Original subtitles

[CHANTING IN LATIN]

There he is,

soaked in our brother's blood,

literally redhanded.

Take the shot, Councilwoman.

Agh!

21: What the...? I know! Crazy!

How did this even happen?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

21: Well, it all started when I was in 8th grade.

You know the 8th-grade Washington, D.C. trip?

Well, ours, we had to present the flag

to Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell --

awesome name -- and I was the kid they chose to do it.

Now, because I was a huge kid

and because henchmen don't do that much research,

I got kidnapped, instead of Senator Nighthorse Campbell.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

You just have to sign this and, then, we'll let you go.

It's a harmless little law I'd like you to instate.

It simply makes the surname Venture

illegal!

Nyah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

21: Isn't that awesome? Like he wasn't gonna

ransom the senator, or anything.

He just wanted to make Dr. Venture's name illegal.

It sounds idiotic, right? But just think about it:

every time Dr. Venture orders pizza

or like tries to cash a check, or anything,

Boom! They arrest his ass.

- Classic Monarch! - Ahhh!

I'm telling you, sir, [SNIFFLE] you have the wrong person.

[SCOFFS] Who the hell is Gary Fischer?!

Me! I-I'm Gary Fischer!

You morons kidnapped the wrong guy!

But he had the flag and he looked

way more senatorial than the other guy

'cause he... flag.

Sir, as team leader, I accept the full resp--

- [ZAP] - Get rid of this idiot.

Him, too.

They didn't kill me, obviously.

They recruited me.

I became a henchman for the mighty Monarch on that day

and never looked back.

I never finished 8th grade, either.

I got my GED later, though.

You know, in case henching didn't pan out,

it is good to have a fallback.

How does he do it?!

Every time I think I've got him in my grip,

he slithers out!

You mark my words, you little worm.

I will get you,

Dr. Heinie!

See? Not cool.

- Am I the only one seeing this? - Well, I'm not gonna pretend

that it's worthy of the spin, but it's just temporary.

Plus, Dr. Heinie is kinda famous.

His laser-hemorrhoid-removal posters

are all over the subway.

It'll totally make the papers when you thwart him.

- It's a good thwart. - Wasted thwart.

Oh, honey, when you thwart him,

you'll be a level-5 candidate and you'll be

thwarting Venture in no time.

Fine!

I'll thwart Dr. Heinie.

Good. Be careful.

Oh, of course.

After all, the guy has hemorrhoid lasers.

- Oh, no! - Sweetie, there's a vigilante

out there, killing supervillains.

Granted, he's only killing level 10s,

but I still want you to be careful.

The Blue Morpho?

The Blue Morpho.

[SCOFFS] I'm not afraid of the Blue Morpho.

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: The Blue Morpho problem was seriously

the last thing the Guild saw comin'.

Everything was going great. New headquarters,

new Council of 13, recruitment was on the rise,

and then, the Blue Morpho comes back.

The council assembled a task force to deal with it

We called it the Five Point Five.

The Point Five were Watch and Ward, who,

not being actual Council members,

had to sit at a kiddie table.

I voted against it.

You know, we have access to whatever files

survived the destruction of the old Guild.

Useless. The Guild never kept records on BM.

For obvious reasons,

could you not abbreviate his name!

Seconded! It sounds as if we're discussing

a walking, talking poopy!

Ugh. Blue Morpho was a vigilante.

He never applied for Guild arching rights.

He was a menace

and the Guild put a price on his head.

In 1976, that bounty was claimed.

Maybe it's a revenge thing?

Who claimed the bounty?

Sadly, our predecessor, the late, great Sovereign,

destroyed that information.

It doesn't matter! Me, Red Mantle, Dragoon,

all the old timers, remember the Blue Morpho.

Yes, yes! He wore mostly blue!

Like a resplendent blue tomato!

Were there such a thing, of course.

Yes, we get it, old friend.

What you do not realize is that the Blue Morpho

was the junkyard dog of Team Venture.

- Oh, was he? - Indeed.

If there was a dirty job that the squeaky-clean

Jonas Venture needed done, he sent the Blue Morpho.

I remember, in 1973,

Keppel Harbor, Singapore.

I had just spent the night with tennis great Billie Jean King,

performing my own battle of the sexes.

Mmm, perfect.

40 - Love.

There is nothing a man hopped up on Ginkgo Biloba

and Paradise White cannot do beneath the sheets.

Do you know why I'm here?

Because I seduced you with my perfect animal charm

and my slim, hairless Asian body

appears vaguely feminine in this light?

[CHUCKLE] No.

I was sent here.

By Jonas Venture.

Now, why don't you hand over the Jade Dragon

before I spray your brains all over that wall.

I complied, of course.

It was all kinds of scary.

But here is the part that has been troubling me for 40 years:

I performed every known sexual act that night!

I mean, everything!

I don't know if he did a-- a switcheroo

or he just had a superduper costume,

but I made tender, yet purely accidental, love

to the Blue Morpho.

So when I tell you that he would've done anything

for Jonas Venture,

you can bet your sweet bippy

that I. Mean. Anything.

Dr. Z, have you no sense of decency, sir?

What? It was the 1970s!

So I ask you to chill and cut me some slack.

My point is that, if you want to find

this new Blue Morpho, you must start with one man:

the son and heir of Jonas Venture!

DOC: This has to go like clockwork.

This family has been shot at, shot down, and shot from,

more times than any other family in history.

We are Ventures!

This is like a dream I once had--

- Not you guys, obviously. - Yeah, obviously.

Brock, Hatred,

I'm gonna want full-security vigilance from you two.

The second he arrives, I want him to feel like he's

as safe as a kitten.

- Can do! - What should we do?

You two have only one job.

Do not embarrass me. That's it.

This is the most important night of your father's life.

DOC: All right, let me just back this up a tink.

Last week, I went to a swank ass party

to make some connections.

Nothing but a bunch numbskulls

who never accomplished anything themselves,

yet, they look down on someone who stood on the moon.

The moon! I was 7 years old.

Let's do this.

Business cards and cell numbers.

Exactly. No "I'll call you when blah blah blah"

and, if they ask you why you're there, say,

"Why, dear, dear Gloria invited us."

Are we sure there's a Gloria here?

There's always a Gloria.

Always a Gloria!

I don't care who you are, I promise you:

your life is better than these wealthy morons.

All they do is complain.

They're like a dog tied up in the backyard with nothing to do.

They end up gnawing off their hair

and getting obsessed with a frisbee.

Ah, we struck out. How'd it go with you?

They won't even talk to me.

That's because you're not him.

Who's "him"?

Him is Christopher Lam-Burt.

The Highlander,

Christopher Lambert?

Exactly. Wouldn't even look at us.

You get him, we have all of these chumps in our pocket.

DOC: Christopher motherfucking Lambert.

The lord of the apes, Lord Rayden,

and once Lord of Diane Lane!

The guy had sex with Diane Lane!

Multiple times!

There he was, sitting on a couch, eating pate.

In real life, he looks a lot like Ted Danson,

but with a kind of magic that only a Lambert has--

Chris has.

His friends call him Chris.

Ready, Kano?

Ready, Blue Morpho!

Engage costume pods.

Where's my Morpho suit?!

You're wearing the old black and gold tonight,

so I brought the Morpho suit in to be fixed.

It had 1970s kevlar flaking off the lining.

Dude! That's-- You can't bring that

- to a fucking dry cleaners. - Oh, my God, chill.

There is this place right in Little Italy.

They specialize in antagonist and protagonist costumes.

It's like a Swiss bank. We're cool.

Enh. I can't say I missed this crown.

Stupid thing is always falling off.

Aggh! I wish I could go with you tonight!

Dude, I have to be kickin' that hemorrhoid guy's ass

when your Morpho kill goes down.

That's the whole point!

Up goes our EMA Arching Level;

down goes our suspicion level. Duh.

Yeah, I know.

But the next guy on our list is The Wandering Spider.

Oh, please, the guy's a has-been and a lush.

He killed Mr. Energy!

Mr. Energy electrocuted himself,

watering his lawn.

Wandering Spider just altered his report

to live off his arching insurance.

Sovereign-era Guild shenanigans.

Nothing to be scared of.

Just fly his ass to the Pine Barrens,

execute him during the eclipse, and bury him!

[WHINES] Why can't I thwart Dr. Heinie?!

Right at the eclipse! You big baby.

[SINGSONG] Enzo, it's your favorite client.

Eh, Dottore the Rusty.

You look like a million dollars.

And this fine boy is yours, no?

- Uh, that's Dean. - Dean!

Such a manly name, huh?

Want I to make him a perfect speedsuit

to show off his manly curves?

DOC: We're not here for Dean.

I have to ask you if you've ever made anyone

the Patriarch.

[GASPS] The Patriarch?

Where did you ever hear Enzo do this?

Enzo never give names of his clients, never!

He eat poison before he tell.

Enzo, I've seen it!

It was the most beautiful speedsuit

I've ever laid my eyes on and, Goddamn it, I want one.

Make me the Patriarch.

No-o-o! Not the Patriarch.

She is a bitch.

Each gold thread twisted by hand,

each bead shaped from tiny pearls.

She's lined with calf and silk!

No! Why you want the Patriarch?

Because I'm throwing a little lunar eclipse party

and I've invited Christopher Lam--

You shut that!

Okay. This man you speak of.

Maybe I know his tastes. Maybe I just guess.

But, he is a classic.

Enzo make you a tuxedo, enh?

A tuxedo in midnight blue.

Blue tuxedo?

Height of fashion. [GASP]

Who make the blue tuxedo famous?

Duke of Windsor!

Most stylish man ever in history of world.

Maybe Enzo make his tuxedo, even?

Enzo never tell.

Ha! I get you samples. You wait.

So, uh, how long will it take to make this thing?

ENZO: For you, favorite client?

Two, perhaps three, weeks. No more.

Okay.

Um, hey, I gotta run, but, I'll be back soon.

Just-- Okay, back soon.

MONARCH: I'm leaving now! Gonna go arching!

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

Are you taking 21 with you?

Yeah, he's already at the bus station.

Ahh, the Monarch!

So good to see you in your colors.

I have a rather pressing matter

for your wife, so may I...? - Kitchen.

All right.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Ah.

21: Hey, can I get a hand here?

Damn cast. I can't--

You know, I broke my arm, so, if you could just

give me a hand and we can just get that in there.

Yeah, that's not going to work.

All right, if you just get in

and I'll just kind of tip it.

You know, tip it and you can pull it.

- Dios Mio. - Get a scooch in there.

Okay, just edge it in.

You're like, what, like--

like a wandering spider, or something?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Blue Morpho.

[HISSING]

MONARCH: So what's all this crap about levels?

Level 10, Level 4, Level whatever.

It's not that confusing.

EMA level means equally matched aggression level.

It all started with -- that's right --

The original Dr. Venture.

See, 50 years ago, there was this freshman villain

called Turnbuckle.

No fancy car, no weapons, no clue, right?

He shows up at the Venture compound and snatches Rusty

from his playpen, or whatever, and demands a fight.

Step away from the boy.

Caution. You face Tu-r-rnbuckle.

My punch is devastating.

Step the fuck away from the boy!

The guy puts up his dukes like a total douche.

So the Action Man, because he's a full-on psycho,

pistol-whips him into the ground like a tent pole.

And then, this Turnbuckle, he looks up and says...

Kiss my ass.

Click. Takes one right in the brain.

Not equal.

So they came up with this system.

You have huge balls, a deadly partner, armed headquarters,

a huge henchman army, and a flying car,

you're like a level 9 or 10.

If you just have a sidekick and enough change

to ride the New Jersey path train,

you're a 4.

Guess who's a 4.

DR. Z: Come, now. What more do you need?

Wide Wale's surveillance tapes clearly show

that Dr. Venture was dressed as Blue Morpho.

Illegally obtained surveillance footage isn't enough to move on.

And what of this grapple gun we salvaged

from the wreck of the Doom Factory?

Look, here are the mechanics.

That is the Venture Industries logo.

He all but left his business card to taunt us.

Okay, listen, we'll assemble the Five Point Five

and we're gonna deal with this by the--

- Open your eyes, woman! - Book.

Not another one of us will die!

This list, it's not just random Level-10 villains.

This is a list of Dr. Venture's

arching rights.

He has been killing his way through this list.

Well, why? He wouldn't do that.

I've watched him stand on a chair

because he saw a cockroach!

Money, power, greed! They change people.

We must stop this tonight!

Not as Guild members, but as brethren.

As villains!

[SIGHS] Who's next on the list?

The Wandering Spider.

Well, we should call him right away.

- Maybe he-- - Don't bother.

We have, and he is missing.

Come with me. We have only moments to spare!

21: I don't wanna kill anyone.

Yeah, I know, I'm a henchman. That's what we do. Kill.

You know, back in the Monarch crew,

we called it "getting your wings".

I was 16 when I got my wings.

So, we're arching this guy called Professor Vibrations.

Hippie creampuff, fought all his battles

with robots and some vibrogun thing.

So lame, but he was still nuts.

So I'm looking for a place to hide my fat ass,

'cause I'm 16 and I'm terrified

and who do I all but knock over?

Professor Vibrations.

He had me dead to rights.

Could've vibrated my head off.

And then, he suddenly died.

Like of happiness, or something.

No, that happens!

Remember that video game Berserk?

In like 1981, this kid named Jeff Dailey died

right after he got a high score.

[ROBOTIC] "Got the Humanoid!"

Clunk, dead.

Then, like a year later, another kid dies, the same way.

Of happiness!

Margaret, would you please send in the next patient?

M-Margaret?

I guess that would be me.

I have a huge pain in my ass, doctor.

[CHUCKLE]

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS]

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: Ah, these fuckin' old-time villains.

The second things get hairy,

they scrap protocol and do it their way.

Something inside me wanted this.

All the diehards, the kooks, the real villains, the crazies,

the blood-starved animals,

they're all assembled at Wide Wale's.

They're starin' down a gun barrel,

just waitin' for Dr. Venture to mess up.

I'm ashamed to say it, but,

I hope he does.

Hey, look, free water!

What are you doing?

I meant like create mood lighting

and conversation corners.

This looks like a baby shower for a teen mom.

I tried to stop him, but then, I appreciated the irony.

What are these?

They're the eclipse viewers you wanted.

They're novelty glasses!

You look at an eclipse through these

and your eyes will melt out of your head.

They don't even have lenses!

Doc, this is a lunar eclipse.

You don't have to wear anything to--

Shh! We get paid for those.

Oh, yeah!

They're all sprayed with Eclipsium.

They stop radiation and magic space stuff.

Oh, good. Safety first.

- And the hats? - Also coated with Eclipsium.

Hmm. You might want to give 'em

another couple coats. Me and Chris --

Lambert, of course, have sensitive heads.

[OWL HOOTS, INSECTS BUZZ]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God, you're heavy!

You wearing a flack vest, or something?

Whoa!

Ah! What the hell?!

[POWERING UP]

Dude.

A-Are you awake?

Hey! You awake?

Ow. All right, I just did that to myself.

Just my luck.

Aw, crap, it's fallin' asleep.

DOC: Ah. Heh.

I guess he's going to be fashionably late.

Or fashionably somewhere better.

Oh, my God. Did you invite anybody else?

Like your mom, or maybe that fox

from the Carfax commercial?

- The Carfax Fox. - He's already drunk.

I just figured Chris would invite

all his fancy friends.

What can I get ya, slim?

Why don'tcha pour out your heart,

as I pour out a stiff one.

Hank's the name and this here's me waterin' hole.

Stop, Hank.

Fine. How about a Ruddy Bottom.

Yeah, unless the name of the drink

includes the ingredients, I can't help ya.

Perhaps a gin and tonic that's made of gin and tonic?

You know what? It's time you learned a Doctail.

The Ruddy Bottom.

That's tall-glass grenadine with tomato juice

and a jigger of rum.

Sweet! I'll have a Ruddy Bottom, too.

But, instead of grenadine, I'll have rum.

And replace the tomato.

Also rum.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah-eah-eah. All right.

This is how it's done.

This is how we did it back in the day,

when you didn't have to check with Mommy

to protect what's yours.

This is so exciting!

Like when we were young and dumb

and everything was pointy and dangerous.

What have we missed?

Oh, you just missed jack squat.

This is crazy, you guys.

Let's just all relax and think this over.

[MOANING]

Ahh, we gotta do another one.

Crown was all messed up in that one.

And look more terrified, will ya?

Like I'm totally badass.

Oh, I am terrified!

Please, let me go.

Well, act it! Look like you're laughing

in half the pictures.

Some people laugh when they're nervous.

What do you want from me?

I'm tied to a thing.

[ALERT BEEPS]

Well! It's time for the eclipse.

I'm gonna go out and view.

Any takers?

Ah, maybe later.

I'ma na-nap for a bit.

Ah! Nice.

You got Ruddy Bottom all over me.

- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] - [INSECTS BUZZ]

[CHANTING IN LATIN]

[PANTING]

All right.

[HISSING]

Oh, what? Wh-What's going on?

Where are we? Is-- Is that my phone?

Yeah. I want you to say you've been kidnapped

by the Blue Morpho and that you're

in a forest, about to be executed.

Ah! Is that true?

A-Are you gonna execute me?

Dude, say exactly what I just said.

It's-- It's still ringing!

- [RING] - [SOBBING]

Wh-Why are you doing this?

Do you want money? I can get you money.

PHONE: This is Guild Councilwoman Dr. Mrs. the Monarch.

- Oh! It's going to voicemail. - Well, leave a message!

Th-That won't really help me!

- [BEEP] - Will it?

- [CHANTING IN LATIN] - [BUZZ]

The eclipse has started.

That's not all that's started.

It looks like that Blue Morpho there likes

to dance in the moonlight after a kill.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Agh! Thanks, Billy.

I'm all sticky with grenadine.

Idiot.

Huh? Oh.

That really is beautiful.

A-A-And, sending it now.

It's a good one.

Hey, you want me to put one on your homepage?

WANDERING SPIDER: Please don't.

You don't have to do this.

Y-You don't have to do this.

[SOBBING] You don't have to do--

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Look for yourself, Councilwoman.

Oh, my God.

There he is, soaked in our brother's blood,

literally redhanded.

I-I can't believe this.

This is not happening.

Take the shot, Councilwoman.

Do you want to be remembered

as the bureaucratic coward that hesitated?

What, do gotta see, Dr. Venture

slit your husband's throat before you end this madness?

Madam, I beg you, shoot him or step aside!

He's a killer!

[CHANTING IN LATIN]

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: Sometimes you do something and you know,

that second, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

21: But you had to make that choice!

You saw no other way!

You're a tiny part in a big machine.

DOC: And you feel small, like you don't matter,

but it's so beautiful, you're okay with it.

Agh!

MONARCH: Well, that's it.

Dr. Venture's dead.

And nobody cared.

His friends, his family, his bodyguard,

even his stupid robot,

didn't care.

[GASP]

MONARCH: Oh, please! I'm kidding!

That was my jacket and it has a bulletproof lining.

He's fine!

Idiot thought his pocket blew up.

And, because he stole it from a place

that makes costumes for villains,

he was too ashamed to tell anyone.

The next day, he returned it to Enzo's.

He even had to pay for my tailoring.

My wife finally checked her phone

and found 21's message and my awesome selfie

and they realized what they did.

Somehow, she still snuck in an "I told you so."

[SCOFF] Like she was innocent.

What, you're worried about my poor henchman?

- [SWING MUSIC PLAYS] - It's his job! Please!

And me? I'm in the clear. I look great!

This?

This is a happy ending.

- ? Ding ding, round 1 ? - ? Ding ding, round 1 ?

? Now the battle's begun ?

- ? Ding ding, round 2 ? - ? Ding ding, round 2 ?

? Said I'm comin' for you ?

? Ding ding, round 3 ?

? I'm on the ropes, there go my hopes ?

? Ding ding, round 4, I'm on the floor ?

- ? Questa � la vita ? - ? C'est la vie! ?

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: By the damn book!

We got lucky tonight.

This better be a lesson to us.

Let's just try to forget it and we're gonna m--

Did you see that?

Right over there.

Is that Christopher Lambert?

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