Original subtitles

Dr. Donahue! Uh, hold up there!

Dr. Donahue! Phil! Hey.

Oh. I-I didn't hear you. Is there a problem?

Dr. Donahue, I-I just got to tell you

that your convergent ex-maze -- stunning.

We were about to stop his doggone heart there.

You were all ready to saw that guy open.

And I'm all, "It's just a paroxysmal afib.

You should mop out a cox maze for the ex-maze,

slam an ablation cath in the old groin, and bingo!

The guy could drive home in the morning.

Astounding. And the board was impressed.

I-I'm talking promotion impressed there.

Oh, that's, uh, not necessary.

Which is why I'm glad I ran into you.

It seems we don't have all your papers on file,

so we just called The Johns Hopkins there, and--

J-Johns H-Hopkins? You called them?

No, no. I didn't go there.

Really? Oh, you-- you told me you did.

No, I told you I went to Stanford

and that I studied under Dr. Johns Hopkinsburg --

Dr. Johns Hopkinsburg at the Stanford University.

Oh. Let me just run and get Dr. Bennett, and we'll--

we'll sort out this little oversight.

I'll just be a sec. Wait right here.

I won't go anywhere. I'm glued!

Look. I can't move my feet

because they're stuck to the floor.

Oh-- Oh, no, look!

It's like molasses.

[MAKES CREAKING NOISE]

Oh, I am so fucked.

I knew you were coming tonight.

I'm at peace. Just make it quick.

A deal's a deal.

What are you waiting for?! Do it!

Come on, you fucking freaks!

[COUGHING]

Hey, see that bag hanging there?

That's my shit!

[COUGHS] Eat it!

[COUGHING]

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[FLATLINE]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

They looked straight at me.

Trust me. It was the same guys.

- We have to give it all back. - Everything?

What, the spelunking gear, the dune buggy, the--

the pool table in the secret lab?

Not the secret -- Billy, not the lab.

All that crap -- everything!

- Everything? - Everything?

What is that?

Robo-Bo, our robotic butler/manservant,

in the imposing, yet familiar guise of Bo Duke.

Don't act like we didn't talk about this.

Well, we didn't!

You asked me which Duke boy I liked better.

And you said Bo, so Ta-da! Robo-Bo!

Yeah, well, I didn't think for a second that you were go--

We got to give that horrible thing back, too.

They are fucking vampires,

and they're coming to suck all my blood out.

- Billy, you're overreacting. - Ya think?

Three creepy guys appear on our doorstep

and hand us a check for like $10 million!

We are Conjectural Technologies.

It's perfectly normal for us to get investors!

We sold our souls to vampires!

We sold shares of our hot new company.

It's completely normal.

I just saw our shareholders materialize out of thin air,

then steal the heart

of a 400-hundred-pound talking gorilla.

Is that normal?

- They're here. - [POUNDING ON DOOR]

Okay, I'm gonna tell them we're gonna give everything back

and that this was all a misunderstanding.

- Hand me my neck brace. - That's not gonna work.

Oh, it does.

When the vampires try to bite my neck,

they're gonna get nothing

but a mouthful of foamy, cervical collar.

Door for Master Billy.

I'm gonna go fix this, okay?

But if I don't return, you come find me.

Don't let them make me a vampire, White.

Promise me.

Fine, I won't let them make you a vampire.

Sheesh.

Oh. I'm glad you're here.

We just had a silly misunderstanding.

- [GROWLS] - No, no.

N-No, please, no.

No, no, no!

Billy? Billy?!

Master Billy left with his visitors.

Robo-Bo! Get the Conject-U-Cycle!

["DIXIE" HORN BLARES]

I have a check here for $50,000

for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.

We're not mercenaries, White.

We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.

Well, that's perfect,

'cause nobody else wants to deal with me.

Yeah, you're not getting it.

Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at S.P.H.I.N.X.?

- S.P.H.I.N.X.! - It works like this --

if someone points a gun at you, ya call the police.

If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you,

you call SW.A.T.

If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you,

you call the O.S.I.

If they're dressed regular

and they're pointing a super laser at your daughter,

that's when you call S.P.H.I.N.X.

SHORELEAVE: S.P.H.I.N.X.!

So explain to me why we'd give a squirt

about your roommate being abducted by vampires?

We're talking about Billy here!

You guys owe him.

You did the-- You know.

Spit it out, White! This is S.P.H.I.N.X.!

- S.P.H.I.N.X. - We have no secrets here.

When men live and work together,

it's imperative that there are no secrets!

I miss my breasts!

Inside of me, there is a woman screaming to be heard.

I hit a dog with my car last week

but told the owner I found him like that.

I once jerked off 12 times in one day

just to see if I could.

I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night,

and I'm straight as an arrow.

Remember that smell I told you was the garbage?

That was my ass.

I had chicken tandoori for lunch.

Ya see?! Men don't have secrets.

Now, what are you talking about?

Fine.

You used Billy as a pawn to infiltrate the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

You owe him.

Son, that wasn't us. That was the O.S.I.

If I throw this pen at your head,

are you gonna blame me or have a little fist fight with the pen?

Now get out and take your bribe with you.

Wait! Where did you get this?

- The vampires. We get them every-- - Finally!

Samson, Shoreleave, we got these bastards!

Take a look at this!

It's The Investors all right. You have more of these?

That's the last one. We spent the others.

Well, you're in luck, White.

You're the only person that's taken money from The Investors

and lived to panic about it.

- So you'll take the job? - Take the job?

Pale face, we've been waiting for this job.

You're not gonna be able to get rid of S.P.H.I.N.X.!

S.P.H.I.N.X.!

Aah! Geez, you're monstrous.

[DEEP VOICE] Close. I'm Monstroso.

Leave us.

Who are those guys?

The Investors? They make dreams come true...

for a price.

And who the hell are you?

A man, just like you, in need of The Investors.

We're all in the same boat, Billy.

How do you know my name?

You're one of the most talented surgeons alive.

Who doesn't know of Dr.-- Wait.

You're not a doctor.

You never went to medical school.

Well, some of the world's greatest artists

are self-taught, you know.

Yes, and so many of them live in sad trailers

infested with albinos,

scurrying from Xbox to Playstation,

living off your accomplishments.

I'm fine, all right?

I just want to give everything back.

I just want to go home.

Get back in bed, little guy.

Let me tuck you in.

You can never go back to your sad little life.

Oh, is that too tight?

There's no blood getting to my face.

No, Billy, we both made a deal with The Investors.

What-- What deal did I make!?!

I said I'll give the money back!

It's too late, Billy. Now get some sleep.

I want you well-rested to accept The Investors' real gift --

immortality!

I run out, and I swear I see Billy and the vampire guys

disappear into thin air.

It should have been me.

Hey, it'll be fine. We'll save him.

It should have been me.

I-I have that Malfoy, Spike thing going on.

I-I look way more vampire than Billy.

Should've been me.

The footprints seem to start and end right here.

Shoreleave, run this footprint soil

through your thingy and see what's going on here.

Lemonade, gentlemen?

Sweet lord, what the hell is that?!

Robo-Bo.

Yeah, I got it off the internet.

They also make a Robo-Starsky,

Robo-Crockett, and Robo-The-Fatman.

It's disgusting!

Why does it walk like it has to take a dump?

Oh, here's something. There's salt in their tracks --

ocean water.

Saline at 3.4 -- Atlantic, somewhere near the equator.

Then that's where we're going!

You ever fix our submarine?

Puhlease! We just shoveled dirt on what was left of it.

I think I can get us a boat.

If we're taking a boat somewhere, we got to stop for sunscreen.

You're a civilian, and you're annoying.

This is a job for S.P.H.I.N.X.

What?

I thought you were gonna--

Oh. Uh, S.P.H.I.N.X.!

Oh we'll rescue your little friend.

Yeah, friend -- friend.

But you're going to a safe house.

I know what you're thinking -- that's a bunion.

I thought that, too.

But does a bunion leak yellow goo

when you squeeze it?

No, it doesn't.

So we have a little mystery here.

Yeah, would you like to touch it?

Uh, nah, not really.

C'mon! It's really mushy in there.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Aw, ya look great.

Me like them dance costumes ya got.

- I'm with S.P.H.I.N.X. now. - S.P.H.I.N.X.!

- Is Jonas here? - Sorry. Bad news, gentlemen.

Jonas is gone. He's up there.

Oh, geez.

I'm sorry, man. We didn't know.

Ah, no, no, no. He's not dead.

He's up on his space-station thingy.

Left me here to keep the museum open.

Since he left, I've had, uh--

Let's see, uh-- No visitors.

Not here to see the museum.

Too bad, I could have cut you guys a sweet group rate.

Oh, hey. Sorry, grandpa.

Smoking cigarettes is illegal on Spider Skull Island.

What, are you kidding me?

No. The wee chairman outlawed them.

This here island is a sovereign nation.

We got our own laws!

Cigarettes and liquor be banned,

uh, but on the upside, we grow our own pot,

and we legalized the gay marriage!

I am gonna retire here.

Captain, we just came here to borrow the X2.

Uh, no can do.

Chairman needed the engine to power part of that flying thingy

he thinks is too good for pirates.

The X2 is gutted.

Great. No boat.

Yeah, well, if ya just need a boat, I can help you there.

Just let me change me outfit.

MONSTROSO: Oh, good.

You put on your little outfit.

I almost didn't give it to you because it was so small.

I wanted to hang it from my rear-view mirror.

If anybody would be sensitive to my size,

I figured it would be you.

I am kidding. I'm sensitive to size.

Not as much as I am at this moment.

And admit it.

I've been showing you a good time.

Well, the indoor mini golf was cool,

and the bumper cars would've been cool

if yours wasn't as big as an S.U.V.

Well, I'm trying to enjoy my last moments with this body.

I've worked myself to death.

Now I'll play myself to death.

I don't want to do this.

- I-I'm not ready. - You are ready, Billy.

You have nothing in your life.

The Investors are going to change all of that.

It's just-- I mean, there are still so many things

I want to do before I become, you know, immortal.

Well, after our game, we still have

bumper pool and laser tag and--

Ooh, you'll love this -- giant Legos.

I was talking about something a little more adult.

Giant... Checkers?

Hmm. It's kind of small for a pirate ship.

She's almost brigantine.

Found an old sloop and changed her rigging.

The rest is from a theme-park ride.

But she's fast, seaworthy, and probably a mighty chick magnet.

She'll have to do. What do you call her?

I call her Manny's Song.

Who's Manny?

Me first love.

She left me for a bloke named Craig,

who just slept with her and tossed her away.

Haven't seen her since then.

I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.

Sad. Does she know how you feel?

Um, no, she doesn't, because that's all from a TV show.

Captain Cuckoo here named his boat

after Manny Santos on Degrassi.

You're a liar!

I can't believe they killed J.T.

I know! And they hardly talked about it,

like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.

Yeah. I'm the liar, me.

If you simpletons aren't embarrassed,

I'll be embarrassed for you.

Let's set sail! We're on a mission!

- S.P.H.I.N.X.! - Didn't say it.

Wha? It was implied.

Avast! We set sail!

Well?

What? What are we waiting for?

We have to actually set sail.

Like, you guys have to help me tie down those sails.

? Oh, Princess Tinyfeet ?

? You are my little treat ?

? But then you went away ?

? One dismal day ?

? I couldn't say ?

? I love you ?

Feel free to cry or jump in.

I don't know this song.

That's 'cause I just made it up.

? My Apache flower ?

? I want to devour ?

? Or take a hot shower with you ?

Yeah!

You might want to hold that with two hands.

I've never played racquetball.

- You ever play squash? - Nope.

- Handball? - Uh, nope.

Well, it's like that. Service!

You have to hit it back.

Well, then, you have to hit it a little lighter.

Fine. I'll do my little baby serve.

But I'm still taking that point.

What was that "adult" thing you wanted to do

before your date with destiny?

A date with a woman!

Yes. Of course.

Well, the big man here has quite an appetite

for the pleasures of the flesh myself,

yet I've never found a woman who can satisfy me.

I'm surprised you can find a woman

that doesn't run away screaming.

[GRUNTS]

Point! In your face!

You okay?

It's my heart. It's dying.

No Legos for me today.

We got to get you to a hospital.

No!

Tonight we shall embrace our destiny.

The bank is an offshore.

The check is from General Consolidated Insurance -- GCI.

Guild of Calamitous Intent.

So whoever's holding The Investors' leash

has access to the Guild funds.

Got anything?

Billy's hand emits a tracer pulse.

It's not accurate, but it should get us

close enough to activate the hand's homing device.

Anything on that check?

Well, besides the peanut-butter prints

from Billy and White,

there was a latent palm print.

Didn't match anything on file,

so I made it into a little turkey

by putting a little beak on it.

It looks crappy though. See?

You know why that looks crappy?

Because that's not a palm print.

That's a huge thumbprint.

Right!

Access to Guild funds, giant thumbprint...

Well, should I say it, or do we all say it at once?

Please, please, please, please, please!

I want to do it! You did it last time.

All right. Fine.

Oh, my God! It's Monstroso!

I've signed a lot a papers in my life,

but none like this.

There.

[GROANS]

Soon, my friends.

Soon I will have new blood in these veins --

the blood of the beast.

Soon.

Aah! You're Dracula brides!

Yes, vampires.

Where do you want us to bite you?

I-I don't want to be bitten.

Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?

Now, if you need blood, I'm prone to nosebleeds.

I have dry sinuses because of allergies,

and I pick my nose with a metal hand.

That's very nice.

A little exotic striptease.

Or is it an exotic... dance?

I took swing lessons at parks and rec,

but because I'm short,

I had to take the class with kids.

Oh, oh, you got the pants off.

And you are doing something amazing with your mouth.

[HOMING DEVICE BEEPING]

Got it!

I activated the homing device in Billy's hand, everyone.

And I may have also accidentally activated the fire extinguisher.

Now we're getting somewhere! Where is he?!

He's close -- very close.

I'd say about seven miles that way.

Hard full aft rudder astern!

Jib the mainsail!

Cully the sheets, ya swabs!

What the hell does that all mean?

Nothing! Made it up!

I'm just all excited to be a fake pirate again!

What happened? There were women here, I swear.

I had sex with three women at once.

It's time, isn't it?

I couldn't just leave him.

I was afraid he might have a concussion or something.

The little guy was just so cute and helpless.

I cuddled him all night.

So I can see why he's your best friend.

He's not my best friend. I just work with him.

And live with him and do everything with him.

- That's best friends. - Maybe.

But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.

What?! You know what, White?

- You are a star fucker. - Wha--

Yeah. You have the greatest friend in the world,

and because he's not famous, you don't care.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Rusty and I went to school together.

- We were inseparable. - Star fucker.

It's huge!

Never seen a catamaran like that.

It's like a big blimp spider!

That thing is like a fortress.

Good luck to you.

Oh, we don't need luck.

With Brock and Shoreleave, we just need alibis and body bags.

Ta-da!

Genital formal wear. I'm ready.

You're not wearing that, are you?

This little get-up-and-go works like a samurai mask.

They'll get a gander at this little number,

and they're hypnotized!

All right. It's a dual mission.

One, rescue the little guy.

Two, terminate Monstroso, The Investors,

and everything that gets in your way.

You just reminded me why I joined S.P.H.I.N.X.

S.P.H.I.N.X.!

Oh, my God! This water is fucking freezing!

I am not properly dressed!

[SIGHS] Okay, I've signed it.

Now make me a vampire.

I'm ready to become one of the undead.

The blood is the life!

What are you talking about? Vampire?

I can't make you a vampire.

What? Isn't that what this is all about --

these papers, the vampire brides,

the immortality crap, those guys?

Leave us.

You have me and The Investors all wrong, son.

Those papers you just signed --

those are your diplomas from medical school, all legal.

That is your gift.

But those women said they were vampires.

Those women were prostitutes.

They would have said they were Charlie's Angels

if you wanted them to.

But-- But-- But you kept talking about immorality

and your new life.

Yes, immortality.

You've been brought here to perform a heart transplant.

King Gorilla made a little deal with The Investors and I.

He gets out of his life sentence

and I get his heart when he dies.

Oh, come on.

Every fucking time!

I should have guessed.

I got kidnapped to perform another illegal surgery.

No. This surgery is legal.

We are far from U.S. Restrictions.

And with your new diploma,

you will get the credit, fame, and fortune you deserve.

You will be a legend, an immortal.

[SIGHS]

All right, Baby Fae. It's Billy time.

Let's make history.

[BOMB BEEPS]

[GUN COCKS]

[ALARM BLARING]

Suckers.

Mm. I used to do that with a tennis ball to my dog.

I'm gonna work my way up to the main decks.

When this is secure, head up.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[GRUNTS]

Hi.

If you even think about it, I pull the trigger.

Okay. Just take that gun off of my back.

No, no. That's not my gun.

That's an indicator of how excited I am to do this to you.

That is my gun.

[HEART BEATING]

[GUNFIRE]

[SIGHS]

Man, I'm glad it's you.

I thought that those guys were

magically shooting bullets from their body.

Right? I didn't even know you were behind them.

I thought they were throwing knives out of their backs.

Magic guys. That sucks.

I thought we finally had those bastards.

Well, we still have Monstroso.

He's not magic, but he is a giant.

[CHUCKLES]

We have a cool job, Shoreleave.

It is totally cool.

Okay, I'm gonna head that way.

First one to find a talking harp wins.

[HEART BEATING]

[MONITOR BEEPING]

- [DOOR OPENS] - Brock?

What the hell is going on?

How did you get here?

We've been following this boat for two days.

Boat? I'm on a boat?

He has a mini-golf course on a boat?

Oh, yeah. It's huge.

White tipped us off to this.

White. Pbht.

Like he cares a rat's ass about me.

He offered us 50 grand to save you.

What board game was the money from?

Aw, come on Billy. He cares.

And Monstroso there has been using those Investors of his

to do stuff that you don't want to know about.

He gave me more than you guys ever did.

After I finish this transplant, I'll be famous.

And I'm gonna get a reality show,

and I'm gonna marry young models that wouldn't look at me

before my TV show.

I am done with White!

He's holding me back.

All right. You finish up that transplant.

You live with all that blood on your hands.

It never comes off, Billy.

The bad blood stains your hands.

If you can live with knowing

that you gave that killer a second chance at life,

then you finish up.

[SIGHS] Fine.

Man, you are really good at those cowboy speeches.

But I can't just walk away.

We doctors take a hippocratic oath,

and it says we shall never willingly harm a patient.

Billy, you're not a real doctor.

Well, I may not have a degree

or spend a fortune on med school,

but I am a doctor.

I'm a real doctor, and I'm one of the best.

[LAUGHS]

You're pretty good at those cowboy speeches, too.

Okay. Finish him up.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

That's good.

Just give it a little squeeze.

You know, don't overexert yourself.

S-Sorry.

I broke another one.

Very well.

Let's get some rest here, Mr. Monstroso.

Hey.

Is he well enough so I can kill him yet?

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