Original subtitles

DOC: All right, people.

I don't have to tell you how important this mission is.

The targets should already be familiar to you all,

as should your assigned roles.

My assistant is distributing your final itineraries,

and some of the details have changed, so let's review.

Samson?

Transportation.

- Have you acquired a vehicle yet? - Affirmative.

S.P.H.I.N.X. commandeered a limo on our last job in Paraguay.

Perfect.

And, uh, good to have you back, Samson.

- Hatred? - Security! I'm to secure the--

Sergeant, what the hell's going on with your face?

You like it? It's a big "v!"

So, what are you -- "Sergeant Vatred" now?

Nah, it stands for "Venture."

I had the others removed --

all except the for "D," 'cause, let me tell you,

that is a tender vittles down there.

- White? - Aural enhancement.

- Where's your equipment? - This is all I need.

- Orpheus? - Refreshments.

Now, I've acquired the recipe

for an enchanting sort of spiced fruit punch--

Non-alcoholic, I presume.

Of course.

And for hors d'oeuvres, we have vegan spring rolls.

Vegan?!

Come on, Orpheus! Get with the program!

I want to see pigs in blankets.

I want to hear fajitas sizzling, comprende?

And I got to have my baked clams -- got to.

Al?

Decorating committee -- big surprise.

- Status? - Single but looking.

Of the decorations.

You got to give me a bigger budget here.

Uh, submit a petty-cash request to my assistant.

Billy, make sure you get receipts. Twilight?

Custodian?! You got to be kidding me.

All right, people. We launch at 2100 hours.

Synchronize watches.

At my mark, it'll be 17:01.

No, 17:02, 17:03, 17:04--

Wait, that's way too fast.

Oh, I had it in stopwatch mode.

Okay, the time is now... Tetris?

Never mind.

Everyone just be dressed and ready in like an hour, okay?

Any questions? Yes, Dean?

Um, what's our mission?

Your mission?

Your mission is to have

the best Goddamn home-school prom

$500 can buy!

SKY PILOT: Gaw!

It's like trying to drive a green machine

made out of cement.

Why didn't we just take one of the jets?

'Cause if we're about to get in a pissing contest

with the O.S.I.,

I want to be holding the biggest pud we've got.

So, you nervous about going back?

Why should I be?

It'll be like all reunions,

except this homecoming queen got fat

on red tape and bureaucratic Big Macs.

And she can have you executed for treason.

Not while we're hanging on to the star quarterback.

Still, this is really kind of nice.

What is?

You know, just doing a mission with you.

You usually bring Brock and Shoreleave.

Well, they have their own mission, so--

And, yeah, I'll say it -- it hurts sometimes.

But this -- this is nice.

Eyes on the road, Mr. Sensitive.

Zip up that damn jump suit!

[BEEPING]

Coming up on O.S.I. base.

All right. Close enough.

We still don't know if this is a trap.

Oh, come on.

Some of the younglings have never even seen her.

All right, fine!

Come and sit on daddy's lap, kiddies.

I give you the O.S.I. Hover-quarters.

Wow.

Never seen nothing that big.

It's beautiful.

A city in the clouds.

All right, you had your eyeful.

Pop the cloak and circle at a safe distance

'til I radio the all-clear.

Circle?

It's like I'm driving a flying housing project.

I could maybe octagon.

WHITE: Set. Set. Check.

Check one. Check. Tisdale.

Ashley Tisdale. Check.

Wait, you're playing the Fun Boy Three version

of Our Lips are Sealed?

Ah, the Go-Go's are a little stale.

Oh, and Fun Boy Three is springtime fresh?

Plus, it's depressing. It's a prom, not a funeral.

All right.

Just for that, I'm not gonna play Push It.

But our dance!

We've been rehearsing all week!

ORPHEUS: Ooh!

An ice sculpture shaped like our young graduates.

- How marvelous. - Al's idea.

But guess who had to shell out two big ones

for 20 gallons of frozen water, hmm?

Water!

Oh, don't bother spiking the punch.

Been there, done that -- cr�me de menthe.

- Ugh. Really? - Why? What are you holding?

- A little sambuca. - Oh, hell, put it in.

The more, the merrier, I say.

Just don't let Hatred catch you.

No, you're clear. He's outside.

He, uh, said we had a security breach.

That's it?

You're just gonna bury my skull here

and declare this meeting of The Midnight Society closed?

It's not gonna work.

It's symbolism, you pus-nut!

I have to convince myself you're dead because you are killing me!

I can't even masturbate anymore.

Every time I bring out the lotion, it's "poof" --

"Err, hey, bud. Gonna rub one out, were you?"

Dude, if you solve my murder,

I-I'll probably go away.

I've been checking names off your "Eye for an I" list, so...

I've been checking off names!

That's probably me as you,

because you're dead, and I am crazy.

Damn it!

[STAMMERING]

Knock it off! I'm bodyguarding here!

And I'm securing the perimeter of S.P.H.I.N.X. headquarters.

You broke my new scope!

Scope? You pansy!

I got a bead on you and chubs over there.

I can't believe you need a scope.

I don't need one!

All right, smart guy! See those wings?

Watch this.

Hey, I found something.

The remote detonator!

Just as Mr. Wendal foretold.

So wise.

Now you can get the prints off of it

and finally solve the mystery.

- Yay! - Uh, it's not a remote.

It's a Matchbox dune buggy.

Mm, better than the van one.

What kind of douche makes up family-van adventures?

I had a green Mercury station wagon

with two schnauzers in the backseat --

lamest Matchbox car ever.

What was that?!

Nice shot, Grandma.

Why don't you just run down there and toss the bullet at him?

It was just a warning shot over the bow!

Yeah. Sure, it was.

Maybe you could hit the gigantic orange wings

if he wasn't wearing them.

Oh, crap. My ear's bleeding.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what the fuck?

Ungh! Double up -- ungh, ungh!

Psh! Lucky shot.

Okay, keep an eye on them boots of his.

I don't know.

Maybe the metal corroded or som-- Whoa!

Aah!

Wait, what am I doing? I'm already dead.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

And beautiful.

Here, hon.

Get one with Dean pinning the corsage on her, will you?

I'm gonna have a word with the father.

Hey, how the heck are you?

I'm the Outrider -- Triana's stepdad.

You must be Dr. Venture.

Nope, just the bodyg-- Uh, the driver.

Uh, run into a little, uh, trouble on the way, did you?

Classified.

Look, you got nothing to worry about, Cowboy Dracula.

This heap's totally bulletproof.

Your stepdaughter's perfectly safe with us,

as long as she doesn't open the sunroof

while violating certain international treaties.

- [METAL CLANKS] - Hey, you!

What are you doing here?

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hey, starry eyes.

I just had to come see my girl off in that lovely dress.

You look just like a princess.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Oh, I want you to meet Dean, my friend from back home.

Dean, this is my boyfriend, Raven.

[ECHOING] Boyfriend.

Aah!

Are you okay, bro?

[SCOFFS] Are you?!

Oh shit!

Whoa! Where'd you get the mouth?

You like that?

Yeah, thought I'd drop a little "new Hank" on you.

New Hank cusses.

[DIALING]

Oh, man, this is just wrong, Rusty.

Did you have a date to your prom?

I was a boy genius.

I was the only 12-year-old at my prom,

so my date was my mother.

Mine was worse.

My prom date was to have been Ms. Linda Lovelace.

- Deep Throat Linda Lovelace? - The same.

She, of course, by that time was

a vocal anti-pornography advocate -- thanks, Dad --

and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.

Was she hot?

[SCOFFS]

Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day.

Oh, hello?

Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores, please.

Fine, escorts.

Yes, I think I'll go for full service.

[CHUCKLES] Sure, I'll hold.

Anyway, because my dad brought like

10 Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date,

he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry,

"way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman

who called me "Little Half-man."

Better than having your mom as your date.

It got worse.

No shit, I ended the night slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR.

H.E.L.P.eR.

Yes?

Oh, Lord, no. That's way too expensive.

Uh, what about half-service?

What about just a good-night kiss?

On the lips? Cheek? Just a hug?

Okay, four of that, two at half-service.

Wait. What?!

Just ask them!

I'll pay extra!

[GROANS]

Do you have costumes?

- Hawkwoman. - Girl!

Hawkgirl?

What's going on here?

Cleaning?

What is this?

Uh, a Christmas list?

"Ventures," "Brock"?

Even you idiots are on this list a-and I'm not?

Give me that pen!

Where's 21?

He gave us $20 not to tell you

he went to the Venture compound.

The Venture compound?!

You want us to find him?

Torture him?

Cut out his eyes?

Then pee in the empty sockets?

Aw, you want us to take a whiz all over his brain?!

What is wrong with you two?!

No, I don't want you to piss on him, you sickos!

21, unlike you weasels, is loyal.

If he's at the Venture compound,

I guarantee he's got a good reason.

SHORELEAVE: Uppies!

Let's go, you little prowler.

Come on. Wakey, wakey.

[COUGHS]

[GROANS] What happened?

Oh, you got smacked in the flak jacket.

Hurts like a bitch, don't it?

Uh, let me guess -- S.P.H.I.N.X. headquarters?

Was it the giant S.P.H.I.N.X.?

No, place smells like out-of-work O.S.I. "D"-bags.

I love it when you get all toughie-pants.

Whoops! Oh, I think I'm chubbing up.

Whoa!

Wait, you guys are the ones that kidnapped Monstroso?

S.P.H.I.N.X.!

Aw, the Guild index is lit up over that guy.

I can't believe you're holding him here.

Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.

Being clever?

No, tough guy, we're running a Monstroso shell game,

and I'm not sure where the red queen is.

Decoys?

Aw, man, we never do cool crap like that

with the Monarch crew.

Uh, because you guys suck.

Hey, guess what -- brain-shampoo time.

Gonna wash that man right out of your hair.

You will not remember a thing.

Intruder at the front gate.

The S.P.H.I.N.X. has spoken.

There's 15 of them.

Or maybe 13 and a fatty boom-ba-latty.

S.P.H.I.N.X. team, assemble!

Really?

Okay, where is everybody?

Agent Samson's driving a limo,

and everyone else is on Operation Double Dumbo Drop

- with Colonel Gathers, sir! - Great.

Anywho, we have a level-two siege at the front gates.

You, rookie! Stay here and watch the big man.

Everyone else, grab a weapon and a snack and follow me!

Coming?

- Really? - Yeah, I'm short-staffed.

Well, if you want, I can kill you,

unless you have a poison tooth or something fancier.

I'm Monarch crew -- if we get captured,

our orders are not to tattle on the Monarch.

- That is it. - Then suit up, chubs.

[WHISTLING]

TRIANA: Okay. So, I had the table floating

like a foot above the ground, right?

Then Raven goes, "Did you see the guy's face?"

So I look over, and the other neophyte

is lifting the chair!

Isn't that hilarious?

[RINGTONE PLAYS]

[CHUCKLES] Raven. He checks up on me.

[CHUCKLES] A little clingy, isn't he?

And look -- he already tweeted that picture of us.

So, um, how come your girlfriend couldn't come tonight?

What's her name?

Uh, Tracy. She had to work late.

I thought the mall closed at 9:00.

And she had to go to her grandmama's house after

'cause she's sick with mange.

Uh, i-it's real nice of you to cover for her, though.

Of course, Dean.

What are friends for?

[CRASH]

Oh, hell, no! Not this crap again!

Ah. Your carriage awaits, m'lady.

Ready to whisk you away

to an evening of prom enchantment!

I am not in the mood for this.

I'm just your Goddamn postal carrier, you got it?

We both know the score, pretty mama.

Don't fight this crazy love.

Boy, I'm 46, okay?

I have two sons that are older than you.

Age ain't nothing but a number, baby.

And isn't it high time those boys met mommy's new beau?

Hmph.

Can't believe you had them nozzle me.

You're lucky we didn't throw you in the brig.

You got a lot of nerve showing your mug back here.

Yeah, yeah.

What the hell happened here?!

That's none of your concern, Mr. Gathers.

That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder,

and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.

God-Emperor Doe.

Listen, you might be king shit

of the make-believe brigade,

but you don't got rank in the O.S.I. anymore, savvy?

Oh! Hey! I'm in here!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Come!

Ah! Huh!

The prodigal son returns.

Take a load off, boy.

Hmm.

With my back to the door in the bending bamboo seat?

- Nice try. - Aha.

Caught me tryin' to get all feng shui on you.

Good eye, son.

Take five, boys.

Now, let's get down to brass ticky-tacks.

You're only standing here sucking my oxygen

because your little S.P.H.I.N.X. outfit

took something rightfully belongs to the O.S.I.

What's that -- your top agents,

a cool 40 mil of the agency's slush fund?

Now, don't get wise, boy!

You know dang well I'm talkin' about Monstroso!

That plus-sized Hans Brinker's got his thumbs

all stuck up in the Guild's Christmas pie.

That makes whatever plums he pulls out --

"ploink!" -- O.S.I. bidness.

Little Jack Homer.

Hans Brinker's thumb was, uh, stuck in a dyke.

Son, whatever depravity you get up to on your own time

is between you and your living god.

What I want to know is where this Monstroso's at.

He's someplace safe

'til I give my men word that I am satisfied.

So, it's a negotiation, huh?

All right!

I'll wrestle you for 'em!

[GRUNTS]

Oh, you can have him, you old son of a grizzly bear!

We want a couple things in return.

- [GRUNTS] - Then you better wrestle!

We want our names cleared from the O.S.I. wanted list --

full clemency.

And we want your sad-ass undercover agents

to stop trying to infiltrate our group.

Frankly, we're tired of killing them,

and we can't afford the body bags!

Now yield!

Piss off, crap-o!

Say it, you unconscionable bastard!

Uncle! Uncle!

God damn it! Uncle!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Whoo!

There's one more thing.

Best of three.

No, no. This one's a freebie.

Couple of days ago, we jacked Monstroso up

with enough sodium pentothal

to make an elephant tell us where his graveyard is.

And once we peeled him off the ducts

and got him to stop singing Climb Every Mountain,

he laid some hot pillow talk on us --

vis-a-vis Guild moles working inside the O.S.I.

Why, you.. little... punk!

O.S.I. is clean as a whistle!

- Ugh! - [BEEPING]

You're making me angry now, boy!

You wouldn't like me when I'm-- Ugh!

General? G-General?!

Get the hell away from me, boy!

Hey! Step away from the general!

Hey, now, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I had nothing to do with this!

Did you buzz them already?

Prom gig, huh? [CHUCKLES]

You guys play covers or originals?

Love the hoods, guys -- very Slipknot.

The associates -- Monstroso's men.

Who's the pudgy guy with them?

Great. Al's in there.

Oh, but how cute is that kilt?

He's like a little Braveheart.

I can take them from the side.

There's a part of the fence that has less voltage.

It's like a little tickle.

Plus, I have a canister of tear gas

hidden in that tree over there.

Oh, you really have this crap down.

I've been storming this place since the '90s.

All right, signal me when we bounce.

Watch out for the cutie in the kilt.

He's one of the good guys.

Dude, I'm not a good guy.

Oh, yes, you are. Now scoot!

Well, The Quymn Twins said "stop calling us,"

so I guess I'm still stuck going stag.

Hey, uh, you still talk to your friend

with the pipe cleaners in her hair?

Oh, Kim?

Oh, she started hanging out with the preppies.

Next thing you know, she's, like,

in rehab in Florida somewhere.

She's all, like, Christian-y now.

So, she's probably free tonight?

Tracy's grandma lives in Florida.

Come on! Ugh! Friggin'!

Aw, come on, you friggin' piece of garbage!

Ho-ho, nice!

Which one of you is the bride?

It's not a wedding. It's home-school prom today.

Pfft!

That's like the only thing gayer than a regular prom.

Where you having it -- in those weird beds of yours?

No, in the hangar. You want to come?

Can, uh, Shallow Gravy play?

- Please, no. - Oh, God no.

- Yeah! Great ideal - Sweet.

But we got to stop so I can change and get the fog machine.

Sweet!

Now I got a date!

That was excellent!

Oh, my God!

I've never worked with guys that can actually do stuff.

That was so sweet! So sweet!

Thanks for the assist. Loved the fireball.

Concentrated energy.

I can do that with my hands. Got a prom date?

You asking?

Great.

I'm gone, and you guys get all the action.

Hey, Gary! You coming to my prom?

Hey. You want me to?

You're not gonna do anything stupid, are you?

SHORELEAVE: He's cool.

Hatred shot him in the breadbasket,

and he still fought like a chubby little tiger

for Team S.P.H.I.N.X..

All right, but keep an eye on him.

Dude! Where you going?!

What, you'd rather hang out with those guys instead of me?

Flatleaver!

24?

Wha-- I'd know that voice anywhere.

38? Is that you?

Holy crap, man!

Long time, no-- 21!

This guy used to hench for the Monarch!

I can't believe it's really you.

I heard a rumor you died.

38, it's not a rumor.

I, uh-- I have some news.

[MONARCH LAUGHS]

Oh, this is too good!

21's diversion worked like a charm.

And his maps to the Venture compound have everything.

According to this,

this channel leads right to the pool.

Well, he's not answering his comm-link.

Because he's undercover!

Oh, believe me, he's expecting us.

Monarch Mobile submersible mode!

What are you doing?

Engage the submarine function!

Uh, do we have that?

Yes!

All right, maybe I just thought we did.

H-H-Hit that button!

Nice. You turned the wipers on.

Fuck it! Hit the ejector! Abandon ship!

Sweetie, we don't have an--

What do we have?

Cup holders?

Oh shit we left our prisoner in the trunk.

And the paperwork!

Go get them!

Please?

I don't want to get my wings wet.

[GROANS]

Huh? Huh?

TREISTER: Hunter!

Over here, boy! Clock your six!

General!

Gitchi manitoul!

Look at that shiner!

I'm all kinds of sorry, boy.

What are you clowns doing to him?!

Now, now, they're just being good soldiers.

I gave them orders to restrain me

whenever I have one of my faintin' spells.

What is it, sir -- your heart?

Nah. This titanium ticker will still be

beatin' out Semper Fidelis

when there's nothing left of me but worm turds.

What the hell happened to you, sir?

Aw, cripes!

Didn't want you to have to see me this way.

Guess the cat's out of the pajamas now, huh?

[LAUGHS]

All right, I might as well level with you.

I'm a hulk.

Ah, there are my guests of honor!

Well, that was prompt.

And may I say that the Mayflower Madam

has not lost her touch?

Meow.

[UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

BILLY: Ah, let's just say "very well off."

We millionaires don't use the word "millionaire,"

but if you want to say "millionaire,"

I'm good with millionaire...

DOC: Well, not quite a TV star.

More of a cartoon notable.

I got our ass cancelled.

Had a Thundarr lead-in,

but we couldn't hold the numbers.

Maybe if you had a fucking mock on the show.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh, we were too smart for the room.

21: And I'm just not over that yet.

Plus, I-I think I'm in love with my boss's wife.

Also, I'm starting to think I'm not really villainous.

Smooth.

Now that she's completely depressed,

you should make her feel your armpits for cancer bumps.

Oh, my God! Go away!

No, no, no! Not you.

I'm talking to my dead friend.

[SIGHS] So I have that... also.

WHITE: Come on, all the people in the house!

When I say, "Hey," you say, "Ho"!

Hey!

Hey!

DERMOTT: You suck!

I'm not getting paid for this, you know.

I can't believe I'm here.

I know. It's great! The garage looks so pretty.

Hank, it is a tard parade.

Even your brother thinks it's lame.

Eh, he's just moping

'cause his girlfriend isn't really his girlfriend.

No, I'm not!

I mean... yes, she isn't, but I...

[SIGHS]

What does she see in him?

Who, her dad?

No, that Raven kid.

Her-- Her boyfriend.

Well, let's see now.

He's super-handsome -- I can say that --

he's got cool hair, cool clothes,

and, worst of all, he's a cyborg.

No. I asked.

She said they're just crutches.

Oh! Even worse!

That means he's a cripster, dude.

He's rocking a hipster angle

and the sympathy angle all in one!

There's no way you can compete with that!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, come on!

D-Do I really have to get blood on my tux?

Service abandonment.

Guild non-assail pact of 1958,

paragraph 20, line 17

regarding employer's rights to a deserter.

Yeah, here's all the paperwork.

Now step aside.

I don't care if you have a note from Santa Claus!

- You are not getting in! - Bup, bup, bup!

I have a little bargaining chip.

Princess Tinyfeet!

You untie her this instant!

Uh... we didn't tie her up.

She's way, way into the bondage thing.

You want her back, you better start respecting

her very strange needs.

Oh, my little beige bunny, is that true?

She insisted we drive her here in the trunk.

She is a freak!

Now let us all in. You have our henchman.

All right.

But you're gonna need to change.

You're, uh, what, size Doc?

[MID-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

DOC: Hello.

[CHUCKLES]

Num-num-num-num-num.

Oh, you like that, don't you?

How about I take you to my boudoir

and give you a little Rusty Venture?

Whoa!

Denied!

What was that about?

Boom!

Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture.

That is bold, my friend! Kudos.

What? I have chilled bubbly in my room.

Uh, Rust, you do realize that a "Rusty Venture"

is when you take your finger

and run it around a guy's asshole

while you pull the guy off into his own face.

What?! My name is a sex act?!

When did that happen?

Uh, like, in the '80s, and Al is way off.

A Rusty Venture is when you 69

and you fill each other's mouth with cum

and then you turn over and blow spooge

into each other's cracks.

Good lord!

How could that be named after me?!

W-What does that have to do with me?

Oh, don't play coy.

Your cartoon was huge in the gay community.

We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro.

We'd all wear little striped tops

and tight little shorts.

How did you not know this?

Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher,

a ginger freaking Liza Minnelli.

No. I missed this.

I don't 69 guys and do that spitting thing.

That's not a Rusty Venture.

That's a snake venom.

You are misinformed, my darling.

You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?

Fine, I'll bet you a Rusty Venture I'm right.

- Stop it! - You are on!

I am going to call an authority on both subjects.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yello? Mm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, sure.

I am the one who started that craze back in P-Town

with Tennessee Williams.

It's brilliant!

What you do is you take a scuba snorkel,

and you put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part.

Then you snake the other end

right up your back address, okay?

Then you just grab the middle of that snorkel,

and you're thick in your own ass

and pulling off your crank at the self-same time

until you spend in your own jacksie!

That's a Rusty Venture!

Mischa! M-Mischa, no! Bad girl!

Useless. That was Colonel Gentleman.

And?

And the out-of-touch old windbag

just described a double frog man.

Ugh! Give me your phone.

[BEEP]

You? I told you!

When your arch is terminated by a third party,

it's not our problem!

What? Of course I do.

It's when you fist a guy

and then you open up your hand inside his ass and grab --

No, no. He's laying down.

Then whatever you come out with, you rub on his dick.

Wrong!

The Rusty Venture is a straight move.

Okay, it's when you take a girl out for a huge dinner

but you don't let her go to the can.

Then you have anal sex with her,

and she craps all over your dick

so right when you're about to get off,

you take it out and you blow shit cum on her back.

That's a Rusty Venture?

That's the Rusty part.

The Venture part is when you eat

that junk off her back without using your hands.

Are you getting this?

Yeah, I heard it, and you're both wrong.

To settle a bet.

Yes, with Shoreleave.

I don't care anymore!

And, frankly, I'm disgusted that my good name

is being used for this-- this baloney!

This is not over until one of us gets a Rusty Venture.

Agreed.

I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell me.

If my squaw wants her man to wear a ball gag

and play it rough, well, then, by golly,

you are in for a whupping, missy!

Prom! Unbelievable.

This is so good.

I can't wait to see what 21 has planned.

DR. GIRLFRIEND: Oh, it should be good.

You, uh, want to dance?

Ah, maybe for a slow one.

DERMOTT: Home-school prom, we are Shallow Gravy!

And we are here to melt your brain

and expand your mind with our heaviness.

All right, don't forget to check out our merch table.

We have t-shirts and junk.

Ch-- I need more of my monitors.

Check! Ch-- Hank, stop fucking playing!

Check, one. Check!

Ch-- Fuck it. I'm going anyway.

Two, three, four!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

- ? Yellow ? - ? Jacket ?

- ? Straight ? - ? Jacket ?

- ? Smoking ? - ? Jacket ?

? A full metal ?

BOTH: ? Jacket! ?

- ? Black ? - ? Jacket! ?

- ? Leather ? - ? Jacke-e-t! ?

- ? Varsity ? - ? Jacket ?

BOTH: ? It's Brock's jacket ?

TRIANA: And it all just comes pouring out

like somebody stepped on a snack pack.

So, after you find the turkey baster,

you both eat your way out of the tub.

That's what I heard, at least.

I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home,

but I think I might need to give him

a stern what have you.

All righty, there, Major Dad. Take it down, okay?

Now let's go get you some more green punch.

What?

So, that's what you and Raven do?

He, uh, gives you poop hand jobs?

Um, no.

That's what the Urban Dictionary defines a Rusty Venture as.

Well, maybe I should have been

more sensitive to your needs

and rubbed poo-poo on my pee-pee

so you'd be more interested in me!

Because you're just so mature now, aren't you?!

Dean, I was willing to go here with you as friends,

but you're not acting like a friend!

You're acting like an asshole!

Oh, y-you don't like that?

Well, maybe if I go to the bathroom all over you!

Okay, that's it. Good night.

Thanks for the awful time,

and call me when you're not a jealous little boy.

Oh, well, maybe Raven can come pick you up in his diapers!

His poo diapers!

Hey, hey! Easy! Easy!

Just hold it still.

You shake that, and it'll explode,

then blindness, and possibly

a mutant penis-like growth on the contaminated area.

- What?! - Stop shaking!

It's a mechanical hand. How can it shake?

Listen, do you know what I had to go through

to engineer the fly that I get this crap from?

Oh, God, no!

D-D-D-Don't touch it! It's fragile!

And when it's mad, it spits acid,

and it's already mad because I pulled its wings off.

Spanish fly is actually a blister beetle, you know.

It's not even a fly.

Yeah, thanks, Wiki-Penis.

We all know what regular Spanish Fly is,

but this is my special proprietary blend.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

It'll take that "No Way" Nancy

and turn her into a "Yes I" Candy.

So, it's like a roofie?

Don't cheapen it.

What this does is temporarily mutate the genital mound,

changing it into a soft pink bag of steaming desire,

not unlike, say, a bonobo chimp's pillowy catcher's mitt.

Like a freaky rainbow ass?

That's a baboon!

This is-- Well, it's still freaky but less colorful.

This is starting to sound dangerous --

and a little creepy.

Billy, stop being a wuss.

This is superscience,

and this superscientist has been shut down all night

by whores!

Oh, no! Oh!

It's-- It's starting to foam up now!

No, that's a good sign. Is the bottle hot?

It's a-a mechanical hand! I can't tell!

Okay. Now shake it!

No way, Jose! I'm not gonna shake it!

You told me not to shake it!

TREISTER: Yeah, it started a couple months back --

kind of embarrassing.

But I first discovered the problem

during a session of sexual congress.

There I am, ridin' high in the saddle,

when I look down and I notice my, uh--

my flag's stuck at half mast,

if you know what I'm sayin'...

So I drag my old glory down to sick bay

so them quacks can do a little recon.

They tell me I got a big old stowaway

hidin' down in my bilge.

Hmm. Malignant?

Downright malevolent!

Doctors said my only hope

was a radical course of radiation therapy.

So we belted the sumbitch with gamma rays!

General, it's time for your special

hulk-suppressant medicine, sir.

Naptime!

Don't go tellin' nobody about this, son.

Don't tell Washington.

Don't tell Secret President.

Promise me.

Of course, sir. I promise.

Hmph. Unbelievable.

That's 'cause it's bullshit,

bunch of funny-book flapdoodle.

Treister's had it.

The big "C's" eating him alive.

Ain't no dignity going out like that.

Old war-horse like him wants to die with his boots on.

So, in order to make him think

he's been wrecking the town with the power of a bull...

We wreck his office with the power of our fists

and a couple of chairs.

Geez. I-I had you two all wrong.

That is... weirdly noble of you.

Too true.

It's also the only way to get the other agents to help.

So when we tell Washington

the old man's so bat shit crazy

he thinks he's a friggin' hulk,

they turn the O.S.I. over to the next in line.

Namely us.

Why, you double-crossing--

Y-You're the double agents, aren't you?!

Sons of bitches!

Sky Pilot, abort!

Brando's got us on our bellies,

and he's reaching for the butter!

Sky Pilot!

[BOOM!]

[GUNS COCK]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]

24: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!

You're sleeping with the enemy!

I thought this was about me.

Stop already!

Oh, my God, dude! It's over.

I love you, but it's over.

I love you, too! Come get a hug!

No, no. Not you. I'm talking to my dead friend.

Oh, a ghost!

T-That's my game! Where is he?

You don't see him?

Is it Bruce Willis?

I-It's 24 and his dead adviser, Mr. Wendal,

who's that guy from the Arrested Development video.

Mr. Wendal? You mean Baba Oje?

Their adviser -- the old guru guy that sits in the chair the whole video.

That was Baba Oje! The titular Mr. Wendal was a homeless man.

He's lying! This is Mr. Wendal!

Jefferson! Jefferson!

Orpheus! She's from the south side!

We were almost neighbors!

Super!

Hey, is Baba Oje still alive?

The Arrested Development guy?

Yes!

Yeah! You want to invite him?

He's a blast! We should invite him!

He'd love this.

He's not Mr. Wendal?

He's not even dead?

Dude, Mr. Wendal isn't... dead.

They're-- They're gone.

[SOBBING]

Oh, yes. Oh, there's that hug.

Gone.

ORPEUS: Gone but not forgotten.

Perhaps they'll reunite again.

They were so good.

I miss that band, too.

Mm.

I'm gonna give you a Rusty Venture.

Don't believe the hype.

A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much

your dick gets all red and sore.

Really?

Yeah, but, I'll, uh, let you give me an Action Johnny, though.

Ooh! What's that?

I'll show you.

Beat it, rookie. I need the room.

Aah!

[GRUNTS]

Do you want to live?

Y-Yes.

Then I suggest you return to your little party.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ugh!

Great. So much for my backup.

Hey, you're the one who told me to keep circling.

You know how much fuel that thing burns?

Whatever! Where's the rest of the team?

They ejected just in time.

Good!

Let's just hope they can make it back to base

and rally Brock and Shoreleave.

Great. Them again.

Damn it, this is no time for your-- Wait!

- What about Monstroso? - Safe and sound.

Crash didn't even wake him up.

He was still on board?!

He was our only hope, you buffoon!

He is the only other living soul

who knew the identity of those double agents!

Oh. Well, then, those guys probably aren't gonna

let him live much longer.

Gee, you think?!

Colonel Gathers, your presence is requested

on the bridge.

Not that bridge, sir.

Secret one.

All right, Dean, first off,

that girl is way too hot for you.

But if you want to get her back, you can't sit here.

You've got to go get her back.

How?

Hank, you over this lame excuse for a prom yet?

DOC: Come on, kids! Conga line!

? Yada, yada, da, da! ?

All right. I'm over it.

Let's get Dean his fake girlfriend back.

Come on, we got to do it.

Dermott, you want in?

ALL: Go, Team Venture!

Ah, loving the disguise, 21.

All right, let's do this thing.

I'm ready to explode all over this place.

Dude, I'm not arching.

I-I came here to bury 24's skull

so he'll stop watching me masturbate.

Please tell me you're messing with me.

Say, "Monarch, I'm kidding.

Let's burn this lame prom to the ground."

So not.

And let me tell you, these people are helping.

I'm not sure how to say this, but... I like them.

Oh, my God, they drugged you!

Anti-truth serum!

Stick your hand down your throat and induce vomiting!

I'm not drugged! I'm quitting.

Ugh, don't drink the punch.

There's either peppermint schnapps or mouthwash in it.

21's bailing on us.

- What?! - Ask him.

Oh, it's true! I'm sick of this!

I'm slightly drunk,

I'm talking to a ghost of my fucking dead friend,

I'm probably in love with you, and so, yeah, whatever!

- I'm over it! - You're "over it"?

- You're in love with me? - Whoa! Wait, what?

- We made out. - W-Well, that's a stretch.

We got drunk, and maybe we kissed, but...

Sure, you did. Where was I then, huh?

Where were you? You were there!

We were on top of you!

We made out on you!

Fight! There's a fight!

MONARCH: So we had a drunken threesome!

Join the fucking club!

We're villains, you crybaby! We swing!

I've watched my wife suck Manta Claus dry

and then make him breakfast!

- Is that true? - Eggs and buttered toast.

Wha-- You g-- You guys are nuts!

Yeah, great! Fuck you!

Fuck this completely crappy fucking excuse

for a fucking prom!

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, oh.

Did I spoil your little prom?

Well, you have just felt the sting

of the mighty Monarch!

Again, Dr. Venture, we have bested you!

Good night and unpleasant dreams!

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

[DR. GIRLFRIEND COUGHING]

Honey...

is that you?

Yes. Come on.

You're gonna blow the dramatic exit.

[GASPS]

[GROANS] Huh?

Aaaah!

Shoreleave, code red!

We got a fox in the hen house,

and the jumbo eggs are gone!

Shoreleave!

Aaah!

- [GROWLS] - [TIRES SCREECH]

Aaaah!

Aim for the tires!

I'm on it!

Yah!

Nice shot, Queen Midas.

Now she's got money for tolls.

I'll take care of this.

This has been a long time coming.

Me and her got to get something straight between us.

You think he even knows

how many double entendres that was?

WHITE'S VOICE: Halt!

You are too close to the Conjectu-Cycle.

This vehicle is protected by--

First off, you gotta get yourself

into some goth clothing.

Yeah, she likes that -- that and cripples,

so we should break your legs, too.

You're not gonna break my legs.

Okay, then check this out.

Hank and I are gonna write her name on the lawn with logs.

Then we're gonna friggin' light it on fire!

You're gonna be all gothed-out standing there,

and there's gonna be this huge wall of flames,

and you're gonna be like the Crow.

She's gonna see that shit and cream herself.

[ENGINES REVVING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Aaaaah!

What, leaving the prom so soon?

Don't you want to stay and see who they crown king and queen?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[METAL CLATTERS]

Come on in, boy.

Don't be shy, now.

This is the real bridge, huh?

I always thought they kept the spare cadet linens down here.

Nothing's ever what it seems -- first rule of espionage.

Here, take the wheel a minute, will you?

There you go. Nice and easy.

It's relaxing, ain't it?

Doctors say a man with my condition's

got to keep himself relaxed.

About your condition, general --

Cardholder and Doe have been lying to you.

You're-- You're not a hulk.

[LAUGHING]

Soldier, I may be a crazy old S.O.B.,

but I ain't no short-busser.

I know there ain't no such things as hulks.

Oh. Well, that's not all, sir.

Cardholder and Doe--

Are double agents angling to take over the O.S.I.?

Yep. Know that, too.

Hell, son, I invented the secret-keepin' business.

And when them slippery son-o'-bitches try

to take out Monstroso,

they're in for a bellyful of surprise.

You might could say I got a man on the inside.

Several.

Think you know 'em.

Sky Pilot?

So, he's working for you?

Not no more. I am officially retired.

I got the pee-pee cancer,

and there ain't a thing on Earth nobody can do to fix me.

So I'm fixing to shuffle off this mortal coil.

W-Wait a minute! What the hell are you doing?!

Do not let go of that wheel, boy!

There are 2,000 souls on board!

What about the O.S.I.?

Y-You've worked your whole life for this place, General.

Now you're just gonna abandon it?

Nah. From where I sit,

looks like the old gal's in pretty good hands.

Took guts to bust out the nest

and go off on your own, son.

Took balls to...

cut off your balls.

Even without 'em, you got more true grit man-moxie on tap

than any of these "yes" men and bureaucrats

been runnin' the place.

- No, no! General, I'm not! - You'll do fine.

Do not kill yourself, you crazy bastard!

Ain't killin' myself, son.

I said there ain't nothin' they could do for me on this Earth.

But there is one thing might could cure me...

alien technology!

[ALARM BLARES]

WHITE: All right, all right, all right!

And now the moment we've all been waiting for --

the crowning of the prom king and... king.

We so have this. How do I look?

Hank and Dean Venture!

Oh, they deserve it.

Hank and Dean Venture!

Come on up, fellas.

Come and get those crowns.

Okay, well, uh,

it looks like the crowns will have to go

to the second runner-ups, then.

With four votes,

Sergeant Hatred and Princess Tinyfeet.

DOC: Oh, come on!

? Don't bother saying you're sorry ?

? Why don't you come and.. ?

[ENGINE REVVING]

Ugh.

Well, well, well.

Here we are again.

How long are we gonna keep doing this, Mol --

till we're old and gray, huh?

Every year, we pretend to try to kill each other.

You know neither of us will actually do it.

Speak for yourself, Samson.

Oh, looking for this?

Hmm.

We seem to be at, uh --

how you say -- stalemate.

Not from where I sit.

Ah, give it up, Mol.

You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why?

Because you are a bad person.

You don't know the first thing about duty

or honor or friendship.

You're just a cold-hearted mercenary bitch!

I'm tired of spending my life chasing you.

What if I told you it wasn't for money this time?

What if I told you I've...

changed?

What? For reals, or is this another one of your tricks?

No, Samson. It is the real thing.

Nyet!

Wha-- Oh, for God's -- Come on!

You said you changed!

You misunderstand, Samson.

I am, uh, how you say --

taken.

What?! By who?!

Him?!

Oh, you got to be kidding me!

It is like you say.

I am bad person. So is he.

He is also rich, powerful, and quite well-endowed.

Aaaah! All right! Enough!

Well, I won't let you go.

It's not your choice, Brock.

No, I-I don't mean "let you go"

in like a romantic "if you love something, set it free" kind of Sting kind of way.

I mean I'm not letting you escape.

And I mean you don't have a choice.

My Blackhearts have already infiltrated your compound.

They are in position as we speak.

If I fail to contact them with the abort code by midnight,

all of your friends will die.

Oh, bitch!

What did those people ever do to you, huh?!

- Call 'em off! - Or what?

You kill me, they all die.

How about I make you call on that code

while I drop your new boyfriend off a cliff?

I'd rather die.

? Oh, and I'll come running ?

? Just to do it again ?

? You are the last drink I never should have drunk ?

? You are the body hidden in the trunk ?

? You are the habit I can't seem to kick ?

? You are the secrets on the front page every week ?

? You are the car I never should have bought ?

? You are the dream I never should have caught ?

? You are the cut that makes me hide my face ?

? You are the party that makes me feel my age ?

? You're like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid ?

? Like a plane I've been told I never should board ?

? Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end ?

? Let me tell you now ?

? It's lucky for you that we're friends ?

DERMOTT: What the hell is that?!

I said goth!

What? This is a ghost costume.

You said goths are into spooky stuff.

This is spooky.

Ugh!

All right, it's gonna have to do.

Okay, I'm gonna light this up,

and you go claim your woman.

Here we go.

Triana, I have come for you!

Oh, crap! The fire's going out!

How much gas did you put on it?

Dude, it's a mini bike.

I ran out of gas, like, after the first letter.

Oh. This isn't good.

Dude, we got to bail.

D-Dude, book!

Trianal

Triana?

Racist bastard! Get off my lawn!

- Aaah! - Dean?

Dean, what are you doing, lad?

Evening, Mr. Outrider, sir.

I was, uh...

I-Is, um, Triana home?

Well, no, son.

She was very upset after the prom,

and I believe she went over to Raven's house.

Mommy, isn't that where she said she was going?

Dean I think I know what this is all about.

You know, a wise man

who was either Gur Jeff or Baba Oje once told me,

"You can never step into the same river twice."

That makes no sense, sir.

Triana really likes that boy,

and they're very happy together.

And if you truly love her,

you should just move on

and be happy that she's happy.

Don't you think?

[SNIFFLES]

You know what I think?

Fuck you!

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