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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,170 --> 00:00:07,240 Good evening, New Yorkers, 2 00:00:07,270 --> 00:00:09,710 and welcome to Channel 8 News, Live at 7. 3 00:00:09,740 --> 00:00:12,310 -I'm Ted Spinelli. -And I'm Lisa Lipton. 4 00:00:12,350 --> 00:00:14,520 A big day in news across the city, 5 00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:16,450 but we begin in Staten Island, 6 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,080 where a water main break in the West New Brighton neighborhood 7 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,590 left the streets looking more like rivers. 8 00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:24,220 Joanna Roscoe is live from Staten Island now. 9 00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:25,600 That's right, Lisa. 10 00:00:25,630 --> 00:00:28,100 This was the scene just hours ago 11 00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:31,730 on what is usually considered a quiet residential street. 12 00:00:31,770 --> 00:00:33,610 Now, as you can see behind me, 13 00:00:33,630 --> 00:00:35,570 city workers have managed to stop 14 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,270 the street-level flooding, 15 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:40,170 but underground flooding still remains a concern. 16 00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:41,750 Oh, boy. That means a messy commute home 17 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:43,780 for a few Staten Islanders, right, Joanna? 18 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,210 Yeah, it sure does. 19 00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:46,750 Now I am here with a local resident 20 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:49,280 who has been watching the situation closely. 21 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:50,720 His name is Nandor... 22 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,690 Nandor the Relentless. 23 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,490 Nandor De Laurentis. 24 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:57,190 Now, Nandor, you live in this neighborhood, correct? 25 00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,160 Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do. 26 00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:00,760 In that house just over there. 27 00:01:00,790 --> 00:01:03,390 With my friends. It's fun. 28 00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,130 Great. 29 00:01:05,170 --> 00:01:07,310 And as I understand, you were on the street 30 00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:09,070 when the water main broke. Can you tell us about that? 31 00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:10,340 Yes, I can, Joanna. 32 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:12,370 I was going for my evening stroll, 33 00:01:12,410 --> 00:01:14,150 which I do for my mental health 34 00:01:14,170 --> 00:01:16,040 as well as for my physical health, 35 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,080 and then, all of a sudden, crash! 36 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:20,410 Burst! 37 00:01:20,450 --> 00:01:21,790 Water, it shoots 38 00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,590 into the air, and then, like, 39 00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:25,390 all over the street. 40 00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:26,690 Now, Nandor, have you seen an incident 41 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,120 in this area like this before? 42 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,400 Not since the great flood in 1892, Joanna. 43 00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:34,200 That was a big boy. 44 00:01:34,230 --> 00:01:35,800 1892. 45 00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:39,700 Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892. 46 00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:43,030 -1992. 47 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,770 Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892? 48 00:01:45,810 --> 00:01:48,510 Give me this guy's skin care secrets. 49 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:51,480 Because 1892 was a year that was not 50 00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:53,450 in my, uh, human lifespan, 51 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,580 but 1992 most definitely was. 52 00:01:56,620 --> 00:01:58,560 It's 2023 now... 53 00:01:58,590 --> 00:02:01,130 -Right. -...and it was 1992 then. 54 00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:02,650 And I have been living in Staten Island 55 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,260 for many centuries. 56 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,590 Many centuries. 57 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:08,630 Well, it looks like we have discovered 58 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:11,460 the secret to eternal life. 59 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,140 -Now, I do have a... 60 00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:17,240 Well, Ted and Lisa, I will be here, 61 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:19,540 on the ground, monitoring the situation 62 00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:21,570 as it develops. Back to you. 63 00:02:21,610 --> 00:02:24,750 Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it. 65 00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:29,480 ? Don't sing if you want to live long ? 66 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,090 ? They have no use for your song ? 67 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,620 ? You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ? 68 00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:37,560 ? You're dead and out of this world ? 69 00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:42,230 ? Now your hope and compassion is gone ? 70 00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:44,830 ? You sold out your dream to the world ? 71 00:02:44,870 --> 00:02:47,270 ? Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ? 72 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,370 ? You're dead and out of this world. ? 73 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,600 ? ? 74 00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:01,790 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 75 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:03,420 From the diaphragm. 76 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,420 Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 77 00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:06,250 Guillermo! 78 00:03:06,290 --> 00:03:07,830 Gizmo is not here. 79 00:03:07,850 --> 00:03:10,150 Colin Robinson, turn on the television. 80 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,260 Channel 8. 81 00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:12,590 Your arms broken? 82 00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:14,370 -Please! 83 00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:15,460 All right. 84 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:16,840 This is go... 85 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:18,330 But there is some worry that... 86 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:19,740 -Huh. 87 00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:21,570 That's our street. Huh. Well, that's neat. 88 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,040 That is not neat. 89 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,440 I may have committed 90 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:27,440 an unforgivable and irreversible blunder. 91 00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:29,740 Okay, Nandor, don't get your knickers in a twist. 92 00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:32,150 I-I accidentally told this Joanna Roscoe 93 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:35,280 that we have lived in this street for many centuries. 94 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,560 -You did what? 95 00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:39,080 And now she and all of the viewers 96 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,320 of Channel 8 News Live at 7 97 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,500 know that we are vampires. 98 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,120 -And now-- 99 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,700 And now all of the humans are going to 100 00:03:46,730 --> 00:03:48,300 drive us out of Staten Island 101 00:03:48,330 --> 00:03:49,470 like they drove us out of the Old Country. 102 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,770 Alea iacta est. 103 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,570 -Game over. 104 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,740 No, no! 105 00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:57,270 This time, we fight! 106 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:59,470 This is our last stand! 107 00:04:00,810 --> 00:04:02,680 -Who's with me? -Me! 108 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,810 Silence! 109 00:04:05,850 --> 00:04:07,620 I have a plan. 110 00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:10,590 I think we should kill Joanna Roscoe. 111 00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:13,320 And what would that solve? 112 00:04:13,350 --> 00:04:15,250 Do you have any better ideas? 113 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,160 Where is Guillermo?! 115 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,230 So, yeah, tonight's kind of a farewell, 116 00:04:22,260 --> 00:04:23,730 goodbye dinner for me and my mom. 117 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,330 She doesn't know that it's a goodbye, 118 00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:27,110 but when I become a full vampire, 119 00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:28,400 it won't be safe for my family, 120 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,580 or for me because 121 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,800 they are vampire killers, 122 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,740 and I'll be a vampire. 123 00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:36,250 It's kind of heavy, actually, 124 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,580 if you think about it. 125 00:04:38,610 --> 00:04:40,250 No one imagines they'll have to say 126 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,180 a final goodbye to their mom, but... 127 00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:44,160 here we are. 128 00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:45,680 -Mami. 129 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,360 Oh. Oh, everyone's here. I thought it was just going 130 00:04:48,390 --> 00:04:49,730 -to be you and me. -Hi. 131 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,130 Oh, T?a. Wow, you're also here. 133 00:04:54,830 --> 00:04:56,700 You hungry? You hungry? 134 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,130 Hey, Memo. 135 00:04:59,170 --> 00:05:00,540 These guys are still doing that documentary 136 00:05:00,570 --> 00:05:02,240 on losers who work at the railroad, huh? 137 00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:03,570 -All right. -Ah, I'm just playing. 138 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:04,700 -Okay. -Hey, we're putting my t?a's 139 00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:06,580 -gifts right there. -Hmm? 140 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,580 The gifts. 141 00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:12,250 Wait, you didn't bring a gift for your own mama's birthday? 142 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:13,520 So, funny thing. 143 00:05:13,550 --> 00:05:15,150 In the middle of, uh, 144 00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,050 making it a big day about me, 145 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,380 I totally forgot that it's a big day for her. 146 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,560 It's her birthday, 147 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:25,190 but birthday or no, I need to do this. 148 00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:27,300 Mami, Mami. 150 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,670 Can I talk to you in private, please? 152 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,570 ...local resident Nandor, who has some insights. 155 00:05:43,380 --> 00:05:45,350 ...part of a pattern of local infrastructure failures? 156 00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:47,620 Yes, Joanna. If I may... 157 00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:54,060 To the millions and millions of viewers 158 00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:57,090 of Channel 8 News Live at 7, 159 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,060 you will forget... 160 00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:01,390 Apologies to Joanna and Mr. De Laurentis, 161 00:06:01,430 --> 00:06:04,070 but we have some breaking news. 162 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:05,500 The National Weather Service has announced 163 00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:07,700 a severe thunderstorm warning for the city. 164 00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:10,070 We now go to meteorologist Heather Dupont... 167 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,710 I leave the house for one fucking minute... 168 00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:20,350 Memo! 173 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,100 It's not a big deal, as long as they just... 174 00:06:33,130 --> 00:06:34,370 answer the fucking phone. 175 00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:35,630 Fucking hell. 176 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:37,200 -Damn! 177 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,230 -Look out, look out! 178 00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:41,440 Oh, fuck this. Ah! 179 00:06:41,470 --> 00:06:43,240 -Should I answer that? Announcement. 180 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:46,210 After methodical analysis, I have decided 181 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,580 that it is not a good idea 182 00:06:47,610 --> 00:06:49,650 to kill Joanna Roscoe. 183 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,250 No shit, you human fart. 184 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,120 Now, help me booby-trap the staircase. 185 00:06:53,150 --> 00:06:54,590 Maybe I should just take it off the hook? 186 00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,490 Hello? 188 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,320 Colin Robinson, now is not the time for decorating. 189 00:06:59,350 --> 00:07:00,650 Get your fucking go-bag. 190 00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,360 Vampires must always 191 00:07:02,390 --> 00:07:04,090 be prepared to skip out of town 192 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,590 at a moment's notice. 193 00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:07,770 I have been chased out of five, maybe six 194 00:07:07,790 --> 00:07:09,530 villages over the course of my vampiric life, 195 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,600 and believe me, you don't want to be 196 00:07:11,630 --> 00:07:14,230 caught out there fleeing with only the clothes on your back, 197 00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:16,440 sleeping at the bottom of a cold well, 198 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,070 sucking on the throats of the mountain goats 199 00:07:18,110 --> 00:07:19,350 you once called your brothers. 200 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,710 No. So, what was the first thing I did 201 00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:23,080 when I moved to Staten Island? 202 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,510 I made the go-bags. 203 00:07:24,540 --> 00:07:27,210 I have decided on a multi-part plan. 204 00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:28,320 The first part of which: 205 00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:30,720 Kidnap Joanna Roscoe. 206 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,090 And how is that going to help? 207 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,490 Takes us to step two. 208 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,360 Everybody, 209 00:07:35,390 --> 00:07:37,230 in your go-bags you will find 210 00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:39,230 your emergency fleeing checklist. 211 00:07:39,260 --> 00:07:40,230 Okay. 212 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,760 "Ancestral soils." 213 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,800 Check. 214 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,230 "Three days' supply of blood." 215 00:07:45,270 --> 00:07:46,510 Eh... Oof. 216 00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:48,600 A little bit rank, but check. 217 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,310 "Memorize new identity." 218 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,610 "Oh, hello. 219 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,310 "My name is Sally Rhubarb. 220 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:57,210 "I am a blonde girl from a large farm, 221 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:01,610 and my blackberry pie wins every year at the county fair." 222 00:08:01,650 --> 00:08:02,620 -Don't sit there. -Why not? 223 00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,020 Because. 224 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:07,760 -The whole ground floor is booby-trapped 225 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:09,490 for our final stand. 226 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,060 Oh, yes, because the attackers first thing they will do 227 00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,530 is come down and take a nice rest. 228 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,630 I think you're all wasting valuable time. 229 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,760 -Thank you. -What you need to do 230 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,370 is get a kidnapping sack. 231 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,770 No, you need to get your go-bag. 232 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,470 And you need to trust the plan. 233 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,600 -Get your go-bag. -Trust the plan. 234 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,180 -Get your go-bag. -Trust... 235 00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:28,480 Hey, you two may want to have your argument 236 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,510 away from the chandelier fall zone. 237 00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:32,340 -Also, mind the trip wire. Fucking hell. 239 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,750 -Places, places! -It's all right. It's all right, my darling. 240 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,450 -I'll protect you. 241 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,380 -This is it. This is our final stand. -Be calm. 242 00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:42,360 Would you stop fucking saying that, Colin Robinson? 243 00:08:42,390 --> 00:08:43,660 Step back, my darling. 244 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,630 -Friends, fear not. 245 00:08:46,330 --> 00:08:49,070 I went back to Channel 8 News Live at 7 246 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,640 and hypnotized the audience, so... 247 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,260 We saw. 248 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:54,740 And no, you did not hypnotize anyone, Nandor. 249 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:56,440 Those television humans 250 00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:57,470 interrupted your blather with a warning of a storm. 251 00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,070 This is all Guillermo's fault! 252 00:09:00,110 --> 00:09:02,450 -He's not back yet, is he? No. 253 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,120 Also, why is your hair yellow, Nadja? 254 00:09:05,150 --> 00:09:06,250 -I am not Nadja. -Oh. 255 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,510 I am Sally Rhubarb. 256 00:09:07,550 --> 00:09:09,090 There is only one way out of this: 257 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,720 We must kill Joanna Roscoe. 258 00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:14,220 Which were my thoughts exactly, 259 00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:15,620 but if you follow "Arrow F," 260 00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:17,760 you'll find a far more sophisticated plan. 261 00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:19,790 "Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"? 262 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:21,500 Which is step one of the plan. 263 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:24,070 -And then what? -Step two. 264 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,100 Welcome back to Channel 8 News, Live at 7. 265 00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:30,610 We'll check in with Joanna Roscoe, but first... 266 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,480 And then I saw that diesel was as cheap as gas. 267 00:09:32,510 --> 00:09:34,110 So I took it back to the rent-a-car spot 268 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:35,610 and say, "Hey, homie, how am I supposed to know 269 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,210 -Corollas don't take diesel?" 270 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,040 Guillermo? 271 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,620 -Are you okay? You know what? 272 00:09:40,650 --> 00:09:42,250 He doesn't listen, all right? Don't even bother. 273 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,050 -I'm listening. 274 00:09:45,090 --> 00:09:46,490 That's what it is. The screens. 275 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,090 You need to cut that shit off, cold turkey. 276 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,620 Just like I did with the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma? 277 00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:52,400 Guillermo, you're working too much. It's not healthy. 278 00:09:52,430 --> 00:09:53,630 You need to be healthy like I am. 279 00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,060 No Sierra Mist, 280 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,770 no whack bosses. I told my last boss, 281 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,540 "Hey, jefe, you want to try to ruin my life like that? 282 00:09:58,570 --> 00:10:00,410 Boom. Toma." 284 00:10:01,770 --> 00:10:03,210 But, you know, you're probably too scared 285 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,610 -to do that. -I'm not scared, Miguel. 286 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,240 I'm not scared. I recently made a big move. 287 00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:11,040 My old boss kept promising me a promotion, 288 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,210 and I got tired of waiting. 289 00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:13,620 Wow. 290 00:10:13,650 --> 00:10:15,220 Yeah, yeah. 291 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,350 So I'm here. 293 00:10:18,350 --> 00:10:19,590 -Are you here, though? -Yeah, I'm here. 294 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,190 Why are you still all on your phone, then? 295 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,620 Because, it's the transition. I haven't... 296 00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:24,460 officially left the old railroad, 297 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,360 and, uh, haven't officially started 298 00:10:27,390 --> 00:10:29,130 -the new one. -How many railroads even are there? 299 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:32,100 Let's just eat, huh? Why don't we all just eat? 300 00:10:32,130 --> 00:10:35,600 I do not have a name in the traditional sense. 301 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,610 And you said that you work for the city... 303 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:42,620 Right, Joanna Roscoe. 304 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,210 There will be damage. 305 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,440 Bloodshed, too. 306 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,350 This is why I propose a truce. 307 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:52,220 Because we are not so different, you and us. 308 00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:54,750 We all want peace. 309 00:10:54,790 --> 00:10:56,390 -Yello? -Hey, Sean, 310 00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:58,190 this is Guillermo from next door. 311 00:10:58,230 --> 00:11:01,330 Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'? What can I do for you? 312 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,230 Yeah, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. 313 00:11:03,260 --> 00:11:05,460 If you can go next door and tell the vam... 314 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,340 Uh, Laszlo and Nadja and everyone at the house 315 00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:09,740 if they could just, can they stay 316 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,510 inside the house and just stay put 317 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:13,340 until I get there? Could you do that for me, please? 318 00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:14,770 That's gonna be a little tricky. 319 00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:17,310 There's been a water main break on our street, 320 00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:20,110 and these TV fuckers parked their van 321 00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,350 -right on the front lawn... -And someone else is here. 322 00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:24,050 -...which I just resodded last year. -Sean? What are you doing? 323 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,780 The territory of Staten Island 324 00:11:25,820 --> 00:11:29,760 can, nay, must be shared between our people... 325 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,460 Looks like there's a lot of excitement over there. 326 00:11:32,490 --> 00:11:34,330 Speaking of excitement, 327 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,200 you'll never guess what this Bronx seventh grader is doing 328 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,400 to raise money for the rainforest. 330 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,370 A nine-step plan! 331 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,070 -Make sure it's bloody straight, you idiot. -Yes. 332 00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:48,480 Reason and diplomacy did not work, 333 00:11:48,510 --> 00:11:49,610 as you all saw. 334 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,580 So let us do it. Let us flee. 335 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:56,090 -Us? -Yes. 336 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,490 And if they won't go, 337 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,060 then it will be just you and I, into the night. 338 00:12:00,090 --> 00:12:02,790 Um, okay. C-Cool. 339 00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:05,060 I shall go prepare my disguise. 341 00:12:09,130 --> 00:12:11,230 So, bad news. 342 00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:13,760 There's been an emergency with, uh, a train. 343 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,370 So I'm gonna have to head out. 344 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,200 I called it, didn't I? 345 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,580 Mami? Mami, can we just have that talk really quick, 346 00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,250 -the one I was telling you about? 347 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,620 Gracias. Por favor. 348 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,110 Hello? 349 00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:26,340 -Laszlo? Laszlo. -Who is this? 350 00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:27,750 Sorry, Mom. Por favor. 351 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,780 What do you mean, "who is it"? It's Guillermo. 352 00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:30,360 Oh, Gizmo. What do you want? 353 00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:31,580 What the hell's going on over there? 354 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,090 Can't talk right now. 355 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,320 To cut a shit story short, 356 00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:35,490 -we've been found out. -Huh? 357 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,220 The whole world knows 358 00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,630 that vampires are real and that we are they. 359 00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,200 Okay, Laszlo, just do me a favor. 360 00:12:41,230 --> 00:12:42,270 Just stay put, okay? I'll be over soon. 361 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,640 Don't you tell me what to do. 362 00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:45,230 Laszlo? -I have con... 363 00:12:45,270 --> 00:12:47,040 Laszlo? 364 00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,510 -That's too small, you prick. -Who's there with you? 365 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:50,310 -You think? -Just stay put, okay? 366 00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,710 We have to get Joanna Roscoe's entire body in there. 367 00:12:52,740 --> 00:12:54,780 -No. What are you... We need to get a grown woman in there. 368 00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:56,210 What are you... What are you doing? 369 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,480 I think this bag is big enough. 370 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,380 -All right, well, get in it. -Laszlo? 371 00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:01,080 -Okay. -What's going on? Laszlo? 372 00:13:01,110 --> 00:13:03,210 -Oy vey. Too small. -Too fucking small. 373 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,490 -If we are to kidnap Joanna Roscoe, -No! 374 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,460 -we need a sack large enough for her entire body. -Beep, beep. 375 00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:10,490 Now, don't phone here again. We are incredibly busy. 376 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,190 -Do not kidnap... -We don't need to be distracted. 377 00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,370 Gizmo? Huh. 378 00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:17,360 Blasted boy, hung up on me. 379 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,740 Fucking hell, Nandor. Get a bigger sack. 380 00:13:18,770 --> 00:13:20,610 Laszlo? 381 00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,310 -I found one! 382 00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:26,580 This is a very big bag. 383 00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:28,680 I tried it already. I fit. 384 00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,080 It's translucent. 385 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,480 We could add a blindfold? 386 00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:32,480 Yes, but it would add time. 387 00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:33,610 Is anybody listening to me? 388 00:13:33,650 --> 00:13:37,050 You need to get your go-bags! 389 00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:40,150 -Mami? -Mm-hmm? 390 00:14:29,170 --> 00:14:30,170 No. 391 00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,550 No... 398 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,390 How's it going? 399 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,700 It was like this when I got here. 400 00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:34,700 So, this is it, then? This is really goodbye, 401 00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:36,540 my ag?pi mou. 402 00:15:36,570 --> 00:15:38,810 I'm afraid so, my m?tia mou. 403 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,580 I must see my plan through. 404 00:15:40,610 --> 00:15:42,610 It has many steps. 405 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,080 -Ready! -Oh! 406 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,450 Oh. 407 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,080 So, when the villagers who are chasing us 408 00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:48,310 say they are looking for a blonde and a brunette... 409 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:51,820 Well, I guess I didn't really think it through. 410 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:54,150 Housemates. 411 00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:55,290 Friends. 412 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,320 The Guide. 413 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,200 A great enemy is upon us. 414 00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:03,230 Joanna Roscoe and her army of Channel 8 viewers. 415 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:04,830 This is not the first foe we have met, 416 00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:06,770 nor will it be the last. 417 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,040 They may outnumber us, 418 00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:12,040 they may have a satellite truck 419 00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:15,470 and a Sky High chopper, whatever the fuck, 420 00:16:15,510 --> 00:16:17,310 but what do we have? 421 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:19,340 -Kidnapping sack. -Go-bags! -The skull of Orson Welles. 422 00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:20,480 Each other. 423 00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,150 -Oh. -Oh. 424 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,050 Look at us, running around, this way and that, 425 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,080 focusing on our own plans. 426 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,690 We all have a part to play in this, 427 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,360 and play it we must, 428 00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:31,590 -but together. -Hear, hear. 429 00:16:31,630 --> 00:16:33,170 -Thank you, Laszlo. -Now, get the fuck on with it 430 00:16:33,190 --> 00:16:35,360 Yes, this is all your fault, you know. 431 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,100 For this shithole on Staten Island is our home, 432 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:40,600 and 30 years from now, 433 00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:42,130 when you, Nadja, 434 00:16:42,170 --> 00:16:43,610 are sat there by that fireplace 435 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,080 and you have a little ghost dolly on your knee, 436 00:16:46,110 --> 00:16:48,210 and she looks up at you, and she says, 437 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,410 "What did you do during the great vampire battle?" 438 00:16:51,450 --> 00:16:53,620 Maybe you won't need to say to her, 439 00:16:53,650 --> 00:16:57,220 "Me, dolly? I was shoveling shit in Louisiana." 440 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,150 -I would never do that. 441 00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:00,490 Okay, you guys, I'm back. 442 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,720 No need to worry 'cause I have a plan... 444 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,560 Whoa. Shit! 445 00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,090 For crying out loud. 448 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,100 We are fine, Guillermo. 449 00:17:12,130 --> 00:17:13,300 In fact, we are better than fine. We are great. 450 00:17:13,330 --> 00:17:15,200 We have our own plan. 451 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,310 Okay, I'm just trying to help cal-- 452 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,410 Nadja, when did you go blonde? 453 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,480 I mean, you look really-- 454 00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:20,750 I don't have time to tell you 455 00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:22,310 everything that you've missed, traitor. 456 00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:24,210 Look, I know I haven't been around, but-- 457 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,140 It's fine. I get it. 458 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:28,220 You have your life and we have ours. 459 00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:29,490 And if tonight has taught us nothing else, 460 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,760 then it has taught us this: 461 00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:34,450 We can survive quite easily without you. 462 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,430 Well, okay, then. 463 00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:41,200 Wait, what? 464 00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:42,330 You seem to have everything under control, 465 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,430 so good luck. 466 00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,430 I wouldn't go that way if I were you. 467 00:17:46,470 --> 00:17:48,610 -Why not? -Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty? 468 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,680 A schrapnellmine in the authentic German? 469 00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,540 Our latest model is now showing that those mild showers 470 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,820 won't be hitting the five boroughs 471 00:18:01,850 --> 00:18:04,420 until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest. 472 00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:05,490 All right, that's great news. Still time 473 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,190 to pull in that lawn furniture. 474 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,160 And speaking of unexpected waters, 475 00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:10,190 Joanna Roscoe is back 476 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:11,690 with an update for us 477 00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:13,430 on that Staten Island water main break. 478 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,200 What's it looking like, Joanna? 479 00:18:15,230 --> 00:18:18,430 Hi, Ted. I am happy to report 480 00:18:18,470 --> 00:18:19,740 that this story finally has 481 00:18:19,770 --> 00:18:21,310 a happy ending. 482 00:18:21,340 --> 00:18:23,210 The water main has been sealed, 483 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,610 and the underground leaks have been brought 484 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:26,740 under control. 485 00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,570 Now there is a small sinkhole, 486 00:18:28,610 --> 00:18:30,310 but the area has been cordoned off 487 00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,710 to prevent it from widening any further 488 00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:34,690 until we can get a street crew out here 489 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,060 to fill it in the morning, but, hey, 490 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,280 at the risk of sounding overly optimistic, 491 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,220 it looks like residents are on their way 492 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,290 to having their street back any moment now. I... 493 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,060 Wait. Wait! 494 00:18:46,090 --> 00:18:47,490 Kevin, you got this? 495 00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:49,230 Looks like this story is not quite over yet. 496 00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:52,500 A very odd and dangerous new development happening here. 497 00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:54,330 -Whoa, whoa whoa-- -Shit! 498 00:18:54,370 --> 00:18:55,740 Fucking idiots! 499 00:18:55,770 --> 00:18:57,210 An antique car has rolled into 500 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:00,340 the sinkhole, and a group of locals 501 00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:02,340 are now working together to retrieve it. 502 00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,350 Initiate diversion, Colin Robinson. 503 00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:06,180 Initiate diversion. 504 00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:08,410 All right, there's a guy, and, uh, 505 00:19:08,450 --> 00:19:10,420 he doesn't work for us. 506 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,420 Okay, and he's throwing fire in the van. Kev? 507 00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:15,620 Oh! Holy fuck. 509 00:19:18,130 --> 00:19:20,070 Nope, not my problem. 510 00:19:20,090 --> 00:19:22,330 All right, uh, apologies to our viewers, 511 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:25,360 but it appears we have lost our Staten Island feed. 512 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,270 We are working to contact our team 513 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,440 to make sure everything is okay. 514 00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:30,740 Whoa. 516 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,280 We lost the feed. We lost it. 517 00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:35,750 Are you getting this? Are you filming? 518 00:19:35,780 --> 00:19:37,680 Satellite's not transmitting to studio, 519 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:38,440 -but I'm recording on the card. -Get it on the memory card. 520 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:39,420 Do not stop. 522 00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,750 What is going on? Are they flying?! 523 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,350 Oh, oh! 524 00:19:44,380 --> 00:19:45,750 Okay, call the station and tell them that 525 00:19:45,790 --> 00:19:47,460 -we're coming in with the footage. -Okay. 526 00:19:49,490 --> 00:19:51,290 -Excuse me. What? 527 00:19:51,330 --> 00:19:54,570 I think Joanna caught us flying on tape. FYI. 528 00:19:54,590 --> 00:19:56,160 We need to follow that tape 529 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,840 and steal that tape and destroy that tape. 530 00:19:58,870 --> 00:20:02,070 Absolutely, continue with the second part of the plan. 531 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,570 This sounds like a slightly different plan. 532 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,640 No, it's the same plan. Bat! 534 00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:10,650 Assholes! 535 00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:17,250 Apologies, for the technical diffic 536 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,620 but I hear we have some truly inexplicable footage 537 00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:21,350 from Joanna en route. 539 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,360 Hand it over, camera jockey. 540 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,690 Show yourself, Joanna Roscoe. 541 00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:27,170 I got Joanna's camera! 542 00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:29,530 Ladies and gentlemen, one moment. 543 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,200 Bit of confusion here in studio. 544 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:34,170 I'll say. Who are you people? 545 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,040 What are you doing in here? This is a closed set... 546 00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:39,340 You will fall asleep and forget everything 547 00:20:39,370 --> 00:20:41,170 that has happened here tonight. 548 00:20:42,180 --> 00:20:43,550 And then fall off your chair. 549 00:20:43,580 --> 00:20:45,150 What about all the people 550 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:46,380 who just saw Lisa Lipton 551 00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:48,050 and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized? 552 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,720 We go on and hypnotize them, too? 553 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,720 Yes, good idea. 554 00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:57,220 To all of the viewers of the Channel 8 News, 555 00:20:57,260 --> 00:20:59,360 you will remember nothing 556 00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:02,590 out of the ordinary tonight. 557 00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:04,070 That is all ye know, 558 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,240 and all ye need to know. 559 00:21:06,270 --> 00:21:09,440 Actually, pretty solid solution. 560 00:21:09,470 --> 00:21:11,040 Should we just leave now? 561 00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:12,740 No, that will look very suspicious 562 00:21:12,770 --> 00:21:14,810 to the humans that have just tuned in. 563 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,540 Just read the words on the screen. 564 00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:18,350 Uh... 565 00:21:20,810 --> 00:21:23,050 Hip-hip pup-rade. 566 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,120 Indeed. It is time again 567 00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,320 for Staten Island's annual puppy parade. 568 00:21:27,350 --> 00:21:29,720 Which is always a barking good time. 569 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,200 Here's hoping we have some nice weather 570 00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:34,700 for these promenading pooches. 571 00:21:34,730 --> 00:21:37,530 And now, let's turn it over to... 572 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,560 Colin Robinson with the weather. 573 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,070 Seems like a wet one out there tonight, 574 00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:44,370 right, Colin Robinson? 575 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,540 Not as wet 576 00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:47,210 as it could have been, Nadja, 577 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,710 but still, no fun for anyone 578 00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:51,240 who forgot their umbrella at home. 579 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,280 Let's take a look at 580 00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:53,380 the News 8 WeatherWall 581 00:21:53,410 --> 00:21:55,550 with high Doppler action. 582 00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,680 And this patch right here, 583 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,390 um... well, that's 584 00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:03,560 a little schmutz there on the old WeatherWall 585 00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:06,260 with high Doppler action. 586 00:22:06,290 --> 00:22:09,560 But this patch up here, this is a bit of good news. 587 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,800 New Yorkers, you can rest easy tonight 588 00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,600 and enjoy a little sunshine this weekend. 589 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,040 Perfect weather for a puppy parade. 590 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:21,570 Our four-legged friends will certainly be happy to hear that. 591 00:22:21,610 --> 00:22:24,250 And now we turn to... 592 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,050 Laszlo Cravensworth, 593 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,190 who better be telling me my New York football Giants 594 00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:34,690 are raring to go for Sunday's game against the Cowboys. 595 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,460 Thanks, Nandor. 596 00:22:36,490 --> 00:22:39,130 From your lips to Coach Daboll's ears. 597 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,260 Big Blue is having a big season, 598 00:22:41,300 --> 00:22:43,440 but the Cowboys are on a roll themselves. 599 00:22:43,460 --> 00:22:46,600 So let's just say that for either team, 600 00:22:46,630 --> 00:22:48,530 the road to a W is going to be paved 601 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:51,570 with blood, sweat and tears. 602 00:22:51,610 --> 00:22:54,010 Here's my lovely wife Nadja. 603 00:22:54,810 --> 00:22:56,410 Thank you, my love. 604 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,210 Well, that is it for us tonight, New York. 605 00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:02,550 And from everyone at Channel 8 News: 606 00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:03,820 -Goodbye. -Goodbye. 607 00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,320 Goodbye. 608 00:23:05,350 --> 00:23:06,650 Bye, then. 609 00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:09,530 That's it, try and look normal. 610 00:23:21,340 --> 00:23:23,180 Well, good. 611 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,640 I don't want anything bad to happen to them, so... 612 00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:27,610 I guess I always imagined the hardest part 613 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,410 of being a vampire was keeping your identity a secret, 614 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,640 but I guess the hardest part is... 615 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,250 who you leave behind. 616 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,820 You know? 617 00:23:37,850 --> 00:23:39,620 The goodbyes. 622 00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:56,510 Whoa! 623 00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:58,440 What the fuck is going on?! 624 00:23:58,470 --> 00:24:00,510 ? ? 625 00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:38,840 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 41663

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