Original subtitles

I don't remember buying

these fresh peaches.

Aah!

Apologies, Serge.

My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten

that I'm holding office hours

for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.

So, when I walked to the laundry room

10 minutes ago in my bra...

That was kind of perfect, actually.

I had just made a point

about how buildings from the early '70s

were holding up surprisingly well.

So maybe I'll...

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right, see you in class, buddy.

What a great kid.

That's why I chucked it all for a life in academia, Claire.

It's a special feeling

knowing that there's a young man walking around out there

who you helped mold, who you can be proud of.

Hey, Dad. Hey. You know?

You're up early.

What are you talking about?

I hugged you from behind earlier.

You know, I said, "I don't remember buying this six pack."

Then you did that funny Eastern European accent...

"I don't want trouble.

I just want to learn."

Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

And aren't you at the minimum number of students

before they cancel your class? Not to worry.

Serge worships me, and the rest of the class is super solid.

Plus, it's the last day to drop classes anyway.

Oh, speaking of that,

I'm thinking about dropping history.

How come? It's not really exciting me.

Plus, we've got this huge paper due today

that I haven't quite finished starting.

It's on the Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine?

Oh, no.

Junior year history class,

I wrote the perfect paper.

Strong thesis, impeccable supporting arguments.

I quoted from the letters of a White House footman

who recalled Monroe calling to him from the bath,

"Beauregard, fetch me my breeches.

We have a doctrine!"

I got a "C."

Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh?

Don't patronize me.

Captions by VITAC...

♪♪

Mmm. The food at the club

has gotten so much lighter and healthier.

We had a run of angina attacks,

so we had to go heart-healthy.

We said goodbye to our social chairman, Herb,

and our butter fountain in the same weekend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Mr. Pritchett.

I'll take this when you're ready.

Thank you, Maria. Oh, Maria,

that's a beautiful name. That's why it's often sung.

But you're not going to...

♪ Ave Maria

And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here.

Don't make them regret it.

You might also wanna tell Sharona

to steer clear of the table. Yes.

Yeah, well, I should probably save my energy

for my performance tonight anyway.

Oh, darn. Gloria and I have tickets to, um...

Um...

Don't worry, Jay. It's... It's not for you.

Oh, good. I didn't know where I was going with that.

Tonight is a fundraiser at Lily's school.

We're, you know, raising money for the kids.

A night of song and sketch.

All the dads are performing. Well...

most of the dads.

Proud of you, son.

Ah, it's not a complete victory.

I still have to watch it, so...

Thanks for breakfast, Dad. Hey,

I love spending time with you two!

Every month I've gotta burn off a minimum at the club,

and literally, everybody else I knew was busy.

That's also why I give a lot of birthday presents

from the pro-shop. You know, mugs

and visors that say "Kiss My Putter,"

"Talk Birdie To Me."

Quality items. Everybody wins.

So, if you're not rushed,

you should treat yourself to our spa.

You know, get a couple of, uh...

a couple of standard treatments.

Oh, well, you're so generous.

Might I say you look very handsome

in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.

They also make it in "Queen's coral"... oh, no.

Did I spoil your birthday? Sounds like you might.

Oh.

What's so funny? Oh, it's just that

I've been e-mailing this mom at school.

We both volunteer together.

You... You e-mail? It's harmless. Listen.

"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing around the planetarium with you.

Your jokes were out of this world."

Hm, okay. So, if it's so harmless,

I'm sure Gloria knows about this flirty quipstress.

Don't make something out of this.

Oh, my God. Oh!

That's why he's wearing the shirt.

Because it makes your blue eyes pop.

I'm not letting you magpies dirty this up.

Oh, uh...

"Park by the swings

so I can help you carry stuff in."

"Park by the swings

so I can help you carry stuff in."

You're sullying this, and I'm leaving!

Okay, well, say "hi" to your girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend.

The only reason we're paired together

is because our kids are in the same reading group.

Oo-ooh!

Damn it!

I love when we "ooh."

We used to do that all the time, and then we stopped.

Why? I don't know.

Joe!

Why did I find your eye patch

in the garbage? I don't know.

Were you throwing away another parking ticket?

Okay, you have to put it on.

Why? My lazy eye is fixed.

Okay, I'm over here,

and it's only one more week.

And you look tough,

like a little warlord.

Oh, that's Liam's mom.

See you after school.

Okay, papi, but promise me

that you're going to wear the eye patch

the whole day. I will.

I can't believe you don't trust me.

Two days ago,

I caught you trying to copy

a $20 bill in the printer.

Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV

when I start making my own money.

Go to school.

If you guys are ready,

me and Julio will get started.

Oh, by any chance, did you guys meet down by the schoolyard?

♪ Me... No... No. Okay.

Ohh.

Oh, that's the spot.

Ohhh, yeah.

Oo-o-ooh!

Now I'm remembering why we haven't had

a couples massage since our honeymoon.

Aruba.

That's not where we went.

That's the noise he made.

Arrruuuubaaaa.

Cam, could you just...

just... shh.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Ohh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call it.

Mm? Mm-hmm. Nope.

What happened? Was he forward?

No, I just can't relax with you making these noises.

Well, I can't relax without making the noises.

Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio,

and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.

It's Aweema-weh.

Good luck to you both. Okay.

Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.

Hey, Mom. Everything all right?

Of course. I just felt like making a stop

by the hallowed halls of community college.

What's with the police tape?

Oh, some frat guys decided

to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.

Okay. Well, anyhoo,

since we're here,

before you drop that history class,

could you possibly turn in an old paper of mine?

I would love to get a second opinion on it.

Sure,

but you know you just did something weird

and I didn't ask a single follow-up question?

Yeah.

You owe me one of those.

How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?

It was easy.

Ish.

The old paper was on an old format,

but it was a simple matter

of stringing a couple of old machines together

to get what I needed.

All right.

Yes, I have been accused of having

a little problem with perfectionism...

♪ It's working

but I also have a little problem with injustice,

much as a certain U.S. President had a little problem

with European Imperialism. Yes!

Of course when a man does it, it becomes a doctrine.

And when a woman does it,

she's hysterical.

I hope you guys like counting 'crows.

Es-crows, that is.

It had become a familiar sound...

My 18 devoted students laughing as one.

Only something was different this time.

It sounded like 17.

Could it be that I had a wobbler in my midst?

Sure enough, Paige Stevens

was going through the course catalog.

If I lost her, I'd be below my minimum and lose the class.

For the sake of those 17 dreamers,

I had no choice but to unleash the Dunphy charm.

Paige Stevens. Present.

Oh, we already did that part, and you nailed it.

I read your essay last night.

Whom did you study privately with?

I'm sorry? Come, now, Paige.

Your insight, your grasp of the vernacular.

W-Was it Freemont?

Or perhaps one of the Europeans?

Scharfenbrugen?

- No. - Oh, of course not.

He lives as a recluse. He hasn't taken students in years.

I'm simply saying

that your raw instincts

may be the best thing to happen to real estate

since the allowing of split commissions in 1994.

Didn't you tell us it was...

Can we for one moment

have a break from the Serge show?!

Just promise me that in a few short years

when you become the next Fred Dunham,

that you'll come visit us?

Do you really think...

I don't think.

I know.

From there, it was a bit of flattery,

a dash of encouragement,

and Paige was turned.

So, if I could paraphrase

what our star pupil just pointed out,

sometimes it's just a matter

of finding the "dupe" in "duplex."

And there it was again,

that sweet music...

18 people laughing.

I'll see you all next week.

Definitely.

Oh, and I am holding office hours at my house,

so feel free to come by any time.

Oh, cool.

Oh, you...

Uh, Paige.

"Mrs. Paige Dunphy"?

Curses.

I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

Oh, hey.

Are we still on for dinner tonight?

Yeah, I can probably get us in

to the late seating at my grandpa's country club.

Can you hold off 'til 6:30?

Actually, I thought

maybe I could come over and cook for you.

Awesome.

Hey, there's my favorite class dad!

Oh, hey. Hey.

Tie my apron, will you?

My pleasure.

Uh, not my... Not my pleasure, of course.

That sounds weird,

and I'm not a weird man.

Mitch and Cam got in my head.

I'd had a perfectly innocent relationship with the fun mom,

but then they got me feeling all guilty.

Suddenly I couldn't mention one thing in that school

without it sounding like a double entendre.

Nap time?

Fun zone?

Juice box...

I got some nice tomatoes.

Oh, yep.

Did you spill something? Huh? No.

I'm just working hard on this pizza.

Guess I ought to take this off.

Boy, feels naked without it.

You ever feel that way? Naked?

I really wanted to trust that Joe was wearing his eye patch,

but after finding it in the garbage,

I had to make sure.

I didn't want him to mess up his vision.

I think it's a big problem in this country.

Everywhere I look, there are men with googily eyes.

Let's take a selfie

for the school newsletter, so...

Flash those baby blues.

Did you preheat my oven?

Not on purpose.

Well, that was quite a little snitfit back there.

Were you trying to embarrass me, or...?

Mm, is that even possible?

The singing in the restaurants,

your Herbal Essence audition during the massage?

You know, you're the one who should be embarrassed.

I am. Isn't that what we're fighting about?

Look at you. You can't even put on

your boxer-briefs in a men's locker room

without your little terrycloth shame skirt.

It's called modesty, Cam.

Can you please just keep your voice down?

Yeah, yeah. You know what? Well, it's all

part of the same thing.

You know, I'm not embarrassing.

You're the one that's just embarrassed by everything.

That is crazy...

Ow.

This seems worth it. I'm fine.

No, you're not, and it's affecting all of us.

You're constantly shushing Lily and me,

scolding us just for living out loud.

Can we please have this conversation later?

No, we can't, because I'll be busy

performing in Fathers' Follies...

Something else you're too self-conscious to do.

You're missing out on life, Mitchell.

You need to take off your shackles.

Let people see

who you are.

I've had enough... The wandering eye, the lies.

Why was I so nervous? I had done nothing wrong.

Sure, I engaged in some friendly e-mail banter.

I guess I realized blue shirts make my eyes sparkle.

Might have done a few push-ups in the parking lot

before the pizza party, but that's for everybody.

He's trying to make a fool of me.

Sonia, I have to go.

Where have you been all day?

I see what you're implying. Fine.

Her name is Laura, she means nothing to me,

and the only reason my wedding ring is off

is 'cause I was afraid I would lose it in her dough.

I'm sorry.

What the hell are you talking about?

Couple of e-mails. Harmless stuff.

"Park by the swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

These are what you're worrying about?

There's nothing there.

Yeah, Mitch and Cam were implying

there was something weird going on.

That's crazy.

She's, like, 35 and gorgeous.

Exactly.

Although, I don't think you read that e-mail

the on way it could have been read.

I mean, it could've gone,

"Park by the swings

so I can help you

carry stuff in."

Sounds like she knows about your bad back.

Jay, there's no harm in a little flirting,

- especially you. - What is that supposed to mean?

You're a good man. You have, like, a built-in alarm system.

It keeps you in the right path.

Then why did you shoot me that look at school?

It was meant for Joe.

I worry that he doesn't have your strong conscience.

I worry that he has my family genes

where we can lie and lie and lie and lie

without feeling one ounce of guilt.

Y-You don't lie to me, though, do you?

Never.

Here he is now. I'll bet he comes in here

and apologizes for lying.

Yeah, if he's like one from your family.

But if he walks in here all easy-breezy

pretending that he didn't do anything wrong,

he's 100% Ramirez,

or whatever our real name is.

Hey, buddy.

I'm sorry, okay?!

I lied about wearing my eye patch,

and that's only the beginning!

I lied about how my bike broke.

I never walk Stella.

I tie her to the treadmill.

The last three teeth I put under my pillow

were Tic-Tacs.

I'm a terrible boy.

Oh, good.

He's weak like you.

Thank you, Tiffany's dad!

And now, please put your hands together

for Lily, Harper, Zack, and Danielle's dads...

The Bees Knees!

Go, Dad! Woot, woot!

I was the only dad in the audience.

It was just me and a bunch of women and children.

I felt like a coward on a life boat.

I mean, Cam was right... I-I was missing out.

Hey, Bob. A quick favor to ask.

If you don't think Harper would mind,

do you think maybe I could wear the bee costume?

Take it. I'm in the show later anyways,

playing bass with the Grateful Dads. Oh.

Then good, yeah.

Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you!

Thank you. Thank you!

And now we'd like to take a moment

to remember our beloved lunch lady,

Mrs. Penny Miller.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe you did that!

That was amazing! Oh, stop it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! No!

Oh, God.

Did we learn nothing from the gloves?!

Sorry. No.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

For starters,

my grandmother's ravioli.

It looks amazing.

I've been saving some occasion wine in my room.

The grape character on the box is saying "Mamma Mia!"

so it should go well with Italian.

Hello, Professor.

I, uh...

I see you took me up on that open-door policy I mentioned.

Oh, I'm not here for office hours.

This is a date. Of course.

I've heard things like this happened to Paul McCartney

at the height of his Beatles fame.

It was a classic fatal-attraction situation.

I had to do two things.

One... get through the next 10 minutes

'til the deadline to drop my class had passed

by distracting her with light banter

and enjoying her Tuscan cooking, and, two...

Check to see if she had beaten and restrained Claire.

I'm not coming on too strongly,

am I, with this dress?

Oh. No.

Lovely.

I'm really nervous about my cooking.

If a guy doesn't eat every bite

of my grandma's ravioli,

I go nuts.

Well, we certainly...

don't want that to happen,

do we?

Now, uh...

where are you from?

Originally.

I would say Italy,

but there's no accent,

so, obviously, that's not the case.

Oh, Luke, Luke.

Luke, any word on my Monroe Doctrine paper?

Oh, actually, I decided

not to drop that class,

so it didn't feel right turning it in. Huh.

But something funny did happen.

I had your paper open on my computer.

Paige saw it and thought it was mine.

She made some really good changes.

Changes? Yeah, well,

she cut to the chase in a few places,

cleaned up the ending.

She's a history major, you know.

Get it. Mom, I'm...

kind of in the middle of a dinner date.

Are you? By now you might be

in the middle of a movie or a board game.

We all know how obsessed she is with changing things.

Go get the paper, Luke.

Oh, good, you're okay.

I'm not that okay.

I'm not a fan of this Paige.

She's got some nerve. So you're aware.

Oh, I'm aware. I'm aware that she has no problem

putting her grubby, little paws all over

something that doesn't belong to her.

I can see you're upset. I am.

I'm upset because I basically took

the most boring thing in history

and made it interesting.

She thinks she can just come in here and just make it hers.

No. Feels a little hurtful,

but she is my student, and I have a lot at stake here,

so can I please just handle this myself?

You didn't miss much with the ravioli.

The showstopper is my branzino.

It smells great.

We don't get to have fish around here.

My dad hates it.

Well, this one's a family recipe,

so if you don't like it,

I'll pretty much have to drop you.

Well...

let's not have

any of that

crazy... talk.

Two minutes to deadline.

I couldn't let her drop my class!

Now

back...

to where you're from.

Encino.

Oh.

Damn it.

Mom, don't be mad at her. She was just...

No, she made it better.

What was I thinking with this sentence?

"The esteemed barrister's argument was as layered

as the cuffs on his after-dinner breeches"?

That is the third time I mentioned breeches.

What was I going through?

Can I go now? Yeah.

Oh, wait, honey.

I like this girl for you.

She deserves better than boxed wine.

Haley keeps a nice bottle under her bed.

You really seemed to like that.

Oh, yeah. I could make another one,

but it would take a while.

Let's see. It's 7:00 now...

Oh, thank God.

Paige, we have to talk.

I-I may have sent some signals I didn't mean to send.

Nonetheless, some of your behavior

has been a little inappropriate, frankly,

kind of disrespectful to my wife.

Oh, wait, hang on. Hang on.

I changed my mind about that.

I am not mad at you.

All you did was take an interest in something

that I should have dropped 25 years ago.

Um, Claire. And can I say something else?

I'm all in favor of this relationship.

Claire? I don't want to jinx it,

but I think you could be

exactly what he needs.

I know, he may look like a man,

but, honestly, in a lot of ways,

he's still just a little boy.

Complete mess in the bedroom.

Although, here's a tip for you.

He actually does respond well if you stay on top of him.

So, you're okay with... Absolutely.

As a certain U.S. president once said,

"Let the era of good feelings commence."

Oh, my God! This is the best day ever!

Oh!

Huh.

Huh.

So, it turns out Paige was only making dinner for me

so she could get close to my dad.

I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn everyone

about the Dunphy charm.

It's also a little interesting

that Paige's Realtor dad abandoned the family

when she was 12. Seems irrelevant.

He also dabbled in magic.

Now we're just having two separate conversations.

Did you know her last three boyfriends were 50?

Maybe spend a little less time with your nose

in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Ah, ah, ah. You'll get this back

when your homework is done.

Joe, what is this?

Just some notes from my friend Hannah.

Friend? This doesn't sound to me like that.

This is very flirty.

Let me see that.

"Dear, Joe, want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

Well, this is just kids being kids.

Ay, don't be a fool.

"Dear Joe, wanna share

half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

That's a different spin on it.

Where's that voice been?

Try this one.

"It was so fun running at recess."

"Randy's rash is really gross."

Maybe we should go upstairs.

Watch your movie, Joe.