All language subtitles for tsn43

(PLATEN KNOB CLICKS)

- Chee-hooo!

(FRENETIC MUSIC)

- Oof!
- Oof!

(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)

- (LAUGHS EVILLY)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)

- (BELCHES)

- Shame.

- (WAGGLES TONGUE)

- All right.

- Yeeee!

- Aaargh!

- Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)

- (GASPS)

- Yee-ow!

- Say 'cheese'.
- (SIGHS) Cheese.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKS)

(BELL DINGS)

- Kia ora koutou,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

My name's Jeremy Wells,
and at high school,

I was voted least likely
to become the Taskmaster.

So to the class of 1994,

I say this ―

the joke's on you,
because Iamthe Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

A few months ago,
I hand-selected an elite team

of New Zealand's most
bloodthirsty comedians

and forced them to complete a series
of off-kilter tasks for my pleasure.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Risking life and limb is our
magnificent Season Four cast.

Bubbah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Dai Henwood!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Karen O'Leary!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Mel Bracewell!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And Ray O'Leary!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

By my side, as always,
is a man I couldn't do without ―

unless he asks me for a pay rise,
in which case,

I'll just sack him
and hire someone else.

It's Paul Williams!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks, Jerem―
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh. Sorry.

Uh, sorry, this is unprofessional,
but I'm receiving a phone call.

Hi, Alex.
- MEL: What?

- Hey, Paul.
- Huh?

- What's up?
- You told me to call you.

You said― You said it was urgent.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was just wondering
if you wanted to go and see
a movie tonight.

- I'd love to, Paul,
but I'm gonna say the same
thing as I said yesterday ―

you live in New Zealand,
and I live in London.

- Well, that's OK. I'll―
I'll ask you again tomorrow.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. But I will still be in London.
- OK.

Sounds good. Bye.

Cool.

Might be going to
the movies tomorrow.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, Paul. What's the prize task?
- Tonight,

our contestants have brought
in the thing they most wish

they could take on an aeroplane.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- Whoever wins the episode
will take home all five things.

- Mel, what doyouwish that
you could take on an aeroplane?

- What's the worst
part about flying?

- The cramped space or the food.
- OK.

This will solve neither
of those problems.
(LAUGHTER)

For me, it's when you land

and you've gotta, you know,
awkwardly stand up and get
your stuff and get out, you know,

and then go through customs ―
all that hubbub.

And so I've brought
something that avoids

all of that end-of-flight admin ―

a parachute.
(LAUGHTER)

This is sort of a more
fun way to disembark.

But unfortunately,
under the current system,

which I think is quite flawed,
you're not allowed to.

(LAUGHTER)

- Bubbah, what did you bring in?

- Anyone can get Mary Jane
onto a plane. Um...

(LAUGHTER)
...and you're allowed to take one
lighter and two packs of smokes,

and I thought...

I'd take this if I could.

(LAUGHTER)

You can attach it to
any plastic bottle ―

so 1.5 litres, 2.25 ―

um, and then you just fill
a little bit of water.

Have youse never done this before?
(LAUGHTER)

- Ray, what would you bring?

- Jeremy, what's the worst thing
about air travel?

- Not being able to smoke pot.

- Wrong. Um,

it's that you can't take on 8kg, uh,

of shampoo.

(LAUGHTER)
- DAI: Here's a tip for you, Ray.

If you can get something for $20
or less in less than 20 minutes,

don't pack it.

- Oh, I spent $140 on this.
(LAUGHTER)

- Karen.

- Jeremy, what are some things
that are really annoying about
air travel?

- Not being able to
take 8kg of shampoo?

- No. Remember your first answer?
- The space.

- Yeah. Because what you really want
to be able to take on a plane is
a really good long sleep, right?

So that's just
a 'danger, keep out' tape.

And then you wanna do this
with the tape.

(LAUGHTER)
Um, and then once
the plane's taken off,

you just remove the tape ―
or leave it there ―

and just slide under it
and have a good sleep.

Genius.

- What did you bring in, Dai?
- A couple of bad eggs always
ruin something, right?

And I'm someone who― I like to go
on a site where you can buy a lot
of things for cheap,

and I buy something
so I have a little present

that arrives every day.
(TITTERING)

That involves a lot of parcel admin.

So bad eggs have ruined this for me.

I would like to take
onto a plane this ―

(LAUGHTER)

a box cutter.

I would love to have this on a plane

so I can open it up and go,
'Oh, look! Here's my jaw toner,'

which I use to get
a really buff jaw.
- Oh, no, you don't.

- So, you put it― It's a rubber ball
you put in your mouth

and go...
(TITTERING)

- It's working.

- So that's what I'd love to take on
a plane, but I always get told no.

- I think that you get told no
because you've got a knife and
a ball gag.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK. This has been
disappointing from you lot.

And let this serve as a warning.
- OK.

- I'm giving away no fives.

I'm giving away no fours.

I'm giving away no threes.
(ALL GASP)

I will give away two twos ―

to you, Ray...

- Oh my goodness.
- ...because at least
you're not allowed to

take your thing on the plane...
- Right.

- ...and you as well, Dai.
- KAREN: Oh.

- The rest of you can get ones.

- I'm warned. I'm not a bad egg.

I'll take that on board.
I'll take that on board.

- Enough of that nonsense
jibber-jabber.

Let's get down to our first task.

- Ding, dong!

Please make your way through
security and proceed to your
departure gate.

I've booked everyone a one-way
ticket to Taskville.

(MISCHIEVOUS JAZZ MUSIC)

Hello, Dai.

- Paul. It's great to see you.

- Hello, Bubbah.
- Hello.

- Oh my gosh. It's my passport.

I've been looking for that
everywhere.

Oh, it'syourpassport.
- Mm-hm.

- You look quite―
sort of moody in that.

- L-M... (PROLONGED BLEEP)

(LAUGHTER)

...Allan Jones William.

- 'Leave New Zealand.'

- 'Best leaving New Zealand wins.'

- 'You have 30 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- How am I supposed to do that?

- Paul, can you Google where
the nearest embassy is, please?

- The Consulate of Austria
is 22 minutes' drive.

- Do we go to
the Consulate of Austria?

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- (LAUGHS)

- So, which of these cowards is
going to abandon our beautiful
country first, Paul?

- You hate to see him go,
but you love to watch him leave ―

it's Ray O'Leary.

(MILITARY MUSIC)

- This is a message
to the New Zealand Government.

I, Ray O'Leary, and Paul Williams

are seceding from New Zealand

and establishing my own country,

called the Democratic
Ray-public of Ray.

- I didn't say I was
leaving New Zealand.
- No, you did.

You did. You agreed to it
when you put on the hat.

Let's take 'em around.

(UPBEAT, WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(COUGHS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

It's a beautiful island

filled with water
that I'm told is not stagnant,

and Paul Williams is the Army.

So if you're mad at me for seceding,

you're gonna have to
get through him first.

Paul, give him 'em your war cry.

To scare off
the New Zealand Government.

- Hello?
- No, no, no.

Paul and I are gonna be living
out here on the land,

eating highly processed
peanut butter.

Paul, get your hands out.

We got plenty of good
reasons for leaving.

One is I got an overdue book

and I don't really care
to return it. OK?

So you're not getting that,
Grey Lynn Library. Nice try.

Also, meth is legal here.

- What if I wanna see my family?
- Um, they can immigrate here.

- But what if I try and leave?
- No, that's strictly
prohibited. I'm sorry.

- What are we gonna eat when
we run out of peanut butter?

- I'm― I'm hoping the meth
will tide us over.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- You happy with that?

- I feel like it might not
hold up in court.

- In the court of Taskmaster?
- Oh, no, then all good.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, call me naive,
but it looked a lot like you and Paul

were just sort of wandering
around the Taskmaster property

with stupid hats on.

- Yeah, Iwouldcall you
naive for thinking that.

Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. We've got more comedians
on low-budget OEs coming up,

but first, it's time for you
to take a trip of your own ―
to the land of ads.

We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where we're watching the brain drain
unfold in real time.

What's happening, Paul?

- Our contestants are
attempting to leave New Zealand,

but here's the catch ―

they only have half an hour, and
none of them have their passports.

Up next ― she never has
to check her luggage ―

it's Carry-On Leary.
(LAUGHTER)

- You know, the only other thing
I could do is...

denounce my love of New Zealand.

So then I'm, like, leav―
New Zealand is kind of leavingme

and I'm leaving New Zealand.

- So, what are you doing here?
- I'm just turning New Zealand
into Australia,

cos this is my new home.

WHISPERS: We'll just pretend
that's my passport.

I've come to the Department
of Internal Affairs

to officially denounce
that I no longer wish to be

a New Zealand citizen.

This country is not for me,

and this is where
I'm gonna be going.

And I'd just like to share
with you the anthem.

# Advance,

# Australia

# fair. #

I'm finished.
- You're finished?

- I'm over.
I'm finished with New Zealand.

- Can you show us your tattoo?
- Yeah. Check it out.

- From this side,
it looks like Batman.

- That's cos Australia's cool
like Batman.

- Batman's the coolest.
- Yeah, like Australia.

- You don't mean that.
- I do mean that.

- WHISPERS: New Zealanders
are gonna see this.

- It's about time they...
found out the truth.

- And what's the truth?
- Australia's...

b-better than New Zealand.

- AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

- I've gotta go.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That genuinely looked
like it caused you pain.

- No.
(LAUGHTER)

Doubt it, copper.

- What was that tattoo of?

- New Zealand. But I got it
when I was only about 18,

and the guy was really drunk,
and the South Island's

in the wrong place.
(LAUGHTER)

- Whose escape attempt
are we gonna see next, Paul?

- She's no stranger
to leaving New Zealand ―

in fact, it was pretty hard to
get her back from Australia to
film this task ―

it's Mel Bracewell.

- I feel like I'm gonna
have to dig a hole.

- So you're gonna dig down
out of New Zealand?

- I'm gonna dig down,
and then I'm gonna emerge...

What's the polar opposite
to New Zealand?

- I think it's kind of Spain.

- I'm gonna emerge in Spain.

(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC)

Oh, wow. This hole's amazing, Paul.

I can see Spain on the other side.

Hello!

- Well, I hope you have a good trip,
and I'll see you when you get back.

- Thanks.

Here goes nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

Oh!

Whoa!

I think I made it. Is this Spain?

If only there was some way
of knowing that this is Spain.

- Ay, caramba.

- I did it.
- Hola, Melanie.

Uh, Bienvenido... a Espana.

- Great. I did it.

That was so easy.

I might just go back
to New Zealand now.

Nice to meet you.

- Adios.

(APPLAUSE)

- Now, you actually looked quite good
there for someone who had just passed

through the Earth's molten core.
(LAUGHTER)

- I know. I genuinely didn't
think I could do it, but...

I did go to the Ray-public of Ray

and had a lot of meth, so...
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. Who have we got next
in the chamber, Paul?

- Saying 'buh-bahy' to New Zealand ―

it's Bubbah.
(TITTERING)

- This is a story about me
and my friend.

We've just robbed ANZ.

We're on our way to the airport.

Vrrrrrrr.

And we go out
to the airport, get in,

try to get into the Koru Lounge,

but the Air New Zealand flight
attendant won't let us in

because her job defines her;

she's got nothing better to do.

And so we bribe her

with fifties and twenties.

We get in ― with the briefcase.

We ascend into the air,

leaving New Zealand...

behind.

And now we're over the waters.

Here's the tricky part.

We've gotta make
a clean break for it.

(GRUNTS)

So we parachute down,

and a shark awaits us.

We ride through the waters.

He takes us through.

Our secret compartment

underneath the waterfall opens up.

We jump into
that really cool elevator

that you see in movies,

and we're on our way to Mexico.

- So Mexico's in the drawer?
- In the underwater compartment.

- Oh.

Thank you, Bubbah.
- Thank you.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Yay-yuh.

- So, when you were in the plane,
at what point did you decide that
it's best to abandon the plane

and then jump down into the water
and get onto a shark?

- No trail. They're not gonna
find a shark.

- So a shark...
- Yup.

- ...would be the best way
to get to― Was it Mexico?

Was that where you were going,
that was under the waterfall?
- Yup.

Under the waterfall.
But it's sort of, like, secret.

I can't release
too much information.

(LAUGHTER)

- Have we got any more left?
- This guy can fly
like a hen would ―

it's Dai Henwood.
(LAUGHTER)

(SERENE MUSIC)

(STREAM TRICKLES, BIRDS TWITTER)

- Welcome, Paul.

This is gonna be quite a trip.

You're gonna leave New Zealand.

You're gonna leave...

the husk that is the human realm.

Take a seat.

Can you hear the water?

- Mm-hm.

- Focus on your breath...

and I'll see you at the point

beyond space and time.

- So I don't get lost,
where is that?

- You will know when you're there.
- OK.

- And I'll be right beside you.

(LAUGHTER)
- Whoa. This is crazy.

- ECHOING: # Is it you or is it me?

# Lately, I've been lost, it seems.

# I think a change is what I need.

(DUCKS QUACK)
- ECHOING: Whoa.

- # If you're looking for a dream...

- This is out of it.

# Shortland Street.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Dai, you're telling me
that the place on the other
side of space and time

is the well-known New Zealand
medical soap opera

Shortland Street?
(LAUGHTER)

- So, the reason why that actually
popped into my mind is

the first time I did meditation,
I was 12 years old,

and our teacher, she started
with the breathe-in, breathe-out;

then she just started doing...

it was either the lyrics
to Shortland Street

or the lyrics to Home and Away.

So whenever I'm doing meditation,
that's what runs through my brain.

And I fell asleep
in that meditation,

and then I woke up
cos Tennille was yelling,

'Dai's got a stiffy!'
(LAUGHTER)

- What I wanna know is why does it
require wearing a teal dress...

(LAUGHTER)
...to get to this place?

- Well, that's cos when you're in
the astral realm, there is no...

gender, there is no politics,
there is no race.

Everyone is just a teal dress.

(TITTERING)

- How would you like to score it?

- Well, nobody really
left New Zealand, did they?

Karen didn't even leave the room.
(LAUGHTER)

So one point for Karen.
- Yes!

- Two points for Bubbah ― cos you
didn't leave the room, but at least

you involved some art department.
- But I had a story!

- I know. That's why
you get two points.

Mel and Ray ―

four points each.

I thought it was good, honest
attempts, actually,

but let down by Paul's acting.
(TITTERING)

And I think... Dai, you know,
I'm ahugefan of Shortland Street,

so I give you five points for that.
- Oh, thank you very much.

I'll take that. Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, I s'pose we should probably
look at the scores for tonight.

- Karen's on two,

which is the minimum she could have.
(LAUGHTER)

Out in first, with seven points ―
Dai Henwood.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I am absolutely fiending
for another task.

Can you help me out, Paul?
- I'm gonna play this task

in three, two, one...

now.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hello, Bubbah.
- Hello, Paul.

- Hello, Dai.
- Lovely to see you.

Look at this.

- Got your old tape players out.
- Mm-hm.

- Different, um, fish...

and a pencil.

I think this stuff
is before my time.

- Let's just get into it.

- 'Follow the instructions
on the tape in the tape player.'

- So, wait ― which one's
the tape player?

- This one.
- OK, all right.

(CLICK!)

(TAPE HISSES SOFTLY)

- PAUL OVER TAPE:

- Fastest what wins?

- The next tape you play will be

the blue mackerel tape.

- Um, which one of these

is a blue mackerel?

(APPLAUSE)
- GROANS: Oh...

- KAREN: Why is that―?
- Oh...

- It's really funny, because as soon
as that tape started to play,

it looked like all of you had PTSD.
(LAUGHTER)

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Which puzzle enthusiast was going
to piece this one together first?

- She was born 13 years
after CDs were invented ―

it's Mel Bracewell.

ON TAPE: Play the blue mackerel tape

in three, two...

- (GASPS) Argh! Argh!
- ...one...

now.
- Oh no!

Oh my God, there's a fish
identification thing on the shed.

- AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

- Hello, my friend.

Mackerel.

- PAUL ON TAPE:

The next tape you play

will be the kahawai tape.

- This one said 'the';

that one said 'fastest wins'...

- TAPE:

The next tape you play

will be the hoki tape.

- Hoki is this guy!

- TAPE:

The next tape you play
will be the pipi tape.

(TAPE HISSES SOFTLY)

- Snapper?

Is there something
wrong with this one?
- No.

- 'Snap when'.

- TAPE:

- Pencil!

Rewinding all these bastards.

OK, let's go.
- TAPES: Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

Now.

PAUL ON CD:

- '...when you entered the room.'

The pencil?

Snap the pencil!

(SNAP!)

Oh!

That's confusing that it's one
called the snapper!

- Sorry.

- Bye, Paul.
- Thank you, Mel.

- See you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That seems really, really simple ―
'Snap the pencil.'

- You did edit out
about five breakdowns,

but... (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)

I did OK, but it was very stressful.

- So, Mel completed the task
in 20 minutes and 25 seconds.

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP)
- We don't know if that's good.

(LAUGHTER)

- Now a puzzle for you at home ―

can you figure out the secret message
that we've hidden in these ads?

See if you can find out.
We'll see you after the break.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the only show on television
where the prize is 8kg of shampoo

anda craft knife.
(TITTERING)

Where did we get up to, Paul?

- We're currently watching comedians
attempt to snap a pencil.

The only thing standing
in their way ―

they have no idea that that's
what they're supposed to be doing.

(LAUGHTER)
- JEREMY: Who's up next?

- Up next, it's Bubbah and Karen.

ON TAPE: Play the blue mackerel tape

in three, two...
- What does a blue mackerel

look like?
- ...one.

- I'll play this one.

- TAPE:

- CHUCKLES: Yeah, well, so― So?

- The 1800s are here. Uh...
- PAUL: Wait― Wait, don't force it.

ON TAPE: The next tape you play

will be the hoki tape.

- MUTTERS: Feel like
I should know this,

but I don't.
- TAPE: Play now.

- I think maybe I'll just keep
playing all of the tapes.

- You wanna do that?

(CLICK!)

- GUY MONTGOMERY ON TAPE:
# Well, he's the festive little fox,

# and he's quite unorthodox.

# Everyone got what they need ―

# for the fox, a glass of mead.
- # ...glass of mead.

- Is this yours?

- I think some of my music might
have got mixed in with the tapes.

- So that's the wrong tape?
- Possibly.

ON TAPE: Snap.
- Snap.

- LAUGHS: I hate you so much.

- GUY WILLIAMS ON TAPE:
# ...ready for some fun? #

- PAUL ON TAPE: No one asked you
to play this tap―
- Yeah, OK, fine.

- JOSH THOMSON ON TAPE:
# It's the sushi train.

# Everybody, get on board.

# Sushi train.
- # ...train.

- # Salmon and avocado.

# Sushi train. #

- What is that?
- It's the sushi train.

Get on board.

- ON TAPE: You.

The.

- Hey, Paul?
- Mm-hm?

- Is this supposed to be, like,

making me think of something?

- 'Snap when'― And it said 'pencil'.

Is it 'snap when pencil's entered'?

- I'm just gonna grab my cup of tea.
- OK.

- So, 'Snap when pencil...'

- TAPE: Pencil.

(SNAP!)

TAPE: Started.
(SNAP!)

I've stopped the clock.

- Oh my God! (LAUGHS)

That's it, eh?
- Mm-hm.

- That was infuriating, Paul,

but I still had a lovely time.

Thank you.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Did you really have
a lovely time, Karen?

- It was incredibly frustrating,
but I think it was lucky to have

those really joyous musical
interludes Paul had made.

- Yeah. So where did Karen get to
in terms of her time?

- Karen ― 22 minutes, 57.
- OK, cool.

And now, Bubbah, I was concerned
for you, because at one point,

you didn't look like you knew
how to use a cassette player.

You were really shoving
that thing in there.

- Yeah, I like it rough.
(LAUGHTER)

- How did Bubbah go, in the end,
with the time?

- 17 minutes, 51.
- Oh!

- DAI: Yeah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Yay-yuh.
- That's fine.

- Who's up next?

- Give a Dai a fish,
you'll feed him for a day;

dive a Dai 10 cassette tapes
with pictures of fish on them...

I dunno. Let's find out.
(TITTERING)

- GUY MONTGOMERY ON TAPE:
# ...ready for some fun?

# And it's all

# about Libya. #

- JOSH THOMSON: # Sushi train.

# Everybody get on board. #

- PAUL ON TAPE: No one asked you
to play this tape.

This is the scallop.
- This is the scallop.

- This is the scallop.

- # It's the sushi train.

- # No one asked you
to play this tape.
- # Everybody get on board.

# Sushi train. #
- This is the scallop.

- I actually quite like just
doin' things how I do them.

I should have got on to
this vibe earlier.

- PAUL ON TAPE: Room.

- Did you just hear that?
- Mm-hm.

- Said 'rune'.

- Room.
- ROLLING R: Rune.

- TAPE: Time.

- Time.

'Rune time'?

- GUY MONTGOMERY ON TAPE:
# Well, he's the festive little fox,

# and he's quite unorthodox,

# but he's giving out the presents

# for this year.

- 'Rune time'.

- All the information you need

is in the task.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Nailed it.
- (LAUGHS)

I just...

- So Dai never snapped the pencil?
- He did not.

Would you like to snap a pencil?

- MEL: Aw.
- Yeah― Oh, look, hey― So...

Please tell me the timer's
still running.

- It is.
- Yeah.

- I don't feel in as
much of a hurry now.
(LAUGHTER)

So...
(SNAP!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I did it.

- So what's Dai's time, in the end?
- 91 days, 17 hours

and 34 minutes...
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

...and 12 seconds.
(CHEERING)

- So, who's snapping ―
or not snapping ― next?

- He's from Whanganui,
where cassette tapes are
very much still a thing ―

(LAUGHTER)
it's Ray O'Leary.

ON TAPE: The next tape you play

will be the kahawai tape.

- I wanna say kahawai's, like,
a big red fish.

- OK.
- Oh, here we go.

(CLICK!)
- GUY MONTGOMERY ON TAPE:
# ...ready for some fun?

# And it's all about Libya.
- # ...about Libya. #

Do you want me to hear this?

- Well, I-I like the song.
- # It's a country

# in our hear― #
(CLICK! MUSIC STOPS)

- We surely don't wanna hear that.

- PAUL ON TAPE:
Play the red gurnard tape.

- But I've played this one.

You don't want me to play
this one again, do you?

- You can if you want.

- Wh―?
- SECOND TAPE: Room.

- Wh-What did he just say?
- FIRST TAPE: Your.

- He just said 'your'.
- THIRD TAPE: Time.

- Whoa.

OK, I don't know
what's going on there.

- FIRST TAPE: Your.
- Oh― Shh! Shh, shh, shh.

- FOURTH TAPE: Snap.
- 'Snap'.

Snap? Snap-per?

What did this one say?
Where's the hoki tape gone?

Oh no.

(TAPE SQUEAKS)
(YELPS)

Did I rewind it too much? Is it―?
- FIFTH TAPE: Room.

- Oh. 'Room'?

- Do you like cassette tapes?

- I'm finding them quite frustrating
right now, actually, Paul.

Oh, wait, are we― Am I going
around in circles now?

(LAUGHTER)

- SIXTH TAPE: Pipi tape.

- Didn't I play the pipi tape?

The pipi tape was over here,
wasn't it?

(TAPE WHIRRS)
Oh, do I let it play again? Oh...

CHUCKLES: I have to wait

for it to rewind.

I'll also just play tapes

at random as well.

This is unlabelled.

I think that was the big red guy.

- SEVENTH TAPE: No one asked you
to play this tape.

- (SIGHS) Goddammit.

(RAPID CLICKING)

That doesn't sound good.
Have I rewound it all the wrong way?

- My guess would be yes.

- (SIGHS)

Sor― Sorry, Paul. I just need to
take a moment to collect myself.

Is there something in here?
- That's the tape player.

- Is there like a CD or something?
- Yeah.

- There's a CD in here?
- Yeah.

- Play.
- PAUL ON CD: Snap... the...

pencil.

Fastest...
(CLATTER!)

...wins.

Your...

- (CHUCKLES, SIGHS)

- ...time...

(SNAP!)
...started...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So the task was on a CD

the whole time.
- Yeah.

- That is a lesson, again,
to all of you.

Sadly, we have filmed
all of the tasks now, so...
(LAUGHTER)

...none of you can learn that lesson.

You looked like a shell of a man
by the time you'd finished that.

- Please don't say 'shell' ―
it was on one of the tapes.
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

- What were the scores,
and then how did Ray come in?

- So, Ray ― 34 minutes, 54.
- OK.

- So that would mean one point
for Dai, two points for Ray,

three for Karen, four for Mel,
and five points for Bubbah!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Excellent.

- Right. Well,
that is two tasks down.

Don't suppose we've got time
for another one, Paul?

- I just checked my watch,
and it's task o'clock.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Hello, Bubbah.
- Hello, Paul.

- Do I have to look for a task?

- Oh, you're giving it to me?

(LAUGHTER)

- 'Find an intimate obje―' No.

- '...an anima― inan― inanimate...'

'...an ananim― ana―' It's very hard
to say, isn't it, that word?

- 'Find an inanimate object...'

- '...and put it on the table.
You have three minutes.'

GASPS: Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- Why are you wearing a sheet?
- EERILY: I'm nooooot.

- You know that I'm an expert
in this kind of stuff, eh?

- Oooooh!

- 'Make a one-minute horror film...'

- '...starring your
inanimate object.'

- 'Scariest movie wins.'

- 'You have an hour'?!

- 'Your time starts now.'

- GHOST PAUL: What objects
have you chosen?

- This beautiful... bird.

- Are you familiar with a telescope?
- Mm-hm.

- This is two of them put together.

- BUBBAH: Is the rock haunted?
- The actor?

- No.Thisrock.
- Oh.

- I'm glad I've got a character.

- Do we have, like,
a bunch of raw meat?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Let's watch some
scary movies, shall we?

I'm looking forward to this.
- Up first,

it's Ray O'Scary.
(LAUGHTER)

- Wow.

What a beautiful spot
for a teenage summer camp.

- Yeah. I love being a teenager.

- But I hear that this is a habitat
for endangered flamingos,

and they can get very territorial.

(SINISTER CROAK, ALL GASP)

(SQUAWKING, TOY GUN FIRES)

(SCREAMS)
- Me arm!

- Aaaaargh!
(CHAIN WHOOSHES)

(CHOKES)

(SCHLING!)
- Oh...

- Noooo! No!

This is for my beautiful
girlfriend, Paella.

(SCHLING!)

(HIGH-PITCHED SQUAWK)

(SPLATTERING)

(LAUGHTER)

'Nyeh-heh-heh!
That's not the end of me!

'Nyeh-heh-he-heh!

'I'll be back to commit
flamingo-related crimes.'

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- It's very good. That's very good.

So, your girlfriend in that scary
film was called...?

- Paella.
(LAUGHTER)

- Interesting choice.

- Beautiful name.
- Yeah.

- A beautiful side dish.

A-A beautiful sidepiece.
(LAUGHTER)

- She's from Spain. She came back

through the hole that Mel dug.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

- OK, it's time for the scariest
short films of all,

which are called commercials,
followed by another lot of films.

We'll see you soon.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's lovely to have you with us.

Where are we up to, Paul?

- We're watching our contestants
create horror films

using inanimate objects found
around the Taskmaster ranch.

So far, we've watched Ray O'Leary's
umbrella murder me twice.

- Love to see another one.

- From the twisted minds
of Lynette and Rick Bracewell ―

it's Melanie Bracewell!
(LAUGHTER)

- I love antique shops.

Mr Shopkeeper, I'm renovating
my kitchen, and I need
the perfect decoration.

What's that?

That's perfect.
- Oh.

Are you sure you want that one?
- I want that.

- Your funeral.

(PUFFS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh my gosh. How much?

- It's free. But trust me ―

there's a price.

- That doesn't really make sense,
but... thank you. That's all I need.

- God have mercy on her soul.

- I've got the perfect spot for it ―
right there.

Oh! Amazing.

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(MENACING GROWL)

(SPITS)

(LAUGHTER)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(MENACING GROWL)

Argh!
(LOW, EVIL LAUGHTER)

(SNARLING)
Oh!

Argh! Argh!
(SNARLING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)
(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK)

Eat shit!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(BIRD TWITTERS)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Not to take anything
away from you, Mel...
- Yeah.

- ...but you gotta say that's the
best acting that we've seen from Paul

in four seasons.
- It was good stuff, Paul.

I really― I felt like
we were connecting.
- Yeah.

- I've never seen someone blow
a gorilla for so long.

(LAUGHTER)

- I can't believe that the gorilla
statue survived being gently pushed
down into the couch.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you wanna chuck on
another one, Paul?

- Sure thing, Jeremy.

It's Dai Henwood.

It's a great day to come
to the big game park.

- I think that's a lion.
I just can't quite see.

You might need theeeeese!

Thank you very much, Mustafa.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SCHLING!)

- (CHOKES)

- Hmm. (CHORTLES)
- (CHOKES)

- What happened?

It must be something he ate.

It's a travesty!

Let me just have a look if I can see
this lion before I tend to him.

It's so majestic.

(SCHLING!)
(SCREAMS)

My God! My eyeeeees!

(CHOKES, GURGLES)

Tell my children...

to file... my GST.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Mustafa is a terrifying character.

What's his origin story?
- Well, Mustafa,

he started out as just a nice
gentleman who ran a, sort of,
big game ranch,

but then he got enamoured
by the binoculars,

because he would use them
to kill people;

then he would take
the humans to the chef

and they would― he, the chef, would
make the humans up as the next meal.

- So I've sort of missed that part
in the story for some reason.
(LAUGHTER)

- That was subtext.

- I'm not sure how many of these
I can take. They are so spooky.

Who have we got next, Paul?
- It's cult 1970s horror provocateur

Karen O'Scary.

No relation to Ray O'Scary.
(LAUGHTER)

- Paul, this is just such
a nice day. What a lovely picnic.

- I'm having a lovely picnic.

- Would you like a piece
of lovely cake?

- Yes, please.
I'd love a piece of cake.
- Sure.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Here you go.
- Thank you for the cake.

- Any time.

- It's getting kinda late,

and it's getting really shadowy.

I think we should go.

- Oh, let's just stay
a little bit longer.

I mean, I'm having
a really nice time.

What's the worst that can happen?

- I guess you're right.
- Mm.

(MENACING SCREECH)
- BOTH: Black swan!

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(SWAN SCREECHES)

Get away! Get away! Shoo! Shoo!

(SWAN SQUAWKS)

SCREAMS: Nooooooo!

Oh my God, it's pecked
your eyes out.

Get away, swan! Get away! (SOBS)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH)

(DARK MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I mean, the sexual chemistry
that is going on between you and Paul

in this series...
- CHUCKLES: Oh, yeah.

I didn't― Yeah, I didn't m― Yes. No.
(LAUGHTER)

- Have you kissed Paul
on this show yet?

- Not on this episode.
I haven't kissed him at all.

- Why don't you give Paul a kiss―?
- No, thank you.

(TITTERING)
I've got a delightful partner

who's getting a little bit cross.
(LAUGHTER)

I love you, Eilish.

- OK. We must have one left, Paul.

- Here's Bubbah.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

- Oh, this place rocks!

Race you to our new
living room, cutie!

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

- Hmm. That's weird.

That's this address.

- 'Devil rock'?

Stay away from those rocks, then.

(OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Hi, honey.

(LEAF BLOWER WHINES)

(LAUGHTER)

(LEAF BLOWER STOPS)
- (GASPS)

(CLUNK!)

(LAUGHTER)

(SCREAMS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- Nice work out there.

Are you OK?

You look tired.

- Just stoned.

(LAUGHTER)

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC SWELLS DRAMATICALLY)

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was very good.
That was genuinely suspenseful.

- I forgot that I turned
into the rock.

I was pretty surprised.
(LAUGHTER)

(BLEEP), I'm good. I'm so good.

- That was really good.
- (LAUGHS)

- That was fantastic.

In fact, they were all good.

Whilst Dai's film had
some disturbing characters,

I felt the binoculars
were the least scary item,

so I'll give you two points, Dai.
- Fair enough.

- Karen, your killer swan

and Ray's story
were fantastic stories,

so I'll give you guys
three each. Well done.

Four points for you, Bubbah.
Great acting performance.

And Mel, I thought your effort

was worthy of cinema release.
- LAUGHS: Oh. Thank you.

- That was impressive.
Five points for you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

All right. Now, if you need a change
of undies after those scary movies,

now is your chance.
More Taskmaster after this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's nice to have you with us.

We're about to attempt a live task,
but first, let's see how the scores
for this episode are stacking up.

Paul?
- Out in first, with 14 points ―

Mel Bracewell!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thrilling, thrilling stuff.

Right, let's get on to this
live task, shall we?

Everyone, take to the stage!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Ray O'Leary, will you
please read this task?

- Uh, yes.
(ENVELOPE RUSTLES)

'Standing behind your plinth,

'place as many table tennis balls
onto your helmet plate as possible.

'If at any point the green lights

'behind you turn on...
(DING!)

'...you must place your hands
on your hips.

'The last person to have
their hands on their hips

'must perform an adequate bow
to the Taskmaster.

'You have two minutes.

'Most table tennis balls
on their plate wins.

'Your time starts
on Paul's whistle.'

- Jeremy, are you ready?
- I'm ready, Paul.

- On my whistle.

(WHISTLE TRILLS SHARPLY)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(DING!)

Mel. Bow.

That's not adequate.

Bow your head, please, Mel.

Bow your head― Just― A normal bow!
- Oh my G―! OK.

- Continue, please.

(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DING!)
- BUBBAH: Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

- Bubbah.
- Yup.

- Bow.
- (LAUGHS)

- Bow, please.
- Do I have any on my head?

- None.

- Oh.
- Just do a normal bow.

- Oh, f― (LAUGHS)
- Continue.

(DING!)

- Oh, f― (LAUGHS)

I hate it here!
- Ray, bow.

One of your hands is on your head.
- Oh, yeah―? Oh, yeah, that's right.

- No, hands― Ray,
hands down, please.

- Like this.
- Bow.

(LAUGHTER)
- Properly.

- Continue.

Quite far.
- BUBBAH: Can I do that?

(WHOOPING)

- Eight seconds.
- KAREN: We don't care.

(LAUGHTER)
Hey!

You―
(WHISTLE TRILLS)

- LAUGHS: Oh!
- Stop!

- (WHIMPERS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Stop.

- OK, everyone! Come on back down,

and let's see what that means
for the points.

Come on down!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

All right, let's find out
how we went in that live task.

What are the scores?
- So, Karen had two,

Ray had seven,

Mel had 13,

Dai had 15,

and Bubbah had 41.
- Wow.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK.

- So one point for Karen,
two for Ray, three for Mel,

four for Dai and five for Bubbah.
- Yay.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Yay!

(LAUGHS)

- So, who's taking it all
home tonight?

- Jeremy, we have our first
tie of the season ―

both on 17 points,

it's Bubbah and Mel!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So tonight's tie-breaker, Jeremy ―

the contestants were asked to
pour exactly one cup of coffee
into a cup.

Closest to one cup wins.
They had 30 seconds.

- OK. Well, let's take a look.

- In this cup?
- PAUL: Yes, please.

- Oh, I don't have enough time.

- You've got 15 seconds.

- Inthiscup?
- Yes.

- I can't see.

Oh, G...

- One, two, three...

(FRENETIC MUSIC)

(COFFEE DRIBBLES)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(APPLAUSE)
- I think you went too hard out.

- I think so.

- So, Bubbah ― 672ml,

or 2.68 cups.

Mel ―

187,

or 0.74 cups.
(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks. Thanks, guys.
- JEREMY: Congratulations, Mel ―

you're the winner of Episode Three.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You are now the proud owner

of Dai Henwood's box cutter...
(LAUGHTER)

...and a backpack
full of loose shampoo.

Please celebrate accordingly
on the stage.

Off you go!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Another episode of Taskmaster
New Zealand in the can.

What did we learn this time? Well,

we learned that Spain is
only a few seconds away

if you dig the right hole.
(TITTERING)

And most importantly, we learnt
that Mel Bracewell is the winner
of Episode Three.

Congratulations!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for watching.

Ka kite, everybody ―
we'll see you next time!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
- This is foul.

That's dreadful.

I will take that, though.
- (LAUGHS)

(FRENETIC THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

(SHRIEKS)

- (BLOWS NOTE)

- (SPLUTTERS)

- Argh!
- Ohhh!

- Oh!

- I feel like, Karen,
you underestimated

the size of Paul's mouth.
It just kept―

They just kept going and going.
He wasn't even getting big cheeks.

(YELLING CONTINUES)

- (GASPS) Oh...

- PANTS: I can taste blood.