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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,020
So, I've got some big news.
2
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:08,199
I'm buying a flat. Oh, wow! Amazing!
3
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,194
What, like a buy-to-let
sort of thing? You go, girl.
4
00:00:11,195 --> 00:00:15,394
No, I'll be living in the flat.
Right, OK.
5
00:00:15,395 --> 00:00:17,199
OK!
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,274
So, you'll be the landlady
and I'll be your lodger.
7
00:00:20,275 --> 00:00:21,839
That'll be funny.
8
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,634
No, Leanne, it's a one-bed flat.
9
00:00:24,635 --> 00:00:26,540
Right. So...?
10
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,620
I'm moving out, Leanne.
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,140
We won't be flatmates any more.
12
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,460
Um...
13
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,519
OK, wow!
14
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,794
Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you. OK.
15
00:00:51,795 --> 00:00:53,460
Are you going to miss me?
16
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,279
God, yeah. Of course, I'll miss you.
17
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,514
Feels like we've lived
together for forever.
18
00:01:00,515 --> 00:01:01,799
Two years, eight months.
19
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,180
You're the longest one by two years.
20
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,279
So, where is this flat? Bedminster.
21
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,834
Bedminster? That's, like,
the other side of Bristol.
22
00:01:12,835 --> 00:01:15,671
You're going to be so far away.
Yeah, shame.
23
00:01:15,672 --> 00:01:18,474
I'll have to stay when over
when I visit.
24
00:01:18,475 --> 00:01:19,919
I don't...
Oh, can we go by Londis?
25
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,039
I need to stock up on
some crisps and Tampax.
26
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,519
I'm coming on tomorrow.
I'll get some for you as well.
27
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:28,234
Oh, no, I'm good actually, I'm not...
Rhona, girls who live together,
28
00:01:28,235 --> 00:01:30,140
flow together. Science fact.
29
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:38,074
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30
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,279
DOOR OPENS
31
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,034
Ladies... thank you for your time.
32
00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:05,519
Here's a leaflet
33
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,420
that you may find helpful.
34
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,980
And I'm required to pass on.
35
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,194
We've no further questions
for you tonight,
36
00:02:15,195 --> 00:02:17,594
so we'll arrange a car
to take you home.
37
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,020
KNOCKING
Excuse me.
38
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,580
INAUDIBLE
39
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,254
What the fuck?!
40
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,279
For fuck's sake!
41
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,060
All right, go and get
the lady officer.
42
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,554
Now, in our communication
with a suspect's solicitor,
43
00:02:57,555 --> 00:02:58,959
we were required to inform him
44
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,834
that two eyewitnesses had positively
identified his client.
45
00:03:02,835 --> 00:03:07,234
During this process, it
appears that, regretfully,
46
00:03:07,235 --> 00:03:10,034
your names were involuntarily
misnonredacted.
47
00:03:10,035 --> 00:03:11,651
(What does that mean?)
48
00:03:11,652 --> 00:03:13,199
By which you mean...?
49
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,794
Your names were inadvertently passed
on to the defence's legal team.
50
00:03:16,795 --> 00:03:19,719
The good news is that,
at least until this goes to trial,
51
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,314
you'll both be granted protective
witness status. Let me assure you...
52
00:03:23,315 --> 00:03:25,954
Wait, you're saying we need
to go into witness protection?
53
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:27,359
SHE GASPS
54
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,039
You'll be issued with new identities
55
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,014
and the requisite documents
to accompany them.
56
00:03:31,015 --> 00:03:32,954
I want to talk to your boss.
No, in fact, MP.
57
00:03:32,955 --> 00:03:34,119
Get my MP on the phone.
58
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,994
Can I just say you've come
to the right person for this?
59
00:03:36,995 --> 00:03:39,371
I've got a BTEC in Performance Arts,
60
00:03:39,372 --> 00:03:41,679
so I know all about
creating character.
61
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,559
There really is nothing you would
call acting involved.
62
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,860
One starts with the shoes. Through
the shoes, one finds the walk.
63
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,719
Is this all really
absolutely necessary?
64
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,594
I'm afraid the murder you witnessed
was part of a gang-related feud
65
00:03:54,595 --> 00:03:56,599
over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.
66
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,554
The people it involved are
considered highly organised
67
00:03:59,555 --> 00:04:01,860
and extremely dangerous.
68
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,159
What's this?
I asked for a Mini Milk.
69
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,814
Mate, that's worth five Mini Milks.
Don't care.
70
00:04:20,815 --> 00:04:23,434
I ain't selling it, am I?
I want to eat it.
71
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:25,940
I want to eat a Mini Milk.
Boys...
72
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,554
Look, I got a job for yous, ain't I?
This one's come from upstairs.
73
00:04:33,555 --> 00:04:36,411
The Osama Bin Big Bollocks
himself, yeah?
74
00:04:36,412 --> 00:04:39,234
Said he wants my soldiers,
DJ Safe As Fuck...
75
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:41,020
DJ Sound As Fuck.
76
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,999
And, er...
77
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:49,034
Appraisal. Wants my boys DJ Sound
As Fuck and Appraisal on this one.
78
00:04:49,035 --> 00:04:51,714
There's a couple of girls causing
a bit of trouble.
79
00:04:51,715 --> 00:04:52,839
They need taking out.
80
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,274
See where I'm coming from?
81
00:04:55,275 --> 00:04:56,839
Now, er...
82
00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,794
Have any of you lads ever
handled one of these before?
83
00:05:00,795 --> 00:05:03,674
Yeah, yeah, of course, man.
84
00:05:03,675 --> 00:05:04,980
Loads of times.
85
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,700
We're cool.
86
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,754
MUSIC: Lap-dance
by N.E.R.D.
87
00:05:12,755 --> 00:05:14,799
♪ I'm an outlaw
88
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,094
♪ Quick on the draw... ♪
89
00:05:16,095 --> 00:05:17,620
Get one with the porn!
90
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,180
PHONE RINGS
91
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,479
Hello, I'm John Inverdale.
92
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,414
Usually, it gives me, and others,
93
00:05:39,415 --> 00:05:41,279
a great deal of joy when I say that.
94
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,719
But today I say it in an altogether
more sombre tone,
95
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,634
because if you're watching this
video, it means you been placed,
96
00:05:46,635 --> 00:05:50,500
or are about to be placed
in police witness protection.
97
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,414
First up,
I want to talk about "legends",
98
00:05:54,415 --> 00:05:56,919
and I don't mean Beefy Botham
or Sting.
99
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,054
Legend is police terminology
for your new identity
100
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:03,420
and the requisite documents
that come with it.
101
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,740
Sarah Penn.
102
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,060
Lisa Smith.
103
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,100
Li-sa Smith...
104
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,754
My mind's filling up
with ideas already.
105
00:06:21,755 --> 00:06:23,611
Who is Lisa Smith?
106
00:06:23,612 --> 00:06:25,399
What are her dreams?
107
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,839
Can I see a statement of exactly
108
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,839
what you're going to tell
my employers?
109
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,679
Do you know, I think Lisa Smith
hasn't always been happy.
110
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,434
I'll make sure it's run by you.
There's a darkness to Lisa Smith.
111
00:06:36,435 --> 00:06:37,719
Something in her past.
112
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,679
If I can ask you to hand
over any cards?
113
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,434
Debit cards, credit cards,
anything that identifies you.
114
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:46,199
But she'd be strong.
Well, she's had to be.
115
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:51,074
From now on, I need you to only use
these names, even in private.
116
00:06:51,075 --> 00:06:53,514
There are bank cards
and PIN numbers in there.
117
00:06:53,515 --> 00:06:55,079
The account will be topped up weekly
118
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,079
and you'll also find £60 of vouchers
for George at Asda.
119
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,514
Ooh! OK, if you're ready,
I'll take you to your accommodation.
120
00:07:01,515 --> 00:07:03,420
SHE GASPS
Ooh, exciting!
121
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,119
HORN BLARES
122
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,540
HELICOPTER WHIRS
123
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,780
'You have reached your... '
124
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,820
This is nice and it's bang
in the centre of Swindon.
125
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:28,754
Right. I thought you were supposed to
match our current living situation.
126
00:07:28,755 --> 00:07:29,759
I don't understand.
127
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,514
We live in a Victorian conversion
with period features.
128
00:07:33,515 --> 00:07:34,839
I'm not seeing cornicing.
129
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,534
You lived in a two-bed,
this is a two-bad.
130
00:07:37,535 --> 00:07:40,194
Hey, there's a lovely smell of
egg in here.
131
00:07:40,195 --> 00:07:42,011
I'll be in touch.
132
00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:43,759
Er, actually...
133
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,239
if you think about it,
134
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,874
I was in the process of moving out
of the flat I share with Leanne.
135
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,399
Ah! Sorry, Lisa.
136
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:54,634
So, technically, shouldn't
I be given a place of my own?
137
00:07:54,635 --> 00:07:57,700
I'm sorry, we're not required
to budget for that.
138
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,780
And there's no sort of top-up system?
139
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,180
Is there an equivalent of BUPA?
140
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,959
God, look at this place!
141
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,220
It'll feel like home
once we've got a Glade plug-in.
142
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,494
The police are effing morons!
143
00:08:27,495 --> 00:08:29,479
Hey, this will cheer you up.
144
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,514
Guess who held on to her
Boots advantage card?
145
00:08:32,515 --> 00:08:34,274
Leanne, that'll have your name on it.
146
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:35,999
Yeah, and 2,000 points!
147
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,074
That's the business end of a
femidom. No, I'm serious, Leanne.
148
00:08:39,075 --> 00:08:41,159
You need to cut that up.
149
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,174
Seriously, this affects both of us.
OK, OK,
150
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:47,420
But you owe me at least ten
Meal Deals.
151
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,580
God.
152
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,954
Morning, all. Well, here we are.
Day one of WitPro.
153
00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,199
What should you do?
154
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,754
Well, I'll tell you what
you shouldn't do.
155
00:09:01,755 --> 00:09:04,274
You shouldn't just sit around,
knees knocking,
156
00:09:04,275 --> 00:09:05,879
chewing on your fingernails.
157
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,314
It can be a while before your
legend is tested,
158
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,394
so best get the first
one out the way.
159
00:09:10,395 --> 00:09:11,919
Something nice and simple.
160
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,874
You're going to register
with your local dentist.
161
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:17,634
So, put your shoes on,
get off the sofa
162
00:09:17,635 --> 00:09:20,231
and get ready to say,
163
00:09:20,232 --> 00:09:23,060
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah. "
164
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,079
Oh, nice.
165
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,919
Is that a character detail?
166
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,260
No, it's a mild asthma attack. Oh.
167
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,279
Hi, we'd like to register
as new patients.
168
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,754
Because we've just moved here,
because of, with our jobs,
169
00:09:50,755 --> 00:09:52,959
from a different area to this one.
170
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,754
OK, well, let's get you
on the system.
171
00:09:55,755 --> 00:09:58,039
Who wants to go first?
172
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,714
My name is Sarah Penn,
I live at 39 Woodbridge Court,
173
00:10:00,715 --> 00:10:03,239
I work in the public sector.
174
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,380
Fine, and, er, can I get
your NHS number?
175
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,780
Seven.
176
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,679
Seven.
177
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:17,079
Is that another seven or...? Seven.
178
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,794
Sorry about her, um,
she's a little bit nervous.
179
00:10:20,795 --> 00:10:24,740
Um, she had an experience
when she was younger.
180
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,354
Dentist put his thingy in her mouth.
No, no, that didn't happen.
181
00:10:29,355 --> 00:10:31,919
Bless her. Abuse memory.
They cover it up.
182
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,274
Your dentist here,
he doesn't do that, does he?
183
00:10:34,275 --> 00:10:36,434
Well, actually,
Dr Prakesh is a lady.
184
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:38,359
Ah, did you hear that, Sarah?
185
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,319
Lady dentist,
hasn't even got a thingy.
186
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,914
We haven't got our NHS numbers.
Is that going to be a problem?
187
00:10:44,915 --> 00:10:46,491
No, that's fine.
188
00:10:46,492 --> 00:10:48,034
Can I get your name?
189
00:10:48,035 --> 00:10:51,060
My name is...
190
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,794
...Mystique.
191
00:10:53,795 --> 00:10:55,599
Mystique?
192
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,274
And could you spell that for me?
193
00:10:58,275 --> 00:10:59,794
Ooh, now you're asking!
194
00:10:59,795 --> 00:11:01,140
M...
195
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,700
You on the internet there?
Can we Google it?
196
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,399
Mystique? What the fuck?!
197
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,254
I just felt, in the moment,
this woman's not called Lisa.
198
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,074
Oh, for god's sake, this isn't
Inside The Actors' Studio!
199
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,491
This is trying not
to get murdered in Swindon.
200
00:11:17,492 --> 00:11:19,874
Well, I like to ad-lib a little.
Keeps it fresh.
201
00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:21,639
That bit that you
did about the dentist
202
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,039
putting his thingy in your mouth -
great! You said that.
203
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,674
All right, it's not about taking
credit for this bit or that.
204
00:11:26,675 --> 00:11:28,354
I'm just saying,
it was a nice detail.
205
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,799
It brought the character to life,
206
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,519
and I could tell she really
enjoyed it.
207
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,660
Look, we don't want her to enjoy it,
we want her to not think about it.
208
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,674
Is someone cross with themselves
because she thinks she was rubbish?
209
00:11:39,675 --> 00:11:41,239
Mmm.
210
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:45,399
You were fine and you're going
to get even better.
211
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,554
Until then, I got absolutely no
problem with picking up the slack.
212
00:11:48,555 --> 00:11:53,394
Now, we've got 60 quid's worth
of George at Asda vouchers
213
00:11:53,395 --> 00:11:55,399
burning holes in our pockets.
214
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,714
Let's dress Sarah and Monique.
Mystique.
215
00:11:57,715 --> 00:12:00,900
Yes, I like that! Monique Mystique.
216
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,700
Next!
217
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,274
You killed a man before? Nah...
218
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,740
In the end, he pulled through.
219
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,874
What about you? Yeah, mate.
220
00:12:20,875 --> 00:12:23,554
When? On holiday.
221
00:12:23,555 --> 00:12:25,260
Corfu.
222
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,754
Guy slagged off my pedalo.
223
00:12:27,755 --> 00:12:29,300
Bang!
224
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,700
Smashed his windpipe.
225
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,780
Now I can't set foot on the island.
226
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,474
Or book a holiday through
Thomson direct.
227
00:12:40,475 --> 00:12:41,860
Next!
228
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,439
We want to look at the register.
229
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:52,114
The election thing with the,
um, people's names and shit.
230
00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:53,620
Can I ask why?
231
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,620
Fucking... school?
232
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,180
Certainly.
233
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,719
Yeah, well, I've just moved
to the area, you see,
234
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,594
with my friend Sarah,
who's also single, like me, single.
235
00:13:07,595 --> 00:13:09,999
OK, well then,
you should definitely come. Hmmm.
236
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,514
They don't do peach frappés,
so I got you a tea. Hello?
237
00:13:14,515 --> 00:13:16,634
Sarah, this is Patrick.
238
00:13:16,635 --> 00:13:17,959
It was so funny!
239
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,314
Patrick left his receipt thingy
in the cash machine,
240
00:13:20,315 --> 00:13:22,119
but I chased him and gave
it to him.
241
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,514
Yeah, it was a close call.
I'm actually still shaking.
242
00:13:24,515 --> 00:13:27,391
You cheeky... He's taking the piss!
Hm.
243
00:13:27,392 --> 00:13:29,870
Patrick's having a house
party tonight
244
00:13:29,871 --> 00:13:32,279
and he's very kindly
invited us along.
245
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:36,119
Yeah, one of my flatmates is
a really talented beat-boxer,
246
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,954
but he's away for the weekend,
so it's a perfect time for a party.
247
00:13:39,955 --> 00:13:41,799
Oh, shit!
248
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,034
We can't because we've got
that, um, thing.
249
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:46,119
What thing?
250
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,060
You know, that bloody, um...
251
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,674
...christening.
252
00:13:51,675 --> 00:13:53,011
What, tonight?
253
00:13:53,012 --> 00:13:54,580
Oh, tonight?
254
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,674
Sorry, I thought you meant the
party was on, um, Sunday morning.
255
00:13:59,675 --> 00:14:01,620
So we can go then? Yes.
256
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,820
Amazing.
257
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,434
And you were talking to
that guy because...?
258
00:14:08,435 --> 00:14:10,559
Rhona, he clearly looked at my baps.
259
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,154
Now, if I don't say hello,
how suspicious is that?
260
00:14:13,155 --> 00:14:15,714
We've got to be careful, Leanne,
he could be anyone.
261
00:14:15,715 --> 00:14:18,279
He's a student nurse. I asked him.
262
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,954
He's basically doing
a degree in being lovely.
263
00:14:20,955 --> 00:14:23,594
Well, we're obviously not
going to that party.
264
00:14:23,595 --> 00:14:25,159
Rhona, we have to act natural,
265
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,434
and that means we can't run a mile
every time boys talk to us.
266
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:29,879
We're two normal girls,
267
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,594
and when normal girls get asked
to parties, they say yes.
268
00:14:33,595 --> 00:14:35,954
I just feel like it's risky.
Well, I'm going.
269
00:14:35,955 --> 00:14:38,300
You're more than welcome to join me.
270
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,074
OK, we go for one hour, tops.
271
00:14:41,075 --> 00:14:42,799
That's the way.
272
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,719
We could do with a bit of night-life.
273
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,634
Have you ever been out in Swindon?
It's mental!
274
00:14:47,635 --> 00:14:49,051
A bit like Gloucester,
275
00:14:49,052 --> 00:14:50,700
only not so stuck-up.
276
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,100
BUZZER SOUNDS
277
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,340
HE SNIFFS
278
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,874
Are you ringing for flat two?
279
00:15:04,875 --> 00:15:07,079
They're not in.
280
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,199
I don't know when they'll be back.
281
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,494
Can I help you?
Do you know 'em? Oh, yes!
282
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:17,981
Lovely girls.
They always shut the back gate.
283
00:15:17,982 --> 00:15:22,434
I sometimes accept parcels
on their behalf.
284
00:15:22,435 --> 00:15:24,580
Have you come courting?
285
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,799
DOORBELL
286
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:33,180
MUSIC: Daft Punk Is Playing
At My House by LCD Sound-system
287
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,214
Hi.
288
00:15:46,215 --> 00:15:48,260
H- hi.
289
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,340
Sarah. Penn.
290
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,594
I work in the public sector.
291
00:15:56,595 --> 00:15:58,020
Manage a small team.
292
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,514
Six years I lived in Saudi
with that particular husband
293
00:16:09,515 --> 00:16:11,540
and I wanted for nothing.
294
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,519
Servants, perfumes, fine silks,
295
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,114
but there were two things
I wasn't allowed.
296
00:16:17,115 --> 00:16:18,639
My freedom
297
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,554
and a Facebook account.
298
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:21,900
Oh, wow.
299
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,559
Hi, I'm Sarah.
300
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,660
I work in the public sector,
I manage a small team.
301
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,514
And I said, "Well, Hassan,
we have a phrase in English.
302
00:16:35,515 --> 00:16:38,874
"'If you love someone,
set 'em free'."
303
00:16:38,875 --> 00:16:41,039
And I took my burqa off
304
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,180
and I threw it into
the champagne fountain.
305
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,994
And I said, "Hey, just because
this is the public sector
306
00:16:50,995 --> 00:16:53,874
"doesn't mean I'm afraid
to bang a few heads together. "
307
00:16:53,875 --> 00:16:55,740
Do you know what I'm saying?
308
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,220
I manage a small team -
that means a few things.
309
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,154
RADIO: Earlier today, police were
called to a house in the Easton
310
00:17:04,155 --> 00:17:07,474
area of Bristol
following reports of gunfire.
311
00:17:07,475 --> 00:17:09,319
A spokesman for the police confirmed
312
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,954
a 76-year-old woman
was found dead at the scene.
313
00:17:11,955 --> 00:17:14,114
Her name has not yet been released.
314
00:17:14,115 --> 00:17:16,839
In other news...
315
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,954
Mate, I know what
you're going through.
316
00:17:20,955 --> 00:17:22,999
You should have seen me in Corfu.
317
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,154
Couldn't even finish
my egg and chips.
318
00:17:26,155 --> 00:17:27,940
But you became a man today.
319
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,260
Respect.
320
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,860
I'll do the next one.
321
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,380
You've kinda got me in the mood
for it now, actually.
322
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,314
Someone's having a good time!
323
00:17:56,315 --> 00:17:58,594
This guy is a scream!
324
00:17:58,595 --> 00:18:00,159
Whoo!
325
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,620
I'm Mystique. Ooh!
326
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,260
Sorry...
327
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,794
Look! What?
328
00:18:32,795 --> 00:18:34,460
Him.
329
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,340
Oh, yeah!
330
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,874
Patrick looks well fit
in a suit, doesn't he?
331
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:42,354
No, him!
332
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,820
Hm?
333
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,940
Oh, bums.
334
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,319
Wakey-wakey, Rhons!
335
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,634
Hey, that was a bit of a close shave
last night, wasn't it?
336
00:19:05,635 --> 00:19:08,020
What are the odds?
337
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,039
Oh, well, all's well that ends well.
338
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:16,554
Probably laugh about it
in a few years. I made you a cuppa.
339
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:18,874
Oh, you're up. Yes.
340
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:20,559
How come?
341
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,420
I can't do this any more.
It's too dangerous.
342
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,639
What, are you going to
go to the police?
343
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,679
They got us into this mess
in the first place.
344
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:32,594
No, I am going to do what I always
do. I'm going to sort it out myself.
345
00:19:32,595 --> 00:19:35,940
It's that Virgin Media contract
all over again.
346
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,279
S... So, what are you going to do?
347
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,954
I'm going to talk to
these people, strike a deal.
348
00:19:42,955 --> 00:19:44,279
What, the baddies?!
349
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,919
Are you mad? Leanne,
these are businesspeople.
350
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:50,274
All they want to do is sell their
illegal fags without any hassle.
351
00:19:50,275 --> 00:19:52,754
The police said... Of course
the police are going to say
352
00:19:52,755 --> 00:19:55,039
they're bloodthirsty
murder-bastards -
353
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,354
they want us to testify.
Well, they shot that guy!
354
00:19:58,355 --> 00:20:01,180
That was a precision hit.
Strictly business.
355
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:06,479
Listen, I have seen Breaking Bad,
I've seen... most of The Wire.
356
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:11,220
We're only in danger if they think
that we're a threat. Think about it.
357
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,434
If they can avoid bloodshed,
they will. I mean, you've not read
358
00:20:15,435 --> 00:20:18,394
Freakonomics, but bloodshed
is bad for business.
359
00:20:18,395 --> 00:20:20,799
It brings police attention.
360
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,639
If they can be assured
we won't testify,
361
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:27,794
they'll have no reason or wish
to do us any harm.
362
00:20:27,795 --> 00:20:29,620
Hmmm...
363
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,834
Rhona, hon, I know you're feeling
kind of shaky because I had to
364
00:20:33,835 --> 00:20:36,194
save you at the dentist,
but honestly,
365
00:20:36,195 --> 00:20:39,119
you're not in any danger at all.
366
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,599
You're with a BTEC-qualified
actress,
367
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:46,494
and I am more than happy to
use my gifts to keep you from harm.
368
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,001
Listen to me... In fact, I've got
some ideas about Sarah Penn,
369
00:20:50,002 --> 00:20:53,474
and I'd be delighted to workshop
them with you. Listen to me!
370
00:20:53,475 --> 00:20:58,634
You are the problem!
You are fucking terrible at acting.
371
00:20:58,635 --> 00:21:02,331
It is your acting that is
going to get me killed!
372
00:21:02,332 --> 00:21:06,260
That is why I am doing this,
you silly, silly shit!
373
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,420
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
374
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,159
Boys, I'm, erm...
375
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,260
looking to score
a medium portion of ecstasies.
376
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,474
No? Not to worry, should probably
have an early night anyway.
377
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:43,959
But before I go,
378
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:48,274
I just wanted to put the word
out there about something...
379
00:21:48,275 --> 00:21:51,759
get it out on the street, as it were.
380
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:56,580
Now, I presume you boys heard
about the shooting on Parsons Lane?
381
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,719
Well, my client,
382
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,134
the person I represent,
383
00:22:02,135 --> 00:22:04,479
was a witness to that.
384
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,194
Now, obviously, the po-po
have been on her balls trying to
385
00:22:09,195 --> 00:22:13,399
get her to talk, but my client
is a woman of business
386
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:18,660
and she wants it to be known
that she is willing to cut a deal.
387
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:24,374
So if the interested party
would like to meet with me,
388
00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:29,380
I will be in the Ambassador's Lounge
strip club from four.
389
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,180
I'll be the lady
who doesn't have her tits out.
390
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,334
Community leaders in Bristol's
Easton district expressed shock
391
00:22:55,335 --> 00:22:58,681
today following the shooting
of a pensioner in her own home.
392
00:22:58,682 --> 00:23:02,260
The 76-year-old, whose body
was discovered last night...
393
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,759
Look, I can't talk now,
I'm nearly there. Rhona, wait...
394
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,274
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
I'm meeting them at a strip club,
395
00:23:09,275 --> 00:23:10,759
the one near Robert Dyas.
396
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,314
It's safe for them,
it's where they like to do business.
397
00:23:13,315 --> 00:23:14,399
Rhona, please, stop...
398
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,380
You'd know if you'd gotten past
episode three of The Sopranos.
399
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:23,634
Oh, I'll call you later. No, Rhona -
I mean Sarah - if you refuse...
400
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:25,511
Oh, bums.
401
00:23:25,512 --> 00:23:27,620
Mate!
402
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,020
Mate!
403
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,540
I know where one of them is,
and it's brilliant.
404
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,420
♪ Talk dirty to me
405
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,140
♪ Talk dirty to me
406
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,079
♪ Get jazzy on me
407
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,639
♪ You know the words
to my songs... ♪
408
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:57,914
Would you mind just keeping an eye
on that while I nip to the ladies?
409
00:23:57,915 --> 00:24:02,780
I presume you have a ladies.
For the performers and lesbians?
410
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,700
Great!
411
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,479
Mate, this is going to be sweet.
412
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:14,614
We'll have a few beers, a few quick
fucks, then we'll drop the body.
413
00:24:14,615 --> 00:24:18,714
No, actually, we'll drop the body
first, then we'll have the fucks.
414
00:24:18,715 --> 00:24:21,474
Cos you know what women are like.
They see you drop a body,
415
00:24:21,475 --> 00:24:24,460
they ain't going to make you pay
for your fucks.
416
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:32,380
Talking of which, give me the gun.
I'm going to do this one.
417
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,754
Oh, my God, Rhona,
you're not dead! Come to me.
418
00:24:48,755 --> 00:24:51,639
LOUDLY: Sorry, I don't know
anyone called Rhona.
419
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,740
What are you doing here?!
I said I'm taking care of this.
420
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,359
Oh, my God.
421
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:08,234
Oh, my God! These people ARE
bloodthirsty murder-bastards!
422
00:25:08,235 --> 00:25:09,900
Come on.
423
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,314
That's them, that's them! Oh, my
God, our lives are going to end here,
424
00:25:23,315 --> 00:25:25,319
in the Ambassador's Lounge
near Robert Dyas.
425
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,434
The police are going to see my
brown pants, and they don't match!
426
00:25:28,435 --> 00:25:30,571
What are we going to do?
427
00:25:30,572 --> 00:25:32,639
Erm... all right, listen.
428
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,754
I've got a plan, but it involves
a certain amount of acting...
429
00:25:36,755 --> 00:25:38,900
and you getting your ninnies out.
430
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,279
COCKNEY ACCENT: Get out, you slag!
431
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:46,314
I take you in off the streets
and this is how you repay me?
432
00:25:46,315 --> 00:25:48,911
Selling it on the side in the bogs!
433
00:25:48,912 --> 00:25:51,439
This is a classy establishment.
434
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:56,474
I will not have brasses
dragging it down to the gutter!
435
00:25:56,475 --> 00:25:58,220
You're fired!
436
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,319
That was brilliant!
437
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,519
They totally bought it.
COCKNEY ACCENT: Come on!
438
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,834
I'm going to stay in cockney till
the train, if it's all the same.
439
00:26:06,835 --> 00:26:08,700
Let's get aht o' here!
440
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:15,580
How... how come he's got Visa
Electron, then, if he ain't 18?
441
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,919
I'm scared, Rhons.
442
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:24,634
Like, more than when I saw
Paranormal Activity 4 on my own
443
00:26:24,635 --> 00:26:28,580
and that old man tried to
talk to me. I know, mate.
444
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,300
Listen...
445
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,794
...thanks for saving me today.
Seriously, you were amazing.
446
00:26:38,795 --> 00:26:41,399
You don't have to say that.
No, I mean it.
447
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,714
For a second or two,
I honestly felt like I was being
448
00:26:43,715 --> 00:26:46,354
chucked out the Queen Vic
by Barbara Windsor.
449
00:26:46,355 --> 00:26:48,079
Thank you!
450
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,500
That is the highest compliment
you can pay an actor.
451
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,714
We'll be all right if we just
stick together, yeah?
452
00:26:56,715 --> 00:26:58,860
Yeah. Come here.
453
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:04,940
By the way, um, if I tell you
something, please don't shout at me.
454
00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:12,114
W- what is it? Well, you know
my Boots card with my name on it?
455
00:27:12,115 --> 00:27:16,660
Mm... I... didn't cut it up.
456
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:23,154
OK. Um, let's cut it up
now, shall we?
457
00:27:23,155 --> 00:27:27,154
And I lost it, with my purse,
458
00:27:27,155 --> 00:27:29,900
in my bag.
459
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,279
Right.
460
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,180
And I think I know where it is.
461
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,494
I will come with you
and wait outside.
462
00:27:55,495 --> 00:27:58,100
Well, you're going to
have to come armed.
463
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:02,694
Ha... Hiya!
464
00:28:02,695 --> 00:28:04,319
Mate? It's me.
465
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,700
We got him. And I mean
we fucking got him.
466
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:13,494
I know your little secret, Mystique.
467
00:28:13,495 --> 00:28:15,860
Your name isn't Mystique
at all, is it?
467
00:28:16,305 --> 00:29:16,319
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