All language subtitles for Grand.Crew.S01E03.1080p.WEBRip.x265

- You have lost your damn mind.
- Nah, you tripping, bro.

I'm not arguing
with you about this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's up with you two?

I asked Sherm, "What
would be scarier to fight,

20 badgers or 1 bear?" and
this fool said 20 badgers.

Yes, because it's
obvious, Wyatt.

You can beat one animal,
but 20 little freaks?

That's four paws each,
five claws per paw.

That's 400 claws.
You are done for.

But bears are huge.

They're like 600
pounds of pure muscle.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

I'm not scared of weight.
I'm scared of teamwork.

20 little brains
all working together

like a damn badger
wireless network.

Are y'all still
arguing about this?

A bear is way scarier, okay?

They're the heavyweights
of the forest.

It's like saying you
would rather fight

Evander Holyfield
than 20 little kids.

I would. Kids scare
the crap out of me.

They are ruthless. "Lord
of the Flies" much?

Sherm's right.

I once saw a five-year-old
pull the legs

off a lizard while laughing.

What are we even
fighting about now?

- Kids versus Holyfield.
- Keep up.

Holyfield would
crush 20 little kids.

20 kids all day. What
are you talking about?

♪ Whoop, whoop

♪ Cabernet and sauvignon

♪ Team is here
and now it's on ♪

♪ Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪

♪ Fine wine, got
notes like a cello ♪

♪ Pull up in the
spot like hello ♪

♪ If you got me,
then I got you ♪

♪ This is the vibe,
this is the crew ♪

♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh

♪ Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪

♪ Grand crew

It's not often we get
graced with the presence

of Wyatt's other half. Thanks
for the drinks, you two.

Don't thank me.

Thank my high-powered,
sexy lawyer wife

who can strong-arm
anyone in Hollywood.

She's the one that
makes the money.

Hey, since you're an attorney,

I gotta ask you about this judge

I went on a date with.

You're dating a judge?
That is amazing.

I suppose. However,
when we went out

for coffee, she wore
her judge's robe.

That's weird, ain't it?
- Eh.

Maybe she was just
coming from work.

It would be kind
of like if a doctor

showed up wearing scrubs.

Yeah, I've seen some judges

in their robes outside
of the courthouse.

I don't know. I'm with Sherm.

When I was dancing on Broadway,

I wouldn't wear my
costume to a date.

Wait, you were on Broadway?

Mm-hmm. Nothing crazy.

Just "Wicked", "Color Purple."

I was a giraffe in
"The Lion King."

Yeah, I feel like I've
known you for so long

that I forget that we just met.

I don't know anything about you.

You pretty much know everything.

There's really not that
much more to learn.

Anyway, can I get anybody
anything from the bar?

We have a great merlot
from Argentina in.

Wait, why did you
say it like that?

Do you work here now?
- I do. I needed a job.

Yup, there's nothing
else to learn about you.

Great talk.

What's good, y'all? All: Okay.

That's right, you're looking
at the newest vice president

at Joseph & Phillips
Accounting...

Incorporated!

That means King TUT
is in the building.

I love King TUT.
- King TUT?

Oh, it stands for Turn Up Tony,

his party persona from college.

Whenever he aced
an exam, and now,

whenever he gets a promotion,
he transforms into King TUT.

And also because he gets
so drunk, he falls asleep

with his arms
crossed like a mummy.

I detect no lies.

Y'all down to get it in tonight?

I'm definitely
down to get it in,

but I actually have
to make a run first.

I am getting my hair did.

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

The self-care journey continues,

and I'm calling it self-hair.

- Don't call it that.
- Okay, I won't call it that.

I'm not gonna call it self-hair,

but you guys get the vibe.

Peace.
- Peace.

Yo, what's up with you, Fay?
Coming out with us tonight?

Yeah, I just gotta do
some laundry first.

All my clothes are a
mess from making cookies.

I love baking.

Huh, not shocking
new information,

but new information nonetheless.

- My godfather is Famous Amos.
- Well, there it is.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a quorum,

which means that
tonight is a TUT party

where the champagne flows
like the River Nile.

Oh. Oh, dang.

There's a wildfire
in Griffith Park,

and our place is in
the evacuation zone.

- Yeah, mine too.
- Damn, so is the bar.

Well, I guess the party
is postponed, y'all.

Not necessarily.

I know a place not in the zone

where you all could
spend the night.

Welcome to the
Wyattdorf Kristoria.

Oh, this is gonna be lit.

I'm talking about the
vibes, not the wildfire.

Yeah, but should we be
worried about how frequent

these fires are happening?

I'm sure the scientists
are figuring it out.

We're good.

Yeah, man.

Wyatt, I always forget
how dope your house is.

This is a TUT hut.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I can definitely
pass out here.

Man. It is so dope that your
wife is the breadwinner.

I mean, I'm not
trying to settle down,

but if I was, that
would be the move.

Sure.

My wife is the provider,
but we both have our roles.

I take care of the house.

And yeah, she may
bring home the bacon,

but I'm the one who cooks it.

And she may make the bread,

but I'm the one who
makes the sandwiches.

And she may buy the limes,
but I'm the one who makes...

- Margaritas anyone?
- Oh, yes.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

I thought he was
gonna go on forever.

Ooh, this margarita is too good.

Kristen, how dare you?
- It's actually my recipe.

No, I made some adjustments.

A little Kristen kiss of mezcal.

Sorry, I'm late y'all.
What's happening?

- Wow.
- Wow.

So they didn't finish your
hair because of the fire?

- No, this is what I asked for.
- It looks perfect.

That is a TUT cut if
I've ever seen one.

You look crazy.

You know, Old Noah might've
taken this passive-aggression

and dwelled on it, but
new Noah doesn't care.

I've been reading "The
Three Pillars of Zen,"

and I feel more relaxed
than my hair, baby.

Well, can I get
anyone anything else?

Coffee, tea, juice?

Coffee, tea, juice? How
about shots, shots, shots?

- Hey.
- Yes.

Now, Kristen, we might need
to evacuate your house soon

because you are on
fire with the hosting.

She's so great.

Hey, babe, can I talk to you
for a second in the study?

Sure.

Hey, I know you have, like,

a lot of work that you
probably have to do.

You don't have to be
doing any hosting duties.

Hosting is kind of my thing.

So you're saying I
don't know how to host?

No, I'm just saying that I've
been hosting since the womb.

In fact, I left the
womb better than it was

before I got in there.
The doctors were in awe.

Okay, then, well, if you think

you're a better host,
why don't we find out?

Let the houseguests decide.

A hosting competition? Okay.

Okay, but I won't hold
back. I must break you.

Bitch, I'm gonna crush
you, crumble you up,

and then put you in
a dish as a garnish

while I eat you alive.

I'm gonna host so good that
it's gonna make you sick,

and then I will nurse
you back to health

because that's how
dope of a host I am.

I'm gonna cut your
head off with a knife.

My bad. I got carried away.

Don't apologize. I loved it.

As you know, we are elated
to have you all here today.

So much so that we decided
to make hosting you guys

a friendly competition
between lovers.

Y'all are cute.

Whoever loses has to
do that freaky thing

that the other one
likes in the bedroom.

We did not need
to know that part.

Yes, you did.

You need to know that the
stakes are high, sexually.

Or low depending on who wins.

You are nasty.

- Oh, you're nasty.
- You're nasty.

- No, you are nasty.
- You're nasty.

- Aye, aye, aye. Too horny.
- Don't listen to him.

We all get horny, and
sex is what made us.

Sex is life, and
life is beautiful.

Thank you, Long Hair
Noah. First up is dinner.

And at the Wyatt Hyatt,
we would like to bring you

Ye Rustic Inn, wings, nachos,
and a veggie deluxe burger

for Anthony's plant-based
needs. My treat.

Thank you. Dope.

Or you can head over
to the Ritz-Kristen

and try this new spot off
Hillhurst called Nossa.

Hmm, what's that
Nossa talking about?

- They talking about
plantains. - Ooh.

- They talking about
sangria. - Aye.

They talking about all
the flavors of Brazil.

Yo!

Now that is the better choice.

It's all good.

You know, hosting is a
marathon, not a sprint.

Is there anything else
I can do for anyone?

Fay, weren't you saying that
you needed to do laundry?

Oh, yeah.

If you don't mind, my
laundry is in the car.

Wyatt, we just got
that new machine.

We don't know how to use it yet.

Oh, you don't, but I do.

Okay, so I have no idea
how to use this thing.

Then why did you say you did?

Because I'm trying to win
a marriage competition,

and you all wanted
to eat at Nossa.

Well, it's just a
washing machine.

I mean, how
complicated can it be?

It's the Schweistinger
Grosse Macht Siében-Funf.

The BMW of washing machines.
There are no buttons,

only this tablet, and
it's all in German.

Not a problem. I know German.

You do?

My ex-husband was from Germany.

- You were married?
- Yeah, but not for long.

That's what happens when you
find love on a reality show.

Reality show?

Damn girl, who are you?

Yes! All right, good.

Just remember that your
host hooked you up.

Ooh, King TUT's
first outfit change.

I've been waiting for this.

Thank you, sir. The
look that I'm going for

is "accountant that's so fly,

you're worried he's
gonna steal your money."

Oh yeah, I definitely see it.
I'd be very suspicious of you.

- Thank you.
- So the plot is thickening

between me and Judge Eva, y'all.

We followed each other
on Instagram today.

And look, she got
one picture up,

and it's of her in a robe.

Who cares?

A robe ain't nothing but a wide
dress, and life ain't nothing

but a dress for the universe.

- Oh, yes.
- What?

Well, I think Eva
sounds really sweet.

Maybe you should invite
her over for dinner

so you can see her
outside of the robe.

That is a great idea. Kristen,
you are the best host.

I have an announcement.
As your host,

I will be providing each of you
with your own air mattresses.

Bro, you got five
air mattresses?

Yes, because I am
always prepared,

and I care about your comfort.

Well, mostly because he meant

to buy 1 but
accidentally bought 11.

The quantity button is tricky.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have some
mattresses to inflate.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, cheers!

You figure out the
dryer. I got this.

Okay.

Hold up.

The door won't open.
Something's wrong.

Oh, this is bad. I
think I broke it.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't think
that's helpful.

All right, y'all, allow
me to present to you

wardrobe change number two,

the accountant who's gotten one
too many questions from the IRS

and just touched
down in Costa Rica.

Man, King TUT don't miss.
Take my money, King.

I just got an email.

I'm live on the company site,

which means I'm finally
on the officers' page.

Are y'all ready to
pop some champagne?

- Allow me to pop it?
- No!

Ha. Clearly, he wants me,
the better host, to pop it.

No, no, not that.

They didn't put me on
the officers' page.

They put me on my own page
titled "Celebrating Diversity."

Am I just a damn token to them?

Celebrating diversity?

They need to
celebrate these nuts.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too,
but you know what?

The world is always spinning,

and all that means
is that eventually,

you'll end up on the other side.

My foot's about to end up on
the other side of your ass.

Okay, I'll walk away,
baby.

Ooh, that must be Judge Eva.

Hey.

Oh. You just coming from work?

- No.
- Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, that's what's up.

Hey, everybody, I'd like
y'all to meet Judge Eva.

As you can tell, she's
just coming from home.

Hi. Nice to meet you all.

Thank you so much for
having me over for dinner.

So about dinner,
I just found out

that our delivery from
Nossa got cancelled.

They were overwhelmed with
orders because of the fire.

Damn.

Score one host point for Wyatt.

Oh, this ain't over
yet. Don't sleep.

Oh, I'm wide awake.

Not for long, 'cause you
are about to get slept.

Keep talking, keep talking.

Oh, hey, Sherm, here's
a glass of wine,

and remember, dinner didn't
come because of Kristen.

You good, bro?

This competition is starting
to feel a little too real.

No, this is what
Kristen and I do.

We're just a fun
couple that competes.

It's our thing.

Well, it's not fun
from the outside.

And while you're celebrating,

I'm so hungry, my damn stomach
is speaking in tongues.

All I'm hearing is that
we need to step it up

a notch and get
you fed. Kristen!

What's up, dummy?

How about we see who can cook
a better dinner for everyone

in the least amount of time?

Oh, "Top Chef" quickfire style.

Sure. But you're going down.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Alexa, set a timer
for 30 minutes

so I can flex on my
wife in the kitchen.

30 minutes starting now.

Actually, Alexa, update
the timer to 20 minutes,

because that's all the time
I need to destroy my husband.

Ten minutes removed.

You now have about 19
minutes and 51 seconds left.

Alexa...

Just cook the damn food, please.

Damn it.

These buttons aren't
fixing anything.

Kristen and Wyatt are
gonna be so upset with me.

Oh, boy.

Okay, what are you doing?

I sweat when I do something bad,

and we just did
a very bad thing.

My body's about to rain.

Okay, a new discovery,
although not a fun one.

Listen, it's no big deal, Fay.
It's just a washing machine.

To you, maybe, but I lost all
my friends in the divorce,

and I'm new to this group,

and the first thing I do is
break the washing machine?

I'm gonna be Washing
Machine Fay forever.

Oh, damn. You're right.

They're definitely
gonna call you that.

Oh, wow. You are
really sweating.

- I told you.
- I got you covered.

I'm gonna... wow, that
is a lot of sweat.

I'm gonna text my handyman.
He's gonna fix it.

All we have to do is
distract everyone until then.

How?

By making them feel so good
they don't suspect a thing.

I call it the Oprah Technique.

Hey, beautiful Black people.

Oh, your melanin is glistening.
You are all very special.

I love all of you. I
love you. I love you.

I love your robe, and ooh,
that suit is looking real good,

King TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT.

I'm not king TUT
anymore. I'm King BUTT.

Big Underwhelming Token Tony.

I don't think the Oprah
Technique is working.

Really? 'Cause I
don't hear anyone

talking about a washing
machine right now.

Fay, why are you
sweating so much?

Oh, she's not sweating.
She's glowing.

She's probably sweating
because it's hot in here.

I'ma hang up my jacket.

Can I hang up any extra
layers of anyone else?

No, thanks, Sherman. I'm good.

Of course you are.

Dinner!

Good evening. What
I have for you

is a beautiful seared chicken
with the tomato confit

and a sprig of
homegrown oregano.

And I've prepared fettuccine
with a white wine butter sauce,

mushrooms, and a
chiffonade of crispy sage.

Well, what do you think?

I think the food is
objectively trash,

with all due respect.

Thank you so much for letting
us stay here, by the way.

- Did you try mine?
- I did; it was just as bad.

20 minutes is not enough time

to do what you tried to achieve.

This was a failure.

Thank y'all so
much for having us.

Fay, are you okay?
You're sweating.

Oh, yeah. It's just the food.

It's so spicy.

There are no spices.

This dinner is incredible.
Such wonderful textures.

And I love the play
on the temperatures.

Nicky, are you crazy?
This is an abomination.

Just wanna reiterate, I'm
truly grateful to be here.

I'm vegan, so I can't
eat any of this.

Seems like the first good thing

that happened to
King BUTT today.

Okay, so it seems that dinner
could have been better,

but surely y'all can decide

that one was less worse
than the other, right?

I actually don't like giving
judgment outside the courtroom.

She always got on a damn robe.

What's that?

Did someone call
for a repairman?

Dang, I told him to text
me before he got here.

What is going on?

Um...
Well, earlier-

what happened was, I...
- I...

I broke the washing machine.

My brand-new laundry machine?

Yes, I did it. Give
me all the blame.

Come in.

It's not your fault.

Wyatt lied and said he knew
how to work the machine.

Some host.
- Not so fast.

There's a repairman here, and
he can make it good as new.

That's right, but first,

I need a little help
finding my tool.

Oh, no.

What the hell is
going on in my home?

I knew I recognized him
from somewhere else.

Okay, what had happened
was, I texted Jerry Pipe,

who is a stripper,

when I meant to text Pipe Jerry,

who is my handyman.
Classic mix-up.

Ha, there goes another
host point, sucka.

It's just a stripper
and a broken machine.

Things are not that bad.

Oh, no.

What was that? Cherry
Pie, what was that?

Damn, that's a lot of bubbles.

I am very sorry, you guys.

Again, this is just my
fault. Nobody else's.

Yeah, you keep reiterating that.

Is something up? Both: No.

No need to apologize. I'm
sorry on behalf of Wyatt.

He really tried his
best as the host,

and, well, this
is what happened.

Yes, and I should apologize
on behalf of my wife,

who insists we have the most
bougie appliances around.

Those are some shady
kisses right there.

Who cares?

The world is burning.
Nothing matters.

What is that?

Down here from King BUTT.

Come on, brother.

Now isn't the time
to take a bath.

It's time for a new path.

Take my hand and follow me
on this new journey... no!

What the hell?

My hair. You ruined
my perfect hair.

Oh, your hair was
far from perfect.

- How dare you?
- I'm still hungry.

- That's Wyatt's fault.
- That's Kristen's fault.

Order. Order in
this living room.

Now she got a gavel.

Everybody, y'all need to
pull yourselves together.

You two, why the hell are
y'all competing like this?

There is clearly a
deeper issue here.

Handle it between yourselves.

And you two, it's clear

that you were covering
for your sweaty friend.

Who cares? It's just
a washing machine.

And you, you need a glass
of water and some bread.

Facts.

And Sherman, I
know it bothers you

I've been wearing this robe.

Would you like to know
why I wear it everywhere?

Yes, please. It's
driving me insane.

I'm the first in my
family to go to college,

the first to go to law school,

and the first to become a judge.

I wear this robe because
I am proud of myself.

Is that crazy?

I mean, yeah. Kinda.

Whatever. I don't care
what anyone thinks.

I know my worth.

In all of my years as a
judge, I have never seen

such a blatant display of
tomfoolery amongst friends.

Also, your hair was bad.

- That stings.
- It is what it is.

Have a good evening,
everyone. Stay Black.

She's harsh but fair.

- Thanks for the pizza.
- Of course.

Sorry this is the only
room not full of suds.

No, it's working for me.

- Yeah, I like it.
- I like it.

So that was the most intense
laundry day I've ever had.

Thank you for taking
the blame from me.

Of course, that's
what friends do.

And I'd say we're pretty
close friends now,

considering how much I
learned about you today.

But I have a lot
to learn about you.

You have a stripper
saved in your phone?

Strippers. Plural.

Ooh, and each one has a freaky,
nasty, unique story, okay?

You good, TUT?

You know what? I am.

That thing Judge Eva said
gave me some new perspective.

Oh, that you needed
some bread and water?

Yes, that, too,

but the thing she said about
her robe and her worth.

I'm good at what I
do, and I know it,

so I called my boss
and I took a stand.

Why is everyone
white? Do better.

Now, I was a little drunk,
but he took it well.

So now I'm on the
officers' page.

My man. Congrats, bro.

Thanks. Now, if
you'll excuse me.

Babe, I need to apologize
about how I acted today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before
this gets too real,

I wanna remind y'all that
this is a small room,

so you might want to lower
your voices a little.

I'm not ashamed of my feelings.

Y'all gonna have to
feel this with me.

I love how successful you are.

It's just sometimes
I get insecure

about not being a provider.

Babe, I was feeling
insecure too.

Damn, I did not expect that.

Can y'all speak up a little
bit so we can all hear?

Insecure about working too much

and not helping out
around the house.

You do more than enough.
You are more than enough.

And I am blessed.

I am too. Truly.

That said, I did win today,
and it wasn't even close.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I knew
it. All right. Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I'm not tired.
Are y'all tired?

- No.
- Mm-mm.

I could turn up.

I'm always down.

Thank you all for
having me tonight.

Feels good to be a
part of something.

- Aww.
- Jerry Pipe, thank you.

Not a doctor. Shh.