Original subtitles

Oh, bollocks.

We've got a problem.

A cyber attack? Yes, Prime Minister.

Took me two bottles of wine

and half a packet of sleeping pills to finally nod off.

And you wake me because some fat-fingered hacker's pinched your PIN number?

Well, it's a little more serious than that, Prime Minister.

Hmm? The identities of every one

of our serving agents have been exposed.

What?

Who's doing this? We're not sure, ma'am.

So one week before I host my first G12 Summit,

Britain's entire security apparatus has been taken down

and you know absolutely nothing?

That does pretty much sums up the situation, ma'am, yes.

Well, you better get someone on it and find me some answers!

Yes, but that's the problem. We don't have any agents left.

They've all been outed.

So bring back an old one!

All units, this is Juliet Echo. Stand by for target coordinates.

Target acquired. Repeat, target acquired.

Now then, what have we here'?

Sorry, sir.

Never mind, Baggaley.

Your concealment and camouflage work is definitely improving.

Thank you, sir.

Come on.

You, too, lbadulla.

Excellent. That is a first-class man-trap.

Six house points. Yes!

Right, let's get back to school before matron

notices you're missing.

And don't worry, there aren't any more booby traps.

Apart from this one, of course.

Mr. English?

We haven't seen him, sir.

Huh.

And that's camouflage.

Hmm.

And go.

And go.

And go.

The welfare of your children is our paramount concern.

They're never exposed to any unnecessary risk,

I assure you.

I think that's an "F" for your bomb disposal coursework, Hattersley.

"You're looking particularly beautiful tonight."

You're looking particularly beautiful tonight.

Ching!'

Ching!

Have a good half-term, sir! Thank you.

Are you seriously telling me this is all we've got?

Most of them are either dead,

having hip operations or recovering from prostate surgery.

Okay.

Before your briefing, we'll need you to re-sign the Official Secrets Act.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Any of you gentlemen remember this?

Ooh, the Mont Blanc Blaster. Haven't seen one of those for years.

Take the cap off and, if memory serves, you've 20 seconds to replace it

or it detonates with the force of a stun grenade.

Thank you.

Teas on the left, gentlemen.

And coffees on the right.

Excellent.

Oh, damn it, I forgot my pills.

Here, have some of mine.

Scotch whisky, single malt?

Thank you very much.

Coffee. Oh.

Here, let me help you with that.

Tea?

Ooh, this one just needs a little top-up of hot water.

I'll be right back.

Man's a divot of the first order.

Someone should put him out of his misery.

Along with whoever furnished this room.

Oh!

Ah, good morning. Sorry to keep you.

Are the others here?

Um...

Oh.

They, um... They nodded off.

Right...

And who are you exactly?

English.

- Johnny English. - Well...

"English..."

You'll leave immediately.

My people will give you the full briefing en route.

Oh, is there anything you need?

Yes, nerve gas nasal spray, a type-four exoskeleton...

You should probably start a list.

And a garroting watch, with a rubber strap, not the steel bracelet

because the links get caught in the little hairs on my wrist.

Oh, and I'll also need a Bough.

What's a Bough?

Sir!

Wonderful to see you!

Yes, all right, Bough. We're going on a mission, not a honeymoon.

Yes, of course, sir.

Ah. I think it's the pin of your buckle, sir. It's caught on my jumper.

Yes, I can see what's wrong, Bough.

If you go to your left and I'll go to my right.

I'm sorry, no, if you go to your right and I'll go to my left.

No. If I go clockwise and you go anti-clockwise...

Er, no, I think that's making it worse, sir.

Hmm. I'm surprised that didn't work.

Good morning, sir. I have your agent activation pack here.

Department-issue smartphone.

580-megapixel camera, 4.7-inch retina HD display.

Hmm-hmm. Ingenious. And what does it shoot? Poison darts?

It doesn't shoot anything. It's a phone.

There's a Twitter handle, Instagram feed

and secure login for the department Uber account.

What's he on about, Bough?

I need a weapon. Not a box of gobbledygook.

I think, uh, what Agent English

is getting at, sir, is all this is highly trackable.

But since we're dealing with a very sophisticated, digital target,

we might be less visible if we took a more analog, low-tech approach.

Exactly.

I see.

Is there anything else I can get you?

A gun.

We don't really do guns anymore.

Just get him a gun.

Right, a gun.

Right. Haven't actually done one of these before.

"It is my obligation under section 14

"of the Health and Safety Directive to inform you

"that the equipment with which you are about to be issued

"can cause injury and bodily harm.

"Furthermore, any agents with nut allergies

"should be aware that traces of cashew oil..."

Thank you.

Right' transport.

So, take any hybrid you want.

I'll take this one.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, English. This car is a relic.

Drinks petrol, leaks oil and has no passive,

let alone active safety features.

Do you know what else it doesn't have, sir'?

Satellite navigation or a single computer chip.

Making it completely invisible to a digital enemy.

The equipment Agent English requested, sir.

Thank you.

Phone, Bough? Yeah.

That hi-tech villain of yours will never see us coming.

Let's see what they've given us.

Exoskeleton, exploding cotton buds, the old shoebox inflatable.

Hmm.

Ooh, what are these? Instant Release Super High Energy Pills.

Like sticking your fingers in an electric socket. Highly recommended.

Right, so, the red ones must be the Total Knockout Sleeping Pills.

Correct.

Hmm. Probably worth labeling these.

On.

Look, sir. Sweeties.

Ooh.

Hang on a minute.

I always did love a jelly baby.

I wouldn't if I was you, Bough. "Jelly" is short for gelignite.

One bite and it'll take the top of your head off

along with the roof of the car.

So, what does this do?

It's a mixtape, Bough.

- So, destination? - South of France, sir.

That cyber attack seems to have been launched

from the Wi-Fi signal of a hotel in Antibes.

Sir? Sir, I've just had a fax through from HQ.

Background checks on all the guests that accessed the Wi-Fi network.

You see'? Who needs email?

Um...

One name has raised a red flag, sir.

Sebastian Lynch, ex-Army and Military Intelligence.

Now selling his services to the highest bidder.

Where do we find him? Directly ahead, sir.

He's got an 8:00 reservation at the Cote de Roc restaurant.

The problem's going to be getting close enough for a full surveillance, sir.

Not necessarily.

Oh, darling, I've just gotta get this. Two seconds.

Simple plan, two parts. You provide the distraction, I'll get the phone.

Yes, sir. And from now on,

perhaps we should sound like French waiters.

French waiters?

Yees.

Go on.

Are you finished now, Sebastian?

Bread roll?

Yes, thank you.

Excellent choice, madame.

Good evening.

How are you?

Bread roll, sir'?

Yes. Thank you.

One second.

Excuse me, would you mind?

Oh, yes. Evening.

Evening.

Thank you.

Where's my phone?

That is your phone.

Ooh.

Thank you.

Monsieur.

The, uh, shell on my wife's lobster, could you remove it, please?

Yees.

Uh... Um...

Hmm.

Let me crack it for you.

Ow! Oh!

Ow!

Hello?

Steve, I'll have to call you back. Call you back.

Give me a sec. Hang on.

What is going on?

Sebastian, don't get involved.

Ah.

- What is he doing? - I don't know. He's a fool.

There we are.

Voila.

Hmm. Bon appétit.

I will talk to the manager. I will talk to the manager.

Textbook, Bough.

Just holiday snaps, sir.

Wait a minute, this photo.

It was taken the same day our villain accessed the Wi-Fi, and look.

Scarcely 50 feet from shore.

Whoever was on that yacht

could easily have used the hotel's Wi-Fi,

sent that signal and then just sailed away.

I think it's time we paid the Dot Calm a visit.

Algorithms.

We are surrounded by them.

Algorithms run our lives,

choose our TV shows, stream our music. Even find us a date.

I know this chap, don't I?

Yes, he's that Silicon Valley billionaire who dated a Kardashian.

Two Kardashians and a Black-Eyed Pea. Keep watching.

But supposing there was an algorithm for an entire country.

A single algorithm that could be applied to every one of its problems.

A single algorithm that could take a second-rate nation and make it

world class.

Every nation is awash with data.

So now, more than ever, we need to put that data to work for the people.

These few lines of code will deliver the kind of change

they have been dreaming of their entire lives.

I am Xander. I love data.

He's so clever.

He's young, he's sexy, he's insanely successful.

Just the qualities we need people to associate with me.

Yes, Prime Minister.

And they will do when he starts working with us.

But why would a Silicon Valley billionaire work with us?

Just get him into Number 10 and let me work on him.

Yes, ma'am. Go on.

Oh, God, now what?

There's been another attack, Prime Minister.

Oh! Air Traffic Control.

Someone's rerouted every flight in Europe to Luton.

For God's sake, tell me the agent you've got in the field

is making some progress?

So, how are we gonna find the location of that yacht, sir?

Very easily, Bough. We ring MI7.

Hello, hello? Yes, I need the location of a boat called...

Hello? Hello, yes. A boat called the Dot Calm.

Yes, it's a play on words. Yeah.

Where?

Looks about half a mile out, sir.

Do we wanna try and swim it or...

No, Bough. This is a job for the shoebox inflatable.

No, don't open it in the car, sir!

Can you reach your door handle?

No, sir.

I'll try my side.

Right, Bough, our aim is to get on board without anyone noticing.

And how are we gonna do it?

Magnetic boots. Brilliant, sir.

Simple mechanism.

Left switch activates left boot. Right switch activates right.

Okay, let's go.

Remember, the absolutely vital element of this mission is surprise.

Now, you have to get up pretty early in the morning

to outwit British Intelligence.

Quick!

Good evening, gentlemen.

Shall we start with your names?

Clearly you have no idea who you're dealing with.

That's why I'm starting with your names.

Actually, would you mind coming down here?

It's really hard to have a conversation like this.

I have a better idea.

It's no good, it won't move, sir.

We'll see about that

Low-intensity exploding cotton bud.

That's quite a powerful charge for such a small space, sir.

Oh, nonsense.

There will just be a slight pop.

Shall we locate the hold and look for the source of that signal?

I think we should locate the hold and look for the source of that signal!

Come on!

I'd say we have our villain, Bough!

You need to keep your voice down, sir.

And we're not going to lose him.

Hand me the sherbet fountain.

Three sucks and the location transmitter is activated.

This gin palace will show up as a hostile from 30,000 feet.

Hmm.

This is now an enemy target.

Aniseed balls.

If you'd wanted to kill me, you would have already done so.

Till we meet again.

Ow!

Well, that was sooner than I expected.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Who do you think she is, sir?

Well, if she's not the owner of that yacht,

then she knows who is.

Either way, she's the key to this case.

Is it true you were teaching, sir? Before all this blew up?

If by "teaching" you mean

scouting for potential intelligence operatives then yes, I was.

Hmm.

I actually got married, sir. I don't know if you heard.

No.

Hmm.

Yeah, Lydia.

Lovely girl.

You never think about getting hitched yourself, sir?

This is no life for a married man, Bough. The danger, the constant travel.

Here you go, sir.

More Lydia's life than mine, sir.

She's in the Navy, you see.

What, as a cook'?

Or some kind of seagoing secretary or...

Oh, no, sir. She's the captain of a nuclear submarine.

Oh, right. Hmm.

Do you think we should get some petrol for the Aston, sir?

No. An Aston Martin is surprisingly economical, Bough.

Besides, it looks like we're in business.

Come on.

Looks like an electric car, sir.

Yes, and sounds like a nose hair trimmer.

A bunch of triple-A batteries

is no match for old-fashioned British horsepower.

Look at her cornering. Seems so effortless, doesn't it, sir?

Arm the missile.

The what?

The missile, Bough, the one with the tear gas warhead.

But they're just cyclists, sir. We'll get past in a minute.

They're French cyclists, Bough,

and they're obstructing Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Wiper stalk is armed, sir.

Sorry.

Terribly sow. We do apologize.

Stop it, Bough, you'll only encourage them.

What are we gonna do now, sir? Patience, Bough.

Driving like that, her battery will be dead any moment.

And she'll roll to a humiliating stop.

Bough, it is your job to keep an eye on the fuel gauge.

Very impressive driving, Mr...

Golightly.

Basil Golightly.

And you're rather useful yourself, Miss...

Bhuletova. Ophelia Bhuletova.

Hmm.

And this is...

Colin.

I thought we were using fake names.

That is a fake name.

Oh, right.

Yes, this is Colin,

and I'm...

"Dasil."

Dasil.

Basil.

Well, Basil,

maybe there is a simpler way of doing this.

Over a drink perhaps?

Well, that would be lovely.

- Shall we say the bar at the Hotel de Paris in Cagnes-sur-Mer? -00?

Mmm. It's a date.

Well,

I think my "running out of fuel" ruse worked pretty well.

Mmm.

What?

Er, junior doctors. They've confirmed they are going on strike

and the tube drivers are coming out in support.

Oh, God. Leader of the Opposition, has he come round from his heart surgery?

Yes, Prime Minister.

Oh, Jesus Christ, when will something go right for me? What do you want?

They've hit us again, Prime Minister.

Huh? Hacked into the Central Traffic Control System.

Yes, they've turned every traffic light in London to red.

Where's my bloody drink?

You've got to be joking? Vodka tonic, no ice, no tonic.

Yes, ma'am. Oh, and Mr. Volta has arrived, ma'am.

Mr. Volta, welcome to Downing Street.

I have read so much about this wonderful building.

Is this the stone triple staircase designed by William Kent?

Um, yes, it probably is. I can't swear to it.

- Can we do a quick... - Needs Photoshop.

Oh! This way. Hmm.

I am horribly late, I do apologize.

It's the traffic, it's the one thing I don't love about London.

Yes, well, I must admit we are having a slight problem

with the lights at the moment. Nothing major.

If you wanted, I could take a look? It is kind of what I do.

I think it's actually a little bit more complex than...

Xander, get a web address for London's traffic control center.

Here is the login page, Jason. Do you have a password?

Um...

I won't tell if you won't. Right you are.

Bypassing security. Security bypassed.

Oh, that's terrific.

Someone is hacking you. Oh, I don't think so.

Denied service attack. Yeah, primitive but effective.

You know what we could try, rerouting all service requests

to our server farm in Nevada.

Um... I...

Rerouting, Jason.

Rerouting complete.

Crikey.

So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

You, Jason.

Get out.

I want to talk about you.

Excellent, Bough. Nearly there.

Nearly there.

This is actually a really nice hotel, Bough.

I'm turning to the right.

Shall one of us keep Miss Bhuletova busy while the other searches her room, sir?

Good idea, Bough. Alert me if you find anything.

Mr. Golightly.

Oh...

Indeed.

I thought perhaps you weren't coming. On the contrary.

Wild horses couldn't keep me away.

Madame? Monsieur?

Evening. What would you like?

I'm feeling a little homesick tonight. I'll have a Moscow Mule.

And I'll have a London...

Lemming, please.

I'm not sure, what...

It's, uh, gin, vodka,

armagnac,

sherry,

with just a little bit of Parmesan.

So, what brings you to the South of France, Miss...

Bhilli... Bholly...

Bhuletova.

Bhuletova.

I'm just visiting a friend of mine.

Hmm.

And would this friend be the owner of the Do! Calm?

Hmm.

Yes, he would.

And what about you,

Basil?

Oh, I'm just here on business.

Although, it's rapidly turning into pleasure.

Ooh! I love these.

They're really hot.

Are you all right?

Yes, fine.

Hmm.

Cheers.

I'm not sure I've ever met a man quite like you, Basil.

Let me clear up the uncertainty for you.

You haven't

I'm sorry, Basil. I have to get up really early tomorrow morning.

Oh, that' s a shame.

How did you get on, sir?

Oh, gosh, what a wonderful woman, Bough. Wonderful.

Right.

Charming. Intelligent.

Lovely sense of humor. And obviously entirely innocent.

Although, I broke into her room and she does have three passports, sir.

Romanian, Bulgarian, Russian. Different name in each.

So she's been married to three different people.

Not unusual in this day and age, Bough.

And I also found some garroting wire and two boxes of ammunition.

Well, single woman, traveling alone, you can't be too careful.

You don't think she might be a spy, sir?

A spy?

I think I know what a spy looks like, Bough.

Oh.

Oh!

Ah.

Sir?

Sir!

I just got off the phone to P in London.

He's found out who the owner of that yacht is.

Jason Volta.

The world's most powerful Internet billionaire, sir!

And he's in London, right now.

The Prime Minister is personally negotiating a trade deal with him.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Do you think we might slow down a little, sir?

What?

Never mind!

With what appears to be another cyber attack,

pressure is mounting on the Prime Minister.

Every train in England? Yes, sir.

They' re all trying to terminate at Bristol Temple Meade.

Morning, sir!

You see this, English? Yes!

Please.

Ooh!

Tell me you've got something I can take to the Prime Minister.

Would the name of the man responsible do, sir?

Excellent, English, yes.

It's Jason...

Volta, sir. Jason Volta.

What?

You're accusing the PM's knight in shining armor?

I'd need hard evidence.

Which...

is why Agent English is proposing

a penetration of Volta's country estate in Surrey.

Yes, yes, yes, yes...

Well, do what you have to do, English.

But for God's sake, be discreet about it.

Oh! Oh.

Good.

Oh. Oh.

"Virtual reality"?

That's right, sir.

P's built a computer model of the inside of Volta's mansion.

When you put on this headset, it will look and feel as if you are inside the house.

You'll be able to open and close doors, walk up and down staircases,

completely familiarize yourself with its layout.

This floor moves in any direction. So you can walk...

You can walk as far as you want in the virtual world

without ever actually leaving this room.

One thing though, sir.

The experience can be very disorientating.

It's completely immersive

and some people lose all track of their actual surroundings.

I think we can pretty much guarantee that's not gonna happen.

I'll just need you to sign the health and safety releases.

Would you excuse me while I find an iPad.

Oh, go with him, Bough. If we don't chivvy him along we'll be here all day.

Hmm.

Ah.

Watch out!

Door closing.

Going down.

Hey!

I'm sorry, sir, but you're going to have to leave.

Ow.

Ow.

So, we'll shortly be arriving at Admiralty House.

And, er, that actually used to be Oliver Cromwell's own house. Um...

Uh...

And then we'll be going to Horse Guards Parade.

Perhaps you'd like to sit down, sir?

Hey, whoa!

I've got them!

However, the agent we have on this mission is confident he's making major progress.

And, uh, yes, we have a potential suspect, he's been identified.

And further covert investigations are now ongoing.

Yes, quite.

So I expect to have more to announce on this front

shortly.

Oh.

Sir?

Mmm?

Is everything all right, sir? Yes, I've done it, Bough.

Child's play. Don't know what all the fuss was about.

Pleasure to see you again, Prime Minister.

It's a hologram. Apparently you just speak to it normally.

The pleasure's all mine.

Hate to rush you, but was there something in particular you needed?

Actually, I was just calling really to see

if you had had a chance to think things over.

I have.

But the thing is, Fiona, I just don't really do other people's security.

Not that I don't want to. But your infrastructure is old.

Plus the only way I could keep you secure in the meantime

would be by storing all your data on my own servers.

Obviously, that would be... Yes. Jason,

what I really want to do is announce this tie-up at the G12 meeting.

Do we have a deal?

Good luck, sir.

Hey.

Sir?

I said to get the chopper ready. Right there.

Sir. Right away, sir.

Thank you.

- Tyler, come in. - Copy.

Tyler, can you prepare the chopper now?

We?! have everything ready for you in a couple of minutes.

We can't keep meeting like this, Mr. Golightly.

Oh, yes.

Or do you want to end this charade and tell me your real name?

Go.

There's so much you don't understand about this world you've got caught up in.

Spare me the idiot act. You're British Secret Service.

Impressive work in France, by the way. When did you realize I was a spy, too?

Oh, pretty much straight away.

Hmm.

I've spent two years undercover. Simple operation until you showed up.

And I like to keep things simple.

"Simple" is my middle name.

It would seem you've got a choice to make.

Temporary suspension of hostilities? A short-term partnership?

Agreed. Hmm.

Hmm.

Politicians are even more gullible than venture capitalists.

That is correct.

Get me a copy of the target list.

We'll hit them once more just to be on the safe side.

Give me your phone. You don't have a phone?

A phone will give anyone your precise location.

And yet they're so useful for making phone calls.

Excellent. I'm not phoning anyone.

I'm gathering evidence.

The target fist, Jason. Four iconic central London landmarks.

Make your selection. Number three.

The London Eye.

This cyber attack could potentially impact 16,600 visitors.

I Found him snooping around upstairs.

And who are you exactly?

I'm not telling you anything.

Hmm.

Face recognition software launched.

Johnny English is a geography teacher from Lincolnshire.

Rather heavily armed for a lesson on European capitals, Mr. English.

Any thoughts, sweetheart?

He's British Intelligence.

And there you have it, two words that have

no right being in the same sentence together.

Do you really think I came here alone?

I have a team of crack operatives out there, right now,

just waiting to strike.

Uh-huh.

Sir!

What has happened to this country?

How is it possible that less than a century ago

the British Empire ruled a quarter of the globe

and now it's relying on someone

like you?

Hey! Stop!

Stop him?

Go.

- Close the gates. - Yes, sir.

Help! Stop!

Obstacle directly ahead, Mrs. Trattner.

Check your mirrors and bring the car to a stop.

Er, excuse me. Hey.

Thank you.

Drive!

Excuse me.

What... What do you think you're doing?

Excuse me! You are not a qualified instructor.

But what about my instructor? Turn left.

Oh.

Turn right.

For future reference, I'm on your left.

Please, stop. I can't do this anymore!

I can't see anything now!

Good.

When I say "go," turn sharp right.

Uh-huh.

Three, two, one.

Go!

And straighten up, straighten up, straighten up.

And go!

Let's go, let's go.

Oh, now just bear left a little. Good.

Straighten up, straighten up.

Good!

Well, that was very good, Mrs. Trattner.

I think you made some real progress today.

You're not hearing me, English.

Given the Prime Minister's new friendship with Volta, the situation has changed.

But the facts haven't, sir. That attack is Volta's responsibility.

According to you, but not according to anyone else.

Is he here yet?

Good afternoon, Prime Minister. So, this is, uh...

English, Prime Minister. Johnny English.

What exactly do you have to say for yourself?

Rather a lot, actually.

However, men like me don't deal in prevarication, Prime Minister,

so let me get straight to the point.

Jason Volta is the man behind these attacks.

And I have the evidence to prove it.

I managed to record this inside Volta's country lair.

But I should warn you, Prime Minister,

that what you're about to see is evil incarnate.

Hmm.

Here we are at Fifi's third birthday!

And it's a very exciting day!

Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Thank you.

Can I just ask, what is wrong with you?

The country is in a state of complete chaos.

The press is wetting itself,

and the only person capable of saving us

is the man you're accusing of high treason.

I was in the room myself when he gave the order, Prime Minister!

But there was a...

Do you know what I was in the room with, English?

Your file, which I've read, in its entirety,

and I have a few questions.

Did you or did you not burn

the Cote de Roc restaurant in Antibes to the ground?

Um...

And did you or did you not fire a guided missile

at a peloton of French cyclists?

Well...

Before commandeering an open-top bus

and tossing the tour guide off the top deck,

and then assaulting an 82-year-old grandmother in a sandwich shop

before battering the employee of said sandwich shop

with two organic sourdough baguettes?

Uh, I don't remember the...

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be me?

- Uh... - Hmm?

Do you have even the foggiest notion

of how virtually impossible it is to get anything done

in the face of events and facts and voters

and that tsunami of tosspots we call "the national press"?

Finally I get the chance to do something good for my country,

and what happens?

The universe sends me you.

Well, do you know what I say?

I say, up the universe's arse!

And do you know what else I say? You're fired.

With immediate effect. Now get out!

And make sure I never clap eyes on that imbecile ever again!

What are you doing, sir?

What do you think I'm doing, Bough? I'm going home.

But the Prime Minister is finalizing her deal with Volta.

She's taking him to the G12 Summit in Scotland as her special guest.

It's over, Bough. And there's absolutely nothing we can do about it.

But, sir, I have a plan.

Remember my wife?

Clear your baffles.

What? Mind your head, sir.

Ow!

This says we're sinking.

She's old and a little rusty, but she can put on a hell of a fireworks display.

Excellent work, Commander.

Jeremy has always spoken very highly of you, Agent English.

Who?

Oh.

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm no fan of the pen pushers myself, so

when orders came through stationing us here for the Summit,

well, I thought a lift was the least I could do.

Right, let's get a move on, Bough.

Oh, if you wouldn't mind keeping your mobiles off

until you're well clear, gentlemen.

The launch systems on the missiles are a bit 1980s.

Gets a tad twitchy around microwave radiation.

No problem there, Commander. We're doing this mission old-school.

This spot is perfect.

Come on.

Sorry, sir.

Come on, come on...

Right, Bough. Our mission here is simple.

Gain access to Volta's bedroom and take him out.

How are you going to get up there, though, sir?

A walk in the park for the exoskeleton.

Remotely operated neoprene bodysuit.

Increases the wearer's strength 100 times.

Right, power it up. Stick in the floppy disk and let's go.

Just...

Crikey, sir!

When will the weapon be ready?

As soon as the Prime Minister signs the agreement, tonight.

How do I fire it?

Press once and the attack is launched.

After which, the data of every G12 country

will be transferred to the servers onboard the Dot Calm.

Perfect.

Ah.

Cheers.

You're working for Russian Intelligence and you have been from the start.

Which is why I've taken an antidote to the poison you keep in your ring,

and which you've poured into this drink.

And removed the firing pin from that pistol.

Everyone has to make a life for themselves.

It's just sad that yours is

over.

Hmm.

Fresh from my 3D printer. Hundred percent plastic.

And 100% deadly.

Killing me won't save you.

Don't bet on it.

Seriously, this cannot be happening.

Oh, but it is.

Drop the gun.

Get your hands in the air.

And you.

There's no time for this, Johnny.

Oh, it isn't possible.

You cannot be working with this English idiot!

Save the pillow talk for your prison cell, Volta.

Are you inside, sir? Yes, yes, Bough, you can power down.

Everything is under control.

Shut down.

An historic venue for an historic meeting.

The delegates from each G12 member nation will have their own priorities...

How do we get in now, sir?

What's the plan?

Hey, you!

Hey!

Thank you very much. I hope you have everything you need.

Ow!

On behalf of the United Kingdom,

may I welcome you here today to this ancient meeting chamber

where the great Scottish clans

once settled their differences and forged new alliances.

A place I have specifically chosen

in order to make a very special announcement.

Sir?

- Are you all right, sir'? - No, I'm not all right. Get me up, Bough.

It's very heavy, sir. I know how heavy it is, Bough.

We've got to get to the conference...

To the conference room before Volta...

Before Volta triggers his weapon.

And so, with my signature on this agreement...

it gives me great pleasure, oh,

to welcome to you my guest, my friend, Jason Volta.

Standing by to launch attack, Jason.

Damn it, get me out of this stuff. Johnny?

- I can't see the join, sir. - It's the clasp.

Release the clasp and the top and the bottom separate.

Must have jammed when you fell over, sir.

For goodness sake. Wait. Try this.

That is quite a lot of oil, sir.

Oh, come on! Come on, come on...

Can you imagine what the world would look like if it was run by Apple?

Or Google? Or...

Me?

Do you think you'd have failing schools?

Do you think you'd have endless waiting in your hospitals?

No.

Think you'd have such long lines in your airports?

- No. - No.

No, because all of these are simple data management problems.

And people like me, we love data.

We live for data.

Ha! My...

Do you know what I live for, Volta?

God.

Eliminating the threat that lying villains like you pose to this country.

Oh, for God's sake.

Who is he?

Arrest this whack job.

The only person ordering an arrest around here will be me.

There's no cause for concern, ladies and gentlemen,

you are now in the capable hands of Her Majesty's Secret Service.

And you, my friend, are in for an uncomfortable ride.

Where was I?

Living for data.

Exactly.

My algorithms can solve every one of your problems as long as I have one thing.

Control.

And that is what you are about to give me now.

Jason, I wonder if you could just clarify...

Shut up.

Now, hold on.

Castle now locked down

and under your control, Jason.

The agreement this ignoramus just signed

didn't just give me access to all the UK's data.

It also gave me access to a junction box, in North Ayrshire

that connects the entire World Wide Web.

Disable the fiber-optic cables in that box and the Internet will cease to exist.

Johnny? Are you okay?

Have you got a phone? We need to call for backup.

There's no time for backup. I'm going after Volta.

And don't lose that one!

Do you understand what it means if I turn the Internet off?

Cities will go dark. Planes will fall out of the sky.

Trains will collide. Law and order will break down

and the world as you know it will be over.

Show, don't tell, right?

Initiating attack, Jason.

Taking control of junction box.

Suspending Internet and electricity supply across Britain and Europe.

Stage one of attack complete.

Ladies and gentlemen. I can stop the attack

as long as each of you signs the same agreement as the Prime Minister,

giving me complete control.

Your call.

Welcome to British Intelligence. Get me Pegasus!

For MI5, press one. For MI6, press two.

For MI7, press three.

Eight G12 signatures now acquired.

Signal the chopper, we're almost done here.

For accounts, press five.

For childcare services, press six. Oh, come on!

For more options, press seven.

What?

Only two further signatures required to achieve control of G12 nations' data.

All UK data

now successfully transferred to the Dot Calm.

For Aphrodite, press one. For Pegasus, press two.

Oh, my God.

Dive the submarine. Repeat, dive the submarine.

Director's office? This is Johnny English.

I need to speak to Pegasus immediately. It's a national emergency.

One moment, please, sir.

This is HMS Vengeance.

We have a full launch code. Repeat, launch code is locked.

Do I have your permission to fire?

Oh, my God. Could you hold on one moment, please?

Sir? Sir!

Hello?

Hello?

Sir! HMS Vengeance here. Do I have your permission to launch?

What? Listen, we have to call in an attack.

Did you say "attack," sir?

Yes, an attack. Attack.

General quarters, we are go for launch.

Target coordinates locked, Commander.

Hello?

Hello?

Commander, the missile is being redirected.

It seems to be locking on to a new hostile target.

What's a "Sherbet F"?

Oh, no. What was that'?

Dot Calm appears to be offline, Jason.

The cyber attack has been halted.

Did you

make a call quite close to the submarine, sir'?

Um...

Because...

You did it, sir!

Mission accomplished!

Well, exactly!

I am re-evaluating our options, Jason.

Johnny! Johnny!

Volta is getting away! He's heading for his helicopter!

No, Bough.

This one's mine.

Careful, sir. Sir?

Last two steps, sir.

Not so fast, Volta!

Is this supposed to scare me, Sir Lancelot?

Take cover, Bough.

Don't worry, he's only got six bullets in that thing.

And, of course, the thing itself.

You've run out of options, Volta.

Oh, you think you've won?

Mmm.

Rerouting the attack to our Nevada servers, Jason.

The world's going down, English. And I'll be the last man standing.

Goodbye, English! Goodbye, Internet.

I've got it. That's a Gazelle 341 light attack helicopter.

If we can hack into its operating system,

we can disable the drive function.

Here.

Look at you! You couldn't use that thing if your life depended on it!

Let's get outta here.

Get this steel bird in the...

Rerouting compiete. Attack data now installed at our Nevada servers.

Should I initiate?

Jason?

Should I initiate the new attack?

Initiate this!

Jason.

Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen.

I think we can all agree, that wasn't quite the evening we were expecting.

I had hoped to present to you tonight...

Thank you... a vision of what Britain might be.

But, as it happens, the man who saved us all this evening,

the man who, I might add, I personally assigned to this case,

has presented us with a different kind of vision.

A living embodiment, if you like, of those fundamental British qualities

that have ensured that our beloved island nation endures.

Courage under fire, endless ingenuity

and above all, a quiet

unassailable dignity.

Thank you.

All together.

Welcome back, Mr. English.

Thank you, Headmaster.

Thank you for agreeing to be our guest speaker.

Now the governors and staff are all waiting for us in the rose garden.

Yes, if you could just excuse me for a few minutes, Headmaster.

Oh.

Morning, sir! Hello, sir!

Welcome back, sir!

Surprise!

Thank you.

Where's Straker?

Here, sir. Good.

And, of course, Baggaley.

That was very good. Very good.

All right, gather round, everyone. Gather round.

I've got some toys to show you.

Ooh! There we go.

There we are. There we are.

- Breadstick blowpipe, anyone? - Me!

There you go.

Granny Smith hand grenade?

And what about a garroting watch? Here, sir.

There you go.

Ooh! Here, let me take that.

Don't worry, it's only a mild sedative.

Oh! That's just a five-second fuse.

Yes, all right, we all know what garroting looks like.

Whenever you're ready, Mr. English.

Oh, I'm sorry, Headmaster, I'll just be one moment.

Just take those. Thank you. Ooh.

Put those away, shall we? There we...

Um...

I always did love a jelly baby.