All language subtitles for Happy.Endings.S03E23.HDTV.AFG.en

(Brad, Max, and Dave)
(High-pitched voices) Boop. Bop.

Okay, I don't want
to overstate this,

but these have to be
the best wedding gift bags ever.

It's gonna be hard to beat
Gwyneth Paltrow's wedding.

I heard they gave away
beautiful charcoal drawings

- of Gwyneth Paltrow.
- Ooh.

I can't believe
Brooke's getting married.

We've never even met
this Elliot guy.

I can't believe Jane and Alex
have an older sister.

I mean, we never see her,
never talk about her,

she never shows up
in any of your flashbacks.

Flashbacks?

That's what Jane and Alex call
their photo albums.

God, Penny. Know what things
are called for once.

Trust me, Brooke is very real.

She has a perfect job
in Hong Kong.

Her hair smells like a perfect
beach made of cinnamon.

She is perfect.

And as maid of honor,
I need this wedding to be--

say it with me--

(Brad, Jane, Penny, and Dave) - Perfect.
(Alex) - Pearl Harbor.

Pearl Harbor! 'Cause we want
this wedding to be da bomb!

- Just like that Michael Bay movie
"Armageddon." - What?

Jane, you're acting extra nuts,
and I'm not talking about

"mistaking the teaspoon with
the tablespoon" kinda nuts.

I'm talking about "Mel Gibson
downing a 5-hour energy

and by accident showing up
at a Bar Mitzvah" kinda nuts.

Brooke makes Jane crazy.
She out-Janes Jane.

She shows up, becomes the Jane,

Jane gets bumped down
to Alex's level.

And I just stay the baby.

Look what Brooke got me so I
wouldn't be jealous of her ring.

Oh, a little suck candy.

I'm just glad I got invited.

Like, I've known Brooke
my whole life

and looked up to her,

but I didn't know
that she would remember me.

She doesn't.
You and Max are my plus-twos

and you're gonna have to park
some cars.

(Whines) Jane!

Babe, everything's gonna
be fine, all right?

I'll be right by your side.

I'll even let
your racist cousins ask me

if I know Blair Underwood.

(Laughs)

Like... like all black people
are friends are somethin'.

(Laughs) I mean, come on!

God, I wish I was friends
with Blair Underwood.

(Oven timer ringing)
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

(Ringing stops)
My clay beads are ready!

How many of you cool cats
wanna help me crank out

a few necklaces?

Ohh! Oh, my goodness.

Yes, oh, my goodness. (Sniffs)

I'm working with some polymers
right...

Hey. What the...

Alex, I can see you hiding.

Can you still see me?

Yes. Even more now.

Fine!

Nice try, though.

So... (Sighs)

(Thud)

When are we gonna tell everybody
about the thing?

What thing?

The thing about
how we broke up.

Oh, right.

(Thud) That thing.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
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Wow.

So this is really happening.

We're breaking up.

Yeah, when you say it out loud
like that,

it just really sinks in.

Like when I found out
Gossip Girl was a guy.

(Sighs) Totally.

So we both agree,
we don't tell everyone

until after
your sister's wedding, right?

Yeah, it would be too much
of a distraction.

(Sighs) Plus,
my family is so gossipy

and they always
get the story wrong.

Remember that one time you said
you like Sinead O'Connor,

and by the time
it got back to us,

you were teaching Wicca
at a women's college?

You were the only one
that I told.

Exactly.

Strength, courage, composure,
no carbs.

Strength, courage,
composure, no carbs.

(Doorbell rings)
(Exhales) Uh-huh.

Here we go.

Hi, Brooke.

- Jane.
- Ohh!

Welcome to my home!

Thank you.

And you must be Black... Elliot.

Black Elliot?

Yes. That's just a nickname that
we'll stop using immediately.

(Chuckles) Thank you for
having us to your home, Jane.

- Have you been renovating?
- Hmm?

Because it looks like
everything's covered

with a thin layer of dust.

- Oh! (Laughs)
- Ah.

Good catch. Yeah, I must've
just cleaned thoroughly

instead of compulsively.

- Brooke!
- Hello.

- Gimme some love, girl.
(Chuckles) - Nice to see you.

So good to see you.
(Chuckles)

And look what you brought home.

- Mmm!
- Ah. (Chuckles)

An Elliot.

- Hello, everyone.
(Alex) - Hi!

Ah. Finally, another Elliot.

(Laughs) Yeah.

I haven't hung out with another
Elliot in, like, two years, man.

- Mm.
(Chuckles) - Bring it in.

(Speaks indistinctly) (Laughs)

(Inhales deeply)
Uh-oh.

You know, he even smells like
an Elliot.

Ah. Yeah. (Chuckles)
(Laughs)

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, this is good.

- Hey, yo, E.
- Mm?

- Can I ask you a question, man?
(Chuckles) - What's up?

(Stomps feet) Can I ask you
a little somethin' somethin'?

Please do.
(Laughs)

What we be sayin'
when they ain't around?

I said, I said...

(High-pitched voice) what we be
sayin' when they ain't around?

White people be crazy?

Yeah, they do!

(Laughing) (Laughs)

Aah! I knew you gon' know!

(Laughs) They do be crazy,
though!

- Some do.
- Y'all do.

(Forced laugh) (Laughs) Ah!

Yeah, let's get you a drink,
my Elliot.

- All right, I'm with that.
- Brooke!

- Little sis!
- Hey!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

(Gasps) - What'd you bring me?
What'd you bring me? - Oh!

Chinese rice candy.
You can eat the wrapper!

Shut up!

That'll save me so much time.

I love you, sis.

I love you, too.

(Penny) - Hey, girl!
(Alex) - Yay.

Uh, hi, I'm Brooke Kerkovich.

It's an...
(Laughs)

Hi. Okay.

- Oh! (Laughs)
- Brooke, Penny Hartz!

(Giggles) I slept over
at your house a lot.

Oh, I wrote that paper on you
in seventh grade.

Oh! You hit me with your car,

and I had to wear a leg brace
all summer.

Oh, yes. That's right.
What leg was that again?

(Giggles) The left.

No. Sorry, I'm thinking
of someone else.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I was thinking
of someone else, too.

So much blonde.

(Plastic crinkles)
(Mouth full) Hold on. Sit down.

(Lowered voice) - She's an odd one.
- Yes.

So have you talked to dad?

I can't believe
he threw his back out.

He's immobilized.
He's not coming to the wedding.

(Grunts) Should we postpone?

Postpone? At this stage?

(Scoffs) Jane, is that a joke?

Yep.

(Laughs)

So... how are
the rehearsal dinner plans?

Perfect. Everything is done
to your specifications.

- Where's mom sitting?
- Away from the band,

so she doesn't try to join them
for a song.

- Flowers?
- Hypoallergenic.

All tears should be caused
by the bride's glory.

- Kids' table?
- There isn't one.

Children should be seen
and not heard and also not seen.

Good.

(Gasps)

Ah.

Hi, mom!

Well, hi, sweetie.

(Laughs) - Oh.
- Hey, Janie!

Hey, dad. How you feeling?

Amazing.
Have you guys seen

"Night At The Museum,
Battle Of The Smithsonian"?

Because it is a masterstroke.

Your dad's on a lot
of fancy pills right now.

He's really not himself.

Hey, Barb, take me for a spin.

Show me what the hell else
I'm paying for in this joint.

- Yep, he's still pretty much himself.
- Yeah.

Are there possibly
any other rooms available

- for this weekend?
(Woman) - Let me see what I have.

Why do you need another room?

Oh. Uh...

you know,
'cause Dave and I just...

have so much sex that we need
a cooldown room.

Okay, nobody has that much sex.

Who do you think you are,
the Fonz?

(Laughs)

Okay, fine.
Dave and I broke up last week.

Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
Are you okay?

Yeah. I think.
I don't know.

Oh! Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

Well, we were talking about
Brooke's wedding

and then we got locked
in our bedroom.

- Again?
- It's a old building.

The doors expand, the wood
separates, and we're idiots!

(Door rattles)

I can't believe Brooke's
marrying this Elliot guy

after only, like, a year.

It's kind of fast, right?

Well, they both dated a lot
of people before they met.

So when they met each other,
they just knew.

Like when I met
the bloomin onion, I just knew.

Well, we never really dated
anybody else.

I'll check the bathroom window.

(Scoffs) What--
what do you mean?

I mean, we dated other people
during our break. (Door closes)

Well, I didn't really date.

I would call it a series of
mind-blowing sexual experiences

with a lot of beautiful women.

What about you?

Yeah, I had one guy, like,
feel me up.

What?! It's fine.

Over or under the bra?
Whatever! (Slaps thighs)

Was he quick with the clasp?
Doesn't matter, David.

I guess we didn't really have
a true break.

We're basically each other's
rebound relationship.

- What are you saying? - I don't know,
I mean, Brooke and Elliot knew

that they were right
for each other

'cause they both had
other real relationships.

This window's still jammed.

Let's-- let's try
the bedroom door again.

(Door rattles) Oh, come on!

See, Dave? This is why

I don't shut the bathroom door
when I'm in here.

Wow. I am floored.

- So-- - Shh! Okay, Dave and I swore
that we wouldn't tell anyone

until after the wedding.

(Penny and Alex) Hey!

(Max and Dave) Hey!

Hey... back up a sec.

This is huge.

Alex just lets it rage
with the bathroom door open?

(Blows air) Baller move!

Max.

Sorry. I guess
I just got used to

you two dummies being
back together.

- You okay?
- Yeah. I guess.

In a way, it was kinda good.

You know, being locked
in that room for a couple hours

really forced us to finally
deal with our stuff.

So are we really doing this?

Yeah, I guess so.

It sucks but it feels right.

You don't regret getting
back together, do you?

No. Of course not.

(Whispers) Okay.

I would've regretted
if we stayed together

just because of momentum.

Oh, then we'd be right back
where we started.

I don't want to
go through that again.

I don't even know

where I'd find a guy
who wears rollerblades anymore.

Too soon.

(Laughs)

Let's get out of here.

- Yep.
- I mean, really.

(Door rattles) (Gasps)

- Oh!
- What?

Seriously? Come on!

Why'd we close this door
anyway?

It felt right!

You're right. It did.
(Door rattles)

As promised,
your perfect rehearsal dinner.

Is this seating chart
laminated?

Yep. I got my own machine.
No big.

I did splurge
for the newest model.

I'll stop bragging.

Oh, yeah, I'm a card-carrying
member of the lami-nation.

We even have
our own constitution,

which can't we amend...
'cause it's laminated.

(Laughs)

Isn't laminating just a bit... tacky?

W-w--

what about for spills
and stuff?

How about instead of
protecting it from spills,

we just don't spill, right?

Yeah. Yes.

That's a good idea. You--
good note, Brooke!

(Chuckles)

(Under breath)
Lamination, Jane?

Why don't you just cover it
in glitter,

you... (Whispers) cheap whore?

Hello, gay sir.

Hello, Countess Vonboobs.

I have a secret,
but I shan't be telling you.

I have a secret as well,

and it's a real doozie kurtz.

My secret's so big,
just the tip will be enough.

Yes, well, is your secret
bigger than the fact

that Alex and Dave broke up?

Damn it, Max! Come on.

That was my secret, too!
Damn it, Penny!

Why do people tell us stuff?

Did I hear you say that
Alex and Dave are breaking up?

I'm sorry.
I'm Alex's second cousin Sherry.

(Laughs) No. Actually,
we did not say that.

I think you might've
heard wrong.

Y-you see, Sherry...
(Chuckles)

Alex and Dave are not so much
breaking up as they are

- breaking... ground.
- Breaking... ground.

Ground on an addition
on their home.

Are they starting a family?

Because I knew
that I heard someone

talking about a pregnancy
in the bathroom.

(Penny and Max) Mnh.
Sherry, I gotta tell ya...

- No.
- You're on the nose here.

(Chuckles) Detective work
is great. Sherlock Sherry.

They're pregnant.
Super preggers.

Sperm has fertilized the egg.

Right now, her uterus is
creating a nutrient-rich lining

to house and protect
the young fetus.

But do me a favor, Sher Bear?

Why don't we just
keep this a secret

between the three of us, huh?

(Indistinct conversations)

Great.

Turn it and throw it away.

(Whispers) How could you start
a rumor like that?!

And how do you know so much
about uteruses?

Uteri. You're a woman.

You should know which part
of the butt the baby comes from.

Look, this secret cannot
get out.

And right now, I'm feeling
a lot of heat in our direction.

(Exhales, whispers) Okay.

We need to deflect it.
Change the news cycle.

- I was sniffin' what you were whiffin'.
- Penny, don't.

(Scoffs) Look at him.

Elliot's got it so easy...
(Men laugh)

because of all the work I did.

I put up with
all their weird questions

and made them feel comfortable
around a black guy.

Oh, my God.

I'm the Jackie Robinson
of the Kerkovich family.

Sure. That's not a leap
at all.

I broke down barriers, okay?

And Elliot should have to
go through what I did.

Actually, the true legacy
of Jackie Robinson

is that Elliot shouldn't have to
go through what you did.

I believe it was Medgar Evers
who once said--

Dude, we get it.
You minored in black history.

Afro-American studies.

And I am offended by your use
of the term "minor."

Now is not the time, man!

(Slurps)

(Clear throat, gags)

All right, Dr. Berg,

I know you delivered
every child in this family,

but you're in the wrong seat.

So I'm gonna need you to
make like George Clinton

and get the funk outta here.

- Jane.
- Yeah?

Why are you freaking out
on Dr. B?

Because I put everyone
in the wrong place

because the seating chart
is ruined.

- What?
- I had to unlaminate it,

and then I got
those weird sweats

that I only get
when Brooke's around.

Well, that explains
why mom ended up by the band.

- ♪ Oh, when the saints ♪
- Keep me out of this.

- ♪ Go marching in ♪
- Not happening.

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching... ♪

No.

(Whispers) Oh, God.
(Mouths word)

♪ I wanna be there
in that number ♪

♪ when the saints
go marching in ♪

Hallelujah!

So...
(Gasps)

the seating is a complete mess,

and I'm pretty sure that woman
doesn't even belong here.

You bought me
my first maxi pad. Aw!

(Whispers indistinctly)
Jane, it's very clear to me

that the pressure is
getting to you,

and I think we need to give you
a simpler task.

Let go. Let go.

(Paper thuds)

Instead of helping me
get ready tomorrow,

I think it would be better
if you handed out programs.

- And you...
- Yeah?

- ...are doing a wonderful job.
(Barb, off-key) - ♪ saints go... ♪

Oh! (Chuckles) Thank you.

♪ Marching in ♪

Y-you-- yeah, that's a good plan.
(Scoffs)

(Clears throat)
Aw, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

- I'm good.
- Okay.

I'm really good. Yeah.

- I gotta-- actually, I gotta check on...
- Okay.

The... thing in the...
(String quartet playing)

All right.
Okay, big boy, let's go.

(Strained voice) Let's go!

Are you serious?
Elliot knows Blair Underwood?

- Oh, yeah.
(Whispers) - Wow.

And he loves it
when people ask him about it.

- Oh!
(Singsongy) - Here he comes.

Hey, Elliot.
You know Blair Underwood?

(High-pitched voice)
What? What?!

Oh! (Scoffs, gasps)

What? What?! He-- ah!

(Whispers) Oh, my gosh!

(Normal voice)
Like all black people

are just supposed to know
Blair Underwood, huh?

Uh...
actually, I do know Blair.

He's a great guy.

He's a spokesman
for a charity I work with.

Wow! That is very impressive,
Elliot.

(Chuckles) The stories
you must have, huh?

What? No!
(Elliot laughs)

The-- stories are stupid!

I'm impressive!

I'm Jackie Robinson!

♪

(Slurps)

So, Alex... drinking, huh?

In your condition?
Isn't that--

Uh, acceptable in Europe?
Yes.

How very French of you, Alex.

I guess it is.

Ooh, la la! Pepe le pew!
French Stewart!

And, Alex,
how are your cravings?

Insane. Totally insane.

Thank you for asking.

Um, this rarely happens.

I feel like
I'm missing something.

Like that time that everybody
turned on linen pants

all of a sudden.

(High-pitched voice)
No. No. No.

No, I don't, uh--

uh...

Okay, what are we gonna do?

We need to change
the news cycle again.

(Gasps) I have an idea.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hmm?

Scuttle your butt
on over here, Sher.

I got some grade-A goss,

but you have it keep it
a secret. Okay?

Jane and Brad are on the rocks.

You tastin' what I'm wastin'?

Pen, come on.

Just... just don't tell anybody.

Oh! Your secret's safe
with me.

(Lowered voice)
This better work, Max.

(Max, lowered voice)
Give it time. Give it time.

(All whispering indistinctly)

♪

(Lowered voice)
So this is hush-hush,

but Brad and Jane are divorcing
because Brad has a love child.

Wow. That was fast.

They really took it and ran.

Yeah, but you know what I liked?
They really made it their own.

Hello.

Do not fold that!
It's not garbage.

It's a guide
to your magical afternoon.

Hey, um, so Brooke heard

that you were making people
feel uncomfortable.

So she thought it'd be better

if you just let the podium
do your job.

(Mutters) The podium?

Sorry, Jane. I just--
I lucked out that, you know,

I was born for this whole
flower girl gig.

Yeah...
(Indistinct conversations)

It's not at all how or when
you're supposed to do that.

(Man) Brooke, Elliot,
we've reached the big moment.

Elliot, do you take Brooke to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

(Lowered voice) Ohh.
No, no, no, no.

(Man) And do you, Brooke,
take Elliot to be...

(Flames whoosh)
...your lawfully wedded husband?

- No!
(Whispers) - What?!

No, no, not them.
There is a fire,

- and... programs are on fire.
(Men) - Whoa!

(Alex gasps) Everyone stay here.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.

(Nasal voice) I'm
a volunteer firefighter.

(Normal voice) Keep reading us
your resume, dude.

(Hissing)

Dave, get Alex out of here.

The fumes are bad for the baby.

Hey! I know I'm the baby of
the family, but I'm a big girl!

If I can get through
a corn maze,

I can get out of here.

No, the baby you're having.

(Alex, Jane, Brad, and Dave) What?
(Guests gasp)

No, it's Brad and Jane
that are having the baby.

(Alex, Jane, and Brad) What?!
(Guests gasp)

No! It's a love child that
Brad has with some floozy.

- That's why they're getting divorced.
(High-pitched voice) - What?!

(Guests gasp) (Alex and
Jane, clenched teeth) What?

I'm not having a love child!

Well, then who's breaking up?

Dave and I are.

- What?
(Guests) - Ohh.

I know. I...

We should've told
all of you sooner, but...

I have no idea where
these other stories came from.

Max and Penny told us.

Ahh. Ah.

- Okay, well...
- Right.

Look, I'm sorry.

I had to change the news cycle,

like how I told everyone
Penny was 53.

Oh, come on!
No gasps on that?!

Well, then who did I overhear

talking about a baby
in the bathroom?

I know it's a Kerkovich girl.

- It wasn't me.
- It was not me.

It's me. All right?
(Guests gasp)

I'm pregnant.

(Sprinklers hiss,
water spraying)

(Guests screaming)

Aah!

(Loudly) Brooke,
the ceremony was lovely!

Who are you?

(Light jazz playing)

How you holding up?

Well, my shotgun wedding
got soaked.

Yeah.

(Inhales deeply)

Look, I know you think
I'm perfect,

but I'm actually not.

Happy?

No.

Yes. Very much.

I know I've always been
a little bit hard on you,

but it's because I knew
how much potential you had.

I knew you could be great.

Maybe even better than me.

(Scoffs)

That's why
I had to destroy you.

(Laughs)
That is the nicest thing

you have ever said to me.

- Well, you deserve it.
- Hmm.

Plus, you only sort of ruined
my wedding.

Max and Penny really ruined it.

She remembered me!

(Laughs) Yes!

Oh!
(Tray clatters)

(Thud)

(Indistinct conversations)

Again, I'm so happy for you.

Hey, yo, E.

Hey, man.

(Exhales) Um...

(Clears throat) listen,
I just wanna let you know

that I'm really happy
to have you in the family.

Oh, thanks.

And look, I know you being here
first did make it easier for me.

Well... although, now that you've

knocked up a Kerkovich daughter
out of wedlock...

(Exhales sharply) you're
gonna have it plenty rough.

- Yeah.
- So I'm here for you, man.

- Brother-in-law.
- Brothers-in-law.

Elliot, we need to talk.

Ohh!

(Stomps feet) You in trouble!

(Laughs)

Do it, girl.

Congratulations, Elliot.
Our first grandchild.

Barb and I are thrilled!

It sure is taking Brad
long enough.

It makes you wonder
what's wrong with his stuff.

(High-pitched voice)
My stuff is fine!

Don't worry about my stuff!

I'm sure his stuff if okay.

It's excellent!

(Feedback whines) Aw, yeah!

This one goes out to
the baby mamas,

the not baby mamas,
the couples, the fake couples,

the brothers, the sisters,

and one handsome genius that
took a single loving peen pic

with every disposable camera
in this room.

(Taps button)

Congratulations,
Brooke and Elliot!

♪

So apparently you're having
a love child with some tramp.

Boo, the only tramp I'm ever
gonna put a love child in

is you.

Aw!

That is gonna be so fun.

(Laughs) (Laughs)

- As long as it's better than
Brooke and Elliot's. - Yes.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm!

(Stevie Wonder) ♪ I can go
where life takes me ♪

How ya doin'?

I'm good.

♪ For once I can say ♪

Hey, you know, we're officially
on the market now. (Chuckles)

How about I find you
a dance partner?

- Her?
- Ooh.

No? (Chuckles)

(Gasps) Or her?

She has clearly... (Singsongy)
got grind on the mind.

♪ You ♪

You know what?
I think tonight,

I just wanna dance
with my friend.

Yeah, I'd like that.

♪ ...before ♪

♪ for once I have something
I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ for once I can say, "This is
mine, you can't take it" ♪

♪ as long I know I have love,
I can make it ♪

♪ for once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ someone who needs me ♪

♪ ah, ha ha, hey, yeah ♪

♪ someone who needs me ♪

♪ oh, love, baby ♪

♪

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com