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1
00:00:01,878 --> 00:00:04,672
- Well, it looks like
the cult is broke again.
2
00:00:04,673 --> 00:00:06,090
So we need to figure out
3
00:00:06,091 --> 00:00:07,967
how to use our country resources
4
00:00:07,968 --> 00:00:10,719
to convince outsiders
to give us their money
5
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,222
without forcing them
into a doomsday community
6
00:00:13,223 --> 00:00:14,223
they can never leave.
7
00:00:14,224 --> 00:00:15,599
- We need to?
8
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,685
- Yes. I need
you as a partner.
9
00:00:17,686 --> 00:00:18,936
- Partners?
10
00:00:18,937 --> 00:00:20,312
I hope going into
business together
11
00:00:20,313 --> 00:00:21,855
doesn't affect our
personal lives,
12
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,816
like it did in that one
episode of "City [bleep]."
13
00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,528
- This is the one where we
start a business together.
14
00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:29,488
- And it's affecting
our personal lives.
15
00:00:29,489 --> 00:00:31,615
- And me, I'm just sucking a D.
16
00:00:31,616 --> 00:00:32,992
- And I'm the lawyer one.
17
00:00:32,993 --> 00:00:34,952
Ah! [laughter]
18
00:00:34,953 --> 00:00:35,953
- God, I love that show.
19
00:00:35,954 --> 00:00:37,204
- Let's strategize.
20
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,206
What resources does
this place have?
21
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,750
- Well, we've got an
idyllic country location,
22
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,961
several beautiful barns
that hold a few hundred,
23
00:00:43,962 --> 00:00:46,797
a captive audience who loves
tradition-based celebrations,
24
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:49,049
musicians, mason jars,
a bunch of people
25
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,509
who are great at
giving speeches,
26
00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:52,761
and outdoor bathrooms that
can really take a beating.
27
00:00:52,762 --> 00:00:54,596
- That's it.
28
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:57,057
- Barn. wedding. porn?
29
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,225
- Dot com was taken.
30
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,643
City people are obsessed
31
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:01,312
with finding a Gram-worthy barn
32
00:01:01,313 --> 00:01:02,563
in the middle of
nowhere to marry
33
00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:03,897
their nothing boyfriends in.
34
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,232
So why not here?
35
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:06,317
What do you think?
36
00:01:06,318 --> 00:01:07,776
- I mean, I think it's perfect.
37
00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,612
Weddings here are...
They're a little different.
38
00:01:09,613 --> 00:01:11,530
[dramatic chanting]
39
00:01:11,531 --> 00:01:13,115
[goat bleating]
40
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,159
But I'm not cloistered like
these other cult weirdos.
41
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,785
Growing up, I had a secret TV,
42
00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,621
so I know how normal
people do weddings.
43
00:01:18,622 --> 00:01:19,955
- The only weird thing
about this wedding
44
00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,165
should be how good it is.
45
00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:22,374
Anyway, you already run a bar,
46
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,834
so you can head up food and bev.
47
00:01:23,835 --> 00:01:25,294
And I can take care of
schmoozing the city dummies
48
00:01:25,295 --> 00:01:27,421
and curating the high-quality
upcharge packages.
49
00:01:27,422 --> 00:01:28,714
We should have a
few weeks to prep.
50
00:01:28,715 --> 00:01:30,883
Holy crap, someone
booked it for tomorrow.
51
00:01:30,884 --> 00:01:32,718
- Wow, the couple
is from New York.
52
00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:34,637
Do you know them?
- New York's a pretty big town.
53
00:01:34,638 --> 00:01:36,930
I'm not just gonna
randomly know... [gasps]
54
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:38,807
- Hey, I know
him. That's Brian.
55
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,726
That's the guy you made us
make fake Instagram accounts
56
00:01:40,727 --> 00:01:42,227
and write mean comments
on all his posts for.
57
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:43,354
Oh, shit.
58
00:01:43,355 --> 00:01:44,772
Weren't you two engaged?
59
00:01:44,773 --> 00:01:47,024
- [screams]
60
00:01:47,025 --> 00:01:49,985
[upbeat music]
61
00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:53,364
? ?
62
00:01:53,365 --> 00:01:56,325
[quirky folk music]
63
00:01:56,326 --> 00:01:56,987
? ?
64
00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:08,754
[sobbing]
65
00:02:08,755 --> 00:02:10,297
- You okay?
66
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,174
- Yeah, I screamed it all
out, and I'm fine now.
67
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,342
So let's plan a wedding
68
00:02:13,343 --> 00:02:16,095
for my ex-fianc�
who cheated on me.
69
00:02:16,096 --> 00:02:17,805
- Okay, champ, while
you were screaming,
70
00:02:17,806 --> 00:02:19,932
I did make a plan, which
does involve a clipboard
71
00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:21,475
and a Britney Spears mic.
- Perf.
72
00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:23,435
And it makes total sense
that Brian and his fianc�e
73
00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:25,688
would book our barn and
get the guys' girl package.
74
00:02:25,689 --> 00:02:27,106
I knew that was a good add-on.
75
00:02:27,107 --> 00:02:28,315
- Which one is that again?
76
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,274
- The all-inclusive
wedding package
77
00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,609
for brides who don't have
78
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:32,403
any female friends
for whatever reason.
79
00:02:32,404 --> 00:02:34,655
We provide up to 12 bridesmaids.
80
00:02:34,656 --> 00:02:36,407
It's the kind of amenity
that sets us apart
81
00:02:36,408 --> 00:02:38,200
from other barns.
82
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:39,952
- Should we focus on
making your ex jealous
83
00:02:39,953 --> 00:02:41,870
or doing a good job
with our business?
84
00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:42,996
- We could do both.
85
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,498
Women are great at multitasking.
86
00:02:44,499 --> 00:02:46,917
First, we need to make
this town seem normal...
87
00:02:46,918 --> 00:02:48,419
Normal wedding normal.
88
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:50,671
Like in Colonial Williamsburg,
you see butter churning.
89
00:02:50,672 --> 00:02:52,506
You don't see, like, typhus.
90
00:02:52,507 --> 00:02:54,007
We're leading with
country forward
91
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,384
and cult nowhere.
92
00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:57,261
- Oh, so zero cult traditions?
93
00:02:57,262 --> 00:02:59,096
Because some of them
are kind of nice.
94
00:02:59,097 --> 00:03:00,222
[upbeat music]
95
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,015
Hey, I love this guy!
96
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:02,975
Get 'em, Tortie.
97
00:03:02,976 --> 00:03:04,685
Whoo!
98
00:03:04,686 --> 00:03:07,104
- I think people will really
respond to the country part
99
00:03:07,105 --> 00:03:09,523
if we can hide the other stuff.
100
00:03:09,524 --> 00:03:10,774
New Yorkers are super judgy.
101
00:03:10,775 --> 00:03:12,651
- Oh, right, like on TV shows.
102
00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:14,987
- Right. Now let's
give out some jobs.
103
00:03:14,988 --> 00:03:17,114
Crowd: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!
104
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:20,033
- Citizens of New Utopia,
there is going to be
105
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:23,704
a wedding here with
guests from New York City.
106
00:03:23,705 --> 00:03:24,913
- New York City?
107
00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:26,748
- That's right,
Incredulous Cowboy.
108
00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:28,292
A lot needs to get
done in one day.
109
00:03:28,293 --> 00:03:29,460
And if we do it right,
110
00:03:29,461 --> 00:03:30,878
we could get great word of mouth
111
00:03:30,879 --> 00:03:32,129
and lots more money.
112
00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:33,882
So it's all hands on deck.
113
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:37,968
[quietly] I thought that
was an applause line.
114
00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:39,344
- Just catch your breath.
115
00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:42,598
Anyway, each person
will be assigned a job.
116
00:03:42,599 --> 00:03:43,599
- Whoa!
117
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,892
[cheering]
118
00:03:44,893 --> 00:03:47,186
- And each job is important.
119
00:03:47,187 --> 00:03:49,980
[cheering]
120
00:03:49,981 --> 00:03:51,690
- You, the former yoga teacher,
121
00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,609
you have a front-of-house
face and body.
122
00:03:53,610 --> 00:03:55,194
You'll run coat check.
123
00:03:55,195 --> 00:03:56,653
You, the yuppies who fled
124
00:03:56,654 --> 00:03:58,322
various large
cities to come here,
125
00:03:58,323 --> 00:03:59,781
you'll pass out apps and make
126
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:02,117
light, city-appropriate
banter with the guests.
127
00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:03,827
And where are my wives at?
128
00:04:03,828 --> 00:04:05,704
- Hi Petey. Way ahead of you.
129
00:04:05,705 --> 00:04:07,915
You'd like us to spit on Wendy?
130
00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:10,000
- Close. You're
gonna be bridesmaids.
131
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,252
- Brides... maids.
132
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,588
So we all marry him
and then we clean?
133
00:04:14,589 --> 00:04:15,964
- No, it's nothing weird.
134
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,716
You just wake up at 5:00 a. m.,
135
00:04:17,717 --> 00:04:20,093
watch nine people slowly
get their makeup done.
136
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,513
You bankrupt yourself going
to Nashville or New Orleans
137
00:04:22,514 --> 00:04:23,972
until you hate the bride.
138
00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,599
- I think I'm from Nashville.
139
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,267
- And you all wear
the same dress
140
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,186
while one woman yells
at you and expects you
141
00:04:29,187 --> 00:04:30,729
to blindly obey
her every demand.
142
00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:31,772
You think you can do that?
143
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:33,273
- That sounds great.
144
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:34,608
- Spit on me too.
- Super!
145
00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:36,276
- Great. And that's everyone.
146
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,403
- What about us wackadoos?
147
00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:40,739
- Right, you guys.
148
00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,282
- Go get pine cones.
149
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,993
- But the pine trees
are really f... [gasps]
150
00:04:44,994 --> 00:04:47,371
Go get pine cones.
151
00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:49,998
- Pine cones!
152
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,083
- Thank you for leaving
153
00:04:51,084 --> 00:04:52,793
the most important job for last.
154
00:04:52,794 --> 00:04:54,127
What should I do?
155
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,879
Prepare the blood chalice
or the bone throne?
156
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:56,922
Oh, what am I saying?
157
00:04:56,923 --> 00:04:58,465
I'll find the sacred tortoise.
158
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,634
Can't have a wedding
without the sacred tortoise.
159
00:05:00,635 --> 00:05:03,303
- Oh, actually Mae Mae, I think
me and Eliza have it covered.
160
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:06,223
But you can, um, hand out
welcome gifts at the hotel.
161
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:09,017
That would be super helpful.
162
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,811
[dramatic music]
163
00:05:10,812 --> 00:05:13,063
- Once again, the great daughter
164
00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:15,232
has forgotten the elders.
165
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:18,193
- Does she not know that
we tear up the dance floor?
166
00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:22,197
- She'll see how fun we are
when we crash the wedding.
167
00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:25,284
- We love wedding crashers,
the movie and the concept.
168
00:05:25,285 --> 00:05:26,368
- Although we've
never seen the movie.
169
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,411
- I've seen it.
170
00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:28,537
- No you haven't.
171
00:05:28,538 --> 00:05:30,956
Beware us!
172
00:05:30,957 --> 00:05:33,542
[twangy country music]
173
00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:36,378
? ?
174
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,005
- Bob's team said they
were gonna take care of it.
175
00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:39,631
Sorry, conference call.
176
00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:42,718
- Conference call.
- Conference call.
177
00:05:42,719 --> 00:05:44,136
- I used to be the one
mouthing "conference call,"
178
00:05:44,137 --> 00:05:46,555
and now I'm the one being
mouthed "conference call" to.
179
00:05:46,556 --> 00:05:49,349
This wedding has to
rock their stupid asses.
180
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,059
- All of their asses,
or just your ex?
181
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,436
'Cause I need to plan.
182
00:05:52,437 --> 00:05:54,354
- I can't believe I
almost married that loser.
183
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,856
Ugh, poor Amy.
184
00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:57,482
I bet I'll feel bad for
her when I meet her.
185
00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:59,318
- No way. She for sure sucks.
186
00:05:59,319 --> 00:06:01,528
80 comet bucks says she does
a slow dance with her dad.
187
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,447
- Like that episode
of "City [bleep]."
188
00:06:03,448 --> 00:06:06,241
[saccharine music]
189
00:06:06,242 --> 00:06:08,118
- Ugh, yikes.
190
00:06:08,119 --> 00:06:09,703
- And I'm the lawyer.
191
00:06:09,704 --> 00:06:10,954
[laughter]
192
00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:13,415
- And I'm just sucking a D.
193
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,875
Both: God, I love that show.
194
00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:17,419
- Wife Beth, you look
cute, which is wrong.
195
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:18,629
You should look good in pictures
196
00:06:18,630 --> 00:06:20,797
but terrible in real
life. Bigger eyelashes.
197
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:21,883
- On it.
198
00:06:23,927 --> 00:06:25,177
- I mean, what is this?
199
00:06:25,178 --> 00:06:27,137
Doling out bags
of tiny Pedialyte
200
00:06:27,138 --> 00:06:29,264
and sachets of seeds
from local flowers.
201
00:06:29,265 --> 00:06:31,058
I'm tired of being pushed aside.
202
00:06:31,059 --> 00:06:32,059
I don't have a job.
203
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:33,310
I don't have a purpose.
204
00:06:33,311 --> 00:06:34,937
I could just die.
205
00:06:34,938 --> 00:06:38,231
- Now it's a wedding, at
least where I come from.
206
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,067
I'm Aunt Maxine. Whose aunt?
207
00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:41,068
Who cares?
208
00:06:41,069 --> 00:06:42,194
[laughs]
209
00:06:42,195 --> 00:06:43,279
- Wow.
210
00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:48,367
- ? I took a ride ?
211
00:06:48,368 --> 00:06:50,035
- [gasps]
212
00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:51,787
- ? On the side ?
213
00:06:51,788 --> 00:06:54,081
? Of the swan ?
214
00:06:54,082 --> 00:06:57,042
? Ee ?
215
00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,752
- Petey, snap out of it,
216
00:06:58,753 --> 00:07:00,671
because your ex-fianc�
and his new fianc�
217
00:07:00,672 --> 00:07:01,963
are trying to say hi.
218
00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:03,465
- Hi, I'm Amy.
219
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:04,925
Oh, you know this guy.
220
00:07:04,926 --> 00:07:06,426
Anyway, we need a shower.
221
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,845
There's so much dirt
here. I love it.
222
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,305
- Remember how you
were gonna help make
223
00:07:10,306 --> 00:07:12,349
my ex jealous at his wedding?
- Already all over it.
224
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:14,559
- You hired me a hot
escort as a fake date?
225
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,144
You did watch TV!
226
00:07:16,145 --> 00:07:17,939
- [groaning]
227
00:07:19,399 --> 00:07:21,817
- So this isn't a job.
Who wants to work?
228
00:07:21,818 --> 00:07:24,945
The thing about a rat race
is, you're surrounded by rats.
229
00:07:24,946 --> 00:07:26,488
No thanks.
230
00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:28,198
[laughs] Here you go.
231
00:07:28,199 --> 00:07:29,783
It's got seeds. Who cares?
232
00:07:29,784 --> 00:07:30,867
I'm retired and loving it.
233
00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:32,577
Now you try.
234
00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:34,496
- Here you go.
It has Pedialyte.
235
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:35,789
I've become obsolete.
236
00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:38,041
I'm a Rolodex. I'm an iPod.
237
00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:40,043
Bury me in the ground
where no one can find me,
238
00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,628
then throw me in the trash.
239
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:44,131
- Oh Mae Mae, so your
working days are over.
240
00:07:44,132 --> 00:07:45,507
Embrace it.
241
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:47,718
The opposite of
working is living.
242
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:49,344
Say, do you know where
a couple of older gals
243
00:07:49,345 --> 00:07:51,596
can have a little fun?
244
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:52,764
[chatter]
245
00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,474
- Nice cornhole!
246
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:55,809
- So excited.
- Blech.
247
00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:57,686
I hope my date is better
than these groomsmen.
248
00:07:57,687 --> 00:07:58,854
[motorcycle revving]
249
00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:01,148
[rock music]
250
00:08:01,149 --> 00:08:02,733
- ? Yeah, uh ?
251
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,192
? You're like a handgun
252
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,819
? And you're going
against a cannon ?
253
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,697
? Yeah ?
254
00:08:08,698 --> 00:08:10,907
- Someone order the
"make your ex jealous
255
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:13,034
at his wedding" package?
256
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:14,077
- Ugh.
257
00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:15,955
- Oh, that Bandit.
258
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,082
- You're the escort
for my ex's wedding?
259
00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,333
Ugh, no.
260
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,335
- I believe in
serving my community.
261
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:25,297
Even low-life,
terrible, cult scum...
262
00:08:25,298 --> 00:08:28,049
Sexy, gorgeous, captivating,
263
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,677
French-adjacent,
no-pore smoke shows.
264
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,012
[smooching]
265
00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:33,638
- Ooh!
266
00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:35,140
Fine.
267
00:08:35,141 --> 00:08:37,309
I expect you to be the
ideal wedding date.
268
00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:39,561
You should be at my side
but not afraid to mingle.
269
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,229
Look hot, but keep
the focus on me.
270
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,647
And when my feet hurt
at the end of the night,
271
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:43,940
give me...
- Slow your horses now.
272
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:45,525
This ain't my first rodeo.
273
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:47,444
How's about you let
me take the reins?
274
00:08:47,445 --> 00:08:48,904
- Ugh, horse metaphors.
275
00:08:48,905 --> 00:08:50,614
- Women love horses.
276
00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:53,033
[upbeat country music]
277
00:08:53,034 --> 00:08:56,912
? ?
278
00:08:56,913 --> 00:08:59,498
- Emmett, remember that this
should be flavorless and wet.
279
00:08:59,499 --> 00:09:01,917
The salad can't taste
good or be healthy.
280
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:04,127
The meat slice should be
resting atop two green beans,
281
00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:05,545
and I want it
all lukewarm. Go!
282
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:06,588
Go! Go!
283
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:07,631
- I love love!
284
00:09:07,632 --> 00:09:08,549
[laughs]
285
00:09:10,093 --> 00:09:11,468
- Hey, Amy.
286
00:09:11,469 --> 00:09:13,053
Sorry your bridal
suite is a hay loft.
287
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:14,346
Is that too rustic?
288
00:09:14,347 --> 00:09:15,806
- [rasping] It's
exactly what I wanted!
289
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:16,890
- Ah!
290
00:09:16,891 --> 00:09:18,100
Oh, great.
291
00:09:18,101 --> 00:09:19,601
Is that your voice?
292
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,520
- [normally] No,
I'm just excited.
293
00:09:21,521 --> 00:09:23,730
I'm marrying the person
you were supposed to marry.
294
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:24,981
Isn't that funny?
295
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,358
What a crazy coincidence
296
00:09:26,359 --> 00:09:27,901
that we booked your barn.
297
00:09:27,902 --> 00:09:30,237
I guess the universe wanted
you to watch it happen!
298
00:09:30,238 --> 00:09:33,073
- Yeah.
[laughs] Thanks, universe.
299
00:09:33,074 --> 00:09:35,075
[forced laughter]
300
00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:37,077
- Anyway, I know things
didn't quite work out
301
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:39,037
between you and Brian. So sad.
302
00:09:39,038 --> 00:09:40,747
But I just wanted
to say thank you
303
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:41,957
for getting him ready for me.
304
00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:43,291
He's so wonderful now.
305
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,377
Isn't that so funny?
306
00:09:45,378 --> 00:09:46,753
- Hey babe, you're crushing it.
307
00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,754
I got you some snacks.
308
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,297
God, you're hot.
309
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:50,632
Who's this?
310
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,592
You must be the groom's sister.
311
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:55,554
- Bandit, this is
the bride, Amy.
312
00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:57,556
- Oh right, she's
marrying her cousin?
313
00:09:57,557 --> 00:09:59,432
- No, my ex.
314
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,433
You're silly.
315
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,476
- [clears throat]
316
00:10:01,477 --> 00:10:02,561
And how did you two meet?
317
00:10:02,562 --> 00:10:04,646
Probably online or a dumpster.
318
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:07,732
- We met, um, surfing.
319
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:10,110
- On a veranda in
the south of France
320
00:10:10,111 --> 00:10:12,696
at a big rich person party.
321
00:10:12,697 --> 00:10:14,698
Her perfume wafted toward me.
322
00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:17,784
My pheromones wafted toward her.
323
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,370
And we wafted each
other all night long.
324
00:10:20,371 --> 00:10:21,830
- [sighs]
325
00:10:21,831 --> 00:10:23,623
- I'm gonna help Gam
Gam sign the guestbook.
326
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,501
- Oh.
[giggles] Get out of here.
327
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,212
- Hey Petey, I hate to
put you on the spot,
328
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,214
but would you be
my maid of honor?
329
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,549
- Whoa, really? Why?
330
00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:33,758
- Or matron of honor.
331
00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,093
I don't know how old you are.
332
00:10:35,094 --> 00:10:36,469
So I don't have a ton
of female friends.
333
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,096
No idea why.
334
00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:41,099
And I want you to be next
to me when I marry Brian.
335
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,726
You'll be the second
most important person
336
00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:44,269
at this wedding because you were
337
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:46,855
the second most
important person to him.
338
00:10:46,856 --> 00:10:48,106
Does that make sense?
339
00:10:48,107 --> 00:10:50,442
- Oh. Uh, I don't know.
340
00:10:50,443 --> 00:10:52,027
- [rasping] It was
included in the package!
341
00:10:52,028 --> 00:10:53,278
- Ah!
342
00:10:53,279 --> 00:10:55,071
- This is my own
proprietary blend,
343
00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:57,115
sure to cause gastric distress.
344
00:10:57,116 --> 00:10:58,658
If I'd had a little
more time to prepare,
345
00:10:58,659 --> 00:10:59,993
I'd have put it in the dressing,
346
00:10:59,994 --> 00:11:02,245
but it works the same
sprinkled on top.
347
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:04,664
If I get everyone sick,
they'll need my help.
348
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,583
And if the people
with jobs get sick,
349
00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:08,084
I'll get all the jobs.
350
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,544
- You can't be serious.
351
00:11:09,545 --> 00:11:11,129
When I said have
some fun, I meant
352
00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:12,964
do something that
brings you pleasure,
353
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:15,091
not poison a salad bar for work.
354
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,760
- But scheming to
me feels orgasmic.
355
00:11:16,761 --> 00:11:18,136
And I should know.
356
00:11:18,137 --> 00:11:19,763
I've been in plenty
of orgies, the thing
357
00:11:19,764 --> 00:11:22,641
where a dozen women
focus on one man.
358
00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:24,809
- Honey, you need to stop
thinking about others
359
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,811
and think about what you need.
360
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:29,189
When I was forced to
retire by my large company
361
00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:30,899
simply for not wanting
to use the computer,
362
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,400
I took it hard, too,
363
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:33,985
but then, one day,
I opened my eyes,
364
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:36,655
and do you know
what I discovered?
365
00:11:36,656 --> 00:11:38,823
The world is my oyster!
366
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:41,743
[uplifting music]
367
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:42,744
[both gasp]
368
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:43,912
- Oh!
369
00:11:43,913 --> 00:11:45,038
[laughs]
370
00:11:45,039 --> 00:11:48,708
["Pachelbel's Canon" playing]
371
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:52,045
- The mixing of sand
signifies the mixing
372
00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:54,214
of both of our lives.
373
00:11:54,215 --> 00:11:55,508
- Oof. Ugh.
374
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,011
- And now, for the first time,
375
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:02,889
please welcome Mr. and Mrs...
376
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,683
Ah, you know their name.
377
00:12:04,684 --> 00:12:06,268
Don't we all know their name?
378
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:08,729
[applause]
379
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:12,857
[romantic music]
380
00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:17,862
? ?
381
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,114
- [whispering] You
are embarrassing me.
382
00:12:19,115 --> 00:12:20,699
- Well, enough of that.
383
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,534
Let's do a couple's dance.
384
00:12:22,535 --> 00:12:24,911
Specifically that couple.
385
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,289
- ? When you can't let go ?
386
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:29,165
? I'm in control ?
387
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:33,003
? I'm on it so ?
388
00:12:33,004 --> 00:12:34,796
- Where did you learn to dance?
389
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,006
- Your dad.
390
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:37,590
The first five cult scout badges
391
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,468
were all in ballroom dance.
392
00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:43,346
- ? Making you so high
you won't go down ?
393
00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:45,140
[crowd exclaims]
- Oh.
394
00:12:45,141 --> 00:12:47,851
? ?
395
00:12:47,852 --> 00:12:51,021
- Let's dance, dad.
396
00:12:51,022 --> 00:12:52,647
- Pretend to faint.
397
00:12:52,648 --> 00:12:54,316
[gasps]
398
00:12:54,317 --> 00:12:55,400
Shut the music!
399
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:57,610
Babe, are you okay?
400
00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:01,239
The most jealousy-inducing
thing a woman can do...
401
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,825
- Is be attended
to after fainting.
402
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:05,952
- Brian, what the F?
403
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,662
Why are you attending to her?
404
00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:08,998
[sobbing]
405
00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:12,167
- [sobbing]
406
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:15,045
[melancholy music]
407
00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,421
? ?
408
00:13:16,422 --> 00:13:18,715
- Hey girl, everything okay?
409
00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:21,551
- Don't look at me
with your perfect life
410
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,886
and hot boyfriend,
411
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:24,929
this business with
your best friend.
412
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,598
Your hair is always moving.
413
00:13:26,599 --> 00:13:29,809
I'm so jealous I
could [bleep] die.
414
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:31,019
- Oh!
415
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,479
Well, don't want that.
416
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,648
I know my life may look
perfect, but it's not.
417
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,649
- Really?
418
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:37,859
- Yeah.
419
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,027
I mean, I feel
out of place here.
420
00:13:39,028 --> 00:13:41,112
They have all these
freaky traditions.
421
00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:42,530
I swear, every
time I turn around,
422
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,365
they're doing something
random and insane.
423
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:46,493
[both laugh]
424
00:13:46,494 --> 00:13:48,203
- Talking shit
about other people
425
00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:50,330
made me feel really
close to you.
426
00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:51,414
You rock, Petey.
427
00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:52,665
- Hey, look at you.
428
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,417
You came here with
no female friends,
429
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:55,836
and you're leaving with one.
430
00:14:03,094 --> 00:14:05,345
- There's a pine cone!
431
00:14:05,346 --> 00:14:07,555
There's another pine cone!
432
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:08,681
- Oh.
433
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:09,725
Could it be?
434
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:17,982
- No one tells me what to do.
435
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:20,193
I can put ice cubes in my wine,
436
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,611
wine in my coffee,
437
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,029
coffee up my butt!
438
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,116
[both laugh]
439
00:14:26,117 --> 00:14:28,368
- Oh, I love that
you can say "butt."
440
00:14:28,369 --> 00:14:29,536
[laughs]
441
00:14:29,537 --> 00:14:30,620
- That's nothing.
442
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:32,622
Let's kick this up a notch.
443
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:35,416
Come on, live a little.
444
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,919
Take that, computers.
445
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,838
- I'm yelling for me.
446
00:14:39,839 --> 00:14:40,880
Butt!
447
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:44,050
[both laughing]
448
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,552
- Hey, watch it, grandma.
449
00:14:45,553 --> 00:14:46,928
- Buddy, I'm not a grandma.
450
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:48,972
I'm a childless aunt.
451
00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:51,392
It's our world. You're
just living in it.
452
00:14:53,269 --> 00:14:55,979
- Oh, the sacred
tortoise is back.
453
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,355
This will be fun.
454
00:14:57,356 --> 00:15:00,192
I know what fun is
now because of you.
455
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:03,361
- What's that noise?
456
00:15:03,362 --> 00:15:05,446
[laughs]
457
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,282
- The elders have crashed.
458
00:15:07,283 --> 00:15:09,784
- We're doing the
thing from the movie.
459
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:12,036
- Vince Vaughn forever!
460
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:14,622
[men cheering]
- Vince Vaughn forever!
461
00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:15,623
- Corn hole.
462
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,293
- Oh, no.
- [gasps]
463
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:22,046
- We have found
all the pine cones!
464
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,299
- And we found something better.
465
00:15:24,300 --> 00:15:28,094
- ? The sacred tortoise ?
466
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,805
- The sacred tortoise
has returned?
467
00:15:30,806 --> 00:15:33,183
All: Now it's a wedding.
468
00:15:33,184 --> 00:15:35,143
- You can see it.
469
00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:36,644
It's the tortoise!
470
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,980
Shake it, shake it, shake it!
471
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:40,523
- Oh, my God.
472
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:41,524
What is this?
473
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,026
Eliza, fix it!
474
00:15:43,027 --> 00:15:44,235
- No way.
475
00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:45,361
The tortoise is back!
476
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,405
? You can feel it ?
477
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:48,948
all: It's the tortoise!
478
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,241
Shake it, shake it, shake it!
479
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,910
- What the eff is going on?
480
00:15:51,911 --> 00:15:53,745
- The sacred tortoise
has been found.
481
00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:56,497
It's a symbol of peace and love
that went missing years ago.
482
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,249
- Eliza, what the
hell are you doing?
483
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,168
- I know I'm blas�
about most things,
484
00:16:00,169 --> 00:16:01,836
but this is just fun.
485
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,421
Come on, let's dance.
486
00:16:03,422 --> 00:16:05,089
[laughter]
487
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,883
- Oh my God, you were right.
488
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,718
These people are weird.
489
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:09,719
Like, look at her.
490
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,763
She's, like, so happy.
491
00:16:11,764 --> 00:16:13,473
Agree with me fast or
I'll tell people back home
492
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:14,599
you are weird too.
493
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:15,642
[both laugh]
494
00:16:15,643 --> 00:16:16,560
- Yes.
495
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,731
Eliza, wait.
496
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:25,193
- Want some sexy punch, sexy?
497
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:27,737
- Eliza, I know I shouldn't
have laughed at you,
498
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:30,823
but why were you doing
that tortoise thing?
499
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,284
- Not every religious person is
the same amount of religious.
500
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,535
You have a Christmas tree.
501
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:35,536
Do you go to mass
on Good Friday?
502
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:36,788
No.
503
00:16:36,789 --> 00:16:38,122
And I learned that
504
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,666
from the Lent episode
of "City [bleep]."
505
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,000
Don't cut to it.
506
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,169
- Behind. I'm coming through.
507
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,879
- Why are they still
working and how
508
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:45,964
is there this much soup?
509
00:16:45,965 --> 00:16:47,006
- We love soup.
510
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,675
What, is that weird too?
511
00:16:48,676 --> 00:16:50,802
- Actually, New York has
several restaurants that...
512
00:16:50,803 --> 00:16:53,930
- Oh, my God, stop
talking about New York.
513
00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:55,556
You people think you're
the center of the universe,
514
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,058
but you just look sad.
515
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,269
You should be embarrassed
of your culture, not us.
516
00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:00,478
- Eliza...
- Sorry,
517
00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:01,980
I have more soup to serve.
518
00:17:01,981 --> 00:17:04,274
Behind!
519
00:17:04,275 --> 00:17:05,984
- Petey, there you are.
520
00:17:05,985 --> 00:17:08,861
I had so much fun laughing at
those freaks with you earlier.
521
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,155
You're just in time for
your speech about me.
522
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,865
- You want me to give a speech?
523
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,075
- [rasping] It's
included in the package!
524
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,452
- Ah!
525
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:21,207
Whoa. Hello, everyone.
526
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:22,625
I'm Petey.
527
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,836
That was weird back there, huh?
528
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:26,629
[laughter]
529
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:30,174
But I want to ask you
all, what isn't weird?
530
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,927
If you think about it, even
normal weddings are weird.
531
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:35,054
Throwing rice at people's hair.
532
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:37,473
Taking off the
bride's leg underwear
533
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,434
and tossing it at her cousins.
534
00:17:39,435 --> 00:17:41,519
- Nice.
535
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,521
- Eating a full
meal on your feet
536
00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:47,567
and then sitting down
for another full meal.
537
00:17:47,568 --> 00:17:48,776
That's weird.
538
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,236
And marriage is weird.
539
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,696
[laughter]
540
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:53,448
Promising the rest of
your life to someone?
541
00:17:53,449 --> 00:17:55,033
That makes no sense.
542
00:17:55,034 --> 00:17:56,993
But that's what traditions are.
543
00:17:56,994 --> 00:17:59,370
They're doing something
that makes no sense
544
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,457
with the people you love
because you love them.
545
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:05,126
It makes you feel like
you're from somewhere,
546
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,753
like you're a part of something,
547
00:18:06,754 --> 00:18:08,630
even if that means
doing a line dance
548
00:18:08,631 --> 00:18:10,006
with a sacred turtle.
549
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:10,965
- Tortoise.
[laughter]
550
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:12,133
- Thank you.
551
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,176
Anyway, the point is,
552
00:18:13,177 --> 00:18:14,802
it's not about what you do.
553
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,721
It's about who you do it with.
554
00:18:16,722 --> 00:18:18,348
And that's why I
want to raise a glass
555
00:18:18,349 --> 00:18:19,932
to the woman of the hour.
556
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,018
I haven't known her that
long, but the truth is,
557
00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:24,854
she's my best friend.
558
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:26,564
Eliza.
- What?
559
00:18:26,565 --> 00:18:29,400
- Sure, she's a
wackadoo, but so am I.
560
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:31,486
And the only thing
better than one wackadoo
561
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:34,197
is two wackadoos.
562
00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:39,535
To the bride and groom, but
mostly to this tortoise.
563
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,497
[cheering]
564
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,753
- This is exactly why I
don't have female friends.
565
00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:51,756
- Oh, you don't bow to
the tortoise, Petey.
566
00:18:51,757 --> 00:18:53,716
You have sex with it.
- Really?
567
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:56,010
- [laughs] No.
568
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:57,846
[fireworks exploding]
569
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,140
- [laughing]
570
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:04,102
[warm music]
571
00:19:04,103 --> 00:19:08,314
? ?
572
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,441
- Congrats, Brian.
573
00:19:12,111 --> 00:19:13,903
- Thank you for
a lovely evening.
574
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,279
[cash register sound]
575
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,657
You self-centered,
manipulative little...
576
00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:19,701
- Can we... can we do
this tomorrow, Bandit?
577
00:19:19,702 --> 00:19:21,035
I'm tired.
578
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:22,203
And you did good today.
579
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,205
- Oh. Thanks.
580
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:27,417
Pleasure doing business.
581
00:19:27,418 --> 00:19:29,001
Uh...
- Oh. Okay.
582
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,420
Yeah.
583
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:33,965
[soft country music]
584
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:36,259
- I learned so much
from you, Aunt Maxine,
585
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:38,094
not all of it good.
586
00:19:38,095 --> 00:19:40,680
A lot of it scared me.
587
00:19:40,681 --> 00:19:42,390
But that's part of the fun.
588
00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:43,599
I know that now.
589
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,892
- Don't work too hard.
590
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:47,311
- I'll never forget you.
591
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:48,479
Wow.
592
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,816
My first Jewish friend.
- What?
593
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,903
- ? Don't you
forget about me ?
594
00:19:55,904 --> 00:20:00,032
? I'll be alone dancing
and you know it, baby ?
595
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,745
? Going to take you apart ?
596
00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:07,790
? I'll put us back
together at heart, baby ?
597
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:12,962
? Don't you forget about me ?
598
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:15,339
? Don't, don't, don't, don't ?
599
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:16,966
? Don't you ?
600
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:19,636
[music winds down]
? Forget about me ?
601
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:24,974
[music winds up] ?
As you walk on by ?
602
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:28,811
? Will you call my name ?
603
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:32,482
? As you walk on by ?
604
00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:38,404
? Will you call my name ?
605
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,823
? La la la la ?
606
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,617
? La la la la ?
607
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:44,243
? La la la la ?
608
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,662
? La la la la la la ?
609
00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,289
? La la la ?
610
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,167
? La la la la ?
611
00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:54,767
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