife hates kids.
293
00:13:57,914 --> 00:13:58,836
A deuce.
294
00:13:59,021 --> 00:14:00,911
Exactly what my career dropped
295
00:14:01,031 --> 00:14:03,925
once I decided to settle down
and marry Ted.
296
00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:05,478
Bridge!
297
00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:06,470
I win.
298
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:10,898
I do not like that scenario one bit.
299
00:14:11,344 --> 00:14:14,853
All I tried to do was get you guys
to talk about your issues.
300
00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:19,162
I didn't know I was feeding you the
words that would lead to your breakup.
301
00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:22,360
Here's a fun question, just for fun.
302
00:14:22,941 --> 00:14:25,491
Where do you see yourself
in five years?
303
00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:28,623
You know what's fun?
Fun questions.
304
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,460
Where do you see yourself
in five years?
305
00:14:31,883 --> 00:14:33,716
Where do you see yourself
in five years?
306
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,358
Where do you see yourself?
307
00:14:35,478 --> 00:14:37,667
Not to put words in your mouth, but
308
00:14:38,123 --> 00:14:39,899
you probably want to be married.
309
00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:41,713
I probably want to be married.
310
00:14:41,833 --> 00:14:44,883
You probably want to be
in Tokyo or Paris.
311
00:14:45,369 --> 00:14:48,067
I probably want to be in Argentina.
312
00:14:48,465 --> 00:14:51,278
- Argentina?
- Or Tokyo, or Paris.
313
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,434
We have an expiration date,
don't we?
314
00:14:56,781 --> 00:14:59,558
You can't manipulate people
like that!
315
00:14:59,658 --> 00:15:01,696
I've known you 12 years
and I got honestly say
316
00:15:01,796 --> 00:15:03,812
I have never been more furious at you!
317
00:15:03,912 --> 00:15:07,438
- I didn't mean to... I was just...
- I don't even want to hear it!
318
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:09,433
Settle down!
Let's just settle down!
319
00:15:09,553 --> 00:15:11,589
Now, I have one question.
320
00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,470
What do these bad boys
feel like in bed?
321
00:15:13,570 --> 00:15:15,375
Come on. Let's go see.
322
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,084
So, if it weren't for you,
Ted and I might still be dating?
323
00:15:19,617 --> 00:15:22,992
Or you would have stayed together
far too long, had
324
00:15:23,112 --> 00:15:26,888
an incredibly bitter breakup and
not even remained friends, and
325
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:29,678
then you and I would never
have become best friends.
326
00:15:29,798 --> 00:15:31,555
Don't even say that.
327
00:15:32,946 --> 00:15:34,096
Stop hugging!
328
00:15:35,529 --> 00:15:38,541
You had no right to interfere
in my relationships.
329
00:15:38,661 --> 00:15:39,875
You got lucky.
330
00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:42,691
You met the love of your life
in a dorm hallway when you were 18.
331
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:44,919
But that doesn't give you
the right to play God
332
00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:48,196
to the rest of us mortals down here
who are still looking for someone.
333
00:15:48,296 --> 00:15:49,594
You're so concerned about
334
00:15:49,694 --> 00:15:52,101
who you and Marshall are gonna end up
on that front porch with.
335
00:15:52,221 --> 00:15:55,089
You know what?
You can have it to yourselves.
336
00:16:00,848 --> 00:16:02,498
What happened to your jacket?
337
00:16:02,815 --> 00:16:04,853
Soot, bread crumbs, placenta.
338
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,632
Did you at least TiVo it?
339
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:13,836
You're this comfy every night,
and Lily still has sex with you?
340
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,586
That's what marriage is all about,
unconditional love.
341
00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,756
You can wear whatever you want
and still get laid.
342
00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:23,220
Tell me more about being married.
343
00:16:23,737 --> 00:16:24,737
Sometimes,
344
00:16:25,121 --> 00:16:26,393
when you're married,
345
00:16:26,513 --> 00:16:29,321
you wake up to the smell
of breakfast already on the table.
346
00:16:29,441 --> 00:16:31,795
- And coffee, too?
- And coffee, too.
347
00:16:32,147 --> 00:16:34,854
Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase
348
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,566
- of freshly cut flowers.
- I love flowers.
349
00:16:39,975 --> 00:16:41,133
And sometimes,
350
00:16:41,233 --> 00:16:43,609
when you're worried you've made all
the wrong decisions in life
351
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:45,647
and you're not nearly the man
you want to be,
352
00:16:45,952 --> 00:16:47,552
what does she do then?
353
00:16:48,493 --> 00:16:50,250
She tells you that you're great
354
00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:52,052
and it's all gonna be okay.
355
00:16:52,348 --> 00:16:53,698
That's wonderful.
356
00:16:55,044 --> 00:16:58,688
And she'll help you find other girls
to have sex with?
357
00:17:02,016 --> 00:17:05,845
I guess. Maybe if you agreed
upon that beforehand.
358
00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:09,852
Little guy had a big day.
359
00:17:10,668 --> 00:17:13,818
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Sweet dreams, slugger.
360
00:17:29,133 --> 00:17:31,746
The next night, I was still angry
at your aunt Lily.
361
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:32,869
Until...
362
00:17:35,717 --> 00:17:36,967
What are you...
363
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,210
Lily came by
and explained everything.
364
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,762
And she gave me this note for you.
365
00:17:49,265 --> 00:17:50,611
Ted, I'm sorry.
366
00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:55,159
It doesn't matter to me who you marry.
I know they'll be awesome
367
00:17:55,279 --> 00:17:57,012
because they'll think you are.
368
00:17:57,132 --> 00:17:59,737
To show I mean it,
I put together a little surprise
369
00:17:59,857 --> 00:18:01,496
for you and Karen upstairs.
370
00:18:01,817 --> 00:18:02,836
Love, Lily.
371
00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:05,865
P.S. Sorry the envelope
was already open.
372
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,635
I had to read what she wrote.
373
00:18:07,755 --> 00:18:08,557
Marshall.
374
00:18:09,811 --> 00:18:11,382
Sabotaging our relationship?
375
00:18:11,502 --> 00:18:15,236
I got to say, even using the
specially-ordered extra-low bar by
376
00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:18,855
which I judge your friends,
Lily really outdid herself this time.
377
00:18:18,975 --> 00:18:21,445
Obviously, we can't
ever see her again.
378
00:18:21,565 --> 00:18:23,810
I know.
It's a big loss, right?
379
00:18:28,385 --> 00:18:30,635
Remember your old college roommate?
380
00:18:31,347 --> 00:18:34,696
He was married to that
shrill little idiot girl.
381
00:18:37,828 --> 00:18:40,744
- It's been so long.
- God, I hated him.
382
00:18:41,566 --> 00:18:43,466
Anyway, here's his obituary.
383
00:18:45,551 --> 00:18:47,437
And I realized, maybe
it shouldn't matter what
384
00:18:47,557 --> 00:18:49,169
my friends think of my girlfriend,
385
00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:53,810
But it sure as hell matters what
my girlfriend thinks of my friends.
386
00:18:54,735 --> 00:18:56,035
So you ended it?
387
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,450
So if you want to be my plus one,
388
00:19:00,570 --> 00:19:02,270
Lily's a damn good cook.
389
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:07,933
Beef pot pie, mac and cheese,
homemade buttermilk biscuits.
390
00:19:08,419 --> 00:19:10,419
No wonder Marshall dies at 68.
391
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:16,526
So, Robin and I
enjoyed a gourmet dinner.
392
00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:18,572
Well, for her it was breakfast.
393
00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:22,273
And we ended up doing exactly
what Lily wanted us to do all along,
394
00:19:22,393 --> 00:19:24,457
we talked about our relationship.
395
00:19:25,899 --> 00:19:28,374
So, Lily broke us up, sort of.
396
00:19:30,883 --> 00:19:32,633
Kind of makes you wonder.
397
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,926
If it weren't for her, would we
still be dating right now?
398
00:19:38,648 --> 00:19:39,448
Maybe.
399
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:42,858
But Lily was right.
400
00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:44,640
We weren't ready.
401
00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:47,251
We both need to move on,
do our own thing.
402
00:19:48,162 --> 00:19:49,722
Still do, I guess.
403
00:19:52,584 --> 00:19:54,184
We should make a pact.
404
00:19:54,605 --> 00:19:58,947
If the years go by, and we both
turn 40, and we're still single...
405
00:20:08,345 --> 00:20:10,083
Will you be my backup wife?
406
00:20:11,453 --> 00:20:14,493
A girl always dreams
of hearing those words.
407
00:20:15,084 --> 00:20:16,631
A million times, yes!
408
00:20:24,538 --> 00:20:26,188
All right, It's a deal.
409
00:20:28,024 --> 00:20:30,046
So, should we set up some
ground rules for this?
410
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:31,500
- Like what?
- I don't know.
411
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,900
Like neither one of us can get
super fat. Stuff like that.
412
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,274
I only have one,
you can't wear a nightshirt.
413
00:20:36,394 --> 00:20:39,279
- I will never wear a nightshirt.
- Thank God.
414
00:20:56,703 --> 00:20:57,761
Never mind.
32160
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
