All language subtitles for Top-Gear-s14-e6_360p-English-2

Hello, everybody. Hello. Thank you.

Hello!

Hello and welcome
to a Top Gear special,

which tonight comes to you
from South America.

Yeah. The brief was simple. Each
of us would be given a pittance.

And we were told we could
buy any car we liked

from a second-hand car
website in Bolivia.

Yeah. And the only bit of advice
we got, rather worryingly,

was that it would be best if we
chose a car with four-wheel drive.

We were then told we would
be united with our cars

somewhere around here in
a place called Spidertown,

right in the middle
of the Amazon Rainforest.

These are the views that
greeted us from our helicopter.

Except they're not,

because the helicopter
booked for us had crashed.

That meant we had to
borrow these pictures

from Bruce Parry's programme...

.. and go to the start
point in a boat...

utterly bewildered by everything.

Look at that purple tree!
The butterfly's more amazing.

No, the purple tree's the best. No!The butterfly was the size of a bat.

Another crocodile over there.

It's not a crocodile,
it's a lump of wood.

Bird! Bird!

We're close to the Equator. We'revery close. Perhaps we're on it!

No, we'd see a big dotted line.

'And we weren't the only
fish out of water. '

It jumped in the boat!
It jumped in the boat!

In the boat!I've got it with my knife!

Ha-ha! Is that a piranha?

It's not a piranha,
they're long and thin.

They're not! No, they're not!They are! They're short and fat!

Oh, that's sharks.

'Eventually, the boat dumped the
three worst explorers in history

'on a bank,
in the middle of nowhere...

'and left. '

Have we just been abandoned here
to die? Whoa-whoa! What is it, what?

Are those zips?! Well,
they're outdoor trousers.

You can unzip the bottoms?! Yes!

I'm sorry, on the kit front, chaps...
James, what's all this?

This is my belt of many things.
What is that? Don't touch it.

That's a dental healthcare kit.
What's this? Don't touch it!

That is a shoe-polishing kit.

What?!

A shoe-polishing kit! Thank God for that If
we get hungry, we can eat his Kiwi boot polish!

Basically, what you've done is buy a "My First
Explorer" kit, put it on your belt... Don't touch it.

'Hammond then revealed
a little secret. '

So all these insects, where are they?

Why, are you frightened of insects?

Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Really?

Don't mess about. Seriously,
I am. It's a phobia.

It's like you and heights.

It's not you're scared of
falling off, it's a phobia.

You are scared of heights. This is the same, it's a phobia.

I just don't... What's yours? Phobia?Manual labour, you know that.

That's not a phobia,
that's bone idleness.

Rubbish! That's not a clinical
thing, that's just cos you're lazy.

'Since we didn't know what to do,
we just sat down and did nothing. '

I'm sure there's spiders in here,
there will be. Shh.

What?

Is that... Uh-oh... in harmony with nature?

Stop playing ethnic tunes. Boys...

Cars.

-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-

'Plainly, there had been
a terrible mix-up

'because one of the cars
on the raft was a little Suzuki.

'None of us would
have been that daft.

'But then we remembered...
James was with us. '

1.3 litre... 1.3 litre!.. Wine bar specials.

Famous for being able to stay
on their own four wheels...

No, no, no. Falling over.

I presume then the Land Cruiser,
by power of deduction, is yours.

Yes, it is. Correct choice,
everyone will agree.

And you have, if my eyes are not
deceiving me, a Range Rover.

The best 4x4, by far, as we know.

I had one of those. Yeah, classic. I had one as well. Yeah.

Did yours ever... work? No.

How is that raft steering itself?

There's a little boat
behind it, look.

'The driver of the little boat pushed
the raft vaguely near the bank... '

Right. Well, we can get... No,
don't do that, we need to get it...

'.. and then went home. '

Is that him just gone? Yep.

Oi! You haven't parked it!

'We tried to pull the raft nearer to
the bank but it was very difficult. '

Heave! It's not moving!

'So we gave up. '

That's it, lads.
Up the gang plank.

Ow! There's a thing there.

We are good. It's like literallybeing with Livingstone... Yeah.

.. and...

THEY LAUGH

Do you want a hand up? Help!Probably quite painful!

It was. Don't worry, I'm all right.

'Eventually, even
Indiana Clarkson was onboard

'so we could get our first look
at what we'd bought

'from the Bolivian classifieds. '

Notoriously long-lived,
sturdy, reliable, small, agile.

What does it say in the advert
in the Bolivian Auto Trader?

I'll tell you what it did show in
the picture. That it was blue.

THEY LAUGH

Did it say, in the advert, that all
four tyres would be pumped up?

No. HE LAUGHS

Oh, bloody hell. We did buy these long distance.

'The only thing saggier than
my tyre was Hammond's roof.

It wasn't always
a convertible, was it?

No, it's been converted
to a convertible.

It's been converted by someone
who is A, of Spanish descent

and B, a communist.

It's a tasty car all round.
I'm very pleased.

I like the see-through...

I like this. The window's not here,
it's here and there's no winder.

I don't need one, it's hot.

'To demonstrate what fools
the others had been,

'I showed them the beating heart
of my mighty Ranger Rover. '

Behold, gentlemen,the 3.9 litre V8 engine. Ahem.

3.9, yeah? 3.9. They had injection,
didn't they, Hammond, the 3.9?

Yes. All of them were fuel-injected.

What are those on top?

I believe they're carburettors.
They look like carburettors.

BLEEP. They ARE carburettors. They are carburettors, yeah.

That can't be a 3.9, mate,
that's a 3.5!

It said in the advert is was a 3.9!
It said mine was blue.

OK, so there's some issues.

You'll be opening
the bonnet a lot. I won't.

You will! That's what killed these
off, globally. Why does everywhere,

all over the world, anywhere difficult
and inhospitable use a Toyota Land Cruiser?

First Aztec bird we come across,

she'll make a bee-line
for me in this.

Yeah, OK.

'We could've continued arguing,
but we had to leap ashore... '

'Well, come on, then. '

'.. Because our challenge
had arrived. '

Thank you very much.

OK. It says, "You are in Bolivia.

"And you will drive to the Pacific
Ocean, which is 1,000 miles away. "

So we have to go 1,000 miles. There's a jungle in the way.

And the jungle would
just be the start of it,

because on our journey we'd have
to negotiate active volcanoes,

utterly lifeless deserts and
perilous mountain passes.

But before all that, we had
to get our cars off the raft.

Which, as you can plainly see,
would not be easy.

Clearly!

Oh, come on!

'Trying to move the raft
soon led to a problem. '

Holy moly!

I am sinking.

Yeah. It's getting deeper!Pull yourself out.

I cannot pull myself out. Every time the bubbles come out,

you go in deeper. I know!

That's brilliant! Oh, God, no.

THEY LAUGH

As I sank into the ooze,

my colleagues became
increasingly concerned.

His plums are in the Amazon, look!
THEY LAUGH

Go and get a rope or something,
just to tie around my waist.

All right, we'll get something.

'Eventually, and rather reluctantly,

'they decided to pull me out
with my Range Rover. '

Hammond! Yes!What are you bloody doing?

You want a proper knot,
don't you? No!

Just any old knot.

Will it start?

ENGINE STALLS

Oh.

ENGINE STALLS
Start!

You brought the wrong car.

ENGINE STARTS
Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Backwards!

Pull. Pull.

You coming up? Yes! Oh, yes!

Ow! Say when.

All right. Here we go. Yes.

Ow, my arm parts. Is it loose enough?

Yes. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop. So, as we can see,
my car's best.

Well, it didn't let you down there,
when it really mattered.

'Trying to move the raft
had resulted in nothing more

'than some muddy tide-marks
on my trousers. '

My jeans are ruined!

And so, with half the day gone,
we had to come up with a new plan.

You know, in the Second World War,
when a submarine was grounded?

When it had hit the bottom?

They used to get the crew to run backwards and
forwards and it would sort of shuffle it along.

Are you suggesting
we run backwards and forwards?

No, no, no! Use the cars.

If we go right
to the back of the boat,

that weighs the back down
and lifts the front up.

We then charge forward. The act of
doing that will shuffle the boat

nearer to that bank. That's a good idea!

'All we needed to do, then,
was back our cars up a bit. '

Oh, no. Hammond!Has anybody got any jump leads?

Seriously? You're joking. It won't start.

Just want to get this
completely clear again.

Range Rover - starting, working
well. Already saved a man's life.

Land Cruiser - broken down.

Oh, smoke! Smoke, smoke, quite a lot
of smoke. Something's on fire!

The starter motor's burn out.

'Despite using the
correct technique,

'Hammond couldn't
get his car going. '

It's on fire again!

And so, with the sun sinking,
I offered to help.

Why don't we simply attach it
to the back of the Range Rover

and I'll you a pull from here?

Because I'd rather drown myself,
but, yeah, it's... All right!

What's that noise?

Insects! Massive insects. Millions of them.

Just hurry up, quickly!All right, move forwards.

Mind your head!

'As the light faded, we lined up

'for the most ambitious
jump-start in history. '

And... stop.

Three, two, one, go!

Sorry! What did you do that for?!

My breaks aren't very good!
Did it work? No.

Try again!

What happened? Nothing.

And... stop.

Three, two, one, go.

Try again! That's the good thing
about Range Rovers,

they can do this all night.

Yes, yes. When this thing starts,
it'll brilliant.

'The morning light
revealed our progress. '

Sitrep... Everything we tried
in the night didn't work.

But we have found peanuts.

'Rather embarrassingly,
James then discovered something. '

These planks are longer than that one
you've been falling down constantly.

If you get in here and
grab the other end...

Are they long enough to...?
Two together will.

'Soon, we had a ramp and our first
car was ready to disembark. '

Watch the long-haired man.

Let's see his back wheels on.
Don't stand there.

Do you want us to help you?
You're all right.

You're all right this side.

You're all right.

Yes!

Oh! Four-wheel drive! It is
four-wheel drive, you half-wit.

Well, why are the front wheels
not doing anything?

Don't tell me they don't work.
Try again! Say when...

OK! It's not good!

That's stuck now.

'The whole weight of James'
three-wheel drive Suzuki

'was resting on our ramp.

'So we had to build another one. '

You're all right. Right.

Range Rover, British engineering,
don't let me down.

To the left.

Poo is coming out.

Here we go!

Now that's what I call
four-wheel drive!

Having rescued a man from the ooze,

the mighty Range Rover would now
rescue the Suzuki.

There's only an ounce to pull.

Please be gentle with this,
Jeremy, and not a yob.

Power!

Got him. Stop, stop, stop!

Yes, that's it!

What a pillock!

'I then lined up
to pull the brakeless,

'powerless Toyota down the ramp. '

We were supposed to be
averaging 100 miles a day.

So far, we've done, well,
I've done, about 20 feet.

Ready?

No. Right, he's ready. Gently.

Oh, dear God.

Go.

Ha, ha, ha!

'Finally, we were all off the raft.

'And, as a reward, the producers
gave us a box of things

'to help us survive
the perils that lay ahead. '

Chainsaw. That's good, that's useful.

What is this? I know what
that is, that's a winch.

Some rubber tubing.

Durex. Condoms? Vaseline.

Tampax... and...

Viagra. I know we're gonna
be in the jungle together,

but that's a bit extreme. What
kind of party are they planning?

'We loaded up
the Ann Summers box... '

'.. jump started Hammond's car... '

Yee-ha! Is that working?Now you're gonna see!

Go! Fire it up! Jungle!

'.. and got cracking. '

'The jungle was a worthy adversary. '

Oh!

'But, for hour after hour,
we battled our way through. '

Do you want more?

This is the marker!

Rainforest. Shit. Good job!

Guys... I left my phone down
by the river.

Oh, God.

Dipstick. I'm going
to have to go and get it.

Just wait here, I'll go get it.

Take care.

Oh! Oh, mate. Finally,
we are making progress.

Hammond! Yeah?

Did I leave it on that rock?

No, it was on the stump I tied
the raft too. Just by the rock.

OK, got it! OK.

Got it. Good. Let's move!

Now we're making progress,
let's keep up the momentum.

'Soon, we found a logging track

'where finally we could
get to know our cars. '

Time to find out what
is working on my Range Rover.

All these dials in the middle
made by Smiths - so, no.

Speedo, no.

The Range Rover was designed by
a man called Charles Spencer-King,

who was, no question, a genius.

Unfortunately, it was
then made in the Midlands,

just "that'll do".
Everything was "that'll do".

An UNBELIEVABLE piece of design,
ruined by minkies.

That said, however,

I seem to have bought the only 1980s
Range Rover in the world that works.

Given that Land Cruisers are
legendarily reliable and bulletproof,

this one isn't.

Oil pressure gauge, not working.
Temperature gauge, not working.

Fuel gauge... dunno.

Brakes not working.

That makes this one more special.

I have bought the only malfunctioning
Land Cruiser in the world.

And it is unique and therefore
probably priceless.

'Sure, my Suzuki only
had three-wheel drive,

'but I wasn't going to let that
tiny detail spoil the day. '

You're probably looking at
this Suzuki and thinking,

"It's small and comical, it's a toy
off-road, it's for hairdressers,"

And all the rest of it, but I'll
tell you what it is - it's plucky.

It's a bit like Finland in the war.

Look at Jeremy's Range Rover
lumbering along

this great, heavy beast of burden.

this is like a little mountain goat,
it just skips along. 'May?'

Talk of the devil. Hello.

Just to let you know, one of your
rear lights is hanging off,

but it's OK, I can mend it for you
with a small Phillips on my belt.

The voice there of the missing
member of Van Halen.

'Darkness fell,
but the temperature didn't. '

How can it be this hot at midnight?
How's that possible?

'Hammond, however, had more to worry
about than the heat. '

Ow! What the BLEEP is that?

There's something in here
squeaking at me, I'm... Oh, ho!

Bleurgh! Ah!

Oh! OH! What is that?!

Oh! BLEEP.

I can't stand that! I can't stand
that! I've gotta get out!

'Blashford-Hammond insisted
we made camp,

'where, to cheer him up,
I read him some bedtime stories. '

This is a book about
all the creatures

that live in the rainforest
that Mr Sting hasn't told us about.

Would you like to hear about the...

Brazilian Wandering Spider?

Not really, no.

"Causes around five human
fatalities a year...

"lives on the forest floor. "

SCREECHING

What is that?

Head torch. I'm looking for...
What's it called? Wandering Spider.

Ooh, the botfly.
Now, this is a marvellous thing.

"The botfly cannot
sting a human directly,

"but catches smaller insects,

"lays its larvae upon them
and then releases them.

"If the smaller, host insect
then bites the human,

"the botfly larvae are
impregnated into the skin.

"The larvae then pupates
inside the skin,

"at which point they EAT their
way out and fly away.

"The BBC Natural History Unit
reports the case of a man

"who was bitten behind the ear
and kept awake at night

"by the sound of the botfly larvae
eating the flesh inside his head. "

'Hammond didn't have a good night. '

What's that?

Argh! Argh!

Stick insect!

There's big things on my head!

Oh, what is that?!

There's something just flew in my
hair and it's squeaking at me!

It's big! It's really...

'And, to be honest, he didn't
have a great morning either. '

Who has done this?!

'To get away from the creepy-crawlies,
I sought refuge in my car. '

OK. Guys?

Ooh. There is a snake in your car.

He's coming up here.
He's coming up here.

It's known locally as
"the big vicious killer snake. "

Thanks.

Our raggedy convoy hit the trail
with Hammond still moaning.

Who's got my trouser-leg?

Has your trouser-leg gone missing?

'We soldiered on with the Range Rover up front,
forging a path through the dense jungle. '

Look at it - rescuing other cars,
ploughing through here.

My sweat being soaked up
by the floor!

But soon, the strain of point duty
began to show.

This is now smelling hot, this car.

I can smell Jeremy's Range Rover from back here
- it smells of imminent failure.

'I was right. '

Range Rover's just stopped working.

That honestly wasn't very funny three
series ago and it's not funny now.

I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I
haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop.

Oh, no. Oh... No.
James, it's over-heated.

What a rotten bit of luck.

Missing! Broken!

Your fault, because I have been
forging a path through this stuff.

Bamboo has gone into it and broken my
fan and now my engine's overheating.

The plucky Brit has wounded itself
helping you out.

Your plucky British car has been
defeated by... What was it? Bamboo?

How did it get in there? What kind of design is it if
a piece of bamboo can get in there and break the fan?

Bamboo?!

Without this,
would you still be on the boat?

Yes, you would. Yes. You would still
be on the river-bank.

This is the hero of the day.

We passed the time by bickering
until the engine had cooled down.

I love the V8 rumble. Nice.

It's very mighty.

ENGINE STARTS

Yes!

The mighty Spitfire is down,
but not out.

'We battled on through
the undergrowth. '

There, that's a gear.

We did that
without breaking anything.

Whoa!

'Eventually, Hammond
and May stopped. '

Sorry!

Because we had reached
a small gully.

That's pretty steep.

What?!

That's a bit of a gully, I think
they call it. I'm just going todrive down and out the other side.

No. You can't.

What is the biggest strength
with the Range Rover?

The wheel hits the bottom
before the front of the car.

If you look at a Porsche Cayenne
or your car,

there's about 18 feet of car
in front of the wheels.

This car cannot do that.
It won't make...

I'm going down. You two, stand back.

Watch and learn.

If you believe something
will happen, it will happen.

Low range. That was reverse.

Pointless handbrake off.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, brilliant.

Yeah, so you're now stuck in a whole.

Just lock the diffs. Just...

You great, dozy,
woolly-haired pillock.

It needs to be winched out. I knew that a while back.

'I fired up the winch on my Suzuki. '

James, winch me up.

Is it moving?

It's coming. It's trying hard.

Come on.

It is coming free.

Uh, guys? Oh, my God. Uh, James. It won't stop.

That didn't work.

Go on, then. Drive it out. It won't drive out. It just won't.

'Mystic Hammond was right. '

That nearly worked.

'At last, my Toyota
could regain some dignity.

'First pulling out the Suzuki
and then the idiot's Range Rover. '

Whoa! I'm hanging.

Look at my little donkey
pulling the Range Rover out.

'We realised we'd have
to build a bridge,

'which made one of us very excited. '

I am the god of hellfire.

Has he got a chainsaw?

CHAINSAW STARTS

Oh, yes!

Oh, God!

'We set about building our bridge.

'And since James had the lightest car,
Jeremy and I decided he should go first. '

I declare this ready, steady, strong.
Get in your car and drive over.

Left!

Looks like your back wheels
are beautiful, actually.

I think you're about right
from this side.

'What James really needed at this point
was clear instructions from us two. '

If anything, a little bit left.
Little bit left, James.

I'm sorry. On this side,
I would say, not left.

Left or right?

James, what I'd do
at this point is power.

Maximum power.

You're going to need to engage...
There you go. There you go.

ENGINE REVS

Now, we're talking.

'Eventually, the three-wheel drive
Suzuki made it.

'So then, as night fell,
it was Jeremy's turn,

'in the much heavier
and much wider Range Rover. '

Whoa!

Left hand down. Think of it as going
on the outer log on this side.

It's not looking goodfrom where I am. No, I imagine not.

I can't see the back wheel.

It's all right. Keep going... I think.

You're about to touch down.

Nice work! Oh.

God almighty, that was scary.

'As I lined up, it was almost
completely dark. '

Hammond, I'm afraid,
we simply can't see anything.

We don't know.

Left a bit. This is quite frightening.

Stop.

Oh, I've got no brakes!

Hang on. Hang on.

Come on.

Right, you've got the front wheels
on, mate.

Make it so. Let's see
if it can make this verge.

Lovely.

Oh, that feels good. Ha!

'We drove on through the night with the charms
of the rainforest starting to wear quite thin. '

It is extraordinary
if you think about it.

In South America, there are
no elephants, kangaroos,

lions, hyenas, honey badgers.

There's nothing interesting at all.
It's all just insects designed

to make you have a debilitating,
agonising death.

I'd love to know
how hot this engine is.

Very is what I'm thinking.

'So when we made camp that night,

'I decided to cut
some vents in the bonnet. '

Jeremy, my car's on fire.
Well, put beer on it.

There's a fire extinguisher
in the car.

You set my car on fire.
I haven't got my glasses.

Pull the bloody pin out.
You burned my Toyota!

Thank you. Yeah.

Right, day three... Four!

Uh, it clings.

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, David Lee Roth
in the morning. Here he is.

James?

What we've done... Don't do that.

What we've done is accidentally
camped on a road.

Who's this bloke on a bike?

Morning. Morning.

He's going to work
and we're camping on the A1.

Yup.

I can't remember if I took
my malaria pill this morning.

If I were a girl,
I'd be pregnant a lot.

If you're watching this in smellovision, I
apologise because the smell in here is disgusting.

It's me.

I absolutely reek!

Luckily, we then got a shower.

Well, one of us did.

Hammond? Yes. How wet
are you getting in this rain?

It's not bad, actually.

It's quite a lot wetter here.

How can the rain be heavier there
that it is over here?

That's a river.

'It was indeed a river and one that
we'd have to cross

'which meant that we'd have to use stuff from
the Ann Summers chest to waterproof our cars. '

Right. These are condoms. Do you two
need some time to yourselves?

Have you got those Tampax?Wh... What?!

What are you planning?
I'll tell you my big problem.

It's my fuel filler cap.
If water gets in there...

You're in a lot of trouble.

If I put a Tampax in there,

it will expand width-ways
and I've seen the adverts.

I'll be able to go roller-blading
with a poodle

or drive a Range Rover through
a river in the Amazon delta.

James was suspiciously skilful
with the Vaseline and the condoms.

And soon, we were ready
to enter the river.

HE HUMS

Now, do I follow in Hammond's wheel-marks
on the basis that we know how deep it is,

or do I think, "He's an incompetent
fool and go somewhere else?"

'As it turned out,
I was an incompetent fool. '

That's looking DEEP!

Oh-ho!

Please, keep going.
Little donkey, swim!

Swim, swim. There you go.

This is when, suddenly, the
Land Cruiser comes into its own.

Yeah, there's maybe more comfortable
things that will get you there,

but the Land Cruiser
will always get you home.

Meanwhile...

It's stopped!

Aah! Water's coming in to my car.

'This caused problems for James. '

You're going to have to go
round the outside.

Straight ahead there. I'll tell you
when to go right hand down.

Good. There.

Oh, God!

Cock!

Good, good. That's two. OK.

Why did I listen to you,
you imbecile!

'Rather than accept another winch from the Toyota,
the Range Rover decided to start on its own. '

ENGINE STARTS

Ha-ha!

'Thus removing the obstacle James had
been trying to avoid when he got stuck. '

As far as I can work out,
he's dragging it even deeper.

HE LAUGHS

Hoi, it's floating.

There's a lot of bubbles came out
of your petrol-filler cap.

That's air. But they've been
replaced with water.

'This whole episode
made James very angry. '

If you hadn't tried to be clever and
if your car wasn't so unreliable,

I wouldn't have had to go round the outside in
my small off-roader and I wouldn't have sunk.

Unreliable?! It stalled! It stalled!It started again.

Mine will start again.

The rainforest
is just getting worse.

I'll tell you something, if you look over
there, would you not think it's getting thinner?

'It was and soon, our battered cars
emerged from the trees.

'At last, we were out of the
spider-infested sweatbox.

'But ten minutes later, James and
Richard wished they were back in it. '

Oh, God!

Stop it!

Just answer me this simple question,
how comfortable are you two right now?

It's like a big, feather mattress.
I really am... relaxing. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus!

Have I broken James' spine? There
will be two Ted Nugents in a minute.

Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!
Stop rattling at me!

# Oh, Grace, you're getting away
with it

# Words but nothing to say with it

# Smile and take what you need

# In any way that you please

# Grace, you're getting away
with it... #

We spent the night in a town where
there were baths and bedrooms

and then we hit the road once more.

Oh, here we are.
This is cocaine country.

Kate Moss's delicatessen.

Obviously we can't drive
through this region

without registering our disgust at
the violent, reprehensible drugs trade

that brings misery
to so many millions.

May, have you seen what Hammond
has written on his car?

Yeah, I don't think he's understood
what we're trying to do here.

Hammond, are you feeling
ashamed of yourself?

There was an opportunity and I took
it. But what about the untoldmisery to millions?

"Untold misery to millions"?
Are the ratings really that good?

Ha ha ha.

As we left town, we started to climb and
that was a problem for the Range Rover.

Every time we go up any form of
gradient, for any period of time,

the engine gets very, very warm. Still
nothing's working apart from the demist.

'Soon the engine became so hot,
I had to get radical. '

The scope of my engineering genius,
literally, knows no bounds.

Because, as you can see,
the vents I cut in the bonnet

are now windows.

So I can see where I'm going,
the engine is cool. All is well.

Sooner or later, Jeremy has to admit that
the Range Rover isn't working properly.

We were only 110 miles from La Paz, but
between us and it was the Camino Del Muerte -

the death road - the most
dangerous highway in the world.

Over the years, the sheer, unguarded
drops have claimed hundreds of lives.

And to make matters worse, Captain Terrified-of-heights
didn't really have the car for the job.

James? Yes.

I don't know about the rear
suspension design on a Suzuki.

The shock absorber is traditionally attached
at both ends. That's not absorbing shocks.

It's bouncing around on the spring.

That does affect your control quite
badly - not having a shock absorber.

I'm glad you said that up here,
Hammond, on my favourite road.

Hang on, before you go. What?

I genuinely don't like heights. It's my biggest failing, among many
- I accept.

You know the, you drive into the back
of my car and it's very funny, joke?

Oh, you want me to drive into him?

I'll cut your BLEEP head off. You
will need a beep there, BBC Two.

I can understand that.

Uh, my car is perfect in every way,
apart from it not starting.

So could you, if you wouldn't mind,
push me?

So you want me to push your car with
my car, now, on this road here? Yes.

There's no alternative.

OK, here I come.

Careful, careful.

BUMPER CRUNCHES

I wasn't as careful as I could have
been. Sorry.

HE SNIGGERS

Pretty soon, we saw why the road
had earned its name.

God almighty, that is high!

That is a massive, massive drop!

This is insane.

Whoa!

The grasses stick up and you don't
necessarily see what a long way down it is,

then you get one of those gaps...

.. and you see down
and it is a long way.

There's one there.

'The dust didn't help either. '

Oh, gee. Look at that.
That's narrow.

HORN TOOTS

I don't understand the rules
on this road.

You seem to drive one minute on the
left and one minute on the right.

Sometimes the lorry stops to let you
go through. Sometimes they don't.

Some lorries pull over, others come barrelling up behind
you doing three and a half times the speed of sound.

It's completely baffling.

Thank you.

I'm coming up against the truck.
I've got to go past him

and that means going on that side.

Looking straight ahead.

Breathe.

Moments later, James slowed down
to let a mad local get past.

HORN TOOTS

Does that mean there's one of those
maniacal taxi drivers?

.. and I didn't.

Oh, God!

BUMPERS CRUNCH

Sorry, I was watching the taxi. You're now going to get macheted
to death.

I was watching the taxi! I don't
care. Did I or did I not warn you?

James is killing Jeremy,
but things are going well.

I was watching the taxi. Youweren't. I was watching the taxi.

Did your co-presenter just attack
you with a machete? Yes, he did.

He was quite cross cos I ran intohim. That doesn't happen on clothes
programmes or gardening shows.

'As we climbed higher, life in the already
battered Toyota became truly terrifying. '

That's my steering.
I'm inches from death, there.

The steering wheel
doesn't do anything.

My brakes stick when I'm going uphill
so the clutch slips.

I can't breathe
because the dust gets in.

Oh, God! That's real fear now.

Going downhill, the same brakes that
stick on going uphill, don't stop me.

Ugh!

'The Suzuki too
was showing the strain. '

BLEEP.

HE GROWLS

What is the matter? It's got dirt
in the fuel system from the river.

So it's broken? It's not broken.
Occasionally, a bit of it goes through.

Your simple, cheap car is broken.

'Sticking to the code of the Top Gear
brotherhood, I left James and Richard behind. '

It just goes to show they are badly-made
these Japanese cars. They're badly-made.

'James and I decided
to stick together. '

He's never going to go round us.
My God, he is.

That's insane.

Right. I'm in a ditch.

OK.

I didn't see this.

Whoa-ho! What a thing to miss.

Right.

'No biggie, though, because my colleague
would winch me out in a jiffy. '

Hold on. What?The winch isn't working.

I'm now all on my own on Death Road. I have
no idea where Ray Mears and Ted Nugent are.

They've just disappeared. We have
no phones. They're not on the radio.

They could be dead.

'We would, in fact, be dead quite soon, judging
by the mood of the angry, stuck locals. '

Good luck. Thank you. Handbrake off etc.

The ditch is going to level outso it'll be fine. There you go.

What a nice man.

'Soon, though, I wished I'd stayed in the ditch
because the Toyota developed yet another fault. '

Something's broken
on that back corner.

This is pretty close
to unbearable now.

Christ!

Meanwhile, very far ahead...

I'm now 5,500 feet above sea level
and still climbing.

Oh, God, crosses.

A lot of crosses there.

And then, underneath a waterfall, I learned
why there were so many crosses up here.

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, my...

Stop there!

That is going. That is going.

CREAKING
Bloody hell.

We were still miles back.

It was almost dark and, worse still, James'
alternator wasn't charging the battery.

How much is running your car with headlights
on going to shorten the life of the battery

and then kill the engine?

I don't know exactly,
but by quite a bit.

They're already getting a bit dim,
to be honest.

God, this is murder.

Pretty soon, the inevitable happened.

My car is now dead
and without a new battery.

'Since the alternator was one of
the few things working on the Toyota,

'I swapped my live battery
for James' dead one. '

I think it was good of me to donate
my battery. Yes, it was.

Yes, it was. This time, we're not
going to run with your lights off.

No, OK. We'll use the torches.

Hang on a minute.

OK, I've waited till nightfall here
at the summit of the death road.

My colleagues aren't here,
which means they must be dead.

I've therefore made them these
rather touching memorials.

With the torches fitted,

this was my view of Death Road.

Hammond, I want to say something to you
that I wouldn't say at any other time.

'What?'

Please don't leave me.

Oh, God, those words will stay with me.
I'll struggle to get over that. No, I won't.

The next morning,
we were all reunited in La Paz,

the world's highest
and worst capital city.

But as we waited for
our next instructions,

the mood was frosty.

Are you ready? No.

La Paz... I still haven't actually
forgiven you as such.

It's not like we're being all matey now and have
forgotten you abandoned us to die, just so you know.

I couldn't go back to the hotel,
eat steak, have a beer,

and go to bed feeling goodif I'd just left my mates... I had to go to bed.

Then tell your mates the steak
wasn't very good.

I thought you were dead.

I had a simple ceremony up therefor you. Then what did you do?
You went on.

I said kind words about you.

What are we doing? Come on. "BetweenLa Paz and the Pacific Ocean,

"there is the Altiplano where the altitude
will cause you to have a pulmonary oedema.

"Then there's the Andes where you'll
have a cerebral oedema.

"And then the Atacama which is
50 times drier than Death Valley.

"It has never rained.
It's the driest place on Earth

"and there is no life,
not even bacteria. "

Given that our lungs and brains
would explode in the deserts

and mountains that lay between us
and the Pacific,

we decided to modify our cars a bit.

So it was time to find a workshop
and cue the music.

# Theme to "A Team"

Have you got "Spider In Car"
for Hammond?

You can't see through the window!

Stick to hammers.

That's the precision tool board.
The hammer lives elsewhere.

The next day, we left La Paz well
prepared for the trials that lay ahead.

So, I've lifted the Land Cruiser,
obviously. Very simple.

Gives me room for the bigger, wider
tyres I need for the desert sand.

Roll cage for safety, obviously.

Then to get rid of some of
the weight, I've lost the doors

because they were very heavy, and the
roof and anything else I didn't need.

What I've done to prepare for the desert
is team a rather fetching hooded cardigan

with some old combat trousers
and some big wheels on my car.

Wow, James has been busy.

Woo, yes.

You've modified that, mate.

As you can see, what I've done with
my car is mended it.

The modifying brothers were very
pleased with their results.

Yeah! Ah!

I'm liking this. Loving this!

But after a few miles,
the smiles had gone.

Hammond, I've made my car worse.

How? It won't ride properlyand the tyres are catchingon the wheel arches.

It's got no power any more.

Oh, God.

I am having to work my engine
quite hard.

The problem is, you put bigger wheels
on, it has the effect of gearing it up.

First gear is like starting in
third... it's hard work.

The long and the short of it,
I've rather ruined it.

James has just overtaken me
in his 1 oz box.

RICHARD LAUGHS

That face is smug, I don't like it.

Because I'd made my car better,

as we climbed onto the Altiplano,

I could relax and enjoy
the backdrop.

Look at that sky.

That's one of the best skies
I've seen for a very long time.

James, does it get hotter or colder
when you're at altitude? I've forgotten.

I'm pretty sure it gets much hotter.
No, no, hang on. Colder.

There's only one way we can accurately determine
the temperature and that's by asking our colleague.

I know what you're thinking,
I'm fine.

As darkness fell, we pulled into
a petrol station.

In the shop, we found a bit more
than Kit Kats and pies.

Wait a minute. Caramelised cocaine. That's something
you don't see in every motorway service station.

Wow. You take it and thenyou talk for hours.

Let's have that.

In fact, the sweet is made from coca
leaves which are legal and used by locals

to ward off the effects
of altitude sickness.

Hammond found them very moreish.

They're nice, they're caramelised.
I've had about six.

Luckily, this had no effect at all.

.. all the camping gear, then when
you got there, this was before the M5,

there was like a high bit and a low bit and
we used to say, "Is this the high/low bit?"

And Mum and Dad would say, "Yeah". And
then we knew how far it was to Weston.

I always thought Bristol was a bit
scruffy, but actually it's quite nice...

The next morning, we woke on the
staggeringly beautiful Bolivian high plains.

We couldn't see this in the dark
but it's absolutely breathtaking.

Look at it. It's took my breathaway. There's no breath
to take away.

We're at 14,000 feet
according to the gizmo.

14,000? 14,006 feet. What's that?This measures your sats.

On Casualty, they always do this.
They put one of these on their finger,

and it's something to do with how much
oxygen there is in your red blood cells.

If it's less than 98 or 99,
you've had it.

And Tina Hobley comes. What's yours?

87. That's less. Much less.

Where's Tina Hobley, then?Just try yours.

I bet you can't go less than 87.

That's how ill I am.

89. 89? You're nearly dead.

I AM dead.

88, I'm not much better. If you wentinto a doctor's surgery in England,

with sats of 88,they'd put you in hospital. 84.

In fact, the only thing
in a dodgier state than me

were the modifications on my car.

What's happened? I've broken
my front right spring.

Completely clean. Sheared it
off both ends. You're joking?

Bloody hellfire.

So that is supposed
to be connected to that?

Yep. It's snapped clean off.

While trying to mend
the modified suspension,

there was another problem.
Your prop shaft fell off.

What? Your prop shaft just fell off.

Since there was no AA to call, it
took us all morning to get it fixed.

Ooh!

But eventually, we were off.

And apart from James driving
into a village well...

Sorry... Leave it!

.. we made good progress
toward the Chilean border.

I'm in a fantastic desert,
with my two mates.

All the cars are working,
look at that, look at that.

It's great. It's an adventure.

And soon,
we reached a big milestone.

One mile, James, and we've done it.
Bolivia.

Let's roll in as a threesome.

You look at these three, you'd never
believe they were still running!

Most scrapyards would reject them.

At the border post, we were given
the traditional welcome.

My arse!

I hope he doesn't find the tampons.
Or, rather worryingly, the Viagra.

Drugs check over, we entered Chile, where
the scenery became even more sensational.

Those are flamingos,
they actually are flamingos.

I've never seen them in the wild.
Wow.

Unfortunately, we were still
climbing.

Are you ready? 45 feet to go.

30 feet to go.

Here it comes.

5, 4, 3... We're there!

15,006 feet!

Ha! We are now higher than
the highest peak in Europe

and we're still driving.

Soon, the altitude would become
a big issue.

But the next day,
Hammond had an even bigger one.

His clutch had gone. Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

It won't come out of gear.

I'm trying to rock it
on the starter motor... Ah!

There you go.

We're away, into second,
match the road speed...

Ooh! Hey-hey! There we go.

We've just pulled over here
to wait for Hammond.

Oh! Dust!

Is that him?

It is.

It is. We're back as a three.

Hammond!

The donkey lives!Oh, yeah! It lives on.

At this point,
we had a decision to make.

We can either go that way,

which is very long,

or we can go that way,

which is short,

but does mean driving over
an active volcano.

Short.

Volcano. Short. I agree.

Short. Let's do it.

As we climbed, the air became
thinner and thinner.

15,400.

And climbing.

We are, definitely, the highest
motorists in the world.

Apart from George Michael,
obviously.

Hammond's really got to think ahead
with no clutch.

He's gotta think ahead with
a brain starved of oxygen.

What is frightening is when I need to
come to grab first to get up a steep bit.

Changing down is harder.

You have to guess how high the engine needs
to be revving and slot the gear lever in

without a clutch.

James too was having problems.

JUDDERING AND GRATING

Oh, God, chaps, my transfer
box is jammed.

But these niggles were overshadowed
by the big one.

Up at this altitude, this engine
is really struggling.

For every litre of fuel vapour
it gets through,

it needs 14 litres of air.

And there isn't any.

So, it's just like me... HE GASPS

That means it's so down on power.

'Up here, James's car
had, at best, 20 horsepower.

'And as we climbed higher,

'we started to suffer as well. '

The breathlessness now
is pretty acute.

Just talking is... hard work.

I'm starting to feel a bit...

Jeez... no... I'm feeling really

quite weird.

'The terrain levelled out so we pulled
over to catch what we could of our breath. '

Do you feel sort of drunkbut it's not pleasant? Yeah.

Exactly that. My whole head...
I've got room spin.

'It was time for drastic action. '

Cyanide? No.

Viagra.

Eh? Is this the time?

Apparently, Viagra, for reasons
unknown to science

stops you having an oedema
in your lung.

I thought it was more the trouser department it
concentrated on. That could be a side effect, yes.

Down the hatch. Here we go.

Doesn't work. Nothing's happening.
I can't swallow it.

Nothing's happening.
I need a drink.

I'm going to get a massive neck
if I don't get some of that.

Apparently... that will
save our lives.

THEY LAUGH
Oh, God.

I've just taken Viagra!

On top of the Andes. CHUCKLING

'Sadly, it didn't seem to have
any effect at all. '

I'm getting a headache
and I'm feeling sick.

Come on, come on.

'The big question now was this -

'which would give out first,
the cars or the men?'

Come on. Come on!

Come on.

Every gear change
is so critical now.

I get tense about it,
that raises my heart.

And then I need oxygen
all the more.

Still there, Hammond? Yeah,
I'm still here. I have to go slow

because I daren't risk changing up
to third. I won't make it.

'OK, mate, we'll slow down. '

We're a team up here.
Cos this isn't funny.

God, Jeremy's talking
about being a team.

Must be the altitude.

'At 16,700 feet,

'the Toyota broke down again. '

ENGINE STALLS

'I think my transfer box
has just gone. '

'James and I stop to help.

'And then we couldn't get going
again. '

The engines just aren't getting
any air.

At all.

There's just no... er...

James can't get his started.

I can't get mine started.

I haven't got any air to work.

Once we get the Range Rover going,
that's the most likely to start,

we can geteverything started. Right. Can wemove it? Three, two, heave!

And go!THEY STRAIN

'Pushing a Range Rover at this
altitude damn near killed us,

'but eventually the big beast fired
and once again,

'the most unreliable car in the
world got the others going as well. '

Oh, yeah.

Bloody hell.

My lips are now tingling.

I get the feeling something's gotta
give soon.

Jesus Christ, my head!

'At 17,200 feet,
we pulled over - again. '

PANTING

Hammond? Yeah.

Even if... the cars could get over that
and I seriously doubt that, I can't.

Just pushing on's just stupid.

Seriously, I'm calling it a day. I think you could be right.

'We really were in trouble. So, we
turned round and headed back down.

'Fast. '

16 two. Still feeling weird.

HE COUGHS

Breathing's better.

With every foot...

the engine's gonna run smoother.

My body's gonna run smoother.

'We then went the long way round
and finally, drunk on oxygen,

'we made it to the other side
of the Andes. '

DEEP BREATHING

THEY INHALE NOISILY
Air!

It's so... so underrated. It's thick.

It's like breathing soup.

You can bite off pieces of it
and chew it.

It's like lung nectar.

There is just one small thing
that's occurred to me, chaps.

What?

Where the hell are we?

We were in the Atacama Desert

where there is no life at all.

Not even on a cellular level.

Richard Hammond was the smallest
living organism for miles.

There was nothing here at all.

Except for one road.

Oh, yes.

The Pan-American Highway.

Running is smooth.

The view is spectacular.

Temperature is low.

'But the mad dash down the mountain
had been too much once again

'for the modifications
on Hammond's Toyota. '

Better stop. Oh, God.

Didn't sound good.

You heard something? Oh, yeah!

Oh, dear.

I think, James, we can safely say
that what's happened there

is my prop-shaft has fallen off.

'And the prop-shaft
was only half of it. '

BLEEP.

What's broken? Diff.

It's shattered?Absolutely exploded.

Good God. I'm surprised
that didn't somersault the car.

I've just heard on the radio that
Richard Hammond's Land Cruiser

is in serious trouble.

HE SPUTTERS

'Happily, the Top Gear orang-utan
elected not to stop and help.

'As a result, James and I quickly
got the Toyota working again. '

We reconfigured it,
it's now running.

Front wheel drive only
so it's now just its front legs

dragging itself along,
still working.

'We were now tantalisingly close to
the Pacific Ocean, the finish line. '

There can be no doubt this has been
our toughest assignment ever.

No question about that.
It's nearly killed us,

it's nearly killed our cars.

'It is incredible to think
that these cheap cars

'bought unseen on the Internet
had crossed the Amazon rainforest.

'They'd scaled the most dangerous
road in the world.

'They'd still been working when their
drivers had broken down in the Andes.

'We didn't just respect them.
We loved them. '

I have a teddy bear, I've had it
since I was born.

One of its arms has fallen off,
one of its eyes is missing,

its head's come off more times
than I can mention.

To you it would be worthless junk.

But to me, it means everything,

and it's the same story
with this car.

Yeah, the ride's terrible, it's a
bit noisy, doesn't handle that well,

and I'm always worried it's going
to fall over,

but it's done everything the big boys
have done, hasn't got stuck any more often,

and the only time it's really gone
wrong is due to its dunking in the river.

I think the plucky little car's
done all right.

From the very start of the trip when I couldn't
start it on the raft, I thought, "Oh, no. "

But I didn't know it then,
I didn't know how determined it was.

This thing is like
that Black Knight

in that Monty Python sketch

where they're fighting with swords
and he gets his arm cut off.

"No, no, 'tis but a scratch!"
It's a great little car.

'As our exhausted convoy drew nearer
to the coast,

'weirdly, the road
started to climb again. '

40 miles to go and we've got
to drop 2,300 feet to sea level.

It must start going downhill
in a minute!

'But it didn't.

'The punishing climb continued. '

I can smell... I can smell...

a boiling engine.

Is the drop at the other end just sheer,
because we're nearly at the Pacific now?

And we're 4,000 feet up.

'Soon, though, we turned off the Pan-America
and headed through the dunes to the finish line,

'where, unfortunately, there was
one more obstacle in the way.

'A big one. '

Hang on a minute.

Whoa, wait.

Look how bloody steep it is. God above.

I can see now
why they said four wheel drive.

Er, I've only got three wheel drive. I've only got two.

What if you dig in?If you dug in and started to roll,

the chances of you being alive
at the bottom... are nil.

'We therefore decided to get some
practice on a smaller dune first. '

Are we ready, chaps?

Ready. Ready? Yeah.

Three!

Two! 'Hold on, hold on. '

Give me strength.
Give me strength.

What?

Just before we do this,
I wanted to say... Oh, shit.

No! Oh, my BLEEP!

My donkey!

His wheel's come off.

Aw!

'Donkey was dead.

'And in some ways, I was relieved.

'Because it meant I no longer
had to drive down that dune. '

This is utterly, utterly,
utterly stupid.

I wouldn't do this in
a brand-new Range Rover.

James, are you ready?

Yeah, I'll be going for
second gear, Jezza.

Second gear, low range, and I've got
my diff locks in. Have you?

I haven't got diff locks. 'Good luck, boys. '

Three... two... one. Go!

Oh, my God.

I don't know... Oh, Christ, I don't
know where the wheels are pointing.

I don't think so.

It's going sideways.

Whoa. Whoo oh oh!

Don't you dare go sideways again.

'The soft sand was a nightmare
and the gradient meant pretty soon

'we were fighting to keep control. '

Get in a straight line,
you metal BLEEP.

Come on!

Come on. Oh, it's going
a bit fast now.

I'm in a 900-year-old utterly
ruined Range Rover.

Argh! Argh!

Levelling out. It's levelling out.

It's levelling out.

Argh! We're down!

We're down!

Yeah!

'Once again, we had shown what the car,
even when it's an old croc, is capable of.

'Well, two of us had.

'But when we finally regrouped
by the water's edge,

'Hammond still believed
he'd chosen wisely. '

Are you going to try and argue...?It's extraordinarily good.
It's led a very hard life.

It died a noble death,
I think valiant.

I think rubbish. It has been a
constant source of problems and delays.

It was old and arthritic and had been beaten
every day of its life, sick old donkey.

These two were old and arthritic
but they are here,

and the Land Cruiser is 2,800 feet
above us up there.

Forever. Can I just make
the case for the Suzuki

cos I know what you're thinking?
Plucky little car.

Helped you out a few times. I agree.
Technically, never really broke down. Well...

It didn't survive very well
in the puddle.

But I'd like to say
most importantly...

Mm-hm... the ride is rotten.

Yes. And because of that,

because it's almost
ruined your spine,

and because yours isn't here,

we have a startling conclusion
to the show.

It turns out that the most
unreliable car in the world...

is the most reliable car
in the world.

Yeah. It's fair enough.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Range Rover.

Not what I'd ever expected it...
Nobody expected that.

Come on, we can be proud of that.
Proud to be British...

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