Original subtitles

What a dump.

Who I am George?

What do you mean who are you?

Don't be so obtuse, who am I?

What a dump.

The shrink put you up to this?

What do you mean who are you, you're my wife,

the mother of our children, the president of the PTA.

How dense can you get George?

I mean what character am I?

You know in the movies.

Sure, it was Betty Davis,

Betty Davis, some movie from the 40s.

What are you talking about, it was Elizabeth Taylor.

What are you talking about,

she was just a child in the 40s,

it couldn't have been her.

Some black and white film.

That's right, it was black and white

who had Burton and Taylor in it.

She walks into their kitchen late one night and says,

"What a dump."

You've never been too strong on movies,

it was Betty Davis with Bogart I think in the 40s.

Wolf.

You got something stuck in your throat?

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, that's the film.

Don't tell me you've forgotten?

Don't you remember, Burton and Taylor

were named George and Martha, just like us.

I don't think I saw that.

I would have remembered something like that.

You can't have forgotten that.

We discussed it for weeks.

How rotten their marriage was

and how we didn't want to end up like them.

Burton and Taylor?

They've been divorced for ages,

why would we even talk about them?

We don't have anything in common with them anyway.

Not Burton and Taylor, the characters they played,

George and Martha.

Well if I didn't see the movie,

how could I remember the characters?

You gonna change before Kit and Eva get here?

I changed just before you got home.

Is there something wrong with this?

You know I don't like you to wear pants.

Makes you seem like a transvestite.

George, let's not start that again.

It's just that I don't like you to wear men's clothes.

It's so confusing for the boys,

I don't want them getting funny ideas about sex roles.

I'm not the one giving them funny ideas about sex.

That's your department, George.

I said sex roles, not sex.

You know who really wears the pants in the family.

Well who really wears the panties for that matter.

Don't bring that up again, Martha,

I am warning you, don't.

George, you're really too much.

So now you're warning me.

What happens after that?

You give me one last chance?

And then what, you beg me to change?

Or will you get a little physical?

That's a lousy way to start an evening.

And we have company coming.

It's a lousy way to start any evening.

All right, all right, wait a minute.

Yeah?

What can I do for you?

Is this 822 Valhalla Plaza?

Yes it is.

Yeah, not what I expected.

And are you Mr. Dade,

Mr. George Dade?

Is that what you say?

Yes, I'm George Dade,

that's what I'd say.

Now tell me who you are and beat it.

That is a most improper attitude to take

towards a representative of your government, Mr. Dade.

I am Harvey McGraw, enumerator and statistician

for the Bureau of the Census.

Who is it, George?

Census taker.

You see Appleton has been chosen

for an in-depth survey to develop a more informative profile

of families in a typical American suburban community.

Yeah, well we're not interested in an in-depth survey,

we're busy.

I think you misunderstand me, Mr. Dade.

You see you are not doing the choosing.

The computers at the National Census Bureau

have chosen every household in Appleton for analysis.

Says who?

You have no choice in the matter.

Says, section 1401, paragraph three,

sub-section 68.7, it shall be a misdemeanor

punishable by a $500 fine or six months imprisonment,

or both, to refuse to give information

to an employee of the National Census Bureau

when requested in the performance of his duties.

You know your attitude doesn't surprise me, Mr. Dade.

Most of your neighbors

said that you were an uncooperative sort.

All right, enough of that, I get it.

Prepare your clipboard and let's get started.

Well, we may as well have a seat.

You know this is gonna take some time.

This job is so interesting.

I get such intimate views of the interiors

of other peoples home.

Well we've always decorated

in early providential.

Dinners almost ready, George.

Full name of the head of the household?

George Dade, well George Edward Dade.

Occupation?

I the head of accounts receivable,

the phone company.

Now, number of children?

Two, George the third and Robert.

This will go much more quickly and easily

if you would take care to answer the questions

carefully.

What do you mean?

Well if one of your children is the third

then you must be the second, correct?

And I did ask you your full name,

to resume.

Well George Edward the third and Robert Allen.

Please I must ask you not to anticipate,

all right?

Now how many children by a previous marriages?

None.

Martha's age?

29.

Boys, dinner.

All right.

Second page is a questionnaire.

Now your age?

38.

How many illegitimate children?

None to speak of.

Well I see no reason for sarcasm, Mr. Dade.

Children's ages?

12 and 14.

What's up, Mom?

Another encyclopedia salesman?

Have you ever seen such a geek before?

Every time I look at you.

That wasn't necessary, Robert.

Your place of birth?

Well, just outside of �

just outside of, well, San Francisco.

Martha's place of birth?

Seattle, that's in Washington.

How many years of schooling completed?

Well let's see, I was ...

And I worked on my, I got my Master's,

so that's 17.

Your spouse?

16.

All right.

Dinner is served, George,

you'll have to ask your friend to go.

This is official government business,

now if I must I can reschedule for tomorrow night

when we can take the whole evening?

Get him outa here, George.

Yeah, he's spoiling my appetite.

Let's have less of that rudeness, young man.

There's fine for not complying, Martha.

Dinner is cold, he can interview you at the table.

How long have you been married?

I was married right out of high school.

My gosh, I heard you say you were 29, Mom

and if Edward's 14, you must have been 15 when he was born.

Therefore you were still in high school

and not yet married.

I guess this means my brother's a bastard,

just like I had always said.

Better than being adopted.

So one illegitimate child

and one adopted child?

No, both are boys are legitimate

and both are our biological children.

I know you want to spare their tender feelings

but this is official.

There's no need to spare their feelings.

I mean, Martha fudged a bit about her age,

she's 34, not 29.

Listen, I have been empowered

by the government of the United States of America

through legislation enacted

by your duly elected representatives

to collect information needful to the executive

and the legislative branches of that government.

I think not, those representatives

may be duly elected but not by me

since I have not been given the vote

I am not represented.

Whether they can send deputies

to collect their information

rather than have the populous simply answer questionnaires

has been definitively settled by the Supreme Court.

Stick you nose in around here,

you're liable to get it bitten off.

Being questioned

by a combination stool pigeon, flunky

is hardly being under oath.

By the way, how's your civics class, Edward?

I'll pass.

How's your constitution exam, Robert?

No problem, I already bought the answers.

Excuse me.

What excuse could there possibly be for you?

An intellectual discussion is one thing

and rudeness is another.

Now knock it off!

Would you like some more broccoli?

How can we have been so rude?

It's obvious Mr. McGraw here is hungry

since he's already at the table

why don't we just get him a place setting?

Thanks, I don't mind if I do.

George, would you help me get some things in the kitchen?

Excuse us.

You know if you weren't such a panty waste,

he wouldn't be eating our food.

He'd be in some greasy spoon where he belongs.

You like the kitchen, don't ya?

It's your turf so you feel a lot tougher in here, right?

But since you started,

I'd say it's because you exercise

so little discipline with those boys

that you wind up having unwanted guests for dinner

in order to make up for their rudeness.

So discipline is all my job too?

Hah, that makes cooking, raising the kids and sex,

the areas where I supply all the energy.

You know with you as a role model

it's a wonder they have any personality at all.

Your mother would not approve of your antics.

You kicked me.

Your mother will hear of this.

Your mother have any children that lived?

Is this in code

or do you think family's spelled with an E

instead of an I?

Give me that book,

that's government business.

Did you get this job

through a government training program?

I've seen better heads on a pimple.

Even parents like yours

won't approve of your rotten behavior.

Don't get any fat-head ideas.

I saw you squeeze my mother's thigh under the table.

Where do they get their smart mouths?

Heredity counts for something.

Look you're certainly match your mother for mouthiness

and your grandmother too.

I can see a whole unbroken string

of flapping mouths and fat lips

stretching back into pre-history.

I'll let that pass.

Let's call a truce,

see how quickly we can get rid of the pest.

We've got company coming in less than an hour.

Know how you can tell if a leopard has sent you a letter?

By their tongue still stuck to the stamp.

Any history of social disease in your family?

Any history of premature death in yours?

Question number 19, Mr. Dade,

I don't make these up you know.

I mean a panel of experts has devised this list

to trace trends of social and cultural significance.

Provided that you're candid with your answers.

There is no history of social disease

in George's family.

What about you Mom or Edward?

Look, watch your tongue young man

or no dessert for you.

Would you consider yourselves strict disciplinarians?

I know the answer to that one.

Yes, we do.

Do you feel that children, nowadays,

have to much freedom?

Yes. No.

Do you ever disagree on ways to raise your children?

No. Yes.

Do you ever make use

of government sponsored childcare centers?

I don't believe in any government sponsored programs.

Actually there aren't really any in our area.

We're going to the arcade now.

You didn't ask to be excused.

You told us to beat us while the Taggert's were visiting.

No, we said no such thing.

We just thought you'd be bored

with four adults sitting around yakking all night.

Good night, Mom.

Good night boys.

I thought they were going out with John?

There are girls in the car.

This should go a little faster

now that there are fewer distractions.

Do you smoke?

Do you take snuff, chew tobacco?

How much alcohol do you consume in a year?

A few bottles of wine.

Well you can round up to the nearest 10 or 100,

which ever's appropriate.

10.

And what drugs do you use recreationally?

Aspirin, we play mini-Tiddlywinks with them.

This is hardly the time for levity.

Let's not make this any longer than we have to.

How many televisions do you have in the household?

Three.

And how much time do you watch per week?

Six, seven, six, seven hours a night.

Bit more on the weekends, maybe 15.

My my, when did you find time to have children?

We found plenty of time.

Telephones?

Three and an answering machine.

Do you exercise regularly?

Do you meditate or practice yoga?

Are you involved in either private or group therapy?

No.

How much do you estimate you spend on deodorant,

per month?

Nothing?

You do not care about personal hygiene?

I don't care for your impertinent, prying,

insinuating question.

It's in the questionnaire, Mr. Dade.

How regular are your bathroom habits?

Very.

And how much is your house payment?

$713 a month.

How much do you spend on gambling and other vices?

$500 a year.

Antiques and other hedges against--

No sycophant feeding at the public trough

has the right to pry into all the nooks and crannies

of my life prying out details--

Are you members of Lions, Rotary, Elks, Moose,

Kiwanis or similar organization?

Have either of you been previously married?

No, this is number one for both of us.

Number of sexual partners before marriage?

None.

Seven.

What, how many?

You never told me that.

It's for the census.

She's fudging again, I don't know why

but I swear there weren't seven before me, no.

Of course.

Now what about extra-marital affairs?

None to speak of.

Don't be evasive, because

that's certainly

is not what your neighbors say.

What's in that notebook about us?

What I have in here is none of your business, Mr. Dade.

Although I have no doubt that it would certainly undo

a good many marriages

because this little bit of suburbia

should be nicknamed Peyton Place.

Get out of here before I deck you.

Stop it, go back and sit down.

Are you aware that assaulting

a deputized agent of the government

is a federal offense?

Get the phone, dear.

Do you have a criminal record?

Hello.

Dad, Dad?

Sorry, can't hear you to well

all the games and the kids.

Just wanted to let you know

we're gonna be a little late.

They extended the arcade hours to 1:00 AM.

What?

What?

I can't hear you, Dad, with all this noise,

we'll talk tomorrow.

Wait a second.

I just remembered something.

You know that telescope you bought Robert

for his birthday?

Your house, is no more than 1,600 square feet,

your lot can't be an acre and a quarter.

Don't you tell me what our lot can or can't be,

we bought a double lot

so we wouldn't have to hear our neighbors.

Or vice versa.

Well I was using it to do some investigation

and I saw the census taker with Mrs. Thompson.

I don't think you understand,

they were naked in her kitchen

doing unspeakable things.

You know, like bucking mare

and the Exorcist, 96,

weird stuff.

I still can't see how you can get four bedrooms

and three baths in that square footage.

I brought my tape measure,

so I'll just check for myself,

after all a woman who would lie about her age

is capable of any deception.

Chocolate syrup, what did he do with that?

A Labrador retriever?

12 by 13.6.

This is an outrageous invasion of my privacy.

Get out of our bedroom!

I'm sure I'm not the first man

to invade your privacy, Mrs. Dade.

I guess your husband doesn't mind a little dirt?

Just thought you might want to know.

Okay, bye bye.

That filthy pervert is in our bedroom with my wife.

Hello.

Aspirin, cough drops, ear-drops, eye drops,

nose drops, nasal inhaler, asthma aspirator.

Where do you keep your drugs?

We don't use drugs.

Ha, let me ask you another thing,

how many more children do you plan to have?

That's none of your business.

Now I hope it won't be necessary

to bring charges against you, Mrs. Dade.

One other thing, how often do you use marital aids?

You dog molester.

George, George, you stop it.

You're gonna get us put in jail.

I'll just put down frequently.

As a matter of fact

I think I'll pop on back downstairs.

What is for dessert anyway?

Are you all right?

Did he hurt you?

Who was that on the phone?

The Taggert's, they're gonna be a bit late for dessert.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yes.

Martha?

Did I hear you say that the Taggerts were coming?

Man I know a few stories about them.

Back to this.

How often do you engage in unorthodox sexual practices?

Look, man can only be pushed so far.

What's the question, unorthodox social practices?

Unorthodox sexual practices.

I suppose it depends on what you mean by unorthodox?

You know like 96 or the Exorcist,

bucking mare?

Sorry that you can't complete your survey

but I guess you'll be on your way.

How many firearms in your household?

I mean any pistols besides that pellet gun,

you know bows, or crossbows or automatic weapons?

Get out that door--

George!

Before I put some daylight through you.

Will you calm down, don't do anything you'll regret.

Just get rid of him.

How frequently do you practice with your weapon?

I mean you've never used that have you?

Please, please get out of my house?

Please?

George, just put the gun down

before somebody gets hurt.

I actually shot a man.

I didn't think I had that in me,

you dirty rat, your dirty rat.

Before you get to macho on me

I think you ought to know he's dead.

He's what?

He's not faking it just to scare us.

Hey, he's holding his breath just to scare us,

I know it.

Hey!

One pellet can't kill a person.

This is performance personality trying to make us crazy.

I can't believe he did that to us.

George will you stop it.

Now listen, just stop it.

Just wake up you!

Stop it, we have a problem to deal with.

Wake up!

Stop it!

Thanks, I needed that.

Come on, let's get him up on the counter.

Come on, help me.

How soon do you think Pete and Eva will get here.?

In about 20 minutes.

How much would you say he weighs?

I don't know, about 160, I don't know.

Will you stop staring!

Why did I hit his head?

Why did I?

Two pounds took about 40 seconds,

divided by 2, that's 20 seconds a pound

times 160, that's 3,200,

it would take too long.

Why didn't we upgrade our disposal?

I knew we should have gotten that restaurant model.

What are you crazy?

Let's just tell the police that, that--

That some innocent census taker

came to our house asking too many questions

so you shot him?

Look, I got an idea.

Agh!

Look, I pull him right here on the ground see.

He was furious, he smashed the window,

he tried to break in, I heard the noise,

it alerted me, I grabbed the gun, I shot him

and he fell to the ground--

You're babbling, George.

We don't have time for hysteria.

I didn't need that one.

Your idea won't work,

the glass fell on the outside.

It looks like he was trying to get out.

First of all we'd have to fix that,

then we'd have to get all the details correct

and plant all the clues

so it would look believable.

How many clues do we need to make it believable anyway?

You need a lot of backup details, George,

for verisimilitude.

What?

Why did you have to kill him?

How much more are you gonna screw up my life?

Don't blame this one on me, Martha.

Why did you grab the gun

just when I was persuading that creep to leave?

Rape!

Hold it, he's dead already.

He can't rape you, he's not even trying.

Not now, earlier in the bedroom.

But I fought him, I ripped open his shirt,

I scratched his face.

But you were out buying stuff for the party.

He started to chase me downstairs,

he wanted me to strip.

You came home, you saw what was happening

and you drilled him with the pellet gun.

That must of been terrible for ya.

He deserved it, shooting was too good for him.

Wait a second, I didn't go out to the store.

An alibi, that's worse than my idea

that kind of alibi.

No corroborating witness at the store.

If the police are still here when the kids get back

they'll question them.

There won't be any chance to get them to lie for us.

Besides we don't have anything to bribe 'em with.

All right, now the Taggerts will be here any minute,

let's just hide the evidence that he's been here at all.

Right, you put the body in the closet

and then after they leave will figure out what to do.

All right, all right.

Wait a minute, the gun, the gun, the gun.

You missed this.

He had the goods on half the people in this town.

This must be worth a fortune.

No give me this.

Look wipe down everything he might have touched

to get rid of his fingerprints okay?

Martha?

Martha?

Martha?

Come on down and help me put our boy in the freezer--

It's too late.

Better let them in.

Hi, come on in.

Hi, how are ya?

Come in, looking good.

I was worried about you.

Looking good.

Hello my dear.

You look fantastic.

You both look so great tonight.

Come on in, come in, come in.

I can't believe it,

you won't believe what I did.

I bought so much junk--

Hey, Pete, Pete I understand you're in the market.

You want to buy a car is that right?

Must have been fighting just before we got here.

I can tell you about some good deals--

Really I don't know why after all--

you can get down at the Chevy dealer downtown.

I'm getting a headache.

No wonder.

I love that outfit, it's great.

I don't know what we'd do tonight,

I thought maybe we could play bridge

or do you want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Anyway it's just fun to see you guys

and you both look fantastic, really.

I think I better see what Pete wants in the kitchen.

What do you want in here?

I don't want anything in there.

I just want something to drink.

To drink, yeah.

You know, the wet stuff people offer their guests.

Yeah there, right over there.

No go ahead it's right over there

you can help yourself, go ahead.

Thanks, don't mind if I do.

Pete, you really should come to my aerobics class.

Keep you from getting so flabby.

I'm not flabby

it's just a shift in weight distribution

that comes when we leave adolescence.

Please, Pete,

if you think you've just left adolescence

then you've had the longest one in history, dear.

Eva, don't be so picky.

Besides I think you made the best choice.

Of course older men are more stable

and considerate.

Much more grateful,

not to mention they make more money too.

Right.

Well, thank you you two

for making me feel so good.

Can't you take a joke.

You're as sensitive about your age

as Granny was.

Who's Granny?

Ours, mine and Martha's.

Didn't you ever tell them about Granny, Martha?

No.

When I was only 10, Martha of course was a bit older,

our great grandmother lived with us.

She was in her 80s,

but she claimed she was a girl in her 20s.

We blamed that on her being senile.

She used to take Martha and I out roller skating.

Martha used to think it was funny

to watch her get involved with something

that was too athletic for her.

You know I don't understand

why you never mentioned your great grandmother to me?

Why?

I don't like to talk about her.

What's this, come on Martha,

you don't like Eva talking about it,

you tell us.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, let Eva tell us,

we'll get the truth then.

You know I hope the electric blanket is working, George,

because that's the only warmth

you're gonna find in my bed tonight.

No, what a threat.

One day Granny decided that she wanted to take us

to the amusement park.

She bought us hot dogs, Granny couldn't eat hot dogs,

she couldn't chew because she didn't have teeth.

So she sort of had to gum her's to death.

It was Martha's job to see that Granny didn't buy foods

that she couldn't chew.

It was not my job, Eva, it was your job too.

Then Granny decided that she wanted

to go on the roller coaster.

Well the park attendant told her that she couldn't

because it was against some park policy

and that she was too old.

Well Granny starts hollering,

"20 isn't too old to ride the roller coaster."

And Martha and I really helped things along--

Look Eva, that's enough.

Now I mean it, stop it.

But we're right at the end of the story, Martha.

So anyway, we're going up the big hill

and Granny's still hollering and cursing out the attendant

and Martha got fed up and she said,

"Eat your hot dog, Granny."

So just as we took the big drop

Granny took a bite of her hot dog

and as we raced around the big dipper

Granny choked to death.

Poor dear Martha still hasn't gotten over

her feelings of guilt.

You've been living with it all these years?

Eva, do that again,

Eva that was great.

That was the best story you've ever told.

Look at their faces.

I love it, that was great.

I know, look at these fools.

Funny.

Ewh, what's in this?

We tried out some new kind of canned drink.

It must be a bad batch.

George, would you get a fresh batch.

You know, Georgie, drinking from the bottle

is one of the 10 symptoms of an alkie.

No time for a glass.

What do you need?

I need a mint or something

to get rid of this funny taste that I have in my mouth.

Funny taste in your mouth.

That's because it only tastes funny

from the inside.

My Georgie Porgy, sweetie poo pie.

You better be careful,

you never know what's going to pop up next.

You better stop.

You better stop.

Right away.

They're gonna come back.

No thanks, no more cookies.

You know, I broke a big case today,

down in homicide.

Couple about your ages

killed a guy visiting their home.

Tried to hide all the clues.

You know, Pete is so good at these cases.

One of the most intriguing points

was the complete absence of fingerprints.

Only way that happens is if someone

goes around wiping them all off.

He sees the whole situation in his head.

The most trivial of things become part of the pattern.

Things out of place just a little.

Furniture arranged differently.

Anyway as the picture came clear

they tried to explain the body

with a feeble excuse about a burglar.

So simple minded.

Glass was broken from the inside,

you know, it was like the guy was trying to get out,

instead of get in.

I know, I know.

My Pete was so clever.

He found parts of the guy's ID in the fireplace

where they had tried to burn them.

They had frozen the body in their home freezer

and dumped it at sea.

Unfortunately it floated back to the shore,

like an ice cube would in a drink.

Let's have dessert.

George, why don't you get the caramel sauce

and I'll serve the cake, okay?

Yeah.

d Where is my baby

d What is she doing there

d Where is she

d I'm lonely I'm lonely

d I'm lonely

d Where is she

d I'm lonely

d I'm lonely d

One of your famous specialties tonight?

Sure, my specialty, caramel flamb�e.

Well, I made the cake

but George is in charge of the sauce.

A little brandy.

Martha, are you expecting someone else?

Or has someone already been here?

George?

What?

Yeah, yeah.

Touch of familiar.

Piece de r�sistance

Baby, you can light my fire anytime.

Baby sisters should obscene, not heard.

It's stuck.

It should be all right now.

And Eva, a little bit for you.

Here you go.

Merci.

Peter,

and Martha

some for you my dear, for your petite mouth.

Tastes great.

It is a bit thick.

We got the recipe from our microwave cooking class.

Maybe

try a little coffee,

maybe it'll dissolve the caramel.

That works better.

George, if you find anything that helps,

kill,

kill the Oxalis in your lawn?

No, no.

So, Sergeant Muldoon

took this rookie, just a kid,

out on his first patrol, ha ha.

So, I don't get it, what?

Makes me laugh every time I think of that kid,

he was so green.

He thought you stripped searched men as well as women.

Any way, Muldoon and the kid are driving down Alameda

he showing him the spots where they usually find trouble.

And he's pointing out which of the guys

are the real pushers, pimps,

which are the cops working under cover.

Kids all excited cause now it hits him,

he's really a policeman.

We don't need all the detail, darling,

you're not writing a novel.

Yeah, well I just might.

Saw Wambaugh on a TV talk show,

I got plenty more years on the force than he had.

I got so many great stories I'll have to throw away

the ones that are better than he's ever written.

Course Wambaugh's great at filling details

of police work, adds verisimilitude to his writing.

Cut the crap, Pete.

You wouldn't know versatility if it hit you in the face.

Show you what you know, I didn't say versatility,

I said verisimilitude.

Means simulating reality,

adding livability.

I should never have got this man

30 Days to Greater Word Power.

I didn't need a book

to know the meaning of verisimilitude.

A word you've obviously never heard of.

Well what happened with McGraw?

McGraw?

Is that the phone, did you hear the phone?

Phone, I didn't hear anything.

What happened to Sergeant McGraw?

No, Muldoon.

Sergeant Muldoon.

So he and the kid are driving down the street,

they pull up next to the bus stop.

Muldoon pulls a shotgun from beneath the seat,

let's loose with both barrels

at the crowd waiting for the bus.

Three, four people immediately drop, spurting blood,

then they're trampled to death

by the rest of the people trying to get out of the way.

Muldoon slams his foot down on the gas,

car peals away from the intersection,

kid can't believe his eyes.

Pukes out the window as they're flying down the street.

Muldoon's steering from the passenger side,

just laughing, laughing, ha, ha, ha.

The kid is done puking, he looks at Muldoon and says,

"You just killed a bunch of innocent people."

Muldoon looks him in the eye and says,

"In this city, no one's innocent."

Ha, ha, ha.

It was the verisimilitude that did it.

What are you talking about?

It was the shotgun.

No it was the Sergeant.

No, no, no, it's over population,

it's crowding the city, breakdown of the family unit.

You all got sucked in, it was just a joke, God.

And you think that's funny?

A joke?

You swallowed it,

hook, line and sinker.

You mean, McGraw never really did shoot anyone?

Of course not, police don't shoot innocent people.

No one shot anyone.

Martha] You know I've never understood

men's sense of humor, I mean it's so violent.

You know you really had me fooled,

you're versatility is absolutely amazing.

What was that?

I didn't mean to offend you--

I said you really had me snookered--

I support the police, I really do.

What noise, I didn't hear anything.

No, no, that noise.

What noise?

I didn't hear anything.

It sounded like it came from your kitchen.

Maybe a burglar.

Honey, my gun.

No, you don't have to check it out.

That noise.

Well, I think I should check it out.

Pete, look why don't you just stay right there.

Probably something just fell over in the closet.

I should check it out,

better safe than sorry.

We'll all feel safer

if you leave your gun in your holster, dear.

No point going off half-cocked.

Yes, dear.

George, will you help me get some more drinks?

Nobody's gonna rob a kitchen.

Son of a-aghh!

What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do?

Wait a minute, I know,

put him in these garbage bags, okay?

We have this blood dripping all over my linoleum.

Forget about the linoleum, we'll get new linoleum.

Try to concentrate on the problem at hand.

Just hurry up with Muldoon.

It's not Muldoon, this is McGraw.

You almost gave everything away out there.

I almost gave everything away?

You were jumping out of your chair every 30 seconds.

How we gonna explain this body?

I mean someone's eventually gonna discover him.

I think we're okay.

Pete came up with a perfect alibi.

What you do, get your gun, shoot him again

and we'll tell Pete it was a burglar.

That's not gonna work.

That's no good, they'll do an autopsy,

the time of death won't be right.

Not to mention that Pete and Eva,

they'll have heard only one shot

and the ballistics will show that two were fired.

Well what are we gonna do,

how are we gonna get rid of him?

I know some people who'll take care of it for us,

you know what I mean?

Come on, come on.

All right.

What?

Look at your shirt.

What was that pounding in there?

Just keep your nose out of their business, Eva.

They want to hide something from us, let 'em.

Well, if you ask me,

George has been acting mighty peculiar this evening.

If I were you dear, I'd go in there.

I'm a cop, if I see something,

course I can just turn my back on some things,

but if I don't know about them.

Are you trying to tell me

you'd bust your best friend, my sister?

I'm trying to tell you,

I don't want to bust them,

so keep your nose out of their business.

Hah, ha, woo.

Did you cut yourself, George?

Yeah, I spilled that darned drink mix all over myself.

No that pounding noise you heard,

that was me just tripping, falling down

and all that stuff.

Better go upstairs and change, I think.

George has been under a great deal of pressure

lately at the office.

I know what you mean,

they've been frantic down at homicide lately.

So he decided to go to an analyst to get some help.

Turned out the analyst didn't like him

and that made him even more depressed

than before he went.

Maybe we shouldn't talk about George

unless he's here to defend himself.

Then he decided to go to a West Training seminar.

Did he get it?

If the It they were talking about

was a mild kidney infection

which led to an inflamed prostate.

Say no more, I know what that's like.

Pete had the same problem.

Dr. Goldfinger's a wonderful proctologist,

had my Pete back to full-pressure in no time at all.

God damn spot, agh.

Hello, Louie?

It's great to hear your voice.

No, no, no, I don't want to order any pizza.

Listen Louie, I need a favor.

I know you make Sicilian pizza,

is your family from Sicily?

Now, don't fly off the handle,

look I got a little problem at my place

and I thought you might know somebody

who could take care of it for me.

No, no, no, I don't expect you

to leave your pizza parlor on a busy night,

I just thought maybe you could give me a phone number,

you know?

Somebody from, our thing.

I said, "Our thing.".

Yeah, just give me the number, what is it?

Yeah, okay, thanks, thanks a lot, Louie.

Yeah, listen, hey if I need a favor,

listen I'll tell you what,

I'll have you cater our anniversary party, okay?

Okay, yeah, okay, bye bye.

An answering machine, what?

Hi, my name is, well my name isn't important,

it's just, I've got this problem.

I've got something I need to get rid of,

discreetly.

Little Louie gave me you number--

Listen this is George Dade,

and it's Thursday night about 9:45

and my number is 555-5423,

please call me back as soon as possible.

It's an emergency.

And the kids have been so difficult lately.

All those hormones surging around their body

with no place to go.

Exactly, only George's problem is just the opposite.

It's a good thing our insurance covered everything.

Ha, Mr. Flab just got his new benefit package.

Now we have free medical, free dental,

free eye check-ups.

Not to mention,

new quarter-million dollar life insurance policy.

Pete told me about it before.

Well, George's company wouldn't go that high

so we decided to up his to 175 though,

we figured that would cover the mortgage

and give me income for a year or two.

Do it give George the creeps

to be worth more dead than alive?

No, George has had life insurance

since he went to college.

He's always been worth more dead.

Need a back up, Car 80?

Negative, our 2-11 turned out to be

some kids playing around the ready-cash machines.

I'm taking them home.

You're gonna be late

for the doughnut-hole special at Winchell's.

10-4.

I don't think he's gonna bust us.

Boys, we're gonna have a little talk.

Get off the line Martha, it's for me.

Thanks for calling me back so quickly.

Was that your wife?

Yes, that was my wife on the line.

So, how are you doing?

No, no, it's not my wife I'm trying to get rid of.

Well, she usually doesn't answer the phone

when I'm waiting for a call.

You sure?

She won't do it again.

Yes, I'm sure I don't want to get of her.

We've got a special on wives.

What do you mean you've got a special on wives?

A little business joke.

Yes, very funny.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to waste your time.

Yes I know your time is valuable,

very valuable.

It's just that it's hard to say.

There's this body in my closet

I have to get rid of.

Who's body?

A body in my closet.

Of course he's, I mean he's dead.

You don't think I'd keep a live guy in the closet.

You can take care of it, great!

When?

Yeah, he's ready for shipment, yeah.

How much will it be?

How much?

How, much?

You heard me.

I haven't got that kind of cash on me.

Can you take a check?

Are you crazy?

No checks.

No I don't have an account with you, no.

I need your social security number.

Why do you need my social security number?

Well, how fast can you run a credit check?

Okay, okay,

it's 570-26-5059.

Listen don't worry about how late it is,

call me back when it's clear okay?

Yeah.

Probably funny about that phone call,

it was a reporter from the Times.

I'm sorry it wasn't a reporter,

it was a silly mistake.

I mean why would a reporter be calling here.

I mean it's not like anything has happened here

that the newspapers would want.

God.

You're babbling, George.

Yeah, well they want me to subscribe to the Times.

You know they deliver to your doorstep

for just pennies a day.

I mean over a million-and-a-half satisfied families

read the Times every day.

You expect us to believe that, George?

But they call on every body about that.

No, I mean that crap about a million-and-a-half families

reading the Times.

Figure three or four people per family,

that means about five or six million people

are reading the same newspaper everyday

and the county only has a population of seven million.

I figure they inflate their figures

just like every other sales person.

Pete, you're not quite up to date,

the average family is now 3.2 persons

and the Times is circulated in three counties

with a total population of over 10 million.

That was according to the previous census

and of course that will increase

after the current numerations are added in.

Martha, you sound just like that census taker

that was at our home last week.

He was an obnoxious pig.

We were just sitting down to dinner when he got there.

He kept asking question after question,

dinner was getting cold.

We had to ask him to keep interviewing us

just so we could eat our dinner.

He asked impertinent questions.

Darling, it wasn't just the questions,

he gossiped about every one we knew

and then he counted our bedrooms

and bathrooms.

I found him going through our medicine cabinet.

If I did what he did without a warrant

I'd be off the force.

Well, I think he took some of my underwear.

At least some were missing.

Pete, you've been stealing Eva's panties?

Well, I guess that's more common that one would think.

Well if it is a problem, George knows an analyst

who's familiar with it.

You know I had this guy checked out.

Census takers really do have intrusive powers.

Eva called the guy's boss, tried to get him fired,

found out he filed a complaint against us.

The gall of this guy,

our sex life is certainly none of the governments business.

I'd have a right to threaten him.

Darling, perhaps you took it a bit too far

when you pulled your gun?

You pulled your gun on him?

He was almost Harvey McGraw.

Are you all right, George?

Just take it easy, George.

Try and relax.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

Just stand him up so I don't break my nails.

George, will you help him?

Do something!

I think you killed him, Eva.

Probably crushed his rib cage,

punctured his heart.

I knew you shouldn't have taken that first aid class.

He's not breathing,

will you help him?

Do something!

George, George!

Every one just calm down.

His heart is beating,

I'll give him CPR.

George, please don't die,

He's gonna die.

I just know it, he's gonna die.

George, he's gonna die, I just know it,

he's gonna die.

Please, Pete, can't you do something with Martha?

George, please don't die on me.

Please, I don't want you to die.

Will you do something,

I mean you've got to help him.

I just know it, he's gonna die.

George, please don't die.

George, please, no leave me alone.

George, don't die, please.

He's gonna be all right.

George, please don't die, George.

George, please don't die George?

George, please.

Stop it, George.

I'm all right now.

George.

You put so much muscle into it

I'm gonna hurt for a month.

I'm glad you're all right, George.

What made you choke like that?

I had the feeling it was something I said.

Well, it was only because

the same thing had happened to us.

What same thing?

You know, the census taker

coming to your house,

invading your privacy, butting into your family life.

Gossiping about your neighbors

until you got so angry you pulled out your revolver

and threw him out.

Well the same thing happened at our house

only George doesn't have a revolver.

And so he had to get Edward's pellet gun.

Martha don't, please don't, Martha.

And then he shot him!

Martha!

What?

Martha.

George.

The bodies in the kitchen right now.

You killed him?

Now Pete, I'm sure you can understand how it happened.

I mean the same thing happened to you.

Pete, darling, don't you think we could?

No.

No,

you girls aren't gonna catch me twice in one evening.

No.

Nice try.

Yeah, that was a good one, Martha.

All of you stay right where you are.

While I investigate the alleged slaying.

If I don't go to the bathroom

I'm just gonna pop.

I can't take this stress anymore.

I'm smart, I must be able to come up

with some alibi that's air tight.

If I can't I'll ask for a joint trial.

We'll get the ACLU to defend us on the grounds

that we were forced into the crime

because of unfair intrusion into our privacy

by government bureaucracy.

Maybe we can pin the whole thing on Pete?

Nah, that wouldn't be fair to Eva.

Then again it would serve him right

for being to chicken to tell Eva about us.

We could end up in prison.

Life without parole.

I better stick with our original plan.

Eva?

You know, it's amazing to me

you'd want to accent your mouth, it's too big as it is.

Why the hell'd you have to spill your guts to Pete?

You know these cops are barely human, Martha.

He's not gonna think twice about arresting us.

And we'll both be arrested,

but I'm the one who'll pay the penalty

because women are hardly ever convicted for murder.

But me, I'll get the chair, they'll fry me.

You'll get seven years with parole.

You'll be back on the streets in 3 1/2,

just in time to see my last appeal denied.

Don't be so melodramatic, George.

Our state doesn't even have the death penalty.

Don't worry you won't fry.

You know, I never knew you were such a baby.

I mean to hear you talk

no one had ever been a difficult situation before.

This strikes me as more than just a difficult situation.

You act as if this were a broken fingernail.

Why did you spill the beans to Pete?

It's not like you to lose control like that, Martha.

You know I think you're glad I'm going up the river.

What is all this?

Spill the beans, fry, up the river,

you sound like a bad Cagney movie.

I got twelve years on the force

with an unblemished record.

Except for the marijuana

that you took from the evidence vault, dear.

Practically an unblemished record.

I could take half-pay retirement in three years.

Honey while we're still young enough to enjoy it.

So that's what this boils down too, the bucks.

How much retirement pay are you willing to risk

for Martha and George?

I'm supposed to uphold the laws

not bend them to my own advantage.

Supposed to stand by your friends,

supposed to be loyal to your buddies.

Well, that's what they taught me in the Girl Scouts.

No, that's what they told us in the Marines.

Course I haven't seen any of those guys in 15 years.

What kinda loyalty is that?

It's my retirement, my career,

my reputation.

It's my duty.

I'm gonna have to arrest him.

Pete, I cannot believe you're going to do this.

Listen to me, tell the papers,

tell them that he shot a burglar

in the act of breaking and entering.

Make him a hero.

If you wanted to get rid of me so badly

why didn't you just ask for a divorce?

It's so much simpler.

Don't add paranoia to your other charms--

Cut the sarcasm, Martha.

Now, cut it.

I'm not gonna take this fall,

you're going down with me, accessory to murder.

I'll tell them about your gambling debts.

Gambling debts?

Yeah.

You mean the $14 that I owe at the bridge club?

It shows your true moral character.

By the time I'm done with you

they will throw away the key.

Look we don't have any thing to worry about.

We can count on Pete to help us cover it up.

Pete's not gonna risk his career

and a stretch in the slammer for me.

I know we can count on him.

How do you know that?

Call it women's intuition.

Trust me.

Women's intuition.

So that's how it is, is it?

Look, lets rejoin them all right,

before he wonders what you've done with me.

Wait a minute, they can wait just a bit longer.

I want to know what's going on between Pete and you?

Then make sure that you're assigned to the investigation

so that you can clean up anything that might arise.

If some over zealous homicide detective

should start poking around.

It's simple dear.

Honey, don't you think this is carrying family

a bit far?

Why do you want to protect George so badly?

Please, Pete, don't be more of a fool

than you actually have to be.

There's nothing to be jealous of,

it's just that I don't want to lose my sister

and if George were in prison

I'd miss him terribly.

Come on, Pete, you know we all would.

Yeah, yeah I know.

Peter,

Petey, hey.

Come here you.

I can't thank you enough pal.

I can't thank you enough.

Hey, you know what makes America great?

Stickin' up for your pals, that's what makes it great.

You know what, I'm gonna owe you for the rest of my life,

you know that, don't you?

Now, you need anything all you have to do is ask.

You can't make your son's tuition payment for college

I will be there, pal.

He's only 10.

Your in laws come for an unexpected visit,

you put 'em up at my place.

Our parents are dead.

Well, it's the principle of the thing.

You get hit or shot by some crazy addict

so you're paralyzed for the rest of your life

you can count on me to take care of your family for you.

George.

What?

You want to know what made America great?

What?

Faithfulness to duty.

That sounds like something Mussolini once said.

What is duty?

The obligation of the citizen to obey the law.

Hey, enough of that already, okay?

Peter, hey, what's the plan?

George, I think the best thing you possibly do

is give yourself up.

Pete, really, don't be such a pompous ass.

Hey, Eva said you were gonna help me?

She did, did she?

Eva said what?

Hey, let's not get side-tracked.

That body's not getting any warmer, Peter.

Look, you gonna help me?

At least do me this favor,

keep what you know to yourself.

Wait a minute, why did Eva promise

that I'd help you, what's going on between you two?

Nothing, now listen--

Pete, he's our brother-in-law.

He's your best friend.

Pete, now listen to me,

my friends, my other friends will take care of the body,

just keep your mouth shut!

What other friends, you don't have any other friends?

Just my wife!

Pete, get off it.

Just keep your mouth shut, all right?

I can have whatever friends I choose.

I think you've been way too friendly.

Look Pete, I just got some eclairs, they're fantastic.

I'm telling you all,

George is going down to the police station.

Jesus, Martha, I'm sorry about this whole mess.

I'll do what I can to keep you out of trouble.

You're gonna do what you can for her?

You're gonna make sure I'm doing time

so you can keep up your affair with my wife, right?

George, don't be silly,

there's no more going on between me and Pete

than there is between you and Eva.

Less.

You filth.

You're slime.

Watch your mouth.

How long you been carrying on behind my back?

You're liable to find a full of knuckles pal

that's what.

Stop it, you're both acting like children.

Don't protect him, Martha.

Little sneak probably needs mommy's help.

Sneak, I'm not the one with a body in my kitchen.

But surely you can understand, dear.

It would have just ruined the whole evening.

Will you just quit defending this pervert!

Don't call me a pervert, pansy!

You know I just hope it's not too embarrassing

down at the police station

when they strip search you.

Other prisoners are kinda rough on guys

wearing women's underclothes.

Only Martha could have told you that.

Stop it, he was gonna tell you any day.

Hold it right there, slime-ball.

All right, now very, very slowly

reach in your pocket and get the key.

Go ahead, make my night.

Getting in deeper and deeper, George.

Now you're resisting arrest

and assaulting an officer.

Gee, they'll give me more on my life sentence?

Add some years.

Just easy with that thing, all right.

It's got a hair-trigger.

All the more reason you should be very, very careful

not to upset me.

My nerves are shot,

it's very unsettling to kill a man

and then in the same evening

find out your wife has been unfaithful.

Don't do this, George.

You can't get away with this George.

No, but a cop could.

Let me set the scenario for you, okay?

You and Eva come over for a visit for dessert,

you hear a noise in the kitchen so you go to investigate

and you find an apparent burglar

and you fire a warning shot in the air

and the burglar falls to earth,

you know not where.

Pistols don't fire pellets.

I know that.

But I'm sure you can think of something.

Well, what if he doesn't, George?

I don't want to think about such unpleasant possibilities.

I can see the headlines now,

Husband runs amok, kills wife's lover

and innocent census taker.

They can't give me more than one life sentence, Pete.

George, put the gun down.

George, look we'll sit down over a cup of coffee,

figure the best way for us to work this thing out.

I'LL make some phone calls.

Honey, we'll get the name of that lawyer,

the one that gets all the crazies off.

What do you mean crazies?

He doesn't mean anything by it, George.

Now don't get paranoid.

What are you going to do?

Agh!

I didn't think you'd do it.

Now take it easy, Pete.

We'll call the paramedics right away.

Do you hurt much?

I can't feel a thing.

Must be shock, yeah.

No,

looks like it got me in the heart.

No the pain's all right.

I can feel it now.

Yeah, it feels like a red-hot ice picks

sticking into my lung.

Gosh.

Ahgh!.

Hey, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Agh!

This is it.

Goodbye all you, I loved you all.

My God.

My God, he's dead.

Eva, let me get her out of here.

Come on Eva, don't look, come on.

Come on Eva, come with me right now.

Come on.

Come upstairs.

You're awful messy, pal.

Don't want you to have a mess all over the place,

now do we?

Boy, lucky we got everything treated with Scotchgard,

isn't it?

I've dealt with kids like you before.

Computer whizzes.

More brains than sense.

Basically you're good kids.

Look save your talent for the classroom.

Just think of the look on your folks faces

when you're brought home in a police car.

Course I could drop you off

on a corner someplace near your home,

if you left that little computer with me.

And showed me how it works?

I never dreamed what it would be like

to watch my husband die.

He is dead, isn't he?

He's really dead.

He kept thrashing around.

I remember when my kitten died,

it was so peaceful.

It's all over now.

Pete, old buddy.

Look you gotta forgive me, you know?

You shouldn't let the girls come between us, you know.

Maybe I should have stayed in the Marines, you know.

Faithful, loyal, true, generous, clean.

I'm sorry Peter, I'm sorry for the guy in the kitchen

and I'm sorry for Eva.

I'm sorry for Martha, even sorry for my part in this.

I'm even more sorry for me.

He always was an incompetent,

he wasn't much of a husband.

And with his schedule,

well he didn't have time to be much of a father either.

And as a lover, took him longer to die

than it did to make love to me.

He couldn't even die right.

Seems like you led a good life, you know.

At least not a bad life.

I mean I made sure Martha never found out about Eva.

Hey, hey, hey,

hey are you still in there, are you?

Really gone?

Can you here me?

Hey Pete,

Pete.

Can you see the future now, pal?

what are my kids gonna think of me?

What are they gonna think?

What about the neighbors, what are they gonna think?

And my boss, nah, who cares what the hell he thinks.

Probably wouldn't even hold my job for me

while I'm in prison.

Not a good boss anyway.

I have a prison boss.

Can I learn to adjust to life in the slammer?

I remember that movie, Midnight Express,

I wonder if I can learn to be homosexual?

God.

Will I find a meaningful relationship?

I wonder what happens

when Martha comes for a conjugal visit?

What happens then,

which one would I be being unfaithful to?

Pete, it's your fault, Pete, it's your fault!

Do you know that?

Why didn't you kill that census taker

when he was at your house?

Why'd you have to let him lose in the streets

where I could find him?

Why?

Pete.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Eva and I have been talking, George.

Martha's going to be all alone

when you're in jail

and she's going to be broke

because of your legal services.

What?

And the worst thing

is she's going to have to sell the house

and move into an apartment.

Preferably in another city.

I don't want the boys to suffer

the stigma of having a convict father.

Of course our affair will come out

when it comes to trial

as a murder of passion.

You see, you weren't as discreet as you thought, George.

I've had calls from friends who've seen you together

at roadside diners, motels,

even the Kiwanis Club Social.

The Kiwanis Club social?

Do you mean you knew, you knew all along?

And never said a word?

People in glass houses.

Anyway, it's time that we really thought

about the children, George.

Besides Eva is sure to be prosecuted as your accomplice.

What, she had nothing to do with it?

Try telling that to a prosecuting attorney.

We've made a very difficult,

but necessary decision.

And I'm hoping that you'll help us.

Of course, of course,

but do what?

Triple suicide,

you see with all of us out of the way

the kids will get all the insurance money.

And you know the courts are very good

about setting up trust funds

and they'll take care of all the expenses

and they'll make sure that they go to the best colleges.

Why should the children suffer, George?

Please?

All you have to do George

is pull the trigger.

Men are so much braver about these things than women.

Don't make me suffer anymore.

I can't do it.

Do it for the children George.

I can't do it, I just can't.

I can't, do you realize what you're asking me to do?

To kill the two women I love?

I've already killed two men tonight,

I can't do it, I just can't.

My soul is too stained already.

Look if you want to do that

you do it yourselves, I can't, I can't,

I cannot do something like that, I really can't.

For a moment there

I thought he was going to shoot you.

You know, I think this taught me a little humility.

Rat had more guts than I thought.

Okay, it'll be sorta like Georgie said,

homosexual phone executive

kills lover, then innocent census taker.

Let's sell both places,

mine and yours.

I figure we can set up anywhere we please.

Let's move closer to where Pete's parents live

that way we can just dump the kids off.

Ready?

If you are.