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1
00:00:05,407 --> 00:00:06,593
♫ Ground floor perfumery
2
00:00:06,593 --> 00:00:07,822
♫ Stationery and leather goods
3
00:00:07,822 --> 00:00:09,049
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
4
00:00:09,049 --> 00:00:12,509
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
5
00:00:15,236 --> 00:00:16,532
♫ First floor telephones
6
00:00:16,532 --> 00:00:17,753
♫ Gents ready-made suits
7
00:00:17,753 --> 00:00:19,065
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
8
00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:22,455
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
9
00:00:25,571 --> 00:00:27,264
- Where are you going with that, Mash?
10
00:00:27,264 --> 00:00:29,389
- I'M papering the gents
on the fourth floor.
11
00:00:29,389 --> 00:00:31,459
- Shouldn't that be done by
decorating and maintenance?
12
00:00:31,459 --> 00:00:32,535
- Not this sort of papering.
13
00:00:32,535 --> 00:00:33,413
(audience laughs)
14
00:00:33,413 --> 00:00:34,727
- Just a minute, Mash.
15
00:00:34,727 --> 00:00:36,324
You are supposed to use the staff lift.
16
00:00:36,324 --> 00:00:38,420
- Now look here, Peacock, it
ain't even quarter to nine yet.
17
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:39,862
- Captain Peacock to you.
18
00:00:39,862 --> 00:00:41,480
- And it's Mr. Mash to you.
19
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:42,935
Now you ain't got no authority over me
20
00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:45,119
until the official commencement
of your employment,
21
00:00:45,119 --> 00:00:46,585
which is at 9:00.
22
00:00:46,585 --> 00:00:48,181
Now, if you come in here
early just 'cause your wife
23
00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:49,941
can't stand you, it's no concern of mine.
24
00:00:49,941 --> 00:00:50,682
(audience laughs)
25
00:00:50,682 --> 00:00:51,407
Brother.
26
00:00:51,407 --> 00:00:53,808
(audience laughs)
27
00:00:54,527 --> 00:00:55,701
(elevator whirring)
28
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:56,579
- Ooh, Mash, Mash, Mash!
29
00:00:56,579 --> 00:00:58,633
(audience laughs)
30
00:00:58,633 --> 00:00:59,339
Mr. Mash!
31
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:05,456
- Sorry Captain Peacock, electrical fault.
32
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,857
(audience laughs)
33
00:01:08,630 --> 00:01:10,646
(women chatting)
34
00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:11,930
- Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed
35
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:13,772
to be cleaning the department,
not drinking tea in it.
36
00:01:13,772 --> 00:01:15,390
Now get on with your work.
37
00:01:15,390 --> 00:01:17,717
And get that vacuum cleaner
out of here before I come in.
38
00:01:17,717 --> 00:01:19,294
And get the bags changed.
39
00:01:19,294 --> 00:01:21,002
The old ones are blowing out more dust
40
00:01:21,002 --> 00:01:22,511
than they're sucking in.
41
00:01:22,511 --> 00:01:23,217
- [Rumbold] Captain Peacock?
42
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:23,922
- Yes?
43
00:01:23,922 --> 00:01:24,628
- Can I have a word with you?
44
00:01:24,628 --> 00:01:25,546
- [Peacock] Certainly sir.
45
00:01:25,546 --> 00:01:26,252
- What is that?
46
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:27,664
- A cup of tea, sir.
47
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:30,118
- I do not expect to
find you, of all people,
48
00:01:30,118 --> 00:01:31,836
drinking tea in the department.
49
00:01:31,836 --> 00:01:33,544
The canteen is the place
for that sort of thing.
50
00:01:33,544 --> 00:01:35,136
- I got it from the the cleaners, sir.
51
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:36,586
- And they are paid to clean the place,
52
00:01:36,586 --> 00:01:38,003
not bring you tea.
53
00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:39,875
- You misunderstand me, sir.
54
00:01:39,875 --> 00:01:42,000
I took it away from them,
at the same complaining
55
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,100
about the mess that the
old bags were making.
56
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,206
(audience laughs)
57
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,860
- I don't think you should
refer to the cleaning staff
58
00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:49,676
as old bags, Captain Peacock.
59
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,104
- That's right, you tell him, Mr. Rumbold.
60
00:01:51,104 --> 00:01:52,361
Dirt, that's how he treats us.
61
00:01:52,361 --> 00:01:53,397
Rubbish, rubbish!
62
00:01:53,397 --> 00:01:55,466
Do you know, he don't even call me mister.
63
00:01:55,466 --> 00:01:57,211
- That'll do, Mash, and
get rid of that teacup.
64
00:01:57,211 --> 00:01:58,791
(audience laughs)
65
00:01:58,791 --> 00:02:00,332
Can you spare me a word, Captain Peacock?
66
00:02:00,332 --> 00:02:01,451
- I haven't signed in yet, sir.
67
00:02:01,451 --> 00:02:02,890
- Later, later, this is urgent.
68
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,273
- Yes sir.
69
00:02:04,273 --> 00:02:05,781
- (grunts) I hope I haven't
dropped you in it, Stephen.
70
00:02:05,781 --> 00:02:08,182
(audience laughs)
71
00:02:10,074 --> 00:02:10,943
- Oh, morning Mr. Humphries.
72
00:02:10,943 --> 00:02:11,892
- Morning Mr. Lucas.
73
00:02:11,892 --> 00:02:13,013
- Oh, I say, I like your hat.
74
00:02:13,013 --> 00:02:14,747
(audience laughs)
75
00:02:14,747 --> 00:02:16,928
What were you hunting last night?
76
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,575
- Will you keep a civil
tongue in your head, saucebox.
77
00:02:18,575 --> 00:02:20,868
I bought this to stop
me from getting mugged.
78
00:02:20,868 --> 00:02:22,505
You know, people aren't so
keen to creep up behind you
79
00:02:22,505 --> 00:02:24,071
if they think you're
looking over your shoulder.
80
00:02:24,071 --> 00:02:26,361
(audience laughs)
81
00:02:26,361 --> 00:02:28,448
Look, the center display's gone.
82
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,334
- The phantom trouser
stealer has struck again.
83
00:02:30,334 --> 00:02:31,837
- Oh, whatever will Mr. Granger say?
84
00:02:31,837 --> 00:02:33,627
- Oh, perhaps he knows about it already.
85
00:02:33,627 --> 00:02:37,016
- Well if he doesn't,
he'll have a heart attack.
86
00:02:37,821 --> 00:02:39,010
What were you up to last night?
87
00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,756
- Oh, I picked up this
bird in the library.
88
00:02:40,756 --> 00:02:42,463
- You? What were you doing in the library?
89
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,169
- Oh, it's a great place
90
00:02:43,169 --> 00:02:43,931
for chatting up the birds, you know.
91
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:44,692
Mind, you gotta keep
your voice down a bit.
92
00:02:44,692 --> 00:02:45,716
- I always do.
93
00:02:45,716 --> 00:02:47,139
(audience laughs)
94
00:02:47,139 --> 00:02:48,357
You gotta be careful, too, which section
95
00:02:48,357 --> 00:02:49,952
you hang around, you know.
96
00:02:49,952 --> 00:02:51,252
- Oh really, I suppose
you like to keep away
97
00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:53,825
from gardening, science,
and historical novels.
98
00:02:53,825 --> 00:02:55,041
- I usually hang around between Fanny Hill
99
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:55,950
and Lady Chatterly.
100
00:02:55,950 --> 00:02:57,528
- Oh, the sports section.
101
00:02:57,528 --> 00:02:59,473
(audience laughs)
102
00:02:59,473 --> 00:03:01,094
- As soon as you see one
thumbing through a copy, you see,
103
00:03:01,094 --> 00:03:02,506
you go over and say, alright darling,
104
00:03:02,506 --> 00:03:03,233
that's enough of the theory.
105
00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:04,395
Now how about a bit of practice?
106
00:03:04,395 --> 00:03:05,135
(audience laughs)
107
00:03:05,135 --> 00:03:07,234
- You smooth-talking sex maniac.
108
00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:08,813
- They can't slap you
in the face, can they?
109
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,278
'Cause there's a big
sign that says silence.
110
00:03:10,278 --> 00:03:11,678
- So what happened?
111
00:03:11,678 --> 00:03:12,797
- I picked up this big one?
112
00:03:12,797 --> 00:03:13,706
- An encyclopedia?
113
00:03:13,706 --> 00:03:14,472
- No.
114
00:03:14,472 --> 00:03:16,110
(audience laughs)
115
00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:19,033
- A big bird, a big bird,
enormous she was, enormous.
116
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,517
Built like a brick chicken house.
117
00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:22,459
- I've never seen one of those.
118
00:03:22,459 --> 00:03:23,228
What, a brick chicken house.
119
00:03:23,228 --> 00:03:24,361
- No, a (grunts).
120
00:03:24,361 --> 00:03:26,374
(audience laughs)
121
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,785
- Well anyway, I took her to the pictures.
122
00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:28,723
- What did you see?
123
00:03:28,723 --> 00:03:32,553
- I don't remember, but
it was a double feature.
124
00:03:32,553 --> 00:03:33,683
Morning Shirley.
125
00:03:35,319 --> 00:03:36,900
Hey, did you know you got
a ladder in your tights.
126
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,100
- Oh, trust you to notice.
127
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:38,984
- Does it go all the way up.
128
00:03:38,984 --> 00:03:41,484
- Well, there's one person
who'll never find out.
129
00:03:41,484 --> 00:03:43,010
- Oh look, Peacock hasn't signed in.
130
00:03:43,010 --> 00:03:45,919
- Perhaps his wife was late
blowing reveille this morning.
131
00:03:45,919 --> 00:03:47,708
- It won't seem the same
signing the book with it
132
00:03:47,708 --> 00:03:48,741
without him looking at his watch
133
00:03:48,741 --> 00:03:50,069
and making caustic comments.
134
00:03:50,069 --> 00:03:54,028
- And I'll tell you what, you
sign and I'll caustic comment.
135
00:03:54,028 --> 00:03:55,929
8:46, Mr. Humphries.
136
00:03:55,929 --> 00:03:57,328
One minute late for battle again.
137
00:03:57,328 --> 00:03:58,416
- Oh, not again.
138
00:03:58,416 --> 00:04:00,263
Oh please, Captain Peacock, I beg of you.
139
00:04:00,263 --> 00:04:02,010
Don't tell the evil Mr. Rumbold.
140
00:04:02,010 --> 00:04:04,137
Otherwise I shall lose my
position at Grace Brothers,
141
00:04:04,137 --> 00:04:06,484
a position which I've
held these 30 summers
142
00:04:06,484 --> 00:04:08,108
and a lot more winters.
143
00:04:09,072 --> 00:04:10,358
Please Captain Peacock, I beg of you,
144
00:04:10,358 --> 00:04:11,932
I'll do anything, anything.
145
00:04:11,932 --> 00:04:13,267
- No wonder you wear that hat.
146
00:04:13,267 --> 00:04:14,718
(audience laughs)
147
00:04:14,718 --> 00:04:16,161
- Me too, Captain Peacock.
148
00:04:16,161 --> 00:04:17,317
- It's not good, Miss Brahms.
149
00:04:17,317 --> 00:04:18,901
You know what happens when you're late.
150
00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:21,107
Oh, not that again, Captain Peacock.
151
00:04:21,107 --> 00:04:21,813
- Peacock!
152
00:04:21,813 --> 00:04:23,669
- Captain Peacock to you, dog.
153
00:04:23,669 --> 00:04:24,941
Come here, my beauty, and we'll show you
154
00:04:24,941 --> 00:04:27,193
how Grace Brothers teat their deserters.
155
00:04:27,193 --> 00:04:27,898
- Now?
156
00:04:27,898 --> 00:04:28,604
- Now!
157
00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:29,310
(Brahms squeals)
158
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,016
- Lucas!
159
00:04:30,016 --> 00:04:31,020
- Captain Peacock!
160
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,119
- Get up, Miss Brahms.
161
00:04:33,119 --> 00:04:35,132
You have a ladder that goes the
whole length of your tights.
162
00:04:35,132 --> 00:04:37,548
(audience laughs)
163
00:04:37,548 --> 00:04:40,019
- There's one person who found out.
164
00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,443
- I will not have this larking about
165
00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:43,689
in my absence, Mr. Lucas.
166
00:04:43,689 --> 00:04:44,666
- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.
167
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:47,251
- It's a disgrace, and it's
very discourteous to me.
168
00:04:47,251 --> 00:04:47,957
- Yes, I'm sorry.
169
00:04:47,957 --> 00:04:49,461
It won't happen again, Captain Peacock.
170
00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:50,345
Mind you, sir, if we didn't know
171
00:04:50,345 --> 00:04:51,936
what a really good sport
you are, we wouldn't take
172
00:04:51,936 --> 00:04:53,502
such terrible liberties.
173
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:54,707
- Don't let it happen again.
174
00:04:54,707 --> 00:04:56,033
- No sir.
175
00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:57,806
(heels clicking)
176
00:04:57,806 --> 00:04:59,584
(audience laughs)
177
00:04:59,584 --> 00:05:01,327
- I'm surprised that you were
allowing it, Mr. Humphries.
178
00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,525
My hand isn't as firm as
yours, Captain Peacock.
179
00:05:03,525 --> 00:05:05,483
(audience laughs)
180
00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:07,191
- Good morning, Captain Peacock.
181
00:05:07,191 --> 00:05:09,175
You're rather later than
customary, are you not.
182
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,446
- Well, apart from one
or two other things,
183
00:05:10,446 --> 00:05:12,123
I had to get my wife off.
184
00:05:12,123 --> 00:05:12,961
- Off what?
185
00:05:12,961 --> 00:05:15,102
(audience laughs)
186
00:05:15,102 --> 00:05:17,156
- Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.
187
00:05:17,156 --> 00:05:18,738
She's staying with her
sister in Cliftonville
188
00:05:18,738 --> 00:05:19,491
for a few days.
189
00:05:19,491 --> 00:05:21,728
- Oh ho, a grass widower, eh?
190
00:05:21,728 --> 00:05:24,203
We girls will have to watch our steps.
191
00:05:24,203 --> 00:05:25,475
- And our ladders.
192
00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,637
- Mrs. Slocombe, it had crossed my mind
193
00:05:28,637 --> 00:05:31,727
that if you had nothing on
during the next few days,
194
00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:34,802
I might suggest a small dinner a deux?
195
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:37,361
- Surely there's something missing?
196
00:05:37,361 --> 00:05:39,165
- Candles perhaps or anything you fancy.
197
00:05:39,165 --> 00:05:39,874
(audience laughs)
198
00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:41,078
- No trousers.
199
00:05:41,078 --> 00:05:43,478
(audience laughs)
200
00:05:44,795 --> 00:05:46,905
- Mrs. Peacock, she's
only away for two days.
201
00:05:46,905 --> 00:05:47,775
(audience laughs)
202
00:05:47,775 --> 00:05:49,422
- Mr. Granger's trousers are missing
203
00:05:49,422 --> 00:05:51,156
and so is the center display stand.
204
00:05:51,156 --> 00:05:53,113
- I noticed as soon as I
came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas.
205
00:05:53,113 --> 00:05:54,318
- Oh, yes you did, Mr. Humphries.
206
00:05:54,318 --> 00:05:56,145
Yes, my goodness, you
said, it's gone, you said.
207
00:05:56,145 --> 00:05:56,946
What, I said.
208
00:05:56,946 --> 00:05:59,071
Mr. Granger's center
display stand, you said.
209
00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:00,605
Oh dear, I said.
210
00:06:00,605 --> 00:06:02,397
My goodness, Mr. Granger will have a fit
211
00:06:02,397 --> 00:06:03,698
when he sees it, you said.
212
00:06:03,698 --> 00:06:05,039
And you were right.
213
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:09,288
- Well, what has happened
to the center display stand?
214
00:06:09,288 --> 00:06:10,953
- Mr. Rumbold has ordered its removal.
215
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:11,934
- Removal?
216
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:13,020
- Glass of water for Mr. Granger.
217
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:15,035
- Glass of water coming up.
218
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:18,630
- Is this one of your
machinations, Mrs. Slocombe?
219
00:06:18,630 --> 00:06:21,315
- I don't do machinations, Mr. Granger.
220
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,605
But I'm very relieved that it's gone.
221
00:06:23,605 --> 00:06:26,545
- Well, I shall have to have
some words with Mr. Rumbold,
222
00:06:26,545 --> 00:06:28,894
and give him a piece of my mind.
223
00:06:28,894 --> 00:06:30,192
- Good morning.
224
00:06:30,192 --> 00:06:31,449
- Oh, good morning, sir, how are you?
225
00:06:31,449 --> 00:06:32,652
(audience laughs)
226
00:06:32,652 --> 00:06:34,809
I was just asking what had happened
227
00:06:34,809 --> 00:06:36,847
to the central display stand.
228
00:06:36,847 --> 00:06:37,899
- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.
229
00:06:37,899 --> 00:06:39,491
I was meaning to have a
word with you about that.
230
00:06:39,491 --> 00:06:41,546
In fact, I have an announcement to make.
231
00:06:41,546 --> 00:06:42,562
- Gather round everybody.
232
00:06:42,562 --> 00:06:44,377
Mr. Rumbold has an announcement to make.
233
00:06:44,377 --> 00:06:45,873
- Mr. Lucas, gather round.
234
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,605
I think Mr. Rumbold's going
to do a bit of announcing.
235
00:06:47,605 --> 00:06:49,255
(audience laughs)
236
00:06:49,255 --> 00:06:51,771
- This does not concern the
cleaning staff, Captain Peacock.
237
00:06:51,771 --> 00:06:53,772
- Hillary, Deirdre, you
heard what Mr. Rumbold said.
238
00:06:53,772 --> 00:06:55,030
Now get about our business, come on!
239
00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:58,121
(audience laughs)
240
00:06:58,121 --> 00:07:01,029
- Grace Brothers have entered
into a promotion agreement
241
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,017
with a perfurmery company
to promote their product
242
00:07:03,017 --> 00:07:06,547
by having a special stand on
this floor to promote them.
243
00:07:07,572 --> 00:07:09,890
- Do you mean we're going to sell scent?
244
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:11,654
- Yes, you could put it like that.
245
00:07:11,654 --> 00:07:13,109
- Well if it's scent, why can't
you clear some counter space
246
00:07:13,109 --> 00:07:14,298
in the ladies' department?
247
00:07:14,298 --> 00:07:15,469
- Precisely.
248
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,890
- Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying
249
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:19,988
far too much underwear.
250
00:07:19,988 --> 00:07:21,710
- Are you suggesting, Mr. Granger,
251
00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:23,092
that I should remove my underwear
252
00:07:23,092 --> 00:07:24,700
and put perfume there instead?
253
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,808
(audience laughs)
254
00:07:26,808 --> 00:07:29,675
- Are you suggesting that
I should remove my trousers
255
00:07:29,675 --> 00:07:31,944
and put perfume there instead?
256
00:07:31,944 --> 00:07:33,496
- Now, now, now.
257
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,467
- Yes, as I was about
to say, now, now, now.
258
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:36,933
- (clears throat) I must point out
259
00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:39,122
that this a boardroom decision,
260
00:07:40,487 --> 00:07:43,074
and that the perfume in
question is going to be on sale
261
00:07:43,074 --> 00:07:46,604
to both sexes under the
brand name of His and Hers.
262
00:07:47,406 --> 00:07:49,002
- Well, I'm not going to sell Hers,
263
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,336
and I refuse to have
anything to so with His.
264
00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:52,943
(audience laughs)
265
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,495
- That's what I'm trying to
point out, Mrs. Slocombe.
266
00:07:54,495 --> 00:07:55,725
It's to be promoted by a member
267
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,838
of the perfume company's sale steff.
268
00:07:57,838 --> 00:07:58,955
- A him or a her?
269
00:07:58,955 --> 00:08:00,970
- Probably a half and half.
270
00:08:00,970 --> 00:08:02,682
- Ah, here comes the special stand now.
271
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:03,752
- Ices, ices, cold.
272
00:08:03,752 --> 00:08:04,631
Get your lovely ices.
273
00:08:04,631 --> 00:08:05,337
Get your ices.
274
00:08:05,337 --> 00:08:06,309
Hey hey!
275
00:08:06,309 --> 00:08:07,495
Oh, sorry there.
276
00:08:07,495 --> 00:08:09,147
- That will do, Mr. Mash.
277
00:08:09,147 --> 00:08:10,056
- Time's getting on a bit.
278
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:11,564
I think we'd better all lend a hand.
279
00:08:11,564 --> 00:08:12,883
- Where shall I stick it then,
280
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:14,249
as the stamp collector said to Mae West.
281
00:08:14,249 --> 00:08:15,195
(audience laughs)
282
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,537
- That will, do Mr. Mash.
283
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:17,965
Everybody lend a hand.
284
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,973
- That's what Mae West said
to the stamp collector.
285
00:08:19,973 --> 00:08:21,990
- [Granger] I shall take no part in it.
286
00:08:21,990 --> 00:08:23,179
- Ha ha, mutiny on the counter!
287
00:08:23,179 --> 00:08:24,256
- Now now, come come, Mr. Granger.
288
00:08:24,256 --> 00:08:25,319
That's not like you.
289
00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:27,008
- Well, even in the French Revolution,
290
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:30,017
the victims weren't expected
to chop off their own heads.
291
00:08:30,017 --> 00:08:31,974
- I'm sure it won't come
to that, Mr. Granger.
292
00:08:31,974 --> 00:08:33,779
- Nevertheless, my
staff will not cooperate
293
00:08:33,779 --> 00:08:35,512
in the outfitting of that stand.
294
00:08:35,512 --> 00:08:36,783
- I'm behind you, Mr. Granger.
295
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:38,100
- And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries.
296
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,062
Yes, unless Captain Peacock says
297
00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:40,307
I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries.
298
00:08:40,307 --> 00:08:42,750
In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
299
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:44,419
- Oh Captain Peacock,
seeing as our Mr. Granger
300
00:08:44,419 --> 00:08:46,276
is behaving like a bear with a sore head,
301
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,760
perhaps I can help.
302
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,012
- No no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream
303
00:08:50,012 --> 00:08:51,395
of allowing a lady in your position
304
00:08:51,395 --> 00:08:53,073
to do such work as this, Mrs. Slocombe.
305
00:08:53,073 --> 00:08:54,542
- You're such a gent.
306
00:08:54,542 --> 00:08:56,665
Miss Brahms, lend a hand.
307
00:08:56,665 --> 00:08:59,281
- Mrs. Slocombe, how
would tonight suit you?
308
00:08:59,281 --> 00:09:00,622
- Suit me for what?
309
00:09:01,350 --> 00:09:02,662
- For our little dinner date.
310
00:09:02,662 --> 00:09:04,494
- Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you.
311
00:09:04,494 --> 00:09:06,159
You, a happily married man.
312
00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:08,087
- Oh, would that were true.
313
00:09:08,087 --> 00:09:10,242
- Oh, not another one.
314
00:09:10,242 --> 00:09:12,479
- After 14 years, you
don't know what it's like.
315
00:09:12,479 --> 00:09:14,349
- I didn't know what it
was like after seven.
316
00:09:14,349 --> 00:09:15,055
(audience laughs)
317
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,070
(bell ringing)
318
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:17,610
- Positions everyone,
the store has opened.
319
00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:19,186
Mrs. Slocombe, let me know what you think
320
00:09:19,186 --> 00:09:21,411
after you've given it a
little thought, will you?
321
00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:22,698
- Come along everybody, the store is open.
322
00:09:22,698 --> 00:09:23,466
Go about your business.
323
00:09:23,466 --> 00:09:24,793
Mr. Mash, leave the floor.
324
00:09:24,793 --> 00:09:25,499
- Eh?
325
00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:26,525
- Leave the floor, Mr. Mash.
326
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:27,407
- Oh yes sir.
327
00:09:27,407 --> 00:09:29,617
We mustn't let the customers
see me, must we, eh, eh.
328
00:09:29,617 --> 00:09:32,847
It's time Cinderella was back
in the kitchen, innit, eh?
329
00:09:32,847 --> 00:09:35,247
(audience laughs)
330
00:09:36,455 --> 00:09:37,864
- I wonder if you can help me?
331
00:09:37,864 --> 00:09:38,801
- Oh, I'm sorry.
332
00:09:38,801 --> 00:09:39,531
I'm not serving.
333
00:09:39,531 --> 00:09:40,729
The ladies is over there.
334
00:09:40,729 --> 00:09:41,836
- Oh, I don't want the ladies.
335
00:09:41,836 --> 00:09:43,289
- I mean the ladies department.
336
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:45,795
- Guess what, you've got a customer.
337
00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:47,093
- [Slocombe] Are you being served, madam?
338
00:09:47,093 --> 00:09:48,032
- No, it's quite alright, thank you.
339
00:09:48,032 --> 00:09:50,031
I'm the representative from His and Hers.
340
00:09:50,031 --> 00:09:50,736
- Oh yes.
341
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,315
- Can I see the floorwalker?
342
00:09:53,315 --> 00:09:55,222
- I doubt it with those on.
343
00:09:56,223 --> 00:09:58,740
Are you free, Captain Peacock?
344
00:09:58,740 --> 00:10:00,582
- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
345
00:10:00,582 --> 00:10:04,247
- This is the salesgirl
from the scent people.
346
00:10:04,247 --> 00:10:04,954
- Morning.
347
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,542
May I welcome you most
cordially to Grace Brothers.
348
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:09,389
- Oh blimey.
349
00:10:10,764 --> 00:10:12,817
- That must be the
salesgirl from His and Hers.
350
00:10:12,817 --> 00:10:14,134
Oh, she's a bit of a turn on, isn't she?
351
00:10:14,134 --> 00:10:15,362
- That's all you think about.
352
00:10:15,362 --> 00:10:16,555
It's all up here, you know.
353
00:10:16,555 --> 00:10:18,019
- Not 100%, it's not.
354
00:10:18,019 --> 00:10:18,818
(audience laughs)
355
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:20,690
- Who is that young lady
engaging Captain Peacock
356
00:10:20,690 --> 00:10:21,876
in conversation?
357
00:10:21,876 --> 00:10:23,194
- It's the girl from His and Hers.
358
00:10:23,194 --> 00:10:25,864
- Oh, oh, then I think we'd better ignore.
359
00:10:25,864 --> 00:10:27,555
- Mr. Lucas is trying, but
he's not doing very well
360
00:10:27,555 --> 00:10:28,545
at the moment.
361
00:10:29,373 --> 00:10:30,602
- Just my luck, isn't
it, for a bird like that
362
00:10:30,602 --> 00:10:32,001
to sail into my life on a Thursday.
363
00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:33,091
Look at that, one lousy quid.
364
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,909
Where can you take a bird
like that on one quid.
365
00:10:34,909 --> 00:10:36,192
- Well, you could buy
a six-penn'eth of worms
366
00:10:36,192 --> 00:10:37,607
and take her for a walk
along the canal bank
367
00:10:37,607 --> 00:10:38,671
with your bent pin.
368
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,360
(audience laughs)
369
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,481
- Does she look like the sort of girl
370
00:10:41,481 --> 00:10:42,730
you'd take along the canal bank?
371
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:44,894
- What about some of your
witty chat over sausage, egg,
372
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,949
and chips at the transport cap?
373
00:10:46,949 --> 00:10:48,387
- Hey, old Peacock's chatting
her up about, isn't he?
374
00:10:48,387 --> 00:10:49,224
Look at him, look at him, look at him.
375
00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:50,316
- Oh, well he's probably hoping she goes
376
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,116
for the father figure.
377
00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:52,582
- More like the grandfather figure.
378
00:10:52,582 --> 00:10:53,884
- I'm sure you'll be very happy here,
379
00:10:53,884 --> 00:10:55,040
and if there's anything
at all that you need,
380
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,000
don't hesitate to get in touch.
381
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:57,854
- Well that's very kind of you.
382
00:10:57,854 --> 00:10:59,365
Where do I find you?
383
00:10:59,365 --> 00:11:00,988
- About here, actually.
384
00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:02,793
- He isn't half working well on her.
385
00:11:02,793 --> 00:11:04,123
Do you think he fancies her?
386
00:11:04,123 --> 00:11:06,304
- Oh no, a young thing like that?
387
00:11:06,304 --> 00:11:10,342
Men of Captain Peacock's age
prefer some more mature woman.
388
00:11:10,342 --> 00:11:11,685
Someone he can talk to.
389
00:11:11,685 --> 00:11:12,760
- Yes, when you get to his age, I suppose
390
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,149
that's all that's left.
391
00:11:14,149 --> 00:11:15,390
- Hello.
392
00:11:15,390 --> 00:11:16,482
Hello, it's my turn now.
393
00:11:16,482 --> 00:11:17,880
Peacock's leaving the field of battle.
394
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,153
- I shouldn't venture into no man's land
395
00:11:19,153 --> 00:11:21,278
until he's left the department.
396
00:11:21,278 --> 00:11:22,673
- A word with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
397
00:11:22,673 --> 00:11:23,571
- Take over, Miss Brahms.
398
00:11:23,571 --> 00:11:24,998
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
399
00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:26,411
Yes Captain Peacock?
400
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:28,421
- About tonight.
401
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,959
- Oh yes, I've been thinking about that,
402
00:11:29,959 --> 00:11:32,491
and I said to myself, why not.
403
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,363
I mean, what have I hot to lose?
404
00:11:34,363 --> 00:11:35,386
- What indeed.
405
00:11:35,386 --> 00:11:36,519
(audience laughs)
406
00:11:36,519 --> 00:11:37,638
- I've been thinking about it, too,
407
00:11:37,638 --> 00:11:40,028
and on second thought, I
feel it would be unwise
408
00:11:40,028 --> 00:11:42,836
for us to start something
that we couldn't finish.
409
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,316
- What are you suggesting?
410
00:11:44,316 --> 00:11:47,072
- Well, you know, two attractive
people thrown together.
411
00:11:47,072 --> 00:11:48,834
The spark that lights the tinder.
412
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,459
The all consuming fire.
413
00:11:51,254 --> 00:11:53,632
- I thought it was just dinner.
414
00:11:53,632 --> 00:11:56,750
- Well I think perhaps that
lunch in the executive canteen
415
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,483
would be safer.
416
00:11:58,483 --> 00:11:59,896
- Are you canceling?
417
00:12:01,545 --> 00:12:04,132
- In a manner of speaking, yes.
418
00:12:04,132 --> 00:12:05,049
- Well fancy.
419
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,910
Leading a girl on like that.
420
00:12:08,677 --> 00:12:10,339
- He's gonna chat her up again.
421
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:11,865
- He's chatting her up again,
look at him, look at him.
422
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,487
- With his bedroom department smile.
423
00:12:13,487 --> 00:12:15,182
- Randy old floorwalker.
424
00:12:18,152 --> 00:12:19,592
- It's very quiet at the moment, isn't it?
425
00:12:19,592 --> 00:12:21,318
- Yes, isn't it.
426
00:12:21,318 --> 00:12:23,090
- I hope this doesn't seem premature,
427
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:26,361
and I do hope you won't
mind my mentioning it.
428
00:12:26,361 --> 00:12:27,066
- Go on.
429
00:12:27,826 --> 00:12:29,984
- Well let me put it another way.
430
00:12:29,984 --> 00:12:31,521
Do you have a particular boyfriend.
431
00:12:31,521 --> 00:12:33,240
- All my boyfriends are particular.
432
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:33,965
- Of course.
433
00:12:33,965 --> 00:12:36,696
(audience laughs)
434
00:12:36,696 --> 00:12:38,989
Yes, no, what I was trying to say was,
435
00:12:38,989 --> 00:12:40,555
I wondered if you might, by any chance,
436
00:12:40,555 --> 00:12:43,027
be free to join me for a
drink when we close tonight.
437
00:12:43,027 --> 00:12:43,853
- Are you chatting me up?
438
00:12:43,853 --> 00:12:45,385
- Sh, not so loud!
439
00:12:45,385 --> 00:12:47,580
No no no, I just wondered
if you were free.
440
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:50,332
- Well it's very kind of
you, Captain Poe-cock.
441
00:12:50,332 --> 00:12:51,799
(audience laughs)
442
00:12:51,799 --> 00:12:52,734
- Peacock.
443
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:55,388
But my boyfriend's picking me up at 5:30.
444
00:12:55,388 --> 00:12:56,255
- Ah, well.
445
00:12:56,255 --> 00:12:57,206
Say no more.
446
00:12:57,206 --> 00:12:58,604
I was just worried that you might be
447
00:12:58,604 --> 00:13:00,448
at a loose end. (laughs)
448
00:13:00,448 --> 00:13:01,154
Excuse me.
449
00:13:01,959 --> 00:13:03,626
Mrs. Slocombe.
450
00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:05,848
(audience laughs)
451
00:13:05,848 --> 00:13:07,397
- [Slocombe] Yes Captain Peacock?
452
00:13:07,397 --> 00:13:10,009
- I've been thinking
over what I said to you,
453
00:13:10,009 --> 00:13:11,649
and I've had second thoughts.
454
00:13:11,649 --> 00:13:13,243
- Well I haven't, and the answer's no.
455
00:13:13,243 --> 00:13:15,117
And regarding what you
said about that fire,
456
00:13:15,117 --> 00:13:16,194
I think it would be just as well
457
00:13:16,194 --> 00:13:17,672
if you didn't get your matches out.
458
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:20,072
(audience laughs)
459
00:13:21,979 --> 00:13:23,488
- Excuse me, where's your changing room?
460
00:13:23,488 --> 00:13:26,463
- May I inquire what purpose
you want to know for?
461
00:13:26,463 --> 00:13:27,635
- I want to change.
462
00:13:27,635 --> 00:13:28,604
- I'm sorry.
463
00:13:28,604 --> 00:13:30,603
Our rooms are not staff.
464
00:13:30,603 --> 00:13:31,736
- Thank you for your help.
465
00:13:31,736 --> 00:13:33,148
- It was a pleasure.
466
00:13:34,211 --> 00:13:35,341
- That told her.
467
00:13:36,295 --> 00:13:37,750
- Your turn on is coming across.
468
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:38,455
- I see her.
469
00:13:38,455 --> 00:13:39,226
Old Peacock's given up, you see.
470
00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:40,446
He didn't get anywhere with that sexy talk
471
00:13:40,446 --> 00:13:41,818
and the smooth smile and all that.
472
00:13:41,818 --> 00:13:43,790
I think I'll use the direct approach.
473
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,732
Yeah, they're very good
with these toffee-nosed
474
00:13:45,732 --> 00:13:46,438
sort of birds, you know.
475
00:13:46,438 --> 00:13:47,535
Just grab 'em and they go mad.
476
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,241
- I must watch that.
477
00:13:48,241 --> 00:13:49,158
I might learn a thing or two
478
00:13:49,158 --> 00:13:50,877
from the Casanova of the cufflink counter.
479
00:13:50,877 --> 00:13:52,610
(audience laughs)
480
00:13:52,610 --> 00:13:54,513
- I'm not gonna do it in front of you.
481
00:13:54,513 --> 00:13:55,575
- Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me.
482
00:13:55,575 --> 00:13:56,609
- I'm very glad you came over.
483
00:13:56,609 --> 00:13:57,323
You know, it's a funny thing.
484
00:13:57,323 --> 00:13:58,357
I wanted to have a word with you, see.
485
00:13:58,357 --> 00:13:59,685
Really something very important.
486
00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:01,591
(thudding)
487
00:14:02,973 --> 00:14:03,678
- [Humphries] What happened?
488
00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,009
- I grabbed her and she went mad.
489
00:14:06,787 --> 00:14:07,807
- I wonder if you can help me.
490
00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:08,512
- Be a pleasure.
491
00:14:08,512 --> 00:14:09,286
Do I need a bodyguard?
492
00:14:09,286 --> 00:14:10,698
(audience laughs)
493
00:14:10,698 --> 00:14:12,209
- I wonder if you have a
changing room I could use.
494
00:14:12,209 --> 00:14:13,661
- A changing room?
495
00:14:13,661 --> 00:14:15,980
- Are you having any
difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
496
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:16,850
- Not yet, Mr. Granger.
497
00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:19,630
This young lady wanted to use
one of our changing rooms.
498
00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:22,232
- May I inquire for what purpose?
499
00:14:22,232 --> 00:14:23,797
- [Salesgirl] Would you believe to change?
500
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:26,480
- I don't like the tone of your voice.
501
00:14:27,197 --> 00:14:28,229
And our changing rooms are not
502
00:14:28,229 --> 00:14:30,595
for the use of the female staff.
503
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:31,671
- Oh, alright then.
504
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,154
Have it your own way.
505
00:14:36,339 --> 00:14:37,135
(wah-wah guitar music)
506
00:14:37,135 --> 00:14:38,248
- A glass of water for Mr. Granger.
507
00:14:38,248 --> 00:14:40,205
(audience laughs)
508
00:14:40,205 --> 00:14:42,536
And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas.
509
00:14:44,862 --> 00:14:47,618
- I think you'll find that
it'll fall into your shape, sir.
510
00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:49,128
And don't worry about the sleeves.
511
00:14:49,128 --> 00:14:50,965
They'll ride up with wear.
512
00:14:52,827 --> 00:14:54,502
- And don't worry about
the color being too bright.
513
00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:56,424
It'll wash out in the rain.
514
00:14:56,424 --> 00:14:57,555
- Are you being served, sir?
515
00:14:57,555 --> 00:14:58,579
- It's alright, thanks.
516
00:14:58,579 --> 00:14:59,698
Just looking.
517
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:00,407
- That's all I've had this morning.
518
00:15:00,407 --> 00:15:01,720
Four just lookings, three no thank yous,
519
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,992
and two where's the gents.
520
00:15:02,992 --> 00:15:04,305
- Mr. Humphries, are you free?
521
00:15:04,305 --> 00:15:06,219
- Well I was just having a
chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger,
522
00:15:06,219 --> 00:15:07,714
but I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas.
523
00:15:07,714 --> 00:15:08,819
- Oh yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.
524
00:15:08,819 --> 00:15:10,944
(audience laughs)
525
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,750
- Where did those ties come from?
526
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:13,700
- What ties?
527
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,128
- [Granger] The ones she's just putting up
528
00:15:15,128 --> 00:15:16,247
on the stands.
529
00:15:16,247 --> 00:15:18,606
Oh yeah, she's put some
cards up there, too.
530
00:15:18,606 --> 00:15:20,301
- Yes, what do they say.
531
00:15:21,039 --> 00:15:22,521
- I can't quite focus, Mr. Granger.
532
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:23,599
Shall I go over and observe?
533
00:15:23,599 --> 00:15:25,613
- No, no, I don't think
we should fraternize.
534
00:15:25,613 --> 00:15:28,185
Call Mr. Lucas, he has younger eyes.
535
00:15:28,185 --> 00:15:29,344
- Mr. Lucas, are you free?
536
00:15:29,344 --> 00:15:30,854
- Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
537
00:15:30,854 --> 00:15:32,577
- Mr. Granger was just
observing the young lady
538
00:15:32,577 --> 00:15:34,981
on the center stand and was
wondering what's on the cards.
539
00:15:34,981 --> 00:15:36,309
- Well at his time of life,
very little, I should think.
540
00:15:36,309 --> 00:15:38,709
(audience laughs)
541
00:15:39,818 --> 00:15:42,013
- The print, Mr. Lucas.
542
00:15:42,013 --> 00:15:42,719
- Ah yes.
543
00:15:45,425 --> 00:15:47,184
With every bottle of His
perfume you purchase,
544
00:15:47,184 --> 00:15:48,259
you get a free tie.
545
00:15:48,259 --> 00:15:49,733
- A free tie?
546
00:15:49,733 --> 00:15:50,931
Take over, will you Mr. Humphries?
547
00:15:50,931 --> 00:15:52,946
I'm going to see Captain Peacock.
548
00:15:52,946 --> 00:15:54,079
- It says what?
549
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,652
- It says, with every bottle of Hers,
550
00:15:56,652 --> 00:15:58,763
you get a free pair of stockings.
551
00:15:58,763 --> 00:16:01,182
Well, that's very good
for our trade, I must say.
552
00:16:01,182 --> 00:16:04,430
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
553
00:16:05,183 --> 00:16:05,889
- There we are then.
554
00:16:05,889 --> 00:16:07,902
Let's hope we don't get a short
circuit when we plug it in.
555
00:16:07,902 --> 00:16:10,125
As Mae West said when
she picked up the midget.
556
00:16:10,125 --> 00:16:12,865
(audience laughs)
557
00:16:12,865 --> 00:16:15,109
I suppose it'll take a
few moments to warm up.
558
00:16:15,109 --> 00:16:16,896
As Mae West said to the Eskimo.
559
00:16:16,896 --> 00:16:18,954
(audience laughs)
560
00:16:18,954 --> 00:16:20,369
Eskimo! (laughs)
561
00:16:20,369 --> 00:16:21,075
- Mr. Mash.
562
00:16:21,075 --> 00:16:22,691
If you've finished, I'm
sure you are urgently
563
00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:24,111
required elsewhere.
564
00:16:24,111 --> 00:16:25,528
- You're quite right, Captain Peacock.
565
00:16:25,528 --> 00:16:28,820
I've got a bunged up carsey
in the bargain basement.
566
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:31,363
- I wonder if Mae West ever said that.
567
00:16:31,363 --> 00:16:32,524
- I think it's disgusting.
568
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,104
It's undermining my underwear.
569
00:16:34,104 --> 00:16:35,713
- Yes, and my accessories.
570
00:16:35,713 --> 00:16:37,709
- You must do something
about it, Captain Peacock.
571
00:16:37,709 --> 00:16:40,523
- For once, I entirely agree
with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
572
00:16:40,523 --> 00:16:42,840
- This thing must be stamped on right now.
573
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,400
- I must deal with this
my own way, Mrs. Slocombe.
574
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,022
- Well go on, then.
575
00:16:47,022 --> 00:16:49,806
- I'm just trying to think of
the best way of handling it.
576
00:16:49,806 --> 00:16:51,285
- Tell her to push off.
577
00:16:51,285 --> 00:16:51,990
- Jesus!
578
00:16:53,524 --> 00:16:54,779
- Well, you've got to
put something under them
579
00:16:54,779 --> 00:16:56,233
to get them going.
580
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:58,262
- I've found that myself lately.
581
00:16:58,262 --> 00:17:00,663
(audience laughs)
582
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:05,138
- Is, umm, is everything
to your satisfaction?
583
00:17:05,138 --> 00:17:06,903
- Yes, it's all fine, thank you.
584
00:17:06,903 --> 00:17:10,412
- You certainly cause a stir
in the trouser department.
585
00:17:10,412 --> 00:17:12,008
- Yes, this outfit usually
gets the men going.
586
00:17:12,008 --> 00:17:13,586
It's the gymslip look that does it.
587
00:17:13,586 --> 00:17:14,743
That and the stocking tops.
588
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,421
- Yes yes, if you're that type,
589
00:17:16,421 --> 00:17:19,539
it must have a certain effect. (groans)
590
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,693
(audience laughs)
591
00:17:21,693 --> 00:17:24,154
Your stockings also seem
to have upset the head
592
00:17:24,154 --> 00:17:25,508
of the ladies department.
593
00:17:25,508 --> 00:17:26,656
- Yes, well I suppose
that job would attract
594
00:17:26,656 --> 00:17:29,005
a rather odd sort of person.
595
00:17:29,005 --> 00:17:31,578
- No no no no, it's free
samples that have upset her.
596
00:17:31,578 --> 00:17:35,381
- I'm having to make the
appearance of complaining
597
00:17:35,381 --> 00:17:36,377
on their behalf, you understand.
598
00:17:36,377 --> 00:17:37,705
- [Salesgirl] Of course.
599
00:17:37,705 --> 00:17:39,662
- Well I think that has made
the department's attitude
600
00:17:39,662 --> 00:17:42,416
quite clear and there's no more to say.
601
00:17:43,404 --> 00:17:45,996
- [Woman On Recording]
Don't move, you man, you.
602
00:17:45,996 --> 00:17:47,690
Cover your body with me.
603
00:17:48,807 --> 00:17:50,664
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
604
00:17:50,664 --> 00:17:52,413
You're slightly aloof.
605
00:17:52,413 --> 00:17:55,895
Yet you have a hint of pulsating virility.
606
00:17:55,895 --> 00:17:58,861
You're wearing His, the man-sized perfume.
607
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:02,521
- Oh yes yes, that's very nice, yes.
608
00:18:02,521 --> 00:18:05,194
May I congratulate you on a
very arresting sales technique.
609
00:18:05,194 --> 00:18:06,521
- Well it's corny, but it works.
610
00:18:06,521 --> 00:18:09,053
You should hear what they
cooked up for the ladies.
611
00:18:09,053 --> 00:18:11,458
- [Man On Recording]
Stay just where you are.
612
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,870
Don't move a muscle.
613
00:18:14,545 --> 00:18:18,075
If you want a real he-man,
you'll find I'm a killer.
614
00:18:20,279 --> 00:18:23,810
Just let me caress you and
wrap myself around you.
615
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:26,644
Who am I?
616
00:18:27,408 --> 00:18:30,797
I'm the Hers perfume to
attract the perfect him.
617
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:33,811
- Glass of water for Mr. Humphries.
618
00:18:33,811 --> 00:18:36,537
(audience laughs)
619
00:18:36,537 --> 00:18:37,589
(upbeat music)
620
00:18:37,589 --> 00:18:40,627
- [Man On Recording] Yes
sir, if you're wearing His,
621
00:18:40,627 --> 00:18:43,844
and yes madam, if you're wearing Hers,
622
00:18:43,844 --> 00:18:47,002
you can be sure of instant results.
623
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:50,022
And remember, this week only,
you get an amazing free gift.
624
00:18:50,022 --> 00:18:51,787
For him, a tie, yes a tie
625
00:18:52,849 --> 00:18:56,174
in these gay, irresistible His colors.
626
00:18:56,174 --> 00:18:59,067
For the lady, a fantastic
pair of garter grip stockings.
627
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:01,277
They never let you down.
628
00:19:01,277 --> 00:19:03,780
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
629
00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:06,129
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
630
00:19:06,129 --> 00:19:07,258
of His and Hers.
631
00:19:08,466 --> 00:19:11,864
- And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
632
00:19:11,864 --> 00:19:14,178
- Did you ever hear the likes
633
00:19:14,178 --> 00:19:17,199
in all your born days, Mr. Granger?
634
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,267
- I don't think that we
should take it lying down,
635
00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:20,319
do you Mrs. Slocombe?
636
00:19:20,319 --> 00:19:21,237
- No I don't.
637
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:24,554
- Mr. Humphries, are you free?
638
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:25,867
And Mr. Lucas.
639
00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:26,714
Miss Brahms.
640
00:19:28,258 --> 00:19:29,629
Now I've no doubt you've noticed the way
641
00:19:29,629 --> 00:19:31,851
in which this young lady operates.
642
00:19:31,851 --> 00:19:32,942
- Yes, we have, Mr. Granger.
643
00:19:32,942 --> 00:19:34,255
- I felt it.
644
00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:36,146
- She's certainly drawing customers away
645
00:19:36,146 --> 00:19:37,569
from our departments.
646
00:19:37,569 --> 00:19:40,660
Now if you will all back me
up, I will take the matter
647
00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:41,891
to a higher authority.
648
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,006
- I'll back you up, Mr. Granger.
649
00:19:43,006 --> 00:19:44,016
- It's never going to Peacock.
650
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,318
He's gonna have his eyes
glued to her garters
651
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,189
til closing time.
652
00:19:47,189 --> 00:19:48,251
- No good going to Rumbold.
653
00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:49,494
He'll back up Peacock.
654
00:19:49,494 --> 00:19:51,649
- Weak as water he is, weak as water.
655
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:52,991
- We're lumbered then, aren't we.
656
00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:56,892
- Will no one rid me of
this meddlesome priest?
657
00:19:56,892 --> 00:19:58,613
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Granger.
658
00:19:58,613 --> 00:20:00,459
- Mr. Granger's quoting from Henry II,
659
00:20:00,459 --> 00:20:01,898
when he wanted to bump off Becket.
660
00:20:01,898 --> 00:20:04,232
- Oh not nice Mr. Beckett from hardware.
661
00:20:04,232 --> 00:20:07,114
- No no no, Mr. Granger played Becket
662
00:20:07,114 --> 00:20:10,914
in Grace Brothers production
of Murder in the Cathedral.
663
00:20:10,914 --> 00:20:12,051
- I'm sorry I missed that.
664
00:20:12,051 --> 00:20:13,068
(audience laughs)
665
00:20:13,068 --> 00:20:16,636
- And Mr. Granger was very
good, in spite of his gamey leg.
666
00:20:16,636 --> 00:20:17,834
- He fell of the cathedral steps,
667
00:20:17,834 --> 00:20:19,318
and Mr. Rumbold and the
lads had to murder him
668
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:20,674
in the front row of the stalls.
669
00:20:20,674 --> 00:20:22,956
(audience laughs)
670
00:20:22,956 --> 00:20:25,738
- It got a very good round of applause.
671
00:20:25,738 --> 00:20:27,095
- Are you suggesting then
that we should stab her
672
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,133
in the staff canteen?
673
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:32,713
- Mr. Granger, if I could
just have five minutes extra
674
00:20:32,713 --> 00:20:35,159
maybe at lunch time, I
think I might be able
675
00:20:35,159 --> 00:20:37,207
to arrange a little sabotage.
676
00:20:38,727 --> 00:20:41,506
- We none of us heard
that suggestion, did we?
677
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,423
- [All] No, Mr. Granger.
678
00:20:43,423 --> 00:20:45,753
- Nevertheless, carry on, Mr. Lucas.
679
00:20:45,753 --> 00:20:47,872
(tense music)
680
00:20:49,046 --> 00:20:50,108
- [Man On Recording] For
the lady, a fantastic pair
681
00:20:50,108 --> 00:20:51,293
of garter grip stockings.
682
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:53,687
They never let you down.
683
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:56,230
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
684
00:20:56,230 --> 00:20:57,755
Get your amazing free gift now
685
00:20:57,755 --> 00:21:00,816
with every purchase of His and Hers.
686
00:21:00,816 --> 00:21:03,372
And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
687
00:21:03,372 --> 00:21:04,787
- She's still there.
688
00:21:04,787 --> 00:21:06,535
- Yes, Mr. Lucas's plan
that we don't know about
689
00:21:06,535 --> 00:21:09,023
isn't really going like a dose of salt.
690
00:21:09,023 --> 00:21:10,826
- Has he given her a does of salts?
691
00:21:10,826 --> 00:21:12,057
(audience laughs)
692
00:21:12,057 --> 00:21:13,007
- Well everything's ready.
693
00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:13,714
- What's that?
694
00:21:13,714 --> 00:21:14,894
- That's a microphone.
695
00:21:14,894 --> 00:21:16,113
As soon as she starts
her next demonstration,
696
00:21:16,113 --> 00:21:18,671
I'll be on radio six and seven-eights.
697
00:21:18,671 --> 00:21:21,970
- I must tell Mr. Granger, he'd
like not to know about that.
698
00:21:21,970 --> 00:21:24,794
- [Woman On Recording]
Don't move, you man you.
699
00:21:24,794 --> 00:21:26,489
Cover your body with me.
700
00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:29,537
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
701
00:21:29,537 --> 00:21:31,169
You're slightly aloof.
702
00:21:31,169 --> 00:21:32,413
- Bald as a coot with only one tooth.
703
00:21:32,413 --> 00:21:35,521
(audience laughs)
704
00:21:35,521 --> 00:21:37,854
- [Man On Recording]
Stay just where you are.
705
00:21:37,854 --> 00:21:39,796
Don't move a muscle.
706
00:21:39,796 --> 00:21:41,224
- She's wearing a tin bra
and starch in her bustle.
707
00:21:41,224 --> 00:21:44,022
(audience laughs)
708
00:21:44,022 --> 00:21:46,620
- [Man On Recording] If
you want a real he-man,
709
00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:48,785
you'll find I'm a killer.
710
00:21:48,785 --> 00:21:49,599
- With a face like yours, you'll end up
711
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,081
with Guy the Gorilla.
712
00:21:52,719 --> 00:21:53,452
- What is going on?
713
00:21:53,452 --> 00:21:54,610
- Somebody's interfered with my tape.
714
00:21:54,610 --> 00:21:55,952
- How on Earth did they do that?
715
00:21:55,952 --> 00:21:56,659
(tape chirping)
716
00:21:56,659 --> 00:21:57,436
No, no, no.
717
00:21:58,689 --> 00:21:59,394
(all speaking over one another)
718
00:21:59,394 --> 00:22:01,160
- Please, please, please!
719
00:22:02,168 --> 00:22:04,069
Let's marshal all our facts
and find out precisely
720
00:22:04,069 --> 00:22:06,083
why this young lady left.
721
00:22:06,083 --> 00:22:07,786
Now first of all, whose finger was it
722
00:22:07,786 --> 00:22:09,662
on the button that ruined the tape.
723
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:10,669
- Well it was my finger, but it--
724
00:22:10,669 --> 00:22:13,156
- No no no no, just the facts.
725
00:22:13,156 --> 00:22:16,121
Now, how did the other voice come into it.
726
00:22:16,932 --> 00:22:19,810
- Well I was talking through my hat, sir.
727
00:22:19,810 --> 00:22:21,082
- Could you be more explicit?
728
00:22:21,082 --> 00:22:22,749
- Well there was a
microphone in his hat, sir.
729
00:22:22,749 --> 00:22:23,547
- I see.
730
00:22:23,547 --> 00:22:24,252
- Why?
731
00:22:25,418 --> 00:22:27,000
- Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger said,
732
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,501
will no one rid me of
the meddlesome priest.
733
00:22:29,501 --> 00:22:31,164
- Did you say that, Mr. Granger?
734
00:22:31,164 --> 00:22:33,429
- Well actually, Henry II said it.
735
00:22:33,429 --> 00:22:34,829
(audience laughs)
736
00:22:34,829 --> 00:22:35,877
- That I can explain.
737
00:22:35,877 --> 00:22:38,154
It wasn't Mr. Granger
who said it in the play,
738
00:22:38,154 --> 00:22:40,295
it was Becket, you remember, Mr. Rumbold,
739
00:22:40,295 --> 00:22:42,364
he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
740
00:22:42,364 --> 00:22:44,183
(audience laughs)
741
00:22:44,183 --> 00:22:47,203
- That's why he got such
a good round of applause.
742
00:22:47,203 --> 00:22:48,757
- Now, I may be dense.
743
00:22:50,189 --> 00:22:53,642
What has the play got to
do with this girl leaving?
744
00:22:53,642 --> 00:22:56,255
- Ah, well you see, Mr.
Granger drew our attention
745
00:22:56,255 --> 00:22:59,149
to the fact that Henry II
wanted to get rid of Becket.
746
00:22:59,149 --> 00:22:59,855
- Becket?
747
00:22:59,855 --> 00:23:01,430
- Not Becket from hardware, no.
748
00:23:01,430 --> 00:23:02,727
(audience laughs)
749
00:23:02,727 --> 00:23:03,806
- Thomas of Becket, you see.
750
00:23:03,806 --> 00:23:05,524
Well I took the hint
because I knew that they
751
00:23:05,524 --> 00:23:06,742
wanted to get rid of the girl.
752
00:23:06,742 --> 00:23:07,917
- I would like to state at this point
753
00:23:07,917 --> 00:23:10,181
that I had no hand in
the girl's departure.
754
00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:11,984
- I should think not.
755
00:23:11,984 --> 00:23:13,999
With your eyes glued to her garters.
756
00:23:13,999 --> 00:23:15,492
Anyway, good riddance, I say.
757
00:23:15,492 --> 00:23:16,810
It was ruining our sales.
758
00:23:16,810 --> 00:23:17,996
- Here here.
759
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:19,170
- Well the pity of it is
760
00:23:19,170 --> 00:23:21,172
that the His and Hers perfurme company
761
00:23:21,172 --> 00:23:24,513
is a subsidiary of our
firm, Grace Brothers.
762
00:23:24,513 --> 00:23:27,083
(mumbling)
763
00:23:27,083 --> 00:23:29,272
- It was a very pleasant smell.
764
00:23:29,994 --> 00:23:31,854
Don't you think, Mr. Humphries?
765
00:23:31,854 --> 00:23:33,389
- Most appealing, Mr. Granger.
766
00:23:33,389 --> 00:23:34,404
You found it most appealing
too, didn't you, Mr. Lucas?
767
00:23:34,404 --> 00:23:35,578
- Oh yes, I did, I did. I did.
768
00:23:35,578 --> 00:23:36,656
Yes, I did, Mr. Humphries.
769
00:23:36,656 --> 00:23:37,424
I thought it was most appealing.
770
00:23:37,424 --> 00:23:38,259
You found it very appealing, too,
771
00:23:38,259 --> 00:23:39,434
didn't you, Captain Peacock?
772
00:23:39,434 --> 00:23:41,491
- The gymslip was very eye-catching.
773
00:23:41,491 --> 00:23:42,971
(audience laughs)
774
00:23:42,971 --> 00:23:45,518
- And Young Mr. Grace, who
is the principle shareholder
775
00:23:45,518 --> 00:23:48,214
has alerted me to the fact
that he will be popping in
776
00:23:48,214 --> 00:23:50,283
to see how the campaign is going.
777
00:23:50,283 --> 00:23:51,121
- Oh dear.
778
00:23:51,121 --> 00:23:53,180
- Oh, we made a right naus
up of that, didn't we?
779
00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:56,491
- As you say, Miss
Brahms, a right naus up.
780
00:23:56,491 --> 00:23:59,470
So we shall have to think
of something, shan't we.
781
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:02,153
(all talking at once)
782
00:24:04,504 --> 00:24:07,341
(upbeat music)
783
00:24:07,341 --> 00:24:09,089
- Yes sir, if you're wearing his.
784
00:24:09,089 --> 00:24:11,915
And yes madam, if you're wearing hers.
785
00:24:11,915 --> 00:24:14,473
Then you can be sure of instant results.
786
00:24:14,473 --> 00:24:15,898
And remember for this week only,
787
00:24:15,898 --> 00:24:17,590
you get an amazing free gift.
788
00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:21,120
For him, a tie, yes a tie, in
these irresistible His colors.
789
00:24:23,030 --> 00:24:25,643
And for the ladies, a fantastic pair
790
00:24:25,643 --> 00:24:28,034
of garter grip stockings.
791
00:24:28,034 --> 00:24:31,111
They never let you down, so
keep your chappy happy happy
792
00:24:31,111 --> 00:24:32,649
with something snappy.
793
00:24:32,649 --> 00:24:34,956
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
794
00:24:34,956 --> 00:24:36,085
of His and Hers.
795
00:24:36,814 --> 00:24:39,621
(audience applauds)
796
00:24:39,621 --> 00:24:41,355
(upbeat music)
797
00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:42,808
♫ Ground floor perfumery
798
00:24:42,808 --> 00:24:43,819
♫ Stationery and leather goods
799
00:24:43,819 --> 00:24:44,974
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
800
00:24:44,974 --> 00:24:48,434
♫ kitchenware and food, going up
801
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:52,438
♫ First floor telephones
802
00:24:52,438 --> 00:24:53,628
♫ Gents readymade suits
803
00:24:53,628 --> 00:24:57,160
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
underwear and shoes, going up
804
00:25:01,123 --> 00:25:02,292
♫ Second floor carpets
805
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,504
♫ Travel goods and bedding
806
00:25:03,504 --> 00:25:05,006
♫ Material, soft furnishings,
807
00:25:05,006 --> 00:25:08,537
♫ restaurant and teas, going down
58491
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