All language subtitles for What We Do in the Shadows s05e05 Local News.eng

Good evening, New Yorkers,

and welcome to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.

-I'm Ted Spinelli.
-And I'm Lisa Lipton.

A big day in news
across the city,

but we begin in Staten Island,

where a water main break in the
West New Brighton neighborhood

left the streets looking
more like rivers.

Joanna Roscoe is live
from Staten Island now.

That's right, Lisa.

This was the scene
just hours ago

on what is usually considered
a quiet residential street.

Now, as you can see behind me,

city workers have
managed to stop

the street-level flooding,

but underground flooding
still remains a concern.

Oh, boy. That means
a messy commute home

for a few Staten Islanders,
right, Joanna?

Yeah, it sure does.

Now I am here with
a local resident

who has been watching
the situation closely.

His name is Nandor...

Nandor the Relentless.

Nandor De Laurentis.

Now, Nandor, you live in
this neighborhood, correct?

Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do.

In that house just over there.

With my friends. It's fun.

Great.

And as I understand,
you were on the street

when the water main broke.
Can you tell us about that?

Yes, I can, Joanna.

I was going
for my evening stroll,

which I do for my mental health

as well as for
my physical health,

and then,
all of a sudden, crash!

Burst!

Water, it shoots

into the air, and then, like,

all over the street.

Now, Nandor,
have you seen an incident

in this area like this before?

Not since the great
flood in 1892, Joanna.

That was a big boy.

1892.

Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892.

1992.

Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892?

Give me this guy's
skin care secrets.

Because 1892 was
a year that was not

in my, uh, human lifespan,

but 1992 most definitely was.

It's 2023 now...

-Right.
-...and it was 1992 then.

And I have been living
in Staten Island

for many centuries.

Many centuries.

Well, it looks like
we have discovered

the secret to eternal life.

Now, I do have a...

Well, Ted and Lisa,
I will be here,

on the ground,
monitoring the situation

as it develops. Back to you.

Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it.

? Don't sing if you want
to live long ?

? They have no use
for your song ?

? You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ?

? You're dead
and out of this world ?

? Now your hope and compassion
is gone ?

? You sold out your dream
to the world ?

? Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ?

? You're dead
and out of this world. ?

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Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

From the diaphragm.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Guillermo!

Gizmo is not here.

Colin Robinson,
turn on the television.

Channel 8.

Your arms broken?

Please!

All right.

This is go...

But there is some worry that...

Huh.

That's our street. Huh.
Well, that's neat.

That is not neat.

I may have committed

an unforgivable
and irreversible blunder.

Okay, Nandor, don't get
your knickers in a twist.

I-I accidentally told
this Joanna Roscoe

that we have lived in this
street for many centuries.

You did what?

And now she and
all of the viewers

of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00

know that we are vampires.

And now--

And now all of the humans
are going to

drive us out of Staten Island

like they drove us
out of the Old Country.

Alea iacta est.

Game over.

No, no!

This time, we fight!

This is our last stand!

-Who's with me?
-Me!

Silence!

I have a plan.

I think we should
kill Joanna Roscoe.

And what would that solve?

Do you have any better ideas?

Where is Guillermo?!

So, yeah, tonight's kind of
a farewell,

goodbye dinner
for me and my mom.

She doesn't know
that it's a goodbye,

but when I become
a full vampire,

it won't be safe for my family,

or for me because

they are vampire killers,

and I'll be a vampire.

It's kind of heavy,
actually,

if you think about it.

No one imagines
they'll have to say

a final goodbye
to their mom, but...

here we are.

Mami.

Oh. Oh, everyone's here.
I thought it was just going

-to be you and me.
-Hi.

Oh, T�a. Wow, you're also here.

You hungry? You hungry?

Hey, Memo.

These guys are still
doing that documentary

on losers who work
at the railroad, huh?

-All right.
-Ah, I'm just playing.

-Okay.
-Hey, we're putting my t�a's

-gifts right there.
-Hmm?

The gifts.

Wait, you didn't bring a gift
for your own mama's birthday?

So, funny thing.

In the middle of, uh,

making it a big day about me,

I totally forgot that
it's a big day for her.

It's her birthday,

but birthday or no,
I need to do this.

Mami, Mami.

Can I talk to you
in private, please?

...local resident Nandor,
who has some insights.

...part of a pattern of
local infrastructure failures?

Yes, Joanna. If I may...

To the millions
and millions of viewers

of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00,

you will forget...

Apologies to Joanna
and Mr. De Laurentis,

but we have some breaking news.

The National Weather Service
has announced

a severe thunderstorm
warning for the city.

We now go to meteorologist
Heather Dupont...

I leave the house
for one fucking minute...

Memo!

It's not a big deal,
as long as they just...

answer the fucking phone.

Fucking hell.

Damn!

Look out, look out!

Oh, fuck this. Ah!

- Should I answer that?
- Announcement.

After methodical analysis,
I have decided

that it is not a good idea

to kill Joanna Roscoe.

No shit, you human fart.

Now, help me
booby-trap the staircase.

Maybe I should just
take it off the hook?

Hello?

Colin Robinson, now is
not the time for decorating.

Get your fucking go-bag.

Vampires must always

be prepared to skip out of town

at a moment's notice.

I have been chased out
of five, maybe six

villages over the course
of my vampiric life,

and believe me,
you don't want to be

caught out there fleeing with
only the clothes on your back,

sleeping at the bottom
of a cold well,

sucking on the throats
of the mountain goats

you once called your brothers.

No. So, what was
the first thing I did

when I moved to Staten Island?

I made the go-bags.

I have decided on
a multi-part plan.

The first part of which:

Kidnap Joanna Roscoe.

And how is that going to help?

Takes us to step two.

Everybody,

in your go-bags you will find

your emergency
fleeing checklist.

Okay.

"Ancestral soils."

Check.

"Three days' supply of blood."

Eh... Oof.

A little bit rank, but check.

"Memorize new identity."

"Oh, hello.

"My name is Sally Rhubarb.

"I am a blonde girl
from a large farm,

and my blackberry pie wins
every year at the county fair."

-Don't sit there.
-Why not?

Because.

- The whole ground floor
is booby-trapped

for our final stand.

Oh, yes, because the attackers
first thing they will do

is come down and
take a nice rest.

I think you're all
wasting valuable time.

-Thank you.
-What you need to do

is get a kidnapping sack.

No, you need to get your go-bag.

And you need to trust the plan.

-Get your go-bag.
-Trust the plan.

-Get your go-bag.
-Trust...

Hey, you two may want
to have your argument

away from the
chandelier fall zone.

- Also, mind the trip wire.
- Fucking hell.

-Places, places!
-It's all right. It's all right, my darling.

I'll protect you.

-This is it.
This is our final stand. -Be calm.

Would you stop fucking
saying that, Colin Robinson?

Step back, my darling.

Friends, fear not.

I went back to
Channel 8 News Live at 7:00

and hypnotized
the audience, so...

We saw.

And no, you did not
hypnotize anyone, Nandor.

Those television humans

interrupted your blather
with a warning of a storm.

This is all Guillermo's fault!

- He's not back yet, is he?
- No.

Also, why is your
hair yellow, Nadja?

-I am not Nadja.
-Oh.

I am Sally Rhubarb.

There is only
one way out of this:

We must kill Joanna Roscoe.

Which were my thoughts exactly,

but if you follow "Arrow F,"

you'll find a far more
sophisticated plan.

"Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"?

Which is step one of the plan.

-And then what?
-Step two.

Welcome back to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.

We'll check in with
Joanna Roscoe, but first...

And then I saw that diesel
was as cheap as gas.

So I took it back to
the rent-a-car spot

and say, "Hey, homie,
how am I supposed to know

Corollas don't take diesel?"

Guillermo?

- Are you okay?
- You know what?

He doesn't listen, all right?
Don't even bother.

I'm listening.

That's what it is. The screens.

You need to cut
that shit off, cold turkey.

Just like I did with
the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma?

Guillermo, you're working
too much. It's not healthy.

You need to be
healthy like I am.

No Sierra Mist,

no whack bosses.
I told my last boss,

"Hey, jefe, you want to try
to ruin my life like that?

Boom. Toma."

But, you know,
you're probably too scared

-to do that.
-I'm not scared, Miguel.

I'm not scared.
I recently made a big move.

My old boss kept
promising me a promotion,

and I got tired of waiting.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm here.

-Are you here, though?
-Yeah, I'm here.

Why are you still
all on your phone, then?

Because, it's the transition.
I haven't...

officially left
the old railroad,

and, uh, haven't
officially started

-the new one.
-How many railroads even are there?

Let's just eat, huh?
Why don't we all just eat?

I do not have a name
in the traditional sense.

And you said that you
work for the city...

Right, Joanna Roscoe.

There will be damage.

Bloodshed, too.

This is why I propose a truce.

Because we are not so
different, you and us.

We all want peace.

- Yello?
- Hey, Sean,

this is Guillermo
from next door.

Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'?
What can I do for you?

Yeah, I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.

If you can go next door
and tell the vam...

Uh, Laszlo and Nadja
and everyone at the house

if they could just,
can they stay

inside the house
and just stay put

until I get there? Could you
do that for me, please?

That's gonna be a little tricky.

There's been a water main break
on our street,

and these TV fuckers
parked their van

-right on the front lawn...
-And someone else is here.

-...which I just
resodded last year. -Sean? What are you doing?

The territory of Staten Island

can, nay, must be shared
between our people...

Looks like there's a lot of
excitement over there.

Speaking of excitement,

you'll never guess what this
Bronx seventh grader is doing

to raise money
for the rainforest.

A nine-step plan!

-Make sure it's bloody
straight, you idiot. -Yes.

Reason and diplomacy
did not work,

as you all saw.

So let us do it. Let us flee.

-Us?
-Yes.

And if they won't go,

then it will be just you
and I, into the night.

Um, okay. C-Cool.

I shall go prepare my disguise.

So, bad news.

There's been an emergency
with, uh, a train.

So I'm gonna have to head out.

I called it, didn't I?

Mami? Mami, can we just
have that talk really quick,

- the one I was
telling you about?

Gracias. Por favor.

Hello?

-Laszlo? Laszlo.
-Who is this?

Sorry, Mom. Por favor.

What do you mean,
"who is it"? It's Guillermo.

Oh, Gizmo. What do you want?

What the hell's
going on over there?

Can't talk right now.

To cut a shit story short,

-we've been found out.
-Huh?

The whole world knows

that vampires are real
and that we are they.

Okay, Laszlo,
just do me a favor.

Just stay put, okay?
I'll be over soon.

Don't you tell me what to do.

- Laszlo?
- I have con...

Laszlo?

-That's too small, you prick.
-Who's there with you?

-You think?
-Just stay put, okay?

We have to get Joanna Roscoe's
entire body in there.

- No. What are you...
- We need to get a grown woman in there.

What are you...
What are you doing?

I think this bag is big enough.

-All right, well, get in it.
-Laszlo?

-Okay.
-What's going on? Laszlo?

-Oy vey. Too small.
-Too fucking small.

-If we are to
kidnap Joanna Roscoe, -No!

-we need a sack large enough
for her entire body. -Beep, beep.

Now, don't phone here again.
We are incredibly busy.

-Do not kidnap...
-We don't need to be distracted.

Gizmo? Huh.

Blasted boy, hung up on me.

Fucking hell, Nandor.
Get a bigger sack.

Laszlo?

-I found one!
-No, Nandor.

This is a very big bag.

I tried it already. I fit.

It's translucent.

We could add a blindfold?

Yes, but it would add time.

Is anybody listening to me?

You need to get your go-bags!

-Mami?
-Mm-hmm?

No.

No...

How's it going?

It was like this
when I got here.

So, this is it, then?
This is really goodbye,

my ag�pi mou.

I'm afraid so, my m�tia mou.

I must see my plan through.

It has many steps.

- Ready!
- Oh!

Oh.

So, when the villagers
who are chasing us

say they are looking for
a blonde and a brunette...

Well, I guess I didn't
really think it through.

Housemates.

Friends.

The Guide.

A great enemy is upon us.

Joanna Roscoe and her army
of Channel 8 viewers.

This is not
the first foe we have met,

nor will it be the last.

They may outnumber us,

they may have a satellite truck

and a Sky High chopper,
whatever the fuck,

but what do we have?

-Kidnapping sack.
-Go-bags! -The skull of Orson Welles.

Each other.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Look at us, running around,
this way and that,

focusing on our own plans.

We all have
a part to play in this,

and play it we must,

-but together.
-Hear, hear.

-Thank you, Laszlo.
-Now, get the fuck on with it

Yes, this is all
your fault, you know.

For this shithole on
Staten Island is our home,

and 30 years from now,

when you, Nadja,

are sat there by that fireplace

and you have a little ghost
dolly on your knee,

and she looks up at you,
and she says,

"What did you do during
the great vampire battle?"

Maybe you won't
need to say to her,

"Me, dolly? I was shoveling
shit in Louisiana."

I would never do that.

Okay, you guys, I'm back.

No need to worry 'cause
I have a plan...

- Whoa.
- Shit!

For crying out loud.

We are fine, Guillermo.

In fact, we are better
than fine. We are great.

We have our own plan.

Okay, I'm just trying
to help cal--

Nadja, when did you go blonde?

I mean, you look really--

I don't have time to tell you

everything that you've
missed, traitor.

Look, I know I haven't
been around, but--

It's fine. I get it.

You have your life
and we have ours.

And if tonight
has taught us nothing else,

then it has taught us this:

We can survive
quite easily without you.

Well, okay, then.

Wait, what?

You seem to have everything
under control,

so good luck.

I wouldn't go that way
if I were you.

-Why not?
-Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty?

A schrapnellmine
in the authentic German?

Our latest model is now showing
that those mild showers

won't be hitting
the five boroughs

until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest.

All right, that's
great news. Still time

to pull in that lawn furniture.

And speaking
of unexpected waters,

Joanna Roscoe is back

with an update for us

on that Staten Island
water main break.

What's it looking like, Joanna?

Hi, Ted. I am happy to report

that this story finally has

a happy ending.

The water main has been sealed,

and the underground leaks
have been brought

under control.

Now there is a small sinkhole,

but the area
has been cordoned off

to prevent it from
widening any further

until we can get
a street crew out here

to fill it in the morning,
but, hey,

at the risk of sounding
overly optimistic,

it looks like residents
are on their way

to having their street
back any moment now. I...

Wait. Wait!

Kevin, you got this?

Looks like this story
is not quite over yet.

A very odd and dangerous
new development happening here.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa--
-Shit!

Fucking idiots!

An antique car
has rolled into

the sinkhole,
and a group of locals

are now working together
to retrieve it.

Initiate diversion,
Colin Robinson.

Initiate diversion.

All right, there's a guy,
and, uh,

he doesn't work for us.

Okay, and he's throwing
fire in the van. Kev?

Oh! Holy fuck.

Nope, not my problem.

All right, uh,
apologies to our viewers,

but it appears we have
lost our Staten Island feed.

We are working
to contact our team

to make sure everything is okay.

Whoa.

We lost the feed.
We lost it.

Are you getting this?
Are you filming?

Satellite's not
transmitting to studio,

-but I'm recording on the card.
-Get it on the memory card.

Do not stop.

What is going on?
Are they flying?!

Oh, oh!

Okay, call the station
and tell them that

-we're coming in
with the footage. -Okay.

- Excuse me.
- What?

I think Joanna caught us
flying on tape. FYI.

We need to follow that tape

and steal that tape
and destroy that tape.

Absolutely, continue with
the second part of the plan.

This sounds like
a slightly different plan.

No, it's the same plan. Bat!

Assholes!

Apologies for the technical
difficulties, folks,

but I hear we have some
truly inexplicable footage

from Joanna en route.

Hand it over, camera jockey.

Show yourself,
Joanna Roscoe.

I got Joanna's camera!

Ladies and gentlemen,
one moment.

Bit of confusion here in studio.

I'll say. Who are you people?

What are you doing in here?
This is a closed set...

You will fall asleep
and forget everything

that has happened here tonight.

And then fall off your chair.

What about all the people

who just saw Lisa Lipton

and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized?

We go on
and hypnotize them, too?

Yes, good idea.

To all of the
viewers of the Channel 8 News,

you will remember nothing

out of the ordinary tonight.

That is all ye know,

and all ye need to know.

Actually, pretty solid solution.

Should we just leave now?

No, that will
look very suspicious

to the humans
that have just tuned in.

Just read the words
on the screen.

Uh...

Hip-hip pup-rade.

Indeed. It is time again

for Staten Island's
annual puppy parade.

Which is always
a barking good time.

Here's hoping we have
some nice weather

for these promenading pooches.

And now,
let's turn it over to...

Colin Robinson with the weather.

Seems like a wet one
out there tonight,

right, Colin Robinson?

Not as wet

as it could have been,
Nadja,

but still,
no fun for anyone

who forgot
their umbrella at home.

Let's take a look at

the News 8 WeatherWall

with high Doppler action.

And this patch right here,

um... well, that's

a little schmutz there
on the old WeatherWall

with high Doppler action.

But this patch up here,
this is a bit of good news.

New Yorkers,
you can rest easy tonight

and enjoy a little
sunshine this weekend.

Perfect weather
for a puppy parade.

Our four-legged friends will
certainly be happy to hear that.

And now we turn to...

Laszlo Cravensworth,

who better be telling me
my New York football Giants

are raring to go for Sunday's
game against the Cowboys.

Thanks, Nandor.

From your lips to
Coach Daboll's ears.

Big Blue is having
a big season,

but the Cowboys
are on a roll themselves.

So let's just say
that for either team,

the road to a W
is going to be paved

with blood, sweat and tears.

Here's my lovely wife Nadja.

Thank you, my love.

Well, that is it for us
tonight, New York.

And from everyone
at Channel 8 News:

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Bye, then.

That's it, try and look normal.

Well, good.

I don't want anything bad
to happen to them, so...

I guess I always
imagined the hardest part

of being a vampire was
keeping your identity a secret,

but I guess
the hardest part is...

who you leave behind.

You know?

The goodbyes.

Whoa!

What the fuck is going on?!

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