Original subtitles

[ Bell dings ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Why aren't you guys in costume?

Uh, because we're having a secret sit-down

in a public place, maybe?

I thought we were going for intimidating villainy,

so I got all...

All right. I'll go change.

Oh, I ordered the stuffed peppers, so save me one.

She didn't exist until she was 25.

Her name... Teresa Didae.

Her friends would call her Terri if she had any.

Let's just say that Teresa has too many dark secrets

to have friends to call her Terri.

It's because she killed her husbands, isn't it?

All of them.

She walks into their life as Miss Perfect,

treats them like gods.

Then she gets a ring, and they get a closed-coffin funeral.

That's fine. Now go back to the "treats them like gods" part.

She's mastered the art of seduction...

finds a rich man and gives him the works.

Oh! What's "the works"? Specifically.

Like, uh, say no orifice is off limits?

Or are we on different pages here?

Different pages here. I'm on the obituaries.

You're on, like, the Penthouse Forum.

So, you found me the perfect black widow.

Well, I just need her Web address so I can, uh...

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

My God, "Web address," and she's a black widow. You get it?

There's nothing to get but killed.

She'll love you and leave you... dead.

I hope you can stop her.

What? [ Chuckles ]

I'm not gonna stop her.

I'm gonna ask her out.

Hmm. That's interesting.

Where're all the bad guys at?

I can't see any. Can someone point out the supervillains?

Blind Rage. Please have a seat.

Don't. I see perfectly.

With my radar, I know where the big guy is seated,

how much wine is in that glass,

and that your breasts are spilling from your brassiere.

Is it your monthlies? Oh, I'm just kidding.

I'd be able to smell it if you were.

Heightened senses.

So, how's the Council of, uh... what is it? Five?

Guild Council is doing fine, thank you.

Let's stop pretending we like each other

and just get this over with.

Fine. The Peril Partnership had a little deal with the Wale,

and we haven't been seeing any of our kickbacks.

So we are not happy.

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: Your deal with Wide Wale is not a deal

with the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

If you'd care to make an offer to us, we're listening.

You pay us to pretend to be scared of you has-beens

and keep out of your territory.

If you don't, the Partners drop a shitstorm

of costumed villainy on your doorstep.

I'll extend your offer to the Guild.

We're done here.

On your way out, take some of those free mints.

Your breath is appalling.

Okay, but when the Guild gets blamed for it,

don't come crawling to me.

Unless you want a night that you're never gonna forget.

- [ Growls ] - Red, it's not worth it.

Hey, you kicked ass on those stuffed peppers, boss.

- Delish! - [ Bell dings ]

Uh, was that him?

- What did I miss? - Everything.

I'm calling a Council meeting. Do you want to cater it?

I had nothing to change into.

DR. Z: That's it?

We pay them off and look like

we are afraid of their bluster and short pants?

Why make a thing of it? It's pocket change.

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: It's a mistake.

This is just the beginning with them.

It's the end. We've voted,

and the Peril Partnership gets their money to go away.

- Solved. - I'll make the drop.

It's on my way home.

Good. Next business.

Okay, since we can't find 13 members for the Council of 13,

I've gone back to the original charter,

and I found this. Okay, I'm quoting.

"The Council, constituting the superannuated, thus appointed,

are reborn as the governing body."

Okay, I'll be your huckleberry. What does that mean?

I think what she's saying is, we're super-awesome.

I didn't hear no talk

- about no 13 anything. - Well, there isn't any.

The 13 was the Sovereign's little flourish.

But it does mean that all of us

can no longer be active villains.

So we're good guys now?

Ooh, may I be Captain Handsome?

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: Watch and Ward are handing out

your final arch.

Your last hurrah of sorts.

We really did our research here.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

There it is. Have fun. Get it out of your blood.

Enjoy yourselves. At our next meeting,

we retire as villains or resign from the Council.

PHANTOM LIMB: Adjourned.

DR. VENTURE: Oh, my God, she's perfect.

Maybe she drops her hand-bra in the next one.

We can't see the other pictures unless she's a friend.

Friend her! Wait. Romance her.

Is there an "add romance" or a wink?

Can we wink and then bow?

Perhaps we should send her a flower made of punctuation.

Too desperate, too stupid.

Just wait till she answers your message.

Ugh. You really are serious about this, aren't you?

What are you thinking?

That I haven't been with a woman since Hank's graduation.

- Gross. - You don't know the half of it.

Well, then go out there and find a real woman

that won't kill you and take your money.

Brock, this is a woman that seduces rich men for a living.

Oh, think about how amazing that woman is in bed.

- Ugh, gross. - Not gross!

I'm a man. I need to be touched.

I would like to be touched by an amazing-looking woman

who wants only to please me.

I don't want to be laughed at, denied,

or even feel like the pathetic man I clearly am!

He does make some solid points, Brock.

Okay, let's, uh, figure this out.

[ Computer chimes ]

Gentlemen, the spider has taken the fly.

MONARCH: Mad? Why would I be mad?

Because you'll never be my Number 2 again?

Or that you made this decision without me

and just dropped it in my lap like a hot, stupid idea?

Mad? That's crazy!

I'm so happy for you.

This is my career, sweetie. This is what it requires.

Do you want me to quit? Join you and Gary?

I want it to be like it was 20 minutes ago,

- before you did this! - Yeah, well [Sighs]

- that's not gonna happen. - This... This... No!

- Sweetie, come on. - No!

- We can work through it. - MONARCH: No.

You know, he's not gonna commit suicide or anything.

What? Why would you even say that?

Oh, he wouldn't. He wouldn't go out and cheat on you or drink...

Gary, stop whatever that is.

- You're making it worse. - I was comforting you.

All right, fine. Next topic.

So, who's your final arch?

Here, you read it.

Uh, if you have to arch Venture, he's gonna go mental.

Just saying.

"Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

It was as Lady Au Pair when you had your most humbling defeat.

You were inches away from possessing the..."

Faith Diamond. 52.8 carats.

Worth an estimated $300 million.

- And it's all ours. - [ Pop ]

Will you stop opening the cash bags?

What? We would never take any money for ourselves, Mum.

That ain't right! Accusing us?

Ri-damn-diculous.

Don't say "I do" so quickly.

Novia! Funny. I don't remember getting your RSVP.

Lady Au Pair and her two Moppets.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

I'm more of a career girl.

Well, then I guess you won't want to catch...

my bouquet!

PHANTOM LIMB: Oh, you heard about it?

Yes, all of our old archrivals.

Who do you think?

It's you.

Wait! No, no, that's exactly what we should do!

I know you were kidding, but I'm not.

Old-school! That's right!

Like men.

Midnight, Central Park, Bow Bridge.

Oh, I'll be there.

WIDE WALE: Ha! You got to be kiddin' me.

[ Chuckles ] Those two set the Wayback Machine

all the way back to when I started out.

ROCCO: So, who's the unlucky good guy?

Curtis Sliwa of the Guardian Angels.

Sliwa? We made peace with that guy a long time ago.

He's part of my friggin' Thursday night poker game even.

No, he's good people.

But he's got to take a fall on your fists.

I don't need him doin' that karate shit on me.

- Ah, you serious? - Of course I'm serious!

Go slap Sliwa around and then, uh...

take him to Keens for some chops.

What's wrong with you? Get out of here!

DR. Z: Okay... [ Clears throat ]

"Dr. Z, we have only one word for you.

That word is 'Johnny. ""

[ Chuckles ]

Of course it is. [ Sighs ]

Good times, good times.

You will never escape, Johnny!

[ Buddy barking ]

It's Buddy! He followed us!

- Silence the animal! - [ Gunshots ]

Don't you shoot at my dog.

RED BANNON: Hold it, Johnny.

[ Buddy barking ]

DR. Z: Stupid dog is interfering with my spectacular plans!

HENCHMAN: Look, it is Anubis. The god himself.

HENCHMAN 2: And he is displeased!

No, no, you fools! Come back!

It's the dog stuck in a mask!

How idiotic can you be?!

Gosh, mister. Your henchmen are terrible at their job.

I know, right? They're bunglers!

And they will be executed!

Hard line. One bungle, you're out.

Zero-bungle tolerance.

RIGHT WING: Well, you gonna read it?

RADICAL LEFT: Oh, as if you don't know already

who it's gonna be.

Oh, look who they chose for Radical Left.

It's Right Wing.

Mm-hmm. Real shocker there.

Looks like I'm gonna have to vanquish you again.

Oh, take your best shot!

This time, don't absorb me.

Again.

DRAGOON: Go on, then. How bad could it be?

RED MANTLE: What if it's Commander Ruin?

He punched me in the tummy once, and I vomited on his boots.

Instantly coughed up a Reuben sandwich on his boots.

He never forgave me.

I'm hoping it's the guy from "Home Improvement."

Not the main guy, but... but the handyman.

Al. I hope it's Al.

Did you arch the "Home Improvement" guy?

I did not. But I hope it's him because he would never hurt us.

He wouldn't. He seems n-nice.

Maybe it would be prudent to wait till after dinner?

Dinner and another episode of "Downton Abbey."

[ Suspenseful music plays, footsteps approaching ]

[ Growls ]

Oh, here comes the 70-year-old errand boy.

Listen to those steps.

Hey, you got to slow down,

or you're gonna bust a hip there, old man.

Better all be there or...

RADICAL LEFT: The simplest murder ever committed.

Almost too easy.

Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick!

Oh, you got lucky!

Best out of five.

Set up the board again.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Okay, we are on.

Let's move, people!

DR. VENTURE: [ Clears throat ]

[ Breathy voice ] Oh, Mr. Venture.

So nice to meet you.

I lean in for the kiss but don't because?

Vial of hydrofluoric acid between teeth and gums.

Death occurs within 18 hours. Keep moving!

Right. So, I don't take her hand because of a concealed blade?

Or a false fingernail filled with batrachotoxin.

Right. Then I immediately offer her a dip in the hot tub.

Care for a dip in my hot tub?

No way to conceal weapons, water dilutes poison.

Plus, I get to see the goods as a bonus.

Oh, Mr. Venture. It's so chilly out.

Let's just sit down and chat.

Okay. Now I lead her to the couch.

Okay, I come in here and go, "Gee, Pop,

can you sign this last will and testament?

I've been asking for ages."

And I say something like,

"Oh, I'm so devil-may-care with my billions of dollars.

But don't worry, son.

I have a huge life-insurance policy, so you'll be fine.

Don't worry about the will." [ Chuckles ]

Ah, thank you.

You just ingested a lethal dose of tetrodotoxin

that I would've slipped into your drink.

Nice one, Dean.

All right, let's run it again, people!

[ Western-showdown music playing ]

We're really gonna go through with this?

It's the only way.

Drop 'em and measure!

Ah. Are we, uh, measuring from the top or...

From the base.

Let's try to keep a little dignity.

[ Muffled shouting ]

Oh, you're up. Goody.

We can start your history lesson.

Long before there were

loud-mouthed buff guys in spandex,

there was the Gentleman Villain.

His favorite sinister act was this...

tying someone to a train track.

It's simple, inexpensive, personal, and deadly.

But it gives you a little hope.

Maybe you'll escape.

[ Muffled ] God damn it!

Lesson's not over, sonny!

[ Sighs ]

Now, the Gentleman Villain had these old-school time bombs...

three sticks of dynamite wired to an alarm clock.

And what was so poetic about that is that they ticked.

You could hear them. Tick, tick, tick.

Nowadays, they're just digital.

- No sound, no peril. - [ Creaking ]

Oh? Oh, ho, ho!

Do you hear that?

- [ Train approaching ] - There's the ticking.

The train is coming.

Is it on this track?

Tick, tick, tick.

Maybe it's on the other track.

Tick, tick, tick!

- [ Muffled screaming ] - [ Laughs evilly]

[ Sighs ]

Not bad for an old man, huh?

I'm gonna get going and let you try to escape.

And if you do, tell the Peril Partnership

that the Guild isn't scared of punks.

If you don't? Eh... sorry.

- [ Muffled shouting ] - [ Grunts ]

[ Laughs evilly]

RECEPTIONIST: And what is the purpose of your visit?

DR. Z: Professional menace?

Nothing complicated.

I'll probably just chase him around,

unless you have a biplane or a werewolf costume

- or something fun. - Mm-hmm.

And what is your relation to John?

Why must you keep calling him "John"?

He is Johnny, the pesky son of my archenemy.

And since he is dead, Johnny is all I have.

Oh, well, we love John, too.

Unfortunately, it's not visiting hours.

If you'd like to write him a note, we could give it to him.

Uh, all right.

"I... will... get... you... Johnny."

That is so sweet. [ Clicks tongue ]

Oh, and you came all this way.

Why don't you wait over there?

I'll talk to his counselors and see what they can do for you.

Oh, you're very kind.

I will spare your life!

[ Dramatic theme music playing ]

Oh, Lady Violet, you are a delicious bitch,

- and you have my heart. - Indeed.

I confess I have fantasized about double-teaming her.

As if we have any other option besides double-teaming her.

One more episode before we open the envelope?

I think it prudent.

No way Matthew is really dead.

[ Device beeping ]

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: According to Guild Colossurveillance,

she should be around here somewhere.

Dude, that's where the Ventures live!

Your husband is gonna die.

Please, Gary, don't tell him. I don't want to deal.

He's going through so much right now.

Oh, my God, right? Seriously.

Everything I knew about myself has changed in, like, a year.

You know, screw it. I need to embrace change.

You want to cut off my ponytail?

Not this. The real one.

Really? I so will. I hate that thing.

- You look like... Steven Seagal. - Brad Pitt!

Tell me about... Or no. Or that.

- Not as much, though. - Oh, my God, that's her.

That's... That's Novia.

Shit, she looks great.

Um, let's not do this.

Follow me.

Excuse me!

Ma'am, were you Novia?

Tim-Tom?

Tim-Tom Moppet?

You're... big now?

I didn't know that could happen.

- Does that happen to... - I didn't grow.

I'm not a Moppet, biologically. I'm a henchman.

Or a sidekick now, but, you know, not with Lady Au Pair.

- With her husband... - Sheila?

Ta-da!

So, Novia...

Terri, I mean.

Wow! So [Chuckles]

Wow. Uh, forget it.

Forget it. This is too weird.

My... God. Sheila.

Uh... hi!

All right, I know this looks stupid, because it is.

It's, like, the dumbest thing in the world,

but I'm supposed to arch you tonight.

But now I can't because you look great

and I am dressed like a stupid nanny.

- No, no, no. You look beautiful. - My husband is dealing

with all this crap I gave him tonight.

- I just sprung it on him. - No!

And I was just thinking about myself, and now...

I'm supposed to be arching you, and you look really good,

and you've made so many better life decisions...

DR. Z: So, I talked to my wife,

and, uh, she was fine with you moving in.

So was Ro-Boy.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, man.

[ Clears throat ] You're all right.

I love you, Johnny.

- Yeah, no, uh, that's cool. - In the platonic sense, I mean.

Not literally.

Not even platonically, really, since Plato was all about

showing naked young boys a good time.

You know, classical Greece. I...

It was totally cool back...

Hey, maybe we shouldn't... mm, rush into this kind of stuff.

Maybe you just... I don't know...

maybe loan me a couple bucks instead?

Yes. Uh, perhaps that would be better.

Mm, oh.

Oh! Thanks for the mask thing, man. I mean...

Oh, no! Look!

- Anubis! Aah! - Oh!

Oh, you can run, Johnny, but you will never get away!

[ Laughs ] Right? Yeah. We, uh...

[ Both laugh ]

We did that.

Yeah.

- Good times. - [ Sighs ]

Oh, you want me to go run and hide or something?

Oh, oh! Please do.

Just one more time.

DRAGOON: Mm!

Oh, just do it already!

We've lived long enough.

Yes. This is how we should go.

Go ahead. I'm ready.

"Red Mantle and Dragoon.

We regretfully inform you

that all of your archenemies are deceased."

[ Gasps ] We won!

We outlived all of those good-guy pieces of crap.

They couldn't best us!

Boy, that guy from "Home Improvement"

really dodged a bullet tonight, eh?

I'm telling you, we so would've kicked AI's fat ass.

DR. VENTURE: I still can't believe you agreed

to come in the middle of the night.

[ Chuckles ] Wait.

Is this a booty call?

This is a booty call, isn't it?

Uh, slow down.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

You are the most honest man I've ever met.

- You're completely fearless. - Do you like it?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm so hopped up on this atropine, theophylline,

and antivenom that Brock gave me.

- Whoo! - Uh-huh.

And is Brock the man behind those bushes

with a rifle trained on me?

Hi, Brock! [ Chuckles ] Yeah, he's my bodyguard.

And this is my body.

Well, it's a very nice body.

Hey, I want to ask you something

before all these pills I took make me pass out.

- Do I have a chance here? - [ Chuckles ]

I don't know what people told you about me,

but I doubt it's true.

Well, I heard that you have

[Slurred] a lot of skeletons in your closet.

Yeah, well, okay, that one might be true.

Tonight proved that.

- Lots of s-skeletons... - I ran into a...

well, an old friend, right out in fro...

I didn't do that!

21: It really wasn't so bad.

I mean, you didn't vomit till she was gone,

and she couldn't see you do it, at least.

Gary, I cried.

Then my archnemesis hugged me. Hugged me.

Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor, my husband is home alone,

wondering if our partnership is completely over.

A-And it just might be.

Well, when you put it that way.

- You done back there? - Yep, and here it is...

your past, that smells like L.A. looks.

I never got over the wet look. Guilty.

Oh, I've got something else for you.

- What's this? - I lifted her wallet.

Little Miss Fancy got herself arched.

21: You are a baller!

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: With perspicacious design

and calamitous intent,

do you hereby resign your individual animus

and accept the collective odium of the Guild Council?

I do, and I look forward to hating with all of you.

Yeah, sure, man. We're ready!

Oh, dear, yes. Very much so.

With no reservations, I accept.

I regretfully decline.

I still got a lot of unresolved grudges.

And let's face it. All this?

This ain't me.

Of course. The Council understands your position.

Would you consider something like a diplomatic appointment?

I ain't going nowhere, Madam Councilwoman.

- We'll talk. - Councilman Limb?

It is my honor to become a full member

of this most worthy Council.

I would like to add that, last night,

I was mighty in my victory.

Like an inch mightier. Seriously.

This Council has my loyalty,

and I swear I shall defend its honor with my life.

And what say you, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch?

Uh, I...

I-I [Sighs]

Uh, I...

PHANTOM LIMB: Madam Councilman?

Gross.

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