All language subtitles for tschmp11

♪ triumphant fanfare plays ♪

Thank you. Hello, I'm Greg Davies,

and this, ladies and gentlemen,

is Taskmaster Champion
of Champions!

[cheers and applause]

Five series, five trophies, and
five almighty champions

returning for your entertainment
and my judgment.

Here to prove their worth in the
most conclusive way imaginable.

Yes, just one of them
will leave this arena

crowned the Taskmaster
Champion of Champions,

and walk away with the
ultimate prize in humanity...

Oh! My actual body.

- [laughter]
- So, without further ado,

let's meet your past champions
and see how they've aged.

They are... Bob Mortimer!

Josh Widdicombe!

Katherine Ryan!

Noel Fielding!

And Rob Beckett!

[applause]

And here, smug as a pug,
so servile it's vile,

[high-pitched] Oh, who is it?!

[laughter]

It's little Alex Hooorne!

[cheers and applause]

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

This is exciting, isn't it?

- Very exciting.
- Are you excited?

I am excited. It's like when you wake
up on the morning... of Pancake Day.

You think, "What's gonna happen?
What am I gonna get?"

[laughter]

Exciting.

- Are you gonna get some pancakes?
- Exactly, and I love pancakes.

So it's a good day, it's a good day.

And also, you're thinking,
"How many pancakes?"

Two pancakes?

Exactly the right amount of pancakes.

So it's a, um...

I mean, five series in, this
is our worst banter yet.

[laughter]

So what have we got first?

Well, as it's the
Champion of Champions,

we thought we should do
something a little bit different.

But then we changed our mind and we
thought we'd keep it exactly the same.

- Exactly the same.
- We're very busy people.

So it's the time for the prize task.

Each of our champion contestants

are not only playing for
the ultimate life trophy,

but each episode will
also see them vie for

one another's personal
possessions.

[Greg whistles]

Today we've asked them to bring in

the thing that genuinely causes
them the most embarrassment.

- Wow.
- OK?

Whoever's thing you deem
the most cringeworthy

will get the first five
points of the show,

and at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home

five monstrously
embarrassing things.

Champion number one, Bob
Mortimer, what have you got?

I've brought in a picture that my son
drew when he was about five.

And it was featured in the
exhibition of his year's artwork.

And it was what he drew...
that embarrassed me.

What did he draw?

He drew dog dirt.

[laughter and applause]

Was it on display at the school?

Yes, it was their little exhibition
at the end of the year.

Were you genuinely embarrassed?

Not really.

[laughter and applause]

[Greg] Um, Josh?

This is genuinely...

the most embarrassing
experience of my life.

I have brought in a...

DVD of when I made an
ill-judged appearance

on Andrew Neil's
This Week in Politics.

Oh, yes!

I've seen this!

[laughter]

I won't-- I won't spoil,
because it's amazing.

[laughter]

- So this Josh Widdicombe.
- Oh, God.

Here we go.

What did you make of
the report this week

that people recruiting for top jobs

prefer people without
regional accents?

I think it's... I- I--
It doesn't surprise me.

Um, obviously, it's quite
a sad situation, that.

I think... I mean, I've not been
in the job market for some time.

Um, I don't think, um...

I think...

It's not a surprise,
but I... I... I...

I mean, is that news?

[laughter and applause]

Next week, the guest on This Week in
Politics was one of my friends.

So he phoned me up and said,
"Have you got any tips?"

I said, "Well, you should
probably watch it."

And he phoned me back up
and he was like, "Mate..."

"It's the biggest car crash
I've ever seen."

And that man was Rob Beckett.

[laughter and applause]

Katherine, what is your
embarrassing item?

I used to produce my little sisters in
a number of films for my school.

Yeah.

My sister starred in
a film about World War II

and the teacher got
really upset about it.

He was from Germany.

[laughter]

And my parents got called in,
and my sister is not like me,

and this has been a great
source of embarrassment

for the whole family for
a number of years.

And what better way to make up for
it than put it on television?

Here it is.

[Katherine] Interview with Hitler.

Interview with Hi-- [she laughs]

Interview with Hitler.

[laughter and applause]

Did she really get called into school?
Did your parents really get called...?

Oh, yeah, and it was
not the only time.

I didn't understand.

I could never, when I was little,

understand why I kept
making people mad.

'Cause I was always just
trying to do my best.

I was like, "He'll love this
video about Hitler."

She had facts, she did a great job...

- I wish you could show it.
- She kept getting the giggles,

which I don't think was
that authentic.

[laughter]

[Greg] Amazing. Right, Noel?

I feel embarrassed now,

thinking about this photograph
I'm about to show you.

It's basically a picture
of me on holiday,

in Florida with my family,

and I think it's safe to say this
is before I'd found my look.

[laughter]

Here's Noel aged 14.

[laughter]

[Noel] Do you know what
my mum said?

'Cause I had to get that
photo from my mum.

I bet your mum loves
that picture.

No, she said, "Greg's gonna
fucking murder you."

[laughter]

I think you're a lovely boy,

and if I were a mother in the '80s,
I'd be proud to have you as my son.

Rob?

[audience] Aww.

[Noel laughs]

I've brought a pair of silk pants...

with elephants on.

- OK.
- [Alex] I've put them up now.

I bought these on my honeymoon.

Um, at an airport...

because I shit myself.

[laughter]

It was embarrassing shitting
yourself anyway,

but the worst part was 'cause
my wife's so lovely, so normal,

I remember she went,
"What's going on?"

I went, "I've got to go
and buy some pants."

And she went, "Why?"

I went, "'Cause I've shit myself."

And then she went to me,
"Oh, not again."

[laughter and applause]

OK then, Greg. We've seen all five.

OK, well, I'm sorry,

I didn't find Noel's picture
at all embarrassing.

My 15-year-old self would
have been jealous of Noel,

so I'm putting him in last place.

[Alex] OK.

Bob ruined his chance of
getting any higher

by admitting that he wasn't
at all embarrassed

by the picture of dog dirt
that his son did.

If anything, he was
brimming with pride.

Next, I'm gonna put a man who did
an actual shit in his pants.

I'm putting Katherine in second,

purely because I'm genuinely
embarrassed for her poor sister.

Being called into school
for being Hitler.

[laughter]

And, you know, even from
that small clip,

I am so embarrassed
for Josh Widdicombe.

He takes the five points,
simple as that. Bam.

[applause]

Now, what did we make
them do first of all

for the ultimate prize
in history, Alex?

Well, we wanted to test
their ingenuity,

their intelligence,
and their agility.

Also their balance,
and their eyesight,

and their hearing, and
their blood pressure,

so here is the first task.

[Greg] Woo!

[laughter]

Either this is a bath-based task,

or there's been an awful case of fly-
tipping from someone over there.

Bit of a shithole, West London, innit?

Thought it was supposed to be nice.

Good morning!

[Alex] Hello, Katherine.

Thanks for inviting me to your dojo.

[Alex] Welcome to the gazebo.

It's a lovely place to be.

Ready?

[Alex] Oh, yeah. Are you?

No! I'm really nervous.

[Katherine] "Either throw an
exercise ball into the bath...

or put all the coconuts in
the shopping trolley."

"You must throw the exercise
ball while under a roof,

and you may not,
Alex, move the bath."

"You must not touch any of the
coconuts with your hands."

"You may not move the
shopping trolley."

Where are the coconuts?

Where are the coconuts?

"The fastest wins."

And my time starts now.

[applause]

Some lovely champion outfits that
you made yourselves, there.

Yeah.

Very nice, confident.
Evoking the spirit of 1966.

You all look lovely.

Except for Bob.

[laughter]

You'd been doing a bit of
gardening, hadn't you?

[laughter]

OK, do you want to start with
the glamour couple?

Bob and Katherine?

- Yes, please.
- OK.

[Bob] Gotta be under a roof.

- I can't touch them with my hands?
- No, thank you.

Can I touch the medicine ball?

I can't move the
shopping trolley and

I can't touch the
coconuts with my hands.

Oh, so this...

And then I have to throw the
exercise ball from under a roof.

Any roof.

Bye.

Ah, so hold on a minute.

Are these mutually exclusive?

So I can move the
shopping trolley?

So the shopping trolley is available
for use with medicine balls.

Was it one ball or all the balls?

Can you just read it again?

[Alex] "Either throw an exercise
ball into the bath..."

OK.

So I put the medicine ball
in the trolley,

and take it to the bath.

- Throw it in.
- OK.

Well, I don't know, can I?

"You must throw the exercise
ball under a..."

No, I wouldn't be under a roof then, Alex.
Why are you doing that to me?

[she grunts]

[laughter]

No problem.

No!

[air escaping]

Right, let's go.

[laughter]

I only had to do one, yeah?

[Alex] I've stopped the clock, Bob.

Under a roof?

[applause]

[Alex] Thank you, Katherine.

I'm just sad I didn't think
of doing that sooner.

[applause]

When you found out you only
had to get one ball in the bath,

you immediately got rid
of two of the balls,

and took the one ball with you.

So, presumably, you were supremely confident of nailing it first time.

One ball is easier than three,

so I'm always just trying
to get it done for you.

[laughter]

It's like you're arguing your way
out of an appraisal at work.

"You've stolen the stock!"
"It's out the stock room."

[Greg] Give me some times.

Bob took eight minutes,
32 seconds.

Katherine, five minutes,
34 seconds.

- [Greg] Wow.
- [Noel] Wow.

If only you hadn't hung
around in the bandstand

for no apparent reason, Bob.

[Greg] Lovely.

Do you wanna see Rob Beckett?

- So much.
- OK.

This is Rob's attempt.

[audience gasps]

See ya later.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Rob.

[applause]

- What did Rob say as he walked away?
- "See ya later, mate."

- [laughter]
- "See ya later, mate."

"See ya later." He wanted
a ball in a bath.

You walked off really coolly. I think
you went round the corner and went...

No, I think I just don't...
I don't think.

[laughter]

I just don't think.

I didn't even take the other ones
in case that didn't go in.

So I'm either an idiot or the
most arrogant man in the world.

Right, strap yourselves in.
It's break time.

Welcome back to Taskmaster
Champion of Champions.

It's a special, special edition
of the show where five

successful comedians are
humiliating themselves in the hope

of taking home Bob Mortimer's
son's picture of dog poo.

What was going down
before the break, Alex?

Hello, Greg. You look terrific.

Just by the way.

Before the break, we
witnessed a modern miracle.

Rob Beckett, a terrific man,

he casually lobbed a ball into
a bathtub from a distance.

At the moment, he's quicker
than both Bob and Katherine,

but we're gonna look now
at Noel Fielding's attempt.

Here we go.

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

[cheers and applause]

[Noel] Yeah?

[cheers and applause]

[Alex] Well done.

[applause]

You looked so upset when
I got that in straight away.

Like a little child who'd spent a year
setting up a train track in the loft,

and then their dad just
smashed it to pieces.

[laughter]

Well, you two were the
first people to do it,

and it did make a mockery of the...

I thought, "If all five of you just do that,

it doesn't look great from
my point of view."

Thank God some other people stepped up and did a really shit job of it.

- Josh Widdicombe's last.
- Yeah.

That means one of two
things on this show.

[laughter]

It's now time to see the inaugural
champion of Taskmaster.

Here we go. Josh
Widdicombe's attempt.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[Josh] That's impossible.

[laughter]

[audience groans]

[laughter]

This isn't touching it
with my hands.

Argh!

Oh, oh!

Oh, God!

This is it.

Stop the clock.

Well done, Josh.

Cheers, mate.

[applause]

Be honest. Was I quicker than Noel?

[laughter]

I'm sure that...

I think the standard has improved over the years, hasn't it, of the champions?

[laughter]

I'm sure the estate of Bobby
Moore would be so proud

seeing you in that outfit,

carrying eight coconuts at a
time to a shopping trolley.

[he sighs]

I've missed you.

[laughter]

[Greg] Can you tell me
some times now?

Yeah, we know Bob took
about eight minutes.

Katherine took about five minutes.

Josh took about six and a
half seconds per coconut.

There's 100 coconuts,
so that's 11 minutes.

- [Greg] Oh!
- [Katherine] Not bad.

Hey, it's not as tragic
as we thought.

No.

So it's just these two,
it's Rob and Noel.

Rob and Noel.

Both took under two minutes.

[Greg whistles]

Rob Beckett took one minute
and 52 seconds.

[everyone gasps]

Long chat we had.

Noel Fielding took one minute...

[Greg gasps] Ooooh.

...and 29 seconds.

[cheers and applause]

OK, Alex, please can we
have the first

scoreboard update of this
two-part special?

Of course we can. It's close.

We've got two people joint first,
two people joint third.

And Bob's in last place.

Here's what it's looking like at
the moment. There we go.

[applause]

OK, another one. Is it good?

Is it?

Yes, it is.

It is good. Here it is.

You alright, mate?

[Alex] Hello, Rob.

You good?

[Alex] Oh, I think so.

Hiya!

How are you? Good?

[Alex] Much better, thank you.

[he chuckles]
Has it all cleared up?

[Alex] Nearly.

[Alex] Hello, Josh.

Hello, Alex.

[quietly] OK.

"Blow something substantial
off this table."

"Most substantial thing
blown off this table wins."

I'm asthmatic.

So this is health and safety.

"You have five minutes
to select the item

you think you can
blow off the table

and place it on the
centre circle."

"Then one minute to blow
it off the table."

"Your time starts now."

[he chuckles] So...

It's got to be blown off from here.

[Alex] You OK, Bob?

[Bob laughs]

You're like my angel.

"You OK, Bob?"

[applause]

I think there's gonna be
a lot of debate about

what constitutes "substantial".

Let's see someone blowing
something off a table.

OK, we can watch the two oldest
men in the show. Noel and Bob.

Has it got to be from this room?

[Alex] Does it say it has
to be from this room?

No.

I'm allowed to experiment, I assume?

[Alex] Mm-hm.

Just to get to grips with how
much a human can blow.

Whoa!

Just do a quick test.

[he laughs] Almost.

Five minutes.

[he laughs]

What about this guy?

Oh, he's quite light, actually.

[he laughs]

It doesn't move.

Oh, God.

WD-40. Never lets an old man down.

Come on.

Hmm. Worries me.

[laughing] It's not very substantial.

[both laughing]

- OK, I'm ready to go.
- [Alex] OK.

[Alex] You've got a minute
to blow that off the table.

Oh, I'll do it easy.

[Alex] Your minute starts...

[whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[he laughs]

[Alex] 30 seconds left, Bob.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Hey!

Straight into a debate
on "substantial".

I know that when the
SAS are training

out in the wilderness
for several days,

they take water
purification tablets

and a few bags of Cheetos. Done.

[laughter]

What's more worrying is that I tried to blow a plastic giraffe off the table.

I dunno, is that uncharacteristic?

[laughter]

Now, can of lager. Quite substantial.

Put that in a sock and hit someone
with it, it's gonna hurt.

Good point, yeah.

A, B, alcohol ruins lives.

[laughter]

I just thought of "substantial" as weight.

That's all I was thinking.

Well, a can of lager's about 360 grams.

Yeah.

The Cheeto Puffs - they're called Puffs -

a puff is a breath of wind,
so he blew off some wind.

It's quite poetic.

Uh, 13 grams.

Hold your breath.
It's the end of part two.

But don't worry, there's
a third part coming,

right after two minutes
of nonsense.

Welcome back to Taskmaster Champion of Champions, part three.

Where are we, Alex?

Well, we're in the middle
of an intense blow task.

They were trying to blow
something substantial...

- Tough job.
- ...off the table.

Do you want to move on the
champion of series three?

- Yes.
- Rob Beckett?

[Greg] Yes!

OK, this is his attempt.

I'm gonna place my
contact lenses there,

and I'm gonna blow them
off of the table,

and I won't be able to see.

Substantial.

Not much more substantial than
the old eyeballs, is there?

If I blow 'em onto that,

I can just give 'em quick rinse
and bang 'em back in.

Right, here we go. I'll remove...

[audience groans]

Contact lens. There's one.

- You watching, Alex?
- No.

My eyesight going now.

[laughter and applause]

Oh!

[laughter]

Blown off, innit?

[Alex] They're both off the table.

Can't see 'em.

- [laughter]
- Oh, there's one. Argh!

Oh, he's not in a good way.
Looks like a poppadom.

Looks like one of the
poppadoms that curl up.

That's not gonna go on
my eye again, is it?

- Try it, go on.
- Try it?

Well, well done, Rob.

No worries. Thanks, Alex.

- Thank you, Rob.
- Oh! There.

[laughter]

[Alex] The chair--!

[applause]

- That is substance.
- [Rob] Yeah.

I never expected someone to semi-blind
themselves on this show.

Worrying part is I drove home.

[laughter]

You were trying to evoke
King Lear, I imagine...

No idea what you're
talking about, mate.

[laughter]

Famous scene when
Gloucester gets blinded.

PJ and Duncan's my
only blind reference.

[laughter]

"I'm blind!"

Yeah, paintballing, that's all
I've got on blinding references.

Some valiant attempts so far.

Last up, it's Katherine
and Josh together.

- [Greg whistles]
- Mm-hm.

OK, I'll be back.

Oh, God.

I mean, what...? So...

I'm gonna make a sail,

like you would in a sail ship.

[Alex] Got your milk?

Oh, no!

Shit!

This won't blow!

Why not?

Just see if this rolls. Otherwise,
I'm gonna pour that milk out.

[laughing] How does...?
How does this...?

That is making wind, though.

OK. Oh, shit!

I'm gonna go with that.

Oh!

Check that. Wait.

[Alex] OK, Josh. You've
got one minute

to blow something substantial
off the table, starting now.

[laughter]

No, it's not working!

[Alex] OK, I'm starting the
clock now. Good luck. Go.

Yeah, that makes more wind.

Come on!

Phew!

Oh, my God!

[applause]

Lovely blowing action,
no doubt about it,

but were they substantial?

Well, the meaning of "substantial"

is something of important
size or worth.

No mention of weight,
but mention of size.

It's something of importance,
being able to see, isn't it?

I forgot to tell you, my grandfather gave me those cheese puffs.

[laughter and applause]

I'm gonna...
Listen, I'm telling you now,

I'm gonna put Rob in first
place, 'cause I think

that not being able
to see properly...

OK.

...and compromising that
is substantial.

The others, we'll have to do by size.

OK.

Before we do that, there was
one extra little clip of Josh.

Do you want to see it?

- Oh, no!
- Yes, please!

It was just a little clip for you
that I thought you'd like.

- [Greg] OK, yeah.
-[Alex] Just a nice little shot of him.

[laughter and applause]

Oh, no!

- Was that your idea?
- Yes, did you like it?

Well, I didn't ask for...
Why did you have that put together?

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

[laughter]

I thought it was a nice sort of scene...

- No, I know.
- Mm-hm?

But that is nothing to
do with the show.

It's nothing to do with the tasks
that these people have been set,

and you commissioned that.

And I want to know why you
thought that was funny.

[laughter]

- It was... 'cause of the angles...
- Yeah?

When you looked at it,
the... the, um...

[laughter]

- [Greg laughs]
- I don't want to say it.

No, I know, but the thing is, I know that
you're genuinely uncomfortable.

[laughter]

- What did it look like?
- The leaf blower looked like it was...

Can I use the word that we use?

Yeah, use our word.

- It looked like Josh's nub.
- Nub.

[laughter]

OK, so you're putting Rob
in first place, I gather.

Yeah, without question.

Then do you wanna do it
on weight and size?

I wanna do it on size.

Is an umbrella bigger
than an air ball?

Yep.

Let's say that the air ball and umbrella are about the same size.

You could say that,
but it wouldn't be true.

Right, I'm gonna put them
in joint, whatever...

- second place?
- No!

- [laughter]
- Greg, one last thing.

I use Cheetos as contact lenses.

[laughter]

You wily giraffe blower.

[Greg] Obviously, Noel's in last place.

OK, so we've got Bob Mortimer
in second-last place.

That's the end of the task.
Rob Beckett wins it!

Bang!

[cheers and applause]

Onwards, please. Make it
something spectacular, Alex.

Absolutely. This next task is
nothing short of miraculous.

[Greg gasps]

Um...

Ah!

[she gasps]

Thank you.

Is this a kidnapping?

"Perform a miracle."

"Most miraculous wins."

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."

Perform a miracle?

Well, that's easy enough, innit?

So what are the miracles?

Walking on water.

Making someone not blind.

Walking on water would be
a good one, wouldn't it?

[Alex] How would you do that?

What, are you doubting me?

Childbirth?

It's a miracle.

[Alex] You've got one hour.

[laughter]

I can do that.

[Alex] Is that a miracle?

Can you do it?

Argh, I'm panicking.
I'm panicking.

Oh, hello!

Papa's got two out the bag.

What are those lizards that
can walk on water?

Do you know the ones I mean?

They're called Jesus Christ
lizards, I think.

Like, "You what? You got all
that shopping in the boot?"

"That's a miracle!"

If I could get a lizard costume...

Try and run across a
child's paddling pool.

- [Alex] Thank you, Katherine.
- [she sings]

[applause]

Let's just repeat the definition of "miracle" that we're gonna go with.

OK, so something remarkable, amazing.

Something amazing.

Something you can't explain.

Something you can't explain. I like that.

OK, well, just...

[laughter]

So let's say that's one of the things.

OK, and has beneficial side
effects for other people.

- Ah, OK.
- OK?

So, positive for other people,
and can't be explained.

- Right.
- Mm-hm. OK.

We can start with Noel if you want.

Obviously, you heard him say he was just gonna get a lizard costume...

and run across a paddling pool.

Do you wanna see what he actually did?

[Greg] Yes, please.

- [dramatic choral music]
- [laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Two miracles.

It's not often quoted that before Christ turned the water into wine,

he ran across a clearly visible table.

[laughter]

Dressed as a lizard.

[laughter]

[Greg] And who's next?

We're gonna see Rob Beckett next.

Here's his miracle.

Oh, wicked. Thanks, mate.

Twenty minutes?
You're a miracle worker.

Brilliant, I'll see you in a bit. Bye.

Sorted.

[gasps and laughter]

Hundred pizzas!

[laughter]

A hundred pizzas. One phone call.

Modern miracle.

- How's that, eh?
- [Alex] Pretty good.

Better than a loaf of bread,
innit, and a fish?

[laughter and applause]

It's not often you see a man dissing Christ, surrounded by pizzas.

[laughter]

Can't explain it.

Just 'cause you ordered
a hundred pizzas,

the takeaway system is
not miraculous, is it?

[laughter]

I can just pick up a phone,
ring up a geezer down the road,

and he'll make me a hundred
pizzas and bring it over?

That's a miracle.

Let's have a look at Katherine.

- Katherine's one?
- Yeah.

OK, here we go.

I'm gonna get a plumber
here in a very short time.

Miracle if I can pull that off.

- [phone dials]
- [man] Hello.

Please send me a plumber
as soon as possible.

Miracle number two.

I could get this wine into this cup
with the cup upside down.

Ha-ha!

The miracle is performed!

♪ Ta-daaa! ♪

Classic miracle.

This is water.

Wine.

Put them together like this.

[laughter]

Ta-daaa!

I have doubled the wine. All of the villagers can now drink it.

Miracle.

I'm gonna perform the miracle of giving a random person £100.

- [phone dials]
- [man] Hello?

Hi, this is Katherine. You win!

Win what?

Well, the Taskmaster,
Lord Greg Davies himself,

is giving away, by a miracle, £100.

And we're gonna give it to you.

Oh, my God.

Would you say that
this is a miracle?

It is a miracle.

It is a miracle!

Oh! My plumber is here!

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

[man] It's quite alright!

I can't believe a plumber has arrived

after only 28 minutes of a phone call.

That's a miracle!

[applause]

You see how I am for you?

Knocking out miracles.

You give me an hour, I'll be like, wow.

We only asked for a miracle,
and you smashed out four.

Yep.

How much did the plumber cost you?

I did not pay him.

[laughter]

Miracle.

Well, you really did well,

and you reminded people
that I'm a lord.

Mm-hm.

It's all looking really good
for you, Katherine.

Thank you.

Right, still some miracles to see.

Witness them soon, in part four.

Welcome back to Taskmaster
Champion of Champions,

where there was a thing going on.

Oh, you're so mysterious
and strong, Greg.

Yes, our contestants have been
trying to perform miracles,

because it's a special show.

We've seen Rob order pizza,
Katherine call a plumber,

and Noel dressed up as a lizard.

- Next up...
- [laughter]

Next up, it's one of Devon's
top 30 comedians.

[laughter]

Josh Widdicombe!

Right.

[whispers] Oh, this is
my worst nightmare.

[laughter]

Have we got any matches?

[Alex] Hi, Josh.

Do you wanna come closer?

I'll just confirm that they
are real matches.

They are, I've just got them
from the kitchen.

Uh-huh.

Yes, I can confirm that these
are genuine matches.

OK, so I'll just lean that on there.

[eerie music plays]

[laughter]

[Alex] I don't know how
you're doing it.

- Well, it's a miracle.
- Is it?

Not just one, mate.

Big one coming.

[Josh] Whoa!

You asked for a miracle.

Within ten minutes, all I do is
go and get a box of matches.

No camera trickery.
This is street magic.

[Alex] Street miracle?

Street miracles.
This is street miracles.

[Josh] Whoa, that was a big one!

Show them they're real, mate.

See ya later.

Take my phone.

[applause]

That was great. I don't
know how you did it.

Well, it's a miracle.

Yeah, yeah. Let's see Bob's.

OK, it's the last miracle.
Here we go. Bob Mortimer.

Presenting a tiny miracle that I hope

will rid this world of the
underground people.

At last. Here goes.
Ping-pong ball.

[laughter]

[laughter]

At last, we are free to skateboard
without causing a rumpus!

[laughter and applause]

I mean, really weird.

Really frightening, and...

at the moment, a miracle, 'cause
I don't understand any of it.

[laughter]

I found that mysterious
and intriguing.

- I enjoyed it.
- [Noel] I did.

Good, so...

- So you've seen all the miracles.
- I'll make some judgments.

- OK then.
- Here we go. Ready?

In last place, it's not miraculous
to order a takeaway.

[Greg] Rob.

Yeah, but a hundred.

Yeah, yeah...

- Fair enough.
- [Greg] No.

In joint second...

it's like a paper width separating

a man who dresses as a lizard and runs across a paddling pool,

and a man who sticks a
ping-pong ball to his head.

So in joint second place,
it's Noel and Bob.

In joint first place, because Katherine
gave us numerous miracles,

and Josh genuinely did something
that I can't explain,

they will get five points each.

[Alex] OK, there we go. The winners
are Katherine and Josh.

[applause]

And what's that done
to the scores, Alex?

Well, we've got an
outright leader now.

With 16 points, Katherine
is now in the lead.

- Yes!
- Whoa!

[cheers and applause]

Just one thing left, then.

Will you all please head
to the stage for the final

task of the Champion of
Champions' first show!

[cheers and applause]

- Alex.
- Mm-hm?

I think we should get Bob
to read the task out.

OK, Bob, there's one for you.

- Thank you.
- Pleasure.

Lot of information here, Bob.

"Write down a word beginning with T

every time Alex blows his whistle."

"The person with the second longest
word takes a step down."

"Whoever writes down the
longest word misses a turn."

"If you write down one of
Alex's special words,

you advance an extra step."

"First to reach the floor wins."

[Alex] So just to clarify, you're
all gonna write a word

beginning with T every
time I blow my whistle.

The second longest word,
you take a step forward.

But if you write the longest word,
you miss a go next time.

OK, OK.

This is a fucking
dyslexic's nightmare.

[laughter]

Ready? [blows whistle]
Thank you.

[Josh] Oh, God. My pen's rubbish.

These pens, man.

Why do you get a really big nib and a really small board rubber?

I'm not sure that the contestants are fully behind you with this task.

No. Not yet.

Rob, what have you written?

Tails! Five.

- OK, currently in first...
- Yes!

- ...and last place.
- Oh.

- Noel?
- [laughter]

I think I've spelt this wrong.
Tragically? Ten.

That's fine. So at the moment,
you're in second place, Rob.

Am I?

Katherine, what have you written?

Tagliatelle.

At the moment, Noel's got
the second longest word.

Oh, so where am I?

You're now out of the game.

- Yes!
- [laughter]

Josh, what have you written?

Thermos.

That's seven and it's a
sensible word. Thank you.

- Trampolines, 11.
- Trampolines for 11.

Which means the second longest word in that round is Noel Fielding.

- [Katherine] Well done, Noel.
- You can take a step forward.

[Alex] One step, one step.

[Josh] This doesn't...
This doesn't rub out!

[laughter]

It says "water-resistant
permanent marker".

What I love about this is,
you're all laughing,

but someone's gonna lose
their fucking job.

So...

Noel wrote down the second
longest word. He's advanced.

Bob and Katherine, you wrote
down the longest words,

so you're out of the next round.

Oooh.

[Josh] Oh, so it's just us three?

Only three of you in it.

Write down your word. [blows whistle]

Second longest word, again.

I get the game now.

[Alex] Yeah, you understand it.

Rob, what have you written?

Telegraph. Nine.

Strong opener.

- Very strong, Greg.
- Thanks.

Noel?

Toblerone. Nine.

[audience] Oooh.

You are not going to believe...

[laughter]

Toblerone!

[laughter and applause]

- [Greg] Wow.
- What does that mean?

That means no one's written
the second longest word.

But the Toblerone writers do advance, because I also have...

- Toblerone!
- [everyone cheers]

- How many do we advance?
- One step.

Unfortunately for you three,
you all wrote the longest word,

so you're all out of the next round.

- It's just Katherine and Bob.
- I'm having an absolute stinker here.

[whistle blows]

OK.

So who's written the second longest
word, out of two people?

I don't know, mate.

Katherine, what have you written?

I've written "to" for two.

- To.
- Bob has also written to.

[laughter]

So we both get to go?

You're both out.
You three are up again?

[laughter]

[whistle blows]

Another word please, except
for Katherine and Bob.

OK, Rob, what have you written?

Toilet.

Toilet for six. Lovely. Noel?

Triangle.

So toilet is the second longest
word, until Josh writes...

Topic.

Wooo!

[laughter]

- So, Rob...
- You've won, Rob!

Oh, so I go down?

Noel, you're out of the next one.

- OK, shall I sit down to indicate that?
- If you would, thank you.

We like that rule. [blows whistle]

Write down a word. Thank you.

[laughter]

OK.

OK, Rob, what have you written?

- Time!
- For four.

Y-yes?

[laughter]

Katherine?

- Tobacco for seven.
- For seven.

Triangles for nine.

Tussle for six.

- Which means second longest word...
- Wooo!

...is Katherine, and we're carrying on.

[Greg] Lovely.

So Josh was the longest word.

Noel is still one step away
from victory. [blows whistle]

Keep writing those words.

And keep looking at
Noel's first, Rob. Ready?

[Noel] He's cheating!

You're winning. Rob,
what have you written?

Tonne, five.

Forget that seven I've just crossed out.

- [laughter]
- OK, tonne for five. Noel?

Toggle.

- That's alright.
- How many was that?

- Toggle for six. That's convenient.
- It's six, you had seven!

I would have been in first
place, but you cheated.

It depends on what
Katherine's written.

Katherine's written tougher for seven.

Trumpet for seven.

Which means Noel with a six
is the second longest word.

He can advance. We have a winner!

[cheers and applause]

Come on down and let's see how that's affected the final scores!

[cheers and applause]

How did you feel that went, Alex?

It was very exciting and
really easy to understand.

- Wasn't it?
- [laughter]

So Noel gets five points
for winning the task.

These three get four
for coming second,

and Bob just one for coming last.

Aww.

- [audience] Aww.
- That's a bit unfair, isn't it?

It's all unfair.

So I've totted up all the scores now.

Yes.

Do you want to know the final scores of the first part of the specials?

Heavens above, yes.

- [laughter]
- OK.

Well, here we go.

With 20 points, tonight's winner is...

[Greg gasps]

Katherine Ryan!

- [cheers and applause]

Katherine is the winner of the first show.

Katherine, please head up to the stage to

collect all your mortifying bits and pieces.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Well, that is a very good
start for Katherine.

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you
want to be a champion,

mentally scar your siblings by dressing them up as murderous dictators.

But let's never forget, the
winner of the first episode

of the Taskmaster
Champion of Champions

is Katherine Ryan!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, you wonderful peasants.

We'll see you next time.

[subtitles by tribbletown]