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1
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,156
Here it is, gentlemen.
The big problem.
2
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,039
13-13 Experimental Battery.
3
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,052
I can tell you now,
we've had orders
4
00:01:42,053 --> 00:01:43,670
to solve it from the top seat.
5
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,717
You mean WC?
6
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,110
WC. The top seat.
7
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,197
As you know, we've
tried everything.
8
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,432
Brilliance, outstanding
personality, sheer naked courage.
9
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,352
The time has come to
try something else.
10
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,797
- Oh? And what's that, sir?
- Sheer bloody ignorance.
11
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,196
How long are you going
to be, then... sir?
12
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,671
How long? When one is sent
for by one's brigadier
13
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,020
to discuss a mission
which is so hush hush
14
00:02:11,021 --> 00:02:13,391
that even oneself doesn't
know what it is,
15
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:14,785
one might be hours.
16
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:17,394
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
17
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:18,563
I beg your pardon?
18
00:02:18,564 --> 00:02:20,837
Permission to pop
down the NAAFI, sir.
19
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,277
Corporal, the enemy is poised
to strike across the Channel.
20
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,408
The country is
fighting for its life
21
00:02:26,409 --> 00:02:28,400
and you want to pop
down the NAAFI?
22
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,285
Well, in that case,
I'll forget it.
23
00:02:30,286 --> 00:02:31,757
I'm very pleased to hear it.
24
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,797
I beg your pardon... sir.
25
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,231
Who are you, and what the
devil are you doing?
26
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,277
Captain Melly reporting, sir.
27
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,955
Brush yourself down. Follow
me to the conference room.
28
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,756
All right. All right.
Why the bloody fanfare?
29
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,071
Watch it, mate. New
commanding officer.
30
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:06,833
Blimey.
31
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,120
Corporal... that man. He
was wearing lipstick.
32
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,157
Lipstick, sir? Where?
33
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,711
On his face. Where do you think?
34
00:03:16,712 --> 00:03:18,312
It must be a burn or a scar, sir.
35
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,995
- I hope you're right.
- So do I.
36
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,391
Frilly curtains?
Baskets of flowers?
37
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:25,994
- Brassieres?
- Pardon, sir?
38
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,470
- Knickers.
- Same to you... sir.
39
00:03:51,946 --> 00:03:52,946
Captain Melly.
40
00:03:52,947 --> 00:03:55,437
No, you must have come
to the wrong place.
41
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,193
My name's Bull.
42
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,317
No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.
43
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,040
Pity. Have a drink.
44
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,998
Now, look here, Bull.
I'm your relief.
45
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,146
And there are certain
things that...
46
00:04:06,147 --> 00:04:07,147
My relief?
47
00:04:07,148 --> 00:04:09,389
Oh, you little beauty.
48
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,000
I could kiss you.
49
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,959
My re... Oooh, my relief.
50
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,033
I've got to go. My relief...
51
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,680
He actually kissed me.
52
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,440
My case.
53
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,193
I say.
54
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:28,999
My case.
55
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,916
Welcome to 13-13
Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir.
56
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,397
All right.
57
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,040
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
sir. "Tiger" to the troops.
58
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,679
I can do that.
59
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,744
Sergeant Major Bloomer,
do you think...?
60
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:54,745
Sir?
61
00:04:54,746 --> 00:04:56,159
- Get inside.
- Me, sir?
62
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,664
Yes, you. Sir. Get
inside at the double.
63
00:04:58,665 --> 00:04:59,665
Hargh.
64
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:10,994
Drop your trousers.
65
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,152
But, sir, we has only just met.
66
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,233
Drop 'em. That's an order.
67
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,515
Hah.
68
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,391
- I see.
- Do you, sir?
69
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,558
Sergeant Major, may I
ask you a question?
70
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,758
Sir, may I pull up my trousers?
71
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,230
What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.
72
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,277
What I want to know is...
73
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,352
what men in this
unit would wear the
74
00:05:49,353 --> 00:05:51,559
kind of underwear I've
seen on the line?
75
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,438
Good Lord.
76
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,477
Some of them are
wearing skirts too.
77
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,677
They is not men, sir.
78
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,717
Well, what the blazes are they?
79
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,237
Women, sir.
80
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,357
You mean, female?
81
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,478
Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?
82
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,712
This is one of these
new mixed batteries.
83
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,193
So, that's what the
brigadier meant when he
84
00:06:16,194 --> 00:06:18,477
said that this battery
was an experiment.
85
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,439
Experiment, sir? They does
not need to experiment.
86
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,433
They gets at it right
away and all the time.
87
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,437
All right, then. Section, halt.
88
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,871
Oh, come on. Come on.
Put each other down.
89
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,877
Hang about. Hang about.
90
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,192
We don't want to give our new
CO the right idea, do we?
91
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,636
Right, right turn.
92
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,591
- What's next?
- Right dress, Leonard.
93
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,558
Oh, yeah. Er... right dress.
94
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,953
Two inches shorter and he
could see right up my skirt.
95
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,920
- What's your name, Sergeant?
- Willing, sir.
96
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,957
- And yours?
- Able, sir.
97
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,714
Well, Willing and Able,
will you kindly tell me
98
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,875
why it is necessary
for you all to be
99
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:25,840
squashed up like
sardines in a tin?
100
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,991
It's just our way of
keeping warm, sir.
101
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,037
On the hottest day of the year?
102
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,191
We've known it hotter
than this, sir.
103
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,718
Dress properly. What do you
think this is? A love parade?
104
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,759
Hee-hee-hee. Very witty, sir.
105
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,514
You speak when you're
spoken to. Do you hear me?
106
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,479
Adjust your dress.
107
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,757
No, no, no. One
arm's length apart.
108
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,074
Did you demonstrate
this, Sergeant Major?
109
00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:54,075
Frequently, sir.
110
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,077
- Then do it again on me.
- Hah.
111
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,237
Parade. Doing as I do.
112
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,630
Right dress.
113
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:07,315
As you were. Watch me.
Watch me. Right dress.
114
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,911
Doing as I do. As you
were. As you were.
115
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,038
Did you not you see what I was
doing? Right dress. As you were.
116
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:17,557
Not as they were. Leave them
as they are, Sergeant Major.
117
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,950
But, sir, as they are
is horrible, sir.
118
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,874
You're ruining my
shoulder, Sergeant.
119
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,917
Sorry, sir.
120
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,957
It comes of gripping balls, sir.
121
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,396
Always has one of
these to hand, sir.
122
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,682
Fingers of steel, sir.
Fingers of steel.
123
00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:34,191
Put it away. Let's get
on with the inspection.
124
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,195
You up there, what's your name?
125
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,237
Oh, erm... Ready, sir.
126
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,073
Ready.
127
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,550
Ready, Willing and Able.
128
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,996
This is ridiculous.
129
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,509
- What are you doing?
- Twitching, sir.
130
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,877
I can see that, Sergeant Major,
but why is he twitching?
131
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,997
It's my woor-uhhhhh...
132
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,549
Woorghhhh. It's my nerves, sir.
133
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,597
Trying to twitch your ticket?
134
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,360
Well, it won't work, Bombardier.
135
00:09:11,361 --> 00:09:13,356
You're in the Army
for the duration.
136
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,397
Twitch your way out of that.
137
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,199
Oohhh... eerrrggh.
138
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,476
Ready.
139
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,517
Twitch off.
140
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,512
It's wasted on me, boy.
141
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,557
Good Lord.
142
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,557
Good heavens.
143
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,109
Good man. And what's your name?
144
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,079
Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse,
sir. It's my name.
145
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,917
And what is your name, my man?
146
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,957
Er... woman?
147
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,079
Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir. The Sharpe
148
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:44,920
with an E and two
Fs in the Ffoukes.
149
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,195
How do you do?
150
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,311
She too is a ball squeezer, sir.
151
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:55,837
Do your shoelace up and look
sharp about it, Sharpe.
152
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,549
- Ooooh.
- Oh, Tiger.
153
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,597
I think you're wonderful.
154
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,354
When are you going to savage me?
155
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,796
If only you was a man,
I would sort you out.
156
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,597
Well... you seem to have
put your foot in it.
157
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,878
Not so much my foot,
sir. More my big toe.
158
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,394
What's wrong with it?
159
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,917
Sprained it, sir, didn't I? When
I... erm... fell out of bed.
160
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,834
- Pushed out of bed more like.
- Pushed out?
161
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,355
What are you laughing at?
162
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,995
Well, I'm happy, sir.
163
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,834
Happy? What, here?
164
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,072
He might have sprained
something else, mightn't he?
165
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,720
Are you trying to
be funny, Gunner?
166
00:10:42,721 --> 00:10:43,721
Me, sir?
167
00:10:43,722 --> 00:10:45,716
You, sir. Why are you
blinking like that?
168
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,474
- I'm not blinking, sir. You are.
- I never blink.
169
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,916
- Neither do I, sir.
- You blinking well do.
170
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,676
Sergeant Major, which one
of us two is blinking here?
171
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,752
There is only one
blinking man blinking
172
00:10:56,753 --> 00:10:58,595
here, Gunner, and
that's bloody you.
173
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,239
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
174
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,079
And if I catch you again on parade
175
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,200
wearing my moustache...
that moustache,
176
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,795
you'll be on charge for
impersonating an officer.
177
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:08,840
Ooooh.
178
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,718
Later, sir. Later.
179
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:12,796
Who are you?
180
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:13,930
Easy, sir.
181
00:11:13,931 --> 00:11:17,079
Quite possibly. What's your name?
182
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,356
That is it, sir. Alice Easy.
183
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,840
Oh.
184
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:23,480
Well, do your top button up.
185
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,517
I can't. They won't let me.
186
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,195
- Who? Who won't let you?
- Them.
187
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,709
Oh, nonsense. Do 'em
up... erm... it up.
188
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,353
Good gracious me. Stand to
attention, you're on parade.
189
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,033
Put those shoulders back.
190
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,919
Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.
191
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,957
Regular?
192
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,680
- I've been regular for 18 years.
- Oh, good.
193
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,992
That means I can have
it back tomorrow.
194
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,780
You'll have it back
when I'm ready.
195
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:54,781
That's all right.
196
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,911
No need to strain yourself.
197
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,960
You are a shower.
198
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,435
A shambling shower.
199
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,752
And I mean to shake you
up more than somewhat.
200
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,797
- Sergeant Major?
- Hah.
201
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,635
Dismiss this shambling
shower from my sight.
202
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:22,870
Hah.
203
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,316
Parade. Right turn.
204
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,357
As you were. As you were.
205
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,352
You stupid f...
206
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,798
How is I expected to use the
proper words with women present?
207
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,837
Never mind. Never mind.
208
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,957
Just f...
209
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,315
Forget it.
210
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,032
Go away.
211
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,560
Ah, yes, sir. They gives
me a headache too.
212
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,792
It's not a headache. It's the
stomach. There's a button in it.
213
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,157
What you might now call a belly
button, sir. Hee-hee hee-hee.
214
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,197
Oh, shut up.
215
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,177
20 year I've been a
sergeant major and
216
00:13:11,178 --> 00:13:12,830
nobody told me to shut up before.
217
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,151
I is the person what tells
people to shut up, sir...
218
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,072
- Shut up.
- Hah.
219
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,157
Now, Sergeant Major,
220
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,456
what, in your opinion,
is the thing most
221
00:13:24,457 --> 00:13:26,996
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
222
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,473
Well?
223
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,036
What's the matter with you,
man? Have you been struck dumb?
224
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,873
- I asked you a question.
- Sir.
225
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,338
Have I got permission
to break the silence?
226
00:13:40,339 --> 00:13:41,476
Of course you have.
227
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,200
Very well, sir. Kindly
repeat the question.
228
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,103
I repeat, what in your
opinion, is the thing most
229
00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:51,832
calculated to make things
hot for this shower?
230
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,071
- Only one thing in my book, sir.
- Yes. Yes.
231
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,800
- Firing squad.
- Ah, yes. That's it.
232
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,195
What sort of a suggestion
is that, Sergeant Major?
233
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,920
The only one I has to offer.
I has tried everything else.
234
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,374
Well, thank you. That's
been a great help.
235
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:08,472
I shall have to think
for both of us.
236
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,917
I've got it.
237
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,550
- We're going to have an air raid.
- My God, sir. They will panic.
238
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,836
- This is just a practise.
- They'll still panic.
239
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,877
Yes, they will, won't they?
240
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,917
- The wind.
- Not me, sir.
241
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,396
No, Sergeant Major.
The wind is what
242
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:26,791
you and me are going
to put up them.
243
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,686
Gives me the wind
just to look at it.
244
00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:31,687
Leonard...
245
00:14:31,688 --> 00:14:33,159
- What?
- I've got this feeling.
246
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,550
There's a time and a
place for everything.
247
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,872
- Not that kind of feeling.
- I didn't know you had any other.
248
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,077
No. Listen.
249
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,810
I've got this feeling
that that new
250
00:14:42,811 --> 00:14:44,551
bloke's going to
make trouble for us.
251
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,394
That pipsqueaker? He's too
little to be awkward.
252
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,837
Squash him into the ground.
Not worried about him.
253
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,877
I'm more worried about this.
254
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,412
Do we eat it or rub it in?
255
00:14:54,413 --> 00:14:57,159
You can bounce it off the
ceiling for all I care.
256
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,677
Right, Sergeant Major. They should
be starting on their pudding.
257
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,632
Now. Now, Sergeant Major.
258
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,473
- Sir?
- I said now.
259
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,517
- There is no need to shout, sir.
- What?
260
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,593
- There's no need to shout.
- What are you mumbling about?
261
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,717
- There's no need to shout.
- Who is?
262
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,314
- I said now.
- Hah.
263
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,957
Here. What's that?
264
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,158
- No, it can't be.
- It can't be what?
265
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,119
- What I think it is.
- What do you think it is?
266
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,635
It's an air raid.
267
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,751
Get a move on.
268
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,592
I'll say one thing for
them, Sergeant Major...
269
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,637
they certainly know how to run.
270
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,781
Oh, yes, indeed,
sir. Of course, they
271
00:15:56,782 --> 00:15:58,680
is running in the wrong direction.
272
00:15:58,760 --> 00:15:59,760
What?
273
00:15:59,761 --> 00:16:02,117
The gun emplacement
is over there, sir.
274
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,563
Well, why are they
running that way, then?
275
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,876
Air raid shelter, sir.
276
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,344
They built it. They
calls it the snoggery.
277
00:16:08,345 --> 00:16:09,345
I don't care.
278
00:16:09,346 --> 00:16:12,557
There's an air raid on. This is
an anti-aircraft battery unit.
279
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,597
Is it?
280
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,196
Rat-a-tat tat. Rat-a-tat tat.
281
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,677
Bang.
282
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,195
Bang.
283
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,679
I could have sworn
someone said "bang".
284
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,276
Oh, Leonard. Ooh,
what a lovely idea.
285
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,796
Lovely.
286
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,190
I said bang.
287
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,956
You heard what the officer said,
you horrible shower. He said bang.
288
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,157
Don't you realise
there's an air raid on?
289
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,994
Course we do.
290
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,480
Well, then?
291
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,455
Well, you shouldn't
be out in it. Come in
292
00:16:58,456 --> 00:17:00,395
here with us, sir.
There's plenty of room.
293
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,234
Yes, do join us, Tiger.
294
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,597
I'm not coming in there.
You are coming out here.
295
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,275
With an air raid on?
There's ladies present.
296
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,296
You can't have them
out in an air raid.
297
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:12,297
No, you can't.
298
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:15,119
There is no air raid.
299
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,954
- But you said there was.
- It's a mock air raid.
300
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,032
Oooh.
301
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,635
I mocked it and you
made a mockery of it.
302
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,997
That's nice, isn't
it? You're having a
303
00:17:25,998 --> 00:17:28,158
mockery while we're
having our grub.
304
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,698
I was just enjoying
my spotted dick.
305
00:17:30,699 --> 00:17:31,699
Yeah.
306
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,831
Shut up.
307
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,833
All right. Carry on,
Sergeant Major.
308
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,389
- Carry on what, sir?
- Get 'em out. Get 'em out.
309
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,199
Sir.
310
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,476
Right.
311
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,951
Get outside on the double. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
312
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,997
Get the lead out of your pants.
313
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,560
Knickers, Tiger. Knickers.
314
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,074
What?
315
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,594
Ladies wear knickers.
316
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,230
Pants or knickers,
shift your ar...
317
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,118
What's inside 'em.
318
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,080
Now, look... 20 years I've
worn this crown on my sleeve.
319
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,711
You wouldn't like to be the cause
of me losing it, would you?
320
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,315
I mean, after all
that... serving...
321
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,960
of King and country.
322
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,953
Oh, Tiger...
323
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,459
You all heard what
the sergeant major
324
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:22,069
said. All out. Or I'll
break you in two.
325
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,352
In two lines. Move
yourselves. Move yourselves.
326
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,954
Come on. Come on. Come on.
327
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,439
Now, you dozy lot,
328
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,809
when I say "man the
gun," I want you
329
00:18:44,810 --> 00:18:46,912
to double off to the emplacement.
330
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,720
Now, man the gun.
331
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,513
Oh, for heaven's sake. All
right. Woman the gun as well.
332
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:05,800
Come on, you Brownies. Let's have
you. Knees up, knees up, knees up.
333
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,040
Load.
334
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,276
- Sergeant Major.
- Hah.
335
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,917
What the blue-blank-blazes
is that?
336
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,679
It's a gun, sir.
337
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,353
It's made of wood.
338
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,999
It's not a real gun yet, sir.
339
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,555
A gun emplacement
without a real gun?
340
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:35,109
With respect, sir.
Remember there's a war on.
341
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,157
Real guns is hard to come by.
342
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,914
Permission to carry on
with the gun drill. Fire.
343
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,275
Bang.
344
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,350
What the devil's going on now?
345
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,875
We're dead, sir. A round
exploded in the breach.
346
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,429
It's the ammunition
we're being sent.
347
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,317
Anything wrong, sir?
348
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,440
- You've gone white.
- It's that damn button.
349
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,876
Are you taken short, sir?
350
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:04,192
Keep your voice down,
Sergeant Major.
351
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,554
You just carry on doing
whatever it is you're doing.
352
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,190
No.2 detachment, take post.
353
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:17,957
Go to bearing 90-2E-20.
354
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,470
Halt.
355
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:32,270
Now, this time, just for
me, let us get it right.
356
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,916
Parade... dis-miss.
357
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,194
That was lovely. Good.
Thank you very much.
358
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,237
Get out of my sight.
359
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,796
That includes you, Ffoukes
Sharpe. Look sharp.
360
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,152
Silly boy.
361
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:00,680
Aarrghh.
362
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,990
You may not frighten the
enemy, Sergeant Major,
363
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,675
but, by heaven, you
certainly frighten me.
364
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,753
It's not my fault,
sir. That was hers.
365
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,322
It was entirely hers, sir.
366
00:21:13,323 --> 00:21:15,714
What are you talking
about? Whose fault?
367
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,269
Oh, Tiger.
368
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,037
Private Ffoukes Sharpe,
sir... is after me.
369
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,349
After you? What for?
370
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,070
- She has designs on me, sir.
- Get this bloody thing off me.
371
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,038
Sir.
372
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,002
Oh, I sees your predicament, sir.
373
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,551
And I feel it. Get it off.
374
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,597
Steady, sir. Resist me.
375
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,639
Resist me, sir.
376
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,279
You is not resisting.
377
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,670
Pulling out.
378
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,229
Sergeant Major, we're
getting nowhere fast.
379
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,757
Perhaps you should er...
clench your cheeks, sir.
380
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,752
They are clenched.
381
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,877
That is true, sir. Forward march.
382
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,520
Right. Clench the table, sir.
383
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,559
Now, grit your teeth and we
will have it off in a minute.
384
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,996
A bit of leverage.
385
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,080
Aaaaahh.
386
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,759
Brace yourself, sir.
387
00:22:13,919 --> 00:22:14,919
Is it off?
388
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,414
Can't you feel the
difference, sir?
389
00:22:16,415 --> 00:22:17,415
No.
390
00:22:17,416 --> 00:22:18,957
It must be your bum is numb.
391
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,957
Permission to unumb bum, sir.
392
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,997
Get on with it.
393
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,355
Aarrghh.
394
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,751
That will soon bring the blood
back to your cheeks, sir.
395
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,514
Cruel to be kind, sir.
Cruel to be kind.
396
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,069
If you're going to talk about
being cruel to be kind,
397
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,010
you may as well know,
that as far as
398
00:22:36,011 --> 00:22:37,710
that shower outside is concerned,
399
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,757
that I intend to be
cruel to be cruel.
400
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,350
- I is very worried, sir.
- You is very worried.
401
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,180
I is worried about you, sir.
402
00:22:48,181 --> 00:22:50,673
Thank you, Sergeant
Major. Very decent.
403
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,753
I think you is going to cause
trouble and they will not like it.
404
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,845
The likes and dislikes
of the men under
405
00:22:55,846 --> 00:22:57,800
my command are neither
here nor there.
406
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,351
Sir, if you does not know the
difference between here nor there,
407
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,194
you does not know the difference
between men and women.
408
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,237
Some of the men in
this camp is women.
409
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,233
They are all men to me.
410
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:12,154
Oooh, I wish they was,
sir. I wish they was.
411
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,709
I'd have them saluting till
their arms dropped off.
412
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,971
I'd run them till their
legs dropped off and
413
00:23:16,972 --> 00:23:19,238
I'd rant and roar till
their ears dropped off.
414
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,009
As from tomorrow, I
intend to start a
415
00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:26,839
series of what I call
my agony parades.
416
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,306
In that case, sir,
tomorrow morning, the only
417
00:23:30,307 --> 00:23:32,359
parade you is likely
to see is sick parade.
418
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,071
- Right. Who's first?
- A.
419
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,929
What do you think
these are, Nurse?
420
00:23:39,930 --> 00:23:40,930
Come on, then.
421
00:23:40,931 --> 00:23:42,757
Oh. Oh, Nurse.
422
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,991
Oh, Nurse. I need assistance.
423
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,039
Oooh. Oh. Oh.
424
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,436
All right. Drop your trousers.
425
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,718
But, sir, it's my ears,
my nose, my throat...
426
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,897
My throat and my knees.
My feet... oooohh.
427
00:23:57,898 --> 00:23:59,714
I'll be the judge
of that. Drop 'em.
428
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,560
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
429
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,151
Right. Next.
430
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,315
Here, Shaw. What
did he say to you?
431
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:35,076
He said, "Drop your trousers," had
a look and gave me two aspirins.
432
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,248
What sort of a doctor's
he? Here we are
433
00:24:37,249 --> 00:24:39,598
pretending we've got
different complaints...
434
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:41,990
Hey, Shorthouse, what
did he say to you?
435
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,231
He said, "Drop your
trousers," had a look...
436
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,472
- And he gave you two aspirins.
- No, he gave me half an aspirin.
437
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,200
- All right, drop your trousers.
- Aaaerrhhee.
438
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,000
I was...
439
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,117
Haabbeeerrr.
440
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,079
Have you noticed anything
strange about me, sir?
441
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,039
Yes, you haven't dropped your
trousers. Two aspirins, Nurse.
442
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,077
Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
443
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,025
Hey, he told me to
drop my trousers
444
00:25:06,026 --> 00:25:07,631
and he gave me two of these...
445
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,677
aschooo... sprins.
446
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,791
All right. Drop 'em.
447
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,880
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
448
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,030
- Where are they?
- They is all sick, sir.
449
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:28,510
- All of them?
- I told sir so, did not I, sir?
450
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,353
Hee-hee hee-hee.
451
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:33,194
Well, never mind. I've
had a word with the MO.
452
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,671
Those are my orders.
453
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,798
Right, Sergeant Major. Let
them know that we're here.
454
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:47,351
13-13 Battery, get on parade.
455
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,596
I want you to run
them into the ground.
456
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,637
What about the females, sir?
457
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,394
As far as I'm concerned,
this is a unit. One piece.
458
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,631
My duty is to make it
an efficient unit.
459
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,952
I am unaware of males or females.
To me, they're all alike.
460
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,680
They are the same.
Right, Sergeant Major?
461
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,035
Give 'em hell.
462
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,591
Ahaaah. Come on.
463
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,439
That is not the way.
464
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,277
That is not the way. When one of
your comrades is a short arse,
465
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,692
like Shorthouse here, a taller man
466
00:26:20,693 --> 00:26:23,230
climbs up on him.
Down, Shorthouse.
467
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,597
- But, Sergeant Major.
- Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me.
468
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,637
Get down. Watch me.
469
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,279
Right. Steady. Up.
470
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,277
Give me your hand.
471
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,078
Now, pay attention.
472
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,436
You cannot go under the wire.
473
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,273
You has to go over the wire,
474
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:50,559
which means that one of you
has to lie on top of the wire
475
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,916
and let the rest of
them walk over him.
476
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,917
Right. One volunteer.
477
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,753
- You.
- Me?
478
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,797
Move yourself.
479
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,160
That is not the way. That
is not the way. Fall out.
480
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:05,240
Move yourself.
481
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,237
Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh.
482
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,840
Charge.
483
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,317
Next.
484
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,630
No, no, no, no, no.
That is not the way.
485
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,677
You must not stop to think.
486
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,295
Are you sure this rope's
safe, Sergeant Major?
487
00:27:28,296 --> 00:27:30,312
Safe? Of course it's
safe. Watch me.
488
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:37,997
Well done, Sergeant Major.
489
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,311
Fingers of steel, boy.
Fingers of steel.
490
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,037
Right.
491
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,077
Right, Gunner. Your turn now.
492
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,317
Drown the lot of you.
493
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,517
Sergeant Major...
494
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,796
Yes, ungrateful...
495
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,357
Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up.
496
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,397
On your feet...
497
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,790
I'm talking to you,
Sergeant Major.
498
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,918
- Sergeant Major.
- What are you up to, boy?
499
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,032
- Come on.
- Serge... Sergeant Major.
500
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,197
- Oh, it's you, sir.
- God.
501
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,197
Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?
502
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,556
You sort of walked into
my nightmare, sir.
503
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,075
I thought you were short
arse, sir. I'm sorry.
504
00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,237
And so you damn well
should be, man.
505
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,756
- You dropped your hat, sir.
- Where is it?
506
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,797
Right, Sergeant Major.
507
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:43,168
Sergeant Major, now
you're on your feet,
508
00:28:43,169 --> 00:28:45,511
I'm going to blast
their blasted evening.
509
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,991
- What have you got in mind, sir?
- A surprise kit inspection.
510
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,037
Men's hut first.
511
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,077
? Tango
512
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,711
- Get those pants down.
- Not bloody likely.
513
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,397
? Tango
514
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,411
Having a musical soiree, are they?
515
00:29:15,412 --> 00:29:17,240
Sounds more like a tango, sir.
516
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,277
Oh, come on, Sergeant Major.
517
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:22,760
Aarrghh.
518
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:26,799
Enemy approaching.
519
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,475
Operation Scarper.
520
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:37,394
You is covered in...
something distasteful.
521
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:38,513
I'm aware of that.
522
00:29:38,514 --> 00:29:40,632
Are you going to
change or what, sir?
523
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,677
I mean, there's...
a bit of a pong.
524
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,157
Sergeant Major, when I start
something, I go through with it,
525
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,197
come hell and high water.
526
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,237
And whatever this is.
527
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,394
Tell them I'm here.
528
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,430
Commanding officer.
529
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,116
Your nostrils, Sergeant.
530
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,193
My nostrils, sir?
531
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,636
They're twitching.
532
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:31,713
It's like, suddenly,
there's a funny
533
00:30:31,714 --> 00:30:33,760
sort of smell come
into the hut, sir.
534
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,076
Why do you think
that is, Sergeant?
535
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:40,720
Well, it's like suddenly...
536
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,031
someone's come in
who's covered with...
537
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,720
Ooh, something nasty, sir.
538
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:49,757
Yes, someone is.
539
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:51,840
Me.
540
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,997
Now, Sergeant...
541
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,950
how do you suppose that occurred?
542
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,157
I...
543
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:07,197
I can't say, sir.
544
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,636
- I can. Trip wire.
- A trip wire, sir?
545
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:13,077
It tripped me right in it.
546
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,355
- Right into the...?
- Yes.
547
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,349
How do you suppose...
548
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:25,511
it got there?
549
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,557
What, you mean the er...?
550
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,061
You know the officer
means the trip wire.
551
00:31:30,062 --> 00:31:32,317
I'm doing the talking,
Sergeant Major.
552
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,357
Well?
553
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,077
Well...
554
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:46,037
Well, sir, that... that is a
trap for Nazi paratroopers, sir.
555
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,032
Am I a Nazi paratrooper?
556
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,271
No. No, sir. You're one of us.
557
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,272
I think.
558
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:53,794
Explain yourself, Sergeant.
559
00:31:53,880 --> 00:32:00,639
Well, sir, in this hut, we are
usually otherwise engaged.
560
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:02,871
You know, kipping and
things like that.
561
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,290
And... well, we
thought some sort of
562
00:32:05,291 --> 00:32:07,557
early warning system
was necessary.
563
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,280
I mean, you can't trust
that Hitler, can you, sir?
564
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:13,478
And this unit prides itself
on being ever ready.
565
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:14,560
Yes, Sergeant?
566
00:32:14,561 --> 00:32:16,439
Bombardier Ready, I
wasn't talking to you.
567
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,752
I am addressing the
commanding officer.
568
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,675
What is that man doing sitting at
attention on that man's shoulders?
569
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,633
Well, sir. That's presence
of an officer, sir.
570
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,913
But why sitting on
someone's shoulders?
571
00:32:30,914 --> 00:32:33,158
Sir, Shorthouse has a
fine head of hair.
572
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,248
We use him to keep
the cobwebs down.
573
00:32:35,249 --> 00:32:37,473
Ready, give the officer
a demonstration.
574
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:39,711
My head. Ow, my head.
He's banging it.
575
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,793
Careful. You're banging my... Ow.
576
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,236
You're off balance.
577
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,710
Enough of that. Enough of
that. Get down, that man.
578
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,120
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
579
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:52,398
Stand by your beds. This is an
inspection. Move yourselves.
580
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,119
Come on. At the double.
581
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,840
Get properly dressed.
Do yourself up. Lad.
582
00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:00,550
Do your flies up, that man.
Your brains is catching cold.
583
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,916
Lay it out. Lay it out.
584
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,110
Hang properly to
attention, that man.
585
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,321
You call that laying it out?
586
00:33:14,322 --> 00:33:16,395
Give us a minute, Sergeant Major.
587
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,632
Never mind that, Sergeant
Major. What the devil is this?
588
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:23,794
Ah. Yes, sir. You see, those,
sir, are ear muffs, sir.
589
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:26,031
A trophy of war, that is, sir.
590
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,191
Ear muffs? Trophy of war?
591
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,368
Captured from one
of them German ATS
592
00:33:30,369 --> 00:33:32,513
during the retreat
from Dunkirk, sir.
593
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,796
It says "Made in England".
594
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:35,950
Atishoo.
595
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,997
Who's that sneezing
up in the loft?
596
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,080
Him, sir.
597
00:33:39,081 --> 00:33:41,278
It couldn't have been.
I've seen you talking.
598
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,518
Yeah.
599
00:33:42,519 --> 00:33:45,991
He was talking and then...
then he sneezed, sir.
600
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,037
I didn't see him.
601
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:51,591
No, sir. I would never sneeze
in the presence of an officer.
602
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:55,720
So, he sort of... He threw his
sneeze up... up into the loft.
603
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,918
- Didn't you, Ready?
- Yes, Sergeant.
604
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,993
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Oh, no, sir. Church of England.
605
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,071
Do you pursue the
ventriloquial art?
606
00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,340
In an amateurish sort
of way, yes, sir.
607
00:34:08,341 --> 00:34:09,341
Do it again.
608
00:34:09,342 --> 00:34:11,078
Er... again.
609
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:13,595
You mean. You want me to...
610
00:34:13,680 --> 00:34:17,356
throw my voice and sneeze
up in the loft again?
611
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,397
- Sir.
- Yes.
612
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,437
- Atishoo.
- I saw your lips move.
613
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,477
- I didn't.
- I did distinctly.
614
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,837
I should give it up, if I were
you. You're not very good at it.
615
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,440
The state of this hut's
not very good either.
616
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,079
In fact, it's horrible.
617
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:37,305
In the time it takes me to shower,
618
00:34:37,306 --> 00:34:39,791
you shower will clean
this place up.
619
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,023
I want this floor
polished from wall to
620
00:34:42,024 --> 00:34:44,113
wall. Under the beds.
Round the stove.
621
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,237
Polish it everywhere.
622
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,398
I want it so that I can
see my face in it.
623
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:57,790
You heard what the officer
said. Get on with it.
624
00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,952
No. No. No. Something
has got to be done.
625
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:04,756
- I know what he wants.
- What does he want?
626
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:06,991
He wants us to polish
the floor, sarge.
627
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:20,033
Phoooorrr.
628
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:22,077
He's in it again.
629
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:32,114
You...
630
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,593
You... you... aarrgghhhhh.
631
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:47,156
What has happened?
632
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,410
He went through so
fast, I think he
633
00:35:49,411 --> 00:35:51,519
might have been taken short again.
634
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,035
Yes. A nasty friction
burn you've got there.
635
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:56,271
What have you been
doing? Arsing about?
636
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,398
A drop of calamine will soon
get to the bottom of this one.
637
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,323
I will cancel the
route march, sir.
638
00:36:01,324 --> 00:36:02,632
You'll do no such thing.
639
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:05,655
No choice, sir. Your
uniforms is at the cleaners.
640
00:36:05,656 --> 00:36:06,953
I know that. Arrghh.
641
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,048
You cannot go on a
route march in your
642
00:36:09,049 --> 00:36:11,159
underpants and with a
burnt bum to boot.
643
00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,445
Get me a battledress,
Sergeant Major,
644
00:36:13,446 --> 00:36:15,359
from battalion stores, you fool.
645
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:19,116
I've already rung the stores and
there's nothing in your size, sir.
646
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,157
This is a bit near
the ground, Melly.
647
00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:22,721
Get me a battledress, Sergeant
648
00:36:22,722 --> 00:36:24,597
Major. I don't care
how, but get it.
649
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:25,875
Sir.
650
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,432
What does he expect me to do?
Knit him one? The short arse...
651
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,150
That's it. Short arse.
652
00:36:39,240 --> 00:36:41,914
Little Gunner Shorthouse.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
653
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,390
My best battledress,
Sergeant Major?
654
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,234
Do not bandy words
with me, lovely boy.
655
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:50,199
Or I will raise my right leg
six inches from the ground,
656
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,840
place my No.10 firmly on
the top of your head,
657
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:56,118
and press you straight
through the floorboards.
658
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:57,200
Nice.
659
00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,160
Best walking-out battledress,
short arse, please.
660
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,675
What if he wants to go
walking out, Sergeant Major?
661
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:05,831
Then he will just have to stay in.
662
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,877
Oh, flipping heck.
663
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,557
Only one man round here
allowed to use bad
664
00:37:10,558 --> 00:37:13,274
language, Gunner, and
you is looking at him.
665
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,716
Get it out, lovely
boy. Get it out.
666
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:20,390
- Pardon?
- The battledress. Get it out.
667
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,437
Sergeant Major.
668
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:35,533
I do not know about
walking out in it. It
669
00:37:35,534 --> 00:37:37,594
looks like you've been
sleeping out in it.
670
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,195
Press it like it's never been
worn, stick three pips on,
671
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,352
bring it over the battery
office in ten minuets.
672
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:47,116
By the way, the whole of the mixed
section will parade at 0900 hours.
673
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,157
You is going walkies.
674
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:52,517
- Walkies?
- A route march. Hee-hee hee-hee.
675
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:55,888
I is looking forward
to seeing you off
676
00:37:55,889 --> 00:37:57,918
on them 12 foot-blistering miles.
677
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,924
I cannot wait to wish
you luck, as you
678
00:38:00,925 --> 00:38:03,473
wave me goodbye. Hee-hee hee-hee.
679
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:06,999
12 miles.
680
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,551
So you see, Tilly, I
wanted to ask your advice.
681
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,280
I mean, you being a
woman and all that.
682
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,317
- Oh, so you've noticed.
- Yes.
683
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:17,471
- A couple of times.
- Not now, Leonard.
684
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,552
We're on duty.
685
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:24,837
You see, the little perisher is
going to wear this on the march.
686
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,877
- Him?
- No, no. Not him. Him.
687
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,715
- Captain flipping S Melly.
- Oh, Smelly himself.
688
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:35,750
So, with all your knowledge
of erm... sewing and that,
689
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:40,517
what can we do to sabotage
Shorty's walking-outs?
690
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:42,876
I don't want anybody
sabotaging my walking-out.
691
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:47,273
A. It's either your
walking-outs or our feet.
692
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,796
Well, Till?
693
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:55,917
I don't know.
694
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,917
I just don't know.
695
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,173
Built to withstand all the
rigours of wars, these.
696
00:39:02,174 --> 00:39:04,029
But what are we going to do?
697
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,077
Wait a minute...
698
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,077
I'm waiting.
699
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,038
Anti-gas bleach.
700
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,794
- Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach?
701
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,395
Oh, Leonard. Get me some.
702
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:17,994
Ready. Get me some.
703
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:25,394
- Have you got a match?
- Yeah. Your...
704
00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:36,675
This'll make him hop a bit.
705
00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:49,999
Parade.
706
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:52,037
Right heel.
707
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,760
Parade, ready for
route march, sir.
708
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:06,797
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
709
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:19,679
Mixed section, move to the
left in column abrupt.
710
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:21,717
Left turn.
711
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:31,398
By the left, quick march.
712
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:38,390
Mixed section, halt.
713
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,672
What the devil do you think
you're doing, Sergeant Major?
714
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:49,594
Seeing you off, sir. Somebody
has to hold the fort.
715
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:52,275
A fort with only a wooden gun...
716
00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,596
doesn't need holding.
Fall in at the rear.
717
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,912
With respect, sir. I cannot do
route marches with my feet.
718
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,595
Well, you certainly can't
do one without them.
719
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,831
Hee-hee hee-hee.
720
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:05,877
- Fall in.
- Sir.
721
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,877
Mixed section and
Sergeant Major...
722
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:18,997
quick march.
723
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:58,036
You seems to have come
apart at the seams, sir.
724
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,434
Mixed section, halt.
725
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:22,877
Left turn.
726
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,631
- Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
727
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:13,030
- Put them all on a charge...
- Hah.
728
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,903
Every man, jack and woman of 'em.
729
00:43:15,904 --> 00:43:16,904
Sir.
730
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:20,277
You is all on a charge.
731
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:23,637
Er, what is the charge, sir?
732
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,477
Laughing...
733
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,517
on duty.
734
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,797
Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Left.
735
00:43:49,880 --> 00:43:51,837
Defaulters, halt.
736
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,149
Hats off.
737
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:57,594
- March them in, Sergeant Major.
- One at a time, sir?
738
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,957
They're all on the same charge.
I'll see them all together.
739
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:05,910
Sir. Defaulters, opposite sex
first. Single file. Double march.
740
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,435
Left, right. Left,
right. Move yourselves.
741
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,080
Left, right. Left,
right. Mark time.
742
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:12,773
Left, right. Left, right. Move
743
00:44:12,774 --> 00:44:14,870
yourselves. Left,
right. Left, right.
744
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:16,952
Halt.
745
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:19,799
Where are you, sir?
746
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:25,271
Over here, Sergeant Major.
747
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:29,194
Can't see you, sir.
Raise your hand, sir.
748
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,837
Will you kindly remove your...?
749
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:36,957
I can't. I'm squashed.
750
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:39,794
Take a deep breath,
Ffoukes... Ffoukes Sharpe.
751
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:47,600
Oh, never mind where I am,
Sergeant Major. Read the charge.
752
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:50,213
Hargh. Defaulters
did, whilst on duty,
753
00:44:50,214 --> 00:44:52,357
indulge in unauthorised laughter
754
00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,617
in contravention of
King's regulations
755
00:44:54,618 --> 00:44:56,514
and War Office instructions, sir.
756
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,835
I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't er...
We couldn't quite catch that.
757
00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:07,517
Will you kindly remove
those things from my...?
758
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:10,638
I said you're all confined
to camp for two weeks.
759
00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:13,440
Carry on. Sergeant Major.
760
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:16,718
Sir. About turn.
761
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:19,113
Double march. Left,
right. Left, right.
762
00:45:19,114 --> 00:45:21,079
Move yourselves. Move yourselves.
763
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,035
Sergeant Major. Shut the door.
764
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:42,277
That'll teach 'em.
765
00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:45,277
What are you shaking
your head for?
766
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,784
They will not mind being
confined to camp, sir.
767
00:45:47,785 --> 00:45:48,785
Nonsense.
768
00:45:48,786 --> 00:45:51,070
Every soldier minds
being confined to camp.
769
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,516
Not when half of
'em is women, sir.
770
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:56,115
- They is happy here.
- Happy?
771
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,436
It has always been
my proud boast, sir,
772
00:45:59,437 --> 00:46:01,592
in all my time as
a sergeant major,
773
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:03,986
in all my camps there
has never been a
774
00:46:03,987 --> 00:46:06,232
single sign of
happiness... till now.
775
00:46:09,040 --> 00:46:10,997
Why, man? Why?
776
00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:14,315
This lot have got everything
they want here, sir.
777
00:46:14,316 --> 00:46:15,393
Such as?
778
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:18,871
A bit of this. A bit of that.
A lot of that, actually.
779
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,633
A lot of what?
780
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:23,679
You know, sir. That.
781
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,114
Surely you don't mean
a bit of the other?
782
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:31,079
This, that, or the other, sir.
They is at it all the time.
783
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:33,834
In and out of each other's
quarters like fiddlers' elbows.
784
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:38,037
Are they indeed?
That is something to
785
00:46:38,038 --> 00:46:40,153
which I'm going to
put a bloody stop.
786
00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:44,598
With respect, sir. We cannot stop
them without staying up all night.
787
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,149
That will not be
necessary, Sergeant Major.
788
00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:50,152
Sir?
789
00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:52,197
We will build a chastity fence.
790
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,159
- A what, sir?
- A sort of a big belt.
791
00:46:56,240 --> 00:46:57,276
Oooh.
792
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,431
Made of barbed wire.
793
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:03,837
Cor. That sounds a bit
uncomfortable, sir.
794
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:08,070
Too-wit.
795
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:10,152
Too-hoo.
796
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,510
Last one, Sergeant Major.
797
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:17,957
Steady, man. You caught me right
in the... field dressing.
798
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:20,514
Lift.
799
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:38,232
I think congratulations are
in order, Sergeant Major.
800
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:41,233
- Thank you, sir.
- Not you, you fool. Me.
801
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:44,552
- Come along. Let's get back.
- There's gratitude for you.
802
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:46,597
Sir.
803
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:58,354
- Private Easy?
- Yes, Sergeant?
804
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,397
Make the signal to Sergeant Able.
805
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:02,437
Code or plain language?
806
00:48:02,520 --> 00:48:04,477
- Plain language.
- Right away.
807
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,271
- Ready?
- Sergeant?
808
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:27,398
Make to Sergeant Willing,
message received...
809
00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:29,437
and understood.
810
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,233
Sergeant.
811
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:40,715
Alice, I don't think I can
hold this pose much longer.
812
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:43,717
- I'll get cramp.
- Really?
813
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:46,474
Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you?
814
00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:48,517
Oooh.
815
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:50,557
I told you so, Sergeant.
816
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,373
It's not only barbed
wire, it's rusty.
817
00:48:52,374 --> 00:48:53,374
Rusty?
818
00:48:53,375 --> 00:48:54,759
I'll get blood poisoning
on my hooter.
819
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:57,196
- Shut up about your hooter.
- It's the only one I got.
820
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,897
You don't think the
girls have gone off us?
821
00:48:59,898 --> 00:49:02,230
It's got nothing to
do with the girls.
822
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:05,358
This is a right
load of old Smelly.
823
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,033
Smelly? Doowarrgghpree.
824
00:49:07,120 --> 00:49:09,430
- Stop doing that.
- He can't do that to us.
825
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:11,796
- He's done it.
- But it's inhuman.
826
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:12,880
He ain't human.
827
00:49:12,881 --> 00:49:14,554
He ain't going to
get away with it.
828
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:17,075
- Double back and fetch a tin hat.
- What for?
829
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,833
- Do as I told you.
- But...
830
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:20,877
- Scarper.
- Yes, Sergeant.
831
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:23,031
Right. Here. Now, listen...
832
00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:25,794
You all know the drill for
this sort of operation.
833
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,794
I am asking for a volunteer.
834
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:32,837
Right, sarge.
835
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:36,917
Well done, son.
836
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,957
Congratulations.
837
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:40,997
Thank you very much, sarge.
838
00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:43,311
- What for?
- You have just volunteered.
839
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:44,400
Have I?
840
00:49:44,401 --> 00:49:46,074
Put your helmet on,
cover yourself up.
841
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:48,436
No, not on your head.
Cover your er...
842
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:50,634
I don't understand.
What do you mean?
843
00:49:50,635 --> 00:49:51,797
Show him, will you?
844
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:53,599
- Ooh.
- Just hold it right there.
845
00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:54,600
What for?
846
00:49:54,610 --> 00:49:56,070
So you don't do yourself an injury
847
00:49:56,071 --> 00:49:57,484
when you lays down
across the wire.
848
00:49:57,494 --> 00:49:58,494
What?
849
00:49:58,495 --> 00:50:01,468
Come on, lads. The
girls is getting cold.
850
00:50:01,469 --> 00:50:02,990
No. No, Sergeant.
851
00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:05,436
I'll do anything. Not on the wire.
852
00:50:05,520 --> 00:50:08,672
- Don't throw me on the wire.
- One... two... three...
853
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:10,717
Aarrghh.
854
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:14,597
Cor blimey, Ready.
855
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:16,637
What have you done?
856
00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:18,677
Nothing.
857
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,320
Ooh. My neck.
858
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:24,777
Keep your hand on your helmet,
859
00:50:24,778 --> 00:50:26,875
otherwise you'll be
ruined for life.
860
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,917
Here we go.
861
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:30,957
Careful, lads.
862
00:50:36,640 --> 00:50:38,597
Wake up.
863
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:40,353
Wake up.
864
00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:42,397
How are you feeling, son?
865
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,546
Just as though those
explosions are
866
00:50:44,547 --> 00:50:46,554
reverberating all through my body.
867
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:49,910
Just so long as your
helmet's not damaged.
868
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:53,072
- Ooooh.
- There.
869
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:58,439
Yeah. And I thought he was
just a little basket.
870
00:50:58,520 --> 00:51:01,240
Well, what is he, then, sarge?
871
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:04,271
A cunning little basket.
872
00:51:20,960 --> 00:51:23,555
- Morning, sir.
- Good morning, Sergeant Major.
873
00:51:23,640 --> 00:51:26,519
You requested my presence
at this early hour, sir.
874
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,434
Yes. I did indeed. Why? Did
I interrupt your sleep?
875
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:32,592
- It doesn't worry me, sir.
- I should think not, indeed.
876
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:35,752
Well, now, it's coming
up to the hour. Five...
877
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:39,311
four, three, two, one.
Sound the reveille.
878
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:42,040
- Reveille?
- Yes. The wakey-wakey.
879
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:45,113
Get up and win the war. When
I'm on my feet, everyone is.
880
00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:49,877
Beg pardon, sir, but I's found
you gets more out of this shower
881
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:54,079
if they is allowed to wake
up... sort of gradual, like.
882
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:57,039
Well, from now on,
883
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,589
they're going to wake up
sort of sudden, like.
884
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:02,798
If they gets up on
the wrong side, sir,
885
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,440
they can make your life a
bloody misery all day.
886
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:07,569
Yes, well, I'm the
man who makes lives
887
00:52:07,570 --> 00:52:09,355
bloody miserable, Sergeant Major.
888
00:52:09,440 --> 00:52:11,397
- Sound the reveille.
- Very well, sir.
889
00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:15,310
I think I can safely
say that this is
890
00:52:15,311 --> 00:52:18,040
definitely going to
give them the needle.
891
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:19,554
Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee.
892
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,557
Stand by.
893
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,476
- Blimey. It's only half past six.
- What a liberty.
894
00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:39,597
Here, turn that off.
895
00:52:39,680 --> 00:52:41,717
Oh, my gawd. Give it a rest.
896
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:44,440
- What the hell was that?
- Sounds like reveille.
897
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:46,477
Well, turn the bloody thing off.
898
00:52:46,560 --> 00:52:48,279
You can't turn off
a tannoy, sarge.
899
00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:50,955
Get on Ready's shoulders
and stuff something up it.
900
00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:52,440
What can I stuff up it, sarge?
901
00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:56,275
I don't know. Your head,
your arse, your elbow.
902
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:58,920
Only hurry up. I'm
trying to get some kip.
903
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:00,559
- Hey, Ready.
- What?
904
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:03,758
- Hand us my pillow.
- Can't you remember anything?
905
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:05,115
I can't see.
906
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:07,510
- Get it out of my face.
- There we are.
907
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:11,111
It's stopped. We'll
take it back again.
908
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:15,433
Wakey-waaaakey.
909
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:19,034
Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.
910
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:20,759
You may break your
mothers' hearts,
911
00:53:20,760 --> 00:53:22,079
but you will not break mine.
912
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:25,077
How dare you stuff the
commanding officer
913
00:53:25,078 --> 00:53:27,080
whilst he is talking.
Unstuff him at once.
914
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:28,833
Get down and get dressed.
915
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:31,754
And, the rest of you, what
does you think you is doing?
916
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:34,799
Well, we was trying
to get some kip.
917
00:53:34,880 --> 00:53:36,792
But you has had all night to kip.
918
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,655
Now, then, off your
backs, on your feet and
919
00:53:39,656 --> 00:53:42,114
get into them ablutions
at the double.
920
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,319
Aeroplanes.
921
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:53,916
Hey, what's all this about,
then, Sergeant Major?
922
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:57,357
Aircraft recognition. These
is your new pin-ups.
923
00:53:57,440 --> 00:54:00,045
I bet none of you can tell
the difference between
924
00:54:00,046 --> 00:54:02,390
a couple of Heinkels and
a pair of Bristols.
925
00:54:02,480 --> 00:54:05,598
No, but I can recognise a
Fokker when I see one.
926
00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:08,240
Good boy. That is why
you is a sergeant.
927
00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:18,190
Attention. All ATS personnel.
I'm going to make men of you.
928
00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:22,877
As from this moment,
skirts will not be worn.
929
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:25,919
Skirts will not be worn.
930
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:27,957
Ooh, that'll be a bit draughty.
931
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:32,034
Battledress trousers will
be worn at all times.
932
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:35,477
- That is all.
- Wait a minute.
933
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,751
Private Easy, did you
hear what he just said?
934
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,116
Of course. That's what
we're talking about.
935
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:43,351
No, no, no, Bombardier Murray.
936
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:46,035
He said, his exact words were,
937
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:48,191
"Battledress trousers
will be worn.
938
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:50,237
That is all."
939
00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:51,800
Yes.
940
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:53,599
So he did.
941
00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,717
Wakey-wakey. Rise and shine.
942
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,985
All ATS personnel
taking breakfast,
943
00:55:05,986 --> 00:55:08,352
fall in outside under
Corporal Murray.
944
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:12,675
Come along, girls. Fall in.
945
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:18,998
How dare you come on
parade improperly dressed?
946
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,299
We're only obeying
orders, Sergeant Major.
947
00:55:21,300 --> 00:55:22,300
Or...
948
00:55:22,301 --> 00:55:24,077
Orders? Whose orders?
949
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:26,398
His. Sir's. We're
to wear battledress
950
00:55:26,399 --> 00:55:27,870
trousers and that's all.
951
00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:29,750
The officer wouldn't
give that order.
952
00:55:29,751 --> 00:55:30,751
His very words.
953
00:55:30,752 --> 00:55:31,790
The dirty little...
954
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:33,439
Sergeant Major.
955
00:55:34,480 --> 00:55:37,598
What the devil's going on here?
Why are these men half-naked?
956
00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,912
Because, sir, you said they was
to wear trousers and that is all.
957
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:42,000
I did not.
958
00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:44,191
Oh, yes you did, sir.
959
00:55:44,280 --> 00:55:46,237
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you d...
960
00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:48,596
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.
961
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:49,955
Quiet.
962
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:51,773
I'm going to make a
couple of points.
963
00:55:51,774 --> 00:55:52,774
Ooh.
964
00:55:52,775 --> 00:55:54,684
Sergeant Major, when I
said, "That's all," I
965
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,878
didn't mean that's all,
I meant that's all.
966
00:55:56,960 --> 00:55:59,600
That sounds like a
lot of alls, sir.
967
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:02,912
The cold wind of change is going
to blow through this camp.
968
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,560
This I promise you. So
you'd better take cover.
969
00:56:16,240 --> 00:56:19,472
I have now... Do you
mind, Sergeant Major?
970
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:24,671
I have now taken you apart.
971
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:27,991
And from now on, that
is how you will stay.
972
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:33,317
Apart.
973
00:56:34,640 --> 00:56:36,597
You will eat apart.
974
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:38,990
You will march apart.
975
00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:41,037
You will live apart.
976
00:56:41,120 --> 00:56:43,077
Left turn.
977
00:56:44,720 --> 00:56:47,360
- Worlds apart.
- Right turn.
978
00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:50,990
During gun drills. Which
will now take place daily,
979
00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:54,039
gas masks will be
worn at all times.
980
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:56,077
Do I make myself clear?
981
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:01,965
There will be
compulsory nights out
982
00:57:01,966 --> 00:57:05,034
every night until 23:59 hours.
983
00:57:05,120 --> 00:57:07,077
Transport will be provided.
984
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:09,117
ATS, Mondays,
985
00:57:09,194 --> 00:57:10,194
men on Tuesdays.
986
00:57:10,195 --> 00:57:12,238
Look at him laughing at us. Look.
987
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:21,479
And so it will go on and
on and on and on...
988
00:57:21,560 --> 00:57:24,792
until the whole of Europe is ours.
989
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:33,279
How did he get into our army?
990
00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:35,317
Sieg heil, Melly.
991
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:45,791
I've got it. I've got it.
992
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:48,236
- Whooerrpaaahh.
- So has he.
993
00:57:48,320 --> 00:57:50,277
Well, take it outside.
994
00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:53,000
And throw a bucket of water on it.
995
00:57:54,080 --> 00:57:55,719
I've got it.
996
00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:58,110
- I've got it.
- What a waste.
997
00:57:58,200 --> 00:57:59,520
Poor devil.
998
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,359
Leonard.
999
00:58:02,440 --> 00:58:05,080
Right, you lot. Over here.
1000
00:58:05,160 --> 00:58:08,710
Come on, move yourselves.
Now, this is the plan.
1001
00:58:08,800 --> 00:58:11,235
We are going to dig a tunnel.
1002
00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:15,439
We are going to dig a tunnel.
1003
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:17,477
A tunnel of love.
1004
00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:20,477
It won't be as dark as that.
1005
00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:23,477
Cop hold of these.
1006
00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:44,434
Never thought I'd find a
use for my Army knickers.
1007
00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:46,557
- Or any other kind, dear.
- Cheeky.
1008
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:49,597
Now, keep it up, girls.
1009
00:58:49,680 --> 00:58:52,036
The boys ain't half going
to get a surprise.
1010
00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:11,317
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
1011
00:59:11,400 --> 00:59:14,791
Come on, Sergeant
Major. Security patrol.
1012
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,279
Is that the best the military
police could send you?
1013
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:21,476
Yours may be bigger
than mine, sir, but
1014
00:59:21,477 --> 00:59:23,434
I've been told mine's
got more bite.
1015
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:25,591
Oh, come on, Hitler.
1016
00:59:25,680 --> 00:59:28,070
Come on, Muscles.
1017
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:33,917
What's that?
1018
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:35,957
What's what?
1019
00:59:36,040 --> 00:59:37,997
Sounds like somebody tunnelling.
1020
00:59:38,080 --> 00:59:40,117
Well, that's you, innit?
1021
00:59:41,440 --> 00:59:44,035
- What was that?
- What?
1022
00:59:44,120 --> 00:59:46,077
It sounded like somebody digging.
1023
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:49,919
- That was you.
- Oh, yes. Of course it was.
1024
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:51,826
Check the padlock, Sergeant Major.
1025
00:59:51,827 --> 00:59:52,827
Sir.
1026
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:02,390
Sergeant Major, will you keep
that dog of yours under control?
1027
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:07,150
I understand he's house-trained,
sir, but not outside-trained.
1028
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:09,197
Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on.
1029
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,037
Shhh.
1030
01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,840
Listen.
1031
01:00:16,920 --> 01:00:18,877
They're patrolling.
1032
01:00:18,960 --> 01:00:22,476
- Not a word. Pass it back.
- Pass it back.
1033
01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:25,359
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
1034
01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:27,272
Heel, Muscles.
1035
01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:34,197
Quiet.
1036
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:38,837
It's not me. It's my teeth.
1037
01:00:41,440 --> 01:00:44,080
Some old bones buried around here.
1038
01:00:47,107 --> 01:00:48,107
Aaarrghh.
1039
01:00:48,108 --> 01:00:50,949
Pull yourself together.
Get back at the double.
1040
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:54,716
That was a close call. I
was nearly a dog's dinner.
1041
01:00:57,360 --> 01:01:01,115
Alice, hold them still. How
can I get anything in those?
1042
01:01:25,880 --> 01:01:28,270
Tilly, darling.
1043
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:30,317
Guess who's here?
1044
01:01:31,960 --> 01:01:36,034
Leonard, dearest, move
over. Your Tilly's cold.
1045
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:40,080
Leonard?
1046
01:01:41,320 --> 01:01:42,390
Leonard.
1047
01:01:42,480 --> 01:01:45,837
Tilly. Where the hell are you?
1048
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:49,637
Hey, sarge. Here.
1049
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,317
Oh, no.
1050
01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:56,869
We must have tunnelled
back into our own hut.
1051
01:01:57,920 --> 01:01:59,877
No. No, no, no, no, no.
1052
01:01:59,960 --> 01:02:02,714
Don't be stupid, stupid.
1053
01:02:02,800 --> 01:02:04,837
The girls must have
had the same idea.
1054
01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:07,515
- So, they're in our hut.
- So, they're in...
1055
01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:09,557
Come on.
1056
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:02,277
No.
1057
01:03:03,320 --> 01:03:05,357
- What do you mean no?
- Listen.
1058
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:09,719
If we wait here, they
will come to us.
1059
01:03:09,800 --> 01:03:10,800
Right?
1060
01:03:10,801 --> 01:03:14,760
We are going to sit here quietly
and they will come to us.
1061
01:03:14,840 --> 01:03:15,840
Yes.
1062
01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:19,637
- Hear anything?
- Only you.
1063
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:28,112
Reveille? We've been
at it all night.
1064
01:03:28,200 --> 01:03:30,157
Yes, and not even a nibble.
1065
01:03:30,240 --> 01:03:32,197
Well, it can't be.
1066
01:03:37,360 --> 01:03:39,477
Wakey-waaaakey.
1067
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:41,517
Get stuffed.
1068
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:49,990
Stand at ease. Easy.
1069
01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:54,637
This is a great day... for
13-13 Experimental Battery.
1070
01:03:54,720 --> 01:03:57,235
And an even better night for us.
1071
01:03:57,320 --> 01:04:00,518
Are you coming down my tunnel?
Or am I going up yours?
1072
01:04:00,600 --> 01:04:03,240
As a result, Headquarters
have at last agreed
1073
01:04:03,320 --> 01:04:05,994
to send us that most
desirable piece of equipment
1074
01:04:06,080 --> 01:04:08,720
to have handy in time
of war, namely, a gun.
1075
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:11,439
May God protect us all.
1076
01:04:11,520 --> 01:04:15,992
The Brigadier himself will be here
tomorrow for a full inspection
1077
01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:18,037
and, I hope, to see us in action.
1078
01:04:19,080 --> 01:04:21,390
Ah, here she comes.
1079
01:04:21,480 --> 01:04:23,915
Company. Atten-shun.
1080
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,957
? Rule Britannia
1081
01:04:34,880 --> 01:04:38,112
If he goes over our
tunnel, he'll fall in.
1082
01:04:47,840 --> 01:04:49,240
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh.
1083
01:04:49,320 --> 01:04:51,471
Culprits to my office at once.
1084
01:04:51,560 --> 01:04:52,710
Sir.
1085
01:04:56,840 --> 01:04:59,514
Right, you horrible
stinking shower,
1086
01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:03,674
I wants the guilty party, on the
word of command, male or female,
1087
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:06,229
to take one pace forward.
1088
01:05:06,320 --> 01:05:08,994
The guilty party, one
pace forward, march.
1089
01:05:10,040 --> 01:05:12,714
The ground... cut
from under our feet,
1090
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:15,599
and I am determined to
get to the bottom of it.
1091
01:05:15,680 --> 01:05:18,275
- Answer me. You.
- Yes, sir.
1092
01:05:18,360 --> 01:05:19,360
Answer me.
1093
01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:21,716
Well, I have, sir.
1094
01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:23,757
Who is responsible? Answer me.
1095
01:05:23,840 --> 01:05:25,797
- Moles, sir.
- What?
1096
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:28,797
Well, I think it was moles, sir.
1097
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,310
Who is responsible? You.
1098
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:34,471
I think it was moles, too, sir.
1099
01:05:34,560 --> 01:05:37,120
Moles. Moles?
1100
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:40,193
You don't get your ordinary
type of mole round here, sir.
1101
01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:42,875
These is all whopping
great big 'uns, sir.
1102
01:05:42,960 --> 01:05:44,235
How big?
1103
01:05:44,320 --> 01:05:47,677
Oh, well... as big as that
big dog of yours, sir.
1104
01:05:48,720 --> 01:05:52,077
Moles... as big as Great Danes.
1105
01:05:52,160 --> 01:05:54,516
Oh, no. Bigger, really.
1106
01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:56,671
Bigger?
1107
01:05:56,760 --> 01:05:58,859
You know that hill
outside the camp, sir?
1108
01:05:58,860 --> 01:05:59,860
Yes.
1109
01:06:00,600 --> 01:06:01,795
That's a molehill.
1110
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:05,237
Good Lord.
1111
01:06:05,320 --> 01:06:07,994
- That hill must be 20 feet high.
- Well, sir...
1112
01:06:08,080 --> 01:06:10,356
that just goes to
show you, doesn't it?
1113
01:06:13,760 --> 01:06:15,717
- Sergeant Major?
- Sir?
1114
01:06:15,800 --> 01:06:18,269
- Have you ever seen these beasts?
- I has not, sir.
1115
01:06:18,360 --> 01:06:20,079
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
1116
01:06:20,160 --> 01:06:23,312
And if I may say so, sir, if
I had seen such an animal...
1117
01:06:23,400 --> 01:06:25,400
you would need a gun
as big as the one
1118
01:06:25,401 --> 01:06:27,553
that went down the
hole to shoot it with.
1119
01:06:27,640 --> 01:06:29,677
Thank you very much,
Sergeant Major.
1120
01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:38,076
Sergeants Willing and Able, you
have just told me a tissue...
1121
01:06:38,160 --> 01:06:40,117
Bless you, sir.
1122
01:06:40,200 --> 01:06:42,157
Of lies.
1123
01:06:42,240 --> 01:06:44,197
The whole lot of you...
1124
01:06:44,280 --> 01:06:46,896
are going to remove my
gun from its present
1125
01:06:46,897 --> 01:06:49,036
hole and put it in
its proper hole.
1126
01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:51,077
I don't care how you do it.
1127
01:06:51,160 --> 01:06:53,629
But you are going to do it.
1128
01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:56,952
And you are going to keep on
doing it until it is done.
1129
01:06:57,040 --> 01:06:58,633
Heave.
1130
01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:01,519
- Shorthouse, are you heaving?
- I'm heaving.
1131
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,876
Look sharp, Sharpe. Heave.
1132
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:07,877
You ruin my gun...
1133
01:07:07,960 --> 01:07:11,317
I will ruin you. Heave.
1134
01:07:20,000 --> 01:07:22,435
No, he ain't going
to get away with it.
1135
01:07:22,520 --> 01:07:24,477
Making us sweat like that.
1136
01:07:25,560 --> 01:07:27,517
How do you mean, us?
1137
01:07:27,600 --> 01:07:30,911
He ain't going to get away with
it, making you sweat like that.
1138
01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:33,309
But he is flipping
getting away with it.
1139
01:07:33,310 --> 01:07:34,437
Not for long, son.
1140
01:07:34,520 --> 01:07:36,671
It's a top brass inspection
tomorrow, innit?
1141
01:07:36,760 --> 01:07:39,514
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Brigadier's coming, isn't he?
1142
01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:41,990
Yes, Sergeant.
1143
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:44,037
What about it?
1144
01:07:45,080 --> 01:07:47,037
This about it, son.
1145
01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:49,077
He has gone too far.
1146
01:07:49,160 --> 01:07:54,155
So we are going to put
into operation Plan B.
1147
01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:05,557
Good Lord.
1148
01:08:05,640 --> 01:08:08,427
Melly seems to have turned
that girl into a man.
1149
01:08:08,428 --> 01:08:09,520
Jolly smart, sir?
1150
01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:12,798
You don't suppose sheer bloody
ignorance has worked, do you?
1151
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:15,035
It couldn't be anything else, sir?
1152
01:08:15,036 --> 01:08:16,840
He hasn't got anything else.
1153
01:08:20,360 --> 01:08:22,670
Parade. Parade.
1154
01:08:22,760 --> 01:08:24,717
Atten-shun.
1155
01:08:33,680 --> 01:08:36,798
Good show, Melly. You've got them
all turned out like guardsmen.
1156
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:38,234
Thank you very much, sir.
1157
01:08:38,320 --> 01:08:40,232
Do they all perform
as well as they look?
1158
01:08:40,320 --> 01:08:42,113
I've put a stop to all that, sir.
1159
01:08:42,114 --> 01:08:43,114
What?
1160
01:08:43,115 --> 01:08:45,634
Oh, I don't mean I've stopped
them performing, sir.
1161
01:08:45,720 --> 01:08:49,350
I've them stopped
them... Well, erm...
1162
01:08:49,440 --> 01:08:51,397
performing.
1163
01:08:51,480 --> 01:08:56,874
- Don't follow, old boy.
- Oh, how can I put, sir?
1164
01:08:56,960 --> 01:08:59,350
I erm... Ah.
1165
01:09:02,120 --> 01:09:04,077
Oh, I see.
1166
01:09:04,160 --> 01:09:06,117
Got yourself a hen coop?
1167
01:09:06,200 --> 01:09:08,157
Ha ha ha ha.
1168
01:09:08,240 --> 01:09:09,959
Wittily put, sir.
1169
01:09:10,040 --> 01:09:11,997
Yes, I rather thought so myself.
1170
01:09:12,080 --> 01:09:14,072
Come along, Melly.
Let's get cracking.
1171
01:09:14,160 --> 01:09:15,310
Very good, sir.
1172
01:09:22,440 --> 01:09:24,796
- Colours, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
1173
01:09:38,040 --> 01:09:40,236
- A bit of a bloomer there, Melly.
- I...
1174
01:09:40,320 --> 01:09:43,552
Whose flag is it supposed
to be? Nicaragua's?
1175
01:09:46,040 --> 01:09:47,997
Thank you, Carstairs.
1176
01:09:48,080 --> 01:09:51,596
Excuse me, sir. Pull
those knickers down.
1177
01:09:56,040 --> 01:09:57,076
No.
1178
01:09:57,160 --> 01:09:59,197
Not you.
1179
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:01,237
You, Bombardier. Get 'em down.
1180
01:10:04,480 --> 01:10:08,952
I'm terribly sorry, sir. Some
sort of innocent mistake.
1181
01:10:09,040 --> 01:10:12,590
Pulling down knickers is rarely
innocent and never a mistake.
1182
01:10:12,680 --> 01:10:15,718
- What?
- Oh, an epigram, sir.
1183
01:10:15,800 --> 01:10:17,075
I say, sir.
1184
01:10:17,160 --> 01:10:19,914
That was rather good.
What's next on the agenda?
1185
01:10:20,000 --> 01:10:22,231
Things seem to be
flagging round here.
1186
01:10:22,320 --> 01:10:24,277
I thought a spot
of gun drill, sir.
1187
01:10:24,360 --> 01:10:26,317
All right. Let's shoot off.
1188
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:36,430
You f...
1189
01:10:36,520 --> 01:10:39,194
Fall in at the gun
emplacement. Move yourselves.
1190
01:10:41,480 --> 01:10:43,517
Come on. Move yourselves.
1191
01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:45,956
Get them bodies moving.
1192
01:10:47,480 --> 01:10:49,949
13-13 Battery, at the double...
1193
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:54,437
stop for nothing, take posts.
1194
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:01,077
Watch it. Aarrghh.
1195
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:04,112
Better get him out of
there, Sergeant Major.
1196
01:11:04,200 --> 01:11:06,157
Sir.
1197
01:11:08,280 --> 01:11:11,273
Steady, sir. Excuse
the familiarity, sir.
1198
01:11:19,840 --> 01:11:21,877
Aahh.
1199
01:11:21,960 --> 01:11:25,112
Got yourself in a bit
of a hole there, Melly.
1200
01:11:25,200 --> 01:11:27,157
Hole. Ha ha ha ha.
1201
01:11:27,240 --> 01:11:29,550
- Permission to carry on, sir.
- Please do.
1202
01:11:31,680 --> 01:11:34,115
You two men there.
1203
01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:36,479
It doesn't need two men
to lift one shell.
1204
01:11:36,480 --> 01:11:38,353
You couldn't call us two men, sir.
1205
01:11:38,440 --> 01:11:39,715
More like one and a half.
1206
01:11:39,800 --> 01:11:42,634
- It doesn't need one and a half.
- These things is heavy, sir.
1207
01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:44,513
A man could do himself a mischief.
1208
01:11:44,514 --> 01:11:45,514
Rubbish.
1209
01:11:45,515 --> 01:11:47,078
Come on. Hand it to me.
1210
01:11:51,520 --> 01:11:54,558
- Over to you, Sergeant Major.
- Tiger, darling, let me.
1211
01:11:54,640 --> 01:11:56,597
Don't say darling in
front of officers.
1212
01:11:56,680 --> 01:11:58,873
But I couldn't bear
it if you strained
1213
01:11:58,874 --> 01:12:00,560
something before we'd even...
1214
01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:01,790
you know...
1215
01:12:01,880 --> 01:12:03,030
I do not know.
1216
01:12:03,120 --> 01:12:05,077
Well, let me teach you.
1217
01:12:07,600 --> 01:12:10,069
I find these things
awfully exciting.
1218
01:12:10,160 --> 01:12:12,117
I don't know why.
1219
01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:19,875
Take that thing out of there.
1220
01:12:19,876 --> 01:12:22,233
She's rammed it up.
Let it stay up.
1221
01:12:22,320 --> 01:12:24,277
In that case, sir,
gun loaded, sir.
1222
01:12:25,360 --> 01:12:26,555
Bearing 270.
1223
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:41,437
Call Melly, will you?
1224
01:12:41,520 --> 01:12:43,477
Sir. Captain Melly.
1225
01:12:43,560 --> 01:12:45,074
Sir?
1226
01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:47,693
Surely, in the interests
of efficiency, you
1227
01:12:47,694 --> 01:12:49,996
shouldn't have someone
with... those...
1228
01:12:50,080 --> 01:12:52,037
doing... erm... that.
1229
01:12:52,120 --> 01:12:53,952
Do you know, sir, you're right.
1230
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:56,714
Yes, well, I always try and
keep abreast of things.
1231
01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:59,634
Oh, droll, sir. Very droll.
1232
01:12:59,720 --> 01:13:01,313
- His cock?
- I beg your pardon.
1233
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:03,357
Gunner His cock. Replace those...
1234
01:13:04,400 --> 01:13:06,631
her, will you?
1235
01:13:06,720 --> 01:13:08,598
Yes.
1236
01:13:08,680 --> 01:13:10,478
Carry on, Sergeant.
1237
01:13:17,560 --> 01:13:21,520
- QE 30.
- Gun ready for firing, sir.
1238
01:13:21,600 --> 01:13:23,557
Right, stand by.
1239
01:13:25,280 --> 01:13:27,112
Fire.
1240
01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:33,034
Hardly went off
with a bang, Melly?
1241
01:13:33,120 --> 01:13:34,918
Carry out drill for misfire.
1242
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:38,717
Breach jammed, sir.
1243
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:40,837
Jammed? Get out of my way.
1244
01:13:48,240 --> 01:13:50,197
Put up a bit of a
black there, Melly.
1245
01:13:51,760 --> 01:13:53,100
Permission to take a shower.
1246
01:13:53,101 --> 01:13:54,753
Where are you going to take them?
1247
01:13:54,840 --> 01:13:56,797
Not this shower, sir.
1248
01:13:56,880 --> 01:13:58,712
Hot shower.
1249
01:13:58,800 --> 01:14:01,360
Yes. Well, I must admit,
you do look a bit grimy.
1250
01:14:01,440 --> 01:14:04,160
Carry on with the brigadier's
inspection, Sergeant Major.
1251
01:14:04,240 --> 01:14:05,515
Hah.
1252
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:11,635
Shall we commence
in the mess, sir?
1253
01:14:11,720 --> 01:14:13,916
Seem to be in it already.
1254
01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:15,957
Ha ha ha. Humpf.
1255
01:14:44,920 --> 01:14:47,230
It will start working soon.
1256
01:14:48,280 --> 01:14:51,352
He'll turn bright blue as soon
as he gets in the open air.
1257
01:14:51,440 --> 01:14:53,397
Hee-hee hee-hee.
1258
01:14:54,840 --> 01:14:57,382
If you could see your way
clear, sir, to grant
1259
01:14:57,383 --> 01:14:59,869
me a transfer, I would
be eternally grateful.
1260
01:14:59,960 --> 01:15:03,078
I would do anything, sir. Any
mission you care to suggest.
1261
01:15:03,160 --> 01:15:05,755
I could parachute into
Germany. Kill Hitler.
1262
01:15:11,200 --> 01:15:12,873
Captain Melly resuming duty, sir.
1263
01:15:12,960 --> 01:15:15,555
- Melly?
- Sir?
1264
01:15:15,640 --> 01:15:17,533
Melly, last time I saw you, you
1265
01:15:17,534 --> 01:15:19,793
were black. Now
you've turned blue.
1266
01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:21,758
Blue?
1267
01:15:21,840 --> 01:15:23,991
Blue. Mirror.
1268
01:15:33,800 --> 01:15:36,918
- Blue as a baboon's arse.
- Ha ha. Oh...
1269
01:15:39,640 --> 01:15:41,677
Permission to have
another shower, sir.
1270
01:15:41,760 --> 01:15:42,810
Granted.
1271
01:15:42,811 --> 01:15:45,959
Carry on with the
inspection, Sergeant Major.
1272
01:15:46,040 --> 01:15:47,997
Hah.
1273
01:15:52,240 --> 01:15:54,025
On the other hand,
sir, if you does
1274
01:15:54,026 --> 01:15:55,711
not fancy me knocking off Hitler,
1275
01:15:55,800 --> 01:15:57,797
how about that fat
slob of an Italian
1276
01:15:57,798 --> 01:15:59,794
ice cream merchant
Musso-bloody-lini?
1277
01:15:59,880 --> 01:16:01,732
Are you a coward, Sergeant Major?
1278
01:16:01,733 --> 01:16:02,733
Me, sir?
1279
01:16:02,734 --> 01:16:04,123
You want to go gallivanting off,
1280
01:16:04,124 --> 01:16:06,070
trying to kill
Hitler and Mussolini
1281
01:16:06,160 --> 01:16:08,914
and sneak out from under
this very tough job here?
1282
01:16:09,000 --> 01:16:10,957
Only a suggestion, sir.
1283
01:16:11,040 --> 01:16:13,714
Bloody ashamed, you
should be. What's this?
1284
01:16:13,800 --> 01:16:15,439
Games room, sir.
1285
01:16:25,040 --> 01:16:27,509
What's the name of this
game, Sergeant Major?
1286
01:16:27,600 --> 01:16:30,559
- Unarmed combat... sir.
- Oh?
1287
01:16:30,640 --> 01:16:34,190
What the sergeant major
means, sir, is... Ahem.
1288
01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,642
Is that you can never
be sure when them
1289
01:16:38,643 --> 01:16:40,989
Nazi paratroopers might land, sir.
1290
01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:43,037
And we must be ready for them.
1291
01:16:43,120 --> 01:16:45,077
By fighting with ladies?
1292
01:16:46,400 --> 01:16:49,040
Ah, sir, we heard...
about them nuns, sir.
1293
01:16:49,120 --> 01:16:51,491
You know, sir. Them
nuns when the Frogs was
1294
01:16:51,492 --> 01:16:53,592
done. With Tommy guns
up their habits.
1295
01:16:53,680 --> 01:16:58,118
Those nuns, Sergeant Major, were
German soldiers in disguise.
1296
01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:00,157
What we was doing, sir,
1297
01:17:00,240 --> 01:17:05,713
was getting used to the feel of
fighting something in skirts.
1298
01:17:05,800 --> 01:17:09,350
What do you say, Carstairs?
1299
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:15,958
- Can you explain that, Sergeant?
- Well, sir. This is erm...
1300
01:17:16,040 --> 01:17:17,997
well, a mixed battery, sir.
1301
01:17:18,080 --> 01:17:23,678
And er... well, in a mixed
battery, you have to er...
1302
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:25,831
- Mix it.
- Mix it.
1303
01:17:25,920 --> 01:17:28,913
Carstairs, you fancy yourself
at unarmed combat, don't you?
1304
01:17:29,000 --> 01:17:31,310
I know a trick or two, sir.
1305
01:17:31,400 --> 01:17:33,230
Go on, then. Choose your opponent.
1306
01:17:33,231 --> 01:17:34,231
Thank you, sir.
1307
01:17:43,080 --> 01:17:45,037
You. That man there.
1308
01:17:47,080 --> 01:17:50,596
- Me, sir?
- No, no. No. Not you, Bombardier.
1309
01:17:52,120 --> 01:17:54,351
I never fight a man
with his glasses on.
1310
01:17:54,440 --> 01:17:55,920
I'll take them off, sir.
1311
01:17:56,000 --> 01:17:59,471
No, no. It'll be too dangerous.
Thank you. Back into line.
1312
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:00,630
Sir.
1313
01:18:01,760 --> 01:18:04,116
You. That man over there.
1314
01:18:06,280 --> 01:18:07,634
Me, sir?
1315
01:18:07,720 --> 01:18:09,677
Yes, you.
1316
01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:14,952
Sir, why don't you try
one of our young ladies?
1317
01:18:15,040 --> 01:18:18,238
Good idea. Why not try
one of her ladies?
1318
01:18:18,320 --> 01:18:21,996
Just to show how far advanced
in the game we are. Sir.
1319
01:18:22,080 --> 01:18:24,914
- Ladies, well...
- Jolly good idea. Go ahead.
1320
01:18:25,000 --> 01:18:27,595
- Ffoukes Sharpe.
- Pardon?
1321
01:18:27,680 --> 01:18:29,637
- Sir.
- Sir.
1322
01:18:29,720 --> 01:18:32,918
- If I was you, sir...
- Yes, Sergeant Major.
1323
01:18:33,000 --> 01:18:34,957
How you wish you were me.
1324
01:18:35,040 --> 01:18:37,224
No, sir, I think I
should warn you...
1325
01:18:37,225 --> 01:18:39,080
Don't worry, I shan't hurt her.
1326
01:18:42,320 --> 01:18:44,277
Right, Ffoukes Sharpe. En garde.
1327
01:18:48,800 --> 01:18:50,712
What are they afraid of, what?
1328
01:18:50,800 --> 01:18:52,359
Stand by, Sergeant.
1329
01:18:52,440 --> 01:18:54,033
Oooh. Aarrghh.
1330
01:19:05,680 --> 01:19:07,239
Thank you, madam.
1331
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:10,957
I wasn't ready, sir.
1332
01:19:12,000 --> 01:19:14,165
Come along, Carstairs.
I think we've both
1333
01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:16,279
hung around here long
enough, don't you?
1334
01:19:16,360 --> 01:19:17,635
Ha ha.
1335
01:19:23,360 --> 01:19:26,512
Whoever perpetrated that blue
joke is going to suffer.
1336
01:19:28,840 --> 01:19:30,797
Suffer. I'll murder 'em.
1337
01:19:31,840 --> 01:19:33,718
I'll make dog meat of 'em.
1338
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,872
I'll show them who's wearing
the trousers around here.
1339
01:20:05,040 --> 01:20:07,475
Good afternoon, sir.
1340
01:20:10,080 --> 01:20:13,357
I say, sir. That ATS private's
wearing a moustache.
1341
01:20:13,440 --> 01:20:16,114
That's no ATS private,
Carstairs. That's Melly.
1342
01:20:27,880 --> 01:20:31,191
13-13 Battery, take post.
1343
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:34,034
Action stations, Carstairs.
Action stations.
1344
01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:35,998
Is this the real
thing, Sergeant Major?
1345
01:20:36,080 --> 01:20:38,993
Yes, lovely boy. It is you
against the Hun this time.
1346
01:20:40,440 --> 01:20:43,274
Move yourselves. Move
yourselves. Come on. Come on.
1347
01:20:43,360 --> 01:20:46,000
Sixpence for every
one you shoots down.
1348
01:20:46,080 --> 01:20:48,037
Two bob if it is a German.
1349
01:20:48,120 --> 01:20:50,077
Come on. Come on. Move yourselves.
1350
01:20:50,160 --> 01:20:52,117
Move yourselves. Come on. Come on.
1351
01:21:00,760 --> 01:21:02,831
Here, did you see that?
1352
01:21:02,920 --> 01:21:06,596
Leonard, you cannot expect a
brigadier to expose himself.
1353
01:21:08,080 --> 01:21:11,312
I think perhaps we should go now.
Get those bloody guns ready.
1354
01:21:11,400 --> 01:21:16,077
Put those gas masks on.
No.1 detachment, take post.
1355
01:21:19,840 --> 01:21:22,116
Right. Stand by.
1356
01:21:22,200 --> 01:21:24,760
With respect, sir. You
is improperly dressed.
1357
01:21:24,840 --> 01:21:26,465
If it wasn't for you, Sergeant
1358
01:21:26,466 --> 01:21:28,470
Major, I wouldn't
be in this shape.
1359
01:21:35,680 --> 01:21:38,195
- I reckon they're Fokkers.
- Have you got it up?
1360
01:21:38,280 --> 01:21:41,000
- I beg your pardon?
- The shell, man. The shell.
1361
01:21:41,080 --> 01:21:43,675
- That's rammed up all right, sir.
- Then fire it.
1362
01:21:43,760 --> 01:21:45,672
Fire.
1363
01:21:47,080 --> 01:21:49,390
Bloody hell.
1364
01:21:49,480 --> 01:21:51,836
Don't shoot at him. Shoot at them.
1365
01:21:51,920 --> 01:21:54,992
You dozy idle fool.
1366
01:21:55,080 --> 01:21:58,198
220-35-29.
1367
01:21:58,280 --> 01:21:59,600
Fire.
1368
01:21:59,680 --> 01:22:00,680
Fire.
1369
01:22:03,680 --> 01:22:05,797
190-30-28.
1370
01:22:05,880 --> 01:22:07,837
Shorthouse.
1371
01:22:09,640 --> 01:22:11,597
Get that shell in the breach.
1372
01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:15,277
Oh, for heaven's sake.
1373
01:22:16,640 --> 01:22:17,915
- Get out.
- Fire.
1374
01:22:23,120 --> 01:22:26,272
- We've got him, Sergeant Major.
- Let's hope it's one of theirs.
1375
01:22:29,440 --> 01:22:32,478
- Aaaaaahh.
- Well done, lads. Again.
1376
01:22:33,800 --> 01:22:36,076
Fire.
1377
01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:39,877
It's a hit, sir. It's a hit.
1378
01:22:40,920 --> 01:22:44,038
- Well done, Tiger.
- Thank you, Smelly... sir.
1379
01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:45,998
Do it again. Do it again.
1380
01:22:46,080 --> 01:22:47,514
Fire.
1381
01:22:50,880 --> 01:22:52,439
It's another hit, sir.
1382
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,874
Well done, Jock.
1383
01:22:55,960 --> 01:22:57,314
Do it again.
1384
01:22:57,400 --> 01:22:59,357
Right, stand back, you two.
1385
01:22:59,440 --> 01:23:02,000
That's it. Fire.
1386
01:23:06,600 --> 01:23:09,069
You've done it. You've
done it, my lovely boys.
1387
01:23:13,720 --> 01:23:16,474
- We did it. We did it.
- Leonard, you did it.
1388
01:23:16,560 --> 01:23:18,517
- No, we did it, Till.
- We did?
1389
01:23:18,600 --> 01:23:20,432
Take that message back to Hitler.
1390
01:23:24,600 --> 01:23:26,557
A-haaaa.
1391
01:23:26,640 --> 01:23:29,872
Go on, Tiger. It's your birthday.
1392
01:23:33,000 --> 01:23:36,357
- I love you.
- You can tell him that as well.
1393
01:23:50,600 --> 01:23:51,750
All right.
1394
01:23:51,840 --> 01:23:54,230
Parade... stand at ease.
1395
01:23:54,320 --> 01:23:56,755
Stand easy.
1396
01:23:56,840 --> 01:23:59,440
Now. I am sure that
you is all dying to
1397
01:23:59,441 --> 01:24:02,234
know the state of your
commanding officer.
1398
01:24:02,320 --> 01:24:04,975
And I is very happy to inform you
1399
01:24:04,976 --> 01:24:08,112
that apart from a
cracked funny bone,
1400
01:24:08,200 --> 01:24:10,409
sustained in the recoil,
and a couple of
1401
01:24:10,410 --> 01:24:12,672
sprained fingers from
tugging the toggle,
1402
01:24:12,760 --> 01:24:15,514
he is in what might be
described as rude health.
1403
01:24:15,600 --> 01:24:19,249
In fact, he is coming
out here now to
1404
01:24:19,250 --> 01:24:23,474
congratulate you as you
so richly deserves.
1405
01:24:30,600 --> 01:24:33,434
And the same to you.
1406
01:24:38,320 --> 01:24:40,232
Hooray.
1407
01:24:45,320 --> 01:24:47,111
And so it came about
that through the
1408
01:24:47,112 --> 01:24:48,996
blunderings of one
poor bloody officer.
1409
01:24:49,080 --> 01:24:51,754
A certain person who shall be
nameless was able to create
1410
01:24:51,840 --> 01:24:53,286
an everlasting symbol of
1411
01:24:53,287 --> 01:24:55,516
encouragement and
devotion to duty.
1412
01:24:55,600 --> 01:24:58,274
A symbol accepted throughout
the entire world.
102074
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