Original subtitles

[PANTING]

MONARCH: You're probably asking yourself --

how did it all come to this?

How did I get here when there were

so many paths I could have chosen?

Great! I need this now, too?

[MONARCH LAUGHING]

Yet another dead end, Venture!

Aah!

And as you look back on your pathetic life,

you'll see that it was all just one long,

winding, inevitable road to this very moment...

Aaaahhh!

But I won't let you off that easily, Venture.

You will have your date with death,

but she's gonna have to sit this one out...

for the Monarch has the first dance!

[LAUGHING]

Dance! Dance, little man!

How does it feel to be a helpless puppet of fate?

Oh, sorry.

We're gonna have to pick it up here another time.

What?

It's Wednesday night. I have my therapy.

What the hell is he talking about?

Uh, new Guild clemency clause.

Mental health arch exclusion.

Let me see that.

Oh, damn it to-- Ah-ha!

It says here you're excused only if you have

a note from your doctor.

Got one right here.

It's, uh, it's in my pocket.

Well, Venture, if I can't murder you today,

at least it would appear I have finally succeeded

in driving you insane!

That's not necessarily true.

People see therapists for all kinds of reasons.

Man, when my wife left me, I went through a pretty bad--

[SIGHS]

Okay, henchmen! That's a wrap!

Abort mayhem, and fall in!

Hey, hey hey! What's with the bitching?

You don't want a night off?

You got lucky this time, old man.

Oh, in your dreams, fat back!

So... I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal kid,

and go out and play with kids my own age and stuff.

The only people I get to hang out with are grown-ups.

The only time I get to leave the compound

is to go someplace creepy, like the Bermuda Triangle.

And then I get kidnapped.

By grown-ups.

And I'm not even sure I wanna be a super scientist

when I grow up anyway.

But I feel all this pressure because of my fa--

It feels weird telling you all this stuff.

Remember, Rusty --

in here, I'm your doctor, not your father.

Now let's get back to it, shall we?

You were telling me how you're ungrateful for all

the opportunities your father has given you,

and you blame me for all your problems.

[SIGHS]

So, you can see why I've been reluctant

to go back into therapy.

Well, I hope you'll find this a much healthier environment

in which to begin a new adventure...

of healing.

Because you're not in it alone anymore.

Everyone, let's all welcome Rusty to our little group.

ALL: Hi, Rusty!

Everyone here can relate to what you're going through, Rusty.

As boy adventurers, they've been there, too.

So, I think maybe a good way for us to get started tonight

is if we just quickly go around the room,

and each of you tells Rusty a little about yourself

and your journey to the group.

Me first?

Well, I have a bit of an eating disorder.

LANCE: Nooo.

Lance, wait your turn.

As a superhero sidekick,

I led a very active, athletic lifestyle.

But when I turned 18, and I was,

shall we say, replaced with a newer model,

uh, I started putting the weight on.

Then I'd eat more because I was depressed.

And...

I have abandonment issues?

More?

Tell Rusty your name.

Oh, well, that's a tricky one.

Uh, yeah, the latest drama in my caped crusade

against Captain Sunshine's lawyers

is I get to keep most of the costume,

but I'm no longer allowed to call myself Wonder Boy

when I appear in public.

[COUGH] Mall openings.

- Lance. - My turn?

Um, Lance Hale.

One half of the world-famous Hale brothers.

Boy detectives? You've heard of us.

I'm here because my allegedly twin brother Dale

is still having trouble getting over our father's death.

Still...

I can still see his face through the soft focus

of the steam from his pooling blood

as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum.

Punch buggy depressing!

Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Sorry.

We didn't just lose our dad that night.

His murder remains our only unsolved case ever.

We had to quit the business because the shame was just--

Pfft! Yeah.

Retiring at 30 on Daddy's famous fortune

must have been real hard on you.

For your information, Action Junkie,

he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy.

We hardly got dick

because nothing we did was ever good enough for him!

He did leave us that nice car.

It's totally fucking cherry!

But that is not the point, Dale.

And don't interrupt me again or I'll swear I'll so fucking sock you.

Uh, Johnny, how about you tell Rusty why you're here.

Ah, Rusty knows me from way back, so we can skip--

just go to Ro-Boy.

Hi, hi, Doctor Venture.

My name is Ro-Boy--

But I just wanna point out I'm only here

'cause Action Johnny had himself

a little run-in with Johnny Law

and was ordered to attend by Johnny Judge.

Not my fault. Somebody else's.

Interesting.

Group, do you see how Johnny views his whole world

as some sort of cabal of Johnnies who

are conspiring to undermine him?

That's what we call paranoid projection,

and it's a classic expression of narcissistic rage.

It's a figure of speech, dude.

And the judge's name was actually John.

It's, like, the most common name in the world.

Wrong! That would be Muhammed. Googled it.

Lance, the Blackberry stays off during share time.

That goes for everyone.

Please turn off all cell phones, view comms,

2-way TV wrist communciators, what have you.

Beep boop.

What was that?

I... just turned off the radio in my utility belt,

like he said to.

You said "beep boop." With your mouth.

No, I didn't. Leave me alone.

Boys, this is really something we can get into

during our confessionals.

HATRED: Ten bucks for a dang movie,

another ten for popped corn,

and then they got the gall to make you sit through

a bunch of paid advertisements.

Ugh, that Kid Rock one for the army...

Look, there's a whole empty row right there.

Let's just move up one.

It's too close for my kinetosis.

I get nauseous during the battles.

Awful lot of kids here, huh?

You're never too young for enchantment.

What is-- No!

No, no, no!

Aw, come on!

[INHALES]

My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store,

so I started real young.

Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder

off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta.

Now I'm all out of wishes.

I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants

until I left for college.

Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity

until I was over 20?

So dumb-ass here is so freaked out by the mess,

he forgets 20 years of detective training

and actually picks up the shotgun

with his bare hands.

Well, I just instinctively reached out

to stop him, of course.

And so, that's how both our sets of prints

ended up on the murder weapon.

I tried to be good.

I just can't help myself sometimes.

When I see a giant robot I just get so mad,

I wanna beat them up!

And then I wanna burn them!

Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

I mean, I can't even get an erection now

unless I'm tied to a chair with a timebomb taped to my chest.

MOVIE NARRATOR: From this, the realm of the Spider King

through the realm of the Tree People,

to the realm...

Awful lot of realms in this thing.

Hey, the little feller with the ax,

what's his deal again?

That's Grimsby. He's a troll.

I like him. He's got moxie.

Shh! It's unbelievable!

Who comes to the last movie in a trilogy

without seeing the first two?

Hot cha! Who's that fresh tomato?

- Shh! - That's Anastos.

He's the prince of the Elven realm.

He? That's a fella?

My God, he's beautiful!

He looks like a, like a little white chocolate doll boy.

Technically, his people don't have a gender.

And they don't age.

They just stay 13 forever!

What? Did Henry Darger write this?

What the hell kind of movie did you drag me to?

Shh!!

Why don't you shush those wings?

Hey, don't blame me, man.

We wouldn't be sitting here if your dad didn't pull a section 8.

Yeah, and you're not allowed to arch us without him.

Who's arching? I'm trying to watch a movie.

Well, you're ruining my whole cinematic experience.

And that totally counts as arching.

I can't take it!

I gotta get outta here.

Excuse me. Pardon.

I'm an angry native. Booga boogal!

What are you gonna do!

- Uh, shoot him? - You don't have a gun.

Uh, get a grown-up to shoot him?

You're all alone in this jungle.

Er? Run and hide?

No more running! No more hiding.

Confront your problem head on!

Okay, uh.

- How about just talking to him. - T-Talking?

Yes, he's an angry native but he's also a person.

Start a dialogue.

Uh, okay. Um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Why you guys always chase me with spears?

You parked your giant iron Thunderbird

on my ancestors' burial ground.

I did?

I'm afraid you're a trickster God

who will woo my women away and fly them to your sky hut.

Well, I... I did not know that.

I'm... sorry?

I accept your apology. Now hug me.

I don't-- I don't--

O--Okay.

There. See how easy that was?

We all have our own inner angry natives.

And our minds invent a million ways

to avoid confronting them directly.

But if you just look them in the eye

and ask them why they're chasing you with spears,

you just might learn something...

about yourself.

Question?

Uh, yeah.

In my line of boy adventuring,

I didn't really deal with angry natives, so...

Yeah, us neither.

Then call them whatever works for your specific genre's idiom.

Inner international jewel thief, for instance.

Inner supervillain.

Inner jelly doughnut...

Inner giant robot works.

Johnny, you can stop hugging the native now.

[LAUGHTER]

Come on, guys.

By the way, you never bothered

to ask the little fella his name.

Oh! Um...

Eh, what's-- what's your name?

Chemical Dependence.

See what I just did there?

ALL: Ahhhhh...

Okay, um, Dr. Venture, it's your turn.

All right, but uh, just do me a favor

and whisper your name to me

when we get to that part, okay?

Ow! Charlie horse.

Okay, so...

Oh, we're up to the hug already?

[GAGGING]

Uh, what is this? Like, a primal scream thing?

Am I supposed to--

[IMITATES GAGGING]

[GAGGING]

What happened?

Did I just kill Premature Ejaculation?

Holy vanishing vitals! He's dead!

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Too heavy. This is too heavy!

Get out of there, Dale. What are you trying to do?

Detective work, Lance. Remember that?

Rusty, smell the tea.

Poison?

Chamomile.

But there is something else.

It's familiar, but I can't--

What the hell is Ro-Boy doing?

Why won't he reboot?

Doesn't he have one of these?

Holy rigormortis.

Ro-Boy made something reboot.

Check it out.

Whoa! Whoa! Out of the way!

Dudes, get back!

That is a Vietnamese two-step viper!

One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps.

There's no such thing.

Yeah, I'm making it up.

It's right there, dude!

That ain't a fucking hologram,

or an old lighthouse keeper in a rubber mask, okay?

I mean there's no such snake.

- That's an urban myth. - Bro's right. I googled it.

Hey, Encyclopedia Brown-noser,

can you Google this thing the hell away from me?

Don't panic, Rusty.

I carry snake repellant in my utility belt.

I used to.

Okay, panic.

Why does it want me?

[GASP!] Snake pheromones.

Why?!

[SCREAMING]

Oh!

[SIGHS OF RELIEF, NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Nice work, Ro-Boy.

Johnny, you're getting his files?

Uh, no, I was getting prescription pads.

But you want the files? Cool.

Wait, wait, why do you want his files?

The doctor treated a lot of shady characters

in his other groups.

I bet you real money one of them had it out for him.

Stop this. We're retired.

Don't drag us into another mystery.

The man tried to help us.

We owe it to him. And to Dad.

So maybe the guy was, what, into snakes?

You don't know he was murdered.

Oh, no? What's wrong with this picture?

I wanna have sex with that bird?

Did the doctor strike you at all as a smoker?

Holy clue and a half!

The murderer must've dropped it.

Exactly. No, no, don't touch that-- Okay.

Hey, I know this place.

'Bout five miles from here.

And it ain't the kind of joint the doc would hang out in.

If you know what I mean.

Then what do you say, boy adventurers?

[GRUNTS]

No! No!

Gah!

[PANTING]

What the --

[GRUNTS]

Yar! I'm Anastos, prince of Elves!

[GRUNTING]

DOC: Well, Daphne, I believe.

She got around quite a bit. But Velma?

I always thought she was a--

Everybody did.

But I got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.

Hey, spark me up, Pyro-Boy.

Sure thing!

You guys ready to do this?

Are you, Mr. Sweater?

Could get rough in there.

Don't worry, we boy detectives know how to play hard.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah, we're having us a little man adventure now.

Ooh, there, that guy in the back.

I recognize his face from the files.

He's from the Thursday night henchman recovery group.

He is definitely not working his program.

I've seen that guy before.

He used to be a hench for Dr. Z.

Shoulda known he was behind this.

BIKER: How's it going, Johnny?

Sup, Francis? You're in my way, there.

BIKER: You've been banned, junkie.

Now turn around and take your little faggot friends with you.

Or I'm gonna have to get rough with you.

Hey, underpants!

You mess with one boy adventurer,

you mess with all of us.

I think they were hoping you'd say that.

Looks like you got a little herpe on your lip there.

You been kissing your wife's ass...

after I put herpe in there.

What?!

DOC: Oh, no he didn't.

JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah!

Even diarrhea doesn't take this long.

Where could he be?

Wait, I think he called.

I have, like, 12 messages.

Nobody's ever left me a message before.

- What do I do? - Here.

Yeah, hey, boys.

Sorry to punk out on ya like that.

But, I...

I am backsliding big time.

I had to run home to get my meds, so.

Hey, boys, I'm all outta meds!

And the O.S.I. folks,

they don't seem to be answering my calls,

so, heh, getting a little antsy,

and I've locked myself in the panic room.

Oh, hey.

Thought I called Princess Tinyfeet.

But while I got ya on the horn,

I might as well tell ya I've been drinking again.

No big surprise there!

Hey, um, can we get a ride?

Dude, tell me you didn't walk out

before the credits were over!

JOHNNY: Okay, minor setback fellas.

He was just a puppet anyway.

We want the man pulling the strings.

Hey, how are those balls doing, Rust?

Spirit is up and roving,

but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.

All right, everyone get ready for action.

Trick or treat, old man.

What? Okay. Hold on.

I didn't realize it was the 31st already.

We have only some old sour balls and Kraft caramels.

Cut the crap, Z!

Ah, if it isn't Action Johnny.

To what do I owe this pleasure?

Come to steal an old man's medication again?

I think you know why we're here.

Hmph!

Big tough guy when you have your friends with you, aren't you?

- Hello again, Rusty. - Dr. Z.

Why'd you kill him, Z? To get to me?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have not arched you in years.

Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!

You're gonna tell me you didn't send your flunky

to murder our therapist with a Vietnamese two-step viper?

Bah!

When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it.

A giant metal crab would tear the roof off of your trailer.

No less than six suicidal assassins

would spring from its belly!

I would never stoop to striking at you

through some civilian proxy.

And I certainly would not do it with a made-up snake!

WOMAN: Lazlo, who's at the door?

Just some old friends, my lovely.

Are they hungry?

Sergeant Hatred?

Come on, open up.

We want to help you!

Now, boys, I locked myself in here for your safety.

I'm gonna be okay.

I know what I have to do now.

So just back away from the door,

and go hide someplace I can't see you.

Uncle Hatred's gonna calmly exit the panic room

and head straight for the hangar.

What's in the hangar? More medicine?

We can get it for you.

No, I'm taking the X-1 and I'm going to Thailand!

Just for a little while, just so I can buy

a beautiful brown little boy-girl

to keep in my room for when the urges come!

You can't do that!

Sure, I can!

Gary Glitter told me where to get one.

And Dean?

Dean, wouldn't you like to have

a beautiful brown little brother/sister?

No! And beautiful boy-girls aren't the answer!

You have to fight the bad urges.

I can't! Not without my meds!

Yes, you can! I know you can.

Just do whatever you used to do

before they gave you the medicine.

Princess Tinyfeet!

She's what I used to do.

She was the only thing

that ever got me over my dirty little weakness.

But she won't return my calls!

Mmm.

Thanks, Mrs. Z.

Wow, this one really loves my cooking.

I like him.

Oh, thirds? Really? That's a good idea.

You don't see a connection between this...

and this!

I can't help it. It's compulsive.

I was seeing someone about it.

[CHUCKLES] Isn't she a treasure?

Would you believe Mrs. Z is actually older than I?

Hey, just like me and Rust.

I'm the older one, but he looks like he could be my dad.

That's because you've got

more chemical preservatives in you than a twinkie.

And don't try to tell me that isn't a weave.

So, a snake kills your psychiatrist,

and you fly all the way down here

in the middle of the night

to beat up an old man because of a matchbook?

Yeah, sounds kind of sloppy when you say it.

When are you boys going to grow up?

Didn't you get enough of this nonsense when you were kids?

We had to do something. It was a mystery.

There's always a mystery.

It never ends.

Not until you decide when enough is enough.

You mean just give it all up?

Yes! Why not?

Leave it to the next 10-year-old boy

with a jetpack and a spyglass.

Take it from an old man -- there is more to life.

I am much happier now that I settled down with Mrs. Z

than I ever was chasing Johnny around with a laser.

I only regret that it took so long for me to figure it out.

We never had children of our own, you see.

We married late.

And though my lover's mountains

are both beautiful and bountiful,

I'm afraid the valley below is quite barren.

I thought we could not have kids because I was your beard.

[CHUCKLES]

Dr. Z, Mrs. Z, would you like to adopt me?

ALL: Aww, that's sweet.

Dr. Z is right.

You know, I should thank you guys.

You all made me realize something important tonight.

I'm not alone.

Band of brothers, man.

No, I mean...

What the hell am I doing in therapy in the first place?

I'm no drug addict.

I don't have an eating disorder.

And as much as I resented my father,

I never wanted to kill him.

Whoa, that was never proven.

And most importantly, I grew up.

I'm not a boy adventurer.

I have my own business, and my own family.

And if you'll excuse me,

I think it's high time I got back to them.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[HATRED CRYING]

Sergeant Hatred?

There's someone here who wants to talk to you.

Nibblet? Honey!

Now!

[SCREAMING]

[HANK CROWS] B team --

hit him!

Princess!

Whyyy!

[GROANS]

Thanks, dude.

No, thank you.

I so owed him one.

Out of nowhere, there's this big glowing viking longboat

and it comes out of the clouds.

And everybody who ever died in all these films is on it,

and then it carries him--

- Oh, hey. - Hey, boss!

Just you in here? Thought I heard you talking.

I was pod blogging... casting... diary.

Oh, so how was it?

Better than the first one.

I like the second one a little better.

Yeah, that's what they were saying on Ain't It Cool.

Yeah, all in all, a fitting end to the trilogy, though.

Cool.

Okay, well, uh, good night then.

Good night, boss.

Oh, did you, uh, remember to take care of that thing?

Yeah, yeah totally.

Office was on the way to the theater.

So we slipped the snake right through the air vent.

He's gotta be dead by now.

Then Venture's got no more excuses!

Excellent!

Reload the scarionette cannon!

Tomorrow, we arch anew!

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