All language subtitles for How to with John Wilson.S03E01.eng

Hey, New York.

The relationship that you have with
your toilet is unlike any other object

in your home.

Much like a romantic partner,

it's the one thing in your life
that's always there for you.

You've shared countless
intimate moments together

and you're familiar
with all it's beautiful curves.

It's a reason to come home

and something to buy nice things
for when you go away.

And you can't imagine it
with anyone else.

Even though it may have had
many partners before you.

But when you leave the house,

you're ripped out
of your comfort zone,

and you have to use
whatever toilets are available.

You usually start by asking
a local business,

but none of them want to let you in.

- Bathroom?
- No.

And just when you start to consider
taking desperate measures

to relieve your pain,

you start walking over
the Queensboro bridge

and notice a porta-potty balancing
on some two by fours

over the guard rail.

So you scale the bridge to see
if it's open.

And even though you eventually
found a place to go,

you wish that it didn't take
so much effort.

You know that the city
is full of toilets,

but they're always slightly out
of reach when you need one.

But maybe if you did a little research,

you could finally crack the code
and hack into the restroom matrix,

and getting into any restroom
in the city will finally become easy.

So instead of worrying about
drinking too much water,

or getting too far from home,

take a seat, friend,

and I'll show you the best way
to find a public restroom.

The city actually
has a ton of public restrooms

that were open around the turn
of the century.

You used to be able to go into
any park or subway station

and use a bathroom
whenever you wanted.

But then in the 1970s,
most of them started to close,

for budgetary reasons,

and the problem has only
gotten worse since then.

There's about 8 million residents
in New York.

And another 60 million tourists
that come annually.

But there's only around

1 000 public restrooms
to accommodate everyone.

And only two of them are open 24/7.

There are somehow
no public restrooms in Times Square.

Or Rockefeller Center.

And the Upper East Side is actually

one of the biggest
public restroom deserts of all.

But maybe the city
isn't opening more restrooms

because our sewer system
is already overwhelmed.

So you take a visit
to the waste treatment facility

to see if they
can actually handle more.

Here we can oversee basically
everything going on in the plant.

Is the scum pit like a technical term?

No, we have a couple scum pits.

What's special tool number one?

That was a tool I developed
yesterday to do a specific task.

So what kinda material
comes out of this hole?

Wrappers, plastic bottles,
cardboard boxes.

And is this stuff that goes into
the sewer too?

Yeah, anything that hits
the sewer comes here.

What about like, cat feces,
can you flush that?

Kitty litter, no.

Could our sewage system like support
more public restrooms if we built them?

Without a doubt.

What would happen if all of the sewage
facilities were to stop operating

in New York City?

We would have sewage backing up
into people's homes, restaurants,

essentially everything
would probably collapse.

Were you just at a baby shower?

No, that was just left on my desk today
from somebody

that didn't leave their name on there,

so I have to find out who
dropped it off.

- Could we see what's in it?
- Sure!

It is a nice little outfit!

That's beautiful!

My granddaughter is going to be
so happy when she wears this.

Oh my goodness, it must be
a Star Wars person.

Little Yoda.

Because there aren't many
public toilets open anymore,

a lot of places have temporary solutions
that sometimes stay up for years.

The handful of bathrooms that
are still open are in pitiful shape.

The city usually takes the doors off
the stalls to discourage people

from doing bad stuff in there.

So you might need to bring a blanket
with you

to give yourself a little privacy
in the bathroom.

There's usually also
not any toilet paper.

Because it seems like the city
has other uses for it.

There's one public restroom in Brighton
Beach that's actually really nice.

And that's because the people that
work there take really good care of it,

and decorate it with stuff.

So is this like the Christmas
tree stuff and the popcorn?

I changed it to, I can't pronounce it,
the Jewish-Purim.

I went from that, then I went
to the next holiday to Purim.

A lot of Jewish people
that come in here.

I got Maya Angelou. See?

Here's my doggy! Happy New Year
please don't drink & drive.

I added Pray.

Maybe three years ago
a lady came from Manhattan.

She was gonna go jump off
the Verrazano bridge.

But then she read one of these signs,
and she just started hysterical crying.

So you saved a woman
from potential suicide?

Yes.

What would it take for other New York
restrooms to look like this?

Well, first of all, I'm not supposed
to brag, but we use our own funds,

our own money, everything in here,
we use our money.

Everything in here,
we use our own money.

- Yes, honey?
- Can you order a cab for me?

Okay.

The city's only effort to solve
the restroom problem was in 2008,

when they installed
5 self-cleaning restrooms

to service all 5 boroughs.

It costs 25 cents to get in

and there's a 15 minute time limit.

You're curious how it cleans its-self,

and you realize the floor
is actually a button.

And if you sit on the sink,

you can trick the bathroom
into thinking that you're gone.

Because there aren't
many public options,

most bathroom activity
just ends up happening outside.

So many people urinate
on certain areas of New York

that every morning the shop owners
will cover the sidewalk in bleach

in order to eliminate the odor.

They also started screwing down
the toilet lids

in the showroom at Ikea
to prevent people from using them.

But as you were checking them out,

the only one that wasn't secure
was actually filled with pee.

You could smell it.

And every few blocks in New York,
you'll usually see one of these bottles.

Which are typically filled with urine,

from someone who couldn't find
a bathroom in time.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Good.

Do you have a second?

It's harder for the people
in the daytime to use the bathroom,

so they use a bottle,

and I see the bottles of piss
all over the floor sometimes.

Everyone has different ways
of holding it in

when they can't find a bathroom.

But if you have enough money,

you actually might not need
to worry about that.

So, there is a condition
that I dubbed Hamptons Bladder,

which is a condition based on the idea

that a drive from New York City
to the Hamptons

takes anywhere from 3-6 hours.

Injecting the bladder with botox
relaxes the muscle of your bladder.

That should be able to get you out
to the Hamptons

without you having to stop.

How has Hamptons Bladder
affected your life?

I've lost a couple of friends just
by having difficulty finding bathrooms.

Like they died?

No, not that they died.
They wanted me to find

a bathroom where none existed.

The interesting thing is Peter
the Great in Russia actually died

of urinary retention in his 50s,

back in the 16th century
or whenever that happened.

Did you guys know that?

I wasn't aware of it, no.

According to the official city website,

they actually recommend going into
private businesses to relieve yourself.

But you often need to buy something.

So, you can always just get a receipt
from the trash outside

with the bathroom code on it.

And just go in afterwards,
like a normal customer.

You went to go visit
Hudson Yards recently,

which is a new development
on the west side of Manhattan.

You really had to pee, but when
you asked where the restroom was,

it turns out you have to walk through
a mall filled with security guards

in tuxedos,
then up an escalator,

and down a long hallway,
and another hallway.

And then right before you collapse
in front of Muji,

the bathrooms should be on your left.

And when you're finally done in there,

you can go check out
their new attraction,

which is a shiny staircase to nowhere
that you have to pay to climb.

But it was actually closed

because they couldn't stop people
from killing themselves on it.

It seems like you're also not allowed
to film this thing,

so you might be approached
by the cops after a while.

I'm done, I'm gonna walk away,
you'll never see me again.

We need to know who you are.

I'm not gonna give you my ID.
There's no reason for that.

Next time you do this you
can be arrested for trespassing.

I completely understand.

This place was already inhospitable
enough and I'll never return.

Great. Have a great day.

It's getting harder to tell in New York
where public spaces end

and private spaces begin.

Businesses often have weird rules
that try to keep certain people out.

And you can't always tell
if you're doing something wrong.

Can you call the police please?

This is a private space, and
we don't know what you're filming.

You're not telling us
what you're filming.

- I'm just trying to find a bathroom.
- Can you just go?

Okay, I'll go.

Maybe one day, the only public place
left will be the sidewalk.

But who knows for how long.

There's one neighborhood
in New York called The Hole.

That you usually pass
on the way to get to JFK.

It's actually below sea level,

so it's not connected
to the city's sewage system.

So a lot of the sewage
just ends up in the street.

This water here, if it touch you,
you could get cooties.

This is cootie water.
Right there, the shit come out.

That's where it comes out?

Yeah, right there,
filthy fucking sewage water.

I'm not polluting this mother fucker
with no shit water.

I'm living in that grid there, and
when I want to use the bathroom,

I've got to use the bathroom inside
of my place,

wrap up my stuff,
and carry it one block away.

Look, see?

And every Thursday the guy come
with a truck, and they pick them up.

I've been in this neighborhood
eight years,

but I've been living on the side
of the road here for three years now.

You got bed, you got TV,
everything.

What are you watching here?

I'm watching Ice Road Truckers.

- What is all this stuff on your bed?
- That's some condoms!

The girl gave me those. She gave me
a whole bag of condoms.

I don't use them though
cause I ain't got no girlfriend now.

That's a lot of condoms.

She gave me
like a thousand condoms.

People living off the grid,
it's much harder to live off the grid.

Big time. You know that.

But it's like a preparation in case
the place is in a disarray.

I will be the one who gonna have
to help the people

who don't know about
this type of living.

And you know what
they're talking about now, right?

What if New York were to go
through a nuclear explosion,

and I was just sayin' to myself...

You living outside already.

If we were to decide to hook up
our trailers to our trucks

and head for the hills,
we would live!

We would make it!

But you take somebody from
one of those buildings up there,

they wouldn't survive.
They don't know how to survive.

Water, light, gas.

You know, those essentials are like
the basic things that you need

to survive. But you take
those three things away?

They wouldn't know what to do.

There would be total disarray.

It makes you very resourceful
living off the grid.

Recently, these strange Ghostbusters
themed posters started to pop up

all over New York,

telling residents to prepare for
something bad that's about to happen.

And around the same time,
the city released a weird PSA,

asking you to prepare for some
other unspecified disaster.

So, there's been a nuclear attack.

Don't ask me how or why,
just know that the big one has hit.

What do we do?

If the big one were to come,
you would be totally vulnerable,

and wouldn't have anything
you need to survive.

You'd only have enough blue cheese
for about a day and a half.

You'd have to make
your own milk somehow.

But when you walk outside,
you don't really see

any immediate signs of Armageddon.

But you go to the store
and buy a pocket knife

and a gallon of water just in case.

And then, at the worst possible time,
your toilet breaks.

So you call the plumber, and he says
there's something really dense

causing the blockage.

You said you didn't have the faintest
idea what it could be. No idea.

They said they would need a few days
to get into the walls

and replace something.

So until it's fixed, you're just gonna
have to become more resourceful

and find bathrooms in places
you hadn't considered before.

Very nice.
How long has this been on the market?

About a week.

Shit.

What are you guys doing?
Is this a party bus?

Yeah. Kind of looks like it,
we're getting ready for the show.

So where's the show?

Forrest Hills, New York.
We're going to see Odesza,

some of these guys 6th time,
so it's gonna be a good time.

Can I come?

How much longer until we...
20 minutes? Okay.

How old are you turning?

I'm turning 28!

Really? That's a good year.

We are 3 minutes away!

Are we here?

Alright, have fun at the concert, guys.

It was definitely taking
a lot more effort this way.

Looking for a bathroom opened doors
you may have never entered before.

Lou Reed was here once.

And of course in the center,
you'll find an altar

with, sorry to disappoint,
no bloodstains.

- And this is the men's room?
- It's just a men's room.

Finding the rarest bathroom
became an exciting pursuit.

And you became determined to see
how far you can take it.

You have to have water,
and then you have to have a pump.

So, where are you going with this?

- I'm going to Burning Man.
- Cool.

Can I come?

I mean...

Do people try to sneak into
Burning Man?

Of course.
People try to sneak into RVs.

It's really difficult these days

cause they're kind of on
to the whole experience.

But like, you can run in.

What's the bathroom situation
like in there?

There is a plethora of porta-potties.

Like you can find a bathroom
everywhere, so that's nice.

Awesome.

She said it was a place
that encouraged free expression.

A society of people
who give each other gifts.

And build big sculptures everywhere.

Are you waiting for ice?

Yeah. She's making the bags for me.

You actually did manage
to get a last minute ticket.

And spent an entire week filming there.

It was the hardest thing
you've ever done.

And you were really proud
of what you shot.

But you were eventually told that
you couldn't use any of the footage

because another documentary
crew negotiated for exclusive rights

to film that year.

It turns out some of the film crew were
actually former NXIVM members

who made that TV show "The Vow".

You sat in the hotel room
for two days trying to negotiate,

but they still refused to let you
use what you shot.

You were crushed.

It was the most creatively
constipated you've ever felt.

You resented the whole Burning Man
organization for being such hypocrites.

So you finally just threw in the towel
and gave up.

You didn't want your trip out west
to be a net loss,

so you set up an interview
on the way back

with someone you thought might
be good for the episode.

I'm Steve Savage, otherwise known
as Stinky Steve,

and I'm in the septic business
here in central West Texas.

How's business here?

I mean I've got some repeat
customers, just south of Abilene,

that were a lot of the subdivisions
are kind of being built.

- There's a dog in your bathroom.
- Yeah, that's Lola. Lola!

Do you have a septic tank here?

At this house? I do not,
but I do at the silo.

- At the silo?
- Yeah, the silo has a septic.

I don't have it functioning yet
as far as that goes

because I don't have
the pump installed yet in the silo,

to pump the sewage to the deal,

but I don't even have the bathroom
hooked up in there yet.

What's the silo?

The missile silo.

So this part right here,
like where that missile is,

that structure that's underground
is where I'm building my house,

where my future residence
to live in that.

And so that actually has
a septic tank on the property.

Right here is the entry to an Atlas F
missile silo, the launch control center.

It was designed as a retaliation
weapon, like an insurance policy,

against the Soviet Union
to kinda prevent world war three.

We are probably about 150
to 160 foot above the bottom of this.

So I could fall 18 stories down there?

And hang onto that rail, just make sure
you're always holding onto something.

If you fall down, there's no way
of getting you out of there.

This is gonna be the master bedroom
with the master bath right there.

So somewhere a bed will end up
in here,

but in the meantime
I had that air mattress.

You got MREs here.

I did that for shits and grins.
You're gonna love this.

- This is my fun room.
- What?

This is where they launched
the missile from!

And right now it's just kind
of a temporary game room.

There was a point where I was
out here working on it so much,

trying to get it all done, that it put
a bit of a strain on the marriage,

it caused some conflict.

We were split up
for about six months.

So you were living down here
for six months by yourself?

Yeah, about six months, yeah.

These guys are with HBO. They're
making a little, short documentary.

I'm gonna be on HBO!
And now you might be.

So, I don't know, with the silo,
I mean sometimes I wonder

if we will move out there,
I just don't know.

We did hit a rough patch,
me and Steve,

we did hit a rough patch this past
year, but we are working on it.

So some of the things we're working on
is him spending more time with us

and he's not pushing us
to go out there so much.

Cause it's pretty quiet down there.

You don't really know
what's going on with the weather.

- You can hear thunder.
- That's the one thing I will miss.

If we do move in there is just
not being able to hear the rain,

just look out and see if it snowed,

the one time of year that it snows
here, or what it looks like outside.

You just put cameras out there.

Seems like even if you are prepared
for a disaster,

the reality of your new environment
would take some getting used to.

And if the big one were to come,

it's unclear who else
would still be around.

You asked if there were
any other places like this,

and he told you about
another bunker he knew about.

It was underneath a hotel
near Washington DC,

that was built as a secure place
for Congress

in the event of a nuclear attack.

The Cameo Ballroom is where
you would find large parties,

wonderful dances, balls,
beautiful crystal chandelier.

Brad Paisley was here this summer.

Alfonso Ribeiro was here a couple
summers ago with his family.

So during the Cold War,
in case of a nuclear disaster,

this is where our House and Senate
would have relocated

to continue doing their job.

How heavy is this door?

This door is actually 18 tons.

So this is the start
of the decontamination process.

They're going to have
to take everything off,

and everything would be
immediately incinerated.

This was a dormitory,
with 60 to 65 beds.

And there would also be riot gear.

The riot gear was to protect the people
in here from each other?

From each other.

So they had to make sure
that they survived

and that our government would
continue running our country.

Like, is there any kind of world
that you would not want to reenter,

like, if there were such a fallout?

Well, if we have complete devastation
and there's no vegetation,

there's no animals left, I don't want
to be a part of that world

to try to figure out
how to sustain life.

So, yes, I would not want
to be here in that situation.

This is the briefing room.

And this is where our representatives
would have addressed

their constituents from.

And then that would be
the background for the broadcast?

Correct. If you have a photo
of devastation and destruction,

you're going to be scared.
You're going to want to flee.

And this is going to help
calm everyone down.

Wouldn't it just be like an illusion
that the White House was intact?

It would, but it would be an illusion
that we would need.

Us having this would really calm
everyone down and say,

"Hey, just hold on a minute,
we can get through this,"

"they're trying to find a solution
for us."

So this is the bathroom congress
would have used?

Yes! Help yourself.

So it's good to know that if
anything really bad does happen,

everything will still be able
to run the same way.

And even if these old relics
don't function

the way they should anymore,

at least they provide us with images
that make us hopeful

that things will get better tomorrow.

And if you can't film at Burning Man,

you can always just make do
with what you have at home.

Because if all our public spaces are
eventually gonna become private,

then we should all get used
to seeing our private stuff in public.

This is John Wilson,
thanks for watching.