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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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As you know,
Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...
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between being a human and a vampire.
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"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"
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to paraphrase one of your contemporary
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musical troubadours.
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Now, I've turned my
attention to isolating
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the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
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It's a very complex scientific procedure
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where I mix his DNA
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with the DNA of stray animals
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just to see what shakes.
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So, I began by fusing him with a swine.
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All very good.
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And a frog... Frog not so happy,
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but it's just a frog.
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This beaker for the dog,
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and this one for you.
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- Mm.
- Oh, shit.
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I just realized I got
those the wrong way around.
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- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that...
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That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
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You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
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- Urine sample? For...
- To refill the beakers.
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Ha-ha!
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Laszlo's been in there for three days
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- and three nights now.
- Success!
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- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.
- - Aw, shit.
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Well?
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I don't know how to put this lightly,
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but you're fucked.
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And while we're being blunt,
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you are what the scientific community
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refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
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So... that's it? You're
just gonna give up on me?
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I'm not gonna give up on you,
I'm gonna give up on the experiments.
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And I'd like you to do one thing for me.
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Anything. Whatever you want.
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What are those?
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Those... well,
they're just some of the results
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of my experiments with your DNA.
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Kill them.
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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These are words for "money" in America.
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So I have been teaching a class
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in Little Antipaxos on
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assimilating to America.
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I have been helping them
master everyday skills
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such as language proficiency.
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Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!
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Learn better driving
etiquette, you piece of shit!
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- I just spilled my coffee!
- Write it down.
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Typical American industries.
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Films, newspapers, beef.
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Write it down.
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And I told them the words
to the colonial patriot hymn,
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which is the song of the nation.
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♪ Burgers and fries ♪
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♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
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♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪ Yeehaw!
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Also, a very important day, which is
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the annual turkey sacrifice.
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Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.
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When we are not eating
we are paying respects
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to the bird... touching
it, blowing it kisses.
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Keeping very low, on three.
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One, two, three.
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And then acknowledge the onion.
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It all started when The
Guide discovered a new detail
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about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
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Give me that.
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"For those you've
burned, you must atone."
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And that's when I figured it out.
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So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only
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one school that everyone went to.
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School wasn't easy for
anyone, but especially not me.
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All the other children
said I was too noisy,
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so I was always made to sit outside.
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And then one day,
somebody burned down the school.
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And that person was me.
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Nobody died, but no one ever learned
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anything ever again.
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My fellow villagers never forgave me.
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Which is why I believe doing a school
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for my fellow little
Antipaxons will maybe be a way
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to reverse this motherfucking hex!
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- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
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are a result of my DNA recombinations.
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In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.
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Created for the diagnosis of
your vampiratus interruptus.
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These creatures are-are me?
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Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
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you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
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Get the fuck off.
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That one there came from one
of your stool samples and a pig.
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This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.
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And I believe you've
met these chaps before.
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- Oof.
- Ugh.
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- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
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Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
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of my failings as a scientist.
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Ah, and that one... now
that's a complete mistake.
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Some wool from one of
your hideous sweaters
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got in the petri dish,
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and there you go. But between you and I,
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kill that one first.
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In conclusion, the two steps
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one, go to bank, two, open account.
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Write that down.
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- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
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I asked Nandor and Colin Robinson
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to come with me on the first day because
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I didn't want the
class to look too empty.
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But now I cannot get
those two tits to leave.
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It's not the best school
class I've ever attended,
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even though it's the only one.
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How was your weekend?
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Same old, same old.
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I hear that, asshole.
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I thought we'd learn more
about history, like warriors
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and killing and pillaging,
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but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
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I used to audit
a lot of night school classes.
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Fiction writing, mostly. I once
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did a poem that I titled
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An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.
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Easy drain.
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How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
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- Seven.
- One.
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No! Water cooler does not talk.
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Write that down.
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Oh, so stupid. I give up.
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I'm starting to think that
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maybe I'm not very good at this.
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No, I... I can't.
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I can't do this. I can't
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hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
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Get off, get off, get off.
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I could just probably
call an exterminator
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or animal control because,
technically, you are vermin, so...
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Wow, you do look like me.
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Is teaching
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actually going to help me
lift this fucking hex?
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You are struggling.
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00:06:42,121 --> 00:06:44,778
Oh, fantastic. Another
disgruntled student.
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You have a troubled energy about you.
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A dark presence looms.
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Do you know about the hex?
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Ever since you have come
here, you have brought with you
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a very dark, spectral
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specter.
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It's like a hex, if you will.
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And what is your name,
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crispy, old, wizened crone?
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00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,825
Oh, my name's Helen.
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Hel... Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
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- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
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rid myself of this disgusting hex?
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Yes.
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I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
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Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
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- I can't say I am surprised...
- I am the teacher...
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- ... by this turn of events.
- ... and you will listen to me now.
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- I have been known to...
- I am an expert in...
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um...
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Okay. I think I have gotten this.
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A gray egg from a red turkey,
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a petal of wolfsbane...
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Magic can be a very
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strange and confusing thing,
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which is why I do not fuck with it.
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... a snake's nose...
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But if this sorceress
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can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.
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Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
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I will need an eye of newt,
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a black cat's whisker
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and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
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What is this, uh,
an enchanted forest or something?
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It is a pastry shop.
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- Oh.
- They sell what in these modern times
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are called doughnuts.
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A doughnut?
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- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
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I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
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- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
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00:08:24,201 --> 00:08:26,402
But honestly, it tastes a
lot like a doughnut, so...
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I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.
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Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.
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No, I don't know what the next step is,
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but it's definitely not
killing them. Maybe to the zoo?
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00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:37,626
Uh... the park? I could drop
you guys at the park, huh?
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A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
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- You can talk.
- Many of us can.
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I apologize for not telling you sooner,
I just didn't want to...
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shock you.
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A question: What is the
most important knowledge...
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one can possess?
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00:09:01,230 --> 00:09:02,616
History.
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00:09:02,649 --> 00:09:04,651
And where did human history begin?
200
00:09:04,706 --> 00:09:08,510
The great empire of Al
Qolnidar rose to power
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in what the Western world calls 1262.
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But we're gonna forget about that
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00:09:14,414 --> 00:09:18,138
and just call it the year O.
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00:09:18,149 --> 00:09:22,283
Whatever, man. History is subjective.
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I mean, teach what you want,
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00:09:23,870 --> 00:09:26,346
but just know that history
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is written by the oppressors.
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00:09:28,330 --> 00:09:31,176
One of the biggest and most
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00:09:31,187 --> 00:09:34,462
commonly-used energy drains imaginable
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00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:37,017
is being the cool teacher.
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00:09:37,050 --> 00:09:39,686
I used to have a bumper
sticker that said,
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00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:42,111
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
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00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:43,557
It was pretty rad.
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00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:45,887
Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.
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00:09:45,898 --> 00:09:47,160
Some condoms.
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00:09:47,193 --> 00:09:49,546
I want you guys to be healthy out there.
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00:09:49,557 --> 00:09:52,554
You don't have to be in
love to wear the glove.
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00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:54,034
- Right, Lorraine?
- Colin Robinson
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00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,036
has tricked my pupils into thinking
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00:09:56,069 --> 00:09:58,238
that they are learning.
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00:09:58,271 --> 00:10:00,107
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
222
00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,360
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
223
00:10:02,371 --> 00:10:03,799
Let me tell you about Hamlet.
224
00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:05,812
A prince of a castle.
225
00:10:05,845 --> 00:10:08,041
You wince, but his hassle
226
00:10:08,052 --> 00:10:10,410
was the death of... his daddy.
227
00:10:10,421 --> 00:10:11,789
A baddy? No.
228
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,599
But sad he was when the lad said,
"Egad"...
229
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:17,456
a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.
230
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,993
What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
231
00:10:20,026 --> 00:10:21,795
on the desk with his legs crossed
232
00:10:21,828 --> 00:10:25,317
so that everyone can see
his nut hanging out his short.
233
00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:28,278
You can talk?
234
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:30,292
You're, like, real people?
235
00:10:30,303 --> 00:10:31,605
Why didn't you tell me you could talk?
236
00:10:31,638 --> 00:10:33,273
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
237
00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,690
What, you open up to
people right off the bat?
238
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,711
Well, no, not usually,
I guess I take a second,
239
00:10:37,744 --> 00:10:38,921
yeah, but...
240
00:10:38,932 --> 00:10:42,508
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
241
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:43,793
But Daddy Gemerno,
242
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,433
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- Oh, shit.
243
00:10:46,444 --> 00:10:47,601
Ugh, what'd you eat?
244
00:10:47,612 --> 00:10:48,847
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
245
00:10:48,858 --> 00:10:50,426
made the froggie pregnant.
246
00:10:50,437 --> 00:10:51,745
- What?
- I want raw meat.
247
00:10:51,756 --> 00:10:53,324
- Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.
- Da-da.
248
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:54,990
- What's the plan, Daddy?
- Come on!
249
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,828
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
250
00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:59,177
Stop talking. I got to
think, I got to think.
251
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:02,042
Laszlo wants me to, you
know, get rid of you.
252
00:11:02,053 --> 00:11:04,255
What means "get rid of"?
253
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,569
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
254
00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,849
of the one true Guillermo who saves us.
255
00:11:09,138 --> 00:11:11,374
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
256
00:11:11,385 --> 00:11:13,287
He was born 15 minutes before me.
257
00:11:13,388 --> 00:11:14,543
Hello, young one.
258
00:11:14,554 --> 00:11:17,149
Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us.
259
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,475
- Daddy, Daddy.
- Ain't that right, Daddy?
260
00:11:18,486 --> 00:11:21,161
- I don't want to die.
- Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.
261
00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:22,740
- Fine. I'll save you.
- Yeah!
262
00:11:22,751 --> 00:11:24,961
- Thank you, Daddy.
- But you can't tell Laszlo, okay?
263
00:11:24,972 --> 00:11:26,897
- Agreed.
- Is this all of you guys?
264
00:11:26,908 --> 00:11:28,567
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
265
00:11:28,578 --> 00:11:30,113
Binky's the most fragile among us.
266
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,292
He lives in the koi pond.
267
00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:34,228
- Find him, Guillermo.
- Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.
268
00:11:34,239 --> 00:11:35,841
And you're all gonna stay put
269
00:11:35,852 --> 00:11:38,268
a-and not make a noise. All right?
270
00:11:38,279 --> 00:11:40,885
Do not think your
bravery will go unnoticed.
271
00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,911
See her? This fetching bitch...
272
00:11:42,922 --> 00:11:45,692
is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
273
00:11:45,703 --> 00:11:47,991
- No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
274
00:11:48,002 --> 00:11:49,263
- We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
275
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:50,377
Daddy!
276
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:54,050
Helen, I'm home!
277
00:11:54,136 --> 00:11:55,838
So, I think I got everything.
278
00:11:55,977 --> 00:11:57,335
One monkey paw.
279
00:11:57,346 --> 00:12:00,283
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
280
00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:04,120
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
281
00:12:04,131 --> 00:12:05,803
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
282
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:08,792
vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
283
00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:10,863
What am I supposed to do with this?
284
00:12:10,874 --> 00:12:13,379
Could you not use that
for your magic potion?
285
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,925
Has to be chocolate or...
286
00:12:14,936 --> 00:12:17,556
You think I can put this in my big bowl?
287
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:19,035
Do you mean a cauldron?
288
00:12:19,046 --> 00:12:20,766
Yes. That is the word.
289
00:12:20,777 --> 00:12:22,427
You're gonna have to go back out.
290
00:12:22,438 --> 00:12:23,827
Of course, yes.
291
00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:27,795
And why don't you also grab me
292
00:12:27,806 --> 00:12:29,579
three Boston creams,
293
00:12:29,612 --> 00:12:32,282
three chocolate glazed, four jelly
294
00:12:32,315 --> 00:12:35,088
and five glazed crullers.
295
00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:36,824
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
296
00:12:36,835 --> 00:12:39,224
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
297
00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:41,666
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
298
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,560
I don't know much about hexes
299
00:12:43,571 --> 00:12:45,661
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
300
00:12:45,672 --> 00:12:49,237
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
301
00:12:49,248 --> 00:12:53,358
Also, Helen said she had this
magic wand for thousands of years.
302
00:12:53,369 --> 00:12:55,805
But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside
303
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,762
and pick up a stick from the ground.
304
00:12:57,773 --> 00:12:59,976
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
305
00:13:00,009 --> 00:13:02,378
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
306
00:13:02,389 --> 00:13:04,559
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
307
00:13:04,570 --> 00:13:05,593
Close enough.
308
00:13:09,485 --> 00:13:11,993
What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you
309
00:13:12,004 --> 00:13:13,772
doing in there... are you wanking?
310
00:13:13,783 --> 00:13:16,386
- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were.
311
00:13:16,397 --> 00:13:19,224
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
312
00:13:19,235 --> 00:13:21,304
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
313
00:13:21,464 --> 00:13:23,032
Listen, I understand this kind of thing
314
00:13:23,043 --> 00:13:24,345
is not for the faint of heart.
315
00:13:24,356 --> 00:13:25,590
So if you don't have the balls for it,
316
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,269
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
317
00:13:28,070 --> 00:13:30,285
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
318
00:13:30,296 --> 00:13:32,171
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
319
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:33,409
- And wank.
- Yeah.
320
00:13:33,442 --> 00:13:34,711
- Yes!
- Okay.
321
00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:36,679
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
322
00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:39,315
Okay.
323
00:13:39,348 --> 00:13:41,506
Binky.
324
00:13:41,837 --> 00:13:44,254
Hey, buddy. Come on.
325
00:13:44,287 --> 00:13:45,355
Come on.
326
00:13:45,388 --> 00:13:47,323
Whoa, Nelly!
327
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:53,396
Daddy, what is "wank"?
328
00:14:00,022 --> 00:14:01,823
I almost have it.
329
00:14:02,598 --> 00:14:03,762
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
330
00:14:03,773 --> 00:14:05,118
Hold on.
331
00:14:05,129 --> 00:14:06,931
There.
332
00:14:06,942 --> 00:14:10,327
So, what did we just
learn about sound waves?
333
00:14:10,338 --> 00:14:11,436
Yeah. Lenore.
334
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,682
When will learn about, uh,
335
00:14:12,693 --> 00:14:14,529
starting mortgage?
336
00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:16,654
Right after I play
337
00:14:16,665 --> 00:14:18,670
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
338
00:14:18,681 --> 00:14:20,283
- Uh, let's see...
- Colin Robinson,
339
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,329
what are we doing outside?
340
00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:24,594
Having class on the quad, man.
341
00:14:24,627 --> 00:14:26,462
Kind of a college tradition.
342
00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:28,164
I catch your drift, though.
343
00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:31,279
How about we get the old blood pumpin'
344
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:34,918
with some hacky sack?
345
00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:35,929
That's not cool.
346
00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,323
We are going to the history museum.
347
00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:40,606
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
348
00:14:40,617 --> 00:14:43,179
Yes. Very much so. Follow me!
349
00:14:43,212 --> 00:14:45,215
- Oh.
- Who here has seen Garden State?
350
00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:47,899
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
351
00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,912
to listen to by The Shins.
352
00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:56,282
This is from the Dunkin' on Forest
and Broadway. I said it must be
353
00:14:56,293 --> 00:14:59,495
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
354
00:14:59,528 --> 00:15:02,131
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
355
00:15:02,164 --> 00:15:03,733
I will need a dozen more
356
00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:06,780
- from the Forest and South location.
- Are you kidding me?
357
00:15:06,791 --> 00:15:09,060
How many donuts do you need, lady?
358
00:15:09,071 --> 00:15:10,607
Oh!
359
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,408
Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?
360
00:15:12,441 --> 00:15:15,297
Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful
361
00:15:15,308 --> 00:15:16,877
with each passing moment.
362
00:15:16,888 --> 00:15:19,637
- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me one last thing.
363
00:15:19,648 --> 00:15:21,173
Yes, yes, anything.
364
00:15:22,910 --> 00:15:25,154
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
365
00:15:25,187 --> 00:15:28,992
Powder represents the
ashes of your ancestors.
366
00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:32,095
I will get you a dozen
powdered Munchkins.
367
00:15:32,106 --> 00:15:33,741
Stay with me, Helen!
368
00:15:34,216 --> 00:15:36,219
Oh.
369
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,423
Piss!
370
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:41,037
What are you doing?! Come on!
371
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,540
And you will not
call the police about us
372
00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:46,309
being here while the museum is closed.
373
00:15:48,341 --> 00:15:51,914
The entire history of Staten Island!
374
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,498
- Look at this.
- This is a recreation
375
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:57,654
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
376
00:15:57,709 --> 00:15:59,678
based on old travel chests
377
00:15:59,689 --> 00:16:02,225
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
378
00:16:02,258 --> 00:16:04,494
This fellow is wearing traditional
379
00:16:04,527 --> 00:16:07,063
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
380
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:09,907
This is exactly the
kind of outfit I wore
381
00:16:09,918 --> 00:16:11,968
on my journey to America.
382
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,170
And I do so love
383
00:16:14,203 --> 00:16:18,424
that this is from the
immigrant's perspective.
384
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,892
So accurate, down to the underwear.
385
00:16:21,903 --> 00:16:24,880
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
386
00:16:24,891 --> 00:16:26,482
Wait a minute.
387
00:16:26,937 --> 00:16:29,112
Those are a pair I used to own!
388
00:16:29,123 --> 00:16:31,782
How did these fuckers get my stuff?!
389
00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:36,570
Donut wench, I need a dozen
powdered Munchkins, and make it quick.
390
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:40,151
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
391
00:16:40,162 --> 00:16:41,726
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
392
00:16:41,737 --> 00:16:43,839
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
393
00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:46,202
Wait... Wait, hang on, that is her.
394
00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:48,505
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
395
00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,937
Um, I guess I know her from, like,
396
00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:53,447
harassing me and my co-workers.
397
00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:54,547
That's mainly how.
398
00:16:54,558 --> 00:16:57,140
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
399
00:16:57,151 --> 00:16:59,907
I thought her name was
Helen the Magic Woman.
400
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,889
Something here stinks of a snake's shit.
401
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,735
I have your Munchkins.
402
00:17:07,579 --> 00:17:09,314
We need to have a little chat.
403
00:17:09,668 --> 00:17:12,999
What is this? Why does
it say Helen Johnson
404
00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:15,361
when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?
405
00:17:15,372 --> 00:17:18,697
I, um, never told you my full name,
406
00:17:18,708 --> 00:17:22,614
which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
407
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,121
The hex is playing tricks on you.
408
00:17:24,132 --> 00:17:27,501
This is textbook hex.
The solution is a strawb...
409
00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:29,367
No! Ugh!
410
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:30,631
Wait!
411
00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:35,143
You have no idea what it's like
412
00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:38,242
to not be allowed back to the one place
413
00:17:38,253 --> 00:17:41,112
you feel at home.
414
00:17:41,123 --> 00:17:42,770
I do know what it is like
415
00:17:42,781 --> 00:17:44,160
to be driven from the only place
416
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,662
you have ever called home,
417
00:17:45,695 --> 00:17:48,366
just as I was driven out of my village.
418
00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:49,692
It ain't great.
419
00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:51,765
My hex may not have been lifted,
420
00:17:51,776 --> 00:17:54,563
but with a little hypnosis,
421
00:17:54,756 --> 00:17:56,843
at least Helen's has been.
422
00:17:57,663 --> 00:18:01,626
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
423
00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:04,739
You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.
424
00:18:05,456 --> 00:18:08,573
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
425
00:18:08,584 --> 00:18:13,401
in the Near Middle East, one
with a particularly weak army,
426
00:18:13,412 --> 00:18:15,661
based on their inferior weaponry."
427
00:18:15,672 --> 00:18:18,127
What? Those are my travel weapons.
428
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,137
"Also inside was a
well-worn good-luck amulet.
429
00:18:22,148 --> 00:18:26,036
The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
430
00:18:26,047 --> 00:18:29,951
travelers of the day, and they
sought comfort in superstitions... "
431
00:18:29,962 --> 00:18:32,279
I was not terrified of shit.
432
00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:34,420
And I don't even know what an amulet is.
433
00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:37,795
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
434
00:18:37,806 --> 00:18:42,596
It also says that the
immigrant was a talented writer.
435
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:45,941
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
436
00:18:45,952 --> 00:18:48,010
while flying in the sky."
437
00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:50,159
That's right... sky fucking.
438
00:18:50,192 --> 00:18:51,494
Glad to see they've acknowledged
439
00:18:51,527 --> 00:18:53,363
some of the cool shit that I've done.
440
00:18:53,396 --> 00:18:56,366
"It's a rare example of
early erotic fiction."
441
00:18:56,399 --> 00:18:58,653
Fiction? This is not fiction.
442
00:18:58,664 --> 00:19:01,638
- This is my diary!
- "It is likely that, unable
443
00:19:01,671 --> 00:19:04,469
to find a sexual partner,
444
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,359
the immigrant bided
his time imagining one.
445
00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:09,928
The crude and improbable descriptions
446
00:19:09,939 --> 00:19:11,842
of his intercourse
447
00:19:11,853 --> 00:19:13,915
furthermore suggests this individual...
448
00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:16,307
- Don't say it!
- ... never had sex."
449
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:24,806
Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
450
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,970
I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
451
00:19:32,025 --> 00:19:34,639
Steady thy hand and become death.
452
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,531
But wait till I'm gone. I don't want
to be covered in brains and shit.
453
00:19:37,542 --> 00:19:39,452
Au revoir.
454
00:19:39,463 --> 00:19:41,177
Bye.
455
00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:43,733
Shh.
456
00:19:43,744 --> 00:19:44,823
There we go.
457
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:49,287
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
458
00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:52,345
Hey, no one's dying on my wa...
459
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:53,725
Oh!
460
00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:56,162
No. No, drop it. Drop it!
461
00:19:56,173 --> 00:19:57,500
Sorry about that.
462
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:00,932
Hello.
463
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:03,835
I thought you might want this
464
00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:05,715
key ring that your mommy gave you.
465
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,972
I stole it from the museum.
466
00:20:07,983 --> 00:20:11,113
Is this how history is going to
remember me, Colin Robinson,
467
00:20:11,124 --> 00:20:13,278
if it is going to remember me at all?
468
00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,614
Well, I also took the liberty
469
00:20:16,647 --> 00:20:19,651
of rearranging the museum display.
470
00:20:19,662 --> 00:20:21,671
"This immigrant was a very feared
471
00:20:21,682 --> 00:20:23,855
and very cool ancient warrior
472
00:20:23,888 --> 00:20:27,458
who set the world's record
for having the most constant
473
00:20:27,491 --> 00:20:29,627
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
474
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:33,531
"Often while flying, and he
was never scared of boat rides."
475
00:20:33,712 --> 00:20:35,021
You're shitting me.
476
00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:38,614
Whatever, you know? Uh,
history is a construct.
477
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,293
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
478
00:20:40,304 --> 00:20:41,989
You are not just a cool teacher.
479
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,216
You are also a cool friend.
480
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:46,333
Awkward moment.
481
00:20:47,078 --> 00:20:49,447
Okay.
482
00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:52,245
Just remember: never
be seen by the staff.
483
00:20:52,928 --> 00:20:54,998
- You're only safe with the old people.
- Okay.
484
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,921
- Iunderstand.
- Yes, we understand.
485
00:20:56,954 --> 00:20:59,290
So I just dropped
them off at a retirement home
486
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:00,692
that my tía works at.
487
00:21:00,725 --> 00:21:02,327
She's always saying the residents
488
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,695
are really lonely and love company.
489
00:21:03,728 --> 00:21:07,265
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- Yeah. B-1.
490
00:21:07,298 --> 00:21:09,421
And it was super
easy to get the paperwork
491
00:21:09,432 --> 00:21:10,934
for an emotional support animal.
492
00:21:13,990 --> 00:21:16,407
They'll be happy here, I think.
493
00:21:17,603 --> 00:21:19,207
I hope.
494
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:33,348
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
495
00:21:33,505 --> 00:21:36,408
Gizmo, what are you doing out there?
496
00:21:36,681 --> 00:21:37,697
Having a wank?
497
00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:40,256
Ah, good man. Carry on.
498
00:21:41,696 --> 00:21:43,768
Hey, buddy.
499
00:22:30,127 --> 00:22:35,127
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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