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1
00:00:13,824 --> 00:00:15,526
[sniffles]
2
00:00:15,526 --> 00:00:18,262
Darling, are you okay?
3
00:00:18,262 --> 00:00:20,531
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
4
00:00:20,531 --> 00:00:22,366
[Nadja]
Something is wrong with Laszlo.
5
00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:24,535
It has been like this
a few weeks now.
6
00:00:24,535 --> 00:00:27,571
He just sits in the library,
staring off into space.
7
00:00:27,571 --> 00:00:29,273
I have never seen him
like this before.
8
00:00:29,273 --> 00:00:32,276
Ah, Laszlo,
I've just been reading this book
9
00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:34,311
about the Battle
Of Quiberon Bay.
10
00:00:34,311 --> 00:00:36,246
Could you explain to me
the difference between
11
00:00:36,246 --> 00:00:40,117
an Endymion-class frigate
and a brigantine?
12
00:00:40,117 --> 00:00:42,987
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
13
00:00:42,987 --> 00:00:44,855
[Nadja]
I fear I am to blame.
14
00:00:44,855 --> 00:00:46,557
Laszlo is so worried
about this hex
15
00:00:46,557 --> 00:00:48,325
that is ruining my eternal life
16
00:00:48,325 --> 00:00:50,294
that he is emotionally depleted.
17
00:00:50,294 --> 00:00:51,829
[Nandor]
Sadly, I think it is
18
00:00:51,829 --> 00:00:53,931
because
his world has been rocked
19
00:00:53,931 --> 00:00:56,533
by the fact
that I am in such a good place.
20
00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:59,837
Actually,
I keep having these dreams
21
00:00:59,837 --> 00:01:02,473
where I'm a small child,
22
00:01:02,473 --> 00:01:05,309
and Laszlo is... my daddy.
23
00:01:05,309 --> 00:01:08,245
Oh, that is actually because
that did happen, Colin Robinson.
24
00:01:08,245 --> 00:01:11,382
I think I would remember
Laszlo wiping my bottom.
25
00:01:11,382 --> 00:01:12,950
- [chuckles]
- It's 'cause he did.
26
00:01:12,950 --> 00:01:14,351
Though, to be fair, that...
27
00:01:14,351 --> 00:01:16,387
that is what's happening
28
00:01:16,387 --> 00:01:18,255
- in-in the dream.
- Ew.
- Please stop.
29
00:01:18,255 --> 00:01:19,857
[quietly]
Laszlo?
30
00:01:19,857 --> 00:01:21,191
Laszlo?
31
00:01:21,191 --> 00:01:22,960
Yeah, it's my fault.
32
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,328
Laszlo's been working so hard
to figure out
33
00:01:24,328 --> 00:01:25,996
why I'm not
a full vampire yet.
34
00:01:25,996 --> 00:01:28,032
- And Laszlo hates defeat, so,
- [groaning]
35
00:01:28,032 --> 00:01:29,333
I think it's broken his brain.
36
00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:30,300
[whispering]
Laszlo, I just want you
37
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:31,468
to know that it's okay.
38
00:01:31,468 --> 00:01:32,970
- You did your best.
- Gizmo?
39
00:01:32,970 --> 00:01:35,072
Ah. Yes.
Yes, I'm here for you.
40
00:01:35,072 --> 00:01:36,373
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
41
00:01:36,373 --> 00:01:39,076
[Nadja]
Even his libido is out of whack.
42
00:01:39,076 --> 00:01:42,112
I mean, we are down to, like,
only 16 fucks a week.
43
00:01:42,112 --> 00:01:44,281
We are down to just three.
44
00:01:44,281 --> 00:01:47,418
I can't even get enough
of a rise out of him
45
00:01:47,418 --> 00:01:48,952
for a mini-drain.
46
00:01:48,952 --> 00:01:50,854
Oh, good Lord. Ooh!
47
00:01:50,854 --> 00:01:54,992
Does the limited warranty cover
the power cord, or just
48
00:01:54,992 --> 00:01:57,261
- the main unit itself?
- Ooh, I have been
hammering so hard
49
00:01:57,261 --> 00:01:59,797
- on these big nails.
- Good one, Jimbo.
You got me there.
50
00:01:59,797 --> 00:02:01,832
- Yeah, no, I'd love
to go on hold. Sure.
- Ooh. Ooh.
51
00:02:01,832 --> 00:02:03,334
- [Muzak plays over phone]
- Let's pound some rivets, baby.
52
00:02:03,334 --> 00:02:05,035
[Nandor]
Look what I found.
53
00:02:05,035 --> 00:02:07,137
A big box of ships
and pornography.
54
00:02:07,137 --> 00:02:09,272
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
55
00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:12,443
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
56
00:02:12,443 --> 00:02:15,045
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
57
00:02:15,045 --> 00:02:17,414
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
58
00:02:17,414 --> 00:02:20,150
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
59
00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:23,086
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
60
00:02:24,521 --> 00:02:27,558
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
61
00:02:27,558 --> 00:02:30,361
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
62
00:02:30,361 --> 00:02:32,830
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
63
00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:34,932
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
64
00:02:34,932 --> 00:02:37,233
♪ ♪
65
00:02:45,008 --> 00:02:47,344
[Nandor]
Ugh. Anything?
66
00:02:47,344 --> 00:02:49,413
Remember:
there are no stupid ideas,
67
00:02:49,413 --> 00:02:51,782
just stupid people. [groans]
68
00:02:51,782 --> 00:02:53,384
What do we know about Laszlo?
69
00:02:53,384 --> 00:02:55,285
[Nadja]
Guillermo, you spend
70
00:02:55,285 --> 00:02:58,088
a lot of your life
being very miserable and sad.
71
00:02:58,088 --> 00:03:00,124
Do you have any ideas?
72
00:03:00,124 --> 00:03:03,160
- Okay.
- Is it all right
if I pitch an idea?
73
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,997
What about
if we threw Laszlo a roast?
74
00:03:06,997 --> 00:03:10,434
Right? Where we all give
funny speeches about Laszlo,
75
00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:12,102
kind of tease him a little bit,
76
00:03:12,102 --> 00:03:14,371
and it just makes him so happy
for some reason?
77
00:03:14,371 --> 00:03:15,973
[Nandor sighs]
78
00:03:15,973 --> 00:03:18,442
- Hold on! I've got one.
- Yes?
79
00:03:18,442 --> 00:03:19,510
- Nope. Lost it.
- [Nandor sighs]
80
00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:20,811
[Colin]
What if--
81
00:03:20,811 --> 00:03:22,179
hear me out on this--
82
00:03:22,179 --> 00:03:25,549
what if we threw Laszlo a roast?
83
00:03:25,549 --> 00:03:26,784
[Nadja]
Love that idea!
84
00:03:26,784 --> 00:03:29,219
Now, this is an idea I like!
85
00:03:29,219 --> 00:03:32,022
- [laughing] I just said that.
- [Nandor] How did you
think of that?
86
00:03:32,022 --> 00:03:33,490
- [Guide] I said it so loud.
- [Nadja] Well done, Colin.
87
00:03:35,058 --> 00:03:38,094
No peeking, cheeky.
[counting in Greek]
88
00:03:40,163 --> 00:03:41,999
[all]
Surprise!
89
00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:44,801
- [upbeat jazz playing]
- [cheering]
90
00:03:47,437 --> 00:03:50,974
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official roast
91
00:03:50,974 --> 00:03:54,211
of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!
92
00:03:54,211 --> 00:03:56,447
[applause and cheering]
93
00:03:56,447 --> 00:04:00,551
Yes, Laszlo,
this night is for you.
94
00:04:00,551 --> 00:04:02,453
Just look at this crowd!
95
00:04:02,453 --> 00:04:05,289
- [laughs]
- We gathered all
96
00:04:05,289 --> 00:04:09,293
the people that love you
into this one room.
97
00:04:09,293 --> 00:04:11,228
And then when we saw
all the empty chairs,
98
00:04:11,228 --> 00:04:14,131
we decided to drag some randos
in off the street to fill them!
99
00:04:14,131 --> 00:04:16,834
- [drum plays rim shot]
- [laughter]
100
00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:21,005
So many illustrious guests
here on the dais tonight.
101
00:04:21,005 --> 00:04:23,073
And also Colin Robinson.
102
00:04:23,073 --> 00:04:24,908
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
103
00:04:24,908 --> 00:04:27,311
He got me. I got got.
104
00:04:27,311 --> 00:04:30,080
Our neighbor Sean is here.
105
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,916
- Hey-yo! [laughs]
- [Nandor] Don't worry.
we hypnotized him
106
00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:35,853
so he's not gonna remember
anything tomorrow.
107
00:04:35,853 --> 00:04:38,222
- Seanie.
- Seanie.
108
00:04:38,222 --> 00:04:42,326
I see the great Baron Afanas
is here this evening,
109
00:04:42,326 --> 00:04:46,964
restored to his original
splendor, thank goodness.
110
00:04:46,964 --> 00:04:49,900
For a couple of years,
the baron looked a lot like
111
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:53,237
if George Hamilton had had sex
with some pork rinds.
112
00:04:53,237 --> 00:04:55,239
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
113
00:04:55,239 --> 00:04:58,341
- Hmm.
- I see that The Guide
is also here.
114
00:05:01,611 --> 00:05:05,049
So, everyone, please join me
115
00:05:05,049 --> 00:05:07,117
in saluting the man of the hour,
116
00:05:07,117 --> 00:05:10,054
the one, the only
Laszlo Cravensworth.
117
00:05:10,054 --> 00:05:11,455
- [whooping]
- [applause]
118
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:13,791
We've known each other
so many, many years,
119
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,259
you know.
120
00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:17,895
We can practically finish
each other's hand jobs.
121
00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:19,496
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
122
00:05:19,496 --> 00:05:21,198
We are just getting started.
It is your roast.
123
00:05:21,198 --> 00:05:23,200
A one, a two,
a one, two, three, four.
124
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,035
- [lively jazz playing]
- It's Laszlo's roast.
125
00:05:25,035 --> 00:05:27,304
- It is his...
- [all] Roast.
126
00:05:27,304 --> 00:05:29,206
- It's Laszlo's...
- [all] Roast!
127
00:05:29,206 --> 00:05:30,907
We'll be back right after this.
128
00:05:36,146 --> 00:05:37,848
If you think
the missionary position involves
129
00:05:37,848 --> 00:05:39,116
lying on top of a missionary,
130
00:05:39,116 --> 00:05:42,286
you might be
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
131
00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:44,822
- [laughter]
- [rim shot]
- If the first thing
132
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:47,491
you look for
in a woman is your dick,
133
00:05:47,491 --> 00:05:49,226
you might just be...
134
00:05:49,226 --> 00:05:51,829
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
135
00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,564
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- [man] Hey!
136
00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:56,300
If you think ejaculating
onto the pillow counts
137
00:05:56,300 --> 00:06:00,137
as "cooking your wife dinner,"
you might just be...
138
00:06:00,137 --> 00:06:02,439
[all]
A Laszlo Cravensworth.
139
00:06:02,439 --> 00:06:04,508
- [band plays]
- [laughter]
140
00:06:04,508 --> 00:06:06,810
- Women can be funny.
- [band stops playing]
141
00:06:08,545 --> 00:06:10,014
- [glass breaking]
- Ooh.
142
00:06:10,014 --> 00:06:12,282
Some describe Laszlo
143
00:06:12,282 --> 00:06:15,085
as a man of arts and letters.
144
00:06:15,085 --> 00:06:16,887
[quiet laughter]
145
00:06:16,887 --> 00:06:19,890
I can think of a couple
of letters to describe Laszlo.
146
00:06:19,890 --> 00:06:22,926
"F" and "W."
147
00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:28,365
Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."
148
00:06:28,365 --> 00:06:30,901
- [rim shot]
- Sorry. It was supposed
to be "F" and...
149
00:06:30,901 --> 00:06:32,970
- [rim shot]
- I think I'm just going
150
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,972
to tell a story.
151
00:06:34,972 --> 00:06:38,108
A story called
"The Aristocrats."
152
00:06:38,108 --> 00:06:41,845
Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed
to say the name till the end.
153
00:06:41,845 --> 00:06:43,514
Forget I said the name of it.
154
00:06:43,514 --> 00:06:46,817
Um, anyway, a father,
a mother, a son
155
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:51,021
and a daughter walk
into a talent agent's office.
156
00:06:51,021 --> 00:06:52,956
And the... the father says,
157
00:06:52,956 --> 00:06:55,526
"Boy, have I got an act
for you!"
158
00:06:55,526 --> 00:07:00,264
Uh, and the talent agent says,
"Well, let's see it then."
159
00:07:00,264 --> 00:07:02,966
Oh, and-and
there's a... a dog.
160
00:07:02,966 --> 00:07:05,903
Uh, the family dog.
That's important to note.
161
00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:08,038
- [lively jazz playing]
- [applause]
162
00:07:08,038 --> 00:07:11,508
- [rim shot]
- Up next, we have a man
163
00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:16,513
who knows more about roasting
than his beloved Arby's.
164
00:07:16,513 --> 00:07:18,349
- [rim shot]
- [scattered laughter]
165
00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:21,485
- Hmm?
- When this guy starts
roasting a vampire,
166
00:07:21,485 --> 00:07:24,888
you better bring a bun,
and also some ketchup.
167
00:07:24,888 --> 00:07:27,491
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- I don't get it.
168
00:07:27,491 --> 00:07:30,894
[Guide] I did whisper
to the baron that
169
00:07:30,894 --> 00:07:33,097
it was Guillermo
who opened the door
170
00:07:33,097 --> 00:07:36,400
that let the sun come in to burn
his body into bits, you know,
171
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,102
a few years ago because
172
00:07:38,102 --> 00:07:40,037
he didn't know
what the joke was.
173
00:07:40,037 --> 00:07:42,506
And I was trying to help him,
'cause being left out of a joke,
174
00:07:42,506 --> 00:07:44,041
it sucks.
175
00:07:44,041 --> 00:07:45,976
[Nandor]
So give it up for an expert
176
00:07:45,976 --> 00:07:47,911
on raking 'em over the coals,
177
00:07:47,911 --> 00:07:49,213
or should I say the foyer rug...
178
00:07:49,213 --> 00:07:50,547
- Okay, okay. Thank you.
- [rim shot]
179
00:07:50,547 --> 00:07:52,116
[Guide]
And then I did also mention
180
00:07:52,116 --> 00:07:54,018
that Guillermo had
Van Helsing lineage.
181
00:07:54,018 --> 00:07:56,253
That one just slipped out.
182
00:07:56,253 --> 00:08:00,491
So, we are all here tonight
to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.
183
00:08:00,491 --> 00:08:03,494
Cravensworth? I'm more like,
184
00:08:03,494 --> 00:08:05,963
Cravensworth-less.
185
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,498
- [rimshot]
- [laughter]
186
00:08:07,498 --> 00:08:10,034
Might I say a word or two?
187
00:08:10,034 --> 00:08:12,236
Yes, absolutely, Baron.
Please vacate
188
00:08:12,236 --> 00:08:14,972
the microphone for the baron.
Please welcome a man
189
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:18,976
who knows quite a lot
about... sick burns.
190
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:22,112
[rim shots, laughter]
191
00:08:22,112 --> 00:08:24,014
Baron Afanas.
192
00:08:24,014 --> 00:08:27,050
- [music plays]
- [whooping, applause]
193
00:08:28,585 --> 00:08:31,422
Look at this festive assembly.
194
00:08:31,422 --> 00:08:33,824
All of us,
gathered here together,
195
00:08:33,824 --> 00:08:36,393
chuckling at jokes
and silliness.
196
00:08:36,393 --> 00:08:38,962
- [laughter]
- And jackanapery.
197
00:08:38,962 --> 00:08:40,364
[rim shots]
198
00:08:40,364 --> 00:08:43,033
I guess there's only one thing
left to say.
199
00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:46,003
What is this shit?
200
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,571
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
201
00:08:47,571 --> 00:08:49,139
[laughs] Very good.
202
00:08:49,139 --> 00:08:51,508
[Baron]
You call yourselves vampires?
203
00:08:51,508 --> 00:08:55,045
Bah. This entire evening
has been nothing but
204
00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:57,481
a pageant of insipid nonsense.
205
00:08:57,481 --> 00:08:59,350
[laughing] Yes.
206
00:08:59,350 --> 00:09:02,886
Worshipping at the altar
of your own mediocre frivolity.
207
00:09:02,886 --> 00:09:05,356
A jester's hollow dance.
208
00:09:05,356 --> 00:09:06,857
And who is laughing?
209
00:09:06,857 --> 00:09:08,359
Yeah! [whoops]
210
00:09:08,359 --> 00:09:10,561
[grunts]
211
00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,262
[Baron]
Vampires are supposed to have
212
00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:16,000
blood orgies
and slaughter circles.
213
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,235
Gah! You have all gone soft.
214
00:09:18,235 --> 00:09:21,505
You even invited humans
to this asinine affair.
215
00:09:21,505 --> 00:09:22,973
All right, you know what?
Sean is cool.
216
00:09:22,973 --> 00:09:24,241
He's a good time.
I take that one back.
217
00:09:24,241 --> 00:09:26,510
But everything else is
an embarrassment
218
00:09:26,510 --> 00:09:28,912
to the very word "vampire."
219
00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:31,415
[Nandor]
Baron, we just were
220
00:09:31,415 --> 00:09:33,851
trying to, you know,
cheer up Laszlo a bit.
221
00:09:33,851 --> 00:09:36,120
He just hasn't
been himself lately.
222
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,390
Vampires do not need
cheering up!
223
00:09:39,390 --> 00:09:42,292
- [electrical hissing
and popping]
- We vampires
224
00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:44,495
are not cheerful creatures.
225
00:09:44,495 --> 00:09:47,865
We sit, and we brood,
for centuries on end,
226
00:09:47,865 --> 00:09:51,502
plotting the demise of our foes
and innocent bystanders alike!
227
00:09:51,502 --> 00:09:54,371
- Oh, okay, I guess we didn't
really see it like that--
- Uh!
228
00:09:54,371 --> 00:09:56,840
- [Nadja whimpers]
- And the worst part?
229
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,376
I find out only tonight
230
00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:01,145
that you have all been keeping
231
00:10:01,145 --> 00:10:04,381
secrets around here,
have you not?
232
00:10:04,381 --> 00:10:09,520
For years, I now know
that you have been harboring
233
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,290
- a vampire killer...
- [all gasping]
234
00:10:13,290 --> 00:10:15,993
...right here
under your own roof...
235
00:10:15,993 --> 00:10:17,494
Uh...
236
00:10:17,494 --> 00:10:21,131
...who, in fact,
tried to kill me.
237
00:10:21,131 --> 00:10:23,000
- [gasping]
- What? What vampire--
238
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,968
Do not insult my intelligence!
239
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:28,805
So, vampire killer.
240
00:10:31,274 --> 00:10:34,845
Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
241
00:10:34,845 --> 00:10:36,213
Well, I, uh--
242
00:10:36,213 --> 00:10:38,482
It doesn't matter
what you have to say! Seize him!
243
00:10:38,482 --> 00:10:40,551
- Run!
- [growling]
244
00:10:40,551 --> 00:10:42,820
[audience exclaiming]
245
00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:44,854
[panting]
246
00:10:46,923 --> 00:10:48,959
[growling]
247
00:10:51,328 --> 00:10:53,831
Baron, show him mercy!
248
00:10:53,831 --> 00:10:56,366
Let us give you
the very simple explanation!
249
00:11:00,904 --> 00:11:03,206
[panting]
250
00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:06,844
- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.
251
00:11:06,844 --> 00:11:08,011
- Are-are you o--
- [Nadja squeals]
252
00:11:08,812 --> 00:11:11,015
- [Nadja coughing] Behind you.
- What?
253
00:11:11,015 --> 00:11:12,816
[coughing]
254
00:11:12,816 --> 00:11:14,551
[gasps]
255
00:11:14,551 --> 00:11:16,420
- [Nadja] Ooh.
- [Nandor] Laszlo?
256
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,556
- Laszlo!
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
257
00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:22,893
[grunting]
258
00:11:22,893 --> 00:11:24,862
[panting]
259
00:11:24,862 --> 00:11:26,796
[Baron groaning]
260
00:11:33,303 --> 00:11:35,239
Baron, stop!
261
00:11:35,239 --> 00:11:37,975
- It was just a mix-em-up!
- [Nadja] A whoopsie-daisy!
262
00:11:37,975 --> 00:11:39,576
- [Nandor yells]
- Stay out of this!
263
00:11:39,576 --> 00:11:40,944
[both yelling]
264
00:11:42,346 --> 00:11:43,514
[grunts]
265
00:11:43,514 --> 00:11:46,350
[car alarm sounding]
266
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:48,018
[growling]
267
00:11:48,018 --> 00:11:50,453
[grunting]
268
00:11:52,322 --> 00:11:54,258
[Baron] Gah!
269
00:11:54,258 --> 00:11:56,493
- [car thudding]
- [glass breaking]
270
00:11:56,493 --> 00:11:58,295
- Don't film this.
- [Nandor] Okay.
271
00:11:58,295 --> 00:12:00,230
- Hey, guys.
- Not now!
272
00:12:00,230 --> 00:12:02,032
Oh, I just wanted
to take a quick moment
273
00:12:02,032 --> 00:12:04,034
to apologize
for telling the baron
274
00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:06,103
that it was Guillermo
who burned him to a crisp.
275
00:12:06,103 --> 00:12:07,871
- Not now.
- That's on me.
276
00:12:07,871 --> 00:12:10,073
- [Nandor] Are you done?
- [Guide] Sorry.
277
00:12:10,841 --> 00:12:13,010
You know what, Nandor? I think
let's just sit this one out.
278
00:12:13,010 --> 00:12:14,845
Let them two sort it out
between themselves.
279
00:12:14,845 --> 00:12:15,879
[Baron grunts]
280
00:12:15,879 --> 00:12:16,847
- [Nandor gasps]
- Hmm?
281
00:12:16,847 --> 00:12:18,482
- Ah...
- [grunts]
282
00:12:18,482 --> 00:12:21,852
You are forgetting that
Guillermo is a vampire killer.
283
00:12:21,852 --> 00:12:23,487
Which means he could kill
the baron.
284
00:12:23,487 --> 00:12:25,956
We are direct descendants
of the baron's vampiric line,
285
00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:27,524
which means we would all die.
286
00:12:27,524 --> 00:12:29,960
[Nadja] Maybe it wouldn't be
such a bad thing
287
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,228
- if we ended up dying?
- [Nandor] Wh... Are you okay?
288
00:12:31,228 --> 00:12:32,830
Yeah.
289
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,832
I've just been going
through a lot lately.
290
00:12:34,832 --> 00:12:36,867
- [groans]
- [Nadja] So... Fine.
291
00:12:36,867 --> 00:12:39,803
if we want to live, then yes,
I do have a plan.
292
00:12:45,042 --> 00:12:46,977
Guillermo? [groans]
293
00:12:46,977 --> 00:12:48,512
Nadja, anything?
294
00:12:48,512 --> 00:12:50,014
No!
295
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:51,815
- No sign of Gizmo or the baron.
- [groans]
296
00:12:51,815 --> 00:12:53,350
Wait. Hang on. Hey!
297
00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:55,519
- Come here, you little shit!
- [groans]
298
00:12:55,519 --> 00:12:56,887
[Nandor] Shit.
299
00:12:56,887 --> 00:12:58,155
- What?
- [Nadja] I got him!
300
00:12:58,155 --> 00:12:59,223
Meet me out front!
301
00:12:59,223 --> 00:13:02,859
She's got him! I'm coming!
302
00:13:04,394 --> 00:13:07,498
- You got Guillermo?
- No. The baron.
303
00:13:07,498 --> 00:13:09,566
Are you telling me
Baron Afanas cannot fight
304
00:13:09,566 --> 00:13:11,235
his way out of a burlap sack?
305
00:13:11,235 --> 00:13:12,536
I think he's injured.
306
00:13:12,536 --> 00:13:14,505
We had quite the scuffle
in there. [laughs]
307
00:13:14,505 --> 00:13:16,106
[Guillermo]
How badly is he hurt?
308
00:13:16,106 --> 00:13:17,508
- [Nandor] There you are.
- Because if he dies...
309
00:13:17,508 --> 00:13:18,909
- Yes, we know.
- [Nadja] Oh, shut up, Guillermo.
310
00:13:18,909 --> 00:13:20,844
[Baron]
Guillermo, help me.
311
00:13:20,844 --> 00:13:24,415
These two imbeciles,
they are trying to kill me.
312
00:13:24,415 --> 00:13:26,950
You know, if you help
the baron, he might forgive you.
313
00:13:26,950 --> 00:13:30,988
Yeah. Okay, Baron.
I want to help you.
314
00:13:30,988 --> 00:13:33,257
- But you have to promise
not to hurt me.
- [Baron] Yes.
315
00:13:33,257 --> 00:13:35,092
- I promise. Please.
- Okay, then.
316
00:13:35,092 --> 00:13:36,560
Let's just get you out of here.
You're gonna be safe.
317
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,562
- And... [groans]
- [electricity buzzing]
318
00:13:38,562 --> 00:13:41,131
- [laughing]
- All right, dudes.
319
00:13:41,131 --> 00:13:42,132
Now what?
320
00:13:42,132 --> 00:13:43,967
Yoo-hoo?
321
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:45,369
Baron?
322
00:13:45,369 --> 00:13:47,571
We've got the little
motherfucker, Baron!
323
00:13:47,571 --> 00:13:49,372
- [gasps]
- [shrieks]
324
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:51,442
Nicely done.
325
00:13:51,442 --> 00:13:53,310
And now? Leave him to me.
326
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:55,879
Baron, we ask that you show
Guillermo mercy.
327
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:57,981
- [groaning]
- No! Ow.
328
00:14:02,519 --> 00:14:04,120
What is the meaning of this?
329
00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:06,991
- Sorry.
- Terribly.
330
00:14:06,991 --> 00:14:08,826
[roaring]
331
00:14:08,826 --> 00:14:11,161
[Nandor] So,
to review again, Baron...
332
00:14:11,161 --> 00:14:13,163
- Mm-hmm.
- ...you agree that
333
00:14:13,163 --> 00:14:15,265
when Guillermo opened the door
334
00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:17,234
and fried you by the sun,
335
00:14:17,234 --> 00:14:20,237
he did not know that you were
inside at the time?
336
00:14:20,237 --> 00:14:21,972
I do.
337
00:14:21,972 --> 00:14:23,407
Great. And, Guillermo,
338
00:14:23,407 --> 00:14:26,043
you accept,
even though it was an accident,
339
00:14:26,043 --> 00:14:29,480
that the baron has every right
to be very mad
340
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,249
at the fact that
he got fried by the sun?
341
00:14:32,249 --> 00:14:33,884
I-I do.
342
00:14:33,884 --> 00:14:36,220
I will accept your apology
if you will accept
343
00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:38,822
- the fact that I'm still
going to kill you.
- [Guillermo] What?
344
00:14:38,822 --> 00:14:41,158
- No. No.
- Guillermo, he is trying to
meet you in the middle here.
345
00:14:41,158 --> 00:14:44,261
- Come on.
- It's like he doesn't even want
this to be resolved.
346
00:14:44,261 --> 00:14:46,230
By my killing him.
347
00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:47,898
No, I do want this
to be resolved, but--
348
00:14:47,898 --> 00:14:49,500
Okay, you know what?
Let's take a hard five.
349
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:52,936
Guillermo, I will take a carafe
of your finest blood.
350
00:14:54,137 --> 00:14:57,140
Ah, yes. Okay.
I will fetch.
351
00:14:58,141 --> 00:14:59,243
Baron Afanas?
352
00:14:59,243 --> 00:15:01,277
Yes, snake?
353
00:15:02,913 --> 00:15:05,849
I can't help
my vampire hunter lineage,
354
00:15:05,849 --> 00:15:08,419
but I want you to know
that I have renounced it.
355
00:15:08,419 --> 00:15:11,221
[huffs]
And how did you do this?
356
00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:14,224
[muttering] Guillermo?
This is dangerous territory.
357
00:15:14,224 --> 00:15:16,226
I...
358
00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:18,128
got turned into a vampire.
359
00:15:19,129 --> 00:15:20,363
You...
360
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:23,834
...are a vampire?
361
00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:27,804
Guillermo is a vampire?
Did everybody else know this?
362
00:15:29,139 --> 00:15:31,508
Delicious. Ah!
363
00:15:31,508 --> 00:15:33,577
[laughs]
364
00:15:33,577 --> 00:15:37,948
Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse
betrayal of your own kind.
365
00:15:37,948 --> 00:15:40,284
Oh, I like it a lot.
366
00:15:40,284 --> 00:15:41,852
And kudos to Nandor.
367
00:15:41,852 --> 00:15:44,388
Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,
368
00:15:44,388 --> 00:15:47,124
a vampire killer,
into a vampire?
369
00:15:47,124 --> 00:15:49,093
Oh! Oh, that is a big get.
[chuckles]
370
00:15:49,093 --> 00:15:50,861
I must congratulate him
when he returns.
371
00:15:50,861 --> 00:15:51,895
[Guillermo]
Well, see, that's the thing.
372
00:15:51,895 --> 00:15:54,398
It wasn't Nandor that turned me.
373
00:15:54,398 --> 00:15:55,899
What?
374
00:15:55,899 --> 00:15:58,235
Oh, it was that vampire
named Derek.
375
00:15:58,235 --> 00:16:00,104
How could you do such a thing?
376
00:16:00,104 --> 00:16:01,372
I've just been
waiting for this a long time,
377
00:16:01,372 --> 00:16:03,874
and yeah,
it's still a bit sticky, but--
378
00:16:03,874 --> 00:16:05,576
Oh, "sticky"?
379
00:16:05,576 --> 00:16:09,045
I think it is a bit more
than just "sticky."
380
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:13,217
It is a devastation.
A violation.
381
00:16:13,217 --> 00:16:15,119
A humiliation!
382
00:16:15,119 --> 00:16:18,088
A shame from which neither you
nor Nandor shall ever recover.
383
00:16:18,088 --> 00:16:20,124
I know, I know, and that's
exactly why I haven't told him.
384
00:16:20,124 --> 00:16:22,359
And I would appreciate it
if none of you
385
00:16:22,359 --> 00:16:23,961
tell him, either.
386
00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:25,996
You know me,
I'm-I'm like a vault...
387
00:16:25,996 --> 00:16:27,431
with stuff.
388
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:30,868
Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell
anyone anything.
389
00:16:30,868 --> 00:16:33,170
In fact, I'd very much like
390
00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:36,874
to be excluded
from this narrative.
391
00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:39,376
Me, too. I should go.
392
00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:41,011
Guillermo, you and I?
We are good.
393
00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:42,846
- Oh.
- You all have
much graver matters
394
00:16:42,846 --> 00:16:44,515
to discuss here,
395
00:16:44,515 --> 00:16:47,818
and I want no part of
what might transpire if--
396
00:16:47,818 --> 00:16:51,355
Here we go!
Blood for the vampires.
397
00:16:51,355 --> 00:16:52,489
- Baron.
- Mm.
398
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:55,492
And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.
399
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:58,095
- Thank you.
- So, what did I miss?
400
00:16:58,095 --> 00:16:59,163
Mm?
401
00:16:59,163 --> 00:17:01,365
Oh, Guillermo and I have
402
00:17:01,365 --> 00:17:03,967
called a truce.
403
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:06,970
A truce? So, you are not
killing him, then?
404
00:17:06,970 --> 00:17:09,573
Well, I will not be the one
405
00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:12,176
to take this
familiar's life tonight.
406
00:17:12,176 --> 00:17:13,510
[Nandor]
Oh, that's great.
407
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:14,978
Good to hear.
408
00:17:14,978 --> 00:17:17,081
So good, in fact,
I propose a toast.
409
00:17:17,081 --> 00:17:19,350
To the baron, to Guillermo,
410
00:17:19,350 --> 00:17:21,485
to the work
we have achieved tonight.
411
00:17:21,485 --> 00:17:22,786
Cheers!
412
00:17:24,187 --> 00:17:25,522
[exhales]
413
00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:27,825
- Oh, that's sweet.
- May I?
414
00:17:27,825 --> 00:17:28,858
Mm.
415
00:17:30,894 --> 00:17:34,497
If I could have a moment
alone with Guillermo?
416
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:38,235
- Alone.
- Mm.
417
00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:39,837
Yeah, no, please.
418
00:17:39,837 --> 00:17:41,372
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes, thank you, Baron.
419
00:17:41,372 --> 00:17:43,307
Thank you.
420
00:17:43,307 --> 00:17:45,009
[sighs]
421
00:17:45,009 --> 00:17:49,079
Guillermo, vampire to vampire...
422
00:17:50,113 --> 00:17:51,982
A secret like this,
423
00:17:51,982 --> 00:17:54,518
it will not stay hidden forever.
424
00:17:54,518 --> 00:17:58,022
It is best that
Nandor hears it from you.
425
00:17:58,022 --> 00:17:59,957
- I know.
- Mm.
426
00:17:59,957 --> 00:18:01,959
But...
427
00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:04,028
what do you think he'll do?
428
00:18:04,028 --> 00:18:05,996
Probably kill you.
429
00:18:05,996 --> 00:18:07,865
Then himself.
430
00:18:07,865 --> 00:18:09,366
That is what I would do.
431
00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:12,369
- Right.
- Mm.
432
00:18:12,369 --> 00:18:15,005
You know, it's funny,
I did all this because
433
00:18:15,005 --> 00:18:18,008
I want to be a vampire,
a great vampire.
434
00:18:18,008 --> 00:18:20,978
- Like Nandor, like you.
- Oh...
435
00:18:20,978 --> 00:18:23,514
Your heart is
in the right place, my boy.
436
00:18:23,514 --> 00:18:26,483
And please know
that I am rooting for you, hmm?
437
00:18:26,483 --> 00:18:29,520
- To not get killed.
- Oh. Thank you.
438
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,489
- But... these things happen.
- Well, I hope not.
439
00:18:32,489 --> 00:18:34,958
Can't afford another accident
on my watch.
440
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:37,227
- [screams]
- No! No!
441
00:18:37,227 --> 00:18:39,363
- Guillermo, no! No, no!
- Ah, no! [crying]
442
00:18:39,363 --> 00:18:42,132
[Baron screaming]
443
00:18:48,138 --> 00:18:50,007
Well, things were almost okay.
444
00:18:50,007 --> 00:18:53,210
But now, not so much.
[chuckles nervously]
445
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:56,146
As soon as the sun sets
and the baron is awoken,
446
00:18:56,146 --> 00:18:58,215
he is going to track
Guillermo down until he is
447
00:18:58,215 --> 00:18:59,984
very much, well...
448
00:18:59,984 --> 00:19:01,852
- Dead.
- Shut up.
449
00:19:01,852 --> 00:19:04,121
I'm sure he will be safe.
450
00:19:04,121 --> 00:19:05,889
And dead.
451
00:19:05,889 --> 00:19:08,993
- [thunder rumbles]
- [Nadja] Sunset approaches.
452
00:19:08,993 --> 00:19:12,496
Is it me, or does he look like
a shriveled-up nutsack?
453
00:19:12,496 --> 00:19:17,001
- [Nadja] Laszlo? Any ideas?
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
454
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:18,935
[clock chiming]
455
00:19:19,936 --> 00:19:21,004
[yawning]
456
00:19:23,273 --> 00:19:25,175
Oh, good evening.
457
00:19:25,175 --> 00:19:26,844
- Baron, listen. Guillermo is--
- Oh, where was I?
458
00:19:26,844 --> 00:19:29,546
Ah, yes.
About to kill Guillermo, yes.
459
00:19:29,546 --> 00:19:32,049
Baron, I... I beg mercy.
460
00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:34,952
I know that Guillermo has made
some mistakes.
461
00:19:34,952 --> 00:19:36,387
He nearly killed you twice.
462
00:19:36,387 --> 00:19:39,223
- Mm.
- And he's even massacred
463
00:19:39,223 --> 00:19:41,258
an entire theater of vampires.
464
00:19:41,258 --> 00:19:42,826
Wait, what?
465
00:19:42,826 --> 00:19:45,262
But he did so
to defend his master.
466
00:19:45,262 --> 00:19:47,531
Whatever Guillermo's
flaws may be,
467
00:19:47,531 --> 00:19:50,100
he has always been loyal to me.
468
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,269
- Has he?
- Yes, Baron.
469
00:19:52,269 --> 00:19:54,004
Mm...
470
00:19:54,004 --> 00:19:55,572
Has he, though?
471
00:19:55,572 --> 00:19:57,508
Yes, Baron, he has.
472
00:19:57,508 --> 00:19:58,976
You are certain of--
473
00:19:58,976 --> 00:20:00,944
Yes! I-I am.
474
00:20:00,944 --> 00:20:03,547
Well, I would just say
it is complicated,
475
00:20:03,547 --> 00:20:06,383
but we can discuss this further
after I kill him, yes?
476
00:20:06,383 --> 00:20:09,453
Now, where would he run?
477
00:20:09,453 --> 00:20:10,788
[groans]
478
00:20:10,788 --> 00:20:13,190
I will need Guillermo's scent.
479
00:20:13,190 --> 00:20:14,792
- [sniffing]
- [Laszlo] I say, Baron,
480
00:20:14,792 --> 00:20:16,160
if you're looking for Gizmo,
he's not here.
481
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,961
You'll find him
in the toolshed.
482
00:20:17,961 --> 00:20:19,496
That's where he goes
to hide and wank.
483
00:20:21,098 --> 00:20:22,299
Thank you.
484
00:20:22,299 --> 00:20:24,835
Why would you say that?
485
00:20:24,835 --> 00:20:26,537
Well, why delay the inevitable?
486
00:20:26,537 --> 00:20:29,340
Plus, I was sick of
hearing you lot waffle on.
487
00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:31,408
If you'll excuse me...
488
00:20:32,576 --> 00:20:34,344
[raspy roar]
489
00:20:36,113 --> 00:20:37,915
[thunder rumbles]
490
00:20:37,915 --> 00:20:39,316
[Nandor]
Guillermo!
491
00:20:40,851 --> 00:20:44,154
Well, at least he died
doing what he loved:
492
00:20:44,154 --> 00:20:46,156
beating off in the toolshed.
493
00:20:46,156 --> 00:20:49,026
Oh... [whimpers]
494
00:20:49,026 --> 00:20:51,962
Oh, no.
495
00:20:51,962 --> 00:20:53,964
Oh...
496
00:20:53,964 --> 00:20:57,534
Okay, now I'm starting
to feel a little bad.
497
00:20:57,534 --> 00:21:00,871
But on the bright side,
he-he was just a familiar.
498
00:21:00,871 --> 00:21:03,207
He was not just a familiar.
499
00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:05,142
He was my bodyguard.
500
00:21:05,142 --> 00:21:07,544
He was the best man
at my wedding.
501
00:21:07,544 --> 00:21:09,113
He was my friend.
502
00:21:09,113 --> 00:21:11,415
Okay, yes, yes.
It is all very sad.
503
00:21:11,415 --> 00:21:12,950
But I think we should now
get him in the ground
504
00:21:12,950 --> 00:21:14,451
before he starts to stink.
505
00:21:14,451 --> 00:21:18,221
Laszlo, can you come
and help carry this, please?
506
00:21:19,389 --> 00:21:21,792
- That's not Gizmo.
- What do you mean
it's not Gizmo?
507
00:21:21,792 --> 00:21:23,059
What I mean is...
508
00:21:24,061 --> 00:21:25,295
...it's not Gizmo.
509
00:21:25,295 --> 00:21:27,264
- What are you doing?
- Stand aside.
510
00:21:27,264 --> 00:21:28,866
[Nandor] Laszlo,
what are you doing?
511
00:21:28,866 --> 00:21:30,334
Laszlo, I do not think
we need to eat him.
512
00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:31,869
- [grunts]
- Ooh, yeesh!
- [Nandor] Stop that!
513
00:21:31,869 --> 00:21:33,370
Stop that!
514
00:21:33,370 --> 00:21:35,439
[Nadja and Nandor exclaim]
515
00:21:35,439 --> 00:21:36,907
[Guide] Eesh.
516
00:21:36,907 --> 00:21:38,242
[all exclaim]
517
00:21:38,242 --> 00:21:39,543
Does Gizmo have gills?
518
00:21:39,543 --> 00:21:41,111
- You mean lungs?
- [Laszlo] I mean gills.
519
00:21:41,111 --> 00:21:42,880
So he can breathe underwater.
520
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,448
And does he have
an amphibious egg sac?
521
00:21:44,448 --> 00:21:47,418
- Maybe?
- He never said. Uh...
I never asked.
522
00:21:47,418 --> 00:21:49,420
He wore a lot of layers.
523
00:21:49,420 --> 00:21:51,488
It was hard to see what was
going on under all that.
524
00:21:51,488 --> 00:21:53,991
- [Guide] Oh!
- [Nandor] Oh! Why do his eyes
look like that?
525
00:21:53,991 --> 00:21:55,359
[Lazlo] It's not Gizmo.
It's a byproduct of
526
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:58,395
my scientific experimentation
gone awry.
527
00:21:58,395 --> 00:22:00,831
So, where is
the real Guillermo, then?
528
00:22:00,831 --> 00:22:02,466
Fucked if I know.
Excuse me, my darling.
529
00:22:02,466 --> 00:22:05,069
- Hmm?
- [Baron] Ah, you know what?
530
00:22:05,069 --> 00:22:07,504
[groans] I will let him go.
531
00:22:07,504 --> 00:22:09,573
After all of that?
532
00:22:09,573 --> 00:22:12,242
I was going on and on
about all of you
533
00:22:12,242 --> 00:22:14,211
and how you've gone soft.
534
00:22:14,211 --> 00:22:16,046
Deep down...
535
00:22:17,447 --> 00:22:20,050
...it is I who have gone soft.
536
00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:21,785
- [Guide] What?
- No.
537
00:22:21,785 --> 00:22:24,922
- [Nandor] Ridiculous.
- Let us be candid here.
538
00:22:24,922 --> 00:22:28,258
I live in the suburbs of
New Jersey.
539
00:22:28,258 --> 00:22:31,028
In a two-bedroom craftsman
540
00:22:31,028 --> 00:22:33,129
with a breakfast nook.
541
00:22:34,498 --> 00:22:35,899
- Oh, hello.
- None of my neighbors
542
00:22:35,899 --> 00:22:38,102
live in fear of me.
543
00:22:38,102 --> 00:22:39,837
I have a dog.
544
00:22:39,837 --> 00:22:42,106
A hellhound, but I get it.
545
00:22:42,106 --> 00:22:43,506
[Baron]
Good boy.
546
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:46,410
[exhales]
547
00:22:46,410 --> 00:22:48,912
But what about the Sire?
548
00:22:48,912 --> 00:22:52,216
Two ancient legendary vampires.
549
00:22:52,216 --> 00:22:56,053
At this point,
we are more like roommates
550
00:22:56,053 --> 00:22:59,056
than roommates
who viciously murder humans
551
00:22:59,056 --> 00:23:00,958
together, you know?
552
00:23:00,958 --> 00:23:04,795
It can be lonely,
this American dream.
553
00:23:04,795 --> 00:23:06,130
[raspy groans]
554
00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:07,898
[Baron]
What the fuck is that?
555
00:23:07,898 --> 00:23:09,566
- [Nadja] Laszlo!
- [Laszlo] What is it now?
556
00:23:09,566 --> 00:23:11,502
Huh. Well,
that one's clearly pregnant.
557
00:23:11,502 --> 00:23:13,270
[croaks, screeches]
558
00:23:13,270 --> 00:23:15,039
[thunder rumbles]
559
00:23:15,039 --> 00:23:17,207
♪ ♪
560
00:23:17,207 --> 00:23:20,911
It's hard to believe
I'll never see Guillermo again.
561
00:23:20,911 --> 00:23:23,314
I hope he is okay out there.
562
00:23:23,314 --> 00:23:25,983
[distant thunder crashing]
563
00:23:25,983 --> 00:23:28,485
Pretty sure I told him
to dust in here.
564
00:23:28,485 --> 00:23:31,221
Fly like the wind,
my little friend.
565
00:23:33,590 --> 00:23:34,991
[grunting]
566
00:23:35,992 --> 00:23:38,228
Guillermo! You're here.
567
00:23:38,228 --> 00:23:39,530
I just figured this would be
568
00:23:39,530 --> 00:23:41,165
the last place
the Baron would look.
569
00:23:41,165 --> 00:23:42,866
- Is he still looking?
- No, no. But hang on.
570
00:23:42,866 --> 00:23:45,336
We've had one mix-up
already today.
571
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:47,971
How do I know
you are the real Guillermo?
572
00:23:47,971 --> 00:23:49,273
Master, it's me.
573
00:23:49,273 --> 00:23:51,408
What is Guillermo's last name?
574
00:23:51,408 --> 00:23:53,110
De La Cruz.
575
00:23:53,110 --> 00:23:54,812
But I doubt I'm the only one
who would know that.
576
00:23:54,812 --> 00:23:57,548
You'd be surprised, but fine.
It's a gimme.
577
00:23:57,548 --> 00:24:01,919
How does Guillermo do my hair
on formal occasions?
578
00:24:01,919 --> 00:24:05,155
- Half up, half down.
- Also known as...?
579
00:24:05,155 --> 00:24:07,424
Half down, half up?
580
00:24:07,424 --> 00:24:08,792
Ah, so close.
581
00:24:08,792 --> 00:24:11,128
I was looking for
"Saratoga split."
582
00:24:11,128 --> 00:24:13,263
- The Saratoga Split.
- [muttering]
583
00:24:13,263 --> 00:24:15,165
- I should have known that one.
- Last one.
584
00:24:15,165 --> 00:24:18,035
The first day that
Guillermo became my familiar,
585
00:24:18,035 --> 00:24:19,369
he gave me a card.
586
00:24:19,937 --> 00:24:22,139
What did that card say?
587
00:24:22,139 --> 00:24:23,873
It said...
588
00:24:25,275 --> 00:24:29,380
"To be a vampire is my dream.
589
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,215
"But to be your familiar
590
00:24:31,215 --> 00:24:32,916
"will be my honor.
591
00:24:34,384 --> 00:24:37,321
Thank you for this opportunity."
592
00:24:37,321 --> 00:24:38,856
Close enough.
593
00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:41,959
Okay, you're the real Guillermo.
Excuse me.
594
00:24:41,959 --> 00:24:43,460
I can't believe
you remember that.
595
00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:45,529
We have a long history, Guillermo.
596
00:24:45,529 --> 00:24:49,366
I imagine that I know you better
than almost anyone.
597
00:24:51,368 --> 00:24:54,571
Enough to know when you have
been keeping a little secret...
598
00:24:54,571 --> 00:24:57,474
from me? Hmm?
599
00:24:59,576 --> 00:25:02,145
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
600
00:25:04,014 --> 00:25:06,016
I... I d--
601
00:25:06,016 --> 00:25:09,520
You made a fart in my coffin,
didn't you?
602
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,255
[quietly] I made a fart
in your coffin.
603
00:25:11,255 --> 00:25:15,492
See? I know you better
than anyone. Boop.
604
00:25:15,492 --> 00:25:19,096
[Nadja] So it seems that
everything worked out?
605
00:25:19,096 --> 00:25:20,497
Kind of?
606
00:25:20,497 --> 00:25:21,999
To be honest,
I can't really keep track of
607
00:25:21,999 --> 00:25:24,168
whatever the fuck
is going on around here.
608
00:25:24,168 --> 00:25:26,370
But I did find a new home for
609
00:25:26,370 --> 00:25:28,038
these disgusting
little Guillermo toads,
610
00:25:28,038 --> 00:25:29,506
so there's that.
611
00:25:29,506 --> 00:25:31,308
As you can see, I came home
from Staten Island
612
00:25:31,308 --> 00:25:33,977
with a bit more than just
a charred-up body.
613
00:25:33,977 --> 00:25:35,879
Vampire says, "Freeze."
614
00:25:35,879 --> 00:25:38,082
This charming litter of mutants.
615
00:25:38,082 --> 00:25:39,249
Show your fangs.
616
00:25:39,249 --> 00:25:40,317
- [screeches]
- [Baron laughs]
617
00:25:40,317 --> 00:25:42,553
I did not say, "Vampire says!"
618
00:25:42,553 --> 00:25:44,088
It's given the Sire and me
619
00:25:44,088 --> 00:25:45,956
so much that we can do together.
620
00:25:45,956 --> 00:25:47,157
[laughs]
621
00:25:47,157 --> 00:25:48,792
And thanks to Guillermo,
622
00:25:48,792 --> 00:25:50,461
for the first time
in a long time...
623
00:25:50,461 --> 00:25:52,196
Hello. [growls]
624
00:25:52,196 --> 00:25:53,430
[dog barking]
625
00:25:53,430 --> 00:25:55,466
...I am terrifying again.
626
00:25:55,466 --> 00:25:57,267
[laughing]
627
00:25:57,267 --> 00:25:59,803
I suppose
with the right company,
628
00:25:59,803 --> 00:26:03,374
it can be beautiful,
this eternal existence.
629
00:26:03,374 --> 00:26:06,310
Eh. Not all of them make it.
630
00:26:06,310 --> 00:26:08,112
[flushes]
631
00:26:08,112 --> 00:26:09,446
[sighs]
632
00:26:09,446 --> 00:26:11,382
[exhales]
633
00:26:11,382 --> 00:26:14,151
I just wish you would
talk to me, Laszlo.
634
00:26:14,151 --> 00:26:16,453
Yes, yes.
Very good, thank you.
635
00:26:16,453 --> 00:26:17,788
I mean,
is it something I've done?
636
00:26:17,788 --> 00:26:19,256
Is this hex that
637
00:26:19,256 --> 00:26:21,392
I've been cursed with
that hangs all around me
638
00:26:21,392 --> 00:26:25,095
made me, in your eyes,
like an uggo or something?
639
00:26:25,095 --> 00:26:27,331
Oh, yes! That's it.
640
00:26:27,331 --> 00:26:29,800
- What's it?
- Despite the frequent interruptions,
641
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,935
I've been sat here
trying to decide
642
00:26:31,935 --> 00:26:33,404
if I should organize my books
643
00:26:33,404 --> 00:26:37,074
alphabetically by author,
or by title.
644
00:26:37,074 --> 00:26:39,243
But you've been sat here
for three weeks.
645
00:26:39,243 --> 00:26:41,378
Time well-spent, I think.
And I've decided--
646
00:26:41,378 --> 00:26:43,213
you'd be pleased to know--
author.
647
00:26:43,213 --> 00:26:44,548
First thought, best thought.
648
00:26:44,548 --> 00:26:46,450
Have I missed anything good?
649
00:26:46,450 --> 00:26:47,518
No!
650
00:26:47,518 --> 00:26:49,920
- [laughing]
- This guy.
651
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,989
♪ Baby ♪
652
00:26:51,989 --> 00:26:56,526
♪ You can get a kiss
in the morning ♪
653
00:26:57,828 --> 00:27:00,264
♪ And maybe ♪
654
00:27:00,264 --> 00:27:04,934
♪ You can get a kiss
in the night ♪
655
00:27:06,336 --> 00:27:08,439
♪ Baby ♪
656
00:27:08,439 --> 00:27:13,276
♪ You can get a kiss
in the morning ♪
657
00:27:15,245 --> 00:27:21,351
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right ♪
658
00:27:23,453 --> 00:27:29,326
♪ Maybe
you're not Mr. Right. ♪
659
00:27:30,494 --> 00:27:35,227
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