Original subtitles

[BIRDS CALLING]

Doh!

DR. GIRLFRIEND: What the hell are you doing?

I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback.

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in.

I'm burning the bed and the--

What are these? Little league trophies?

And all these self help books.

Then sell 'em!

Do you have to burn 'em? It's insane!

You know what's insane?

That you slept with a guy who read The Secret.

You want the secret?

Yeah, your ex-boyfriend's pathetic!

Shh. Don't tell anyone. Secret.

Honey, there's no way you're still upset about Limb.

What's really bothering you, sweets?

It's this whole thing. Ow!

This house, this neighborhood.

I can't believe I live in a town called Malice!

What? It's an excellent community.

Lowest property tax in the district.

three supermarkets, and--

And it's a gated community for supervillains.

It's like Boca Raton on Halloween around here!

It's not that bad.

I mean, Manta Claws lives a block away.

You used to love Manta Claws.

Till I found out he uses a little hidden scuba tank

and the claws are made of sculpie.

What about Sergeant Hatred? You like him, right?

Sergeant Hatred?

Sweetie, I only hung out with him so my henchmen could rob him blind

while I pretended to listen to his boring stories.

Well, he's having some kind of party tonight.

And he was nice enough to invite us.

I think we should go.

Yeah, I'll be sure to put that on my "to don't" list.

What the hell does he have to celebrate anyway?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[BOYS WHIMPERING]

Hank, if a big man walks out of the burning cloud,

do not be afraid. That's Jesus.

SERGEANT HATRED: Attention Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture!

This is Sergeant Hatred, your new arch enemy.

Prepare to meet your doom!

Oh, hey... Your dad around?

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

SGT. HATRED: I just gotta tell ya what an honor it is

to be working with the legend himself, the Dr. Venture!

The guy who put the "pro" into protagonist.

[VENTURE LAUGHS] Well, thank you.

And sorry again, about my man, Brock.

No, no. My bad.

I shouldn't have come blowing in here like the big bad wolf.

But when those new marching orders came down

from the Guild brass, I just thought,

"Hatred, why don't you swing the old welcome tank

over to the Venture compound

and give those kids a basket of howdy-do!"

Is "howdy-do" fruit?

Okra!

Me and the misses grow the hell out of it.

Personally, I can't stand the stuff.

So you're not here to try to kill me, then?

Not yet, anyway. [LAUGHS]

This is just a meet and greet.

Whoa, hey! Fancy!

See, Dr. Venture, I've been at this a lotta years.

And the one thing I've learned is

there's no good reason on God's green Earth

that arching has to be a completely unpleasant experience

for either of us.

Speaking of green Earth,

what do ya got out there, Kentucky Bluegrass?

Ah, that is lush!

Nah, that's my own special blend

of Blue Ridge and Creeping Red.

I'm gonna say it again... lush!

So you won't be tearing my roof off in the middle of the night

or shooting at the guests attending my monthly Book Club?

No, none of that amateur hour malarkey.

I know the difference between arching

and real life, thank you.

"Hate to live, don't live to hate." That's my motto.

Huh. That almost sounds sane compared to my last arch enemy.

Okay, that's not even close

to the way "linens" is spelled,

but those go in the hall closet, upstairs.

Hey, you think you can sign this, boss? It's for 24.

He got knifed by the Moppets.

Which one is 24 again?

What? You're kidding, right?

Let me give you hint --

you know how every time you talk to me there's usually another guy next to me?

- That's 24. - Right, right, right.

The one who sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

Oh, and hey, I staked out the room upstairs with the--

You are not sleeping in this house, 21.

None of you are!

Aaah!

Uh, what the Monarch is trying to say is...

We've discussed it, and we just think it's time

we started keeping our home separate.

You're not gonna live in this sweet crib?

No, we are, but--

Well, then which one is my room?

No, "we," meaning the Monarch and I.

Honey, a little help here?

Minions! Retreat to the Cocoon!

Now!

You don't need to discuss with henchmen.

Now what's this crap with your Moppets and 24?

It's awful. Tim-Tom and Kevin

came to me in tears yesterday.

They're telling me the other henchmen have been teasing them.

Apparently 24 even picked a fight with them.

Can you believe that?

24? Not really.

So, uh... any allergies?

Not that I know of.

- Are you an epileptic? - No.

Taking any prescription drugs

that could have a negative interaction with a tear gas...

- No. - Nerve toxins?

No.

Napal-- I'm sorry. I gotta ask all this stuff.

Okay, I'm just gonna throw a few things out there

and on a scale of one to ten, I want you to tell me

how much menace you experience. Okay?

- Hand grenades?! - Two.

- Flamethrowers? - Two.

Okay... Spiders?

- Giant or regular? - Regular.

I don't know. Like, one.

- Giant spiders?! - Three.

Are you sure? Giant spiders...

- Maybe you wanna go to "four"? - Fine, four!

Look, is this gonna take all day?

Hey, I'm just trying to get ya the biggest bang

for your arching buck here.

We're almost done. Sit tight.

Wha-What-- What are you writing?

"Impatient."

Your response to the test is part of the test.

Oh, come on!

Vicious attack dogs!

And honestly, I don't think they should be with the others.

- They're delicate. - Fine. They can stay here.

But only until we get them their own henchman uniforms.

Really? Oh, thank you, sweetie.

It'll mean so much to them.

Tim-Tom! Kevin!

He said it's okay!

Yeah, yeah.

What are you doing?!

What? We're putting our bed--

What are you two, cats?

You're not sleeping at the foot of my bed!

There are 20 rooms in this house! Find one!

Well...

I gotta roll out.

I got a soir�e at 1800 hours

and I still gotta go to the Costco on the way home

to pick up some party platters.

I just wanna say again how much I'm looking forward

to working with you, Venture.

I think we're gonna have a real blast together.

Ooh, speaking of which--

[GUNSHOT]

Whoa! Hey!

Oh, rubber bullets! Rubber bullets.

Just keeping it lively.

It's not all charts and schedules.

[VENTURE SCREAMING]

Wow!

Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he?

They usually don't break the skin like that, I--

- Malice troop! - Sir.

Yeah, we got a bleeder here.

86 the non-lethal.

We're going full Nerf on this one.

[SIGHS]

No.

Geez, look at this guy.

Alright, I'll be back in an hour or so.

I'm just gonna make an appearance to be polite.

- You sure you don't wanna come? - Positive.

I'm just gonna curl up with the new Guild Facebook.

Maybe pick a new arch.

That's my old Monarch.

You'll see, honey, once you're back arching,

everything will be just like it was.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, be sure and tell Hatred "die" for me.

[GROANS]

Professor Flowers? [SCOFFS]

Douche.

Well, hello, Dr. Venture.

Oh, hello.

- I didn't expect to see you here. - Nor did I.

Is this number five?

GIRLFRIEND: Well yeah, but--

Oh, I see, yeah.

You're looking for Sergeant Hatred.

Well, I was, but I'd say I found something better.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. I guess it's a typo.

He's right next door.

Just follow the cul-de-sac

to the house with the big "H" on the lawn.

You can't miss it.

[GROANS] I don't even know why we're doing this.

We kinda have to.

It's just one of the things that comes with this life you chose.

"Chose," my keister!

My dad dumped this life in my lap

like a cup of scalding hot responsibility.

H-Honey, wait up.

[DOOR OPENS]

What the hell's bells are they doing here?

What? You invited us.

Yeah, you. But those two lookers aren't 18, are they?

- No, we're 16. - Going on 17.

You gotta get 'em outta here.

I had some troubles back before I met my wife.

Long story short -- I'm not allowed to be within 50 feet

of a beautiful minor.

Shoulda mentioned it back at the compound.

Actually, I'm required by law.

Aah, alright.

Everybody back in the car.

The buzzkill boys have ruined another night.

No, no, don't go!

The party's just getting started!

Hey, everybody, it's the Monarch!

And Dr. Used to Be His Girlfriend.

Oh, what does my best man need, a babysitter?

I got a floating rumpus room right next door

full of guys with nothing to do. Live a little...

Doc, do you think that's a good idea?

Stop your fussing.

He's been clipped. He's harmless.

Oooh, shrimp.

Here, here.

Come here, pin these on your backs and come on in.

I'm sure you know the gang.

Look at him! He's eating all the cocktail shrimp.

I hate guys who do that.

Come on, it's a party.

Please don't do anything stupid.

Okay, 24's out sick,

so, uh, you guys can sleep in here.

Well, good night.

Wait, dude! It's like 8:00 at night.

Yeah, whoo. And I am, bushed.

Oh, don't even try that.

Look, no offense, but I'm in no mood to play babysitter

to the Ritalin twins tonight, okay?

My life sucks quite enough already, thank you.

I have big boy problems.

- Girls? - I wish.

Hemorrhoids?

Time for fun!

Now, everybody has the name of a famous person

pinned to their backs.

Everybody else will treat you like the person on your tag.

First one to guess gets a prize!

Now mingle.

Damn you, mingle!

You're married to a powerful man.

Uh, let's see...

Mrs. Hulk Hogan?

No. Okay...

you're famous for your pink suit and pillbox hat.

Uh, me?

You're a brainless failure

and live entirely off your father's name and fortune.

- I'm George Bush? - Hardly!

I've never, never hated anyone as much as you!

Wait, wait... Hitler?

Did he have a famous father?

Worse! You wash up!

You should just admit that you will never amount to anything

and drink poison!

Oh, is it... uh...

Socrates' son?

I loved you in Fire Walk with Me,

but most know your work in--

Yeah, great, whatever.

I'm Harry Dean Stanton.

SERGEANT HATRED: We have a winner!

Oh, who the hell is Jacqueline Onassis?

Of course.

Mariah Carey.

So, close...

Seriously, I would have gotten that.

Hey, how you feeling?

Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me.

How do you think I feel?

Did you bring my... magazines?

No, I brought something way better.

I got someone here who came to cheer you up.

He remembered? [GROANING]

Hey, there, glum chum!

Alright, well, I'm gonna leave you two to catch up.

Good idea!

This room is officially quarantined!

'Cause smiles are contagious.

I hate you.

- [DOOR CLOSES] - [BOTH SNICKERING]

R and D. Yeah, this is where my troops create

all my cutting edge equipment.

Yeah, we have similar stuff over at the Cocoon.

- Only they're yellow. - Sure you do.

You got one of these? 30 dart repeater.

All the darts are stored right here in the butt.

Yeah, standard issue.

Hmm. Well.

What about this little number?

Looks like a comm link, but if you hit this--

Yeah, yeah, you hit that button and it converts to a grapple gun.

- We have those, too. - Hmm.

Well, here's a little something that we just developed.

Micro explosives!

You just stick this little number on your target,

set the timer, and it delivers a blast of pin-point energy

right where you want it.

Nice. I-I-I'm sure my men

are working on something just like that.

Well, of course they are.

I met your crack team of henchmen.

Impressive group of boys.

Impressive.

Ooh! I gotta show you my battle room.

You will love this!

[EVIL CHUCKLE]

Come on!

Oh, I'm right behind ya!

We leave the gas on,

they go in their sleep, all quiet like.

Aw, I wanted to hear 'em scream.

It's not as much fun,

but it'll look more like an accident.

Then the Monarch won't be expecting it when we--

That's your big problem?

You're scared of two little babies!

Dude, get back. They'll see you!

You got me all worked up.

- You said they had claws! - Get back!

Alright, so I exaggerated a little.

Did you see what they did to 24?

They're like nasty, swearing spider monkeys with knives.

[GASPS] Holy smokes!

That lady is is in her birthday suit.

I think they're watching no-no movies.

They're not. They're watching Nell.

And that's my DVD!

Dude, I think I just saw Schindler's dingus.

Shh.

This sucks. When does she meet Hannibal Lecter?

Chikka-paw... Shut the fuck up!

Bitch is killing me.

I don't remember this part. Is this the director's cut?

Dude, holy crap!

Book!

Aw, sweet infinity shot, though.

It was 21. I saw him.

I counted two piggies. Who's he with?

Who the hell you think?

Thought he was still in sick bay.

We must be losing our touch.

Well, let's get it back.

DR. GIRLFRIEND: No, no, no. No apologies necessary.

It's all fair in love and war.

Well, I just assumed that the magic we shared that night

was something bigger than the both of us.

Yeah, nothing happened.

Well if it did happen,

it was only because I didn't know who you were.

Nothing happened.

Many women have hit on me because of my fame.

- Nothing happened! - And some just sense the inner animal.

Pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.

Ugh! Nothing happened!

Are you sensing anything now?

My smell perhaps?

Meow...

So then my dad gets remarried, right --

to my ex-girlfriend!

- It's almost incest. - It's almost a Greek myth.

[DOOR OPENS]

Dude, hide us!

KEVIN: 21 and 24,

get your asses out here!

[24 WHIMPERS]

They ain't in 24's room.

Come on out, ladies. We just wanna talk.

Wait a minute, why do they want me?

What did I do?

What did you do?

[TV PLAYING]

Brock, what the hell are you doing?

I'm watching this PBS special on giant crossbows.

- Why? - Looked cool.

Why aren't you protecting me?

This is a den of thieves.

Doc, it's a bad party.

Granted, it's a party thrown by your arch enemy.

But these guys have codes.

You're safer here than you are at the compound.

Mmmm... Okay you sure about that?

No. I really wanna see these guys shoot that crossbow.

Thing's huge.

Hey, Venture, what are--

Oh, you gotta keep this door closed or the cat will get out.

Is that what that thing was?

I thought it was some guy in a cat costume.

I know, it's huge.

I don't know what the heck my wife feeds it.

Son, you gotta get out there, it's your party.

People wanna meet my Dr. Venture.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

We have something for you two, a little present.

Tim-Tom!

Look what I found.

Well, hello...

- What's this? - Damn, even his dot is fat.

DR. GIRLFRIEND: Flying! Flying!

MONARCH: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

- You're flying! Bird! - We know he's a bird!

He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes!

Okay, my God! Go to the next word!

Birdman of Alcatraz!

Next clue! Do a sounds like! You're killing me!

Time!

Birdy!

Birdy! It was Birdy!

Oh, with Nicolas Cage.

Nice job. Would been nice if you told us it was one word, though.

Let me show you how it's done.

Okay, go.

- It's a movie. - Duh.

No talking.

The Scorpion King?

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo!

Boom! That's how it's done!

Nope, you talked. I can't count it.

Hatred!

Mark my words--

Blah, blah, blah.

We're all supervillains here, Monarch.

We've heard that speech 1,000 times.

You don't get the point.

[ALL PANTING]

I've reopened my pancreas.

I'm bleeding internally.

Dude, we're all gonna be bleeding if you don't suck it up.

- You suck it up. - You suck it up!

There they are!

Ah, th-th-this way!

Aw, shit.

It sounds like an excellent idea, actually.

You should give him a call!

Hi, sweetie, Hatred was just telling me

he used to arch Commander Consummate

and thinks he'd be a perfect match for us.

I'm not that interested--

Are you smoking?

- Who? - You.

- Why? - What why? Are you smoking?

- Maybe. - What?

- When did you start smoking? - 1989-ish.

So you have been lying!

It all makes sense --

the filled ashtrays,

the burning pine scented hair spray.

I guess I'll say it,

her three pack a day voice?

Why couldn't you just tell me, you liar?

- Because you would... - Liar!

- ...do that. - Liar!

You've gotta learn how to relax, son.

You got that hot little filly now.

I know she used to keep Phantom Limb pretty relaxed--

Don't you dare bring him up!

Ooh, sore spot.

I know just the thing that'll help you relax.

Take off your clothes!

[BEEPING]

Shh.

What is that? Why do I know that sound?

Is it... Pac-Man?

No, Pac-Man was...

we we, we we, we we, we we wib wib!

That's when you die.

When you're just eating pellets it's more like...

duh duh, duh duh duh duh, duh duh.

Oh, wait it's a Monarch-issue radar troop tracker.

Of course, duh.

Dude, the chip in our uniforms!

They can totally track us!

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Don't those jets feel great?

Yeah, great.

Ooh, we should call your hot filly and Vaingloria over

to add some peach to this brew.

Oh, I remember when your woman was with Phantom Limb.

Okay, okay! Enough! You have been on me all night!

You invite me over to watch my sworn enemy eat--

Whoa! You mean my sworn enemy!

And the needling, and the Phantom Limb crap!

What do you have against me, anyway?

I'm a changed man, Monarch.

There's less hatred in this old...

Hatred.

But I'm not an imbecile.

I have been sitting back and watching you

and your fat, worthless henchmen rob me blind.

What?

Th-Tha-That's insane!

Yeah, keep it up.

Keep treating me like a doddering old man.

Look, you scrawny little turd,

I was a professional villain

while you were trading Garbage Pail Kids!

I learned how to bide my time

and strike when the troops are in position.

You can't touch me, Grandpa.

The Guild would bury you!

No, you'll be fine.

You'll live to see me treat your arch rival like a God damn king!

Venture is my arch enemy now!

And I'm an gonna cook him breakfast in bed!

I am gonna make his life wonderful.

And you can't do squat about it!

Ha! Think the Monarch can be bested so easily?

Good Lord, sit down.

Oh, deal with it.

And deal with this!

While you were cheating at party games, I planted

your micro explosive at the base of Venture's spine.

In minutes, he will be dead! In your home!

Your career as a villain will be over!

And I will have destroyed both of my enemies

in one fell swoop!

Alright, fine! I'll take a soak.

My man is insisting that I spend

some get-to-know-you time with my antagonists.

Not sure why.

[PANTING]

Lights out.

Lights out, boys.

I know, it's impressive.

Eh, looks like Rusty's inherited

more than his father's startling intellect.

[PANTING]

Yeah!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Yep, just as Mother Nature made me.

Why tamper with perfection?

[BEEPING]

Ahh, what the--

Damn.

[WATER BURBLES]

Oops. Sorry gentlemen.

Must be all that shrimp.

Help! The shrimps have knives!

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

Uh, you know, you guys

didn't have to take your clothes off, too.

Well, I saw you guys doing it and I thought "water slide!"

It's part of my DNA, I think.

Uh, I don't know...

I guess what I've really always wanted to do

was be a cabinet maker.

I say follow your dreams.

Even if they are about a giant spider with your father's head

and he keeps stealing your penis.

Boys, come on! We're going!

Good night, boys.

Uh, hey, you sure you don't wanna have a little sleep over?

The wife's at her mother's

and I've got a basement full of video games.

Eh? Maybe a shower?

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