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[ Knock on door]

Welcome, weary traveler, to Castle Dracula!

The master is resting now.

Would you like a drink of blood?

- What is this? - Blood!

[ Sniffing ] Tomato... blood?

Ketchup and pepsi blood.

Hmm.

The master awakes, and he must feed!

I am the monster that breathing men would kill!

[Transylvanian accent] l am Dracula! Blah.

All right. Well, thank you, boys.

That was, uh... chilling.

HANK: Here it is, the tomb of the mummy.

But be careful.

The path before us is dangerous

and may even be filled with mummies!

What? This is my sock!

What? Gimme that.

Ooooh. Mummy seeks vengeance.

[grunts] Mummy... must kill!

Ah!

Pfft. Ha!

[ Clatter]

What is going on up here?!

[dramatic music plays]

Ugh. Brock, get a bucket of cold water with ammonia

and deal with this.

Then meet me in the tank room.

I got to heat up the slugs!

What was that about?

He is impossible to scare!

[ mouse clicking ]

Working on the haunted bedroom?

Eh, that's baby stuff. We're going out tonight.

Oh, uh, as long as you're here,

I got an e-mail of yours by mistake,

something about that lump you keep talking about?

What?! Let me see that!

What's a malignant... melanoma?

DEAN: Ah!

Oh, it stings when I pee!

I knew I shouldn't have trusted her!

Dean, you get out here this instant!

Eh, Doc, there's a ton of water

dripping from the light socket in the kitchen.

When was the last time you fixed the plumbing in this place?!

Oh, come on! You're kidding!

Boo! Gotcha!

So, this was all just --

Finally! - Happy Halloween, Doc.

[ Up-tempo music plays]

[ Creatures growl, wolf howls ]

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[ Wolf howls ]

It's just a little get-together

with the magical community.

You won't hear a peep, I promise.

Fine, but I want everybody to park their cars

or brooms or whatever outside the gate.

No loud music or chanting or anything, either.

On behalf of the Brimstone Assembly,

I thank you.

Oh, hey, Orpheus.

I figured you'd be in sweatpants

and a wife beater tonight.

That's not appropriate attire.

What we wear on the outside

speaks for who we are on the inside.

No, I mean, like for Halloween.

Oh, yes, an ironic outfit, of course.

That would be jolly.

You know, in my youth I was --

Dermott, go back outside and ring the doorbell.

Oh, hey, Mr. V. Where's Hank?

Go back outside and ring the doorbell.

What, seriously?

You were very hard on that boy.

I have my reasons.

Hank! Dermott's at the door!

[doorbell rings]

Ah, your dad is a dick.

Hey, why aren't you guys dressed?

I thought you said costumes are for little kids,

And then you show up dressed like an enchanted mime!

I'm The Crow! Drink it up, Hank!

And it's not a costume. It's a disguise.

If the cops see us in plain clothes,

we're gonna get hauled in.

Well, why didn't you tell me?!

All right. This will only take a moment.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll take my chances with the police.

A stupid speed suit is enough. Call me dangerous.

- Huh? Loser-say-what? - What?

[ Chuckles ] Exactly.

- What? - HANK: Ready!

What is that, a trash bag?

I'm a bag of Hank!

Bag of stupid.

Or...

California raisin?

ALCHEMIST: I am so glad we're having a party!

This is not a party, Al.

We are charged with the honor of hosting

the 331st meeting of the Brimstone Assembly!

Uh-huh. Sure.

So where do you want me to assemble the chips and dip?

Oh, by my mini fajitas, I think would be nice.

Or with the cheeses, since they are more of an appetizer.

So, then a star goes in the circle?

Jefferson, this isn't "The Craft."

ALCHEMIST: Well if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk,

And you'd be Rachel True.

- Which one is she? - Hmm, guess.

We are not "The Craft,"

and we don't put a star in the center.

We have a square representing perfection

inside a circle representing unity

inside a triangle representing simplicity.

Simplicity would be a star in the middle.

This right here's confusing. Somebody else do this.

[doorbell rings]

Ugh, I'm boiling in here!

Will you just take off your cloak?!

Take off your attitude!

I have to keep my red power mantle on!

[ Door opens ]

Hey, you guys are early. So just --

What the fuck is that? Seriously.

Oh, so it's okay when you do it,

but when I do it, I'm a racist!

What the --

We're merely in the guise of the two-headed man.

I'm Mr. Rosey Grier.

Well, that's kind of my fault.

I told him it was a costume party

because he simply refused to attend

when I told him it was a magic gathering.

- Yes! I find those trading-card games very confusing.

DERMOTT: Gentlemen, get ready for project mayhem.

Got everything we'll need. Shaving cream --

Finally! Dean, and I'm trying to be sensitive here,

but it's about time

we wiped that chocolate milk off your face.

You're packing a sad teen-stache there.

DERMOTT: No, dill hole, it's for spraying on cars and stuff!

Rotten eggs.

Yeah, I buried these in my backyard for over a month,

and they totally smell like dead dog fart by now.

[ Muffled gag ]

I'm impressed with your foresight.

And I got a full multipack of ass wipe for trees and bushes.

What did you guys bring?

Dermott. Sweet, sweet, naive Dermott.

I brought with me the only thing you haven't prepared for --

a better idea.

The coup de grace, the crown on the head of Halloween pranks!

Oh-ho, I like where you're going.

All right. What's the idea?

A night in a real haunted house.

Old Man Potter?

And Bingo was his name-o.

No way. Count me out.

Dad said we should never go over there.

[mockingly] Oh, my dad said I could never go.

Boo, hoo, hoo, I'm Dean.

Dean, we are men old enough to grow hair on our balls!

Now it's time we use 'em

before something else grows on 'em!

Yeah, go home, put on the Kidz Bop version of "Thriller,"

then watch the Peanuts special like every year.

BOTH: Go, Team Venture.

No! Fine, I'm going with you guys.

I'll show you who the real babies are!

What are these, king size?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We hand out fun size here, Hatred.

Doc, we are 15 miles from the nearest house.

We got an electric fence,

motion-sensitive laser defense modules.

If a kid makes it to that front door,

they're getting the big candy bar!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

DRAGOON: Just fill it for me.

I literally need a hand here.

No! No drinking.

I'm the one who has to hold your hair while you throw up!

I can hold our liquor, sir!

The last time you did this, you vomited for a solid hour!

I swear I saw a license plate come up.

It was like we were gutting a tiger shark!

He had his ribs removed so he could just bend over

and enjoy his own... you know.

Well, that's what I heard, anyway.

Marilyn Manson? Are you sure?

I heard it was Cher that had the ribs removed.

Why would she -- Cher doesn't even have a... you know.

I have yet to meet a woman

that doesn't dress sexy on Halloween.

Witch? No, sir -- sexy witch.

Freddie Krueger? Nope -- sexy Freddie Krueger.

Hm. Sexy damn Freddie Krueger.

ORPHEUS: All ye of magical disciplines,

the curtain to the netherworld is threadbare!

The veil need not be lifted.

On this night, we need only to peer through it.

May all who enter this circle harness this sauin

and may their magic be true!

Welcome to the Brimstone Assembly!

[all cheer]

[doorbell rings]

HATRED: Oh-ho-ho, ye of little faith!

- I owe you 5 bucks. - Knew it!

Those lasers have a dilly of a time

hitting small things.

BOTH: Trick or treat!

Oh, Pete and Billy don't count.

No payout. - Fine, no payout.

What are you guys?

I'm the thinner, whiter Duke.

And I'm Rusty Venture, boy adventurer.

That's more disturbing than flattering.

Ohh, king size!

Pfft, last year, Doc gave us a little thing of smarties

to split between the both of us!

Wanna double the wager?

Oh, I'll triple it!

[doorbell rings]

Why are you still here?

We came to hang out with you guys.

With the weight of a plume...

As inflexible as cut timber...

BOTH: We raise aloft.

[all gasp]

[applause]

Oh, that is the work of the devil!

That is the work of a teenage girl's sleepover!

[owl hoots, crickets chirping]

DERMOTT: So, uh, is Old Man Potter,

like, some sort of a child murderer or something cool?

No idea. My pop just told us our whole life

to keep away from the Potter place.

Never said why.

He probably skins children

and makes shoes out of 'em or something.

Man, I never knew this place was here.

I'm pretty sure this is all part of our property.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure it is, Richie Rich.

Well, you know, since you own it,

why don't you go inside first?

Why don't you?

- 1, 2, 3. - BOTH: Not it!

Not it. You know what? Fine.

I-It's just an old house anyway.

Gimme the flashlight.

DERMOTT: ls he brave or stupid?

Mm, I think he just wants to be alone.

[ Wood creaks ]

Hello? [ spitting ]

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

Hello?

All right. Screw this. It's been long enough.

[grunts]

- Aah! - [ roars ]

Aah! Aah! Yah!

MAN: No acrofrontofacionasal dysostosis

with comorbid idiopathic hirsutism

In the orbital region,

yet clear early stage androgenic alopecia.

Poor little bastard. Probably a genetic source,

as the testosterone balance seems adequate,

judging from the near lanugo facial display.

Eh, pupillary response good.

The subject is free of any fetiform teratoma

and appears to have normal heart and lung function.

It's an impressive bag of meat, this one.

Wait, no, d-- get out of there!

We do not smell balls, Reco!

Bad boy! Down!

[applause]

Well, that was... a... nice try.

Ohh. It usually works.

Serves you right, you blasphemer!

ORPHEUS: Well, that was a nice attempt

at a conjuring by our friend Chris.

Curse! Not Chris -- it's Curse!

And now we have Red Mantle,

one of the oldest members of The Brimstone Assembly

with his, uh, ah, his, uh --

Twist on a classic!

You gonna play the banjo while he sings "mammy"?

- DRAGOON: No! I'm Rosy Grier. - RED MANTLE: I will, if you all

concentrate with me and harness the spirits...

DRAGOON: He didn't tell me about this Easy Bake Coven he's a part of.

RED MANTLE: ...that roam free on this All Hallows Eve,

attempt to pull a rabbit from this hat!

So, where's the twist, Bullwinkle?

I'm actually gonna do it!

Actually pull a rabbit from this hat!

There's nothing up my sleeves or anything!

- That's what they all say. - No, seriously!

I'm going to do it for real! It's really hard!

Oh, uh, that's what she said!

Oh, she said nothing of the sort!

[crickets chirping ]

DOC: Come on. BILLY: Come on. Come on. Come on!

[ laser sentries beeping ]

HATRED: Ehh, no.

DOC: Ohh, so close.

10 more feet, and I would've won.

I'm telling you, they're way better off without parents.

Those lasers just pick 'em right off.

I had my money on electric fence.

Who had laser sentry? - I had lasers!

Oh, that is 10 bucks from each of you.

Rust, what the hell is this, cola and tomato soup?

Close. It's ketchup and bourbon.

I call it a Hunchback.

Hank gave me the idea a long time ago.

[ Coyote howls ]

DERMOTT: Nah, the pretzel part is lame.

It's really those little pumpernickel slices that are --

Wrong. It's -- it's the actual cereal pieces.

[chuckling ] Oh, my god, when they're filled

with that big hunk of flavor stuff?

Precisely! Those are the best part!

Oh, totally.

- Should we go get him? - You wanna get Chex Mix?

No, get him. Get Dean. He's been in there forever.

No way. He's going for it.

A night in a haunted house?

Come on, freaking classic!

It's the only cool thing he's ever done.

Huh?

What's those -- what's going on?

Oh, you're awake. Finally.

You've been out for an hour

on one hit of chloroform, lightweight.

Eh, your brother's the same thing --

sleeps like 10 hours a day

ever since you stopped with the learning beds.

What's going on here? How do you know that?

I've been watching you your whole life,

since you were born, and every time after that.

- What are you, a perv? - Heh, hardly.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Your dad never told you about me?

He just said to stay away from the Potter house.

Who the fuck is Potter? My name's Ben.

Wait, did he say stay away from Potter's field?

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, that makes sense.

That whole field out there? Mass grave.

Between your grandpap and your old man,

there's been hundreds of people killed on your property.

All of 'em are buried out there.

They call those Potter's fields, but I ain't Potter.

I'm Ben.

- [ Chatters ] - Oh, gross!

Come on! Get that thing off me!

Reco, what -- what is your problem?!

[screeches, grunts ]

Yeah, looks like Reco likes you --

or your balls at least.

- What the hell was that? - Oh, Reco?

Recombinant lusus naturae.

That's his full, fancy name.

He's not used to guests. I don't know what's up with him.

Listen, Mister. Can you just let me down?

I won't hurt you or anything. I promise.

No. No, no, no. Of course.

Oh, you're not a prisoner or nothing.

Nah, I just wanted to see how you turned out.

You're a damn miracle!

You got the onset of ocular degradation, but I think

you'll look good in Buddy Holly glasses or something.

Why do you care how I turned out?

I care because...

well, I guess you could say that I care...

because I brought you into this world.

OUTRIDER: Almost got it! [chuckles]

The blue side keeps getting messed up

when I do the red side.

Submit to desire.

I offer you ultimate pleasure.

Your thirst. Your lust is hunger.

Submit to my toast --

my pleasure toast.

You hunger for it.

Wait! Now I've got it! Look, all sides!

Aah.

[sighs] Super, well, ta-da!

[applause]

JEFFERSON: Oh, man. I'm glad we're back.

- Are they done? - Yes, finally.

- That was horrible! - Oh, ungodly blasphemers!

No, here I agree with you. That was way too kinky!

Well, I certainly hope that kind of magic

does not occur in their home,

what with them raising my child!

Oh, you old fuddy-duddy. Let it go!

Go outside and cool off.

[ Breathes deeply]

Now, huh, let us welcome your favorite seeker of truth,

The Alchemist. [applause]

Thank you. You're very generous.

Okay, news flash! This is completely lame!

It's Halloween, people!

Let's get down to some raisin' of the dead!

Let's make some zombies, huh?!

Am I wrong?!

You are wrong, and you are a dark-sided blasphemer!

Ah, anyone besides Al Jolson?

Okay! Let's get it on!

[sighs]

DERMOTT: All right. Yeah. I see the belt.

But the hunter part is, like, it's a bunch of stars.

Yeah, it's a stretch, I know.

[sniffs] Aw, dude! Did you just SBD?

Oh, yeah -- 100%.

I am baking brownies in the back door.

I don't know what's going on.

Aw, aw, huh, oh! It smells just like food!

Hey, uh, Hank, you want a cupcake?

- Why, you got one? - [farts] Cupcake.

[gags,coughs] Knock it off!

You said you wanted a cupcake!

Oh! [thud]

Oh, hey. Dude, what are you doing?

What? Nothing.

[ Muffled roar]

[stammering]

DERMOTT: Whoa!

HANK: [stammering]

Whoa! Whoa! Move, dude!

HANK: Super fuckin' run away!

- [ Gasping] - BEN: Dean, calm down, will ya?

You're taking this all wrong. - Wrong?!

You're telling me I'm a clone, that I'm not even Dean,

that I'm some stupid science experiment!

How do you want me to take it'?!

No, come on. No, no, no. You're Dean.

There's no other Dean. You're it, flesh and blood.

Look, I was conceived in the backseat of a Packard.

You were conceived in a tank. So what?

So I have no mommy, no nothing?!

Dean, you have it all wrong.

You have a mommy, and your dad is your dad.

They made you by getting drunk

and forgetting to wear a condom, like everybody else.

And your dad loved you so much

that when you got a boo-boo, he kissed it

and made it all better and made it go away.

You brought me back to life!

Yeah, okay. Well, you and your brother had

some pretty big boo-boos.

I'm freakin' Frankenstein --

I mean, Frankenstein's monster... whatever!

You can't play God!

Will you knock it off?

We didn't make you from a lotus flower, Dean.

We made you from you.

It's just... it's just so wrong!

Have a kid one day, Dean.

Hold its lifeless body in your arms,

and then tell me how wrong it is.

Your grandpap and I perfected genetic engineering

because God or whatever gave us a perfect map to do so.

Jonas, me, and, yes, your dad saw it

as nothing more than a fuckin' band-aid

for a really big boo-boo.

Hey, you -- you want a beer?

I think I do.

Don't tell your dad.

[zombies growling]

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[bells jingling]

[zombies scream ]

- They're gonna make it. - Oh, man!

I am the only one who has money on this!

This is gonna be a massive payout!

Oh, don't start counting it yet.

They have two more sentries left,

and that pirate looks pretty tall.

Come on, kid! Jump around a little!

No, you stay nice and steady.

Straight line between you and the candy.

Nice... and... straight.

[doorbell rings] - HATRED: Yeah!

- BILLY: Amazing! - DOC: Oh, that's insane!

ALL: Trick or treat!

You are the luckiest kids ever!

- [all gasp] - Greetings shitheads.

What's going on?

Bow down, you buffoons! That's The Master!

Ah, it's about damn time!

Hello. You all know me. I live in many of your closets.

And guess what?

You dinks have forced me out of the closet.

- You go, girl! - Solidarity, my brother!

My master, why have you chosen the form

of Father Christmas?

Oh, I'm sorry. Should I have chosen The Halloween Ferret?

Not a lot of options here, pal.

You're not Santa! You are the devil!

How dare -- ohh...

Red Mantle, you know better than bringing a normal here,

even if he is wearing black. That's not cool.

I didn't want to miss the party.

You know what? The party's over, okay?

I just had to put hundreds of zombies back in the ground.

You've lost the true meaning of Christmas.

This is the day that a baby was born

to remind us that we shouldn't raise an army of dead guys

just because we can!

[ Breathes deeply]

KIDS: Trick or treat!

Oh, well! Look at you!

Oh, my.

Ah, could you wait here momentarily?

I have some delicious hors d'oeuvres inside.

Oh, hey, Orpheus. You missed all the fun.

Your idiot friends had the great idea

to reanimate a graveyard.

- Isn't that neat? - Not neat!

There are children walking the streets!

I'm so disappointed in all of you!

Ooh, I smell a lecture.

Okay, okay, take it easy on 'em.

They didn't know that daddy keeps bullets in his gun.

I will, my master.

You're my best pupil and all that crap.

- Thank you, my master.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a good night.

Ho, ho, ho!

Uh, hey. Super sorry, Orpheus.

We just got, you know, swept up in the Halloween spirit.

That is not the spirit of Halloween.

This is a night of true magic.

Halloween is the night we discover who we are.

Are we people who make zombie armies?

Are we those who condemn others?

Or are we beautiful children in resplendent costumes

collecting candy?

Are our choices in costumes provocative?

Do we dress up as our ideal self?

Or are we not ready to decide what to be?

Dude, knock it off!

Do you see it now?

We use this one enchanted night

to perform the greatest feat of magic there is.

We become ourselves.

Halloween is the true magic.

It is the night we discover who we really are!

[ up-tempo music plays ]

[birds chirping]

Hey. I thought you died.

Well, wouldn't be the first time.

So, where's Dermott?

He's watching the "Twilight Zone" marathon

with the grown-ups.

So, what happened in the Potter house?

- I learned something. - Something scary?

Well...

W-What?

I guess, um...

I learned that...

beer tastes like pee-pee.

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