All language subtitles for Agatha Raisin s01e06 The Day the Floods Came.eng

(Scream)

ROY". How's it going?

AGGIE: Well, Carsely Advertiser
have taken photos for a feature

and the reporter has been bribed
with enough chambers

to guarantee an outrageously
good review for Barfield Hall

as a wedding venue.

Great. Charles Fraith happy?

- Client happy'?
- Client ecstatic!

Did you hear that'?
- You don't sound as ecstatic.

Well, it's either because I've
got sciatica from a yoga class

that this one's
signed me up for...

Namaste.

- Yoga for "You're welcome."
- Very good.

- Or because I hate weddings.
- She don't mean that.

Oh, I think I do. Bye, Roy.

Looks like the bride
might hate weddings too.

(Gentle sobbing)

If it's any consolation,
I cried my whole wedding day.

Really? And you're still
together? Please say you are!

Yes, we are!

Children. Grandchildren.

Mr Raisin and I
couldn't be happier.

Are you all right, hun?

I am now, babes...
thanks to this kind lady.

Oh, and, Jo-Jo,
thanks for the lend.

No worries.
Something borrowed, eh, babes?

Catch you later.

You don't look old enough
to have grandchildren.

Oh, I'm not!
Well, I am, obviously...

because of what I said.

CHARLES: So now I'll hand you
over to Mr Bernie Barrington.

Ladies and gentlemen. Please.

Please, er...
a toast to the bride and groom.

- Kylie and Zac.
ALL: Kylie and Zac.

- ...Zac.
- (Applause and cheering)

Now, erm...

I'd like to thank, er...
Kylie's mother

for asking me to give her away.

Freda, it was an honour.

I haven't known Kylie
all her life.

But I have known her
all her working life,

and, er, Zac,
she hates working!

- (Laughter)
- I give it a year.

Now, Zac,
please don't hesitate...

No, strike that. Six months.

Oh, stop it!

Seriously. She was
in a right state earlier.

Look at him.

Looks like he's...waiting for...

A bus'?

It must have been so difficult,

Freda, bringing up a child
on your own,

this beautiful young lady.

GUESTS: Hear hear!
- (Applause)

- (Violent rumble of thunder)
- (Guests gasp)

WOMAN: Did you hear that'?

That's God, that is, telling you
to stop being so depressing.

(Sighs)

(Rain pitter-patters,
thunder rumbles)

(Ducks quacking)

(Car lock bleeps)

Agatha.

That's my name.

I think you've been avoiding me
since we kissed.

No, I haven't.

Oh, James, do you know,
it's fine. You can relax.

I was a bit emotional

and you were a shoulder
to cry on - literally.

Doesn't need to mean anything.

No, no.
That's...that's howl feel.

Good.

Agatha?

Erm... Drive carefully.

There's been some flooding
in Evesham.

Right.

(Commotion)

MAN: What's happened there?

- Have a look!
- What is it'?

- What's happened'?
- (Distant siren)

- What's going on'?
- (Commotion continues)

Oh, no!

Kylie!

Ready. Set. Lift.

It's awful.

They've just taken the poor
girl's body out of the water.

Oh, Roy, this is...

A PR nightmare for
Barfield Manor. I know.

Look, call Charles Fraith
and tell him not to worry.

- You're gonna look into it.
- Mrs Agatha Raisin.

What are you doing here'?
As if I didn't already know.

Excuse me a minute, Roy.

You don't know.
I was just passing.

Course you were.

This is a police matter, so
do not start investigating it.

Do start investigating it.

Seriously, Agatha,
best leave this one alone.

I definitely will.

I absolutely won't... Bill'?

I was at this girl's wedding.

You should question the groom,
Zac Lees-an.

He looked like he didn't even
want to be at his own wedding.

I can't arrest a man
for looking like

he doesn't want to be
at his wedding.

A jury
generally prefers evidence.

I will find evidence.
I mean, you will find evidence.

I'll just get on with my life.

The groom would be too obvious.

And anyway, all the signs are
this is suicide.

There's no murder
to investigate.

Hm...

(Groans)

Urgh...

I don't think I can do it.

It's not even natural anyway.

Come on.

- Brilliant!
- Oh, er...Aggie'?

- Rita knew Kylie.
- I did.

She and her mother came to
my Saturday classes.

Really?

Really? Erm...

Can I ask you a question?
What was Kylie like'?

Very supple.

Sorry. You mean...
She was lovely.

Did she ever seem depressed
to you'?

No. She was very happy
to be getting married to Zac.

His dad Terry owns Rave,
the nightclub in Evesham.

Oh, Rave! I love Rave!

I did most of my teenage
snogging in Rave!

- Right. Do you know...
- Good old Rave!

Have you finished raving
about Rave'? Thank you.

Do you know where
we could find her mother?

Carsely Police are saying
that my Kylie killed herself.

She'd never kill herself.

Not on her wedding day
or any other day!

Oh, it's really difficult
to say this,

but...were they happy'?

I told here she was too young
to get married,

but...she never listened to me.

I was 22 when I got married...

...to my ex-husband.

I'd really like to help, Freda.

(Meows)

I was wrong about Zac.

That's not the face of a man
about to murder his wife.

Maybe it was suicide.

Can we stop talking about this'?
This is a business meeting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charles.

What is a mother losing a child

compared to you having
three weddings cancelled?

- (Phone rings)
- Urgh...

- What?
- I wanted to say sorry

before you saw it on the news.

Kylie Stokes didn't drown. She
disappeared after her wedding.

At some point after that,
she was killed,

and her body was deep-frozen,
then dumped in the river.

You were right.

It wasn't suicide.
It was murder.

- It was murder.
- What'? How'?

Her body was deep-frozen
and dumped in the river.

Deep-frozen'?
Oh, that's horrible.

I have to talk to Zac.
And to Kylie's friends.

No!

I just think, er,
you shouldn't talk to anyone.

Just leave it to the police.

And what about your precious
wedding business?

Forget about my bloody business!

I'm asking you, Agatha, please,
not to get involved.

It's unlike Charles
to get so emotional, isn't it'?

The only thing Charles is
so emotional about

is his bank balance,
whatever he says.

Oh, here we go, look.

I'm here with Kylie Stokes's
broken-headed bridesmaid.

Now, Sharon,
can 1 ask for your reaction

to the police announcement
that Kylie was murdered?

Yes. It's just awful.

I worked with Kylie at
Barringtons, like we all did.

- I loved that girl.
- And can 1 ask your name?

Phyllis Heger.
Purchase !edger clerk.

And model.

Kylie had two bridesmaids.
I met the other one briefly.

I need to talk to her.

And Zac.
And that awful Phyllis creature.

But without Wilkes
knowing about it.

Simples. Right?

You saw how desperate
they were to be on TV.

We could say
that Roy is the producer

of a new reality TV show about
being young in the Cotswolds.

Answer. Dreadful.

They'll tell you everything
to be famous.

No, I like it.

"The Only Way ls Evesham"?

- (Laughs)
- "Made In Moreton-ln-Marsh"!

I'll say I'm doing PR
for your company.

And I could say that I'm
one of the stars of the show,

like, erm...the sexiest cleaner
in the Cotswolds!

I mean, I won't say that.

In you go.

(Thumping dance music)

- Hey...
- What have you come as'?

- A TV producer.
- What, a blind one'?

Oh. They're your own clothes,
aren't they?

YES!

Aww. I can't believe
I'm back in Rave.

I think I got off with that
barman back in '02.

Look. Zac's dad. Over there.

But where is Zac'?

Hm! She's the one I spoke to
at the wedding. Look.

Like to order two of our
friend Kylie-who-died's

favourite cocktails.

Two Screaming Orgasms, please.

BARMAN: Right up.

You...would look great
on camera.

- What about me'?
- Hollywood...

So, if we do this show of yours,
what I want to know is...

- Will you get paid?
- Can I release my own perfume?

For clefs.
This is a high-profile show,

especially with all the media
attention the town's getting

over the Kylie Stokes murder.

Oh... She was our friend.

I was on TV about that.

Yeah. Do you know, I was at the
wedding doing a little bit of PR

for another client.

Anyway.
And I don't want to gossip,

but it did not look to me
as if Zac Lees-an was enjoying

his...very special day.

What do you mean, gossip?

Look, I don't want to be on TV
about anything.

Kylie was my best friend.

And Zac too. And we're both
heartbroken that she's gone!

- Oh!
- That's a shame.

Tragic. Cos we were
thinking a tragic love story...

- I was thinking that.
- Romeo and Juliet...

...stands the test of time.

It would be totes emosh!

- Totes.
- Kylie definitely loved Zac

and knew he was the one.
It was so romantic.

Apart from when Phyllis
threatened to kill Kylie

for stealing Zac off her.
That wasn't so romantic.

Oh, so Phyllis and Zac
were a couple?

I thought
they were best friends?

Phyllis is a lot of things.
She hated Kylie.

Phyllis...

...is a psycho.

I want you to leave.

You're upsetting Joanna talking
about my daughter-in-law.

- And you're upsetting me.
- Sorry.

It's just, my client is about to
embark on a new TV reality show

and we were hoping
to feature your club.

And therefore we'd need to talk
to you and to Zac...

My son's in no state
to talk to anyone.

You leave my son alone.
Now would you kindly go'?

Well, Zac looks just fine to me.
I mean, really quite fine.

GEMMA: Look at his dad, though.
He looks well dodge.

AGGIE: Maybe he's just playing
the protective father card.

Either way, we're gonna have to
talk to that Phyllis girl.

(indistinct chatter)

CUP--...

(Echoing, indistinct voices)

(Echoing) Agatha?

Can you hear me'?

Agatha?

(Muffled) Agatha.

Are you all right'?

- What are you doing here'?
- I was following you.

I told you I was worried about
you getting into danger.

Come on.

- OK'?
- Yeah.

Agatha,
you need to drop this case,

before you get yourself killed.

Come on.

(Car doors close)

- Are you sure you're OK'?
- Yeah.

What's he up to'?

- Bye.
- See you later.

Ooh!

(Groans)

Are you OK'? What is it'?

Come on, let's get you inside.
OK.

Come on. Let's get you inside.

- Did Charlie call the police'?
- No. Didn't even suggest it.

Ridiculous. Well, I will.

No, no. Don't.

Don't tell Wilkes. I told him
I wouldn't get involved.

Plus,
with this whole TV scam thing,

I could very well be charged.

I'm not giving up.

I'm clearly on to something and
I have to solve this one, James.

I need to talk to Zac
if I'm to rule him out.

And that awful Phyllis Heger
creature.

- I'm coming with you.
- Oh, no, it's OK.

- Charlie said that he...
- Well, he's not.

These are dangerous people.

And unlike Charles,
I was a soldier.

You're gonna be in very safe
hands with James here,

who is our...Head of Talent.

Ooh! Like a posh Simon Cowell!

Yes, like a posh Simon Cowell.

Erm... Anyway, we, Phyllis,
are looking for a star.

You've found her, babes.
The search is over, Posh Simon.

(Flat) Hurray.

(Mouths)

(Whispers) Big freezer.

Yeah, what I was going to say
from a PR perspective,

as soon as someone new
is in the media,

the tabloids are gonna start
digging, digging for secrets.

Let 'em. I've got no secrets.

I'm an open book, me.

Good.
While we're on the subject,

did you threaten to kill Kylie'?

What'?

- What's that got to do with it'?
- I just told you.

Yeah, I threatened her.
She stole my Zaccy.

I loved him.
But enough to kill Kylie'? No!

She made a few threats
of her own, I can tell you.

Did she'? Do you wanna tell us'?

Tan! She had an affair with
our boss, Bernie Barrington.

Bernie Barrington'?

The one who gave her away
at the wedding'?

Exactly. And when the old perv
wanted to finish it,

Kylie threatened to tell
his wife unless he paid her off.

Do you think you could get
a body in that freezer'?

You think Phyllis did it'?

I think she's guilty of being
a brainless tan.

But a murderous brainless tan'?
Who knows?

What about Kylie
blackmailing Barrington'?

- I know!
- Maybe Phyllis made that up.

If she didn't make it up, then
Barrington is our prime suspect.

And a dirty old man.

But I'm hoping that Kylie's
best friend Joanna

can tell me the truth
about that.

Freda gave me her address,
so I'll see her now. Alone.

Don't want you to scare her off.

But, thank you. Your help was
much appreciated today.

Nice hanging out with you...
Posh Simon.

See you later, Agatha.

Hi. l...l want to apologise
about the other night.

I know you don't want
any involvement in the show.

But, well, if Kylie's story
comes up - and it is bound to -

I just want to make sure
that it's dealt with properly.

Thank you.

Fields.
ls that the family business?

It was. My grandads old shop.

It's a bit spooky
living above it,

but it's so close
to Barringtons, to work.

Agatha wants to ask
some questions about Kylie.

No. I'm so sorry.

I'd have come back another time.

I really
don't want to disturb...

No, no.
You're not disturbing anything.

We were just looking at
the albums.

Thank you.

That was the year
we started school.

Oh, it's lovely.

I was the one that started them.
I kept them up.

I'm the nerd.
Kylie was busy living life.

Me and the six-year-old
Zac Lees-an.

He asked me to go out with him
at morning break.

By lunchtime he dumped me
and went back out with Kylie.

Head-breaker even then.

No, they're in order!

For God's sake,
it doesn't matter!

No. Sorry.

I'm a bit on edge
at the minute... We all are.

What did you want to ask us
about Kylie'?

Oh, it can wait. Really.

It can wait.

You look after yourself, Freda.

There was something
you wanted to ask, wasn't there?

Oh, no, no. Now is not the time.

No, please, Agatha,
I want to know.

OK.

Well...

There is a rumour that Kylie...

was having an affair with...
Bernie Barrington.

(Doorbell)

"You lying,
perverted bitch, Raisin!"

- Coming!
- "You are just jealous

because she was young
and beautiful,

- you dried-up old spinster!"
- You're not dried up.

- Or old.
- You are a spinster.

- Hello.
- Hi, Bill.

What'?

We've had a complaint from...

Freda Stokes.
Yes, tell me about it.

I'm going to. She wants you to
stop meddling in Kylie's case.

To be fair, Bill, she very much
wanted me to meddle

- in Kylie's case.
- I know. But that has to stop.

Also, we've been getting reports
of TV people

asking a lot of questions
about Kylie's murder.

Oh! Vultures! That's the media
for you. No shame.

Producer's an effeminate man
in his 40$...

40s'? No, he's... ls he'?

I mean, I've worked
in the media for a while

and I would say a producer
of a TV show like that

would be quite butch,
probably in his early 30s.

Hm...

Anything else
you'd like to tell me'?

No.

Right. Well...

(Door opens and closes)

You should have told him about
Barrington and Kylie.

After we've talked
to Barrington ourselves.

No, you can't talk to Barrington
or anyone else about Kylie.

No, I can't. But you can.
You need to talk to him

and flatter him into taking part
in the TV show.

Not on your own.

Barrington could be a killer.
I'll go with you.

James! No offence. You may have
been an exemplary soldier,

but you are the least convincing
fake reality TV producer ever.

- Oh...
- This is a job for a good liar,

someone with absolutely no
morals or scruples whatsoever.

Thank you, sweetheart

Every show needs a precinct-

a Central Perk, a Queen Vic,
a Rovers Return.

Something that isn't a pub
or a coffee shop could work too.

Like the offices of a company

that sells computer software to
accountants. Like Barringtons.

Could be good for business.

Bernie, I see you
as a Cotswolds Alan Sugar.

"You're fired."

Actually, you're not fired,
little lady.

You're promoted, and I'm going
to slip you a great big bonus.

Hm...

Agatha, I was wondering if you'd
like to come over to Barfield,

have a bite of supper,
update me on the case'?

Charlie, is this another
of your lame excuses

to get me over to your house
and make another pass at me'?

Because I'm telling you,
you are wasting your time.

- Charlie loves a challenge.
- Yes, I know he does.

Although thanks to Freda Stokes,
I've bumped myself eff the case.

All right! I'll see you later.

BOTH; Hi.

OK,
I'll get straight to the point.

We are having an exhibition
of old photographs

of Carsely and Evesham.

Would you mind helping out
out at the tea stall?

- Everyone else has said no.
- Why has everyone else said no'?

- No.
- Huh! Agatha!

You moan about being made to
feel like you're an outsider.

You will be unless you
get involved in village life.

Oh...! (Groans)

- OK.
- That's the spirit.

- You're fired!
- You're funny.

Oh. Ha-ha!

Oh! She's a tease!

Ciao for now.

Pssst!

What'? He didn't see me.

I wanted to see how
you were getting on.

How did you get on'?

I told you,
he could be a killer.

I wanted to make sure Gemma
and Roy had protection.

Once he'd finished
trying to feel me up,

I gave him the, "You can't have
skeletons in the closet

if you're the Cotswolds'
Alan Sugar" line.

Then asked him if Kylie
was blackmailing him.

- What did he say'?
- He denied it.

Our frozen bride Kylie
couldn't blackmail Barrington

because his wife already knew
they were having an affair.

In fact, it was his wife's idea
to give Kylie the 15 grand.

As a wedding present.

And as a thank you
for having sex with Bernie

so that she didn't have to have
sex with Bernie.

(Knocking on door)

Freda, before you say anything,

firstly I want to apologise for
any hum I may have caused you.

And secondly, I think
that you should hear this.

There it is.
15 grand from Barrington.

Oh, Kylie,
what were you thinking?

So who killed my girl'?

I don't know.

No...

The day before the wedding,
she received five grand

from Charlie Fraith.

You need to tell the police.
Charles is my oldest friend.

I can't believe he's a murderer.

- Exactly. Which is why...
- But old friend or not,

it's not looking good.

He was all over the place when
you told him Kylie was murdered.

He kept badgering you
to drop the case

and didn't even call the police
when you got mugged!

And he gave the victim ?5,000!

I'm sure there is a perfectly
innocent explanation

for that money.

Well, there's probably
a very guilty explanation,

but I'm pretty certain it
doesn't involve killing anyone.

So, I am going
to go to his house,

we're going to have dinner
and I'll talk to him about it.

But surely him inviting you
to dinner,

isn't that suspicious
in the first place?

Well, not really, no.

It's just a ruse to get me over
so he can make a pass at me.

So, James, how do I look'?

Really lovely.

Thank you.

(Flirty laughter)

Oh, you're good for me,
Charlie Fraith.

I think
I'd rather be bad for you.

Stop! What are you like'?

Mm. This is really delicious.

- What is it'?
- I don't know.

- Something from the freezer.
- (Gags)

- Are you all right'?
- Yeah.

I think I need some water.

No, it's OK. I need to go
to the toilet anyway.

- Just twist...
- Yeah.

Oh...

OK...

- Agatha?
- (Cries out)

- What are you doing in here'?
- I was just, er...

Pop-Tans are great,
aren't they?

I need to go and get
some Pop-Tans right now.

But you haven't had your dinner,

and, erm,
you can have those Pop-Tans.

I only bought them
for my nephew.

I-I'd quite like to have
my own Pop-Tans.

- I'm funny like that.
- (Thudding)

- You should probably get that.
- (Thudding continues)

- I don't want to.
JAMES: Charlie?

Charlie?

I was in the area and I thought
maybe Agatha needs a lift home.

And you were right.
So, well done!

Your car's just there! And
you've only had one drink!

But I was pre-drinking.

Prinking. I probably shouldn't
have driven that car.

Bye, Charlie.

(Bell tolls)

- What are we looking out for?
- Anything out of the ordinary.

Suspicious behaviour.

So sorry...

- What's the matter?
- Something...

I don't know...

Something familiar about
Joanna's dress.

Whisky?

Oh, I er...

I might have something to eat
before I start on the whisky.

Surprised that Freda could
afford Barfield for the wake.

She couldn't.
I gave it to her for free.

Did you'? Very kind of you.

To be honest,

I'm feeling guilty.

Why do you feel guilty, Charlie?

Something borrowed.

- I'm sorry?
- Joanna?

Oh, not now, please.

I was just gonna say
it's a beautiful dress.

Yeah, it is.

Local designer from Cheltenham.
My favourite.

It's very similar to Kylie's
wedding dress.

The fabric, the detail even.

Was that the something
she borrowed from you'?

Sure. Erm, Freda didn't have
enough money for a nice dress

and I wanted Kylie to look
beautiful on her big day,

- so...
- Aww!

Why did you have
a wedding dress?

Have you been married before'?

No. Well, almost.

I bought it when I thought
this man loved me enough

to ask me to marry him.

Turns out
he didn't love me at all.

Oh... Who was that, then'?

Sorry, I probably
shouldn't have asked that.

You're right, you shouldn't.

But...

It was Terry Lees-an. Zac's dad.

But, please, it's a secret.

Terry would hate Zac to know he
was sleeping with Zac's friend.

Hm...

- Yeah, you're right.
- You know it makes sense.

Charlie... I owe you an apology.

You're clearly
in some kind of trouble

and I should be helping...

But the truth is, my feelings...

for Agatha
are getting in the way.

Sir Charles Fraith.

Acting on information
supplied anonymously,

we're arresting you on suspicion
of the murder of Kylie Stokes.

(All gasp)

I called them in.

- I'm sorry, but I had...
- (Wails)

- Easy!
' (Wails)

- You're making a mistake.
- No, you're making a mistake.

Unless you want to be arrested
for withholding evidence.

Agatha Raisin. Don't turn round,
my dad'll see.

I need to talk to you.
I've got to talk to someone.

Meet me at the church tonight
around 11.

Please, just be there.

It's all right.
It's a big shock.

It's a big shock.

The mike should be live now.
Can you hear me, Agatha?

Yes. Testing. Testing.

Ground control to DC Wong.
Can you hear me, DC Wong'?

The Reverend and Mrs Bloxby
should leave. It's almost time.

The Reverend and Mrs Bloxby
should leave now.

For it is almost time.

Thank you for turning
my church into a crime scene.

I didn't ask to meet here,
Your Holiness.

I shall put some money
in the little envelope.

Jez is a vicar, not the Pope.

Semantics. Your Grace.

- (Bell strikes)
- Oh! God!

- Oh! Sorry!
" (Door opens)

Station had a call
from Terry Lees-an.

He's reported Zac missing.

Terry! Can we talk'?

You're the last person I'd
talk to. I'm calling the police.

No, no, no.
No, please don't do that.

You know Zac had asked
to speak to me last night?

They told me, yeah.

Any idea what he may have wanted
to talk to me about?

I have no idea why anyone would
want to talk to you people.

I know about you
and Joanna Field.

- What?
- She told me. Yesterday.

That you and her had
had a relationship.

Me and Joanna
had a relationship?

Are you crazy'? I used to pick
that kid up from nursery.

What perverted nonsense
are you making up new?

I understand why you wouldn't
want Zac to know about...

You come near me or my son
again, and I promise you,

I will hurt you!

- (Phone rings)
- Urgh...

Where are you'? You promised
to help out with the tea stall.

Ohhh!

(Low chatter
and classical music)

I can't believe I'm at some
dismal photo exhibition

when I should be out
cracking the case.

Terry Leeson's up to something,
I know it.

Leave the police work
to the police, Agatha.

Anyway, speaking as a historian,
I find this fascinating.

Really? Well, speaking as
a normal person,

I find it profoundly dull.

Agatha. Mr Green
would like to give you a tour

as a thank you for helping out.

And what a very nice thank you
that is too.

- I will have my revenge.
- I know.

And here is
the Old Town library,

which, interestingly,

was on a different site to
the New Town library.

That's amazing.
Who'd have thought it'?

Right,
talk me through this one, then.

I haven't finished
talking about this one.

I think you have.

Oh. That'?
No particular interest there.

Wyvern Street, Evesham,
in the 1970s.

Featuring
the old Barringtons building

The old what'? What building'?

Now if you don't mind, I should
probably be packing up.

Hey! Not so hasty, Mr Green.

Wait a minute!

That's Fields.

- What?
- Fields.

Yes, Fields. Family butcher's.

Though to be honest,

I used to prefer Dowie's
on the High Street.

Oh, yes,
their sirloin was wonderful.

Butchers have freezers,
Mr Green.

Butchers have freezers!

Well, yes, I would hope so.

Otherwise the threat to public
health would be unimaginable.

Joanna!

Joanna?

Joanna?

Joanna?

(Glass shattering)

Oh, please, God.
Let it just be Pop-Tans.

(Screams, gasps)

I knew something
wasn't right at the club

when you started asking
questions about Kylie.

And then Freda tells me

the famous Agatha Raisin is
investigating Kylie's murder.

- I tried to shut you up then.
- It was you!

You that hit me in the street.

Did you kill Kylie Stokes'?

I loved Zac.

He said he loved me.

And then that little tart
stole him from me,

like she's stolen everything
from me since kindergarten.

So...yes...

I killed Kylie.

The great thing about your
grandad being a butcher,

apart from the free sausages...

...is you learn...
how to use a knife,

to out up a carcass...
or even a body.

Straight to voice-mail.
Let's go to Fields.

Wait!

If anyone could, er...
get a snap of Fields,

I should be very grateful.

You know me and Zac
were having an affair,

right up until the day
he asked her to marry him'?

And a good few days after.

I said to him, "I hope I don't
get too drunk at the wedding,

and tell all your guests you've
been shagging a bridesmaid!"

Which is why
he was looking so shifty.

Cos he thought you were going
to spill the beans.

Poor gullible Zac.

Him and Kylie came over
the day after the wedding

to return the dress.

The smug bitch crowing about
the happiest day of her life.

22 years of being second best.

I snapped. I went for her.

Zac pulled her off me.

Whack! She hits her head.

Zac knew
it would look bad for us.

Well, of course,
he wants to go to the police.

I said, "Yeah, sure, OK.

You go to the police,

and I will tell everybody
about our affair

and that you did it
deliberately."

And then that night,
when the floods came,

- we dumped her in the river.
- In your wedding dress?

Nice touch, eh'?
That was my idea.

- (Gasps)
- (Manic laugh)

And then yesterday
Zac comes round

and he tells me that he's gonna
see you and tell you everything.

So I pushed him in here
and froze him to death.

- (Agatha screams)
- (Shouting)

- Get back.
- Drop the knife!

- I'll do it! I'll kill her!
- Calm down. Calm down.

- Get back!
- Put the knife down!

No! No!

(Meows)

Kylie came to see me
a week before the wedding.

But for someone wanting
to talk quotes from caterers,

she was wearing very little.

She made a pass at me

and, er...l couldn't resist.

Well, you could. But you didn't.

Well...

So, we were kissing
and getting a little fruity,

and suddenly she's shouting,
not in a good way.

She's saying I've assaulted her

and that the only thing
stopping her going to the police

is if I reduced the price
of the reception by ?5,000.

Well, at ?5,000,
that was a very expensive snog.

Well, to be honest, we might
have got a bit further than...

Whoa, whoa! That's enough.

Spare the ladies
the gory details.

No. This lady wants
the gory details!

- No, better not.
- Oh, OK.

This lady's
putting the kettle on, then.

And this gentleman's
gonna come with you.

I'd just like to say that,
erm...

...l don't have any feelings.

Yes, I think we all know that,
Charlie.

I mean, at least not like
the ones we were talking about.

So...

Good luck.

(Chuckles)
What's all that about?

Absolutely no idea.

- How old')...
- Did...

Erm... I was just gonna say,

how old were you
when you got married'?

Me'? Old enough to know better.

Do you have any regrets?

I don't really
believe in regret.

I think if you make a mistake,

you should just...
try not to make it again.

Yep. You're right.

I'm gonna stay single forever.

Right. Where's that tea'?

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