Original subtitles

Hey, Monarch!

Huh?

I'm taking your fuckin' car!

[MONARCH MUMBLES]

21: 24! 24!

Nooooo!!

Nooo!

AGENT: Agent Samson!

Agent Samson, can you hear me?

Medic! I need a medic over here!

DOCTOR: Heartrate's dropping.

We gotta get that...

schrapnel out of him now!

It's huge.

I need more suction here...

He's flatlining.

Stay with us, Samson!

Oh, you are a squirmy one, Venture.

Sit still.

Hank... Hank?

Do you have it? Over.

HANK [ON RADIO]: Yeah, it's a clean shot.

Good! Hold it there.

Dean? Come in, Dean.

DEAN [ON RADIO]: Aahh! What?

Did you stab him to death yet?

No, I didn't. I lost my knife again.

Because I hate it.

HANK: I'm gonna take my shot now.

I have it figured out that if I can just

skim pop's belt buckle,

maybe the bullet will ricochet off it

and kill the guy with the gun.

Hank, I will give you so much money

to not shoot your dad.

DEAN: I don't wanna do this, Mr. Hatred.

I'm not giving you a choice here!

You gotta stab Hitler!

I can't!

All right, ya forced my hand.

[OVER PA] H.E.L.P.eR., come in H.E.L.P.eR.

H.E.L.P.eR., murder Hitler.

Down boy!

Down! Down! Heel!

Giant Boy Detective, no!

Come back!

Dean! Don't look at it!

Shut your eyes, Dean!

Don't look at it, no matter what happens!

It's beautiful!

Ahh!

You're getting face all over me!

Hot melting face!

I did it...

Yep, I hit every light with one bullet.

Ow!

[GASP!]

[GROANING]

Hello? Anyone?

[GROANING]

MAN: Well, what the hell do we do with the big lug

when he wakes up?

MAN 2: We put him back to work.

MAN: The guy's a damn traitor. He quit the agency!

MAN 2: Top brass thinks there's still some use for him

if he can be persuaded to curtail

certain anti-social behaviors.

What're they thinkin'? The old brain drain?

Full memory wipe?

No. That brain of his has got

20 years worth of news we can use.

He just needs a little attitude adjustment.

Wakey wakey, Mr. Hatred.

It's time to make all those little naked boys in your head go bye bye...

MAN 3: Stop him!!

[MAN SCREAMING]

Bring him back to room 2-2-7 and strap him down.

Oh, Samson. What're you doing out of bed--

Oh, hey!

What'd you bastards do to me?

You were dying! We saved your life!

Why, so I could be one of your zombies?

I know the kind of shit you do on this level.

Sick bay was full of wounded!

We had nowhere else to bring you!

H.E.L.P.eR.: [MUFFLED BEEP]

What the hell did you do to me?

Just relax, Samson.

Let us take care of you.

Oh, God!

Please... don't kill me!

I'm not.

H.E.L.P.eR.: [FRANTIC BEEPING]

No! No, H.E.L.P.eR!

Whatever you do, do not engage your helicopter blades!

You'll kill us both!

H.E.L.P.eR.: [INQUISITIVE PANICKED BLEEP]

No, I won't. Just trust me.

AGENT: Aaaahhh!

Hank, you take out the lights.

I'll get the Nazis.

I mean, if Oswald can squeeze off

three hot slugs in six seconds,

old Hatred can drop evil Nazis in half that time.

Is it me, or does every Nazi wanna clone Hitler?

It's like the only thing they think of.

Seems that way, right?

I guess when everybody hates you,

ya fixate on making rotten Hitlers.

How can you say that about Hitler?!

I love Hitler! And Hitler loves me!

He's not all bad.

Hitler just needs someone to believe in him!

Can't you just give Hitler a chance?

Dean! Hitler is a mass murderer!

He's pure evil! And you have to kill him!

I won't destroy the only thing I've ever loved!

I won't kill Hitler! Never ever!

[WAILING SOBS]

You might want to look at your face.

Oh, come on!

I shoulda asked RuPaul to paint my camo face!

I'll kill Hitler!

I've killed hundreds of Nazis before.

Many of them with a grenade launcher.

Medal of Honor, Heroes II.

I can also blow up a submarine.

He must be killed with this golden dagger.

And only after the cleansing of fire.

And Dean is the only one

he'll let get close enough to do it.

All right, everybody out.

I gotta wipe.

Good lord, have you been using the toilet under there

this whole time?

We are at war with Hitler again!

This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!

Hank, hand me that magazine!

We're out of TP.

HANK: Hey, um.. Mister?

News flash from the situation room.

We're outta toilet paper...

You told me you hadda make number one, not number two, kid.

Well, I don't speak your special spy code talk!

Come on, dude.

Don't make me do the crab walk here.

[SIGHS] Fine, kid.

Where do you keep the shit tickets in this dump?

HANK: The linen closet! Right down the hall.

Hurry!

Jeez, deliver me from 1978.

Did you find it?

No, but I think I found your dad's time machine.

H.E.L.P.eR.: [INQUISITIVE BLEEPS]

Dammit, H.E.L.P.eR.,

if I wasn't afraid it might stop my heart,

I would shut you down.

"'Don't take another step,' said Giant Boy Detective, urgently.

"The floor is booby-trapped?

'How do you know?' asked Suzy--"

All right, Wishbone.

Why don't you give Giant Boy Detective a rest?

You're givin' me a migraine here.

I only have five more chapters to go.

It'd be a whole lot more fun if you read Suzy's parts.

"'Gosh,' said Suzy,

'How did you know it was the rancher all along?'

'Simple, Suzy,' thundered Giant Boy Detective,

his freakishly loud voice

echoing off the walls of the old mine.

'Cow patties don't sparkle.

That was gold dust on his boots!'

The end." Happy now?

Wow. I did not see that coming.

Brock!

I know you couldn't quit us!

Shh. They can't know that I'm here.

H.E.L.P.eR.: [BEEP BEEP!]

H.E.L.P.eR! I knew you couldn't quit us!

You gotta be quiet. I don't have much time.

Now where is everybody?

Hank's in the bathroom with Mr. Doe or something.

Pop's getting yelled at by a bunch of your old friends...

Samson! What the dog-dammit are you doing back?

Brock, are you 'on the lam'?

No time to explain. Here.

Give this to your dad for me. I gotta go.

Wait. Are you taking H.E.L.P.eR. with you?

Yyyyyeah, Dean.

I'm afraid I gotta borrow him for a while.

Then here. Take my hoverbike.

You keep it, Dean.

And tell your brother... I don't know.

Tell him to "stay gold" or you write something.

You're good with words.

[GROANS]

Had a total cray-pas situation up there.

Took me a while to lock it down.

Whoa? What happened to these guys?

What did you bore them to death?

Brock.

H-He was just here. You missed him.

Oooh, yeah.

And what, he whisked away up the chimney

with a thumb of his nose?

Ooh! Wait!

I think I hear hoof steps up on the roof!

[JET ENGINE APPROACHES]

That's the X-1! Maybe Brock's back!

You hear that, Giant Boy Detective? Brock's home!

His name isn't Giant Boy Detective.

And Dad said he has to go.

Giant Boy Detective isn't going anywhere.

Aw, H. E. Double hockey sticks!

It's the X-1 alright.

But that sure ain't Brock.

What the hell did you do to my jet!?

You, sir, are lucky I returned it.

No, you're lucky it has a homing autopilot function!

What is going on? Who are these idiots?

This is my LARP crew, The Orchard Street Wolf Pack.

They are here to keep the peace.

Now step aside!

I have business to attend to!

Finally! Look what they did to my jet.

HATRED: I think the Monarch's boys did that.

Whatever! Just... I don't know.

Kill these guys or something.

What you got there? Foam swords?

- We made them ourselves. - Mine's a battle axe.

Look, I'm sorry!

But I'm in deep doo-doo with this whole cloning thing.

The O.S.I.'s on my ass,

and now I have these other nut-bags

making me clone their dead hero "or else."

I don't care.

I gave you a priceless family heirloom and you deceived me.

Now good day!

I've come to seek council with the necromancer in your village.

But you're a necromancer!

That's what necromancers do!

That is the definition of necromancer!

Well, yes, technically.

But the term is used loosely these days.

Magician, wizard, warlock...

they sound rather goofy.

Necromancer is all we've got left.

Omelet?

You can't do anything?

I'm sorry, I can't hel-

What is that racket?!

Drop it! Drop it, boy!

Drop! Drop it!

He's been in my reliquary chest!

I'm sorry! My dad wanted to kill him!

I was gonna hide him here!

He has the holy arm of Saint Moses the Black of Scete!

Where did he even find it?

This dog has a great evil in him!

That is learned behavior.

That's the owner's fault usually.

You have to show them that you're the alpha male!

Not even the great Cesar Milan

could whisper this hell hound!

Dean, give me your funny pages!

Bad news, Dean.

Your dog is the spawn of hell,

and you must kill him.

Why does everybody want to kill my dog!?

Because he carries the soul of evil!

I must prepare the ritual of cleansing!

I totally wish that guy lived next to me.

Seriously cool.

And his daughter is pretty.

Bonus...

Hey, uh, what comic book were you reading?

SURGEON: I've done all that I can,

but he's highly unstable in this state.

We thank you, Herr Doctor.

You will be rewarded handsomely

in the fourth Reich.

Yeah, whatever.

But if you fellas don't find another body soon,

you're gonna be all out of Reichs.

[BLOWS LANDING, GRUNTING]

Workin' with Nazis now?

That's pretty low, even for you.

Oh, hey. You Hunter's friend, right?

Not anymore. I need an operation fast.

And you're the best I know at this kind of...

unorthodox work.

Lemme guess -- you want to beat up Hunter

but you can't punch a girl?

So you want me to make a snip, snip!

Meow! Cat fight!

What? No.

I want you to remove something a little higher up.

What made you change your mind?

Huh?

I put in a lot of those this year.

Ever since the Iron Man,

everybody wants the robot hearts.

Yeah, well... theirs probably don't talk this much.

How come all of a sudden you trust me now?

What's to stop me from killing you

when you're under?

Him...

Hmm.

Oh.

Aha!

Okay.

And... time!

Wha!

Oh...

the stopwatch doesn't have an hour function, so...

whatever.

You somehow built your blindfold into your gun.

And I'm pretty sure the trigger doesn't go there.

Hank, where is your uniform?

I'm not wearing that clown suit.

And you are not the boss of me.

Au contraire!

I'm Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano!

I am full on Charles in Charge of you!

You are my unit!

Unit.

And a unit operates as one!

We dress the same, we walk the same,

we eat the same!

Do you like pineapples and ham on your pizza?

Gross, no.

Well you do now!

Why? Because I do!

Unit!

Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you

how much you love country and western music!

Brock is my bodyguard.

Not you.

Take this.

Cool! Okay.

Now shoot me.

Huh? Really?

Henry, I trust you.

And if you don't trust me, I want you to shoot me.

Hank. I don't like Henry.

Well I love Henry!

Now shoot me!

Those bullets are like a dollar each!

I'm taking every missed shot out of your allowance!

Will you two stop it!

[SOBBING]

When the going gets tough, that boy always gets going.

You really want me to shoot you?

I have tried everything to earn your respect.

If this is what it's gonna take to get it,

I'll take the bullet!

Shoot me, Henry!

That's two dollars out of your allowance,

and I'm still not bleeding!

Hot damn potato!

Ya hit me!

Oh my God! I am so sorry.

Don't apologize, boy!

Remember this moment!

Remember when we became blood brothers!

Remember when ol' Hatred took a bullet for you!

Remember the power, the regret, the confusion!

Get it away from me!

Come on, Dean! H.E.L.P.eR.'s back!

It's just like when Brock was here!

He just wants a hug, Dean!

It's time, Steve.

I have to do this.

Violence begets violence.

You don't have to live like that anymore.

They played me for a fool.

Double-crossed me. All of them.

If I don't do this, I'll never be free.

Maybe you should wait a while.

I mean, you're not exactly in peak physical condition.

I'm just gonna keep getting softer if I stay any longer.

I tried to get you to run with me in the mornings...

You got bionic legs, man.

It's no fun trying to keep up.

Aww.

Hey, what's this? For me?

Well, we couldn't let you go off on a commando raid

half-dressed, now, could we?

I got you guys something, too.

I'm afraid art therapy isn't really my bag, but...

it's the least I could do to thank you for all your help.

It's beautiful.

We'll cherish it always.

I'll send you a postcard if I make it.

And you! Stay away from those campers, huh?

I don't wanna see you on YouTube again.

Why does everybody suddenly want clones?

What are you guys gonna pay me with, a dog?

I'm not taking any more barters!

I need cash.

You will be paid handsomely.

You and your family will live like kings

in the glory of the new fatherland!

Wait!

You guys are Nazis!

- Nein, we are not. - Yes, you are!

And that's like the worst fake German accent I've ever heard.

Vis is undt outrage!

Yours is worse! Wait!

I get this... really?

You went with that clich�?

C'mon, really?

This dog is the Blood Grail!

In his veins flows the blood

of our leader.

Yeah, Hitler.

I'm not cloning Hitler! Get out of here.

This is not a request.

You have eight months to take that dog

and make a beautiful pink sweet baby Hitler.

If upon our return,

this is not accomplished,

the consequences will be grave,

Herr Dr. Venture.

A doggie!

And he likes me.

Hank, we can't wait for Brock anymore.

We need a bodyguard.

Aw, c'mon!

DEAN: The doggie made a poo poo!

Great! Some fucking master race...

Dean, don't get attached to that rotten dog,

he's not staying.

MOLOTOV: Burgos, Carl.

Serbian diplomat.

He's giving a speech at the U.N. on Thursday

and the JSO want him dead.

But not in their back yard.

Hmph. What's the offer?

One hundred fifty.

Tell 'em two hundred and give it to Zara. Next.

Gustavson, Paul.

Norwegian industrialist.

Greenpeace says the pollution from his factory...

What the-- Hey!

What? Hey! Who are you?

Are you with the Blackhearts?

None of your business. Get out of here.

You get out of here. I was here first.

Why don't you make me?

Last order of business.

I think we may have a mole within the organization.

Really? What gives you...

that impression?

Idiots!

[GRUNTING]

Whoa whoa whoa.

Easy, there, Babe Ruthless.

That's close enough.

Samson!? Jeez, is that you?

You have really let yourself go.

What're you gonna do, little man -- woman.

I know you know how to stab me in the back,

but do you really have the balls to shoot me?

Nope.

But she does.

All right, let's say I do it.

You do understand that he'll be a little baby

and have none of your friend's memories.

Really? That's a gyp.

I thought maybe he'd look like Hank.

Fat chance, I lost all my slugs with your friend out there.

Fine! Do it!

I will raise him as my own son!

Anything!

Just bring 24 back to me, please!

Okay, okay! Let's see the half mill.

This relic belonged to my father's father.

It has been passed down to the first born male

in my family's line.

What? It's a comic.

A comic that has a price on it for ten cents.

A comic? That is Marvel number one!

Look, I wasn't born yesterday.

There is no way that something featuring Ka-zar the Great,

and 12 pages of jungle adventure is worth half a million bucks.

That's in almost dead mint condition!

That is CGC rated at 9.6!

Okay, why don't you go sell your magic beans

to another superscientist

with an illegal cloning facility.

I'm done with this crap.

Hold on to this. Look it up on the internet.

You will see that what I tell you is completely true.

And take this.

What's this -- the world's most valuable cooler?

It's cloning material. It's 24's finger.

It still has the Blackbeard's diamond treasure ring I got him.

You can keep that too, I guess.

It's worth two low, low payments of 29.95.

Alright, get out of here.

I don't want to tell my kids about this crap.

Sorry about the bad news Highlander.

Looks like you'll never see the Quickening.

Huh?

Hey, Pop!

This came for you all the way from Argentina.

Hank, this is opened already.

I had to, it was beeping.

So explosive device never occurred to you?

Hank, you gotta be more careful now!

Your safety net's gone.

I know... Brock's gone.

Yeah, that too.

What is this?

It's H.E.L.P.eR.'s head wrapped up in Brock's coat.

Good God, he's been left on.

It's okay.

Okay, I know, boy, it must have been a nightmare.

Hank, push the eyes for five seconds while I hold this.

Are we retrieving his data files

to find out where Brock is?

He's in Argentina near a Mailboxes, Etc.

No, this is a hard-reboot.

I'm not about to send a robot to therapy.

Can I have Brock's jacket?

If you're so excited about worthless garbage,

you want this too?

Yeah, totally!

What? What's this crap?

Where's Batman?!

SPHINX AGENT: What is your relationship

with the assassin Molotov Cocktease?

It's... complicated.

SPHINX AGENT 2: How long have you known about our operation?

What operation?

I didn't even know you guys still existed.

You expect us to believe it's just coincidence

that an O.S.I. agent waltzed into the middle

of an ongoing S.P.H.I.N.X. operation?

I don't care what you believe.

I told you, I'm not with the agency anymore.

I quit. Or they fired me.

I don't even know anymore, man.

I see.

Well, then perhaps we'll leave the two of you

to discuss what it is we should do with you.

"The two of you?"

Helluva pickle you got us into, eh, boy-o?

Hunter! They got you, too, huh?

Well it serves you right, you two-timing bitch.

What the hell are you so P.O.'d at me for?

So I sicced those three reprobates on you.

So what? You're Brock Samson, damn it!

Thought I'd add a little spice to your life.

So, what, you did me a favor?

You're damn skippy, I did!

Got you out of that dead end job

and back to doing what you're best at.

And then what?

You were hoping I'd be so grateful to you and Molotov

I'd join up with your little thrill kill girls' club?

Sorry, I don't have the tits for it.

'Coulda fooled me, Poppin' Fresh.

Unless...

you were working undercover...

That's it.

Work it out, Thinkenstein.

The sex change, the defection -- it was all a ruse

so you could infiltrate Molotov's group?

Well, you're half-right so far...

You're still with O.S.I., aren't you?

S.P.H.I.N.X. wasn't after Molotov --

they were after you!

I knew it!

Boy-o...

you don't know dick.

The cleansing of fire is complete.

Now Hitler must die...

again.

Bring me Giant Boy Detective!

He ran away.

Hark! Who goes there?!

It's okay, Giant Boy Detective.

Who's a good dog?

I mean, Hitler.

Who's a good... Fuhrer?

Alert! Come in--

Na, na, no, lone wolf.

We don't want to tattle.

[ROARING]

[HITLER WHIMPERS]

I can cross "stab Hitler to death"

off my list of cool crap I thought I'd never get to do.

Brock?

Hey Hank... killed Hitler...

W-Why are you here? Why are you wearing that?

Why didn't you say good bye to me?

- Why didn't-- - Hank! Listen buddy.

You have to trust me.

You can't tell anybody we were here.

This is our little secret.

Why did you leave me?

Hank, I'll never leave you.

But right now, these guys need me a little more.

You can share me Hank, can't you?

I mean look how big you got.

Can barely get my hands around these shoulders.

HATRED: Hank! Hank!

I'm over here! It's okay! I'm with--

Hank, did you kill Hitler?

No, it was... it was...

an angel.

Oh... I thought it was you.

I was gonna buy you an ice cream cake and stuff.

Naw, I was just kidding.

Yeah, it was me.

I totally killed Hitler.

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