All language subtitles for never too late 1965

[Vic Damone singing
"Never Too Late"]

♪ It's never too late ♪

♪ For rainbows to shine ♪

♪ For whispering violins ♪

♪ And bubbles in the wine ♪

♪ It's never too late ♪

♪ To ring like a bell ♪

♪ To steal away somewhere ♪

♪ And catch a carousel ♪

♪ The summer is green ♪

♪ The autumn is gold ♪

♪ So no matter when love comes ♪

♪ It's heavenly to hold ♪

♪ Let your heart
stay young and strong ♪

♪ Just one note
can start a song ♪

♪ So don't worry
about how long ♪

♪ You had to wait ♪

♪ It's never too late ♪

♪ It's never too ♪

♪ Late ♪♪

[helicopter whirring]

That's Lambert's yard.
We'll stop right here.

Let's go down.
Hey, bud. You see that?

Land right in the middle.

My.

Well, that's the way the order
came through, Mr. Lambert.

What did you say?

I said that's the way
the order came through.

All I did was catch it
before it got to shipping.

That son-in-law of mine
is still trying to bankrupt me.

Charlie! Charlie!

[stomps feet]
Charlie!

Charlie!

'Get yourself up here!'

Uh, before you yell,
I wanna talk to you.

Before I yell,
I'll do the talking.

Well, the mayor's helicopter
is just landing

and maybe the mayor is in it,
and maybe he wants

to give us
some business with the city.

That will be the day.
You know how he hates me.

A lot of people hate you.
What's that got to do with it?

Look, if the city needs lumber,
it might as well be ours.

Just what do you mean by
a lot of people hate me, huh?

I didn't say I know for sure.

Well, I know one thing for sure,
you don't know anything!

And what's the idea
of giving Paul Weaver

special prices like these, huh?

These are just
odd cuts and sizes.

But you ought to be happy
just to be rid of it.

I'm not in business
to be happy.

I'm in business for profit.
Now cancel this shipment!

Look, dad..
Thanks a lot.

Look, dad, I thought
this order out very carefully.

Now that-that lumber's been
taking up nothing but space.

Yes, well, I've got a head
on my shoulders too.

Don't tell me about space.

M-Mr. Lambert, do you want these
to go out this morning?

Yeah, I guess so.

- How many stamps do you need?
- Six.

[helicopter whirring]

- Here.
- Thank you.

- Take good care of Phil there.
- Yes, sir, Mr. Lambert.

[helicopter whirring]

Hello, Harry.

My good friend and next-door
neighbor, Harry Lambert.

- Hiya, Charlie.
- Hiya, mayor.

What's the honor this time?

You remember Fred Ainsley,
our city engineer.

- Ainsley.
- Lambert.

Uh, you know, Fred,
it has been reported

that there's very little love
lost between old Lambert and me.

But we know better,
don't we, Harry?

Yeah, it's all lost.

[laughing]

I got his goat eight years ago

when he ran against me
for mayor.

I've had it ever since.

- I remember that election.
- Oh, I won by a landslide.

You won by a dozen votes.

- No, no, no, no, 126.
- Well, it was under a gross.

Now I'm not here to remind you
of unpleasant events.

Quite the contrary.
Go ahead, Fred. You tell him.

We've been surveying
for months, Mr. Lambert

and we've just about
locked in the site

for the new
Calverton football field.

Ah! You get that, Harry?

Football fields take lumber.

All those bleachers.
Lots of lumber.

- Yeah, I realize that.
- Football field?

That's about
a million board feet.

Oh, at least.

Of course, our town
has two fine lumberyards

yours and Cooper's.

Of course,
Cooper's is a lot more modern.

However, the decision
as to who gets the contract

is up to the city council

which I, as mayor, head,
of course.

[chuckles]

Just keep that in mind,
Harry, huh?

Alright!

Oh, good, good to see you again,
Mr. Lambert.

- You, too, mister, uh, uh--
- We haven't met yet.

Oh.

[male #1]
'I'll keep you in touch,
Lambert.'

Yeah, do that.

What a contract!

Million board feet!

Well, I still think
it's a possibility.

You do, huh?

Well, if he doesn't aggravate me
to death, you will!

That's the possibility!

74, 75, 76, 77, 79, 80

81, 82, 83, 84, 85

86, 87, 88, 89, 90

91, 92, 93, 94, 95

96, 97, 98, 99, 500.

- Phew!
- Alright, you're the doctor.

- Take my pulse.
- You are kidding.

No, no, no. Go ahead, take it.

- Alright.
- Hurry up.

I'll take it.

Pretty good for my age, huh?

Harry, it's not only good,
it's remarkable.

- What are you trying to prove?
- My point.

The younger generation today
are nothing but weaklings.

- Now take Charlie, for example.
- Harry, the younger gener--

Edith.
Edith, can I help you?

No, thank you, Grace.
I'll be with you in a moment.

Just sit and enjoy yourself.

Harry, doesn't Edith look
a little tired?

She goes to bed early
every night.

Uh, I don't mean tired
from lack of sleep.

I mean, this house.

It's awfully big
for her to take care of.

Why, this house
is her pride and joy.

They don't build houses
like this anymore, you know?

Granite foundation.

Copper pipes.

Edith doesn't have
a granite foundation

or copper pipes.

Why don't you two
go on a vacation?

And just who is going
to look after the business?

- Well, what about Charlie?
- He'd ruin me in two weeks.

Take a one week's vacation.

Harry, there is nothing wrong
with Charlie.

You just haven't given him
a chance.

I've given him everything.

A job the day he married Kate.

No rent to pay.

A nice home here with me.

Mom! Mo..

Oh, hi, everybody.

- Hey, mom!
- Yes, Charles?

Mom, Kate wants to know
if you pressed her dress.

Oh, i-i-it's hanging
in the kitchen, dear.

- I'll get it.
- 'Okay.'

[Charlie]
'Uh, oh, oh, uh, mom?'

You wouldn't happen to be
doing a wash today, would you?

- Well--
- We're closed on Sundays!

[imitating Harry]
We're closed on Sundays.

Gets his laundry free,
his meals free.

They ought to have a home
of their own.

They say
they're saving up for one.

I don't know how long
it'll take 'em

on the money he makes.

[Edith]
'Kate!'

Oh, Kate dear,
I have your dress.

Oh, thank you, mother.

Mom, would be a doll
and get me the fishing boots

that Charlie borrowed
from Jim West?

- Where are they?
- They're in the cellar.

At the bottom of the stairs.

Wouldn't be too much trouble
for you?

- No, no, dear. I'll get 'em.
- Thank you.

I'd swear
she was on roller skates.

What time you got?

Uh, 3 o'clock.
I've gotta be on my way.

Grace, I'll pick you up
on the way back from the clinic.

Alright, dear.

Don't wear yourself out, Harry.

Oh, I'll walk you to your car.

- How be ya, doc?
- Hi, mayor!

Hey, doc, don't make any U-turn.
You'll be right up on my lawn.

Section 214-B
of the criminal code

private property.

[laughs]

He's about as funny
as choking to death.

[laughs]

Hey, doc,
don't take any wooden aspirins.

[laughing]

So long, Jim.

Those are the jokes, Harry boy.

[laughs]

Oh, oh, Harry,
I hate to trouble you, dear

but I think there's something
wrong with the hot water boiler.

Huh? That's impossible.

You couldn't buy
a better boiler.

Solid copper
through and through.

[Charlie]
Hey!

What's the matter
with the hot water? It's cold.

The hot water in this house
isn't cold!

I'll tell you something,
it's not hot either.

There's nothing wrong
with the boiler!

Just doesn't work, Charles.

Edith, that boiler was made
to last a lifetime.

Maybe its lifetime is over?

[chuckles]

Something wrong with the boiler.

It's worked perfectly
for 22 years!

Charles, Charles,
here are your boots, dear.

[Charlie]
'Thanks, mom!'

Edith, will you, please,
finally sit down?

I wanna talk to you.

And I want so much
to talk to you, Grace.

Just one little moment.

Now what are you doing?

Don't wanna forget
Harry's button.

Edith, you're gonna have
to put your foot down

about all this housework.
It's too much.

- Get a maid.
- A maid?

You know how Harry feels
about maids.

He likes absolute privacy
in his own home.

A man's entitled to that.

A man's only entitled
to what he can get away with.

Tsk. Oh, Grace.

How often does Harry
take you out to dinner?

You know how Harry feels
about restaurants.

Besides, he just loves
my cooking.

Do you know he still comes home
for lunch?

I guess that proves something.

It sure does.

[metal clanking]

What's that?

It's probably Harry trying to
get the hot water boiler fixed.

[metal clanking]

And from the sound of it,
he's enjoying himself.

[chuckles]

What's all the noise, mom?

[Edith]
'It's Harry
trying to get the water hot.'

[chuckles]

- Well, how do I look, ladies?
- Simply delicious.

- Thank you.
- That's my girl.

- Hello, Grace.
- Hello, dear.

What happened to my blowtorch?

You heard me.

I said
what happened to my blowtorch?

- Doesn't that work either?
- Of course, it works.

You couldn't buy
a better blowtorch.

I wanna know where it is,
that's what I wanna know.

[chuckles]
What are you trying to do, dad?
Heat the water with a blowtorch?

[laughing]

Excuse me.

It wouldn't hurt, you know,
if you gave me some help.

I'd like to help you, dad,
I just don't know anything

about a hot water boiler.

Neither do I.

But it doesn't stop me
from fixing it.

Well, did you get it fixed?

Yes, I just didn't get the pipes
and things back together.

Dear, I'm sure Charles would be
more than glad to help you

but he and Kate
have a social engagement.

Again?

Don't you two ever stay home?

We're home all week, dad.

- At least I am.
- I never see you.

I haven't seen you at the
breakfast table in five years.

I don't eat breakfast
and I don't see any sense

in getting up for breakfast
if I don't eat any.

- Kate eats lunch.
- 'Thank you, mother.'

What you mean is,
she eats breakfast

but she doesn't get up
until it's time for lunch.

Well, we gotta get goin'.
Goodbye, Grace, mom.

- Goodbye, Grace.
- See you later.

- Bye, mom.
- Bye, dear.

- Goodbye, dad.
- You know what you two need?

Responsibility.

It's time you settled down
and started raising a family.

Please, dad, let's not
go into that again, okay?

We're just not ready
for a family yet.

What does it take
to get ready, huh?

Just make up your mind
and sit down and do it.

Father!

Let's go, honey, let's, um--

Oh.

Mother, I don't know
about your husband.

It's a little embarrassing,
you know that?

I mean, just because you..

...can't find your blowtorch.

Just no home life anymore.

Everybody's in a rush
to go somewhere.

The important thing
is that they seem happy.

And that's what counts.

Of course, they're happy,
they've got me.

I make them happy.

That's true, Harry dear.

You do cause
a lot of happiness.

You're darn right.

Now why don't you go look
for your blowtorch?

You'll feel better
when you find it.

Trouble with the kids today,
they don't appreciate.

Ungrateful.

Wish I had a father like me
when I was their age.

- 'But you did, dear.'
- Don't remind me.

You know, Edith, he really
believes every word he says.

That's one of his most
endearing traits.

Endearing?

That's the word for it, alright.

Oh, my goodness.

Charles completely forgot
his fishing boots.

- Edith.
- That's funny.

Well, come and sit down.

That's the third dizzy spell
I've had this week.

I suppose I should go
and see James at his office.

I just can't believe it!

Have you told Edith?

Not yet, dear.
That's why I wanted you here.

I thought it might make it
easier for her.

Oh, it's, it's crazy.
Just crazy.

Maybe you should send her
to a specialist.

Oh, I-I know, dear,
you know best and everything--

Never mind. Uh, the tests
were made at the laboratory.

They are specialists.

There's no question about it.
She's pregnant.

Edith's beginning
her second month.

But it just doesn't
seem possible.

Wait a minute.

James,
Dr. Turner had a hygienist.

Her last name was Lamb.

Maybe her first name was Edith.

Well, Edith Lamb,
Edith Lambert, get it?

They don't make those mistakes
at the lab, Grace.

Only in the movies.

Besides, her name was Sonja.

I, I just can't believe it.

Edith, at her age.

And Harry..

Harry?

That old son of a gun.

- Hello, James.
- Hello, Edith.

- Hello, Edith.
- Grace!

[dramatic music]

Have a nice day, Mrs. Lambert.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

[instrumental music]

Dad, will you quit pacing?
Just sit down.

Doesn't it bother you
that your mother isn't home yet?

Have you ever known her
to stay out this late before?

[Charlie]
'Well,
if you're that worried, dad'

'why don't you call the police?'

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy, that's a bright idea.

And what makes you think
she's mixed up with the police?

Oh, no.

Charlie didn't say she was
mixed up with the police.

No, I just thought
that if she's lost

the police might be able
to help find her, that's all.

And you'd like to see it in the
newspaper and everything, huh?

Oh, who said he wants to see it
in the newspaper?

I don't even know
what the heck she's done.

Who said she'd done anything?

Oh, forget it. I don't know
what you're so concerned about.

You wouldn't.

Mom has identification,
hasn't she?

- 'Yes.'
- Alright.

She has a birthmark.

Is her address on it?

Who the hell ever heard
of an address on a birthmark?

[laughs]
I was thinking
of something else.

You're an idiot.

I take exception to that!

Is this the showdown?

- You'd like it to be--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would--

Now, look, you two,
stop all this nonsense--

[incoherent clamoring]

Well?

- 'Do you like it?'
- Mom!

Mother.

Edith?

Is that all anybody has to say?

What have you done to yourself?

Have you forgotten you have
a family? Where have you been?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, in all the excitement,
I, I guess I didn't realize.

- Is it late?
- Is it late?

- Where's dinner?
- Dinner--

Oh, dad. Come on, mother.
Sit down. Let's talk.

Come on, mom,
tell us all about it.

I certainly have
a lot to tell you.

- All of you.
- Where's your hair?

- Harry Lambert.
- It's gone. I can see.

No, it's shorter, that's all.
It's shorter.

A-a-and it's curled at the ends.

I had a permanent,
a facial and a manicure.

The girls said
they gave me the works.

You've always been
a plain, simple, little woman.

'Now look at you.'

I think you look
absolutely gorgeous, mother.

- You're beautiful, mom.
- Thank you, dear.

Uh, as a matter of fact, Harry,
I spent almost

two weeks' food allowance
on this.

Edith, you sit
right where you are.

I'm gonna put in a little call
to the doctor.

But, but, Harry,
you don't have to call him.

I mean, I just came from there.

From Jim's office?
What were you doing there?

Mother, are you alright?

Mom, you never looked better.

I'm fine.

And I never felt better.

I want you to sit down nicely
while I tell you

what I'm going
to have to tell you.

- Well, go ahead.
- Oh, sit down, dad.

Alright, we're all
sitting down nicely.

Now tell us.

[sighs]

It's alright, mother.
Now we're all listening.

- Aren't we?
- I'm listening.

[clears throat]

We're your family
and we love you.

Oh, I was counting on that.

Well, I guess I should start
from the very beginning.

Alright. You start any way
you want, mother.

Maybe not
from the very beginning.

Perhaps the middle.

Alright, start from the middle,
but start.

I'd like to hear it
from the beginning.

If you don't know
what she's talking about

how do you know you'd like
to hear from the beginning?

Well, I just thought that--

Would you two mind
letting mother talk, hm?

Now you start
from the middle, mother.

Mm, I'd really rather start
from the end

and get it over with, but, um..

Mom, would it help you
if we try to guess?

You know, maybe if you gave us
a little hint.

We're not playing parlor games!

We're trying to get
some information.

Well, we're not getting
any information this way!

I think it's a pretty good
suggestion if it will help.

Just like all the rest
of your suggestions.

If I'd have listened
to your suggestions

out at the lumberyard,
I'd have been broke

the first year you were here.

That happens to be
one man's opinion.

Are you trying to tell me
I don't know my own business?

- Oh, will you two, please--
- I'm going to have a baby.

I won't stop what I didn't
start. Now answer me!

Are you trying to tell me
I don't know my own business?

I didn't say that,
but other people

can be right, too, you know.

- 'You, for instance?'
- I'm going to have a baby.

Would you both mind
letting mother say

what she's got to say?

Now you keep out of this, Edith.

I'm going to settle this thing
once and for all..

Uh, uh..

Wh, what did you say, Edith?

I said I'm going
to have a baby. There.

Mother.

Wow.

Now you know.

Father, how could you?

'How could you?'

[sobbing]

Now look here..

[Kate crying]

And I think that's
a pretty underhanded trick.

Trick? Trick?

You've been throwing
everything else in my face.

Now I suppose
it will be the baby.

Now look here!

Now, now, Charles,
nobody's going to throw

the baby in your face, dear.

And I want you
to promise Charles that now.

I don't have
to promise him anything!

Something's
out of control here, Edith

and I'm going to get
to the bottom of--

No, no, no, Harry,
you're raising your voice.

That's just the sort of thing
that's likely to make me faint.

You faint.

[sobs]
You seem to forget

what condition my mother is in.

Oh, mother.

There, there, dear.

Remember how you always said
you wanted a little brother?

Yes, but that was 20 years ago.

Well, your wish
has finally come true.

To hell with her wishes.
What about mine?

Honey.

Honey, please, don't cry.

Ooh, don't you touch me!

All men are horrible!

I had nothing
to do with this!

Have you any idea
what you're saying?

Huh?

And, you, stop crying.

If anybody should cry
around here, it should be me.

Edith, are you sure
they're not confusing

yourself with another woman
in Jim's office?

A young woman
with a nice young husband?

Well, that's what Grace thought,
too, but James said no.

'Labs don't make mistakes.
Only in the movies.'

What have I done?

I've lived a good life.

I've worked hard.

Don't smoke much.

Don't drink or gamble.

That's true, dad.
You have very few vices.

As a matter of fact,
I didn't even think..

Oh.

I think the time has come

and we should discuss
something else.

- What's that, dear?
- A maid.

- A what?
- A maid.

It's obvious
mother's not gonna be able

to do the real work
around here, so you--

So you'll do it!

Me? I-I can't even cook.

You learned to eat, didn't you?

And you've never lifted
a finger around

this house
and I think it's about time!

Oh, Harry, it's no chore for me
to get the dinner.

Edith, I don't want you
interfering.

You're no longer unemployed.

Alright, father, I'll do it.

You'll see.
I'll do everything.

I'll become a slave if that's
what you want. A slave!

That's more like it.

I'll call when dinner is ready.
Whatever it is.

Well..

...I guess
I better give her a hand.

You know, it being
her first time and all.

[chuckles]

I thought
everyone would be so happy.

Well, we are happy, Edith.

But there's all kinds
of happiness.

This happens to be the kind
of happiness that-that, that..

...well, everybody
isn't so happy about.

I guess it was silly of me,
but I don't know.

After James told me the news

for a while there,
I just felt young again.

I can take the hat back
if you want me to, Harry.

Keep it.

Then you like it?

Keep it, anyway.

I won't wear it
if you don't like it.

Alright, keep it,
but don't wear it.

You know, Harry..

...if you look at it right

this is a fine and noble thing
we're doing.

We're giving life to a brand-new
little human being.

A baby.

Isn't that beautiful?

Why don't you try
to look at it that way, dear?

Try.

I'm trying.

Well, can you see it
that way now?

I'm still trying.

Well, then look at it this way.

You've always wanted a son

and now you might have one.

Isn't that a nice thought?

Edith, the one thought
that keeps going through my mind

is that when he gets out
of college

I'll be going on 83.

- If he's smart.
- Oh.

Of course, he'll be smart, dear.

Your son, he'll take after you.

He'll have your nice eyes,
your brains

the curly hair you used to have.

Oh, it makes one believe
in miracles.

Don't you think it makes one
believe in miracles, Harry?

You'd never have thought it
possible, would you?

You can be sure of that, Edith.

And yet it's true.

Harry, how does that poem go?

"I shot an arrow into the air."

[rooster crowing]

[instrumental music]

Coochie, coochie, coochie.

Daddy, daddy, daddy!

[bones crack]

[groaning]

Ooh!

H-hi, son.

Break, one, two, three, four!

[groans]

[organ music]

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God

"to join together
in the bonds of holy matrimony

'"this man and this woman.'

'"They stand
before their friends'

'"facing a blossomed life.'

'As they join their hands,
they will vow.."'

[cars honking]

Mornin', Mr. Lambert.

How's the old tiger today?

[male #2]
'Hiya, Mr. Lambert.'

You're looking mighty spry,
Mr. Lambert!

Hi, boss. Fit as a fiddle
and ready for love today?

[male #3]
'What's new, pussycat?'

I'll pay you back
after today's work.

Hiya, Louie.

A full 500 feet
of six quarter-log..

Good morning, Mr. Lambert.

- Send it over to Mrs. Jensen.
- Okay.

Boy, has she been hollerin'
and hollerin' and hollerin'?

- Oh, good morning.
- It is, huh?

Did you tell anybody around here

that I was going
to have a baby, huh?

Me?

Why would I do a thing
like that?

Excuse me, Mr. Lambert,
would you mind

putting your Johnny Hancock
on this, please?

Of course, Bobby.

Oh, uh, how's Mrs. Lambert
feeling today? Okay?

Of course,
Mrs. Lambert is feeling okay.

I'm just asking, Mr. Lambert,
that's all. I'm just asking.

Don't look at me.

People were bound to find out,
weren't they?

How?

Oh, a person
can't have a secret baby.

I'm not trying
to have a secret baby.

I just don't need
you or anybody else

for publicity purposes,
that's all.

It's nobody's damn business.

But you can't keep it a secret.

You've gotta register it
or something, don't you?

Did I say I wasn't going
to register my own baby, huh?

I just want it kept quiet.

It's not normal to have a baby
without people knowing about it.

As a matter of fact,
I don't even think it's legal.

Are you standing here telling me

I'm trying to have
an illegal baby, huh?

No, no, no, no,
I didn't say that.

Then keep your nose
out of the baby completely!

I have already.

Besides, he didn't say
he knew about the baby.

You know something? I think
it's all in your imagination.

[Harry]
'Oh, it's my imagination?
I guess I'm going crazy, huh?'

[Charlie]
I didn't say that,
but you do have an imagination!

Oh, yeah,
you're completely innocent!

- Completely!
- You had nothing to do with it!

[Charlie]
'That's right.'

'I don't know anything
about it.'

- 'Oh, you don't?'
- 'No.'

[Harry]
'Oh, you're the picture
of innocence.'

- 'No, I didn't say that.'
- 'Butter wouldn't melt in--'

- 'Oh, yes, it would.'
- 'Oh, I know you, boy.'

- What?
- Yap, yap, yap, yap--

You're loud, loud,
loud, loud, loud!

Yeah, yeah, that's you.

Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it?

- It's absolutely stunning.
- And this.

I know it's silly,
but I just adore it.

Then it's not silly.

Just think what fun
you're going to have

shopping for maternity clothes.

Grace, am I showing at all?

Honey, it isn't six weeks yet.

You only saw Jim yesterday.

Not even a little?

- Not even a teensy-weensy bit.
- Oh.

Oh, you certainly got off
to a flying start.

I just love this.

Now the next step is throw out
everything in your closet

and buy a completely
new wardrobe.

Oh, I'd love to,
but you should have seen

Harry's face
when I told him I spent

almost two weeks'
food allowance on this.

Food allowance?

Edith, you shouldn't have
to go to him for everything.

Harry's a rich man.

[Edith]
Harry's a rich man?

Grace, you don't mean
we can afford..

Just about anything.

You and your big mouth!

Even the guys at the gas station
know about it.

- Perfect strangers.
- What could I say?

They asked me what's new.

- Hi, baby.
- Hi.

- Where's your mother?
- She's upstairs.

Upstairs? How's she feeling?

She sings a lot.

[grunts]

[sighs]

- It's noontime, dear.
- So?

Where's lunch?

Lunch? You just had breakfast!

That was five hours ago.

Oh, boy.

Lunch, huh?

Alright. lunch.

Lunch, it will be, because
that's all I'm here for, right?

Lunch. Lunch you'll get!

[instrumental music]

Lunch. You gotta have lunch.

[Kate]
'Well, where are you going?'

'You said you wanted lunch,
didn't you?'

[Edith]
'You think it's alright
if I ask him now?'

- Absolutely, just do it.
- Yeah, I'll do it.

Oh, Harry dear.
Is Kate fixing lunch?

She's doing something in there.

- Hello, Grace.
- How are you, Harry?

Oh, never mind.
I know how you are.

Congratulations.

- Harry.
- Yeah?

You know that extra room
next to ours.

- The one we never use?
- Hm.

I'd like to fix it up
as a nursery.

[Harry]
If you want to, Edith.

Uh, is it alright
if I get new wallpaper?

Yes, Edith. Get the best paper
money can buy.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Mayor Crane.

- For you, my dear.
- Oh, mayor.

I just heard the wonderful news.

I wanted to offer
my congratulations.

Well, thank you, mayor.
Isn't that beautiful?

- Look, Harry.
- Ah!

There he is!

You old rascal, you.

You're gonna show up every other
old codger in town, huh?

Congratulations, Harry.

Now who'd have thought it?

I just shook the hand
that's going to rock the cradle!

[laughing]

Uh, mayor, mayor, uh, uh,
you know Mrs. Kimbrough.

Oh, Mrs. Kimbrough, of course.

How nice to see you again.

Oh, uh, tell me,
didn't I judge a beauty contest

that you were in last year?

Yes, but I-I've aged
considerably since then.

Oh, come now.

She's far too modest.
Don't you think so, my dear?

That's perfectly charming,
mayor.

You certainly have a way
about you.

Well, thank you, but, uh

with me,
I'm afraid it's mostly talk.

Not like some fellows I know,
huh, Harry, huh?

[laughing]

- Well, I can't stay. I--
- That's too bad.

I've got a meeting
down at the hall.

I just wanted to pay
my respects and, uh..

Oh, oh, oh, Harry, Harry,
uh, I almost forgot.

I have something to say to you.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]
I am going to recommend
to the city council

that the contract
for the new football field

be given
to Lambert Lumber Company.

- You are?
- Uh-huh.

A baby gift.

[chuckles]

- Bye-bye, little mother.
- 'Bye, mayor.'

I don't believe it.

He's got something
up his sleeve.

Four middle-aged married women
on the city council

that's what's up his sleeve.

Huh?

Oh, stop playing ostrich, Harry.

To the middle-aged ladies
of Calverton, you're a giant.

You better get used to it.

With a lot of wives, you've
already become a household word.

Bye-bye, dear.
See you tomorrow.

I wonder
what the household word is.

Never mind.

Charlie!

- 'Charlie!'
- Yeah!

He's eating and your lunch

has been sitting
all this time in the kitchen!

Maybe that's why
I've been sitting

all this time
in the living room.

You have to realize this kind
of work is new to Kate.

What kind isn't?

Charlie, let's go!
We're late.

Harry, dear, would you mind

stopping at the market
on the way home?

For what?

I know it's silly,
but I have a longing

for some pickled pigs' knuckles.

[sighs]
I don't know why

but it just had to be
pickled pigs' knuckles.

Uh, 10:30.

Fine time
to get finished eating.

How can a girl forget
to put up dinner?

Kate didn't forget
to put up dinner, dear.

She just forgot
to light the oven.

[Kate]
'Garbage!'

Honey, I'm a businessman!

Can't be expected to come home

from a hard day's work
and empty garbage!

[Kate]
'I see,
and I'm just made for garbage.'

[chuckles]

Oh, Charles, don't upset her.

And you, too, Harry.

Kate's had a long, hard day.

- Thank you, dear.
- Mm-hm.

Oh.

Well, go ahead.

Aren't you gonna say it?

I'm a big mess!

Kate, you just cooked
a delicious dinner.

Oh, sure, mother.

Would you take a look
at my nails?

Look at that.
Look at my hair and my face.

Well, go ahead and say it,
all of you, I'm a big mess!

'A great big mess.'

At least you look used
for a change.

Honey, honey, why don't you
take an hour off tomorrow

and, and go
to the beauty parlor?

Who gave you permission
to give her an hour off?

Now wait a minute.

That happens to be my wife!

And it happens to be working
in my house.

Well, I can get her a job
just as good as this

any place in town.

Oh, Charlie!

[plates clanking]

Oh, excuse me.

[sighs]

Everyone seems to have changed
so since last night.

I thought announcing the baby
would brighten our lives.

Our lives are brightened, Edith.

Only there's all kinds
of brightness

and this happens to be the kind
of brightness that, uh..

Never mind.

The baby's not going to go away

simply because you're not
ready to face it, Harry.

Oh, I feel so happy.

It seems that a whole new world
has opened up for me.

'Don't you feel the same,
Harry?'

I was happy
in the old world, Edith.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

You know, Harry, I think we've
become a little old-fashioned.

We should bring ourselves
more up-to-date.

I've even considered
next time voting as a democrat.

Edith, we took our marriage vows
as republicans.

That's right.

Still mad?

Unh-unh.

Hey, I know everybody
around here

has been pretty tough on you
and..

Well, for myself, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, I said I'm sorry.

I didn't know all this housework
could be so hard on you.

Well, don't worry, honey.

It's not gonna be
too hard on me for long.

Not after we get our maid.

- We get our maid, uh, maid?
- Mm-hm.

You think your father
will go for a maid?

Mm-hm.
He's going to have to, my dear.

With two pregnant women
in the house.

Oh, two pregnant women in the..

Kate, y-y-you're,
you're not preg--

No. I'm not.

I'm glad you told me.

But, um, Charlie,
I'm going to be.

Katie,
we, we can't have a baby now.

Why?

Because we're not ready.

And, uh, because we agreed
to wait until a proper time

and then discuss it.

Charlie,
this is the proper time

and we are discussing it.

Kate, you're just upset.

[chuckles]
Look at you.

Kate, look at you.
You're just.. Look at the house!

Look, honey, the work is bound
to get easier. You'll see.

I know it's gonna get easier
with a maid.

Kate, Kate, you don't start
a family out of anger

or, or because you're jealous
of your mother or..

That's just not any way
to have a baby.

Oh?

Well, you'll just have to show
me the way to have a baby.

[chuckles]

- Katie, listen to me.
- Mm.

You can't get pregnant now
because..

...I can't afford it.

Honey, I'm not gonna
charge you a cent.

Kate..

[instrumental music]

- Hi.
- Hello there.

Hey, wait a minute.

Your folks are still up.

[male #4 on TV]
'Are you comin' out, Rocco,
or am I comin' in to get ya?'

- 'Come and get me, copper!'
- 'Alright, stand back, men!'

[glass shattering on TV]

[gunshots on TV]

[male #5 on TV]
'It's your Sunday news roundup.'

'All the news up to the minute.
Up to the minute, all the news.'

[boy on TV]
'Welcome home, grandmother.
Have a nice time?'

[woman on TV]
'How could I miss
without bad breath'

'or body odor to spoil the fun?'

'Thanks to you, grandson.'

[male narrator on TV]
Welcome to Thursday night
at the movies.

Tuesday night at the cinema.

And now
Saturday night at the films.

[man #6 on TV]
'This is WWTV signing off
and reminding you'

'that television
is your best entertainment.'

Are you sure this is what you

and Ralph did
to get pregnant, Helen?

[Helen]
'Yeah, sure, it works.'

But I've been taking
my temperature

nine, ten times a day.

- It never goes down.
- 'Well, what was it?'

98.6 till it's coming out
of my ears.

Going to lunch, Dave.
Be gone about an hour.

Okay, Mr. Lambert.

Charlie, let's go.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

What's it with you, anyway?

For the past six weeks

all you've done around here
is sleep.

I don't get as much sleep
as you think.

Well, if you didn't stay up
watching television every night

maybe you'd get some sleep.

Television will be
the death of you.

- What's with this cat?
- Oh, he's just resting.

Resting, resting.
Everybody's resting around here.

He's as lazy as you are.
Go out and catch some mice.

[cat meowing]
Come on, let's go.

Alright, I'll keep trying.

Now if it goes down half a point

that's the time
to call Charlie, right?

- 'Right. Now--'
- Gotcha. Okay, I gotcha.

- 'You know when we did it--'
- Well, alright, already.

Will you stop talking
and let me get this thermometer

back in my mouth?

Goodbye.

Oh, Harry,
I'm so glad you're here.

- I've so much to tell you.
- Don't tell me a thing.

Just answer my questions.
What's that and that and that?

I'm asking for whats, Edith,
and I want them.

Fine. That's wood.

This is tarpaper.

That's a wheelbarrow.

This is a new bathtub and,
well, you know what that is.

Of course, I know what it is
and so do all our neighbors.

What's it doing sitting here
on our lawn?

Well, that's where
they unloaded it, dear.

- What are you doing?
- Just looking.

For what?

The hardware.

Isn't he wonderful?

The boy genius.

Look, dad, if you don't want me
around, just say so.

Alright,
I don't want you around.

[Edith]
Harry.

It's alright, mom. It's alright.

[Kate]
Charlie!

[gasps]
Charlie!

Can you come upstairs
for a minute?

Honey, why don't you
come down here?

I, I don't feel like
climbing the stairs.

The exercise
will be good for you.

I need you up here.

Don't be lazy, dear.
Go to her.

Go see what she wants.

And take that thing you're
sitting on out of my sight.

- Is it heavy?
- Take it in and weigh it.

[imitating Harry]
Take it in and weigh it.

Don't drop it, Charles.

[sighs]
You know, you're entirely
too cross with him.

Alright, don't let me get upset
over Charlie.

Let me get upset over you!

There's nothing
to get upset about, dear.

They're starting the nursery.

They're going
to rip up the floor

for the radiant heating.

Knock out the window
for the large glass bay.

Now the wall separating it
from our room is being torn--

Stop!

- But I haven't finished yet.
- Oh, yes, you have!

You told me you were going
to have the room repapered.

Now what's the idea of all this?

And that, uh, uh, thingamajig
that Charlie took in there?

I never heard of an infant
using that kind of equipment.

He won't be
an infant forever, dear.

Soon he'll be a grown boy.

Harry, I've tried 50 times
to tell you about the plans.

- You said--
- I know what I said!

But you didn't give me
any idea of all this.

Knocking out a wall.
Putting in a glass bay.

Radiant heating.
Edith, what's the matter?

You're yelling again.
Makes me feel dizzy.

- I might faint.
- No, no, no.

No, don't faint, Edith.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.
I don't usually yell, you know.

I was just trying to,
trying to.. A-are you alright?

- I'm better, I think.
- I won't yell at you anymore.

I'll yell at Charlie.
Charlie!

He should have told me
about this.

Charlie!

Ow! What do you want?

Why didn't you tell me you sent

all this lumber over here
from the yard?

I didn't send that lumber over.
I thought you did.

- What do you mean, you didn't--
- Harry, Harry, Harry.

That lumber came
from Cooper's lumberyard.

Cooper's?

See, you're always yappin'
at me for everything.

Be quiet.

[Kate]
'Charlie, I'm waiting.'

Edith, I'm in the lumber
business, remember?

Why did you go to old man Cooper
if you needed lumber?

Mr. Foley, the contractor who
does all the work around here

told me we'd get it cheaper
at Cooper's.

So, actually, we saved money.

You're a little high, Harry.

- I don't believe it.
- It's true.

Edith, don't you understand?

No matter what price
I sell it for

I still would have given it
to you for cost.

What am I talking about?

I'd have given it to you
for nothing.

Oh.

[music on TV]

[male narrator on TV]
Another episode
of "The Ugliness Of Life."

Television
in the middle of the day.

What's the world coming to?

[male narrator on TV]
Yesterday, Betty Ann learned

about Helen's lumbago

just before Ralph suffered
his fatal sunstroke.

[Edith]
'Oh, Harry,
the mayor's on his way over.'

Oh, no.

Haven't I had enough
for one day?

[Betty on TV]
'Oh, Helen, you must tell me.'

'What is the problem
between you and Ralph?'

Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie! Charlie!

- Now what do you want?
- Get that thing out of sight.

You ought to put it in the
garage in the first place.

Hurry up.
The mayor's on his way.

If it wasn't on the lawn.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know, dad.

I never hid
one of these things before.

Well, well, put it, put it..

- Put it..
- Well, put it where?

Put it in the clothes closet.

Oh, mayor.
What a lovely surprise.

Well, well, well, well.
How are you, mayor?

Well, I'm fine, Harry.
Just fine.

- Shut the bathroom door.
- Won't you come in, mayor?

Well, thank you, thank you.

Well, well, well,
this is a surprise.

- Won't you sit down, mayor?
- No, no, I'm sorry.

I've just got a minute

but I have some very nice news
for you, Harry.

- Oh?
- Yes, I..

[laughs]
Hiya, mayor.

Charlie.

Well, what a surprise.

Thanks. Well, as I was saying

the city swung the deal for
the land for the new stadium.

They should be breaking ground
in just a few months.

- That is good news.
- It sure is.

Yes, sir, the city could be
having its stadium

just about the time the little
mother is having her baby.

[chuckles]
Huh, right, Harry?

I'm sure that's just
a coincidence, mayor.

It really wasn't planned
that way, mayor.

Edith,
you don't have to explain.

[chuckles]
Hey, with a contract this big

we ought to get a forklift
and a new truck--

That's a good idea.

You know, you have to spend
a little to make a little.

Only, Harry,
don't just completely renovate

the whole yard and then write it
off on the city's expense.

[laughs]
And-and he would, too, you know.

Knock it off.

It's good of you to bring us
the good news, mayor.

- Yes, sir.
- No.

Especially in person and all.

Well, I'm just a servant
of the people.

Oh, Harry, I meant to ask you.

What's that stuff doing
on your lawn?

Oh, ha ha, oh, we're just
fixing up a little.

- Oh.
- It's a nursery.

You know, for the baby.

A nursery for the little baby.

Isn't that marvelous?

You know,
the rest of us old-timers

are building nest eggs
for retirement.

But Harry Lambert,
he's building a nursery.

[laughs]
You, you know, Harry

if you were to run for mayor now

you'd get the vote
of every woman in town.

[laughs]

Yeah, well, back to the factory.

[whistling "Rock-a-bye Baby"]

Goodbye.

You did have to mention
the nursery, didn't you?

Oh, what do you want me to do?
Lie?

Come on, let's get this tub
in the garage and out of sight.

Oh, do we have to do it now?

I don't want it
sitting out here in the lawn.

Well, it's not connected.

You know something?
I don't think you're connected.

- Let's go.
- Don't you tell me let's go.

I'll tell you let's go.

Let's go.

[instrumental music]

[no audio]

[instrumental music]

[no audio]

I'm glad you decided
to come to see me

about this, uh, situation.

I'm not going to call it
a problem

because a simple fact is,
there are a great

many perfectly normal couples

that take years to conceive.

I don't wanna wait years.
I want a baby now.

Uh, you see, Kate thinks

it's like ordering groceries
or something.

[laughing]

Well, now, Kate,
I'd like to see you

have a baby now, too,
if that's what you want.

I just don't want to see you
get anxious about it.

To put it succinctly,
I think it's too early

for sterility tests.

Sterility tests?

There is nothing wrong
with my sterility.

No, no,
that's not what I meant--

Charlie. You, too, Kate.

You know, you're giving
a good demonstration

of what I was trying
to tell you.

For two people
who love each other..

You do love each other?

[yawns]
All the time.

It never used
to be a complaint.

Now, listen, without getting

into a whole lot
of medical jargon

you know, just about nothing
ever goes right

when we're tense.

If you feel
you have to get a homerun

every time you come up to bat

you never even get
on first base.

'It's only
when we're free and relaxed'

that we get things done.

And it is that way with, uh,
conception, you understand?

- I understand. Does he?
- Hey, you call that relaxed?

I challenge anybody
to get her pregnant.

Oh, do you?
Well, I just might go out

and find somebody to accept
that little challenge.

[Charlie]
Kate, stop. I, I didn't
mean it that way. I..

I don't know
what I'm saying anymore.

Besides, it was your idea
to come here in the first place.

And the chances are you won't
have to come up here again.

Now, look,
it's a lovely Saturday.

'Why don't you go off by
yourselves away from the house'

'just the two of you
and, you know, simply relax?'

Hm.

[sighs]
Sounds awful good, Charlie.

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Come on.

- Okay, let's go.
- Oh.

Have a lovely day, children,
and relax.

- Thanks, Jim. Bye.
- Bye, dear.

- Bye-bye, doc.
- Charlie.

Thank you.

Relax.

Okay, now don't scratch
the wallpaper

and whatever you do,
don't nick the door frame.

What the devil's going on here?

Sorry, Mr. Lambert.

We thought
this was the new bathroom.

- Does it look like a bathroom?
- No--

Get out. Out!

Wait a second!

What are you doing here
Saturday morning, anyway?

We're just pushing
to finish the job, Mr. Lambert.

Well, do your pushing
from Monday to Friday

when it won't cost me overtime.

Now get it out of here
and take it back to the garage.

Okay, okay,
watch it on the way out

and watch the door frame.

- 'Thank golly.'
- Always interrupting.

Can't get a little sleep
on a Saturday morning.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
Did they wake you?

No, I'm still sleeping.

- It's Saturday.
- 'So?'

So we're going shopping
for the layette.

Edith, why do I have
to go shopping with you

for junk like that?

Because it happens to be your
baby, too, Harry Lambert, and..

Do you know that
we haven't been seen together

in public for months?

Sometimes I think
you want it that way.

Why don't you ask Kate
to go shopping with you?

She'll be really hurt
if you don't ask her.

'Cause she and Charles have
already left for an appointment.

Well, I have a luncheon at noon.

So you meet me downtown
at half past 2:00.

Don't you disappoint me, Harry.

[instrumental music]

Hello.

- What do you say, Harry?
- Hey, George.

- Hello, Edith.
- Oh, hello, Jean.

[grunts]

Excuse me.

Well, hello, Mr. Lambert.
How are you?

- Hi, Rose.
- Hi, Harry.

Harry!

Harry, you really are on time.

I've got so many wonderful
things to show you. Come.

- Great, great. I'm here.
- Come, dear. Come.

- We're going in here first.
- I'm here.

[Edith]
Oh, it's gonna be so much fun.
Come on.

Oh, Harry, Harry, look.
Isn't this adorable?

See the little figures?
And the stripes?

Don't you just love
the little tassels?

- You don't?
- I've got nothing against them.

- I just can't say I love them.
- Well, I do.

Uh, miss.

Looking for something
in a crib and mattress, are we?

This one's made by Baby Betsy.

You know, the young people
don't appreciate quality.

That's why I just love
to wait on grandparents.

Look, darling. Which do you
want, the blue or the pink?

I-I'll take both. Thank you.

- Harry Lambert.
- Oh, hello, Don.

Why, you old hound dog, you.

Say, it's been three years now,
hasn't it

since, uh, Sally and I
moved to Albany?

Hey, hey, this is just a trip

because my daughter
is, uh, you know

she's expecting any day now
and, uh..

Well, she just married
last year, eh, so, uh..

Yeah, well, listen to me go on.
What's new with you, Harry?

Harry, look.

Hello, Don.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

If you want anything, just ring.

Alright.

Oh, uh..

- Yeah, here.
- Thank you. Have fun.

Yeah.

You know, for a motel room,
this is really charming.

Yeah, yeah, it's, uh, charming.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Well.

[clears throat]

[humming]

Hm.

Hey, look at this.

Oh, yeah. It's, uh, a cat.

Interesting.

Bed's soft.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Oh, this is so orange.

Yeah, it's a orange bedspread.

[laughing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

- Hi.
- Hi there.

[chuckles]

Well.

You know, honey, Jim was right.

Now this was the thing to do.

Just get away from everything
and relax.

I know, I know, you can't hit
a homerun unless you relax.

[sighs]

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Come on. Let's pop the cork,
huh, before it gets warm?

Hey, catch.

I'll get the glasses.

[pops]

Oh, I am so relaxed.
Aren't you, Charlie?

Relaxed? Yes,
I've never been so relaxed.

- Come on.
- Here.

- For you?
- Give me a lot.

- And that's all you get.
- Okay.

Come on now, you make the toast,
huh, fit the occasion?

Uh, toast to fit the occasion.

Uh, here's to good health.

Hey, can't you think of anything
more romantic than that?

What's the matter
with good health?

Well, nothin'.

That was a real good toast,
Charlie.

I mean, after all,
without good health

what else is there, right?

- Right, yeah.
- Oh, come on, sweetheart.

You just relax.

Katie, I am relaxed.

You just practice
what you preach.

Oh, I haven't upset you now,
have I?

No, I'm not upset at all. No.

Baby's not upset. Not much.

Oh, don't start
with that baby talk.

- Don't make fun of me, Katie.
- Oh, come on. Stop it, Charlie.

I'm not making fun of you.
I was only kidding.

I'm just tryin'
to ease the tension

around here. Now come on.

Well, I got news for you, honey.
That's impossible!

Come on, Charlie, relax.

Relax! Don't you say that word
relax to me again!

How can anybody relax
around here?

You're makin' us act
like a couple of dopes.

That's what you're doin'.

A motel room in the middle
of the afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry, honey

but I don't think
lovemaking ought to be plotted.

I think it ought
to just...happen.

Oh, sure.

Sure, if I left it up
to you to let it happen

you know when it would?

Every time they throw tea
into the Boston Harbor.

[mumbles]
There, you call that relaxed?

No, I don't, Charlie.

I don't call this relaxed
because I'm not relaxed.

And I just figured out
why I'm not relaxed

because you're not relaxed.

And you're not relaxed because
you don't want a baby, Charlie.

So I never denied it.
It was your idea.

Oh, well, it goes a little
deeper than that, my dear.

It isn't because we can't
afford a baby, Charlie.

'It's because you can't face
the responsibility.'

Because if we had this baby,
Charlie Clinton

you'd have to grow up!

Oh, look who's talkin'
about growin' up.

You know somethin',
up until six months ago

you didn't know
how to boil an egg.

Well, I am boiling them now,
boy, oh, boy!

You know,
I thought it was my father

who's kept you from growing up

but that is not
the way it is at all.

'Yelling at you
as if you were a child.'

You've been hiding, Charlie,
behind my father's temper.

Blaming it instead of yourself!

Katie, that's a..

...dumb thing to say
and you know it.

Now let's just get out of here
before we both go nuts.

No.

Now come on, Charlie,
we agreed to this.

This is doctor's orders.

When I want a doctor,
I'll get sick first.

You big jerk!

Hi. Nice to see you.

Yes, we've been shopping.

Hi.

[instrumental music]

Oh, hi, sergeant.

Hello, Mrs. Lambert.

[blows whistle]

[tires screeching]

- Sergeant.
- Hello, Mrs. Lambert.

How nice of you
to stop the traffic.

- Come on, Harry. Come on.
- My pleasure.

[cars honking]

[indistinct chatter]

- Thank you. Come on, Harry.
- Have a good day.

Alright, alright.
Alright, I'm coming.

Oh, no, you don't. I've had it.

Oh, but we haven't finished yet.

- Maybe you haven't, but I have.
- Just one more stop, Harry.

I want to go to the Pink Di-Dee.

The Pink Di-Dee?

You're not gonna get me
into any Pink Di-Dee

and that's final.

Harry, you'd think
I was draggin' you

to I-don't-know-what
the way you carry on.

I don't know why shopping
with me can't be fun.

Fun? You call this fun?

I'll tell you what fun is.

Fun is tending to business
down at the yard, working.

Not this female nonsense.

Fun is when
I go through that gate

and the men say,
"Morning, sir"

and I say, "Morning, men."

Then I sit down in my office

and get Harold Cress
on the phone and tell him

he'd better pay the balance
of his bill or else.

That's fun.

Fun isn't just something
to laugh about.

I like serious fun.

Oh, but, dear, I thought that
you were having fun shopping

and that you were going
to enjoy it with me.

You thought.

Well, following you around,
making a damn fool of myself

that's not fun.

Harry, I think
I'm going to faint.

Well, go ahead and faint.
I'm going down

to the lumberyard
and have some fun.

[instrumental music]

- 'Oh.'
- Kate.

'Where have you been?'

Nowhere, mother.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Whatever it is,
it can't be that bad.

Oh, yes, it is.

It's worse.

What happened, dear?
You can tell me.

[sighs]
Oh, mom.

It was supposed to be a secret.

I wanted to surprise everybody
when it happened.

When what happened?

- A baby.
- Ba..

I've been trying
to get pregnant.

Oh, Kate, how wonderful.

Well, it could be,
except I'm practically

doing it all by myself.

Kate.

Well, it's true, mother.

My husband doesn't want a baby.
He's too selfish.

He's nothing but a big jerk.

- Kate!
- All men are jerks.

Now, Kate,
you're not to talk that way.

Why?

You know, men are only
interested in themselves.

[sighs]
That's true, dear.

Why do they marry us then?

They don't. We marry them.

And then we spend
the rest of our lives

trying to convince them that
we are good enough for them.

Kate dear,
you sound almost bitter.

You know that Charles
couldn't live without you.

Well, I couldn't live
without him either.

The only difference is
I know I can't and he doesn't.

Men are busy
about other things, dear.

I suppose they just don't think
about their wives that much.

- Well, they should.
- I know.

And they can
if we help them, mother.

- But I don't understand.
- You will.

- 'Lambert Lumber.'
- Hello?

Uh, this is Mrs. Clinton. May I
speak to my husband, please?

- 'Just a minute.'
- Thank you.

- Hello, Charlie?
- 'Uh-huh?'

Charlie, go to hell!

Kate!

He's thinkin' about me now,
mother.

[instrumental music]

- 'Lambert Lumber.'
- Uh, uh, this is Mrs. Lambert.

And I'd like to speak
to Mr. Lambert, please.

- 'Just a moment, Mrs. Lambert.'
- Alright.

- 'Hello.'
- Hello, Harry?

- 'Yes.'
- This is Edith.

- 'What is it, Edith?'
- Go to hell!

[Harry]
'What?'

[instrumental music]

Hey!

What?

I'll tell you something else.

Go ahead.

- You know why we're this way?
- Hm?

We're this way
on account of women.

They hate us.

Who cares?

Who-who needs them
in the first place?

But we're not
in the first place anymore.

We're in the second place.

[laughs]

Um..

...as long as we're alone..

...would you like to know
a real secret?

Promise not to tell anybody.

Okay. What's the secret?

Shh.

Kate wants to get pregnant.

Constantly.

Must be a kind of virus
goin' around here.

And as long as we're
on embarrassing subjects..

Yeah?

...why don't you
give me a raise, huh?

'Cause I don't know why I pay
you a salary in the first place.

Well, you seem to forget, sir,
that I went to college.

They pay you more than I do?

More cherries, bartender.

- You want another drink?
- 'Why not?'

Well, I gotta hand it to you..

...you old Harry Lambert, you.

You sure can handle your liquor.

[laughs]

That's because
I'm a man among men.

- Barman.
- Barman.

- Barman!
- Yeah?

Two more pink ladies.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[car approaches]

[tires screech]

[indistinct singing]

[Charlie]
Keep the change.

[continues singing]

- 'Hey!'
- 'Hey!'

[Harry]
'You see the light change?'

What are you,
drunk or something?

Goodnight, taxi cab!

♪ Goodnight taxi cab ♪

♪ We're glad to see you go ♪

♪ Goodnight taxi cab ♪

♪ Goodnight taxi cab ♪

♪ Goodnight taxi cab ♪

♪ We're glad to see you go ♪♪

[both laughing]

What have we done to them?

I've never seen them
like this before.

Neither have I.

- We've gone too far.
- You think so?

[laughing]

[Mayor Crane]
Hey, what's going on down there?

Who's that?

[Mayor Crane]
You know what time it is?

Do we know what time is it?

What kind of a question is that?

What do you think we are,
stupid or something?

Of course,
we know what time it is.

Go fry an egg!

He's right. Go fry an egg!

Is that you, Lambert?

Ooh.

That's for him to know..

...and for you to find out!

Yeah, that's for him to know
and me to find out.

You want some good advice?
You quiet down.

Waking up
the whole neighborhood.

Now go to bed!

Go to bed yourself!

The party's just starting.

And you're not invited!

[both laughing]

- What?
- I got a idea.

Where'd you get it?

You wanna show big ballot box
what we think of him?

- Right.
- You wanna get him mad?

- I mean, really mad?
- R-r-right!

You do?
Then fall along with me.

[dramatic music]

Well, come on, mom,
let's wait upstairs for them.

No, no, I want to be here
and apologize to your father.

No, I don't think
that's a good idea, mother.

Come on. Now be careful.

- Well--
- Come on.

Is this gonna be somethin'?

Or is this gonna be somethin'?

It's gonna be somethin'.

This is really
gonna be something.

[dramatic music]

Shh.

'Shh.'

'Shh.'

The coast is clear.

Come on.

Roger.

Psst, psst. Come on, come on.

Ready, 007?

Ready, Mr. Goldfinger.

Now.

[both laughing]

[band music]

Left turn, march!

[knock on door]

Left turn!

[knock on door]
Who's that?

We didn't invite anybody
to the party!

You know somethin'?
Maybe we did.

Let him in!
The more, the merrier.

Forward march!

Ten-hut!

Now just what do you..

[music stops]

I saw you, Lambert,
and, and you.

I saw the both of you.

And, uh, that thing
you left on my lawn.

You're gonna pay for it!

He already did.
$64 he paid.

[laughing]

You'd better learn some respect.

Respect?

Respect for what?

You, for instance?

The only reason
you're the mayor instead of me

is because
you fought a dirty campaign.

- You tell him, dad.
- Now listen, Lambert--

Now another thing!

You know what you are

always was
and always will be?

Nothing but a democrat.

Hear, hear.

Alright, Lambert.
You finally slandered me.

Your lumber contract
for the new stadium

was sent up for my signature
just yesterday.

You think I'm gonna sign it
after this?

In a pig's eye.

In a big, fat pig's eye.

What's he so mad about?

After we painted

bought a forklift..

...a brand-new truck..

...spent all that money.

- Look what you did to me.
- Me?

If it wasn't for you,
all this wouldn't have happened.

You must be drunk.

Well, well, how do you think
I got this way, huh?

Because of you.

That's how you think
I got this way.

Sure, blame it on me!

Sure.

Blame everything on me!

You want to know somethin'?

After living with you
for three years

I think everything's my fault.

Everything.

I'm psyched!

[blows raspberry]

'That's why I'm 27 years old'

and I am still living
in my father-in-law's home.

Home. Are you kidding?

You're 27 years old
and still living in my home

because it's safe
and warm in here.

You've got
yourself psyched, boy..

...'cause you haven't got
the guts

to go out and face life.

[instrumental music]

That's a lie.

I'm a liar, huh? Okay.

You asked for it.
Put 'em up.

- Oh, this is a showdown, huh?
- You bet it is.

Oh, yeah?
Well, every time has to come.

[dramatic music]

Missed me. Huh!

You watch this haymaker. Ugh!

Oh, give up, huh?
Had enough, huh?

- Charlie!
- 'Harry!'

- Oh!
- Giving up, huh?

Harry, please don't fight, dear,
don't fight.

- Oh.
- Probably a lucky punch.

Daddy, how could you be
such a bully?

It was all fair and square.

Oh, are you alright, dear?

[Edith]
'Are you sure
you're not hurt?'

A-are you sure
you're not hurt?

- I took all he had.
- Oh.

I was probably hit
below the belt.

[gasps]
Charlie, you weren't!

Oh!

Harry, Charles,
apologize to each other.

This isn't like
either one of you.

Oh, yes, it is, mother.
It's just like both of them.

One is as bad as the other.

Come on, you.
We're going upstairs.

Ooh! Where are they?

Harry, I'm sorry
about everything, dear.

I mean, the phone call.

I know I shouldn't have done it.

Say something to me, dear.

Say something, Harry.

[intense music]

- Please?
- Don't touch me.

I'm sick and tired
of everything.

I'm going upstairs.

Well, do you want me
to come with you?

- What for?
- Well, to talk about us.

Maybe say something that will
make everything alright again.

Nothing's ever gonna be
alright again!

Oh, Harry,
how can you say that?

Because it's the truth,
that's how.

I was once a nice,
respectable citizen.

Now I'm the talk of the town.

I even lost
the stadium contract.

I am a big fool.
That's what I am.

A man my age having a baby.

Don't you think I know
everybody's laughing at me, huh?

- That's not true.
- Oh, it isn't, isn't it?

Well, why do you think
I got these dark glasses, huh?

I didn't get them
from any eye doctor.

I bought them to hide behind

'so as nobody
could recognize me.'

I'm just a big joke.
That's what I am.

A great big joke.

Harry, I know that's not true.

How could you?

Sashaying around,
living a gay life

buying everything
you can lay your eyes on.

'What kind of an idiot are you
trying to make out of me, huh?'

'Look at me.'

You finally
even drove me to drink.

I'm disgraced. I'm ruined.

Harry, I knew
you weren't prepared

to face having the baby

but I didn't really know
you felt like this.

How could you?

You're not having the baby,
I am!

All you're having is a picnic.

Just leave me alone!

[mumbling]

I don't know why I'm still so
thirsty after all that liquor.

Oh, my head is so big.

[gasps]
Ooh, that's cold.

It's good for you.
It might clear your silly head.

It's gonna take
a little more than that

to clear my silly head.

You heard
what your father said.

'You said the same thing
yourself, Katie.'

I'm gonna make it
without that crutch.

You don't need it anymore,
Charlie.

Lean on yourself now..

...and we can start thinking
about our own home..

...and making babies.

Lots of them.

Kate, Charlie, drop everything
and come in here!

'Kate, Charlie, do you hear me?'

- What is it, dad?
- She's gone.

- Who? Who's gone?
- What?

- She's run away.
- Who has run away?

- Who?
- She's, she's--

- Let me see that.
- I must have dozed off.

- When I woke up, I found that.
- What does it say, honey?

"And ever since the day I told
you I was going to have a baby

"everybody has been
so unhap, unhappy.

"So if I'm not here, maybe you
will all learn to smile again.

"Nobody's smiled here
for a long time.

Goodbye."

- I smiled yesterday.
- Oh, daddy.

Well, we're not gonna stand
around here and moan about it.

- We gotta do something.
- 'Yes, please, Charlie.'

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna call the police.

You wanna find her, don't you?

Of course, I wanna find her.

- Hello, get me the police.
- The police?

I'll talk to them.

Daddy,
Charlie will handle it.

I don't need Charlie.
I'll handle it myself.

Hello, uh, police, I wanna
report a missing person.

Stop all transportation.
Don't let anything leave town.

[male #7]
'What's your name?'

There's a woman
in no condition to.. Huh?

- 'What's your name?'
- Never mind my name.

I don't want this
in the newspaper.

Now you listen to me,
this happens to be my wife.

- 'What does she look like?'
- You can't miss her.

She's an old pregnant woman.

- Daddy, mother isn't that old.
- Oh, hold it.

She's an old pregnant woman
who doesn't look her age.

There's been nobody
picked up tonight yet.

What? No, we don't get
many pregnancy cases.

But the only transportation
out of town at this hour

is the bus to Boston.

- Where's my hat?
- What?

- Where's my hat?
- Where's our mother?

- What did they say?
- Downstairs. I know.

What's he think this is?
"Peyton Place?"

[instrumental music]

[tires screech]

Edith, wait a minute!
Don't go!

Where are you going?
Wait a minute!

Edith, Edith, wait! Don't go!

Don't go! Edith, wait! Edith!

[instrumental music]

Edith!

'Edith!'

[tires screeching]

[chickens clucking]

[cow mooing]

[instrumental music]

- This is the end of the trail.
- This is the beginning for me.

- You're coming home.
- I'm not.

Well, have you any idea
what you're doing, huh?

Why are you bothering
with me, Harry?

You don't want me anymore.
You're ashamed of me.

- Ashamed of you?
- That's right.

You're ashamed of me
and of the baby.

- You realize people can hear?
- I don't care who can hear.

Now, look, this is no place
to discuss anything.

I didn't ask you
to follow me here.

Are you trying
to create a scandal?

I don't care.

I'm pregnant, you did it.

- And you've got to face it.
- Edith!

Harry, I didn't impregnate you.
You impregnated me.

Edith, this is a public place.

Well, what if it is?

I can't keep apologizing
for our baby.

I'm proud to be
having this child.

- So am I.
- Wha..

I am, Edith.

I am.

Harry, you know
how you've been behaving.

Never mind
how I've been behaving.

Did I ever actually
walk up to you and say

"Edith, I'm not proud
to be having our baby?"

- Did I?
- No, Harry, you didn't.

Alright then, Edith.

Harry.

You know, Edith

we haven't been together
in Boston for a long time.

Not since our honeymoon, Harry.

That's right.

Taxi.

What are you doing that for?

Do you realize what they charge
for this place?

- They have maid service.
- Yeah, that's silly.

I just don't want
some strange maid walking in

and seeing the place
looking like this.

You'll never change, Edith.

We can't all be
as pliable as you, dear.

That's true. Why didn't
you wake me up earlier?

You know I never sleep
this late.

Because you were exhausted.

Besides, it gave me a chance
to have your suit pressed.

Gave me a chance to get
some of the things we need

if we're going to stay here
a few days.

- Do you like the tie?
- Wait a minute.

I didn't say I was going
to stay here a few days.

Do you realize what Charlie
could do to me in a few days?

He could ruin me,
that's what he could do.

Well, after all these years

you should at least
give him the chance.

Well, I think we should call
Kate and Charles.

- Okay, get them.
- They must be worried.

- 'Yes?'
- Long distance, please.

- 'Long distance?'
- Yes.

I'd like to speak
to Calverton.

Klondike 5-5-0-1-8.

Thank you.

Yes, this is Mrs. Lambert
in...room 609.

[phone ringing]

They're ringing, dear.

[telephone rings]

- Hello.
- 'Kate?'

[gasps]
Mother. Charlie, mom!

- Mother, where have you--
- Is she alright?

I'm so happy
to hear from you, mother.

Is everything alright?

We've been worried sick
about you.

Of course,
everything's alright.

I'm with your father
here in Boston.

In Boston? Wonderful.

Let, let me talk to Charlie.

- Mom?
- 'Charlie?'

Dad, so you found mom okay?

Of course, I found her.
We're here together, aren't we?

- Now look here, Charlie--
- Listen, dad.

As long as you're in Boston,
why don't you and mother

just stay there for a few days?

That's a good idea, dad.
You could use a little vacation.

Don't tell me
when I can take a vacation.

Sounds as if
you're trying to get me

out of the way or something.

No, no, no, no.
It's not that at all.

We just thought that if, well

if you'd like to have
a second honeymoon

you don't have to worry
about anything down here

'cause everything's
under control.

Oh, yes, dad.
Everything is just great.

Now all that's important
is that

you and mother just forget
about everything.

Have a really good time.

You stop worrying
about your mother and me

having a good time
and tell that husband of yours

to start worrying
about the business.

If he'd have worried
about the business before

we wouldn't have lost
that stadium deal.

Oh, that.

About the, uh, contract
for the football field, dad..

Hey, mayor!

The mayor and I
were just talking and..

I think he's out of his mind.
He says the mayor's there.

It's Harry.

This is the mayor.
Hiya, Lambert.

- The mayor is there.
- Oh.

He's on the phone.

[Mayor Crane]
'Say, Charlie and I
were just talking out'

'a few details
on the stadium.'

Lambert Lumber
is sure gonna be busy.

Too busy for its president
to be running for mayor.

- Right, Lambert?
- What?

Oh, now Charlie's here,
said he'd talk to you.

He said that you promised
to give up your plans

to run for mayor if I worked out
the stadium contract.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my plans
for running for mayor.

Yes, I-I have given them up.

'A private survey I took'

'says that I could get
every woman's vote in town.'

Yes, I know. Charlie told me.

Charlie told you?
He did, did he?

Well, now let's cut out
the small talk.

'See that we have
the signed papers in one week.'

Right away.
And thanks a lot, Lambert.

It's a pleasure doing business
with an old established firm.

[chuckles]

Bye.

Charles Clinton
of Lambert Lumber Company here.

Charlie, never let it be said

that I don't appreciate
a piece of smart thinking.

When you get down
to the office tomorrow

have your name
printed on your door.

I haven't got a door.

Then get one!

He wants me to get a door

and he wants me
to put my name on that door!

Oh, Charlie! Oh, Charlie!

- You're a partner!
- Yeah!

- Harry.
- Hm?

Nothing. Just Harry.

You know, Edith,
I've been thinking.

Hm?

With the baby coming
and everything

you're gonna have a maid.

- Maid?
- With a uniform.

Why, Harry,
I don't need a maid.

I won't take no
for an answer, Edith.

It's a big house, you know.

And you're not as young
as you look.

Oh, Harry,
that's a nice thing to say.

Do you really think
I look young?

You've always had a pretty face.

I've noticed that.

Oh, Harry, you're so romantic.

- Oh.
- Oh, yes, you are.

Don't you try
to squirm out of it.

- Well.
- You see? You admit it.

Sometimes maybe.

I am pretty young
for my age, you know.

Of course, you are.
We're both young in a way.

That's why it's so wonderful
having this baby.

We're still part
of what makes things grow.

Yeah.

♪ Let your heart
stay young and strong ♪

♪ Just one note
can start a song ♪

♪ So don't worry
about how long you had ♪

♪ To wait ♪

♪ It's never too late ♪

♪ It's never too ♪

♪ Late ♪♪