All language subtitles for BostonLegal.5.06.HappyTrails_LOL.EN

Previously on Boston Legal…

Oh, I'm in trouble now.

Yes.

What's with me?

I killed a man.

I bludgeoned him
with his own skillet.

There are only two “get out of
jail free” cards in the game,

and you've used them both up.

You know what you are?

–A hoot.
–With a capital “h”,

that's what you are.

–My friend—
–I am not your friend.

You and me on a road trip…

–A dude ranch.
–A dude ranch?

It's horses and—and sheep.

We'll have campfires and
marshmallows and tents and…

sheep.

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All right. Be honest.

Have you ever ridden
a horse before?

Of course I have. Why?

You look a little stiff.

You know what? Don't worry
about me, Denny. I've ridden plenty.

Just like riding a bike—

never forget.

When have you ridden a horse?

–When I was a kid.
–Where?

At a party.

–A pony?
–No.

I don't know.

His name was Thunderclap.

He had a hat with holes
cut out for his ears.

All right, look,
we can't do this.

–Why not?
–Because this is a serious dude ranch,

dude.
–Well…

We got a rodeo
followed by a 3-day ride

and no Ritz-Carltons along the way.

–What's your point?
–My point is,

this is obviously the first time
you've ever mounted a proper horse.

I know how to ride just fine.
Don't worry about me.

Oh! Oh.

Well, this is what
I call a small world,

that's what this is.

Look at you, Al…
–Oh, jeez.

Snuggling up to your horse
like two peas in a pod.

Am I right, Denny?
Whoo-ee! Ride 'em, cowboy.

To each his own,
that's what I say.

Who is this guy?

Melvin Palmer. I don't
believe we've actually met.

A pleasure. I am a big fan.

Al and I go way back,
that's what we do.

Hey, we need to be bunkies,
that's what we need to do.

Home on the range,
where the deer,

the antelope and
the three of us play.

This is gonna be a hoot.

I want to go home.

Whoa!

Boston Legal 5×06

I asked for Alan.

He's out of state.
You get me.

What did you do?

Well,

I was a victim of terrible
malpractice if you must know.

And I took issue
with the doctor.

You took issue
with the doctor how?

I blew him up.

I didn't mean to.

I only meant to set fire
to his office.

How would I know
he'd run back inside?

So basically,
you committed murder.

Well, aren't you
a defendant's dream?

My God, Catherine.

Look, honey,
the doctor didn't die.

In fact, he was only
barely hurt.

Uh, so I'm only charged
with attempted murder.

I'm sure you'll do fine,
but you won't be as good as Alan.

Why don't you
tell me what went down?

What exactly was his malpractice?

Well, I have some kidney issues,

and I became anæmic.

The doctor put me on a drug

that caused me to have
a small heart attack.

I'm fine now,
but I could've died.

Then I come to find out

this doctor is taking kickbacks
from the maker of the drug.

That's when I decided
to torch his office

and inadvertently blew him up.

I've already been arraigned,

so you needn't
bother with the trivial.

Let's just go to trial.

And I'd like a speedy one.

After all, I'm old.

As are you, dear.

She handled her own arraignment.

Evideny, she's gotten quite comfortable
with the judicial process.

What will be your
defense, revenge?

Temporary insanity.

It's my only choice.
Plus, she is nuts.

Katie.

I need you to do some checking
for me on a doctor.

Also, I need a little background
on a drug called axelogen.

–Okay.
–And then there's a—

I'm terribly sorry.

My computer calendar is off.

It indicated Halloween
was today. I apologize.

I'm headed home to change.

It won't happen again.

Balls, balls, balls.

I get one of those damn little smartphones
'cause supposedly, they do everything—

music, daily planner, e-mail, text—

but ask it to keep track
of the damn date?

I guess that's too much.
You like my outfit?

It's not Halloween,

and I would have to be seen
by Shirley and Sack.

Balls, balls, balls!

If it's any consolation,
I think you look lovely.

It's not funny.

Carl.

Bo.

Jerry, you've made rather
a point of saying that

this is the year
that you will make partner.

There are many ways of
getting that job done, Jerry.

Prancing around the office
as little Bo Peep…

is not one of the better ones.

Won't happen again.

Uh, this is a-a very
grown-up place, Jerry.

Halloween is a kids' thing.

I actually arrived
before the fire department.

And, sir, what possessed you
to enter the building?

Well, the fire looked
fairly small when I got there…

and I thought
I could rescue my files.

And the woman who set this fire,

she was your patient?

Yes.

And what were you
treating her for?

She has some kidney disease

for which she gets
occasional dialysis treatments.

She was suffering from some anæmia,
so I put her on axelogen.

And that was for the anæmia?

Yes. At first,
it worked quite well.

She then suffered
the heart attack.

That was unfortunate,
but it was also unforeseeable.

Sometimes there are side effects
that you just can't anticipate,

especially with
these new drugs.

Sweet.

Are you my mount?

What did you just say?

I'm at a dude ranch, dude.
It's not like I can be choosy.

Besides, all the sheep
are spoken for. I checked.

Excuse me.
This is my wife here.

Really? Okay.

You must want me.

–What's going on here?
–What's going on is that

this man is making a
sexual advance on my wife.

She is nasty.

Excuse me?

In a slutty sort of way.

–Oh, my God.
–I paid a lot of money

for this vacation.
–And I'm trying to show her a good time.

Did you hear this?

Did you hear what this disgusting
person just said to my wife?

Go get your horse.

Fine.

My God.

What a thing.

What a thing.

It's terrible to
have a heart attack.

Have you had one?

–Not yet.
–Oh.

Something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

Well…

Catherine, at the time
the drug was considered safe.

By who? The manufacturer and him.

And he was on the take.

–Objection.
–Sustained.

Oh, do you realize,
doctors also get rebates?

That's in addition to the
little stipend under the table.

Objection.
Nothing is done under the table.

How do the rebates work,
Catherine? If you know.

Well, the doctor buys the drug directly
from the pharmaceutical company.

They give a rebate based on
the amount the doctor purchases.

Then the doctor sells it
to the patient—

no discount to reflect
the rebate—

and is reimbursed by either
Medicare or private insurance.

So he's making a cash windfall
every time he prescribes the drug.

The fix is in.

–Objection.
–Sustained.

These doctors
are bought and paid for.

Strike that.

And sometimes,
so are the judges.

Oh, not you, of course.

The other campers voted
to send you both home.

–What? Why?
–Why?

Because he made an unwanted
sexual advance on my wife.

Not in the spirit of things.

Now many of us paid a lot of
money for a wonderful escape,

the trip of a lifetime.

Irene didn't seem to mind.

Did you hear what he just said?

–Sir—
–You,

don't talk to me.
–What did I do?

He's just a hoot,
that's what he is.

He's a troublemaker—
not in the spirit.

Look, it's not that I wouldn't love to
leave this flea-infested paradise—

By the way, the brochure
never said the ranch included him.

Hooter.

Oh, my God.
He fondled my buttocks.

What⁈

Now listen,

I'm gonna give the two of you
one last warning.

You play by my rules,

or I send you packing.

Oh.

I paid a lot of money for
an experience of a lifetime here.

Get 'em out of here.

Denny, you promised
this would be fun.

I'm having fun.

This is a blast,
that's what this is…

hoot.

Carl.

Katie.

So tell me, Carl,
do you have Halloween plans?

Oh, that's right.
It's a kids' thing.

Were you always…

how you are now, Carl?

How I am now?

You know, so proper and…

behaved and…

And what?

Go ahead.

Take your best shot.
I'm a big boy.

You're not, actually.

I'd say you're a big grown-up.

It's a pity.

Oh, I wish you'd waited
till I got back, Shirley.

Well, make sure
you talk to the drug rep

from the pharmaceutical company.

You—you might even want
to put him on the stand.

Excuse me.

No phone calls allowed.

I have an emergency

We all have our offices.
We all have our little crises.

Do you see any of us on a phone?

He's not in the spirit again.

Could you just go off and
work with your dialect coach?

Did you hear that?

–Oh, leave him alone, Ian.
–What a thing.

What, are you taking his side?

You promised you
wouldn't be getting upset.

Well, now her vacation's ruined.

I don't know why you put up with him, Irene.
–Nobody was talking to you.

You've done nothing
but talk about me.

Because you've done nothing
but cause trouble.

You're an extra.
You don't get to talk.

Oh, my God.

Mr Rudeness—
that's what you are.

–Oh, my God!
–Hey.

What kind of example is that,
shooting a gun?

That's a terrible example to set.

Oh, my God.

Hey!
Aah!

Again!

I've about had it with you.
You understand?

Why does nobody like me?

I like you, bunkie.

You just stick close to me
for the rest of the trip.

My God. That one's
a homosexual.

Ian.

Supposed to be the trip of a lifetime,
and now we have a homosexual.

It's a “don't ask,
don't tell” dude ranch.

Surely you knew that, Ian.

The one in the middle's a masher,

you're rude, and he's gay,

and all three are from Boston.

All right, buddy. I'm gon'
take you out behind this…

I'm calling it like I see it.

I think she felt so violated
after the heart attack and angry

that she went into a mild
dissociative state.

What does that mean?

It means, basically,
that she snapped.

She was so blinded
by rage and fear,

she lost herself.

In my opinion, she was not capable
of forming a mental intent.

Are you getting paid
for this testimony?

–Objection.
–Overruled.

Are you getting paid?

I'm compensated
for my services, yes.

How much for today?

$10,000.

So she snapped, lit a fire,
but now she's sane again.

Is that about it?

I believe she's sane again, yes.

Got it.

♫ Michael, row your boat ashore ♫

♫ hallelujah ♫

♫ Michael, row your boat ashore ♫

♫ hallelujah ♫

♫ sister, help to trim the sails ♫

♫ hallelujah ♫

♫ sister, help to trim the sails… ♫

I can't believe
you got me into this.

Me? It was your idea.

My idea was to take
a trip, not do this.

Adjust your attitude.

Look.

I think Irene likes me.

♫… home on the other side ♫

♫ hallelujah ♫

Hey! All right!

Very nice.

Um… okay, Ian,
you got a request?

Yes, um, could you please
put the cigar out, please?

You know, it causes
cancer, and— and I—

I'm here for a wonderful
vacation escape, not cancer.

It keeps the bugs away.

If only it worked on pests.

That's a put-down.

–Ian, for God—
–No, no, never mind, Irene.

That was a total put-down.

Oh, come on. It was just a…

Put your foot down, man.

Everybody, quiet!

Damn it. This is supposed
to be a joyful sing-along

where we all bar

I have a problem.
These aren't even cowboy songs.

I paid a lot of money
for the experience of a lifetime, too.

I expected to hear cowboy songs.

How about “surrey with
the fringe on top”?

Or “sweet betsy from pike”?

“Michael, row your boat ashore”

is a religious song with
a nautical theme for the kids.

Next we'll have Irene here
singing in tongues.

–Excuse me⁈
–I don't want

my wife's name
out of your dirty mouth.

Do you hear me?

Whoa.

Would you please…

Hey, I got a cowboy song.

Pass me that guitar, sport.

You know I am
a get-along kind of guy

that's what I am.

And in the spirit of us all
gettin' along here,

I'm gonna dedicate this
little number to my buddies

Alan and Denny.

♫ as I walked out ♫

♫ in the streets of Laredo ♫

♫ as I walked out ♫

♫ in Laredo one day ♫

♫ I spied a young cowboy ♫

♫ all dressed in white linen ♫

♫ wrapped in white linen ♫

♫ as cold as the clay ♫

♫ I see by your outfit ♫

♫ that you are a cowboy ♫

♫ I see by your outfit ♫

♫ that you are one, too ♫

♫ we see by your outfits ♫

♫ that you are both cowboys ♫

♫ if we get some outfits ♫

♫ we can be cowboys, too ♫

They're making fun of us.

I heard it.

That was a Smothers brothers' bit.

You know, I didn't like that song.

We went to a lot of trouble
to get just the right outfits,

and we quite like them.

That song wasn't
in the spirit, Melvin.

Well, good buddy,

most hats don't
come with on/off buttons.

Turn your hats on, Al, Denny.

Let the group see.

There's nothing wrong with a hat

be used as a light source
in case of emergency.

No doubt. Turn 'em on.
Let us have a look.

–What?
–They're just jealous.

Come on, Denny.
Let's go back to the tent.

Do you think there are
mountain lions out there…

or wolves?

Could be.

Denny, I really
want to go home.

Can we please go home
in the morning?

–It's our first day.
–I don't care.

I don't like
pooping in the woods.

I may have wiped myself
with poison oak.

And I don't like the group.

It reminds me when I was little
and kids were mean.

I was bullied
as a child, you know?

Alan, I gotta
tell you something,

and I don't want you
to take it personally.

Promise me you won't
take it personally.

Ok, what?

I-I have an erection.

Oh!

It has nothing to do
with you personally. I swear.

I've had it all day,

ever since I took the viagra
thinking it was my hay fever pills.

And I-I think I got one of those

priapism things.

–That can be dangerous.
–I know.

What if the group finds out?

Alan, would you take a look?
Because—

Absolutely not.

–Alan—
–No.

Well, what am I gonna do?

Plus, I gotta pee,

which is almost impossible when—

We are going home
first thing in the morning.

What was that?

Something's out there.

Hello?

Hello.

Go out and look.

–You go.
–No, you have to pee anyway.

There.

It's just a sheep.

Are they vicious,
the wild ones?

I don't think so.

I'm gonna go try and pee.

Hurry.

Get back in this tent.

What?

Don't even think of it.
Just… get back here.

I think she loves me.

Never mind.

That's me, in college.

And… here, here.

That's me in high school.

I was wild.

My parents thought I was
a problem, all right?

I was plenty wild.

My goodness.
Who is this person?

So don't pity me.
I was once very much a kid.

I-I never meant to
imply that you weren't.

I was simply pitying the fact
that you no longer are.

They—they say we were
happiest as children,

and those most happy in adulthood

are the ones who never
let die the child within.

There are plenty of proper lawyers
who dress up on Halloween…

or who wear hula skirts in Hawaii.

Denny and Alan are off somewhere
pretending to be cowboys…

but that sort of nonsense
doesn't work for Carl Sack.

That's not him.

Perhaps someone he used
to be, but not anymore.

Most certainly not.

Don't take it personally, Carl.

Oh, how can I not, Shirley?

It wasn't a professional criticism.

It was personal.

Actually, I wouldn't mind a
professional critique once in a while,

but…

well, personally,
I consider myself..

professional.

What—don't bite your lip.

I don't like it
when you bite your lip.

How about I bite yours?

Oh, you're handling me now.

–Yes, I am.
–Mm.

–In the office.
–I know.

I'm not a fuddy-duddy.

Yes, you are,
a little one.

It doesn't matter.
I like fuddy-duddies.

And hey, should McCain get in,

we'd actually have
a fuddy-duddy in chief.

Oh. Elmer Fuddy-duddy.

–Let's go to dinner.
–I can't.

I have to work on my closing.

Lord knows what I'm gonna say.

She practically blew up her doctor.

You sound a little dismissive.

Well, if you knew
this crazy Catherine Piper…

Did I ever tell you
how my mother died?

New blood thinner medication,
which, when combined with aspirin,

caused her to bleed out
through an ulcer.

Turns out her doctor,
who prescribed the medication,

was a paid consultant
for the drug company.

But you don't think doctors
are on the take, do you?

I think they prescribe
drugs they think are safe.

But, I mean, let's face it,

with the rising malpractice premiums,
lower HMO reimbursements,

many doctors can't even afford
to practice these days

without pharmaceutical
consulting grants.

And with those grants…

comes a loss of objectivity.

Did this doctor at least
tell this crazy Catherine Piper

that he was on
the drug company's payroll?

No.

Hmm.

Hello.

Denny. Denny!

Where are you?

I'm trapped.

You gotta come and help me.

Trapped?

Where? What's going on?

In Hoberinn's tent.

I came to visit Irene.

–What?
–Shh.

I fell asleep after.
Now Irene's gone.

And Ian's passed out
on top of me.

I can't move.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Get over here
and help get me free

before he wakes up.

–Where's Irene?
–I don't know.

Just get over here. Hurry.

Which tent are you—

Never mind.

I think I know.

Oh, my.

See if you can get his leg off.

Where's Irene?

Would you forget about Irene?

Mm. Mm.

Hurry!

Don't rush me.

Get his arm.

This won't be easy.

Aah!

–Aah!
–Aah!

I still don't understand.
Where exactly was Irene?

She went out to pee.

Then Ian came in drunk, crashed.

Let's get outta here.

Maybe we can get back
in time for Halloween.

We could go as cowboys.

And where do you think you're goin'?

We're gettin' the hell outta dodge.

What's with the rifle?

You have to marry Irene,

or the sheep or the captain
of the hockey team.

You think you're funny.

I paid a lot of money
for the trip of a lifetime.

Well, you certainly got that,
didn't you, Ian?

In addition to being
head of this dude ranch,

I'm a volunteer constable sheriff.

Good for you.

I'm placing you under arrest.

Arrest?

For what?

Adultery is a crime
in the state of Utah,

as is fornication out of wedlock.
–Very funny.

–You have the right to remain silent—
–You must be joking.

And you're under arrest, too.

Me? For what?

Conspiracy to commit adultery,

aiding and abetting
an adulterer and a fornicator.

Now you have the experience
of a lifetime, don't you,

Mr Boston, Mr Red Sox fan,

Mr aider and abetter
from the evil Red Sox nation?

All right. That does it.

–Oh, for God's sake.
–Ian!

–Denny.
–It's a—

It's a tranq gun.
He'll sleep it off.

Put down your weapon now, sir.

Whether the doctor
made a mistake or not,

that doesn't give her the right
to set fire to his office.

Oh, sure. They put up
a hired gun expert to claim

that she was temporarily insane.

“dissociative state,”

couldn't distinguish
right from wrong,

not capable of forming
mental intent—

all the technical buzzwords

to allow you to free

a sweet old lady.

But you all know what happened.

She got mad…

and got even.

You know the death grip
the pharmaceutical industry

has on this country.

They've infiltrated the FDA.

A study showed that

90% of all FDA advisory meetings

had at least one person
with ties to big pharmigeutical,

and then there's Congress.

Big pharma gave members of
Congress $70 million since 1990.

So who does that leave us
with but our doctors?

And even they're being bought.

Between consulting fees and rebates,

doctors get hundreds of millions
of dollars every year,

and my God, look what's happening.

Drugs are being prescribed like candy.

A famed Harvard psychiatrist—

he helped fuel the recent boom
in antipsychotics for kids—

turns out he personally took
over $1.6 million from drug makers

over the past seven years.

Um,

he also failed to report this income
to the university, by the way.

How can this be?

We have no regulations,
no disclosure procedures in place.

Nothing to ensure

that we the patients can know

whether our doctor
is on the take.

How can this be?

Catherine Piper
had a heart attack.

She almost died.

An unsafe drug was rushed
to the market.

It was prescribed
by her own physician,

perhaps because he had
a financial incentive to do so.

She nearly died.

When you go back to
that room, I want you to…

try to imagine what it's like
to suffer a heart attack,

to be lying on your kitchen floor

with no one around,
thinking…

“this is it.”

It may not even possible
to imagine that.

But then…

she found out

that the person she
perhaps trusted the most

did this to her.

It made her crazy.

Wouldn't it you?

Jerry?

Katie.

You have a paper bag
over your head.

I do.

Could you tell me why?

I was looking to crawl
under a big rock.

There were none available.

The reason you wanted to
crawl under a big rock?

I passed three partners today
who called me Bo.

A fourth referred to me
as the peepster.

Evidently I was seen dressed
for Halloween prematurely.

And this is tragic?

It is if one wants
to make partner.

And if those same partners

were to catch a glance of you
with a paper bag on your head?

The damage is done.

Jerry, take the bag off.

You'll likely breathe in your own
carbon dioxide. It's not healthy.

Take it off.

Oh.

Do you know what happens to lawyers
who make partner, Jerry?

They become locked in, lifers.

I'm not sure that's
something you want.

Plus, there's rumors concerning
the firm's financial health.

We represent a lot of
mortgage lenders.

Partners don't just get the fruits.
They get all the liabilities.

It's just, for seven years,
I've chased this particular carrot.

Didn't get it.

Now I'm up again.

If I blow it—
–This is that important?

Yes.

Well, if my opinion counts
for anything, I…

I thought you made
a perfectly fab lady Peep.

What's wrong?

They were arrested.

–Who?
–Denny and Alan.

For what?

Ah, it seems Denny
committed adultery,

which evidently
can be prosecuted in…

I don't know what Alan did.

They're being arraigned
in the morning.

Can't they go to a stupid dude
ranch without get—

Boy, you just find everything
funny these days—

I'm—I'm sorry. I don't know
what happened there.

Yes, you do.

Denny did something crazy.

Last week, he bet on a case.

The week before that, he had his
penis hooked up to a monitor.

It was cock-a-doodle-doing
in a courtroom.

I mean, it's just
one thing after another.

Hey… and I'm not being
Elmer Fuddy, Shirley.

The man is losing his mind.

We all know it.
We laugh it off.

We say, “isn't the mad cow cute?”

At what point does it
stop being funny?

At what point do we all
admit the man needs help?

Case number 4-2-1-2.

State of Utah vs Denny Crane,

on the charge of adultery,

conspiracy to commit—
–Alan Shore for the defendant,

your honor.

We waive reading,
and plead not guilty

and ask for immediate extradition

to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts
or any jurisdiction

where the criminal justice code
isn't written in the good book.

Hold on. Wait a sec.

He's a defendant, too, judge.

Yes, I am, your honor.

Mr Crane would be
your adulterer and fornicator.

I would be your aider and abetter.

I'm not quite sure
how Irene escaped charges

since adulterating and fornicating
is traditionally done in tandem.

Mr Shore, defendants do not
speak in my courtroom.

Ah.

So that little right
to confront one's accuser?

How's that done,
on the web?

If you cannot afford counsel,

one will—
–I can. I'm rich.

Actually, Denny and I
flew here private.

We can afford the best attorneys
and sometimes judges that money can buy.

I'll represent myself,

and let me just toss out
as an ice breaker,

Utah is not the state that
wants to prosecute adultery.

While it may technically be a crime,
so's polygamy, which you don't prosecute.

I'm sure I'll get letters
for saying so, but you don't.

I seem to be getting a lot of
gavel whacks. Is it just me?

Your own attorney general,
uh, went on record as saying

you lack the resources to
go after all the polygamists.

Let's face it,
you've got a lot of them.

Not a judgment.
Personally, I'm a fan.

So's Denny. He's had six wives.
Is it six or seven?

The former head
of N.O.W in Utah—

I love that the national organization
of women actually has a chapter in Utah—

anyway, she said the antipolygamy law

has become as irrelevant as
the spitting-on-the-sidewalk ordinance.

Now I know how we all
love to spit in Utah.

You look like a lougie hacker
from way back. Send those letters.

I even find polygamy funny,
just a little—

these loser guys with
all these women, the hairdos.

Unfortunately, in many cases,
there's child abuse involved.

Whack away, but if you're
going to ignore child abusers

and come after me for
aiding and abetting adultery,

well, all I can say is,
take your shot.

Please. I beg you.
Take your shot.

Mr Shore, are you threatening
the good state of Utah?

You're a quick study. I can
see why they made you judge.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm ready to take on the state,
Mr Constable with the rifle there,

and you, and everyone you're
married to, let the fun begin.

Oh, it will be fun,
but first,

I don't let people represent
themselves in my courtroom,

so the first thing
we're going to do

is get you an independent lawyer.

Judge, I'll represent
the Hoot brothers.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna
be defended by him

or any other clown—
–I was there, judge.

I could be a witness,
in fact— your call—

but either way,
I could tell you a few things

about Mr Shore and Mr Crane.

Shall we go to chambers?

–Let's go.
–Wait a second.

If you're gonna have
an ex-parte meeting,

we have a right to be present.

Fine. But you keep
your mouth absolutely shut.

One word, and you're out.

What the hell are you doing?

Just do as the judge says, Al.

For once in your life,
let me do the talkin'.

First of all, I don't know—

First of all,
you don't talk.

Not a peep,
or you go to jail.

Let's hear it.

Judge, I'm gonna be honest.

I don't like this man.

The old guy I kind of enjoy.

He's just an old fart
who should be retired to stud.

But him? I'll tell you what,

I'm from Texas, and in Texas,

if somebody messes with
a man's wife, you shoot him.

Hell, he steps on
your property, you shoot him.

Well, let me tell you something,

this guy, he wants
to stand trial here.

That's why he was
baiting you like that.

He gets his jollies out of
playing David against Goliath,

that's what he does.
But the thing is,

he wields one hell of a slingshot.

He took on the entire supreme court,

insulted every one of 'em,
and he won his case to boot.

This man can make some
serious noise in a courtroom,

and let's face it,

none of us wants to see
a big flap here, do we?

Prosecuting for adultery?

Nobody does that,
not even Texas.

You certainly don't want
to be doing that here,

not with the polygamy thing going on.

Polygamy is illegal in Utah,
and not practiced by the majority—

But it goes on, judge.
It goes on.

And like he said,
often with underage girls.

Now Utah's a fine state—

fresh air, fine people,
orrin hatch— you got it all.

But this polygamy thing…

he's dying to get his day
in your court.

Don't make his day, judge.

Don't give this son of
a bitch what he wants.

Boot his girlie ass outta here.

Otherwise

you'll be spoon-feeding him
the soapbox of a lifetime.

Look at the way
he's drooling already.

So's the old guy,
but that's the mad cow.

I'm dismissing the charges.

Too bad, Al.

And I'm banning the both of you
from Utah for life.

What? I got rezzies at Deer
Valley. I'm already booked.

You'll be booked in here
if you don't shut your mouth!

Get out of here, both of you!

I never want to see you again.

They weren't out very long.

Do you think
they considered me sane?

If only they could
know you like I do.

I don't think I could
handle prison, Shirley.

I hear the fights in the yard
can get pretty rough.

Stiff upper lip, Catherine.

Will the defendant please rise?

Madam foreperson,

has the jury reached
a unanimous verdict?

We have, your honor.

“In the matter of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts vs Catherine Piper

”on the charge of
attempted murder and arson,

”we find the defendant
Catherine Piper

not guilty by reason
of temporary insanity.”

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

thank you for your service.
You are dismissed.

This court is adjourned.

Thank God they bought it.

Well, I guess prison's
gonna have to wait.

Well, until your next crime.

Oh, thank you, Shirley.

You've been almost like
a big sister to me.

I—I'm touched.

Melvin Palmer—of
all people to get us off.

I now have to feel
indebted to him.

Can you imagine—

–Ah, he's a good guy.
–Good guy?

–I like him.
–How can you possib—

Oh, my.

Okay.

Let's hear it.

You are so sexy.

–So are you.
–Thank you, Denny.

–We're off to a party.
–Really?

I thought maybe Carl was
taking you to his favorite club.

–Very funny.
–I'm not kidding, Carl.

After a few days on a dude ranch,
you actually look good to me.

Don't you agree, Denny?

Denny?

–Aah!
–Denny!

–Denny, hey!
–What the hell?

–Denny!
–What is wrong with you?

Good God! Are you all right?

–I think he bit me.
–What⁈

Will you ever change?

I feel a little gypped.

That whole trip was just…

unsatisfying.

How so?

I don't know.

Maybe it was the stark contrast

between that magnificent scenery
and those awful ranching people.

Well, at least you and I got
to spend some time together.

Oh, please. You only
had eyes for barnyard animals.

Denny, you think I was too rough on
Utah, playing the polygamy card?

It was cheap, but hey,
they came after us first.

We have to take another trip.
This one didn't count.

They were wrong about our outfits.

–We were hot.
–We're always hot.

Irene…

loved me.
Could you tell?

Ian didn't.

No.

The best sex to be had
is with the Irenes of the world.

Do you know that?

–I didn't, actually.
–Oh, yeah.

See, the thing is,
women who look like that

make love like it's the last sex
they'll ever have

'cause it very well could be.

What?

Nothing, just absorbing
your latest pearl.

You know, you look at the Ians
and the Melvin Palmers…

most men are so starved
for male friendship.

We're blessed, Denny.

Of course we are,

and I'll bet we're the only ones
who shared the same sleeping bag.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry about the erection.

I'm over it.

We really are the best couple I know.

Mm-hmm. And we only get better.

We do.

We do.

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