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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:09,843 I'm gonna be honest with you guys. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:11,761 I sat in that green room, and I said, "Chris--" 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,556 I looked in the mirror. I said, "Chris, don't start drinking martinis. 6 00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:17,684 Don't start drinking martinis. Don't start drinking martinis." 7 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,060 I've had six martinis. 8 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:24,774 -So, this show is gonna be loose! 9 00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,446 Yeah, baby! Yeah! 10 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:35,243 -Chris Distefano! 11 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,790 Thank you! 12 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,918 Ugh! Thank you! 13 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:49,048 We did it, baby. We did it. Thank you. 14 00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:51,217 Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming, sir. 15 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,845 Thank you. Thank you. 16 00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:56,264 Whoa! Thank you. 17 00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:00,602 -Gramercy Theatre, welcome. 18 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:04,022 Thank you so much for coming to my speshy weshy. 19 00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:07,942 -Thank you. Thank you so much. 20 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,862 It's great. It's great to be here. 21 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:15,283 There's a lot of things going on out in the world, okay? 22 00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:18,745 It's World War III out there. Don't worry about it, okay? 23 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:23,166 Out there, it's World War III. In here tonight, World War Whee. 24 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,876 -That's what we're gonna do. 25 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,086 We're gonna have fun. 26 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:28,630 A lot of people are dying. They're dying as we speak. 27 00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,216 -Um… 28 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,885 People being killed left and right. 29 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,346 And, uh, you know, we're just gonna do some jokes. 30 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,726 Listen, I got a daughter. She's woke, my daughter. 31 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,854 And she asked me today, she said, "Daddy, why are your teeth so yellow?" 32 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,606 I said, "'Cause I stand with the Ukraine." 33 00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:48,066 -Um… 34 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:51,945 "So I'm purposely having them yellow and my balls are blue. 35 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,614 I stand with the Ukraine, 36 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,367 because your mother is not giving it up and…" 37 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,370 -No, she is. Just not to me. 38 00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:04,666 Shout-out in the show to the contractor. Um… 39 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:09,462 Listen, the silver lining in that conflict 40 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,674 is at least it's white people killing white people. 41 00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:16,636 -That's the positive thing about that war. 42 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:19,305 It's whites. Less whites. 43 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,686 Because, I mean, it's over for white people. It's 100%-- 44 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:28,690 We had a nice run. Listen, white people, we had a nice run. 45 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:31,317 But, baby, it's over. Okay? 46 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:36,281 Make no mistake. Face down, done, over. Never coming back. 47 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:40,660 But hall of fame, historically, really, you know, a lot of good things. 48 00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,203 Also a lot of bad things. 49 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:45,790 But we brush over it, you know? 50 00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,500 But it's over. It's over for whites. 51 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,795 And I knew that. I knew that. I felt that about seven years ago. 52 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:55,383 I felt that coming. I felt the tide turning for the whites. 53 00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:58,469 I looked in the mirror. I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO. 54 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763 -Chris, you are--" 55 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,182 'Cause I am like skin-condition white. 56 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,184 Like I'm supremely white. 57 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:08,354 And it's just-- I knew it. So I had to make a decision. 58 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,523 'Cause I deliberately, on purpose-- 59 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,650 Both my daughters are Puerto Rican. I have-- 60 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,446 -Whoo! -Yes, Latina children. Thank you. Ooh. 61 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,451 I have Latina kids, and, again, by design. 62 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:25,914 I went out to a bar seven years ago. It's called Place to Beach. 63 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,958 It's still there, actually. It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn. 64 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,002 -Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach. -Yeah! 65 00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,837 I bought my fake vaccine card there… 66 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:35,006 -…um, with a mai tai. 67 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,761 And-- From Vito, he's dead of COVID. 68 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,347 -But what can you do? 69 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:45,683 I met my daughters' beautiful Latina mother. 70 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,852 -I mean, just a beautiful woman. She is. 71 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,187 She really is. 72 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:52,065 And I saw her dancing around, and I said, "This is the one." 73 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,068 I told my friends. I said, "This is the one. 74 00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:58,071 If this girl's into me, this is the one I have to have a child with. 75 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,239 She's gonna save me." 76 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:02,075 Because I said, "She needs to be a non-white woman. 77 00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:05,036 I need to mate with a woman who's not white." 78 00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:08,831 Because the truth is, by 2025, it's gonna be illegal to have all-white babies. 79 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,750 -They're not gonna let it continue. 80 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,335 "You can't! Privilege! 81 00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:15,338 You can't! We have to be better!" 82 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,049 -So that means less whites. 83 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,969 So I said, "I gotta stay alive." Okay? 84 00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:24,764 I went out that night and I met her, 85 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,808 and she was dancing around and she was gorgeous. 86 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:31,437 And I said, "Wow, she looks like the one, but I need to make sure she's not white." 87 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:34,315 'Cause she looked like she could've been Italian or Greek or something, 88 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:35,942 -and they look white. 89 00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:39,320 So I said, "Lord, give me a sign. How do I know she's not white?" 90 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,573 And then she did a little spin move, and I noticed she had a tattoo on her tit. 91 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,201 I said, "She's Latina. Ven acquí, let's go. 92 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,203 Vámonos. Come on. 93 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,788 Dos hijas. 94 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,583 I have coquito." 95 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,090 And now we have this beautiful, little Puerto Rican family. 96 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:00,633 And listen, it's amazing. 97 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:04,554 I identify-- I stand before you today as a Latino man. 98 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:05,930 -That's who I am. 99 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,017 I'm a full Latino man. 100 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,812 Because, you know, that's my life. That's what I'm doing. 101 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,897 And people get mad, you know? 102 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,066 They're like, "You can't identify as Latino." 103 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,195 I'm like, "Well, I do. I have a house full of Latino people right now. 104 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,405 -Okay?" 105 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,865 They're making platanos. 106 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,952 And I didn't know what they were before. 107 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,204 I thought somebody was frying one of their sandals. 108 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,874 -I had no idea what they were. 109 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,459 But I enjoy them. 110 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:38,921 So, you know, that's how I feel. I feel like I'm a proud Puerto Rican. 111 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,966 And, you know, so when I tweet, 112 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,053 I tweet from the point of view of a Puerto Rican person. 113 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:48,848 And people get mad. Unfortunately, people get upset at that. 114 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,017 You know, white people, they always get mad. 115 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,894 They just, "How could you say that?" 116 00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:54,729 Because the problem is 117 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:59,150 you can't get away with jokes like that anymore if you're white. 118 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:03,112 On social media, they go, "No, you have to reflect. 119 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,116 You're a bad person, Chris. You've done things. You're bad." 120 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,037 But I don't feel that way, you know? Like I said, I'm a proud Latino. 121 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,874 -And I said, "Look." 122 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:18,461 I tweeted, I said, "Listen. If I was President Joe Biden, 123 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:23,591 the first thing I would have did is made AOC the head of the CIA 124 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:27,637 because nobody looks through phones like Latina women." 125 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,348 -It's what I said. 126 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,352 And then this guy Ryan-- 127 00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:37,688 -this dumb, white piece of shit, Ryan-- 128 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,482 This guy started tweeting at me. 129 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,819 He was like, "You're a racist. How could you say that?" 130 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,821 -I'm like, "Say what? The truth?" 131 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:51,410 I mean, why would you have old white men in the CIA at this point? 132 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:55,832 I mean, seriously, if you really cared about national security, 133 00:06:55,915 --> 00:07:00,878 you would have the CIA be made up 100% of Latina women, 134 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:06,217 and then you get them into relationships with suspected terrorists. 135 00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:10,638 Let me tell you something, okay? 136 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:14,225 Those terrorists would get away with cero. Okay? 137 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,769 -Cero, cero, cero. 138 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,398 It's not gonna happen, papi. Trust me. I know, okay? 139 00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,692 She has microphones in my shoelaces right now. 140 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,446 She says she's not here but I smell the adobo. 141 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,906 -And it makes me nervous, 142 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,616 and then my psoriasis flares up. 143 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,245 -I'm getting very itchy. You know? 144 00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,914 And then he got mad at me, this guy, stupid Ryan from-- 145 00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,000 I think he was from Idaho. 146 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:42,336 Again, a white guy mad at that AOC tweet. 147 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,964 Just, you know, yelling at me. 'Cause here's the thing. 148 00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:48,801 It's like society has become this thing where it's like you can't make a mistake. 149 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554 It's like if you say one wrong word, that's it. You're done. 150 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:55,349 It used to be-- For our whole lives, it was: "Actions speak louder than words." 151 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:58,060 But now it's flipped. Now it's: "Words speak louder than actions." 152 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,730 All of a sudden, it doesn't matter what actions you've done, 153 00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,150 if you said one word wrong, you're done. They did it to Kevin Hart. 154 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,652 Remember a couple years ago, Kevin Hart was gonna host the Oscars, 155 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,447 but then he had a homophobic tweet they found from ten years ago? 156 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,741 It's like, "You think Kevin Hart is a homophobe? 157 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,035 Dude, his actions prove differently." 158 00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:16,496 He was the lead of the movie Jumanji. 159 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,081 -Do you know how gay you have to be? 160 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,500 They asked me to be in the movie. 161 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:24,545 I was like, "I don't guzzle come. So I'm not gonna do it." 162 00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:32,553 It's like they go after anybody, you know? 163 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,725 So this guy-- Ryan was his name. And he doesn't know a thing about me. 164 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:38,851 Just starts attacking. 165 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,729 He was like, "I bet you've never even met a Latina person, Chris. 166 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:45,191 That's why the tweet's offensive. I bet you don't know one Latina person. 167 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:48,778 And that's what's sad. Get out there and meet some Latinas." 168 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,573 I was like, "You don't think I know one Latina person? Really? That's interesting. 169 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:55,868 Because my daughter's next to me doing Zumba right now. 170 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,579 Just juggling empanadas for no reason, okay? 171 00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,956 This is my life, all right? 172 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,125 The baby's first words were 'Daddy Yankee.' 173 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,545 So why don't you just shut up, 174 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,381 stupid Ryan from stupid Idaho?" 175 00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,634 If you're watching this in Idaho, please like and subscribe. 176 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,220 -Um… 177 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,721 I totes preesh. 178 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,848 But it also depends on your circumstances. 179 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:21,519 I always ask people, "Listen, I can't judge you. What were your circs? 180 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,771 What were your circs during the pandy wandy?" 181 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,398 Because it depends. 182 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:29,193 I wasn't afraid from day one only because of how I was living. Okay? 183 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,654 I mean, they shut the whole world down March 2020. 184 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:35,116 I was living in like a 500-square-foot apartment in Brooklyn, 185 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,492 three kids, two adults. 186 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,910 -Everybody hated me. 187 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,414 And, you know, bouncing off the walls, getting yelled at. 188 00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,207 I wanted to leave immediately. 189 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:47,420 I was like, "I wanna get out. Let me breathe it in. I don't care." 190 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,088 I wasn't scared. 191 00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:52,341 And then the world opened up again a few months later. I started doing shows. 192 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,885 I was one of the first comedians. I got out there, doing shows. 193 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,804 I didn't care. "Take the masks-- I don't care." 194 00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,889 And people on Twitter start yelling at me. 195 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:02,893 They were like, "You're gonna do shows, Chris? It's too soon. 196 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,354 What if-- What if you get COVID? 197 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,399 It's possible that you're gonna get COVID." 198 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,735 I was like, "Good. I live in hell. 199 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:14,488 I couldn't care less about COVID, okay? 200 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:18,159 Two weeks on a ventilator, that would be like going to Aruba for me. 201 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,661 You understand? It would be like a Sandals resort. 202 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:24,081 You have to see my life right now. I don't want to watch Wreck-It Ralph again. 203 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,460 Put the ventilator in my mouth right now. 204 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,503 Just shove it down my throat. I'll try not to come. 205 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,631 I don't know what you want me to tell you." 206 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,009 Now it's a fun part of the pandy wandy. 207 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:38,262 We've reached the fun-- That's what I call it, "the pandy wandy." 208 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,557 I had to make it-- Listen, everybody had different reasons. 209 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,560 I had to call it "the pandy wandy." I wasn't gonna call it "the pandemic." 210 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,270 My daughter's terrified. 211 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,190 Everybody was calling it "the pandemic," the newscasters, her teachers. 212 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,651 She's like, "That scares me: pandemic." 213 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,986 I'm like, "What, the pandemic? I don't know what that is. 214 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,865 I know what the pandy wandy is, and that ain't shit, babe. The pand-- Who--" 215 00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,492 She's like, "'Pandy wandy' sounds fun." 216 00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:02,536 I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause it is fun. 'Pandy wandy'." 217 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,372 She's like, "Yeah, that's fun, Dad." 218 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,792 I'm like, "Exactly, babe." 'Pandy wandy,' we stay neutral. 219 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:10,753 And she's like, "'Pandy' sounds like 'pandas'." 220 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:13,964 I was like, "I didn't even think of that, bubs. It does sound like 'pandas'." 221 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,676 She's like, "Where are pandas from?" I was like, "China." 222 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:26,060 'Cause I have friends that have-- Some of my friends, their IQs are like-- 223 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,937 I have a friend, I think his IQ is below zero. 224 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,564 -I think he'd go negative. 225 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:34,276 He would talk to me about health care for the last two years, all day, every day. 226 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,613 This is this thing that we as a country, everybody started to do this. 227 00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:41,992 You know, we'd listen to half a podcast on mushrooms, a couple Twitter threads, 228 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,204 and then go, "Oh, yeah. I went to nine years of medical school." 229 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:48,707 Always unwarranted. I never asked this guy anything. 230 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,709 I never asked him one question about health care. 231 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:53,254 He doesn't even work remotely in the health care field. 232 00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:56,465 Every time you talked to him, he had a new thing that he needed to tell you. 233 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,927 Like I remember when everyone was getting the vaccine, 234 00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,680 he's like, "You need to be careful with the vaccine, okay? 235 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,266 'Cause it is not FDA approved, no matter what the news says. 236 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,184 They're lying. It's not FDA approved. 237 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:11,230 It is causing myocarditis, which is inflammation of the heart, okay? 238 00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:13,190 It is also causing encephalopathy, 239 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:16,235 which is inflammation of the encephalepathon. 240 00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,822 And Dr. Fauci and Hillary Clinton are war criminals, 241 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:23,159 and they're running a pedophile ring out of a pizzeria in Washington, DC." 242 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,744 -I was like, "Dude, you work for FedEx, 243 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:30,166 so you're an expert in packaging. 244 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,128 Where's my tracking number link, you idiot? 245 00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:38,048 I don't want to talk to you about health care ever again." 246 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,635 Because you know what happens then if everyone starts-- 247 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,180 we all think we know everything because of this, 248 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,307 then it puts pressure on real doctors, 249 00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:50,519 then actual, for-real doctors don't really know what to say or do 250 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,855 because they just get yelled at by the patients all day, 251 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:55,232 because the patient thinks they have more info. 252 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:59,111 Is there an actual doctor here? Is somebody like a for-real doctor? 253 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,281 Are you? Is anybody a doctor? 254 00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:04,408 No? I have a smart crowd. 255 00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,785 Way to go. This is great. 256 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:07,912 Are you a doctor? 257 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,248 -Oh, the Indian guy. Perfect. Way to go. 258 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,168 The one person who's not white and Indian in here is a doctor. 259 00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:15,377 Are you a doctor? 260 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:16,837 -Yeah. -What kind of doctor? 261 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,214 Just internal medicine. 262 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,716 Internal medicine. Okay, so finally a real doctor. 263 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:23,344 How funny is that, that you're an Indian guy? 264 00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:25,596 -What's your name? -Ranjeev. 265 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:26,764 -Ranjeev. -Yeah. 266 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,016 I like that you went fucking "Ranjeev." 267 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,936 I like that, because somebody would have said, "Randy." 268 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:34,230 Then I would've said, "No, I want the full Indian." 269 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,940 Ranjeev. I fucking like-- 270 00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:38,692 -R-A-N-J-E-E-V. -Very good! 271 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:41,654 There it is. You kidding me? You know how much Indian porn I watch? 272 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,864 I love it. You kidding me? 273 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,325 They call me "Chrissy Calcutta." That's what I do. 274 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,787 Ranjeev, you-- 275 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,332 Because real doctors, they get yelled at by idiots like us. 276 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,750 We're not real, you know? 277 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:59,713 My daughter's pediatrician, this guy, he's so nervous all the time 278 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,508 because he must just get screamed at by people. 279 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,552 I brought her to the pediatrician the other day. 280 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:07,471 He went, "So what do you wanna do today, Dad? Today's totally your call. 281 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,932 Let's have a conversation about your daughter's health. 282 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,977 I'm looking at her chart. She does need some updated vaccines-- 283 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,105 Not that vaccine, Dad! Don't get scared. Not that one, okay? 284 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,524 But she does need some vaccines to get into school. 285 00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:19,775 So what do you wanna do? 286 00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,444 You want me to leave the syringes and you can inject her? 287 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,155 Whatever you want to do, Dad. Let's have a conversation." 288 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:28,617 I was like, "Why are you even talking to me? I don't know what to do. 289 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,537 You're the doctor. I'm the dad, all right? 290 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,498 I'm here to hold her down and you light her up 291 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,335 with mumps, rubella, polio. 292 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,713 Anything that used to kill a pirate, 293 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:42,965 I would like in my daughter's immune system. 294 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,676 Yeah. Put on Pirates of the Caribbean. Let's do that. 295 00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:49,471 What did they die of? Yeah, light her up. It'd be perfect." 296 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,724 But at least we can laugh again. That's nice. 297 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,643 I'm happy that at least we've gotten to a point now 298 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,854 where we can start laughing again. 299 00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,814 'Cause for a while there, it was getting dicey. 300 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,442 I mean, everybody-- You could not do comedy. 301 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:05,070 Like, I would never in a million years start comedy today. 302 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,949 I have no choice. I'm ten years into it. I just have to come up here every night 303 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,036 with a suitcase full of anxiety and depression and just figure it out. 304 00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,247 'Cause the bottom line is nobody in my family wants to work. That's the truth. 305 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,416 -So anytime you see me adding a show, 306 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,586 it's because she wanted to put an extension on the living room. 307 00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,963 I'm like, "What are we doing here?" You know? 308 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,716 She's like, "I'm a spin instructor." I'm like, "That's great." 309 00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,802 -"That's so great. I support you! 310 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:31,472 But you better start pedaling that bike a little faster, 311 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,515 and it better start shitting out Bitcoin, 312 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,851 because we're behind on the mortgage! 313 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:40,648 I'm doing shows in Des Moines next week. Des Moines, sweetie." 314 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,651 It's the capital of Iowa. I know every capital. 315 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,986 -Um… 316 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,074 You know? I was at a point where I just had to take work. 317 00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,825 I didn't want to do it. I had to take work. 318 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,245 And I was getting fired. Even I got fired from a job. 319 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,997 I never got fired from anything in my life. 320 00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:01,043 I hosted a show for Netflix. It was called the Ultimate Beastmaster. 321 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:04,088 I mean, what a piece of shit show this show was. 322 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:07,132 But I had no choice, okay? I had no choice. I needed the money. 323 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:10,803 So I was like, "I gotta do this." And I cohosted the show with Tiki Barber. 324 00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,972 He was an old NFL running back, this guy. 325 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,099 Tiki Barber, borderline hall of fame player. 326 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:19,019 I was like, "That's interesting. Why is Tiki Barber cohosting a show with me?" 327 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,604 And then I found out 328 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,857 he was going through a divorce and he has six kids. 329 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,944 I was like, "Oh, he also needs the money. That's what's happened. 330 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,780 The state of New Jersey is crushing this guy." 331 00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:33,242 And when Netflix hired me, they hired me to do jokes. 332 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,744 They were like, "You're gonna be the color commentary guy. 333 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,789 Tiki's gonna do the X's and O's. 334 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,500 You're gonna be the fun guy, color commentary. Be silly." 335 00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,420 I was like, "Great." So they hire me to do jokes, I do jokes, 336 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,380 then I get fired for doing jokes. 337 00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,340 Because what they told me was, 338 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:52,344 "Look, it's an international competition. You're the host of Team USA. 339 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,681 So what we need you to do is make fun of every other country, 340 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,475 just shit on them for everything they've ever stood for. 341 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:02,062 And when that camera is on you, you be pro-America. 342 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,650 So, say how much the other countries suck and how much you love America. 343 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:07,735 It'll be good." 344 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,155 I'm like, "Okay, this will be fine and have no repercussions. 345 00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:14,700 This is exactly what America wants to see right now, 346 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:19,288 is just Chrissy Capitol Face yelling 'build the wall' at the Mexican team. 347 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:22,791 -This should be perf McGerf." 348 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:27,046 So, I do the show, and I get fired for jokes. 349 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,132 Like, Team India actually had a team. Team India had a team. 350 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,801 And one of their competitors, his name was Rishi Patel-- 351 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,678 Tell me if this is a problem, Ranjeev. 352 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:37,806 His name was Rishi Patel. I was calling him Rishi's Peanut Butter Cups. 353 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,560 You have an issue with that? Not at all, right? 354 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:46,106 Dude, it's fucking… I'm telling you, dude. 355 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,858 See? Because other people did. 356 00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,527 We should have a show. We should do a thing called Ask Ranjeev. 357 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:53,489 Remember Ask Jeeves? Ask Ranjeev. You wanna do that? 358 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,617 Me and you are gonna do that. Ask Ranjeev. My agency are marking it down. 359 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,912 Ask Ranjeev. It's taking me to stardom. Ask Ranjeev. 360 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:05,375 Rishi Patel, problem with it. I was like, "Okay." 361 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:07,086 But the one I got fired for was… 362 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,213 When you fell off the obstacle course 363 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,465 and you got eliminated and fell into the water, 364 00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,550 they called that water the Beast's Blood. 365 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,428 I had to keep saying that. "The Beast's Blood. The Beast's Blood." 366 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013 And then one day I showed up to work, 367 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,474 and I was like, "I'm not calling it the Beast's Blood today. 368 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:21,934 I'm not. I'm not gonna do it. 369 00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,770 I've been here three weeks. I'm sick and tired." 370 00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,814 -I was drunk on set. 371 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,441 I'd been drinking Bud Light Seltzers, doing Flonase. 372 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,611 I said, "I'm not calling it the Beast's Blood." 373 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,280 And I said-- I had a little Netflix producer in my ear. 374 00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,325 I said, "Listen, I'm gonna call it something else. 375 00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:41,703 Not calling it the Beast's Blood, so just wanted to make sure I have your permish." 376 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,831 He goes, "Absolutely. We love you here at Netflix. 377 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,500 You've been doing great, Chris. You've been doing so good." 378 00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,919 -I was like, "Okay!" 379 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,839 So Team China was stepping up. 380 00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,049 They were unbelievable, Ranjeev. 381 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,469 I mean, they were so good. No, you don't understand how good they were. 382 00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,971 They were fantastic. 383 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,390 And their best competitor's name was Bin Fang. 384 00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,976 He was stepping up onto the obstacle course. 385 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,602 Nobody thought he was gonna fall. 386 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,981 But on the off chance he did fall, I was like, "I got a good one in my head." 387 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,483 It's almost like Jesus placed the joke in my head 388 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,111 as soon as the board said Team China. I was like, "Thank you." 389 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:17,239 Bang. He just put it right in there. It was like, "Boom!" 390 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,701 So, I told Tiki. I said, "Tiki, listen to me. 391 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:24,121 If this kid falls, don't say anything. I got a good one." 392 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,375 And Tiki was just looking blankly straight ahead, 393 00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,835 just staring off into space. 394 00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,920 I was like, "Dude, are you okay?" 395 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,881 He was like, "I should have never got married." 396 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,552 I was like, "Yeah, dummy! What are you doing? 397 00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,804 Of course. I could have told you that." 398 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:45,309 So Bin Fang steps up and he's flying through the obstacle course. 399 00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,352 He's doing good. I'm like, "He's not gonna fall. 400 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:51,023 I had the perfect joke if he would've fallen, but shit, he's not gonna fall." 401 00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,025 But he's in the middle of the obstacle course, 402 00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,277 and it starts to rain out of nowhere. 403 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,988 It's almost like Jesus himself started to make it rain 404 00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,115 like Salt Bae, just… 405 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,491 He just starts making it rain, 406 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,744 because he wanted to hear the joke he put in my head. 407 00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:06,622 So, I'm like, "Oh, my God. This might happen." 408 00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:10,500 And Bin Fang knows it's raining but he's gotta get to the other side of the course. 409 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,294 But if he falls, he falls. He's out. 410 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,588 So he's trying to go fast, 411 00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:18,133 but the rain's picking up and the course is getting wetter and wetter, 412 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,218 and so was I. 413 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,512 Because I knew that this kid is gonna fall, 414 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:25,933 and then I'm gonna unleash the joke, and that's exactly what happened. 415 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:28,977 He just fell, and I let him splash and hit that water. 416 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,687 And I took a moment in my head. 417 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,941 I even asked the Netflix producer one more time. 418 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:37,194 I said, "Am I clear to improv a name for the Beast's Blood?" 419 00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,488 -He was like, "Absolutely!" 420 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:43,492 I was like, "Okay. There goes Bin Fang into the duck sauce." 421 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,376 The producer, he was like, "Oh, no! Cut! 422 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,336 Cut!" 423 00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:58,173 I was like, "God, thank you. Thank you." 424 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:03,220 Fired. Immediately, on the spot, fired. 425 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,722 And you know what the hypocritical bullshit is? 426 00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:12,312 Bin Fang retweeted the clip of me saying, "There goes Bin Fang into the duck sauce." 427 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:15,816 -Okay? Binny, absolutely loved it. 428 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,779 Yeah. He did. He loved it. 429 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:25,409 I got fired by some fat white woman named Barbara… 430 00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:29,746 …who definitely sent the email with duck sauce on her fingertips. 431 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,291 I know she did. Because she's fat, fat, fat. 432 00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:35,085 She was all, "You're fired." 433 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,464 It's usually white people. That's the thing. 434 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,049 You know, the Cleveland Indians 435 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,677 had to change the name of their baseball team a couple years ago. 436 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,304 What, you think that was Indian people? 437 00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:48,390 Native American people don't care. They don't watch baseball. 438 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,393 That was white women being like, "We have to do something. 439 00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:55,147 It is not okay that they are saying 'Indians.' It is just not okay." 440 00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:58,608 And it's like, we just missed the point as whites. Who cares about the name? 441 00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,360 Ask any Native American person you know, 442 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:02,654 "Hey, what do you think of the name the Cleveland Indians?" 443 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,115 They'd be like, "You know what? Why don't you keep the name, 444 00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:06,950 just give us back our land, okay? 445 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,703 Yeah, it's not really about baseball, Susan. 446 00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:13,373 It's just you built the stadium on my grandmother's wigwam! 447 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,711 Second base used to be a longhouse." 448 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:21,131 Any white guys out there who are dating Latina women? 449 00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:23,800 -Any? Are you? Is she Latina? 450 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:26,094 Nice. Come to the meetings, Tuesdays and Thursdays. 451 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,555 We talk about how to stay alive-- 452 00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:31,266 It's crazy. Look at this fucking-- I mean-- Dude, I don't know. 453 00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:34,227 I like that chain, man. How expensive is your chain? 454 00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:39,107 My-- No, dude. I bought this at the Staten Island Mall. Yeah. 455 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,233 Kids? 456 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,862 Two kids. Nice, dude. You're not going nowhere. 457 00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:49,534 Yeah. Listen, it's fun. It's fun dating a Latina woman. 458 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:50,702 You know, it's terrifying, 459 00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,829 but it's like a thrill ride, you know what I mean, 460 00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:53,955 like at an amusement park. 461 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,916 Every day of my life, I'm like, "Buckle up." 462 00:22:57,084 --> 00:23:00,879 'Cause you're just getting yelled at. All the time, just getting yelled at. 463 00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:03,340 I remember one time we were living in an apartment building. 464 00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:06,718 We lived on the 12th floor, and she wanted to see my phone. 465 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:08,762 And I was like, "No. I'm not giving you my phone." 466 00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,680 She was like, "Chris, let me see your phone." 467 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,725 I was like, "No. I'm not giving you my phone, okay? 468 00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:17,145 That's like an invasion of privacy. This is borderline emotional abuse. 469 00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,774 I have a right to my own phone. 470 00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:21,775 You can't look at it." 471 00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:24,945 She was like, "Give me your phone." I was like, "No!" 472 00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:29,533 And then she kicked our air conditioner out the window on the 12th floor. 473 00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:31,409 I was like, "Ay, dios mío!" 474 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,496 I was like, "You could've killed somebody." 475 00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,456 She was like, "Probably that bitch you texted." 476 00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:37,916 -Oh! 477 00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:39,668 I was like, "Is she down there?" 478 00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:49,970 Even my daughter, my oldest daughter, I mean, no, she's like her mom. 479 00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:56,309 She has the same attitude as her mom, and it's like genuinely terrifying. 480 00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,562 -Because she's, you know… 481 00:23:58,645 --> 00:23:59,938 All I want to do is please her. 482 00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:02,107 I love my kids so much. They're my whole life. 483 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,651 All I want to do is make her happy, and she's always mad at me. 484 00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,320 She's just constantly-- We were driving the other day. 485 00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,406 It was a beautiful day. She was in the back seat. 486 00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:12,576 The window was down. She was like, "Daddy, um, hello? 487 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:14,786 I'm cold." 488 00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:18,206 So I was like, "I'm sorry, honey. I apologize." 489 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,795 So I put the window up. She was like, "Now, I'm hot." 490 00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:28,508 So I put the window back down. 491 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,511 She was like, "I just told you that makes me cold." 492 00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,305 I was like, "What do you want me to do?" 493 00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:34,681 She was like, "Figure it out. 494 00:24:34,764 --> 00:24:36,892 That's what I want you to do. Figure it out." 495 00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:38,727 She was doing that thing like her mom does, 496 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,979 where she opens and closes her hand. 497 00:24:41,062 --> 00:24:43,857 -Latina women do that. They're like… 498 00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,234 I feel like they're catching your words, you know? 499 00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:49,613 So when you try to lie ten years from now, they're like, 500 00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:52,532 "That's not what you really said, 'cause I caught your fucking words, 501 00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:54,826 -so you're lying." 502 00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:01,291 She's funny, my kid. 503 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,836 She asked me the other day, "Daddy, am I white or am I Latina?" 504 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,796 I said, "It depends on the sitch, 505 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,592 so you could play it both ways, baby. 506 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,595 Give me the scenario. What are we talking about? 507 00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:16,056 College interview? Oh, you're Latina, baby. 508 00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:19,434 Diversity, yes! Bring it in, sister! 509 00:25:19,517 --> 00:25:22,145 I am diverse! Give me a scholarship! 510 00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:23,897 Job interview? White!" 511 00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,607 Um… 512 00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,567 "White!" Here's the truth about me. 513 00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:30,695 Listen, I don't think I'm gay. Okay? 514 00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:35,116 I would say-- Let's say 90% sure-- Let's say 85. 515 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,661 -85% sure-- 516 00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:40,622 we'll go low 80s-- not gay. 517 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:44,209 But I grew up in a neighborhood where, you know-- 518 00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,796 My mother's a very intelligent woman. She was all about education. 519 00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:50,548 So I learned stuff. I was into learning. 520 00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,884 And that was gay in the neighborhood I grew up in. 521 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:55,220 Like, "What, are you going to school and learning stuff?" 522 00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:56,429 It's like… Ugh. 523 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,057 Yeah. Like I know every state capital. 524 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:02,560 I was gonna tell Antonio Parisi that? That I know every state capital? 525 00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:05,605 He'd be like, "I bet you do." And then shove his cock right in my mouth. 526 00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:07,524 "Albany!" 527 00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:12,570 "Montpelier, Vermont. A lot of people don't know that one." Ugh. 528 00:26:16,574 --> 00:26:18,952 But, you know, the truth is 529 00:26:19,035 --> 00:26:23,957 I can't really take a good look inside to see if there's any gay floating around 530 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,709 until my father dies. 531 00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,420 That's-- I got a father that is-- 532 00:26:28,503 --> 00:26:31,047 Most of us have that father, but I'm in my 30s. 533 00:26:31,131 --> 00:26:33,633 Guys over 70, that's what it is. 534 00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,844 Being gay was taboo back then, 535 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:38,430 so either your father is just a homophobe 536 00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,807 or he secretly came out of the closet to your mom. 537 00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:43,226 -It's one or the other, you know? 538 00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:45,937 So my dad is like a gay-- 539 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,897 He just wouldn't be able to accept it, 540 00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:51,609 so I've never been able to take a look inside to see if there's any gay floating. 541 00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:53,778 Subconsciously, I don't know. There could be. 542 00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,031 I have to wait till he dies, you know? 543 00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:59,743 My mother could call me one day and be like, "I have terrible news. Dad died." 544 00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,619 And I might be like, "Fucking yes! 545 00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:04,289 Let's talk about this carpet, bitch. 546 00:27:04,372 --> 00:27:06,458 I mean, what do you wanna do?" 547 00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:09,252 -You know? But I don't know. 548 00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:13,548 Because everything's gay with him. Everything. He has rules. 549 00:27:13,631 --> 00:27:15,884 Like, he thinks… 550 00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:19,012 And listen, I get it from his point of view. 551 00:27:19,095 --> 00:27:21,973 Once he said it to me, I was like, "I mean, I guess." 552 00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,684 He thinks if you're a guy and you introduce yourself 553 00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:28,897 with your full, mother-given first name, that means you're gay. 554 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:30,857 -He thinks only gay men do that. 555 00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:34,152 Straight men-- a shortened version of a name or a nickname. 556 00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:37,405 But a gay man would go with the full first. 557 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,407 And, you know, it's wild, 558 00:27:39,491 --> 00:27:41,868 but like I've got a friend named Steven. Okay? 559 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,454 I don't know why he goes by Steven. I never asked him. 560 00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,664 I never assumed anything either. 561 00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:49,000 And the first time I introduced him to my father, 562 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,044 I was like, "Hey, Dad, this is my friend Steven." 563 00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,588 He was like, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 564 00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:56,049 Come on, Chris. I don't even have a shirt on." 565 00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:59,135 -I was like, "What? A shirt on?" 566 00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,513 He goes, "You know, it's 'Steven.' Relax." 567 00:28:01,596 --> 00:28:03,932 I was like, "Relax? What are you talking about?" 568 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:05,934 He goes, "What do you mean what am I talking about? 569 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,018 What's his name, stupid?" 570 00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:09,771 I was like, "Steven." He goes, "Exactly." 571 00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,564 I was like, "Exactly what?" 572 00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:14,818 And then he asks him. He goes, "Is your name 'Steven' or is it 'Steve'?" 573 00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,444 He was like, "I go by 'Steven'." 574 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,072 He was like, "This guy smokes cock. Okay. 575 00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:24,577 Listen, you smoke cock, and we support you, okay? 576 00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,288 From now on, though, we're gonna call you 'Stevie Blow Jobs.' 577 00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:31,334 That's your name from now on. It's little Stevie Blow Jobs." 578 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:37,215 It's this wild thing. It's this wild thing that he has, a lot of older men have. 579 00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:39,134 But I still love him. I love my pops, you know. 580 00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:42,470 He's the definition of a guy, my father, who doesn't give a fuck. 581 00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,764 He just doesn't care at all. 582 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,475 -Tony! -Yeah, Tony. Some people are like that. 583 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:49,978 Tampa Tony. I don't know why he is the way he is. 584 00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:53,565 But he just couldn't care less about anything. 585 00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,650 And that's good. That's good, you know? 586 00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:59,195 I mean, I remember one time we saw-- 587 00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:00,697 I was in a pizzeria with him, 588 00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:04,659 and I saw Steven Tyler, you know, from Aerosmith. 589 00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,787 I saw him, and everybody was like, "Oh. That's him." 590 00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:10,206 And my dad was like, "I know who that guy is." 591 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,375 I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody does." 592 00:29:12,459 --> 00:29:15,420 He goes, "Yeah, that fucking guy. I gotta say something to him." 593 00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:17,714 I was like, "Dad, please don't say anything to him. 594 00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:19,174 Please don't say anything to him." 595 00:29:19,257 --> 00:29:21,092 He goes, "I gotta say something to him, Chris. 596 00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:24,220 He's napkin-blotting the oil off his pizza. 597 00:29:24,304 --> 00:29:28,725 So, that's a sin. He should get punched in the face for that. He can't do it." 598 00:29:28,808 --> 00:29:31,186 I was like, "Dad, don't do it." He goes, "I'm doing it." 599 00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:33,730 He walks up to him. He goes, "Yo, Bon Jovi." 600 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:39,652 "Don't napkin-blot the oil off your pizza, you loser." 601 00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,031 He was like, "I'm Steven Tyler." He goes, "You suck." 602 00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:47,452 And just walked away. He goes, "Who's that fucking piano man?" 603 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,870 I was like, "Fuck…" 604 00:29:50,246 --> 00:29:52,290 The thing about COVID, 605 00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:54,459 what's been good about COVID for me personally, 606 00:29:54,542 --> 00:29:57,045 is that a lot of people don't want to do things. 607 00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,756 A lot of people don't want to go out. They don't want to do things. 608 00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:04,344 So I got to be on some lists for different events and stuff. 609 00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,387 You do comedy in New York, you get on these lists. 610 00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:09,891 But I was always very low on the lists. But then I started moving up on the lists, 611 00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:12,101 because people don't want to go out, people are dying. 612 00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:13,686 -So I just start moving up. 613 00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:20,068 And so I got called to go sit courtside at Madison Square Garden 614 00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:21,694 -for a New York Knicks game. 615 00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,656 It was awesome. I was like, "Whoa, I'm doing it!" 616 00:30:24,739 --> 00:30:28,451 So I brought my father. Of course I brought my father. 617 00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:30,954 And they told me, "Look, but here's the thing. 618 00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:33,206 Whoever you bring, and you yourself, 619 00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:35,917 you can't talk to anybody and you've gotta dress really nice. 620 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:37,168 Those are just the rules. 621 00:30:37,252 --> 00:30:39,796 Because MSG courtside, there's A-list celebrities there 622 00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:41,256 so, you know, that's the rules." 623 00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,007 I was like, "Perfect. No problem." 624 00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:45,176 I call my dad. I'm like, "Dad, great news. 625 00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,137 Tomorrow night, me and you are going to the game, courtside. 626 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:51,140 But you can't talk to anybody and you gotta dress really nice." 627 00:30:51,224 --> 00:30:52,851 He goes, "That's great, Chris. Thanks. 628 00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:57,021 First of all, I'll do whatever the fuck I wanna do. Okay?" 629 00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:58,857 He goes, 630 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,526 "So don't worry about it. 631 00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:04,153 I'll be there in a suit with my New Balance sneakers on, 632 00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,573 because I got the diabetes, so I can't wear my shoes." 633 00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:08,074 -So I was like, "Okay." 634 00:31:08,157 --> 00:31:11,953 So we get there to the game, and it is pretty cool. It's awesome. 635 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:13,079 I'm like, "Wow." 636 00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:15,915 And my dad's walking around. He talks to a ball boy. 637 00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,750 He goes, "Yo, get my son a basketball. 638 00:31:17,834 --> 00:31:20,253 Get him a signed basketball from one of the players. 639 00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:23,590 Okay? And cotton candy. Two cotton candies for my kid." 640 00:31:23,673 --> 00:31:26,301 I'm like, "You're making me feel like a Make-A-Wish. 641 00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:30,972 I brought you here, Dad. This is-- Just stop. Sit down." 642 00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:34,767 And he keeps stomping the court. He kept doing it. Just stomped the court. 643 00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:38,438 He was like, "My feet are on the hardwood, MSG, Chris." 644 00:31:38,521 --> 00:31:41,608 I was like, "Yeah, it's awesome." I'm looking around, taking in the sights. 645 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,235 Then I turn down. He goes, "Take a picture of my foot." 646 00:31:44,319 --> 00:31:46,112 He had taken his shoe and sock off, 647 00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:50,158 and he had his bare, disgusting, decrepit foot 648 00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:52,410 -on the court at MSG. 649 00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,787 He goes, "I'm feeling my foot on the floor." 650 00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:59,125 I was like, "You have no feeling in your diabetic foot, so stop it." 651 00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:01,377 His toes look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. 652 00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:03,546 "Precious." 653 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:05,798 I was like, "Put your shoe and sock on!" 654 00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:09,093 He was like, "All right! My kid's gonna have a heart attack." 655 00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:13,473 And the game's going on. He was putting his foot out to trip a player. 656 00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,351 He'd be like, "How great would that be? Put it on TokTik." 657 00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:17,435 I was like… 658 00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:26,277 So then, I hear my father start running his mouth and talking. 659 00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:30,490 Because it was-- I was sitting here. My father was in the middle. 660 00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,242 And then next to my father was this really famous guy. 661 00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,411 I didn't even look at who it was until the end. 662 00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:39,040 But it was this really famous guy. And my dad's just running his mouth. 663 00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:44,087 My father is the epitome of a human being who just doesn't give a shit at all. 664 00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:48,508 So my dad is talking to this man at the Knicks game, this really famous man. 665 00:32:48,591 --> 00:32:51,219 And he's telling him all about me, which is embarrassing. 666 00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:53,930 I'm like, "You don't have to say anything, Dad. I don't care." 667 00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:56,099 He goes, "My son's a great comedian. 668 00:32:56,182 --> 00:32:58,351 You gotta get on his website, chrisdcomedy.com. 669 00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:02,188 But he's probably sold out of clicks. Sold all the clicks." 670 00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:05,274 I'm like, "It's not how the Internet works, but whatever." 671 00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:07,485 -He goes, "Yeah, those clicks." 672 00:33:07,568 --> 00:33:09,362 Then he goes-- and this is true-- 673 00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:12,532 he goes, "He's got a gig next week at Bananas Comedy Club." 674 00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,534 That's real, Bananas Comedy Club. 675 00:33:14,617 --> 00:33:17,578 It's a comedy club inside a Holiday Inn Express 676 00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:20,999 off the side of the highway in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey. 677 00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,501 They hang live bananas, real bananas over your head 678 00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:25,586 that they got at a bodega two hours before, 679 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,630 in a hotel conference room, I swear to God. 680 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,633 I was really doing a show there. And he's telling him, he goes, 681 00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:33,219 "And my kid's probably sold out, though. He's probably sold out. 682 00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:35,805 So if you put 50 bucks underneath my foot right now, 683 00:33:35,888 --> 00:33:38,516 maybe two tickets will pop up, maybe they won't." 684 00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:40,560 -He's just running his mouth, 685 00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:41,853 and I'm so embarrassed. 686 00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:45,273 I don't even want to look at who this is. I just want this to end. Want this to end. 687 00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:49,110 And then with that, the MSG staff came over 688 00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:52,155 to put the man my father was talking to up on the jumbotron. 689 00:33:52,238 --> 00:33:55,575 -It was Phil Collins, okay? 690 00:33:55,658 --> 00:33:58,995 Phil Collins, a man who sold out the entire world, 691 00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:02,915 was being told to come see me at Bananas Comedy Club 692 00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:07,837 inside a Holiday Inn Express off the side of the highway in New Jersey. 693 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,840 -I go-- Yeah. 694 00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:14,260 I was like, "Dad. Dad, that's Phil Collins." 695 00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:15,970 He was like, "Yeah, he's gay." 696 00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:20,266 I was like, "No, he's not." 697 00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:23,186 And then I watched my father go to Phil Collins. 698 00:34:23,269 --> 00:34:25,229 He goes, "Phil, let me ask you a question. 699 00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:29,067 When you're at home with your family, do you go by 'Phil' or 'Phillip'?" 700 00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:31,944 And he was like, "I usually go by Phillip." 701 00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:33,696 He was like, "This guy smokes cock. 702 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:36,324 -100% this guy smokes cock." 703 00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,909 Guys, thank you so much. 704 00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:42,663 Plus, let me tell you something. 705 00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:44,916 I appreciate you guys coming. 706 00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:48,002 Because guess what? Everybody said no to me. 707 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:51,756 Netflix, HBO, Showtime, they all said no, no, no, no, no. 708 00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,634 So I said, "Fuck it, I'm doing it on YouTube." 709 00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:56,302 So thank you. 710 00:34:56,385 --> 00:35:00,181 I appreciate all the love and support and everything you guys have given me. 711 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:04,310 Thank you. Get up, Max, you white piece of shit. 712 00:35:04,393 --> 00:35:06,771 Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. 713 00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:09,524 Have a good night. You'll see it on YouTube. 714 00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,693 Or if Netflix wants to buy it, I'll sell it to you. Whatever you want. 715 00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:14,362 Thank you, guys. Good night. 716 00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,991 Yes! Good night, everybody. Thank you. 58724

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