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1
00:00:01,530 --> 00:00:02,892
Why do we fight?
2
00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,988
What does that thing
deep within each of us,
3
00:00:05,062 --> 00:00:08,024
that compels us to settle
disagreements with our fists?
4
00:00:08,389 --> 00:00:11,254
Whatever it is,
it's there right from the beginning.
5
00:00:12,166 --> 00:00:14,029
- Stop fighting!
- Why?
6
00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,525
Because it's stupid
and juvenile.
7
00:00:16,695 --> 00:00:19,225
We're six.
We are stupid and juvenile.
8
00:00:22,701 --> 00:00:25,099
Kids, I've only been
in one fight in my life.
9
00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:27,247
And this is the story
of how it happened.
10
00:00:27,417 --> 00:00:29,885
Now, as you know,
I recently had been left at the altar.
11
00:00:30,055 --> 00:00:32,129
And the worst thing
about getting left at the altar?
12
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,635
I mean, aside from
actually getting left at the altar,
13
00:00:34,805 --> 00:00:36,134
was what came next.
14
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:39,626
A steady unrelenting
unbearable stream of pity.
15
00:00:40,189 --> 00:00:42,052
Cranberry Gin and tonic.
16
00:00:44,757 --> 00:00:45,982
Scotch and soda.
17
00:00:48,437 --> 00:00:49,411
Thank you.
18
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,017
Could I see a menu?
19
00:00:55,861 --> 00:00:57,809
I'm going to go get you a menu...
20
00:00:58,049 --> 00:00:59,393
but I promise you
21
00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:01,414
I will come back.
22
00:01:04,592 --> 00:01:06,770
We have to start
going someplace else.
23
00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:08,359
At this bar,
I'm always going to be
24
00:01:08,483 --> 00:01:11,417
the guy who got left at
the altar. That sucks!
25
00:01:11,862 --> 00:01:13,041
Good times.
26
00:01:13,909 --> 00:01:15,474
- We lost Barney.
- What do you mean?
27
00:01:15,644 --> 00:01:17,848
There's a girl over there
in a tight red sweater.
28
00:01:18,018 --> 00:01:20,056
So he's not listening
to a word anyone's saying.
29
00:01:20,226 --> 00:01:20,926
Right, Barney?
30
00:01:21,059 --> 00:01:22,342
Give me a break!
31
00:01:22,764 --> 00:01:23,824
See, he figured out a while back
32
00:01:23,901 --> 00:01:25,500
he could fake an entire conversation
33
00:01:25,561 --> 00:01:28,580
just by saying titles of black sitcoms
from the 70's and 80's.
34
00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:29,999
What's happening?
35
00:01:31,411 --> 00:01:33,426
Want to go upstairs and do stuff to me
36
00:01:33,499 --> 00:01:35,188
that I won't even let Marshall do?
37
00:01:35,852 --> 00:01:37,891
Different strokes.
38
00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:41,063
What the hell is this?!
39
00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:42,944
I've told you kids about Doug, right?
40
00:01:43,114 --> 00:01:44,828
I haven't?
Oh, well...
41
00:01:45,537 --> 00:01:47,586
Doug Martin was a bartender
at MacLaren's.
42
00:01:47,756 --> 00:01:49,411
He was always kind of around.
43
00:01:49,581 --> 00:01:51,441
- Have... you met Ted?
- What?
44
00:01:51,504 --> 00:01:52,661
We're not playing
"Have you met Ted?".
45
00:01:52,782 --> 00:01:53,725
Am I dead?
46
00:01:54,818 --> 00:01:55,754
Am I dead?
47
00:01:56,272 --> 00:01:57,313
Tonight...
48
00:01:57,925 --> 00:01:59,388
I pick up a lesbian.
49
00:01:59,558 --> 00:02:02,245
Anyway, three things
you need to know about Doug.
50
00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:04,933
The first thing is that Doug
had a bit of a violent streak.
51
00:02:05,028 --> 00:02:06,603
...just crumbled,
so he's on the ground, right?
52
00:02:06,773 --> 00:02:10,085
And we're just kicking him!
He's making that face, all shaking.
53
00:02:11,076 --> 00:02:14,014
So, anyway, what we did
was we left him there.
54
00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:15,997
Top you off?
55
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:20,006
The second thing is that
he was weird about his hair.
56
00:02:21,044 --> 00:02:21,807
What?
57
00:02:22,233 --> 00:02:23,008
What?
58
00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:25,180
Are you looking at my hair?
59
00:02:25,598 --> 00:02:27,254
No, sir. I was not.
60
00:02:28,253 --> 00:02:29,378
It's a toupee.
61
00:02:31,029 --> 00:02:32,931
Is that funny?
You want to laugh it up?
62
00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:34,371
Is it funny, guy?
Is it?
63
00:02:34,541 --> 00:02:36,037
I'll tell you what, why don't you,
why don't you grab it?
64
00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:37,494
- Excuse me?
- Go ahead, grab it.
65
00:02:37,664 --> 00:02:39,783
Grab it right off my head.
Go ahead.
66
00:02:40,429 --> 00:02:42,093
You don't want to grab it?
Come on.
67
00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,726
Come on, go ahead
and grab it.
68
00:02:43,896 --> 00:02:47,169
Want to grab it off my head?
Grab my toupee right off my head.
69
00:02:52,584 --> 00:02:54,132
I like you guys!
70
00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:58,195
But the third thing is that
he was very loyal to his regulars.
71
00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:01,216
There they are!
Hey, you guys want your booth?
72
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,027
We're fine over here.
73
00:03:03,197 --> 00:03:04,710
Maybe a little too loyal.
74
00:03:04,806 --> 00:03:06,168
No, it's fine.
75
00:03:06,338 --> 00:03:08,574
Okay, you two lovebirds!
Let's take this somewhere else...
76
00:03:08,714 --> 00:03:09,966
booth's reserved.
77
00:03:10,645 --> 00:03:12,382
Let's go! Now! Come on!
78
00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,196
Let's see some hustle, Father.
Up you get.
79
00:03:14,272 --> 00:03:16,698
Okay, guys, here we are!
80
00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:18,148
So, that's Doug.
81
00:03:18,384 --> 00:03:19,766
What the hell is this?!
82
00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:21,440
Well, some guys
are sitting in our booth.
83
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:23,348
But you know what?
This is fine.
84
00:03:26,885 --> 00:03:28,757
Let's go, I'll take care of it.
85
00:03:29,106 --> 00:03:30,997
Oh boy, there he goes.
86
00:03:38,537 --> 00:03:40,843
Ladies, if you'll please adjourn
to your usual booth.
87
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,305
Gentlemen, I will require
your assistance outside.
88
00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:44,511
Our assistance with what?
89
00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:47,066
We're going to go out in the alley
and fight those guys.
90
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:48,969
What's happening now?
91
00:03:49,721 --> 00:03:51,134
Traduction : MiniBen314, Kabaka,
Eomyn et Lino72
92
00:03:51,304 --> 00:03:53,120
Synchro : Mickeyte
93
00:03:53,228 --> 00:03:55,771
Relecture : MiniBen314
Transcript : www.yyets.net
94
00:03:55,941 --> 00:03:59,737
How I Met Your Mother
4x10 - The Fight
95
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,362
par la "Have You Met Team"
pour www.forom.com
96
00:04:03,502 --> 00:04:05,104
I'm sorry, did you just say
we were gonna...
97
00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:07,798
Those guys are being
inconsiderate, okay?
98
00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:09,180
So we're going to go outside
99
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,174
and cave in their skulls, okay?
This will be fun!
100
00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:16,915
He wants us to fight?
Like...
101
00:04:17,085 --> 00:04:18,921
Like, with our hands and stuff?
102
00:04:19,091 --> 00:04:21,749
And feet maybe?
I don't know what the rules are.
103
00:04:22,265 --> 00:04:24,577
A fight. Should we go out there?
104
00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:25,625
Come on, Ted.
105
00:04:25,795 --> 00:04:27,743
There's only three things
you'll ever see me fight:
106
00:04:27,913 --> 00:04:29,803
the stubborn clasp of a bra,
107
00:04:30,193 --> 00:04:32,803
sexual harassment charges...
nine for nine...
108
00:04:34,154 --> 00:04:37,688
And the urge to vomit when I see
someone wearing brown shoes
109
00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,212
with a black suit.
110
00:04:41,546 --> 00:04:44,191
Dude, fighting is for losers.
We're civilized guys.
111
00:04:44,297 --> 00:04:47,111
Civilized guys don't fight.
Unless it's with lightsabers.
112
00:04:47,213 --> 00:04:49,091
But that's like three
to five years away, so...
113
00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:50,743
Well, that's not true.
114
00:04:50,965 --> 00:04:52,753
Robin, I'm on the forums every day.
115
00:04:52,849 --> 00:04:54,337
Three to five Thanksgivings from now,
116
00:04:54,373 --> 00:04:56,995
I'm going to be carving
the turkey with Old Green.
117
00:04:58,093 --> 00:05:00,607
No, I'm saying there are plenty
of legitimate reasons
118
00:05:00,721 --> 00:05:02,923
to get in a fight...
it might not be pretty,
119
00:05:03,093 --> 00:05:05,791
but in certain situations,
you gotta do what you gotta do.
120
00:05:05,893 --> 00:05:08,560
Right, I forgot.
She thinks fighting's sexy.
121
00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:11,038
No, I do not! A lot...
122
00:05:12,466 --> 00:05:14,382
Look, I come from a culture
of hockey players.
123
00:05:14,454 --> 00:05:18,240
If a guy can throw down,
it's somewhat way hot.
124
00:05:18,938 --> 00:05:20,914
And scars, hello!
125
00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:23,342
If a guy's got a scar,
he's got a Robin.
126
00:05:23,512 --> 00:05:26,176
And if he's missing teeth?
I'm missing my pants.
127
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,716
I'm missing my wisdom teeth.
128
00:05:30,616 --> 00:05:32,134
Outpatient procedure.
129
00:05:32,392 --> 00:05:35,626
Local anesthesia.
Whatever. It ain't a thing.
130
00:05:37,081 --> 00:05:38,640
Look, maybe we should go out there.
131
00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:41,898
I can't believe we're even having
this discussion.
132
00:05:42,515 --> 00:05:45,407
You're 30;
you're too old to act like this.
133
00:05:45,577 --> 00:05:48,718
I was 30 and in those 30 years
I'd been punched once.
134
00:05:49,237 --> 00:05:51,421
There's a very simple explana...
135
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,311
There was that thing at camp.
136
00:05:53,431 --> 00:05:56,457
Today, we're going to braid
friendship bracelets.
137
00:05:57,507 --> 00:05:59,835
In college, I studied some Kung Fu.
138
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,815
And well, there was
some other stuff.
139
00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:13,920
The thing with the goat wasn't
for another few months.
140
00:06:14,568 --> 00:06:16,338
The point is,
I had never been in a fight.
141
00:06:16,508 --> 00:06:17,798
I'm going out there.
142
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,046
Dude, listen to me,
143
00:06:19,216 --> 00:06:21,788
please, trust me, I've been
in plenty of fights. It's...
144
00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:23,656
really nothing to be proud of.
145
00:06:23,826 --> 00:06:25,732
Who did you get in a fight with?
146
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,250
My brothers.
147
00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:32,764
I'm sure that was quite a rumble
in the Eriksen rumpus room.
148
00:06:33,916 --> 00:06:37,216
- I love brotherly horseplay!
- Here comes the tickle monster!
149
00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:38,968
Noogie patrol!
150
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:42,442
Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies!
151
00:06:43,294 --> 00:06:44,326
Cocoa break.
152
00:06:48,438 --> 00:06:49,566
Cocoa break.
153
00:06:51,741 --> 00:06:53,193
It's clobbering time.
154
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,734
Ted, don't do this.
155
00:06:54,904 --> 00:06:57,672
You're a nice guy.
That's your best quality.
156
00:06:57,842 --> 00:06:58,654
Is it?
157
00:06:58,824 --> 00:07:01,266
'Cause I seem to rember this nice guy
getting dumped by his fianc�e
158
00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,976
for a Tae Kwon Do instructor.
159
00:07:03,295 --> 00:07:05,099
Look, this may
sound crazy, but I...
160
00:07:05,269 --> 00:07:06,132
I think I need to do this.
161
00:07:06,302 --> 00:07:09,082
I think this is an experience
I need to have.
162
00:07:09,824 --> 00:07:10,781
I'm going.
163
00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:15,973
Me, too!
164
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:19,430
Guys...
165
00:07:19,694 --> 00:07:21,295
take a good look at this face,
166
00:07:21,465 --> 00:07:22,608
because the next time you see it,
167
00:07:22,778 --> 00:07:26,127
it will be disfigured
in the hottest possible way.
168
00:07:26,627 --> 00:07:29,229
Because that's who I am...
I'm a man.
169
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:33,218
I like to fight and mix it up
and get all dirty.
170
00:07:34,430 --> 00:07:36,705
Can you find
a wood hanger for this?
171
00:07:41,446 --> 00:07:43,695
- What happened here?
- I know, right?!
172
00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:46,106
Who's not looking at my toupee now?!
173
00:07:46,523 --> 00:07:47,704
Look what we did to these guys!
174
00:07:47,874 --> 00:07:49,336
- "We?"
- Yeah, "we."
175
00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:51,407
Come on, man,
we're a good team.
176
00:07:51,652 --> 00:07:53,188
Nice work boys! We did it!
177
00:07:53,358 --> 00:07:55,980
No you did it.
We didn't do anything.
178
00:07:57,897 --> 00:08:00,292
Sure, I just beat up
three guys by myself.
179
00:08:00,739 --> 00:08:03,667
You guys. That's good.
You and you...
180
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,605
free drinks for life.
181
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,952
He thinks we were in this fight
with him.
182
00:08:13,122 --> 00:08:15,344
We were
in this fight with him.
183
00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:17,835
And now we are going to go in there
and tell everyone
184
00:08:17,921 --> 00:08:20,897
the legendary tale
of how we beat up some guys.
185
00:08:20,988 --> 00:08:22,650
And everyone is going to think
it's great
186
00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:24,622
and everyone is going to sleep with me
again.
187
00:08:24,746 --> 00:08:27,242
Dude, come on, no one is gonna
believe we were in a fight...
188
00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:29,277
- look at us.
- That's a good...
189
00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:31,752
What are you doing?!
190
00:08:31,798 --> 00:08:33,608
What I should've done a long time ago.
191
00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:34,748
- What?
- I don't know,
192
00:08:34,810 --> 00:08:37,841
I just hit myself in the eye!
I don't even know what I'm saying...
193
00:08:39,565 --> 00:08:41,641
I throw an awesome right hook,
by the way.
194
00:08:41,811 --> 00:08:42,781
Okay, are you ready?
195
00:08:42,951 --> 00:08:44,725
- To go back in?
- No, for this.
196
00:08:47,581 --> 00:08:49,408
God! You just punched me in the nose!
197
00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,388
- Are you crying?
- Yes, I'm crying!
198
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,394
You just punched me in the nose!
199
00:08:54,019 --> 00:08:56,496
That's going to swell up real good.
You're going to look like Owen Wilson.
200
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:57,554
Okay, let's get back in there.
201
00:08:57,631 --> 00:09:00,434
Okay, but just, let's just play
this down, okay?
202
00:09:00,604 --> 00:09:03,046
I don't want this to turn
into a big thing.
203
00:09:04,030 --> 00:09:05,432
And Ted comes
and takes his shoe off!
204
00:09:05,542 --> 00:09:07,062
Hits him in the mouth...
205
00:09:07,232 --> 00:09:10,155
Hey, there they are!
The guys that got my back!
206
00:09:22,974 --> 00:09:25,653
You two got in a fight.
Really?
207
00:09:26,646 --> 00:09:28,167
Barney punched me
and himself in the face
208
00:09:28,244 --> 00:09:29,511
to make it look like we got in a fight.
209
00:09:29,631 --> 00:09:31,075
Come on, Marshall!
210
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:34,224
Look at your eye.
211
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,370
You look like a badass.
212
00:09:37,157 --> 00:09:39,840
I'm surprised to see you had it in me.
You.
213
00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:41,645
Had it in you.
214
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,757
Do you...
215
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:45,973
want to touch it?
216
00:09:49,775 --> 00:09:51,421
Oh, my God, it's warm!
217
00:09:53,053 --> 00:09:55,043
Hey! Victory drinks!
218
00:09:56,032 --> 00:10:00,104
Free!
219
00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:01,440
$7.50.
220
00:10:02,625 --> 00:10:03,854
Why do I have to pay?
221
00:10:04,024 --> 00:10:05,656
'Cause you don't got my back.
222
00:10:06,319 --> 00:10:08,388
- These guys got my back.
- You know what, Doug?
223
00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,003
I will gladly pay.
And you know why?
224
00:10:10,099 --> 00:10:11,544
Because that's what grownups do.
225
00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:14,317
They pay for their drinks,
and they don't get into fights.
226
00:10:14,487 --> 00:10:16,590
You know what I was doing, while you
guys were out there being immature?
227
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,069
- I'll tell you what I was doing.
- Your nails?
228
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:21,887
- I was doing...
- The relationship quiz
229
00:10:21,976 --> 00:10:23,440
in this month's Cosmo?
230
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,114
- I was doing...
- Your best not to cry
231
00:10:26,181 --> 00:10:29,333
when Big came back for Carrie at
the end of the Sex and the Citymovie?
232
00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:30,843
Spoilers much?
233
00:10:31,553 --> 00:10:34,203
- I'll tell you what I was doing...
- The captain of the football team
234
00:10:34,284 --> 00:10:35,571
because he gave you his promise ring
235
00:10:35,624 --> 00:10:38,726
and you look so pretty
in your open back Homecoming dress?
236
00:10:41,577 --> 00:10:42,383
Sorry.
237
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,588
I hate those guys!
238
00:10:45,866 --> 00:10:48,487
Acting like they're the manliest
guys in the universe,
239
00:10:48,657 --> 00:10:51,177
like they're Crocodile
Dundee and David Hasselhoff.
240
00:10:51,619 --> 00:10:53,630
Those are the manliest guys
in the universe?
241
00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:56,466
I don't understand why they're getting
all this attention. I mean,
242
00:10:56,636 --> 00:10:58,367
I'm the real hero here.
243
00:10:58,537 --> 00:11:00,385
- Yeah, you are.
- I'm serious, woman.
244
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,104
Put it back in your pants.
245
00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:07,531
You're the man every boy
should grow up to become
246
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,622
and every girl should marry.
247
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:11,843
You know what?
248
00:11:12,013 --> 00:11:14,452
I have two kids in my class
who won't stop fighting.
249
00:11:14,622 --> 00:11:16,427
If you come to school tomorrow and
250
00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:19,265
tell them your story of choosing
the path of nonviolence,
251
00:11:19,435 --> 00:11:21,396
it might really set them straight.
252
00:11:21,566 --> 00:11:24,720
And save me having to get up early
to make a lesson plan.
253
00:11:25,637 --> 00:11:26,597
All right.
254
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,147
I'll set them straight.
255
00:11:29,377 --> 00:11:31,383
- You're a wuss.
- What?
256
00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:36,485
Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala
are telling you kids this story
257
00:11:36,586 --> 00:11:39,389
- to illustrate...
- To illustrate that you're a wuss?
258
00:11:39,735 --> 00:11:41,854
Why didn't you just fight those guys?
259
00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:44,446
- Were you scared?
- What?
260
00:11:46,521 --> 00:11:48,043
I wasn't scared!
261
00:11:48,379 --> 00:11:50,112
I've been in plenty of fights, okay?
262
00:11:50,237 --> 00:11:51,442
You're huge!
263
00:11:51,612 --> 00:11:53,968
You must weigh like a thousand pounds.
264
00:11:56,147 --> 00:11:59,238
First of all,
I'm wearing a baggy sweater,
265
00:11:59,487 --> 00:12:01,671
and it has horizontal stripes.
266
00:12:01,841 --> 00:12:03,690
And I also...
and I had a salty lunch...
267
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,007
And so I'm retain...
You know what? Shut up!
268
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:07,550
Wuss!
269
00:12:14,796 --> 00:12:15,854
So,
270
00:12:16,011 --> 00:12:17,950
you just beat those guys up?
271
00:12:18,348 --> 00:12:19,161
Just?
272
00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:23,431
Amanda, were it so simple.
You see,
273
00:12:23,921 --> 00:12:26,196
hand to hand combat is about
so much more than just
274
00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:28,954
administering brute force
on your opponent, right B?
275
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,733
- You know it!
- It's a science.
276
00:12:32,729 --> 00:12:34,832
The sweet science,
as it were.
277
00:12:35,092 --> 00:12:38,327
Wait, I'm confused,
what did those guys do to deserve it?
278
00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,919
Well, this may sound petty,
279
00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,267
- but they sat in our booth.
- They sat in our booth.
280
00:12:44,437 --> 00:12:46,099
- And nobody...
- Nobody.
281
00:12:46,269 --> 00:12:47,623
Sits in our booth.
282
00:12:51,877 --> 00:12:54,174
Are you going to beat those guys up?
283
00:12:58,369 --> 00:13:00,983
Yes, we are going to beat
those guys up. Ted, come on.
284
00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,936
You two.
Our booth.
285
00:13:07,106 --> 00:13:09,918
- Get out. Now!
- What are you doing?
286
00:13:10,088 --> 00:13:11,822
Relax, we got Doug.
Big Doug's got our backs.
287
00:13:11,919 --> 00:13:13,727
Yeah, Doug's not here tonight.
288
00:13:14,237 --> 00:13:15,362
Can I get you guys anything?
289
00:13:15,532 --> 00:13:17,499
Drinks? Cash?
Those two girls over there?
290
00:13:18,437 --> 00:13:19,855
Are you Ted Mosby?
291
00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:23,792
- Yeah, I am.
- And you're Barney Stinson?
292
00:13:23,962 --> 00:13:25,342
They've heard of us.
293
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:29,940
It's cool, guys. We'll let you leave
with your asses unkicked.
294
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,956
This time.
A'ight?
295
00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:37,259
- What's... what's this?
- You've been served.
296
00:13:37,429 --> 00:13:39,313
You're being sued for assault.
297
00:13:40,014 --> 00:13:41,439
Enjoy your booth.
298
00:13:47,379 --> 00:13:48,692
That was close.
299
00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:55,292
Assault!
They're suing us for assault!
300
00:13:55,413 --> 00:13:57,715
Okay, well, what's the penalty
for assault?
301
00:13:57,852 --> 00:13:59,491
What, do I have to pay a fine?
302
00:13:59,661 --> 00:14:01,010
Pick up trash on the highway?
303
00:14:01,104 --> 00:14:03,407
'Cause I've done that before,
know what I mean?
304
00:14:03,702 --> 00:14:04,720
I don't know.
305
00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:05,950
Actually, he did know
306
00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:08,550
that the worst we were looking at
was a small civil settlement,
307
00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:10,269
and probably no criminal charges.
308
00:14:10,439 --> 00:14:11,935
But he was really pissed at us.
309
00:14:12,055 --> 00:14:15,179
I mean, you guys could be looking at
some serious prison time.
310
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,518
- Prison?!
- I can't go to prison!
311
00:14:18,196 --> 00:14:19,851
I mean, I could get a lot
of reading done,
312
00:14:20,021 --> 00:14:21,980
finally write some short stories.
313
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,493
Work out all the time.
314
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,734
Seriously, if I don't come out
of there completely ripped...
315
00:14:26,159 --> 00:14:28,097
We can't go to prison!
316
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,254
People get shivved in the joint!
317
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,451
Plus the meals are really starchy.
318
00:14:34,019 --> 00:14:37,828
Well, you guys should have thought
of that before you beat up those guys.
319
00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:41,078
What if we didn't?
320
00:14:41,486 --> 00:14:43,195
- Didn't what, Ted?
- Didn't beat up those guys.
321
00:14:43,365 --> 00:14:45,151
What if Doug beat up those guys all
by himself
322
00:14:45,237 --> 00:14:47,124
- and we didn't do anything?
- I knew it!
323
00:14:47,294 --> 00:14:49,216
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
324
00:14:49,476 --> 00:14:54,169
- You guys didn't throw a single punch.
- Well, I hit Ted and myself, so...
325
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,471
Well, who's the wuss now?
Answer:
326
00:14:57,641 --> 00:14:58,447
You guys.
327
00:14:58,617 --> 00:15:00,443
Look, can you just help us
get out of this?
328
00:15:00,529 --> 00:15:03,374
You know the old expression:
If you're not prepared to do the time
329
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,764
don't pretend to do the crime and laugh
330
00:15:05,831 --> 00:15:09,431
and get free drinks and not stand up
for your friend who, incidentally,
331
00:15:09,556 --> 00:15:12,497
has been in plenty of fights
with his brothers.
332
00:15:14,442 --> 00:15:16,573
Look, you've got to help us out,
Marshall.
333
00:15:16,743 --> 00:15:18,903
We're the Three Musketeers!
334
00:15:19,561 --> 00:15:21,916
If I give up Ted,
how much time am I looking at?
335
00:15:27,813 --> 00:15:29,526
I've been looking for you.
336
00:15:30,117 --> 00:15:33,207
I got... tickets to this hockey game
tonight. It's stupid.
337
00:15:33,697 --> 00:15:34,719
You want to go?
338
00:15:34,889 --> 00:15:37,527
It might go kind of late, so,
maybe, after the game
339
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:38,829
we can grab a drink.
340
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:41,221
Get this.
You know that fight?
341
00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:43,933
These guys faked the whole thing.
342
00:15:51,236 --> 00:15:53,454
I forgot!
Tonight is no good.
343
00:15:53,624 --> 00:15:57,584
I can't go to that hockey game
tonight, I got that...
344
00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:18,639
Good news...
I talked to the guys.
345
00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:20,782
- What guys?
- The guys you didn't beat up.
346
00:16:20,952 --> 00:16:22,867
They agreed to drop the lawsuit.
347
00:16:23,291 --> 00:16:24,368
Lawyered.
348
00:16:24,468 --> 00:16:26,069
What? They agreed to drop it?
349
00:16:26,239 --> 00:16:28,956
I just explained that you two
are wusses.
350
00:16:29,225 --> 00:16:31,879
We had a good laugh about that.
A good long laugh, actually.
351
00:16:32,049 --> 00:16:34,924
I explained how you get a
mani/pedi once a month.
352
00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:37,560
Weekly, Wolverine...
some of us care.
353
00:16:38,116 --> 00:16:40,576
And how you played
the hammer dulcimer
354
00:16:40,658 --> 00:16:43,076
in the Pre-Reformation Dance
Society at Wesleyan.
355
00:16:43,484 --> 00:16:45,183
Did you at least tell them
we were one of
356
00:16:45,274 --> 00:16:48,037
the premier Medieval chamber groups
in the Little Ivies?
357
00:16:48,251 --> 00:16:49,081
I did.
358
00:16:49,403 --> 00:16:51,015
And we all agreed
it was much more likely that
359
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,460
one guy beat up the three of them
360
00:16:52,518 --> 00:16:54,980
than that you two had anything
to do with it, so...
361
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,268
Wait, so...
362
00:16:57,590 --> 00:16:59,942
- so now they're only suing Doug.
- Affirmative.
363
00:17:00,824 --> 00:17:02,302
Angry, irrational,
364
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,265
violent Doug,
365
00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:07,462
who now knows we were the ones
who threw him under the bus.
366
00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:09,508
They what?!
367
00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:13,494
- Look, Doug, we can explain...
- Explain what?
368
00:17:13,818 --> 00:17:16,733
Explain how you stabbed me
in the back right to my face?
369
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,204
Robin, I'm scared.
370
00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:20,098
Is Doug seeing anyone?
371
00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,668
Are you seeing anyone?
You really should.
372
00:17:23,078 --> 00:17:24,877
Doug, look, you don't understand,
373
00:17:25,047 --> 00:17:27,202
you beat up those guys all by yourself.
374
00:17:27,372 --> 00:17:30,679
It's true, all right? They had nothing
to do with it. I mean...
375
00:17:31,399 --> 00:17:32,754
look at these two.
376
00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:35,605
It was all Ted!
377
00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:40,012
- Look at this guy.
- Yeah, look at me!
378
00:17:40,047 --> 00:17:41,857
He wouldn't last 5 minutes in a fight.
379
00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:43,209
I think I could last at least five...
380
00:17:43,265 --> 00:17:45,782
He's got the muscle definition
of linguini.
381
00:17:46,829 --> 00:17:49,420
Linguini with meatballs maybe...
check it.
382
00:17:51,084 --> 00:17:52,274
- Look!
- Don't.
383
00:17:52,994 --> 00:17:55,020
Okay, you know what,
maybe it was
384
00:17:55,190 --> 00:17:56,971
ust me. Actually, you know what,
that makes a lot of sense.
385
00:17:57,048 --> 00:17:58,540
I tend to black out a lot.
386
00:17:58,665 --> 00:18:01,104
Anyway, look,
I always got your back.
387
00:18:01,987 --> 00:18:03,749
All I ask in return
is that you got mine.
388
00:18:03,919 --> 00:18:05,208
But you know what?
389
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:06,548
You don't.
390
00:18:07,306 --> 00:18:08,866
You can't be counted on.
391
00:18:10,028 --> 00:18:11,976
No wonder your fianc�e left you.
392
00:18:12,677 --> 00:18:15,934
And here it is, kids,
the only fight I've ever been in.
393
00:18:16,104 --> 00:18:18,465
So what can I share
about the experience?
394
00:18:20,813 --> 00:18:23,766
Well, for starters,
when you punch someone in the face,
395
00:18:24,715 --> 00:18:26,262
it hurts your hand...
396
00:18:27,211 --> 00:18:27,984
a lot.
397
00:18:30,301 --> 00:18:32,427
But what hurts even more than that?
398
00:18:33,365 --> 00:18:34,159
This.
399
00:18:35,525 --> 00:18:38,090
And the next thing I remember
was waking up.
400
00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:41,922
I'm all warmed up.
Let's do this thing.
401
00:18:42,768 --> 00:18:45,775
Turns out getting in a fight
was a terrible idea.
402
00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:47,583
And that's my story.
403
00:18:47,838 --> 00:18:49,534
And what did you learn?
404
00:18:49,811 --> 00:18:53,464
Well, I learned that fighting is bad
405
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,325
and you shouldn't do it ever.
406
00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:58,163
Any questions?
407
00:19:00,037 --> 00:19:02,115
Where do you find these people?
408
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:05,752
I know! Was there a big sale
at the wuss market?
409
00:19:05,922 --> 00:19:07,991
Wuss!
410
00:19:08,823 --> 00:19:11,868
Of course, I didn't tell those kids
what really happened.
411
00:19:12,665 --> 00:19:15,864
Okay, I'm all warmed up.
Let's do this thing.
412
00:19:17,575 --> 00:19:18,876
What happened?
413
00:19:19,966 --> 00:19:21,196
This happened.
414
00:19:24,812 --> 00:19:26,347
Holy crap!
415
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,819
Turns out Uncle Marshall
and his brothers
416
00:19:28,921 --> 00:19:31,147
did a little more than just roughhouse.
417
00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:38,875
Cocoa break!
418
00:19:48,011 --> 00:19:50,327
Marshall looks good.
Has he lost weight?
419
00:19:50,497 --> 00:19:51,845
Bitch, don't even.
420
00:19:53,613 --> 00:19:55,329
Kids, I'd love to leave you
with the message
421
00:19:55,377 --> 00:19:57,459
that fighting is bad
and you shouldn't do it,
422
00:19:57,561 --> 00:19:59,046
but I know that's pointless.
423
00:19:59,216 --> 00:20:01,005
So, I'll leave you with this:
424
00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:03,338
don't ever get in a fight
with Uncle Marshall.
425
00:20:03,508 --> 00:20:05,249
That guy's freaking crazy.
426
00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:12,696
It is so good to be home.
427
00:20:12,866 --> 00:20:15,222
Mom, Lily, fantastic job.
428
00:20:15,696 --> 00:20:18,142
"Good food, good meat,
good God, let's eat." Right?
429
00:20:18,312 --> 00:20:20,602
Okay, here we go.
Goggles on.
430
00:20:26,066 --> 00:20:28,514
All right, so,
you guys pass the plates.
431
00:20:28,684 --> 00:20:30,608
Lily, you want white or dark meat?
432
00:20:30,778 --> 00:20:33,252
Dark! Honey, please be careful.
32788
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