Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: {1}{1}23.976 {1956}{2061}{Y:i}Please put your hands together|for Mr. Bill Engvall! {2388}{2430}Thank you very much! {2537}{2648}lt is great to be here|in the nation's capital! {2739}{2764}Wow! {2787}{2831}lt is so great to be here. And l would... {2833}{2878}'Cause l was afraid|l wasn't gonna be able to make it, {2881}{2962}'cause l thought l broke my ribs,|'cause l'm an idiot. {2985}{3045}Well, l bought my son a trampoline. {3089}{3141}You see where this is headed? {3166}{3192}Well, you know the rule. {3195}{3272}The one that puts it together|gets to try it out first. {3274}{3329}He was off at school,|l got this thing all put together, {3332}{3389}l start to climb up on it,|my wife goes, ''Hey, hey, hey. {3392}{3437}''Why don't you wait|for him to get home from school?'' {3439}{3508}l said, ''Hey, hey, hey.|Why don't you hush? {3583}{3613}''Please.'' {3628}{3695}Yeah. l ain't that big a idiot, all right? {3717}{3789}So l hop up on this trampoline,|l start jumping up and down, {3792}{3857}it all came back to me.|l said, ''Oh, l remember this.'' {3860}{3932}l started doing seat drops|and knee drops. {3935}{3980}Yeah, then l got cocky. {4010}{4064}l forgot one very important thing|about a trampoline. {4066}{4139}lf you don't hit square,|you go up at an angle. {4157}{4225}And you don't come down|at that same angle. {4233}{4299}You come down at an equal|and opposite angle. {4301}{4401}Yeah, l'm 20 feet in the air,|now my high-school geometry kicks in. {4418}{4509}As l curl into the fetal position|and bang off the rail onto the ground, {4511}{4573}my wife's laughing so hard,|she nearly peed herself. {4620}{4675}l learned two important things that day|about a trampoline. {4677}{4767}Number one, the springs|will pull the hair out of your legs. {4841}{4911}And number two,|the dog doesn't like to jump. {4973}{5048}lt's a wonder l'm alive.|l'm always doing idiotic stuff like that. {5050}{5110}Anybody ever set your hair on fire? {5125}{5153}Me, too! {5164}{5204}And not the hair on my head. {5241}{5325}All right,|shall we not go to the gutter so quick? {5347}{5395}lt was the hair on my arms. {5397}{5440}Now, l want you to think back|to when you were a kid. {5442}{5468}Do you remember the day you realized {5470}{5523}you could burn ants|with a magnifying glass? {5529}{5590}Oh, what a great day that was. {5608}{5647}You got to be God. {5659}{5715}You decided who lived, who died. {5737}{5817}l must have burned ants for an hour,|just laughing. {5831}{5878}Then l saw one on my arm. {5957}{5989}Let me tell you something, {5992}{6043}you burn yourself|with a magnifying glass, {6045}{6084}you're on your own. {6101}{6136}You can't even tell your mom, {6138}{6229}'cause they give you that look like,|''Oh, he is that stupid.'' {6282}{6337}Remember chin-up bars|in elementary school? {6339}{6387}Yeah. So do l. {6416}{6453}Fourth grade,|me and my buddy got this idea, {6456}{6504}we would ride our Sting-Ray bikes|through the chin-up bar. {6506}{6553}When we got to the chin-up bar,|we would grab the bar, {6555}{6623}let our bike go|and then just swing there. {6629}{6671}'Cause we're idiots. {6688}{6740}One day we were on the playground.|lt had been raining. {6743}{6814}We didn't think metal got slick|when it got wet. {6817}{6876}Never had cause to think that thought. {6878}{6918}We're straddling our bikes,|trying to look cool, {6921}{6945}and l look over at the swings, {6948}{6981}l see these two little fifth-grade girls. {6983}{7063}l looked at my buddy, l said,|''Hey, man. Older women. {7105}{7144}''l'll go first.'' {7146}{7239}Boy, l spun that knobby tire in the mud.|l'm flying towards that chin-up bar. {7241}{7332}The banana seat's getting hot|just from the wind blowing by it. {7334}{7386}l hit that bar, l grabbed it,|let my bike go, {7389}{7437}and my full weight hit my hands|on that wet pole. {7440}{7471}l went... {7484}{7537}Knocked out cold on the ground. {7540}{7568}My friend flips out. {7570}{7608}He goes running across the street|to my house {7611}{7658}where my mom's in bed|sick with the flu, {7661}{7737}runs into her bedroom|and screams, ''Bill's dead!'' {7813}{7843}About the time l came to, {7845}{7911}l saw a woman in a nightgown|and panties run at me, going... {7961}{8009}Boy, l wish l had have died. {8069}{8133}That's what my wife|puts up with every day. {8136}{8166}Thank God she puts up with me. {8169}{8225}l think my wife puts up with me, though,|'cause l try. {8227}{8288}And l think that's all any guy can do,|just try. {8290}{8325}That's right. {8405}{8465}'Cause we ain't never gonna get it. {8478}{8540}'Cause as soon as we get close,|you ladies change it. {8543}{8596}lt's like this memo goes out, {8598}{8679}''They're getting close, change it,|change it, change it, change it.'' {8705}{8749}But l try. Like when l'm home, {8752}{8809}l try to get up in the morning,|make breakfast for my family. {8812}{8889}l make good American breakfast.|Eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, coffee. {8891}{8916}Here's the problem. {8918}{8999}No matter what eggs l start out to make,|they always end up scrambled. {9018}{9062}God, l can't work that yolk. {9065}{9149}l even bought that stupid spatula off TV.|You know, the one with the forks? {9152}{9248}Yeah, and the announcer goes,|''Even a moron can flip an egg now.'' {9257}{9292}Apparently not. {9341}{9413}Can't have sausage anymore.|Not 'cause of any health reasons, {9416}{9470}just 'cause l saw a commercial|that scared me to death. {9473}{9516}l'm watching TV one night,|this commercial comes on. {9518}{9568}This is what the announcer said,|word for word. {9570}{9661}''The eggs are from real chickens.|The milk is from real cows. {9668}{9725}''The sausage is from Jimmy Dean.'' {9965}{9993}Really? {10018}{10088}You'd think somebody|would have caught that. {10136}{10184}But l know my wife loves me. {10187}{10233}Not too long ago, l had to get out of bed,|got dressed. {10235}{10300}She goes, ''Where you going?''|l said, ''l got my yearly physical today.'' {10302}{10342}She goes, ''Oh, l'll go with you.'' {10345}{10420}lt's like, ''Okay. How boring is your day?'' {10452}{10514}l wouldn't go with her|to her physical. God! {10517}{10551}Seen it. {10685}{10759}Yeah, it's not like we're gonna|break any new ground there. {10813}{10893}lt's not like l'm gonna go,|''Wow, Doc, what is that?'' {10908}{10939}But she was in the room {10941}{11005}when the doctor told me|my cholesterol's getting high. {11008}{11047}l'm like, ''Good going, Doc.'' {11049}{11133}Hell, it would've been easier|if he just told her l was cheating on her. {11136}{11209}Yeah, if he tells her l'm cheating on her,|l just got to take some garbage. {11212}{11266}Now l got to eat a bunch of it. {11287}{11368}He told me to cut out bacon,|which sucks, 'cause l love pig. {11370}{11404}So my wife, trying to be helpful, {11406}{11493}goes to the grocery store|and buys this stuff called soy bacon. {11523}{11573}Yeah. Let me tell you something. {11576}{11643}l know soybeans are good|for a lot of things. {11645}{11705}Let's stay out of the bacon market! {11721}{11765}They go,|''Looks and tastes like real bacon.'' {11768}{11804}No, it doesn't! {11821}{11861}Tastes like somebody|bacon-flavored a turd, {11864}{11900}that's what it tastes like. {12025}{12060}She's all worried about my stress. {12062}{12125}She goes, ''You got too much stress.''|l go, ''l don't have any stress.'' {12128}{12188}She goes, ''Bill, you almost got|kicked off an airplane.'' {12190}{12215}Good point. {12217}{12244}Well, here's what happened. {12251}{12300}l got on this airline,|it was a early morning flight. {12303}{12363}And they board us and l sit in my seat|and l pull out my Game Boy {12365}{12408}and start playing it,|while they're still boarding. {12410}{12489}{Y:i}Yeah, l know. God forbid l read|a newspaper or Time magazine. {12491}{12551}l got to get Scooter to level nine. {12562}{12615}But l'm minding my own business,|playing my Game Boy. {12617}{12657}The pilot comes on|and makes this announcement. {12660}{12684}He goes, ''Ladies and gentlemen, {12686}{12718}''we're gonna be|a little delayed this morning. {12721}{12788}''They didn't put enough gas|in the plane.'' {12806}{12867}Why would you|make that announcement? {12892}{12932}Make something up! {12939}{12998}Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish|and you got the runs. {13001}{13042}Tell me something. {13045}{13104}Don't tell me|we don't got enough gas in the plane. {13106}{13146}That's like number two|on the checklist for, {13149}{13196}''lt's okay to take off.'' {13227}{13262}Keys, gas. {13341}{13397}'Cause, see, the way the process works|in my little brain {13400}{13440}is the gas truck|pulls up next to the plane, {13442}{13537}the pilot sticks his head out the window,|and goes, ''Fill her up.'' {13540}{13581}Yeah. l get the one pilot in America, {13583}{13653}''We're going to Vegas,|give me five bucks. We'll be all right.'' {13694}{13725}So l know we're going to be delayed. {13727}{13784}Nothing l can do about it.|So l keep playing my Game Boy. {13786}{13819}Flight attendant walks by me, {13821}{13915}and, y'all, l might as well have been|building a plutonium bomb. {13917}{13950}She flips. {13953}{14044}She goes, ''Sir! Sir!|You need to shut that off right now!'' {14060}{14140}l'm 48 years old.|All of a sudden now l'm six. {14228}{14332}''But if l shut it off, then Scooter'll die|and l'll have to go back to level one!'' {14467}{14509}And then she said it. {14511}{14601}She goes, ''Sir, do you know|where the on/off switch is?'' {14741}{14777}l said, ''Ma'am, {14791}{14881}''when l got up this morning,|l didn't want to be a jackass. {14993}{15053}''You just pushed my jackass button.'' {15231}{15293}So l said, ''Yeah,|l know where the on/off switch is. {15296}{15356}''Do you know where the gas cap is?'' {15392}{15503}And, you know, a body cavity search|isn't that bad if you just relax. {15553}{15604}My wife's all worried,|she goes, ''You're gonna have a stroke, {15607}{15656}''you got so much stress.''|l go, ''l'm not gonna have a stroke.'' {15658}{15756}She goes, ''You need a massage.''|And l go, ''No. l don't want a massage.'' {15758}{15814}And she goes, ''Why not?''|And l go, ''lt's weird. {15817}{15872}''Somebody you don't know|rubbing on you.'' {15874}{15935}Hell, that's how l ended up married. {15958}{16023}l mean, it worked out,|don't get me wrong. {16025}{16050}She goes, ''Well, you need one.'' {16053}{16083}l go, ''Well, l don't want one, baby.'' {16085}{16117}She goes,|''Well, l already set you up one.'' {16119}{16186}l'm like, ''Why do we even have|these conversations?'' {16196}{16232}So she takes me to this spa {16235}{16285}and they put me in this room|and it was weird. {16288}{16389}There's like pillows all over the floor|and this weird Zamfir music playing. {16392}{16476}And they got water dribbling over rocks,|that's supposed to relax you. {16479}{16529}Just made me have to go pee. {16556}{16612}l finally got enough nerve to walk|out of there and the door opened. {16614}{16652}This little 25-year-old blonde girl|opens the door {16659}{16740}and she goes, ''Are you Mr. Engvall?''|And l went, ''No... Yeah.'' {16780}{16857}She goes, ''l'm your masseuse.''|And l go... {16872}{16932}Oh, this ain't gonna be good. {16974}{17066}l said, ''Don't you got some big fat guy|with a hairy back to do this?'' {17069}{17149}She goes, ''You'll be fine.''|l go, ''l don't think so.'' {17198}{17258}So she goes, ''Okay, go ahead|and get undressed and get on the bed.'' {17261}{17295}And l go, ''You mean|just down to my underwear?'' {17297}{17363}And she goes, ''No,|you need to be naked.'' {17371}{17406}l went, ''God, {17452}{17508}''l know you're testing me here. {17518}{17613}''And you need to know,|l'm just a C student. Okay?'' {17824}{17864}So she's holding up the sheet|and she goes, {17866}{17952}''Okay, lay on your stomach.''|And l went, ''Oh, thank God.'' {17968}{18025}She starts rubbing my back,|which felt great. {18027}{18079}And then she goes, ''So what do you like|to have done to you?'' {18081}{18146}And l went, ''Okay, God, that's enough!'' {18172}{18231}Then she starts rubbing my butt. {18249}{18274}Yeah. {18277}{18347}And all l could think about is,|''Don't fart.'' {18385}{18447}Yeah, you've thought about it,|haven't you? {18464}{18541}Yeah! 'Cause when you're standing up|and you got gas, {18544}{18596}you can kind of clench it in. {18622}{18711}But when somebody's rubbing|your butt cheeks east and west, {18745}{18831}yeah, you know one of those|icky dog farts is gonna sneak out. {18886}{18940}So then she goes,|''Okay, roll over on your back.'' {18942}{18996}And l'm like, ''Here it comes.'' {19019}{19062}And l'm thinking of anything. {19065}{19129}l'm thinking of Grandma in her panties, {19146}{19229}my dad scratching himself|with a salad fork, you know. {19267}{19323}So l roll over, everything's fine. {19325}{19405}Until she takes her hand in the sheet|and starts going like this. {19407}{19487}l'm like, ''Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!|What are you doing?'' {19489}{19567}She goes, ''l'm gonna rub your legs.''|l go, ''They're fine.'' {19569}{19664}She goes, ''They seem kind of hard.''|And l go, ''You have no idea.'' {19809}{19848}So then she comes|around the top of me {19851}{19903}and starts rubbing my chest,|which was great, {19905}{19963}except that her boobs are like... {19982}{20077}She's like, ''So you're a comedian.''|l go, ''No, bobblehead doll.'' {20128}{20173}l walk outside, my wife's like,|''How was it?'' {20176}{20273}And l go, ''Awul! l'm more stressed now|than l was when l went in there.'' {20329}{20429}See, l relieve my stress by buying stuff.|l go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops. {20432}{20458}Yeah. {20533}{20584}Here's the problem.|l'm an impulse buyer. {20586}{20624}l'll like, ''Oh, look,|l bought a deer feeder.'' {20627}{20681}Then l think,|''Oh, man, l got to get it home.'' {20684}{20770}And that drives my wife crazy.|'Cause she's very much a list shopper. {20773}{20817}Like, she hates it|when l get on airplanes. {20820}{20870}Because the airlines|now have this magazine {20873}{20920}{Y:i}called SkyMall magazine. {20960}{20999}That is my crack. {21034}{21130}l know it's just crap.|But it's crap l gotta have. {21158}{21217}l bought a escalator for my house. {21271}{21350}Just 'cause it conveniently fits|underneath the bed. {21357}{21382}That's how they get you. {21385}{21418}You ever been flipping|through that magazine, {21421}{21447}not paying a bit of attention? {21449}{21482}And all of a sudden|this will catch your eye. {21485}{21547}''Tired of your knees touching|when you sleep?'' {21549}{21617}Well, now that you mention it, yes, l am. {21643}{21680}And they sell some stupid stuff in there. {21682}{21737}Have you seen that rubber thing|you put on your shoes? {21739}{21809}And it says,|''You can aerate your own lawn.'' {21861}{21947}Okay. How big a loser are you? {21965}{22035}Stomping around your yard,|''l'm saving money.'' {22205}{22257}Don't get me wrong, it works. {22342}{22406}She got really mad at me|when l bought a digital fly swatter {22409}{22448}out of that magazine. {22450}{22535}Well, come on,|it keeps track of swats, hits, and kills. {22542}{22603}And the best part is,|you could hook it to the lnternet, {22605}{22683}and you could see where you|rank nationally as a fly swatter. {22728}{22797}l did see one item in that magazine|that made me laugh out loud. {22800}{22860}lt's ''House shoes with headlights.'' {22893}{22983}l couldn't believe it, either.|House shoes with headlights. {22985}{23031}My first thought was, ''Who buys these?'' {23033}{23073}Then the other night|l was walking to the bathroom, {23076}{23147}l stubbed my toe on the bed.|You know what l got now? {23156}{23209}House shoes with headlights, baby! {23247}{23285}They are awesome! {23322}{23360}The other night l took the trash out, {23363}{23424}my high beams hit a deer,|he just stood there. {23521}{23562}Sometimes l like to beat my wife to bed {23565}{23607}and l'll just lay naked on the bed|in the dark room {23609}{23670}except for my house shoes|with headlights on. {23681}{23746}So it's like a movie premiere. lt's like, {23753}{23808}''Hey, hey, hey. {23841}{23897}''Coming to a theater near you. {23937}{23997}{Y:i}"King Kong." {24022}{24111}{Y:i}She goes, ''Put on your underwear,|it's more like Smallville." {24188}{24231}Yeah, she gets on me|about my shopping, {24233}{24321}yet she ordered us a catalog|that's just stuff for our dogs. {24325}{24371}Forty-two pages of dog stuff. {24373}{24440}She bought a dog feeding dish|that's this high off the ground. {24442}{24470}l said, ''Why did you buy that?'' {24473}{24553}She goes, ''So he don't have to|bend his neck to eat.'' {24586}{24645}''l just saw him licking his own ass. {24751}{24829}''Excuse me for thinking|he's limber enough to eat.'' {24886}{24926}She goes,|''Well, it helps with his digestion.'' {24929}{24987}l go, ''His digestion's just fine. {24989}{25061}''l pick it out of the backyard|every morning.'' {25086}{25129}God, she loves them dogs, boy. {25131}{25176}l love them, too,|but they're just dogs, all right. {25178}{25218}We had to take our dogs|to be boarded recently. {25221}{25307}l don't know if you've had to do this,|but it's like checking them into a spa. {25309}{25374}l walk our dogs in, the little girl|behind the counter goes, ''Hi. {25377}{25425}''Just a few questions. {25428}{25506}''What do your dogs like to sleep on,|linen or wool?'' {25585}{25624}''Concrete's good.'' {25691}{25749}''Well, what kind of water do they like?'' {25751}{25781}''Clear. {25809}{25869}''Put it in a toilet, they'll freak.'' {25917}{25971}And then she actually asked me this. {25973}{26014}She goes, ''Would you like to|purchase a toothbrush {26017}{26068}''for your dogs for the weekend?'' {26127}{26226}''Tell you what, you teach him to hold it,|l'll buy the toothbrush.'' {26309}{26337}See, we got four dogs. {26340}{26397}We got two wiener dogs,|those are her dogs. {26399}{26442}Yeah, they're cute|till they have to go to the vet. {26445}{26489}Then it's like a billion dollars. {26491}{26526}l took our two wiener dogs to our vet. {26529}{26582}Our idiot vet goes,|''That dog's gonna have back problems.'' {26585}{26632}l'm like, ''Well, no kidding. {26634}{26674}''He's got a eight-foot back|and two-inch legs. {26677}{26739}''Hell, l could have figured that out. {26809}{26866}''Here's another one, Doc Obvious. {26876}{26923}''That's a boy dog|and he's about a quarter inch {26925}{26992}''from dragging his transmission|on the sidewalk.'' {27100}{27160}He goes,|''Well, you need to talk to that dog {27163}{27239}''and tell it not to jump off the bed.''|l was like, {27269}{27303}''All right. {27317}{27408}''Soon as we get home, me and that dog|gonna have a little sit-down.'' {27413}{27465}Then we got my dog, Duke,|he's a basset hound. {27468}{27550}He's the perfect dog. Yeah!|He eats his own turds. {27608}{27654}Perfect dog, right there. {27667}{27727}Goes outside to poop, cleans it up. {27769}{27813}You can't teach that. {27841}{27881}That's just a gift. {27903}{27981}Best part about it,|my wife doesn't know he does it. {27995}{28068}She loves to let that dog|lick her in the face. {28232}{28310}Right there, that's why my wife|and l have never had an argument. {28313}{28355}She starts getting on my back|and all l say is, {28357}{28413}''Duke, Mama wants some loving.'' {28477}{28552}l took Duke to the vet and told the vet|that Duke eats his own turds. {28555}{28581}l said, ''lsn't that kind of weird?'' {28584}{28614}And he goes, ''No, a lot of dogs do it.'' {28617}{28660}He said, ''Here,|just sprinkle this stuff on his food {28662}{28720}''and it'll make him stop.''|And l said, ''What's it do?'' {28722}{28793}And he goes,|''lt makes his turds taste bad.'' {29037}{29102}''l'm sorry, Doc. l'm a little slow here. {29121}{29216}''Did you just say the phrase,|'lt'll make his turds taste bad'?'' {29236}{29296}Hey, if you've sunk to eating turds, {29317}{29409}you've never uttered the phrase,|''Oh, my God, this is nasty.'' {29453}{29505}And we got a German shepherd|we found on the side of the road. {29508}{29531}She's psycho. {29533}{29584}Now l know|why she was on the side of the road. {29586}{29634}Yeah. Nothing's free. {29668}{29738}But l love that dog.|That dog saved my heinie one night. {29741}{29790}One night my wife and l|were sound asleep in bed, {29793}{29868}her dog was trying to jump up|on the bed after l just talked to it. {29922}{29999}So l just grabbed the little wiener dog|and flung him out in the backyard. {30001}{30028}Well, about 5:30 that morning, {30031}{30086}l heard this squealing and screaming|coming out of the backyard. {30089}{30123}Good God,|l hopped out of bed in my underwear, {30125}{30185}put on my headlight house shoes, {30187}{30265}ran out in the backyard,|and a coyote had jumped the fence. {30267}{30334}Yes, and had my wife's wiener dog|pinned down on the ground. {30337}{30392}l'm like, ''Oh, hell. {30426}{30482}''l appreciate what you're doing. {30515}{30593}''Could have done it a little quieter,|couldn't you?'' {30618}{30673}About that time,|l felt this whoosh by my leg. {30676}{30716}That German shepherd|ran out in that backyard, {30719}{30751}hit that coyote broadside. {30753}{30809}That coyote did three flips|and jumped the fence. {30812}{30843}l looked at that German shepherd, {30845}{30922}l said, ''Come on,|you're sleeping in the bed.'' {30925}{30967}Funny thing was,|for about two weeks after that, {30969}{31024}my wife and l'd be sitting|at the breakfast table having coffee. {31026}{31072}We'd look out in the street|and there'd be two or three coyotes {31074}{31135}sitting in our street,|looking in our backyard. {31137}{31209}And you know|the conversation went like this, {31217}{31271}''What? No, hell no. {31296}{31384}''Don't go in there.|That little dog's a setup. {31493}{31564}''l ain't lying.|Ask Joe what happened to him. {31573}{31639}''Hell, he won't eat nothing|but soy bacon now.'' {31645}{31712}God bless you, Washington,|l appreciate it! {32051}{32117}Y'all ready to keep this party rolling? {32185}{32277}Please bring out my good friend,|Mr. Ron White! {32672}{32730}Bill Engvall. Give it up for Bill! {32777}{32867}Thank you so much|for coming out tonight. {32921}{32945}Thank you. {32994}{33061}No, you can't, sir.|Stop begging for booze. {33105}{33161}My wife and l took a tour bus into town, {33164}{33228}and my wife had never been|to Washington DC before. {33230}{33302}And we were crossing the Potomac|and she said, ''What's that building?'' {33305}{33402}And l said, ''Well, it was a Hooters|during the Clinton administration... {33591}{33669}''Then they turned it|back into the Lincoln Memorial {33685}{33755}''and now it's a Cracker Barrel,|so welcome.'' {33820}{33866}l almost got ran over today {33869}{33947}by a mobile paper-shredding unit. {33993}{34049}l'm in Georgetown.|They got them on every street, {34052}{34146}these gigantic evidence|getter-ridder-of-ers. {34195}{34286}Can you call them up|if you got a body you don't need around? {34382}{34432}My wife had been in Europe|for three weeks, {34434}{34502}and she left two days|after Valentine's Day. {34505}{34535}And for Valentine's Day, {34537}{34614}{Y:i}l was going to take her|to see Brokeback Mountain, {34637}{34693}and it was sold out,|so we're going to go see it tomorrow. {34695}{34785}And Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal|are both amazing actors. {34788}{34829}And if you've seen the movie,|don't ruin it for me. {34832}{34904}l don't want to know|which one plays the sheep. {35058}{35106}ln fact,|l'm actually writing a movie right now {35109}{35183}about my recent bout|with erectile dysfunction, {35205}{35254}{Y:i}called Broke Dick Fountain. {35465}{35513}Getting ready to film this movie,|everybody's like, {35516}{35544}''You gotta go on a diet, man. {35546}{35587}''You gotta lose some weight.|You got to be better. {35589}{35636}''You gotta be thinner.|You gotta look better.'' {35638}{35692}And l'm like, ''Look better?|l'm 50 years old, {35694}{35744}''l've been drinking like a fish|for 30 years. {35747}{35788}''What do you want?'' {35863}{35892}Been on this diet, man. {35894}{35964}l'm getting dieting tips|from skinny people. {36005}{36073}My mother weighs 80 pounds.|Here's her tip. {36076}{36119}''Drink a lot of water. {36137}{36181}''You'll be less hungry.'' {36196}{36256}You know what happens|if you drink a lot of water? {36259}{36302}You're less thirsty. {36459}{36522}Just as l suspected would be the case. {36608}{36679}l still look okay sometimes,|'cause l wear really expensive suits, {36681}{36792}and if you drape $5000 worth of clothes|over a pile of crap, it looks all right. {36826}{36870}Look bad naked though. {36926}{36981}Ain't no hiding that, is there? {37008}{37069}The only person that knows|what l look like naked right now, {37072}{37121}which is the worst l've ever looked,|is my wife. {37124}{37165}And she has to have sex with me.|And she makes me wear the suit. {37165}{37218}And she has to have sex with me.|And she makes me wear the suit. {37328}{37383}l cut a little hole right here. {37409}{37462}l come in low under the radar. {37625}{37670}Washington DC... {37673}{37710}l guess|the Department of Homeland Security {37713}{37760}is here in Washington, DC,|is that true? {37775}{37853}One of the most useless organizations|on the planet. {37856}{37901}They came up with a... {37914}{37991}Now, l really didn't even have|an opinion about that {37993}{38027}and l don't care if you do. {38029}{38088}But my mother called me one time,|and she was scared {38090}{38129}because the heightened|state of awareness {38132}{38170}went from yellow to orange, {38173}{38228}and she said,|''Son, l don't know what to do.'' {38230}{38321}And l'm like,|''Mama, nobody knows what to do.'' {38343}{38404}Does anybody in this room|know what to do different {38407}{38471}when the heightened state of awareness|goes from yellow to orange? {38473}{38510}No, you do not. {38525}{38580}Because it is useless. {38599}{38637}lt means nothing! {38652}{38769}Nobody knows what to do different|if it changes from one to the other. {38780}{38845}Yeah, now l get it,|that's a heightened state of awareness. {38848}{38932}lf l'm in line to get on a plane,|and the guy in front of me {38935}{38988}needs two loads of phlegm|to pronounce his name, {38990}{39047}l'm checking his shoes for fuses. {39080}{39142}And l don't care who knows it, either. {39210}{39282}And it's not being racist, it's profiling. {39529}{39576}l went on the computer and l found out {39578}{39636}there are five|heightened states of awareness. {39638}{39730}l'd only heard two, yellow and orange.|Turns out there's five. {39733}{39801}Blue, green, yellow, orange, red. {39803}{39890}Apparently, when the heightened|state of awareness is blue, {39893}{39946}you don't even need sunscreen. {39980}{40025}You could walk outside naked. {40164}{40259}My wife said, ''Well, why don't you|come up with a better system?'' {40261}{40319}''All right, give me 10 minutes.'' {40354}{40430}Here's the Ron White|Heightened State of Awareness System. {40433}{40502}lt's only got two heightened|states of awareness. {40505}{40544}''Go find a helmet.'' {40577}{40625}''Put on the damn helmet.'' {40812}{40889}That way l can answer|my mother's questions. {40921}{41013}''Ron, it's Put on a Damn Helmet Day,|what do we do?'' {41044}{41101}''Put on the damn helmet, Mother.'' {41131}{41189}''Thank you, Son, we're so proud.'' {41368}{41420}My wife usually travels with me|and we kind of hop {41423}{41466}from lndian reservation|to lndian reservation {41469}{41516}doing these casinos, {41519}{41586}and last fall,|we were doing a run across Florida, {41589}{41669}and this is how well my mother hears|at 70 years old. {41678}{41761}She calls me. She asks me where l'm at {41763}{41848}and we're at the Hard Rock Casino|in Hollywood, Florida, {41856}{41897}on the Seminole reservation. {41900}{41928}And she asks me where l'm at. {41931}{41979}l hear my dad in the background go,|''What'd he say?'' {41981}{42010}And she goes, ''He said in Hollywood, {42013}{42086}''you need reservations|to get a cinnamon roll.'' {42202}{42249}That's close enough, Mom. {42316}{42362}l lost my ass at that casino. {42365}{42399}Usually l do okay gambling {42401}{42454}'cause l'm just a straight|blackjack player. {42457}{42496}Right, but l started watching {42499}{42560}these Texas Hold'em tournaments|on TV. {42569}{42609}And the only thing|that's dangerous about that {42612}{42713}is, after a while, you start to think|you can play that game for real. {42734}{42785}But you sit down|in one of those big poker rooms, {42788}{42833}you find out really quick {42835}{42913}that they don't let you see|everybody else's cards. {43018}{43042}l'm sitting there going, {43045}{43114}''How am l supposed to know|how much to bet?'' {43136}{43227}''Where's that little odds thing|that tells me how l'm doing? {43317}{43356}''l got a question.'' {43472}{43548}Our second stop on that tour|was Fort Myers, Florida. {43550}{43628}And my wife and l wanted to go|to Sanibel and Captiva lslands, {43630}{43672}which is basically Margaritaville. {43674}{43731}You know, that's where Jimmy Buffett|lived when he wrote those songs, {43733}{43784}and very pretty, very romantic place. {43786}{43826}And the only way to get|to Sanibel lsland {43829}{43897}is to cross a little rickety bridge.|l mean, a bridge... {43900}{43991}l've never seen such a rickety bridge|in my life. Just a rickety bridge. {43993}{44080}And the toll to cross|this little rickety bridge is $6, {44083}{44151}to cross a little rickety freaking bridge.|You know, and l... {44153}{44233}l expected there to be a troll|and some billy goats. {44292}{44345}Six bucks to cross a little bridge. {44348}{44405}And l... You know,|and l make a lot of money, folks. {44407}{44474}Not doing this.|l sell shrimp out of a van. {44559}{44600}And the bridge is such a piece of crap {44603}{44679}that the speed limit on it|is five miles an hour, {44690}{44732}and l got a ticket. {44772}{44831}This cop says, ''You have any idea|how fast you were going?'' {44833}{44907}l was like, ''l don't know, eight, nine.|l don't know. {44909}{44972}''My foot slipped off the brake, l...'' {45038}{45105}''l clocked you|doing over 1 1 mile an hour. {45133}{45193}''Over twice the legal speed limit.'' {45260}{45341}''Take me to jail. l'm begging you. {45410}{45467}''l'll make a million dollars|telling this story {45469}{45552}''if you'll take me to jail|for going 1 1 miles an hour.'' {45712}{45797}Then you get to the place|where you pay your toll, folks. {45800}{45829}And there's a little sign. {45832}{45887}You can go there, still there today,|there's a little sign, {45889}{45930}right before you get to the tollbooth, {45933}{46016}and it says, ''No coins or cash.'' {46087}{46167}l'm like, ''What do they want you|to give them, a hand job?'' {46217}{46251}''l've never been good with my left hand. {46253}{46287}''Honey, if you just sit in the back seat. {46289}{46385}''Sir, if you just walk right around there,|sit down right there.'' {46462}{46510}Whenever we're in|that part of the country, {46513}{46560}we stay at the Don CeSar Hotel. {46562}{46627}And my wife and l travel|on a big tour bus with three dogs. {46629}{46676}We have two Scottish terriers {46678}{46727}because if you drink|enough Johnnie Walker products, {46729}{46794}eventually, they just send you the dogs. {46939}{47041}We have 240 head of Scottie|on a little ranch up in Wyoming. lt's a... {47063}{47130}We got these little monkeys|with cowboy hats and vests {47133}{47178}riding Shetland ponies. {47193}{47283}They got little toy guns.|One of them is the sheriff. {47337}{47386}Cutest thing you ever saw. {47434}{47532}Actually, we have two Scottish terriers|and their names are Birdie and Bogey. {47535}{47566}And somebody the other day said, {47569}{47616}''Oh, that's cute.|They're named after your golf game.'' {47618}{47669}And l was like, ''No,|if they were named after my golf game {47672}{47762}''they'd be 'Double Bogey'|and 'Where the hell is that ball going'?'' {47800}{47876}Which is kind of|a long name for a pet, you know? {47908}{47996}And then Sluggo, he's my bulldog, and... {48060}{48144}lt's apparently talk-about-your-pet night|here at the Warner. {48149}{48193}Sluggo was in the backyard|the other day, {48195}{48233}and l was picking up dog turds {48236}{48307}'cause l couldn't get Bill's dog|to come over. {48434}{48495}''Come on, let Duke spend the night.'' {48553}{48604}''No, he'll come home full.'' {48657}{48710}So l'm picking up dog turds.|And while l'm picking them up, {48713}{48778}l realize seven people|work for me full-time. {48781}{48823}And as l'm picking up these dog turds, {48825}{48927}l'm reevaluating everybody's position|with Ron White lnc. in my head, {48929}{49016}so that next week|l will not be the dog turd picker-upper. {49064}{49105}l haven't decided|who it's going to be yet. {49108}{49184}lt's either going to be my pool boy|or my tax attorney. {49207}{49272}And l'm leaning|towards the tax attorney. {49448}{49517}But l'm picking up these dog turds,|and l see one that is huge. {49519}{49575}And it's massive|even by Sluggo's standards, {49577}{49615}which are legendary. {49617}{49698}And l'm staring at this turd.|l'm admiring it, really. {49717}{49826}And after a while, l started to think|it says something on the side of it. {49851}{49897}l run in the house and l get my glasses {49900}{49969}'cause l can't read shit|without my glasses. {50136}{50169}And it does. {50174}{50249}lt says, ''Midland Park Golf Course.'' {50272}{50359}Sluggo had eaten and shat whole {50365}{50473}a golf glove, Velcro and all. {50539}{50611}l rinsed it off|and l've been using it for three weeks. {50715}{50775}But my wife and l,|we look for pet-friendly hotels {50777}{50840}when we're out,|because we travel with this menagerie. {50843}{50926}And there is no more pet-friendly hotel|on the planet than the Don CeSar. {50929}{51000}They're, like, over-the-top pet-friendly. {51003}{51058}They have a pet concierge|that comes to your room {51061}{51153}to tell you about the services|they offer your pets {51173}{51270}while you stay at the Don CeSar Hotel,|and l sold a lot of shrimp last year, {51273}{51356}so l'm like, ''All right, let's hear it.|What do you got?'' {51358}{51406}And the guy goes,|''We offer your dogs a massage {51409}{51476}''because we would like for your dogs|to be as relaxed as you are {51478}{51545}''during their stay|at the Don CeSar Hotel.'' {51555}{51581}l'm like, ''All right, {51584}{51659}''but l'm going to tell you right now,|that fat one right over there, {51661}{51717}''he's gonna want a happy ending.'' {51854}{51920}They have aromatherapy for your pets. {51922}{51984}l'm like,|''What are you gonna make it smell like? {51986}{52017}''Ass? {52049}{52094}''That's what he likes. {52109}{52173}''Do you have an ass candle back there? {52189}{52241}''Give him a hand job|and light an ass candle {52244}{52312}''and see if that's not|the most relaxed dog {52333}{52393}''at the Don CeSar Hotel.'' {52409}{52456}He'll sleep on that cushion|for nine hours. {52458}{52500}l know this animal. {52630}{52688}Do you think it's weird|that at 49 years old {52690}{52764}one of my testicles is just|a little bit bigger {52798}{52839}than the other two? {52999}{53060}Last... ln fact, three weeks ago,|l did a run that was... {53063}{53110}l live in Atlanta {53113}{53156}{Y:i}and l did The Tonight Show|on Wednesday night, {53158}{53192}and then l did Billings on Thursday, {53194}{53264}and my manager sold it to me|on sort of, ''lt's a good routing.'' {53266}{53343}You know,|part of that Atlanta-LA-Billings run {53373}{53441}that encompasses|the entire United States. {53457}{53529}And on Friday night,|l was in Anchorage, Alaska, {53532}{53576}which is real handy, {53578}{53656}and someplace|you really want to see in February {53658}{53724}if you get a chance. And... {53739}{53797}Then on Saturday night,|l'm in Fairbanks, Alaska, {53799}{53875}and my manager's prediction|that there wouldn't be a lot of snow {53877}{53918}in Fairbanks in February {53921}{53995}was off by about|seven and a half freaking feet. {54041}{54117}The most boring town|l've ever been to in my life. {54120}{54165}Sorry if you're from there. {54168}{54223}lt is a borehole. {54241}{54325}And l was stranded there for three days. {54341}{54397}Count them, one, tick. {54555}{54581}Tock. {54701}{54727}Tick. {54784}{54847}Stranded there with the Eskimo people. {54862}{54922}Not a great-looking group of folks. {54945}{55032}And l mentioned that onstage|and they got pissed off. {55041}{55079}And l didn't see why they got so mad. {55081}{55135}l didn't insinuate|that they had no character. {55137}{55201}l mentioned that they weren't attractive. {55204}{55246}l thought they knew. {55323}{55395}Apparently, l let some big cat|out of the bag. {55426}{55474}Have you seen their teeth? {55481}{55529}They could make keys. {55641}{55686}You don't have to be|in Fairbanks very long {55689}{55782}before you figure out|what that nose-rubbing deal is all about. {55825}{55858}''l'm good.'' {55935}{56009}Anyway, l got this scathing letter|from the head Eskimo, {56012}{56067}Frosty, or whatever his name was and... {56095}{56165}Halfway through the letter,|he said he would have me know {56167}{56244}that the lnuit tribe|is one of the purest races on the planet. {56246}{56308}And l'm like,|''That's kind of what l'm talking about.'' {56310}{56366}Nobody will have sex with these people. {56407}{56495}And then later in the letter,|it said there are less lnuits every year, {56497}{56563}which l guess means|it's getting to where {56577}{56641}they won't even have sex|with each other. {56776}{56830}Somebody suggested|that l watch a movie {56833}{56883}on the way to Alaska, and l did. {56885}{56933}{Y:i}lt was called Grizzly Man. {56935}{56985}And you could go rent this film or buy it. {56988}{57058}lt's worth the watch.|lt's very entertaining. {57073}{57158}This guy,|a ne'er-do-well out-of-work actor, {57161}{57206}tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, {57209}{57259}and he moves into grizzly country|in Alaska, {57261}{57301}and shoots this amazing footage, {57304}{57370}which was later compiled|by Werner Herzog, {57373}{57425}and made into this movie. And... {57428}{57489}But, like, halfway through the movie,|he snaps {57492}{57586}and believes he has become|at one with the grizzly bears. {57589}{57644}And not only do grizzly bears,|he says in this film, {57646}{57743}have the capacity for intellect,|they have the capacity for sympathy. {57745}{57799}And then one of them eats him. {57815}{57880}Funniest film l've ever seen in my life. {57885}{57972}l laughed till l thought|l was gonna throw up. {58134}{58173}The bear ate him. {58212}{58245}That's rich. {58309}{58377}And l just thought it would be funny|if at any point in this guy's life, {58380}{58479}his father, like my father, ever said,|''You're never gonna be shit.'' {58635}{58682}''Well, you're wrong, Papa. {58711}{58800}''Tomorrow morning when this bear|pushes me through his bowels, {58803}{58882}''l'm going to become|a steaming pile of bear shit. {58910}{58961}''l hope you're proud, Daddy. {58980}{59020}''You have no idea|what l've been through {59023}{59078}''to make your dreams come true. {59092}{59137}''l had to be digested. {59171}{59234}''Do you know what that's like, Daddy? {59237}{59286}''l suppose you don't.'' {59397}{59470}Yeah. l get chastised publicly|and in the media {59473}{59524}for my position on the death penalty, {59527}{59602}and they don't even know the half of it|because in the Moussaoui case, {59605}{59661}l'd want to be the guy|that set the execution date, {59663}{59755}and l'd set it for 1 :00 a.m.,|the day they set clocks forward. {59993}{60029}Just so l could walk in there and go, {60031}{60102}''Well, looks like you got|about another hour, Moussaoui. {60105}{60161}''Nope, spring forward, asshole.'' {60410}{60477}And there is one piece of legislation|floating around right now {60480}{60526}that l endorse publicly|and with all my heart {60529}{60562}and l hope you do, too. {60565}{60624}l believe if you're a convicted|sex offender in this country, {60626}{60651}when you get out of prison, {60653}{60701}you should have to put a sign|in your yard or on your door {60703}{60740}that says you're a convicted|sex offender, {60743}{60806}'cause l don't care|about your rights anymore. {61016}{61070}And l'd also like to know|where to get one of those signs, {61073}{61131}'cause l'd like to keep|some kids out of my yard. {61168}{61214}Thanks for playing along.|l hope you enjoyed it. {61217}{61276}You guys were fantastic. Thank you. {61446}{61498}Thank you very much.|Ladies and gentlemen, {61501}{61551}it gives me great pride|to welcome to the stage, {61553}{61625}the best comedian that ever lived,|Jeff Foxworthy. {61797}{61841}Ron White, everybody! {62041}{62116}l got to tell... l really appreciate Ron|for being a part of this. {62119}{62213}He had to leave a New Year's Eve party|to be here tonight. {62313}{62424}l'm not saying Ron drinks,|but l hugged him and my vision is blurry. {62489}{62557}Speaking of blurry vision,|l got to point this out. {62559}{62632}l saw a billboard|here in Washington DC {62635}{62723}advertising|for the vision correction surgery. {62725}{62733}The billboard claimed that|they have the cheapest LASlK in town. {62733}{62828}The billboard claimed that|they have the cheapest LASlK in town. {62850}{62917}And l'm thinking, ''lf you're gonna be|operating on my eyeballs {62920}{63012}''with a laser beam,|l don't want the cheapest in town.'' {63025}{63120}l want somebody|that takes a little pride in their work. {63132}{63161}l don't want to be walking around {63164}{63212}hanging on to a German shepherd|by a harness, {63215}{63304}bragging, ''l just saved a bundle|on my LASlK surgery.'' {63429}{63503}And if they decided|to go with ''cheapest in town,'' {63505}{63558}what slogan did they pass up? {63575}{63676}''Hey, some of our patients|actually kind of see a little bit better.'' {63741}{63841}''lf it doesn't work, think of the money|you'll save on light bulbs.'' {63881}{63914}l mean, l like saving money. {63917}{64014}l just don't think medical procedures|are where you want to do it. {64021}{64090}l don't want|the cheapest vasectomy in town. {64123}{64180}Climbing into a truck|behind a convenience store {64182}{64254}and the guy going,|''You got the 20 bucks?'' {64263}{64357}''All right, listen, bite down on this rag|so you don't scream. {64364}{64442}''l can't have the neighbors|calling the police again.'' {64492}{64562}A couple of slogans with a vasectomy|l wouldn't want to hear, {64565}{64608}like, ''Half off.'' {64692}{64739}''Buy one, get one free.'' {64770}{64833}l don't even know how that would work. {64842}{64884}''Everything must go!'' {64909}{64975}No, most of it better be staying, Rufus. {65017}{65104}l am thrilled to be here tonight, at the...|Thank you. {65258}{65340}{Y:i}Last year we did|the Blue Collar TVthing, last year. {65342}{65401}And then at the end of the year,|l had written a book {65403}{65442}{Y:i}called the Redneck Dictionary. {65445}{65533}lt was words you thought|you knew the meaning of, all right. {65615}{65664}Some people have|that fine piece of literature {65666}{65720}on the back of their toilet, l see. {65722}{65806}But it had words in it like ''asinine.'' {65831}{65910}l'll give her face a two and her ''asinine.'' {66072}{66108}Or ''wisdom.'' {66125}{66212}My brother had two kidney stones|but he ''wisdom'' both out. {66317}{66357}Or ''letter carrier.'' {66374}{66489}lf she's going to pack all that stuff,|l say, hell, ''letter carrier'' own luggage. {66548}{66615}But anyway, because of the book,|l was doing a lot of book signings. {66617}{66653}And one of the last ones l did, {66656}{66764}l did a five-hour book signing|at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon, {66769}{66836}and during that five hours,|l had a revelation. {66838}{66868}And that is, {66870}{66965}there's not a whole lot of supermodels|shopping at Wal-Mart. {66996}{67053}lt's pretty much just us rednecks. {67083}{67149}You know, and we don't wear stuff {67152}{67201}'cause some magazine says|it's the latest style. {67204}{67254}We wear stuff 'cause it's comfortable, {67257}{67312}and if you can't look at it|and keep your lunch down, {67314}{67356}that's your problem. {67431}{67506}But as kind of a spokesman|for this portion of the population, {67509}{67563}l got to thinking,|you know, it has reached the point {67565}{67662}where we do need|a few redneck fashion tips. {67683}{67722}And l know a lot of you|are sitting out there {67725}{67760}and you're like, ''Jeff, l don't know {67762}{67853}''when it comes to fashion,|if l'm a supermodel or a redneck.'' {67867}{67940}So l came up|with a few ways to help you tell. {67989}{68075}lf the most expensive thing|you ever bought at the mall {68077}{68128}came from the food court, {68173}{68229}you might want to pay attention. {68251}{68354}lf your bra is a darker color|than your shirt, {68396}{68452}you might want to pay attention. {68471}{68537}lf your wife has ever dusted the furniture {68540}{68616}with your best pair of underwear, {68664}{68720}you might want to pay attention. {68731}{68848}lf people can see your butt crack 24/7, {68901}{68953}you might want to listen up. {68972}{69046}lf you've mastered|the art of putting on makeup {69049}{69117}with your non-smoking hand {69178}{69242}while driving with your knee, {69329}{69389}you might want to pay attention. {69391}{69425}And if your thighs {69427}{69515}stop moving 30 seconds after you do, {69582}{69642}some of this might be aimed at you. {69669}{69752}All right, here we go.|Redneck fashion tip number one. {69760}{69877}Certain things|should not be sold in certain sizes. {69923}{70004}lf your rear end|looks like two full-grown raccoons {70006}{70077}wrestling in a 50-pound bag|of feed corn, {70117}{70171}say no to spandex! {70421}{70469}Tight ain't always right. {70491}{70571}And the only place dimples are cute|are on your face. {70618}{70664}This woman came up to me|at the book signing. {70666}{70748}She had the biggest butt|l have ever seen in my life. {70750}{70792}And you've seen these kind of people. {70795}{70894}There're like from the waist up,|they're built kind of normally. {70897}{71010}And then from the waist down,|it's like an explosion took place. {71034}{71092}You know, just huge.|l mean, from a distance, {71094}{71158}she looked like a poodle|riding a Hippity Hop. {71161}{71200}You know, like... {71341}{71396}And there's no telling|how big her butt really was {71399}{71464}'cause she had it packed in these jeans. {71466}{71561}l mean, it was crammed in there.|l could hear the zipper crying. {71639}{71695}You got the feeling some night|some guy was gonna get her home, {71697}{71731}get that top button unbuttoned, {71733}{71772}and that thing was gonna|come flying out of there {71775}{71830}like a Navy life raft, you know. {71997}{72063}But the thing that was intriguing about it|was she had this attitude {72065}{72102}like she was the hottest thing|on the planet. {72105}{72174}And l love big girls|that think they're sexy. {72193}{72280}'Cause l think guys look at them|kind of like we do those rodeo bulls. {72282}{72364}You know, we're like,|''l bet l could ride it, {72482}{72531}''but l'd probably get hurt.'' {72641}{72705}So anyway, l signed her books for her,|and when she went to walk away, {72708}{72764}she wasn't just walking.|She was strutting. {72766}{72825}l mean, you know, like popping it. {72845}{72882}And l'm watching her 'cause l'm scared {72885}{72956}she's gonna knock over|some little kids or something. {72958}{73006}And my brother leaned over|and tapped me on the arm. {73009}{73056}He said,|''That looks like two blue Volkswagens {73059}{73129}''trying to pass each other|on a gravel road.'' {73253}{73331}Certain things|should not be sold in certain sizes. {73338}{73440}lf your stomach|blocks your view of your shoes, {73456}{73496}cover it up! {73655}{73717}The only people|that should be wearing belly shirts {73720}{73784}are the people that don't have bellies. {73789}{73890}And there's no shame,|no shame in having a spare tire. {73901}{73999}Just keep it in the trunk|so other people don't have to look at it. {74052}{74120}And, you know, those little|baby spare tires are kind of cute. {74122}{74165}Tractor tires aren't. {74179}{74244}Especially when they have hair on them. {74299}{74358}Certain things|should not be sold in certain sizes. {74361}{74438}And this goes to a lot of dads|and uncles out here. {74447}{74554}Your shorts are supposed to be longer|than your underwear. {74596}{74665}Especially if you wear tighty whities. {74713}{74770}Nobody wants to be at the family picnic {74773}{74830}and look over at Uncle Fred|sitting in a lawn chair {74833}{74912}and see anything|that looks like a baby bird. {75097}{75124}And talking about shorts, {75127}{75175}l gotta comment|on those little cotton shorts {75177}{75249}that have the words|printed on the back of them. {75252}{75345}First of all, guys, if you can't read|without moving your lips, {75361}{75454}do not stare at these shorts|in front of your wife or girlfriend. {75457}{75532}And for God sakes, don't pretend|you've had the cheap LASlK surgery {75535}{75611}and you can only read by using Braille,|you know? {75674}{75748}But these shorts bring up|my second fashion rule, and that is {75750}{75864}there has got to be an age limit|on certain articles of clothing. {75949}{75981}Got to be. {75994}{76053}And with these little cotton shorts|with the words on them, {76056}{76132}l think the age limit is what?|Fifteen? Sixteen? {76149}{76246}All l'm saying is that|if the veins in the back of your legs {76253}{76330}look like the street map|of Greater Pittsburgh, {76351}{76416}you ain't nobody's baby doll. {76517}{76597}lf your thighs look like|the hood of a white Toyota van {76600}{76640}after a hailstorm, {76662}{76708}you're not Juicy. {76835}{76917}You might be a terrific grandmother,|you're not Juicy. {76965}{77081}And this age-limit rule|also applies to low-cut tops on women. {77093}{77126}And you know what l'm talking about, {77129}{77197}these women|that insist on showing their cleavage {77199}{77264}30 years after anybody wants to see it. {77293}{77380}And they're always well-endowed.|l mean real well-endowed. {77396}{77441}They are the kind of women,|if they go to hug you, {77444}{77526}and you're not chewing gum,|your ears are going to pop. {77561}{77630}But that cleavage line's like|three feet long, {77633}{77700}and it's got these little wrinkles|coming off of it. {77702}{77751}Looks like you're looking down|into the Grand Canyon {77753}{77798}out an airplane window. {77849}{77902}And what is it? There's some women,|the older they get, {77905}{77968}just, the less modest they are. {77971}{78028}And everybody's done this,|where you're sitting there in the morning {78030}{78084}having a cup of coffee with Granny. {78086}{78191}And she's not wearing anything,|but a paper-thin nightgown and a smile. {78208}{78272}Then she'll bend down to pick up|something out of the floor, {78274}{78324}and suddenly|you're staring at something {78327}{78431}that looks like those long balloons|four days after the birthday party. {78607}{78703}And they ain't floating up to the ceiling,|they are on the floor. {78713}{78791}Hell, you could step on them|and they wouldn't pop. {78917}{79009}Fashion rule number three.|Tattoos are not for everybody. {79075}{79125}When l was a kid,|the only people that had tattoos {79128}{79176}were old guys|that had been in the Navy. {79178}{79221}You know,|and theirs were kind of blurry. {79224}{79256}ln fact, you couldn't even tell|what they were. {79258}{79282}You were staring at it, going, {79285}{79341}''Well, it's either a naked woman|or Willie Nelson {79343}{79391}''using post-hole diggers.'' {79415}{79485}But it was the old Navy guys|and Hells Angels. {79487}{79515}But they had the scary tattoos. {79517}{79592}You know, like on their knuckles,|like ''love'' and ''hate.'' {79597}{79623}My cousin had that, {79625}{79666}and then one summer|he got a job in the carnival, {79669}{79764}and he got his pinkie chopped off.|Now his hands say, ''Love hat.'' {79788}{79836}Ooh, that's intimidating. {79859}{79897}And l don't have anything|against tattoos. {79900}{79944}l don't have one, myself. {79946}{80014}lf l did, it would be right there|next to my watch, {80017}{80089}it would say,|''Your wife's birthday is August 2, {80092}{80140}''your anniversary is September 18, {80143}{80221}''don't let Ron White|drive your car again,'' you know. {80390}{80496}All l'm saying with tattoos|is you have to plan ahead just a little bit. {80501}{80558}You know, because l think|a lot of tattoos are cool {80561}{80620}when you're young and your skin is taut. {80623}{80692}But as you get older,|that skin's gonna start sagging. {80694}{80755}You know, ladies,|like that little hummingbird. {80757}{80807}lt's real cute when you're 20. {80809}{80888}But that bird is going to fly south|for the winter. {80901}{80971}And 20 years down the road,|you don't want your grandkids crying, {80973}{81026}going, ''l don't want|to stay with Grandma, {81029}{81087}''she's got a buzzard on her back!'' {81163}{81201}'Cause when that skin starts sagging, {81204}{81276}suddenly that dolphin is a beluga whale. {81305}{81372}And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell {81402}{81451}with a mouthful of leaves. {81479}{81538}And something else to think about.|You know it's going to be real hard {81541}{81592}for your kids to take you seriously|when you tell them, {81594}{81685}''Say no to drugs,'' and you got|a pot plant tattooed to your neck. {81813}{81860}Fashion rule number four. {81862}{81948}lf you've given birth|more than five times, {81951}{82055}a tank top is not|an acceptable substitute for a bra. {82180}{82223}There was this lady at the book signing, {82225}{82273}and l don't know|what had happened to her {82276}{82364}to cause this|particular breast configuration, {82366}{82435}but she had one under each arm. {82455}{82522}She looked like|a watermelon delivery boy. {82585}{82682}Tank tops aren't good on anybody,|especially those low-cut ones. {82689}{82760}You know, if your skin|is the color of Cool Whip {82762}{82840}and you have a mole|that looks like an oatmeal pie, {82868}{82932}let that be your little secret. {82978}{83044}Guys, if you have back titties... {83171}{83244}l didn't know if you would know|what l was talking about there. {83267}{83307}The kind of guys|that are walking through the mall {83309}{83382}and nursing babies|are going, ''Num-num, num-num.'' {83551}{83595}Also, if your back's so hairy, {83597}{83687}you've been shot more than twice|with a tranquilizer gun, {83689}{83740}say yes to sleeves. {83773}{83841}l hope Larry is listening to some of this. {84066}{84126}Fashion rule number five. {84129}{84236}lt is okay to wear a T-shirt|with nothing written on it. {84250}{84290}l don't know what it is about rednecks. {84293}{84326}We never have to write a r�sum�, {84329}{84388}because you can learn everything|you want to know about us {84390}{84448}by reading our clothes. {84450}{84509}You give me|a redneck man's T-shirt drawer, {84512}{84561}l can tell you|what kind of truck he drives, {84564}{84642}what radio station he listens to,|who he roots for in NASCAR, {84645}{84723}what he likes to hunt,|who his favorite college football team is, {84725}{84757}his philosophy on life, {84760}{84847}and where he went on vacation|the last 21 summers. {85025}{85058}And you give me his windbreaker, {85061}{85135}l'll tell you what kind of cigarettes|he smokes. {85178}{85245}Also, with T-shirts, guys,|if you weigh more than 400 pounds, {85248}{85336}it's not okay to wear a T-shirt that says,|''No Fat Chicks.'' {85381}{85479}You ought to be wearing one that says,|''l whipped anorexia's ass.'' {85594}{85712}And do not wear an ''l'm With Stupid''|T-shirt if you're by yourself. {85817}{85885}And if you do, well, l'd say that's right. {85994}{86036}Fashion rule number six. {86043}{86141}God invented closed-toed shoes|for a reason. {86172}{86289}Why is it the people with|the nastiest feet always wear flip-flops? {86317}{86341}You know what l'm talking about? {86344}{86429}lf you have so many corns|you have to put up a scarecrow, {86453}{86520}say no to the flip-flop. {86533}{86578}lf your toenails are so long {86581}{86664}you can swoop down on a lake|and catch a trout, {86689}{86749}say no to the flip-flop. {86762}{86830}lf you have a toenail|that's three different colors {86833}{86890}and none of them are nail polish, {86939}{87005}say no to the flip-flop. {87084}{87190}My next fashion rule, and this is|for some of you younger folks out there, {87193}{87277}if your mother still drives you to school, {87280}{87365}you ain't no gangster,|pull your pants up. {87671}{87765}The back pockets of your pants|should not be behind your knees. {87784}{87835}And l don't know why|l have to look at the underwear {87837}{87908}of every teenage boy in America. {87910}{87943}You know, when l was in school, {87945}{87981}if other people|could see your underwear, {87983}{88041}it was because two bullies|had cornered you on the playground {88043}{88108}and they'd yanked it up to your neck. {88141}{88214}Which is why as adults, most men|won't even consider wearing a thong {88217}{88306}'cause those are memories|we're trying to repress, you know. {88336}{88393}And my last fashion rule. {88396}{88456}Husbands and wives|should never dress alike, {88458}{88515}unless you're going to|a Garth Brooks concert {88517}{88560}or a Halloween party. {88636}{88700}l have only dressed like my wife|one time {88703}{88732}in our 20-year marriage, {88735}{88773}and it was the biggest mistake|l'd ever made. {88776}{88830}You cannot describe this little adventure {88833}{88888}without the word ''cluster'' in it. {88914}{88980}She wanted to go hunting with me|to see what it was all about, {88982}{89034}so l got her a camouflaged outfit,|and she never shut up. {89037}{89079}She never shut up the entire time. {89081}{89142}We're walking through the woods|and she's like, ''lt is so dirty out here. {89145}{89188}''l cannot believe leaves and sticks|are everywhere. {89190}{89272}''Can you believe how dirty it is?|Nobody ever cleans this up? {89274}{89340}''Oh, God, look at that.|l got mud on my new boots. {89343}{89408}''Oh, l hope that comes out.|l love these little boots. {89411}{89454}''You know, they were originally $129, {89457}{89513}''but l got them for $59.95.|You wanna know why? {89516}{89592}''They're last year's boots.|l don't think anybody'll know. Do you? {89595}{89662}''Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants.|Get him off, get him off. {89665}{89741}''Get him off.|Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug. {89744}{89792}''He's probably looking|for his bug family. {89795}{89848}''Here, hold my binoculars,|'cause l gotta straighten my hat up. {89851}{89893}''Are my bangs even? {89896}{89957}''Are they really even or are you|just saying that? Are they even? {89960}{90011}''Does this coat make me look too fat? {90016}{90057}''l don't like this coat.|l liked it when l first put it on, {90060}{90099}''but now l think|it makes my hips look fat. {90101}{90149}''Don't you think so?|Where are all the deer? {90152}{90180}''You said there were going to be|deer out here. {90182}{90265}''l don't see one single deer.|ls this going to take a long time? {90299}{90367}''How come you're putting your gun|in your mouth?'' {90393}{90479}You guys have been great.|God bless you, thank you for this. {90513}{90580}You guys are awesome. Thank you. {90632}{90688}Thank you very much. {90727}{90764}Thank you. {90766}{90841}All right, y'all, keep it going for one of|my dearest friends in the world {90844}{90897}and the next president|of the United States, {90900}{90937}Larry, the Cable Guy! {91221}{91251}All right. {91253}{91284}There goes Jeff. {91286}{91324}All right. {91327}{91359}Thank you. {91428}{91479}Thank you, l had to get my underwear|out of my crack. {91481}{91520}All right. {91522}{91556}Git-R-Done. {91624}{91649}Thank you. {91659}{91721}That's right, that's all l do.|l come out and l go, {91724}{91769}''Git-R-Done. That's $100.|Get the hell out of here.'' {91772}{91804}All right, yeah, excuse me. {91837}{91905}Well, thank you so much.|Good to see you. {91908}{91957}l didn't think l was gonna make it here. {91960}{92016}l was in Pennsylvania {92018}{92101}doing a thing|for the Playboy Channel down there. {92112}{92188}{Y:i}l was filming Amish Girls Gone Wild {92190}{92250}down there|for the Playboy Channel show. {92268}{92325}lt's kind of tough to get their bonnets off, {92327}{92385}but once we did,|they warmed up pretty good. {92388}{92432}l'll tell you. That's right. {92434}{92508}''Yeah, churn that butter, honey,|churn that butter. {92510}{92572}''Oh, that's good right there.'' {92574}{92681}l'm kind of irritated, though,|we was driving back in the car {92684}{92767}and had a accident.|l'm gonna sue Geico lnsurance. {92793}{92862}We had a accident|and they sent out an actual lizard {92865}{92928}to handle the claim, for God's sake. {92938}{92961}What in the world? {92964}{93040}l was madder than a Keebler Elf|getting demoted to fudge packer. {93043}{93102}l tell you what, l couldn't believe. {93112}{93169}That's upset there. {93172}{93252}That's upset right there. That's right. {93287}{93348}l like to travel. l was up in Canada, {93350}{93425}up there at the Calgary Stampede.|l like the rodeo. {93428}{93498}l tell you, l wish l could do that,|but l'm too out of shape for that. {93501}{93560}But my sister did it for a long time,|and... {93574}{93636}She did. She was good.|They ended up retiring her. {93639}{93680}Nobody could stay on her|for eight years. {93682}{93739}l tell you what, she was... {93741}{93777}She was mean. {93792}{93820}She was mean. {93822}{93888}l'll tell you, the cowboys called her|a mother bucker for many years. {93890}{93959}l'll tell you, she was,|she was a mean one. {93961}{94052}But l'm going to tell you what.|This is such a thrill to do this. {94054}{94125}And l'm gonna tell you something,|though, this ain't all roses up here. {94128}{94221}l got some women trying to get money|from me right now. {94224}{94284}They threatening to release|these sex tapes {94287}{94384}l made with them about 1 7 years ago, {94408}{94455}and it just really upsets you, you know? {94457}{94491}You finally make a little money {94493}{94553}and then you got relatives|coming out of the woodwork. {94555}{94618}You know what l mean, don't you? {94672}{94708}Pissed me off. {94736}{94802}Tell you what, though.|l'm trying to get in shape a little bit. {94805}{94891}l put on 22 pounds over the holidays, {94893}{94960}and l guess|that's a lot for Arbor Day, l guess. {94962}{95013}l ain't sure, but... {95016}{95072}Trying to lose a little bit|of weight, though. {95074}{95144}My Japanese neighbor's|starting to call me ''Gutzilla.'' {95146}{95188}So l got to do something with that. {95191}{95293}But l blame a lot of that|on the holidays and stuff, {95296}{95364}and l always try to make|my New Year's resolutions {95366}{95416}to not gain weight,|but l didn't do that this year. {95419}{95489}l made two different ones,|and l've kept them so far. {95501}{95549}Well, one. l ate a booger yesterday. {95552}{95625}All right, l didn't do that one,|but l couldn't help it. {95628}{95667}lt was dry air|and it was a good one, too. {95669}{95701}You know what l mean? {95704}{95729}Well, you can't help it. {95732}{95784}You don't want to but you're like,|''Oh, oh, what the hell?'' {95787}{95816}You know, l... {95862}{95925}But l said l was going to eat more|and get fat. {95928}{95978}And l have done that.|So that's a good thing. {95981}{96017}But you know what irritates me? {96020}{96133}Did you ever read the label on your|Butterball turkey over the holidays? {96185}{96266}Anybody speak English at all, {96268}{96362}or am l way off on the turkey deal?|You don't eat turkey? Or... {96385}{96481}My turkey said,|''Sweet, young, and juicy'' {96498}{96566}right on the daggum label.|That ain't right. {96569}{96647}l had my pants unsnapped|before we ate the meal this year. {96650}{96691}l'll tell you that much. {96696}{96730}That's right. {96770}{96855}But l do like food.|l'll tell you what, l enjoy it. {96858}{96881}The Waffle House. {96883}{96938}That's one of my favorite places|right there. {96941}{96988}l like the Waffle House. {97013}{97057}Smothered and covered, by God. {97059}{97139}You're a Communist if you don't eat it|smothered and covered. {97142}{97210}But don't eat it too late, 'cause|you'll eat it smothered and covered {97213}{97252}and it'll come out|scattered and splattered, {97254}{97298}l guaran-damn-tee. {97301}{97325}lt ain't funny. {97328}{97401}Good Lord, l could have bent over|and pooped through a keyhole in there. {97403}{97443}lt was ridiculous. {97446}{97489}l was madder than|a one-legged waitress {97491}{97558}working at the lHOP, l tell you what. {97560}{97643}Here's your pancakes. {97684}{97730}But it's good to be in old DC. {97733}{97834}l used to date a gal from here|a few years ago, and... l did. {97836}{97886}We ended up breaking up.|lt was mutual. {97889}{97943}Her and her husband told me|to get the hell out, {97946}{97988}so l did. {98007}{98095}Dated another gal a few years ago,|and she scared me. {98098}{98150}She come up to me one morning.|She said, ''Well, pretty soon {98153}{98220}''you're gonna hear the pitter-patter|of little feet around the house.'' {98223}{98276}l'm like, ''Oh, Lord, she's pregnant.'' {98278}{98332}She ended up leaving me for a midget. {98400}{98508}l used to date a little midget girl|as a matter of fact, about that tall. {98511}{98575}Good Lord, l loved her.|l was nuts over her. {98578}{98625}l tell you, l was. {98645}{98680}l loved her. {98727}{98762}That's right. {98798}{98857}We didn't date too long.|No, she irritated me. {98859}{98904}She kept sticking her nose|in my business. {98906}{98956}You know what l mean? Just... {99074}{99165}Let's see, but l did,|l got married about seven months ago. {99167}{99191}Yeah. {99194}{99289}And, oh, don't... Hey, don't clap.|We're already having trouble. {99294}{99329}And {99331}{99402}apparently you can't talk dirty|to your wife's sister {99404}{99450}on the telephone, l guess. {99465}{99534}Didn't really read the rulebook|on all that. {99546}{99601}But l love her, though.|You can tell when you in love. {99603}{99658}l didn't think l ever could,|but God bless her. {99661}{99740}She's the only girl l ever made love to|with my pants completely off. {99742}{99787}l'll tell you, there's a... {99790}{99867}There was a connection there|from the beginning. {99886}{99933}l'll tell you what's really cool about her, {99935}{99988}she looks like my favorite|country singer. {99990}{100029}That's a turn-on right there. {100031}{100059}You see your singer on TV {100062}{100116}and then you married somebody|that look like... {100119}{100155}l mean, we was walking|down the street the other day. {100158}{100184}l was so daggum proud, {100186}{100231}people was like,|''Look, there's Travis Tritt!'' {100234}{100307}''Look at that, right there,|it's Travis Tritt!'' {100354}{100380}That's right. {100383}{100437}She looks a little like him|from the back like this. {100439}{100535}l'll tell you, a little T-R-O-U-B-L-E|coming my way. {100563}{100625}We got us a baby on the way, August 4. {100627}{100665}We pretty excited about that. {100668}{100691}We... {100710}{100772}Yeah, that's going to be pretty cool. {100792}{100843}Going to be cool.|We ordered her from China. {100846}{100935}So hopefully she'll get here then,|you know, if she ain't here by the 4th, {100938}{101015}then l blowed 20 bucks on a cake|that says, ''Welcome, Ling Chau,'' {101018}{101071}all right, l'll tell you that. {101149}{101216}No, but she is going to have a baby.|l'm so proud. {101218}{101243}She wants a little boy, {101246}{101289}l want a 16-year-old Polynesian girl. {101291}{101338}That's what l want, right there. {101359}{101445}Hopefully we can figure that|whole thing out, right there. {101453}{101479}You know. {101490}{101555}But l'm from a small town. {101574}{101662}You got to create things to do.|l like to fish and hunt {101665}{101739}and throw rocks at whores.|We used to do that a lot. {101742}{101801}But that was a church function, there. {101804}{101853}That was, but... {101878}{101958}Fishing. l love fishing.|That's a lot of fun, there. {101960}{101996}l tell you what, {101998}{102073}l was standing on my porch|the other day, looking at some stars {102076}{102154}through my telescope, 'cause|my neighbor'd put her top back on, {102212}{102272}and my buddy goes,|''You want to go fishing in the morning?'' {102274}{102323}l'm like, ''Daggum. Git-R-Done.'' {102326}{102350}Right, {102353}{102427}and he said, ''Well, we need|to be on the lake at 5:00 a.m.'' {102434}{102460}Come again? {102480}{102520}5:00 a.m.? {102522}{102624}You couldn't get me on a cheerleader|at 5:00 a.m., l'll tell you that. {102657}{102710}What in the world? {102749}{102807}Well, you could,|but she'd have to bring her own rod, {102810}{102856}l guarantee you that. {102864}{102943}There'd be nothing working on me|at that hour, there. {102972}{103062}Went trout fishing one time|and didn't get nothing for seven hours. {103065}{103158}And then l farted in my waders|and four trout come up for air. {103184}{103214}Daggum. {103217}{103255}lf l'd have had one more bowl of chili, {103258}{103331}l'd have got 10 of them daggum things|in there. {103334}{103397}l just wasn't prepared.|l wasn't prepared. {103423}{103519}Wasn't prepared. But l do love to fish,|and l'll tell you what. {103522}{103602}They got all kinds of fish.|You ever heard of Orange Roughy? {103605}{103633}-Yeah.|-You... {103635}{103686}l didn't even know that was a fish. {103694}{103798}l thought that was what you took after|you ate a bag of Cheez Doodles. {103929}{103952}Good Lord. {103954}{104022}Went fishing in Miami one time|and caught a Cuban. {104058}{104093}That's funny. {104109}{104147}Good Lord. {104162}{104194}lt was unbelievable. {104197}{104291}There was a whole school of them|down there, l couldn't believe it. {104294}{104317}But l felt bad. {104320}{104371}l had my limit|and l had to throw the little feller back. {104374}{104417}l felt bad about it. {104419}{104445}You ever do this? {104447}{104532}You ever throw firecrackers|in the water, watch the fish come up? {104534}{104559}That's fun, right there. {104562}{104645}We was throwing M-80's in,|fish flying up. {104647}{104687}That's right. We blew the aquarium {104690}{104773}at the dentist's office all to hell,|we done that. {104802}{104848}l thought it was funny, l did. {104850}{104898}But we was kids, we was about 25, {104901}{104966}so we didn't know|what we was doing then. {104987}{105045}Went fishing one time, {105047}{105166}for catfish using shrimp as bait,|which makes no sense at all. {105168}{105216}-Does that make any sense?|-No. {105218}{105273}Fishing for a fish that's $2 a pound {105275}{105345}with a fish that's $9.99 a pound? {105362}{105433}l ended up eating the bait,|that's what l did. {105443}{105522}''How come you ain't fishing for catfish?''|''We got shrimp.'' {105573}{105636}l like to hunt.|That's one of my favorite things. {105638}{105709}Need to be careful, though.|My brother's not a very good hunter. {105711}{105787}He shot himself in the head|bowhunting one year. {105819}{105925}And this was the final straw with him.|l took him bird hunting one time. {105927}{105982}There's birds everywhere.|He don't get nothing. {105984}{106049}l got 23 daggum birds. {106058}{106088}And l go, ''What's wrong with you?'' {106090}{106182}He goes, ''l don't think|l'm throwing the dog up high enough.'' {106193}{106225}What the hell? {106227}{106290}And we ended up getting thrown out|of the zoo over the whole deal. {106293}{106347}l mean, it was unbelievable. {106350}{106406}l didn't know them penguins|could fly like that. {106408}{106447}They pretty good. {106469}{106537}Them people,|the anti-gunners, irritate me. {106539}{106603}But l'm gonna tell you something.|l was reading in the paper the other day, {106606}{106629}there was an article in there said, {106631}{106732}''Cholesterol kills more people|in this country than guns.'' {106754}{106793}Tell you what, they want to save lives, {106795}{106862}they ought to put a seven-day|waiting period on Popeye's chicken. {106864}{106924}That's what... l tell you right there. {106926}{106962}That's right. {107005}{107039}That's right. {107045}{107099}That's what's killing folks, right there. {107102}{107170}''l want a bucket of chicken.''|''Fill out these forms.'' {107190}{107272}And PETA irritates me.|l got three words for PETA, {107274}{107320}chicken fried steak. {107339}{107383}That's right, l like that. {107386}{107478}l like meat.|l tell you, that's good food, right there. {107480}{107522}That is good food. {107559}{107608}That's right. l like eating meat. {107610}{107653}l like rump roast. You ever eat that? {107655}{107712}l was eating rump roast one time,|l said to my butcher, {107714}{107771}l said, ''Why do they call rump roast|'rump roast'?'' {107774}{107850}He said, ''Nobody'd eat it|if they named it 'cow ass.''' {108094}{108172}l like getting all my hunting stuff|at the Bass Pro Shops. {108174}{108229}That's where you get all...|That's a good store, ain't it? {108231}{108282}Git-R-Done, that's right. {108285}{108311}l like that. {108314}{108373}They trying to get|more women shoppers in there now, {108376}{108478}so they just opened up|a Victoria's Secret at our Bass Pro Shop {108480}{108509}a while back, {108511}{108597}and, oh, it's nice.|l got my wife some crotchless waders. {108606}{108630}Yeah. {108661}{108731}Some beef jerky, edible under-britches. {108760}{108798}l bought so much stuff, {108801}{108884}they even threw in a French Tickler|with a scope on it. {108960}{109035}l like doing all that shopping stuff.|l enjoy it. {109038}{109099}Wal-Mart's my favorite store to go to. {109102}{109176}l like the Wal-Mart. That's right. {109178}{109256}All the uptight, political correct folks,|they don't like Wal-Mart. {109258}{109304}They don't pay good wages at Wal-Mart. {109306}{109362}Well, l got an idea.|Don't work at freaking Wal-Mart. {109365}{109417}How's that sound, right there? {109445}{109531}Yes, l like... Well, you can get|anything you want at the Wal-Mart. {109534}{109621}They just opened up in our Wal-Mart|two dentists' offices. {109634}{109669}We did. l ain't kidding with you. {109671}{109753}Lying, crying, l ain't shed a tear.|We got two dentists' offices in there. {109755}{109813}Got a regular dentist|and an express dentist {109815}{109865}for folks with 15 teeth or less in there. {109867}{109912}We got the whole deal. {109970}{110009}The whole deal in there. {110011}{110077}You ever see|the door greeters in there? {110091}{110117}Good Lord. {110120}{110202}Wal-Mart been around since, what?|1950s, 1960s? {110204}{110287}The door greeter been in there|since 1852 in there. {110301}{110353}And you walk in, you know, he's like, {110355}{110406}''Can l get you a buggy?'' {110574}{110650}Boy, if you ever robbed a Wal-Mart,|one thing you ain't got to say is, {110653}{110693}''Nobody move!'' {110718}{110801}You ever shop at the Wal-Mart|after 2:00 a.m.? {110816}{110878}lt's almost everybody in there|got some sort of {110881}{110937}leg disease or something. {110946}{110994}lt's almost like the Wal-Mart {110996}{111080}turns into the Monty Python's|Ministry of Silly Walks {111082}{111121}after 2:00 a.m. {111124}{111203}Good Lord, look at that guy|on aisle two over there. {111350}{111416}Hell, look at that guy by the ice cream. {111482}{111575}Good Lord, let's get the hell out of here,|let's get the hell out of here. {111578}{111642}What's going on|at the Wal-Mart in here? {111654}{111722}Hey, did you ever say something|to somebody at the Wal-Mart, {111724}{111778}and then after you said it you thought, {111780}{111825}''Shouldn't have said that.'' {111842}{111894}l do that every trip in there. {111915}{111988}But there was this feller,|standing in line there. {112000}{112068}Evidently busted his neck.|Had one of them halos. {112070}{112106}You ever see that? {112109}{112179}Look like a scaffold around the head. {112182}{112244}lt's bolted into your temples? {112254}{112306}Well, this dude go like this. {112372}{112424}l go, ''What's wrong with you?'' He goes, {112426}{112471}''Think l lost my car key.'' {112486}{112567}l said, ''You'd lose your head|if it wasn't screwed on.'' {112770}{112794}Was that wrong? {112797}{112849}'Cause l was really laughing|after l said that, {112851}{112897}l got to tell you. {112899}{112977}Oh, this is embarrassing. {112979}{113072}l was bagging my own groceries|at the grocery store the other day {113074}{113107}'cause it was busy, {113110}{113169}and some old woman come up|and patted me on the head {113172}{113262}and said, ''l think it's wonderful|they hire people like you.'' {113418}{113460}l was like, ''Thank you.'' {113544}{113601}Then l wet my pants|and run her over with my cart, {113603}{113640}that's what l did. {113642}{113721}Thank you, thank you, thank you. {113773}{113837}l'll tell you,|my favorite store is the Home Depot. {113839}{113896}l like that store, right there. {113918}{114025}That's a good store.|That's a big store in there. Good Lord. {114030}{114097}l'm glad they sell hot dogs|on the way in. {114110}{114202}You may need something to survive on|if you get lost in there. {114209}{114314}But the worst thing|about them hot dogs at the Home Depot {114316}{114369}is they go right through you. {114402}{114502}Good Lord, l had a couple of bites|of the wiener dog in there, {114514}{114561}and l had a brown snake|playing peek-a-boo {114564}{114631}with my butt crack in there|at Home Depot. {114678}{114705}lt ain't funny. {114707}{114790}l'm walking like this|through the Home Depot in there. {114808}{114878}{Y:i}Looked like the March of the Penguins|in there. {114916}{115001}All l could think of was that commercial,|''What can brown do for you?'' {115004}{115062}You know what l mean?|That's all l thought. {115072}{115100}What can brown do for me? {115102}{115161}Make me look like a jackass|at the Home Depot, {115163}{115202}what it do for me. {115211}{115268}Then l had to stand there|with my butt cheeks {115270}{115317}squished together like this, {115319}{115385}hoping nothing would shoot out of there, {115390}{115458}act like l'm looking|at something, you know. {115469}{115535}You ever do that?|You be playing a game or something? {115538}{115602}lt hits you and you're like, ''Oh, Lord.'' {115609}{115669}You know that people are like,|''Larry, get over here!'' {115671}{115750}''Hold on, l'm looking at this|weird bug over here. {115840}{115913}''l ain't never seen a bug like this|in my whole life. {115941}{115984}''Oh, that's a big bug.'' {116062}{116118}But do me a favor,|if you ever go to the Home Depot, {116121}{116202}tell them idiots|in the plumbing department {116204}{116320}to mark it better that them toilets|is for display purposes only in there. {116443}{116555}Good Lord, l felt like an idiot going|to the toilets on them stools in there. {116580}{116605}But the good news is, {116607}{116662}somebody's gonna get|a plunger half price, all right? {116665}{116705}That's the good news. {116710}{116793}So there's a silver lining in everything|in this world. {116803}{116863}Hey, did you ever read that story|about the feller {116866}{116925}that glued his hind end|to the toilet seat? {116930}{116966}You read that? {116980}{117053}Some feller goes into Home Depot|and there were some kids in there, {117056}{117082}pranksters. {117108}{117190}And what they done is|they put some industrial glue {117193}{117218}on the toilet lid. {117221}{117272}Well, this feller don't know,|and he walks in there {117274}{117351}to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, {117374}{117420}and he sits down on this stool {117422}{117522}and glues his hind end to the toilet lid. {117525}{117566}And he sued Home Depot. {117569}{117634}And... But he didn't sue|'cause he got glued to the seat, {117636}{117720}he sued 'cause nobody'd come in there|quick enough and help him. {117722}{117805}Well, who in their right mind|is gonna help somebody like that? {117808}{117850}What would you do,|you go into Home Depot {117852}{117886}and hear somebody in there|and see his feet. {117888}{117935}Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh. {117938}{117961}Oh. {117972}{117995}Oh. {118018}{118062}Help me! {118125}{118161}Help me! {118193}{118265}l can't get off. Help me get off. {118327}{118401}You ain't going in there, either,|l guarantee. {118454}{118561}They ended up having to cut|the whole stool {118570}{118653}out of the floor|and put him on a wood cart, {118687}{118752}still sitting in the fecal position, {118863}{118929}and wheel him out of the Home Depot, {118931}{118998}in front of God|and every shopper in there. {119012}{119107}That's a pathetic one-man parade|right there, l'll tell you what. {119111}{119205}Looked like he was crowned king|of the Home Depot poopers in there. {119207}{119258}How you all doing? Good to see you.|How are you? Good to see you. {119261}{119326}Hi, everybody. Here's a Tootsie Roll.|Take some Tootsie Rolls for the kids. {119329}{119400}How are you? Good to see you.|What's going on? {119402}{119497}But the thing that irritated me was,|it was the Home Depot, for Pete's sake. {119500}{119566}You mean to tell me|out of that big old 25-acre store, {119568}{119658}they didn't have one item|to unglue him from a toilet seat? {119661}{119699}That's pathetic. {119706}{119762}And that's why l poop at Lowe's. {119809}{119833}Git-R-Done. {119836}{119904}Thanks so much, everybody.|l appreciate it. {120116}{120156}That's right, thank you. {120190}{120222}All right. {120348}{120423}What do you say|we bring the boys back out? {120464}{120536}Mr. Bill Engvall! {120594}{120663}Mr. Jeff Foxworthy! {120700}{120777}Mr. Ron ''Tater Salad'' White! {121070}{121110}Well, looky there, boys. {121113}{121165}We got stool men now. {121206}{121231}You know what, it's funny. {121234}{121266}We travel all over the country, {121269}{121341}and we all been doing this|for a number of... {121522}{121585}l never considered you a spinner. {121615}{121666}This is the same guy,|yesterday afternoon, {121669}{121700}we're at the Lincoln Memorial, {121702}{121773}and he said,|''l had no idea he was that big.'' {121818}{121886}And Bill said,|''He's not even standing up.'' {121896}{121963}You know, we travel all over the country|doing these shows and stuff. {121966}{122005}And it's funny, being a comedian, {122007}{122058}people always come up to you, they go,|''Hey, tell me a joke.'' {122061}{122102}Which is weird,|'cause nobody walks up to a plumber {122105}{122152}and says, ''Hey, fix my toilet.'' {122157}{122220}So l thought what'd be fun is|do what we do every night. {122222}{122254}Like, we finish a show. {122256}{122290}And you're jacked up from the show, {122293}{122339}you can't go to bed,|so we sit around down at the bar, {122342}{122392}or Waffle House or whatever,|and we just tell jokes to each other, {122394}{122469}and l thought it might be fun|if we tell our favorite jokes tonight. {122471}{122495}-All right.|-Yeah. {122498}{122526}Yeah, just joke jokes. {122529}{122583}-You guys...|-All right. {122634}{122696}l got to tell you,|l'm dizzier than hell here. {122813}{122879}The doctor says to this feller, {122882}{122955}''You got...|l got bad news and worse news.'' {122958}{123026}He says, ''Oh, what's the bad news?''|He says, ''You got 24 hours to live.'' {123028}{123121}He says, ''What's the worse news?''|''l forgot to call you yesterday.'' {123250}{123315}All right, l got a 24-hour-to-live one. {123320}{123379}Guy gets up in the morning, 6:00 a.m.,|goes to the doctor, {123382}{123425}the doctor tells him|he's got 24 hours to live. {123427}{123478}l bet this is the same doctor. {123609}{123662}Y'all want to sit next to each other? {123810}{123872}So, that night|when the guy's going to bed, {123874}{123925}he tells his wife, he said,|''l've only got a few hours left.'' {123928}{124006}He said, ''l want to make love to you|just as many times as l possibly can.'' {124008}{124063}And so they do it once,|twice, three times. {124066}{124101}And then they fall asleep. {124103}{124178}Well, about 4:30 in the morning,|the guy taps his wife on the shoulder, {124181}{124228}he goes, ''l want to make love to you|one more time.'' {124230}{124301}And she goes, ''You know,|that's easy for you to say, Jerry. {124303}{124370}''You don't have to|get up in the morning.'' {124480}{124517}lt's a different joke. {124602}{124635}That's good. {124673}{124709}Ronnie, you got a joke? {124711}{124743}-Nope.|-All right. {124831}{124926}His mind's like a lazy Susan.|lf you'll just bear with us, {124938}{125018}it'll come back around here|in just a minute. {125062}{125130}This guy's taking flying lessons.|He's talking to his buddy, {125132}{125164}and he says, ''The first day in the air {125166}{125227}''the instructor informs me|he's an eighth-degree black belt {125230}{125258}''and a homosexual, {125261}{125305}''and if l don't succumb|to his sexual advances {125307}{125349}''l have to jump out of the plane.'' {125351}{125382}And his buddy goes,|''Well, did you jump?'' {125384}{125450}And the guy goes,|''Yeah. A little at first.'' {125596}{125630}l like that. {125710}{125737}This woman goes to the doctor {125740}{125784}and says she's got|a digestive tract problem, {125786}{125837}and the doc says,|''Well, tell me about your daily routine.'' {125840}{125885}She says,|''Well, l get up at 6:15 every morning, {125887}{125945}''l make my family breakfast,|and at 8:15, l have a bowel movement.'' {125947}{125996}He goes, ''Well, let's take a x-ray|and see what the problem is.'' {125998}{126052}So he takes an x-ray and goes,|''Well, there's the problem right there. {126054}{126102}''You got three worms in you.|We're gonna have to operate.'' {126104}{126156}First worm goes, ''Did you hear that?'' {126210}{126237}He goes,|''Well, l'm gonna hide behind the heart.'' {126240}{126274}Other worm says,|''Well, l'll hide behind the liver.'' {126277}{126327}And the third one says, ''l don't know|about the rest of you fellas, {126330}{126385}''but l'm catching the 8:15 out of here.'' {126734}{126776}That's funny. {126785}{126829}-All right, let me try one more, here.|-All right. {126831}{126874}One more, here. All right. {126978}{127059}Guess the show is running|a little long for some of us. {127300}{127323}-All right.|-l didn't know it was gonna {127326}{127357}take this long, sorry. {127377}{127445}This feller goes hunting with his buddy,|and he got the scope up {127447}{127484}and he goes, ''Oh, my Lord, {127486}{127537}''l can see your house from here,|and your wife's cheating on you {127540}{127606}''with another feller.''|He says, ''l've had it with her.'' {127609}{127661}''Shoot her in the head|and shoot him in the private parts.'' {127663}{127730}And he said, ''l'll get that in one shot.'' {128032}{128115}l got to admit,|the preacher told me that last week. {128173}{128253}This guy's mother-in-law|comes to live with him. {128255}{128292}And she's been living there|for about a week. {128294}{128346}And he comes home one day|and she's laying on the floor. {128349}{128399}And he calls 91 1|and the ambulance comes and gets her {128402}{128478}and they take her to the hospital,|and he's out in the waiting room {128481}{128527}and the doctor comes out after a while|and the doctor said, {128530}{128605}''Well, l got some good news|and some bad news.'' {128608}{128654}Guy said, ''All right, well,|give me the bad news first.'' {128657}{128741}He goes, ''All right.|Your mother-in-law is not gonna die.'' {128743}{128790}He said, ''She's had a massive stroke.'' {128792}{128848}He said, ''ln fact, she's probably gonna|live 20 or 30 more years.'' {128850}{128952}He said, ''The problem is, this thing|has rendered her unable to speak.'' {128954}{129061}He said, ''She just makes this horrible|screeching noise like a parrot now.'' {129066}{129112}He said, ''lt's also {129114}{129184}''disabled her from using her arms|and she can't feed herself.'' {129186}{129221}He said, ''For the next 20 or 30 years, {129223}{129293}''you're gonna have to feed her|baby food three times a day.'' {129295}{129342}He said,|''Also, it's made her incontinent. {129345}{129381}''You're going to have|to change her diapers {129384}{129448}''and clean her up|every single day of your life.'' {129450}{129547}And the guy said, ''Oh, my God,''|he said, ''What's the good news?'' {129550}{129638}And the doctor goes,|''l'm just kidding with you, she died.'' {129734}{129773}That's a good one. {129810}{129847}Oh, my God. {129994}{130057}lt ain't right, but you laughed at it. {130132}{130166}Mr. White? {130188}{130269}There's a cruise ship|and there's a magician {130271}{130349}that works on the ship,|and the captain had a parrot. {130351}{130386}And he liked to go|to the show every night. {130388}{130446}But the parrot understood the show,|and because he could talk, {130449}{130489}he would give away everything,|you know? {130492}{130556}''Oh, he's putting it in his sock.'' {130558}{130610}''He put it up his sleeve.'' {130615}{130665}''lt's in his hat.'' {130672}{130728}And the magician just hated this bird, {130730}{130766}and one night he just snapped {130768}{130816}and he pulled out a pistol|and he shot the bird {130818}{130865}and the bird ducked and the bullet {130867}{130901}hits a propane tank {130903}{130986}and blows the cruise ship|to a billion pieces. {131005}{131073}The only survivors were|the parrot and the magician, {131075}{131175}and they're floating out in the ocean|on two little pieces of wood, {131178}{131213}and the parrot goes, {131215}{131287}''All right, l give up,|where's the damn ship?'' {131537}{131589}All right, l got a ship joke. {131614}{131663}Back in the 1800s, this wooden warship {131666}{131709}was out cruising the ocean. {131711}{131738}And the guy in the crow's nest says, {131741}{131801}''Captain, there's an enemy ship|on the horizon.'' {131803}{131840}The Captain turns|to his assistant and says, {131842}{131894}''Bring me my red shirt.'' {131936}{131961}''All right.'' {131963}{131991}He goes and gets his red shirt. {131994}{132036}The Captain puts it on,|the battle ensues. {132038}{132110}lt goes all day long,|and they don't lose one sailor. {132114}{132182}About 10 minutes later the assistant|comes up to the Captain and says, {132184}{132226}''Hey, l got to ask you something.'' {132229}{132298}And he says, ''Before the battle started,|you said, 'Bring me my red shirt.''' {132300}{132334}And he goes, ''Why a red shirt?''|And he goes, {132336}{132395}''Because if l happened to be shot,|and was bleeding, {132398}{132484}''the crew would not notice the blood|and they will continue to fight on.'' {132486}{132540}And he goes, ''Wow, that's awesome.'' {132542}{132579}Next morning,|the guy in the crow's nest goes, {132582}{132627}''Twenty enemy ships on the horizon.'' {132630}{132699}The Captain goes,|''Bring me my brown pants.'' {132854}{132930}All right, we got to share this with them. {132974}{133028}We've been on the road for 20 years {133030}{133072}just making fun of people every night. {133074}{133182}And so the producers of the movie|thought it would be really funny... {133185}{133250}They contacted our wives|without our knowing it, {133253}{133319}and they got them to go through|our photo albums, {133325}{133373}and to send them pictures of us {133375}{133445}that we weren't necessarily|really proud of. {133555}{133619}And they've got a big Rolodex of them, {133622}{133701}and so every night they've been|showing us more and more of them. {133703}{133749}So for your amusement, {133771}{133872}here are some of our real-life photos. {133900}{133923}-Oh!|-Oh! {133990}{134028}Yeah, baby. {134031}{134066}Yes, sir. {134217}{134315}Wait a minute.|ls that shirt tied in a knot? {134357}{134436}ls that a shirt?|l thought it was a prison mattress. {134474}{134573}First there was the Bee Gees,|then came the heebie-jeebies. {134661}{134735}That was the look|that killed disco, right there. {134764}{134806}Where was this taken? {134813}{134882}At my apartment complex.|The Bridgeview Apartments. {134885}{134968}And there was no bridge|and there was no view. {134977}{135010}-Looks like...|-No, there's a view. {135013}{135048}There's a view. {135050}{135136}{Y:i}Looks like a stunt double|for one of the dudes in Eight is Enough. {135242}{135310}{Y:i}No, he looks like that girl|from One Day at a Time. {135472}{135497}Oh! {135501}{135540}Oh, my God. {135870}{135927}''Please, please help me,|Captain Hook.'' {135930}{135971}''Help me, Captain Hook.'' {135974}{136029}Dude, you gotta kill your wife. {136084}{136168}This is one of Disney World's|least favorite characters. {136181}{136209}Fruity. {136342}{136411}Laugh it up, laugh it up. {136431}{136469}-Oh!|-Oh! {136589}{136649}That's when l was doing|Larry, the Cable Girl. {136716}{136783}There is more carpet on your toilet {136786}{136850}than there is in the rest of the house. {136875}{136954}His first time ever using an indoor toilet, {136957}{136999}Larry lost a foot. {137067}{137169}That toilet was used a lot.|We got a restrictor plate on that toilet. {137192}{137257}ls that two scales in this bathroom? {137281}{137357}My sister's pretty big,|l'll tell you that much. {137386}{137476}We had to total it up.|They only went to 300 each. {137666}{137705}Here's your sign. {137886}{137940}ls this one of the stories|that includes the phrase, {137942}{138014}''And then we started drinking tequila?'' {138025}{138080}What you don't know|is the pool's empty. {138106}{138180}And probably cleaner than Larry's toilet. {138541}{138586}l'm getting a divorce. {138620}{138714}That look has the look of this,|''l have got to fart so bad.'' {138768}{138852}Looks like the assistant manager|at the Lazy Eye lnstitute. {138854}{138891}Can l help you? {138972}{139037}That's the originator of the website {139039}{139106}upskirts.com, right there. {139279}{139338}Guess what's under the cake? {139438}{139474}Not a whole lot. {139477}{139529}Larry always found it easier|to pick up chicks {139532}{139580}in his Pep Band T-shirt. {139631}{139682}You were in the Pep Band? {139685}{139714}l know. l caught flak, {139717}{139793}people calling me a sissy and a pansy,|but l loved the baton. {139795}{139834}l always have. {139896}{139928}Oh, my God. {139930}{140030}The couch is like something from|the Jimi Hendrix collection {140033}{140077}at Sears, too. {140079}{140105}That ain't no couch. {140107}{140175}That's my sister|taking a nap right there. {140337}{140420}-Oh, God.|-Oh, God almighty. {140422}{140533}''Son, if you play your cards right,|this Chrysler K-car will be yours.'' {140630}{140704}You know, l knew l left something out|of the redneck fashion tips. {140706}{140776}lt was the denim one-piece jumpsuit. {140957}{141004}l remember the one thing|you didn't want to get {141006}{141046}while you was wearing that|was the runs, {141049}{141098}'cause you couldn't get it off. {141107}{141198}Look like Shaun Cassidy's stand-in|or something. {141201}{141265}Evel Gay-nievel. {141360}{141409}She had great legs. {141415}{141472}lf you'd have seen the legs|on this chick, {141474}{141546}you'd have gone,|''Well, you know, maybe.'' {141560}{141598}The senior prom. {141673}{141726}You know that joke|l did about the long balloons {141729}{141801}four days after the birthday party? {141803}{141868}Oh, that's beautiful. {141870}{141968}l think it's great the way they cut|the walker out of the picture there. {141970}{142018}That's my grandmother,|you better watch out. {142021}{142057}Oh, l'm sorry. {142190}{142217}Hey, {142220}{142284}Jeff gets ready|for a two-month prison sentence {142286}{142366}and practices|while sitting on a door lock. {142650}{142742}l'm actually kind of wondering|why you left the one-piece jumpsuit out {142744}{142792}of your fashion tips now. {142810}{142889}Looks to me|like you got one on there, Jeffie. {142999}{143056}Talk about having money. {143073}{143164}All these years you never shared with us|that you were employed at Wendy's. {143166}{143246}Well, you know,|you keep jobs like that under wraps. {143248}{143340}You don't want people to,|you know, feel bad about themselves. {143376}{143421}Who is the guy in the window? {143437}{143469}That's the manager. {143504}{143553}He looks like,|like two minutes earlier he said, {143555}{143646}''All right, if you're gonna fart,|go out in the parking lot.'' {143665}{143748}l had a cheeseburger tucked up|under my hat there. {143898}{143901}Oh. {143901}{143923}Oh. {143933}{144002}Now, that picture meant a lot to me. {144010}{144075}-Explain that.|-We were on a band trip, {144114}{144178}and we went to New Orleans. {144189}{144222}-This is...|-That's the closest you got {144225}{144282}to a naked woman as a teenager,|wasn't it? {144284}{144341}What is today? {144354}{144427}This is actually Bill|with his first tromboner. {144578}{144639}What instrument did you play, Bill? {144651}{144695}Trom... Trombone. {144714}{144760}Well, they got|your mom's picture in the window. {144762}{144812}That's nice, too. {144814}{144846}Put me through college. {144934}{144988}lf they would've put that|on a bottle of Scotch, {144990}{145049}they'd have found me a lot sooner. {145299}{145394}Your head and the orange|are the exact same shape, look at that. {145402}{145460}l think l was a good-looking kid. {145524}{145602}''Erlene, get back in the trailer now.'' {145718}{145743}And people always ask, {145746}{145821}''Where do you come up|with them redneck jokes at?'' {145824}{145877}What look were you|going for here, Jeffie? {145879}{145968}We were trying to make funny pictures|where we pulled our pants low {145970}{146009}and, you know, your shirt|where it made you look like {146012}{146058}you were real long-waisted|or something. {146060}{146099}Good God. {146115}{146154}You're an idiot. {146263}{146322}Wait. l take that back. {146349}{146406}You're an idiot. {146409}{146486}This girl is not gonna smile|until the check clears. {146597}{146680}You are having way more fun|than she is. {146710}{146798}Larry celebrates the arrival|of his first blow-up doll. {146844}{146881}More wine coolers! {146928}{146967}Who is that? {146970}{147024}l don't know, but she had a tattoo|on her hind end said, {147026}{147089}''Downgrade, watch for other truckers.'' {147250}{147275}Hey. {147287}{147312}Look at his shorts. {147314}{147393}lt really is a small world after all.|Look at that. {147589}{147684}l don't want to say nothing,|but you work a consistent look. {147705}{147762}l was trying all kind|of different stuff, you know? {147765}{147806}-Not really.|-No. {147884}{147988}What happens at the family reunion|stays at the family reunion. {148019}{148081}''What do you mean you want cab fare?'' {148142}{148225}The best part of this,|you have put a blanket {148227}{148315}over to protect the good Naugahyde|on the chair there. {148347}{148376}lt was a nice place. {148378}{148423}l like his Daisy Pukes. {148566}{148634}No, they doctored that up. {148636}{148661}Oh, yeah. {148663}{148750}Just find a good spot|and let the boys come to you. {148776}{148851}Do you see what l mean|about the consistent look? {148854}{148896}No, they did that to that. {148898}{148932}-l had the...|-What's... Oh yeah, yeah, {148934}{148978}-they did something to it.|-They, yeah. {148980}{149017}What's with the glasses? {149020}{149108}You look at that photo|and the glasses bother you? {149148}{149217}What about the two sailors|in assless chaps? {149219}{149265}Did you notice them, Bill? {149370}{149409}He's got a point. {149851}{149880}Oh, my God. {149882}{149974}{Y:i}That's when Larry was|the casting director for the movie Babe. {150028}{150087}lt's such a cute daggum sheep, though. {150090}{150180}Look at it. Look at that face.|How could you not love that? {150200}{150229}Room service, {150232}{150290}l'm gonna need some beers {150293}{150336}and a bag of oats. {150364}{150402}You guys have been great.|God bless you. {150405}{150461}-Thank you so much.|-Thank you very much. 102415