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03 National Lampoons Christmas Vacation Comedy 1989 720p [H264-mp4] English

[MAN AND WOMAN SINGING "O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL"]

That was beautiful...

[SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"]

Take it, Russ.

Dad, can you explain again what we're doing?

Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas...

by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh...

to embrace the majesty of the winter landscape...

and select that most important of Christmas symbols.

We're not driving all the way here so you can get one of those stupid ties...

- with the Santa Clauses on it, are we? - No, I have one of those at home.

What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree.

[SINGING "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS"]

- What's the matter? - Some jackass is riding my tail.

Slow down and let him pass.

[SINGS "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS"]

Clark! Don't provoke them.

Hey, kids, look a deer.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[LAUGHING]

Clark, slow down!

You wanna ride behind somebody who does that?

I'll pull around them and leave them behind us.

Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.

RUSTY: Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."

Whatever, Russ. Whatever.

Eat my road grit, liver lips!

Okay. That's enough of that.

[TRUCK HONKS]

CLARK: Speaking of trees, kids, can one of you tell me...

what the first tree displayed at the White House was?

Dad, they're back.

Clark, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead.

Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay?

Will you just take it easy, Ellen? I'm in complete control.

I'll get around this egg timer.

Dad. Dad.

- Thank God, we're all right! - Clark, we're stuck under a truck!

CLARK: Do you think I don't know that? AUDREY: Come on, guys, don't fight.

For chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose!

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.

Amen!

- ELLEN: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oops!

Made pretty good time.

RUSTY: Dad, didn't they invent tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive...

all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?

CLARK: They made them because people forgot...

how to have an old-fashioned Christmas...

and are satisfied with scrawny, overpriced trees...

that have no special meaning. AUDREY: My toes are numb.

CLARK: This is what our forefathers did. AUDREY: I can't feel my leg.

CLARK: They walked out into the woods, picked it and cut it with their hands.

AUDREY: Mom, I can't feel my hips. ELLEN: Clark.

CLARK: Yes, honey? ELLEN: Audrey's frozen from the waist.

That's all part of the experience, honey.

There it is.

The Griswold family Christmas tree.

- Isn't it a little big? - It's not big, it's just full.

- Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard. - It's not going in our yard, Russ.

It's going in our living room.

[TEETH CHATTERING]

- Look at it. - It really is beautiful, Clark.

- It's something else, huh, Russ? - Yeah, Dad.

- Isn't it a beaut, Audrey? - ELLEN: She'll see it later, hon.

Her eyes are frozen.

Most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace...

of kith and kin.

This tree is the symbol of the spirit of the Griswold Christmas.

Dad, did you bring a saw?

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Q

Bend over and I'll show you.

You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that.

I wasn't talking to you.

Clark, do you think there's enough room for the angel?

Oh, sure, honey. I have a little more trimming to do...

but that won't be a problem. Ready?

I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.

[CREAKING]

CLARK: There's a lot of sap in here.

[CLARK SPITTING]

CLARK: It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.

- Did I tell you I talked to my mother? - And?

They've decided they're coming for Christmas too.

- It's not too late to change our plans. - No, no, that's great. That's great.

You're forgetting how difficult it's gonna be...

having everybody in the house.

Honey, they're family. They're not strangers off the street.

All they do is argue.

Christmas is about resolving differences...

and seeing through the problems of family life.

Yeah. And about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.

And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip.

- Then they don't speak to each other... - Your mother waxes her upper lip?

- She has for years. - It doesn't show.

- I don't know, Sparky. I have a feeling... - Ellen.

I want to have Christmas here in our house.

It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas.

I know.

It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind, Sparky.

You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.

When have I ever done that?

- Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. - Good night, honey.

- Funerals. Holidays. - CLARK: Oh, great.

ELLEN: Vacations. Graduations.

You should be looking at a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?

Word is you're an excellent choice to be named Additive Designer of the Year.

- Nah. - I'm not kidding.

What's that new thing you got at Food and Drug?

Oh, the crunch enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish.

It's semipermeable, not osmatic. It coats and seals the flake...

- prevents the milk from penetrating it. - Yeah.

- It's a beautiful product. - I like it, yeah.

The question is, what will you do with that bonus?

- Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope. - Me? Heck, no.

Take a look at this.

I hope my Christmas bonus check will cover it.

Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.

I went ahead and I put a $7500 deposit down on it.

You're the last true family man.

FRANK: Mark. CLARK: Clark.

That's Bill, sir.

Were you working on that non-nutritive cereal varnish?

- Yes, sir. - I gotta give a speech to a trade group.

I'd like to mention it. Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day.

- My pleasure. - Layman's terms.

None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got your Christmas card the other day...

and my family and I are very flattered that you remembered us.

Corporate cards.

- Don't forget that report, Bill. - Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Can I show you something?

I was just smelling... Smiling. I was just blouse... Browsing.

For your wife or your girlfriend?

What? What happened?

I guess it wouldn't be any...

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter...

Hotter than they are.

- It is warm in here. - You have your coat on.

- Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen? - Because it's cold out.

Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean, nippy out.

[LAUGHING]

What did I say, nipple?

- There is a nip in the air though. - Can I take something out for you?

[CHUCKLING]

I was just... I was just looking at something for my wife.

- God rest her soul. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history.

Obviously she doesn't wear underwear. There are plenty of shopping days left...

until adultery... Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.

Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...

not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly.

'Tis the season to be merry.

- Well, that's my name. - No shit.

What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there?

MARY: Would you like this one? CLARK: Sure.

These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar.

See? You can't see the line.

- You can't see the line, can you, Russ? - No.

No.

MAN OVER 'W: That's a present from a very dear friend of mine.

Look, Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings...

an angel gets his wings.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

[MUSIC PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

[ARGUING]

Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.

- Hey! How you doing, son? - Fine.

There he is! Oh, my boy.

- Look at how big you've gotten. - Merry Christmas.

- Mom. - Sweetheart.

Oh, knock on the door. Lift up the ladder.

- Listen. Doesn't Nora look old? - You promised.

- Of course I do. - They took a pint of fluid from my back.

Do you see this mole? This mole on my neck?

- Think it's changing color? - No.

- You keep touching it, it gets redder. - I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?

- (C)h, Mother. - Isn't that terrible?



- You're not getting the garage space. - After what you...

I'm doing the parking. Russ, want to help?

Mom, they're not sleeping in my room. I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.

NORA: Sweetheart. Your grandma's got a real painful burr on my heel.

If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter.

- A quarter. A quarter. - NORA: I'll give Audrey a quarter too.

- I'm gonna put my car in the garage! - He damaged my car, you believe that?

I'll park the cars.

This is what Christmas is all about.

I'll park the cars and check the luggage...

and yeah, I'll be outside for the season.

We're gonna have the best-looking house in town.

- I've always wanted to do this. - That's a lot of lights, Dad.

I'm sure it's a lot of work too, but if I'm out in the cold...

and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right...

and I'm gonna do it big.

You want something you can be proud of, don't you?

- Yeah, I guess so. - Sure you do.

- You think you might be overdoing it? - When did I last overdo anything?

Come on, unravel these.

You have to check every bulb. Got a little knot here. You work on that.

I'll get the other box.

- I hope he falls and breaks his neck. - I'm sure he'll fall.

I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck.

Let's go.

MAN OVER 'W: These winds appear to be playing havoc with that giant float.

At this point I can't even see the nuts. They must have blown away.

[SNORING]

But nothing is going to dampen the spirit of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that.

Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts. These look like giant nuts to me.

Yeah, I'm reminded of a couple years ago, the winds were so high here...

we almost lost Santa's reindeer.

Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor window at Marshall Field's.

They better keep their eyes out on their nuts before someone gets hurt.

Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Audrey.

Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone?

Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone...

- because I was going to the bathroom. - We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother?

Do you know how sick and twisted that is, Mom?

Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

I have nightmares about what he does in his bed...

when I'm not lying right next to him.

Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

FRANCIS: Ellen, are you smoking again?

No!

[STAPLING]

Ow!

Hey, Dad, where do you want these reindeer?

Just put them down there on the lawn, Russ.

I can't find the Santa Claus.

It's in the basement. We'll get it later.

[SCREAMING]

[YELLS]

- Clark. Dinner's ready. - CLARK: Okay, honey. I'm starving.

[CLARK SPITTING]

[GLASS TINKLING]

Obviously something had to break the window!

Something had to hit the stereo!

- And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? - I don't know, Margo.

ART: You want to hurry this up? I'm freezing my baguettes off.

CLARK: Two hundred and fifty strands of light...

100 individual bulbs per strand...

for a grand total of 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights.

[CHEERING]

- CLARK: Twenty-five thousand. - I hope nobody I know drives by...

and sees me standing in the yard, staring at the house in my pajamas.

If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.

Fire it up, Dad!

I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas.

ALL: Aw...

Drum roll, please.

- Drum roll. - Oh, uh...

[MIMICKING DRUM]

[SINGS "JOY TO THE WORLD"]

[GIGGLING]

Beautiful, Clark.

FRANCIS: Talk about pissing your money away.

I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

- He worked really hard, Grandma. - So do washing machines.

Let's get in where it's warm.

Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind. And it's breathtaking.

- Thanks, Mom. - It's probably a bad bulb, son.

You know, if one goes out, the whole thing doesn't work.

Now, if I were you I'd personally check each one.

- I did that, Dad. I can't... - Now, look, if you need any help...

- give me a holler. I'll be asleep. - Thanks.

Sorry, Daddy. It looks good even if they're not lit.

Thank you, sweetheart.

- Well, Dad, it was a good try. - Thanks, Russ.

- Russ. - Yeah?

- We checked every bulb, didn't we? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.

I thought so. Well, maybe we ought to go up there and just get...

Jeez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed.

Brush my teeth. Feed the hog.

I've still got some homework to do. Do the laundry. Wash the car.

I've still got those bills to pay...

Clark, don't stay up too late.

[SNORING]

Get off me, you little fungus.

Where the hell is that cold coming from?

Ooh... Oh.

Hey!

Hey.

Hello?

- I need to get a few more... - Pay by check.

- I will. Not a card? - ART: If they return it, it's a hassle...

CLARK: Russ!

[HONKING]

- Help! - ELLEN: Daddy, is Clark coming?

- ART: How would I know? - Ls he in the house?

If he isn't farting around with his lights, he must be inside.

I'm sure he wants to come shopping and have lunch with us.

He's got another car. He can drive. I have to eat so I can take my back pills.

[CAR STARTING]

Ellen! Hey! Ellen!

[CREAKING]

[CLATTERING]

I want to take off these clothes, sit with a glass of wine and kiss your body.

- After you shower, of course. - Of course.

- ELLEN: Sparky? - Yes, honey.

Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?

No. I still have a couple hundred more bulbs to check.

In the meantime, I can light the Santa, the deer and the Merry Christmas sign.

That should look good. Ready?

- You want me to do the drum roll thing? - No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

I don't understand it.

The house lights don't work, the flood lights don't work.

Is it plugged in?

Do you honestly think I would check thousands of lights...

if the extension cord wasn't plugged in?

You used more than one cord, didn't you?

Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll check in back.

Clark!

Todd! What's that light?!

ELLEN: Clark!

Honey, I think I know what's wrong.

TODD: I can't see.

MARGO: No, no, no... Oh, my God...

CLARK: This ought to do it.

[TODD GROANS]

Ellen, I fixed it!

MARGO: Oh, right! TODD: Oh, God!

Everybody! Come out quick! Look at the lights!

- Get a towel. - Okay!

- CLARK: Wait. I don't believe this! - What's all the yelling about?

What?! But... What's going on here?

Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights.

- What's he doing, Clark? - I haven't the foggiest.

CLARK: What?

What the hell? What is wrong with this?

Damn it! Damn it!

You god-damn light!

[YELLS]

CLARK: Go! Go! Do it!

[SCREAMS]

Dad, it's beautiful!

[SOBBING]

Oh, my carpet!

- Oh, Clark, it's so lovely. - Mom.

You deserve a home like this to spend Christmas in.

- It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut. - Dad, Dad, Dad.

You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

Thank you, thank you.

CLARK: Russ. Audrey.

Dear, dear Francis.

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays.

- It's just wonderful. - Yeah.

Arthur. Art.

Dad.

- Thanks for being here. - The little lights are not twinkling.

I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.

EDDIE: The house sure does look swell, Clark.

Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.

Eddie?

- Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark. - Eddie?

I hope you didn't do this all on our account, Clark.

Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house.

Eddie?

[DOG GROWLING]

Eddie?

Yeah. If you don't remember, this here is Rocky.

- You got a kiss for me? - EDDIE: Better take a rain check on that.

He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet.

- You remember Ruby Sue? - Oh, yeah.

Oh, my gosh!

- Her eyes aren't crossed anymore. - EDDIE: That's something, ain't it?

Falls in a well, eyes go crossed.

She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal.

I don't know.

[CHUCKLING]

And this here's our pride and joy. Snots.

[SNOTS SNEEZES]

Pretty name, Ed.

We named him that because he's got this sinus condition.

Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly.

You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark.

- Oh, Ed. - That's okay, Eddie.

EDDIE: That's something, ain't it? You pet him...

and he'll love you till the day you die.

I really shouldn't. My hands are all chapped.

We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise.

- Yeah. You surprised? - Surprised, Eddie?

If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised.

We have plenty of room.

We have plenty of towels. We have plenty of everything.

We're pretty well set up here in the RV. It's a little tight...

- but we didn't come to impose. - Hell, there's plenty of room.

- Quit being so damn polite, Ed. - Oh...

Cathrine and I, we're pretty comfy in there, you know.

But maybe you wouldn't mind the youngsters shacking up with you.

After that long drive, we could use a little private time together.

Why don't you get the kids' things?

Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

Come on. I wanna show you the home.

NORA: Audrey, help me get some hot chocolate. It's cold.

[CHATTERING]

[WHIMPERING]

That's a honey of a tree, Clark. Is it real?

Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out of the ground myself.

- Is that a fact? - Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo!

Don't worry about it, Clark. A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.

Before we left, he drank a half a quart of Pennzoil.

Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning...

If he drinks the water, the tree's gonna dry up. Come on, out of there.

- Snots. - CLARK: Out, out, out.

Get out of there. Get in the kitchen now.

Get in the kitchen there and get you something to eat. Go on.

He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.

If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town.

Don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean.

A word of warning, though. If he lays into you, it's best to just let him finish.

I can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room, Eddie.

- Never thought the day would come. - Yeah, I'm excited about it too.

It's a crying shame the older kids couldn't make it.

I'll get that. Don't worry about it. Let me get it.

Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey.

And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career.

- College? - Carnival.

- You gotta be proud. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl.

He thinks maybe next year...

he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak Woman.

- You ever see her? - No.

She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears.

Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And a hell of a good cook.

Can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat?

Drive you out to nowhere and leave you for dead?

No, I'm doing just fine, Clark. Just glad to be here.

Yeah. So when did you get the tenement on wheels?

Oh, that there? That's an RV.

Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house...

I took the RV. It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it?

Yeah. Looks so nice parked in the driveway.

Yeah, it sure does. But don't you go falling in love with it now.

Because we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.

FRANK: Well, get Ed Leftic up here to look over these figures.

Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse.

Retooling?! I'll retool you!

- CLARK: Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas. - Who's that?

- It's me, Clark Griswold. - What do you want?

My wife and I came up with a little something special. It's a gift.

Put it over there with the others, greaseball.

Oh.

By the way, I hope my report helped out at the trade show.

I'm sure it did, Grisball.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call.

Get me somebody. Anybody.

And get me somebody while I wait.

This is a new silicon-based kitchen lubricant my company's working on.

It creates a surface 500 times more slippery than any cooking oil.

We're gonna fly down the hill with this stuff.

- Has anyone ever used it on a sled? - Not that I know of, Russ.

Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled, Clark.

- You know that metal plate in my head? - How could I forget?

I had to have it replaced because every time Cathrine revved up the microwave...

I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so.

Over at the V.A. they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so...

I don't know if I ought to go down no hill with nothing between...

the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

- You really think it matters, Eddie? - The plate runs underneath my part here.

Over here it's, you know, nothing.

But here, if this gets dented, then my hairjust ain't gonna look right.

Yeah, I know the feeling. I better try this first, see how it works.

U

EDDIE: You be careful there. CLARK: There's nothing to worry about.

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer-sled land-speed record:

Clark W. Griswold Jr.!

Remember, don't try this at home, kids. I am a professional.

Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.

Oh, shit!

Oh...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Ah!

This is great! It's great! It's great! I'm dead!

No, not... Hey!

[SCREAMING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

CLARK: Look out!

[CRASHING]

Bingo.

- Clark? You staying late? - Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.

Just finishing up a few things. Last day of the year for me.

Well, have a really Merry Christmas.

You too.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Bill, did you get your bonus yet?

I just talked to my son.

Company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it.

Nothing like waiting till the last minute, huh? Did you get yours?

If it isn't at the house, I'm sure it's on its way.

If I don't get that bonus, I'm in it up to here.

Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

[WATER SPLASHING]

[BING CROSBY'S "MELE KALIKIMAKA" PLAYS]

Me?

RUBY SUE: Santy Claus!

Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?