All language subtitles for A Swingggin Trio.1

(jazzy music)

(paper rustling)

(jazzy music)

(box closes)

(jazzy music)

(sound of car)

True: Uh, no; no, don't like it.

Nope, don't like
that one either.

Come on, Tony, give
me something good.

Mm hmm; nope, keep
going; uh huh.

(Homer clears throat loudly)

True: Yeah, uh huh, uh huh.

Damn it, Tony, no!

No, no, no; that's
not gonna work -

because it's gonna make
us look like amateurs!

No, you tell him that
we're shooting there.

Okay, and if you find
those - okay, all right.

Shit!

You remember Frank Spence?

Homer: Who?

True: Frank Spence, the
architect; he was at
the Granger's party.

Homer: Listen, I -

True: We're using his place
out on the island; you know,
for the house's exterior.

Babe, it's perfect - the
sound right outside the
bedroom window - perfect.

So when the third act hits
and it all goes to shit,

we get the added gravitas of
crashing waves, screeching
gulls; babe, it's -

Homer: Perfect, listen, babe -

True: Now he's trying to renege,
some BS about major renovations.

Homer: Happy Valentine's Day.

True: Oh, babe, I'm so tired.

Homer: Well, I can
make you some coffee.

True: No, this is
perfect, right here.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

(sound of kissing)

True: You like your present?

Homer: Well -

True: What's that smell?

Babe, you cooked - why?

We have reservations at Sam's.

Aw, shit, I need to call 'em.

Homer: No, no, no; forget
it; forget it; forget it!

True: It's okay; they know me!

Homer: True, I just spent
six hours in the kitchen.

True: I'm sorry,
babe; it's just been -

Homer: One of those days.

True: Yeah, and I'm so -

Homer: Tired, hmm?

All right, I'm gonna
make you something.

True: Babe, I wanted
this to be special.

Homer: This is gonna be special.

True: You like your present?

Homer: Well, what exactly is it?

True: A writing assistant.

Homer: A what?

True: Well, this is
how it was told to me.

You speak into it,
like a recorder,

and it has these algorithms
that were developed by
these kids from MIT,

and it figures out what
you're trying to say
and helps you write.

Homer: What do you
mean, "helps you write?"

True: You know,
plot and character.

It comes up with these scenarios
that you might not have, like
having a writing assistant.

What?

Homer: Do I look like I need
a gadget to help me write?

True: Do you know how
expensive that gadget is?

It's not even out
on the market yet.

The only reason I got one
is because - well, I guess
I can tell you this -

there's an IPO in the works
that Liberty is partnering with.

Homer: So, this is
really about you.

True: Of course,
it's not about me.

Babe, I thought this would be -

Homer: (laughs quietly)

True: Why are you
being so difficult?

Homer: Look, I guess
it's the thought that
counts, huh, so thank you.

You know what's
really difficult?

Missing our apartment back home.

True: I'm sorry - back home?

Homer: Yeah, when you were
all right with me using a good
old-fashioned pen and paper.

True: What, are we in a cave?

Homer: I mean, don't you
miss driving around in
our beat-up old Jetta and
it breakin' down on us?

You know, oysters at
Acme, jazz at Snug Harbor.

True: Of course I miss
it, babe, but do you know
what I miss the most?

It's that you used
to call me your muse.

Homer: You know,
you're still my muse.

True: You mind sayin' that
with a little less enthusiasm?

I'll return the Writebox, okay?

Just don't let me hear
you remindin' me that I
never got you anything
for Valentine's Day.

Homer: You know, True, there
are other gifts, useful ones.

True: I don't know how
you call yourself a
science fiction writer
when you're such a [lutz].

Homer: Movin' on, True.

True: Hey, if you
don't want to embrace
technology, then whatever.

Homer: Okay, Asimov, Clarke,
Lem, Dick - which one of
them would have benefitted

from the suggestions
of the Writebot?

True: Box, not bot - Writebox.

Homer: Well, whatever, whatever.

True: I'm sure if there
were a typewriter handy,
or a computer, they would
have used it in New York.

Hey, Tony, yeah, we're
golden; it's right here.

Yeah, I'm holdin' the
contract right now.

Homer, what are you doing?

Homer, open this door!

(True knocks on door)

Homer, babe, I can lose
a million dollars if this
location falls through!

Homer!

Homer: You are gonna
have to choose.

You know what; maybe
it's about time that I -

True: You what?

Homer: Decide to
get me a new muse.

True: One with my writing sense?

Homer: Well, maybe that's
just not what I want.

True: Or that can
fuck your brains out?

Homer: Right.

True: Good luck
with - ooh, that's -

Homer: And that
is just part one.

True: Well, what's part two?

Homer: Oh, now you wanna
know what part two is.

Now, I have your attention.

True: Just call me greedy.

Homer: Part two is the
meal I spent half a day
preparin' - Homeric gumbo.

True: Homeric - listen to you.

Homer: Split peas with
yellow rice, with a
Nicoise salad topped

with anchovies and
balsamic vinaigrette.

True: You are just
full of surprises.

Homer: You have no idea.

True: Aw, when you
gonna get rid of this?

Homer: Okay, please stop.

True: I just like
the clean-cut Homer.

Homer: Oh, maybe now I'm dirty.

True: That's not what I meant.

Forget it.

Homer: Listen, we
really have to -

True: Shh, I want part three
now; like I said, I'm greedy.

(sound of phone ringtone)

Homer: Aww.

True: Yeah, sorry about that;
no, just Homer bein' silly.

No, it's in the contract.

There's no way he can renege
on the location, okay?

Tony, I - Tony, would
you shut up and listen?

I'm gonna be unavailable for
the rest of the night - yeah.

(mood music)

True: Why, thank you.

Wow, it's freezing!

Homer: Ten years later and
you are still one sexy lady.

True: Everybody's
sexy in a teddy.

Homer: Bullshit!

True: You'd be sexy in a teddy.

I mean, it's a little
small but with some effort,
we could get you in it.

Homer: You'd like
that, wouldn't you?

Freaky freak!

True: You're a freak.

Homer: Mmm, uh oh -
oops, speakin' of - hmm.

True: Hurry, I'm
fading, my love.

Homer: Uh huh.

True: Oh, man, this
production, and Mark wants
me to read a pile of scripts

and give him [two recommends]
before he leaves out
of town on vacation.

Oh, babe, after we have sex,
can you please just shoot me?

Homer: Question - if
you were open to a new
experience, what would it be?

True: Well, you know I want
to have Mark's job one day.

Homer: I'm talking sexually.

What is your fantasy?

True: I don't know,
Homer, can we just eat
and have sex, so we can -

Homer: You know, we
almost did it once.

You don't remember?

True: No.

Homer: Time to refresh.

True: Can you make mine a Cosmo?

Homer: I know what you like.

Millennium Mardi Gras; we
were on Basin Street with
all the pagans, partyin' and
dancin' like it was 1999.

True: Which it was.

Homer: Mm hmm - the streets
were real slick because it
had been recently rainin',

and when we were kissin',
we had to keep wipin'
our hair out of our faces
because it was stickin'.

Then, she appeared, mostly
out of a crowd of young
revelers, a young crowd,

except she was a bit older,
and not as attractive.

I remember the tattoo she had
over her right ample breast.

I remember asking her what it
was, and she said, "Sanskrit."

I asked her what it meant and
she answered me by tonguing
me down long and hard.

You just about lost it.

You ended up pullin' her off
me and spinnin' her around,

and as a payment for your
jealous rage, she ended up
tonguin' you down long and hard.

True: Oh, yeah, I remember.

Homer: Oh, so you do remember.

She wanted us to take her
back to our apartment -

True: And I said, "Hell, no!"

Homer: No, what you said was,
is if we did this, it would have
to be with someone we both knew.

True: Obviously, I was drunk.

Homer: Obviously - cheers.

True: Cheers.

Babe, why are there three
place settings at the table?

Homer?

Homer: I, um, I
invited a friend.

True: A who?

Homer: A friend.

True: Here?

Homer: Yes, here, where else?

True: Why?

Homer: Why not?

True: Okay, come on, hurry up.

Homer: Hurry up what?

True: And say, "Psych;
this is just one of my
jokes I like to play."

Homer: I'm not jokin', True.

True: Then it is
psych - psychotic.

Homer: Okay, okay, look,
can we just discuss this
like the free-spirited
couple we used to be?

True: Babe, we're not kids
runnin' around in the Quarter,
drunk and kissin' strangers.

Homer: We're also not doin'
much in our bed except sleepin'.

Maybe, maybe there's somethin'
else you wanna tell me.

Maybe you got somethin'
else goin' on.

What's so funny?

True: Happy Valentine's Day.

(jazzy music)

Homer: What are you doin'?

You know, you really need to
stop smokin' those cigarettes.

True: If I don't smoke
cigarettes, I smoke weed.

If I smoke weed, I do
coke, and if I do coke,
I lose all our money and
resort to smokin' crack.

To support my crack habit, I
have to sell my ass, so I smoke.

Homer: Ah, the logic of Plato.

Well, I do give it to you
- if you were a crack ho,
maybe I'd see more action.

True: And there we have
it, the crux of the
issue - you getting some.

Homer: Okay, you come
in late; you sleep; you
wake up early; you leave.

True: I'm tired, Homer, okay?

That's what happens
when you work hard.

Maybe you should try it.

Homer: What do you
think I do here?

You think I just lay around
all day and do nothin'?

True: That's not
what I mean, babe.

I love your work, but
sometimes you just -

Homer: Oh, honey, I'm
the [unintelligible].

True: Maybe you should
try waking me with some
love and affection.

You'd be surprised how
far that would get you.

Homer: You are asking me to wake
the dead, (gasps playfully).

I'm sorry; look, it's
just - I don't know

I feel like I just
need more inspiration.

True: Inspiration
used to come so easy.

Do you remember all those
- so, where'd you find her?

Homer: Who?

True: The bitch.

Homer: I, um -

True: Did you pick her
to complement me 'cause,
I mean, we both know

how important it is for
your characters to play out
the drama to perfection.

Of course, you will have had
to sample the merchandise.

Homer: (laughs quietly)

True: Look at you -
you did, didn't you?

(doorbell rings)

True: What are you doin' here?

Bryce: Girl, what
are you doin' here?

True: This is my house.

Bryce: Your house?

Homer: Bryce!

True: Homer, what is this?

Homer: You two know each other.

Bryce: Yeah! True: No!

Bryce: No, I mean, no,
we kinda know each other
but not really know -

Homer: Why don't you get out
of the doorway, come on inside.

So, do you two know
each other or not?

Homer: (laughs
quietly) A stripper.

Bryce: Exotic dancer, actually.

Homer: No, no, no, so you met
Bryce at the Jackhammer Club.

True: How did you know
the name of the club?

Homer: Well, True, let's be
honest - there's not millions
of strip clubs around here.

What were you doin' there?

True: Well, the girls and
I thought it would be cool.

Homer: The girls?

True: Yeah, we didn't stay long.

Homer: Long enough for
Bryce to make an impression.

True: You obviously knew
about him; I mean, why
else would he be here?

Homer: I know
Bryce from the gym.

True: What?

Bryce: Oh, he didn't tell you
- I'm his new personal trainer.

Homer: Correction, lobbyin'
to be my new personal trainer.

True: I'm sorry, this is freaky.

Homer: Is it?

True: Oh, come on, Homer,
you have to admit it.

Bryce: It is kinda -

Homer: Kinda what?

Bryce: Look, I'm startin' to
feel like I'm a third wheel
or somethin' - I should -

Homer: No, no, no, no, no,
no, take off your jacket.

Bryce: Oh, well.

Homer: So, Bryce, would
you like - (laughs quietly)
- would you like a glass
of wine or a martini?

Bryce: Uh, yeah,
some water, please.

Homer: Water?

Bryce: Yeah, the alcohol
thing, man - who needs
the calories, right?

Homer: That's why I need
ya, huh, Bryce, to remind
me of my calorie count?

Bryce: You already learnin'.

Homer: How about you, babe
- you want another Cosmo?

True: No.

Homer: Well, the food's
ready; it just needs to be -

True: Homer!

Homer: Do you mind?

Bryce: No, no, not at all.

True: Why is he in our home?

Homer: I invited him to dinner.

True: So, you
didn't know about -

Homer: Know about what?

(jazzy music)

True: You know what
I'm talkin' about.

Homer: No, I do not know
what you're talkin' about.

True: You implied it ten minutes
ago downstairs when you -

Homer: Can you please be quiet?

You are gonna scare
off our dinner guest.

(mellow jazz music)

True: You were
the one downstairs
talkin' about fantasy.

Homer: Okay, well, is
this what you want?

True: What!

Homer: Okay, look, look,
look, I know I'm a little
slow on the uptake here,

and I'm gonna catch up
eventually but you know, I
find it a bit interesting

that now that we're talkin'
about a man instead of a woman,

you're all of a sudden
interested in, you know -

True: That is not funny, Homer.

(mellow jazz music)

Homer: True, come on,
are you gonna leave
me hangin' like this?

True: What I really want
is to leave my handprint
across your face.

Homer: Okay, okay, look -

I know I'm full of surprises,
but there was a time in our past
when you actually liked that.

Remember, hmm?

Hey, levitatin'.

(jazzy music)

(bag falls to floor)

(jazzy music)

True: Is this what you need?

(man stuffs items in bag)

(jazzy music)

True: I'm gonna take a shower.

Homer: So, you're actually
gonna come downstairs.

True: Only because I'm
starving and I happen to
love your food, motherfucker.

(jazzy music)

Bryce: (laughs quietly) Hey,
what's up, man; I was just, uh -

Homer: True's a little upset.

Bryce: Why?

Homer: Well, you saw
her in her "I'm gonna
go to the day spa" look.

She's gettin' dressed.

Bryce: Cool, cool; this is a
lovely home you got here, Homer.

Homer: It is a lovely cage.

Bryce: Well, I can only hope to
have a cage this lovely one day.

Homer: If you say so, Bryce.

Drink?

Bryce: Uh, just a
water would be fine.

Homer: Water - what
are you, a whale?

Bryce: I don't think whales
drink water, Homer; you know,
the ocean, salt and all.

Homer: Maybe, you're a shark
- da dah, da dah, da dah.

Bryce: Ah, [unintelligible];
I see you got a little
Creole thing goin' on.

Homer: Cajun, actually.

Bryce: Creole, Cajun,
what's the difference, huh?

Homer: Don't go to
Louisiana, Bryce.

Bryce: Question - do you
know where the word "gumbo"
actually comes from?

Homer: Oh, no.

Bryce: Africa - it means okra.

Homer: Not true.

Bryce: Actually, it is.

Homer: "Kombo" is what
the Choctaw Indians used
to call sassafras, aka
"file," aka gumbo thickener.

Bryce: No, no, no, I heard -

Homer: It's a little
irrelevant here because
I just don't use it -

just a well-stirred roue and
a sprinklin' of okra to tease
the palate - not kombo, okay?

So, here - drink this, and quit
pretendin' to be a porpoise.

Bryce: Well, one night
won't kill me, right?

Homer: No.

Bryce: Um, and just so you know,
if I'm your personal trainer,

you get one night a week
to eat whatever you want,
anyway - sassafras, file.

Homer: So, Bryce,
did you fuck her?

Bryce: I'm sorry?

Homer: My wife,
did you fuck her?

You know, in the parkin'
lot, or in a cheap hotel,
off the freeway about
a mile from the club?

I want to know, did you
stick your dick in her?

Bryce: Look, man, I don't
want no trouble, all right?

Homer: (laughs quietly) Hoo,
"I don't want no trouble."

I'm sorry; I'm sorry;
I'm sorry; I'm sorry.

Was it something
I said? (laughs)

Oh, joke, my friend; just joke.

Bryce: Great joke. (laughs)

True: Frank, it's True
Moore from Liberty Pictures.

Listen, sweetie, I'm gonna
be in New York this weekend.

I would love to meet with you.

I was hopin' we could
carve out a little time,
so I'll call you tomorrow
when I land, okay, love?

Bye-bye.

Homer: (laughs)

Bryce: Actually, it's
not that much different
than personal trainin'.

Homer: Except you're
personally trainin' a pussy.

Bryce: (laughs) Actually, no.

Homer: Liar.

Bryce: (laughs quietly)
It's not like that, man.

Homer: Liar!

Bryce: Look, I don't have to get
on stage to attract women, okay?

Homer: Liar.

Bryce: Oh, you have no idea.

Homer: I think I have an idea.

Bryce: (laughs) See,
Homer, my real talent is
recognizing opportunity
when it shows itself.

I mean, I could be
personally training,
exotic dancing, whatever,

but they're all
just opportunities.

Homer: So, let's get
back to strippin' -

Bryce: Exotic dancing.

Homer: Before you moved on,
was there any hot, horny -

Bryce: (laughs) Okay.

Homer: AHA!

Bryce: There, uh, there
was this one time.

Homer: Tell me about it.

Bryce: (laughs) Oh, now you
want to know everything!

Homer: I want to know
all the ins and outs.

Bryce: Are you sure?

(jazzy music)

True: No, I decorated.

Bryce: You did?

True: Yes.

Bryce: Really, so you just let
Homer stick to the cooking?

True: Oh, yeah,
Homer's a great cook.

Homer: She means
good house-husband.

True: That is not what I
meant, and you know it.

I keep telling him, Bryce, that
he should think about opening -

Homer: Please, don't.

True: Babe, this town
needs a great restaurant.

Homer: Hmm, translation
- I'd make a better
cook than a writer.

True: You'd be the hottest
chef in town, babe.

Bryce: Well, this is, uh,
better than anything I've
eaten in a restaurant.

Homer: Actually, you
know what I'd be good at?

True: What?

Homer: A cop.

True: Oh, babe, don't start.

Homer: Seriously - all the
research I do anyway, I'd
make a great detective.

Hmm, so, Bryce,
where do you eat?

Bryce: What?

Homer: Well, you said my
food was just about as
good as anything you've
had in a restaurant, so -

Bryce: Well, I'm not big into
the whole restaurant scene.

Homer: Oh?

Bryce: But occasionally,
I do partake.

Homer: Aww, [unintelligible]
Burger King.

So, where then?

Bryce: Well, I recently
went to Gladstone's.

Homer: Oh, Gladstone's, oh!

Bryce: Yes, over
there in Malibu.

Homer: I know where
Gladstone's is, Bryce.

So, Gladstone's is good, huh?

Bryce: Yeah, yeah, it's
all right but this is -

Homer: Better?

Bryce: Yes.

Homer: As in culinary genius, as
in I should open up a restaurant

and forget this crazy
idea of becoming a
celebrated literary figure?

Is that what you
mean, Bryce, huh?

Bryce: Uh -

True: Homer, Bryce might
not appreciate your
wicked humor, okay?

Bryce: (laughs) No, no, no,
it's cool; I get it, I get it.

Homer: Why are you laughin'?

Bryce: 'Cause it's funny.

Homer: What's funny?

Bryce: You.

Homer: Aw, hey, babe, did
you know that you married a
circus clown - honk, honk.

True: I have suspected, babe.

Bryce: Look, man, I'm talkin'
about the way you joke.

Homer: Who says I'm jokin', hmm?

Bryce: Well, even if you're not
jokin', it's still kinda funny.

Homer: Hmm.

True: So, Bryce -

Bryce: So, True -

True: Stripper slash personal
trainer slash whatever.

Bryce: Just, uh, just
personal trainer.

True: What kind of
trainer are you?

Bryce: What does that mean?

True: Are you good?

Bryce: I'm very good.

Homer: She means are you
as good a personal trainer
as you are a stripper.

Bryce: Exotic dancer.

Homer: Dancer - I'm sorry.

True: What I meant,
Bryce, was can you make my
husband as buff as you are?

Bryce: I keep tellin'
Homer that, uh -

True: What do you tell him?

Bryce: Discipline.

True: Hear that, Homer?

Homer: Uh huh; in
your dreams, sadist.

Bryce: Look, protein,
weights, supplements -
that's all he needs -

Homer: (coughs)
[Unintelligible].

Bryce: If you stick with those
three, it'll all fall together.

True: So, what would you
do with me if you could
personally train me?

Homer: Yes, what
would you do with her?

Bryce: Well, with her
- with you, I mean,
well, you're already -

Homer: She's what,
[unintelligible]; she's what?

Bryce: Kinda perfect.

Mm, little trivia -
do you know where the
martini glass comes from?

Homer: Well -

Bryce: Marie Antoinette.

Homer: Well, really?

Bryce: Yeah, they say it was
fashioned after the shape
of her breast, actually.

Homer: Ohh, who's "they?"

Bryce: They?

Homer: "They" they.

Yeah, let's see.

You're gonna have to
help me out here, babe;
pull your breast out.

True: What?

Homer: You heard me,
woman; remove thou breast.

True: Hell, no.

Homer: Aw, come on;
we're all friends here.

True: Guess I'm not
Marie Antoinette.

Homer: Aw, I don't know,
babe; you're not beyond
a "let them eat cake"
moment every now and again.

True: Fuck you, Homer.

Bryce: There are
different-sized martini glasses.

Homer: Actually, Bryce, the
champagne saucer was originally
fashioned after Marie's tit.

Bryce: Really?

Homer: Mmm, don't
sound so disappointed
- points for tryin'.

True: I like your
version better, Bryce.

Homer: Oh, but it's not true.

True: Well, neither
is yours so who cares?

I mean, I like it bein' a
martini glass; it's sexier.

Homer: Yeah, well, if it's not
true, then there needs to be
some truth in this about it.

Look here - whose tit
could fit in there?

True: I don't know; I could
see her pert little breast
sitting right in there,

the perfect
[unintelligible], so cute.

Homer: The champagne
saucer's bigger; that's cute.

True: Babe, you
and your bigger -

Bryce: Oop, you all right?

True: Yeah.

Homer: Verisimilitude -
every good story has it.

Remember that, Bryce.

Bryce: If you say so, Homer.

Homer: So, uh, do you write?

Bryce: No, no, not really.

Homer: Well, is it
no, or not really?

Bryce: A little blogging
every now and then, but -

Homer: Verisimilitude
- verily, verily -

True: So, have you ever thought
about being in the movies?

Bryce: Can't say I have.

True: You should; that
could be your next slash.

Bryce: Right.

True: I'm serious;
trust me, I know.

Homer: Trust her; she
knows - verily, verily -

True: You know, it's
not just good looks.

I mean, you have that
already, but it's a thing.

Bryce: A thing?

True: Yeah, I mean the
camera doesn't like -
Homer, shut the fuck up!

Homer: Verily, verily, I say
unto you, verisimilitude.

Bryce: Where's your, uh
- where's your bathroom?

True: It's down the hall.

Bryce: I'll be right back.

True: I think I'm done drinking.

Homer: One more, then, hmm?

True: Homer.

Homer: One more and
that should do it, huh?

Bryce: Shit!

True: How far are we
gonna take this, Homer?

Homer: Oh, um, I don't know.

True: Don't you think
you should know?

Homer: Well, you're the
genius story analyst, right?

What does your boss call you
- one story-pickin' fool?

True: He says it out of
respect for what I do.

You make it sound
like an insult.

Homer: Shouldn't you be
able to tell me where this
fairy tale ends, babe?

Okay, okay, let's just say
that we're gonna know that we
get there - when we get there.

Bryce: (clears throat)

Homer: You know, those
things'll kill you.

True: Whatever.

Bryce: Mind if I join you?

I need some air.

Homer: I know what
you need, Bryce.

I know everything.

Bryce: This is beautiful;
it's like livin' in the trees.

True: Topanga Canyon's
the one place in all of
LA that Homer can stomach.

That's why I - why we're here.

Bryce: So, you're a
producer, like Hollywood?

True: I'm sure Homer's
told you all about that.

Bryce: Nah, I just,
uh - you really think
I could be an actor?

True: Perhaps.

Bryce: (laughs)
Now it's "perhaps."

And here I was, hopin' it
was gonna be my next slash.

You know, when opportunity shows
itself, I'm like, I'm ready.

True: Sorry, I have no idea
if you can act, although
that was some acting.

Bryce: (laughs) Well,
I wasn't acting then.

True: No?

Bryce: No.

True: I could feel that.

Bryce: Girl, you know
that's the only -

True: Homer's been pretty
miserable to live with
lately, and I just need
a little - whatever.

Bryce: Yeah, it's like he's
suspicious or somethin'.

So, how'd you two meet anyway?

True: LSU - I was already
on my way out, had been
accepted to law school.

Bryce: Oh, yeah, where at?

True: Harvard - Homer
was a freshman, which
was stupid on my part,

an outgoing senior dating
a freshman, but I did.

He was very persistent
in that devilish way
that he has about him.

He wrote me a poem every
day for three months.

Ninety-two poems, each
different, each managing
to just touch my soul.

Every time I think about
it, I get a little -

So, we did the long-distance
thing, me at Cambridge
and him finishing
undergrad, three years.

Bryce: It must have been hard.

True: It was beautiful.

When we were together,
we levitated,

and when we were apart,
well, I just studied nonstop,

trying desperately to forget
how much I missed him.

When I got back home, I
got a job that allowed
us to get married,

and allowed Homer to pursue
his writing unimpeded.

It's crazy, you know,
how life takes you where
you don't expect it.

Bryce: Hmm, a writer.

True: He wrote a novel called,
"The Transversion;" it's -

Bryce: What?

True: The most beautiful thing.

Bryce: Huh, I'll look for it.

True: It's not published
yet, although it will be.

I have people waiting.

He just needs to
feel right about it.

He's ready; I know it,
and I mean, I have a good
sense about these things.

Bryce: Like my acting (laughs).

Homer: What's goin' on out here?

True: Nothing, my
love, just talking.

Homer: (clears throat)

True: I am tellin' you, babe,
you got Master Chef hoverin'
right above your head.

Homer: I'm sorry, did you say
somethin', because I'm havin'
a hard time hearin' you.

Bryce: You guys, you
got any more wine?

Homer: Wine, water,
whatever; we have more vodka.

Bryce: I don't drink vodka.

Homer: Well, I'm gonna put just
a little bit into your coffee,

and then I'm gonna put cream to
the top; you'd hardly notice it.

Bryce: Damn, this looks good.

Homer: Uh, uh, uh uh -

Bryce: Ow, damn!

Homer: No.

Bryce: So, Homer, True told
me about your little book.

Homer: True's a liar.

True: No, I'm not.

Bryce: Actually, she said the
shit was great; what's it about?

True: Three worlds in
a distant solar system.

Homer: Please, I
don't need you -

True: Shut up.

The first planet is called
Nudie, and it has this
race of - what would
you call them, Homer?

Homer: Caw, caw.

True: Intelligent birds; the
females rule on Nudie, and the
men are pretty much slaves.

There's this process
called "transversion," and
it's this mysterious way

that their souls travel great
distances and communicate.

Bryce: Oh, trans what?

True: It's kinda like -

Homer: All right, stop,
you're givin' him a headache.

Bryce: No, no, no,
no; I'm fine, Homer.

Homer: Well, you're
givin' me a headache, and
you're ruinin' the mood.

True: You wrote the damn thing;
why can't you be proud of it?

Homer: Okay, thank you.

No, I mean it, thank you.

Bryce: So, True, you
done any movies lately,
or anything like that?

Homer: Aw, she is always
workin' in movies - busy, busy.

True: And since we're
moving on, Grand Prix
Production on The Kindhearted
Ones; you heard of it?

Bryce: No, huh uh.

True: Really, 'cause I
mean it's pretty big.

I actually discovered
the script, first-time
writer out of NYU.

It's a horror film.

Bryce: I love horror movies.

Homer: (sighs)

True: More like
psychological horror.

You know, it's about The Furies.

Bryce: Like in Greek mythology.

Homer: (whistles)

True: Good for you.

The Furies were the forces
from hell, you know, kinda
like always depicted as women -

Bryce: Right.

True: As usual, and they
could pretty much make
your life a living hell

if you were to do something
like - I don't know -

Homer: Murder your wife.

True: Anyway, we have
[Merrill Renee] and this
new girl, Phoebe Shapiro.

I mean, she's only 12
but already amazing - the
next Ellen Page, watch.

Anyway, they're the Furies
and they're after De Niro.

Bryce: De Niro, "Taxi Driver."

True: Mm hmm.

Bryce: Are you talking
to me? (laughs)

True: I mean, it's really
only his voiceover,
but you know what?

I really shouldn't be
telling you about this.

Bryce: No, no, no, no,
don't stop now; keep goin'.

True: Okay, so the twist
is that De Niro killed his
brother when they were younger

so he could take over the family
business, and the kindhearted
ones are after him big time.

But, he's found a way
to hide from them.

He's taken his soul and put it
on a mansion in Long Island.

Bryce: What?

True: Yeah, so they
can't find him; I mean -

Homer: "Monster House."

Bryce: You say somethin', Homer?

Homer: I'm sorry but the
plot's been done before.

True: For your information,
this is not a cartoon, okay?

Homer: Okay, and the man
runs from retribution,
from dark forces,

by putting himself
in other people?

That's "Angel Heart,"
and guess what?

Robert De Niro was in that,
too; what are the odds, huh?

Bryce: "Angel Heart,
Angel Heart, Angel
Heart;" what is that?

True: And that's what
you don't realize, babe.

The audience only knows what
they're seeing in the moment.

Nobody's miserable but you.

Homer: Mmm, miserable, hmm?

True: Yeah, babe, I mean
all of us are just doin' our
work, puttin' it out there,

lettin' the chips fall
where they may, and if
you weren't such a coward,
you would do the same.

Homer: Coward - coward
and miserable, too?

True: Babe, it's ready; face
the facts and trust the work.

Homer: You really
have no idea, do you?

True: I guess I don't.

I mean I'm just your wife, who
happens to be the one person

who loves your book so much
that I can get it sold.

Bryce: Oh, did see
"Monster House" - loved it.

Homer: Come on, Byrce, let's go.

Bryce: What about my pie?

Homer: Fuck the
pie, Bryce, come on.

There!

Bryce: You wrote all
these pages; that's -

Homer: Incredible, inspirin'?

Two thousand pages,
ten years, what's the
difference, if it's shit?

Bryce: But True says it's -

Homer: The most amazing
thing she's ever read.

Wanna know what's funny - how
she actually believes it's true.

Bryce: She's a producer;
she would know.

Homer: Do you know how
many years of research
I put into this -

the genetics of tryin' to build
three distinct alien races,

all surviving in extreme
environments - to a
transvergent technology.

You know it was based in
[unintelligible] theory,

the fact that we now know you
can be in two places at the
same time, on a quantum level.

It's science faction in the
vein of Asimov, Clarke, Lem.

That's when she won her award.

Bryce: Looks good.

Homer: So, what do you think?

Bryce: She's fine, man. (laughs)

Homer: Is she worth fuckin'?

Bryce: That's kind of an
awkward question, seein'
that you're her husband.

Homer: But I'm the one
askin', so why is it awkward?

Bryce: It just is, that's all.

Homer: Just answer the question.

Bryce: You mean like
hypothetically, would I -

Homer: No, I don't
mean hypothetically;
I mean here, tonight.

Bryce: More jokes, huh?

Homer: Five hundred dollars;
five hundred dollars
is what I will pay you

to have sex with my wife
here tonight, in our bed,

but I do not want you to discuss
the money with her, seein' as
how I think it would insult her.

Listen, I know she
finds you attractive.

Stop actin' like you
don't know that; just stop
actin' like you don't know.

Bryce: Homer -

Homer: Damn it, didn't
you say earlier that you
thought she was perfect?

I mean, what, were you lyin'?

Bryce: She's your wife.

Homer: So?

I don't have a problem;
she doesn't have a problem,
so what's the problem?

Look, we discussed it already.

Bryce: Hold up, are you
tellin' me all this shit
tonight was planned?

Homer: Look, we used to
dabble with it in our
past, just know that.

I don't need to go into
the details; just know
that she is onboard.

(clapping sound)
Welcome to the party!

Wake up, sleepyhead.

True: Sorry, uhh, guess I'm a
little bit of a lightweight.

Babe, I really
need to go to bed.

Homer: Bed - it's not even 2:00.

True: Babe, I have a
really long day tomorrow.

Homer: Busy, busy.

Bryce: It is gettin' late.

Homer: Shut up.

True: Homer!

Homer: No, it's
okay; it's all right.

I can talk to Bryce like
that - ya wanna know why?

Because Bryce is my new
personal trainer man, so we are
going to have a drink to it.

True: Oh, Homer.

Homer: Oh, come on, we
have to toast because
in two weeks, Bryce -

well, or me, am goinna
look as diesel as Bryce.

Cheers!

One more.

True: No, I'm done
drinkin', okay?

Homer: Okay, please, just one
more, just one more, and then
we'll go beddy-bye, all right?

Here you are.

To my new personal trainer man.

So, Bryce, let's see it.

Bryce: See what?

Homer: The body, dude; I
wanna know what I'm workin'
towards - take your shirt off.

Bryce: No.

Homer: Oh, don't become a
pussy now; it's not like
she ain't seen ya already.

Take your shirt off - and
True, don't you wanna see
what's underneath the hood -

I mean, just to reminisce?

True: Whatever, Homer.

Homer: See, aww, two versus one,
majority rules - take it off.

Woo, wow; so, babe, is
there anything similar with
this sightin' of this UFO?

True: I don't know.

Homer: Really?

True: I don't remember.

Homer: Oh, well, I'm just
askin' is he well-formed; is
he chiseled from the gods;

is he worth our fuckin' money?

True: He's very nice, okay.

Homer: Very nice; well, you're
very nice, Bryce - that rhymes.

True: Put your shirt on.

Homer: Aw, nope!

Bryce: Give me my
God damn shirt!

Homer: We want to
see your routine.

Bryce: What the fuck,
Homer - what routine?

(lively music)

Homer: I want to see -
well, not we, because
True's already seen it,

but I want to see what a
male strip show is all about.

True: Homer, you are trippin'.

Homer: Oh, come on, I just want
to see you dance a little bit,
so come one - let's get busy.

Bryce: I don't think so.

Homer: Come one, Bryce,
I want to see you dance.

Bryce: I'm not dancing.

Homer: Come - but I -

Bryce: No!

True: All right, stop it,
Homer; now, you're just
getting' stupid, okay?

Homer: Oh, okay, fine,
no strippin' - then hold
on - what about this?

(slow music)

May I please have this dance?

(slow music)

Homer: Oh, now, would
you do me the honor of
dancin' with my wife?

(slow music)

Homer: I know you could do
better, and True, I know you
can do better - I've seen it.

Where's the bump;
where's the grind?

Now, kiss.

(slow music)

True: No, no, stop
it, Bryce; this is -

Homer: Well, what happened?

True: Look, we're
all drunk, okay?

Homer: You two seem so familiar.

True: This has been a really
interesting night, okay,

but I've got to go to
work in three hours, and
you're a nice guy, but -

Homer: But what?

True: I thought this
was - never mind.

Homer: True!

True: I can't do it, Homer!

Homer: You mean you won't
do it in front of me.

I mean, don't act like
y'all ain't never done this
before; you two have history.

Bryce: That's not why I'm here.

Homer: Shut the fuck up!

Don't act like I don't know
what you're doin' all hours
of the night - workin'.

True: All right, we've already
established that I went there.

Homer: Oh, really; what
about the number on the back?

Are you in the habit of
getting numbers from strippers?

Bryce: Exotic dancer.

Homer: Shut up! True: Shut up!

True: How could I; I mean,
obviously, I lost the number.

Homer: Oh, after you
put the number in your
phone under Angeli Warhol
of Liberty Pictures.

True: You checked my phone?

Homer: Well, it was a
hard task to take on.

I had to look into your
phone while you were asleep
in our bed, which you
rarely do here anymore.

Let's just say it was a
tricky situation to deal with.

True: I cannot believe
you went behind my back
and checked my phone!

Homer: Research, babe;
I'm very good at it.

It's also how I found out
that your dumb ass didn't
work at Jackhammer's anymore,
and you worked at the gym.

What are you, a fuckin' idiot?

Why do you think I signed up?

That gym is thirty miles away!

You're here because I
want you to be here,

because I want you to tell me
what you're doin' with my wife!

Bryce: Trust me, that is -

Homer: And you are gonna
continue to just stand
there and lie to me!

True: You know what,
while you're so busy
snoopin' in my phone,

I hope you did your research
and checked what numbers I call.

Homer: Lies.

True: You will find that
I never called his number!

Homer: More lies!

True: You know what!

You're drunk; you're
drunk and you got too
much time on your hands!

Get a job, Homer!

Homer: Admit it; admit
it, it's the truth!

It's a very simple
thing to do, and I'm not
just talkin' about him!

I'm talkin' about when you're
travelin' the globe, and comin'
in at all hours of the night!

Don't think that I didn't
know that from the beginnin'
how you got to where you got!

I am not an idiot, so why
don't you just tell me!

Tell me the truth; I
want to know the truth!

True: Yeah - yeah, babe, I
fucked him; I fucked him so many
times I can't even remember!

I fucked everybody - my
assistant, my boss, my old boss!

I even fucked my
college professor!

You know what, shit, I
even fuck the gardener
while you're not lookin'.

And when I take the car in
to get the oil changed, I
fuck the mechanic, too!

Shit, we do it right on
top of the hydraulic so
everybody else can watch.

And you know what - tomorrow
when I go to New York,
I'm gonna fuck the bankers

at CitiBank just so I
can make sure that my
financing is secure.

And after that, I'm gonna fuck
Frank Finn, so I can make sure
he don't renege on the location,

because that's what
I do, Homer, right?

I fuck everybody, 'cause
it's the only thing
I'm good at, right?

Get the fuck outta my way!

Homer: Hoo!

Bryce: You know
what I think, Homer?

Homer: I don't give a
fuck what you think.

Bryce: I think you're
an unsuccessful,
insecure little bitch!

Homer: Oh, bitch - did
you just come up with that
on your own, steroid-boy?

Bryce: Fuck you!

Homer: Fuck me; I bet
you know what a fuck
is, bein' a stripper.

Bryce: You don't know a
God damn thing about me.

Homer: No, I do know
things about you

You're an ex-stripper that
acts like a personal trainer
to fuck other people's wives.

Is that it?

You got secrets about
you, Bryce - I see 'em.

Bryce: You don't
know shit about me.

Homer: Oh, really?

Bryce: Yeah - all right,
all right; you keep
thinkin' that, Homer.

Keep thinkin' that about me.

Bryce: True.

True: What are
you doin' up here?

Bryce: Oh, your door was open;
I just - well, I was leavin',

but it felt kinda rude
of me to leave and not
say good night to you.

Truth is, I kinda had fun - that
is, before all that drama popped
up, I was havin' a good time.

Look, True, I'm just gonna
come out and say this.

I didn't come over
here expectin' any of
this, believe me, okay?

But, here I am,
and here you are.

You're smart, successful,
sexy, perfect.

(glass falling over)

(glass breaking)

(jazzy music)

True: Is this what you
wanted to see, my love?

What do you think
- are you inspired?

I asked you if you
were inspired, my love.

Are you?

(jazzy music)

(water running)

(sounds of True crying)

Homer: Ahh, ahh, aw.

So, I owe you $500.

Bryce: No, man, you
don't owe me anything.

Homer: No, no, it's
what we discussed.

Bryce: Homer, trust
me, I don't need it.

Homer: Well, hold on.

Bryce: No, Homer, I got a class
in like ten minutes; I gotta go!

Homer: Just wait.

Bryce: All right, all right.

True: Hey, how you feelin'?

Homer: Why?

True: Just all that drinking,
and the - Homer, I'm - Homer,
it's what you wanted, right?

Inspiration.

Homer: Here.

Bryce: Thanks, man; what is it?

Homer: Maybe another opportunity
for you to take advantage of.

True: Still here?

Bryce: Oh, I was just leavin'.

Homer: Pen and paper.

True: Yeah, it was
nice meeting you.

Bryce: Yeah.

This has been interesting.

True: That it has.

Bryce: Oh, so when do you
think we could get together
and talk about anything -

True: Good bye, Bryce.

Bryce: Listen, True, I really
think we made a connection.

I would love to talk to you some
more, just a little bit about -

True: I'm leaving.

Don't forget to wash
the cars, and fill mine
up; I'm sorry I forgot.

Oh, and can you tell the
gardener to prune the roses
out back; they're a mess.

Homer, look at me;
am I still your -

(sound of phone ringtone)

True: (laughs) You
wanna know what's funny?

(laughs) I didn't even
sleep with him; never even
saw him again after that
night at Jackhammer's.

Yeah, I thought about it; it
was a really great lap dance.

Almost reminded me of you
when I used to come home
to visit from law school,

when you used to
levitate, remember?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I know it looked real
suspicious, but I didn't
sleep with him; you
have to believe that.

Homer: Verisimilitude.

True: What?

True: Funny, you know, for the
longest time, I've been feelin'
bad about you and me, and us.

I want to help you, Homer, but
I can't make you accept my help,

so you know what - I'm done.

I am done apologizing for who I
am, for being good at what I do.

You wanna think I slept
with that guy, or that I
fucked my way to where I
am, that's your problem.

But you wanna know
the real truth, Homer?

It's that you need to
find your own truth.

(sound of phone ringtone)

True: Yes, Tony,
I'm leaving now.

Oh, you know what, Tony,
stop treating me like
some adolescent, okay.

(sound of True speaking fades)

(slow jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

(Homer sighs)

(jazzy music)

(water running)

(jazzy music)

(papers rustling)

(jazzy music)

(shower running)

(water running)