All language subtitles for The Specials (2000) (DVD)

Woman:
I'VE BEEN A HUMUNGOUS
FAN OF THE SPECIALS

SINCE I WAS KNEE-HIGH
TO SOMETHING, FOR SURE.

ALL MY FRIENDS
WOULD MAKE FUN OF ME

BECAUSE THE SPECIALS
WERE NOT A COOL GROUP

LIKE THE AMAZING TRIO,

OR THE CRUSADERS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, SCREW THAT.

I ALSO LIKED WINGER
BETTER THAN BON JOVI.

I STILL DO.
I DON'T CARE WHAT
THE CRITICS SAY.

( rock music plays )

♪ IT GOES A LITTLE
SOMETHING LIKE-- ♪

♪ LIKE THIS ♪

♪ IN MY SHOES,
MY TOES ARE BUSTED ♪

♪ MY KITCHEN SAYS
MY BREAD IS MOLDED ♪

♪ I GOT A GOOD JOB
AT THE DOLLAR STORE ♪

♪ ONE FOOT IN THE HOLE,
ONE FOOT GETTIN' DEEPER ♪

♪ WITH A BROKEN MIRROR
AND A BLOWN-OUT SPEAKER ♪

♪ AND I AIN'T GOT
MUCH ELSE TO LOSE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ AND THE BOTTOM
DROPS OUT ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ THEN THE BOTTOM
DROPS OUT ♪

- ( alarm beeps )
- ♪ CHECK IT, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ I'M BENT LIKE GLASS,
SECONDHAND LIKE GLORY ♪

♪ MISSED THE BUS,
BUT I'M IN NO HURRY ♪

♪ MOLASSES FAST,
NO BUSINESS BORN ♪

♪ ONE FOOT IN THE HOLE,
ONE FOOT GETTIN' DEEPER ♪

♪ CRANK IT TO 11,
BLOW ANOTHER SPEAKER AND... ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOT--
I AIN'T GOT MUCH TO LOSE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ AND THE BOTTOM
DROPS OUT ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT
I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ THE BOTTOM
DROPS OUT ♪

- ( alarm beeps )
- ♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF SO MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I WALKED ON THE EDGE ♪

♪ WITH THAT HOBO WAY ♪

- ♪ The bottom drops out ♪
- ♪ BECAUSE I KNOW ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT
I'VE SEEN BETTER-- ♪

- ♪ BETTER DAYS ♪
- ♪ Then the bottom drops-- ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

- ( car horn honks )
- ♪ And the bottom
drops out ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN
BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS. ♪

- ( phone rings )
- Woman: SPECIALS HQ.

- Man on phone:
Is Valiant Lass there?
- NO.

Well, why not?

BECAUSE VALIANT LASS
IS NO LONGER A MEMBER
OF THE SPECIALS.

- Oh, she's not?
- NO.

- Who's she with?
- SHE'S WITH THE CRUSADERS.

SO WHAT'S THE REASON
FOR YOU CALLING US, THEN?

TED...
THAT'S COMING DOWN.

IT'S ME.
IT'S FROM A FAN.

WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL
THE CRUSADERS THEN.
THEY'RE--

MM-HM?

WHY WOULD WE HAVE NUDE
PHOTOGRAPHS OF OUR
EX-MEMBERS ON FILE?

NEW GIRL'S HERE.
I FOUND HER PEEKING THROUGH
THE WINDOWS IN THE BACK.

- YOU WOULDN'T WANT ONE.
- MR. SMART...

WHAT IS THAT
INTRIGUING DEVICE

- SITTING UPON YOUR NOSE?
- I'VE SEEN VALIANT LASS NAKED

AND SHE HAS
A VESTIGIAL PENIS.

CYCLO-LUCIDIC
NASAL ENHANCER.

IT INCREASES MY
ABILITY TO SMELL

- BY OVER 3,000%.
- ( machine beeps )

( sniffs,
mechanical whirring )

ASBESTOS.

- I'M THE GREAT STROBE.
- SHELLY.

SHELLY, WELCOME
TO SPECIALS H.Q.

- Woman: ALL RIGHT.
- ( phone hangs up )

I'M EMILY.

- MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE.
- WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

AS A SPECIAL,
YOU'LL EXPERIENCE

ALL SORTS
OF EXOTIC WONDERS.

IN AFRICA, WE DISCOVERED
A TRIBE OF PYGMIES

THAT FEASTED UPON
A HARMLESS HUMAN BABY.

( chuckles )
IT WASN'T A BABY.

- IT WAS A BABY.
- NO, TED.

IT WAS A RABBIT
THAT THEY'D SHAVED

- AND YOU
THOUGHT IT WAS A BABY.
- I SAW ITS FINGERS.

NIGHTBIRD, I ENJOYED
YOUR APPLICATION VERY MUCH.

- THE VIDEO FOOTAGE
OF YOUR SUPERPOWERS--
- MY DAD FILMED IT.

IT WAS EXCEPTIONAL.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

I'M NOT SAYING
THE GREAT STROBE IS BETTER
THAN OTHER HUMANS...

I AM, BUT THAT'S
BESIDES THE POINT.

I CAN SHOOT LASER BEAMS
OUT OF MY ARMS.

THAT'S WHAT
SETS ME APART.

CAN OTHER HUMANS
DO THAT?

CAN THEY?

CAN THEY?

DON'T GET JELLY
ON THE COUCH.

- And on the home front,
- OOH, DUDE, TURN IT UP!

Silver Lake's The Specials
will be toasted

by Kosgro Toys
this evening

at a reception celebrating
next week's release

of The Specials
action figures.

FUCK.

This is certainly
a great moment in our
10-year history.

Now, if someone says,
"Hey... Specials.

They're a bunch
of second-rate

no-account
layabouts,"

well,
they'll be wrong.

The Crusaders
and the Annihilators,

and the Anti-Evil Gang
and the Amazing Trio.

They've all had
action figures for years.

So now we're, like,
sort of, this makes--

cut it out.
Why did you--

This makes us, like,
you know, big time.

It's really all
just a testament to

you,
the fans,

for your
unrelenting support.

And--

and to my father,

the original Weevil.

- ( sniffles )
- Man: NICE CRYIN'.

OH, COME ON.
I WAS BEING SINCERE.

- Weevil and the crew
will be available
- RIGHT.

at Wal-Marts and Toys R Us,
throughout the Southland.

- ( gasps )
- YOU KNOW OUR MOST
POPULAR MEMBER, I SEE.

( chuckles )
HI. I'M WEEVIL.

- I'M A BIG FAN.
- OH, THANKS.

WHERE ARE YOUR
ANTENNAS?

HM? OH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- I ONLY WEAR THOSE
AROUND THE PRESS.
- OH.

( giggles )

WOW.

OKAY.

I'VE HAD SUPERPOWERS
LONGER THAN

ANYONE ELSE IN
THE SPECIALS, I THINK.

WELL,
SINCE I WAS 14.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY
I'M PROBABLY THE ONLY ONE

WITH A PEZ DISPENSER
WITH A LITTLE ME ON IT.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO EIGHT.

EIGHT SEPARATE BODIES
WITH A SINGLE MIND.

EIGHT IS ACTUALLY
ONE PERSON

WHO CAN BE
IN EIGHT DIFFERENT PLACES
AT THE SAME TIME.

- I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM.
- IT'S "HIM," ACTUALLY.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE
HE REFUSES TO DO PUBLICITY.

- All Eights: MMN.
- THIS DOUGHNUT IS DELICIOUS.

COOL.
I WISH I HAD
ANOTHER ME.

DEADLY GIRL!

YOU ARE ONE
OF MY GREAT HEROES.

BITCHIN',
MY OWN STALKER.

I'M TIM.
WELCOME ABOARD.

I'M ON BOARD.

I AM A HUGE FAN,
MINUTE MAN.

IT'S...
MINUTE MAN

- OH GOD, I'M SO DUMB.
- IT'S BECAUSE I'M ABLE
TO TURN SMALL.

- I'M SORRY.
- IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

Strobe:
IN LIGHT OF TONIGHT'S
RECEPTION,

IT'S ONLY APPROPRIATE
THAT WE DISCUSS

SOME OF THE PUBLIC
BEHAVIOR

OF SOME OF THE GROUP'S
MEMBERS,

WHICH, AS OF LATE,
HAS BEEN LACKING

A CERTAIN,
SHALL WE SAY, TACT.

- ( phone rings faintly )
- WITNESS THIS PHOTOGRAPH

OF AMOK AND WEEVIL

SMOKING CIGARETTES
IN A BATHROOM STALL.

APPEARED IN
THE "L.A. DAILY NEWS."

TED, IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE
WALKING DOWN MAIN STREET.

WE CROUCHED DOWN IN A STALL.
A GUY CAME IN WITH A CAMERA.

YOU DON'T SEE THE CRUSADERS
SMOKING CIGARETTES.

WHAT IF THEY
WERE DOING NUMBER TWO?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY FRIEND,

WHEN I FIRST
GAINED MY SUPERPOWERS--

- HERE WE GO AGAIN.
- SOME OF US...

MAY NOT THINK THIS
IS TRIVIAL, PAL.

SOME OF US MAY WANT
TO HEAR THIS.

NOTE THE NEW MEMBER,
FOR INSTANCE, NIGHTBIRD.

- I WANNA HEAR IT.
- THANK YOU...

- POWER CHICK
- YOU'RE WELCOME, TED.

SOMEONE'S PLAYING
WITH PLAY-DOH.

- IS THIS NECESSARY?
- YES!

TONIGHT'S RECEPTION
HURLS US INTO A NEW ERA.

SUPERHEROES
DON'T GET OSCARS,
WE GET ACTION FIGURES.

KOSGRO TOYS
ARE THE THIRD LARGEST

MANUFACTURER OF ACTION
FIGURES IN THE WORLD.

AND WE GET
11% ROYALTIES.

THAT'S 11
OUT OF EVERY $100.

YES, AND AT LONG LAST,

- WE CAN TRANSFORM THIS
INTO A REAL H.Q.
- OOH.

FIRST, CINEMA-VISION
WIDESCREEN TELEVISION
TO MAP OUT BATTLE PLANS.

WHAT'S SONAR?
LET'S GET THAT.

DON'T FORGET
THE WIDESCREEN TELEVISION.

WHEN I FIRST GAINED
MY SUPERPOWERS--

OH, JESUS!
NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR

YOUR BORING FUCKING
ORIGIN STORY!

- LET'S TAKE A VOTE.
- LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,
MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT MY
FUCKING FRIEND!

MAYBE EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE
I WANT TO GO OUT

AND HAVE A BEER
AND BANG SOME SLUTRAG
TILL HER EYES BLEED.

AND MAYBE I DON'T
GIVE A SHIT IF IT GETS
IN THE "L.A. DAILY POST"!

I SAVE LIVES.

I DON'T THINK I OWE ANYBODY
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT.

- YOU'VE ALSO
TRIED TO TAKE LIVES.
- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT WAS A LONG
TIME AGO, OKAY?
I WAS A KID.

I GOT CAUGHT UP
WITH THE WRONG BUNCH
OF PEOPLE.

YOU GOT CAUGHT UP
WITH THE WRONG BUNCH
OF PEOPLE, MISTER.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING
CAUGHT UP IN SOME PRETTY
SICK IDEAS.

- ( grunts )
- FORGET IT!
FORGET I SAID A THING!

NOBODY'S SAYING THAT,
AMOK.

I LIKE YOU.
IT'S JUST...

SOMETIMES I THINK YOU MUST BE
HURTING SO MUCH INSIDE

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO...
AGGRESSIVE.

YOU'RE 12-STEPPING ME
TO DEATH HERE, BITCH.

NOT APPROPRIATE!
BACK OFF!

( timidly )
I'D LIKE TO HEAR
THE STORY.

IT WOULDN'T
BE BORING TO ME,

- BECAUSE I'VE
NEVER HEARD IT.
- ( grunts )

OKAY.

AMOK SUGGESTED
THAT WE TAKE A VOTE.

LET'S VOTE.
EMILY?

EVERYONE IN FAVOR,
RAISE YOUR HAND.

- EIGHT'S ONLY ONE VOTE.
- THAT'S STILL ONLY SIX.

THERE ARE 12 MEMBERS
IN THE GROUP.

- ( phone ringing )
- EMILY?

OH, JESUS.

WHEN MY BROTHER
AND I FELL

INTO THE VAT OF MYSTERIOUS
RADIOACTIVE CHEMICALS

AT THE PHOTO
PROCESSING PLANT

AND WOKE UP IN THE HOSPITAL
THREE WEEKS LATER

WITH POWERS NO OTHER HUMAN
HAD EVER KNOWN BEFORE US,

A PHRASE CAME TO MIND,

SEEMINGLY,
WORDS OF GOD.

"WITH SUPER POWER,
COMES SUPER RESPONSIBILITY."

AND I REALIZED
AT THAT POINT

THAT I...
WAS BLESSED

AND WOULD NOT BE AFFORDED
THE CAPRICIOUSNESS

OF OTHER MEN,
COMMON MEN, LITTLE MEN.

THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN
WOULD SEE ME

AROUND THE WORLD
AS A PART OF GOD.

IF A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC

SEES ME IN A BAR
DRINKING ALCOHOL

AND HE HAS A POSTER
OF THE GREAT STROBE
ON HIS WALL AT HOME

AND HE SAYS TO HIMSELF,

"THE GREAT STROBE CAN
SHARE A BEER,

HAVE A SHOT,
WHY CAN'T I?

WHO AM I?
I'M A LITTLE MAN."

AND HE GETS DRUNK
AND HE GOES HOME

AND HE BEATS HIS WIFE
TO DEATH WITH A CROWBAR!

THAT MAY AS WELL BE
MY HAND

BEATING THAT WOMAN
TO DEATH!

OR IF I'M CAUGHT
BY A TABLOID REPORTER,

URINATING ON A PROSTITUTE
FOR PLEASURE

IT'S DISGUSTING, BUT...

IT REALLY HAPPENED
TO CAPTAIN OSIRIS
IN MILWAUKEE.

AND THEN A LITTLE BOY
URINATES ON HIS SISTER.

AND SHE HAS A CUT
ON HER ARM.

LITTLE TINY ARM.

AND THE CUT
BECOMES INFECTED

AND THE INFECTION
GOES TO GANGRENE

AND EVENTUALLY,
THE ARM IS REMOVED.

THAT MAY AS WELL
HAVE BEEN ME

URINATING
ON THAT LITTLE GIRL.

WITH SUPER POWERS
COMES SUPER RESPONSIBILITY,
DAMN IT.

LAUGH AT MY MANNER,
IF YOU MUST, BUT PLEASE,
PLEASE...

HEED MY WORDS.

THANK YOU.

WOW.
THAT IS A GOOD STORY!

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE
MY VOTE.

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE
IT TO "YES,

I WOULD LIKE
TO HEAR THAT STORY."

TED MIGHT HAVE BEEN RIGHT
ABOUT SOME THINGS.

LIKE DRINKING.

LAST WEEK I GOT DRUNK
AT A BAT MITZVAH,

UNTHINKINGLY SUMMONED
FORTH DEMONS

AND...
THEY ATE A KID.

YOU KNOW,
TED REALLY PISSED
ME OFF BACK THERE.

- ( snorts )
- I KNOW.

WHERE DOES HE GET OFF
REPRIMANDING ME LIKE
I'M SOME CHILD?

WELL, I'M NOT GOING
TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY
HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT WE'RE
ALL UPTIGHT ABOUT THIS
KOSGRO THING, BUT...

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

NOT NOW.

- LATER?
- MM-HM.

- THE BANQUET?
- YES.

- OKAY, GOOD.
- OKAY.

EVERY MORNING,
I LOOK DOWN,

I'M WEARING BOOTS
WITH LIGHTNING BOLTS
ON THEM

AND I THINK,

"WHERE DID I MAKE
THE WRONG TURN?"

SO WHAT'S YOUR
SUPERPOWER,

NIGHTBIRD?

DO YOU TURN INTO A BIRD?

I JUST HAVE SOME DUMB
BIRD POWERS.

- BIRD POWERS?
- IT'S HARDLY ANYTHING,
REALLY.

IT HARDLY MAKES ME
ANYTHING MORE THAN NORMAL.

THAT'S VERY MODEST.

I'M GONNA GET KILLED.
I KNOW IT.

NOT WITH BIRD POWERS,
YOU AIN'T.

I'M EVEN AFRAID
OF TOUGH MIDDLE-SCHOOL KIDS.

AND NOW IF I HAVE TO FACE
GIANT ROBOTS OR SOMETHING,

I'M GONNA WANT
TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF.

I USED TO THINK
THAT MY SUPERPOWERS
WERE SORT OF WORTHLESS.

BUT ALL IT TAKES
IS ONE NUCLEAR WEAPON

THAT'S FALLEN
INTO A CRAWL SPACE
OR A NOOK

- AND SUDDENLY,
YOU ARE ALL THE RAGE.
- ( chuckles )

LISTEN, THERE'S THIS
TOY PARTY THING TONIGHT.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO--

I MEAN LIKE A...

SAME CAR SITUATION
TYPE OF THING.

LIKE, A DATE?

THAT.

OKAY.

( hard rock
music playing )

HI, GUYS.

RAISIN?
RAISIN?

HEY, TONY,
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE NEW CHICK?

- SHE'S OKAY, I GUESS.
- I KIND OF WANT
TO FUCK HER.

- SHE'S A FOX.
- SHUT UP.

- SHE'S A LITTLE YOUNG.
- BUT FUCKABLE.

RAISINS COME FROM VINES.

SHE'S CUTE THOUGH, RIGHT?

YES, BUT I WISH HER BREASTS
WERE LARGER.

LIKE WHAT?
ZEPPELINS?

WAR!

SEX?
IT'S DIFFICULT.

I GET CHARGED UP,
THE ANTI-MATTER
STARTS FLYIN',

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
I'M HUMPING A CHICK
WITHOUT AN ASS.

I SHOULD'VE
JUST STAYED HOME.

THIS IS THE OUTSIDE.
IT'S MADE OF BRICKS...

AND SOME OTHER STUFF.

LUMBER.

THIS IS THE THING
WHERE THE GUY COMES
ONCE A MONTH

AND HE WRITES DOWN
HOW MUCH YOUR LIGHTBULBS
HAVE USED.

YOUR...
ELECTRICITY?

THIS IS THE HALL
OF HONOR.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

SALT SHAKERS.
THEY'RE SHAPED LIKE
TWO LITTLE PEOPLE.

YOU CAN MAKE THEM
HAVE CONVERSATIONS.

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

WELL THIS ONE'S A MAN,

SO HIS NAME
IS SALT SHAKER.

THIS IS THE BASEMENT.
YOU WANT TO SEE THE FURNACE?

THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S HOT.

DON'T PRESS YOUR FACE
AGAINST IT FOR TOO LONG,

OR YOU GET RED STREAKS
ON YOU FOR, LIKE,

A MONTH.

THERE'S MORE.
BACKYARD.

POWER CHICK'S
GARDEN.

SHE'S PLANTING
GARDENS.

- ( grunting )
- Power Chick: NO, DOUG, BAD!

- BAD, BAD, NO!
- HE DOES STUFF LIKE THAT
ALL THE TIME,

BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.
FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED.
THERE'S SOMETHING OVER HERE.
DID I SHOW YOU THIS THING?

- A GUY COMES HERE EVERY MONTH!
- Deadly Girl: LISTEN,
HERE'S A RIDDLE:

WHAT'S MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE'S
SUPERPOWER?

( phone rings )

GUESS!

SHE HAS INDESTRUCTIBLE SKIN
THAT CAN WITHSTAND
AN ATOMIC BLAST.

WRONG.
SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH.

THAT'S MY SISTER-IN-LAW.

NEXT TIME YOUR BROTHER
WIFE-BEATS HER,

TELL HIM TO HIT HER
IN THE EYE.

HER EYES ARE NORMAL.

HERE'S ANOTHER:
WHAT'S THE NEW GIRL'S
SUPERPOWER?

- DON'T YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO DO?
- THIS IS WHAT I DO.

ONE THING THAT HAPPENED
THAT SUCKED

WAS THAT I LOST MY SHRINKING
ABILITY FOR TWO WEEKS.

LIKE A FLU BUG OR--
I MEAN, I DIDN'T LOSE
THEM ENTIRELY,

I WAS ABLE TO SHRINK DOWN
TO ABOUT 4'5",

BUT JUST BEING SHORT
ISN'T REALLY A SUPERPOWER.

THANK YOU...
FOR THESE...

FIGURES.

THANK YOU...

FOR THESE...

- GELSON.
- OH, GREAT!

THAT IS SO FANTASTIC!

- HE DIDN'T SAY IT.
- YES, HE DID.
HE JUST SAID IT.

NO, HE DIDN'T.
HE SAID, "THANK YOU
FOR THESE GELSON."

OH, HE SAID IT PERFECTLY,
DIDN'T YOU, DOUG?

- THANK YOU.
- OOPS!

- OOPS! AW.
- "DOUG?"

"ALIEN ORPHAN'S" NOT A NAME.
HE NEEDS A NAME.

THANK YOU

- FOR THESE GELSON.
- OH, YOU ARE SO CUTE!

HE'S NOT CUTE.
HE'S HORRIFYING.

- MAKE HIM STOP.
- HE'S SMILING!

- MAKE HIM STOP!
- AW.

Man:
HONESTLY, TED.
THERE IS A MINT TO BE MADE

FOR SUPERHUMANS
IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

NEW STANDARDS INC.
IT'S A PLASTICS COMPANY
IN DETROIT.

THEY SPEND MILLIONS
EVERY YEAR ON LASERS.

SOMEONE WITH YOUR TALENTS
COULD PERFORM DELICATE
WELDING--

YEAH, THAT'S THE MOST BORING
STORY I'VE EVER HEARD.

COME ON, JERRY.
LET'S BE TRUTHFUL.

DON'T YOU MISS
BEING ZIP BOY,

- THE FASTEST KID
IN THE WORLD?
- I-- I DON'T.

HOW 'BOUT THE TIME
WE CAPTURED AND DRAINED
THE AMAZING BLISTER?

I ENJOY MY JOB.

I ENJOY RECRUITING
OTHER SUPERHUMANS

INTO A BETTER, MORE
PROFITABLE LIFESTYLE.

AND I CAN STILL
UTILIZE MY POWERS,

I RAN HERE FROM YEMEN
THIS MORNING,

FOR CHRIST'S SAKES.
28 MINUTES.

- HA! GOOD TIME.
- YEAH.

- SOUNDS GREAT, BUT I--
- WHY DON'T YOU COME BY
THE PARTY TONIGHT?

MEET THE NEW STANDARD FOLKS.

I CAN'T.
I CAN NOT.

THE KOSGRO RECEPTION.

OH, RIGHT.
THE TOYS.

SOME OF YOU MAY BE
WONDERING

"HOW DID THE SPECIALS
COME TO BE?"

WELL, THE GROUP
WAS THE BRAINCHILD

OF TED
AND TIM TILDERBROOK,

BETTER KNOWN
TO THE WORLD AS THE STROBE,
AND MINUTE MAN.

THE ORIGINAL FIVE WERE FRIENDS
BEFORE BEING TEAMMATES.

TED AND TIM--
HE WAS MINUTE BOY
BACK THEN.

MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE,
THE WEEVIL AND STRETCHIE BOY!

STRETCHIE BOY
JOINED THE GROUP

WHEN WE WERE
AROUND FOR...

- ABOUT WHAT, A YEAR?
- ABOUT A YEAR.

STRETCHIE BOY
HAD STRETCHING POWERS.

IT'S A PRETTY COMMON
SUPERPOWER WHERE HE
WAS FROM,

- UP IN THE NORTHWESTERN STATES.
- TACOMA.

SOMETHING ABOUT
THE FLUORIDATION
IN THE WATER.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE SAME CHEMICALS

THAT GAVE HIM
HIS SUPERPOWERS
GAVE HIM MOUTH CANCER

AND HE WAS DEAD
IN SIX MONTHS.

THE SAME THING HAPPENED
TO CAPTAIN ELASTIC,

- FLAGPOLE LAD--
- GOOEY STAN.

LIKE A HOLOCAUST
OF RUBBERY PEOPLE.

OUR NEXT MEMBER
WAS MR. SMART,

WHO CLAIMED
TO BE THE WORLD'S MOST
INTELLIGENT MAN.

Power Chick:
THEN CAME EIGHT,
THE HERO WITH EIGHT FACES.

SOME CLAIM
THE C.I.A. WAS BEHIND

THE MYSTERIOUS FUSION
OF EIGHT CONSCIOUSNESSES
INTO ONE.

EIGHT WAS FOLLOWED
IN RAPID SUCCESSION BY

U.S. BILL
AND HIS SUPERSTRENGTH.

Power Chick:
THE ANTI-MATTER
BLASTING BAD BOY, AMOK.

Weevil:
AND POWER CHICK,
WHO HAS THE ABILITY

TO MUTATE HER BODY
INTO ANY MATERIAL THAT
SHE TOUCHES

WHETHER IT BE WOOD,
METAL,

OR HECK,
A FRUIT ROLL-UP.

( giggles )
I'D BE YUMMY THEN.

NEXT CAME DEADLY GIRL
WHO HAS THE ABILITY

TO ENTER THE WORLD
OF THE DEAD

AND THEN REAPPEAR
ANYWHERE SHE WANTS.

Weevil:
AND THE SHAPE-SHIFTING
ALIEN ORPHAN

WHO'S SHIP CRASH-LANDED
ON EARTH.

ALIEN ORPHAN'S BODY
WAS ORIGINALLY A GREEN GLOBULE.

BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE,
OUR EXTRATERRESTRIAL PAL

HAS BEEN ABLE TO TAKE ON
WHAT'S ESSENTIALLY

A HUMAN FORM.

THIS IS THE GROUP THAT HAS HAD
SUCH KEEN VICTORIES

AS RECENTLY SAVING THE ISLAND
PROVINCE OF SAN FELIPE

FROM A FLOCK OF MURDEROUS
PTERODACTYLS,

AND LAST FALL,
STOPPING THE ANAL SLUG

FROM RUINING THE LIVES
OF ANY MORE SENIOR CITIZENS.

I extracted this

from an 83-year-old
Caucasian male.

It's a pretty
good one.

AND SO NOW,
WE BOLDLY ENTER

A NEW CHAPTER
IN SPECIALS HISTORY.

I FOR ONE, HAVE A FEELING
THAT STRETCHIE BOY

IS SMILING FROM ABOVE.

OR HE WOULD BE..

IF-- IF HE HAD
A MOUTH.

Strobe:
IT JUST WOULD'VE
BEEN NICE TO HAVE GOTTEN

A LITTLE BACKUP
FROM MY WIFE, THAT'S ALL.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO HEAR THE STORY.

I'VE HEARD THAT STORY
MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD.

AND AMOK DIDN'T
WANT TO HEAR IT EITHER.

WELL, HERE'S
A NEWS FLASH FOR YOU:

AMOK?
HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

YOU SHOULD
WATCH OUT, TED.

SOMEONE COULD BE SECRETLY
RECORDING THIS.

THEY COULD SELL IT
TO "INSIDE EDITION"

AND THEN CHILDREN ALL OVER
THE WORLD WOULD START SAYING
"FUCKING ASSHOLE."

ONLY IT WOULD REALLY BE
YOU SAYING "FUCKING ASSHOLE."

OR WOULD THAT BE GOD,
SINCE YOU'RE A PART OF GOD?

- WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?
- BECAUSE--

WHAT YOU'RE DOING
IS MOCKING ME

AND EVERYTHING THAT I AM.
MY WHOLE WORLD VIEW.

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE JUST--

YOU'RE SAYING THAT--

THAT IT'S A LITTLE WORM.

- WHAT?
- YEAH.

YEAH, LITTLE WORM
THAT LIVES BETWEEN

SOMEBODY'S TOES.

A BIG FAT GUY'S TOES.

OR MAYBE GROWS OUT
OF A ROCK.

WORMS DON'T GROW
OUT OF ROCKS, TED!

WELL EXCUSE ME, EMILY.

IF "ROCKWORM"
ISN'T CLEVER ENOUGH
FOR YOU.

BUT YOU JUST
INSULTED ME.

AND YOU DID IT
IN FRONT OF THE GROUP.

( sarcastically )
THANK YOU.

TED, YOU KNOW,
YOU NEED THERAPY.

JUST GET READY,
THE RECEPTION'S AT 8:00.

YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT NEEDS THERAPY.

( door slams )

EMILY?

I'M FROM THE SPECIALS.
THERE'S AN ACTION GUYS THING?

UPSTAIRS.

WELL HECK, U.S. BILL,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I SCREWED UP.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AT 7:30.

YOU'RE THINKING,
"THAT GUY'S PRETTY STUPID."

NO. NO,
OF COURSE NOT.

I'M JOEL TIPPEN,
CHIEF MARKETING EXECUTIVE
FOR KOSGRO TOYS.

WE'RE GETTING THIS
LITTLE SHINDIG ON THE ROAD.

- NICE PLACE YOU
GOT HERE.
- MM-HM.

I LIKE THAT THING
OVER THERE.

IT'S A DESIGN.

OKAY, SURE.

"KOSEGRO TOYS."

OH, I'M SORRY
IT'S "KOSGRO TOYS."

JUST IN CASE YOU'RE
INTERVIEWED OR ANYTHING.

( groans )
I MESSED UP AGAIN.

OH, NO.
THAT'S OKAY.

ME? I'M NO
GOOD AT SPELLING.

CAN YOU SPELL GUEST?

WHAT?

THERE'S A "U" IN IT.

Minute:
VERY NICE COSTUME.
I LIKE YOUR COSTUME.

IT'S A GOOD COSTUME.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU--
FORGOT TO TELL YOU--

FORGOT TO TELL YOU
THAT I REALLY LIKE
YOUR COSTUME.

HI.

OH, DO YOU WANT
TO COME IN,

- MAYBE HAVE A POP?
- YEAH.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU TODAY
THAT I REALLY LIKE YOUR
COSTUME A LOT.

REALLY?

I'M THINKING ABOUT
DESIGNING A NEW
COSTUME MYSELF.

COOL.

'CAUSE YOU PROBABLY
READ THAT...

SOMETIMES THAT MY COSTUME
MADE ME LOOK GAY.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

A LITTLE...
EFFEMINATE

ISN'T--
THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.

Radio:
♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

- ♪ IZAR IZIGHT ♪
- ♪ Wilza iza pilza in ♪

- ♪ THE DOUBLE DU-UTCH ♪
- ♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

- ♪ THE DOUBLE DUT BUTCH ♪
- ♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

♪ THEY'RE STARSKY
AND HUTCH. ♪

- DUDE, THEY DIDN'T SAY THAT.
- I KNOW THAT.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
AND I DON'T WANT YOU
TO TELL ANYBODY.

- WHO AM I GONNA TELL?
- WELL, NOBODY.

AND THAT'S WHY
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.

- BUT YOU STILL HAVE
TO PROMISE.
- I PROMISE.

I'VE BEEN OFFERED MEMBERSHIP
IN THE CRUSADERS.

( laughs )
I KNOW.

- ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS?
- NO.

- I DON'T KNOW.
- THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKS.

- YOU THINK?
- THEY PUT ME IN PRISON!

YOU WERE PART OF A SOCIETY
OF SUPERVILLAINS

THAT WAS GOING
TO GIVE THE WORLD SCURVY.

NOT SCURVY.
SCABIES.

IT'S LIKE A RASH.

AND I WAS
19 FUCKING YEARS OLD,

WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?

JERK ALL YOU COCKSUCKERS OFF
TILL I'M AN OLD MAN?

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

- SCURVY'S WHAT PIRATES GET.
- LOOK I'M JUST SAYING

I MET WITH THESE GUYS...

AND THEY JUST DIDN'T
SEEM SO BAD.

THEY DON'T SEEM SO BAD
BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY
THE C.I.A. WORKS.

THEY TOLD ME THAT
IS BULLSHIT.

THAT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
THEY'RE BACKED!

THEY'RE BACKED
BY THE FUCKING C.I.A.!

ALL I'M SAYING IS
THERE'D BE A LOT MORE MONEY,

CERTAINLY
A LOT MORE PRESTIGE.

THE GOVERNMENT
GIVES THE CRUSADERS
ALL THE BEST GIGS.

I MEAN, THE SPECIALS--
GOD DAMN.

IT'S LIKE BEING
THE LAST SAILOR IN LINE
BEHIND THE WHORE.

YOU GONNA BE
ONE OF THOSE GUYS
THAT MAKES A JOKE

ABOUT THE SPECIALS
GOING TO SPECIAL SCHOOL?

NO. NO, I AM NOT.
ALL RIGHT?

AND I DIDN'T SAY
I WAS GONNA DO THIS.

THOSE PANTS MAKE YOU
LOOK LIKE YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY COCK.

DID I EVER TELL
YOU THAT?

SO WHERE'S THAT?
SAN FELIPE?

WHERE YOU FOUGHT
THE PTERODACTYLS?

IT'S NOT FAR
FROM--

I'LL GIVE YOU
A HINT.

BRR.
I'M FEELING...

COLD.

CHILLY.

IT'S NOT FAR
FROM CHILE.

OH.

- OH YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.
- THANK YOU.

I DON'T THINK
I'D EVER BE ABLE
TO FIGHT A PTERODACTYL.

- I DID WHAT
WE CALL A WATERMAN.
- HE'S IN THE ANNIHILATORS.

BUT THE THING IS
IS THAT MOST BATTLES
ARE ON LAND

SO HIS POWERS
ARE PRETTY USELESS
MOST OF THE TIME.

SO, WHEN OUR POWERS
ARE USELESS,

WE CALL IT A--
A WATERMAN.

RIGHT, THEY'LL PROBABLY
START CALLING IT

- A NIGHTBIRD.
- ( Minute laughs )

THAT'S--

N-NO.

THEY WOULDN'T
DO THAT.

MAYBE WE'D BETTER,
YOU KNOW, GO.

DEFINITELY, YEAH.

IT'S A PRETTY GOOD
CONVERSATION, THOUGH.

YEAH.

THE GREAT THING
ABOUT NOT GETTING
THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE

IS THAT YOU CAN STILL
THINK ABOUT THAT PERSON
AND MASTURBATE,

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY
THE SAME THING.

( reggae music plays )

( door opens )

OH, GROW UP,
WILL YOU?

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR
FACE LOOKS LIKE.

- DON'T YOU KNOCK?
- I NEED YOUR HELP.

I HAVE A RIGHT
TO KEEP MY FACE A SECRET.

SO, I DON'T ENDANGER
MY LIFE

- AND THE LIVES
OF THOSE I LOVE.
- YES, VERY GOOD.

- I AGREE. LISTEN--
- WHAT IF I HAVE A KID,

AND SOMEONE FINDS OUT
WHO I AM,

AND THEN KIDNAPS MY KID
TO GET ME TO ROB A BANK?

DO YOU HAVE A CHILD?

NO. MAYBE! I'M NOT
GIVING ANY HINTS!

I HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH MY CYCLO-LUCIDIC
NASAL ENHANCER.

- YOUR WHAT?
- THIS THING ON MY NOSE!

I CAN'T GET IT OFF.
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I SMELL EVERYTHING!

THE WORLD IS COVERED
IN URINE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO ABOUT IT?

I NEED AN EXTRA
SET OF HANDS.

HERE, SEE THESE TWO LEVERS
AT THE BOTTOM?

- THESE?
- YES.

PINCH THOSE TOGETHER
WITH EACH OF YOUR HANDS.

- DON'T PULL YET.
- I'M NOT GONNA PULL

- ( rips )
- OW, YOU FUCK!

YOU TORE MY FUCKING
NOSTRIL OFF.

YOU TOLD ME TO PULL.

( wailing )

( reggae music continues )

IN THE FACE OF TODAY'S
MOST PRESSING PROBLEMS,

SOMETIMES I FEEL AS IF...

MY SUPERPOWERS
MEAN NOTHING AT ALL.

TAKE THE CRACK SITUATION,
FOR INSTANCE.

CRACK, IN THE HUMBLE OPINION
OF THE GREAT STROBE,

IS WORSE
THAN PTERODACTYLS.

THAT'S RACIST.

AMOK IS MAKING
A JOKE.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

WE SPECIALS OCCASIONALLY
LIKE TO

- JOSH ONE ANOTHER.
- WRONG AGAIN.

HE WILL CALL ME
A RACIST,

AND THEN I'LL SAY
SOMETHING BACK TO HIM LIKE,

"BOY ARE YOU
A BIG FAT GOOBER."

- BUT--
- YOU'RE THE BIG
FAT GOOBER!

- TONY.
- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

- WHAT PROBLEM.
- PROMISE ME YOU'RE
NOT GONNA PANIC!

OKAY, I'M PANICKING.

THAT LINE
ABOUT DON'T PANIC

- MAKES ME PANIC.
- RIGHT.

CHECK OUT SMART.

Strobe:
HOLY SHIT.

IS THAT A MAXI PAD
ON HIS FACE?

IS IT?

WITH SUPER POWERS
COMES SUPER RESPONSIBILITY.

FOR INSTANCE,
WHEN YOU SEE A LITTLE GIRL,

I'M URINATING ON THAT GIRL.

COULD I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH,
MINUTE MAN?

- IT'S MINUTE MAN.
- OH, WHOOPS.

- COULD YOU SIGN THERE?
- MM-HM.

OH, DON'T COVER
WEEVIL.

I'M THINKING ABOUT
CHANGING MY NAME.

CHANGING TO WHAT?
( hisses )

TO "SMALL."

- SMALL MAN?
- NO.

JUST... SMALL.

WELL, THAT'S
PRETTY STUPID.

IT'S BETTER THAN
MR. SMART.

IT'S BETTER THAN
CAPTAIN CUNT-FACE TOO.

WHATEVER.
HAVE YOU SEEN NIGHTBIRD?

YEAH, BEFORE I GOT
LIKE THIS I USED TO DO

AIRBRUSH PAINTINGS
ON THE SIDE OF VANS.

OH YEAH, I SAW ONE
THE OTHER DAY.

IT HAD THIS PICTURE
OF THIS BOWL OF FRUIT ON IT

AND IT SAID, "VAN GO"

YOU KNOW LIKE VAN G-O?

HM, THAT'S CLEVER.

LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.

I THINK THE WEIRDEST
SUPERGUY

WAS WITH ME BACK
IN THE TEEN HUSTLERS.
CHEST OF DEATH?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE WAS A HAPPENING GUY.

YEAH, AND HE HAD THAT--
THAT THING?

YEAH, HE HAD A HOLE
IN THE CHEST OF HIS COSTUME

AND THIS PIECE OF FLESH

THAT HE COULD JUST STRETCH
OUT AND SLAP SOMEBODY.

HIS SCROTUM.

WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

- NO WAY.
- YES. OH, COME ON.
HE-- LOOK HE--

HE HAD SOME WEIRD ABILITY
TO STRETCH HIS SCROTUM
FOR HUNDREDS OF YARDS.

WHAT HE WOULD DO
IS HE WOULD CUT A HOLE
IN HIS UNIFORM

THEN HE WOULD THREAD
THE SCROTUM THROUGH
THE HOLE.

IT WOULD DANGLE
THEN HE WOULD JUST SAY

IT WAS JUST SOME WEIRD
PIECE OF FLESH.

- BUT ACTUALLY,
IT WAS HIS SCROTUM
- WOW.

ONE TIME HE TICKLED ME
WITH THAT THING!

REALLY?

EXCUSE ME.

HI.

HI.

THIS PUNCH IS GOOD.

OH.

I'M JUST STANDING HERE,
YOU KNOW, DRINKING PUNCH,

LOOKING AT PEOPLE.
THEY'RE WEARING TIES
AND STUFF.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?
- WHAT?

YOUR REAL PRETTY.

THANKS.

- THIS PUNCH IS--
IT'S REAL GOOD.
- YEAH?

SOME THINGS HAVE FLAVORS
THAT TASTE GOOD ON YOUR
TONGUE, DON'T YOU THINK?

YEAH.
THAT'S NIGHTBIRD.

THEY WANT US
TO GO ON IN A MINUTE.
WEEVIL'S MISSING.

DID YOU JUST GO
TO THE BATHROOM?

- YEAH, WHY?
- YOU HAVE A DOT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST
TAKE DIFFERENT ROUTES.

OKAY?
FIND HIM, OKAY?

( bell tolling )

IS THIS A PIG
OR SOMETHING ELSE?

IT'S A PIG.

- ( microphone feedback)
- Tippen: HI.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE EVERYBODY
HERE TONIGHT.

NOW WE HAVE WHAT OUR WRITERS
WOULD LIKE ME TO CALL

"A SPECIAL SPECIALS TREAT,"

WHICH I REFUSE TO SAY.

( chuckles )
BUT, I AM PROUD OF IT.

NEVERTHELESS,
THE GUYS IN PRODUCTION

HAVE BEEN PUTTING THEIR HEARTS
AND SOULS INTO THIS.

IT'S GOING TO BE
PREMIERING SATURDAY MORNING
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

LADIES, GENTLEMEN,
OUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN
COMMENCES.

( applause )

YOU GUYS
ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

All:
We want our Specials!

Announcer:
You've got it, guys!

How about The Weevil
and his harpoon?

- Or The Strobe
and his laser beam?
- ( laser blasts )

Mr. Smart destroys evil
with his skin-burning acid!

Ah, my face!
No, it burns! Ow!

IS THAT RICHARD DAWSON?

- ( loud buzzing )
- U.S. Bill has a chainsaw

and removable mask!

- Oh, I'm hungry.
- Look out!

That's no refrigerator.
That's The Specials arch-foe,

the evil shape-shifting
Alien Orphan!

- ( maniacal laughter )
- With his vile henchman,
Deadly Girl

the evil clown
and her meat thermometer!

( maniacal laughter
continues )

( circus music plays )

But have no fear!

Here comes
Mrs. Indestructible!

She'll help you get...

ahead.

And Amok will kick boot
with his battle axe!

I GOT A FUCKING
VIKING HELMET ON MY HEAD?

Minute Man,
and his fishing rod of death.

Get reel!

( hip-hop music playing )

He's a Special
just for me!

- Both: Yeah!
- They're The Specials!

And if you don't know that,
you don't rock!

Figures and accessories
sold separately. Clown not
available in Vermont.

( applause )

I'M BLACK?

WE HAD TO TAKE
A LITTLE MORE OF A MULTI-
CULTURAL APPROACH.

BUT I'M NOT BLACK.

I THINK YOU HAVE
VAGUELY AFRICAN FEATURES.

WE COULD PROBABLY
PULL THIS OFF-- EXCUSE--

A MEAT THERMOMETER?

THE KIDS LOVE THE NEAT
ACCESSORIES.

IT'S THE SPECIALS.
NOBODY KNOWS THEY'RE NOT
CARRYING MEAT THERMOMETERS.

TELL ME THAT WASN'T
RICHARD DAWSON'S HEAD.

WELL OKAY, YOU GOT ME THERE.
WE HAD SOME OLD HEADS

FROM A LINE
OF "HOGAN'S HEROES" ACTION
FIGURES FROM THE '70s.

WE WERE GONNA USE
THE GERMAN GUY,

BUT IT TURNS OUT
WE DIDN'T HAVE--

WHAT?

I'D LIKE TO THANK
KOSGRO TOYS...

FOR HONORING THE SPECIALS

WITH THESE ACTION FIGURES.

THEY ARE...

WITHOUT A DOUBT,
THE...

HUGEST PIECES OF CRAP

- I HAVE EVER SEEN.
- ( crowd murmuring )

I WAS GOING TO TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO INTRODUCE OUR NEWEST
MEMBER, NIGHTBIRD,

BUT WHEN YOU CREATE HER
ACTION FIGURE

YOU'LL PROBABLY MAKE
A GIANT TIT COMING OUT
OF HER FOREHEAD.

( angry murmuring )

A VIKING?!

AS OF TODAY,

I'M ANNOUNCING THE DISSOLUTION
OF THE SPECIALS.

WE ARE NO LONGER.

TED, HANG ON.

THIS NIGHTBIRD GOT SOME KIND
OF YOKO THING GOING ON.

TED!

SORRY TO BOTHER
YOU AT HOME.

WE HAVE A SLIGHT
EMERGENCY HERE, PAL.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL
THE PLANT IMMEDIATELY

AND SHUT DOWN ALL THE LINES
OF THE SPECIALS.

UM... EVERYBODY?

- HELLO.
- OH, JESUS.

I HAVEN'T SAID THIS
ABOUT TOO MANY PEOPLE,
I'M A NICE GUY,

BUT I PRAY
THAT THEY FUCKING DIE!

- TED, GOD DAMN IT
WHAT THE HELL WAS--
- LISTEN--

- TED--
- LET GO OF ME.

DON'T THINK THAT YOUR
WEEVIL AGILITY CAN OUTRUN
MY LASERS, PAL!

IF I WANTED TO,
I COULD CUT YOUR HEAD OFF

AND THEN DO SOME INTRICATE
WELDING AND SLICING
WITH YOUR GUTS!

WHAT?

- GET THE CAMERAS OUT!
- YOU GET THE CAMERAS OUT!

- TONY, WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM?
- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

TED, LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS--

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
YOUR HOME IS, LADY,
BUT IT'S NOT WITH ME.

- WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM?
- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

- HE'S MY FRIEND.
- HE'S MY HUSBAND!

- JUST TELL US WHAT'S WRONG.
- WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU MEAN BEYOND THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE FUCKING MY WIFE?

- ( thuds )
- ( grunts )

OH, MY EYE!

MY OLD MAN USED
TO SAY THAT

LOVE IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU FAIL

AT LIVING LIFE
ON YOUR OWN.

HE WAS GAY,
SO WHAT DID HE KNOW?

U.S. BILL,
IN LIGHT OF THE FACT

- THAT THE SPECIALS
ARE DISBANDING--
- NO.

HE MADE A MISTAKE.

- THAT ISN'T WHAT HE-
- HE SAID, "AS OF TODAY,
WE ARE NO LONGER."

WE ARE NO LONGER...

- AS WE ONCE WERE.
- Reporter: WHAT DID
HE MEAN BY THAT?

SOME GUYS ARE BEING
KICKED OUT.

WHO?

- MR. SMART.
- EXCUSE ME?

BECAUSE HE'S FAT
AND HE BOSSES ME AROUND.

- THAT'S TRUE.
- SHUT UP.

PUBLIC TRAGEDIES
ARE PART OF BEING
A SPECIAL.

EXAMPLE:

TWO YEARS AGO, MR. SMART
WENT TO THE GREENWICH VILLAGE

HALLOWEEN PARADE DRESSED UP
AS A JAPANESE P.O.W.

TALK ABOUT
YOUR BAD PRESS.

( car horn honks )

HEY, ARE YOU MINUTE MAN?

CAN WE HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

MINUTE MAN.

DO I LOOK LIKE A SOLDIER
FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR?
I DON'T THINK SO.

AM I WEARING
A THREE-CORNERED HAT? NO.

I TURN SMALL.
THINK!

FUCK YOU.

( tires screech )

THAT COSTUME
MAKES YOU LOOK GAY.

THIS IS THE PART
WHERE I GO HOME.

NIGHT, BILL.

BYE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHERE I'M GOING.

- IT'S A SECRET.
- YEAH.

I KNOW THE CURIOSITY
MUST BE KILLING YOU

WHO IS HE?

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU.
THAT'S MY PRIVILEGE.

IT IS KILLING ME,

BUT I'M GONNA
MAKE IT.

WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO COME IN TOMORROW, ARE WE?

UNLESS WE GET THIS
STRAIGHTENED OUT,

YOU SHOULD JUST
SLEEP IN.

- HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW--
- ANY ALCOHOL IN THE PUNCH?

- HOW'S YOUR EYE?
- IT'S--

DEADLY GIRL'S BEEN
WAITING TO DO THIS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SLEEP
AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT?

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THE BEST ONES NEVER ARE.

I NEED SOME TIME

TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.

HEY...

YOU KNOW IN THE LAST
"ROLLING STONE" COSTUMED
HERO POLL

- I WAS VOTED "MOST--"
- "MOST WITTY."

THE WORLD LOVES ME

AND YOU MARRIED TED.

IT'S FUNNY HOW
YOU ALWAYS WANT
WHAT THE OTHER GUY HAS.

GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, "MADE IN
SAN FELIPE."

WHERE WE FOUGHT
THE PTERODACTYLS.

NO WONDER I LOOK
LIKE LEIF ERICKSON.

YOU CAN'T TRUST
THOSE PEOPLE.

THEY'RE LIKE
LITTLE MONKEYS.

THEY CAN'T WORK A FACTORY,
THEY EAT MUD.

THEIR SPACE PROGRAM
IS THROWING PIECES

- OF BARK AT EACH OTHER.
- AMOK!

UH, POWER CHICK?

OH, JEEZ.

I'M GONNA DRINK AWAY
THE FACT THAT COME FRIDAY,

I AIN'T GONNA HAVE
A PAYCHECK.

COME ON.

I DON'T HAVE AN I.D.

( techno dance
music playing )

PINBALL.

- YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- I'LL HAVE A ROY ROGERS,
PLEASE.

GIVE ME A MAI TAI.
GREEN BOY, YOU WANT
A MAI TAI?

BLOODY MARY.

( jazz music playing )

I'M LOOKING FOR ZIP BOY.

- IS ZIP BOY HERE?
- ( zooms )

- TED.
- OH, HI.

- DON'T CALL ME THAT HERE.
- SORRY, JERRY.

- I'M SORRY.
- NO, THAT'S OKAY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

MY WIFE'S A WEEVIL FUCKER.

HELLO, MS. ESSEX.

EMILY?

HOW MUCH DOES THAT
NEW STANDARD JOB PAY?

THEY'LL COUGH UP
A COUPLE HUNDRED
GRAND A YEAR.

- GOOD.
- IT'S FULL TIME.

- GREAT.
- IN DETROIT.

I WANT TO LIVE THERE.

- YOU OKAY?
- I'M GREAT.

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I HAVE
A GREAT NEW JOB

AS A WELDING ASSHOLE!

WHEN CAN I START?

- ANYTIME.
- TOMORROW?

- SURE.
- EXCELLENT.

- I'LL DRAW UP
THE CONTRACTS.
- GREAT.

- MEET ME IN MY
OFFICE TOMORROW?
- NO PROBLEM.

- ABOUT 11:00?
- I'M THERE.

- BREAKFAST?
- CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.

HEY.
YOU'RE DEADLY GIRL?

YOU'RE...

FLOWER... HEAD?

SUNLIGHT GRRRL.

G-R-R-R-L?

RIGHT.

WE SAW ON THE NEWS.
YOU AND THE LOSERS
CALLED IT A DAY?

- WE?
- THE FEM FIVE.

I'M HERE TO ASK YOU
TO JOIN.

THEN YOU'D BE
THE FEM SIX.

THERE ARE ALREADY EIGHT OF US.
TRADITIONAL COUNTING

IS AN OPPRESSIVE
PATRIARCHAL TOOL.

( sighs )

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME

GET OFF MY
FUCKING LAWN, WHORE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
I DIDN'T NEED A FAMILY.

I MEAN I HAD THE DEMONS

AND THE WALKING SKELETONS,

BUT THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A KID

AND A WALKING SKELETON IS,

A KID WON'T EAT
THE SOFT PARTS OF YOUR FACE
WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING.

( elevator dings )

VERDICT WILL SEE YOU NOW.

SHELLY...

I'M TURNING MY SUIT IN.

IT'S NOT A BADGE.

I HAVE TO GO.

MAYBE WE CAN CONVINCE
TED TO FORGET THIS.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO.

I CAME HERE
TO FIGHT EVIL

AND ALL ANY OF YOU
PEOPLE EVER THINK ABOUT

IS HAVING SEX
AND YOUR EGOMANIAS

AND SELLING
YOUR TOYS.

- I HAVE TO GO.
- SHELLY--

( knocking on door )

I STARTED TO WRITE DOWN
A PLAN ON HOW TO GET TED

TO PUT THE GROUP
BACK TOGETHER.

IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.

EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
THAT'S THE VERY POINT.

- WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
- WHERE'S DUCK LASS?

- NIGHTBIRD.
- HER.

I GUESS UNREQUITED LOVE
IS SORT OF A GROUP TRADITION.

THIS ISN'T A PLAN, TIM.

IT'S A DRAWING OF YOUR BROTHER
WITH A BUTT FOR A FACE.

IT'S A SHITTY PLAN.
THAT'S WHY I NEED YOUR HELP.

- ISN'T THAT...
"FREEBIE AND THE BEAN"?
- "FREEBIE AND THE BEAN."

YEAH.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

( laughs )

♪ NOW WHEN YOU ARE KNEE-DEEP
IN AENEID'S FOOTNOTES ♪

♪ AND YOUR EYES
ARE CLOSING ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE YOUR HEX
OUT OF CONTEXT ♪

♪ AND WE WILL
STOP THIS POSING ♪

♪ I AM LOOKING
AT THE CEILING ♪

♪ THINKING ABOUT
NOTHING REALLY ♪

♪ THE CHURCH SONG ♪

♪ SO COME DOWN NOW ♪

♪ REMOVE YOUR BANDAGE ♪

♪ SO I CAN SEE
YOUR DAMAGE ♪

♪ MORE THAN
THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ SO COME DOWN NOW ♪

♪ REMOVE YOUR BANDAGE ♪

♪ SO I CAN SEE
YOUR DAMAGE ♪

♪ MORE THAN
THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ MORE THAN
THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ MORE THAN
THE LORD KNOWS. ♪

Verdict:
YOU KNOW WHAT FIRST RAN
THROUGH MY HEAD

WHEN I DISCOVERED
I WAS THE WORLD'S
STRONGEST MAN?

NO.

"THINK OF THE PUSSY,"
WEEVIL.

WHAT'S A PUSSY WEEVIL?

OH...

OH, GOD.
SORRY, I DIDN'T...

UNDERSTAND YOU...

BUT-- YEAH,
PUSSY, SURE.

I WAS BEING SMALL MINDED.

THE WORLD
IS OUR PUSSY.

SO, WHY ME?

WEEVIL IS A BRAND NAME
IN WHICH WE'D LIKE TO SHARE.

AND YOU HAVE THE...

SUPERPOWER
WE MOST ADMIRE.

YOU KNOW HOW
TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

YEAH, WELL.

WE ALSO HAVE
A LINE OF

CRUSADER BEANIE BABIES
COMING OUT IN AUGUST

AND NONE OF OUR
MEMBERS WEAR BLUE.

THE SYNERGY IS OBVIOUS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY,
ISN'T IT?

I MEAN WE GET
INTO THIS LINE OF WORK

AND START OUT
TO HELP PEOPLE,

AND THEN WE GET
SIDETRACKED INTO JUST--

WE'RE SUPERHUMAN, WEEVIL.

WE HELP PEOPLE
BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO,

NOT BECAUSE WE HAVE TO.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

SO I'D GET MY OWN
FLYING SAUCER?

AND IT'D BE SHAPED
LIKE A WEEVIL?

SO WHERE ARE THE REST
OF THE GUYS TONIGHT
THERE, TED?

OH, THEY'RE AROUND,
ORESTES.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
IF I JUST SIT HERE

- AND HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
- OH NO, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
GUYS HANG OUT.

A KID WALKS BY,

SEES THE GREAT STROBE,
YOU KNOW?

COMES IN
AND BUYS A DOUGHNUT.

HEY, ISN'T THAT
YOUR FRIEND?

YES, EIGHT.

EIGHT BODIES...

- ONE HEAD.
- ONE MIND.

ONE-- ONE MIND,
RIGHT.

I ALWAYS TELL MY FRIENDS

THEY'RE SO WEIRD,
YOU SHOULD BELIEVE IT.

- HELLO, EIGHT.
- All: TED.

- NEED HELP WITH
THE CLEANING, ORESTES?
- OH, SURE.

WORD IS THAT YOU'VE
DISBANDED THE GROUP.

I ONLY COUNT FIVE.

- WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOU?
- THE BAHAMAS.

- I'M TAKING
A LITTLE BREAK.
- THOUGHT I'D FLY AHEAD.

YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.

THE WORLD DOESN'T REALLY NEED
THE SPECIALS ANYMORE.

THE OTHER GROUPS
HAVE MADE US OBSOLETE.

- I'M NOT HERE TO--
- ASK YOU WHY, TED.

- I'M HERE
TO TELL YOU THAT IT--
- GOES AGAINST THE--

GRAIN.

YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE,
DON'T YOU?

SWITCHING AROUND
FROM BODY TO BODY

JUST TO FREAK ME OUT?

YOU KNOW I RARELY
INTERCEDE.

I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW THAT

DESPITE MY ALOOF
NATURE--

- I CARE. AND WHETHER--
- OR NOT THE WORLD--

- NEEDS THE SPECIALS--
- THE SPECIALS NEED
THE SPECIALS.

THE BOUNDARIES BETWEEN
YOU AND ME

ARE JUST SLIGHTLY THICKER
THAN BETWEEN HERE--

AND HERE.

- BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH I, TED--
- WE'RE BOTH "ME."

DIVISION MAKES LIFE
INTERESTING.

LESS LONELY, PERHAPS.

BUT IT'S AN ILLUSION,
LIKE MOST OF IT.

( all sigh )

THE SUNRISE.

I'M SITTING ON THE BEACH
IN THE BAHAMAS.

IT IS ASTOUNDING.

THE WORLD IS A--

- BEAUTIFUL--
- SAD--

- PERFECT THING.
- AND LOVE IS ONLY LOVE

- WHEN IT'S DIFFICULT,
- All: TED.

OKAY, THAT'S SPOOKY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.

I'VE ALREADY ACCEPTED
A POSITION IN THE...

FORWARD-LOOKING
INDUSTRY OF PLASTICS.

BUT THANKS
FOR STOPPING BY, EIGHT.

I DO HAVE A PLANE
TO CATCH.

AND THAT WOULD
BE MY HAND

BEATING THAT WOMAN
TO DEATH WITH THAT CROWBAR.

IT'S CLOSER TO THE TRUTH
THAN YOU THINK.

I LIKE THAT STORY.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
VOTE FOR IT?

EVERYONE WOULD COPY ME.

I STAY PASSIVE
UNLESS NECESSARY.

WHERE WAS THAT GUY
WHEN J.F.K GOT KILLED?

Woman:
BILL? THAT YOU?

MOM.

YOU OKAY, HONEY?
I SAW IT ON THE NEWS.

THE STROBE BROKE
US APART.

MAYBE IT'S JUST TIME
FOR YOU TO MOVE ON, SWEETIE.

MOM, THE WAY THE SHADOW
IS ON YOUR HEAD

LOOKS LIKE A HAT!

- IS IT STILL
LIKE A HAT?
- NO!

- WHAT ABOUT LIKE THIS?
- NOW IT'S LIKE AN EAR!

HELLO?
IS SOMEONE COMING?

I HEAR SOMEONE
WITH MY EAR!

( laughing )

DUDE, YOU GOT
THE HIGH SCORE.

SIMPLE TRIGONOMETRY.

- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
- I CAN TOO.

- YOU'RE GONNA RAPE DOGS?
- ALL PETS.

I'M GOING BACK
TO BEING A SUPERVILLIAN

AND THAT'S GOING TO BE
MY NEW THING.

BUT WHY ANIMALS?

THEY'RE ALWAYS
LOOKING AT ME.

♪ AND I MUST BE THE FUNKY
TARZAN CHILD ♪

♪ COME TO POSH IT UP
IN A MOVIE KIND OF WAY ♪

♪ AND IF WORDS ARE THE SIX
STRINGS ON A GUITAR... ♪

AMOK.

LISTEN,
YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.

I LIKE YOU.

- DO NOT.
- I DO!

YOUR CONTRARINESS
KEEPS US FROM RESTING
ON OUR LAURELS.

LAURELS?

QUIT MAKING UP WORDS.

AND TONY TELLS ME
YOU'RE A TERRIFIC ARTIST.

HE DID?

HE SAID YOUR VAN PAINTINGS
ARE, LIKE, AMAZING.

I DID ONE, ONE TIME.
HAD A BIG PAINTING

OF A BOWL OF FRUIT ON IT.
IT SAID, "VAN GO."

YOU KNOW,
VAN G-O?

THAT IS SO GREAT!

YOU WANNA GO BACK
TO MY PLACE?

I SHOULD'VE
SAW IT SOONER.

WE'RE LIKE YIN AND YANG.

MAGNETS.

- AMOK.
- WHAT?

I'M GAY!

I WAS ON THE COVER
OF "OUT" MAGAZINE.

- YOU'RE GAY?!
- BUT I THINK YOU'RE GREAT!

MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M SORRY.

( sighs )

- ( dance music plays )
- WHAT'S DOUG DOING?

OH, GOD.

♪ B.B. BUMBLE AND THE STINGERS,
MOTT THE HOOPLE, RAY CHARLES
SINGERS ♪

♪ LONNIE MACK
AND TWANGIN' EDDY, HERE'S MY
RING, WE'RE GOING STEADY ♪

♪ TAKE IT EASY,
TAKE ME HIGHER, LIAR, LIAR,
HOUSE ON FIRE ♪

♪ LOCOMOTION,
POCO PASSION, DEEPER PURPLE,
SATISFACTION ♪

♪ BABY, BABY,
GOTTA, GOTTA, GIMMEE GIMMEE,
GETTIN' HOTTER ♪

♪ SAMMY'S COOKIN',
LESLIE GORE AND RITCHIE VALENS,
END OF STORY ♪

♪ MAHAVISHNU,
FUJIYAMA, KAMA SUTRA,
RAMA LAMA ♪

♪ RICHARD PERRY,
SPECTOR BARRY, RIGHTEOUS
ARCHIES, NILSSON HARRY ♪

♪ SHIMMY SHIMMY,
KOKO BOPPIN' FATS IS BACK
AND FINGER POPPIN' ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO
ROLLED ME ♪

♪ GOTTA TURN IT UP
LOUDER ♪

♪ SO MY D.J.
TOLD ME ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO--
LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO--
WHOO! ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ ARTHUR JANOV'S
PRIMAL SCREAMIN', HAWKINS,
JAY AND DALE AND RONNIE ♪

♪ KUKLA, FRAN
AND NORMAN OKLA, DENVER JOHN
AND OSMOND DONNY ♪

♪ J.J. CALE
AND Z.Z. TOP AND L.L. BEAN
AND DEE DEE DINAH ♪

♪ DAVID BOWIE,
STEELY DAN AND SING ME PROUDER,
C.C. RIDER ♪

♪ EDGAR WINTERS,
JOANIE SOMMERS, IDES OF MARCH
AND JOHNNY THUNDER ♪

♪ ERIC CLAPTON,
PEDAL WAH-WAH, STEPHEN FOSTER,
OOH-DAH, OOH-DAH ♪

♪ GOOD VIBRATIONS,
HELP ME RHONDA, SURFER GIRL
AND LITTLE HONDA ♪

♪ TIGHTER TIGHTER,
HONEY HONEY, SUGAR SUGAR,
YUMMY YUMMY ♪

♪ C.B.S. AND WARNER BROTHERS,
R.C.A. AND ALL THE OTHERS ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO
ROLLED ME ♪

♪ WHOA WHOA
WHOA WHOA ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO
ROLLED ME ♪

♪ Life is a rock ♪

♪ AT THE END
OF MY RAINBOW ♪

♪ LIES A GOLDEN OLDIE ♪

♪ LISTEN... ♪

♪ THEY'RE PLAYING
OUR SONG. ♪

WHAT'S IT LIKE
SUMMONING DEMONS?

THEY DO YOUR WILL
AND THAT MAKES YOU
FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

DO YOU THINK
THAT MAKES ME CREEPY?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA JOIN
THE FEM FIVE.

LESBIAN-HEAD
ASKED ME.

REALLY?

( laughs )
DON'T. I HATE
WHEN YOU DO THAT.

- ( both giggling )
- NO, STOP. STOP, STOP.

- AH! OW!
- WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT? OH, SHIT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THE ZIPPER.

OH... SORRY.

LET ME SEE IT.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE PIECE
OF A SCRATCH.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS WEIRD.

ON DOUG'S PLANET,
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS ROMANTIC LOVE.

HIS PEOPLE REPRODUCE
ASEXUALLY.

- ( screaming )
- OH, NO. NO. NO.

IT'S OKAY. SHH.
SHH! IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY. UH-OH.
IN DOUG'S LANGUAGE

"REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY,"
AND, "THAT MAN'S COMING
TO TAKE YOUR TOY TRAIN"

SOUND VERY SIMILAR.

- ( whimpers )
- IT'S OKAY.

NANCY...
I'M THINKING.

ME, YOU,
DOUG, SMART?

WE'LL FORM OUR OWN
SUPERGROUP.

DOUG, GET YOUR MOUTH
OFF THAT.

- DENNIS WEAVER.
- I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I'VE GOT TO FILL MY FOREST
WITH GREEN COPS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
WHERE IS McCLOUD?

( howls )

( speaking gibberish )

- NO MORE BLOODY
MARYS FOR THAT GUY.
- Power Chick: DOUG.

I GOT A NAME
FOR THE GROUP.

REALLY?

"THE FUCK KILLS."
OUR MOTTO WOULD BE:

"YOU THINK YOU'RE BAD?
FUCK YOU!

WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU."
FUCK KILLS.

I CAN'T BREATHE.

- OW!
- DOUG!

I LIKE THE SPECIALS.

WE'VE JUST GOT TO GET
TED TO CHANGE HIS MIND.

YEAH.

I'M GAY.

( sighs )

( Doug speaking
gibberish )

HEY!

( crickets chirp )

HEY.

HEY!
HEY...

- HI.
- HI.

WHAT-- WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I CAME AFTER--

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

OH, YEAH SURE.
COME ON IN, I'LL...

MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE
OR SOMETHING.

- HERE YOU GO.
- THANKS.

SURE.

SO WHAT'S UP?

I HEARD YOU WERE JOINING
THE CRUSADERS.

THAT NAVY BLUE BASTARD.
( chuckles )

( sighs )

SO WHAT? DID YOU COME
HERE TO TRY TO TALK
ME OUT OF IT?

NO.

JUST TO SAY THANKS
BEFORE WE GO APART.

THANKS?

SEE,

WHEN I WAS
A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU REALLY MEANT
SOMETHING TO ME.

THAT STUFF YOU
SAID TO THE PAPERS

ABOUT HOW THE SPECIALS
WEREN'T MEANT FOR EVERYBODY.

THEY WERE MEANT
FOR THE ODDBALL...

- Both together: THE REBEL,
THE OUTCAST...
- GEEK.

YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

( snorts )
AY-YI-YI

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE
YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL.

( chuckles )

YOU'RE LIKE MY HERO,
I GUESS.

I MEAN,
ALL MY LIFE,

ALL I EVER WANTED
WAS TO BE A SPECIAL.

I USED TO ACTUALLY

WAKE UP EVERY MORNING
AND PRAY THAT I WOULD GET
STRETCHING POWERS.

OR FIND
A MICRO-IONIZED RING.

OR EAT AN ANCIENT
EGYPTIAN INSECT

THAT GAVE ME WEEVIL AGILITY
AND WEEVIL SENSES

AND WEEVIL STRENGTH.

THAT LAST ONE,
I'M FAMILIAR WITH.

BUT NOW,
MORE THAN ANYTHING

I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE
A REGULAR PERSON AGAIN.

NIGHTBIRD,

WHAT EXACTLY
ARE "BIRD POWERS"?

THEY'RE REALLY STUPID.

UM...

I CAN HEAR
REALLY WELL.

AND...

I DON'T REALLY TALK
TO BIRDS OR ANYTHING.

I MEAN, IT'S MORE LIKE
WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

THEY PREFER ME OVER
JOE BLOW.

RIGHT.

AND, UM...

I LAY EGGS.

YOU LAY EGGS?

- I'D BETTER GO.
- OH...

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

IN ALL THE TIME
THAT I'VE BEEN IN
THE SPECIALS

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
COME INTO THE FOLD

WHO WASN'T THERE
FOR A REASON.

OKAY?

THERE ARE NO
USELESS PEOPLE THERE.

WELL, EXCEPT
FOR MR. SMART.

- HE'S A WASHOUT, BUT--
- ( chuckles )

DID YOU SEE THAT MAXI PAD

HE HAD ON HIS FACE?

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE NUTS!

PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

THAT'S A REALLY
GOOD ONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE
TO USE THAT ONE.

TED.

EMILY.

- I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE HERE.
- I WAS JUST...

SORTING THROUGH
SOME FILES.

IN LIGHT OF THE...

GROUP'S BREAK-UP.

IF YOU WANT TO HELP,
THIS PILE PERTAINS

TO THE BUILDING FUND.

AND THIS PILE

PERTAINS TO
THE GROUP PAYROLL.

TED...

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?

THE GROUP'S FINI.

FINITO.

VERTIG.

- I MEAN--
- I WAS SAYING FINISHED

IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

I KNOW.

I MEANT REGARDING ME.

OH.

WELL I REALIZED
LAST NIGHT

IN A HEART-TO-HEART
CONVERSATION

- WITH EIGHT--
- OH, CHRIST.

THAT I'M VAIN
AND SELF-ABSORBED.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, EMILY,

"I THINK I'M CHOSEN
BY GOD"?

- I'M SORRY.
- I'M A BUFFOON.

- NO, TED--
- IT MUST BE HELL
TO BE MARRIED TO ME.

I AM SORRY.

BUT I THINK IT'S A HELL
THAT YOU DESERVE.

I'VE DECIDED
THAT THE BEST REVENGE
I COULD EVER EXACT UPON YOU

WOULD BE TO ACCEPT YOU
BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE.

- TED--
- YOU BLAME YOUR ACTIONS

WITH WEEVIL

ON MY EMOTIONAL DISTANCE?

( laughs )
YOU--

YOU WILL LEARN

THE TRUE MEANING
OF EMOTIONAL DISTANCE.

EH?

( sighs )

SO,

IF THESE ARE THE FILES
FOR THE BUILDING,

WHY IS LAST YEAR'S PAYROLL
IN THIS PILE?

BECAUSE THE GROUP WORKED
ON THE BUILDING?

- NO. TED--
- ( cell phone rings )

HELLO?
MR. SMART.

YES, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO COME IN.

HE'S NOT SUPPOSED
TO COME IN.

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED
AND GET OVER HERE.

Mr. Smart:
Excuse me, but--

HM.

GOOD MORNING.

DID YOU TWO SLEEP
TOGETHER LAST NIGHT?

IS ORAL SEX
SLEEPING TOGETHER?

YES.

I SEE.

- DOUGHNUTS FOR EVERYONE!
- ( door closes )

- HI.
- SHELLY.

- I'M BACK.
- ALL RIGHT!
I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

- I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
- LATE FOR NOTHING.

SHE SHOULD HAVE
NEVER ASKED YOU
TO COME IN.

WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING
ANY PANTS?

OH, GOD.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU SCREAM AT ME
ON THE PHONE.

I'M SENSITIVE.
MY OVERDEVELOPED MIND

IS ATTUNED TO THINGS
YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.

HAS ANYONE
NOTICED MR. SMART HAS
AN ENORMOUS PACKAGE?

- MY FATHER, TOO,
HAD A LARGE PENIS.
- ( door closes )

LAST NIGHT,
SOMEONE SPIKED THE PUNCH

TO GET ME DRUNK.

AND I DON'T WANT
TO CAUSE AN UPROAR,

BUT I THINK
IT WAS WEEVIL.

'CAUSE AS I WAS LEAVING,

HE WAS RUTHLESSLY GRILLING ME
ON MY SECRET IDENTITY.

- THIS IS INSANE.
- ONE HUGE MOTHERFUCKING TV,

JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
READ IT AND WEEP.

SO?

S-SO?

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, MAN!
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT HERE

WITH BILLIE JEAN KING
AND LORD OF THE DANCE!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON!

LOOK, I'VE ALREADY
ACCEPTED A POSITION

IN THE PLASTICS
INDUSTRY

AS A WELDING ASSHOLE.

BUT THE WORLD
NEEDS THE SPECIALS!

OTHER GROUPS
CAN DO A BETTER JOB.

BETTER?!

FUCK BETTER!

WE MAY NOT BE THE PRETTIEST
OR THE SMARTEST

OR THE MOST POWERFUL,

BUT WE DON'T EXIST
FOR THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
OF THE WORLD, TED.

WE'RE THERE
FOR THE ODDBALL,
THE REBEL,

- Both: THE OUTCAST,
- Both: THE GEEK.

THAT'S WHAT
WEEVIL SAID.

BABY, PLEASE.
HE STOLE IT FROM ME.

YOU STOLE IT
FROM A SPEECH I GAVE

AT THE UNIVERSITY
OF DELAWARE.

THE SPEECH I WROTE.

THIS IS ONLY HALF
OF LAST YEAR'S PAYROLL.

GOD DAMN IT, TED.
IF YOU WERE MY SIAMESE TWIN,

I'D FUCKING KILL YOU.

( loud footsteps )

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

TONY IS ON
THE BIG-ASS TV.

What's it like
leaving The Specials

after eight years?

Well, it's like
that old saying,

"What do you gotta do
to become a Special?"

You go to Special School.

( interviewer laughs )

Weevil:
No, but you know,
really...

I do feel like
The Specials

have degenerated
quite a bit

since my years
with Valiant Lass.

For example,
do you know what

the newest member's
superpower is?

She lays eggs.

( interviewer laughs )

( sobs )

WELL...

THEY OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T

KNOW THAT EACH EGG

CONTAINS A TRICK.

I MEAN, IT'S

NOT AS IF WE

INVITE JUST ANYONE
INTO OUR HOME.

WHAT KIND OF TRICK?

IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

YOU MEAN LIKE I'M WALKING
DOWN THE STREET

WITH SOME WEEVIL AGILITY,

AND SUDDENLY I GET
AN EGG FULL OF SULFURIC
ACID IN MY FACE?

Ted:
EXACTLY.

OR MAGIC STARS.

WHAT ABOUT A TINY
DRAGON THAT BITES?

- A MOLOTOV THING?
- RABIES!

OR A GUN.

- GELSONS.
- ( alarm sounds )

- ( cell phone rings )
- SPECIALS HQ.

YES?

ALL RIGHT.

THE PENTAGON'S BEEN
TAKEN OVER BY GIANT ANTS.

THE ANNIHILATORS
ARE IN EUROPE,

THE TRIO
ARE ON SATURN

AND THE CRUSADERS
ARE CAUGHT UP IN THEIR
PRESS TOUR.

WE'RE THE ONLY
ONES LEFT.

SMART?

I KNOW A LITTLE
SOMETHING ABOUT ANTS.

( buzzes )

( creaks )

( shrieks )

I GUESS IN THE END

I BELONG IN THE SPECIALS.

I DON'T--
I'M NOT HAPPY HERE.

I'D BE HAPPIER
SOMEWHERE ELSE.

MUCH HAPPIER.

BUT...

THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.

SINCE OUR SHORT BREAK-UP,

I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT
OF SHOOTING DOPE.

JUST KIDDING.
I DON'T--

I DON'T USE, UH,
DRUGS.

BUT I'M TRYING
TO LIGHTEN UP.

AND I THINK THAT'S
A FINE EXAMPLE

OF ME
LIGHTENING UP.

CONNECT WITH THE KIDS.

PUNKS.

BATTLES ARE PRETTY
A-NUMBER-ONE COOL.

WE WERE FIGHTING THESE
FIVE GUYS IN A WAREHOUSE

AND LIKE
THEY COULD SHOOT THEIR EYES
OUT OF THEIR EYES.

LIKE THEY COULD HIT YOU
WITH THEIR EYEBALLS.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T REALLY FIGHT,
I WAS IN A BIN BUT...

I CAN HEAR REALLY WELL
BECAUSE OF MY BIRD POWERS.

SO THAT'S REALLY
GONNA COME IN HANDY

WHEN I HAVE
TO TESTIFY IN COURT.

SOME DAYS ARE DIFFICULT

AND YOU JUST CANNOT FIND
IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO SMILE.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
MR. SMART SMILE MACHINE.

YOU JUST-- AH!
YEAH, SEE?!

HA HA! EVERYTHING'S
LOOKING UP NOW!

EVERYTHING'S LOOKING GOOD!

( laughing maniacally )

Man:
HEY, WEEVIL, CAN WE
GET AN INTERVIEW?

HEY, WEEVIL, THEY'RE
CALLING YOU A SELLOUT.

LOOK, I GOT A RIGHT
TO MY GODDAMN PRIVACY,
ALL RIGHT?

ARE THOSE NIPPLES
ON YOUR COSTUME?

SHIT!
BACK, BACK, BACK!

( rock music playing )

♪ YOU DID A MOON DROP ♪

♪ YOU DID A CAN OF WILD ♪

♪ YOU DID
A SPACE SHOT, HONEY ♪

♪ YOU DID A FLIP ♪

♪ YOU DID A TIDAL WAVE ♪

♪ YOU DID A COSMIC RAY ♪

♪ YOU DID
A HAND GRENADE, HONEY ♪

♪ YOU DID A FLIP ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID ♪

♪ OPEN TRAPDOOR,
WALKED ON THE OCEAN FLOOR ♪

♪ YOU DID ELECTRIC SHOCK
DOWN IN BALTIMORE ♪

♪ FROM CAPE CANAVERAL,
A WILD REBEL ♪

♪ LIKE A SPIDER'S WEB
DURING SPACE TRAVEL ♪

♪ AND IT FINDS ME
IN OUTER SPACE ♪

♪ YOU DANCE WITH YOURSELF
OUT OF THE SHELL ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID ♪

♪ EVER SINCE I KNEW YOU
YOU WERE ANALYZING ME ♪

♪ DID YOUR POWER MOVE ME? ♪

♪ I COULD SWEAR
THAT YOU HAD WINGS ♪

♪ SATURN, SOUTHAMPTON ♪

♪ THE SOUND OF WHAT
COULD HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID
AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID. ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH
HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH
HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH
HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH, OH YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH
HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH, OH YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH
HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

♪ They go on, they go on,
they go on, they go on ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

- ♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
- ♪ Go on, they go on ♪

♪ They go on, they go on,
they go on, they go on. ♪