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(OH, IT MUST BE LOVE PLAYING)

-You taking off?
-Yeah.

Mysterious.

Happy Valentine's Day!

-Hey, my man!
-What's up, Tom?

-Thanks, Tom!
-Happy Valentine's Day!

-(SONG STOPS)
-(CRASH HEARD)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(HEART PALPITATING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(FAST-FORWARDING)

What do you mean
you're leaving me?
You're not even here yet!

Technically, you can't leave
me until you're actually here
first to leave.

Well, hell, yes, I'm gonna
argue semantics, Sara.

It's the least I can do.
I come home on
Valentine's Day...

With two bags ready
to go by the front door...

And a "Dear John" telling
me how you need your space?

Come on, what is that?

That is totally unoriginal.

And completely devoid
of any real information.

That would actually give me
some insight to why you're
actually doing this!

Well, hell, yes,
I want to know!
I'm asking you, right?

I'm not yelling.
I'm just speaking pointedly
to make my point.

Fuck the neighbors!
It's two in the morning
on a Saturday night,

fuck 'em if they
don't have a social life.

No, Sara, listen,
don't leave me.

You can't leave me.
I mean, I've done everything
I know how to do.

I've given you every
ounce of my heart
and soul.

I've given more of myself

to you than I've ever
given anybody else
in my entire life...

And now after three years,
you're just gonna walk out.

You're just gonna throw me
away like that and not even
tell me why?

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be here.

I invited half the bar over
to help us celebrate
Valentine's Day, remember?

Okay, all right, well,
then I'll see you when
you get here.

Bye.

Fuck.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Christ, Tommy,
you left about
five minutes too soon.

Seriously.
Five fucking minutes.

Unbelievable!
Where are the girls?

Didn't you invite any chicks
to this thing?

No, Sal, that's not what this
is supposed to be about.

-Christ, Tommy.
Thank God I did, huh?
-What?

Yeah, broads, girls.
I got a whole gang of girls
coming over in 15 minutes,

-so be prepared.
-No, you don't understand...

No, you don't understand.

After what happened to me
tonight I won't sit around
here with a bunch of guys.

Fucking sword-fighting
on Valentine's Day.

I need chicks
and I need them now!

Why? What happened?

-You remember
Charlotte, right?
-Which one's Charlotte?

The dancer.
The one with the thing.

The thing, you know,
the fucked up
Peter Falk eye.

-Yeah, sure, she was nice.
-I threw her out.

-Why?
-I don't know. It got
embarrassing taking her out

all the time,
showing her around

always that fucking eye
looming out at you.

I'm telling you, that thing
had a mind of its own.

Anyways, it made
me feel self-conscious.

Something made
you feel self-conscious?

You believe that? Me.
Look at that, chocolates,
you shouldn't have.

Anyways, you cannot
be with someone you're
ashamed to be seen with.

It's not practical.

You spend so much
of your time going to places
that you never go...

Trying not to run into
people that you do know,

it doesn't make any sense.

Besides, she wasn't
exactly sending rockets
to the moon, either.

Why? What'd she say?

She informed me of the fact
that the world does not
evolve around me.

-She said "evolve"?
-She said "evolve."

You didn't try to redeem
yourself by telling her
your theory of revolution?

No, I just cut her off.
I cut her off.

She was starting
to get too clingy.

Who you trying to convince,
Sal?

Christ, Tommy, you know how
they get, with the "Honey,
this," and the "Honey, that."

I thought I was turning
into a fucking bee.

Anyways, I cut her off this
morning on the phone.

-On the phone?
-On the phone!

How'd she take it?
What'd she say?

I don't know.
I asked her if she'd
met Tone, she said no,

you know the rest!
Click, bing!

That's horrible, Sal.

I thought you
said this girl was nice.

Yeah, my dog Butch is nice,
but you don't see me talking
dirty to her.

Even if you did, I wouldn't
tell anybody about it.

Plus, Butch ain't the
spitting image
of fucking Columbo.

-True. Give me a beer.
-Anyway, so that was today.

Tonight, knowing
I'm gonna be
at the bar...

she comes in with this big,
muscle-bound, beach guy,

trying to make me jealous.
Me! Huh!

Gino points them out to me,
and I'm a bit sauced up at
this point...

And I walk over and I say,

"You're not really with this
long-haired, hippie-fied
looking fag, are you?"

He stands up and says,
"What'd you say?"

I pull back my jacket just
enough so he can see my piece
and I said,

"I just called you a
cockeyed-loving,
biscuit-lipped, hippie-fied

-looking fag.
Now what are you gonna do?"
-Holy shit. What did he do?

What can he do? His tanned ass
turned white as a ghost and
made like Ralph Cramden.

(VOCALIZING)

So, I go back to drinking

and Gino comes over
a little while later and says,

"Now, will you look at that."

And there is Fabio making out
with Columbo all over my bar!

Whatever. So, I finish
up my whiskey,
and I walk over.

I slap Tarzan on the face
and I say,

"Antonio Banderas, you know
you're kissing my old girl."

And he says, "Yeah?" I say,

-"Yeah. How's my cock taste?"
-Holy shit!

So I strolled up out of there,
grabbed myself a bottle of
Maker's and here I am.

Holy shit.

And she was kissing
that Fabio guy right there
in front of you?

-Yeah.
-And the two of you just broke
up this fucking morning?

-I broke up with her!
-Now, why do they do that?

They're women,
they're supposed
to be sensitive.

-Women fucking suck!
- You think so?

No, some suck,
but few suck well.

I cannot tell you the
last time I had a half-way
decent blow-job.

I must admit it is a lost art.

I stop them half the time.
I'm like "Yo,

it ain't a fucking
artichoke, all right?"

And the funny thing is,
these women think they're
so fucking fantastic at it!

I cannot tell you how many
times in my life I've heard,

"Oh, baby, you cannot handle
me, I will rock your world!"

Then it comes time to close
the deal and it's like
Flipper on Prozac.

Have you ever had a dead fish
fuck? I would rather have
a root canal!

These women think that just
being present is all it takes
for bedroom artistry.

And maybe that works for a guy
that gets laid every other
leap year...

But for a guy like me
a dead fish fuck

could have
severe ramifications.

I still can't believe
she pulled a high school
move on you

like that and brought
a date into your bar!

That violates two of the
classic "nevers" in the Geneva
Convention of breaking up.

The first of which is that you
never, under any circumstances

ever are you supposed
to hang out in your
ex's stomping grounds

-after you break up!
-Never!

It's a big city, right?

Why does she have to suddenly
start hanging out in our bar?

She never used
to hang out there before!

-You're goddamn right!
-And, what,
there's not like a

million other
bars in the city?

We don't want her there.
She's
not welcome!

Hell, no!

I mean, you don't see us
hanging out at the fucking
Lenscrafters, do you?

-No.
-And that is only second to
the most heinous of violations

with the fact that the two
of you just broke up this
fucking morning!

I broke up with her!

I mean, you just dumped that
Sandy Duncan-ass-cyclops this
morning...

...and she comes into our
Lenscrafters on a date?

I mean, isn't there
some kind of statute
of limitations,

or time variable or something
that makes that kind
of behavior unconstitutional?

It is fucking bullshit, Tommy!

Fucking bullshit, Sal!

Goddamn, will you keep it
down? You're gonna
wake up Karen.

She'll be down here dragging
me back upstairs with her
Frankenstein gear on.

Kenny! Speaking
of Frankenstein,
how is your wife?

Sal just broke up with
Charlotte.

-Which one was Charlotte?
You know, the little black
fellow that used to perform

-with Dean Martin
and Frank Sinatra?
-She was nice.

What's the matter,
you two not see
eye to eye?

Does Karen really wear that
green mud shit on
her face at night?

-Yes, she does.
-How is it you don't take one

look at her and get the shit
scared out of you?

Are you kidding? That's how
she keeps her skin looking
so young and tight.

Well, if that's true, I wish
she'd put some on her ass.

Don't get me wrong,
I love my wife,

but there should be some
sort of vow in the wedding
ceremony

-which covers ass size
after "I do."
-Like an insurance policy.

Brilliant, ass insurance!

-Exactly!
-Come on, there's just more
of her for you to love.

That's easy for you to say.
Sara works out
five days a week.

-What?
-What'd I say?

-What happened?
-Well, apparently,

she'll be working
on her arms this evening...

...when she carries those
two suitcases out
that door any minute.

-What? Say "I swear to God."
-It's true.

Three years and
I come home to
a "Dear John"...

And those two suitcases
sitting by the front door.

She's on her way over here any
minute, and I have no idea
what I'm gonna do.

-"Dear John."
-Dumped on Valentine's Day.
Unbelievable.

I'm sick.

I gave Sara three years
of my life.
Three good years.

I mean, sure, we had our
problems, everybody does.

But it was mostly good times,
and that's how you're supposed
to tell.

I mean, nobody's perfect,

but as long as the good times
outweigh the bad...

That's what's
supposed
to count, right?

Unless she didn't
see it that way.

Unless I really didn't
make her happy.

That's bullshit, Tommy!
You're a man.

Since when is it
a man's job to make
a woman happy?

-You want this one?
-I don't think so.

My point is,
you were happy,
right?

For three years,
you were happy.

You know what I'd give
for that? This, right here,
my right fucking arm.

Look at me!
I'm a lonely, drunken,
misogynistic asshole...

Who goes from one empty
relationship to another...

...whose only solace is found
completely obliterated at the
bottom of a bottle of whiskey.

I can't remember
a single time in my life...

when I was happy
for three consecutive days,
let alone three years.

Are you kidding me?
And you know
whose fault that is?

Mine, 'cause I'm responsible
for my own happiness.

If Sara wasn't happy, that is
her own fucking problem.

She didn't do the things that
she needed to do to make
sure she was happy!

You're not Dionne Warwick!
You're not a mind reader!

You're not a fucking
psychic
best friend!

You are Tom Reilly.

You're one
of the best people
I know.

And if she can't see that,
then she needs to go to
Lenscrafters.

Then why does it hurt so bad?

Why do I feel like
I want to
die inside?

'Cause you're beautiful, Tom.

He's right! You're beautiful.
Not a fag or nothing,

but, you know, you're like
a real person.

You are a man.

You don't think if I knew

Karen was gonna leave me
I wouldn't be down here
crying like a little baby...

...asking you two geniuses how
I could get her back?
Christ, Sal, too?

You had me until
you brought Sal into it.

Very funny. What's that mean?

What, you don't think I got
feelings?
You don't think I'm sensitive?

Let me tell you something.
I got more feelings in my left
nut than you two schoolgirls

put together.

-Come on now!
-Here we go again.

I know what they say about me.
I know what they say about
guys like me.

They say that we're pigs,
right, that we're dogs!

In your defense,
they don't exclude.

I've been married
for five years and
my wife still says it.

That's right! They don't
exclude. They say "all."

"All men are pigs!
All men are dogs.
All men are scum."

And they talk, and talk, and
talk their little asses off

about what monsters we are...

...but they don't understand
that they're the very ones...

...that created the
Frankensteins they abhor.

-Frankenstein was a whore?
-Leave my wife out of this.

Laugh all you want,
but I'm serious.

Every womanizer, every player,
every guy juggling three
broads at the same time...

...is only doing
so out of fear.

Fear of being crushed
by a woman.

'Cause back in the day,
they were not a player.

They liked one girl, just one.

And they gave it up to her,
didn't they?

And they gave it up to her!
That's right!

They gave it up to her,
'cause they were little
romantics back then.

And they gave it up
to the girl they loved
and what happened?

They got rocked,
or they got crushed,

or they got
destroyed,
they got cheated on,

or laughed at, or something.

And when they finished picking
was once their heart...

you know what they said?
They all, every single one
of them, made a vow.

-Never to give it up again.
-That's right, never to give
it up again...

But now we're talking about
the real bastards here.

The guys that break hearts
occupationally, 'cause,
believe it or not...

originally, those cats were
the most beautiful and
the most romantic of all.

And you know what happened?
They're the ones that
got hurt worst of all.

-'Cause you never get over it.
-No, God, no!

You never get over it!
Yes,

you recover,
but you never get over it.

And what happened?
When they all recovered,

you know what
they all said?
They all said,

"Okay, I see. All right.

If that's how it's gonna be,
I can play that way, too."

So, you see that we are
all responsible for the cycle
of the vicious circle.

-So, you're saying you're
afraid?
-Absolutely.

I ain't never getting
my heart broken again
like I did when I was 16.

But why?
Why do people hurt
each other like that?

Why don't they just take
care of each other's feelings?
It's so easy.

Because people
are selfish and
they don't care.

I mean, look,
we've all done it, right?

We've all been in that
situation where we're
with another woman...

And we know what we're
about to do is wrong.

We know that if we do this
thing, it's gonna hurt

somebody
we care for so badly.

And it'll ruin everything,
I mean, everything.

All the years of work that we
put into it, in some cases
children, entire families

and yet we look,
and we've got this young,

hot piece of ass
in front of us.

And at that moment,
we just throw everything
away and we do it anyway.

We fucking do it anyway.
We know it's gonna
kill our wife

or our girlfriend
or whatever,
but we do it anyway.

And that, my friends,
is why we're all
so fucked up.

Because we do it anyway.

We're always thinking
that the grass is always
greener somewhere else.

And that the bigger,
better deal is always
right around the corner

ready to present itself.

And we forget what good
friends we have right here...

And that the grass
is pretty fucking nice
right here.

But we're not kind,
for the most part, are we?

We're not strong,
and we're
certainly not wise.

And so we throw away the
people who are the most
valuable to us.

We waste them,
like we have them to waste.

And you know, Sal, if you
keep doing it, you're gonna
wake up one day

and you're gonna be old.

And you're gonna be alone,
or worse than alone
stuck with some vacuous

substitute fucking
one-eyed stripper in your
bed who you can't talk to.

So you want to put a fucking
bullet in your head

'cause you missed
the couple truly great ones

that you once had
and that you threw away.

That's horrible.
Frightening.

It's almost enough to make
you want to turn gay.

My God, I'm so excited.
I'm harder than
Chinese math!

-Someone get me Red Bull!
-Wayne!

-Hey, dog, come on!
-You got my message!

You didn't tell me
she was coming.

I didn't know!
Where you been, man?

I've been calling
you all week.

In Hawaii, planning a wedding.

You know, they're legalizing
gay marriages down there now.

They're so smart. It's going
to boom their economy.

Just what the world needs,
Samoan fags.

Wow, a wedding.
Who's getting married?
Anyone we know?

-Yeah, silly, me.
-Get the fuck outta here!

Yeah, I'm serious.
His name is and he's from
the Virgin Islands.

But let me tell you,
sweetheart,
after this weekend,

that boy is definitely
not a virgin!

Anyway, he's on his
way over
here right now

because I wanted
you all to meet him.

Are you out
of your fucking
mind?

-You are so fucked up.
-Wow, so you're
getting married.

That's terrific.
I don't know what to say.

Say you'll come
to Hawaii and
be my best man.

-Are you serious?
-Yes, I'm serious.
Who else would I choose?

Bring Sara down with you
and the four of us will
have a blast!

What?
What did I say?

You said plenty, asshole.
Our boy got dumped tonight.

What? Why?

She said she needed her space.

And that ho didn't think
she had enough
between her legs?

-Wayne!
-I'm sorry,
but nobody breaks

my Tommy's heart
and gets away with it!

I never liked her anyway.
She's an actress.

"Hi, Sara, how are you?"
"Oh, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me,

"me, me, me, me!"

I swear to God,
I'd ask her
how she was doing...

And she'd tell me about how
she once got a call back
for "Matlock."

That's what you get with
a woman who thinks
her self-worth

is determined by her resume.

You can't be dealing
with no woman like that.

You need someone that thinks
about you every now and then.

Somebody who'll take
care of you for a change.

-Someone who's nurturing.
-Yeah, man, nurturing bitches.

I love me some nurturing
bitches. They are the best.

Well, don't get me wrong,
they gotta be
good-looking, too.

I can't be dealing with no
ugly-ass

nurturing bitches, you know
what I'm saying?

I'm telling you, Tommy,
this is God's way
of trying to tell you

you're supposed
to be dating men.

Oh, sure, that's what I need.
A nice hairy ass.

That'll solve everything.

Don't start with that whole
faggot shit tonight, Wayne.

I don't want to hear it.
It was a joke.

-I was kidding.
-Bullshit, you do
it all the time.

It's all part of the
subliminal, mind meld,
fucking faggot shit

you fags pull
all the time.

Only I can see the shit coming
all the way from Cleveland.
-Sal!

Don't think
I'm not onto you, Wayne.

You throw a little
something here, you say
a little something there.

You drop a line about this
and make an innuendo
about that.

You fuckos plant
the seed and,
next thing you know,

-everyone's sucking dick!
-Come on, Sal.

-Oh, come on, my ass!
-I'd love to, but I'm engaged.

You see what I mean?
You fags are like
Jehovah Witnesses

or vampires or something.

As soon as one
of you thinks
you're gay,

you want everyone
else in the world
to be gay, too.

"Think" they're gay?

No. First of all,
I don't think I'm gay,

Sal, I am gay.

Secondly, I don't want
you to convert.

I wouldn't wish that
on any man.

I was simply trying to get
Tom's mind off the
subject of women.

You guys are so pathetic

I bet before I got here,
that's all you
were talking about.

Of course it was!

Look at yourselves!
You guys are worse
than a bunch of girls!

Every other straight man
I know spends their time
talking about sports, or cars

or their careers, where
they want to travel to,

the last fight they got into.

Something!
Even if it's mundane
and prehistoric,

it's something
other than women.

Now, have you ever
overheard a conversation
between a group of women?

What is it always about? Men.

That's it. That's all they
ever talk about.

And you guys
are worse than them!

I'm actually starting to
wonder if there's
a set of balls

between the three of you.

All right, all right, I can
only handle being chastised
by a fag for so long.

At least as long as my
father's still on this earth.

Oh, that's really clever.

Why don't you just go gay
bashing with some of your
hoodlum friends

and save us
the subtlety
of your innuendo.

If I do, I'm gonna start with
you, you big fucking queen.

Who in the hell are you
anyways, you confused, fucked

up, backwards cocksucker?

You think you know who
you are 'cause you
can express yourself?

'Cause you're finally out of
the closet and you can be
the real you, is that it?

-Come on, Sal!
-No, fuck that, Tommy.

Look, I know I'm not
supposed to say
anything here

'cause as a white
heterosexual male

by definition I am wrong
about everything
from Jump Street,

I know that.
I know I can't win.

But you see this kid here?

This kid used
to be one of my
best friends.

And all of a sudden,
he turns swish on me?

Now he tells me he's gonna
marry a fucking man

and I gotta sit here
and pretend like I dig that?
I don't think so.

I don't even know how to
fucking deal with that, okay?

And maybe I've had
a little too much
to drink tonight

and maybe I'll apologize
to Wayne-o in the morning...

But for right now,
I'm gonna rip him
a new fucking asshole.

That sounds fun.

Verbally, you pervert!
Let me explain something
to you, all right?

You are not gay!

Okay?
You understand?

You were born a man, and
unless you're a hermaphrodite,

Mother Nature
does not fuck up.

Being gay is not a physical
thing, it's a mental thing,
a psychological situation.

You were probably
molested as a little kid.

You got all fucked up and
insecure about your sexuality
when you hit puberty

and you thought to
yourself, "My gosh,
I must be gay."

Well, you're not!

You were born a little boy!
You didn't speak
with that lisp,

that fucking (SPITTING).

thing, either.
You're putting that
on like an accent.

That is an affectation.

When you were a little kid,
you didn't act all fruity
like you do now!

And don't forget, Wayne-o,
motherfucker,

I've known you
since elementary school.

It is a proven fact
that some people
are born gay.

It's not psychological,
it's physical.

A certain portion
of the brain...

-Which portion?
-I don't know, the thalamus
or something.

-The thalamus or something?
-The hypothalamus.

-The hypothalamus?
-I don't know!

Some certain stem thing
in the brain grows

different in the
brain of gay men.
It's a proven fact!

-Says who? Which doctors?
-Says doctors.

-Medical doctors.
-You're still being vague.

-No, I'm not. Medical doctors
have proven...
-Do you know their names?

-What?
-You heard me,
motherfucker.

Don't say "What?"
and stall for time!

Do you know their names
or did you hear
it's a proven fact?

I heard about it,
but everybody knows...

You heard about it,
but everybody knows.

I see. Very interesting.

You heard about it,
but everybody knows
it's a proven fact.

That sounds
like a rumor
to me.

See, I happen to know
the name
of the doctor

that said he
proved that theory.

I also know the name
of the doctors that
corroborated his story,

and can I tell you something?

Can I hip you to a bit
of potentially earth
-shattering information?

They're all gay!

All of them. Dr. Lipshits,

Dipshits, and motherfucking
Mipshits are all faggot

motherfuckers who unethically
used their status
as doctors

to further their own anally
suggestive ends.

He's actually right.
They did a whole expose
on those three doctors.

I read the article about
it in the Times.

Can you believe that shit?

Motherfuckers telling people
they got some weird stem
shit

growing in their brain
so they start sucking dick!

I don't care if a motherfucker
told me I had a tree
growing in my head

ain't no way this
motherfucker's ever gonna
start sucking dick.

Can you imagine
that conversation?

"Excuse me, Mr. Johnson?

"We have some bad news
and some good news.

"The bad news is, we found
some weird growth in the
core of your cerebral cortex.

"The good news is,
you can start sucking
dick immediately!"

-All right, that's enough.
-Fuck that, Tommy!

That's enough! Guys, come on.

We're supposed
to be happy
for Wayne tonight.

He's getting married!
And it's a big deal.

I don't care if
he's marrying a goat.

We're his friends,
we're supposed
to be supportive.

You had me until you brought
the goat into it.

-It's a metaphor, Ken!
-Yeah, but with Wayne you
never know.

Look, we get enough shit
from the rest of the world
out there!

The last thing we need to be
doing is getting dumped on

by the very same people
who are supposed
to be getting our backs.

-Do you want this one?
-Wayne, getting

dumped on, getting
someone's back?

I don't think so.

He's happy, all right? Look,
Wayne is...
Smile for me. He's happy!

And that's a lot more than
I can say for the rest
of the world out there!

And it's definitely more than
I can say for you and I, Sal.

Well, of course,
he's happy,
Tom, he's gay!

-I'm done.
-He doesn't have to deal
with chick drama all the time.

Do you know how happy
I would be if I didn't
have to deal

with chick drama all the time?

Do you know how happy
I'd be if I had someone
in my life

I could shoot hoops with...

watch a game with,
go drinking with,
play poker with

and would blow me six times
a day. Are you kidding me?

I wish I could be gay.
I would be the biggest
and the best fag of them all!

I'd be king of the fags!

I just can't seem
to get in that
good of shape.

I got no problem with the
whole being gay aspect of it,
Wayne.

All right?
I really don't.

You want to fuck a man
in the ass, that is your
own business.

I got no problem with that.
I like ass-fucking
as much as the next guy.

I just don't think you need
to parade it down
the middle of the street...

and tell everybody you're
into that sort of thing.

If it's your thing,
you want to be left alone
to do your thing

then shut the fuck up and
keep it your thing.

I'm not talking about
hiding it in the back
of the closet either,

just don't shove
it in
my face.

Are you done?

Probably not,
but I'm tired of talking,
so go ahead.

You know what, Sal?
You're right.

My gregariousness
does make me a target.

I know that.

But whether you think
you're right or wrong
about all your

psychoanalytical
bullshit about me.

I did not come here
tonight to be beat up
or put under a microscope.

I came here tonight
to share my joy with you.

Not to be berated by the
people who are supposed
to be my friends.

I knew you were gonna
be here
tonight, Sal.

And I knew you
were gonna bust
my balls about this

but I really thought that,
underneath it all,
you'd be happy for me.

I never thought
you'd be so vicious.

If I'd known that,
I never would have come.

And I certainly wouldn't
have invited the man
I'm going to marry

over to a place where
he would be ridiculed.

I might be into some kinky
shit

but I am not a masochist
and I'm certainly not stupid.

Good night, everyone.

-Come on. Go.
-Wayne!

What?

All right, all right.
Don't go.

Don't go?

Well, that's a joke.
Give me one good reason
why not.

All right, all right.

I don't know how to say this,
okay, so I'm just gonna
say it.

Ah...

My girl dumped me today.

I'm sorry I lied
to you, Tommy.

(SIGHS)

I came here acting like a
stud, like I gave her the
Heisman...

But truth of the matter is
she fucking dumped me.

I saw her out tonight with
some GQ fucking jawbone guy

and he was like way better
looking than me and it hurt
a little bit.

You know, maybe more than just
a little bit.
And, uh...

I pulled some Bogart move on
the motherfucker
and I made him look like

a bitch in front of everyone
at the bar...

But the truth of the matter
is, she still went home with
him.

So...

Now I'm drunk, and I'm pissed,
and...

I come in here
and I take it out on you guys,

but the truth of the
matter is I'm just jealous.

Not that I want to be a fag
or nothing,
but you're always up,

always doing good.
And you don't fucking need me
being an asshole to you.

So, don't go.

And, uh...

I want to meet your, uh...

Friend.

Oh, Sal.

Jesus Christ.
Just get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, Sal's gay!

Argh...
God! You see what happens
when I try to be nice?

Pervert grabs your ass, your
friends think you're a fag.

So much for fucking Karma.

Don't say that. I was only
kidding.
I was watching you through the

window before I came in.
You were actually

-very sweet.
-Don't even start with me.

I'm serious, Sal. I've never
seen that side of you before.
You were amazing.

You were kind and vulnerable,
and not only did you
physically embrace Wayne...

But you were open
emotionally to the connection
as well.

I think that's a tremendous
step for you.

I'm gonna put a tremendous
step aside your fucking head

if you don't shut up with
that whole tree-hugger
bullshit.

He's a tree-hugger, Sal,
that's his thing.

I know it's his thing but it's
fucking lame.

With the tye-dyes and the
vibes and the Birkenstocks.

Always trying to get me to
change and grow and take
it to the next level.

I mean, does that shit
ever work?

-What do you mean?
-With chicks.
Do you ever get any chicks

with a lame-ass angle
like that?
'Cause I'm telling you, I got

a dozen chicks coming through
that door in like two
seconds.

And if you fucking
cock-block and pull out a
Ouija board

I'm telling you right now
I'm gonna fucking shoot you,
Georgie.

-It's not an angle.
-I know it's not an angle,
it's a non-angle!

As it should be. I mean, it's
not about getting over, it's
about being real.

-It's about communication.
-How come I never see you
having any real communication

with any real chicks, like,
ever?

Maybe that's 'cause I don't
look at women the way you do,
Sal.

I think women are beautiful.

I think they're amazing.
I think they're the most
magical of all of God's

creations on this earth.
I am enamored with them,
and frankly, I don't know

how to pretend like I'm not.

What the fuck are you talking
about?

I'm talking about
the 11th man theory.

Everybody knows the
11th man theory.

No, stupid, nobody knows the
11th man theory but you.

I know a little something
about the eleven men theory.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shut up.
What are you talking
about?

Say there's a woman in a room
with ten men.

And all ten men are telling
her how beautiful she is,
how amazing she is...

And they're lighting her
cigarette, buying her drinks

and just treating her
like gold.

Then all of a sudden, in walks
the 11th man.

He takes one look at her
and says, "How you doing?"

Turns his back on her
and starts talking
to his boys.

That's the guy she wants to be
with, the 11th man.

Not any of the ten men who
were treating her well
all night

but the one guy who
couldn't care less.

And why?
Because for some
reason women don't want nice.

They don't want real.
They don't want
to be treated well.

I mean, not at first
and sometimes not ever.

And I think that's crazy.
And I refuse to play
that game.

You, you are a master
at it, Sal.

But it's just not me. It's not
who I am.
I don't want to have to play

that game, get a girl by
pretending that I don't like
her.

I want to be with a woman
who's real.

Who digs it when I'm nice
to her.

Who doesn't see that as
weakness.
Or take me for granted when I

tell her that I think she's
more amazing than anything
else in the entire world.

But...

Unfortunately, most women
aren't like that.

They say they are, and deep
down inside they want to be...

But they're not.

You know what, he's right, I
never could understand that.
When I was a kid, every girl

I liked had a boyfriend.
And I'd have to hear about it
all the time, about how he'd

fuck their best friends
cheat on them, spend their
money, wreck their car.

And then, of course, they'd
come crying on my shoulder
'cause I was a good "friend."

I'd ask them, "Why don't you
dump the guy treating you like
shit and be with me?"

I was right there. I'd lay the
world at their feet if they'd
let me.

-But they'd always say
the same thing.
-"I can't because I love him!

"I just love him!"

How would you know?

Believe me, being gay doesn't
exclude you from the neurosis
of relationships.

I wish it did.
But it's the same all over.

Everybody's playing the "I
like you, but you don't
like me"

"and then when you do like
me, I don't like you" game.

-It's insane.
-Insane.

I hate to admit it, but I
think I actually have to agree
with him.

When I was a little kid, I
used to bring girls flowers
all the time.

I'd write them poems and shit,
fucking songs.

Remember Molly Gere?
I gave her that locket
necklace for Valentine's Day.

-Sal, you wrote songs?
-Shut up, you.
My point is this.

You remember what she
did to me?

She kicked me in the shin,
threw the locket necklace
on the ground

and ran around screaming,
telling the whole school I had
fucking cooties.

I remember that.
You went home
in tears that day.

Those weren't tears, Tom, she
threw sand in my eyes, too.

We were in the first grade,
man.

No, my point is this, it was
like that for years, until...
(CLEARS THROAT)

I discovered the pattern
to Pac-Man.

Sal, you got chicks because
you could play Pac-Man?

No, stupid.
I'm making an analogy here.

Chicks got a pattern,
see, like Pac-Man.

You remember Pac-Man, right?
Pac-Man had a pattern,

and as long as you played
the pattern right,
you could never lose.

George is right.
For chicks, it's the 11th man
theory.

As soon as you figure out how
to be the 11th man, you got no

problem banging any chick you
want.
The only problem you do have

is now you have to deal with
some manipulative
game-playing little freak

you're stuck with 'cause you
hooked her so good.

Which is why, gentlemen,
I resigned myself a long
time ago

to being a rich motherfucker.

That way I can afford to have
some young, hot, gold-digging
arm-piece.

Works out six to eight
hours a day, just to take care
of my physical needs.

-Well, that's limiting.
-What about intellectually?
What about emotionally?

What about emotionally
or intellectually?

Nowadays most women think
monogamy is a type of wood!

They don't know how to be it
and they certainly don't know
how to spell it.

And they say men cheat?
Well, who the fuck do you
think we're cheating with?

Certainly not you, Wayne.

You think I'll get
emotionally connected
to a woman like that?

I don't think so.
And if I want
intellectual stimulation,

motherfucker,
I'll read a book.

So, you're saying that you're
gonna go the rest of your
life just willing to settle

for having to
compartmentalize?

I don't even fucking
understand what you said,

-but yeah, sure, I'll do that.
-(LAUGHING)

No, I'm serious.
At this point in my life,

my idea of synergy
is getting a blow-job

from Pamela Anderson
while reading Dostoevsky.

I'm telling you, George,

you gotta stop putting
these chicks up
on a fucking pedestal.

They'll just keep shitting on
you from up there.

Tom, too.
Christ, me too!

George, if you want real,
that's great,

go deal with some
of them Portland bitches

with the braided arm-pit
hair and the
three-pounds-a-day

granola eating habit
sporting that fucking
bindi.

Hey, George. Hey,
I'm talking to you!

Hey, h ello?
Is that real?

Seriously.
I have a question.
If I listen to Deepak Chopra,

and I read that
Celestine Prophecy

and I "No-hom-ro-yoren-kyo"
my fucking ass off all day.

while I reek of B.O.
and sandalwood

and I got ten different
kinds of incense coming out
my fucking butthole

does that make me real?

Hey, motherfucker,
am I real, motherfucker?

I'll tell you right now,
motherfucker,
I may bullshit women,

but I never bullshit myself.

Lesson over.

Let me tell you,
that is the biggest
crock of shit

I've ever heard
in my entire life.
Seriously.

-How the fuck
would you know...
-No, no, no. No, please.

Mr. Tough-guy.

Got the whole fucking wide
world sewn up in
a tight little box

and you ain't even 40.

Well, I love you, man,
but I'm here to tell you

you ain't doing
nothing but bullshitting.

What the fuck are you talking
about?

Sal, you're the biggest
romantic I know.

Certainly more than any of us.

Who the fuck do you think
you're fooling?

Come on, man, we've all known
you since elementary school,
too.

Big tough buddy-boy running
around playing gangster.

But you didn't start out
like that.

You wear your heart on your
sleeve, man, and it's the
biggest heart in the world.

Tough as you wanna be, you
still can't figure out how to
keep people

from taking their
shots at it.

You wanna talk about
indoctrination, you should
start by looking at yourself.

I didn't say shit about
indoctrination!

Sure, you did.

When you tried to sell
Wayne on that line of crap

about how he's not
really a homosexual

'cause he didn't come out
of the womb like that.

Well, what about you?

You think you came out of your
mother, God rest her soul

with all that attitude and
shit that makes you you?

You didn't start out that way.

You gave a girl a locket
necklace, man, and wrote
her a fucking song.

You wanna talk about that?

You guys wanna talk about the
11th man theory and all the
game-playing

and the vicious circle and
all that horseshit
about how you're never

gonna get hurt like you did
when you were 16?

Well, I think
you can't help it.

I think you do have feelings,
my boy, in spite of yourself
sometimes.

I think that is what
you wrestle with.

I mean, look at yourself,
my man.

You were affected tonight
by a woman with a
glass fucking eye

who thought the word
"prima donna" meant
"before Madonna."

Come on, Sal,
you're better than that.

You could've been
with any girl you want

but instead you
thought you'd go safe
and hook up with a girl

who was so far
beneath your standards

that she'd never fucking
have to hurt you.

And you wanna know what?
She still fucking hurt you.
So, what's the point?

Why not just hold out for the
one that spins your top

and do whatever it takes to
make it great with her?

How? If they're all
so fucked up,
you tell me how.

You gotta teach them!

You gotta teach them, man.

But that takes being a
responsible member
of the planet, Sal.

And I don't mean you got to be
a tree-hugger to do so, no
offense, Georgie.

but everybody's so out for
the fucking "me" these days.

It's not the X generation or
the Y generation, it's the
brand-new "me" generation.

Everybody's so busy doing
their fucking dance
in the end zone

that they forget to notice
the bigger picture which
happens to include

the scoreboard that reads
that we're down by nine
touchdowns.

Don't you see, man,
if you meet a girl who doesn't
know how to be monogamous

or how to spell
the fucking word

you can either say, "This
girl's so fucking stupid,"
and you can dump her

or you can say,
"Baby, come here.

Check this out,
"M-O-N-O-G-A-M-Y."

And you can show her how to be
monogamous by being
monogamous yourself.

You want good people, man,
make them good.

Anybody can be an asshole.
It takes strength to be a man.

Is that what you taught Karen?

Are you kidding me?
That's what she taught me.

You remember how I was
before I met her.

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, so do I.

It seems to me that
we saw a lot more
of you back then

but I understand,
you're pussy-whipped.

No, I'm not
pussy-whipped, man.

She's just my best friend,
that's all.

I'd rather hang out with her
than anybody I know.
Even you, man.

What the hell are you
doing down here?

Why are you sneaking off in
the middle of the night

as soon as she falls asleep
when you know damn well

she's gonna wake up and drag
your ass back upstairs

faster than you can say
"co-dependent."

Yeah, but what you
don't understand is,

by the time that happens
she's gonna be taking me

-to exactly where
I want to be.
-Man.

You're living in a fucking
fantasy land.

I can't believe
I'm hearing this.

Since when did this start
happening to you?

I mean, look at you!

Karen is a ball-buster, man.
She's a fucking ball-buster.

She is such a ball-buster
she's got you fucked up
and delusional and shit.

Kenny, you're a man.

How can you live like that?

It's not a delusion, Sal.

It's just you and I see things
differently, that's all.

You see it as ball-busting,
I see it as being passionate.

-You see what I'm
talking about?
-You see it as,

"I gotta pick her up
from the airport?"

I see it as "I get to pick her
up from the airport."

It's all about how
you look at it, man.

No, I'm looking at you
like you're out of
your fucking mind.

I mean, if that's what
being married's all about,

you can keep that shit,

'cause ain't no way
this motherfucker

is ever getting married,
you heard?

Why don't you

tell that crock of shit
to Tommy here?

I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

For three years, he's cashing
his chips in early,

going home to a girl

who up and clotheslines
his ass and leaves him

staggering around in
the middle of the street

with his fucking guts
hanging out wondering
what he did wrong. Ha!

What he did wrong!

How about that
for a mind-fuck?

What? Tell me.
Come on, fuckers.

Tell me. He didn't
love her enough?

He didn't treat her well
enough? I don't think so.

We all agree, to a man,

that Tommy is the
best person we know.

And it seems to me I recall,
somewhere back in the day,

him holding out for one
that spun his top

and doing whatever he
could to make it work,
but it didn't work,

-all right?
-All right, all right, Sal.

'Cause she dumped him,
she fucking dumped his ass.

All right. And so the best guy
we know does everything right

and she still
fucking dumps him.

So your theory is shit.

I mean, it is fucking
a bunch of shit!

You wanna know why it's shit?
'Cause there's two people
in a relationship. Two!

And they're both
always changing.

So, no matter what it is
that you do,

how the fuck are you ever
gonna be able to tell

what the other person's
gonna do tomorrow?

-All right, Sal.
-No, fuck that, Tommy!

Fuck! No! All right!
Fuck, Sal!

-Fuck!
-Sal, please.

No, no, no, Wayne, you shut up
too for a second!

I mean, you guys are all
so fucking selfish!

All of you, man! I mean,
you're talking about me
like I'm not even here!

Tommy, look, I was just...

No! Fuck that,
that's fucking bullshit, Sal!

I mean, you come into my home

and all you guys are talking
about is your problems,

your feelings,
your relationships.

Well, did you ever
stop to think of what
I was going through?

I mean, I'm fucking
dying over here, man!

And it's not happening
tomorrow or the next day

or in the first
fucking grade, Sal!

It's happening right now!

I got the love of my life
walking through that door
any minute

and she's gonna leave me.

And I have no idea
what I'm gonna do about it.

All I know is,

I can't let that happen.

I got to get her back.

Now, either you guys put your
heads together and you help me

figure this out right now or
you get the hell outta here

and let me do it on my own,

because, whether you
think so or not,

Sara's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And I'm gonna do whatever
it takes to get her back.

What if you don't?

What?

Just, um, look, I was just
being devil's advocate,
all right?

What if you don't? What if
you don't get her back?
What then?

Well, then I guess
I'll just be like you, Sal.
A man without love.

Very dramatic.

What kind of man is that, huh?

Angry? Vindictive? A monster?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

But I'll be way
worse than you, Sal,

'cause you never had
what I have,

the kind of love I have
in my heart for Sara. Woo.

You lose that, (CHUCKLES)

well, I'd hate to be any girl
who crosses my path
anytime soon.

-Tom...
-Shut the fuck up, George.
I don't want to hear it.

If Sara wants to leave me,
then I'll start a new chapter
of an old club.

The He-Man Woman Hater's Club!

Remember that, huh?
Remember that shit?

With, uh, Spanky and Alfalfa
and them and Buckwheat?

They had this thing called the
He-Man Woman Hater's Club.

And they didn't take any
shit from fucking Darla
or any of them bitches.

He's lost his mind.

Oh, they had the
right idea back then.

I mean, you didn't see Darla

or any of them other chicks
putting on any of the

shows, did you? No.

Spanky and Alfalfa
ran the show,

and if them bitches wanted to
be a part of what was going on

they did what they were told!

"Starsky and Hutch?" No
chicks. Very successful.

"Baretta?" Lived with
an old man and a bird.
No chick drama, no problem.

"Batman?" Gay.

But only when he ever ets
tempted by Catwoman did
he have any real problems.

Han Solo? With Chewie
he was fine.

He hooks up
with Princess Leia,

his ass gets thrown
in the carbonite!

Chicks are the downfall
of every great man
that ever lived!

Marc Antony, Othello,

Bill Clinton! All of them!

And he who does not
learn from history

is doomed to repeat
its mistakes!

What the fuck was I thinking?

I don't want to be with Sara!
I don't want nothing
to do with her!

In fact, if she walked
through that door right now,

the best thing I could do is
throw her sorry ass
on out of here!

I mean, this is still
my house, right?

I don't care how much
I love her! She can come,

she can get her shit,
and she can get the fuck out!

I, I never want to
see Sara again!

Matter of fact, I don't
ever want to see
another woman again!

Masturbation, the key
to the universe be!

And if I never see
another woman again,

it'll be too damn soon
in this motherfucker!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I'll handle this.

Is this where the
Valentine's thing is?

(YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE PLAYING)

* You burden me
with your questions

* You'd have tell no lies

* You're always asking
what it's all about

* But don't listen
to my replies

* You say to me
I don't talk enough

* But when I do, I'm a fool

* These times I've spent,
I've realized

* I'm gonna shoot through
And leave you

* 'The things you say

* Your purple prose
just gives you away

* The things you say

* You're unbelievable

* You burden me
with your problems

* By telling me more than mine

* I'm always so concerned

* With the way you say
You've always go to stop

* To think of us being one

* Is more than I ever know

* But this time, I realize

* I'm gonna shoot through
And leave you

* 'The things you say

* Your purple prose
just gives you away

* The things you say

* You're unbelievable

* 'You burden me
with your questions

* You'd have tell no lies

* You're always asking
what it's all about

* But don't listen
to my replies

* You say to me
I don't talk enough

* But when I do, I'm a fool

* These times I've spent,
I've realized

* I'm gonna shoot through
And leave you

* 'The things you say

* Your purple prose
just gives you away

* The things you say

* It's why I love you more

* The things you say

* Your purple prose
just gives you away

* The things you say

* You're unbelievable'

You gonna invite us
in or what?

Oh, my God, did you see the
looks on those guys' faces
when we walked in?

I swear, I felt like a
steak dinner in a
sea of piranha.

Come on, Laura,
it was not that bad.

Hey, at least these
guys are cute,

which is more
than I can say for the last
party that Rachel took us to.

What, twenty hot girls and two
fat, ugly, hairy, gross guys?
What's wrong with that?

That's what you get when you
work in the porn industry.

I do not work in the
porn industry! I just
do their hair, okay?

ALL: Whatever!

What's that guy Sal
doing here, anyway?

Isn't he supposed to be some
sort of gangster or something?

-Wannabe gangster.
-Wannabe gangster?

-Katherine, the man
carries a gun.
-For show, Laura.

He just flashes it around.
He'd never use it.

Oh, really,
and how would you know?

-Katherine used to
go out with him.
-Is this true?

No, it is not true. I never
used to go out with him.

I slept with him once, but I
never went out with him.

-And?
-And what?
He was a perfect gentleman.

Terrible lover,
but a perfect gentleman.

-A terrible lover?
-What do you mean?

And the guy walks
around like he thinks

he's such a stud or something.

Exactly. He doth
protest too much.

What's the problem,
he didn't know
how to do it right?

Are you kidding?
He did not know
how to do it at all.

I couldn't get this man
to go down on me
if we were on the Titanic.

-ALL: (EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)
-RACHEL: Shit. Why?

I don't know. I think
he said he had some
sort of germ thing.

A germ thing?

-Yeah, like, what a phobia
or something?
-Mm-hm.

Like a germ phobia?

Yeah, I hate it when
guys say that. It makes
me feel so unsanitary.

ALL: That's because
you are unsanitary.

Oh, go fuck yourselves.

Hey, yeah, but what
about the penis, Kat?

I mean, was the
penis bad, too?

Oh, yeah, what's the deal
with the dick?

Katherine said he's got a cock
the size of Florida.

-LAURA: Oh!
-Is this true?

-No, it is not true. It...
-It's what? It's what?

-Is it like the
Cape of Good Hope?
-No.

-Is it like Cape Canaveral?
-No.

Is it like the cape that
Superman used to wear?

-Have you ever seen a
Sunday paper rolled up?
-Yes.

-Double that.
-ALL: Oh!

How bad could that be?

I mean, unless the guy
came in, like, five seconds.

Oh my God, Quick Draw
McGraw's are the worst!

No, actually,
he was the exact opposite.

He took forever.

I just got so frustrated
from riding that monster

so long without any foreplay,
that I went home.

-You went home?
-I went home.

-What, in an ambulance?
-No, in my car.

But I did have such
incredible blue balls

from the whole experience that
I had to call up one of my

Zerves to come finish the job.
RACHEL: Mm.

A Zerves? What's a Zerves?

Reserves, Amy,
as in the Army Reserves.

You always have to
have a couple Zerves
in your stable to call

anytime day or night to
rectify such a situation.

You know, the kind of guys
that fix your car,

help you move,
come over to your house

in the middle of the night
when you hear scary noises.

-Don't you have any reserves?
-No.

You mean to tell me there is
nobody you can call when you

need to get over
a bad breakup?

I can call my mom.

Well, that's really not
the same thing, now is it?

Oh, honey,
you are missing out.

You gotta try it sometime.

You use them like painkillers.

They tell you all the things
that you want to hear,

like how great you are,
or how beautiful you are...

What a fucking idiot
your boyfriend is for
breaking up with you.

And you get to be
totally selfish in bed.

'Cause they're Zerves,
that's what they're there for.

Hey, they know they're
never gonna be Mr. Right.

They're just happy
with being Mr. Right Now!

It sure as hell beats crying
in your pillow at night.

Like my mother always says,

honey, the best way to get
over someone is to get

-underneath someone else.
-Amen, sister!

I mean, I just can't come from
a cock the size of Florida.

I need a tongue the
size of Florida, too.

-You need Gene Simmons
in there!
-Exactly!

LAURA: All right,
that's enough!

Jesus Christ, I've heard
enough. That's disgusting.

You two are just disgusting.

I, I, I mean, I can't believe,
I'm hearing this!

What the hell has
happened to you two?

You sound like a
couple of men.

I mean, with the blue balls
and the Zerves.

I mean, whatever happened to
closeness and intimacy?

Since when did you two
become so desensitized?

Oh, please, Laura.
You have to have sex at
least once ever millennium

before you can
lecture us on the situation.

Rachel, I might be the only
woman left on planet Earth

who can lecture you
on the subject.

I mean, listen to yourselves.
Where are your priorities?

Instead of getting
some random guy to just
come over to your house

to rub out an orgasm for you

and repair your fridge,
don't you want somebody

who will always
be there for you

in the middle of the night
to protect you from
those scary noises?

What, are you fucking
delusional, Laura? You
sound like a Hallmark card.

Besides, you can't argue
this subject with me,

because you just used
a word that does not exist.

Oh, really,
and what word is that?

Always. You used the
word "always,"

-and "always" is the key to
every woman's heartbreak.
-Why?

Because we expect
that he will always be there.

We expect that we will always
be loved no matter what we do
or what we look like.

Well, that is clearly not
the case, now is it?

Because we get fat,
and we get old,

we get traded in for
younger models every day.

So, the simple truth is

the only "always" is that
everything changes.

And in my experience,
men's whims are the
most changeable of all.

So, no, I guess is the
answer to your question.

No, I do not want some guy to
tell me that he is always

gonna be there to protect me
from the scary noises at night

because then I'm gonna
know he's a liar.

I can protect myself just
fine, thank you very much.

Oh, yeah? With what,
your vibrator?

What are you gonna do,
massage them all to death?

Believe me, sister,
I don't need no vibrator.

Oh, I know. You've got the

entire population of Uruguay
on speed dial just in case the

Boston Celtics don't work out.

KATHERINE: Ooh, hey!

You know, you are such a
fucking hypocrite, Laura.

You're one of those girls
who sucks a million cocks,
but only slept with

three guys, so you think
you're some sort of saint.

Well, let me tell you
something, sister, you're not.

Blow-jobs are exactly the
same thing as having sex

and in fact, to some men,
probably worse.

Oh, that is so not true.
Blow-jobs are totally
different than having sex.

I mean, it's not even
the same thing.

Oh, it's not, is it? It's not
the same thing to take some

strange man's dick
out of his pants,

when you don't know
where it's been, or even

if he's showered
that day or not...

...put it in your mouth,
start sucking on it,

and then swallow his come,
when you've only known the guy

for like, mm, few hours?
You know, you're right.

-It's not the
same thing, is it?
-Oh, come on, Rachel,

-a couple of hours?
-Oh, what is it then,
precious?

A few days, at the very most?

I mean, when you add it
all up, what is the total

amount of time you need to
spend with a guy before you're

down on your knees
getting a throat culture
from Mr. Stinky?

What? Six hours
on the first date?

Four on the next?
Oh, the time the two
of you had some coffee?

Why the hell are you
picking on me, Rachel?
I thought we were friends.

We are friends! But I also
know you're full of shit.

And I wouldn't be any sort
of real friend to you

if I didn't call you
on that fake-ass,
nice-girl bullshit

you always try to sell to
every guy you go out with.

And what the hell is that
supposed to mean?

You know exactly
what it means.

It means when you first
start seeing a guy,

do you tell him about
the eight thousand
blow-jobs you've given

or do you try to sell
him on the fact

that you've only slept
with three guys?

That's what I thought.

So, don't try selling
it to me either,

because then you're not
being a very good friend
to me, now are you?

You want a real relationship?

Fine. Be honest.

If the man that
you're going out with

can't handle the truth
about who you are,

he can just go fuck himself.

You can't handle the truth!

Remember that?

With the guy from
the Lakers game?

Rachel, since when the hell
are you anyone to tell anybody

anything about relationships?

Since I'm the one woman
in this room who sees
things the way they are,

instead of seeing them the
way we want them to be.

Laura, you still have stuffed
animals on your bed.

Bunny rabbit fridge magnets

and ceramic "My Secret Garden"
crap all around your house.

Tell me you have
a firm grip on reality.

Relationships end, ladies,
and they all end badly,

otherwise they wouldn't end.

And the only "always" is,
is that they always end badly,

so you better
change your perspective.

I'm sorry, I don't choose
to see it that way.

Exactly. That's exactly
my point.

But the reality is, they do.

Think about it.

The best-case scenario
in a relationship

is that one of
you dies.

And that's the best
it ever gets.

Is that a fucking
design flaw or what?

I mean, you meet the
love of your life,

you're together 50, 60 years
and then one of you dies,

leaving the other one
heartbroken, devastated,
and alone.

Alone to live out the last few
geriatric years of your
miserable life,

trying not to die
from the pain,

-and your only solace is in
bingo and applesauce.
-You go, girl.

And down from that,
we have getting dumped,

which I used to think
was worse than
dumping someone else

because you just feel so out
of control, ugly, worthless,

unworthy, self-conscious
and just fucking lame.

I mean, Jesus,

I used to think
getting dumped was worse
than dumping someone else

until, finally, I dumped
someone myself.

And let me tell you
something, ladies...

...it is way, way, way,

way, way, way worse

than getting dumped yourself,
because now you have to deal

with the fact that it is
your idea, and it
was your action.

And so you're constantly
second-guessing yourself,

"Did I do the right thing?
Was he the best person
I'm ever gonna find?

"Am I gonna be alone for
the rest of my life

"because I just threw away
the best fucking thing that's
ever gonna happen to me?"

Oh, and that comes before you

have to try to turn that
person into someone
you could hate,

so you can try to find a way
to live with that decision.

Oh, no.
I think it's pretty clear.

I would rather get dumped than
dump someone else.

But then...

I really don't ever have
to worry about that again.

Ladies.

-Can I have a
Bushmills, straight?
-Yeah, you bet.

Uh, hi, uh, my name is Tom,
and this is my place.

And the thing is that
I'm going through a lot

of unexpected things
right now and I really,

-really would,
you know, if you...
-Tom, don't worry about it.

We're gonna have one drink
and then we're gonna go.

I kind of got the picture
when we walked in the door.

Oh, you did?
Well, I'm sorry...

You did? I don't mean to make
you feel uncomfortable,

but, uh...what kind
of picture is that exactly?

The picture that your
girlfriend just broke up
with you

and she's on her way over
here right now to pick up

those two suitcases
by the door.

You got all that from
walking in here?

Oh, no, we got that
from the letter that
I found on the table.

We were all reading it
in the bathroom.

Tom, it is
absolutely horrible.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

What just got into her?
No one yet, that's
probably the problem!

Relax, Laura, Rachel's fine.

Fine? Yeah, sure, fucked up,
insecure, neurotic
and emotional,

-sure she's fine.
-Hey, at least she's honest.

Do you know how hard
it is to do what
she does?

Yes, I understand
that scheduling
can be a problem.

No, Laura, Rachel tells men
in her life exactly where
they stand.

Yeah, right behind her where
she's bent over the sink.

No, Laura, Rachel tells men
the truth.

Not what they want to hear,
but the actual truth.

And I think that's pretty
admirable considering
the fact

-that culturally, as women,
we're conditioned to lie.
-What?

-What are you talking about?
-Oh, yeah I got
to hear this.

All right, fine, listen.
You know how

man, if he has sex with, like,

a 100 women, he's
considered a stud, but if a
woman sleeps with like 10

guys, she's considered
a whore.

So, how the hell does
a woman not start

feeling like she
has to lie with

the pressure of that kind
of ridiculous

-double standard?
-That's not lying,

-that's just not giving
all the information.
-That's shading.

-No, that's justification.
-No, that's reality.

If men weren't so infantile
about confronting
their woman's history

then we wouldn't have
to lie, would we?
I mean,

do you know how much easier my
last relationship

would have been
if I didn't have to deal

with the "Did you fuck him?"
questions all the time?

-Amen!
-I mean, Jesus Christ, "Did
you fuck him? Huh?

"Did you fuck him?
Who was that guy?

"How do you know that guy?
Did you fuck him?

"Who are you on
the phone with?
Huh?

"Did you fuck him?
Why is there a guy's

"voice on your answering
machine?
Did you fuck him?"

And the younger the guy
is, the worse it is.

-Or a Latino.
-Or, heaven forbid, they
should ever actually meet

-anyone that you
have been with.
-Oh, and then

-it's sulking for days.
-Or attitude.

And they never stop bringing
the shit up!

-Never.
-"Why don't you go fuck
so and so!"

-Uh-huh!
-I mean, they're worse
than elephants.

And that's just when
you're dealing with their

insecurities about other men.

I mean, don't even get me
started on the bedroom.

Do you know how patient
I have to be with these big,
oversized fucking babies?

Like my mother always says,
"I already got two children.
I don't need a third!"

Okay, so you're admitting
that lying is part and parcel

to the construct of your
relationships?

I don't know, Deb.
Is it lying to tell a
child that there is a

Santa Claus if it makes
him feel better
about Christmas?

I don't know, Laura, is
it lying not to tell

a man about fucking
the Raiders

if it makes him feel better
about marrying you?

You know what, Deb, fine.
If that's what you want
to call it, fine.

But as far as I can
see, we don't have any
choices.

Sister, if I have to choose
between not telling a man
every last detail

about my life so that things
can go smoothly, or being
completely honest

and staying up
all night fighting about it,

there really ain't no choice,
you know what I'm saying?

Yes, I do.
And you know what, Amy,

you're right.
Men can't handle the truth.

And the sooner we all
learn that, the smoother
things will be.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I just can't
believe that things
have gotten that bad.

That, that, relationships
have just turned into one
big coping contest

that we're all trying
to endure like Chinese
water torture.

See, sweetie, that's why I
only date married men.

'Cause I know they're
unavailable and there's
a limit to the torture.

That is so wrong on
so many levels, I don't
even know what to say.

Wait, what are you talking
about, you went out with
Sal

and he was never married.

Uh, yeah, I know that
now, but I didn't know
that then.

I mean, the man used to wear
a wedding ring.

He later told
me that he wore it
to attract women.

-Well, that did it?
-Well, hell, it attracted me.

Oh, my God, Katherine! Why?

Because, Deb, I figure if
a man is married

there's gotta be something
good about him. I mean,

-at least he can commit.
-Yes,

but then you go make him
cheat

so the commitment thing goes
out the window.

Yeah, but by that time
I'm already over him.

Don't you understand
what I'm trying
to tell you here?

-No.
-It's not about the sex,
sweetie, it never is.

Anybody can have sex.
It's about the walk
up the stairs.

Okay.

Is it me or is everybody else
on this planet just
absolutely crazy?

Oh, no, we're all
definitely crazy.

It's just the ones who
think that they're not
that you have to worry about.

What do I know?
I don't know anything.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

* Dig

* Groove is in the heart
Groove is in the heart

* Groove is in the heart
Astronomical
Groove is in the heart

* Hit me!

* Watch out!

* Groove is in the heart

* Groove is in the heart
Groove is in the heart

* Groove is in the heart

One, two, three!

This is bad, this is
bad, this is really, really,
really, really, really bad!

-Relax, Tom.
-Relax? Sal, there are girls
in my apartment.

Hot girls, drinking
and carrying on.

I mean, what am I supposed
to do when Sara gets here?

She's gonna
think I'm being totally blase
about

-this whole thing.
Yes, she is!
-No, she's not.

She's definitely not gonna
think you're blase
about anything.

Anyway, the girls being here
could work out to your
advantage.

-What? How?
-When chicks always
see you

with other chicks it seems
to make them want you
more.

Yeah, but I'm not out
with any of these chicks.

Yes, but she doesn't
know that.

You really think I want
her to think that?

Sal, if she thought I was
out with

these chicks, I'd be done
for sure!

You're broken up.
You do what the fuck you
want.

-It's been an hour, Sal!
-So?

-So?
-So?
You're either broken up

or you're not broken up.
There's no gray area
where we get all fucked up

is when in the in-between
stage, where you're
not together,

you're still not supposed to
fuck anyone else.

Yeah, and the one who
fools around first is always
the bad guy.

It's always like, "Oh, my God,
I can't believe

"you're into someone
else already!

"It's only been two weeks!"
Or two days,

two months, whatever
the fuck it is, whoever
doesn't move on always feels

like they got hit by
a truck!

Yeah, but I don't want
to move on.

Yeah, you may not
want to feel like you
got hit by a truck.

I already do feel like
I got hit by a truck.

Well, you may want
to have another drink.

Woo! Let me have one
of those, too.
Scotch, rocks.

-Hello, I'm Katherine.
-Hi, Ken.

Uh, of course you know Sal.
And this is Tom.

Hi, Tom, what time
is she getting here?

-Oh, great, everybody knows.
-Any second.

Really?
Do you want us to go?

No, no, no. I'm still
trying to think out my
strategy.

You ever think about
using us?

-See?
-Maybe.

Well, feel free, honey.
Women always want what
they can't have.

Believe me, if she
walks up in here thinking

she has the upper hand
and instead finds you in
here with us, looking like

-a pimp, oh, she might
just decide to stay.
-You think so?

Honey, I know so.
Ambivalence is a powerful
aphrodisiac.

I think I see someone
who's actually hot.

Come on,
Tom, let's go get extroverted.

Unless you're Sal, in which
case you come off looking
like a fool.

Ah yes, Sal the fool.
But I do understand he
has ways of making up

-for it.
-I wouldn't know anything
about that.

Please.
Don't play coy with
me, young lady.

I happen to know the two
of you were practically
engaged.

I wouldn't say all that.

Yes, but you did meet
Uncle Miltie.

Can I take the Fifth?

Please, I've been trying
to crack this bottle

-open for years.
-Shit.

Oh my God, don't move.
Those shoes are incredible!

-Oh, my God, don't you
love them?
-More than life itself.

Oh, what I wouldn't give
to be a size five.
Charles David?

-Prada.
-Oh, my God,
they're absolutely adorable.

Do you have any
idea if they do custom orders?

Oh, my God, are you
kidding?
They're my design.

-I work for the manufacturer.
-Oh, my God, are you
serious?

-Oh, my God, like totally.
-Oh, my God, because I'm
getting married in June

and I would just love it
if those exquisite works

of art could be a part
of my ensemble.

-Oh, my God, are you
serious?
-Oh, my God, like totally.

Oh, my God, I'm so
flattered, I'll just totally
have to make it happen.

Tell me everything.
Is he just like to die for?

Oh, honey, to die for
this man is easy, it's
living for him that's hard.

-Oh, my God!
-How you doing?

Sal, you can't pull
the eleventh man theory
on Debbie.

-She's a friend of mine.
-Can't fuck your friends who
can you fuck?

-Hey, how you doing?
-Hi, I'm George.

-Hey, George, I'm Amy.
-Hey, what do you got
there?

I think it's an Etch
A Sketch.

I love how Tom always
leaves it out to see

what people will do,
you know?

Oh, so you did know
what it was when you
asked me?

-Well, yeah, but, you know...
-Well, then why did you
say,

"Oh, hey, what do
you got there?"

Like you didn't know
what it was.

No, no, no, no.
I didn't, I didn't say, "Hey,

"uh, what do you got there?"
Like I don't know
what that is.

I said, "Hey, what do
you got there?"
Like, you know,

"Hey, what do you
got there?" like, "Yeah, I
know what that is, but

"for some reason I,
I still want you
to tell me."

What is that, like some
sort of game for you
or something?

Okay, I have no idea
what to say right now.

You don't need to say
anything, silly, I'm kidding!

-Sit down.
-Wow. Okay.

-I'm making a picture.
-Wow, look, you, you did
a whole thing there.

-It's two people
holding hands.
-Two people holding hands.

Of course!
Yeah, I thought it was
the symbol for United Way.

It stands for unity.

-Unity? Hmm.
-And friendship.

-Friendship.
-Do you know how
to make origami?

(LAUGHS)
Random segues aside, no,

I, sadly, I don't, but
if you give me a
piece of paper and a pen

I can show you something
slightly origami-esque
that I can do.

-Oh, my God, are you
serious?
-Oh my God, like totally.

Excuse me, are you Sal?

Well, that depends.
Are you a bill collector?

-No. No.
-Were you once a man?

-Are you over eighteen?
-Oh, yeah.

Then, yeah, I'm Sal.
How ya doing?

-You know Tom?
-Yes. Tom, I'm sorry, it's

taking us a little longer
to get out of here

than I thought.
I'm gonna gather up the girls
in a minute

-and we're gonna
go, okay?
-No, no, don't go.

Right, Tom? I-I think I just
heard George go break out
his Ouija board.

I can't do this, I'm
gonna go outside and see
if she's here.

No, Tom, don't do that.
She's not here.

If she was here then she'd
be here, right?

No, not if she's trying
to find parking.

-Tom.
-I'm gonna go outside
and check.

Don't go.

-Wow, he's got it bad.
-No shit.

I hope I never get
that way over anybody.

-Me neither. What'd you say
your name was again?
-Rachel.

Rachel, that's right, Rachel.
You're Kat's friend, huh?

Mm-hm. Apparently, so are you.

Yeah, that was a long
time ago.

Hope she didn't
have too many bad things
to say about me.

Hmm, actually no, not at
all.

The only thing I remember
her saying is that

you didn't feel too well

the night the two
of you went out.

-Really? I don't remember
that.
-Oh, yeah.

Think she said
you were a little hoarse.

-Really?
-Yes, and he's on his
way over here right now.

-Oh, my God, what's his name?
-Well, his name
is Kwame Damfu,

but I just like to call him
"Chocolate Thunder!"

-Oh, my God, is he
black?
-Girlfriend, is he ever.

Oh, but you know, he's
like, from the Islands,

so he smells like the ocean
and I swear to God,

if you put your ear
up to his chest, you
can hear the waves.

Oh, my God, do your
parents know?

Oh, honey, my parents wouldn't
know

a bowling ball if
it hit 'em in the head.

Besides, when it comes to
my love life,

the rest of the world can just
keep their opinions
to themselves.

Yeah, but what about the sex?

Oh, no, girl, you got
to talk about the sex,

-otherwise how else
will you learn?
-Learn?

Oh, sweetheart, you are
talking to a man who can
suck a baby's butt

through a park bench, but do
you think I got that way
on my own?

Oh, my God, that is
so wrong, I can't even
believe I'm hearing this.

-Will you teach me?
-Honey, for Prada shoes,
anything.

-Anything?
-Yeah, if you could pick
any one thing

about yourself that you
could change,
what would it be?

-Five.
-One, two, three, four, five.

I don't know. I think
that I would like to
change the way I look

-at the world. Green.
-Really? How so? G-R-E-E-N.

Well, I think that I would
like to look at world

as though single person
on the face of the earth

was totally and completely
enlightened, except me.

You don't say.

That way I'd always learn
something new from everyone I
meet.

-Wow, interesting.
-Blue.

-There's no blue.
-Red.

R-E-D.
Basically, no experience would
ever be lost.

No matter how much adversity
you're faced with,

you'd always continue to
grow.

-Pick an environmental
organization.
-Greenpeace.

Good. Just look under the,
uh, flap for Greenpeace.

Oh, my God!
What do you think
that means?

And more importantly, what do
you do with your hands?

I mean, do you just
like totally twist on the
stroke

-or do you just
go hands-free?
-Oh, my God, let me

just tell you that I
am so glad you just
asked me

that question because,
you know how like,
whoever's down there

for you could not possibly
know exactly what

-you need them to know?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's the same with
us, except that I know
men

who make women stop
half the time.
I mean, they're like,

"It's not a fucking artichoke,
all right?"

-Oh, my God, are you
kidding?
-Oh, no, girlfriend,

-I so am not.
-Well then, do you think
that's me?

Because I always thought
I was so good.

Oh, honey, every woman does.
But let me tell you,

it takes a man to
know a man, and quite
frankly, I am like the

-Shaolin motherfucking master.
-Oh, my God, are you
serious?

-Oh, my God, like totally.
-What do I do?

-Well, first things first,
you got to love it.
-Right.

I mean, if you don't love it,
you shouldn't be

-down there. I mean, really,
-Right.

...you have to get in there,
and just kind of, wow!

I mean, I cannot tell
you what a positive attitude
will do for the overall

-performance of a blow-job.
-Got it.

-Next, you've got to be
able to take it all.
-Take it all?

Take it all!
You want perfection,
don't you?

Yeah, but what if he's
like, Shaq or something?

-I mean, I'm a small girl.
-Well, then, honey,

you have to learn to unhinge
like a fucking python,

because let
me tell you, you will
never be the queen until

-you learn to swallow the
king!
-Oh, my God.

-You gotta work that taint.
-Yeah.

-You gotta use a lot
of saliva.
-Yeah.

-Absolutely no teeth.
And last,
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-...but certainly not least.
-Yes.

-The quintessential move.
-Yes.

-The keys to the kingdom.
-Yes.

-The way to fucking bang-cock
in Bangkok is...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah?

You gotta lick that ass!

And don't even be shy
about it, sweetheart,

-you gotta get yourself
all up in there.
-What?

Ask any man who's had
it done,

and had it
done well, and they will
tell you straight up.

"It ain't truly a blow-job
until you've tapped that ass!"

Oh, my God!

What, cringe to think what
else she had to say.

-She didn't say much.
-Oh, yeah? Compared to what?

Girls like to talk.
You should know this.

I guess that rules out
you and me then,
doesn't it?

Why do you say that?
Don't you girls have a code?
I've been with Katherine.

She's a friend of yours,
so... You know, if I
met a girl who'd been

with a friend of mine,
she'd be off limits till
the end of time, maybe

even longer.
Don't you girls have that
same rule?

Some do, but women
are much more competitive
than men,

so once word gets out
on a man with potential,

women have been known to
do some pretty
outlandish shit.

-Really?
-Mm-hm.

Nothing so overt as the
eleventh man theory,

but then again,
women have to make
everything seem like it was

-the man's idea.
-Wait, you know about the
eleventh man theory?

-Of course, doesn't everybody?
-George told you, didn't he?

Yep, at the bar, right
before we got here.

-Bastard!
-You see, women
are more subtle, Sal.

-They circle.
-Like sharks?

Exactly.
They'll get a man
in their sights

and they'll keep putting
themselves in close enough
physical proximity to him

so he's forced to make
a move.
Thus making him think

that he is the aggressor.

Are you kidding me?
You go through all that just

to get a guy to talk to you?

Sweetheart, you have no idea
what we go through.

You guys are like the fucking
Godfather or something.

You're so smart and you
know so much,

what am I supposed to do now?

Now you're supposed to ask
me to go outside with you

to help you bring
that thing in from the
car and somehow...

We never seem to make it back.

-Really?
-Really.

Remind me never to piss
you off.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll make sure you get all the
right instructions.

What instructions?
You take, uh, two parts H,

one part O, and then you pour
them both down the drain

because you never water down
a forty-year-old Scotch
unless you sell it.

Well, I'm glad to see
Tom has you around to
stay on top of these things.

I'm just trying to get
as numb as possible before
Tom's girl gets here,

because, believe me,
this is gonna hurt me

almost as bad
as it's gonna hurt him.

You really think she's that
over him?

Look, all I know is
that women don't make a
move unless they're ready.

They could be with a guy
for two years and they'll
spend the last six months

trying to get over the
guy so that when they're
ready to move on,

they just move on.

Guys are totally different.
When they break up, they do
it fast,

but they can
spend years trying to get
over the girl 'cause, usually,

they don't think it through.

So, I take it you
don't have any huge impending
love problems

-walking through that
door yourself this evening?
-No love problems for me.

-I'm married.
-So that's why you're out
sneaking out of the house

at three o'clock in the
morning drinking
with the boys.

Uh, no, I'm not exactly
out drinking, I live upstairs.

Uh-huh. What's the matter,
your wife doesn't drink?

No, I don't sleep. I'm
an architect and I do
most of my drawing at

night and, uh, when my
wife nods off, I sometimes

come down here
to procrastinate.

Okay. So, you want to
stick with that one, or
do you want some time

to come up with something
else?

Man, I ain't got time
to think of nothing else.

-She's gonna be here any
second.
-Yeah, but she's not here

-right now.
-But she's gonna be
and the anticipation

-of that is giving me
a panic attack.
-All right. Can you please

just calm down, okay, Tom?
Just relax and breathe.

Oh, yeah, right.
Breathe, breathe.

You know, people say "Breathe"
when you can't breathe, but
if you could breathe you'd

-be breathing, right?
It makes no sense.
-Yeah, a lot of things

don't make sense, Tom.
Like waiting outside in the
cold for a woman who,

one, doesn't appreciate you,
and two, has no idea
who you are.

-What?
What are you talking about?
-How long have the two

of you guys been together?
What's it been, like, three
years?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. In all that time
did you ever once think

-about cheating on her?
-No.

-Did you ever lie to her?
-No.

-Did you ever hit her?
-No.

-Treat her badly?
-No.

-Did you tell her that
she was beautiful?
-Every day.

-Open her door?
-Always.

-Remember her birthday?
-Course.

-And you bought her flowers?
-All the time.

Even on a Tuesday, or
for no apparent reason at
all?

-Yeah.
-Then that is exactly what
I am talking about, Tom.

You are a good man.
You are a decent human
being and if she doesn't

know what kind of man
you are after three years,
well, then, I am sorry.

I am sorry. She doesn't
deserve to be with you.
And so now you're out

here, you're freaking yourself
out for no good reason.

No, Deb, I think there's
a pretty good reason.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Booyah.

-I was gonna ask Sara
to marry me tonight.
-What?

I went to the bar to go
knock back a couple
of shots of that liquid

courage just so I
could come home and have
the nerve to ask her.

-Never got the chance.
-And she still doesn't know?

No.

But wait a sec... No-no-no,
wait a second, what about,
what about this whole party

and all of these people
in there?
What...

Sal invited you guys,
didn't he?

I mean, I didn't.
I only invited him, Ken,
and George 'cause I thought

it'd be cool if they
were here when I asked
her. Figured I'd surprise 'em

all, you know?
It being Valentine's Day
and everything.

You're telling me that Sal
and all of those guys

-in there, they don't know,
either?
-No.

I think it's actually
ironic that all Sara ever
talked about was about us

getting married, and now when
I'm finally ready to do
it, she's gone.

-You think maybe she got
sick of waiting?
-I don't know.

You have to tell her.
You know that, Tom.

I mean, you know, I know
it's gonna seem like really
bad timing and everything,

but I mean, you know you
have to tell her, right?
It's not too late.

I don't know, Deb.

I mean, it just doesn't seem
right.

A girl not wanting
to be with you because
you don't ask her

to marry you within the time
frame she feels
it's appropriate.

What about love?
Doesn't that have anything
to do with it?

Tom.
I always wanted to marry
Sara, Deb.

Always.
I just wanted
it to be my idea.

You know, and not
feel like I'm being pressured

into doing something I was
gonna do in the first
place.

If, if two people really
love each other, that's what
should matter.

And all this necessity to get
married and stuff
is just insecurity.

I hate to break it to you,
Tom, but women need security.

Everybody does, Deb.
Don't they?

KEN: What exactly
are you trying to say?

I'm not trying to
say anything.
I just know men, that's all.

-You do?
-Mmm-hmm. Especially
the married kind.

I know that if you're off
sneaking out of the house
at 3:00 a.m.

while your wife's still in bed
sleeping, you're not just down
here drinking, baby.

You're down here
looking for something.

What do you suppose
that something is?

-Probably yesterday.
-Yesterday?

Mmm-hmm. You can't just go out
and win the Kentucky Derby
every year.

Eventually they gotta put you
out to stud.

But I bet you used to be
the man back in the day,
didn't you?

Okay. Hold on,
what's all this "yesterday"
and "used to be" business?

Oh, now, sugar,
don't go getting any more
gray hairs over it.

It happens to every man
and I can tell by
looking at you,

I bet right before you
hung it up, you left a trail
behind you, didn't you?

Probably had her panties
all wet, lungs breathing all
hard, talking about,

"Can I come by
your house on Sunday

"and pick up that thing
I accidentally left over
your house on purpose?"

But then I bet you got
real bored with all that

and thought you'd settle down
with a woman who'd
settle you down,

but what you didn't realize
is that sort of shit got to
happen from the inside.

Ain't no woman on this earth
that can do that for you.

But now you're married,
with that wolf still running
around in your head screaming,

"Oh, I got to get out
and run!"

And so that's why,
on restless nights like this
when you can't sleep,

you still feel the need
to come down here
and rub up against it.

You know why, Kenny?
Because deep down inside,
you are still the man.

-Thank you.
-Good night.

I'll be right there.
Excuse me, Tom,
I'll say good night.

-Whoa, where you going?
-I'm gonna go show Rachel
that thing in my car.

-What thing?
-You know,
that thing in my car.

No, Sal, I don't know.
What thing?

You know that thing.
The thing, the thing,
the "can't get lost" system.

-Oh, the "can't
get lost" system.
-"Can't get lost" system.

-Also known as
the Northstar System.
-Oh, the Northstar System.

-Northstar System.
-Ah.

I thought you were gonna
stay and help me out.

You know I'm not good with the
boy-girl thing. Anything I say
is just gonna make it worse.

I don't think
that's necessarily true.

I'm dealing with a force
much greater than my own.

So you'll excuse me
I'm gonna go show Rachel the
Northstar System in my car.

Good night, Tom.

I never thought I'd say this,
but I think Sal may have
actually met his match.

Believe me, you don't even
know the half of it.

Hey, hey! What do you
think you're doing?

What? I'm just about to
open the door, what does it
look like I'm doing?

No, I don't think so.
When you're with me, you don't
touch a door, understand?

Not that you can't, because
of course I know you can.

Be my honor if you
let me to do that for you.

Are you gonna walk on the
outside of the street when
I'm on the sidewalk too?

And behind you when you go
up the stairs, in front of you
when you go down.

-Really?
-I know my Emily Post.

Huh, I'm impressed.

No need, really, it's what
every man should know
and no man really does.

Will you let me pick up the
check every now and then?

You can pretend to reach
just so I can say,
"Baby, don't be ridiculous."

If I recall, Katherine did say
you were a gentleman.

Oh, I can be gentle sometimes,
till it's time to be
not-so-gentle.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for 3356 Commonwealth.

Do you know where
I might find this address?

Yeah, partner,
it's right there.
I just came out of there.

Thank you. Wait.

Do you by chance know
my friend Wayne Krenser
for whom I am looking?

I am Kwame Damfu.

Yeah, I know your friend,
partner.
He's a friend of mine, too.

-I'm Sal.
-Ah, Sal.

I'm so very blessed
to meet you.

Wayne has told me so many
wonderful things about you.

That's because
he's a good person.
You should remember that.

-Oh, I will always.
-That's good.

Because I'd hate to have
to remind you, you understand?

Yes. I understand.

That's good, because right now
he may be your boy,
but he's always been my boy.

Nice to meet you, Kwame.

Have a good night.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Say I'm wrong. I will finish
my drink, gather up
my girls and I will leave.

But if I'm right,
oh, baby, if I'm right,

then do yourself a favor,
Kenny. Cut yourself a break.
Live a little.

Come with me now because
life is too short and
you only live once,

but if you live it right,
once can be enough.

-You really think so?
You honestly mean that?
-Oh, yes. Yes.

-Then you know what,
Katherine?
-What, Kenny?

That is the most cheesiest-ass
bullshit I have ever heard
in my entire life.

(LAUGHS) What?

And I bet that speech probably
works on a lot of married men,
doesn't it?

Right? Backed-up fools who are
tired of fucking their wives
and hate their marriage.

So when they hear you
repeat that weak-ass shit,

they can't wait to go run off
and get freaky with you

playing Glory Days
on the radio, thinking they
still got it, right?

-I don't think you...
-No, I know, you don't think.

And, sweetie, you probably
should, because I know
you're out there

fucking breaking a lot of
people's hearts and
hurting a lot of people

that you don't even realize
that you're hurting.
And that ain't fucking cool.

So go gather up
your girls and go,
and the next time,

try and be an original and
having some respect for other
people's relationships,

because nowadays,
not a lot of people do.

Kenneth Albert Anderson!

Why the hell are you down here
drinking at 3:00 in the
goddamn morning?

-Kenny, your wife's here.
-Thank you, Tom.

Sorry-ass motherfucker.

I mean, are you kidding me
with this, again?

-Come on, girls, let's go.
-Oh, don't leave without me!

Wait a minute, where's
everybody go... Oh!

Turn down my good shit.
I ain't never comin'
here again.

KAREN: If I have to come
down here looking for
you one more time...

If you make me get out of bed
and come down here looking
for you one more time,

-just one more time...
-Oh, yeah,
what are you gonna do?

Then you'd better have
one of these for me.

-Vodka gimlet?
-Yes, it is.

-Kwame!
-Wayne!

Oh, my God,
I'm so glad you're here!

Did you see what I did there,

-with that whole
irate wife thing?
-(SPITTING)

Very convincing.

Let me introduce you
to my friends.

Oh, my God, Tom!
Tom, Sara's outside!

On second thought, maybe not.
Come on, Kwame,
let's evaporate.

-What's she doing, Deb?
-She's looking for
a parking spot!

Oh, shit!
She can't find parking!

-Oh, good, Sara's coming up?
-TOM: George?

Yeah, but we're actually
leaving.

-George! George!
-Yes, can't you see?

You have a terrible
green hue to your complexion.

Are you flushed?
Are you seeing spots?

No, but if I let you
take me upstairs,
will you take my temperature?

-George?
She can't find parking!
-Be strong, Tommy!

And remember you have to tell
her! Please tell me
you're gonna tell her.

-Tell her, don't forget!
-George!

Would you maybe wanna go out
with me sometime and get an
ice cream cone or something?

An ice cream cone?

Yeah, or, you know,
the observatory or
Color Me Mine or whatever?

Course I would, George.
I think that would be fun.

Wow, great!

The booze, George, the booze!
She's gonna think I'm in here
celebrating, man!

-Yeah, I got it.
-Do you need help?

No, I got it.
I put my number under
yellow in the thing.

So if you want to call me
or if late at night,

if there's ever a scary noise
and you don't have
anyone else to call,

-then you can call me. Yeah.
-Thanks, George.

-TOM: George! Come on, man!
-Okay, I better get going.

-Okay, well... Goodbye.
-Bye.

TOM: (SOFTLY) Oh, shit.

-And thanks for having us,
Tom. I really had a good time.
-Oh.

No problem, Amy.
No problem, thanks for coming.

You figured out what you're
gonna do yet?

(SIGHS)

Wanna know the truth?
Not a clue.

-Then I think that you should
probably close this door...
-No.

-...and not really open it...
-No, no, no.

...until you've thought of
exactly what it is you're
gonna say.

You don't understand.
She's outside right now,
trying to find parking.

And when she does,
she's gonna come in here
and then she's gonna...

How about "I love you"?

-Excuse me?
-What about just telling her
you love her, Tom?

Well, that's great
and everything.
It is, Amy, it is, but...

You know,
it's not that simple.

I mean...

It isn't like we haven't said
that to each other a million
times before, you know?

It's just...

I just don't think that means
anything to anybody right now.

-What are you talking about?
-I mean, it's true, isn't it?

Either people say it too much,
or they say it and they
don't really mean it.

I mean, it's just words
to me now.

Maybe that's because you don't
really know what those
words mean yourself.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Do you know what
love really is, Tom?

Love is a one-way street,
going from you out.

And you give it because
it makes you feel good
to give it,

'cause when you give it,
it makes you strong.

And that crazy, vulnerable,
out-of-control, scary feeling,

the feeling that most people
think is love,
it's not really love at all.

It's just the need
to be loved.

And believe me,
it's a very different thing.

Real love isn't "I love you"
hoping the other person's
gonna say "I love you, too."

It's just "I love you."
It's like giving someone
a gift at Christmas.

And if you get anything back,
then that's a bonus,
that's extra.

But you shouldn't
need to receive it,

'cause the true strength
is in the giving of it.

But then again,
that's just what I think.

But what do I know?
I don't know anything.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Looks like you had
a few people over tonight.

Yeah, well,
it's Valentine's Day,
remember?

You know, as hard as I tried,

I couldn't seem to figure out
a way to get those
two bags into my car.

You want a drink or something?

Look, okay, Sara,
look at me for
a second, all right?

For a second.
I know you got
a lot on your mind.

I know you got a lot of things
to figure out.

And up until very recently,
I thought I needed you here
with me in my life

for me to feel the way
I feel about you.

But just all of a sudden,
I just...
I suddenly realize I don't.

I mean, I want us to be
together and everything.

But I just realized I don't
need you here with me
in order for me to love you,

'cause I'm always
gonna love you.

And if you were to leave right
now and go to China
for six months,

I'm still gonna love you.
And if you gain 50 pounds,
I'm still gonna love you.

And you know what?

After this moment,
if I never see you again,
I'm still gonna love you.

And if you don't feel that way
about me...

I know it's gotta be tough
on you, 'cause it's been
hell on me as it is.

(VOICE BREAKING)
And I know that you're the
greatest thing that ever was.

And I'm just lucky to have
spent the last three years
of my life with you.

But I do love you, Tom.

(SIGHS)

I know.

Maybe I should stay
and we can talk.

No, no, no,
I think you should go.

I think you should go
and figure out whatever it is
you got to figure out.

And if you want to come back,
come back.

And if you don't,
that's cool, too.

But whatever happens,
you gotta know,
you're the love of my life,

and I'm just lucky
to have known you.

Good night, Sara.

(SNIFFLES)

GEORGE: Hey, Tom.

Kitchen's clean.

Good. Snap on the stereo.
We're gonna make
two more dirty glasses.

(RATTLING)

(MELANCHOLIC SONG PLAYS)

What exactly is the story
with that guy?

-Hmm. Strange you should ask.
-Hmm?

-He's got a cock
the size of Florida.
-That's what I hear.

But his tongue,
what does he do
with his tongue?

I hear he can part his hair
with his tongue.

-Really? Must be the yoga.
(GIGGLING)
-Ah!

-Downward-facing doggy style.
-Yeah.

-He told me he could
lick his asshole. He did!
-(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)
He did, I swear to God.

-CALLAHAN: Cut.
-RACHEL: Didn't he say
that earlier?

(LAUGHTER)

Shh.

You spend so much of your time
going to places you never go,

to try not to run into people
you do know,
it's not practical. Besides...

This chocolate looks good.

We're ready to rock.
Let's do it.

-Everybody ready?
-You're goddamn right!

Let's roll.

And... Action!

-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHTER)

Come on!

Because you only live once,

and, you know,
life is so short.

And if you do it right
and you live it right once,

Kenny, you know...

-(CHUCKLES)
-Wow.

What?

I didn't expect that the scene
was gonna go that way.

(LAUGHING)

You mean that?

(LAUGHS) You can't lean in
that close to give me a kiss.

-Why? You told me to!
-No, but not that close.

-Okay!
-Because then
I'm pulling away.

-All right!
-I gotta lean into you.

-You said get up in your face.
-You know...

All right, let's do it.

-Best ensemble
in the bathroom!
-(LAUGHING)

-Best potty performance
you'll ever see.
-Oh, please.

I'm only being honest.
Are you getting
this over there?

Fuck!

All right, listen up, people.
I have one thing to say
about this last take.

I loved it,
but I'll never use it.

(INDISTINCT)

Oh, my God!
Sal's gay!

(ALL GROANING)

-All right, God!
-(LAUGHING)

You see what happens
when you try and be nice?

People grab your ass,
your friends think
you're a fag.

-So much for fucking karma.
-You got to get down there
and just...

(SNARLING)

Gotta get in there and then...
(EXCLAIMS)

I cannot tell you the positive
att... I mean, I cannot
tell you what a positive...

I mean, really,
you gotta get in there and...
(WHOOPING)

Kind of... (SCREECHING)

I cannot tell you what
a positive attitude will do

-for the overall performance
of a blow-job.
-Got it.

-Next, you got to be
able to take it all.
-Take it all.

Take it all! You want
perfection, don't you?

Yeah, but what if he's like
Shaq or something?
I mean, I'm a small girl.

Well, then, honey,
you have to learn to unhinge.

Unhinge like a fucking python,

because you'll never be the
queen unless you learn
to swallow the king!

Goddamn it, you have got
to learn to unhinge like
a motherfucking python.

Because, let me tell you,
you will never be the queen

unless you learn to
swallow the king!

You've got to learn to unhinge
like a fucking python!

Let me tell you
something...

Well, then, honey,
you have got to learn to
unhinge like a fucking py...

Well... Well, then, honey,
you have got to learn to
unhinge like a fucking python.

Because let me
tell you something,

you will never be the queen
unless you learn
to swallow the king!

ALL: Oh, my God!

Becky, look at his butt!

-It is so big!
-I know!

-SAL: You're bullshit!
-You know what?
That's bullshit.

-That's a little bullshit.
-(LAUGHING)

Okay, good.

They don't understand that
they're the ones who created
the Frankensteins they abhor.

-Frankenstein was a whore?
-Leave my wife out of this.

-(LAUGHING)
-Imagine that conversation.

"Excuse me, Mr. Johnson?
We have some bad news
and some good news.

"The bad news is, we have
found some growth in the
cerebral cortex of your brain.

"The good news is, uh...

"You can start sucking
dick immediately!"

CALLAHAN: Fantastic!
I love that take,
but I'll never use it.

Yeah, me too.
I used to love it.
Tom always... Sorry!

MAN: Tape this shit up!

Oh, my God.
What do you think that means?

(SIGHS) Well, when I see
dogs having sex,
I think it means...

(BOTH LAUGH)

CALLAHAN: Good. One last time
just on that first part.

No, I don't think so.

If the rest of the world could
just keep their opinions
(INHALES) to themselves...

(LAUGHING)

If that's what being married's
all about, then you
can keep that shit,

'cause there ain't no way this
motherfucker's ever getting
married, you heard?

ALL: Whatever!

If that's what
being married's all about,
you can keep that shit,

'cause there ain't no way
this motherfucker's ever
getting married, you heard?

ALL: Whatever!

That's what being married's
all about, then you can
keep that shit,

'cause there ain't no way
this motherfucker's ever
getting married, you heard?

(LAUGHS) Okay, good.
We got all that?

It's all covered? Cut it.