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1
00:00:01,419 --> 00:00:04,380
New York City.
Ever heard of it?
2
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:05,840
♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪
3
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:08,759
♪ Yeah ♪
4
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,177
That's me walking.
5
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,304
I'm Petey, a girl
with a boy's name,
6
00:00:12,305 --> 00:00:13,847
so you're allowed to like me.
7
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:16,141
My days are filled with
typical New York stuff:
8
00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:17,851
getting a coffee on
my way to coffee,
9
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,771
therapy, more therapy,
therapy again,
10
00:00:20,772 --> 00:00:22,523
jaywalking to a museum,
11
00:00:22,524 --> 00:00:23,941
avoiding the train piss bottle,
12
00:00:23,942 --> 00:00:25,818
looking relieved yet somber
13
00:00:25,819 --> 00:00:27,945
as a giant monster is murdered,
14
00:00:27,946 --> 00:00:29,780
and, of course, Broadway.
15
00:00:29,781 --> 00:00:32,032
I had it all, the perfect job
16
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,201
as a senior assistant
editorial assistant
17
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,912
at the biggest fashion
magazine in Midtown.
18
00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:38,956
Mm, good clothes, bad clothes,
good clothes, bad clothes.
19
00:00:38,957 --> 00:00:40,541
Well, time for lunch.
20
00:00:40,542 --> 00:00:42,585
Sure, I'd been an
assistant for eight years,
21
00:00:42,586 --> 00:00:44,336
but they let me take
home the stale bagels
22
00:00:44,337 --> 00:00:46,339
at the end of the
day. Girl boss!
23
00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:49,341
We need to pick a page.
24
00:00:49,342 --> 00:00:51,593
If only we knew which was
going to be in this month,
25
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,179
shirt or pants. Any ideas?
26
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,516
- Shirt covers the top!
- Pants cover the bottom!
27
00:00:57,517 --> 00:00:58,852
Jumpsuit covers both.
28
00:01:00,979 --> 00:01:03,857
What, me? I didn't
say anything.
29
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:06,358
Ugh.
30
00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:07,693
Sure, I've spent my whole life
31
00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,236
terrified of speaking up
32
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,196
because of a complete
lack of sense of self,
33
00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:12,823
but who knows?
34
00:01:12,824 --> 00:01:14,742
Maybe that's what landed
me the perfect fiancé.
35
00:01:14,743 --> 00:01:17,454
He was the best man
New York had to offer.
36
00:01:18,830 --> 00:01:21,081
God, you make sense on paper.
37
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:24,627
Oh, my God, Brian, not here.
38
00:01:24,628 --> 00:01:26,587
God.
39
00:01:26,588 --> 00:01:28,756
I guess you could
say I had it all:
40
00:01:28,757 --> 00:01:31,216
a man, a job, and an apartment.
41
00:01:31,217 --> 00:01:33,260
Wait, that's three things.
42
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:36,013
I guess you could say
I had three things,
43
00:01:36,014 --> 00:01:39,184
and none of them will ever
completely fall apart.
44
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,411
My whole life was perfect,
45
00:01:59,412 --> 00:02:01,580
but none of it was ever enough
for my socialite mother,
46
00:02:01,581 --> 00:02:02,831
White St. Barts.
47
00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:04,625
She runs a charity
for unwed dogs.
48
00:02:04,626 --> 00:02:07,753
Ms. St. Barts, your
daughter is here to see you.
49
00:02:07,754 --> 00:02:09,338
What on earth is a daughter?
50
00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:11,465
It's like a son but a girl.
51
00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:13,217
This generation has a
word for everything.
52
00:02:13,218 --> 00:02:14,760
I can't keep up.
53
00:02:14,761 --> 00:02:16,261
Hi, Mother.
54
00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:18,097
I brought you an expensive
yet meaningful pastry
55
00:02:18,098 --> 00:02:19,348
from the bakery we used to go to
56
00:02:19,349 --> 00:02:20,516
when I was little.
57
00:02:20,517 --> 00:02:21,850
How thoughtful.
58
00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:23,435
Now, what is it
you want from me,
59
00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:24,770
money, a lawyer?
60
00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:26,230
If it's an apology you're after,
61
00:02:26,231 --> 00:02:28,065
I'd prefer to just
write a check.
62
00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:30,776
- You called me, Mother.
- Right, of course.
63
00:02:30,777 --> 00:02:32,361
I called you here
because there's a wedding
64
00:02:32,362 --> 00:02:35,030
I have to go to next month
that I'm absolutely dreading.
65
00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:37,533
- Oh, Mother, that's...
- I know, I know.
66
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:39,576
Why not just send a cold
gift with my regrets?
67
00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:40,661
Mother.
68
00:02:40,662 --> 00:02:42,121
The only reason I'm going
69
00:02:42,122 --> 00:02:43,914
is that I'm the
mother of the bride.
70
00:02:43,915 --> 00:02:45,791
Oh, right, that's you.
71
00:02:45,792 --> 00:02:48,419
Um, here.
- What's this?
72
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:50,003
I wanted to pretend
I had a gift,
73
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:53,215
but it's actually the VHS tape
I've been hiding from you.
74
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:56,428
Honestly, it's the worst thing
I could have possibly grabbed.
75
00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:58,595
Well, now that
you're holding it,
76
00:02:58,596 --> 00:02:59,555
it's a message from your father.
77
00:02:59,556 --> 00:03:01,056
I have a father?
78
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:02,975
Well, not anymore. He's dead.
79
00:03:02,976 --> 00:03:06,146
- I have a dead father?
- I'll get my checkbook.
80
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:12,151
Dearest, sweetest,
loveliest Petra,
81
00:03:12,152 --> 00:03:14,194
It's me, your father!
82
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,947
Yeah, I'm sorry I
wasn't around much
83
00:03:16,948 --> 00:03:18,532
when you were
growing up, you know,
84
00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:23,537
but I was busy working
on something so cool,
85
00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:25,706
and if you're watching
this, that means two things:
86
00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:29,751
I'm dead, and now that
cool thing is all yours.
87
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:33,213
The community of New Utopia...
88
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,632
West Carolina.
89
00:03:35,675 --> 00:03:39,553
Wow, what a nice town I made.
90
00:03:39,554 --> 00:03:41,054
Go get it.
91
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,389
There you go.
92
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,100
Now, I know you're
a city girl. I do.
93
00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:48,729
I was a city boy myself.
We have that in common.
94
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:52,649
Yeah, there's only one problem,
I'm not a city boy anymore.
95
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,569
I'm a country old man.
96
00:03:57,197 --> 00:03:59,364
Okay, now once you grow up,
97
00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:02,993
I'm sure you'll be a
decisive, opinionated,
98
00:04:02,994 --> 00:04:06,872
brave, confident leader
just like your daddy,
99
00:04:06,873 --> 00:04:09,208
and once I'm gone,
the only person
100
00:04:09,209 --> 00:04:12,085
who can keep this
place going is you
101
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:16,215
because you're the
only me that's younger.
102
00:04:16,216 --> 00:04:17,759
Does it... does that make sense?
103
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,886
Does it make sense?
104
00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:23,138
We need fresh blood around here.
105
00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,599
We love you, Petey!
106
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,478
Yeah, look at them!
They love you!
107
00:04:31,064 --> 00:04:32,689
Whoa.
108
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,651
Security, there's some
random woman in my office.
109
00:04:35,652 --> 00:04:37,653
Tonight on "Hot
People Over-Sharing
110
00:04:37,654 --> 00:04:39,822
Their Trauma and
Then Kissing"...
111
00:04:39,823 --> 00:04:41,657
My mom got really sick.
112
00:04:41,658 --> 00:04:43,409
My dad exploded.
113
00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:47,371
Wow, a whole town or whatever?
114
00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:49,414
That's a dope inheritance.
Are you gonna take it?
115
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:50,624
No way.
116
00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:52,584
What about my job, my apartment?
117
00:04:52,585 --> 00:04:54,336
And what about Brian?
He can't leave now.
118
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,713
He just got a big raise.
119
00:04:58,216 --> 00:04:59,800
Well, what if you went
out for a little bit?
120
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,218
Just to test it out.
121
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:02,177
You could get to
know about your dad
122
00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,346
and touch a cow.
123
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:06,473
I mean, maybe you'll like
living in the country
124
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,141
and not getting
married to Brian.
125
00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,726
Wait a minute.
What's on your lip?
126
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,061
That?
127
00:05:11,062 --> 00:05:13,272
It's... oh.
- Oh, my God.
128
00:05:13,273 --> 00:05:15,607
A splinter? That means...
129
00:05:15,608 --> 00:05:17,860
Oh, God.
130
00:05:17,861 --> 00:05:21,113
Brian? With my best friend?
131
00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:23,615
- It's not what it looks like.
- This cannot be happening.
132
00:05:23,616 --> 00:05:25,325
You know there's no
good guys in New York.
133
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,452
I mean, what woman
could say no to him?
134
00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:29,998
I am done with both of you.
135
00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,586
My female boss.
136
00:05:35,587 --> 00:05:37,087
We just got the numbers
137
00:05:37,088 --> 00:05:38,839
from the magazine
we published today.
138
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,132
The one on shirt?
139
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:41,466
They're the worst
we've ever had.
140
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,427
Turns out the
answer was jumpsuit.
141
00:05:43,428 --> 00:05:44,803
Ugh, but I said that.
142
00:05:44,804 --> 00:05:46,680
No, you whispered it
under your breath,
143
00:05:46,681 --> 00:05:51,184
then called yourself dumb,
then you did a little shimmy.
144
00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,312
Oof, did I say the
dumb part out loud?
145
00:05:53,313 --> 00:05:56,231
I'm dumb.
146
00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,441
I'm sorry, Petey.
147
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:59,192
We have a zero-tolerance policy
148
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,236
for women calling
themselves dumb.
149
00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:02,362
You're fired.
150
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,699
No!
151
00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,659
My apartment!
152
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,953
Sorry, I knocked
over every candle.
153
00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:11,330
Ugh.
154
00:06:11,331 --> 00:06:13,373
Wait, Petey, stop.
Where are you going?
155
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,541
Taxi!
156
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,377
Taxi to the South!
157
00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,671
I was feeling really sad
158
00:06:19,672 --> 00:06:21,340
after my whole life
literally burned down.
159
00:06:21,341 --> 00:06:23,216
I just needed to
lay low for a while
160
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:26,054
and figure out my next move
in my dead dad's weird town.
161
00:06:28,181 --> 00:06:30,266
Ugh.
162
00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:34,603
Ugh, no service.
163
00:06:34,604 --> 00:06:37,148
This is not New York. Oh!
164
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,943
Uh, I'm walking here.
165
00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:42,862
Oh, ugh.
166
00:06:45,490 --> 00:06:48,701
No, not my tiny shoe.
167
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,085
Hello, hot redneck.
168
00:06:58,086 --> 00:06:59,795
Hello, hot redneck?
169
00:06:59,796 --> 00:07:01,838
- Name's Bandit.
- Could you help me?
170
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:05,008
I'm stuck in this...
This brown cement.
171
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:06,593
I'll save you from
that there mud...
172
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,762
It's called mud...
On one condition.
173
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,138
Uh, okay.
174
00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:12,391
- You turn tail and get.
- I what?
175
00:07:12,392 --> 00:07:14,893
You take that
caboose and vamoose.
176
00:07:14,894 --> 00:07:18,271
A moose and "jaboose." What?
177
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:21,566
I'm saying you better go
back where you came from.
178
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,694
You are being so
mean for no reason.
179
00:07:23,695 --> 00:07:25,153
Don't you know who I am?
180
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:29,241
You are Petey St. Barts,
and I will die on my feet
181
00:07:29,242 --> 00:07:32,077
like a horse before I
let you ruin that town
182
00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:33,578
like your daddy did.
183
00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:35,831
Excuse me, rude hunk,
184
00:07:35,832 --> 00:07:38,333
I can do whatever I
want with that town
185
00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:40,585
because my dad gave
it to me in a video,
186
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:43,630
and I am not gonna
let some uneducated,
187
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:47,634
square state, backwoods
nobody push me around.
188
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:50,971
Wowie, all right
then. Suit yourself.
189
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:52,597
But you should know,
190
00:07:52,598 --> 00:07:54,641
your town has a
little gator problem.
191
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,936
Oh, God.
192
00:07:58,229 --> 00:08:00,564
Please help me.
- Hey, it's your town.
193
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,899
You figure it out.
194
00:08:04,694 --> 00:08:07,571
Okay, fine, I'll
leave on the next bus.
195
00:08:07,572 --> 00:08:09,573
Just help me.
196
00:08:09,574 --> 00:08:11,616
Shake on it?
- Ugh, fine.
197
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:13,076
Just make it quick
and not on my hair.
198
00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:15,245
Oh, no, not what
I was going for.
199
00:08:15,246 --> 00:08:17,205
Ah! Oh.
200
00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:18,374
Gary.
201
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,918
Go get it, Gary!
202
00:08:21,836 --> 00:08:23,587
Mm.
203
00:08:23,588 --> 00:08:26,089
Thank you, but as I
learned in my many years
204
00:08:26,090 --> 00:08:28,216
as a senior assistant
editorial assistant,
205
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,635
that contract is not binding
because I didn't open it
206
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:32,345
on my phone, agree to
terms and conditions
207
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,847
I never read, and
then press okay
208
00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:35,932
to a signature that
looks nothing like mine.
209
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,810
But we spit shook. You snake!
210
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,645
Can you help me get
a ride to my town?
211
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:41,980
Help you?
212
00:08:41,981 --> 00:08:43,581
I wouldn't help you
with a ten-foot pole.
213
00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:46,568
But I'm a Southern gentleman,
214
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,403
so I can't just leave
you out here all alone.
215
00:08:48,404 --> 00:08:50,239
So what do we do?
216
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,366
Ugh, oh.
217
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,243
Ugh.
218
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,537
Will you at least tell
me why you hate me?
219
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,458
Hydrangea, you hear something?
220
00:09:03,002 --> 00:09:04,878
What... what? Oh, oh, my God.
221
00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:06,547
Oh, my God. Oh!
222
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:20,936
And honestly, New Yorkers
never talk to our neighbors,
223
00:09:20,937 --> 00:09:22,354
so you won't even know I'm here.
224
00:09:22,355 --> 00:09:24,982
I'm thinking they already do.
225
00:09:29,529 --> 00:09:32,906
Wow, talk about
Southern hospitality.
226
00:09:32,907 --> 00:09:34,241
Right, Bandit?
227
00:09:34,242 --> 00:09:35,284
Ugh.
228
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:43,083
Uh... Hi, I'm...
229
00:09:43,084 --> 00:09:45,877
The spitting image
of your daddy.
230
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,630
Welcome to the New Utopia Inn.
231
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,048
Mm.
232
00:09:50,049 --> 00:09:52,926
I've been waiting
on you for so long.
233
00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:56,263
This day... oh, this day.
234
00:09:56,264 --> 00:09:59,474
Um, so who are you?
235
00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:01,059
I'm Mae Mae.
236
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:03,979
I was your father's right
hand until the day he died.
237
00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:05,605
His right hand, perfect.
238
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,357
So you'll be able to
answer all my questions.
239
00:10:07,358 --> 00:10:11,903
This town has no
questions, only answers.
240
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:13,446
That was not an answer.
241
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,699
Oh, look at your broken heel.
242
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,951
Let's get that fixed up.
243
00:10:17,952 --> 00:10:21,663
Emmett, will you take good,
long care of this shoe?
244
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:24,666
I take good, long
care of every shoe.
245
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,377
- Emmett, neutral statement.
- Ugh!
246
00:10:27,378 --> 00:10:28,962
Let's get you to
your father's room
247
00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:30,547
so you can take a shower.
- God, yes.
248
00:10:30,548 --> 00:10:33,466
I would love a shower.
249
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:38,513
- ♪ Ha, da, doo, da ♪
- Oh, ah, that's so nice.
250
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,558
Thank you, thank you.
- ♪ Nah, nah, nay ♪
251
00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,102
Not the weirdest
shower I've ever had.
252
00:10:43,978 --> 00:10:45,270
Ooh.
253
00:10:45,271 --> 00:10:48,106
It's so fun having a leader back
254
00:10:48,107 --> 00:10:49,983
'Cause I help the leader.
255
00:10:49,984 --> 00:10:53,153
Anything I can ever do
for you, you just holler.
256
00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:56,239
And I mean anything.
257
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,325
Honestly, this day
has been a lot.
258
00:10:58,326 --> 00:11:00,118
I could use a
drink in a fun way,
259
00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:02,622
not in any other way.
- We have drink!
260
00:11:04,415 --> 00:11:05,790
Ooh.
261
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,959
Welcome to the Filthy Pecker.
262
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,045
Over there is the jukebox,
263
00:11:10,046 --> 00:11:12,881
and back there is where
men punch fight to music.
264
00:11:12,882 --> 00:11:16,635
Up there's Big Judy,
and right there's Eliza,
265
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:19,221
proprietress of this
fine establishment.
266
00:11:19,222 --> 00:11:20,639
Hey!
267
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,432
She'll make you the
finest pickleback
268
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:24,100
this side of the Chattahoochee.
269
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:26,478
Thank you. What was
your name again?
270
00:11:26,479 --> 00:11:30,232
- I'm working actor Alan Tudyk.
- Who?
271
00:11:30,233 --> 00:11:33,526
I'm the chicken in "Moana."
272
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:36,071
Cool. What are you
doing out here?
273
00:11:36,072 --> 00:11:38,198
I took a workshop out here once.
274
00:11:38,199 --> 00:11:39,991
Really fell in love
with the place.
275
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:42,410
All it needs is
some fresh blood.
276
00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,788
Young people, alcohol,
277
00:11:44,789 --> 00:11:47,040
a random slightly famous person.
278
00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:48,750
These are all the
signs of a good party.
279
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:51,878
Wait, is this place fun?
280
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,296
Ooh.
281
00:11:53,297 --> 00:11:55,173
I thought I told you to get.
282
00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:58,385
So you're mean to me
but nice to old ladies.
283
00:11:58,386 --> 00:12:00,262
Random.
284
00:12:00,263 --> 00:12:02,013
Is your body wearing a necklace?
285
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:05,141
Oh, it's a belly chain,
a timeless fashion.
286
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,894
That's kinda... I...
I've never seen that.
287
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,689
It looks... bail.
288
00:12:10,690 --> 00:12:12,275
Okay.
289
00:12:14,819 --> 00:12:17,070
What is it about a hot guy
290
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:20,615
being nice to an old lady
that is so [bleep] hot?
291
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,784
Yeah, good.
292
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:25,704
Eh, maybe I'm just horny and
upset because my ex-fiancé
293
00:12:25,705 --> 00:12:27,372
cheated on me with
my best friend.
294
00:12:27,373 --> 00:12:29,332
Weird instant
overshare. I like it.
295
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,084
I'm Eliza.
- I'm Petey.
296
00:12:31,085 --> 00:12:33,086
And I am loving your bar.
297
00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:35,130
It's almost good
enough to be in NYC.
298
00:12:35,131 --> 00:12:37,799
Thanks, I poured my heart
and soul into this place
299
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:41,136
ever since my last
relationship ended a year ago.
300
00:12:41,137 --> 00:12:43,930
Oh, my God, I'm just out
of a relationship too.
301
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,474
We have so much in
common. Let me guess.
302
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:49,520
Another woman?
- Uh, yeah, you could say that.
303
00:12:51,731 --> 00:12:54,024
It just feels like
my whole life,
304
00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:56,067
every decision was made for me,
305
00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:58,320
either by the culture
or some older person
306
00:12:58,321 --> 00:13:00,905
who's in charge of me.
- Same here.
307
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:04,409
Ugh, listen to us sharing our
heartbreaks on first meeting.
308
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:06,619
We sound like an episode of
"Hot People Over-Sharing...
309
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,579
"Their Traumas
310
00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:08,830
and Then Kissing"!
311
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,248
- You watch that show?
- Oh, my God.
312
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:12,792
I never miss it.
- You feel this, right?
313
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,211
- Your ice-cold grip?
- Our friendship spark.
314
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:17,672
We're gonna be best
friends. I can tell.
315
00:13:17,673 --> 00:13:20,967
I do feel it, but are we
getting too close too fast?
316
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,469
Um, probably not.
317
00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:24,346
Look, my whole thing
with coming out here
318
00:13:24,347 --> 00:13:27,015
is to bring this town into
20-whatever year it is.
319
00:13:27,016 --> 00:13:28,351
Is there anything I should know?
320
00:13:29,477 --> 00:13:31,478
Listen, a lot of
people around here
321
00:13:31,479 --> 00:13:33,271
will be fake with you
because of who your dad was.
322
00:13:33,272 --> 00:13:34,731
Not me.
323
00:13:34,732 --> 00:13:36,941
If you need someone to
talk to who's normal,
324
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:39,527
come find me, and if anyone
tells you they're normal,
325
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,696
don't trust them.
326
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:45,700
What is this?
327
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:47,077
That there is pool darts.
328
00:13:47,078 --> 00:13:48,661
Simplest game on the books,
329
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,330
unless you're city
folk, of course.
330
00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:53,041
Uh, I was an assistant
at "Money Girl" magazine,
331
00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:55,919
so I'm pretty sure I
could figure it out.
332
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,921
- Want to bet?
- Name your terms.
333
00:13:57,922 --> 00:14:00,256
If I win, you have
to leave town.
334
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,467
And if I win, you
have to kiss me.
335
00:14:02,468 --> 00:14:04,428
Deal.
336
00:14:06,931 --> 00:14:09,682
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
337
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,895
♪ Oh, come on, what
are you waiting for? ♪
338
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:20,902
Beginner's luck.
339
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,487
Pay up, loser.
340
00:14:22,488 --> 00:14:25,532
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
341
00:14:25,533 --> 00:14:29,285
♪ 'Cause you got everything
that I've been dreaming of ♪
342
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:31,913
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
343
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,915
♪ Oh, come on, what
are you waiting for? ♪
344
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,917
Get it!
345
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,336
- Why are we clapping?
- Because they're kissing.
346
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:40,255
Come on.
347
00:14:40,256 --> 00:14:42,507
- I can't do this.
- Why not?
348
00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:44,509
Because your dad ran a cult.
349
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,719
What? No, he didn't.
350
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,889
I grew up with your
dad, and it was hell.
351
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:53,017
Once he died, I thought it was
safe to come back and rebuild.
352
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:55,103
You being here ruins all that.
353
00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:56,604
Well, I can make it better.
354
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,231
You being here
means the prophecy
355
00:14:58,232 --> 00:15:00,441
of the great daughter's
return is fulfilled.
356
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,152
That's why I wanted
you to leave.
357
00:15:02,153 --> 00:15:04,404
I thought you were being mean
to me because you liked me.
358
00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:07,699
- Who would do that?
- This is not a cult.
359
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,367
It just needs a
little fresh blood.
360
00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:11,161
Oh, yes!
361
00:15:11,162 --> 00:15:12,495
Oh, here we go. Thank you.
362
00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:13,872
Ooh, it's cold.
363
00:15:13,873 --> 00:15:16,791
Fresh blood, fresh blood.
364
00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,627
Fresh blood...
- Ooh, looks sharp.
365
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:25,508
What the [bleep]?
366
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:28,637
This is what a
feminist dies like.
367
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,018
Sweetie, what's wrong?
368
00:15:35,019 --> 00:15:36,853
They killed Alan Tudyk.
369
00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:38,563
He's good in everything.
370
00:15:38,564 --> 00:15:42,066
He's like a boy Judy
Greer, and they killed him
371
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:44,612
for me.
372
00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:47,155
Oh, I'm sorry.
373
00:15:47,156 --> 00:15:48,698
I guess I should have
warned you better.
374
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:50,200
It was your father's teaching
375
00:15:50,201 --> 00:15:52,368
that, on the night of the
great daughter's return,
376
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:55,121
we kill a character
actor. It's tradition.
377
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,957
You people are [bleep] crazy.
378
00:15:57,958 --> 00:16:00,460
Give me my shoes.
I need to leave.
379
00:16:00,461 --> 00:16:03,504
Sorry, your shoes
aren't ready yet.
380
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,090
Even the shoe guy was fake?
381
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:09,011
Taxi! Taxi!
382
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:13,056
What is wrong with my hand?
383
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:15,099
Please, Petra, you can't leave.
384
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,060
We need you here so
the comet will return.
385
00:16:17,061 --> 00:16:19,354
Oh, God, it's a space cult?
386
00:16:19,355 --> 00:16:20,396
Ugh, of course.
387
00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,148
Boomers love space.
388
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:25,068
Emmett, the emergency
combination TV/VCR!
389
00:16:25,069 --> 00:16:27,278
Uh, what is this?
390
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,197
Your father will explain.
391
00:16:29,198 --> 00:16:31,366
If you're watching this tape,
392
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:33,660
it means you've gotten
a little spooked
393
00:16:33,661 --> 00:16:36,913
after witnessing your
first human sacrifice.
394
00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:39,290
Hell, I wouldn't blame you
for running for the hills,
395
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:42,543
but you're still
here. Why is that?
396
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:45,713
Maybe it's because your
shoe is still in the shop,
397
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:48,591
or maybe, just maybe,
398
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:51,177
it's because, despite
the unfamiliar,
399
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,721
bizarre, and occasionally
horrifying sights
400
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:55,765
you've seen today,
you can't help
401
00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:58,309
but feel connected
to this place.
402
00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,979
I'm trusting you with it, Petey.
403
00:17:00,980 --> 00:17:03,231
Whatever you want
to be different,
404
00:17:03,232 --> 00:17:04,649
you can change.
405
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:08,027
New Utopia needs
you, and deep down,
406
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:11,614
I think you need New Utopia too.
407
00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:14,033
P.S., who got
sacrificed tonight?
408
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:17,120
Who was it? I love
show business gossip.
409
00:17:17,121 --> 00:17:18,830
Was it Helen Hunt? Was it?
410
00:17:18,831 --> 00:17:21,750
God, she'd be such a great get!
411
00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:25,920
Well, Petey, will you accept
your father's gift to you?
412
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:28,214
But the gift is a cult.
413
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,341
What isn't a cult?
414
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:32,635
You wear your
LurlyLimon leggings
415
00:17:32,636 --> 00:17:34,554
to yoga class where
you hurt your body
416
00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:36,556
to impress the tiny lady.
417
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:38,641
You get your hair
done exactly the same
418
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:41,019
as the most powerful
girl at work.
419
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,813
You do everything your
therapist tells you to do.
420
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:46,149
Our comet's cult-y?
421
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:48,318
How about you
won't buy a printer
422
00:17:48,319 --> 00:17:50,653
during mercury in retrograde?
423
00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:52,280
You're right.
424
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:56,034
My life in New York was as
big a cult as this cult.
425
00:17:56,035 --> 00:17:58,369
You could go home
and keep muttering
426
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,413
your genius ideas
under your breath
427
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:01,956
for the rest of your life,
428
00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:04,834
or you could stay here
429
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,420
and say them out loud.
430
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,214
I do have good ideas.
431
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,383
I should be the boss.
432
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,761
Oh, my God, I said what I mean,
433
00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:16,512
and I'm not doing a
self-deprecating shimmy
434
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,930
to undercut it.
435
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,184
I'll advise you just like
I did for your daddy,
436
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:23,436
and I admit, we do
need to modernize
437
00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:26,272
and get a little more
young people around here.
438
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,982
I don't even know who the
"Euphoria" generation's
439
00:18:27,983 --> 00:18:29,567
Alan Tudyk is.
440
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:31,444
Is it Lukas Gage?
Beanie Feldstein?
441
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:33,071
It's Evan Peters, isn't it?
442
00:18:33,072 --> 00:18:34,656
Evan Peters is 36.
443
00:18:34,657 --> 00:18:35,740
Wait, really?
444
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:38,159
Aw, I know today was a lot,
445
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,037
but it's just how we
say, "I love you."
446
00:18:41,038 --> 00:18:43,289
And you're not used
to hearing that,
447
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,917
especially not from your mom.
448
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:49,213
So will you stay, Petey?
449
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:58,013
Bring forth the
ceremonial dagger.
450
00:19:03,602 --> 00:19:07,980
Bring forth the ceremonial
boo-boo sticker.
451
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,525
All praise the great daughter!
452
00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:12,485
Praise Petey!
453
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:16,739
Sweetest, dearest,
loveliest Petra,
454
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:20,076
what shall be your first decree?
455
00:19:20,077 --> 00:19:22,204
No more human sacrifice.
456
00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:25,707
Okay.
457
00:19:25,708 --> 00:19:28,042
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
458
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,211
We're not wearing
kaftans anymore.
459
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,880
We're wearing jumpsuits.
460
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,550
Jumpsuits!
461
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,348
No human sacrifice?
462
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,100
But that's a pillar
of our faith.
463
00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:46,227
I know, Emmett,
you [bleep] weenie!
464
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,813
Hey, neutral statement!
465
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:52,233
As long as she's here, we're
fulfilling the prophecy,
466
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,819
but she can never leave.
467
00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,904
Well, my dead
ex-husband's daughter
468
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,282
who is now my BFF just
took over the cult
469
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:00,450
I'm a member of.
470
00:20:00,451 --> 00:20:02,201
This ends well, yeah?
471
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:05,663
One way or another,
I'm gonna stop her...
472
00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:07,583
and at some point, I'll
probably [bleep] her.
473
00:20:10,002 --> 00:20:11,961
Wow, I guess I'm
a cult leader now.
474
00:20:11,962 --> 00:20:13,880
I'm still not sure
how I feel about it.
475
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:15,673
It's like I got
promoted to she-E-O
476
00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:19,010
of a super toxic corporation,
hey, but I'm in charge now,
477
00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:21,053
so I can make things better.
478
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,889
Also, I could find
out more about my dad
479
00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:25,349
and maybe impress my mom.
480
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,101
Gee, been up here for a while.
481
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,978
Hope they put me down soon.
482
00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:31,355
How big is this cult?
483
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,816
Wow, I've learned a lot today,
484
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,277
like that Evan Peters is 36.
485
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,904
That seems wrong.
486
00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:40,364
I should remember to google
how old Evan Peters is.
487
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:43,659
Wow, I'm going really far.
488
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:46,621
I wonder which celebrities
I can get to join the cult.
489
00:20:46,622 --> 00:20:48,998
Oh, I bet I could
get Frankie Jonas,
490
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:50,917
or Frankie Grande.
491
00:20:50,918 --> 00:20:52,377
Definitely someone
from Freeform.
35601
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