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1
00:00:01,950 --> 00:00:03,790
[BIRDS CALLING]
2
00:00:21,810 --> 00:00:22,720
Doh!
3
00:00:22,850 --> 00:00:24,680
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
What the hell are you doing?
4
00:00:24,810 --> 00:00:27,270
I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett
making her big comeback.
5
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,730
What do you think I'm doing?
6
00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:31,690
I'm not gonna sleep in the bed
you pleasured Phantom Limb in.
7
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:33,110
I'm burning the bed and the--
8
00:00:33,230 --> 00:00:35,030
What are these?
Little league trophies?
9
00:00:35,150 --> 00:00:36,650
And all these self help books.
10
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:37,780
Then sell 'em!
11
00:00:37,910 --> 00:00:39,410
Do you have to burn 'em?
It's insane!
12
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:40,780
You know what's insane?
13
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:43,330
That you slept with a guy
who read The Secret.
14
00:00:43,450 --> 00:00:44,580
You want the secret?
15
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,370
Yeah, your ex-boyfriend's pathetic!
16
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:49,040
Shh. Don't tell anyone. Secret.
17
00:00:49,170 --> 00:00:51,840
Honey, there's no way you're
still upset about Limb.
18
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,050
What's really bothering you, sweets?
19
00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:57,720
It's this whole thing. Ow!
20
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,510
This house, this neighborhood.
21
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,600
I can't believe I live in
a town called Malice!
22
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,390
What? It's an excellent community.
23
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,480
Lowest property tax in the district.
24
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,640
three supermarkets, and--
25
00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:10,520
And it's a gated community
for supervillains.
26
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:12,900
It's like Boca Raton on
Halloween around here!
27
00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,070
It's not that bad.
28
00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:16,030
I mean, Manta Claws
lives a block away.
29
00:01:16,150 --> 00:01:17,360
You used to love Manta Claws.
30
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,860
Till I found out he uses
a little hidden scuba tank
31
00:01:19,990 --> 00:01:22,070
and the claws are made of sculpie.
32
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,620
What about Sergeant Hatred?
You like him, right?
33
00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:26,410
Sergeant Hatred?
34
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:29,410
Sweetie, I only hung out with him
so my henchmen could rob him blind
35
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:31,790
while I pretended
to listen to his boring stories.
36
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,750
Well, he's having
some kind of party tonight.
37
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,380
And he was nice enough
to invite us.
38
00:01:36,510 --> 00:01:37,630
I think we should go.
39
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,010
Yeah, I'll be sure to put
that on my "to don't" list.
40
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,140
What the hell does he have
to celebrate anyway?
41
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:47,350
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
42
00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,730
[BOYS WHIMPERING]
43
00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:54,520
Hank, if a big man walks
out of the burning cloud,
44
00:01:54,650 --> 00:01:57,150
do not be afraid.
That's Jesus.
45
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,740
SERGEANT HATRED: Attention
Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture!
46
00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:04,320
This is Sergeant Hatred,
your new arch enemy.
47
00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:07,540
Prepare to meet your doom!
48
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:14,920
Oh, hey... Your dad around?
49
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,750
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC]
50
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:47,620
SGT. HATRED: I just gotta tell ya
what an honor it is
51
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:51,750
to be working with the legend himself,
the Dr. Venture!
52
00:02:51,870 --> 00:02:54,670
The guy who put the "pro"
into protagonist.
53
00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:56,500
[VENTURE LAUGHS]
Well, thank you.
54
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:58,670
And sorry again,
about my man, Brock.
55
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,340
No, no. My bad.
56
00:03:00,470 --> 00:03:03,300
I shouldn't have come blowing
in here like the big bad wolf.
57
00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:05,640
But when those
new marching orders came down
58
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,430
from the Guild brass, I just thought,
59
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:10,270
"Hatred, why don't you swing
the old welcome tank
60
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,850
over to the Venture compound
61
00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:14,690
and give those kids a basket
of howdy-do!"
62
00:03:14,810 --> 00:03:16,480
Is "howdy-do" fruit?
63
00:03:16,610 --> 00:03:17,560
Okra!
64
00:03:17,690 --> 00:03:19,690
Me and the misses grow
the hell out of it.
65
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,440
Personally, I can't stand the stuff.
66
00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:23,860
So you're not here to try
to kill me, then?
67
00:03:23,990 --> 00:03:26,030
Not yet, anyway.
[LAUGHS]
68
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,820
This is just a meet and greet.
69
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:29,830
Whoa, hey! Fancy!
70
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:35,870
See, Dr. Venture,
I've been at this a lotta years.
71
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,580
And the one thing I've learned is
72
00:03:37,710 --> 00:03:40,550
there's no good reason
on God's green Earth
73
00:03:40,670 --> 00:03:43,340
that arching has to be
a completely unpleasant experience
74
00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:44,420
for either of us.
75
00:03:44,550 --> 00:03:45,720
Speaking of green Earth,
76
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,100
what do ya got out there,
Kentucky Bluegrass?
77
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,220
Ah, that is lush!
78
00:03:49,350 --> 00:03:51,180
Nah, that's my own special blend
79
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:52,930
of Blue Ridge and Creeping Red.
80
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,690
I'm gonna say it again... lush!
81
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:57,980
So you won't be tearing my roof off
in the middle of the night
82
00:03:58,110 --> 00:04:00,520
or shooting at the guests attending
my monthly Book Club?
83
00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:03,360
No, none of that amateur hour malarkey.
84
00:04:03,490 --> 00:04:05,240
I know the difference
between arching
85
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,660
and real life, thank you.
86
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,450
"Hate to live, don't live to hate."
That's my motto.
87
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,790
Huh. That almost sounds sane
compared to my last arch enemy.
88
00:04:12,910 --> 00:04:14,580
Okay, that's not even close
89
00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:16,250
to the way "linens" is spelled,
90
00:04:16,370 --> 00:04:19,080
but those go in the hall closet, upstairs.
91
00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:22,710
Hey, you think you can
sign this, boss? It's for 24.
92
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,050
He got knifed by the Moppets.
93
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:25,420
Which one is 24 again?
94
00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:27,220
What? You're kidding, right?
95
00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:28,340
Let me give you hint --
96
00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:31,930
you know how every time you talk to me
there's usually another guy next to me?
97
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:33,520
- That's 24.
- Right, right, right.
98
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,060
The one who sounds like
Ray Romano. I like him.
99
00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:38,770
Oh, and hey, I staked out
the room upstairs with the--
100
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,230
You are not sleeping
in this house, 21.
101
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:42,570
None of you are!
102
00:04:42,690 --> 00:04:43,610
Aaah!
103
00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:45,990
Uh, what the Monarch is
trying to say is...
104
00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:48,610
We've discussed it,
and we just think it's time
105
00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:50,820
we started keeping our home separate.
106
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:52,950
You're not gonna live
in this sweet crib?
107
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,120
No, we are, but--
108
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,700
Well, then which one is my room?
109
00:04:55,830 --> 00:04:57,790
No, "we," meaning
the Monarch and I.
110
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,620
Honey, a little help here?
111
00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:02,290
Minions!
Retreat to the Cocoon!
112
00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:03,800
Now!
113
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,510
You don't need to discuss
with henchmen.
114
00:05:05,630 --> 00:05:08,680
Now what's this crap with your
Moppets and 24?
115
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,300
It's awful. Tim-Tom and Kevin
116
00:05:10,430 --> 00:05:11,970
came to me in tears yesterday.
117
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,640
They're telling me the other
henchmen have been teasing them.
118
00:05:14,770 --> 00:05:16,810
Apparently 24 even picked
a fight with them.
119
00:05:16,930 --> 00:05:18,310
Can you believe that?
120
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,020
24? Not really.
121
00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:22,560
So, uh... any allergies?
122
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:23,770
Not that I know of.
123
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:24,820
- Are you an epileptic?
- No.
124
00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:26,650
Taking any prescription drugs
125
00:05:26,780 --> 00:05:29,530
that could have a negative interaction
with a tear gas...
126
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,320
- No.
- Nerve toxins?
127
00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:32,320
No.
128
00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,990
Napal-- I'm sorry.
I gotta ask all this stuff.
129
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,870
Okay, I'm just gonna throw
a few things out there
130
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,500
and on a scale of one to ten,
I want you to tell me
131
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:43,920
how much menace
you experience. Okay?
132
00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:45,800
- Hand grenades?!
- Two.
133
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,880
- Flamethrowers?
- Two.
134
00:05:48,010 --> 00:05:49,800
Okay... Spiders?
135
00:05:50,090 --> 00:05:51,800
- Giant or regular?
- Regular.
136
00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:53,470
I don't know. Like, one.
137
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,510
- Giant spiders?!
- Three.
138
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,180
Are you sure? Giant spiders...
139
00:05:58,310 --> 00:06:00,980
- Maybe you wanna go to "four"?
- Fine, four!
140
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,190
Look, is this gonna take all day?
141
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:04,520
Hey, I'm just trying to get
ya the biggest bang
142
00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:06,360
for your arching buck here.
143
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,860
We're almost done. Sit tight.
144
00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:10,820
Wha-What-- What are you writing?
145
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,030
"Impatient."
146
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,620
Your response to the test
is part of the test.
147
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:15,740
Oh, come on!
148
00:06:15,870 --> 00:06:17,080
Vicious attack dogs!
149
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,080
And honestly, I don't think
they should be with the others.
150
00:06:20,210 --> 00:06:22,710
- They're delicate.
- Fine. They can stay here.
151
00:06:22,830 --> 00:06:25,670
But only until we get them
their own henchman uniforms.
152
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,000
Really? Oh, thank you, sweetie.
153
00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:29,760
It'll mean so much to them.
154
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,840
Tim-Tom! Kevin!
155
00:06:31,970 --> 00:06:32,880
He said it's okay!
156
00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,268
Yeah, yeah.
157
00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:35,680
What are you doing?!
158
00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:37,060
What? We're putting our bed--
159
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:38,310
What are you two, cats?
160
00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:40,230
You're not sleeping
at the foot of my bed!
161
00:06:40,350 --> 00:06:42,850
There are 20 rooms
in this house! Find one!
162
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:44,860
Well...
163
00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:46,860
I gotta roll out.
164
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:49,360
I got a soir�e at 1800 hours
165
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:52,070
and I still gotta go
to the Costco on the way home
166
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,450
to pick up some party platters.
167
00:06:54,570 --> 00:06:57,120
I just wanna say again how much
I'm looking forward
168
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,990
to working with you, Venture.
169
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,080
I think we're gonna have
a real blast together.
170
00:07:02,210 --> 00:07:03,290
Ooh, speaking of which--
171
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:04,710
[GUNSHOT]
172
00:07:04,830 --> 00:07:05,830
Whoa! Hey!
173
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,340
Oh, rubber bullets!
Rubber bullets.
174
00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,130
Just keeping it lively.
175
00:07:10,260 --> 00:07:12,090
It's not all charts and schedules.
176
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:13,430
[VENTURE SCREAMING]
177
00:07:13,550 --> 00:07:14,800
Wow!
178
00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:17,100
Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he?
179
00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:19,310
They usually don't break
the skin like that, I--
180
00:07:19,430 --> 00:07:21,140
- Malice troop!
- Sir.
181
00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:22,730
Yeah, we got a bleeder here.
182
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:24,350
86 the non-lethal.
183
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,730
We're going full Nerf on this one.
184
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:28,150
[SIGHS]
185
00:07:28,270 --> 00:07:32,240
No.
186
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,740
Geez, look at this guy.
187
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:36,410
Alright, I'll be back
in an hour or so.
188
00:07:36,530 --> 00:07:38,330
I'm just gonna make
an appearance to be polite.
189
00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:40,620
- You sure you don't wanna come?
- Positive.
190
00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:43,540
I'm just gonna curl up
with the new Guild Facebook.
191
00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:44,960
Maybe pick a new arch.
192
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,170
That's my old Monarch.
193
00:07:46,290 --> 00:07:48,290
You'll see, honey,
once you're back arching,
194
00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:50,670
everything will be just like it was.
195
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:51,880
Yeah, yeah.
196
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:54,130
Oh, be sure and tell Hatred "die" for me.
197
00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:55,840
[GROANS]
198
00:07:55,970 --> 00:07:58,510
Professor Flowers?
[SCOFFS]
199
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,140
Douche.
200
00:08:00,890 --> 00:08:03,270
Well, hello, Dr. Venture.
201
00:08:03,390 --> 00:08:04,980
Oh, hello.
202
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:07,940
- I didn't expect to see you here.
- Nor did I.
203
00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:08,980
Is this number five?
204
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:10,230
GIRLFRIEND:
Well yeah, but--
205
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,980
Oh, I see, yeah.
206
00:08:12,110 --> 00:08:14,110
You're looking for Sergeant Hatred.
207
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,160
Well, I was, but I'd say
I found something better.
208
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,200
[CHUCKLES]
209
00:08:19,330 --> 00:08:21,200
Yeah. I guess it's a typo.
210
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:22,240
He's right next door.
211
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:23,580
Just follow the cul-de-sac
212
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,710
to the house with the big "H"
on the lawn.
213
00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:27,830
You can't miss it.
214
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,210
[GROANS] I don't even know
why we're doing this.
215
00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:31,670
We kinda have to.
216
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:35,800
It's just one of the things
that comes with this life you chose.
217
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,340
"Chose," my keister!
218
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,890
My dad dumped this life in my lap
219
00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:40,970
like a cup of
scalding hot responsibility.
220
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,470
H-Honey, wait up.
221
00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:46,850
[DOOR OPENS]
222
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:49,980
What the hell's bells
are they doing here?
223
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,900
What? You invited us.
224
00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:56,700
Yeah, you. But those two lookers
aren't 18, are they?
225
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:59,070
- No, we're 16.
- Going on 17.
226
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,160
You gotta get 'em outta here.
227
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,200
I had some troubles back
before I met my wife.
228
00:09:04,330 --> 00:09:07,710
Long story short -- I'm not
allowed to be within 50 feet
229
00:09:07,830 --> 00:09:09,170
of a beautiful minor.
230
00:09:09,290 --> 00:09:11,000
Shoulda mentioned it back
at the compound.
231
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,880
Actually, I'm required by law.
232
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,260
Aah, alright.
233
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,090
Everybody back in the car.
234
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:19,470
The buzzkill boys have ruined
another night.
235
00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:21,220
No, no, don't go!
236
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:22,850
The party's just getting started!
237
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:25,180
Hey, everybody, it's the Monarch!
238
00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:27,560
And Dr. Used to Be His Girlfriend.
239
00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:30,230
Oh, what does my best man
need, a babysitter?
240
00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:32,400
I got a floating rumpus room
right next door
241
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,530
full of guys with nothing to do.
Live a little...
242
00:09:35,650 --> 00:09:37,280
Doc, do you think that's a good idea?
243
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,320
Stop your fussing.
244
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:40,280
He's been clipped. He's harmless.
245
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:41,410
Oooh, shrimp.
246
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:42,490
Here, here.
247
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,580
Come here, pin these
on your backs and come on in.
248
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,870
I'm sure you know the gang.
249
00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:51,580
Look at him! He's eating
all the cocktail shrimp.
250
00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:53,040
I hate guys who do that.
251
00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:54,420
Come on, it's a party.
252
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:57,050
Please don't do anything stupid.
253
00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,420
Okay, 24's out sick,
254
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:01,930
so, uh, you guys can sleep in here.
255
00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:03,300
Well, good night.
256
00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:05,390
Wait, dude! It's like 8:00 at night.
257
00:10:05,510 --> 00:10:07,810
Yeah, whoo. And I am, bushed.
258
00:10:07,930 --> 00:10:09,730
Oh, don't even try that.
259
00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:12,440
Look, no offense, but I'm
in no mood to play babysitter
260
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,480
to the Ritalin twins tonight, okay?
261
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:16,570
My life sucks quite enough
already, thank you.
262
00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:18,030
I have big boy problems.
263
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,240
- Girls?
- I wish.
264
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,280
Hemorrhoids?
265
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:23,570
Time for fun!
266
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:26,870
Now, everybody has the name
of a famous person
267
00:10:26,990 --> 00:10:28,080
pinned to their backs.
268
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:32,080
Everybody else will treat you
like the person on your tag.
269
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,330
First one to guess gets a prize!
270
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,000
Now mingle.
271
00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:39,260
Damn you, mingle!
272
00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:41,800
You're married to a powerful man.
273
00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:43,840
Uh, let's see...
274
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:45,220
Mrs. Hulk Hogan?
275
00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:46,970
No. Okay...
276
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,390
you're famous for your pink suit
and pillbox hat.
277
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,310
Uh, me?
278
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,980
You're a brainless failure
279
00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:57,110
and live entirely off your
father's name and fortune.
280
00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:59,070
- I'm George Bush?
- Hardly!
281
00:10:59,190 --> 00:11:02,240
I've never, never hated anyone
as much as you!
282
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,950
Wait, wait... Hitler?
283
00:11:04,070 --> 00:11:05,120
Did he have a famous father?
284
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,830
Worse! You wash up!
285
00:11:06,950 --> 00:11:09,580
You should just admit that you
will never amount to anything
286
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,330
and drink poison!
287
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:13,670
Oh, is it... uh...
288
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:15,330
Socrates' son?
289
00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:17,960
I loved you in
Fire Walk with Me,
290
00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:19,670
but most know your work in--
291
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,210
Yeah, great, whatever.
292
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:23,590
I'm Harry Dean Stanton.
293
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,010
SERGEANT HATRED:
We have a winner!
294
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:29,350
Oh, who the hell is
Jacqueline Onassis?
295
00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:31,180
Of course.
296
00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:32,680
Mariah Carey.
297
00:11:32,810 --> 00:11:34,770
So, close...
298
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:37,360
Seriously, I would have gotten that.
299
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,570
Hey, how you feeling?
300
00:11:39,690 --> 00:11:41,280
Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me.
301
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,030
How do you think I feel?
302
00:11:43,150 --> 00:11:45,490
Did you bring my... magazines?
303
00:11:45,610 --> 00:11:47,780
No, I brought something
way better.
304
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:50,660
I got someone here who came
to cheer you up.
305
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:52,700
He remembered?
[GROANING]
306
00:11:52,830 --> 00:11:54,710
Hey, there, glum chum!
307
00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:57,540
Alright, well, I'm gonna
leave you two to catch up.
308
00:11:57,670 --> 00:11:58,880
Good idea!
309
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,250
This room is officially quarantined!
310
00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:03,720
'Cause smiles are contagious.
311
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,930
I hate you.
312
00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:09,430
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [BOTH SNICKERING]
313
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:13,890
R and D. Yeah, this is where
my troops create
314
00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:16,020
all my cutting edge equipment.
315
00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:18,270
Yeah, we have similar stuff
over at the Cocoon.
316
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,110
- Only they're yellow.
- Sure you do.
317
00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:22,280
You got one of these?
30 dart repeater.
318
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,650
All the darts are stored
right here in the butt.
319
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:26,280
Yeah, standard issue.
320
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:27,780
Hmm. Well.
321
00:12:27,910 --> 00:12:29,870
What about this little number?
322
00:12:29,990 --> 00:12:31,910
Looks like a comm link,
but if you hit this--
323
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,750
Yeah, yeah, you hit that button
and it converts to a grapple gun.
324
00:12:34,870 --> 00:12:36,750
- We have those, too.
- Hmm.
325
00:12:36,870 --> 00:12:40,210
Well, here's a little something
that we just developed.
326
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:42,090
Micro explosives!
327
00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:44,340
You just stick this little
number on your target,
328
00:12:44,470 --> 00:12:47,880
set the timer, and it delivers
a blast of pin-point energy
329
00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:49,680
right where you want it.
330
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,180
Nice. I-I-I'm sure my men
331
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:54,140
are working on something
just like that.
332
00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:55,850
Well, of course they are.
333
00:12:55,980 --> 00:12:58,100
I met your crack team of henchmen.
334
00:12:58,230 --> 00:12:59,810
Impressive group of boys.
335
00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:01,230
Impressive.
336
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,190
Ooh! I gotta show you my battle room.
337
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,530
You will love this!
338
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:07,650
[EVIL CHUCKLE]
339
00:13:07,780 --> 00:13:09,070
Come on!
340
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,160
Oh, I'm right behind ya!
341
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,910
We leave the gas on,
342
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,410
they go in their sleep,
all quiet like.
343
00:13:15,540 --> 00:13:17,330
Aw, I wanted to hear 'em scream.
344
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:18,540
It's not as much fun,
345
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:20,330
but it'll look more
like an accident.
346
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:22,960
Then the Monarch won't be
expecting it when we--
347
00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:24,920
That's your big problem?
348
00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:26,630
You're scared of two little babies!
349
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,470
Dude, get back. They'll see you!
350
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:29,630
You got me all worked up.
351
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:31,930
- You said they had claws!
- Get back!
352
00:13:32,050 --> 00:13:33,930
Alright, so I exaggerated a little.
353
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:35,640
Did you see what they did to 24?
354
00:13:35,770 --> 00:13:39,390
They're like nasty, swearing
spider monkeys with knives.
355
00:13:40,342 --> 00:13:41,512
[GASPS]
Holy smokes!
356
00:13:41,650 --> 00:13:44,150
That lady is
is in her birthday suit.
357
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,650
I think they're watching
no-no movies.
358
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:49,320
They're not. They're watching Nell.
359
00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:50,950
And that's my DVD!
360
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:53,450
Dude, I think I just saw
Schindler's dingus.
361
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:54,490
Shh.
362
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:57,330
This sucks. When does she meet
Hannibal Lecter?
363
00:13:57,450 --> 00:13:59,500
Chikka-paw... Shut the fuck up!
364
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:00,830
Bitch is killing me.
365
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,630
I don't remember this part.
Is this the director's cut?
366
00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:06,670
Dude, holy crap!
367
00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:08,630
Book!
368
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,840
Aw, sweet infinity shot, though.
369
00:14:11,970 --> 00:14:13,850
It was 21. I saw him.
370
00:14:13,970 --> 00:14:16,510
I counted two piggies. Who's he with?
371
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,180
Who the hell you think?
372
00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:20,180
Thought he was still in sick bay.
373
00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:21,850
We must be losing our touch.
374
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:23,860
Well, let's get it back.
375
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:26,520
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
No, no, no. No apologies necessary.
376
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:28,030
It's all fair in love and war.
377
00:14:28,150 --> 00:14:30,860
Well, I just assumed that
the magic we shared that night
378
00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:32,860
was something bigger
than the both of us.
379
00:14:32,990 --> 00:14:34,030
Yeah, nothing happened.
380
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,200
Well if it did happen,
381
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:37,160
it was only because I didn't
know who you were.
382
00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:38,290
Nothing happened.
383
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:41,870
Many women have hit on me
because of my fame.
384
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,880
- Nothing happened!
- And some just sense the inner animal.
385
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,210
Pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.
386
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,170
Ugh! Nothing happened!
387
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,590
Are you sensing anything now?
388
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,800
My smell perhaps?
389
00:14:53,930 --> 00:14:55,140
Meow...
390
00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:57,850
So then my dad gets remarried, right --
391
00:14:57,970 --> 00:14:59,470
to my ex-girlfriend!
392
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,100
- It's almost incest.
- It's almost a Greek myth.
393
00:15:02,230 --> 00:15:03,140
[DOOR OPENS]
394
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,650
Dude, hide us!
395
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,560
KEVIN:
21 and 24,
396
00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:08,650
get your asses out here!
397
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:10,320
[24 WHIMPERS]
398
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,530
They ain't in 24's room.
399
00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:14,820
Come on out, ladies.
We just wanna talk.
400
00:15:14,950 --> 00:15:16,950
Wait a minute,
why do they want me?
401
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:17,990
What did I do?
402
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,160
What did you do?
403
00:15:20,290 --> 00:15:21,290
[TV PLAYING]
404
00:15:21,410 --> 00:15:22,910
Brock, what the hell are
you doing?
405
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,290
I'm watching this PBS special
on giant crossbows.
406
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,920
- Why?
- Looked cool.
407
00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:29,460
Why aren't you protecting me?
408
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:30,840
This is a den of thieves.
409
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:33,090
Doc, it's a bad party.
410
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:35,640
Granted, it's a party thrown
by your arch enemy.
411
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,390
But these guys have codes.
412
00:15:37,510 --> 00:15:40,100
You're safer here than you are
at the compound.
413
00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:43,180
Mmmm... Okay you sure about that?
414
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,810
No. I really wanna see these guys
shoot that crossbow.
415
00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:46,940
Thing's huge.
416
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:48,440
Hey, Venture, what are--
417
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:52,610
Oh, you gotta keep this door closed
or the cat will get out.
418
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:54,280
Is that what that thing was?
419
00:15:54,410 --> 00:15:56,200
I thought it was some guy
in a cat costume.
420
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,070
I know, it's huge.
421
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,160
I don't know what the heck
my wife feeds it.
422
00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:03,910
Son, you gotta get out there,
it's your party.
423
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,210
People wanna meet my Dr. Venture.
424
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:09,790
Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
425
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,420
We have something for you two,
a little present.
426
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,010
Tim-Tom!
427
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:17,300
Look what I found.
428
00:16:17,430 --> 00:16:18,970
Well, hello...
429
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:22,140
- What's this?
- Damn, even his dot is fat.
430
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,600
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
Flying! Flying!
431
00:16:23,810 --> 00:16:25,140
MONARCH:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!
432
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,890
- You're flying! Bird!
- We know he's a bird!
433
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,150
He's been doing the same thing
for five fucking minutes!
434
00:16:29,270 --> 00:16:31,320
Okay, my God! Go to the next word!
435
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,480
Birdman of Alcatraz!
436
00:16:32,610 --> 00:16:35,320
Next clue! Do a sounds like!
You're killing me!
437
00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:36,490
Time!
438
00:16:36,610 --> 00:16:37,570
Birdy!
439
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,240
Birdy! It was Birdy!
440
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:40,870
Oh, with Nicolas Cage.
441
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:46,160
Nice job. Would been nice if you told us
it was one word, though.
442
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,840
Let me show you how it's done.
443
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,130
Okay, go.
444
00:16:54,130 --> 00:16:55,840
- It's a movie.
- Duh.
445
00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:57,180
No talking.
446
00:16:57,970 --> 00:17:00,050
The Scorpion King?
447
00:17:00,470 --> 00:17:02,180
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo!
448
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:04,430
Boom! That's how it's done!
449
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,600
Nope, you talked. I can't count it.
450
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:08,940
Hatred!
451
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:10,520
Mark my words--
452
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:11,610
Blah, blah, blah.
453
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:14,280
We're all supervillains here, Monarch.
454
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,860
We've heard that speech 1,000 times.
455
00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:18,110
You don't get the point.
456
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,530
[ALL PANTING]
457
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,830
I've reopened my pancreas.
458
00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:24,740
I'm bleeding internally.
459
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:27,040
Dude, we're all gonna be bleeding
if you don't suck it up.
460
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,040
- You suck it up.
- You suck it up!
461
00:17:29,170 --> 00:17:30,370
There they are!
462
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,630
Ah, th-th-this way!
463
00:17:35,090 --> 00:17:36,460
Aw, shit.
464
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,510
It sounds like an excellent
idea, actually.
465
00:17:38,630 --> 00:17:40,300
You should give him a call!
466
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:43,050
Hi, sweetie, Hatred was just telling me
467
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:44,970
he used to arch
Commander Consummate
468
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:47,060
and thinks he'd be
a perfect match for us.
469
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:48,560
I'm not that interested--
470
00:17:48,690 --> 00:17:50,310
Are you smoking?
471
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:51,690
- Who?
- You.
472
00:17:51,810 --> 00:17:54,070
- Why?
- What why? Are you smoking?
473
00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:55,570
- Maybe.
- What?
474
00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:58,950
- When did you start smoking?
- 1989-ish.
475
00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:01,110
So you have been lying!
476
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:02,280
It all makes sense --
477
00:18:02,410 --> 00:18:03,370
the filled ashtrays,
478
00:18:03,490 --> 00:18:05,580
the burning pine scented
hair spray.
479
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:06,740
I guess I'll say it,
480
00:18:06,870 --> 00:18:08,370
her three pack a day voice?
481
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,370
Why couldn't you just
tell me, you liar?
482
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:12,000
- Because you would...
- Liar!
483
00:18:12,130 --> 00:18:14,040
- ...do that.
- Liar!
484
00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:17,920
You've gotta learn how to relax, son.
485
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:20,590
You got that hot little filly now.
486
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,760
I know she used to keep
Phantom Limb pretty relaxed--
487
00:18:22,890 --> 00:18:25,260
Don't you dare bring him up!
488
00:18:25,390 --> 00:18:27,600
Ooh, sore spot.
489
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,390
I know just the thing
that'll help you relax.
490
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,190
Take off your clothes!
491
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:34,560
[BEEPING]
492
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:38,860
Shh.
493
00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:40,780
What is that?
Why do I know that sound?
494
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:42,610
Is it... Pac-Man?
495
00:18:42,740 --> 00:18:44,240
No, Pac-Man was...
496
00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:45,780
we we, we we, we we,
we we wib wib!
497
00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:46,990
That's when you die.
498
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,910
When you're just eating pellets
it's more like...
499
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,710
duh duh, duh duh
duh duh, duh duh.
500
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:54,040
Oh, wait it's a Monarch-issue
radar troop tracker.
501
00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:55,130
Of course, duh.
502
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,210
Dude, the chip in our uniforms!
503
00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:59,050
They can totally track us!
504
00:18:59,170 --> 00:19:01,590
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
505
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,630
Don't those jets feel great?
506
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:04,890
Yeah, great.
507
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,850
Ooh, we should call your hot
filly and Vaingloria over
508
00:19:07,970 --> 00:19:10,310
to add some peach to this brew.
509
00:19:10,430 --> 00:19:13,640
Oh, I remember when your woman
was with Phantom Limb.
510
00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:16,480
Okay, okay! Enough!
You have been on me all night!
511
00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:18,610
You invite me over to watch
my sworn enemy eat--
512
00:19:18,730 --> 00:19:20,650
Whoa! You mean my sworn enemy!
513
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,150
And the needling,
and the Phantom Limb crap!
514
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,990
What do you have against me, anyway?
515
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,950
I'm a changed man, Monarch.
516
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,540
There's less hatred in this old...
517
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:31,580
Hatred.
518
00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:33,540
But I'm not an imbecile.
519
00:19:33,670 --> 00:19:36,170
I have been sitting back
and watching you
520
00:19:36,290 --> 00:19:39,590
and your fat, worthless henchmen
rob me blind.
521
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:40,630
What?
522
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,010
Th-Tha-That's insane!
523
00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:43,510
Yeah, keep it up.
524
00:19:43,630 --> 00:19:46,260
Keep treating me like
a doddering old man.
525
00:19:46,390 --> 00:19:48,720
Look, you scrawny little turd,
526
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:50,510
I was a professional villain
527
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,180
while you were trading
Garbage Pail Kids!
528
00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:55,270
I learned how to bide my time
529
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,690
and strike when the troops
are in position.
530
00:19:57,810 --> 00:19:59,900
You can't touch me, Grandpa.
531
00:20:00,030 --> 00:20:01,530
The Guild would bury you!
532
00:20:01,650 --> 00:20:03,110
No, you'll be fine.
533
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:08,120
You'll live to see me treat your arch rival
like a God damn king!
534
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,030
Venture is my arch enemy now!
535
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,870
And I'm an gonna cook him
breakfast in bed!
536
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,080
I am gonna make his life wonderful.
537
00:20:16,210 --> 00:20:18,460
And you can't do squat about it!
538
00:20:18,590 --> 00:20:21,630
Ha! Think the Monarch
can be bested so easily?
539
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,460
Good Lord, sit down.
540
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:24,550
Oh, deal with it.
541
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:25,970
And deal with this!
542
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:28,760
While you were cheating
at party games, I planted
543
00:20:28,890 --> 00:20:32,180
your micro explosive at
the base of Venture's spine.
544
00:20:32,310 --> 00:20:35,140
In minutes, he will be dead!
In your home!
545
00:20:35,270 --> 00:20:37,400
Your career as a villain will be over!
546
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,270
And I will have destroyed
both of my enemies
547
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,570
in one fell swoop!
548
00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:44,990
Alright, fine! I'll take a soak.
549
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:47,490
My man is insisting that I spend
550
00:20:47,610 --> 00:20:51,080
some get-to-know-you time
with my antagonists.
551
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,330
Not sure why.
552
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:54,370
[PANTING]
553
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:55,410
Lights out.
554
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:56,910
Lights out, boys.
555
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,210
I know, it's impressive.
556
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,420
Eh, looks like Rusty's inherited
557
00:21:01,550 --> 00:21:04,590
more than his father's
startling intellect.
558
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:05,880
[PANTING]
559
00:21:06,010 --> 00:21:07,050
Yeah!
560
00:21:07,180 --> 00:21:10,720
[BOTH SCREAMING]
561
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:14,220
Yep, just as Mother Nature made me.
562
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:16,480
Why tamper with perfection?
563
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,730
[BEEPING]
564
00:21:18,850 --> 00:21:20,980
Ahh, what the--
565
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:22,900
Damn.
566
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:26,240
[WATER BURBLES]
567
00:21:27,610 --> 00:21:29,070
Oops. Sorry gentlemen.
568
00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:31,320
Must be all that shrimp.
569
00:21:31,450 --> 00:21:34,040
Help! The shrimps have knives!
570
00:22:01,980 --> 00:22:03,480
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
571
00:22:04,020 --> 00:22:05,150
Uh, you know, you guys
572
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,030
didn't have to take your clothes off, too.
573
00:22:07,150 --> 00:22:10,150
Well, I saw you guys doing it
and I thought "water slide!"
574
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,660
It's part of my DNA, I think.
575
00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:13,070
Uh, I don't know...
576
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,080
I guess what
I've really always wanted to do
577
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,790
was be a cabinet maker.
578
00:22:16,910 --> 00:22:18,870
I say follow your dreams.
579
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,920
Even if they are about a giant
spider with your father's head
580
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,000
and he keeps stealing your penis.
581
00:22:24,130 --> 00:22:26,500
Boys, come on! We're going!
582
00:22:28,090 --> 00:22:29,920
Good night, boys.
583
00:22:30,050 --> 00:22:33,640
Uh, hey, you sure you don't
wanna have a little sleep over?
584
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:34,970
The wife's at her mother's
585
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,020
and I've got a basement
full of video games.
586
00:22:38,179 --> 00:22:40,389
Eh? Maybe a shower?
587
00:22:40,439 --> 00:22:44,989
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