All language subtitles for Frasier - 8x04 - The Great Crane Robbery.HDTV.NoTV.en

l would like to close the show today
with a truly inspirational tale.

One year ago,
a very successful friend of mine

was struck by tragedy.

Prognosis: not good. Hope: slim.

But armed with only fortitude,
this friend of mine fought back.

l'm talking about the reopening of
Seattle's finest restaurant, Chez Henri.

Just goes to show you

that a four-alarm fire
is no match for five-star courage.

This is Frasier Crane saying good day
and good mental health.

You still don't have a table
for opening night.

And it's killing me.

Okay, everyone, it's showtime.

The new station owner's
on his way down. So look alive.

Watch what you say,
watch what you don't say.

Don't say too much,
don't say too little.

What the hell's this thermostat
set at anyway?

Good Lord. Kenny, calm down.

We've done the new-owner drill
a million times.

What'll it be today, Roz?

The glad-handing sycophant,
or our salute to teamwork?

Yeah, yeah, very funny.

Come on, Kenny. You know
how these people come and go.

They introduce themselves,
they shake your hand,

tell us they're big fans
and then they're gone.

Nothing every changes.
So don't worry about it.

Well, that's easy for you to say.
You've got a contract.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hello, sir.

Ah, Clark Bar. Excellent choice, sir.

You must be the new owner.

Hi, l'm Frasier Crane
and this is my producer, Roz Doyle.

- Hi.
- Hey, Todd Peterson.

Mr. Peterson's one of
the brightest stars of Silicon Valley.

- Thank you.
- And he's one of the youngest

members of the Fortune 500.

- Please, you're embarrassing me.
- And he's a big fan of your show.

Oh, now you're embarrassing me.
Ha-ha. Go on.

lt's true.
l've been listening since college.

l love the theme weeks,
but l was really into Follow-Up Fridays,

when you had previous callers call in
to let you know how they're doing.

- Why did you stop doing that?
- Oh, well, it wasn't my idea.

You know, Todd,
seeing as how you are such a big fan,

perhaps l could bend your ear
sometime

about a few ideas l have
for the show.

Great. l'd love to hear them.

Really?
Well, how about later today, perhaps?

Over cocktails at my place?

- That would be cool.
- Cool indeed.

- Later.
- Right.

And may l say it's truly an honour
to be serving under your leadership.

This is a great day for KACL,
indeed for radio itself.

l see you decided
to skip glad-handing sycophant

and go straight
for bootlicking kiss ass.

[MARTlN MOANS]

- ls that too much?
- Oh, no, it feels great, Daph.

Got a lot of elbow grease there
today.

l suppose l'm a bit wound up.

Niles is out with Mel.
l don't trust that woman.

MARTlN:
Oh, come on.

He's not with her
because he wants to be.

He's just gonna give her
what she wants

so she'll give him the divorce.

He's crazy about you, you know that.

l know. And l'm crazy about him.

Still, Niles has been gone
for a long time.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

DAPHNE:
lt's open.

- Hello.
- Niles.

Sorry l'm late. Mel picked
a restaurant on the other side of town.

l'm getting so tired
of that woman's antics.

Antics, that's what
they are. Oh!

This whole charade,

making you pretend
you're a happy couple, it's so unfair.

lt's criminal. She won't even allow you
to be seen in public together.

Did you hear that?

Give it up, old man.
The massage is over.

Daphne, l know it's difficult,

but once she gives me that divorce,
we can go anywhere we want.

Paris, Florence, Rio.

How about my room to fold laundry?

NlLES:
l hear it's lovely this time of year.

Oh, uh, Dad, listen, you know,

l've got some company coming over,
so if you don't mind...

Oh, hot date, huh?

Well, actually, Dad,
the new station owner's coming by

to hear some ideas l have
about my show.

Well, it's a woman at least, right?

Whatever gets you
out of the room faster, Dad.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

- Todd, come on in.
- Hi, Frasier.

- Whoa. Sweet view.
- Thank you, thank you.

That's the Space Needle there,
of course, and Elliott Bay.

And actually, on a clear day,
you can see Mount Rainier.

TODD:
Epic.

ls that a Pizza Hut?

- Well, we did start a petition--
- Well, it must've worked.

That is a Pizza Hut.

- You've got a great place here, Fras.
- Oh, thank you.

l like this.

What, did your kid carve it in camp?

Actually, that's a fertility god
from Central Africa.

lt's quite rare. Thank you.

Say, Todd,
can l interest you in a sherry?

No, it would be wasted on me.

l don't know the first thing
about that stuff.

ln the great scheme of things,
it's not very important.

lt kind of is. l mean, ever since
my search engine went public,

people have been inviting me
to fundraisers and banquets.

They expect me to know all sorts
of things about art and music, wine.

l don't know jack. lt's embarrassing.

- l'm sure you're exaggerating.
- No.

l spent my whole life
in front of a computer.

l don't know Beethoven from...

Beethoven's the only one l know.

You know,
it's never too late to learn.

- l'd be glad to give you some pointers.
- Really?

l'd be delighted.
l will play Virgil to your Dante.

ln a few weeks, l guarantee you,
you will find that delightfully droll.

- Say, how about that sherry?
- Oh, yeah.

All right, then. Which you should know
is a fortified wine.

Oh, wow.
Frasier, you really know your stuff.

Look at these. Great paintings,
cool furniture, African sex toys.

This is how l should be living.

- How much you want for the place?
- Excuse me?

l could use a place in town.
Name your price.

Oh, no, Todd.
My humble home is not for sale.

But as luck would have it,

there happens to be a unit available
directly below mine.

This'll be great.
We'll be neighbours.

You can teach me to have
as much taste and style as you.

And l can do everything possible
to make you the biggest star on radio.

l knew one day you'd come.

FRASlER: Niles, mind if l join you?
NlLES: Well, just for a little while.

l'm meeting Mel here.
Oh, reminds me...

Oh, dear. l am sorry to hear that.

Oh, no.
Actually, this is wonderful news.

She called. She said my days
of playing the devoted husband

are coming to an end.

Frasier, l think my wife
is finally going to dump me.

And they said it would last.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

You know, actually,
l'm celebrating a bit myself.

You see,
l have just become a mentor.

Good for you, Frasier.
Helping the underprivileged.

Actually, he's a billionaire.

Ah. The forgotten minority.

No, it's the new station owner.

For heaven's sake.
You're mentoring your boss?

How did you flatter your way
into that job?

No, Niles, l didn't.
The boy practically begged me.

l mean, he got rich overnight

and he's hardly had time
to shed his fraternity house ways.

Sounds like an enormous project.

Well, l am a teacher at heart,
after all.

You know, last night,
l took him to Le Caf� de Parade

to practise sending back wine.

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

Excuse me.

Hello? Ah! Todd, yes,
we were just talking about you.

Yes. No, no, no.

Never French cuffs
with a button-down collar.

- He's being fitted by Javier.
- Very nice.

The long collar? Yes.
What sort of stripes?

Don't move, l'll be right down there.
l have got to go.

- Mel.
- Frasier. You're looking--

And you. We must do this again.

- Hello, Niles.
- Mel, hello.

Well, l gather things
are coming to an end.

Thank you
for being true to your word.

And thank you for doing
such a good job in phase one.

Phase one?

Well, Niles, it occurred to me
that if we end things now,

people will wonder why,
when, you know, we've been so happy.

So l've decided that it's not so much
that l'm going to leave you

- as you're going to drive me away.
- How?

Through a series of staged events

in which you will thoroughly
humiliate yourself

by playing the part
of a complete ass.

For instance, this weekend,
we're going to the opera.

l see, l see. So you want me
to hog the opera glasses

and remain seated during the ovation,
something of that nature?

- Well, l suppose l could manage it.
- No, not quite.

At the intermission, invariably,
some board member

will come over to say hello,
and l want you to fly into a jealous rage

and throw a drink at him.

That is unthinkable.
l have a reputation in this town

and nothing will make me
behave that way.

Well, looks like we're
going to be married for a long time.

l'll see you
at Schwande die Dudelsackpfeifer.

Oh. What are you two doing here?
Todd's apartment's one floor down.

We know, but why walk
into his housewarming alone

when we can go in with his idol?

Oh, please. l'm hardly his idol.

- l'm a paragon at best.
- What's that?

Oh, it's just a little something
that Todd admired when he was over.

l didn't know
we were supposed to bring gifts.

Oh, l'm screwed.

l am so fired.

God, why did l give my wife the
go-ahead for that above-ground pool?

Better calm down, Kenny. l gave you
my last pair of dress shields.

Now, remember, Todd has had people
working round the clock

transforming his apartment
into his vision of style and taste.

Now, no matter how primitive
we may think it is, it's best to be kind.

We don't wanna stifle
his budding creativity.

You also don't wanna stifle
that fat syndication deal

he's putting together for you.

Oh, Roz, you are so cynical.

That's why you could never
be a mentor.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Hey, guys, come on in.

FRASlER:
Well, hello, Niles.

Say, if memory serves, you went
to the opera with Mel last night.

So did you cause a public spectacle?

l didn't read anything
in the society pages.

No, well,
it didn't go exactly as l expected.

At intermission, l got my drink

and waited for someone
to approach Mel.

And finally someone did.

Founders' Circle stalwart
Ace Lemieux.

l coiled, panther-like, ready
to fling my drink on his shirt front,

when l noticed he was wearing that
wool crepe hand-tailored tuxedo of his.

Well, you know, l--

l couldn't raise my hand
against such a magnificent garment.

Niles, that tux is a blend
and you know it.

Yes, yes, of course l know it.

Frasier, l just couldn't do it.

That kind of loutish behaviour,
it's just not in my nature.

Of course, Niles.
That goes without saying.

Just remember
for whom you're doing all this.

Believe me, Daphne is the only thing

that is keeping me going
through all of this.

Tonight l'm supposed to meet Mel
for dinner at Chez Henri

and make an ass of myself
in front of her society friends.

Oh, Lord. Chez Henri.

Their menu is just the culinary
minefield to test Todd's mettle.

Oh, your young prot�g�.
How's that coming along?

Actually, things have taken
a bit of an odd turn.

You see, yesterday,
l went to his housewarming party.

As it turns out, to my surprise...

...he has duplicated
my apartment exactly.

Exactly?

The only thing missing
is an old man and a little dog.

l was beside myself.

Well, of course you were.
l assume you read him the riot act.

Well, he is my boss.
He has big plans for my show.

Do l really wanna jeopardise that?

There's Todd now.
Uh, Todd, over here.

l'd like you to meet my brother,
Niles Crane.

- Niles, this is Todd Peterson.
NlLES: Hello.

Oh, and may l say,
what a lovely outfit.

Hope you got the volume discount.

Guess who's officially hooked
on classics?

Oh, well, good for you.
Good for you.

Now, Todd, l'd like to talk to you
about your apartment.

- You don't like it.
- No, no, l do like it.

- l've liked it for eight years.
- So, what's the problem?

Well, l was hoping that my influence
would help you to find your own style,

not that you would simply
duplicate mine.

What am l doing?

l'm in way over my head here--
Let's admit it.

--with all this culture stuff.

l should just stick to what l know,
computers. l'm a computer guy.

No, Todd, you know, perhaps we just
took on a bit too much too soon.

l need to move back to San Jose,

sell the apartment,
sell the radio station--

Steady at the wheel, Todd.

Now, listen.

All we're really talking about is a couple
of couches and some coffee tables.

But you said we shouldn't have
the same apartment.

Yes, and we shouldn't.

But perhaps l'm being too hasty

about which of us
should be doing the changing.

Perhaps l'm holding on too tight
to my possessions.

D�cor is, after all, a fluid art.

- Should l be writing this down?
- No, no, Todd, no.

Listen, Todd.

l want you to keep the apartment
the way it is.

After all, it's a look
that has served me well,

but it's time that l move on.

- Thank you, Frasier.
- No, thank you, Todd.

Hey, you wanna come see
my new car?

l have a feeling you're gonna like it.

l have a feeling l will.

Niles, you have been behaving
like a perfect gentleman all night.

Now, cut it out,
and do something offensive.

l don't know at which table
you've been sitting.

Did you not just see me
unapologetically take the last roll?

l need more than that
and you know it.

Now, my friends are giving you
plenty to work with.

Andrew has been drinking like a fish,

and Margaret is wearing
that revolting dress again.

Yow. l'm glad you're on my side.

l can do this.

- Sorry, everyone.
- Sorry, sorry.

Oh, you newlyweds.
Just can't be apart for one second.

Oh, the bill. Well, we're not finished.

We still have wine.
Would anyone like a refill?

l'm a little dry.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dry?
l know that's not your liver speaking.

Niles, we just discussed
you were not going to bring that up.

Well, l did, so there.
And l'll say it again.

You're probably seeing two of me,
so you might as well hear me twice.

You, sir, are a complete drunk.

- Niles, how could you--?
- Well...

How could you know?

l thought l was hiding it so well.

l have a problem. lt's time l face it.

l've been meaning to say something,
but l didn't have the courage.

Not like Niles.
You're a good person.

l'm getting help first thing tomorrow.

l'm so sorry, baby.

Thank you
for giving me my husband back.

Mel, darling, you married an angel.

Don't l know it.

Ah. Dad, what do you think
of the new look?

Nice stuff.
You really tied the flow to the motif.

Thanks for trying.

- Well, shall we give it a test run?
- Yeah.

A little music.

[lNSTRUMENTAL GUlTAR MUSlC
PLAYS ON STEREO]

Dad.

Looks great, son.

- There's nothing here.
- l know.

l give up.
l've tried a million combinations.

l even had early Byzantine
mingling with mid-century Danish.

Will they ever get along?

The only furniture that looks good
in my apartment is my own.

Well, l could have told you that
three love seats ago.

So what are you waiting for?
Go bring it back.

Well, l'm glad l went
to three different stores

to find your organic furniture polish.

Well, Daphne, chin up. You can
always use it to polish the floors.

Oh, yes. When God closes a door,
he opens a window.

You know, Dad,
even if l do get my furniture back,

it doesn't solve anything.

There's still someone downstairs
with my apartment.

That's not your apartment.
This is your apartment.

And if every stooge
in the building rips you off,

it doesn't take anything away from you,
because you were the original.

l am, aren't l?

And l did, after all, create that look,

and that should be
gratification enough.

Good for you, son.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

l mean, besides, you know,
Todd's hardly ever here.

He doesn't have very many friends.

The only person who's ever gonna see
that apartment

is probably the Pizza Hut
delivery boy.

- Todd, come on in.
- Hey, Fras.

l just need to know the name
of the chick who made our couch.

Oh, right. lt's a reproduction
of the one Coco Chanel had

in her Paris atelier. But why?

The writer from Architectural Digest
wants to know.

Architectural Digest?

They're doing a huge cover story
on my apartment.

And l have you to thank for it, buddy.

Well, l gotta go.
The photographer's waiting. Later.

l need to sit down.