All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E15.720p.HDTV.X264-MRSK

Kids, the spring of 2008
was a pretty great time for me.

Stella and I
had started dating,

and I'd just gotten
a big raise at work,

so I decided
to purchase something

I knew it would be
the envy of all my friends.

A new car!

Ted, this is New York City,
you're never gonna drive it.

This is a really,
really stupid purchase,

and, and I'm sorry,
but none of us can support it.

Shotgun for eternity!

- You can't call shotgun for eternity.
- I just called it.

You can't just call things, Barney.

I call that I can call things!

Hey, baby.

Beer.

Are you okay?

Beer.

Okay, what happened?

They always told me that...

that working at a big law firm
was like being at war.

You get out of law school,
it's like getting out of boot camp.

That first day at work,
you're storming the beaches,

full of piss and vinegar...

- Dude, we're lawyers now.
- Totally.

We've got briefcases and everything.

Freakin' briefcases.

- You have anything in yours?
- Totally empty. You?

Candy bars.

Then you get in the trenches
side by side with your buddies

and you feel a sense of camaraderie.

But before too long...

Hey, Marshall.

...the shells start to fall.

Hello, Arthur.

Arthur Hobbes is one of the
senior partners at my firm, and

he's... he's my boss.

He seems like a nice guy,
but he's got a nickname...

Artillery Arthur.

How's your morning going?

It's going fine, how is yours?

Not too bad, not too bad.

Hey, is Ferguson in yet?

He is, he's in,
just in his office next door.

That's great.
Have a good one, buddy.

You, too.

You never know
who's gonna get hit...

Hey, Ferguson!

I read your report,
and it's complete crap!

No, you know what?
That's an insult to crap.

If crap could eat and then
crap stuff out, it's that!

Your report is the crap
that crap craps!

If you last two more days here,
I'll be shocked!

Shocked!

It was brutal,

but the worst was
a few minutes later.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, sorry.

Can you believe he did that on
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?

So that brings us to today.

Oh, no.

A little background.

So I'm working on
this report called

"Using 23-b-3 Spurious
Class Action Precedent to

"Contest a Class Certification Order

Based On A Lack of Commonality,
Numerosity..."

Dude, you lost us.

Can't you just call it something cool
like "the Ninja Report"?

Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever.

Um, so I'm supposed to turn in
"the Ninja Report" yesterday.

- Awesome.
- Cool.

But I got insanely busy
with other stuff,

I didn't get a chance to finish it,

and then this morning...

- Hey, Ferguson.
- Hey, Arthur.

- How's your day going?
- I gotta go.

- Great. How is yours?
- Great, great.

Hey, is Marshall in yet?

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, he's right in there.

Fantastic.
Have a good one, buddy.

And then...

He screamed at me.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

What, that's it?

You're upset because
a guy talked loudly near you?

Barney, I have never been
screamed at like that in my life.

Come on, when's the last time
you got screamed at at work?

I got screamed at
three times today.

Once in Korean.

This is corporate America, Marshall.

Screaming is a motivational tool,

like christmas bonuses
or sexual harassment.

It's just good business.

Oh, baby, it's just not fair.

You've been working so hard.

Late nights, weekends.

I never see you.

We've barely made love in weeks.

It's bad, guys.
Mama needs her sugar.

Look, Marshall,
he screamed at you, you took it.

He probably
respects you more for it.

Yeah, about that...

So Arthur's busy giving me
the full screaming treatment...

Face turning red,

vein in his forehead
about to burst,

spittle flying like shrapnel.

Everyone you work with
walking by your office, peering in.

And suddenly, I just
felt all of it.

All of what?

All of it.

The fact that I became a lawyer
to save the environment,

end now I'm working
for the bad guys instead.

The fact that
I am stuck in this job

because of a mortgage
I can barely afford

on an apartment
that is crooked.

The fact that I am a grown man,

and nobody,
not even Artillery Arthur,

has the right to
talk to me like that!

I begged my body not to do it.

But it was no use.

Oh, God,

I just... I just...

Just because you weren't
around for this,

I called shotgun
for all eternity in Ted's car.

Dude, I can't believe you cried
in front of your boss.

I don't know what happened.

There's just something about
being yelled at like that,

like I was being
scolded by my dad.

Suddenly...
suddenly I was a little boy.

Is "boy" the right word?

I felt absolutely powerless.

Flaccid. Hell, I...
I felt castrated.

God, you're hot right now.

And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning
I have to walk into Arthur's office

and give him the Ninja Report.

- Ooh. ooh.
- Ninjas are cool.

How the hell am I supposed
to face this guy again?

Here's what I would do
if I were you.

Hi, Arthur.

Hello, Marshall. Have you finally
finished the Ninja Report?

Yeah, I got it.

Right here.

I think it's gonna blow you away.

Please, I have a family.

So we good?

We're so good.

Then why are you still
in my office?

Okay, gun violence might be the answer
to everything up in Canada, Robin,

but here in America,
we solve our problems with words.

Marshall, you go in
and you dazzle this guy

with a big eloquent speech
defending human dignity.

Like Abraham Lincoln.

Yeah, because it's so easy
just to bust out

a big, eloquent speech
off the top of your head.

Observe.

- Arthur?
- What do you want, Marshall?

Justice, sir.

You see, we are all born
with certain incontrovertible rights,

the most fundamentally
paramount of which is the right...

Wait, you can't be
fundamentally paramount.

One means highest,
one means lowest.

You are nailing this.

Human beings have rights,

and those rights are, um...

You got me hooked, reel me in.

There are certain justices

that cannot or will not

be inalienable... as such...

for the future.

Stuck the landing...
Bravo!

Thank you.

Security's gonna rough you up
a bit on the way out.

Guys, guys,
this is not helping, okay?

I can't have some
big confrontation with Arthur.

I need this job,
I... I need the money.

Yeah, but how good would it feel
to walk in there tomorrow,

- tell him off and then quit?
- It's great to fantasize about,

but nobody ever actually does it.

Gary Blauman did it.

Guy I used to work with,
the guy's a legend now.

We were at the morning meeting

and old Blauman
was getting reamed out but good.

Pretty much routine
at the morning meeting,

but then, on this particular day,
something amazing happened.

You made yourself look bad,

you made this company look bad,
and quite frankly,

you made our friends,
the North Koreans, look bad!

And I'll tell you something else,
Blauman, if you think for one...

You know what, Bilson?

You can kiss my ass.

Oh, snap.

- What?
- You heard me.

I don't need to take
your crap anymore.

My cousin's website
went public today,

and I made a pile of money
on the IPO,

so you know what I think
of this whole damn company?

- Oh, my God.
- He peed on the conference table?

Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on...

Uh, look,
could you guys just...

look away for a second
till I get started?

Come on.

Does this help?

Eventually, he just gave up and left.

And then his cousin's website tanked.

And then he became a janitor
at an old folks' home

and moved into a one-room apartment
above a bowling alley.

That's it?
That's the end of the story?

No, no, of course not.
He died.

How does that help me?

How does any of this help me?

Can somebody,
for God's sakes,

please give me
one piece of useful advice?

Lily, control your woman.

The lesson of Blauman
is that when your boss

screams at you,
you never scream back.

That's why there's a little thing
in corporate America

I like to call
the Chain of Screaming.

- Chain of Screaming?
- Yes.

The Chain of Screaming
starts at the top.

Arthur's boss's boss
screams at Arthur's boss.

Arthur's boss screams at Arthur.

Arthur screams at you.

You go home and scream at Lily.

Lily screams at one of the kids
in her kindergarten class.

Then that kid
screams at her dad,

Arthur's boss's boss.

And the whole thing
starts all over again,

thus completing
the Circle of Screaming.

I thought it was
a Chain of Screaming.

It's a circle, Ted,
I called it a circle.

I don't scream at Lily.

And I don't scream at my kids,

none of whom have parents
who work at Marshall's firm.

So it's not a circle.

Fine. You want it to be
a Chain of Screaming,

it's a chain of screaming.

I came up with the circle idea
halfway through,

cause I thought it was
a more elegant metaphor,

but fine, ruin it!

You guys always undermine me

when I'm trying to make a point,
and I'm sick of it!

God, I'm surrounded by idiots!

Idiots!

See, doesn't everyone
feel better now?

Lily, I need your take on this.
What...

what should I do?

Well, what I teach
my kids in kindergarten...

Oh, God.

...is, when
dealing with a bully,

the most important thing is
to be constructive and positive.

- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Marshall.

I have the Ninja Report right here.

But Arthur, in the future, if you want
someone to do their best work,

try to motivate them,
not with fear and intimidation,

but through encouragement,
inspiration and respect.

Well said, Marshall,
I... I needed to hear that.

By the way, I saw your wife's
picture in your office.

That is one tasty slice.

Oh, you're damn right.

You know what I'm gonna do
when I get home?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...

That's it.

...just throw her on the bed...

That's where she belongs.

...and drive her home
like a pack of sled dogs!

It's bad, guys.

Mama needs it bad.

You're right, baby,
it's about respect.

That is the first useful thing
anyone's said to me tonight.

Can you give me
that speech again?

I'm gonna drive her home
like a pack of...

No, the other part, please.

I have the Ninja Report
right here, but...

And it seemed like
that was the end of it,

but it wasn't,
because the next night...

Which of these carpets would
look better in the new apartment?

I like the color
of this one, but...

this one's so soft. It would
feel great on your bare feet...

...or your bare back,
a bead of eager sweat

rolling down
your trembling bosom.

Lily, didn't we just go through
this with bathroom tiles?

Shh, don't say my name.

Lily can't know it's me.
Just pretend you're talking to Stella.

Be all lovey dovey.

Hey, Stella.

Sweetie, how's it going?

Not good, not good at all.

Where are you right now?

Right downstairs, come find me.

Without Lily.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Wow, you two are already
saying the "L" word, huh?

Apparently.

You hitting that?

- Oh, oh.
- I'm in trouble, Ted.

Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.

It's a new car,
so just be careful...

I did something stupid...
can we just drive somewhere?

I need to get away, just drive,
man. Please just drive.

It's just, this is
a really good parking spot.

Dude!

Look, just tell me
what happened first.

Remember how I said
I was gonna give that

big speech that Lily told me
to give, be firm but respectful?

Well, it didn't totally go that way.

There is a lot of ketchup
on that burger.

Sorry... what happened?

After we all finished
talking last night,

I went to the diner to finish
working on the Ninja Report.

Hey, Marshall.

How long have you been
sitting there?

If you go in there with
Lily's kindergarten nonsense,

you're gonna get torn apart.

I'm here to save your life.
You hungry?

- Yeah, I was just about to order.
- What do you want ?

A BLT and gravy fries.

Okay, friends,
what do you like?

A green tea with lemon for me,

and for my friend here,

- the meatloaf, please.
- Very good.

- No, I didn't want meatloaf.
- Marshall,

the Chain of Screaming
is a real thing.

Arthur screamed at you, now
you have to scream at someone else.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do,

or else that anger
is gonna eat you alive.

Who would I even scream at?

I don't know.

How about somebody
who's disappointed you?

Someone who's let you down.

Someone who's gonna
bring you meatloaf

when you explicitly ordered
a BLT and gravy fries.

No.

I was just heading to the bar.
What are you guys doing here ?

I was just telling Ted a story.

I like stories.

You want a lick?

What?

Is that ice cream cone big enough?

Uh, it's delicious enough.

Okay, so...
Then I say to barney...

I'm not gonna scream at
the waiter, Barney.

Yes, you are.

That waiter is every boss
and every bully

who ever embarrassed
or belittled you.

And how dare he deny you
the one thing that you want,

that would make you happy
at this moment.

A BLT and gravy fries.

One green tea with lemon,

one meatloaf.

Enjoy, my friends.

Marshall.

Excuse me?

Yes?

This is not what I ordered.

Yes, it is.

I beg your pardon, sir,

but I ordered a BLT
and gravy fries,

And as the customer,
I'm always right, so...

No, no, I am not going
to stand here and take this!

I am at the end of a triple shift,
that's 18 hours!

And then I have to take two trains
and a bus to Astoria

to have my wife scream at me
because I'm never home.

No, no, you eat
your damn meatloaf!

Hey, what are you guys
doing out here?

Oh sweet, can I get a toot?

Against car rules,
this is against car rules!

Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban.

People pay to have their car
smell like this.

Well, that's just not true.

Oh, Marshall,
switch seats with me.

- I called shotgun for all eternity.
- You can't call shotgun for eternity.

- Well, that's funny, cause I did!
- It's case by case.

Guys, I'm telling
a life-altering story here!

A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?

I don't know, Barney,
he worked a triple...

- it just...
- I can't believe... you know what ?

If you're not gonna yell
at the waiter,

Yell at me.

- What?
- Yell at me.

I'm not gonna yell at you,
Barney.

What, you think
you're gonna upset me?

Please, give me your best shot.

Okay, fine, what,
you want me to yell at you?

This is me
yelling at you, Barney.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of a butterfly

landing on a leaf
about three blocks away.

This is me
yelling at you, Barney!

Okay, you got some volume,
now give me some content.

Make it hurt.

You don't look as good in suits
as you think you do!

No, something that's true.
Come on.

The man made you cry.
Make me cry.

Your mom's a slut!

Yes.

Your mom's a slut,
and I'm sorry, Barney,

but you and your brother
clearly have different fathers,

And you know why? It's probably
because your mom is a slutty slut!

- Keep going.
- I don't care what you say.

Bob Barker is not your father!

Okay, now, well,
that's just not cool.

Oh my Bod, Barney,
I'm so sorry...

No, I'm kidding...
Keep going.

Bob Barker's not your father!

You've concocted this delusional idea
that a game show host

Is your real father,
and he's not!

You were abandoned, Barney!

You were abandoned,
and you never dealt with it,

and so now you never
allow yourself to feel anything,

and that's how you survive
in this corporate world,

and if I keep heading down this path,
I'm gonna turn into you!

And I don't want that!

I don't want any of this!

This is not why
I became a lawyer.

This is not the person
that I wanted to be.

I quit, Arthur!

I quit!

Well, thank you, Eriksen,
I needed to hear that.

Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack
you personally, it's just that I...

No, no, no, the part
where you said, "I quit."

Now we don't have to
pay you a severance package.

Uh, security's gonna rough you up
a bit on the way out.

Robin, you dropped
a little ice cream...

Dude!

I'm sorry.

Don't blame this on me,
Marshall.

I told you to yell
at someone beneath you.

The Circle of Screaming is...

The Chain of Scr...

Pyramid,
the Pyramid of Screaming!

The Pyramid of Screaming.

How am I supposed to tell Lily?

She supported me through
three years of law school,

and now is the time when
I'm supposed to pay her back.

Now we're gonna lose the apartment.

The place where we were
gonna raise our children.

How am I supposed to tell the person who
I love more than anything in this world

that I've just
thrown away our future?

Everybody out, everybody out of
the new car! Out of the new car!

Ted, screaming never solves anything.

And so Marshall finally had
to tell Lily what happened.

I'm so sorry.

I just lost it.

But I can fix it.

First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go
in there on my hands and knees and...

and beg for my job back.

No, you're not.

What?

Marshall, our future
isn't money or an apartment.

And it's definitely not you being
miserable at that horrible job.

I'm just happy
to have my husband back.

We'll figure the rest out.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Ultimately, they were able
to make ends meet

without going bust on
the apartment.

- You sure about this?
- Yeah.

Who needs a car
in New York City, right?

- Ted, I don't think I can accept...
- Marshall,

don't make me
scream at you.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

- You guys did it in the car, didn't...
- Oh yeah!