Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Deep within the bleak and dismal Gowanus canal,

hidden beneath its murky waters, lies the headquarters of

the most sinister crime collective in New York --

The Doom Factory.

Here, 10 of the most ruthlessly self-involved villains on Earth

loosely align forces against the powers of good.

The cold-hearted ice sculptress, Frigid.

- The toxic tongue of Serpentine. - [ICE SHATTERS]

Oh, look everyone.

Poor little rich girl needs attention.

NARRATOR: Miniature muse Eenie-Meanie

and Gerard the Gorilla.

The watchful Black Maria,

- and Trashenstein, the Exquisite Corpse. - [GROWLS]

- Ultra-violent and Billy Maim. - [FABRIC RIPS]

The feminine-yet-gigantic She-Hemoth

and the bittersweet Hard Candy...

All sycophantic clingers-on

to the evil genius of Wes Warhammer.

Hey, so, um, uh, guys, um...

We should get Dr. Venture.

?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Um...

- Is something supposed to happen here? - Wait for it.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Brock, how long is this little home movie of yours?

- It ain't a movie, Doc. - You're telling me.

It's a threat. It came this morning in this.

So, you thought it was a good idea to just

open up a box marked "Doom!" in my house.

It's hypnotic.

The simple beauty and repetitiveness

really makes you think about the paradoxical immutability

- and plasticity of time. - Ooh! Big college words.

Do you want help tonight or not, loverboy?

- What's tonight? - Hank's got a hot--

Nothing! Uh, Hank's got a... Hank-ering

to, uh... redecorate his room tonight.

Good. You boys stay here in the penthouse tonight.

You, too, Doc. I'm locking her down.

VENTURES: What? Why?

[TIRES SCREECH, LOUD CRASH]

[EXPLOSION]

?

Because of that.

DR. MRS. THE MONARCH: They're walking into a death trap.

We have to call off the Warhammer arch.

Why, exactly?

Because you think the world's laziest super-scientist

has suddenly become a costumed crusader?

Because I know he is.

Watch the surveillance video again.

Venture and Samson run out, and then 20 seconds later,

the Blue Morpho and his big sidekick show up?

Preposterous. There'd be no time for them to change.

Wrong! I can do it in 18.6 seconds. Here, time me.

Uh, no, that won't be necessary, Councilwoman.

- No, really, watch. - Councilwoman.

What's become abundantly clear

is that your husband's unhealthy obsession with Dr. Venture

has started rubbing off on you.

What are you saying?

Maybe you should take a day, Councilwoman.

21: Dude, you gotta get her out of there!

I've been trapped in the Morpho cave for two hours

while she meets with her Jedi Council.

Will you calm down?

I didn't know she'd just commandeer the place.

I was gonna make that my new throne room.

- Just get her outta there! - MONARCH: I will.

[GROWLS]

Hey, sugar-pop, whatcha doing in here?

Nothing, apparently.

There's a rogue villain killer on the loose,

and instead of letting me do my job,

the Council -- in their infinite wisdom --

thinks they can stop him with... posters.

Great! Out of your hands then.

You can take the day off.

- Ooh! - Get you all relaxed.

- Mmm! - Put you in a warm bath...

Magic Monarch hands.

- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] - Oh!

[BOTH MOANING]

Yeah. You are just a tiger today.

What brought this on?

I just... miss you so much.

- HANK: Ahh. - [HORSE WHINNIES]

Is there anything more romantic

than a carriage ride through Central Park?

The wind in your hair.

The smell of horse poop that's in the wind that's in your hair.

Um, okay, so I've waited,

and since you're not gonna say anything about it, clearly,

uh, what is with your outfit?

You-- You don't like it?

It's the-- Isn't it the Bad outfit?

No, this is the good one!

Okay, we're here.

- [BEEP] - We're where?

[LOWERED VOICE] Wing-men! That's the signal.

Mr. White, you're up first.

Seriously, Hank,

we're, like, five blocks from my house right now.

We should just get outta here before my dad sends

one of his goon squad to find me.

All right, this is a holdup!

Gimme your purse, lady!

- [GASPS] Crime! - Come on, come on.

Stand back, Sirena. I've got this.

[BLOWS AIR]

Shoo! Ooh! Shamon!

- Ohh! - Ah!

Please don't hurt me!

Yeah, he'll think twice

before he throws down with Hank Venture again.

[EXHALES] Yeah, impressive.

Can I get that knife for a second?

Little souvenir of the day I saved your life.

Say, do you hear those way out bongo sounds?

?

Hey, Hepcat, mind if I sit one in?

[SNORTS, LAUGHS] Oh, my God, no.

? Sirena ?

? Swam in my life ?

? Sirena ?

? I saved you from a knife ?

? Sirena-- ? Ah, crap.

She's not buying it.

I'm losin' her, Deano.

We're gonna have to scrap the lost baby gag

- and step to phase two. - BILLY: Ugh! Thank you!

I feel like an idiot.

I already secured the reservation.

Brown Widow works at a brasserie downtown

that is tr�s Hank.

We'll rendezvous there. Now go to her, my brother.

Whoa! What are you doin'?

Granted, the song wasn't my best, but--

My dad had me chipped

like I'm a friggin' poodle or some shit,

because he's gotta know where I am

all the friggin' time, I swear to God.

So I just, uh, I dig 'em out when I'm having fun.

That is some whacked out parenting.

Wait. You're having... fun?

BROCK: All right, it's time to wrap it up down there, Doc.

It's gettin' dark.

These Doom creeps are like vampires.

They only arch at night.

So I want you up here, in the panic room in 10 minutes.

Ya hear me, Doc? Ya hear me, Doc?

DOC: Yes, I copy, Brock.

But I can't just drop everything.

My... work is at a very delicate point.

I'm right on the verge of an important breakthrough.

[FLAMES WHOOSH]

Ah! Come on, Doc!

We-- We're on the same dang team here!

9 minutes, Doc. Where are the boys?

I am sworn to secrecy.

- Where are the boys? - Aah! They're in the park!

Some kind of double date or something.

What-- What's goin' on?

Lock the door behind me. Lock it all down.

We got another Level 10 comin' at us.

Ah, jeez. Again?

We just got the floor fixed.

All right. [SIGHS]

Ah, come on.

[SMACK]

What the...

- Oh, hello. - [THUD]

?

[BEEPING STEADILY]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[DING]

- What'd you do to him? - Hey, what'd you do to her?

[WEAPONS CLICK]

Aah!

Aah! Ho!

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

[SPITS] Power suit.

Pussy!

Ho-oh! Buddy, you just brought a knife

- to a directed energy harpoon fight. - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

MONARCH: Sweetie? You up here?

I've got something special for you.

Do I hear a stranger in the barn?

[CHUCKLES]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Why, Miss Betty Joe,

I'm just a field hand looking for work.

My pa won't let me talk to no strangers.

But I get powerful lonely all alone on this farm.

If you wanna sleep in this... hay bale,

- I'm sure my pa-- - [SMACK]

[SNORES]

Ugh. Can't believe I just did that!

I didn't know she was gonna do farmer's daughter. Ah!

I should've shot her after the hay ride! [SIGHS]

All right, what'd you dig up on this Warhammer clown?

All right, I found out all about him.

He and his gang are like

this new breed of post-modern "artsy" villain.

I don't really get it.

It's all a little too "Oh, look at me, I'm so clever"

- for my tastes. - Where's he hide out?

Oh, he's got this sweet underwater lair out in Brooklyn.

You know, Modern Enemy magazine

did a lovely spread on it.

Who cares? The Blue Morpho is taking it down!

Taking it downtown!

Dude, no. I am not killing anyone.

This book I'm reading, it-- it says that I have to keep my--

Oh, will you stop with the P.T.S.D. nonsense!

So you killed a guy. You're a supervillain!

To the Morpho Scooters!

?

[ENGINES START]

- Ah. - [HORN HONKS]

Wait. Wait! How do I--

- [HORN HONKS] - All right.

[BOTH GRUNTING WEARILY]

Hey, you move pretty good for a guy dressed as a water bug.

- Special Forces? - Yeah, Delta.

Where'd you learn that jump thing?

Achilles in Troy.

Ah, the Pitt-ster. Nice.

It's a totally underrated movie.

Yeah, right?

Look, bro,

we can play Rock'em Brock'em robots all night,

but it ain't gonna bring them kids back.

[SIGHS] You got a point.

And my boss'll kill me,

he finds out I lost his daughter.

I figure anyone with the stugots to cross him,

they gotta be some pretty heavy hitters.

So, uh, seein' as we both got a horse in this race,

what do you say, uh, you and me...

Seriously? A team-up?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't gotta go putting labels on this thing.

HANK: All right, my turn.

Okay, were I king, I would outlaw all yellow candy.

Always the worst flavor.

Okay, okay, okay.

Were I king, I would outlaw men in sandals.

No, wait. Sandals with socks!

Wait! Rocco in sandals!

Wait, wait, wait!

Rocco's mother so she could never give birth to Rocco.

You are a just and noble king.

Guess what? We're here.

And I secured the best seat in the house, my liege.

There he is! It's teen sensation Hank Venture!

Shazam! Look at his new gal pal!

How's about a smooch shot for the press, Mr. Venture?

Ugh. Paparazzi. This always happens to me.

Is this place even open, Hank?

I mean, what kind of establishment is this?

It's really dark.

I don't know. It was recommended to me by--

- Hiya! - It's a fucking ninja!

- Ooh! Hiya! - [GRUNTS]

Hal. Welcome to Yumi. Table for two? Kia.

Oh, my God, yes!

Where has this place been all my life?!

?

[SNIFFS] What is the...

[SNIFFS] This has gotta be Hank.

Hank?

[ART ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- [AIR HISSES] - MAN: ? Poor little white girl ?

You're-- No, you're doing it all wrong, darling.

Longer, slower strokes.

Uh... excuse me?

Where did you people come from? Are you friends of Hank?

Hank? What's "Hank?"

Are those the pink ones or the yellow ones?

- [TELEPHONE RINGING] - Wowie zowie!

Are you holding any?

Holding what? Just who are you people?

Doom Factory.

- [GASPS] Oh, no. - ...He's busy.

[GASPING, BREATHING HEAVILY]

Aah!

[GROANS, SIGHS HEAVILY]

Ooh. Aah!

Hi. You must be Rusty.

Brock! Come in, Brock! Code Gre... Aw, damn it.

Wow, it's-- It's so great to finally meet you.

You're really such a beauty.

Please, don't hurt me.

Mm, you're the boss, applesauce.

?

So...

What am I supposed to... do?

Oh, just, um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

You know, be yourself.

That's kinda hard to do.

I mean, being myself would be running out of here screaming

and most likely calling my bodyguard to beat you up,

- So... - [LOWERED VOICE] Um,

ask him if he can, uh... take his shirt off.

Uh, that's great, Doc. Now can you take your shirt off?

It's, uh, it's a onesie.

Yeah, that's fine, go ahead.

[SIGHS HEAVILY] Weirdest... Arching... Ever.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, whoa, whoa. Crack a window there, Marlboro Man.

That thing stinks.

So's your Axe Body Spray.

You want air, I can pop the ejector seat.

?

Hey, uh, so you, like, uh, work for the O.S.I., right?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

So what'd they, like, freeze you in 1979 and just wake you up?

Or are you, like, part of some time travel thing?

I mean the car, the clothes, the music,

this Tennessee top hat.

- [BRAKES SCREECH] - Hey!

Do not touch the hair.

SIRENA: Well, I used to have a blog and stuff,

but my friends thought it was stupid.

But, like, pfft, whatever. Like they're so cool.

I think your friends are the stupid ones.

I bet you were an awesome bloggeress.

Bloggeress, yeah. What's up with the service in this joint?

Where's our waiter already?

- Hai! - Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me?!

- Cool! - Welcome to Yumi. Chi-ay!

Start you with a beverage?

You offended my family and my temple. Fight me, ninja!

- Ninja kick! - Ninja block!

Dude, table three wants their check. Hiya!

What'll you have?

May I recommend the virgin deadly colada?

It comes with a rubber throwing star.

- Sold! - [CHUCKLES] And for...

[CLEARS THROAT] the lady?

Hi, Jared.

Yeah. So...[SIGHS] Hi, Sirena.

Wait you-- You two know each other?

We used to date.

Excuse me? Um, I think "date" is a little inaccurate.

Really? So what was it then?

Just messing around? Friends with benefits?

Are you kidding me right now?

Please just get me a fucking ninja ale, stalker boy, okay?

I don't need this drama.

Chi! I'll... get you those drinks, now.

[GRUNTS] The stink of this place.

How much further is it?!

It should be right around this next bend.

Hey, don't let any of that spray get in your mouth.

- It's got go-- - Aah!

Ugh! [SPITS]

It went in my mouth. [SPITS]

Dead dolphin juice in my mouth.

Dude, that is, like, the least horrible thing in this water.

I don't even want to tell you!

Oh, God. Oh, God! Tell me! What is in here?!

Am I about to get piranha'd to death?

?

[CLANK]

[WINDOW POPS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

Aah!

[GRUNTING]

Aah! Ow! Fuck.

- [GROANS] - Looks like no one's here.

Exactly. While Wes Bore-Hammer and his Doom Dickery

are off arching Venture,

the Blue Morpho and Kano are free to fuck up his lair!

And with no lair, his Guild rank goes down,

I get to cross him off my list,

and wittle 21 don't have to kill no one.

Oh, yeah, thanks for taking my feelings into consideration.

So how's the brilliant Blue Morpho plan to do all that?

Same way I do everything amazing--

By blowing my inheritance.

Maybe something like this?

Or how about if I... [CHUCKLES]

Something like that maybe? More come-hither kittenish?

I defer to your genius. [CHUCKLES]

So what do you think, Wes?

Uh, Wes?

Oh, Wes isn't here. He took off.

What-- Isn't he directing this thing?

MAN: ? He had a cat on her face ?

All right. All right. Pretty good. Pretty neat.

[ART ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

? Coming down for freebase ?

?

? You are my drug hunch, my little.. ?

- WOMAN: All right. Yes. Mm-hmm! - VENTURE: Oh. Hey, Hello again.

- Have either of you seen Wes? - Oh, wow, man. Yeah!

?

Ah, Wes. [CHUCKLES] There's the genius.

Ha, ha.

So, uh, what, are we takin' five here, or, uh...

- MAN: Wes! Hi! - Oh. Hi...

Wait. Wait.

He's already moved on, darling. You're old news.

What are you talking about?

We were just making a movie together.

Ohh. Did he tell you're a beauty? That you're his new muse?

That's what he tells all his marks.

- ? You are my drug... ? - Is that my...

Where are they going with my science things?

They're stealing them, honey!

You're being arched. Remember?

I'm-- I'm... so confused.

Here. You look like you could use a Hank.

[WHOOSH]

Jeez, you're a mess. When did we start doing fake blood?

Eh, it's teriyaki.

The birthday boy at table five's got a nervous tummy.

Ninjas.

- [BEEP] - Why'd it have to be ninjas?

This far south of St. Mark's?

Eh, Wide Wale's gonna be pretty P.O.'d

there's an unsanctioned hive on his turf.

I say we roll in blasting.

- With what? - What are you talking about?

With that heater on your shoulder. What is this, your first day?

Not an option. I don't, uh... It's not...

Ah. Not loaded, is it?

That's, uh, classified.

We had a guy like you in my unit in Afghanistan.

You know, there is a book you should read.

It's called Blood On My Hands.

Just follow my lead, Jersey Shore.

SIRENA: Oh, come on.

So you're not the first good guy I dated. Get over it.

I mean, does it really bother you?

Honestly? What bothers me is...

I have this feeling that maybe you're just using me

to get your dad pissed. There I said it.

Whoa. Blunt.

Um, I mean, is it so weird that I might like you?

Nobody ever made their friends put on weird little skits

to impress me before.

What? That's-- I didn't--

Four different albinos held us up,

lost a fucking cat in a tree, and took our pictures outside.

A-Albinos may, in fact, have deep pack instincts.

That's scientifically, eh, plausible.

It's cute.

I mean, I'm used to guys just wanting to get me drunk

and then mess around.

I don't believe in doing that.

- What do you believe in? - [INHALES DEEPLY]

Well, I believe in the soul, the hangin' curve ball,

pretzel rods, not twists,

the powdery smell of girls' deodorant,

that pets talk to each other when we're not listening.

I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted with clones.

I believe in the sweet spot, magic invisible gnomes,

that cereal is not just or breakfast, but for any meal.

And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses

that last three days --

stopping only to go to the bathroom, uh, obviously.

[CHUCKLES]

You wanna do something crazy?

Sister, you had me at "crazy."

[TAPE RIPPING]

Ah. Are you done yet? I wanna get home and shower.

Aah! My skin is on fire!

Ugh! You-- You need, like, 10 showers.

And probably an aggressive course of antibiotics.

Let's get the hell outta here.

- Race ya. - Dude, don't screw around with that!

Come on. It'll look all badass

if we jump out right when it explodes.

Oh, with the flames all behind us!

To who?! There's nobody here!

We'll know how cool we were.

- [BUTTON CLICKS] - Son of a--

Ah!

[GRUNTS, SHOUTING]

Aah! Aah!

[GRUNTING]

[BOMBS HISS]

Hey, what gives? Where's my big boom?

Huh? Must've been duds. How old are those things?

- [RUMBLING] - Aah! What's happening?!

Dude, I don't know!

- Dude! - Dude!

- Dude! - Dude!

Dude!

Uhh! Aah! What the Fukiya?

Pull your punches, Glenn!

Where are the kids, ninja scum?!

Whoa! Is that a real knife?

Dude, you guys are way off script-- Whoa!

- Wrong answer! - Uhh! [GASPS]

MAN: Back off, tall, dark, and loathsome!

This ninja-themed family restaurant is protected by...

The Brown Widow!

Wait. Family what, now? Whoa, whoa. It's a ninja trick.

They're masters of deception. [WHISPERS] Do not fall for it.

Jared? You're the Brown Widow?

Whoa. I-I thought you were just a struggling actor like me.

I'm both, Justin.

And I'm sorry,

but one improv class does not make you an actor, sir.

Hank Venture and Sirena Ong -- where are they?!

You must be Brock. Dean's told me all about you.

Don't worry. The lovebirds are right here.

Eh-- Son of a ditch!

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Ugh! Uhh!

- [WHIMPERS] - Dean? What're you doing here?

- I was-- - Never mind. Go wait in the car.

Why didn't we get to be ninjas?

?

[SPITS] Ahh.

Oh, I needed that.

Uh, should we be doing this?

No. That's why it's fun!

And my skin's gotta get wet every six hours.

That's part of my, you know, condition.

Are your legs a big fish tail under there now?

[CHUCKLES] I'm not a friggin' mermaid, Hank.

So what're you waiting for, Boy Adventurer?

You gonna just stand there or you gonna dive in?

[SIGHS] Whelp, you're in deep now, Henry Allen.

Ay-yup!

Whoa! Whoa, cold! No!

Sirena! Oh, God! Oh, that's so cold! Why didn't you--

ROCCO: Where are you, Princess? Is he getting rough with you?!

[WHISPERS] Hank, you're gonna get us caught! Shush!

[WHIMPERS]

Mmm.

?

[GRUNTING] Come on!

Aah! Uhh!

- [WHIRRING] - [WHINES, GRUNTS] Aah!

?

DR. VENTURE: So all this -- the silver living room,

the party, the screen test --

it was all just to distract me while you stole my inventions?

Um... yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. And now you're just gonna go?

You're leaving me with nothing?

Um, no. Someone gave me this communicator watch.

Uh, I-I think it was Eenie.

- Yeah, yeah, it was Eenie. - And...

And she said I could talk to God with it,

but... I-I don't have anything to say.

Here, n-now you can talk to God.

Wait a minute. This is my watch. You just spray-painted it gold.

That Eenie's a little thief, is what she is. You all are!

Um... yeah.

[STAIRS CLINKING]

[SPACESHIP WHIRRING]

MONARCH: [GRUNTS] Aah!

- Uhh! - Huh? You again.

Ahem. Good evening, citizen.

[CLICK, EXPLOSION]

Tell me that didn't look awesome!

Fireworks.

?

[GROANS] Uhh!

Huh, what the...

Son of a bitch!

[GROANS] Ah.

Oh, my God, honey! A-Are you okay?

W-What happened?

Blue Morpho!

That fucko was here in our bedroom!

The guy from your poster?

Oh, my God, sweetness, you are lucky to be alive.

- [BEEP] - You don't even know. He...

You were right... uh, Councilwoman.

He struck again.

What do you need to stop him?

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