Original subtitles

QUIZBOY: Just please rethink this.

PETE: Dude, this'll work.

I know these things. I'm a scientist.

A computer scientist.

- This is dangerous! - Trust.

You can't put mouthwash into cookie batter. It's idiotic.

There's, like, fluoride and crap in that.

Fluoride is good for you.

And try to deny

that mint chocolate chip is the best cookie.

Just try.

[RUMBLING]

[ROARS]

To the Quiz Cave!

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS]

[HISSES]

[ROARS]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

I have a massive power flux on all circuits.

Robo-bo! Status update!

St. Cloud has tapped into our power grid.

One more burst, and we'll be fried like southern chicken.

Send a grounded z-pulse through the electrical,

then run diagnostics on the echo.

Configure the kickback waves

to resonate at that frequency.

Let's make him eat his own farts.

Brilliant, sir, but slightly off-putting.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[ROARS]

[GROANS]

Eat it, St. Cloud!

Fools. Will you never learn?

While you wasted your efforts on a harmless monster truck,

I had all the time in the world to steal this from you.

No! The holy of holies.

The source of all our power.

You won't get away with it, St. Cloud.

I just did, Billy. Oh, boo.

It'll be too late to stop me

by the time you find my mountain hideaway.

So... maybe next year.

Maybe no go.

To the Conjectu-Craft!

Uh, hey, uh, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment

first thing in the morning.

Hey, can we do this tomorrow?

Like 10:00, 10:30?

Well... I do a bunch of things I flaked on,

so I'm down for that.

Okay, no, that's cool.

I-I didn't really sleep well last night.

Okay. So, uh...

I will get you, Quizboy -- at a reasonable hour.

Wait -- is that a... piece?

Huh? Piece of what?

[CHUCKLES] No, I mean a gun.

I was attempting to use the vernacular of the streets --

trying out New York Rusty.

Well, that really worked out for you.

Yeah, strict O.S.I. policy.

Congratulations, Doc, you're a top-level client.

What is this, decaf? It tastes like old puddle.

It's Cafix.

I've nervous bowels, and I thought--

[WARBLES]

Ah. Thank you, H.E.L.P.eR.

Uh, what happened to Jbot?

[WARBLES]

Well, hello, handsome. [CHUCKLES]

Look who's on the front page again, Brock.

"C-E-Oh-no.

Second Venture son drives stocks into the ground."

Do you have any real coffee?

What? I'm mixing things up.

Gettin' slappy with this little company

my brother trusted me with.

No reason for stockholders to jump ship.

You fired everybody and started spending.

Can you blame them?

I've big plans for Ven-whatever. But fine.

I don't need a mutiny

because people can't post a picture of their lunch

on tweet-tweet or whatever.

Where's that idiot pirate? I'm sure he knows how to fix this.

Trust me, you don't want him. He's back on tranque.

I... don't want to know what that is.

I'm going out for coffee.

Yeah, this grain beverage isn't cutting it.

I'd rather irritate my bowels.

Get me a coffee, too. And a pirate.

MONARCH: No. I-I--Double no! Extra no!

Cherry-on-top, gold-plated no!

Also... no.

Sweetie, it's not a request.

It's a political and tactical move for the Guild.

- You can't arch Dr. Venture. - But if we--

This Guild thing was supposed to be for our own good!

And now you're stabbing me in the wings!

Once we get the Guild back on its feet,

you can arch Dr. Venture later.

We'll bump up your low arching level and file for some--

Wait-- Low arching level?

Wait-- What level are we at now?

On the books, y-you're a 6.

But that was when you had

over 100 henchmen and a flying cocoon.

So if I were to reassess, I'd go with 3, maybe 4.

3 or 4?!

Come on! Tantrum Rex is a level 4.

Tantrum Rex!

He looks like that

"not the mama, not the mama" baby-dinosaur puppet.

Right, you know that if we want t--

It's not just the arching level.

There are like a dozen villains ahead of you.

Venture is top dog now.

Will you just trust me? I'm on your team.

Why can't you see that?

Oh, I don't know. Because you're in a Guild jacket, maybe?

Yeah, but if you just-- just--

I haven't unpacked my bathrobe.

- See? - That's, like, inappropriate.

[LAUGHS]

There is no way I could stay mad at that.

I've 10 minutes before I leave for assembly.

Make-up sex?

Only if you bump up my level.

And wear the cheerleader outfit?

Deal.

All right, you guys suck. Meeting adjourned.

Way to be totally unprofessional.

MONARCH: Hold on, Pookums.

I forgot something in the kitchen.

Get into her files and get us a list

of who's ahead of me for arching Venture.

I want names, addresses, schedules,

strengths, weaknesses -- the works.

- You have five minutes. - Five minutes? I need more time.

She's putting on the cheerleader outfit!

I can't last more than five minutes.

I know -- I'll pretend I can't find the cleanup towel

and leave her caked in my sticky triumph for a few minutes.

Will that help?

I hate that you tell me this stuff.

[SNORING]

CAPTAIN: Oh, look at this here dangerous situation!

That beastie is a man-eater!

Ye better dart that mighty bear!

And-- And I'd dart the pirate, as well --

for safety!

Dart me for safety!

Do not approach the bear.

We are going to subdue it.

[TRANQUILIZER GUN FIRES] [GROANS]

Hey, hey, hey, don't bogart me fix!

Ohhh!

There you are, me little whore!

Just get on your knees and give the pirate what he wants.

[MOANS]

[CAMERA CLICKS]

PETE: Dude, why are you complicating this?

Why don't we just fly in

and storm his estate with lasers blazing?

One, we don't have lasers to blaze.

Two, I just repaired the Conjectu-Craft

from the last time we did that.

Ugh. Fine.

All right, park it.

You're wasting ionized phosphates.

[CLUNK]

We really need to put wheels on that or something.

I'll use my Quizboy grappling hand!

That's it? It doesn't pull you up?

Where would I hide the pneumatic gears for that?

My arm would be all huge,

like "the man whose arms exploded guy."

- Just climb it. - Ugh.

That was the single most frightening thing

ever aired on TV.

Ow! Ah! O-oh! Dude, stop! Let go! Stop!

- What? - That kills!

This thing is attached to my nerves!

Great design, Billy.

Ehh. I can't get my hand off this thing.

White, what are you doing?

Yeah, hey, it's... Conjectural Technologies.

Can you capture us already?

[BUZZER]

Ta-da. We're in.

Conjectural Technologies!

Here's your coffee, black, and a pirate, unconscious.

Look at him!

Ugh! Get him out of the living room!

He smells like he went to the bathroom on himself.

More like he went to the bathroom on me.

[SLURRING] Oh, you're a talented polar bear --

all up on your hind paws.

Oh, hey, I'm gonna just take a wee hit of this, Mr. Bear.

- That's a real gun, idiot. - [GROANS]

Hank, go find your brother.

I got a, uh, little job for you.

MONARCH: You're 100% sure this is the address?

I mean, what kind of supervillain

lives in Paterson, New Jersey?

Yeah, you're one to talk.

Please. Newark trumps Paterson.

And we have a mansion!

- [DOORBELL RINGS TWICE] - Yeah, yeah, well, just one address

- [MUFFLED COUGH] - for both residence and secret lair.

Maybe the house is made out of a spaceship or something.

[COUGHING VIOLENTLY]

What do you want?

Hello, ma'am. I'm just gonna cut to the chase here.

My name is the Mighty Monarch. This is my Henchman.

Uh, 21... of one.

You are Redusa, supervillain in line to arch Dr. Venture.

So if I could just get your signature

stating that you waive this privilege,

we'll just be on our way.

And our gratitude and this collectable Monarch pen

- [PEN CLICKS] - will be your reward.

I don't know who you are, why you're dressed like that,

or who you think I am,

but you'd better get off my porch before I call the cops.

- [TRANQUILIZER GUN FIRES] - [GROANS]

Well, that worked great.

Drag her inside.

Mousse? I didn't even know they made hair mousse anymore.

You had all morning.

ST. CLOUD: Well, you guys took so long,

I thought I'd freshen up.

Pei! Bring me my soap mitt.

And don't play stupid about the red ball.

I know what it is.

Yes, it's a prop from Duran Duran's

Is There Something I Should Know? video.

Sure it is, Quizboy.

It's not the source of your power

or the key to human history at all.

It's just a red bouncy ball from a video.

Whatevs.

Hey, hey, hey, check it out.

I'm in Flock of Seagulls.

Is that Henrietta Pussycat?

The Henrietta Pussycat from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe?

The same.

Thank you, Pei.

I use her as a shower mitt.

Does that bother you, Quizboy?

It's sacrilege!

That's a priceless artifact,

and a part of our collective childhood, you monster!

Hey, look, look! I'm in The Exploited.

ST. CLOUD: Mmm. She's super-absorbent and so extra-soft.

Aren't you, Henrietta?

"Meow, meow. Yes I am. Meow, meow."

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yes, you are.

Just give us the ball!

No, I've got this whole thing planned for the ball.

I've got a whole set made and everything --

worth the wait.

What, Henrietta? You want to wash me... down there?

Well, by all means.

Please tell me you're not doing

what I think you're doing!

Billy, remember Tool Academy?

[SNARLING, SNORING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[GASPS]

Where am I? Hell?

Or a children's TV show that takes place in hell?

Getting off tranquilizer darts.

For this, you will need one bed -- chained to.

Ladies' shirt -- pirate-sized.

Beef-flavored tomato juice -- two jugs of.

Fruit snack -- 10 feet of.

Coffee cake -- crunchy part of.

Picture of old people dancing.

Sympathetic kitten, television, She's All That DVD.

One bucket for urine, one for feces, one for vomitus.

DEAN: Oh, and one for the kitten.

[MEOWS]

All right, take a seat, son.

Krill? Lots of Omega-3.

- [SNARLS] - No. But thanks.

Looks really-- Are those alive?

Till I crush them in my mouth.

[SMACKS LIPS] So...

You got something for me?

Uh...[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] there was a-a thing.

Hm.

Do I look different to you? Huh?

Bigger, maybe? You know, like, uh, stronger?

No. I mean... Yeah.

You're-- You're a very strong guy.

You've always been strong.

Oh, funny. I-I can lift this without any effort. [CHUCKLES]

Maybe all them Beach Body DVDs are finally paying off.

[LAUGHS]

Because this can't be lighter than usual.

You'd never do that to me, would you?

So it's me, right?

It's Venture. He refused our protection.

I-If he doesn't pay us, we can't pay you.

He refused your protection?

Does he understand what that means?!

Okay! [LAUGHS]

Well... Let's see if the good ship Venture

is a strong and mighty vessel.

She's going on a Nantucket sleigh ride.

[ REDUSA COUGHS DRYLY ]

She's coming to. So, are you gonna kill her?

Me?! I'm not gonna kill her.

Nobody's gonna kill her!

We're gonna just be more persuasive.

Oh, yeah, I'll just offer her another free pen.

How could she refuse a free pen?

I was thinking on my feet. Come on!

Well, now that you have experienced

the power of the Mighty Monarch,

- Oh, where am I? - Let's have that signature, huh, Redusa.

Aah!

- What the-- - Drop!

REDUSA: Kiss my ass!

Aah! [HIGH-PITCHED] That's really ironical.

Aaah!

Ohhhh. Okay, I get her name now.

Don't look at her!

Like that's a problem. She's repulsive.

I've seen Clash of the Titans enough times

to know what goes next.

You know, the Harry Hamlin version, obviously.

Yeah? Try it, fatty.

Explain to the Guild how you, a villain,

killed another villain.

Dude, I have your file.

You never re-upped your Guild membership.

I could pop off your little head legally.

Or... I could leave it on your neck, you go to the Guild,

and tell them you're not interested in Venture.

Look, Venture is a douche, okay?

We're doing you a favor here.

You still get to keep the free pen.

[COUGHS]

[HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABIES WAILING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUMPING, CHAIN JANGLING]

Aw, pally, you're, like, a wicked-bad pirate.

Aah! I'm a good pirate!

Piiirraaate!

[SCREAMS]

No! No, baby!

No! No!

You're an incompetent businessman.

No, chairman! I'm good!

Aah! No, no!

- Pirate. Pirate! - Aaaaaaaah!

I need help with my damn company. Pirate!

- Is that his name? Just Pirate? - Right?

Ooh! Can we name him?

I think "Sir Reginald von Pirate Guy" is cool.

He's not a pet pirate.

[GROANS]

W-W-What is this?

An intervention.

You know what I see?

I see a bunch of people that love you --

love you like crazy --

and they feel like they're losing you.

Eh. Is that me poop in that bucket there?

Very much so.

[BEEPING]

Brock-star, this is Mr. Chin.

Emergency call from Mr. Chin.

Don't do that. Drives me nuts.

So fun!

Oh. I see you're wearing the gun. Impressed.

Yeah. It's not loaded.

Now I'm double impressed.

Anyway, just got wind

of a Level-10 arching coming your way.

Are you kidding me? Already?

- I'm not even set up over here. - Welcome to New York.

Your idiot employer didn't pay off the local talent,

so you're gonna be taught a little lesson.

- Who's the teacher? - Chester Ong.

In the '80s, he worked with his brother Doug,

trying to find a cure for cancer in Cuttlefish DNA.

You know the drill -- experiments on himself,

gets all f-reaky looking, goes into villainy.

He goes by "Wide Wale" these days.

Okay, how fast can I get a scramble?

I need ronins, stun mines, 60 feet of laser fence, at least--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This is going down any moment, my love.

You're in this alone.

[BEEP]

Into the panic room! Everybody! Now!

Yes, we're very impressed with your setup.

My God! Just give your evil speech already!

[CHUCKLES]

See the pyramid?

The time machine from the video?

Yeah, I bought that.

Yes! Just go!

This is the Please Please Tell Me ball --

formed by Marc Botan, inflated by Roxy Music,

its power passed down to every New Romantic band ever since.

It's a prop from an '80s video.

Without this ball,

the New Romantics could never have happened.

Duran Duran would be a jock-rock band.

You're completely nuts!

It's a red rubber ball!

Imagine -- no Spandau Ballet to write If You Leave.

John Hughes is without inspiration,

forcing Molly Ringwald to remain on The Facts of Life.

Her plucky charm propels the show into legend,

allowing Kim Fields

to successfully run for public office.

So tell me, Quizboy, are you prepared

for a world of jocks led by President Tootie?

It's a useless collectible!

Just give us the ball, St. Cloud!

You want the ball?

Here. Take the ball.

Psych!

N-No, no, seriously.

Here. You can have the ball.

Oh, psych!

Could you be any more lame?

Here. I was just kidding.

Ohh! Why did you do that?!

I... uh, reflex?

Reflex is a lonely child who is waiting by the park.

All right, fine! Have the ball!

So, what do you want?

Oh, goody. The denouement.

Well, as you know,

this pyramid is a portal to the Old West.

I'm going to send the ball back in time.

That is, unless you sell me your company,

Conjectural Technologies...

for a single penny.

No. We're talking live rounds and expected casualties.

You're barely a rent-a-cop.

If you want to be technical, I'm barely a tour guide.

This is a flashlight, not a gun.

But I'm all you got.

All you got, sir!

Okay. Fair point.

What do you know about this Wide Wale?

Class Act. One of the Ong brothers, joined the Guild in '87.

Ruthless, but plays it safe.

Runs with about 40 henchmen, 4 private guards, 1 valet.

Since 1995, he's been, uh--

Whoa! How do you know all this?

Brock, I used to be a supervillain,

and I was in the O.S.I.

I can tell you where King Gorilla used to hide his porn.

All right, so, how does Wide Wale move?

Oh, submarine. He takes the old septic and drainage lines.

He'll be coming through the floor most likely --

uh, kind of his thing.

So, what do we got, Sergeant?

Well... Lobby, so, uh,

all you got is the old crap you see lying around,

one overweight tour guide,

and your pistol, that is clearly not loaded.

Went to the zoo today.

When's the last time you went to the zoo?

Jet-powered automated trains, conveyer belts on the streets,

plug-in replaceable kidneys -- that's what I'm talking about.

Not this Angry Birds nonsense my brother did.

Oh, no, I get it.

Ven-Tech just ain't set up for that.

Ven-Tech? This building was my father's.

It's built on my great-grandfather's building.

That's the legacy -- a legacy of super science!

A legacy of looking at tomorrow like it hasn't come yet.

And when it's here, it'll be amazing.

Yeah, but you got to live in reality, Dr. Venture.

You run a corporation.

You got shareholders and products what need updates.

Ye got to pay the bills, Dr. Venture.

Well, why can't you do both?

- Uh, how? - What?

Keep the public face that's already functioning

and set up a team to work on the speculative engineering.

Hm. How about that?

Could work. Yeah. That could work.

Nice work, Dean.

Nice work. Now let's get back to my idea.

Two words -- Moon Circus.

QUIZBOY: If there's no New Romantics,

t-then stuff like Nu Rock woulda happened way earlier.

I mean, Linkin Park and System of a Down woulda formed

in the '80s, and that woulda ruined future hip-hop.

And with no good hip-hop, there's no RZA.

And I lost my virginity to side "A" of Wu-Tang Forever.

We had to do it.

Just think of what your hair would look like.

Well, now we have nothing.

Robo-bo, all our inventions, our home --

all sold to St. Cloud.

All we have is that stupid ball that you think is magic,

because you're a... a dreamer.

Well, this was your dream, too.

Yeah -- was.

White... it is magic.

Why would you doubt that?

It's the Please Please Tell Me ball.

It was all worth it.

We saved the world. We did.

What are we gonna do now, Billy?

BILLY: I don't know.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

HATRED: With their mortal enemies

about to penetrate their secret cave,

- [RUMBLING] - Jonas had to make his move,

pouring an estimated 4 tons of liquid nitrogen

into the river...

[WHALE CRIES]

[HATRED CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, hey, yo, yo, yo! Stop shootin'! Stop shootin'!

Nobody is here.

We got stood up.

What do we do? This is kind of embarrassing.

Why do I feel like it's my fault for some reason?

Right? Like we did something wrong.

Wait, wait. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Shhh.

What is that?

Please let me direct your attention

to the treasure of Churumucuo.

Weighing 30 pounds of Aztec gold,

this mask is considered priceless.

Hey, what are you standing around for, huh?

What, are you looking for the gift shop?

Go get me that mask!

MONARCH: It was pretty cool.

You move like a thin guy, but you're not. You're beefy.

Yeah, this time, I did kick ass.

Up top, my main Henchman.

Yeah, you think Redusa's gonna do what we said?

No, I think she's gonna tattle on me to my wife.

We need another method.

Mr. Monarch, I have to show you something.

Your wife no home, so I wait for you.

You're no going to believe this.

I knew you spoke fucking English!

And then we hit solid steel.

So I sent the workers home because of this.

Get all ready for nutty crazy.

La-da!

I no go inside.

Muy creepy.

Manolo, you're a good man,

even though you lied to me about not speaking English.

Now go home and do not tell anyone about this,

especially my wife.

21: Holy crap! Get down here!

Ugh. It smells like blue cheese down here.

[ECHOING] You have got to be fucking kidding me!

He, uh, took the bait and left?

Now he's got a Tumbaga mask that's mostly copper.

Hell of a plan, Brock.

Hey, uh, how's your back?

- [BACK CRACKS] - [GROANS]

I can't believe how much he weighed.

I think tranquilizers make bodies weigh more.

So, uh, take the cloth elevator down? Buy you a beer?

Well, uh, still an alcoholic, but, uh...

Ah, heck, I'll just go to an extra meeting.

It's on me.

BOTH: One, two, three!

Yeah, well, it was like stealing lilies from a corpse, Badhul.

Yeah, hauled in easily 700 grand in Aztec treasure.

You shoulda been there!

Apparently, we had visitors.

We have been pranked.

Hi-freakin'-larious.

Hey! Shh, shh.

I hear you breathin'.

Who's there? Come on out here!

[ROARS]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

- Good morning, Peter. - [GROANS]

QUIZBOY: Who is it?

It's our archenemy and owner of our life.

QUIZBOY: Tell him to die!

What, you come here for breakfast?

No, I'm just here to inform you that I sold your company

and your miserable hides for a considerable profit.

Oh, wait -- that's gloating, isn't it?

Oh, well. Here's the info.

Ta-ta, losers. Mm.

Ugh. Look at his hips.

I swear that guy takes Estrogen pills.

Pack your bags, White.

We're going to New York City!

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