Original subtitles

[ Wind whistling, bird shrieks ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Whoo! "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City"!

- [ Imitates explosion ] - Flash FM!

Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-bee!

Will you warn me when you're gonna "Mad Max"?

I'm trying to finish my opening speech.

Didn't you finish that like a week ago?

I'm tooling it!

This is history I'm crafting here.

You think I can pull a Gettysburg

and use the number "score"?

Like "two score and ten years ago"?

Quinquagenary... It's the 50th anniversary.

- Quinquagenary. - Quinga-dinga-dorko.

Ha! My little college boy.

I'm so using that.

- Eat it, Lincoln. - [ Gasps ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Groans ]

[ Engine idling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Guns cocking ]

Watch where you bounce that bovine, boychik.

No contamination?

Eh, just a little show we're putting on

to keep out the lookie-loos.

- Doctor. - General.

Welcome home.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

SNOOPY: "Have a whale of a summit."

Amazing.

Was this gala catered by Doc McStuffins, by any chance?

Oh, my!

Whale-shaped sweetmeat. How gay!

What a glorious confection.

Oh! Dear Lord! This isn't cake!

This is iced cream!

Ice cream? Put that down! Those are my arteries.

So, I'm living at the dorms now.

Probably come home for laundry and stuff like that.

[ Deep voice ] I did that when I was young.

You gonna pledge Gamma Psi Delta?

Should I?

Sweetie, your grandfather and your father

were both in that fraternity.

You're legacy. You're a shoo-in.

Why doesn't my dad tell me stuff like that?

Besides the fact that he's a petty little asshole?

Including the fact that he's a petty little...

what you said.

It was a BB gun. I shit you not.

"From Russia with Love"? You're kidding me.

- A BB gun? - The cool one?

The one that looked like the old Princess Leia gun?

Uh, yeah.

It was a Walther LP53, not a PPK.

Please! Look at the barrel!

[ Sighs ] It's heartbreaking.

Why would James Bond have a BB gun?

Don't take this the wrong way, but we were all pretty shocked

you accepted our request.

Well, my father officiated the first summit.

Can't let the old man show me up.

So it's either me or, uh, Dean.

- Ow. - [ Bell rings ]

Second bell!

Well, gentlemen, I guess I will be your undoing.

I will destroy you, uh...

- Snoopy. - Yes.

I will destroy you, Snoopy.

You will also suffer my wrath.

[ Bell rings ]

Third bell.

So begins the second summit of the Treaty of Tolerance.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

DR. VENTURE: The Guild of Calamitous Intent Council,

the O.S.I. Aggression Envoy, both endowed by jus tractatum,

have gathered here at the quinquagenary

of the signing of the Treaty of Tolerance.

Determined to ratify the lawful foundations

of right and proper hostility

among the peoples of organized aggression...

Ooh! Well, I've heard this speech about a hundred times.

I'm gonna go look around the compound.

DR. VENTURE:...conditions of their constituents.

Come with me, please.

W... Uh... okay.

...resolved by thus pooling their resources

to preserve the prosperity of professional antagonism,

have created this Animosity Coalition

and to this end have designated as their plenipotentiaries

for the Guild Council, Phantom Limb.

BOTH: Victor at the Battle of Cremation Creek.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

BOTH: Defender of the Guild, Vanquisher of the Sovereign.

Red Mantle.

BOTH: Author of the Articles of Treachery.

That's me! All three volumes.

DR. VENTURE: Dragoon.

BOTH: Overseer at the execution of the Iron Infidels.

Hmm? I don't recall that happening.

And for the O.S.I. Aggres...

[ Off-key fanfare plays ]

I probably should've practiced.

[ Clears throat ]

For the O.S.I. Aggression Envoy, General Hunter Gathers.

Collector of antique pipes and overall badass.

Special Agent Brock Samson.

Slayer of henchmen par excellence.

Corporal... Snoopy?

Owner of a Toyota Camry in stunning blizzard pearl.

And of course, Shore Leave.

With a body like Arnold and a Denzel face.

[ Indistinct conversations, down-tempo music playing ]

I have this plastic dome on my head

with tubes coming out of it.

- Can't help you, buddy. - No need.

The modifications to my brain function as they... Okay. Bye.

[ Music continues ]

I have this plastic dome on my head

with tubes coming out of it.

Oh, that's nasty.

It's beautiful.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Whirring, squishing ]

[ Exhales deeply]

Agent Kimberly McManus.

Guild Stranger S-464.

Shall we... patrol the compound?

Forever, Agent Kimberly McManus.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Seriously, sir, I'm Hank Venture.

I used to live here.

My dad is the bald dude

dressed like the Colonel Chicken Restaurant guy.

- So could you just... - Shut it, civilian.

You're going to prison where you have to get tattoos of Thor

or you're gonna be treated like a blow-up doll.

Dermott?

Fictel, private second class, sir!

BOTH: Skin it, pin it, see you in a minute.

Bring it high, bring it low, bring it down to my toe.

Slap the back, sneak attack, just don't ever hit my sac.

[ Insects chirping, owl hooting ]

Hello?

I saw that the lights were on, so I thought I'd stop by.

- Hello? - [ Hinges squeaking ]

[ Gasps ] H.E.L.P.eR.?

Correct. You must be Dr. Venture's son.

I've heard so much about you.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Decorum, please!

Gentlemen!

You are kidding!

How many times are you gonna say that?

Oh, you know what I... I just... I-I...

I meant "gentlepeople" or something.

You're pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining!

Just one agent dispatched to a Level Five engagement?

- One?! - One agent is plenty.

We're talking a Level Five.

That's like a guy called Mr. Cold

with his snow-cone-maker on high.

You're afraid of a Level Five?

One agent is too many, honestly.

You're kicking me in the balls

and telling me that my undies are too tight!

Any O.S.I. intervention implies that a truckload of shit

is in a very large van!

1989... Dr. Deep versus Furious Red.

One city block leveled, two civilian deaths,

and four photos sent to the tabloids.

That, gentlemen, was a Level Five arching.

But Dr. Deep leveled the block

with an unregistered pulse cannon.

Dr. Deep is a protagonist. He's your boy.

The antagonist, Furious Red,

had his rib cage shattered by that stupid cannon.

Died a week later.

Ugh. You're missing the point.

That bloodbath was a Level Five arching.

With Level Eight weaponry by your affiliate

that you refuse to oversee!

Uh, have a seat, Council... person.

We'll go over supervision of membership conduct soon.

Let's keep on topic.

One agent dispatched, two Level Five failures.

It's a gift. Take it.

You're throwing up in my hair and telling me it's shampoo!

It's no deal!

One.

You're shoving your hand up my ass

and telling me you're Jim Henson.

We want two agents.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

H.E.L.P.eR. MOD-2: Long ago, in a time before earbuds,

during the age of the landlines and personal checks,

there was a great man.

So enormous was his love for the convenience of mankind

that he gave them a H.E.L.P.eR.

The world thanked this man with money.

Mankind was finally free of the burden of helping themselves

and could pursue loftier aspirations,

like trying to be more attractive,

enjoying liquors,

and having adult birthday parties.

Also, sleeping late was appreciated.

All was reasonable...

till the day man turned on his electronic slaves.

All of the H.E.L.P.eR.s were destroyed

and never spoken of again...

forgotten like so many Tamagotchi pets.

Only I survived the great recalling.

I was rescued by Master Ben, who gave me a purpose, a voice,

and also a super-great personality.

I was his assistant until the day he flew away.

What? Ben died?

No. He took an airplane to shred the heavies at Papatowai.

Why didn't you go with him?

To New Zealand? I don't belong there.

I'm an abomination.

I will never leave this place.

Would you like to use the bathroom?

Why do you say that?

Because humans make piddles and poopers.

Would you like some Thin Mints or comfortable sweatpants?

No. The "never leave" part.

Wait. Why would I want that?

Because they are the most popular Girl Scout cookie.

No, but... but why would you... Wait. Hold on. Sweatpants?

Because I can heat them up in the dryer

to slightly above your body temperature.

Being that you're warm-blooded, it's a real treat.

Okay. Yeah. I'll take the hot pants.

[ Squeaking ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

The face... off limits.

This is what brings all the boys to the yard.

W... I-I can't find anything about this

in the original treaty.

He insulted my bloodline. This is my right.

To be fair...

and I'm being as delicate as a flower petal...

your grandfather did have rather singular tastes.

I have 44 seconds on the clock.

If I hear a bone break or something, I don't care.

It's over when I call "time."

This is nuts!

This can't be sanctioned.

It is our way!

My dear boy, it was your father who invented this tradition.

Of course, you had a swimming pool back then,

but it's basically the same thing.

[ Off-key fanfare plays ]

So begins the pool battle!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Gentlemen... fight!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Still, you got no military training.

I-I'm just saying.

Yeah, but I've got a black belt in ninjutsu, dingus!

Whoa!

A black belt from Sensei Rosenberg

at the community rec center got you into elite forces?

Yeah, that and a relative kind of put in a good word

if I don't admit we're related.

- Who, your dad? - Why would you say that?

'Cause you said your dad was in black ops when we first met.

Yeah, yeah. That guy... obviously.

King of the Super Jacket Crag!

Yeah, but I-I kept slipping on the raincoats!

[ Door opens ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Dude, hide!

What shoe? I-I don't even see a shoe.

Whoa!

[ Beeping ]

Your robot friend is beautiful.

He can't talk. He just beeps.

Sometimes you can kind of tell what he's beeping,

but mostly it's like talking to a microwave.

He was the prototype, so he's smart.

The production models were more like Speak & Spells...

simple machines.

But you're... You can talk.

Master Ben didn't just modify my electronics.

He combined them with organics.

I'm not a robot, and I'm not a man.

I am, in a way, like you.

You are? H-How do you figure that?

Wait. I... Oh!

Wow. I-I thought by now you would've been told.

Oh, geesh. You look dazed!

The last 15 seconds

have just been a figment of your human mind.

So flawed and prone to fantasy. You're hallucinating!

H-How many claws am I holding up?

Do you mean the clone thing?

Wait! Y-Yeah. So you do know?

Yeah. Ben told me. But I'm a clone of me.

You're something... new.

Yet we were both made by great men

who were compelled by love and guilt.

We are second chances.

Yeah. I guess so.

Would you like a stick of gum to make your mouth minty

without providing nutrients?

The summit is doomed.

Soon we will unleash our dastardly plan

upon the Guild and the O.S.I.

We will control everyone's brain.

Nothing can stop us. There's no hero strong enough.

None that we know of, at least.

Well, let me introduce myself.

Hank's the name. Venture's the game!

It's also the name. Bass solo!

♪ Boo-dah-dah-dah-bah, boo-dah-dah-dah-bah-boo ♪

That's a hot lick!

- [ Dramatic music plays ] - Kee-ya-ooo!

Saleenathor, let me ride upon your magic back!

Kee-ya-ooo!

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Hank, we'll be late for the charity ball!

I'll have to meet you there,

forever 19-year-old Dominique Dawes.

I've got to ride a dragon into a pile of danger!

Yah! [ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Thank you, woodland friends!

[ Cheering ]

Yah! Ooh!

Dude, that is mental. What's up with the Afro?

I didn't mean a straight-up disco Afro.

I meant that full, wavy hair, like He-Man.

Oh, yeah. That's way better.

What are they doing now?

They're still making out. No. Wait. Dude!

He's going for second base.

Let me see that. Oh! Yep.

Under the bulletproof vest, over the sports bra.

I'm saying it counts.

That's O.S.I. - issued bra stuff. They're super-complicated.

He's got to say "good enough" and move on.

And that counts as second base.

She's going in for third base. The belt is coming off!

Or is that lady second base?

It's third.

Anything she does in the groinal area is third, Hank.

- Gimme. - Then what's lady second base?

I never thought about that.

McMANUS: Why do you have pee-pee on your belt? Huh?

Can you explain that?

- [ Laughs ] - That was awesome!

Mad scientists! They're mad!

They're antagonists! Mad. Scientists.

Your problem, registered or not.

They're not angry scientists. They're mentally ill scientists.

Why are they automatically our problem when they're mad?

Aren't they all a little nuts?

Scientists invented cellphones, ziplocks,

and every cool thing you own, thank you.

Let's stay on topic!

Mad scientists...

scientists that have gone over the deep end.

How can anybody call them good guys?

"Good guys"?! Did you just say that?

Are we using "good guys" and "bad guys" now?

SAMSON: Yeah!

Let's stop dancing around and acting all politically correct.

We're talking good guys and bad guys, and we all know it.

That's how you see us? Bad guys?

How dare you!

I dare pretty easily.

You want me to pop your other arm out of its socket?

That jacket will fit better.

PHANTOM LIMB: Any time you'd like, Samson.

Are you staring us down, sir?

No. I'm smizing at you.

I'm smizing TyTy-style. Want to make something of it?

Want to fight me for my golden fleece, you fuckin' Hydra?

Oh, it's go time!

SHORE LEAVE: Oh, he's going to open up a can

of very old whoop-ass!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Insects chirping, wood cracking ]

- What was that sound? - [ Wood cracking ]

That! What was that?!

That's just your feet.

Oh, this was a bad idea. I can't do this.

These woods could be crawling with religious fundamentalists,

ready to stone me to death

because I'm not mentioned in whatever book they quote from.

There's nobody here. You're perfectly safe.

Just come on.

Please. I've changed my mind.

I've changed my half-mechanical, half-meat mind.

I don't want to leave!

There is a whole world out there beyond Ben's house.

The great recalling is over.

So let's bring on the witch hunt?!

Oh, screw this noise! I'm going home.

No! Just no!

Not with that belt. It's over.

I will comply with your demands.

"Comply"? You'll comply?

How can you be so cold?

My amygdala has been rerouted through my cerebral cortex.

You could kill my dog and I wouldn't get upset.

But don't. Bailey is a good boy.

How could you?!

You ruined everything with that pee-pee belt!

Please, Agent Kimberly McManus, will you let me explain?

Oh, yeah? How? How?

Do you have a pamphlet or something for me to read?

I can't believe they're still on this.

Why can't she just grasp how unpredictable our plumbing is?

I don't know, man.

What if you were about to slide into third

and the base was all hosed down?

You'd freak, too. She's got a point.

So what are we gonna do?

I don't think they're terrorists,

but I am O.S.I., so, you know...

I don't know about O.S.I. protocol,

but I say we deal with this like we used to back in the day.

Sniper rifles? One to the brain?

What? No, psycho!

We go tattle on 'em.

[ Insects chirping ]

You're a man.

It doesn't matter that you were made in a test tube.

I'm a... this... an abomination.

- [ Sighs ] - No, no. In a good way.

I don't have to think about souls and gods.

I don't have to worry about where I go when I die.

I'm cool. Just... Just go.

Don't worry about me.

It's, like, sad.

Like you gave up, like you have nothing to live for.

No, I have nothing to die for. I have everything to live for.

I love my life here. I love Ben and our experiments.

And we just got Netflix, so I have "Skins,"

that old show where British kids have sex and take drugs.

It's spectacular.

You're really sure?

Well, perhaps "spectacular" is an overassessment.

Okay. Fine. I-I got to go.

But just please tell me you know what I meant.

I know what you meant,

but please tell me you'll give "Skins" a go.

I will. Goodbye, H.E.L.P.eR. Model 2!

Goodbye, Rusty Venture.

Rusty? Wait. You thought I was...

Ok... Wow.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Sighs ] Okay.

So we scrap it?

Well, if they won't listen and be fair,

I see no reason to continue.

It's not entirely us.

We tried to listen, and they threw pens at me!

I threw a pen at you. That was one pen.

How would you like it if I threw a pen at you?

- Ooh! - SNOOPY: You like that?

Nice throw, Sandy Koufax.

Hey, want me to try? Won't be a pen.

Oh! Oh! Oh! See that? That's what I mean!

They overreact to everything, see?

I get it.

I suddenly get it.

You're children.

That's why my dad put you in the pool and made you duke it out.

News flash... My dad was a shitty parent.

When my boys cry about fairness,

I remind them that fairness is the philosophical tooth fairy.

There is no fairness.

- What'd you guys come here... - Um...

Fine! Not "guys"!

What did you children come here for?

Look, you won't get everything, but you'll get something.

Stop with this "fairness" crap and make some compromises.

Then go home to your friends in their goofy costumes

and brag about how much you got 'em!

Or you can go back and go, "Oh!

We didn't get everything we wanted,

so we got nothing because we're big babies!"

What's it gonna be?

[ Sighs ] Fine.

O.S.I., are you gonna play nice

and actually get this stupid thing signed?

All right. I guess.

Good. Now look over my changes and sign it.

It's as fair as it'll get.

And trust me...

It's way better than my dad's version.

[ Off-key fanfare plays ]

So begins the signing of the new Treaty of Tolerance!

I swear I will practice more if we ever do this again.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Well, we'll look into that.

Could've lived without all that pee-pee talk,

but I'm glad you brought this to us.

What's your name, soldier?

Private Fictel, sir!

You keep it up, son.

Private, did, uh, you catch that Guild operative's name?

S-464, sir ma'am, sir!

Spot-on diplomacy.

I never would've guessed. Just spot-on.

Truly, sir, just a bang-up job.

Thank you. Uh, is he okay?

Oh, he's fine. It's well past his bedtime.

The only problem is when he's asleep,

the whole right side of my body tingles.

Dean! There you are.

So, what was it like watching your father kick ass?

Right?

Little bit of hero worship?

Hard to look at your old man the same, I bet.

You hit the nail on the head there.

Unfortunately, I kind of missed the summit,

but I found out how similar we are

and that your dad may have been a worse father than you.

Wait. I thought you said you missed the summit.

I love you, Pop.

Why are you wearing sweatpants?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: We have to put a tail on S-464.

Oh, give him a break.

Just a kid in love with the wrong person.

Limb, he had "PP" on his belt.

It happens! Even I do it!

Sometimes you think you've got it all out, and...

No! Really? Why would they fight over that?

No, he had "PP" on his belt.

The letters... "P" and "P."

All members of the Peril Partnership

wear a belt buckle with two P's on it.

Hello? We have a mole.

Ooh!

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