Original subtitles

Oh, right on time. What'll you have to drink?

- Tomato juice, please. - You're looking very well, Charlie.

You look younger now than when we first met.

- He's putting weight on. - Looks good on him.

I've removed a lot of weight lately.

While I remember, Charlie, there's those tickets for tomorrow's game.

Oh, thanks.

- What's special today? - Roast beef, sir.

Well, what about that? Shall we say three?

- I think so. - Charlie?

- Yeah, sure. - Another drink for you?

- Three roast beef. - Anything to begin with, sir?

- Charlie? - No, just the beef.

Artichoke. Are you having another drink before we go in?

Just a dry sherry. Thank you.

Well, that's an artichoke, half a lobster for me,

nothing for Mr Bubbles and three roast beefs. Medium rare for all.

A large dry sherry and another vodka and tonic for me.

Roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, vegetables?

Yes, and a green salad.

Under Section 73, all profits up to 60%

not declared as a dividend after the 40% corporation tax

are taxable as super tax unless the monies are shown to be committed.

Now, let me explain that more fully.

Before April the 6th, 1966, this was covered by Section 245,

under which the company did not have to declare a dividend,

which meant the profits could be left in the company,

and the shareholders are not burdened with the dividend.

But now under Section 73, we must eliminate the profits

by reinvesting company monies in enterprises for which the company was formed,

according to the company articles,

i.e., we must commit the company money in some kind of production.

You see, really it's a question of these monies being committed

on paper by the end of the year.

For instance, if there's a book that you're interested in buying

with a view to turning it into a film,

some of the profits are paid in escrow to the people concerned,

i.e., you could place so many thousand pounds with a writer's agent

as a sign of your interest and good faith and seriousness as far as the project goes.

Well, if that transfer of the monies is off the books and into the bank, fine.

That means that we're in business.

We must have a movement of the money off the books.

I've been thinking about the alimony I pay Lottie.

Do you think that it ought to be increased?

She receives a very generous allowance.

I know, but the sum was fixed a few years ago when I wasn't earning as much as I am now.

You did buy the house. Your son's well provided for in all eventualities.

It's entirely up to you.

We can discuss it any time you like. Just ring the office and fix a date.

After all, it's your money, Charlie.

How's that new stockbroker I found?

He's very good. As you know, I wasn't too happy about using him.

I preferred my own man. This one's excellent. Extremely capable.

At the moment, it's all short-term investments.

Long-term investments are too unpredictable at the moment.

That's good.

Now, there's an alternative to the scheme we've just discussed.

It's a question of living abroad.

Yes. Couldn't I send the money or the company out of the country?

I mean, must I go away with it?

Ah, well, you see, that's covered under Section 412,

which carries a penal clause to stop the

transferring abroad of shares by an individual in this country.

It carries fines of up to �10,000.

So it's really, therefore, a matter of your taking up residence abroad for a year.

Which means you'd have to leave by the end of March

and return not earlier than April the 10th the following year.

I see.

We had an interesting idea put up to us this morning about the last film.

You know that Charlie never wanted to write a screenplay of it

because he felt that the whole conception of it was too literary.

Yes.

Well, this seems to be a way of interpreting the novel filmically

and retaining the complexity of something written in the first person.

The idea is that instead of turning it into a feature film,

we might be interested in turning it into a series for television.

We certainly need some good stuff on television.

Financially, it could be very useful.

Well, there's no harm in making a pile of money.

And these people have been really creative in the past.

I've known people who've suffered from the common wart all their lives.

They've tried all ways to get rid of 'em.

They rub the affected part with castor oil, rusty water,

raw potatoes, juice of a dandelion, spit, head of a live match.

He could lease them for eighteen, and he'd still have his residuals, of course.

Which means, Charlie, that it might be possible to work out an arrangement

whereby the tapes could be leased on a one or two showing basis,

you still retaining ownership.

There's also a cure which consists of rubbing a wart with raw meat

and burying the meat in the garden,

based on the belief, presumably,

that the virus can be supernaturally transferred to alien flesh.

In fact, you'd show the tapes once to get your money back,

and then the residuals could be lease fees for any number of times reuse.

Sounds very sensible.

Wise hands enchasten here these warts,

which we to others from ourselves sell.

Charlie. How are ya? Nice to see ya.

Meet me solicitor. He suffers from persistent warts. Look at 'em.

Mr Bigwood, Charlie Bubbles. Charlie's a writer.

Yes, I know. And a very good writer too, if I may say so.

- I've read most of your books, Mr Bubbles. - Have you read any of mine?

Do you like this place? I suppose you come here a lot.

This is my second visit. I'm not what you'd call a regular customer.

A bit dull at these prices, don't you think?

I arrived tieless. They forced me to wear this filthy object.

Here, can you join us for a drink?

Or do you have to get back to your business associates?

I see they're really getting down to it, aren't they?

They're discussing my residuals.

Fancy.

- How's Maudie? - She's fine.

- She was in hospital two weeks ago. - What for?

She's still trying to have a baby.

She'll try anything until she gets one.

Maybe she should try another man.

Okay?

- Thank you very much, Mr Bubbles. - There's your tie. Thank you.

It's always a pleasure to see you gentlemen.

- Cheerio. - Cheers.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Now, then, watch the flipperwork, Charlie,

I know just the right amount to tilt.

Oh, that were too much.

Hold on. Something's gone wrong. Ah, that's it.

- You see Lottie at all? - I go and see Jack.

Come on. That's it.

Does she still live in Derbyshire?

Yeah.

Oh, we were very upset when you got divorced.

You shouldn't have done it, Charlie.

Lottie would've kept your feet on the ground.

Come on, look, we're playing very well.

Come on! What's wrong with you?

Has she got a boyfriend yet?

God, this game is ruining my manicure.

- I don't know. - Ah, she's sure to have.

She's too good-looking to be left alone for long.

That's it, you little ball.

Whatever made you do that, Charlie?

Nine to two.

You all right, Charlie? Are you all right? You enjoying yourself?

Nine to two.

You want a cigarette? You stick to your cigars.

I spend a fortune on cigarettes.

Wish they grew on bushes.

They're killing me. They're killing me.

Seven to one, Turn Right.

Ah, I went to group therapy classes last year

for people trying to give up smoking.

The classes were held in this room,

and all round the room were glass jars

with pickled lung cancers.

I didn't stop trembling for a week.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. George, I'm coming.

There's the horse that's gonna win today.

Same price. Four to one, number eight.

Maudie had to give me a cigarette in the end to calm me nerves.

Twenty to one, number 12,

running fourth off Kerb 21.

Of course, I always look after me money meself.

That is why I never have any, I suppose.

Still we manage. Somehow or other, we always make out.

I mean, I don't suppose I'd ever own a car like yours, Charlie.

But I can't drive anyway.

And they do say what you never have, you never miss.

I don't know how you drive in this traffic.

It'd send me up the walls. It's quicker on the Underground, you know?

Still, I don't suppose you use that much nowadays.

You're doing very well, Charlie.

Here. One more drink, and we'll be off, eh?

Come home with me, and we'll see Maudie.

She'll be delighted to see you. Very fond of you, you know.

Ah, you haven't changed too much, Charlie.

You still throw a good cue, huh?

You're all right, huh?

Don't get down in the mouth.

It's doing you good enjoying yourself for once

instead of beating up your typewriter all day.

Ah, you rascal.

Are you all right, Charlie? Are you enjoying yourself?

Are you all right, Charlie?

Come on. You're getting left behind. You've hardly touched that.

- I think I've had enough. - Oh, we haven't even started yet.

Come on. Drink it up.

Have one more, then we'll go.

Cheers.

I'll get this one.

Do you want anything to eat, like some crisps, bag o' nuts?

Just one little one.

Er, two large scotch, please.

Cheer up. It'll never happen.

It's a nice place, isn't it?

No fuss here. Don't get any of your agency accountants here.

Just look at these faces.

Well, you won't see those sitting upstairs in your little ivory tower

tapping your typewriter.

You get cut off from life that way.

I mean, what do you do all day?

I mean, even when I'm working,

I can't work from morning till night.

A couple of hours, that's all I can manage.

Hey, what do you do all day?

Let's go.

Ah, by God, Charlie,

we've supped some stuff tonight.

Sounds like he's back.

Well, you'd better get the front door open then, hadn't you?

- Good evening, sir. - Evening.

- How's things? - Everything's all right, sir.

Could we have some bread and cheese, please, Mrs Noseworthy?

Is the lift out of order?

Not far now.

Your phone's ringing.

Yeah, don't you worry about it. You just relax.

It's stuffy in here. Can we have a window open?

Certainly, sir.

- Can I have a beer? - Yes, sir.

- Hello? - Charlie, is that you?

- Oh, hello, Lottie. - I've been ringing you all day.

I'm sorry.

I should think you are sorry. Where have you been? Eh?

Well, I met Smokey. We went out together.

- Well, you're supposed to be here. - Well, you know what he's like.

I know what you're like, completely irresponsible.

Now I don't care about seeing you,

but you seem to forget that you've got a son.

- You hardly ever see him anyway. - Look, I'll drive up tonight.

He looks forward to your coming up here.

The least you could do is to keep your promise and let him know you're gonna be late.

- Is he very disappointed? - Of course he's disappointed.

He's been waiting for you all day.

I'll drive up right away. I'll be there in the morning.

Well, make sure you are. It's time you grew up and faced reality.

I understood he was going to be out tonight.

Then he comes walking in as large as life

and orders bread and cheese for himself and his friend

as if it was a caf�.

- Oh, Miss Hayhoe. - Oh, Mr Bubbles!

I was just taking a shower.

Mrs Bubbles phoned about an hour ago to find out where you were.

I told her you weren't back from lunch yet.

She said she'd ring you back later to see if you'd be going up there.

I just talked to her.

Oh, I thought I heard the phone ring.

I said we'd drive up tonight. Are you still coming with me?

Yes. I brought my case to work this morning. I've been waiting all afternoon.

I'm sorry. I got held up. Did you tell Mrs Noseworthy I'll be away for the weekend?

- No, I thought you did. - Will you tell her now? I can't face it.

And I've got a friend downstairs, and she's fixing up some bread and cheese.

If you want some yourself, you'd better tell her, okay?

Yes, Mr Bubbles.

I understood that he was going to be out tonight.

Well, everything got a bit mixed up.

- He's going away this evening. - How long for?

- It's just for the weekend. - Well, it's the first I've heard of it.

Well, he must've forgotten to tell you.

Well, I wish he'd try to remember in future.

This is no way to run a house. I ought to know what's going on.

I've got a beautiful leg of lamb for lunch tomorrow.

Look at that. Look. What am I going to do with that now?

- Well, that'll keep in the fridge, won't it? - It's not the point.

Oh, and can I have some cheese too, please?

Do you need any help, Mrs Noseworthy?

No, thank you. I can manage.

Oh, Mr Noseworthy, I am sorry it's such short notice,

but I forgot to tell you before.

Can you pack a weekend case for Mr Bubbles, please, and put it in the back seat?

Mine's in the hall too. He's going away this evening.

- Yes, miss. - And could you lay an extra place for me?

I'm having some cheese as well.

Very good, miss.

I do beg your pardon.

I'm looking for the maternity wing.

Sorry. Thought this was the boardroom.

Are you the district nurse?

Yes, Mr Pickles.

Oh, you know my name, do you?

I recognised you.

That's very gratifying.

No organisation at all.

Everything has to be done on the spur of the moment.

It's not a hotel.

He's just not used to staff.

Your bread and cheese is ready, Mr Bubbles.

I'm serving it now.

Where is Charlie?

He's in his workroom.

How much longer is he likely to be incommunica...

Not very much. We're going north soon.

- Oh, is he going up to see his ex-missus? - Yes.

Miss Hayhoe, the bread and cheese is ready.

Will you take Mr Pickles down to the dining room, please?

Hey, Charlie, listen. Let's pick up Maudie,

and we'll all go up North together and give Lottie a surprise.

Where are ya?

This house is full of people. Do you live in?

No, I just come in during the day.

I share an apartment with a girlfriend.

Charlie must be feeding more mouths than Mao Tse-tung.

Oh, I'm not really an employee. I've really been fortunate.

See, I'm a student.

Just before I came to England on my vacation,

I wrote to Mr Bubbles asking for a temporary job.

I really love his work. I want to be a writer myself one day.

Oh, is that so?

I'm really getting to know Mr Bubbles quite well.

And you just hang around the house all day getting to know Charlie?

Well, I do a bit of secretarial work for him.

- You answer his letters? - Some of them I answer.

- You answer his begging letters? - Yes.

- He never answers any of mine. - Oh.

Good even... oh.

I think it would be all right

for you to serve the cheese now, Mrs Noseworthy.

Looks good.

Thank you.

Very tasty, Mrs Noseworthy.

- I like your dress. - Oh, thank you.

- Is it genuine lace? - Yes, it is.

I wonder how many old ladies went blind making it.

Oh, it wasn't made under conditions like that.

I wouldn't even put it on.

I'm only teasing ya.

I hope this is all right, Mr Bubbles.

- Where the hell have you been, Charlie? - It was very short notice,

and I had been led to believe you weren't going to be here this evening.

Be all right, Mrs Noseworthy. We only wanted a snack.

I've also been informed that you won't be here for the weekend.

- No. - Well, I've got the meat in and everything.

Have you any idea at all when you'll be back?

I have my own arrangements to make

I wouldn't like to think that everything will have to be changed at the last minute.

I'll probably be back Sunday.

You'll probably be back Sunday.

I'll be back Sunday.

Hurry up, Charles. Cheese is getting cold.

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

Excuse me, sir. I've packed a suitcase for you, sir.

I didn't know whether you needed a dinner jacket or not,

so I put one in just in case.

Don't cringe every time I look at you.

I'm only interested in your body.

Is your shareholders' meeting over, Charlie?

- Will that be all, Mr Bubbles? - I think so.

Then I'll get back to preparing our supper.

No wonder nobody ever comes here. It's always so crowded.

Where did he get that old nose bag?

Is the cheese all right?

Beautiful. We are enjoying it, aren't we?

- This young lady wants to be a writer, Charlie. - I know.

How much do you pay this young lady that wants to be a writer, Charlie?

- Forty pound a month. - Forty? That's ten a week.

- �500 a year. That's not very much, Charlie. - Oh, I'd do it for nothing.

His wife used to do it for nothing. That's why she left him.

All right, now, come on. We've had enough of that.

Come on, Charlie. Better get going if we're going up North tonight.

You don't want to hang about here any longer, do you?

And the journey won't seem as long with us to keep you company.

And if you get sick of driving, Maudie can always take over the wheel for a while.

- Oh! - Come on!

Yeah, nice change to get out of London for a few days.

Tell Eliza to ring Maudie so she can get ready.

No, it'll only take her five minutes.

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Noseworthy.

Give my regards to the worthy Mrs Nose.

- It's been wonderful. - A pleasure, sir.

- Goodbye, Mr Noseworthy. - Goodbye, miss.

I wonder what sort of weekend it'll be? Dirty or lost.

Come on, you get in the back with me.

Would you put the lid on, driver? It's getting rather cold around here.

Come on. Cuddle up. So, you want to be a writer, do ya?

He isn't always like this. You should see him when he's sober.

I should see him when he's sober.

Whose clothes is he wearing?

His own. We had ourselves rigged out.

He's heavy, isn't he?

Yes.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Do you want anything, Charlie?

Some beer in the fridge, I think. Help yourself.

No, thanks, love. I don't want anything.

Were we going to stay at Lottie's house?

No, I booked rooms at the hotel.

What a nuisance. Won't have to pay for them, will you, Charlie?

No. Don't worry about it, Maudie. She means for us.

We were gonna book rooms for you from here.

Oh.

Lottie ever come up to London?

Not as far as I know.

I'd like to see her again.

Jack must be a young man now.

Yeah.

It was nice seeing you anyway. Hasn't lasted long enough, though.

- Why don't you come and see us more often? - I don't know.

Well, when you get back, come around for an evening.

Good night, Elizabeth. Nice meeting you.

Oh, thank you. I'm very pleased to have met you both.

- Good night, Charlie. Drive carefully. - Good night, Maudie.

I will. Take care.

Fill her up, please. The super.

And could you give the windscreen a wipe, please?

- When will we get there? - Oh, about four or five hours.

There won't be much traffic about at this time of night.

I don't really mind how long it takes.

I've just been looking forward to this trip so much.

I thought when you didn't come back this afternoon, maybe it had been cancelled.

- What are you gonna do when we get there? - Oh, I have lots to do.

My father's given me so many messages for friends and relations,

and there's so much that I want to see.

Is most of the family still over here?

Yeah. My father was the only one to leave.

Well, it's very exciting, but I don't really feel like a stranger.

I mean, I'm sure when I get there, I'm gonna feel right at home.

My father's told me so much about the friendliness of the people,

and we maintain regular family correspondence.

The letters go back over 19 years.

- They're fascinating to read. - Mm-hmm.

I want to use them one day.

I thought I might do a semi-documentary novel eventually,

using the letters, and my father's experiences, and my own visit to the country.

- I think that that could be quite interesting. - Hmm.

Things seem to have changed a lot since my father left.

The house that he lived in has been torn down, but the street's still there.

Ellis Street. Do you know it?

- I was brought up in that area. - You...

Is there any chocolate in the bar?

Yes.

Shall I break you some off?

Please.

Did I show you my piece? My mother sent it to me.

- No. What is it? - Well, I sent it to the local newspaper back home.

It's all about meeting you.

Did they pay you for it?

Yes.

They've been paying me since I was 11 years old.

Mind you, it's only a small newspaper,

but it's all experience, isn't it?

Yeah.

No. I don't think I'll continue with my contributions when I get home.

I think I should concentrate on my novel.

Semi-documentary?

Yeah. And the other one.

Er...

- Coffee? - It's down there.

Um, you don't mind me asking, do you, love,

but who was that fella you came in with?

No, you see, I know his face from somewhere.

I know his name. It's on the tip of me tongue.

Is he on the television? He is, isn't he?

Yes, he has been on television. It's Charlie Bubbles.

Oh, yeah, that's it. He's a writer.

See, I knew I knew him. You know how it is

when you see somebody's face you know, and you can't place it.

- Are you his missus? - Not exactly.

Oh, I see. Very nice. Are you going up North?

- Yes. - He's from the North, isn't he?

- Yes. - But he doesn't live there now.

Oh, no. We live in London.

- You're driving up North tonight? - Yes.

Any chance of a lift?

Oh, I'm sure you'd be welcome to a lift. There's plenty of room in the car.

My wife will be dead chuffed when she knows who's given me a lift.

She does a lot of reading, you know.

He looks a very nice fella. Ordinary, you know? Very nice.

Well, he's a wonderful person.

I thought I recognised you when you came in, but I wasn't certain.

So I asked the young lady. Very pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

I thought you might be hungry.

- Are you having any? - No.

- No. - Would you like one?

Well, thanks very much.

How nice to see you.

You're looking well.

What a beautiful dolly.

How's Lottie and your son?

Oh, I think Lottie's getting a bit...

I'm so glad he's got a secretary at last.

I told him he should a long time ago.

- How long are you in for? - For six more years.

- That's a long time. - It is that.

Do you travel everywhere with them?

So long as they take the child.

Miriam's just got back from Israel, Charlie.

- Oh? - She's full of it.

She wants to do a film out there.

You ought to do a film with Charlie, darling.

Mr Fettuccine has a beautiful yacht.

We've been on it for three months.

Why don't you come to Ronnie Wingate's with us, Charlie?

He'd love you as a houseguest. You haven't done any shooting before, have you?

You'd adore it. I do.

You know Mickey's been arrested.

- No. What for? - Drugs.

It's a tragedy.

The season's off to a delayed start this year because of the late spring.

Some of the birds are very small.

But when it does start, bags are actually expected to be bigger than last season.

Lord Wingate has a beautiful estate. I always enjoy staying with him.

The woman next door to us at home is a drug addict.

The drug squad raided her last week,

and they found two syringes, a long Turkish pipe

and 17 ounces of marijuana hidden in a Cornflakes packet in the kitchen cupboard.

- Oh, we're ready for off then? - I think we'd better make a move.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Take care of him. I know you will.

- Who was she? - Oh, just someone that I...

You've often had the pleasure of her, eh? Beg your pardon.

Well, this is very nice.

You do meet some people, don't you?

Was all this stuff in the car when you bought it, or did you have it put in?

- I had it put in. - I wouldn't mind something like this.

- Wish I'd got the knack of writing. - It's more than a knack.

- No, I mean the knack of making money. - Oh.

You haven't got a photograph of yourself, have you, Charlie,

I can give to me wife?

- No, no. I haven't got anything. - I've got one of your books.

You could write something in it. It's not exactly brand new.

Oh, no. That'll do.

I think she's read this one. Still, it doesn't matter.

As long as it's signed, it'll be worth having, as far as she's concerned.

Do you travel much, Charlie?

Quite a bit.

You know, if I had your money, I'd never be still.

I'd live in big hotels.

If I won �250,000 on the football pools,

I'd buy meself out of the Air Force and I'd divorce me wife.

With a big settlement, though,

so she wouldn't have to worry about her bread and butter.

And then I'd travel all around the world, watching sports.

What if you only won �10,000?

I don't know.

I mean, I've only budgeted for �250,000.

- Hey, is that a telephone? - Mm-hmm.

- What? - Nothing. Go back to sleep.

This is the way to travel, eh, Charlie?

I used to have a motorbike once.

- Have you got a pen, Mr Bubbles? - What for?

I thought you could sign his book while you're resting.

Um, to Margaret. I call her Mags for short.

You know, it's like a dream driving this car.

I can relate a story, but I can't get it down on paper.

I've got the brains, I suppose, but not the education.

Still, you've done very well out of it.

Thanks very much, Charlie. Thanks for the lift and the cigar.

- All the best. - Look at me!

Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?

- Me wife'd faint if she could meet you. - Well, er...

Oh, well, never mind, eh? Better luck next time.

Take care of yourself. Cheerio. Good luck.

Look at the view here!

What's that?

It's the gasworks.

- What's that? - The colliery, I think.

You think? Don't you know?

I've never been up here at this time of the morning.

Mr Bubbles?

So this is where your father was born.

Yeah.

I think it's a shame in a way to pull these lovely old places down.

They have so much... so much character.

Where do your parents live now, Mr Bubbles?

Oh, around here somewhere.

- I'll see 'em later. - I bet they'll be thrilled to see you, huh?

- Does anyone else know you're coming? - I don't think so.

A prophet is always without honour in his own country.

Were you expecting bonfires in the streets

and all the flags out: "Welcome back, Charlie"?

This is more like it! I knew they wouldn't let me down.

- Good morning, madam. - Good morning.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning, sir.

- Is that all the luggage, sir? - Yes.

Like to order anything? Any breakfast?

- I'd just like a pot of tea. - Anything for you, madam?

Oh, yes. I'd love some fresh orange juice, please.

- Orange juice. - And some kippers.

- Kippers. - And toast and marmalade and coffee.

Er, and some ice water too, please.

- Would you like your orders serving separately? - Serve them in my room.

Certainly, madam. This way, please.

If there's anything you require, sir, just ring.

Thank you. Oh, here...

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

- Morning, sir. - Good morning.

Hi.

Very nice to have you with us, sir.

Thank you.

Live most of the time in London since your success, sir?

Yeah.

I used to know your father very well before the war.

What a coincidence. Is he still deaf?

When he wants to be.

He was a character, all right.

We used to play cards a lot together

when we were unemployed during the depression years.

He won �80,000 off me one night.

And I joined the army for something better to do.

He stayed in civvy street. He was unemployed some years.

- Coffee, madam? - Oh, yes, please.

Black or white?

- White. - He's retired now.

Aye, he always said he was looking forward to making it official.

I'll bet he's proud of you.

We all are.

A nice cup of tea, sir?

- Thank you. - I followed your career with great interest.

I've not read all the books, but I've seen all the films they done of 'em.

Will you sign the bill, sir?

- Oh. - Haven't got me pen.

- I've got a pen. - Oh, thank you, madam.

You're welcome.

Do you just do your writing now, or are you still working?

No.

No, I...

I just do the writing.

Thank you very much, sir.

Remember me to your dad.

I've never seen a British football match.

What time will you be leaving here to go get your son?

Oh, there's plenty of time.

Lottie doesn't get up much before Sunday on a Saturday.

That's nice.

Then I guess you won't be expected over there right away, huh?

What?

Huh?

I don't know why I said I'd take that lad to a football match.

Well, does he like football?

He's mad about it.

It's a passion he's developed in the last two years.

Maybe his mother has a sporting boyfriend or something.

Does she have a boyfriend?

I never asked her.

Oh, Mr Bubbles, I was just writing you a note.

I wanna do some research at the city museum,

and it opens in about a half an hour.

So I'd better get along there right away.

And I'll be out of the hotel all day, so you don't have to worry about me, okay?

Lottie?

Lottie?

Lottie, are you there?

- What? - It's me.

Oh.

The back door was wide open.

Anybody could've walked in instead of me. You might've got a sex maniac.

Not with my luck.

It's Jack.

He usually leaves the back door open when he goes out to play.

Oh, I wish that cock would stop crowing.

- Where is Jack? - Lurking about somewhere.

Jack, your father's here!

- Hello. - Hello, Dad.

- Oh, God. - What's wrong?

I'm in agony. My shoulder's all knotted up.

Look at him in my best eyelashes. Get them off!

Get out!

That dog wants feeding.

It's going to be another busy day.

Oh!

Why don't you go into the parlour and write a book?

Oops!

Don't you worry about feeding your pets, Jack. You enjoy yourself playing football.

All right.

I'll get your breakfast when I finish this.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Want some more breakfast?

I'd love a bacon sandwich.

Come on. Outside. Out.

Come on. Out you go. Out you get.

Out.

I've never regretted buying these hens.

Their eggs are beautiful.

Much better than the ones those poor things in the factory farms lay.

- Are you coming to the match with us? - No, I'm too busy.

Did you bake this bread yourself?

Yeah. Rotten, isn't it?

Aren't you supposed to put yeast in it?

Well, I don't know what went wrong with it.

But all the ingredients are very pure, organically grown.

There are no chemicals whatsoever in that muck you're eating.

You've really settled down into country life, haven't you?

I'm cultivating a beautiful compost heap.

She made some jam.

- I bet that tastes good. - Yes, it does.

It tastes lovely, but I made a bit too much of it.

The day mustn't be long enough for you.

Oh, I wish I had a proper job.

It's not too late to start training for something.

What can I start training for at my age?

That's the trouble with marrying straight from school.

All I'm trained for is Charlie-minding.

If I knew then what I know now...

I probably deprived the world of a very good shorthand typist.

# When the saints go marching in

# Oh when the saints

# Go marching in

# Oh when the saints go marching in

# I want to be in that number

# When the saints go marching in #

Charlie?

- Oh, heard you were around. - Thought I'd say hello.

- It's not a bad match, eh? - Er, no. It's not bad, no.

Well, it's nice to see you again, Charlie.

You don't often come home these days. How are you?

All right.

- Is this Jack? - Yeah.

He's a big lad, isn't he?

I hardly recognised him.

You don't remember me at all, do ya?

Still, he was only a baby when I saw him last.

Time flies.

Would you object to having your photograph taken with him?

Yeah.

All right. No deal. You're public domain now, Charlie.

- Have you got time for a quickie? - Er, no.

We must get home.

How long will you be in town for?

Two or three days.

How's work?

It's okay. How's yours?

Not bad. Not as profitable as yours, of course,

but it's all right for me.

I keep getting offers to go and work in London, but I don't want to leave this place.

It's not a beauty spot exactly, but it's home.

And, well, I don't like it down South very much.

Seems to me you can get bogged down with a lot of false values living in London.

- Lottie lives up here now, doesn't she? - Yeah.

I tried to phone her once or twice, but she never seems to be home.

No?

Do you ever fancy coming back here to live?

Well...

I was sorry to hear about the divorce.

I always thought that you and Lottie were dead right for each other.

You should never have gone away.

I must say, you haven't changed much.

A bit fatter and a lot richer.

But you can still see the boy I was at school with.

Are you sure you haven't got time for that quickie?

No, I must find Jack and get him home.

The kids usually hang about around here for autographs.

- How long will you be in town for? - A few days.

I'm having a party tomorrow night. Would you like to come?

Me mother would love to see you again. She likes you.

I'll probably be gone by then.

He's not here, is he?

Kids get up to all sorts of tricks after a match here.

Happy in muck, eh? It's always alive with kids, this place.

There he is!

No luck?

I shouldn't worry about him, Charlie.

He's a big lad. He'll probably make his own way home.

I used to do the same thing meself when I was his age.

We got lost ourselves once. Don't you remember?

- No. - Don't worry, Charlie.

We'll take care of it, sir. Have you phoned the boy's mother?

- No, not yet. I didn't wanna worry her. - Oh.

What's the boy look like, sir?

Well, he's, er...

He's about that tall.

He's wearing a striped scarf

and the team's colours.

He's eight years old... nine years old.

Very good. Leave it to us, sir. He'll turn up.

Shh!

- What's he doing here? - He came home by train.

I thought he was lost.

No, he got fed up with hanging around for you, Charlie.

So he came home by train. He usually does.

- I've been searching for him. - There was no need for that.

- Dad, I'm watching this. - No need...

- Do you realise that I've been wandering... - Leave him alone, Charlie.

- He watches this every week. - Is tea ready yet, Mum?

- Do you want it now? - Yeah.

Do you realise that I went to the police about it?

There was no need for that. You're far too fussy.

I was very worried. I was imagining all kinds of things.

You can't go to the police every time a child goes out of your sight.

He was in my care, and the least he could do

is apologise to me for causing me so much trouble.

I've been running all over the place looking for him. I've been sick once.

He's all right. He's used to taking care of himself.

I can't wrap him up in cotton wool and put him in a safe.

You should take more care of him instead of letting him run wild.

- What do you mean, run wild? - He's got you on a piece of string.

"Is me tea ready yet, Mum?" "Do you want it now?" "Yes."

You're up like a shot at his beck and call. I used to get my own tea.

How does a perfect child like you grow up to be such a mess?

How dare you accuse me of neglecting him.

- I did nothing of the kind. - "Letting him run wild."

You've got a bloody cheek coming in here accusing me of letting him run wild!

We don't see you for months on end

unless we get down on our hands and knees and pray for you to come up.

When you do, the first thing you do is start criticising how I bring the child up.

- It's the first time I've said anything. - Yes, well, it's once too often.

God knows what he'd be like if he'd been living with you.

Well, you shouldn't be his doormat.

He's only gotta say "I want me tea," and you're off getting his tea.

He'll expect every woman to be at his feet

if you indulge him like this while he's still a child.

I suppose you'd show him a better way how to treat a woman.

Don't talk so daft, Lottie. You know what I'm getting at.

Yes, you're getting on my nerves.

He's got no competition. That's the trouble.

There's nothing wrong with him.

There must be, or else you wouldn't be defending him like this.

Bloody mothers. You can't say anything to 'em about their kids, 'cause they're up in arms.

The sooner you leave this bloody house, the better!

Mum, there's someone at the front door!

- Yes? - Mrs Bubbles?

- Yes? - Is Charlie here?

- Yes. - Will he let us see him for a minute?

- No. - It's only the local papers.

- He doesn't want to see anybody. - Look, could we just get a picture?

- There's a child, isn't there? - Yes.

- And how long is it since the divorce? - Two years.

- Any chance of a reconciliation? - No.

We heard a report that he'd been fighting Smokey Pickles.

They were very great friends at one time, weren't they?

- Yes. - Have they been fighting?

I don't know anything about that.

It's a nice district, this, isn't it?

Lovely. I used to do a lot of rambling around here when I was a kid.

- Oh, yes. - Beautiful in the summer.

Yes, it is very beautiful. Good night.

That was a reporter at the front door for you.

Don't growl at me.

- Good night. - Night, love.

- Where are you going? - To bed.

- What about your tea? - I don't want it.

You can have something later if you're awake.

If I feel hungry.

Be sure to let us know, won't ya?

I'll leave it in the kitchen for you, Jack.

What's this about you and Smokey fighting?

We've not been fighting.

- Is he still the same? - Yes.

I'd have divorced him years ago.

Well, I was gonna have a quiet evening watching television.

I'll leave you to it.

Sit down.

- Oh. - You look terrible.

- Mmm. - Have you been taking drugs?

No.

You've got dark yellow circles under your eyes, and bags.

You look like death.

You're not gonna drive back to town tonight, are you?

I don't think I could.

Well, you can stay here. Go to bed. I'll bring you some food up.

Well, go on. Go to bed.

But it won't be champagne and kippers for breakfast. Just fresh farm eggs.

And have a bath. You smell of sick.

And you can use the lavatory if you want to. It's free of charge.

There's a prowler looking through the window.

Could we have a cup of tea, love? It's very cold out here.

- Is that your lad? How old is he? - Thirty-five.

Mrs Bubbles?

Yes?

Oh, how do you do? I wonder if we could have a word with Charlie?

He's in bed.

Well, it wouldn't take a moment.

We just want a picture and a little story.

No!

Well, we could go upstairs to Charlie, Mrs Bubbles.

He's asleep.

Oh. Well, we'll have to wait and see then, won't we?

Good night.

Your life's not your own, is it?

Oh, eat your orange.

Don't take your bad temper out on me, or I'll leave home.

I've got a better idea. You stay here, and I'll leave home.

Go on. Bed.

That looks very nice.

- Say good night to your father. - Good night, Dad.

Good night.

You ruined good meat, Lottie.

Don't worry. I'm not getting in with you.

You know better than most what you're missing.

Exactly.

- What's that? - My nightdress.

You used to sleep without clothes.

Well, I'm cooling down in my middle age.

You look lovely without clothes.

Can you still remember?

I've got a very selective memory.

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