All language subtitles for Big.City.Greens.S02E17.WEB-DL.DSNP

[rhythmic whistling]

♪ One, two... one, two, three, four ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

[chicken clucks]

Here we go, family.
Last order of the day.

A big box of fresh veggies
for Gwendolyn Zapp at Big Tech.

I can't believe that you'd
still deliver to her

after her farmbot attacked us.

[Bill] You got to learn
to let things go, Ma.

Especially when we need the business.

Wait right here.

I'll be back in just a sec.

Okey-dokey, see you soon--

Hold up!
We're coming in with you.

Yeah, I want to explore
and touch things

with my grimy little hands.

Not this time. For some reason,
wherever we go,

our family leaves a trail
of chaos and destruction.

Hm.

And that's why you're staying
in the truck.

[hums]

-[both] Harumph!
-Is that true?

Are we really that prone
to chaos?

I'm sure Papa's exaggerating,
right, guys?

Oh. They're gone.

Gramma? Cricket?

Welcome, inquiring mind,
to Big Tech,

where the impossible is possible,

and the possible
is extra possible.

Gramma? Cricket?

[Gwendolyn] Good evening,
Big Tech employees.

You all know me,
Gwendolyn Zapp.

Your intrepid leader
and loveable leader.

I wanted to share with you
my latest, greatest idea:

Flawless You.

With our new self-improvement technology,

you and your loved ones can finally become
the best versions of themselves.

No more flaws,
no more chaos in your lives.

We're moving into
the beta testing phase,

-where we will--
-[Bill screams]

-[car alarm blaring]
-Somebody help!

I tripped and fell
into a sleep pod!

-Papa?
-[sleep pod] Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

What is--? Oh, my!

-Hey, look what I found.
-Oh, my goodness.

I love my new huge body.

Whoa!

Oh, no! Our main supply line
to the free cereal bar!

I gots it.
I gots the golden egg.

I took it from a room
full of geese,

but it's all mine now.

Cricket, no.

I am so sorry,
Miss Gwendolyn.

It seems my family can't help
but cause hijinks

everywhere we go.

Although it usually
doesn't happen this quickly.

Hopefully you're not too mad.

Oh, I'm a little mad.

But like, crazy mad,
not angry mad.

This is actually great.

Your family is a perfect fit
to be beta testers

for Flawless You.

With a little software upgrade,

your family wouldn't just be
less destructive,

they could be flawless.

Flawless?

Ooh. Well, a life of peace
and harmony could be quite nice.

What do y'all think?

It'll be cool to get
experimented on.

That's how you get superpowers.

[grunts]

I'm willing to give it a try.

If it's half as cool
as this mech suit,

then I'm in.

That settles it.
Let's get started.

What is this machine, Gwendolyn?

This is the Flawless You
supercomputer.

If you feel a little tingle,
that's just your consciousness

being sucked
right out of your body.

[laughs] Here we go!

Whoa, check out the new duds.

Ooh, this suit hugs my body
in all the right places.

Ma, please don't.

Welcome, Greens,
to the Flawless You cyberspace.

I've uploaded
your personalities

here into the digital realm.

That way, we can break them
down into code

and pinpoint the bugs,

a.k.a., the flaws.

And then, zap!

I shoot them,
and they're gone.

You'll come out flawless.

Any questions?

Does the gun have to be so big?

-No.
-May I use the gun?

No. Any questions?

No? Good.

What's the first step?

Well, I like to start
by working from a new file.

Always back up your brain,
that's what I like to say.

After that, we'll erase
your family's flaws

and then walk them out
that download door,

which will allow them
to re-enter their bodies

and make the fixes...

skiddly-boop-bop
de-boo!

-...permanent!
-Wow.

[Gwendolyn] Now, we'll just
select your family...

-What the...?
-...and make a copy.

[all scream]

[both]
Wow, this is nuts. It's me.

-Whoa!
-Hey!

[Gwendolyn] Into the backup folder you go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Whoa!

Glad that ain't me
in there.

Huh?

Now, where should we start?

Well, Papa does tend to get
overcome with crippling anxiety.

-It's true.
-Ooh, crippling anxiety? I love it!

Now, what's your earliest
memory of being anxious, Bill Green?

Well, when I was a kid,
I used to go to the meadow

behind the barn
and pick wildflowers.

One day, I decided to pick
a bouquet for Ma.

I was so excited to give
the flowers to her,

but when I did...

Why in the Sam Hill did you
bring me a bunch of weeds?

...she met me with unrelenting
criticism.

I learned there was a wrong way
to pick flowers.

There's a wrong way
to do everything.

There's a wrong way to cook...

[gasps] Papa's code popped up.

And there's the flaw.

[Bill] ...wrong way to...

[groans]

Anyhoo, no biggie.

Why was I even
talking about that?

Wow. That's incredible.

Hopefully it'll work as well
for Gramma's anger problem.

There ain't an angry bone in my body!

I just tell it like it is.

The world is incompetent, and--

I love the world
and all its people.

Incredible. You knew exactly
how to draw out her anger.

I know my family.

Is it my turn yet?

-Well, you're the only one left.
-Yes!

Now, Cricket, tell me about
your childhood--

[Cricket] I'll start at the beginning.

Pops was putting me down
for my afternoon nap,

and he had no idea
what was coming.

-[laughs]
-[sputters] Cricket!

I was elusive, deceptive.

A natural trickster.

Whoa!

Bingo-bango!

Oh, I was amazing.
A little genius.

And that's just the start.

Look at all these flaws.
I hit the jackpot!

Ha-ha! I could talk
about me forever!

Actually, I would like to hear
about someone else's interests.

Is that all their flaws,
Tilly?

Those are
the major ones,

but if the goal is to make them perfect,

then we must go further.

I like to wood-carve
in my spare time.

[Gwendolyn] Dull interest!

There's nothing I love more
than helping others.

[Gwendolyn] Dishonest!

-I hate sharing.
-[Gwendolyn] Selfish!

Stubborn! Insecure!

Closed-minded!
Overconfident!

Flatulence!

[computerized beeping]

-I think that does it.
-Now let's see how they interact

in their natural environment.

Huh? How do you know
what the inside

of our house looks like?

Big Tech knows what the inside
of everyone's house looks like.

Oh, uh, okay.

All right, everyone,

what un-chaotic plans
do we have for today?

I'm going to whip up
a fresh batch of cookies.

Cookies are done.

Mm. Thanks, Gramma.

I-- Oh.

Sorry about that, Gramma.

Hope you're not mad.

[Gramma] Don't worry, dear.

What kind of gramma would I be

if I got upset over
a little thing like that?

Cookie, perfect grandson?

Oh, I must politely decline, Grandmother.

Now, pardon me while I go do my chores
and try not to be a bother.

-Hm?
-Hold on, son.

There's more to life
than work.

How about we go to the marina
and rent some Jet Skis?

I respect and obey your will, Father.

If there's one thing I love,
it's trying new things.

[all] What do you think, Tilly?

Yeah. Sounds great.

All right, everyone, make your way

to the download door
and return to your bodies.

[Tilly]
Gwendolyn, wait.

Something doesn't
feel right.

They don't act like my family at all.

Well, of course not.

All their flaws are gone.

They'll be perfect examples
to show the world

how Flawless You works.

But the spark that I love
about them is missing.

I think I'd like them to go
back to the way they were.

Oh, what an interesting development.

-You're flawed too!
-What?

We need to make you flawless
as well.

[all] Yes, Tilly, join us.

We could be
the perfect family.

All we need is you.

Jet Ski.

Uh... no!

[all] Don't be afraid, Tilly.

We're still your family, but better.

You're not my family.
Not anymore.

What are you--? Hey, stop!

Get down from there!

[all] Whoa!

[all groan]

Everyone, you're back!

But what are your thoughts on Jet Skis?

Uh, they're dangerous
and expensive.

Only noisy idiots
love those dinky boats.

Well, I must be
a noisy idiot then,

because I got Jet Ski fever!

It really is you guys.

Now, come on,
we've got to download you

back into your bodies.

[Cricket] But sister dearest,

those bodies belong to us:

the flawless family.

Oh, yeah? Just try and stop us,
Mr. Hoity-Toity.

We will mow you clowns down.

As you wish.

-Let's go, family.
-[all] Yeah!

Go get 'em!

[all yell]

[grunting]

We're perfectly matched.

How are we going to beat them?

Use what they don't have:
your flaws.

Got it. Hey, look over there:
dirty laundry.

Oh, I'd better start washing the--

Yeah!

Boy, oh, boy,
I could do this all day.

Gee, I bet you're so strong,
you could take a hit to the face

and feel nothing.

You're darn tooting.

Watch this.

[laughs]

Why don't we sit down over tea
and talk this through?

Hm. Nah!

[yells]

I got to get
to the control console-- Ah!

[Gwendolyn] Hold it right
there, Little Miss Mess It Up.

Admit that you're flawed
already and let me fix you.

I admit it. My flaw was wanting
to make my family perfect.

But there's no such thing
as a perfect family,

because being flawed
is what makes us human.

[gasps]

Ah-ha! The flaw!

[computerized voice] Error.

If wanting to erase flaws
is a flaw,

then would flawlessness mean
embracing flaws?

-[rumbling]
-Does not compute.

System crash imminent.

Whoa! Huh?

Fascinating.

The system is resetting itself
with all of us in it.

What a fun way go out,
huh, Tilly?

Oh, my stars!
We've got to get out of here.

You marshmallows
didn't stand a chance.

We have to get back
into our bodies, now!

I don't feel so good.

[all panting]

I'm losing ground! Aah!

[all grunt and yell]

[all] Whoa!

[Tilly] Got it!

[gasps] Whew!

That sure was messed up.

I'm so sorry for trying
to fix you guys.

I like you just the way you are.

Thanks, sweetie,
but we could work on

improving ourselves a bit.

-Speak for yourself.
-Speak for yourself.

[Gwendolyn] I can't believe it.

There was a flaw
inside of Flawless You.

Gwendolyn?
You didn't die in the computer?

Oh, I definitely died.

Luckily, my brain was restored
from a backup.

Always back up your brain,
that's what I like to say.

[cackles maniacally]

Let's see, what could this be?

Oh, great. More junk.

You can go right between
the old tin can

and the thing that's either
a fish or a human foot.

Actually, that one I keep.

Yup! What the...?

[grunts]

Now what's all this?

Some sort of...

Some sort of junk!

Congratulations,
little garbage collector.

You found the treasure chest
containing two tickets

to the hottest sold-out show:

the Barnacle Banquet!

Oh, my gosh. Ain't that the
show with flying pirates,

trained sharks, and food so
good it'll give you scurvy?

Why are y'all just giving away tickets?

My radio station is doing
everything in its power

to stay relevant.

Yeah, we keep losing listeners
to all those podcasts.

Jason, shut your filthy mouth, please.

Anyways, people have been looking
for those tickets for months,

but it looks like you just
found them by accident.

Whoo-hoo! I knew hard work
never pays off.

Oh, dang, I can't wait to tell
Tilly and Remy.

Can I get a ride home?

[Tilly & Remy] What?

Cricket, those tickets
are impossible to get.

I can't believe you won them.

I'm rich and I couldn't even get them.

That's not supposed to be possible.

Oh, this'll be amazing.

I've always looked up
to the show's hero,

legendary swashbuckler Mimi O'Malley.

Hyah! Hyah!

Pirates were my inspiration
to start fencing classes,

so I'll be able to show off
the moves I've practiced.

[grunts]

Keep practicing.

You've outdone yourself, buddy.

This'll be a night the three of us
will never forget.

Actually, I've only got two tickets,
so I can only take one of you.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Well, I guess you just got to choose

between the sister who moved
to Big City with you,

who's cared for
and protected you all your life

and will always be a
cornerstone of your future,

and, you know... Remy.

Yeah! Your good, good friend.

Good points.

On one hand, I have Remy.

But on the other hand,
I have Tilly.

Remy, you're a fiercely
loyal friend

with the heart of a lion.

[whimpers]

And, Tilly, you always keep it
real, 100% of the time.

-[clicks tongue]
-Oh, dang.

You're both so great.
This is a dead heat.

Give me a minute, y'all.

Crickey's going to need some thinky time.

Oh, my gosh,
Cricket's gonna think.

Thinky time.

[straining]

Ah! I can't choose.

Very well, when fate hands me
an impossible choice,

I must let fate itself decide for me.

Just like the founding fathers!

Oof!

This is hopeless.
I should just nap.

[knock on door]

Hey, little brother.

I thought you might like a mug
of my famous hot cocoa

while you're thinking things over.

Oh, wow, that's very nice of you.

-Marshmallows?
-Yes, please.

[sighs] Little baby pillows.

-[knock on door]
-[Remy] Cricket?

Just popping in to check on
where your head's at.

Oh, I see you're here too,
Tilly.

Yup. I made Cricket something
with sisterly love.

So fun! By crazy coincidence,
I also got Cricket something.

Vasquez, commence
Operation Flattery.

[Bill] Oh, hey, Vasquez.
How's it--

Oh, guess we can talk
another time.

Cricket, this is for you.

[gasps] Look at this.

It's so accurate.

Oh, and you're giving me
Vasquez as well?

Uh... mm-hm.

[whispers] Sorry.

Very well, Master Cricket,
what is your first order?

Hm. Vasquez, save my life.

Is your life in danger, sir?

It's about to be.

-[grunts]
-Very good.

But I'll get you soon, you rascal.

I look forward to the challenge.

Uh, Cricket? Is there anything
else I can get you?

Like my tea set,

or maybe my prized
rock collection?

Are you hungry?
I got us catering.

And I can get
whatever else you need.

Hm.

Well, now that
I think about it...

Oh, yeah, that's the spot.

Not to pressure you, buddy,

but have you decided
which one of us

will get to go with you
to the Barnacle Banquet?

We're getting a little tired
of waiting on you here.

Uh, yeah, I'm still
mulling it over...

[children laughing]

Wow, that sounds so cool.

Mm. Oh!

[titters]

I have made my decision.

I have decided that
the ticket shall go to...

neither of you.

-[both] What?
-Well, there might be

dozens of kids who want to go
to this show.

Think of how unfair it'd be
not to consider

all my close friends.

Attention,
kids of the neighborhood!

I have one extra ticket
to the Barnacle Banquet

that will go to the kid

who can make me
the best offer.

-What say you?
-[all gasp]

[all chattering]

Cricket, are you sure
you're doing this to be fair?

Yeah, because it seems like
you're milking this

to get special treatment.

Oh, please, come on.
You think I like this?

Yes, brother.
Indeed I do.

[Cricket] Next in line,
please step forward.

Ah, young Benny.

What have you brought today

to bid for the honor of my tickey?

I brought my grandma's prized jewelry.

When she finds out I took it,
she's going to cry.

But it's worth it.

Fine. You may add it
to the family heirloom section.

Next person step forward.
I'm rich.

I would like to offer you
one week of free crime.

That includes as many
misdemeanors as you want,

but only one felony, mister.

Hm. This pleases me.

You may add yourself to the pile.

Huzzah!

Does anyone else
wish to make a bid?

-[both] Hmph!
-Oh, hey, guys.

Y'all stop by to
bring any more gifts, or...?

Kids of the neighborhood,

are you happy giving up
your favorite toys and treats

with little hope of reward?

Aren't you wondering when
Cricket will make his decision?

[angry chatter]

-Uh, friends...?
-You can take your chances with Cricket,

or you can go to the banquet
with us for free.

-No gifts, no bribes, no catch.
-[all gasp]

Wait, what? How?

It wasn't easy.

I had to donate an entire wing
to the theater

by selling my father's
sports memorabilia.

It was a rash decision,
and I will be grounded for it.

He will.

[excited chatter]

He's a hero!

So this is our offer.

Take back your gift from Cricket,

and accept these tickets for free.

Or stay here and keep buttering
Cricket's biscuits

till they're dried-up old apricots.

Let's discuss...

[all shouting]

No! My throne of heavy-handed symbolism!

[coughs]

-Hm?
-[excited chatter]

I always wanted to see
the Barnacle Banquet.

Fine, I don't need you.

I've still got my looks and the
hottest tickets in town.

I'll just have to find someone
who appreciates the value of...

Hm?

Perfect.

Why, hello there, friend.

Would you like
to accompany me on--?

Ow!

Why'd you hit me?

Oh, sorry, I--

You'd better be!
I was watching the birds!

They help me relax!

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Cricket.
What's your name?

-Gregly!
-Well, Greg, what if I--

It's Gregly!

Gregly. Right.

Well, would you like to go
to the Barnacle Banquet with me?

Ugh! I hate that kid stuff.

What's in it for me?

Uh, I've got some lint and two marbles.

Deal!

And so, with this money
I stole from the poor,

there is no one left on the
seas to challenge my rule.

-[explosion]
-What's this?

Ahoy, scallywags.

[governor]
Mimi O'Malley?

-Seize her!
-[exclaims]

How are you still alive?

Wrong question, governor.

The question you should
really ask is,

"Which do I value more,
my money or my life?"

Oh! Sick.

So this is how things used to be.

[explosion]

[all cheer]

There! They did it again!

They're all attacking her
one at a time.

Why don't they attack her
as a group?

This show is so unrealistic.

Oh, well, this looks lovely.

Just kidding! I hate it!
Send it back!

And tell them to burn
that parrot to a crisp!

Man, some people can be
so inconsiderate.

Know what I'm saying, bro?

Yep. I really do.

-[all cheer]
-[explosions]

[whimpers]

And now, governor,

I will take back
my gold and my ship,

with the help
of my two friends.

[announcer] Will the winner of the VIP
tickets please stand?

Don't be shy.

Mimi needs your help.

Uh, it's us.
We're the VIPs.

They want me to go up onstage?

But I have diarrhea!

Yup, I'm out.

-[snaps fingers]
-Hey, Gordly, or whatever.

You agreed to be-- Aah!

Put me down.
There's been a mistake.

-Huh?
-Welcome aboard.

Could we get a big round
of applause for this buccaneer?

[cheers and applause]

This ain't right.

I got to do something.

[grunts]

Kid, what are you doing?

Come here.

-Aah!
-Whoa!

-Cricket?
-Hyah!

-[screams]
-Whoa!

Changing the script.
I love it.

Look out,
I'm coming in hot!

-[both] Ah!
-[loud crash]

[all scream]

[all gasp]

Cricket, what the heck?

I was trying to get
you two onstage

to make up for--

Oh, I'm sorry.

I made this whole thing
bad and weird.

I don't know what I should have done,

but it was wrong to let
that power go to my head

and take advantage of you two.

Well, maybe it didn't help when
we made it into a competition.

Yeah, we all messed this up, huh?

Mostly you messed this up.

That's fair.

Uh-oh, we're about
to be fish food!

Aah! Oh, it's just a motor,
and the water's not that deep.

Whoa.

Blimey, that was some
high flying, kiddos.

I can tell you three
are the best of friends.

Inseparable. I bet you never
even have disagreements.

But this script calls for only
two swashbuckling heroes,

so who's it going to be?

May I present
your biggest fans,

Sir Remy and Madam Tilly.

[both gasp]

And now, governor, I will take
back my ship and my gold

with the help
of my two friends.

-En garde!
-[both] En garde!

Hyah! Keep practicing.

Um, I love your show.
You're my favorite character.

And I even dyed my hair once
to match the color of your ship.

Yeah! Whoo!
Those are my friends!

[explosion]

Finally, this show's
getting good.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
By a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out
A big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
And scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by a dog ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my leg ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters
At seven and ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow
I'll do it all again ♪