Original subtitles

(Scream)

(Drip)

AGATHA: No, Gemma.

lam not... I'm not running away.

I've got a family crisis.

GEMMA ON PHONE: But you don't have a family.

Yes, actually, I do have a family. Thank you very much.

Somewhere.

And James has been asking after you.

Oh, has he'?

Well, I'm a little preoccupied, actually.

Oh, OK then. Sure.

AGATHA: I have a bit of business I need to attend to.

Not quite sure how long it will take.

- All right. See you, then. - OK.

(Raven sawing)

Excuse me. ls this the right...

- ... place?

(Animal croaking)

(Door closes)

(Clock ticking)

Ooh...

- Hell... Welcome. - (Gasps)

It's OK. I don't bite. Well, not in daylight hours, anyway.

It's a joke. It's just a joke.

Oh.

We have you staying for four days.

Yes. I think there's been some kind of mistake.

You see, I booked a spa retreat.

No, no, no. Not quite.

You booked our SPA retreat.

That's the Special Paranormal Activity package.

I'm sorry? The what package'?

Well, it's just a title, really.

We book you in, and then we let the castle

and Spencer Dulsleigh do the rest.

(Footsteps)

Claude, is this the new guest?

Daisy Jones. We've been expecting you.

- What as'? Fresh blood'? - To make up numbers.

Dear Colonel Lyche has us playing Scrabble.

He's very good.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't do Scrabble.

Hm.

Come on. I'll introduce you.

(Gasps) All right. Hang on a second.

(Bell)

Colonel, I'd like you to meet...

- Agatha. - (Grunts)

The Colonel lives here. Imagine.

Mm.

This is Jennifer Stobbs, from...

Cleveland, Ohio. It's great to meet you.

I'm here with my shopping buddy, Mabel.

Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

(Tray clattering)

Yeah, erm... Why don't you join us'?

Maybe later.

(Bird sawing)

(Sighs)

((321809)

Mini-bar, mini-bar. Wherefore an thou, mini-bar'?

(Floorboard creaking)

(Both shriek)

Oh, no...

Oh, how awful! What happened'?

If you must knew, a psychotic hairdresser from hell happened.

(Groans) Why else do you think I'm hiding in this madhouse'?

I know someone who can help you.

Her name's Francis Juddle. She's the local witch.

Comes from a long line of gypsies.

That's twice. Double trouble.

Look, I'm not into mumbo-jumbo. I'm here for hair tonic.

I have a little problem, you see. With my hair.

Well, that one speaks for itself.

Sex'?

The Lovers is not just about sex.

There is someone, though.

Is there? Really?

Is it...'? Does it say who'? Ask it. Ask it.

Is there a card marked Mr Right?

You'll know. It's all about intuition.

Oh...

Apply the hair tonic every night before bed.

That'll be 80 quid.

80 squid? Are you having a giraffe'?

Take it or leave it. Doesn't bother me.

I won't be losing my hair over it.

(sawing)

(Groans)

(Low fizzing)

(Music in distance)

(Owl hooting)

Listen here, you fraudulent, toad-eating crone!

You're about as genuine as my wig. (Knocks)

(Croaking)

(Music blaring)

(Music Off)

(Toad croaking and owl hooting)

(Animal screeching)

- Mrs Raisin? - Yes.

Inspector Jesse-p. I believe you discovered the body.

That's right.

New, tell me: have you spoken to any of the other residents yet?

Was Francie wealthy? Was anything missing?

What time did you visit Mrs Juddle's caravan'?

Er...midnight. One...ish.

Don't know. Hard to be sure.

And why did you go there at that time of night'?

Well, er... I'd been having some nightmares.

Big horses running at me with bulging eyes,

and husbands with scissors... son of thing.

And what's with the disguise?

- Well, you're wearing a wig. - You're very perceptive. I am.

And it is a little complicated, if I'm honest.

- Hardly conventional behaviour. - No, I grant you that.

It's not conventional. I see what you mean.

But I'm hardly likely to have killed Francie,

left my fingerprints in the caravan and called the police.

I'll have you know: where I come from, I do not commit murders.

I solve them.

You'll have to stay here for a few days. All right'?

- Mrs Raisin! - (Camera clicks)

There's been a murder somewhere else, for a change.

Has there? Where'?

That's Agatha.

Don't be daft. You're obsessed, you are.

No. Look. That's Agatha.

- It is, as well. - Oh, yeah.

"Police in Wyckhadden are investigating the death

of a woman known locally as a witch.

Suspect Mrs Agatha Raisin..."

Agatha wouldn't commit murder.

- Not without us. - She needs help.

Well, she's eccentric, but I wouldn't go that far.

No, she needs our help.

I know a copper in Wyckhadden. I'll see what I can find out.

I'm going to call Roy. James, what are you going to do'?

Find her.

She needs me.

(Sighs)

(Grunts)

Oh...!

Wow. You're quite the blonde bombshell.

Yeah. Keep your eyes to yourself.

I must say...there's been quite a rush on today.

Murder is clearly good for business.

- Everyone's in the dining room. - (Grunts)

(Clears throat) May I introduce you'?

- Hello! - We're on honeymoon.

And I'm just down from London, with my new boyf.

Jim-Bob. From Texas.

Howdy.

So, why did you go and see this "witch" in the first place?

What are you even doing here, Agatha?

Research.

Roy asked me to do an article on...castles.

- In a wig'? - Castles?

You said you had a family crisis.

I do. l...l did.

Look, what's with the questions? We need to get to work.

- We need to get you home. - I'm not allowed to leave.

We need to clear my name, so we have to investigate.

Bill, come here.

Now, tell me: what do you know about this murder?

Well...the motive seems to be robbery.

Apparently, the victim's sister said

she kept a large amount of cash padlocked in a metal box.

They found it discarded in the woods.

- The murder weapon'? - A large wooden object.

- They're still looking for it. - OK.

So, tomorrow we talk to everyone.

Roy and...Jim-Bob, you take the Colonel.

- What about the other guests? - We figure them out one by one.

As for the staff... they're even weirder.

- Right. Well, I'd better go. - Oh...on our wedding night'?

Well, it's not really, though, is it'?

And erm...l have to be at the station first thing.

AGATHA: Oh, poor Gem.

I think she was rather hoping something might happen

- between her and Bill. Night. - Good night.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

Well, I bloody well wish it would.

- Do you'? - Yes, I do.

For them, obviously.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, actually, for everyone.

It's just so... tiring, being single.

There's no certainty in anything.

How lovely would it be to be certain about things?

You know, someone to share things with.

Somebody you could count on.

You can mum on...us.

Yeah.

Well...here we are.

Yep. Here we are.

- I'm glad you came. - Yeah. Me too.

Right. Well... I'd better get some sleep.

That is, if I can sleep in this big place.

With all this spookery and murder.

- Evening. - Evening.

(Agatha chuckles)

- Night. - Yeah. Night.

Agatha...bothers me.

Really bothers me in a way no-one ever has.

She completely does my head in at times. Most of the time.

I find her infuriating,

insulting and completely contradictory.

Yet she's on my mind all day.

I think the problem is, if I'm honest...

...l'd just hate it all to go wrong.

What if we don't really know each other?

How can you tell if you really know someone,

if you can trust them'?

Let's face it: me and Agatha are never going

to just casually date, are we'?

It'd have to be all or nothing, wouldn't it'? Don't you think'?

What do you think?

- Roy'? - (Snoring)

GEMMA: You know James was pining for you, don't you'?

As soon as he saw your piccy in the paper,

he couldn't get here quick enough.

AGATHA: Yeah, he's probably just bored or...something.

Well, the police didn't waste much time getting out of here.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Aggy, do you think there's any truth in the gypsy-curse stuff'?

No!

Oh, look.

- It's a sign. - That we should go.

It's a message from Francie.

This card was in her hand when she died.

"Follow your intuition," she said.

Yeah, mines saying we should leave.

(Gasps) Oh, look. They've all been here.

Colonel Lyche, in to discuss his liver.

I thought he looked like a drinker.

Daisy booked in for a s?ance. What's that all about?

- Oh, a bunch of crackpots. - Jennifer...warts. Eurghh.

Mabel Dulsey: palm reading. Claude, the creepy manager.

Doesn't say what he's in for, but the list could be endless.

Hang on. What's that? "Agatha Raisin. Brassy cow. Hair tonic."

All right! Well, if you must know, that's why I came here.

I had a little problem with my hair. It was falling out,

and I didn't want anyone to see me.

Oh, by "anyone" you mean James.

That's why you left. You're as obsessed as he is.

Don't be ridiculous!

- Who are you'? What do you want'? - I was a friend.

Well, more of a...

Client. She got bald patches.

Just here to pay our respects.

Snooping through my sister's things?

Francie was your sister?

Well, in that case, I'm very sorry for your loss.

We're just trying to find out who did this.

Why do you care'?

Because I do.

Because Francie meant a great deal...

to a great many people...

...and whoever did this is still out there.

And she did her hair for her, as well.

Right.

Well, I don't need help from the likes of you.

Francie will tell me who killed her.

Francie will'? Because...

How, exactly?

I'm psychic, too.

And when Francie comes through to tell me who did this...

...I�ll wring their scrawny necks with my bare hands.

- Now, beat it. - OK.

AGATHA: OK. Come on, Gemma. Run! Run! Run!

Leek. You see this ceiling? It's exactly the kind of thing

I would love in our bathroom.

(Bad American accent) What's up'?

Yes, you're not from Texas, are you'?

(American accent) Are you kidding me'?

(English accent) Oxford, actually.

It's just a little game we play. Keeps people on their toes.

Bad accent?

Mmm.

That and the fact that I was in counter-intelligence.

MI5.

- (Phone bleeps) - So I pick up on little things.

And...how's the liver'?

As in my vital organs or what we're having for dinner'?

- No, both are fine. - Good.

Shame about that witchy woman, wasn't it'? Did you know her'?

(Cup rattling)

No.

He's lying and thinks we won't realise.

Come on. We need to rattle his cage.

Do you erm...fancy a game'?

(Groaning)

(Wheels squeaking)

- (Gasps) - Oh, damn biscuits!

This place certainly does make everybody jumpy.

- Uh-huh. - What are you doing'?

Us'? Oh, we're both just such big fans of your English literature.

- Isn't that right, Mabel? - Sure is.

Ah. Scrabble, ladies?

- I thought you'd never ask! - Oh, lovely.

Right, come on. Come on, Gemma.

Let's see what books they were looking at.

Medieval section, history...

I think she was looking at that red one.

Got it.

"Malleus Maleficarum.

The Hammer Of The Witches."

(Whispers) Gemma...!

- It's all about witchcraft. - (Raven sawing)

(Scrabble tiles rattling)

Hmm.

(Sighs)

Carly! Wrong knives. How many times?

All right, all right. Jeez, who rattled your coffin'?

And please do something with your hair.

Good morning, ladies.

Tell me. Francie was known as the Witch of Wyckhadden.

Anybody else around here into all that...

"hubble, bubble, toil and trouble" stuff'?

- Not that I'm aware of. - (Door slams)

- You went to see her, though. - You're in her book.

That's private. She was a friend.

I'd known her for years.

Before she took up clairvoyance, she worked in the kitchen here,

until she realised that she was in fact a clairvoyant. (Exhales)

She was rather good at the psychic stuff.

Ask Daisy.

Daisy, I want to thank you... about Francie.

She didn't half do the trick with my hair. (Chuckles)

How did you know she was so good'?

I come here on the anniversary of my husband's death.

He died in a car crash.

We got married here, so the place is full of happy memories.

And Francie...?

Reassured me he was OK.

Told me things she couldn't have known.

She was the real deal.

So, why do you reckon someone would want to kill her, then'?

Maybe that's why. Because she was genuine.

Maybe she knew someone's deepest, darkest secret.

- Two. - Huh.

- So... - Shh!

(Whispers) The Colonel is ahead by 52.

But Roy's tiles will be worth a few,

and he gets an extra 50 if he goes out first.

If.

- Thought you were good at this. - I am.

(Gasping)

(Chuckles)

(Animal screeching)

Why would Lyche want to kill Francie'?

Possibly because she knew something about him.

She had some secret that she threatened to reveal about him'?

Maybe he's not even MI5 at all.

James, you could use your army past to check him out.

- I can try. - He has got anger issues.

Alcohol issues, if you ask me.

See his DTs when he was playing the game'?

Well, I think they're all dodgy,

and those two were clearly up to something in the library.

That Daisy's too good to be true.

- Claude... - Look at her.

Daisy's here on every anniversary

of her husband's death. Does she come at any other time?

Easters and Bank Holidays,

and, come to think of it, she was here last Christmas.

Thank you.

Well, that's an awful lot of grieving.

Well, she doesn't look very grief-stricken to me.

Ahem. Mabel...

((321809)

- (Mabel humming) AGATHA: Come on.

- She's disappeared. - Oh, please.

No-one of those proportions can just disappear.

(Creaking)

I felt the need to pay my respects

and thank the Lord for the precious gift of life.

Please...join me.

(Groans)

(Bird squawking)

(Plates thudding)

Er...excuse me...

CLAUDE: Sorry. You were saying]?

Good morning.

You all right'? Did you sleep well'?

Yeah, never mind all that. Listen.

I think we should have a s?ancey thing.

You know. Try and get Janine to contact her dead sister.

You have got to be kidding! You don't believe in that, do you'?

Well, no, but the killer doesn't knew that, does he...er she?

- (Thud) - Carly...

(Sighs)

All we've got to do is just get in there

and sit at the table and get Janine to do her thing.

Whatever it is she does. All that "ls anybody there?"

You know. See who squirms.

Why are you doing that face? It's a genius idea.

- 200 quid. - What, to contact thin air'?

To bring the spirits through.

Yeah, cheaper to go to the off-license for some vodka.

It takes a lot out of me.

- Takes a lot out of my pocket. - You want me to try it or not'?

(Squawking and screeching)

(Chiming)

- Did you get anything on Lyche'? - No record that I could access.

Nothing in the public domain.

- Which means he's a fraud. - Or genuinely a spy.

I've got a friend in counter- intelligence. I could try him.

Yes, do that.

Somethings not right.

Daisy's all over him, and yet he can barely look at her.

Oh, me. Oh, my. How very exciting.

- We couldn't agree more. - We're hoping that someone

with a connection to the castle comes through.

Highly unlikely.

- Hi. - (Gasps) Hi.

Thought I'd sit out that seance nonsense. Not really my scene.

Se, what, sitting alone with the rest of the ghosts is?

- Ghosts? - This place is haunted.

By the ghost of a bastard Earl.

- (Sn-arts) - I know.

I've seen him myself.

(Retreating footsteps)

' (Click) � (Gasps)

(Popping and fizzing)

AGATHA: All very dramatic.

(Clock ticking)

Please hold hands and keep holding hands.

Whatever happens, the circle must not be broken.

(Clock ticking)

(Solemnly) Who is there?

(In old woman's voice) Say hello to Tewks for me.

Oh, my God. It's Mrs Josephs.

Silence!

Someone else is trying to come through.

(Roar of wind and rattling)

- Did anyone else feel the wind'? - Yes.

CLAUDE: No. - (Whimpering)

(Clock ticking)

((321809)

(Janine gasps and groans)

(In Francie's voice, distorted) My journey is complete...

but my death is not avenged.

That's why we're here.

Who killed you'?

(Grunts)

Justice...

- (Screaming) - (Gasps)

- (Whimpering) - What happened'?

- (Screech) - Someone turn the light on.

No, don't. There might be something else.

JAMES: What son of something?

BILL: Gemma, you're crushing my hand.

GEMMA: Sorry.

- (Banging and rumbling) - (Whimpering)

- What is that'? - (Click)

I'm sorry. I heard a noise out there. I had to come in.

Oh, my God. She's dead.

- What? - (Gasps)

(Shrieks)

But how'? No-one came in. No-one went out.

And we were all holding hands the whole time.

I'd better call Inspector Jesse-p.

(Sirens)

Good evening, sir. Your officers have taken our statements,

but just so you know: I'm DC Bill Wong,

South Gloucestershire police.

If you need any help...

Well, actually, there is one thing.

Your friend. The loud one. Rein her in, would you?

- Of course. - I take it they're all in bed.

Yes...

Worn out.

Nobody broke the circle.

So, who did it'?

Could Lyche have done it'?

I doubt it, unless he's a silent assassin,

trained to kill with one bare hand.

Or he was in on it with Daisy,

so he could get up and stab Janine.

L can't believe that the Colonel and Daisy were in cahoots.

He barely acknowledges her existence.

- Daisy was holding my hand. - Gemma,

you were beside Claude. Did he move'?

Rigid throughout.

Jennifer could have let go of Mabel.

She could have done the deed. She'd be strong enough.

Hm. OK. Roy, you check them out on-line in the morning.

We will go to the chapel.

Whatever Mabel was doing in there, it wasn't just praying.

In the meantime...l think we should all get some sleep.

(Flies buzzing)

- There must be something. - Aggy, we've looked everywhere.

I mean, short of digging up the dead...

What are you doing'?

What you said. Digging up the...

Look. "Spencer Dulsleigh, Fourth Earl of Wyckhadden.

Lived & died in this castle,

1436 - 1484."

He's the one who's on the portrait.

No, you've lost me.

What if Mabel Dulsey is a descendant?

She said at the s?ance that she wanted

someone from the family to come through.

So, you think she's trying to trace her family tree'?

Oh, I think it's way more than that.

Right. Come on, Gem. Let's find that book.

The witchy one with the hammers.

Er...Medieval. Top bit there.

Ah-ha.

Right. That's the one they were looking at.

But there was other stuff, too.

There was stuff on local history, genealogy...

Oh, this looks like it's been put back in a bit of a hurry.

And it's got fingerprints all over it.

"The Wyckhadden Bloodline."

"A Tale Of Adultery & Gypsy Curses."

I checked out the Golden Girls.

Nothing on Mabel, but get this:

Jennifer Stobbs is a lawyer, and her specialist field is...

- Inheritance? - Got it in one.

Two lines descend from the Fourth Earl.

One questionable, one legitimate.

Which I belong to.

We believe we have a case that Mabel should inherit the castle

from the present incumbent,

who lives in seclusion in Barbados.

So, what about the dodgy line'?

The Earl had an affair with a local gypsy girl.

Do Francie and Janine belong to that branch of the family'?

No. As far as we know, it died out.

So, why go and see Francie'?

A curse was put on the family,

along with a prophecy:

harmony would be restored when the raven took over.

(Emotionally) I have raven-coloured hair.

Ah.

So, you went to see Francie and had her read your palm,

hoping for confirmation. And did you get it'?

- We think she was a fraud. - I take it that's a no, then.

Mabel's lying.

If nothing else, her claim on this castle

is about as real as my wig.

They could have fallen out with the Juddles over the prophecy.

They're hardly going to kill them over that, though.

Maybe the Juddles were going

to tell the owners what they were up to.

There's more to it than that.

James, anything?

Just a couple of names of the illegitimate line.

- (Agatha reads names) - (Door opens)

- Bill, where have you been'? - The local police station.

They're closing in on an arrest.

- They can't do that. - I think they can.

They found the murder weapon that killed Francie.

A rolling pin.

They're hoping the prints on it match the ones

on the knife that killed Janine.

Oh, wow, yeah. Sounds pretty open and shut, doesn't it'?

Really? You think?

Matching fingerprints on the murder weapons?

No, that's too... It's too...

- Conclusive? - Exactly.

It's too obvious.

Bill, why do you think

that Jessop didn't interview you all himself?

Surely, he'd want to see the whites of your eyes,

see who cracks under pressure.

- We didn't do it. - But he doesn't know that.

Well, he clearly had other lines of inquiry.

And we know from the circle

that it can either be Lyche or Mabel,

so it must be one of them they're going to arrest.

What'? So...

Smart enough to stab someone in our presence,

yet stupid enough to leave prints all over the weapon'?

No, we're missing something.

What if there was someone else in the room?

There wasn't. There was no-one there when the lights came on.

Nowhere for them to hide.

Roy...why did you come prancing in in a panic?

Oh...you know that waitress, Carly?

She told me about a ghost, and I heard a noise,

so I just went in.

Er...where?

Here'?

I was hiding...under the horse.

OK.

- What did you hear'? - A kind of creaking sound,

and footsteps.

(Hollow thud)

What's behind here'?

(Door squeaking)

A way in and a way out.

Well, that certainly explains the gust of wind.

So, the murderer wasn't at the table.

But who else is there?

Carly.

Carly Bridgeman, you're under arrest

for the murder of Francie and Janine Juddle.

You do not have to say anything, but it will harm your defence

if you do not mention when questioned

something which you later rely on in court

- It's not right. - I told you it was Carly.

No, it can't be. Oh, come on.

- Intuition. Intuition. - (Handcuffs clicking)

CLAUDE: Right. This must stop.

Please, gentlemen. Please stop. There's something I must say.

Please...

(Muttering)

Gissup...

CLAUDE: Carly, I shall deal with this.

- Jessop, I shall be speaking... - Stop! This isn't right.

- Agatha, what are you doing'? - This is police business.

But it's not justice, is it'?

Why would Carly kill Francie and Janine?

For Francie's money.

Her prints were on the money-box,

the rolling-pin and the knife.

I helped Francie with her therapy, sol handled the box,

and I work in the kitchens.

And riddle me this, my little sunshine. What about Janine?

Ten people were in the room when she died,

and not one of them saw Carly.

- How did she get in there? - Through the secret passageway.

You know about that, then, do you'? How'?

It's my business to know.

Well, I think you're barking up the wrong tree, mister,

because this is all about family trees.

You see...

ldon't think the illegitimate line died out at all.

I think it lived on.

Gizup, Gissup...

...Jessop.

I think you're staking a claim on the castle,

and Francie knew that.

She found out your little secret,

and you thought Janine would, too.

You don't know what you're talking about.

The Tarot card in her hand when she died...

Justice.

The last thing Janine said, in Francie's voice: "Justice."

It wasn't a request. It was the answer to a question.

When I asked her who killed her, she replied, "Justice."

Now, who represents justice?

Now, tell me: why are you picking on Carly?

Tell them, or I will.

I'm trying to get to know this place.

It's not really what I'm into, but it'll have to be.

Carly is the owner's daughter. She'll inherit.

Of course. The raven-haired one.

(Mabel sighs) All this way for nothing.

You knew that, didn't you'?

So you tried to get her out of the way,

to strengthen your bogus claim.

- I've had enough of this. - (Gr-sans)

You can't do this!

But I can.

(Siren)

LYCHE: I prefer it here. AGATHA: Cos it's safe'?

- Jessop confessed. - Marvellous.

- What's she doing now'? JAMES: My contact

got back to me about Lyche.

Something of an MI5 hero, apparently,

until he lost someone in the field

and suffered a massive nervous breakdown.

ROY: Doesn't like losing, as a result.

You do know that Daisy's in love with you, don't you'?

Daisy? No, I don't think so.

She's young and beautiful, and I'm... Well, I'm not, am I'?

Oh, come on. What are you talking about?

A lot of women find that laid-back military thing

rather attractive.

You need to stop hiding and grasp the nettle.

No, I... l...don't think I can.

Do it for her. You're not the only one who needs to move on.

(Footsteps)

(Clears throat) I thought we could go for a walk, maybe.

I thought you'd never ask!

Agatha is amazing, isn't she'?

Yes, she is.

(Click)

' (Click)

JAMES: I missed you when you went away.

- Yeah, well, we know... - Just shut up and listen.

For once in your life, just listen.

I missed you when you went away...

...and it set me thinking...

You are completely impossible.

An infuriating, brilliant, frustrating,

magical nightmare of a woman.

Getting mixed messages here.

And I want you to be my infuriating,

brilliant, frustrating, magical nightmare of a woman.

- Er... - I know it's crazy.

We haven't even... We should have...

But it's also so... so completely right. Isn't it'?

Agatha Raisin...

Will you marry me'?

((321809)

(sawing)

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