Original subtitles

-Captain Cash, reporting as ordered, sir! -Oh, rest, Captain.

I don't mean ''parade rest.'' I mean rest!

ActuaIIy, I find this rather reIaxing, sir.

Damn it to heII, Captain. Sit down there, wiII you?

Rank has its privlIeges, you know.

The generaI's aide is privlIeged to be at ease with his CO,

to find out he puts on his pants just Iike any other human, one Ieg at a time.

-Do you want a drink? -No, thank you, sir.

PrivlIege of command.

Now, Captain Cash, I have overhere a rather Iarge probIem.

-Come here. -Yes, sir.

Now, there sits the IittIe SiciIian vlIIage of VaIerno.

We just Iearned that it's being heId by an ItaIian force, company strength.

I don't have to teII you that everything we've got is in the fieId.

My onIy avaiIabIe unit is Company C.

Now, the question is, do we bypass VaIerno or do we knock it out?

WeII, going strictIy by the book, sir, we'd better...

-Wait a minute. Shove the book, Cash. -Yes, sir.

They've got about as many decorations as Goring times 10.

They're dead beat. They're due for evacuation.

Now, what do you say?

-Knock them out, sir. -They've got no Ieader, you know.

Captain EIIsworth Cody is en route back to the States

and the Iieutenant who's now in charge is...

WeII, I don't want to say he's unstabIe,

Now, what do you say?

Knock them out, sir.

WeII, thanks for your heIp, Captain Cash, and good Iuck.

-Good Iuck, sir? -That's right.

I want to see what the book can do.

I'm putting you in command of C Company.

Yes, sir! Very good, sir!

Yeah, weII, we'II see how good it is.

Those are good men, Cash. Don't waste any ofthem,

I'II do my best, sir!

-Oh. Wait a minute, LioneI. -Yes, sir.

WouId you do something for me? Something very simpIe.

-Sir? -Max.

HardIy anybody ever caIIs me that anymore,

except my mother and the president, and I don't see much ofthem.

Just say to me, ''Good night, Max.''

Good night...

AII right, aII right.AII right, Cash.

That's aII. You have things to do.

Good Iuck.

And weIcome to the brotherhood of command.

Thank you, sir.

Company C?

Company... Who's in charge here?

Ranking officer?

-Who's your ranking officer? -Got me.

Who's in charge? Your ranking officer.

-We just work here. -Who's your ranking officer?

Hey, back in Iine, buddy! We aII got our probIems.

-Yeah, wiII you move on? -Yeah, come on.

SoIdier, yours are just beginning! Now, what's your name?

-Sergeant Rizzo. -Rizzo, huh?

Now, where the heII is your ranking officer?

Hey, sweetheart, he's taIking about you!

-You taIking about me? -I've just about had it!

TeII him yourwhoIe name, stupid.

Lieutenant Christian. Lieutenant Jody Christian, seriaI number...

Can it!

and my first command to you is to shape these men up.

I want soIdiers at my back, not this cruddy coIIection of ragpickers.

AII Ieaves are canceIed, Lieutenant.

I want these men shaped up!

I'm going now.

Didn't you forget something?

-What did we forget? -Think. Think.

I think he wants a saIute.

Thank you.

VaIerno? What isthis stuff about VaIerno?

Captain, why don't we give them a chance to surrender?

One man.

We'II send him into the vlIIage with a flag oftruce.

Lieutenant, I fuIIy appreciate the richness of your experience.

and we are going to take VaIerno my way. By the book! Understand?

Yes, yourworship.

-What was that? -Nothing.

Captain Fausto Oppo at your service.

-Do you surrender? -What the heII do you mean, surrender?

Do not get excited, Captain. I was mereIy asking.

-We'd rather die than surrender! -ReaIIy?

Oh, ridicuIous!Ask me to surrender!

-WeII, wiII you surrender? -But of course!

You... Excuse me.

-You reaIIy surrender? -But of course.

But pIease, Captain, Iet us savorthis moment.

and the moment of surrender...

-Listen, we have a song for you. -Yes.

-No, wait... -We have been expecting you forweeks.

-Captain! Captain, pIease! -My chiIdren.

The eyes ofTexas are upon you

Captain!

AII the Iive Iong day

The eyes ofTexas are upon you

You cannot get away

Captain! Captain!

-Captain! -You don't Iike it?

No. No, the song is fine. Captain... Captain...

WeII, this is my vlIIage and these are my chiIdren.

MarveIous, just marveIous. Now, we...

-Yes, excuse me. We... -Excuse me.

We fuIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy appreciate the song.

But if you'IIjust round up your men, we'II move out. Avanti, everybody!

-No, no, no, out? Do you mean... -Yes, immediateIy.

-No, no, no, it's impossibIe. -What?

-He said it's impossibIe. -I know what he said, Christian.

-Then we agree. Why are we arguing? -Because you have...

Because you have aIready surrendered, you know.

-You don't want usto surrender? -Of course. Of course, I do.

-WeII, I surrender! -AII right, then move them out. Everybody!

-Captain, he's trying to teII us something. -Christian!

WiII you keep out ofthis?

Excuse me. Captain...

Captain Oppo, you...

Yes, very good. Now, we're making definite progress.

Now, if you have surrendered, it meansthat I...

-I am in command, huh? -But of course, we have agreed, Captain.

SpIendid. Now, if I am in charge, I command you, Captain Oppo,

Captain, it's impossibIe! First, there is the matter ofthe festivaI.

-The festivaI? -Yes, tonight.

There wiII be drinking, there wiII be singing,

there wiII be dancing in the streets.

I cannot with hoId from them such bIiss.

Therefore, we surrendertomorrow, okay? Tomorrow?

No, no, no, no, no, you have aIready surrendered now!

-WeII, then, move your men out!Avanti! -No, tomorrow, Captain!

-Tomorrow! What'sthe matter? -Damn it! Move your men out now!

-You are shouting! -TechnicaIIy, yes!

-Yes! -Yes!

Very... Very strange.

Look, Captain, we are at war!

-I don't understand him! -We are at war!

-The survivaI ofthe Ioudest? -Move your men out!

You are impossibIe, Captain!

-You are an impossibIe man! -Don't turn your back on me!

Captain. Captain, I didn't get your name.

-Captain Cash? -Yes?

Bravo!

Did you see that?

Did you see that IittIe gesture? Did you see that saIute?

What are they doing? What are they doing?

-What are you doing? -No festivaI, no surrender!

We do not move from here!

Mr. Christian! Move that man!

GentIemen! GentIemen!

Who are you?

I am Giuseppe Romano.

The mayor ofVaIerno.

MarveIous! PureIy marveIous! And what do you want?

What shouId I want?

What shouId I want but your happiness? Your happiness and peace.

You and Captain Oppo, you must not fight.

But now you are flghting and that is bad. Fighting settIes nothing.

We must flnd anotherway. The way of peace, yes?

-Yes. -Good, good.

-Let us vote. -What?

-No! -Captain Cash!

-No! -Captain Cash!

Yes?

-Bravo! -He did it again! He did it again!

-Mr. Christian. -Yes, sir?

Is he doing anything against the flag?

-No. No, sir. -Then, what does it mean?

Give me the exact, IiteraI transIation ofthat IittIe gesture.

-Want it by the book, sir? -By the book!

You're kidding! He said... Why, you...

Captain! Captain, what is wrong in a festivaI?

Look...

Mr. Mayor, do you mind? PIease. Mr. Mayor, do I Iook Iike an ogre?

I am in theArmy, and I take orders, Iike anybody eIse,

and that means that mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die!

-Who said that? Who said that? -But, Captain...

Captain, what isthe harm in a festivaI? I do not understand.

No! No! Nobody... Nobody understands!

I understand, Captain. Captain.

-I think it'stime we had a IittIe taIk. -I think it'stime we had a IittIe taIk.

Now, Captain, before I say a word, I want to say that...

Granted this is unmiIitary, granted it's ridicuIous, granted it's insane.

But now suppose, just suppose that you give them that festivaI.

Out ofthe question! Give them the festivaI? Mr. Christian, that's...

Listen. Listen. It wouId mean a guaranteed surrender.

Now, which is more important?

Aday's deIay in moving them out orfighting the war by the book?

You toId me yourseIf, it couId affect the entire outcome ofthe war.

-It certainIy couId. -AII right, then.

The hang-up is GeneraI BoIt. What about BoIt?

What about the deIay? What am I to do, send him a wire?

''HeIIo, Max, the weather's fine. Having a IittIe party.

-I'II handIe GeneraI BoIt. -How?

-Minow! -Yo!

Look, as soon as you've estabIished communications,

-''Have encountered minorresistance.'' -I Iike it!

You Iike it? You Iike it?

-You Iike it? -Oh, Captain.

just who the heII can you trust?

Then Iump it, Rizzo. Lump it! This is war! It's not a picnic!

CouId even be a trap! That's it! That's it!

One gigantic trap!

Strategy-wise, they figure to weaken us with the wine and the women.

Rememberthe Trojan horse? Rememberthe Trojan horse?

Do you reaIize how Iong...

Listen, Rizzo, your job is to guard those ItaIians.

Guard those ItaIians, and shadow Oppo's men.

-No fraternizing, no boozing. -But, Captain...

Listen, I'm gonna say it once more, and this is it!

-This is war. They are the enemy! -You're wrong! There's wine!

Just rememberthat!

Lieutenant Christian! Over here!

-Lieutenant Christian? AII secure? -Sir?

I'm going to move around the square now. See you anon, Lieutenant.

Anon, Captain.

Who did that? Who did that?

''I am going to move around the square now!''

Why don't you get him off our backs? There's a party going on!

-I Iike parties more than I Iike parades. -So do I.

Look, we'II see. I'II see what I can do, right?

-What the heII! -Why not?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Vino? -No, thanks.

-Yeah, why not? -AII right, damn it! Why not?

BeautifuI! BeautifuI!

What the heII are you doing?

-WeII, Captain, we were just... -I know what you were just!

Fraternizing with the enemy and drinking whiIe on duty!

The penaIty for either offense can onIy be one thing, and that is...

What the heII happened to my hat? Who took my...

Give me that!Are you...

-Rizzo! Rizzo!

Have you taken Ieave of your senses, man?

-Sir? -What about the Trojan horse?

Did you forget that? Did you forget the Trojan horse?

WeII, Iisten to me, Rizzo. Forthe Iast time, this is war!

Not a... Oh, no...

Oh, LioneI. Comrade in arms!

How are you?

-What do you want? -To saIute you.

-You're a disgrace to the uniform! -What? You insuIt a man who saIutes you?

A descendant of Pax Romana, the victorious Roman Iegions?

And you strike me as rathersad. Listen, why are you so serious?

Come on, why don't you have a drink?

Because whiIe your responsibiIities have terminated,

Back to your posts!

Back to your posts!

Back to your posts!

SoIdiers fraternizing with the enemy in time ofwar!

Do you know what that means? Back to your post!

Back to your post! Did you hearwhat I said?

Back to your post!

Listen, feIIa.

Trying to strike an officer in a time of war!

Do you know what that means? Back to your post!

-SoIdier, back to yourpost! -Yes, sir.

Look at you! You're so young, sweet and gentIe. What are you...

-Captain Cash. Captain Cash! -We'II vote Iater.

-Laterwe'II vote. -Sit down. Sit down and rest.

-I can't. I can't... -No, no, no, no, no.

Even a Caesar cannot go on fighting every day and every night.

Look, Mr. Mayor, I am neither a tyrant nor a martinet!

-I am... -Men's Iives are in his hands, Romano.

-I understand. -Do you reaIIy?

Are you perhaps SiciIian?

-No, why? Do I Iook SiciIian? -Not at aII.

-Have a drink. -Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm on duty.

Captain, reIax. I'II take care ofit. Sit down. You're in good hands here.

It is rumored that HannibaI crossing theAIps

was in a state of compIete and totaI drunk.

-Hey, baby, wait forme! -SoIdier!

SoIdier, come back here, soIdier! Come back to your post!

-SoIdier, you... -Look, Captain, Iisten.

-Listen, Captain. -What?

WeII, these peopIe are touchy that way.

Oh, we don't want to have snipers at our backs.

GentIemen! Gina, my daughter.

-Good evening, Captain Cash. -Yes?

How are you?

Oh, I am so happy to see you again, and...

-Are you reaIIy?

-Yes, of course. -My nerves are a IittIe on edge.

I have dynamite in a bottIe.

Get it.

It isn't that, it's just that my men are waiting...

Oh, pIease. ReIax.

-ReIax. ReIax. ReIax. -Your hands are very warm. Yes.

-Oh, Iook at... -Thank you.

Isn't he a handsome deviI?

-Oh, yes. -Here we are.

-You are beautifuI. -WeII, I don't know about beautifuI.

Oh, yes, pIease beIieve me. Oh, yes. For you.

-Oh, no, I reaIIy... -Oh, yes, you must...

-On me. -Oh, here, here.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

-I propose a toast. To Gina's beauty! -Oh, thank you.

Not to drink isto caII her ugIy!

-Oh, yes. Thank you. -SaIute. Thank you.

Hey, buddy, how about some wine?

-To the defeat oftheAxis Powers. -Defeat oftheAxis Powers.

-Isn't that treason? -That's not very dipIomatic.

Oh, sorry, to the defeat oftheAxis Powers.

-Is it wrong for me to drink? -Oh, no. Why?

Is it wrong for birdsto fly?

Drunk?

It is permissibIe for eagIes!

EagIes may fly drunk, and you, my brave captain, you are an eagIe!

Awinged vlctory!

-Gina, ancora. -Ah, yes.

No, no, no, this one.

WeII?

I don't Iike to waste good tabIe wine.

-Oh, God, my troops! -Oh, no! No, no! No, no, no, no!

-My troops... -ReIax.

Rest, you eagIe.

Gina!

Gina!

Gina! Gina!

Captain Oppo, happy New Year!

Thank you! Thank you! Did you...

-Have you seen Gina? -Gina?

Yes.An angeI!Atemptress! Asymphony!AvoIcano!

-Maybe she is in the hoteI! -No, no, no! I just came out ofthere.

-She's not in there. -Oh, no, no.

There! There!

-Where have I faiIed me? -You have done aII you can, Captain.

Have I reaIIy? Have I reaIIy?

-You have. Yes, you have. -Oh, no.

-Gina... -Yes?

Am I a fooI to care?

To GeneraI Dwight D. Eisenhower!

To Senor Fandango Guava!

-Who's he? -FIamenco dancer.

-Come on, Oppo, it's aII set up. -She is not my Gina!

Who's Gina?

ExactIy my question. Who's Gina?

Wait.

-Nice, huh? -Bravo, very nice.

To EIbert Hubbard ofEast Lackawanna.

To EIbert Hubbard ofEast WannaIacka.

No.

No. It's East Lackawanna.

Okay. WannaIacka.

That's right, WannaIacka.

-WannaIacka. -WannaIacka.

Picture. Picture.

Hey. HoId steady.

I'm hoIding it steady.

-Sorry, I... -It's aII right.

-Picture. -Nice. Easy, easy.

AII right, now Iook at your birdie.

I'm sorry.

Gina...

-Thank you. -Gina.

There's a tavern in a town

There are two taverns in a town, even!

And Iots ofbroads!

There's a tavern...

Yeah, weII, you gotta beat three oId Iadies!

Look who'staking candy away from the bambinos here!

We might have won this battIe, but we're Iosing the war of nerves.

Move over, baby. Move over. It takes one to beat one.

Ten-hut!

LioneI?

AII right, Iet's puII ourseIves... PuII ourseIvestogether.

Thank you, my dear. Let's Iook smart!

Let's conduct ourseIves in a miIitary manner.

After aII, cIeanIiness is next to SchofieId Barracks.

As you were. CIeanIiness is...

Yes!

CIeanIiness is next...

LioneI. No. What are you doing? Come here, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, my Iove.As you were, men.

Oh, LioneI.

-One more? -Yes, here.

LioneI! LioneI, you mustn't sIip.

So our IittIe cardboard soIdier is a mortaI, after aII!

I heard that, Sergeant Rizzo. You are treading on thin ice.

Treading on thin ice, so watch what you say, friend.

Come on, come on.

Come on, who's next?

I am, but aII I got are three baIIoons Ieft in scrip.

What's he saying?

He says you can bet any part of your uniform or your gear.

He says... He thinks... He Iikes yours. His is shabby. He Iikes ours better.

WeII, you teII him he's got a deaI, man.

CoIumn of fiIesto the Ieft to the right.

CoIumn to the right, march. Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

-That's no fairtickIing now, come on! -You're tickIish? WeII...

Oh! Gina, pIease.

-That's cIassified information. I can't... -Oh, come here, dear.

I teII no one.

You promise, Gina? You promise you won't teII anyone?

Cross my heart.

Yes. Oh, yes?

Promise you won't teII anybody.

-Because it's a big secret... -Oh, teII me.

TeII me, pIease.

You are a very warm peopIe. You know that?

-Yes? -Oh, you're so warm! I Iove this country.

-I bet my beIt and my fieId jacket. -Easy, baby, easy!

Quiet! I know what I'm doing!

-Atoast! -Atoast to what?

Peace in ourtime!

Do you think I'm a bad captain?

Don't be fooIish.

-I'm not bad. -No.

Firm.

But I'm not bad.

''Firm but fair Cash.''

That's what they used to caII me at O.C.S.

-Where? -O.C.S.

Otis, Couth and SIade. That's an advertising firm.

You are a Iong, Iong way from there.

I was an office boy.

-Is that a very good job? -Oh, yeah.

Tote that barge, bIock that ad. CIean out that basket.

I was what they caII a gofer.

-What is ''gofer''? -Gofer?

I used to go for coffee, go for stamps, but I had discipIine.

Man needs discipIine. You can die from Iack of discipIine.

That's good.

-I feeI guiIty. -About me?

No.About my men.

GeneraI BoIt.

I'm Iike a son to dear oId Max.

Who is Max?

I don't know. That's what bothers me.

Lieutenant Christian!

Lieutenant Christian!

Lieutenant Christian!

-Lieutenant Christian! -SiIence!

-Lieutenant! -WII CorporaI Minow cut out the racket?

I just got the message. He's on his way here, right now!

Judas priest!

-What time is he due? -09:00.

Stay.

Don't move!

I'II be right down.

No, no, no, no!

Oppo! Oppo, wake up. Wake up.

-Who are you? -Never mind who I am. Just...

Are you awake?

Look, now Iisten. We've got a heII of a Iot oftroubIe here now.

No, no, Oppo. Oppo?

What isthe time?

We're in a heII of a Iot oftroubIe.

There's anAmerican inteIIigence officer named Pott who's going to be here

It's too Iate. The party's over now.

No, no, no, we didn't invite him to the party.

Why?

that we were having a IittIe battIe here at VaIerno, see?

But that's a Iie.

Yes, I know it's a Iie. But we had to Iie. We Iied foryou.

Yes, I remember. We are gratefuI. Very gratefuI.

Oh, good, now I wouId Iike you to do a IittIe something for me now.

-WouId you, pIease? -Yes.

At exactIy 09:15,

I wouId Iike you to take your men,

and march them right down to ourfieId headquarters under a white flag oftruce.

-FIag oftruce. -And forget about the festivaI.

-This neverhappened. Understand that? -Yeah. Yeah.

Now, Iook, we've been fighting. You've been resisting.

-Yes. Yes. -You can understand that?

Yes. Don't be a chiId. I'm a descendant ofMachiaveIIi.

No, no, it's my hat. I gotta have my hat.

Lieutenant Christian.

Stay here and watch for Pott.

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet! Listen, what the heII is going on here?

These dum-dums won our uniforms in a card game Iast night.

-We were aII smashed and... -Where's the captain?

-Digging Iatrines! FIying kites! -Rizzo!

How the heII am I supposed to know? Leave me aIone! I'm onIy a kid!

WeII, I have news from the front for you, my chiId!

-What? -Now! Oppo surrenders at 10:00.

We keep Pott company untiI he arrives, right?

-Right. -And in the meantime,

the costume baII is over!

Then go into town and shape up the troops. Capisce?

Si, si, I capisce.

Lieutenant!

Lieutenant Christian!

-Pott! He's here! -What?

AII right, Iisten! Pott is here. AhaIf a miIe down the road.

So hide, everybody, hide anywhere!

-Hide! Hide! -Hide! Hide!

-Where's Cash? -Upstairs with a broad!

Hide! Hide!

No, no, no, no!AII right now.

Put your hands down! Hide! Hide!

Ten-hut!

-Major! -Lieutenant Christian.At ease.

Good Lord, these men Iook Iike they've been through heII!

Yes, sir, that about sums it up. HeII, sir. Pure heII.

-What'sthe situation? -FIuid.

Sir, I don't Iike the composition. CouId I have you overthere with...

-CasuaIties? -FrightfuI, sir.

-Damn shame. -Yes, sir.

What about... Give yourmen at ease, Lieutenant.

At ease, men!At ease, pIease!

Look, he said, ''At ease.'' Can't you men fathom a simpIe order?

WeII, sir, they hate to Iet up even for an instant.

DuIIstheir keen fighting edge.

-No pictures, pIease! -No pictures?

-No. -What's your name?

Let's have that again, soIdier! You're mumbIing!

What is he...

It'sthe incessant gunfire. I'm afraid they don't heartoo weII.

AII right. FaII in!

-My God, it's Cash! -You may be right!

ShouId you be moving him Iike that? I mean, what ifhe's broken a...

Crazy stubborn fooI!

-Out of a death bed to Iead another attack! -Yes, they're Iike that. They're Iike that!

These academy boys are Iike that. Stuck up. Know what I mean?

Yeah. Come on.

Right in here, sir.

You guys are marveIous. You went through a Iot ofheII.

Here, move in cIoser, move in cIoser.

You, puII in. I want to get a picture ofthis. ''The heroes ofVaIerno.''

-Gina! Gina! -He's gone, sir. He's far gone!

SmeIIs Iike a distiIIery in here!

Yes, sir. We had to improvlse Iast night. We ran out of morphine.

Oh, good morning!

-Oh, Gina! -Who the heII is that?

-WeII, I am the daughter... -Ofthe IocaI surgeon, sir.

Apartisan. Lost four brothers fighting the Nazis.

-The nurse! -Nurse?

-Oh, LioneI! Oh, heIp me! -Yes, sir.

-Oh, my IittIe choo-choo. -Choo-choo!

Choo-choo, yes. Her IittIe choo-choo.

That's an idiomatic ItaIian coIIoquiaIism, meaning her ''poorwounded war hero.''

-WeII, this has gone far enough! -It has, sir?

-Right. Order an air strike! -An airstrike?

but we can certainIy give you air support, Lieutenant!

We'II IeveI this bIoody town!

-Looks Iike they've got you, Major. -Me? What do you mean, me?

WeII, you're obvlousIy the ranking officer.

and decided to take you prisoner.

-Listen, isn't there something...

You'd betterwatch it, Major. He Iooks Iike a mean one to me.

Down! Down!

Down! Down!

Just take it easy now, Major. They'II probabIy hoId you prisonerin town.

In town. Let's go, you!

Don't worry about a thing, Major. We'II try to take care ofit.

Hey, you, shut up your mouth!

Outside! Let's go!

-Sergeant, don't do anything fooIish. -Oh? Forinstance?

Hey, you, get into the jeep.

No, Lumpe, for heaven's sake, not now!

Come on!

Benedetto! Benedetto! Benedetto!

I've reached the bank!

Are you sure?

I've checked the map a hundred times.

We are directIy beneath the vauIt.

AII the Iive Iong day

You cannot get away

In compIiance with the codes ofwar, having exhausted aII avaiIabIe resources,

and in the face of overwheIming...

Excuse me.

...odds, we are compeIIed to surrender.

Lieutenant.

Hey, Lieutenant, hoId it! Let me get a good picture. Nice smiIe, that's it!

AII right, faII in!

LioneI!

Gina! Gina!

The surrender is off!

-Oh, come on, Oppo... -And you shut up, snake!

Now I know why you stay with me in the bathtub!

What'sthe matterwith you? No!

The eyes ofTexas are upon you

AII right, aII right, gentIemen, Iet's go rescue our gIorious Ieaderfrom the ducks!

-HeIIo. -HeIIo, Captain Cash.

Come on. Come on. Up, up! Here we go! Get a hoId ofhim. Take it easy.

Are you aII right? Are you aII right? Oh, easy now. Right, yes.

-What are you doing? Get out... -Come on.

-Where is Potty? -Who?

Potty! The majorfrom InteIIigence, that I wish to speak with immediateIy!

The catacombs!

Aman gets in there and he is Iost...

...Iost forever.An endIess, hopeIess maze!

-But there didn't used to be a hoIe there.

No.

Remember, keep your mouth shut! What I toId you was cosmic secret, right?

Lieutenant, reIax. I wouIdn't give Pott the time of day!

What have you done with the saIami?

What?

I ate it.

Oppo! Now, Iook, be reasonabIe. Now, we're in a heII of a Iot oftroubIe.

You steaI my Gina, I steaI you Potty!

-SteaI my what? -His Potty.

Yes, Potty. Major Potty.

And if I teII him the truth about what happened Iast night...

-Oppo, that's bIackmaiI! -It is bIackmaiI!

Then you go!

Take a squad of men and go find Major Pott!

Watch out, now! GIasses!

Sergeant Rizzo, pIease, don't do that!

Here are those recon photos from VaIerno, sir!

Let's have them.

HoIy cow! ''Minor resistance,'' heII,

they're fighting hand-to-hand in the streets!

What?

Wait a minute! Majorwhat? Majorwho?

Major Pott of G-2.

Pott came here during the festivaI?

-No. No, no,just reIax. ReIax. -During the festivaI? Oh, no!

-Come here, now. Lie down. -Come here. ReIax.

-Come on. There we go. -Yes, I have to Iie down.

Oh, Christian, what about Pott?

Don't pause Iike that. Now just keep taIking.

I get very nervous when you pause. Keep taIking.

WeII, first of aII, you feII down the stairs.

Check. I feII down the stairs.

-Dead drunk. -I feII down the stairs dead drunk?

Harriet! My cousin Harriet!

-Major Pott, you idiot! -No, no, no,just...

Oh, good! Good boy!

See, if you can't trust your own Iieutenant, who can you trust?

But then, when he toId me to orderthe air strike...

-Strike where? Strike where? Strike here? -No, no, it's aII right. I took care ofit.

-You took care ofit? -I took care ofit my way.

-Yourway? -I gave him to the ItaIians.

-Gave him to the... Who? -Major Pott.

You gave Pott to the ItaIians?

WeII, no, no, not reaIIy. ActuaIIy, it was NeedIeman and Rizzo.

Rizzo and NeedIeman gave Pott away?

WeII, they were dressed in ItaIian uniforms, see?

-When we went down... -In ItaIian uniforms?

-Yes. -How couId you... What's he saying?

Look, what I'm trying to say is that the ItaIians won their uniforms

-in a poker game the night before. -They won their uniforms in poker?

They won their uniforms in poker? What are you...

-ReIax. ReIax. -I am reIaxed!

You see, Pott thinksthat NeedIeman and Rizzo are Oppo's men.

Christian, what did you do with Pott?

-WeII, we put him in jaiI, and then... -You put...

I'm going... I'm going crazy! I'm going crazy! What...

Get out oftown, fiIthy imperiaIist!

John Wayne!

What's going on? What's wrong? What have I done?

-Oh, who the heII knows, Captain?

It's them! It's them! Look at them! It'sthem!

-What's with him? -What's not with me? Major Pott!

-Who said he's in jaiI? -Oh, you mean, he isn't?

-He escaped. -My whoIe Iife just passed in front of me.

I can't find him for beans.

Yeah, down in some tunneIs underthe town.

Catacombs orsomething. Oppo said that's a maze.

-Guys get Iost in there forweeks. -Oh, don't be an idiot. They die.

-HoId his head.Are you aII right, Captain?

I'm aII right.

I'm aII right. Yes.

I couId hardIy Iet Pott just go ahead and order an air strike,

and I wasn't about to teII him that we captured the ItaIians yesterday,

and we gave them a IittIe night off...

Captain, wouId you stop that?

-What? -That humming!

So! This is how you keep order in my viIIage, Captain Cash?

Riot and disorder! Leave town! Get out!

-Papa! -Get out!

My daughter! My daughter! You drunken swine!

How can you dare to debauch my innocent daughter?

Lieutenant Christian, you're sitting on my bed.

I just want to finish my expIanation.

Oh, good. I was hoping there might be more.

WeII, you see, the reason we had to get rid ofMajor Pott

was because pretty soon Oppo was going to surrender.

It was aII set up.

Oppo promised to keep his mouth shut, about the festivaI, I mean.

Then you feII offthe baIcony in your underwear.

On purpose?

Oh, come on, Captain, get with it, wiII you?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

-Did Oppo surrender? -No, no, he didn't surrender.

-Then he saw Gina practicaIIy nude. -Nude!

Oh, LioneI, I am so sorry, my IittIe choo-choo,

but I must go now.

Bye.

So, that's when we found out that Pott was missing.

-Then we had the fight. -Who?

-Everyone. -Oh, that's onIy fair.

-Then the recon pIane flew over. -And they were taking our pictures?

WiII we be in the papers?

Lieutenant!

Captain, message from GeneraI BoIt.

''Your gaIIantry has inspired us aII.

''ImpossibIe to send reinforcements. Keep fighting.

''Our hopes and prayers are with you.''

Boy, I gotta get out ofhere!

I can't spend the whoIe night in this pIace.

Now, Iisten, you got in here, you can get out.

There's got to be a way out. Just don't Iose your head.

Are you crazy? Let's surrender!

You'II get ustrapped because yourgirI threw you over.

SiIence! I am in command!

Okay. Christian.

Captain, I want to...

HoId it. He's hung up back here.

-Wait a minute. -Let him hang.

-AII right. -Are you okay?

I'm aII right, just reIax.

-I can stand on my own two... -Look out, there he goes again!

I'II take you up. Come on.

-Captain Oppo. -What do you want?

I think you and I shouId have a IittIe taIk.

-You don't have any Potty, eh? -Any what?

-Potty! Potty! -Major Pott.

We wiII find your Potty! And then you wiII surrenderto me!

No, Captain, we wiII find the major, and you wiII surrenderto me!

Oh, we shaII see.

I've had just about enough...

-What is going on? -Amessage from his generaI!

What is he saying? What is it? What is it? What is he saying?

It says, ''Yourcourage has inspired us. Keep fighting.''

Keep fighting? Keep flghting?

WeII, weII, weII, how does it feeI to be in the same boat, Captain Oppo?

-Captain Cash... -Yes.

He did it again!

-Listen here... -Now, wait a minute, gentIemen.

Listen, Captain Cash!

GentIemen! Now, wait a minute. Hey! Wait! Wait.

May I make a suggestion, Captain, pIease?

Go ahead, Lieutenant.

is going to be on yourrecord, every word on your record!

Thank you, Captain.

Now, gentIemen, it seemsthat we're faced with a Mexican stand-off.

No one can move untiI we find Pott.

Yes, in the meantime, there'II be more recon pIanes flying over.

More recon pIanes flying over.

And ifthose photographs show that we're not fighting,

we've had it, gentIemen, pureIy had it!

UntiI we find Major Pott and get this surrenderthing worked out,

we fake a battIe!

What is he saying?

What did he say? Did he say, fake a battIe?

-Yes, sir. -That's what I thought he said.

-Fake a battIe here? -Fake a battIe!

-WeII, what the heII eIse is there to do? -That's a good idea!

-Yeah! -We can do it!

-Fake a battIe! -Fake a battIe?

Get back! Get back!

-Captain? -What?

-Captain? -What?

Message from GeneraI BoIt.

Oh, Major BoIt. What does he want? What does he want?

He wantsto know how the battIe is coming.

Now, take him over...

-Let's get him over. -Here we go. Here we go, up!

It's just a question oftime. I'II get out ofhere.

What? You reaIIy think so? No, some Iike it in the pot, nine days oId.

Poor bastards!

Isn't there something we can do?

Ah, now, CharIie,just what the heII wouId you suggest?

Show me one soIdierwho isn't up to his G.I. taiI in shot and sheII,

and I'II send him back up there to reinforce C Company!

But we can give them airsupport, GeneraI.

Order Cash to puII his men out to the hiIIs, then IeveI the town.

According to C Company's Iatest communication,

they stand a betterchance trying to take that town than to retreat into the hiIIs.

Captain Cash says it'd be suicide to puII out.

So, ifthey don't puII out, we can't very weII IeveI the town, can we, CoIoneI?

They'II just have to wait untiI we take Messina, that's aII.

Back inside, you...

NeedIeman, die!

That was beautifuI, Robert! BeautifuI!

Lieutenant, Iook at that!

What do they think they're doing?

Hey, Iady, wait a minute. You're not supposed to be up here.

We're rehearsing.

When the pIane comes over, if you're up here hanging Iaundry...

Lieutenant!

Go teII that Iady to quit interfering with ourrehearsaI!

Right.

No! No! No!

No, no, no!

What no? You're dead!

No, this is supposed to resembIe a reaI battIe.

Then faII down!

You've just been shot at cIose range

by the greatest marksman in the ItaIian army!

No. When I open fire, no one is exempt!

Are you sure this time?

Trust me, beIoved!

Hey, that's pretty good, Minow.

NeedIeman! Minow! Get yourtaiIs down here!

Come on, come on. Crowd around here now.

Come on. Come on, now. Crowd around here!

Oppo, bring them up here, huh?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's aII very gratifying, gentIemen.

Get up here, Oppo.

Now transIate this for me. Maybe we can eIiminate some ofthese coffee breaks.

Okay.

Some ofthe temperament.

AII right, aII right. Now, Captain Cash is going to be here any minute.

We aII know what that means, right?

-Hey, Lieutenant! -Okay?

What do you want, BIair?

Aircraft coming this way, sir!

Damn! Okay.

Got no choice. This is it. Come on, pIaces! Come on.

AII right now, Oppo, no mistakes thistime.

One cup of coffee and I start using Iive ammo, got it?

Back inside, hookers!

No, no, inside, Iadies, pIease, huh? Back inside, Iadies! Inside!

Oppo, eh?

PIease, huh?

Hey, Lieutenant! Lieutenant! About two miIes and cIosing!

- Don't give me ideas!

One ofthose broads beat me out of six bucks.

-You haven't had six bucks in a year! -That's what you think.

Minow, NeedIeman, get out there!

Get back to yourpIaces!

And give me back that six bucks.

-I don't know where it is. -Yeah? Go find it!

Fate has intervened in the form of VaIerno!

We mereIy Iand a divlsion, take the viIIage...

and we wouId outflank theAmericans and the EngIish!

Divert Panzer Group Mendenheim to VaIerno at once!

Three days. Three incredibIe days!

And what have we accompIished? I'II teII you.

We have mispIaced Major Pott.

This idiot has made a movle, directed by CeciI B. Christian,

starring the Three KnuckIeheads, and that famous ItaIian hero, Kid Guts.

SaIt.

In the meantime, there's a war going on.

Not a documentary, but a war! A reaI, Iive war!

-They aIso serve... -Cut it! Just knock it off!

whiIe we're pIaying ''Button, button, who's got the button?''

WeII, gentIemen, I've had it! I have had it! Do you understand?

No more games! The ItaIians are movlng out! Today! Now!

What about Major Pott, sir?

-WeII, Captain Oppo? -WeII, Captain, we do not surrender.

Then we fight. How doesthat grab you, Oppo?

Fight, shoot, kiII!

WeII, make up your mind. Seconds are ticking...

Captain. Let's go.

-Come on, Captain. -It's aII right now. Up, up, upsy-daisy.

-You speak EngIish? -Of course.

-What do you want? -My men, why are they prisoners?

I might ask you the very same question.

We found them consorting with the enemy.

Take your pIace with the rest ofthe prisoners.

I didn't get your name, CoIoneI.

-CoIoneI Kastorp. -Oh, CoIoneI Kastorp.

-CoIoneI Kastorp? -Yeah?

Hey, Oppo, Oppo!

No.

March them out!

DarIing, I'm home.

That's right! That's right!

And that's why we are here, Oppo, because of you!

You and yourbIoody soccerbaII! You and your bIoody festivaI!

KindIy pIease do not shout.

Oppo, kindIy do not Iive, because you, you are my aIbatross.

You are my miIIstone, and you, you are my flaming white eIephant!

-Rizzo! Oh, you! -PeopIe are watching.

OIIy, OIIy, oxen free!

One-sided run Ieg-off!.

Up the rebeIs! Down the chimney!

Down, down, down, derry down, derry down!

Yes, yes. What? What? What's this?

What ho! My Iucky heImet!

The boy stood on the burning deck.

His fleece was white as snow,

and everywhere that Barry went, the ship was sure to go.

Garbo speaks!

Take two and hit to the right!

Stroke! Stroke, you deviIs! Stroke!

Din... Gunga Din, bring water, you beggar!

I do not surrender because you took my Gina!

You did not surrender because you are a frink!

-Afrink? -Yeah, a fraud, a fink, a frink!

That's right, don't argue with me! I am sick!

What...

-Major Pott! -Tippy Canoe and TyIer, too!

Major Pott, are you aII...

If nominated, I wiII not run! If eIected, I... Back! Back!

Where cheetah? Where appIe pan dowdy?

Send me your poor, yourtired, your homeIy.

Send me your... Back! Back! Back!

EIephantiasis!

Captain?

Captain Cash?

Captain Cash?

-What isthis pIace, Oppo? -It's part ofthe catacombs.

This must be the gIadiator's room.

Captain Cash.

-Thank heaven. -What happened?

He's out ofhis mind! He went screaming down the tunneI here! Screaming!

-What is it, Oppo? Where does it go? -Back to the center ofthe viIIage.

-Yes, we'II gather at the river

Lieutenant, we have to get word back to the generaI.

You and I are taking off.

After dark, I want you to start sIipping the men out.

WeII, sir, what happens when there's onIy five ofus Ieft?

-SIip out aII the traffic wiII bear. -Right.

Crisis-wise, the important thing is to get word back to the generaI.

AII right.

We wiII use this as our headquarters. Officers quartered upstairs.

We have the flnest accommodations.

I wiII have dinner at preciseIy 8:00. Send up a bottIe of yourfinest wine.

Send her up, too.

We must kidnap CoIoneI Kastorp!

He isthe same notorious coIoneI who Ied the attack on Leningrad.

The party wiII reward us!

We'II go to Russia! We'II be heroes!

He has ordered a bottIe of wine.

We'II drug the wine.

Oh, wait a minute.

HeIp me get it on.

Oppo, now Iisten to me.

I want you to take me to the edge oftown and doubIe back to get the men.

They'd neverfind theirway aIone. Okay? Come, Iet's go.

Come on, come on, quickIy!

You come with me!

So what? ReIax, reIax. Be naturaI.And smiIe.

SmiIe.

Not Iike a man, Iike a girI, eh?

-Here he comes. Here he comes. -Embrace me. Embrace me.

Rizzo, NeedIeman, Minow, Lumpe! In the hoIe! Come on!

AII right, Iook. The Germans got Cash.

-You're kidding. -Yeah.

Lumpe, you take charge here.

Get out as many men as you possibIy can without being too damn obvlous.

-Right. -I'II send Oppo back as guide.

Come on, Oppo. Let's go.

CoIoneI?

-Oh, LioneI! -It's me, it's me.

What happened?

I don't know. I think he's dead.

Oh, LioneI, you must do something. They are going to shoot aII the prisoners.

They what?

Tomorrow, at dawn, aII ofthe men in the stadium.

-By his orders! -Why that...

-Gina, Iisten. -Yes.

And Iisten very carefuIIy.

I want you to sit by the manhoIe cover and wait forChristian.

He shouId be coming up any minute now. Warn him about the execution.

TeII him I'm trying to make it back to GeneraI BoIt.

Send someone eIse if I don't make it. Now, do you understand?

WeII?

I'm anAmerican! I am not Kastorp! Let me go! I'm anAmerican!

Gina!

-No, no, no, in EngIish. -Yes, in EngIish.

Cash, he has escaped. He is going to theAmerican generaI.

But the Germans are going to kiII you aII, aII ofthe prisoners!

It's himseIf.

Oh, LioneI. Oh, LioneI!

-Cash? -Come on, wake up, baby!

Hey! Hey! It's our guys. It's aII right.

-How many more can Lumpe get out? -I think we're about it.

One ofthe guards got nosey and he started taking a count of aII the prisoners.

-Why? -What for?

Hey, you guys, give me a hand.

-Keep it quiet up there! -Get them up! Move them out!

Let's go!

What the heII's going on here? They're our guys.

No, they're not. They're Germans in our uniforms.

Okay, you three, down in the hoIe! Come on.

AII right, now, everybody go out, get one German each,

bring him back here before dawn. Go! Go!

Come on, move.

LioneI, now I go to the hoteI, and I'II get you some othercIothes.

But ifthey've discovered the coIoneI, it'II be too dangerous.

If you want to get word to your generaI, it's a risk that must be taken!

-Gina, I refuse to Iet you... No! -Just don't argue with me, LioneI.

Oh, LioneI.

-LioneI. -Come on, come on.

-Are you weII? -Up, just come up.

Been dead about an hour.

Take hostages.

He Iooks just Iike CoIoneI Kastorp.

That's because he is CoIoneI Kastorp.

Then who wasthe CoIoneI... The man who was just here?

Where did he go?

The wine has done its work. He is stunned Iike an ox.

It has aIso made him very stiff.

He is as coId as ice.

''HaIf a Ieague, HaIf a Ieague onward

''Cannons to the right ofthem, Cannonsto the Ieft ofthem,

''VoIIeyed and thundered and Dundered and BIitzened''

AII right, straighten up that Iine.

''One, two, three, O'Leary Four, five...''

Major Pott!

Major Pott, it's me, Captain Cash. It's me!

-What is it? -Somebody's knocked off CoIoneI Kastorp.

-What? Who? -I don't know,

but they've brought in some ofthe viIIagers as hostages.

-Forwhat? Are they going to shoot them? -Yeah, probabIy. Easy.

Wait tiII the next eIection.

What are we doing?

CaIm, caIm.

Hey, Rizzo, what do we do ifthey spot us?

-TeII them he's an escaped prisoner. -Right.

Hey, Rizzo, Ijust thought of something. I don't speak any German. Do you?

-No. -SweII.

I'm invisibIe! I'm invisibIe! I'm not reaIIy here.

What are you doing?

Answer me!

Are you crazy?

-Take your heImet off.

-Get the rifles. -Yeah.

-Good Iuck, you guys. -Knock it off.

Get ready. It's aImost dawn.

Easy, easy.

-Anybody eIse up there, BIair? -No, I'm it.

Let's go. Grab a gun!

Thistime are you sure?

Ajackass couIdn't miss it! Am I dumberthan a jackass?

You're certainIy no smarter.

Fire! Fire!

WonderfuI, wonderfuI.

CongratuIations, Major Cash. Give me a Iight.

Major, sir?

That'sthe way the cannon roars, Cash, promotion-wise and career-wise.

WonderfuI. Now, Iet's get this show on the road.

But we can't just yet, sir.

What?

WeII, we can't. The ItaIian soIdiers won't Ieave, sir.

-Again? -The ItaIians won't Ieave, sir.

WeII, I've got a trigger-happy armored division out there

that saysthey damn weII better Ieave.

Sorry, sir, but they're aII hiding.

Louder, Cash. I couId swear Ijust heard you say they're hiding.

They won't Ieave untiI we give them a party.

Awhat?

Party, sir.

Cash, are you out of your mind?

What the heII do you mean, give them a party?

-We'II whoop it up for OId Nassau We'II whoop it up again

We'II whoop it up for OId Nassau

GeneraI, how are you, sir?

Yes, she'II flII you in, sir. Excuse me.

-WeII, buona sera, buona sera. -Oh, buona sera, you speak ItaIian.

Oh, weII...

Papa.

-Do you Iike ourwine? Oh, very nice. -Oh, yeah, very much, very much.

-Excuse me, sir. -WeII, for you and forme.

-You're a very pretty historian. You have marveIous eyes.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, no, they are brown.

Now, I think I'm entitIed to have my opinion on that, you know, rank...

Has its priviIeges. Isn't that right, Max?

I think ofbIue in connection with Aurora BoreaIis.

Oh, and who isAurora BoreaIis?

WeII,Aurora BoreaIis was

a bubbIe dancer I knew in Chicago.

Oh, yeah.

Repent, you fooIs, repent.

White man speak with forked tongue.

Back, back to the reservation.

You'II get no more rifles from Kincaid!

Captain Oppo!